What Could Have Been Lost

by TheVClaw

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Dark, Sad, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Suicide / Self Harm
Length: 4452

After the Royal Wedding, Spike keeps having terrible nightmares about that fateful day. In an attempt to console her friend, Twilight finally gets him to talk about his dream. However, what she discovers, is much worse than she could've imagined

It's been a week since the Royal Wedding, and Twilight and her friends are back in Ponyville, safe and sound. However, ever since they returned from Canterlot, all of Twilight's friends have gone through large bouts of guilt over ignoring her warnings. But of all her friends, Twilight is most concerned about Spike, who keeps waking up in the middle of the night with severe panic attacks.

Despite all her best efforts, Twilight hasn't been able to get her assistant to talk about his dreams, or make him feel better about himself since that day. But after another restless night, Twilight has had enough, and refuses to let him go until he talks about his dream.

However, when Spike finally confesses his recurring nightmare, he talks about what could've happened if Twilight never saved the wedding. And what she discovers, is much worse than she could've ever imagined.

I want to thank CYOA_Anon on 4Chan for helping proofread this. The original pic was made by sherwoodwhisper on Deviantart here.

Published 2014-05-11 01:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-11 01:20:03 UTC

What Could Have Been Lost

Twilight Sparkle groaned under her breath as she sat by her desk. Despite having her parchment and quill out, she wasn't able to focus on anything this late in the night. Heck, even after her second cup of coffee (something she never did before), the unicorn was unable to keep her horn lit long enough to get anything written down.

Of course, given how hectic things were for the past week, Twilight couldn't blame herself for her recent bouts of insomnia.

It's been one week since the wedding of her brother, Shining Armor, and her new sister-in-law, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. However, in the days since the beautiful ceremony, Twilight had been finding it increasingly harder to get a good night's sleep. After her horrible encounter with Queen Chrysalis, combined with the betrayal she felt from her friends and Celestia, Twilight could barely keep her eyes closed without recalling all the heartache she had to go through before the real wedding came to fruition.

However, as soon as she could recall anything that happened during that wedding rehearsal, Twilight only sighed as she tried to focus on something else. Obviously, after Chrysalis was revealed and rightfully vanquished, the unicorn received enough apologies from her friends and family to last several lifetimes. While it was still a bit difficult to brush those painful memories aside, Twilight knew that it really wasn't any of their faults. Since changelings are notorious for manipulation and mind-control, she couldn’t blame her brother for being brainwashed, or her friends for being lead astray with their wedding duties. Heck, she was even able to accept Celestia's apologies, seeing how distraught the Princess felt over leaving her most faithful student behind. At the end, Twilight was grateful that nothing was truly lost, since she knew that nothing mattered to her more than her frien--

"Nnnnnnnn…"

Twilight immediately crooked her neck up as she heard her assistant's voice from the bedroom upstairs. Looking over at the clock nearby, she saw that it was almost reaching two in the morning. Knowing what was bound to happen around this time, Twilight immediately ran for the stairs before Spike could start screaming again.

In the week since Twilight and her friends returned from Canterlot, Twilight had to deal with all of them trying to repair their friendships with her in various ways, despite her insistence that she already forgave them. Between the countless dresses Rarity made for her, Pinkie's numerous apology cakes, Fluttershy's tearful hugs and Applejack's sincere apologies, Twilight felt a bit overwhelmed about how guilty all her friends felt for leaving her at the rehearsal. In fact, she had to gather them together and plead for them to stop after Rainbow Dash came by and practically begged the unicorn to punch her in the face to "call it even."

However, of all her friends, Twilight was becoming increasingly worried about how Spike was handling everything. Over the past few days, the baby dragon had become more attached to Twilight than usual, going out of his way to help her in any way he could. Even when she tried to console him, telling him that she had no hard feelings about the wedding, Spike became even more clingy to her with each passing day. But, despite his worrying attitude during the day, Twilight was even more concerned over how the drake acted when he tried to sleep.

Much like Twilight, Spike had been unable to get a sound night's rest. However, while Twilight simply couldn't get her mind cleared enough to relax and sleep comfortably, Spike hadn't been able to rest without going under severe panic attacks in his sleep. In fact, for the past three days, Twilight had to physically shake the drake awake just to keep him from screaming bloody murder in his sleep. And every time he woke up, Spike wouldn't let go of Twilight for the rest of the night, sobbing into her chest while he kept mumbling the words "I'm sorry" over and over again.

Twilight desperately tried to get him to talk about his dreams the following day, but was never able to get anything out of him. Even though he tried saying that he couldn’t remember anything he was dreaming, the mare knew him well enough to know when he wasn't being truthful to her. And right now, Twilight could hear Spike's murmuring voice as he started to talk in his sleep, making her run up to the room even faster.

"No… Please… Please, No…No!"

When she ran into the bedroom, Twilight saw that the baby dragon was already beginning to thrash in his bed again. With his eyes clenched shut, Spike's head lashed back and forth while his claws gripped at the covers. His voice started to come out even louder through his sleep.

"Twilight, no! Please… please, don't…"

"Spike!" Twilight quickly tried to shake him awake with her hooves, not wanting to hear him start screaming in his sleep again. "Spike, wake up! It's just a dream!"

"Twi! No… No, no, no, no…"

Stray tears began to bead from the corners of his clenched eyes, which made Twilight try to shake him harder. "SPIKE! Wake up! Wake up right now--"

"Twilight!" Spike murmured in his sleep as his face scrunched in with obvious pain. "Please, you can't! No… No!"

"SPIKE!!!" Seeing how he was due to start screaming at any second, Twilight lifted up his body with her hooves as she tried to thrash him awake. "WAKE UP!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"

Spike's eyes shot wide open, revealing two reddening orbs around his emerald irises. As he stood in shock for a moment, more tears began to escape his eyes and roll down his cheeks. And as soon as he realized he was awake again, his face crumpled into a devastated look as he saw Twilight staring back at him.

His voice hiccupped for a moment, trying his best not to start sobbing; however, much like the past few nights before, the dragon couldn't hold it in. He grabbed hold of Twilight before sinking his head into her chest, his sobs coming out muffled through her lavender fur.

Hearing the baby drake start crying into her chest again, Twilight wrapped her hooves around his body to hug him back. With all the time she's already spent trying to console him each night, the unicorn wasn't sure how much more of this she was able to take. While she tried to keep herself from tearing up, Twilight gripped Spike tightly as she heard his voice muffled through her chest.

"I'm so sorry… I'm so, so sorry…"

"Spike…" Twilight tried to keep her voice from sounding strained as she attempted to talk the dragon down. "Spike, it's okay… It's just a dream… I'm right here…"

Another couple of sobs escaped Spike as he gripped her tighter. The dragon tried to clench his eyes tighter in a weak attempt to keep any more tears from flowing. However, he was already beginning to mat the fur on her chest as he tried to speak. "I… I'm sorry…"

"It's okay…" Twilight spoke in a more calming whisper, using a hoof to pet his head softly. "Spike, it's really okay…"

Even though she didn’t have much of a problem saying that to calm Spike down, Twilight knew that this really wasn't okay. If her assistant wasn't able to overcome this problem soon, there's no telling what could happen. Tightening her grip around the drake, Twilight waited until he quieted down a little before reopening her muzzle.

"Spike… I need you to talk to me about this."

Twilight felt Spike's body tense up in her grip, but she tightened her grasp on him before he could try to break free. "I mean it, Spike!" said the unicorn in a more stern tone as she held him, "I need to know what this is about!"

Spike, whose eyes were now wide open in petrified fear, tried to push himself away while her hooves wrapped around him. "N-no!" grunted the dragon in a worried tone as he tried to get away. "Twilight, please! No! I… I can't!"

"I mean it!" scolded the mare as she kept an iron grip around him. "This is really getting to you, and I'm not going to let it go any further! I want to help you, Spike, I really do, but I can’t do that if you can't tell me what's going on!"

Spike struggled to pull apart from Twilight for another moment, writhing in frustration against her hooves. However, after one last desperate pull, the baby dragon gave up. He slumped his body back against her chest as he tried to speak in a whimper. "Please… I… I don’t want to…"

"Spike, it's okay," assured Twilight as she held him more soothingly. She gently nuzzled the dragon's purple and green scales as she sat on the floor and held him. "I promise you, I'm going to help you. I know you're upset, but I can't afford to lose you…"

Another wince came from the dragon as he pressed his head against her harder. Feeling him do this, Twilight sighed as she held him more tenderly.

"Spike…" Twilight made sure her voice came out as calm as she could while talking down to him. "I need to know… is this about the wedding?"

Spike clenched his eyes shut again, gritting his teeth as he tried not to start sobbing again. While the unicorn held him, Spike took a moment before making a response. Slowly, Twilight felt the dragon's head move against her chest, giving out a reluctant nod.

"Okay…" Closing her eyes, Twilight rested her head on top of Spike's as she spoke truthfully. "Spike, you shouldn’t feel guilty about what happened… I know you feel bad about the rehearsal, but I promise you that I'm not mad."

"But…" Feeling more tears start to escape his eyes, Spike's lips trembled as he tried to speak. "I… I shouldn't have left you, Twi… I never should have left you alone…"

"Sssshhhhhh…" Twilight tried to calm the drake's nerves as she hugged him softly. "It's okay, Spike… I know it's not your fault…"

"B-but… but I--"

"You were just wanting to help Cadance," interrupted the unicorn as she spoke over the dragon. "I know that your heart was in the right place. I'm not mad at you, Spike, and I really mean that."

While the drake continued to whimper in guilt, he felt Twilight's muzzle bend in closer to his face as she nuzzled him.

"Do you remember when you thought I was replacing you with Owlilicious?" asked the mare as she spoke as calmly as she could down to him. "You made some bad choices back then, but that didn’t change a single thing between us… and nothing ever will…"

Remembering what happened, Spike tried to muster up a smile while the unicorn held him against her.

"Spike, I'll always be there for you, no matter what. So please… please don’t act like that will ever change…"

Spike's attempted smile quickly dropped, as his lips began to tremble again in shame. However, the dragon didn't try to pull away from her again, and instead hugged her tighter. While the dragon laid against her, Twilight took a deep breath before speaking once more.

"Spike, I want to help you... And I want to make sure you're alright. So I have to know…

"What are you dreaming about?"

A brief inhale could be heard from Spike as he tried to pull apart again, but Twilight held him in as she repeated herself. "Spike, please! I need to know what it is!"

While his head pressed against the mare's chest in an attempt to pull free, Spike's strength lessened the more he felt her nurturing hold on him. After a short moment, another light sob escaped him as he heard Twilight say one final assurance to him.

"I promise you, Spike… I'll always love you, no matter what. So please… please… I need you to tell me…"

After a pregnant bout of silence between them, Spike let out a faint sigh as his body settled against hers. Keeping his eyes closed, the drake rested his head against her chest, helping to calm him down as he focused on her gentle heartbeat. After a while, Spike finally took a deep breath before his voice came out in a faint whimper.

"I… I keep… seeing myself back at the wedding…"

Twilight closed her eyes as she held him tenderly, not making a single sound as he continued.

"But… but… You weren't there… You never showed up… You never stopped that fake Cadance…"

Hearing that, Twilight tightened her hold around him, already getting a good idea about what his nightmare was about. However, she kept her muzzle shut, choosing instead to let him keep going.

"And then… the… the forcefield dropped… And all the Changelings broke in… And… And we all got held down by her magic…"

Recalling every detail that he dreamt about each night, Spike's voice struggled to not break as he recounted what happened.

"She… revealed herself while we were all held down… And… She kept laughing at us! She… she started calling all of us stupid for following her!"

"Spike…" Twilight spoke in a faint whisper as she tried to console him. "It's okay…"

"And…" Spike's eyes clenched in tighter as he kept going. "And we all tried to break free… We kept trying to get out, and I was saying 'We need to find Twilight!'… But…"

With his lips shaking in dread, Spike winced as he struggled to speak through his cracking voice.

"She… she just grinned at me… she looked right at me as she said… she said…

"…'Oh…Now you care about her'…"

Spike couldn't hold it in anymore, and began to sob once more into Twilight's chest. However, that didn't stop him as he kept going.

"She kept saying things like, 'Where was that dedication to Twilight back at the rehearsal, huh? Why didn’t you want to stand by her then?' And… and then she started laughing…"

Hearing how badly this was getting to him, Twilight nestled him closer to her chest as he continued to speak through sobs.

"And… and then she started talking… saying… saying how… She could taste how heartbroken you were… How badly we all hurt you…"

A brief sigh escaped Twilight's muzzle at hearing that. While she couldn’t deny that she was hurt by what happened then, it didn't change how much she cared for her assistant right now. While she kept him in her embrace, the unicorn stayed silent as he continued.

"And then… we were all screaming at her! We were yelling out 'Where is she?! What did you do to her?!'… and… and she…"

A couple strong sobs made Spike's body convulse slightly against Twilight's chest, pausing his words for a moment before he finally managed to regain his voice.

"She… she just looked at us… smiling… and said…

"…'I didn't need to do anything… You all did it yourselves'…"

Twilight blinked as she heard that, now feeling unsure about what Spike was dreaming about. However, before she could ask about it, Spike kept going in a more distressed tone.

"And then… She… she just let us go! She let me and the others go, and said… 'Go ahead… See what happened to your precious Twilight'…"

By now, Spike's tears were now flowing freely down his cheeks, barely even noticed by him as he gripped Twilight as tightly as he could. While his breathing came out lighter, coming out in gasping wheezes, the dragon didn’t dare let go of Twilight as he struggled to speak.

"I… I ran… I ran s-s-so fast! And… I… I r-r-reached the… the d-d-d-door to your room…"

Clenching her eyes shut as well, Twilight held the drake securely, already figuring out what Spike's dream was about.

"I… I opened the door… and… and…"

No longer able to speak coherently, Spike sunk his face in against Twilight's tear-matted chest as he started to cry again. Twilight wrapped her hooves tighter around Spike as well, hugging him strongly as she heard his strained voice through her fur. Despite his voice coming out muffled, the unicorn was still able to catch what he tried to say.

"You… you were dead…"

Spike began to sob louder while hugging the mare, feeling absolutely horrible as he recalled the dream. Twilight, who was having a hard time keeping herself from crying as well, finally tried to speak after he finished. "Spike… Spike, it's okay…"

While Spike kept crying loudly against her, Twilight closed her eyes as she sunk her head down, nuzzling him as she tried to calm him down. "It's just a dream, Spike… That never happened… I'm right here, and Chrysalis never killed me--"

"NO!!!"

With his face still pressed against her, Spike gripped the mare tight enough to legitimately start hurting her. However, Spike refused to break free as he struggled to speak up.

"She… she didn’t kill you, Twi!"

Twilight, who was struggling to keep the drake from holding her tight enough to draw blood with his claws, reopened her eyes in slight confusion as she looked down at him. "What… what do you mean?"

Spike managed to release his claws from her skin, but still hugged the mare as tightly as he possibly could. With his breathing coming out in rapid gasps, the dragon could barely keep his eyes open without feeling flooded by the tears pouring out of them.

"After… after we… after we all left you… You… you went back to your room…"

Spike struggled not to convulse too strongly as his sobs became more profound. With his lips trembling in devastation, the dragon's voice was creaking while his throat started to tighten up.

"She… she never threw you down in the caves… When… when we left you, she… She just let you leave… and… and you…you…"

Spike's body writhed in dread while Twilight held him tightly. The unicorn tried to figure out what it was Spike was trying to confess, but nothing could've prepared her for what she heard the dragon say next. With his face pressed against her chest, Spike was barely able to start bawling before he said.

"You… you…

"You killed yourself!"

Twilight's eyes widened in shock. Spike, not looking up to her stunned face, began to wail in pure agony while hugging her tightly. Even with the drake's near deafening bawls, Twilight's mouth was hung open in distress as she tried to speak. "W-what?!"

"You… you… you had a rope around your neck!! When I got in the room, you… you were hanging from the ceiling!!!"

Spike's cries came out even louder as he gripped her as tightly as he could. Twilight, barely able to even believe she was hearing this, hugged Spike back as she clenched her eyes shut. "Oh… Oh, Spike!"

"I keep seeing it!" wailed out the dragon as he held her, refusing to let her go. "I see it every time I sleep! I see it every time I close my eyes! I can't get it out of my head, Twi, I can’t get it out of my head!!!"

Twilight, who was now starting to cry alongside him, pulled him up so his head was now resting against her shoulder. While the fur on her chest stayed heavily matted from the drake's tears, Twilight struggled to keep her voice from coming out strained at what Spike just admitted. "Spike… Spike, I would never--"

"I can’t stop thinking about it!!! I keep seeing it in my head, and it won't go away!!! You were dead!!! You were dead, and you were hanging, AND IT WAS ALL MY FAULT!!!"

Spike wasn't able to speak after that last part, and could only wail out in heartache while holding her. Twilight, still overcome by pure shock, hugged him back tightly as she tried to think of something to say. Feeling his hot tears hit her shoulder as he kept crying, Twilight tightened her grip as she tried to console him.

"It wasn't your fault!" shouted Twilight as she tried to keep the bawling dragon from screaming out in guilt. With tears still running down her cheeks, the unicorn managed to recompose her voice and speak reassuringly to her assistant when he needed her most. "Spike, please don’t think something like that would ever happen! I would never, EVER do that! Not in a million years!"

Even in her distressed state, Twilight knew that she wasn't exaggerating or lying about that in any way, shape or form. She may have been hurt, and she can definitely recall feeling depressed at that time; however, she also knew that she would never resort to something that low. Despite how she was treated back at the rehearsal, Twilight knew that she wouldn't have done anything that drastic, which made her feel more confident about her claim to Spike.

"B… but…" Spike was barely able to make a response, since his voice came out so faintly after his painful sobs. "I… I hurt you…"

"Oh, Spike…" Hugging the dragon tenderly, Twilight refused to let him go as she began to speak as sincerely as possible. "That doesn't mean I don’t love you… And that doesn’t mean I… I would…"

Twilight winced as she thought how that sentence would end. Breathing out heavily, the unicorn closed her eyes as she tried to speak honestly.

"Spike, I… I was hurt when you all left… I really was…"

Spike winced again as he clung tighter onto her shoulder. However, the unicorn continued to speak before Spike could start tearing up again.

"But I was also acting like a foal when I barged into the rehearsal in the first place! I didn't have enough proof to justify how I acted, and I acted out of impulse instead of logic. Remember?"

Spike blinked a couple times as he thought it over. Despite the fact that she was ultimately right about everything, Twilight did act out of line when she made her claim. Reluctantly, the drake took a moment before nodding slowly.

"That's right. I made a bride cry, and you all left to help her because of something I did. If that happened to somepony else instead of me, I doubt that I would've acted that different from any of you…"

Twilight paused as she thought about what she said, making her start to feel worse as she realized how easily she said that. Despite how horrible she felt at being left alone like that, she also knew that she should've planned her confrontation a lot better. And considering how that ended up, she knew that she acted foalish enough to warrant that kind of treatment.

"But that doesn't mean you have to feel guilty about it, Spike! I know you feel bad, but it really wasn't your fault. It was just a mistake, and it doesn’t mean that I care about you any less."

"But… but…" Spike pressed his head in against Twilight's shoulder, struggling not to start crying again. "I shouldn't have left you alone… I… I'm supposed to be there for you…"

"It's okay," assured the mare as she held him, "I know you were wanting to help Cadance… I know that you wouldn’t leave me without a good reason."

Even though he still felt horrible about what he did, considering that he left his friend for that fake creature, Spike still nodded to Twilight's reply in agreement. "Y… yeah…"

"That's right, Spike. You're still my friend, and I know that you'll always be there when you know I need you… Just like how I'll always be there for you."

With a faint smile growing on her face, Twilight nuzzled the drake softly as she continued to speak from her heart.

"Spike, you're one of the closest friends I've ever had… And I've loved you ever since you were hatched… I love you with all my heart, and I would never let you go."

As she kept her hooves wrapped around the dragon, Twilight sighed softly before adding, "And I would never… ever… leave you like that…"

Twilight kept her hug on Spike for another long moment, making sure he was calmed down as she felt his heartbeat begin to settle. After the room became silent again, the unicorn slowly pulled her head back, keeping her smile as she looked straight at the dragon lovingly.

"No matter what happens, Spike… I just want you to know, that I'll never stop loving you, and I'll never give up hope for any of you. I never stopped before, and I never will."

Hearing the sincerity in her voice, Spike began to smile back at her. With his emerald eyes still welling slightly, the drake took a moment to collect himself before he breathed in, looking straight at her as he spoke in a cracked voice.

"I love you too, Twi…"

With that, the two hugged once more in caring embrace, now feeling much closer to one another than they ever had before. Before they could break apart, Spike uttered one more thing as he clung to his friend dearly.

"I'll never leave you, Twi… I promise, I'll never leave you alone again."

"It's okay, Spike," said Twilight in response as she held him back. "You don't have to promise me anything like that… All that I ask is that you stay my friend. Okay?"

Closing his eyes, Spike nodded slowly as he held onto her. "Okay."

Neither of them were sure how long they stayed together like that, holding each other as they stayed on the floor. Nevertheless, Twilight eventually made her way back into her own bed, never letting go of the dragon as he held her tightly. As the two laid down under the enchanting glow of Luna's night, Twilight and Spike were able to find two things they weren't able to gain since that wedding.

The first thing that the two regained was peace. For Twilight, she finally felt at peace with all of her friends, knowing that she cared for all of them more than anything else in the world. And for Spike, he finally found peace against the heartache he was feeling since that day; and as he held onto Twilight, the dragon knew that he would always have her by his side, just like he'll always be by hers.

And most importantly, as the two began to drift off into sleep within each other's embrace, Twilight Sparkle and Spike were finally able to regain the one thing they thought they lost since that wedding:

A good night's rest.