AJ's Intervention

by Bok

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Main 6, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy
Length: 1340

Applejack's friends love her very much, which is why they must do the most painful thing imaginable: Make her shut up about apples.

Applejack's friends love her very much, which is why they must do the most painful thing imaginable:

Make her shut up about apples.

Published 2014-05-08 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-08 23:10:02 UTC

AJ's Intervention

Applejack trotted along the main road of Ponyville at a brisk pace, certain not to miss the invitation she had received to Twilight's home. She thought it was weird that Twilight would invite her at this time of day, since Rarity was usually closer. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash would just break into her house completely unannounced, and as such didn't need inviting.

As she rounded the corner, she caught sight of the Golden Oaks library, which stood out among the thatched-roof houses that surrounded it. As soon as she saw Twilight's home, she knew something was amiss. Celestia and Luna's carriages were clearly parked out front, with their guards mindfully sitting atop them. They noticed Applejack and gave her the slightest of nods when she approached the library's door.

She waved to them. "Howdy fellas. Ya'll doin' alright today?"

"Doing fine, ma'am." one of the guards replied.

She turned away from the door. "Say, you look a little pale," she said and started to dig around in her saddlebag. After a moment's prowling, she produced a small apple and held it up. "How 'bout an apple? Perfect on a hot day!"

The guard immediately put his hooves on his helmet and began to scream, falling off the carriage in a sudden jump. When he hit the ground he continued to scream, kicking up dirt as he rolled around in a panicked fit. The other guards joined him in his ravings.

Applejack slowly backed away, tucking the apple back into her saddlebag. "Alright then," she muttered, "Looks like you fellas have a full plate."

She opened the heavy oaken door of the Golden Oaks, shutting the entrance behind her to block out the loud wailing of the guards. When it was closed, she walked into the main foyer and had to do a double-take.

The other five Elements of Harmony, plus Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor, were sitting on stools arranged in a semi-circular fashion around a single empty stool. Applejack walked up to the group and sat down on the seat reserved for her, smiling.

"Howdy, ya'll," she said, ignoring the eye twitching that came from Cadence as soon as she spoke, "Uh, what are ya'll doing here? I didn't know Twilight was having a party."

"I'm not," Twilight stated. "That was a lie. I hate to tell you this, Applejack, but this is an intervention."

"What fer? Is this me about being a ciderholic?"

The group shook their heads.

"Is this about how I keep falling for Flim and Flam scams?"

Once again, the group replied in the negative.

"Well then why did you make me walk all across town? I could use this time to be bucking apples, you know."

At once, the entire group gave a frustrated groan.

"What? What'd I say? I just said I could be using this time to be bucking—"

Luna's eyes turned white with power and she stood up. "Do not say that accursed word!"

Celestia spoke in her usual calm voice. "You see, Applejack, we've all come together because we are concerned with your obsession with a...certain fruit."

Applejack scratched her head. "Huh? I don't follow."

Pinkie Pie talked next. "Princess Celestia means all you do is talk about the you-know-whats! I mean, I know I talk about pointless stuff all the time until somepony takes a hit out on me and I get chased all over Equestria and one things leads to another and suddenly I'm hiding out in Manehattan under the alias of—"

The earth pony interrupted. "I still have no idea what you're talking about."

"Applejack?" Fluttershy asked.

The entire group turned to her. The pegasus slowly got off her stool, walked up until she inches away, then grabbed her face.

"Shut the fuck up about apples," she whispered gently, then walked back over to her stool.

Rainbow Dash jumped up into the air. "Seriously!" she shouted, "Every damn day it's 'apples' this and 'apples' that! Every time I talk to you, you've got some new apple recipe! Some new apple fact! Ways to grow apples, ways to preserve apples, ways to talk to apples! I can't sleep anymore because all I dream about are apples! I haven't eaten in a month because everything tastes like apples now! I can't take it anymore!"

At that moment Dash's eyes rolled back into her head and her wings stopped beating. She hit the floor, dead.

Twilight pointed to Dash's corpse. "See? This is what I'm talking about! You obsession with apples has gone too far!"

Applejack stomped a hoof. "Now see here! I don't think it's an obsession at all! I just don't think ya'll appreciate apples enough."

"Believe me," a mud-caked Rarity replied, "I think we do. Your endless repetition of how beautiful and sublime apples are infiltrated my subconscious and led me to burn my entire line of dresses and create a new one based entirely on apple iconography."

Applejack smiled. "And you made a pretty bit off of 'em, right? Nopony can resist the apples!"

"Applejack, I didn't make anything. My business failed and I've been homeless for two weeks."

Applejack huffed. "Well that's just quitter talk! Obviously you didn't put enough apples on your dresses!"

Rarity appeared as if she was about to say something, but instead began to shiver as foam pooled around her mouth and she crumpled to the floor, muttering to herself.

Celestia stood up. "Applejack, have you considered the possibility that apples are simply another mundane object of this world, and fixating on them so is unhealthy?"

"No. Who could hate the apples? Their smooth, perfect skin, their vibrant red hues, their..."

Celestia shrugged. "Well, I tried."

She, along with Luna, lifted their crowns off their head and placed them on Twilight's. "It was a good run while it lasted, Twilight, but I am too old and too rich to deal with this bullcrap. Have fun running Equestria!" The sisters took off into the sky, easily puncturing the Golden Oaks' roof, sending pieces of wood and leaves scattering all about the library.

Pinke Pie, for no apparent reason, exploded.

Applejack looked around at the chaos she had caused and sighed. "You know, I think the problem is ya'll just don't have the proper perspective for apples. So I'm going to sing the Apple Song! That should do it!"

She closed her eyes, took in a gulp of air and began to recite the lyrics loudly.

Apple apple!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!
Apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples apples!

When she was done, she opened her eyes to see Twilight had summoned a book avalanche upon herself and Fluttershy to alleviate their suffering, and for some reason there was nothing left of Cadence and Shining Armor but skeletons.

"Well don't that beat all," Applejack complained, "Now they can't listen to Apple Song II: The Appleing. Oh well! This gives me more time to buck apples!"

She jumped off her stool, and with a spring in her step walked back to Sweet Apple Acres to continue honing her craft.