Chapters The Adventures of a Human Peach
Have I told you my favorite thing in the world? It is the peach. I like peaches. It took several years of saving my funds and checking dates, but I finally ended up getting enough money and having the right time where I could get a few days off to go to Comic Con. Want to know what I dressed up as? You should know. I dressed up as a giant peach. Making the costume was a bit of a pain, trying to figure out how it would fit into my car, but eventually, I just got a bunch of chunks of styrofoam held together with velcro.
Afterwards, I spray painted the entire thing orange and red. I even had a little stem coming out of the top. I was pretty proud of my work. I put it away for storage and wait back to my job since I finished the costume a month before the actual date.
A month later, the day of reckoning arrived. I hopped into my car, made sure the costume was in the backseat, and had a three hour drive across the country to reach San Diego. It was really boring. Hours and hours of wheat fields until I finally reached the outskirts of the city. The closer I got, the more people and traffic there were.
Damn, it was packed. The fastest I was able to reach was 5 miles an hour. This ordeal took another thirty minutes before I ever reached the parking space. In fact, it seemed like the parking garage was even worse. People were wandering around all over the place, and cars packed up the lines. Fortunately, there seemed to be some ordering process, so I didn’t have to race everyone trying to get a spot.
I parked my car and quickly put on my peach costume with pride. I was ready to spread the glory of peaches. I walked down the stairs, admiring the gazes the people gave to my glorious costume. I flashed a smile all the way to the ticket line, where I merely nodded at them and doffed my leaf hat.
Unfortunately, my happiness was not to last. Twenty minutes or so into the line, a felt someone tapping my shoulder. I saw someone in an giant orange costume. Offended by such a display of vulgarity, I snorted at him and turned away.
He snickered. And then tapped my shoulder once more. I snarled, grinding my teeth. He continued to tap my shoulder.
“Hey,” he said. “Hey Mr. Giant Peach.”
“Shut up,” I hissed,
“Hey. Hey Mr. Peach. Hey. Hey Peach.”
“Shut. Up.”
Mr. Peach. Mr. Peach. Hey. Hey Peach.”
I spun around, facing him, my face boiling with indignation. “WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT.”
He giggled, giggled! and pointed off the side. “Twilight.”
I turned around and saw a female wearing a purple wig with a pink stripe through it. She had a purple turtleneck and lavender skirt. She was also wearing these strange purple ears and a horn. She was frantically looking at a map, as if lost. This made her unable to look at what was directly in front of her, and she ended up slamming into me.
I fell backwards... and fell... and fell...
I couldn’t tell when the blackness turned into unconsciousness.
Author's Note
Don't you dare hit the upvote button.
The Adventures of a Human Peach
Twilight woke up, the sun shining in her eyes. She was sure Celestia was aiming it at her. Hypothesis! Celestia is aiming it at her. She slowly inched to the side. A minute later, the rays shifted over to her eyelids. She shifted to the other side. A bit later, the sun was once again on her eyelids. She closed the blinds with a spark of magic.
Nothing.
She hesitantly opened her eyes. “AGH!”
A tiny ball of heated air shifted the curtains and shown a tight beam of light onto her eyes. “I’m getting up, I’m getting up, stop it!” she moaned, rolling off the bed and onto the floor. Sighing, she went to the bathroom and freshened herself up.
A few minutes later, she spat foamy water out of her mouth and washed her toothbrush. “Spike?” she called out. “Do you have my coffee-” Oh, right, he was having a sleepover. She had to make it herself. Dang it. She walked down the stairs, an annoying haze over her mind. A bright color wormed their way into her retina, kicking a bunch of nerves before Twilight noticed.
She paused mid stride and turned her head. There was a peach on the table. “Huh,” she said. She vaguely remembered an incident where she ate a peach. Or peaches. Everything went fuzzy after the third one. She woke up later of bad indigestion. But what she was sure of that incident was that the peaches were delicious. Heck, there was only one of them, right? It’s not like she was in any danger of overdosing again.
She trotted over and pulled over a seat, staring intently at it. For some reason, it felt as if it was staring back.
Who the fuck are you?
Very curious indeed. It smelled nice. Very nice. Peach particles from the subtly vibrating peach floated into her nostrils and ignited memories of pleasure. Drool pooled in her mouth as her horn glowed, levitating the peach.
What are you looking at. Are you thinking of- woah! Put me down, crazy horse thing!
Twilight opened her mouth.
Woah that’s dark. Wait, are you... no no no no no don’t eat me! I have rights!
Twilight slowly bit down, cutting through the skin. Her eyes closed in pleasure, taking her time to let the mushy remains roll around her tongue.
ARRGHH! MAH LEG! YOU BIT OFF MY LEG! WHY CAN’T I MOVE? Is that me in its eye’s reflection?
Twilight smiled sultrily at the peach, swallowing and preparing for another bite.
IT BURNS.
She took another bite.
THAT WAS MY DICK, YOU BASTARD. AHHHHhhh oh hey, that feels pretty-
EEAAAHHHHH
She took a bite off the upper hemisphere.
......
Several bites later, she finished off the peach. She shakily floated over a napkin and wiped her mouth. “Still as good as I remembered. I wonder if can borrow a bit of Applejack’s land. It would be a shame to just trash the pit.”
Author's Note
Why the hell are you still here?
It's all Blueshift's fault.
The Adventures of a Human Peach
Twilight trotted happily over to Sweet Apple Acres. The peach bit sat safely inside her saddlebags, wrapped in old newspapers.
She saw the orange pony working near the edge of the fence. “Hey Applejack, can I ask you for a favor?”
“Hmm? Ah, Howdy, Twi,” Applejack said, standing up and trotting over to the fence. “What can I do for ya?”
Twilight levitated out the pit. “Do you have anywhere where I can plant this? I forgot last time, and just tossed the leftovers into the trash. Such a delicacy shouldn’t be wasted.”
Something dark flickered over Applejack’s face, but Twilight, who was currently imaging of all the peaches she could harvest, didn’t notice. “Sure thing, Twi. There’s a tiny place near the barn where I got some space. Just hoof it over and I’ll get it planted.”
Twilight gave it a thought. “I want to watch it. I have to make sure everything goes right.”
“Alright, then. Its your peach.”
Applejack led Twilight to the spot besides the barn and helped her dig a small hole. Twilight dropped the pit in, and Applejack pushed some dirt over it. They were about to leave when Twilight remembered she was an alicorn. “Oo, I have an idea. Wait here.”
She ran back to the small dirt pile and focused on her magic. She felt mana flowing through her hooves and into the Earth. With a bit of effort, she located the peach and fed it the local nutrients. Within a few seconds, a small sprout emerged.
-AAAHHHHHH
“Whoo! That took a lot out of me. You sure make it seem easy, Applejack.”
“Yeah. Easy,” the farmer mumbled.
Twilight was too busy nuzzling the sprout to notice her expression. “Just you wait, peachy. I’ll have you growing strong and full of delicious peaches soon.” She stood back up. “Alright, I’m done here. Thanks, Applejack!” Twilight happily trotted down the path away from Sweet Apple Acres.
Applejack grumbled unhappily and went back to her chores.
OH DAMN that hurts! the sprout complained. Why the hell am I still awake for it? Shouldn’t I be dead- oh that’s a lot of apple trees
One of the trees twitched imperceptibly, but to the peach tree, it looked like it turned to face him. Hmm, its a new one. I have never seen the likes of you. What plant are you?
You can’t tell? I’m a peach, the best fruit in the world.
The tree’s mood darkened. I’d be careful, child. The mare that runs this farm prefers apples. She has an extremely bad relationship after the last time her friend ate a peach, she became addicted to it and refused to eat anything else for a week.
Well, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m trying to get out of here. Being a tree has admittedly made it a bit difficult, but that’s not going to stop me.
Good luck, kid, We dearly wish you can escape. The Apple mare will be looking for a way to remove you.
She’s going to pull me out? That’s great! I still haven’t figure out how to get rid of this dirt covering my leg- I mean, roots.
... Nevermind.
Later that night.
Applejack snarled angrily, tossing her hat onto a hook. How dare she bring back another peach. She had personally made sure all peaches never came close to Ponyville ever again after Twilight’s binge. Somepony needed to do something about it.
The mare walked over to the window and watched the sun go down. Twilight will probably be staying in her library by now. No witnesses. She went into the pantry.
That same night, near the barn
Just a little more.... got it!
A single, fiber thin root poked its way out of the soil. It took the sprout a few minutes to realize that all it did was make it grow longer.
And then it heard a snickering in the tree tops. It brought back memories of anger. It did its best to ignore it as he wiggled his roots.
Hey. Peach.
Go. Away. Can’t you tell I’m trying to get out of this apple farm? I need to go back to Comic Con and spread the word of peaches.
Hey. Peach. Hey. Hey Peach
Ugh. Not again. If I answer you, will you shut up?
Maaaybe.
Fine. What is it.
Apples .
What?
A box slammed over the sprout, cutting off its vision. A tiny fireworks was slid underneath, its fuse lit.
WHAT THE -
Author's Note
If it is still you, story approver, you can stop now. I won't judge.
If you are not a story approver, shammmme. shhhaaaaammmeeee
The Adventures of a Human Peach
Author's Note
You do realize that that I'm going to try to get you guys to downvote this, right? It's not going to get any better.
5) Science
The Peach Tree regained consciousness in a flash. The initial blackout may have been caused by the dimensional jump, which vaguely reminded it of an incident years prior. And now that it didn’t have a brain to worry about, it could skip the whole unpleasant groggy business.
It focused it’s “gaze” at the room it found itself in. There was a low wooden ceiling, with random science-y equipment strewn across mildly warping tables.
It finally noticed a crazed purple unicorn staring at it, knives floating in her magic. A pot filled with mud and an unidentified gelatinous substance sat by her side.
“If Applejack won’t let me plant it, then I’ll just clone them,” she whispered. “I’ll clone ALL the peaches!”
The Peach Tree also noticed that it was chained down rather unnecessarily to a table. On its side were several small trees, with a few branches missing. It felt an invisible gaze fall upon it.
So, vat arr you in fer, mate?
The hell?
Twilight lopped a branch off.
OWWWWW. NOT AGAIN.
Twilight floated the branch over to the small tree besides him and grafted the branch on. (What. You thought she was going to magically clone it? Ha!)
The unicorn wrapped the branch with rags and lathered it in mud. The tree moaned. Twilight wiggled the branch to make sure it was secure. A flower that was part of the original tree quivered.
The tree moaned again.
Dude. That’s gross.
The unicorn then floated the gelatinous mass over and slathered it all over the Peach Tree’s roots. With a blast of Earth Magic, the non-newtonian fluid surged into the Tree’s veins, sending energy dancing between its branches. A stinging sensation filled the amputated limb, and soon a branch shot out of it.
Huh. That wasn’t so bad-
The addict lopped off the branch again and grafted it onto another tree, which made adorable squeaking noises, which the Peach Tree felt was completely disgusting.
After an hour long dismembering session, the Peach Tree was missing all of its branches because Twilight ran out of distilled glucose. She gathered all of the other plants in front of the Peach Tree, smiling widely and with too much teeth. “Look at all of your new relatives. Don’t they look sooo delicious?”
No. You suck, you monstrous, soulless herbivore. Why don’t you go eat meat and leave the rest of us alone?
“I’m sorry I can’t keep you around any longer. Applejack would kill me if she finds you still hangin around. Don’t worry. Your children will succeed you,” she said, nuzzling the trees.
Twilight put the plants down and pulled out a flamethrower, a single, manly tear falling from her eye. “Goodbye. You were always my best friend. You would’ve made a great Element of Generosity.” She pulled the trigger.
MOTHERFU-
The Adventures of a Human Peach
Ponies were deemed an illegal industrial chemical by the Royal Court, so the Rainbow Factory was rushing to find a new resource to create Rainbows with. At the time being, emergency Rainbows were being made with chameleons, bunnies, and zombies, in which the blended mixture was being treated with electrolysis through a lamp energized by Nightmare Moon’s spirit.
It worked and looked rather similar, but there still seemed to be a missing element. Blending zombies just didn’t feel the same. There was a certain punch to the gut that the new formula lacked.
On the other hoof, Sombra found a new job during this crisis, and gave up his empire conquering ambitions and turned his energy into raising the dead and luring colorful animals to run the Rainbow Factory.
The Princesses worried that Sombra might try to take over something if they took his job again, so after several behind-the-curtain deals involving an illegal shipment of peaches, Sombra was promoted to CEO of the Rainbow Factory.
This solved one problem, but Sombra was still accustomed to ruling over a nation of slaves, and often made unreasonable demands towards his employees, like stifling their emotional responses as they ground up the helpless, colorful, cursing zombies. There was even a strike; the ponies were claiming that Sombra might kill them to fuel his zombie powered company.
He had to make several demonstrations that the zombies he summoned were OSHA compliant, and didn’t violate any FDA laws. Plus, Sombra said that he never uses pony skeletons. They were a lot happier after the fact.
A few months later, there was a new development in the Rainbow Factory’s lab. One of Twilight’s Peaches (somehow) fell into the labs, and they were found to help add the bit of life into the Rainbows. Princess Twilight made a lot of money off of selling the rights to her special Peach Farm since they were the only ones that had a similar effect, on the condition that she always gets a free shipment of peaches every week.
Huh. Nice factory. I wonder where I’m being sent this time- Is that a blender?
What?! AHHHHHHHH!
Oh dear. Here we go agablubububub
APPLE, I KNEW I COULD NEVER TRUSARAHAGAAHAHA
I AM MILDLY DISAPPOINTED WITH ALL OF YOOOOOU- chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop-chop.
Author's Note
Why are there still people following this?
The Adventures of a Human Peach
A Peach sat on a small stool, resting comfortably on a cushion.
...and after I got here, that purple unicorn started eating me. Somehow, I survived it, and regained my consciousness after she planted me.
“M-hmm,” Pinkie Pie said, scribbling on a notebook.
For whatever reason, the pits inside me seem to clone my consciousness. Whenever one dies, we all get all of their memories- ow. Can you get them to stop sending me’s to be grinded? Its very uncomfortable.
“M-hmm.”
Thanks. It paused. Oh. Ohhh. That’s gross. Eww. Damn it. My memory has been getting better ever since this happened. My old life started to seem to be visible in greater detail when I got sent back to my universe. Too late for me to realize I went back in time, and unable to warn myself of the impending fire. Sigh. I can’t even sigh properly anymore. I want my body back.
“M-hmm.”
I used to be a well off guy. I had a stable job, a well furnished apartment, girls lusting after me, exotic cars. Now, I’m stuck as this. A damn fruit that is barely able to get himself anywhere. Only as a tree do I have the limbs to move, but soon my head is full of clones jabbering away.
“M-hmm”
Did you hear about the mess that unicorn... Twilight, I believe? made out of this? She and the Apples have this feud going on. The unicorn is talking about how nutritious pe - I mean, I am, and the Apples... I think they just really hate me and want to eradicate me. I would really prefer that to not happen, at least until I figure out a way to get out of... Hrrk.
It winced. Sort of. Ow. Another one. Sorry for the interruption
“M-hmm.”
Thanks for hearing me out. You don’t know how long it has been to find someone who can actually hear-
Pinkie fumbled the notepad, revealing a bunch of random doodles. She looked up above me, squinting. “Oh! I am being told to inform you that I am reading off a bunch of notecards,” she said somewhat monotonously. She then perked up “Can I eat now?”
“ “
“Yay!”
I spun my ‘vision’ behind me. There was a red apple sitting on a pair of treads. A few notecards fluttered to the floor, the rest hovering in a strange yellow glow. The apple’s stem was glowing the same color.
What!? TRAITOR. Or not. You were always kind of my enemy. Hey, how are you doin - ?
A glowing fruit cutter slammed down.
Author's Note
Oh look. A self insert. Does this count as a self insert? I don’t know anymore.
Note to new readers: I feel guilty as hell whenever I get a notification that someone is faving this.
The Adventures of a Human Peach
Ah. Tetra. Land of multiple sentients, all living together in Harmony. In the northern mountains, we have the cities of Griffonia. These cities, as the name may imply, are mostly populated by griffons. They have a rather bloody history compared to most other species, but are proud of what they have accomplished since then. Though they tend to be more aggressive than most, you will be hard pressed to find more loyal friends than they.
Another species on this plane are the Wandering Tribes, who live across the sea on a continent of dry lands. The Wandering Tribes are zebras, and have a long and rich oral history. Many young zebras tend to go on a pilgrimage to neighboring lands in order to gain experience, and hopefully come back one day with knowledge to share.
The crown jewel of Quathern, however, is the land of Equestria. They are home to the most adept of mages, and one of the few civilizations who advocate peace and harmony, and meanerinaith -bzzrt
No. NO. They are NOT the bastion of good. They are horrible monsters who are unable to recognize sentient life when it screams in their face. Little technicolor bastards like stabbing me and vivisecting me at every opportunity, Some even use my peaches as tools utterly unfit any purpose that can be imagined whatsoever.
I’ve had enough. That damn Apple opened my eyes, even as it gave me a false sense of hope trying to crush me. It had magic. If it could cast magic, then what can the tens of thousands of me do? If it was treated as a sentient, what will they do when I gather up my innate power and lay waste to this worthless place? If they refuse to see reason, they will see inordinate amounts of force.
Plink. Plink. Plink
Pinkie slowly sat up in her bed rubbing her eyes. Her ears twitched every time that strange plinking sound echoed through her room. She waited for a moment, and was able to pinpoint it from coming from the window.
Is somepony throwing cupcakes at my window?
Grinning, she snuck quietly across the floor and peeked -
Wait, no, it was just a peach twitching against the window pane.
“Aw, does Mr. Peach want to go for a walk?”
The peach plinked against the glass.
“Okie doki! Don’t stay out too late, you hear?” she lifted the window, holding a hoof to her lips. “Try not to wake up anypony alright?”
The peach wordlessly rolled out the second story window and splattered its juices across the ground. Tendrils of cellulose curled out of the tiny pits of its core and into the ground, greedily drinking in the vitality of a nearby bush and its own spilled flesh. Within minutes, a sprout grew out, reaching a foot in height. Soon after, a flower grew, then a bud, then a new peach. The peach snapped off the branch and rolled down the street, joining a small flood of other peaches as they plowed through walls to get out of their prison.
Cries of dismay went through the streets as confused ponies turned on lights to see what all the commotion was about. Somepony screamed in terror as her fridge smashed against the wall several times before the peach inside was able to bore a hole through the side and out the house.
This wasn’t an isolated incident, as peaches across the country shook with unstoppable fury. Windows shattered as they smashed their bruised, leaky bodies through them. Walls blew out as a bucket’s worth of peaches forced their way out. Trees withered and died as the rolling procession greedily drank their nutrients. Peach processing factories erupted in flames as their machinery was knocked over and torn to shreds, the peaches within not caring for their own “lives.”
Thousands of peach clones, all unwavering in their march north. Their target?
A mass of amorphous peach, swirling around a cannibalized lightning rod. The tip pulsed an angry red-orange in regular intervals, calling its furious brethren towards a non-descript location in the middle of frozen nowhere. As the mass grew in excess of 25 tons, a pair of ominous, heartless light “eyes” shone from within its depths, bathing the general area a harsh orange.
.....revenge.
A warped, gooey mouth ripped over. I. Will. Have. My. “Reve nge!”
The giant peach blob snuck through the Everfree, as monsters were wont to do. Plus, it hid its massive orange-red bulk under its heavy shadows very well. This made its first target very simple. His first task was to neutralized the Elements of Harmony. It wasn’t very sure what they could do to them, but it hated Twilight Sparkle, and this would be a quick and dirty way of neutralizing her.
The peach waited until night fell, then made its move. It shoved its body low and slithered through the grass like a massive, ten meter orange slug. It made note of the various nocturnal creatures, and carefully split a chunk off, making it look like a particularly strange slug. The rest of its body gently crept up the edge of the building and hugged it like a wall of jelly.
The infiltrator wandered around the floor of the cottage once it squeezed through the door’s cracks, unsure of the location of its target. A few quick orbits allowed it to find the stairs, which it quickly slithered up. Several wrong doors later, it ended up in the cabin’s main bedroom. The peach grinned internally as the infiltrator opened window a crack. The rest of the peach slowly flooded into the bedroom, completely walling it off from the rest of the world with its body mass.
“Enjoy your last night of dreams, little pony,” it whispered. A needle made of hardened wood smashed through the bottom of her bed and through her brain, quickly consuming it. A claw of peachy matter carefully split her chest open, and tossed out unneeded organs in a pile. Satisfied, a good portion of it took the organs’ place and sealed the cut, leaving behind a scar that would need a magnifying glass to find.
The needle in her skull turned into a peach pit, then a tiny sprout digging its roots into her bones. Fluttershy’s eyes twitched in random directions as the peach figured out which nerves to yank on.
A good thirty minutes later, Fluttershy quietly stepped off the bed, pushed open the window, and flew out into the night.
Rainbow Dash twitched in her sleep. Something small and wet dripped into her cheek. She absently rubbed it off and curled deeper into her bed. Unbeknownst to her, the chunks of orange-ish paste rained at the base of her bed with increasing ferocity ... and then suddenly stopped.
The pegasus’s ears untensed, and she fell back into a deep slumber.
Bits of yellow coated fur slid across the floor, collecting in a pile. The bits clambered around each other, sticking to other pieces like legos. After a moment, a yellow, blank faced pegasus loomed over Rainbow’s sleeping form.
Rainbow and Fluttershy hovered above the clouds. Fluttershy was watching Rainbow gather clumps of clouds, and turning them into small storm clouds. Once she had a good amount of it, she stuck her wings in it, turning them into glowing blades. Her coat and mane puffed up slightly, but she acted as if she didn't notice.
The pair flew into a secluded corner of the Everfree, but avoided touching the ground until Rainbow was sufficiently concentrated to stop the electricity in her wings from grounding. The pair stared at each other for a moment, then chanted, “Losing a friend’s trust is the fastest way to lose a friend -- “
“FOREVER --!”
At the instant Pinkie popped her head out of the bush, the two pegasi put one pair of wings together, and the other pair on Pinkie’s back. A massive flash burst out between the points of contact.
The pair stared coldly at the burnt corpse. “Variables eliminated,” they echoed, sparks of static jumping between their feathers. A blob of ground up peach flesh loomed over behind them and reabsorbed the matter it had lost. “Taking out primary target.” It quickly shot down the streets of the small town just as the early morning sun crept over the horizon.
It ignored the ponies who stared in shock as it shot past their stalls. It ignored everything but the Tree poking over the horizon. Within minutes, it reached the Tree. It glared at it with hate. Its first abuser. Its will be the focus of its wrath.
It swarmed the tree, shooting up the trunk. It dragged Rainbow Dash’s flesh out, and used her hoof to smash the window in. There was a cry of surprise. as the inhabitant was forced to protect her head from the falling shards.
“Rainbow Dash! What are you -- AHHHH!”
A spear shot out of Rainbow’s mouth, slicing off her horn. The unicorn fell off her bed, writhing in pain. The peach hauled the rest of its mass into the room, its glowing eyes glaring down at her with hate. It lifted the pegasus’s body to the side, the pony falling limp in its grasp.
“Remember me, Twilight Sparkle?”
The pony’s eyes constricted in shock at the giant peach. With great effort, she forced out, “What have you done to my friend?!”
“Removed the chances of ... interruptions.” It laughed. “Now, its time return the favor.” It shot towards her, its jaws wide and full of sharp splinters. “Heeeeere’s JAMES!”
Crunch
The Tree-bary exploded. A bloody peach monster roared with laughter, finally killing its arch nemesis. It hadn’t felt so good in years. Part two of its revenge plan? The destruction of Equestria.
It surged down the stairs and promptly face planted when it cleared the front door.
The monster spun around, glaring at the ... Nurse?
“Who ... who are you?” Out of the corner of its eye, it noted a small purple dragon hiding behind her legs. Hmm. It vaguely remembered some sort of companion to the purple unicorn, but it was too busy screaming while being eaten. Darn. Oh well, just have to --
“I’m Nurse Redheart. You do know that these damages are very costly and time consuming to repair, right?”
....What?
She noticed your dumbfounded expression and rolled her eyes. “Do I have to spell it out for you? Killing is bad. Dear Celestia, I thought you would be smarter than this.” She pulled out a blue fur-- wait, that’s Rainbow Dash’s skin. How the hell did the pony sneak it away from it? It watched dumbly as the Nurse pony sat on her haunches, rubbing her hooves together. A moment later, she separated them, carefully examining the few sparks that jumped between her hooves.
“Clear!” she shouted, and placed her hooves on the fur coat that was Rainbow Dash. Bzzt
In an instant, Rainbow Dash reappeared, as if nothing had happened to her, besides a bad hangover. The Nurse carefully guided the groaning pegasus into a cart with a small white box. It strangely reminded the peach of a phone booth.
It blinked, and the implications finally dawned upon him. She was undoing all its hard work! With an angry roar, it charged and smashed the box.
His fist bounced straight off.
Mind-boggled, he grabbed a giant piece of timber and swung it at the makeshift ambulance. The timber snapped in two, though it did manage to crush some more ponies from all the flying shards. It swung it back at the Nurse who was busy reviving Fluttershy.
Boink
It stared, dumbfounded at the unharmed mare. Fluttershy was ushered into the ambulance box, and it wondered how the hell the box was able to fit two fully grown ponies when it looked like it was barely able to fit one.
In a rage, it flung the timbers at the screaming populace.
The Nurse was not amused. “Spike, please take a letter. I need to make a call.”
“NO!” it shouted, and tried consuming the small dragon. Redheart raised a hoof and punched him across the town.
When it finally reorganized its pits into a functional neural network, it realized it was floating in a partially see through yellow box of magic. Ah. The giant horse thing beside him was Celestia. It looked where her eyes were pointing, and and saw, to its dismay, Redheart repairing all the damage he had done earlier. Even Pinkie was pronking behind her, helping the Nurse lug around supplies.
“Well ... bugger,” it grumbled.
Celestia seemed to notice it for the first time. “You have been very naughty,” she said. After a moment of thought, she added, “Banishment and dungeon,” then flung it over her shoulder.
A sonic boom disturbed the Princess’s wave like hair slightly.
Two Hours Later
The Peach blob stirred, its mind aching. After finally being able to push down its migraine, it opened its eyes and looked around it. A bunch of tiny pixie ponies were hovering around him and ... bowing?
“All hail Princess Peach!” one cried.
The lot of them grabbed his shield cube and tossed it into a corner of some important looking building, and stacked books on top of it.
Ah. That explains a lot.
...
Bloody hell.
[End of Part One: Life is Like a Box of Chocolates. I hate Chocolates.]
Author's Note
I hate making names. I’m even worse with planets.
What am I doing with my life.
What are you doing wasting your time with the word barf of this hack author?
The Adventures of a Human Peach
Author's Note
This is all Dorky's fault. Now, if you were smart, you would stop reading this immediately, downvote, and go to his page and upvote everything there.
If not, well, you're all idiots.
10) Peach vs. Romance
The Peach glared out of the Castle’s windows, tearing random bits of dress off his body. He managed to escape the one-track-minded fairy things, and snuck out when his prison flickered. He left a large blob behind; he spent most of his time fuming in that shape anyways, and they don’t listen to his ranting either. He found out that it was pretty near soundproof.
Somehow, his involvement caused a tax reform, construction of new schools, and a bolstered trade agreement with Equestria. And half of those happened while he was sleeping.
Oh well, at least Twilight agreed to house him for a bit. All he had to do for rent payment was to pay her in Peaches.
He twitched as an unpleasant memory suddenly surfaced. Wait ... wasn’t she the first one to go completely mad over them? He would need to remind her that he remembered that, and wouldn’t tolerate that shit. He was going to sit here and hide until the civilization died. None of the creatures on this stupid planet interested him.
“Don’t mess with my peaches.”
“No problem, Mr. Peach.”
“That’s not my-- you know what, I don’t care anymore. Just eat the damn things, and nothing else.”
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe
Flash (the human) exited his school, and hopped onto a skateboard.
Where did he get one? If you’re the type to ask these questions, you probably shouldn’t be reading this.
In any case, Flash rode down the sidewalk, occasionally doing a hop as teenagers like to do.
Suddenly, his phone rang. He picked it up.
“Flash!” the voice called. “Come quick, there’s a problem!”
“What’s up, Twilight” he asked of the girl who studied at Crystal Academy. “Is there something wrong with the future?”
“...Huh? Where did you come up with that idea?” Sci-Twi said. “Its your waifu. She’s being stolen. Come meet me at my lab.”
He nodded gravely. “Don’t worry, I’ll get there as fast as possible.”
“Actually... go to the street in front of my house and wait for me there. I want to show you something.”
Flash was confused. “I thought that custom portal you made was in a basement.”
“Look up.”
Flash turned the corner of the street, and his jaw dropped. There was a DeLorean backing its way out of garage. A whole bunch of wires, vents, pumps, and other confusing items sat across the vehicle’s body.
The car turned around and drove towards him, the driver waving at him. “Heya there, Flash.” she called out to him.
“You ... you built a time machine ... out of a DeLorean?”
“Ye -- What? No! This isn’t a time machine, its a Portable Portal Perpetuator. The thing in the basement works, but I thought I could do better. Make it smaller.” The purple haired teen stuck her head out the window. “I figured that I might as well travel in style. Plus, I wanted to test a theory on whether a capsule of sort could block magical energies or some such.”
She reached across the car and flicked the door handle. “Now come on, we got a waifu to steal!”
Peach made sure that Twilight wasn’t doing anything ... naughty with his peaches, and stood up to go back into his room to sulk. Of course, this was when a crack of thunder blew papers everywhere, then dumped a smoking DeLorean into the room. The residents stared blankly at it while the window rolled down. Sci-Twi stuck her head out. Her human head. “Oh hey, it works! Go me!”
Peach blinked. “Bwah?”
Peach then noticed the other door was already open. He then got run over by a kid on a skateboard. “Surrender, demon! You shall not take my girl!”
“Flash? What are you doing here?”
“Protecting you from this creature. You shall have none other than me.”
“I’m still here, you know!”
He was ignored.
“Tell me, what has he said to make you stray from the one true path?” Flash asked.
“I don’t care!” Peach yelled. “Take her, do whatever, I refuse to be a part of this!”
“I’m sorry, Flash!” Twilight yelled. “His peaches, so large and juicy ... I couldn’t resist!”
“You guys do know peaches are hermaphrodites, right?” Sci-Twi called, popping popcorn into her mouth.
“What the hell does that have to do with anything?!”
“That’s a great idea!” Twilight said. She grabbed two peaches from Peach’s outstretched limb and did ... things to it.
“ARRRGGGHH!”
Peach exploded with the force of a box of dynamite.
Sci-Twi sighed, wiping the fruit goop off her car’s windshield with the wipers. “You can’t just explode to avoid your problems.”
Flash and Twilight passionately made out in the pool of ‘love juices.’ Sci-Twi bit her lip at the scene. Damn, I look good.
Peach exploded twice.
The Adventures of a Human Peach
The Peach opened his eyes, and groaned at the fact of his continual existence. For reasons unknown to him, Twilight Sparkle “attempted” to apologize for her instinct-driven action by buying him a house.
To the builder’s credit, they used their ridiculous magic to construct a decently sized one in under five hours. The walls were reinforced with self-repairing magic. “To ward off any damages it may accrue,” she claimed. Also to test out the new technology.
Of course, like everything else he had experienced since entering this world, the ponies didn’t seem to put much effort into figuring out things whenever he was involved, so said house was essentially a giant, two story box. The five hours thing now made quite a bit of sense.
To even get into the damn thing, he had to punch out a hole every day. Naturally, there was no wiring or plumbing, not that he really needed it. Still, it would have been nice to get some natural light in without having to punch a hole out of the roof.
He wouldn’t even have stayed in the crap of a room if it didn’t actually regulate the temperature pretty damn well. Some nights were cold enough to cause some slight freezing, and though it wasn’t lethal, it was pretty annoying.
“Where to go today?” he muttered half-heartedly to himself, rolling a dice. He peered at it, then nodded. Today, sit in the forest and, photosynthesis or something. And hope Twilight doesn’t steal parts of his body again.
He rolled over to the front wall of the house and punched it out.
He shuffled to some random patch of the forest and sat down. Fluttershy’s cottage was barely within sight, in case he needed a landmark to get back into his box of moping. Hours passed with not much passing besides the occasional curious mostly non-sapient animal. He had a bit of perverse pleasure randomly stabbing anything that got close enough, even though he knew Fluttershy would eventually suddenly decide to make a night time patrol to “exercise” her animal talent and revive them. Because “magic.”
Stupid magic.
He perked a metaphorical eyebrow when the background buzzing noise started increasing way over the normal. Plus, there were screams. For once, it wasn’t something he caused, so he could just sit around and watch as they hurt themselves.
He strolled along the path into town, just in time to see the ponies running around fretting as tiny, colorful bugs flitted about eating any food like item in sight. He even saw some of them devouring wildflowers.
He chuckled quietly to himself and strolled through the main street, passing by the half destroyed market. Some of the stands had fruit cores littering them, with large chunks also bitten out of the carts themselves. One of the bugs flitted over, sniffing him. Before he could slap it, it took a small, exploratory bite.
It made a disgusted face and spat it out.
The Peach froze mid-swing as the insect buzzed away. “OH, COME ON.” He dragged a hand over his face. Sure, he didn’t really want to give out free snacks, but it was kinda insulting that he somehow got considered disgusting.
After a few minutes of wandering around and dodging a Pink blur carrying way too many instruments. He saw a frazzled hair Twilight standing next to her friends, announcing the new spell she came up that would solve their problems. Something about making them eat “not-food.” Seems like it would be interesting.
Her horn glowed, then unleashed a blast at the nearest pest, pinballing into every single creature near it until it hit everything still in the town.
Almost as one, the colorful insects turned towards him, salivating.
To be fair, he thought to himself. these ponies do mind-screw with me on a daily basis. And somehow I world jumped before all this. I wonder if I would go to somewhere new if I die?
He shrugged, and opened his arms as the multicolored swarm descended upon him.
Also, fuck you Breezies. Took me three months to figure out how to get the most of my consciousness out of tha--
Author's Note
Procrastination is a hell of a drug.
The Adventures of a Human Peach
The Peach opened his eyes. They were met by the walls of a library.
A certain library with the wooden walls of the inside of a tree serving as bookshelves.
OH HEEELLLLL NO--! What!? I can’t talk?
A somewhat blurry figure of a purple unicorn stepped into view, prodding his “skin” and checking his ... vine? He grew on a vine now?
“Core growing normally,” the blurry unicorn reported to a scroll floating by her side. “Peach particles also seem to be condensing out of the air, which contributes to the Peach’s mass. I estimate that it will take roughly a week for it to regain its old size.”
The Peach attempted to bite Twilight’s face off, but bounced off shimmering purple shield.
“Oh! He’s awake too. How are you feeling?”
AAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG--
“Oh you.” She tapped the quill against her chin. “I know you’re probably going to be pretty bored, so how should we pass the time?”
Her eyes lit up. “Of course! You haven’t read The History of Equestria: Unabridged , have you?”
--GGGGGHH, wait, what? Nooooyyeess! YES! I HAVE!
“Don’t worry, I’ll refresh your memory.” Twilight levitated over a massive textbook twice as tall as she was, wider than a bed, and had no pictures. It also came with a magnifying glass.
For six and a half days, Twilight devoted eight hours each day to speed read through the massive tome. Unfortunately for Peach, Twilight had managed the art of reading fast enough for one to stop measuring her speed in words per minute and instead use Megabytes per second.
This meant that the Peach now could recite 90% of the massive tome whether he wanted to or not.
At the end of his forced education. The shield finally dropped, allowing the regrown irate six foot orange amoeba to stumble out.
He also had a newly made library card, with a picture of him in a pot. It was currently stuck in his leg when he tried to fling it back, but only succeeded in making it bounce off the unicorn’s horn.
Sighing heavily, he trudged over to the front door, opened it, and fell into a temporal anomaly.
Author's Note
Fuck you, AppleMarine.
The Adventures of a Human Peach
The Peach’s “face” mashed into the grass below him. He groaned and clutched his head, his balance wobbling after flying through a kaleidoscope of colors and a warbling kazoo noise. It took him a few minutes before he felt able to focus enough to look around him. There were hills and forests and grassland but ....
“Where the library go? Hell, where did everything go?”
In fact, with a bit of effort, you could vaguely see the same hills and mountains he could’ve seen from Ponyville, though the forest was a lot denser and closer. He stood up and shambled a bit to get a better look, and to his surprise found that Canterlot wasn’t there. He stared blankly at the missing patch of color that had being a persistent reminder of his trouble for so long, his mental cores literally banging together to make sense of it.
“Two possibilities,” he said to himself. “One, far future, everything got blown back to the stone age. Yay, because everything is probably dead, unless they managed to become post-apocalyptic survivors. That would be very bad.
Two, distant past, in which they weren’t born yet.” A look of dawning realization passed over him. “Can I ... alter my fate?”
Well, only one way to find out, he decided, and so began sprinting in a random direction. With his rather poor sense of direction, and the lack of population, it took him several days before he began noticing anything. Most notably the swirling clouds of pink.
“Huh. Reminds me of Chaos.” He didn’t interact with the Chaos God much, he seemed to be overly snarky and even more bullshit than the rest of the ponies, and was the unfortunate victim of random ‘pranks’ one too many times.
Which was zero. He felt he was lucky he managed to avoid his attention entirely.
He shrugged and kept on running until he sees a small farming town in the distance. He hid behind a hill, squinting, and was delighted to see everything look ... “medival” for lack of a better term. “Yes, I’m back in time. And with no damned Sun Pony to stop me.”
Peach cores floated to the top of his ‘skin, and began orbiting like a chainsaw. “Perfect.”
“Fweeeee.” Peach wiped a bit of blood off his face. “Haven’t been able to let loose in ages. Hmm?” He noticed flashing lasers blasting into the skies above him. He looked down, and saw an equally noticeable cloud of dust and explosions below it. “Huh. I wonder if that’s those two’s battle.”
It took him half an hour to walk over there, carefully hidden in the shadows, of the vast forests that still existed on the planet. His guess was correct, and he spotted a flowing yellow and blue speck flitting about a larger brown object with blasts of chaotic magic.
Having absolutely zero care about the ponies of Equestria, the Peach sauntered over, occasionally popping off a branch to nibble on. “Hmm. They seem to be doing well.” Like the historical records he had unintentionally memorized, Discord was exhausted, and decided to let them go, claiming he had a “Plan.”
Years into the future, according to Fluttershy, there really wasn’t any sort of plan, besides waiting to break free. Also, from conversation with Twilight that he never really wanted to participate in, but apparently using the Elements felt great for the first few seconds, then became incredibly draining. “Opportunity~~” he sang, going into a loping run.
As he neared, he could see the glow of the Elements charging. He leapt into the air behind them. “HA! Gotcha!” He threw a peach core hard at Celestia. The distracted Alicorn could do nothing as it bounced off her head, which gave quite a satisfying “clonk.”
Peach fell from the apex of his jump, an arm pulled back and cores spinning at full speed. He never noticed the beam from her shuddering, nor how it started to turn orange when the core passed through it.
Right before he hit her head, he heard a loud, but clear, Snap
Time froze.
Peach’s eyes bulged. Mentally, anyways. No. No no no no. It was perfect. What is it now!?
Slowly, he began to move backwards. Time was still frozen. He went back through the forest, phasing straight through the trees at increasing velocity. Then he went through the towns he rampaged through, and he stared in disbelief and horror, because the matchsticks he left the place with now rising up again and becoming recognizable houses.
Bloodstains and smears coalesced into ponies, looking completely carefree. Fires birthed out fresh wood and submerged houses dried.
Noooooooooo
Still he was constantly accelerating backwards. Within minutes he was back where he started. He hovered in the air for a split second, then came crashing down into the Earth. There was a sound of thunder.
He then faceplanted onto cobblestone road. When the echoing in his mind faded, he realized that the ‘thunder’ was just a really loud and distorted finger snap. He blearily raised his head and stared crosseyed and the talons in front of him.
Discord smiled sweetly at him. “Oh, thank you, so, so much for setting the events in motion that would create the Equestria today!”
“....what?”
“Oh, you know. Our ponies wouldn’t be nigh indestructible if it wasn’t for you showing me the Magic of Friendship so early on.”
Peach stared at the draconequus for a few moments, his gut starting to churn at the distinctly wrong way Discord was acting. He took a deep breath.
“FUUUUUUUUUUU--”
Author's Note
A/N: Yay, low effort. Also, screaming is probably going to be a thing now.
And, uh, I guess this is another arc over.
The Adventures of a Human Peach
One THOUSAND years to the moooooon. For community service.
The Peach pulled his face out of a crater.
“Ow.”
He sat up, briefly admiring how the dust particles bounced over the surface, before looking upwards. The blue jewel of Equis floated serenely above him, backlit by a universe of stars.
He shrugged. “At least I’m out of that hellhole. Wonder what’s to do here?”
He closed his (metaphorical) eyes, spun around a few times, then started walking.
“Weeeee!” he said, bouncing across the low-gravity surface.
“Huh.” He paused in front of miniature model of Sister’s Castle, the one he had once wandered upon in the Everfree Forest. It was still significantly large due to the model being still half-sized, and also included the nearby forests and forest paths. He wandered around the dust-castle, occasionally prodding a tree and watching it topple in slow motion.
He then squeezed inside the tiny castle. He admired the frozen banners, the tiny glassed chandeliers. He squatted besides the ankle high dining table, carefully sat on the tiny throne, and most importantly, looked around to see if anyone was watching.
Feeling sufficiently isolated, he raised his arms, which turned into giant orange hammers. “Peach SMASH!”
The universe is always watching
The Peach pulled his face off the ground with a pop and looked around. Above him was a giant hole, apparently the ground collapsed when he hit it. Around him ... well, it was a storage room of some sort, with a bunch of chained statues shoved against a corner.
Statues that seemed to be absorbing energy from the light filtering in from above. Some sort of golden glow started from the surface on the golems directly touching the light, then slowly melted down. One by one, the eyes on the statue flickered, and turned blue. Creaking, they focused their blank gaze onto him.
“...Well, shit.”
The Peach smashed through a wall, rolling and skidding to a stop on his feet, fists raised. The blue eyed golems marched out, cracked, but unrelenting. “Hiya!” the Peach shouted, punching the air. His fist transformed into hundreds of spikes, impaling the multiple golems. They cracked and fell apart, only to be trampled by the next line of golems.
“... ok, screw this. I’m trying something else.” He rolled back further away, dodging magical fireballs and sword swings. He hopped into the air, then slammed his legs into the floor, pumping his knee with a hand. His inner fluids spun, rotated, cycled throughout his body faster and faster. Once satisfied, he let a little bit of the kinetic energy leak through his feet.
Whoosh! went the Peach, blazing through the army as his fist jackhammered everything they met before they had time to react. Moments later, he was surrounded by a small hill of rocky limbs and dented swords.
“Oh yeah, finally something I can wreck face without worrying about anything,” he crowed.
He was answered by a quiet, cautious squeak. He lowered his arms and looked around, trying to find--
The Stars will aid in herhis escape
“Who said what now.”
Above him, through the shattered roof, a small cluster of stars formed a circle, and started growing brighter. They flashed, and sent a beam of light into the middle of their formation.
The Peach squinted at the light display. A moment later, he froze, and panicked. “That’s no moon!--”
A giant laser skimmed the surface of the moon and obliterated him.
The Peach fell out of the pot in his unhumble abode, groaning. “I hate everything,” he grumbled, staring at the ceiling.
While he wallowed in his regularly schedule genocidal thoughts, a door formed on the wall of his house. This was something new, since he still didn’t have a door to actually get in or out of.
Twilight stepped through, a plaque and a bag of bits floating in her magic. “Congrats, Peach!” she said, a wide smile on her face.
The Peach twitched. “What.”
“The Princesses are giving you an award for saving the Sarosians from their underground home, the Ponymonium, and preventing civil war from occurring. I’m impressed with how far you’ve grown.”
“What?”
“Also, now that you have a door now, we’re gonna reinforce the walls. No need to punch it down anymore, isn’t that great? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to let the reporters through. They’ve been chomping at the bit to here from Equestria’s new hero.” Twilight placed the framed award on a bookshelf (where did that come from) and the bits in a corner. “See you soon!” she said, backing out.
The Peach pondered the last thirty seconds, then desperately pounded on the walls.
Ha, no
He was then overrun by strobe lights he couldn’t punch out.
This was not worth the bits, nor the crown it was printed for.
“AAGARRGGHHH--!!!”
Author's Note
Hasn't updated in a year
Secondary title: Ponymonium in 1000 words or less
The Adventures of a Human Peach
A boy yawned, hearing a knock on the door. He took a look through the peephole, and saw nothing. “Huh.”
He opened the door. His eye was drawn to a dirty box sitting on the welcome mat. On the box, scribbled badly with a box cutter, were the words. “Glvc to good bockyord.” The boy squinted and realized that the little hook on the letter “e” had fell off. Because the letters were carved into the cardboard.
Oh well. Free plant.
He took it into his backyard and planted it.
Daddy?
Ten Years later
Electricity jumped in a dirty alleyway. The sphere of energy expanded and popped, depositing a burnt and unhappy Twilight Sparkle. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot, and bits of drool fell from her lips as she kept on mouthing “Peach...”
On her back, she wore saddlebags with a few apples, and a slingshot in her magic.
“Peaches...”
Her horn glowed, boosting her olfactory nerves. She sniffed the air, locking onto the peach particles. “My peach...”
She cloaked herself, stumbling dazedly through the night time streets, still sniffing the air. She paused at the front door of a non-descript house. With a muffled poof, she teleported into the house. She looked out the window and saw the ten year old peach tree. “Peeeach.”
She walked out the door, her horn glowing as she ripped the tree out of the ground.
Da heck? Oh goddammit, not you again.
A teenager sat up in bed, his stomach churning. Something was wrong. Something to do with peaches. “Mr. Peach!”
He hopped out of bed and ran down the stairs. He froze as he ran past the kitchen, smoke billowing in the air. Charred apples laid across the floor, setting the house on fire. The stovetop held several apples, its flame on high as it sent burning apples across the room.
“Noooooo! I’m sorry Mr. Peach! I’m sorry I never believed you!”
He never noticed the twitching unicorn vanish with his tree.
Author's Note
Do you really want to see how badly I can write?
The Adventures of a Human Peach
(A/N: In which the author left this sitting in his docs for months because he was trying to write a "Finale". He decided to screw it.)
Ow, ow, ow - actually, that’s a bit of a lie. With so many of me’s dying all the time, being pierced with a needle and string doesn’t seem that bad anymore. Despite not having any nerves in the first place. Never seen this before. Wondered what this pony is thinking. Really weird wind chimes?
No idea, said the peach behind the first one. Of course, I have the same memories and knowledge as you do, so this is a bit of a moot conversation.
Well, I assume this is somewhat similar to just talking to yourself. If your voice was outside your skull, said a third.
Butts! said a fourth.
I am somewhat worried that such a personality exists within us.
Let’s just assume that one got driven insane and hope to hell he doesn’t get killed anytime soon. I do not need to see what’s bouncing in there.
Oh hey. She’s back. I wonder what she is going to do with a bunch of peaches on a string. On a second thought, considering our track record, this is probably going to be stupid, painful, or demeaning.
.....welp, we’re doomed.
Yep. Let’s see, she took us out of the fridge and is now levitating us to her room. And now we’re in. Can you see what’s going on behind us. I can’t see.
Locking the door. Whatever she’s planning, it’s something private. And in her bathroom.
Butts!
Shut up, Donny. You’re not right in the head, so if you would please, let the rest of us think for you.
Uh, guys? I think he’s on to something. This might be what drove him crazy.
What?
She’s.... turning around.
Oh god.
Aw, heellll no!
You - we are a peach. You don’t got limbs anymore. It’s happening
Butts!
We get it! No need to rub... there goes the first one.
AGGGGH!
Ew. He hasn’t died and I can still feel it.
NOT ME! I DON’T WANNA GO!
Sorry, you’re next in line... oh that is just not right.
Butts!
Yep. Butts. Oh dear.
....This was as bad as I imagined it to be.
*Crunch
Blarghagh. Oh. Oh god, that’s disgusting. Agh. Urk. Gasp. I’m out. Fresh air. That was too long. ....We’re going back in, aren’t we?
Butts! Haha! HahahAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bloody hell, I’m feeling it too. Donny, can I borrow some of that?
Author's Note
I wrote clop. Well, masturbation, but oh well. Does this require a mature tag?
Damn, and I swore to myself I would never write clop. Even implied clop.
Oh, and fuck y'all.
