The Happiest Place on Equestria
“You wanted to see me, Princess Celestia?”
Twilight Sparkle asked the question as she walked through the grand oak double doors into Celestia’s throne room. The bright sun shone through the grand stained glass windows of murals of Equestria’s storied and colorful history, and a ruby red rug stood below Twilight’s hooves.
Princess Celestia sat across the room, gazing at her star student, Equestria’s best magician, and the newest member of the royal family, at least until Hasbro decides to cash in on an episode with Princess Skyla.
Luna was there too, but she didn’t have a throne. She just sorta stood there off to the side next to her sister like she does in the theme song. They had tried to build her a throne next to her sister’s, but they ran out of money because there were a bunch of budget cuts.
Sequestration is a drag.
“Yes, my faithful student. I called you here for a very urgent message that I want to give you,” said Celestia, motioning with her hoof for Twilight to approach her.
Twilight walked over, her eyebrows narrowed. “Yes, Princess? What’s the urgent message?”
“Well…” the princess started, but then she trailed off before she began.
“We have both good news and bad news. Which shalt thou hearest first, young Sparkle?” asked Luna.
“Uh, the good news? I guess?” asked Twilight, her head turning sideways.
“Very well, then. The good news is that we’re going to givest thou a kingdom of thine very own to ruleth over,” said Princess Luna, smiling.
Twilight’s jaw dropped. She didn’t speak for a few moments. Then, her hind leg began to tap. A few moments later, all of her legs tapped. Finally, she hopped up and down in circles around the throne room.
“Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!” Twilight exclaimed, hopping along giddily in a way that would make even Pinkie Pie resemble her stoic, grey-haired, rock-farming sister more than the now-ecstatic alicorn princess.
“Oh my gosh! I’m so excited! I always wanted my own kingdom! I’ll build a bunch of libraries and institute mandatory reading time, and if ponies refuse I’ll just cast the want-it, need-it spell on the libraries to force them to! I’ll make college free, fix all the potholes, end poverty, put fluoride and MDMA in the drinking water, and allow fillies and colts to marry each other at age five! I’ll ban smoking in bars, require helmets be worn while jogging, and round off all the table corners so that nopony will ever die again! My kingdom will be the safest, happiest, most educated and enlightened society on the planet! It’ll be like Sheepden or Mareway, but without all the snow, because I’ll let ponies wrap up winter with magic! Everypony from all around will be flocking to move there, and I’ll--”
“But now cometh the bad newseth,” Luna interrupted, her gaze fixed to the floor.
Twilight Sparkle stopped for a moment, glancing back at her. She raised an eyebrow, but then laughed, slapping her knee with her hoof.
“That’s a good one, Princess Luna! Bad news? Nothing in the world could get me down after what you’ve just told me!”
This time, it was Princess Celestia who spoke. “The bad news, young Twilight, is that we don’t actually have a country or colony that you can rule over.”
Twilight blinked a few times. Then, she sat down on the floor, her brow furrowed.
Celestia shook her head. “Yes, I’m very sorry. Every princess is supposed to have her own Kingdom, after all. Princess Luna and I have Equestria, Princess Cadance and Shining Armor have the Crystal Empire, Prince Blueblood has the Stirrupean Union, and King Leopony II has all of Africolt. And you were supposed to get the Ewekraine, Twilight, but… well, let’s just say that the plan backfired on us.”
Princess Luna addeth, “Turns out that not everypony liketh us putting our alicorns in charge of their country. They’ll calleth you a ‘fascist.’”
Twilight Sparkle’s ears drooped. “You mean that the ewes and rams of Ewekraine don’t want an alicorn pony ruling over them? That’s terrible!”
Celestia shrugged. “For whatever reason, those sheep want to be ruled by other sheep. I think it’s because that Reindeer Empire leader to the east is putin rebellious propaganda on their TVs and putin weapons in their hooves. We wrote him a sternly-worded letter, but all he said was 'crimea river.'”
“Anyway,” Luna started, “we didn’t want you to be upset, so we decidedeth to try to make it up to you the best that we could.”
Twilight’s ears perked back up. “Really?”
Luna nodded, smiling. “Shouldeth thou tell her, or we, Tia?”
Princess Celestia said, “I’ll tell her, because I don’t think the readers like reading your voice. Twilight, we are still going to give you a kingdom. But it will be much smaller. The good news is that you can make a lot of money from it and have a lot of fun, though.”
“Okay, let’s see it!” Twilight exclaimed.
“Alright,” said Luna. “But be forewarned: we had to make your kingdom on rather short notice, so don’t getteth thine hopes up.”
“Oooh, I’m so excited!” Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing up and down. “I feel like my head’s going to explode into candy!”
The Mane Six sat on the Ponyville Express as it chugged along towards Twilight Sparkle’s new kingdom.
“Oh, well, I’m sure that it will be really nice,” said Fluttershy. “I just hope that there are animals there. I wonder what sort of exotic creatures live in your kingdom?”
“Who knows?” said Twilight. “The Princesses have kept the details about my kingdom a secret even from me. It’s a surprise.”
“Shame that Spike couldn’t make it,” said Applejack.
“Yeah, he had to stay behind and watch the pets again,” said Twilight.
That’s a lie. The real reason that he’s not in this story is that I didn't feel like writing his dialogue in addition to the mane six. So sue me.
“I hope that there’s lots of room for me to soar around in the sky!” Rainbow exclaimed. “It’s not, like, an underground kingdom, is it?”
“No,” said Twilight.
“I hope that it’s befitting of a princess like you. Hopefully the streets are paved with gold, and all the buildings are made of marble. If not, well, I know a spell to fix--”
“NO!” Rarity’s five friends shouted. She blushed, shrinking back.
“And I hope there’s apples,” said Applejack.
The mane six all groaned. Of course there would be apples. There’s always apples.
The train drove by a group of three grand old oak trees.
“Hey… I recognize those trees. Isn’t this near where Daring Do World used to be?” asked Rainbow.
“Daring Do World? Beg yer pardon?” asked Applejack.
“Yes, Daring Do World. Turns out that for whatever reason, it wasn’t all that profitable. Maybe because there isn’t a Daring Do movie, only books,” said Twilight, shaking her head.
“They closed it down last year. Which stinks, because I only got to visit it like ten times!” said Rainbow Dash, frowning as she crossed her hooves. “I would’ve gone more times and spent more bits if I knew it wasn’t making any money. It’s all my fault!”
Fluttershy patted her friend on the back. “There there, Dashie, I’m sure that it didn’t close because of you.”
The train came to a stop outside of the station.
“Attention, passengers! We’ve reached our destination: Twilight’s Magic Kingdom,” the conductor said over the intercom.
“WE’RE HERE!” Pinkie exclaimed, bounding out the train door, scrambling on her hooves like a leopard on crack.
The other five calmly got out of their seats and followed her.
“Alright everypony, now remember, we don’t want to get our hopes up. Remember the lesson that we learned at the gala…” Fluttershy started.
“Oh, I’m sure it will be great, Fluttershy,” said Rarity. “Quit being a neigh-sayer.”
“Oh, okay…” Fluttershy said, her voice trailing off.
They stepped onto the train platform and walked down the sidewalk. Finally, they reached their destination.
The mane six glanced up at a set of wrought-iron gates where the sidewalk met a fence. A pony dressed in a red suit stood in a ticket booth next to the gate, and on the other side there was a row of turnstiles. Roller coasters towered above the horizon .Atop the gate, in bright neon letters, the words “Twilight’s Magic Kingdom” were written. And under that, the park's catchphrase, “Magie Macht Frei,” was written in smaller words.
“Oh, Princess Twilight!” the gatekeeper exclaimed. “Just walk right on in; you and your friends get in for free.”
Twilight stood there with her jaw open and her eyes wide. Her five friends turned to her, then to the gate, then back to her. Then, they all laughed.
“Your kingdom is a theme park?” asked Fluttershy.
“They turned the Daring Do World into Twilightland?” asked Rainbow Dash, flying over to the fence where she could still see some faded jungle green and earth brown paint that was still visible through the single, thin coat of hastily-applied lavender and purple.
“Twilight’s Magic Kingdom,” Rarity corrected, pointing with her hoof. “And I’m sure that it’s just as splendid as a real kingdom, isn’t it, everypony?”
She glanced at the four other ponies, her eyes narrowed. Applejack nodded her head, narrowing her eyes along with Rarity. Each of them knew that they had to pretend to be impressed, lest they let Twilight's hopes down.
“Uh, yes,” said Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash silently nodded.
“Well…” Pinkie started, her face in a frown.
“I think it’s…”
The other five turned to her, Twilight included.
“...AMAZING!” Pinkie screamed. “I mean, I was expecting Celestia and Luna to give you an actual country with a bunch of boring old royal duties and boring galas and a bunch of stuffy, drab socialites and corrupt politicians. But instead, you get a super-duper fun theme park with rides and cotton candy and everything! Best kingdom EVER!”
“Well…” Rainbow Dash started, scratching her chin with her hoof. “I guess if they reused all the Daring Do rides, then it would be pretty fun. I mean, I liked the Daring Do park, and even though it’s not the same, I guess it can be cool.”
They walked through the turnstiles and down the main thoroughfare of the park.
“Oh, and is that a pigeon over there?” asked Fluttershy. She pointed towards a pigeon who was pecking at a dirty piece of popcorn on the ground.
“I mean, I get to see them all the time, but…”
Rarity and Applejack both glared at Fluttershy, who blanched. “Uh, I mean, the pigeons here are so much prettier than the ones back in Ponyville!”
A family of unicorns walked by, and one of them levitated a candied apple in his magic.
“Hey, and they even have apples here!” Applejack exclaimed.
Pinkie said, “and they’re covered in ooey gooey caramel, too! You don’t see that every day in Ponyville! Well, I mean, you do at Sugarcube Corner, but I know that we’re supposed to be making Twilight not feel let down about her new kingdom being just a theme park and all so I’ll play alo--”
Applejack shoved her hoof into Pinkie’s mouth, silencing her.
Twilight chuckled. “Eh, it’s alright... I’ve always loved reading and managing, and if the princesses want me to turn around this amusement park and make it profitable, then I’d rise to the challege. I guess...”
Applejack and Rarity looked at each other. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. They silently agreed to keep up their farce, and force their friends to do the same, until Twilight truly came to terms with the situation.
“Well, the location is a bit far out of the way,” said Rainbow Dash. “We had to travel on a train for two hours just to get here, and the ticket cost like ten bits. I mean, I could just fly like I did when it was Daring Do World and I was going by myself, but your other customers might not be pega--”
Rarity used her magic to zip Rainbow Dash’s lips up with a zipper. “Nonsense, darling. The location is perfect! Scenic… uh… wherever we are!”
Applejack’s stomach started rumbling. “Y’all wanna grab some grub? That train ride took a lot out of me.”
“Yeah, seriously, we probably crossed like seventeen time zones,” Rainbow Dash muttered, rolling her eyes.
The six ponies walked over to the central area of the park. Dozens of ponies sat at picnic tables and ate pizza, ice cream, nachos, pretzels, funnel cakes, and all variety of amusement park food.
“I wanna find that candy apple stand. Not gonna lie, that looked delicious!” Applejack said, licking her lips.
“There it is,” Pinkie said, pointing towards a stand shaped like an apple. It looked like the same sort of design as the apple-turned-carriage that Twilight made for the mane six’s ride to the Grand Galloping Gala.
Applejack walked up, looking at the menu.
“Hmm…” she said, reading aloud. “Caramel apple, caramel apple, caramel apple. So many choices!”
Finally, she made her difficult decision.
“I’ll take a caramel apple, please,” she said.
The cashier took an apple on a stick, dipped it in caramel, and then hoofed it to Applejack. “That’ll be fifteen bits,” he said.
Applejack’s hat flew off of her head and into the air.
“FIFTEEN BITS? I ain’t never seen such a price! Why, back in Ponyville we sell apples by the bushel for--”
She stopped herself, remembering Rarity and her silent agreement not to let Twilight down.
“--But I’m sure that it’s worth it here. I mean, what with foreign exchange rates ‘n all.”
“We’re using the same bits here,” said Rainbow Dash flatly.
“Eh, whatever. I’ll take it,” Applejack said, reaching into her saddlebag and retrieving fifteen bits.
“Thank you for shopping at Twilight’s Enchanted Apples,” said the cashier.
“So, are the rest of us going to get something to eat, too?” asked Rainbow Dash. “I wonder if they still have the Daring Donuts.”
“Well, seein’ as how it ain’t a Darin’ Do park anymore, I’d guess not, sugarcube,” said Applejack in between mouthfuls of expensive apple.
“Well, I’m sorry, but I don’t have enough money,” said Fluttershy.
“Me neither,” said Pinkie.
“That’s okay,” said Twilight. “I’m sure that I can get us a free meal. It is my theme park, after all.”
The mane six finished up their complimentary food and got up from their picnic table.
“Well, the food is okay at least,” said Fluttershy.
“Uh, maybe a bit too much grease,” said Rarity, her stomach churning. “Uh, er, not that there’s anything wrong with grease or anything. It gives me an ulcer, but it’s worth it!”
“So I guess we should wait a bit before going on the rides?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Awww!” Pinkie exclaimed. “But I wanna go noooowwww!”
“We can go look around at them,” said Twilight. “I can just skip us to the head of the lines once we feel like riding on them.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Rarity. “Hopefully I’ll feel better by then.”
They got up and headed across the park, where the first ride was located. It was a tall purple spire which had a track going around and around it. Ponies rode a coaster down it in circles.
“Reverse Gravity Staircase?” said Rainbow Dash, looking at the sign sideways. “What on Equestria? What happened to the Daring Do Tornado of Doom?”
“Well, it must’ve been changed over to a Twilight-themed ride since it’s her park now,” said Applejack. “But I can’t place mah hoof on what it is either, Twi.”
Twilight narrowed her eyes for a moment. Then, her eyes lit up. “Oh, that’s right! You guys weren’t there! When Spike and I were going to the Crystal Palace to stop Sombra, I had to climb a really tall staircase. I couldn’t make it in time, so I just cast an anti-gravitational spell on myself and slid down--er, up--the stairs.”
“Ohhhh!” the other five ponies exclaimed.
“That sounds like fun! Even though we didn’t get to go with you when you did it in real life, we can still take the ride!” said Pinkie, darting off towards it.
“Well, that ride is certainly out for me,” said Rarity, her stomach growling as she winced in pain. “Spinning in circles would cause me to vomit in a rather unladylike fashion. Perhaps a straighter ride without as many turns?”
“I agree,” said Fluttershy. “I get dizzy easily, too.”
“How about this one!” Pinkie yelled from halfway across the park. She motioned with her hoof for the other ponies to walk over.
The other ponies walked over to where she stood.
A rocky cliff rose into the air, and a coaster of wooden minecarts climbed up it. Once it reached the top, it dropped back down at a blistering speed, with the ponies on it screaming and hollering all the way down.
“Escape from the Canterlot Mines? What happened to Daring Do’s Cliffside Climb?” asked Rainbow Dash, reading the sign.
Applejack shook her head. “For the last time, Rainbow Dash, this ain’t a Darin’ Do park anymore! The Daring Do stuff is all gone! But… come to think of it, what is this, Twilight?”
“Well,” Twilight started. “When the changelings invaded Canterlot, Princess Cadance and I were trapped inside a crystal mine.”
"So you teleported out?" asked Fluttershy.
"No," said Twilight.
“Oh, so you used that same spell to escape that you used to free the ponies from my gorgeous crystal town hall?” asked Rarity.
“Yeah, the one that lets you walk through walls?” asked Pinkie.
“No, that wouldn’t have been dramatic enough,” said Twilight. “Instead, Princess Cadance sung a critically-acclaimed song as we worked our way through the dark mines. We found an old minecart and then rode it down a steep ravine. But the track was completely out at the bottom! Thankfully, Cadance could fly, or I’d have been toast, since I wasn’t an alicorn at the time.”
“Y’all couldn’t have levitated yourselves?” asked Applejack.
“Again, not as dramatic,” said Twilight.
“Awww, why do you always do all the fun stuff when we’re not around!?” Pinkie pouted. But then, she smiled. “Oh well, at least we get to take the ride!”
Rarity’s stomach growled. “No, I don’t think so, darling.
“Hey, Twilight. You mentioned that you wanted to make the park profitable, right?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Twilight nodded.
Rainbow continued, “Then don’t make rides based off an inside joke that nopony is going to get but you and like two other ponies! I mean, if we don’t even know what these rides are supposed to be and we’re your friends, how are the visitors supposed to know? Even a big-shot, household name like Daring Do couldn’t pull off a profitable theme park, and she’s--”
“A princess,” Applejack cut in. “Twilight’s a princess, and even if these things only happened to Twilight, I’m sure ponies’d love to take rides based off her life, ‘cause she’s royalty!”
“Hopefully a little bit less motion, though,” said Rarity. “I still don’t feel that well. Is there a smoother ride than a steep drop?”
Fluttershy turned to Rainbow Dash. “Was there a Daring Do ride that was smoother than this?”
Rainbow Dash thought for a moment. “Well, there was the Daring Do Haunted River Caves. It’s just basically an indoor canoe ride. But fair warning, it’s really scary.”
They all looked at Fluttershy.
“Oh, it’s okay. I’m willing to take a ride that’s smooth sailing, even if it’s scary, because Rarity needs us to.”
Rarity smiled. “Thank you, dear! You’re so sweet.”
They all walked across the park.
As they walked, they came across a young colt walking with his parents. As he crossed their path, he jumped in the air and screamed, “Oh my gosh! It’s Rainbow Dash!”
Rainbow Dash grinned, looking at the colt. “Oh hey, squirt! Yeah, I’m the real deal--”
He ran right past her.
Rainbow Dash turned around and saw him running over to a pony wearing a Rainbow Dash fursuit and spray-painted gold chain that only vaguely resembled the element of loyalty.
“Can I hug you?” asked the colt. The Dash mascot didn’t say a word, but extended its arms and embraced the foal. His parents got a camera and snapped a picture of the colt hugging “Rainbow Dash.”
“WHAT?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “That looks nothing like me! It’s just an old Daring Do costume that they dyed rainbow colors! And don’t they know that we don’t even have the elements anymore? It's so unrealistic!”
“Yeah, and that mascot don’t brag or boast nearly as much as the real Rainbow Dash, neither,” Applejack quipped. The others laughed, and Dash fumed as they jumped ahead to the front of the line to get into the Everfree Nightmare River Ride.
They piled into a canoe in a lighted room as it departed, going into a dark room. The ceiling was barely lit, and there were fake trees all around.
A maniacal laugh echoed through the room, and a projector flashed an image of Nightmare Moon up on the wall.
"Oh, hey, this must be based off of our first adventure together!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Oh, that's a relief! I don't need to be scared, then, since I know that it all turned out fine," said Fluttershy.
They continued on the darkened river, until the water began bubbling and they reached a tall, purple, animatronic dragon.
He cried, “Oh, what a world!”, and then the water bubbled up some more, though not enough to get anypony in the ride wet.
But then, a spotlight shone on a cardboard cutout of a white unicorn, who slid over on her gears and bequeathed her tail to the dragon.
“OH!” Rarity cried. “My coat does NOT look like that! That is completely the wrong shade of white! And they used straight hair on my mane instead of curly!"
"Sugarcu--"
"DON'T 'SUGARCUBE' ME!" Rarity exclaimed. "As if my food poisoning from eating that amusement park garbage wasn't enough, now I have to witness this crime against fashion!"
Twilight blushed, sinking back in her seat. The ride continued on, and then they reached an even darker room. A few red lights showed here and there, illuminating ominous faces, and the tendrils of tree branches slid across the room. Then, a cardboard cutout of Pinkie Pie bounced up and down, as a recorded song played,
"Snicker at the specters,
dally with the demons,
make time with the monsters,
buddy with the baddies!"
"Hey! That's not how it went! They didn't do their research!" Pinkie frowned.
They continued on, and an animatronic manticore popped up in front of them. It roared a mechanical roar.
"THAT'S AUHIZOTL!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "They just spray-painted over him! THOSE JERKS!"
"Rainbow..." Applejack started, but before she could react, Rainbow Dash jumped out of the canoe. The other canoe riders gasped as she punched the animatronic "manticore" in the mouth, knocking it over as the emergency lights came on, flooding the dark room with fluorescent light.
"NO MORE CHARADES! Look! There's his tail!" she exclaimed, pointing out his three-fingered tail that a manticore wouldn't have, but Auhizotl would. "And those aren't manticore claws; THOSE ARE HANDS!" she said, pointing out the robot's hands.
"RAINBOW DASH! Have some manners!" Applejack cried.
"Oh yeah, Applejack?" Rainbow asked. "Look what they did to YOU!"
Rainbow flew over to the other side of the room and grabbed an orange cardboard cutout pony with a blonde mane who was wearing a baseball cap.
A mechanical voice said "Fughedabowdit!" in a manehattan accent.
The color drained from Applejack's face.
"They made me a YANKEE?" she cringed.
Fluttershy glanced towards the back of the canoe at her alicorn friend.
"Twilight..." Fluttershy began.
Twilight lifted her head up from the bottom of the canoe where she had been crying silently on the floor. If anypony would be easy on her, it would be the kindest pony she knew.
"Yes, Fluttershy?" Twilight asked.
"Your park is terrible."
