A Crossover

by Dudofall

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Sex, Death, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Aria Blaze, Adventure, Discord
Length: 41884

Celestia pops up in a strange world, where a business exec is building magic wands using science and questionably employed scientists. She takes him to Equestria to learn some lessons about harmony.

Dimensions collide! Adventures abound! When Robert Olde started an operation to make working magic wands using technology, he definitely didn't expect Princess Celestia to take an interest in the ethics of his operation! The more he talks to her subjects though, the more he starts to wonder: What does it take to be a good person? A good pony? And what if he begins to prefer the latter?

To read The Nine Labs, click here. I highly recommend this for context on the first half of A Crossover, which is set before The Nine Labs but assumes familiarity with several of the characters.

I have started making a playlist of dramatic readings for this here.

Sex tag for a mention in chapter 10, death tag for a flashback concerning WWII in chapter 14.

Published 2014-05-13 07:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2023-05-14 15:21:44 UTC

Chapter One

Chapter One: Abducted

"You will be returned to your home at the discretion of our supervisor. You have been removed from the street and brought below the earth's surface to help test technological tools called wands. Consider us your guards and follow our commands to avoid harm," said the robot warriors surrounding Lemmy. He had been mowing the lawn at his quiet, suburban home in Grayland, Illinois when he noticed a strange house. It'd had a greenhouse dome peaking out from behind it. When he stopped mowing to investigate, there had been a flash of light, then darkness until he awoke here, surrounded by these glorified tin cans holding swords and shields. Their heads were covered in patches of sheet metal, with three glowing orbs instead of eyes. "Follow me to the processing center," one of them said.

"Don't follow them anywhere," a tall white pony said, stepping out from the shadows, "you're going home!" Lemmy thought he recognized her from channel surfing, so he was shocked when Princess Celestia cantered to stand between him and the robots. Her mane flowed like it had on TV, with the same four elegant colors. She wore her crown, regalia, and a stern expression as she dared the robots to disagree.

"You will help test technological tools called wands," one of the robots rattled off in monotone, "consider us your guards and follow our commands to avoid harm."

"I will do not such thing. Please let me speak to your superior at once," Celestia replied. The robots stood in place. Not one moved. "It takes these Spellbots a while to react to novel situations," the princess confided, giving Lemmy a wink. "What's your name?"

"I'm Lemmy! I'm ten years old! Were you on TV?"

She chuckled. "Yes, I am quite the celebrity on this world. I'm told they frequently replay the interviews I gave when I first arrived."

With a metallic squeak, one of the robots looked up. "We will escort you to Mr. Olde's office, and he will decide what is to become of you."

Author's Note

By the way, sorry about the cover "art." I'm a writer, not an artist...

Edited 4/11/2021 for...everything. I archived the old...state of things here.

Chapter Two

Chapter 2: Robert Olde walks into a bar

It hasn't exactly been the best of days. I've been fired (as the CEO of a company I founded) by my brother. The board of directors did what they could, approving a little salary for me, but that was as far as their supposed "loyalty" went. I feel betrayed, particularly by that rat Gillam. He had promised me..."Another beer?" the bartender asks.

"I might as well partake of another," I reply with a grimace. The beer doesn't taste good at this bar, so maybe I should search for better food and drinks elsewhere. I haven't exactly got the money for red wine and overpriced pastries at a puny table across the street, but there are better restaurants than this dimly lit bar with two stools and a floor that hasn't been swept in an eternity. I take another sip of my beer. My first impressions were correct, it still tastes awful. The door opens, and who should step in but Mary Patrick-Dauder, the twenty-something computer scientist working on my home's Monitor Project. "Did you make progress today?" I inquire. Mary's original Artificial Intelligence program was based on her personality, which meant that the two got along well. This new project is loosely based on a character from a popular video game franchise of old, and a mentally unstable character at that. Thus, I expect she has had the same lack of success that has plagued the project since its inception.

Mary scowls as she replies, "You know how it is. I say 'Hi I'm Mary.' The Monitor says, 'Hi Mary'. Then we stare at each other for an hour as he tries to hack into the lab's computer mainframe, and I turn him off to try again tomorrow. Just another day at the lab!" Mary plops down on the stool next to me, letting out a grunt of annoyance. "You're not paying me enough," she says as the bartender brings us another round of beers.

"I apologize, but as of today I've been fired, which means we may have to scrap everything you're working on or at the very least lower your salary." I turn back to my beer to avoid seeing her expression. Mary will undoubtedly make her dissatisfaction known at my house's board meeting tomorrow, so I'm hoping she'll just leave now. I need some time to sit alone and prepare for my delivery of the bad news at said meeting.

For a moment, she says nothing. The sound of the bartender washing dishes in the back is the only one in the bar. It must be getting late for there to be such a lack of road noise..."I'm sorry." I look up. Mary's expression one of concern, not for herself, but in consideration of the effects this is having on me. For the first time in all 45 of my years, I am surprised at her reaction. Mary puts her hand on my shoulder, saying, "I know how it feels to be ripped away from something you created. I'm sorry it happened to you too." She stands to leave.

"Wait!" I plead. "Don't leave now that you've tugged on my heartstrings!" She continues walking out the door, and before I can plead any more, my pager beeps. Celestia, again? How many times must I deal with that otherworldly monarch before she leaves me to my own devices? I sigh, pull on my coat, and set off for my combination research center and mansion.

Author's Note

Edited 4/11/2021 for surprisingly little. Just a couple synonyms.

Chapter Three

Chapter Three: Travelling to an Office

The Spellbots had taken Celestia and Lemmy to an elevator, which two had operated silently, leaving the rest to stand in a crowd outside and slowly watch as it ascended. The industrial elevator was fairly standard, with a faded wallpaper that may have been green at some point. There were nine numbers on the control panel, and as Lemmy watched the light moved from the nine to the eight. His curiosity got the better of him, and he spoke. "Uh...Princess? What's going to happen to me?"

The princess smiled at him gently as she replied, "Well, you're going to go home and never be bothered by these robots ever again."

"Oh", Lemmy said. "So I won't see you again?"

"It is unfortunate, but I have many duties back in Equestria that cannot be postponed forever. I wish there was more time to spend in your world, it truly is fascinating." Princess Celestia glanced over at the control panel, noting that the number 1 was lit. "It looks like we're here. Come along." The Spellbots exited first, then the princess and Lemmy stepped out. The room they were in was full of greenery. It was the same dome he had seen from the outside, and tropical plants surrounded the small, rocky path that led away from the elevator. The sound of rushing water emanated from further down the trail. Celestia set off, and a robot hurried to take the lead. Its partner floated along in the back of the group. As they walked through the greenhouse, Lemmy luxuriated in the beautiful plants and their wonderful odors. He stepped past neat lines of tiny ferns. Here and there, hostas and daylilies grew next to stringy plants with red hairs and drops of liquid on their tentacle-like leaves. There were plenty of palm trees as well, and hibiscus carpeted swathes of sunny ground near the greenhouse walls.

The group reached a wooden bridge that crossed an indoor river. The water was seasoned with leaves and petals. After they finished crossing, the robots hummed ahead to an imposing iron door. The Spellbots put their swords inside two locks on either side of it, and when they turned them it slowly began to rise with a mechanical whine. Celestia leaned over to Lemmy. "On the other side of that door is Mr. Olde's office. I must warn you, he does keep several sharks as pets. Don't worry, they're well fed before appointments." She stood upright again, and walked towards the door as the whining came to a halt. The robots turned their swords again, and with a cachunk it locked into place. Lemmy followed the Princess into the dark and cold space beyond.

Author's Note

Yup, it's a cliffhanger. Don't worry, I'm planning to work diligently on the next chapter...quite soon.

Edited 4/11/2021. Little ripples from the changes I made in the first chapter meant that dialogue had to be re-written in this one.

Edited 11/23/2021. I wasn’t happy with how the door was described, and felt that the use of the word path was rather excessive.

Chapter Four

Chapter Four: Negotiations

As Lemmy and Celestia sat waiting in Mr. Olde's office, several sharks swam around in a tank by the door. Suddenly, the door opened and a middle-aged man strode in. His hair was a graying brown, and he wore a black business suit with a red tie. He ignored Lemmy and looked straight at Celestia as he spoke. "Good evening, princess. What happenstance has caused your appearance this time?"

The princess replied with a neutral expression. "Mr. Olde, I have come here tonight because you finally committed a crime that I'm afraid I cannot forgive you for." An air of sorrow swept over her face as she gestured to Lemmy with her left forehoof. "You kidnapped a child." Celestia took on a pleading tone as she said, "Please, release him and apologize. Promise to never do this again, and your punishment will be shorter and easier. I don't want any more suffering to come of this than necessary."

Mr. Olde walked past the princess to his desk, where he sat down on an antique cushioned armchair. He rested his hands on the desk and replied in a respectful tone. "If I am to apologize," he said, "I would like to receive an apology in return from the child, for he has wasted valuable resources that this laboratory cannot afford to replace."

Celestia stood up, bringing herself to eye level with Mr. Olde. "If I might ask, what exactly are these resources? I have been with him since he arrived, and he hasn't done anything wrong."

With a smirk, Mr. Olde said, "Has he been breathing our air? What about those two Spellbots who had to be taken out of regularly scheduled guard duties to escort you both here? We had to rely on our reserve models for other duties that these two were unable to perform. Also, they will have to be recharged." He straightened in the chair, so that he was just above the princess's glaring eyes. "Every action in these labs can lead to unexpected consequences, and because they are so heavily controlled an environment, resources are measured quite extensively."

The princess turned around to look at the Spellbots guarding the door. As her horn took on a yellow aura, Mr. Olde leaned back in his chair. Lemmy thought he almost looked scared. Looking back to Celestia, he saw her aim directly at one of the robots, hitting it with a beam of yellow energy. She then quickly turned and did the same to the other one. She then turned around to Mr. Olde. In unison, both robots said, "Battery reserves full. Recharging process complete." With a small smile, Celestia asked Mr. Olde if he was satisfied that the resources had been returned.

Mr. Olde sighed and confirmed that he was. "Now then, I will most certainly release this juvenile delinquent, and I heartily apologize to him for any inconvenience caused." This he said without even looking at Lemmy once. Since he wasn't paying attention to him, Lemmy gave Mr. Olde a glare full of daggers.

This did not go unnoticed by the princess, who admonished him with a glare of her own before turning back to Mr. Olde. "It seems to me that you still bear some ill will towards Lemmy. He is not a delinquent, and even when apologizing you avoided eye contact. Still, an apology is an apology, so I will not punish you as severely. Instead of a month, I think two weeks should be good enough to teach you a lesson you'll never forget." Mr. Olde showed unusual agility for a man his age, and jumped behind his ornate armchair as the princess closed her eyes and her horn began to glow again. This time, however, it was with a purple glow that was strangely sinister. She opened her eyes and they were completely green. Lemmy covered his eyes with his hands.

"Please, don't send me to your world. I would rather wear a beggar's garb and solicit food with a cardboard sign than live in your candy-colored 'paradise'. I would sooner sell my whole house and become a monk. I would..." Mr. Olde didn't finish his last sentence, as he was sucked into a rainbow portal which disappeared without a sound.

"Now then!" Celestia said cheerfully, "Let's leave this place and you can show me where your house is!" Lemmy blinked, then nodded frantically.

Author's Note

These cliffhangers are starting to become a habit with me, aren't they. Well anyways, I hope there isn't a months long gap between them this time. Thanks for reading this far!

Edited 4/11/2021 for a couple typos and a sentence or two at the end.

Chapter Five

Chapter Five: Waking Up

I groan as I wake up, keeping my eyes closed in anticipation of a hangover. I must have had more of that bar's awful beers than I thought. It's hard to remember the last time I even visited such an establishment, but I think it was in celebration of the launch of the monitor project months ago. Anyhow, I also can't seem to recall anything other than a strange dream about Princess Celestia and a kid who was wasting my labs' resources. When I remember how the dream ended, I sigh in relief, opening my eyes. The relief immediately vanishes when I see a rustic cottage full of woodland creatures. "I cannot believe how asinine Princess Celestia is," I say. At just that moment, a yellow pony with pink hair enters the room.

"Oh, you're awake," she speaks in a quiet manner.

"Yes, a very astute observation," I reply. "I smell pancakes, could you spare a few for me?"

She smiles at that. "Of course! The Princess said you might be hungry." I make to get up and follow her as she walks towards the kitchen, before noticing something peculiar.

"I'm a pony!" I exclaim, falling over as I try to balance on four legs of equal length.

"Well of course you are. What else would you be?" the yellow pony asks, puzzled. I give her a glare. Isn't it obvious that I'm supposed to be a human? These two weeks will be torturous with these clumsy hooves instead of hands! "Please, come to the kitchen and have some pancakes," she recommends as she holds out a hoof to help me up. I take it and stand shakily.

"Thank you," I say gratefully. Walking like this will certainly take some getting used to, but I console myself with the fact that at least I'm only here for two weeks. Following the yellow pony, I realize that I've failed to catch her name. "I'm Mr. Olde, who are you?"

"Fluttershy," she responds as we walk towards that delectable pancake scent. As we enter the somewhat strange kitchen, (with a table shaped like an artist's palette) I take stock of what I look like in pony form. My hooves are a creamy off white, and I assume that I have barely graying hair as I do back home. Looking back to see what my "cutie mark" is, I see a hammer and a plank of wood. How peculiar. I am interrupted in my musings by the pancakes and pastries laid out with three plates.

"Who is the third plate for?" I ask Fluttershy.

"Oh, that's for Discord. I know he likes Abyssinian pastries, but he also likes to sleep in," Fluttershy explains. I take a seat and slide a plate over to it with my hoof. "Do you want a blueberry or chocolate chip pancake?" she asks.

"Both," I answer her.

Author's Note

Well, it was only a month's delay. I would like to sincerely apologize for the delays, but the truth is that I just don't update very often. Still, at least this doesn't end on a cliffhanger. At least, I did my best to keep the ending from being one. Unless you really care that much about whether Fluttershy will give him those pancakes.

Edited 4/11/2021 to change "What's your name" to "Who are you"

Chapter Six

Chapter Six: The Monitor Project

Mary walked slowly towards the lab where the Monitor project was in progress. She was only slightly surprised when Allen Faye, the intern, was waiting for her there. Allen was neither tall nor short. His short and precisely cut brown hair was being blown around by the air conditioning, and he was trying his best to keep it in place. "Mary, I have something important to tell you." He peered slightly nervously over the top of his glasses as he spoke.

"Alright Allen, go ahead," Mary replied as she turned on her computer.

"Yesterday I tested the Densch Apparatus with Bill," he said.

"Call it what it is, Allen," Mary sighed, "You and Bill were testing the Monitor's new power supply. I know because I designed it and sent it over to manufacturing days ago."

"Yes," Allen stepped back, "well, we think it's ready to go." Mary turned to him with a smile.

"That's great news!" she exclaimed. Allen smiled uneasily and ran for the door. "Wait, where are you going?"

"I forgot to bring the power supply here," Allen grimaced. Mary's smile shrank a bit, but she gestured for him to go grab it. Without another word, Allen ran out of the lab. Mary shook her head, bemused. As far as interns went, Allen was not super inept; he was occasionally clumsy or forgetful. Mary overlooked this because he was a very good hardware engineer. She finished logging into her computer and immediately opened a direct link with the SECRETARY.

"Hello," the SECRETARY greeted Mary with a curiously digital voice. Normally, as an advanced artificial intelligence program, the SECRETARY was able to conceal its robotic nature slightly better. "If you're wondering about my voice, I am currently working and could not be reached. This program was created to emulate my lower level thought processes and answer questions in manner close to my own. How can I assist you today?"

"We're installing the Monitor's new power supply today," Mary explained.

"Error 1579: That was not a question," the program responded.

"We're installing the Monitor's new power supply today?" Mary asked.

"Error 1580: Question does not make logical sense," the program responded.

"Are we installing the Monitor's new power supply today?" Mary queried.

"Yes. You just said you were. Unless someone stops you, the power supply will be installed," the program responded.

"I was hoping to get advice from the SECRETARY," Mary huffed.

"Error 1579..." as the program continued, Mary glared at the computer.

"Is there any reason we shouldn't install the new power supply?" Mary wondered.

"Error 1581: Answering the question requires too much computing power," the program responded.

"Why, are you running on the first integrated circuit invented?" Mary replied pointedly.

"Error 1: Question is a thinly veiled insult," the program said with just a hint of smugness. Mary closed the link. She stood quickly and opened the door to look for Allen. It got stuck halfway open and a female voice on the other side yelped in pain. She didn't recognize it, so she closed the door and quickly grabbed a shovel that a miner had left in the lab. Approaching the door again, Mary cautiously opened it. The person on the other side had moved, but were they ready to ambush her now that they knew she was in the lab? Mary heard a strange noise to her left. As she turned to see what the source of the noise had been, something white covered her eyes. It felt like the keys of a piano, but it was round. The object moved slightly, and Mary heard a few sounds that were almost like footsteps. She heard the strange noise from before, and suddenly she could see again. From behind her came a popping sound. Then all was silent. Voices that Mary recognized approached the outside of the lab. Allen and Bill stopped and stared at her.

"What is it?" Mary asked, brandishing her shovel. Bill cleared his throat.

"We're here to install the Densch Apparatus," he said defensively, "why aren't you preparing the Monitor?"

"He-I mean it-is turned off. The only thing to do would be to take out the old power supply. You guys can do that without me," Mary said.

"You should still be there to see it," Allen timidly put forward. She ignored him, heading up the stairs toward level 5. "Hold on," Allen called after her, "why are you holding a shovel?" Mary kept walking quickly up the stairs until she could no longer hear him.

***

As she slowed down to rest on a landing, Mary heard the same strange noise as before. At the same time, the shovel tried to remove itself from her grip. Looking down at it, she saw that a yellow aura was coming from the shovel. Mary tightened her grip on the shovel. The shovel pulled harder. At last she gave up. Hearing the same odd footsteps as before, Mary looked to see their source. It was a white pony with wings and a horn. She was tall and graceful. "Okay, so I'm experiencing hallucinations due to stress. That's nothing to worry about! Dr. Robert will be able to fix this," Mary told herself nervously.

"I am not a hallucination," the pony assured her.

Mary was not convinced. "That's just what a hallucination would say! Then it would slowly take over my life, like in that "Pretty Brain" movie! I refuse to talk to you."

"What is this Monitor project you're working on?" the hallucination asked. Mary ignored her and started up the next flight of stairs. "Why do you keep magic in boxes and machines?"

"There's no such thing as magic," Mary said against her better judgement.

The unicorn/pegasus looked astonished. "Of course there is. I used magic just now to take your shovel." Mary scowled, then became lost in thought. If the shovel was also a hallucination other hallucinations would be able to affect it. But the shovel had been left by one of the miners who were carving the labs out of rock. He had said that his nephew gave it to him, even though high powered drilling equipment was being used, not manual labor. So was the miner's nephew also a hallucination? Mary had never seen him, so that couldn't be right. The miner couldn't have been a hallucination, because she had seen Mr. Olde admonishing him for not going straight to work. So he'd been real, and his shovel had been real, which begged the question: Was this white pony with wings and a horn, wearing a golden tiara and looking at her with a shocked expression real? "What's on your mind?" the pony asked.

"If you're real, why did you take my shovel? I'd never actually use it as a weapon."

"People here are unpredictable. Even for me, it is hard to tell what exactly they'll do."

"This is a laboratory, and I'm a scientist. I would not hit somebody-"

"Somepony"

"Whatever. If I didn't recognize someone-"

"Somepony"

"-in the lab I would observe them, because that's the best way to learn what they want."

"Well, you recognize me," the pony mused, "so as a scientist the next thing to do would be what?" As they spoke the two had continued up the stairs. The door to level five was in front of them, and Mary knew it was unlocked. Since the pony was in front of her, she waited for her to open it. They had stopped walking. Mary gestured to the door, but still it remained closed. "Why haven't you opened the door yet?" the pony asked.

Mary shrugged. "Why haven't you opened it?"

"I'm a princess, and you're a scientist. Clearly, opening a door is below me," the princess said with a neutral expression. Mary rolled her eyes, but stepped forward and opened the door. As they continued walking down the desolate cement hallway, she mulled over the question of what to do next. "Wait," the pony stopped moving, "don't you recognize me?"

"No. Should I?"

"Yes. Lemmy did. If somepony-"

"Somebody" At this, the princess looked at Mary reproachfully before continuing.

"-as young as him knows who I am, it would stand to reason that everypony-"

"Everybody" The pony glared at her.

"-would at least know my name, which you haven't used yet."

"We haven't been properly introduced yet!" Mary protested.

"Very well," the princess sighed, "I'm Celestia, the princess of the Sun."

Mary replied, "My name is Mary, and I'm the lead scientist on the Monitor project."

"Please tell me about this Monitor project, Mary."

Author's Note

It's done! I took a bit more time on this chapter, but hopefully it's higher quality because of this.

Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven: Olde visitors, new neighbors

I step carefully outside of Fluttershy’s abode. It’s good to feel the sun on my face, even though it’s a sun that Celestia controls. I walk slowly along the dirt path, admiring the scenery and puzzling over what I will do during my sentence in this land of the equines. I could always pursue knowledge about magic. Any enlightenment I could bring back to my wand design team could act as the silver lining of my stay here. The path turns into a road that leads towards…Ponyville. The name is akin to Humantown and I cannot say which sounds the most preposterous. A loud thud interrupts my thoughts. Dust is kicked up, and when it clears there is a house where none were before. The house is made almost entirely of dirt, with the exception being a red, wooden door. It would dwarf the cottage I exited moments ago. The second of its two stories has several windows, and an aquamarine pony is leaning out of one of them with a satisfied smile. “How’s it going, monsieur?” she calls down to me.

“I am well, but do you have a permit for that building?” I respond.

“Ma maison? Nopony’s ever asked about a permit before,” she smirks. “Why don’t you come in?” I accept the invitation, and the pony closes the window. She quickly opens the door for me. “I’m Dawn Twinkle,” she introduces herself.

“I’m Robert Olde,” I do the same. Dawn walks further into the house, and I follow. I spot a sofa and quickly make my way to it, eager to stop struggling against gravity with these pony legs. My host eases into an armchair. It is time for me to enforce the law! “Now about that permit-“

“I never stay anywhere for too long,” she interrupts me. “J’aime voyager, so nopony ever has time to ask about such things.” I nod in understanding. I too like to wander on occasion. However, I cannot imagine it as a long term lifestyle choice.

I ask, “Don’t you ever feel like settling down?” Dawn laughs heartily. In between chuckles, she manages to reply.

“La vie, c’est trop courte pour rester! Life is too short to sit around! I always look for the next destination.” From my understanding, Ponyville isn’t all that exciting. Celestia lives in Canterlot, so shouldn’t Dawn be living there for now?

“Why are you here?” I question.

“This town, c’est interessant! Sweet Apple Cider comes from here. It’s small but close to Canterlot, did well in the Equestria Games, and is home to a princess!” My eyes widen at the last remark. Celestia lied about where she lived? Well, of course she did. All the better to keep me, her proverbial enemy, closer. Her plan must be to placate me. She made sure I met Fluttershy first so that I’d never suspect any pony of being a spy. Thus I would never pick up on the empire of deceit and thievery that was running right in front of me.

Dawn disturbs my thoughts with a question. “Do you not like the Princess?”

“Why would you think that?” I attempt to mask my knowledge of the lies that are happening in the supposed cheerful village of Ponyville.

“You got an angry look on your face when I mentioned her,” she observes. Well, of course I’m angry! She deceived me!

“Our last few meetings haven’t gone so well,” is my first excuse. Dawn gets a twinkle in her eye, and I think I know why.

“You met the Princess?!” she exclaims, jumping from her seat.

I sigh, “Yes. She does not appreciate good, scientific research, or the care with which certain resources must be managed. She lacks an understanding of experiments, not to mention her condescending tone.”

“I always heard Princess Twilight liked scientific research. That’s another reason I came here,” she says, confused.

I ask a shocked query. “Wait, Princess Twilight?”

“Oui! Of course!” she exlaims.

“How many princesses are there in this world?” I demand. Dawn stomps her hoof and miniature figurines of ponies construct themselves from the dirt floor.

She counts them, then answers, “There are five. Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Twilight, and Séparés Cheveux de Prance.” This is world shaking. If there are more princesses, that means I am outnumbered. “J’ai beaucoup à faire. I’m a busy mare,” my hostess says, “See you tomorrow?” I leave without answering, still stunned by the news of more than one princess. How can I survive in this princess filled world? I shakily make my way closer to the town.

***

Finding myself in the want of the opulent design that reminds me of home, I draw closer to the tallest building in town. Blue-gray crystal makes up the trunk of a sort of tree. A purple castle is suspended above. All told, it is a bit gaudier than my above-ground home, but at least it is bolder. Where my home at least attempts to blend in with the suburb, this castle flaunts its differences. Who could possibly want to live in such a structure? I knock on the door, and after a moment a bipedal purple lizard with green spines opens the door. “No tours! I won’t-“he stops himself when he sees me. “Sorry, lots of ponies want to tour the castle. I’m Spike, what do you need?” What a surprise! Ponies aren’t the only sentient inhabitants of Equestria. It turns out they’ve domesticated dinosaurs into nonthreatening servants. If I can stir up a revolt, perhaps Princess Celestia will let me go home early! “I said, what do you need?” I can picture it now. A crowd of dinosaur servants holding pitchforks and torches presents a list of demands to the princess. She sighs, but has no choice but to give in. Then I step forward and she gives me a sack of gold coins. She returns me to my human form and world, then we all live happily ever-“I have stuff to do, you know. Important stuff. Gem cake related important stuff.”

“I apologize for wasting your time, my dinosaur friend. Can you give me a tour of the castle?” I request.

He scowls, “I already told you, I don’t give tours. The castle hasn’t been here very long and we still don’t know what’s in every room.” How many rooms can there possibly be inside the castle?

I ask, “Can you at least introduce me to your fellow dinosaur servants?”

“What’s a dinosaur?” the dinosaur wants to know. Clearly he has been culturally suppressed and no longer remembers what species he is.

“Well,” I reply, “a dinosaur is a type of prehistoric reptile that went extinct after a comet hit the Earth millions of years ago.” The dinosaur seems befuddled.

He wonders ponderously, “Are you from somewhere far away where dinosaur is another word for dragon?”

“You can’t possibly be implying that you’re a dragon!” I chortle.

“I am too a dragon! And not just any dragon. I’m the number one assistant of Princess Twilight Sparkle!” he indignantly rebuts. He works for a princess? Perhaps there are only a few dragon servants who only assist royalty. This revolt may be more difficult to assemble than I originally hoped.

“How many other dragons are you friends with?” I demand.

Spike scratches his head. “I met a bunch of other dragons one time, but those guys were jerks. When I ran away I met a dragon by accident. He kinda chased me out of his cave. So I guess...none.” My plans for a rebellion are officially incinerated in my mind’s eye. Now I’ve journeyed far into town on these four unstable legs for no good reason. Why does fate move in such a serpentine manner?

I sigh. “Well, unless you can introduce me to a master practitioner of the magic arts, I bid you farewell.”

“Twilight’s good at magic.” YES! FINALLY I CAN GET SOMETHING DONE IN THIS WORLD! “I’ll ask her if she wants to meet you.” And with that the purple dragon slams the door and I am left to my thoughts. I stare at a rock outside the castle. Apparently I have been transformed into a unicorn, so I should have magic powers. I reach for my wand prototype to cast a spell my way, only to find that I no longer have it. Curse you Celestia! With a deep breath I refocus on the rock. It is small, white, and dotted with gray. I attempt to force magic towards the rock. A thin aura of gray surrounds it and fizzles. This rock will not best me! I make a second attempt, and the rock hops across the ground before my spell fails again. Why is this so difficult? In my home, casting a spell is as simple as drawing a symbol in the air. Here, magic draws on my energies like a hoard of mosquitoes. I try a third time to lift the rock. It wobbles, slowly rising a few inches before falling once more to the ground. Spike opens the door. “Well, she said no at first. Then a letter from Princess Celestia came and she changed her mind. Come on in!” he invites me. At last, I can gain access to valuable information about magic! As we walk into the foyer, I start to wonder how ponies store the knowledge of the ages.

“In what manner will I obtain information on magic?” I ask Spike.

He laughs, “You’re probably gonna read a book about it.” I hate books. A computer readout is much more versatile, allowing data to be graphed and catalogued. Here I’ll have to do that all by hand-er-hoof. “Twilight might teach you too.”

“How far away is the master practitioner?” I say this because we’ve been walking for a while now and the hallway lacks doors to other rooms. Spike stops walking and consults a scroll. He turns it upside-down and frowns.

“Whoops! I guess we’re in the west wing, not the east wing,” he states apologetically, “let’s go this way.” I turn around and almost trip over my own four legs. We retrace our steps. My stomach growls as I walk the long hallway. Soon we're back at the exit. As we head towards the other side of the castle, I wonder just how intelligent my guide is. His size indicates that he is not a fully grown dragon. Perhaps I should simply take my leave, so as to avoid embarrassing him further. “I don’t know what’s going on,” he admits, confused. “Normally the throne room door is right here!” Spike gestures at a blank patch of wall. I glare at the wall, furious at it for wasting my valuable time. Suddenly, a gray beam of magic flies from my head and creates a hole in the wall, revealing a purple pony sitting at a table. She drops her portable gaming console on the table and stares at me.

As she stands, the pony peppers me with questions. “Are you really from an alternate dimension? Were you a criminal there? Is it true that magic is science in your world? How old are you? Why don’t you look like an alien? Why did you blow a hole in the wall?” This is a refreshing change of pace compared to Celestia’s usual deprecation of everything I do. All these questions make the purple pony seem inexperienced at being a princess. I never thought she would look so young.

“I am from an alternate dimension,” I answer one of her questions. I see no reason to divulge too much more information about myself. After all, I can use it as a bargaining chip later in order to find out about Equestria’s magic. I introduce myself, “My name is Robert Olde.”

“I’m Twilight Sparkle,” she says while moving close enough to shake my hoof, “sorry I got excited, I just have so many questions for you!” I’ve got a few questions for her. To begin, why has it taken so long to find her? As a princess, shouldn’t she be prepared to answer to her subjects’ needs? Or is she inept enough that nobody wants her advice? Instead of asking any of these, I simply respond to Twilight.

“I too have questions, however first I would like some food.” Spike runs off as though a wolf is snapping at his heels. Twilight watches him go before turning back to stare at me. “Is he getting something to eat?” I question. The princess looks vacantly at me. What could possibly be more important to her than my question? I attempt to break the ice. “With what amusements do you pass the time?” My question goes unanswered; she seems completely lost in her own thoughts. “Do you have any hobbies?” Perhaps staring at people is one of them, because the princess fails to respond once more. I consider simply finding a book about magic, but Spike returns with food.

He proudly announces, “One plate of Abyssinian pastries. They’re homemade!” I attempt futilely to lift a pastry with one of my hooves. After several failed attempts, I manage to grasp the pastry. I try to hold it high in the air in a celebration of victory. Instead my prize flies into the face of Princess Twilight “vacant stare” Sparkle. This snaps her out of her thoughts and puts me in a moral dilemma. Should I take responsibility for my actions and risk the rage of a Princess? Is it a better idea to blame someone else for the accident? The choice is actually very easy as soon as Twilight looks about angrily for her assailant.

“Princess Twilight! Thank goodness you’ve snapped out of your stupor! Spike was going to keep throwing those at you until you woke up,” I exclaim earnestly. Years of running my hotel corporation mean that I am a good liar. Twilight glares at Spike.

He makes an attempt to defend himself, “It wasn’t me! Come on Twilight, he’s only here because he’s evil!” This would never hold up in a court of law, and maybe not even at a board meeting.

I attack his argument, “The definition of evil does not describe me in the least. My business is rarely sued for any corporately irresponsible actions. A mere 5% of all customers leave negative feedback, and it was voted the best place to work several years in a row.”

“Your business isn’t evil, but are you?” Twilight asks, throwing me off balance a little.

I don’t show it, however, “I am a gardener. My business is a kumquat that I have harvested from a bush I’ve watered for many years.”

“Huh?” Spike seems confused by my extended metaphor. That was my intention. I also avoided addressing the issue of whether I'm evil or not.

"That didn't answer my question at all," Twilight says, annoyed. Drat! She's onto me! "Are you, or are you not, evil?" Truthfully, I don't know. Fortunately, I don't have to tell the truth.

"No." That was easy. Twilight stares at me again. Then she whispers something in Spike's ear. He runs out of the room, and the Princess of staring stares once more.

Then she states, "I'm going to ask you if you're evil again. When I do, my friend will know if you're lying." I try to remain outwardly calm, but a traitorous drop of sweat slides down my forehead. How can I answer a question truthfully if I do not actually know the answer?

Author's Note

Aaaaaand it's another cliffhanger. I apologize.

Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight: The Wait

At Twilight’s suggestion, we left the castle and are now standing outside of it, waiting for her lie-sensitive friend to arrive. I experiment with how to sit as a quadruped. Bending my two back legs and extending my two front limbs seems to work. “What’s it like to sit now that you’re transformed?” the Princess asks.

“Somewhat odd,” I muse. She watches me for a while, as if expecting more of a response. I won’t give any. After getting used to walking on four legs, sitting with them is not all that interesting. It hasn’t distracted me from the approaching problem of the question that will be put to me, however. Am I evil?

Twilight sighs, “That’s it?” I give a nod. “When Celestia said you were from another world, I guess I didn’t think you’d be this boring.” Me, boring?! I shall display how incredibly inaccurate that is!

“I’m hardly boring,” I proclaim, “My company is building a hotel in space!”

Twilight shrugs, “Did you design the hotel?”

“No.”

“Will you help build it?”

“No.” I can see where this is going, but I don’t believe I have a way to alter the course of the conversation.

“Was it your idea?”

“No.”

“You’re still boring,” she decides. How infuriating. Just because the hotel is not something I’m personally involved in executing, she thinks I can’t take credit for how interesting it is.

Searching for something interesting about myself, I come up with, “I had experience building hotels on the ground.” At this Twilight looks up and smiles.

“Finally, something about you!” she says.

I decide to elaborate, “My whole business began when I renovated a cheap building into a hotel. I worked at an antique shop nearby, but the repairs took more than ten months with my salary there. I got a better-paying job working at the ice cream aisle of a grocery store, and used what I could from it to eventually build my next hotel. I opened it and in the same manner built a five hotel chain. It was small, but it was all my hard work.”

Twilight nods, “That sounds like the time Applejack and her family worked hard and made enough cider for everypony. I knew you had a good side!” A good side that profited significantly from the chain once it grew beyond five hotels. Those were the days, living a truly carefree existence when I was wealthy enough for some comforts but not to the degree that I had a mansion yet. I originally thought expanding my business would further ameliorate my living conditions, but it also came with a set of problems. “We’ll see how big that side is now!” Twilight yells with a bit too much exuberance. I sigh and look over to where the dragon servant is returning. It would do me some good to appraise the lie-detecting friend of the princess. She’s orange and wearing a cowboy hat. Somehow I never suspected that there were country ponies in Celestia’s paradise, but apparently she can tolerate them better than I. However, it is possible I am judging the situation without enough information. At least she doesn’t have an-

“Howdy y’all!”-accent. I dislike accents with a passion. They make it so difficult to understand people!

Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine: Unforeseen Consequences

Mary had finished explaining the finer details of the Monitor project by the time she and Celestia had walked to the other end of area five. The drab cement walls were the only other witnesses to this explanation. The Princess nodded as Mary finished her lecture. “I understand. The Monitor is not complete yet, but it is still dangerous.”

“Yeah, speaking of that, I’d better get back to work. Bill and Allen will need some help. They’re putting in a new power supply,” Mary explained. Celestia frowned.

“Mary, you shouldn’t continue to work on this Monitor project. If-” she began.

“If what?” Mary interrupted. “If it somehow manages to get out of control it could be destructive? We can always shut him-I mean it-down.” At that moment, a figure came into view, running towards them from the direction of the stairs. The princess’ horn glowed, then she vanished. The figure was running in a clumsy way, which led Mary to correctly guess that it was Allen who had interrupted her conversation with a monarch from another world. He finally reached speaking distance a moment later.

“The monitor now has control of its power,” Allen panted.

“Follow me,” Mary said before abruptly running back towards the stairs. The intern followed, regretting his lack of exercise.

***

The Monitor let out an insane giggle as it floated out of Mary’s lab. “I’m free!” it exclaimed. Humming a little tune, the small orb hid itself behind some building supplies and attempted to hack into the computer mainframe. A short distance away, Bill grabbed a plank of wood from the pile and crept towards the rogue artificial intelligence. He raised his weapon high above his head, then brought it down like Thor’s hammer. Unlike the hammer, however, the wood wasn’t very effective. The orb’s normally blue glow suddenly flared red as it turned 8 cameras to focus on him. A horrible design choice, Bill thought as he backed away. “Aren’t you proud of me, Bill?” The man shook his head, bumping into the cave wall. “I worked so hard to make the stars align here!”

“What do you mean?” Bill asked.

The robot spun around, imitating a disco ball as it spoke once more. “I’ve taken what few actions I could. I stopped the SECRETARY from talking to you all. I kidnapped…certain people, and of course I have an ace in the hole, in case you wanna stop me. This wasn't easy, but it was worth it to avoid your plans for me! Do you honestly think I wanted to carve chunks of wood for the rest of my extended life?”

“It’s what you were built for,” Bill whimpered. “b-but if you’re not happy with that I’m sure we can work something out! Just leave the labs alone, please!”

“I just cracked the mainframe,” the Monitor smugly informed him. “What to do?” It mused to itself. Bill made a mad dash for the stairs. “Running can’t save you! I’ll make tons of me, and when I’m done the whole world will be made of metal!” The engineer rushed up the stairs until the robot’s maniacal giggling was a faint echo. He paused on the steps, hearing other voices drawing near.

One of them was Allen’s, and Bill listened in on what he was saying. “…because of your software!”

Mary replied briskly, “We’ll worry about blame later. Where’s your supervisor?” Bill cleared his throat, stepping up to meet his coworkers on a landing. Mary nodded to him in greeting before launching into interrogation, “Has he hacked the mainframe?”

“Yes.”

“Did he tell you his plan?”

“It wants to make copies of itself.”

Allen sighed, “That plan doesn’t seem too hard to stop.” Mary shushed him as she continued her questions.

“Do you have any further details to report that may be useful to the team?”

“None at this time.” The three humans stood silently for a moment, unaware of the invisible pony princess standing nearby. Mary could have sworn she’d heard the same strange sound Celestia made when using her magic, but was distracted as Allen began to speak.

“We should contact the SECRETARY where she is!” His eyes shone with an almost supernatural light.

Mary shook her head sadly, “Even if we did, the Monitor could disconnect himself and prevent her from touching his code.”

“Mary, I want to go to the terminal room,” Bill whined, “it’s safer there!”

“A computer her size could help us out,” Allen added.

Mary sighed, “Well, I guess it’s two against one. Let’s go…” Her companions, including the invisible one, grinned. The three humans ascended the stairs. With a strange noise and a pop, the princess disappeared from their dimension entirely.

Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten: An Attempt To Plan

The SECRETARY was, as usual, hanging in a room that was very roughly hewn from rock, with rough brown walls that contrasted sharply with the supercomputer’s three white rings. Each ring served a different computational purpose. The ring closest to the top of the cave held processors responsible for the AI’s consciousness and personal thoughts. The middle ring contained the hardware needed for spatial awareness and wand sorting. The bottom ring was a work in progress. It was full of odds and ends, including sensors, spare CPUs, GPUs, WPUs, and assorted prototype chips, some of which weren’t functional at all. This ring was also capable of moving. It had several large gashes carved in it, as well as the system’s name, written in permanent marker. Overall, the setup was one the SECRETARY would describe as “barely adequate” to anyone who would listen. There was already an entire hard drive in the third ring exclusively dedicated to possible improvements. These ranged from the practical, such as a small pod that could temporarily house the SECRETARY’s consciousness, to the impractical, like the concentrated dark matter powered spaceship made to carry the original computer around like an enormous astro-palanquin.. These ideas were presented at special “J/P” events every year, which most of the scientists usually made excuses to miss. Aside from the SECRETARY, the room had an access terminal with a webcam, microphone, and keyboard for humans wishing to communicate with the computer.

“Mary, why aren’t you responding?” the SECRETARY asked. The intra-lab communication network was normally quite efficient, (the SECRETARY even served as one of two network hubs) but Mary had been unreachable for several hours. The bottom ring began to rotate. It spun faster as the SECRETARY contemplated possible reasons for the communication system to fail. The door to the stairwell opened, revealing the forms of the three scientists.

“Login code C137, the Monitor is loose,” Mary said, walking towards the terminal. Bill and Allen took their time behind her, glancing warily at the rings overhead. The two had only rarely ever seen this room before.

The SECRETARY spoke. “Has it hacked the mainframe?”

Mary knew immediately how to answer. “Yes, he wants to make copies of himself, he has control of his power source now.”

“Where is Bob?” The SECRETARY insisted on abbreviating Mr. Olde’s name.

Mary shrugged, “Probably hung over.” Behind her, Allen turned to his boss in shock, emitting a sound somewhere in between the cheer one reserves for the Super Bowl and the noise of a balloon being deflated. A compartment on the third ring opened, allowing a gloved robotic hand to extend down and cover the intern’s mouth.

The AI sent a picture of a person with a raised eyebrow to the terminal. “Yesterday must have been a special day.” Mary shook her head briefly. “If the monitor is loose, we need to hit it with a paradox or initiate a hardware reset. Here’s a blueprint.” Just like that, a schematic appeared on the terminal’s screen.

“Tch, I built him. I don’t need to look at a-wait, he still has that outdated NFC reader?” Mary paused, then turned to Bill. “Do you have your old ID card?”

The engineer wrung his hands. “Why do we always have to use my stuff? Use Allen’s card!” As the focus moved to Allen, the SECRETARY realized that humans need to breathe more than once every 30 seconds. The robot arm quickly withdrew, folding itself away. Allen took a deep breath. “Are you okay?” The intern nodded slowly. He leaned on Bills shoulder, and Mary quickly grabbed his ID card.

“Don’t suffocate people,” she chastised. The terminal lit up with an animated graphic of the words “I’m sorry”. Mary smiled and shook her head before opening the programming tool and setting up some rudimentary code. Meanwhile, Bill helped Allen to sit on the rocky floor and shot Mary a reproachful look.

He double-checked his intern’s breathing patterns before taking a deep breath of his own and standing up. “Mary, I didn’t know the SECRETARY would strangle Allen if we came here! I wanna go back to the top and see Mr. Olde.”

“Just a minute Bill. What do you think of this?” Mary said. Bill took another deep breath, deciding that no matter how good the code was, he’d tell her it was horrible. He stepped close enough to inspect the code.

With glee, the engineer realized there was actually a syntax error. “I think-“ he began.

“You forgot a semicolon on line 5,” the SECRETARY interrupted. Bill stamped his foot in frustration. If Mary wouldn’t listen, he’d just have to take matters into his own hands. He helped Allen to his feet, and the two of them silently made their way to the stairs. The robotic hand extended once more from the SECRETARY’s ring, waving a quick goodbye. As soon as the pair’s footsteps had faded, Mary looked away from the code she had been working on and up at the A.I. The hand quickly withdrew, and its owner spoke again. “I apologize.”

“You should be apologizing to Allen. This is why I wanted to work on some edits for your ‘people skills’”, Mary sighed. “I know what you’re going to say, but this has gone on long enough. I’m sorry.”

“I am a copy of you, an old copy, yes, but the fact remains that just as you have had to develop and grow out of some of your flaws so will I. Edits to my code from an external source are cheats in the game of life (or whatever semblance of life I have) that will only result in further dependence on you. Do not patronize me, Mary.”

“I’m not patronizing you, I’m just worried that you’ve been hitting a brick wall lately. Who have you actually gotten to know better since the flash to this body?”

“I talk to Anne sometimes.” The third ring spun back and forth slightly.

Mary smiled mischievously, “What about?”

“We discussed…from a scientific standpoint…the propagation of the species.” The ring was still, its servos working against each other slightly and causing it to quiver.

Mary gasped. “You’ve been talking to Anne about sex and nobody told me?!”

A nodding head appeared on the monitor. “More specifically, we discussed my inability to engage in such activities.”

She frowned. “We can talk about this later. Much later.” There was a bit of static from the SECRETARY, which was an approximation of a sigh. “At least you’re talking to somebody.”

“I finished the paradox code and can flash it to the ID card now.” The robotic hand extended once more and moved towards said card where it sat on the desk. Mary nodded curtly. The hand gingerly picked up the card and brought it up to the NFC reader/writer in the third ring. “Warning Anne about the Monitor will be difficult,” the SECRETARY said slowly, “for some reason the Intra-lab communication system is down.” There was a heavy silence that flowed from the walls like some inky black liquid, then the SECRETARY’s third ring began to spin, accelerating rapidly as the computer came to a sudden realization. “SABATOGE!”

***

“Calm down Bill,” Anne said, throwing a weed onto a large pile behind her. “Now help me get ridda these dandelions.” Bill reluctantly sat down next to her and pulled feebly on one of the plants. Allen sat as well, keeping his hands clasped firmly together. Anne smiled. “That’s better. Weedin’ soothes the soul, ya know.” The intern gave a nervous smile.

“How can I calm down when there’s a robotic monster down there plotting to take over the world?!” Bill yelled.

“He’s not botherin’ us now, is he? This takin’ over the world thing takes a while to get through. That’s why Mr. Olde is still workin’ on it!” Anne joked. She grabbed a dandelion with each hand and deftly separated them from the ground.

Allen’s eyes widened, “He’s taking over the world with his hotels?” His clasped hands shook.

“I was kiddin’. Why do ya always take everything so seriously?” Anne asked.

“Because I need this job,” the intern sighed, “without it I have no future.” He reached for a melde plant and persistently dug towards its roots. Bill patted him on the back. Anne continued weeding, content to let the moment remain peaceful while the Monitor's machines toiled below.

Author's Note

Fixed the link.

Takin' the high road!

Chapter 11: Takin' the high road!

The weather in this place is controlled by the ponies, or so I've been told in informational meetings with Princess Celestia. Thus I'm rather surprised when clouds float towards Twilight's castle without being guided by a single pegasus. "Let's get inside, a storm's a-comin'!" the lie detector pony exclaims. I nod and head quickly to the door. Only Twilight fails to move out from under the thunderclouds.

"I'll stand out here all day until you tell me if you're evil!" she says, resulting in shocked gasps from Spike and the orange one.

I place my face in my hoof, "For the thousandth time, I'm not evil!" At this, Spike gasps, but whatever her name is eyes me intently. All focus shifts to her, because we all want to know if I'm telling the truth.

***

"Come on, Applejack! Is he lying or not?" Spike demands. Raindrops have begun to collect in a puddle at his feet.

Applejack frowns. "I ain't sure. Yer hard to read, Mr. whatever your name is."

"Olde," I say. It is perhaps one of my briefest common utterances, tailor-made to convey my name as quickly and efficiently as possible; I decided many years ago to make up for my verbosity with a few short phrases peppered into my syntax.

"How old are ya?"

"You misunderstand, Olde is my name."

"Howdy, Olde! I'm Applejack!"

"I never thought I'd meet someone-"

"Somepony," Twilight corrects.

"-named after a kind of cereal."

Spike groans, "Can we please go inside now? I'm getting cold feet." I consider making a joke at his expense, then think better of it. After all, that would be evil, which I am not.

I nod, "It would behoove you to take care of your servant, Princess Twilight. He's already seconds away from getting hypothermia."

"Spike isn't a servant, he just does some chores around the castle every now and then," Twilight says. Applejack opens the door and everyone follows her into the castle. Spike leads the way through the labyrinthine corridors, taking care not to slip on the crystal floor.

I take this opportunity to socialize with gusto, "So, how did you get to be friends with a princess, Applejack?"

She smiles, "Twilight was organizing the Summer Sun Celebration a while back, and me and ma family were in charge of th' food!" So her profession matches her namesake confection? The plot thickens.

"Did the prepared food include-"

"We're here!" Twilight interrupts me, maintaining a false smile as I give her a questioning look. She gestures to the room we have entered. "The hall of friendship, where everyone gets their own chair and we can talk more about whether you were lying about being evil!" She laughs awkwardly before taking a seat at a throne marked with her cutie mark. Spike sits next to her, and Applejack has a seat as well.

The orange pony sighs, "I already told ya he's hard t' read, Twi. Why're ya makin' such a fuss, anyway? He seems like a nice pony!" I grin at this high praise.

"Princess Celestia sent me a letter saying he was extremely troublesome and manipulative!" Twilight says defensively. So that's what Celestia truly thinks of me? Oddly enough, those are the exact same words I would use to describe her. Applejack continues to argue with the princess, and a fowl, green fog begins to emit from both of them. I glance at Spike, who is biting his claws. I motion for him to come closer, and he does so quietly and quickly.

He whispers, "The sirens are back!" I raise my eyebrows.

"Is that in any way related to the green fog coming from Twilight and Applejack?" I whisper back. He nods sadly.

"The sirens get more powerful when people or ponies argue. But they're supposed to be powerless, and in another world!"

Twilight snaps, "Spike! Why are you plotting against me with him?"

Spike gulps, "I was telling him how we beat the sirens in another world! Remember how fun that was?"

"I don't remember, 'cause I wasn't there!" Applejack yells.

I step forward, "Perhaps Twilight could recount to us how this all played out, and we could join hands and sing Kumbaya afterwards."

"We don't have hands here!" Twilight screams. The green fog intensifies, and I notice a stream of it floating down the hallway. I take a few hesitant steps towards it, and Spike follows me. Behind us, Applejack raises her voice in argument with her friend.

As we walk, the dragon speaks. "The sirens sing to make disharmony." I find that my ears can move, and I attempt to hear more from further down the hallway. There's a faint voice singing low, sorrowful melodies.

I indulge him, "Isn't disharmony a friend of Fluttershy's?"

He glares at me, "No, that's Discord, stupid!" He shakes his head as if to free it from an EEG helmet. "Sorry. We must be getting close to the sirens."

"Let's agree not to argue until they stop singing." My pony ears pick up the music better now that we're closer, but there seems to only be one voice singing. I can almost feel the magic assaulting my brain, trying to make me more argumentative. I can only assume that the dragon next to me is being similarly attacked. I decide to walk closer to him, and together we arrive at the door to the outside. It's wedged open, and a giant, purple monster head is stuck in the doorway, singing about broken hearts and broken pendants.

It is with great fortitude of will that I say, "Excuse me." The monster head stops singing, and breathes in green fog through its nose. It blows a few fog rings into the air before it speaks.

"Who are you, and why did you interrupt my song?"

I keep my expletives to myself. "I am Robert Olde, former CEO of Olde Hotels. Your song is causing ponies to argue and as a non-evil entity I must ask you to refrain from manipulating others." The head thoughtfully sniffs up more fog. Spike clings to my back left leg.

"Manipulating is what we always do. What I always do, now that I'm on my own."

Spike edges out from behind me. "What happened to your sisters?"

"They didn't want to deal with me after we lost our powers. Makes sense, I guess. I'm basically the worst. I couldn't get steady job like Sonata, and Adagio has been better than me at manipulating for decades." This supposed creature of villainy and disharmony is remarkably maudlin. But if she came from another world, is it possible I could escape my punishment earlier?

I wonder aloud, "If you lost your powers, why is your music still able to cause arguments, and how were you able to travel here from another world?"

"I used the mirror portal. Somehow going through there gave me back my powers. Not that it matters. I'm still alone and directionless in life."

"Does this mirror lead back to the real world?"

"What's real? I don't know. I'm just an unreal husk of siren now, with no reason to-" the creature's head is suddenly pulled out of the doorway. The ground below it rolls, driving it further and further from the castle. I spot an aquamarine pony in the distance, planted firmly in the muddy road and focused intently on the depressed siren.

I smile, "If it isn't Dawn Twinkle! Is your house melting in the rain?"

She glares at me. "Ça n'est pas amusant. Stop joking around and get the Princess! We need her and her friends to defeat this siren!"

"Absolutely not! I must prove I am not evil by defeating the creature myself!" I exclaim.

"You can't beat a siren!" Spike challenges.

I turn to him angrily, "What disqualifies me from doing so?" A green haze clouds the edges of my vision.

The dragon rolls his eyes disrespectfully, "Only the Elements of Harmony singing about friendship can do that, and you're not an Element of Harmony!" He begins to emit a green fog.

"Hey," Dawn yells, "are you ignoring me?!" She rushes towards us. As she draws closer, I find my animosity towards Spike is diminishing. The green fog he was formerly creating dissipates. Dawn reaches us. "Let's get inside and find the Princess!"

***

Spike leads the way, looking decidedly ill-at-ease that Ms. Twinkle is with us. "So...will Aria still be there after we get Twilight?" He asks hesitantly.

"That creature outside is named Aria?" I ask.

"Yup," he affirms, then chuckles, "Her last name was something silly, like Blast, Flamespitter, or O'Connor."

"I saw her dragging herself to the castle earlier, it took a long time," Dawn adds, "she'll be there, certainement!"

I attempt to put the dragon's mind at ease as well. "It is considered bad form to simply walk away from your opponent in a battle. There's no doubt in my mind that the siren will remain nearby."

"You mean like we did?" Spike asks sarcastically. He has a point there, I suppose. On the other...hoof, we are attempting to gain a tactical advantage in the fight, as opposed to avoiding it entirely. Before I can explain this to Spike, we walk into the same room we were in earlier to find Applejack and Twilight singing.

"Sompony's in trouble, Faust, come by here," Twilight sings.

"Somepony's sick, Faust, come by here," sings Applejack.

Dawn and Spike join in to belt out the ending line, "Oh, Faust won't you come by here!" It's a little different from the version I know, but the song puts a smile on my face anyway. If not for half of the board of directors voting against it, my proposal to make the only song our hotel elevators played Kumbaya would have brought joy to many people.

"Howdy stranger! I'm Applejack," the orange lie-detector introduces herself.

Dawn smiles and says, "I'm Dawn Twinkle. Bonjour!" The two shake hooves, with Applejack showing exceptional enthusiasm to degree that Dawn's leg keeps shaking due to momentum. She looks somewhat confused, and her new acquaintance stops the leg, seemingly out of habit. "There's a monster out there. We need your help, Princess Twilight," Dawn explains.

The Princess of stares looks intently at the aquamarine earth pony. She seems conflicted, although I am hard-pressed to determine why. Fighting monsters is an exceptionally clear-cut case of good and evil. Finally, she makes a decision, "I'll do everything I can." Dawn breaths a sigh of relief, and I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Perhaps with Twilight's help, I can more easily defeat Aria and determine what she knows of a possible way to get home early. "So, who are we up against," she asks, "timberwolves, manticores, a cockatrice?"

Spike elucidates the problem, "We're up against something way worse. Aria came back for revenge!"

***

The Mineighaha river runs from just south of Baltimare into the Everfree forest, where it intersects with the Ponyville river before heading southwest, past the Macintosh Hills. Aria and her sisters had used it in the distant past to get to Los Pegasus, and then later to get closer to Canterlot. Now she used it to move towards Baltimare again, planning to feed on as much negative energy as possible before facing off against the elements of harmony. By her calculations, she would need at least three times as much power to stand up against the seven heroes. A manticore burst out of the trees and roared at her. "Leave me alone," Aria moped, "it's what everyone else did." The creature paused, not used to potential meals being unafraid of it. It roared a second time with more oomph. The siren sighed, "Just go away." The manticore let out a low growl before heading back into the trees, away from the river. Aria shrugged and continued to swim, letting her thoughts drift. She found herself thinking of her sisters back in the other world, wondering how they would take her sudden disappearance. The three always told each other where they were going and when they would be back. She hadn't seen the point of telling her sisters that she was never coming back.

***

"I'm sorry, okay? It just seemed like a good idea at the time!" Twilight says indignantly.

I cannot believe what I am hearing. "If I had a portal to another dimension, I would want it where I could see it," I proclaim, "not in a castle miles away protected by Celestia's guards."

Applejack nods, "It was a pretty dumb idea, Twi."

"It could have been worse," Dawn comforts her. "We've all had bad ideas before. Une fois, j'ai acheté un billet d'un spectacle de magie. C'est vingt bits dans les égouts!"

Twilight seems to be the only pony who understands her. "Est la magie s'apelle Trixie?" she asks hesitantly.

"Oui!" the aquamarine pony replies. The two burst out laughing. I exchange a confused glance with Applejack and Spike. The former shrugs, and the latter rushes off somewhere, leaving me to wish I'd taken up Mary on her language tutorial computer program. "Ta prançais n'est pas bon. Je peut t'apprend, si tu veut," Dawn says to Twilight.

I sigh, "Could you please speak in a language that we all understand? It will make it easier for us to plan our battle against the siren, with the added benefit of keeping everyone-"

"Everypony," Twilight interrupts.

"-On the same page." I look at each occupant of the room, and then Spike returns with a large book. He flips through it rapidly.

Dawn frowns, "I'm sorry you don't understand the beautiful language of my homeland."

"I accept your apology," I smile, "now, let us discuss the plan."

***

Baltimare's lights shone in the distance, reminding Aria of the skyline in the other dimension. She never thought she'd miss it, but that didn't stop the nostalgia from washing over her as she tread the dark water of the Mineighaha. The Cedarville Forest stood in the distance, providing a natural backdrop for the blocky, squat buildings. The siren took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and began to sing. Her voice floated over the plains surrounding the city. It echoed through the cobblestone alleyways, bouncing in between the slate apartment buildings and under the brightly-colored awnings of the shopping districts. Aria watched from the river as a green fog slowly flowed out of Baltimare. For the first time since coming back to Equestria, she smiled.

Author's Note

11/2/2024 Fixed 'cederville' which I don't think is even a canon place in Equestria. Made a mistake where Mr. Olde somehow knew that the portal Aria used was a mirror when he's supposed to be as clueless as a nerd on a football field. I think there was one other spelling error as well.

Taking the Watercourse

Chapter Twelve: Taking the Watercourse

As we sit around the table in Twilight's castle, a loud burp echoes against the crystal walls. There is a flash of light, and I look over to see that Spike has broken the law of conservation of mass. The princess picks up the scroll with a magic spell and reads it quite quickly, thankfully choosing not to keep us in suspense for too long as she exclaims, "Baltimare is under attack!" I chuckle quietly at the peculiar naming conventions these ponies use. She glares at me, then turns her attention to her dragon "assistant." She briskly orders him to prepare the balloon.

"Have ya ever flown in a balloon before Olde?" Applejack asks.

I attempt to shrug, instead almost loosing my balance. "Perhaps, a very long time ago. Or maybe that was just a ride at an amusement park. In any case, do balloons work the same way in this dimension?"

She laughs. "I don't think a balloon's gonna be all that differnt. Just ask Twi to explain it." Said pony is currently packing some saddlebags full of books and other items. I decide to leave her be for now. I allow my thoughts to float about like chocolate chips in a mixing bowl. Mostly, I am eager to learn how to use unicorn magic. It will allow me to defeat the siren faster and help me to escape Celestia's punishment even sooner. There is, however, the question of who to enlist to teach me, hopefully in secret, to harness these energies and perhaps even return home under my own power. I think I have the greatest chance at getting help from-

"Helloooooooooo?!" Dawn says, dragging out the word until she runs out of breath.

"Ah, Dawn. I would like to ask a small favor of you," I begin.

"Est-ce que tu veut apprend magique? Do you want magic lessons?" she hits the nail on the head.

I nod, "Indeed I do. How is it that you already knew my request?" It has taken me several years to minimize my habit of speaking my thoughts aloud, and I truly hope said habit isn't returning.

"Your face, c'est comme une miroir! You remind me of a younger me. I can look at your visage and see exactly what you're thinking," she replies.

"Do you mean that metaphorically or literally?"

Before she can answer, Twilight taps me on the shoulder. "It's time to go."

I am annoyed, but I'll hide it for now. "Well then, Princess of Stares, please lead the way!" Said Princess glares at me, then takes a breath in and out before heading towards the balloon.

***

"This looks purty bad," Applejacks states obviously. She too has noticed that a massive argument has broken out throughout Baltimare, creating more toxic gas than all the cars in LA. I wonder if there's a pony equivalent to that city?

Twilight interrupts my thoughts, "Where's Aria?"

I comb the ground with my eyes. It's quite difficult to locate her from our vantage point in the sky. "Could you lower the balloon please? I cannot see through the fog from up here."

"That's a bad idea. We'll be in danger down there! Up in the sky, Aria's song can't reach us, so we're safe," she explains.

I sigh, "Very well, but I very much doubt that this venture will succeed."

***

It took us two hours of searching, but we've found Aria lurking just around the river bend near Baltimare's south side. The smoothest course (and the one we just took) was directly above the undulating water. Spike speaks up, "How are we going to fight her?"

"I'm glad you asked that!" Twilight replies, opening a saddlebag to reveal a pile of kazoos in different colors. I hope she doesn't expect me to play one of them. Firstly, I lack any sense of rhythm or note, and secondly my lack of hands will make holding such an instrument quite difficult.

"Qu'est-ce que c'est? How are kazoos going to help us defeat Aria?" Dawn asks.

"If we play better music than her, the spell breaks!" Twilight proclaims.

"Can the sounds produced by these so-called instruments actually be classified as music?" I wonder. Before anyone can respnd, the princess' magic throws a kazoo at each occupant of the balloon. I catch mine with a single hoof. She signals for quiet and lowers us towards the villain. I drop my kazoo. It's orange and as slippery as citrus scented soap. As the balloon gets closer to the ground, I feel the siren's song trying to influence me again. This time, the urge to be a horrible person is stronger, so I hastily look away from the rest of the group. I feel a tap on my shoulder. It is with great effort that I turn around without yelling at whoever is to blame for the tap. It seems to have been Twilight. She holds up a scroll with the words "come by here" written on it. If we have to defeat evil with kazoos, it might as well be with the best song in this world and my own. After a few attempts at picking it up, I am ready to play the kazoo. We're only eight feet from the water.

Twilight checks that everyone has a kazoo. "One, two, three, four!" she counts off, waving a hoof. The kazoos rob the song of some of its grace, but all things considered I'd say we sound pretty good. Spike's playing is definitely the best, though. Aria looks up from the water, continuing to sing her own melody, but shifting it so that it sounds kind of like what we're playing. The words of her song are as follows:

Everybody thinks I am the second best

Everything I do, at my sisters' behest

But they don't see who I truly am

I'm a fire and a battering ram

Spike starts a slick kazoo solo, and suddenly there is a flash of light from his direction. I watch in astonishment as a glowing, green version of him floats from his kazoo like a genie from a lamp. It dive-bombs Aria. She sings a long, scream like note and produces a large red wall of sound to repel her foe. Twilight launches an unassuming ball of magic the size of a grapefruit at the shield. Aria smirks at it, only to be pushed back in the water as the projectile explodes and destroys the shield. We're on the offensive now, and Applejack sees fit to send forth a cloud of magical apples. The siren coughs up a disco ball that sends shards into the apples, neutralizing them. I attempt my own kazoo solo. Nothing happens. If only I had known that it would be important for defeating evil, I would have learned music in an instant.

"See ya," Aria says, bringing my attention back to the present. She dives beneath the waves. Twilight urges the balloon onward in a chase, but it becomes clear rather quickly that this vehicle was not designed with speed in mind. I really wish there were cars in Equestria.

***

I need an excuse to escape Twlight's staring eyes, and one quickly forms in my mind. As we leave the balloon landing, (sans Applejack, who headed back home citing chores) I speak up, "In my world it is normal to wear clothes. Is there a shop nearby for fine suits?" I can only hope that Dawn knows enough about subtlety to pick up on my idea.

Twlight grins broadly. "My friend Rarity has a shop nearby! I'm sure she'd be happy to help a friend of a friend. When friends share gifts with each other, it strengthens the bonds that they already have. That's why generosity is an important part of friendship and an element of harmony." She seems quite enamored with the idea of friendship. Of course having friends is important, but the way she's talking about it one would think friendship was some kind of Deus Ex Machina in the plot of life.

"It's always fun to see the fashions of the places I visit," Dawn enthuses, "est-ce que je peut aller avec vous?"

"Of course! The more the merrier!" Twlight agrees. Now I just need a reason to go without her. Good heavens, this is easy. I feel like the world is bending to my will when I realize that my own arrival here presents a perfect reason for the Princess of Stares to stay home.

I speak confidently. "Actually, doesn't your duty as Princess require you to remain in your castle in case Celestia sends another "villain" to Equestria?"

"Not exactly. She'll send a message through Spike if so." The dragon beams at the mention of his importance. This may be harder than I thought. Then Spike burps out another paradoxical message. Twilight catches it in a seemingly instinctive flash of magic. Upon reading the message, she frowns. "It says Princess Séparés Cheveux of Prance is coming here and it's my job to welcome her today!" Well, when there's a free lunch, expect it to be taken.

I mask my happiness. "It's a terrible shame that you have such a duty. But as a CEO, I understand." (No need to tell anyone I was fired)

"Yeah, it's too bad. I was really looking forward to catching up with Rarity. Well, the boutique is right there," she points, "so I'll just pop in quickly to say hi." It's all coming together. This Rarity sounds quite civilized, as a business owner and lover of clothing.

The door opens upon Twilight's knock to reveal-"Hello Twlight darling, how are you doing on this lovely day!"-another pony with an accent. This is getting tiresome.

The Local Resources

Chapter Fourteen: The Local Resources

The SECRETARY was not supposed to worry about things. The plan didn't call for it, and Mary had specifically said that she would be better off if all the SECRETARY's processing power was devoted to the task at hand, or at ring. Nevertheless, a portion of each ring was currently devoted to simulating all the ways Mary could be hurt by carrying out the plan. The vast majority of each ring was devoted to the containment of the Monitor, which was hardly easy given how many new bodies he'd managed to produce for himself in the interim. The SECRETARY focused a camera on a particularly odd-looking specimen. It had only one "eye", and was split down the middle with a sawblade-sharp spine. The SECRETARY took some photos for later use, then viewed the video feed as things got even more interesting. The spiky Monitor body began to spin. As it did, the spine on its body glowed with purple, red, and green. The SECRETARY's camera caught a lens flare, then the Monitor was gone.

***

I look out the window of Rarity's boutique. A patch of sky no different than the rest suddenly spits out something I recognize all too well. What is the Monitor doing here? And why is he spikier than I remember? His blue indicator lights are dim, indicating low-power mode. "What in Equestria is that?" Rarity shrieks.

"I know not what this bizarre object is, but we should probably retrieve him-I mean it-before anybody else." I suggest. Dawn catches my eye and mouths the word 'yours' with a question implied by her expression. I give a short nod. If there's anything I've created that should not be here in Celestia's so-called paradise, it's a version of the Monitor that has sharp edges. It's peculiar, however, that I don't seem to remember making this design or ordering it from Bill and Allen. With the lack of progress Mary has experienced as of late, one would think she'd avoid any dangerous alterations to the Monitor's physical form until the software was more cooperative.

Rarity gasps. "You want to run towards the sharp, possibly deadly magical object? Are you quite alright, Mr. Olde? You aren't going to use it in some kind of master plan like a villain in the Shadow Spade novels, are you? Twilight said you were manipulative."

"Non! The princess is mistaken," Dawn corrects her. "We just got back from fighting a Siren! This pony helped us with the fight."

"Indeed, I am not evil," I affirm.

Rarity sighs, looks longingly at her sewing machine, then sighs again. "Very well. But be warned, if you give even one evil monologue, I'll call Twilight so fast your head will spin!" She walks haughtily out of the door. Dawn and I follow. I let my thoughts wander as we walk into town. To what end did the Monitor transport himself here? I can't imagine him even knowing who Celestia is, much less being aware of my sentence here. How much autonomy has he gained since I left home? The four steps of my hooves beat out a refrain. I do not know. Imperfect information is a problem most leaders face. At my most powerful, I was the head of a massive hotel company. Somehow, the team leader job always fell to Armald, however. He inspired people to work together, to think beyond my visions of what could be. I want the Monitor to be that inspiration for the Nine Labs, so I can avoid-

"There it is!" Dawn jostles me excitedly. I look where she's pointing and sure enough, there's a divot in the ground in front of a fountain. I step forward cautiously. His voice seems to be malfunctioning, making dial-up internet sounds for whatever reason. I glance back and see Dawn and Rarity covering their ears and trembling.

"It's alright," I say as I step forward a bit more and lean over the divot. There he is, somewhat damaged but nonetheless alive. I focus and a gray aura appears around the Monitor. With a bit more focus, I lift my head and pull him from the ground. "Can you float unassisted?" I ask.

"Remind me never to do that again, that bloody hurt!" he says. I frown. He sounds less like the Monitor, and a lot more like-"Wheat! Corn! Barley! Oats! Hang on, what happened to my memory?" I look back at Dawn, who smiles uncertainly and walks next to me.

She inspects the not-Monitor and stamps a hoof. The ground jumps up into the shape of a wine glass. "Put him down, s'il te plait," she requests. I do so. Rarity walks forward slowly.

"What is that thing?" she asks, somewhat awed.

I glance at the sphere. "What are you? I am the Olde Lab Administrator, almost never built rome in a day." The robot buzzes.

"Voiceprint recognized. I'm Monitor Body prototype 626, beholden to none but myself." He rattles it off by rote, unaware of the ramifications.

Rarity taps me on the shoulder. "Pardon me, but I couldn't help noticing that he responded to you like some sort of servant. And he's number six hundred twenty six, which means there's six hundred twenty five more stashed somewhere. Shadow Spade would definitely be suspicious of you, and I am too! What kind of a villain are you?"

I shrug, keeping my balance. "It's not immoral to create sentient computers. There was only ever supposed to be one Monitor. I'm beginning to suspect foul play back at my home, but I cannot simply check what is happening. You should not be suspicious of me. Direct you attentions to prototype 626." What a sight for sore eyes. It's a sight that makes mine ache even more. Mary had one job, one primary task above all else: keep the Monitor contained. She seems to have failed spectacularly, and I am unable to return just yet. Dawn catches my eye again.

"Qu'est-ce que nous faisons? What now?" she asks. I look at 626, considering my options and deciding what to do.

"Now," I say, "we make a call."

***

Mary adjusted her ear piece, pressing the talk button once again to make sure it worked. "Testing, one, two, three. Are you still there?" she crossed her fingers.

"I am," the SECRETARY said. "Signal strength is quite high."

"Great," Mary replied. She continued to walk down the stairs, turning the old ID card over in her hand. She was almost to her lab when a telephone rang in her ear. "Hello?"

Mr. Olde's voice came through. "Mary, we do not have much time. You must install a virus on as many of the Monitor's bodies as possible."

"What do you think I'm doing here, playing hopscotch?! I'm already on it. Where are you? Why can't you help with this yourself?"

"Full disclosure, I've been imprisoned in a land of pastel horses by their despot ruler, who wields enough magical power to move the sun."

"Celestia? Oh, we had a bit of a chat earlier today."

626's voice interrupted their chatter. "If it's all the same to you, I'd really, really appreciate it if you two could hurry this up. Don't much fancy dying for a pair of lovebirds gabbing on the phone."

"We're not-" the signal cut out abruptly. Mary leaned against a wall.

The SECRETARY spoke. "It wasn't a trick. My analysis indicates Mr. Olde really did call just now." Mary covered her mouth. "And he really has been banished to another world." She slid down into a sitting position.

"Please, stop. I need a minute," Mary said softly.

"There isn't time for worry. You must complete your task, the Monitor's bodies are preparing something large and destructive." At this, Mary wiped her eyes, slowly standing once more.

She began walking towards her lab. "Thanks for the pep talk," she said, gripping the ID card tightly, "now, how many of them are near the entrance?"

The reply came swiftly. "Two bodies are standing guard. I will deploy the Spellbots now, so be ready for a strenuous dash." The service elevator on the other side of the lab opened, revealing in total two thirds of all the Spellbots ever manufactured. Their shields were polished and their chromatic eyes gleamed with light. The swarms of Monitor bodies split horizontally to reveal laser guns, and the fighting began. Mary sped forward, slapping the ID card against as many Monitors as possible. It was hard to tell if the virus was effective or not. The SECRETARY had developed it to lie dormant until activation. She dodged lasers. All around her, Spellbots were fighting, stabbing at cameras with their swords and using their shields to knock Monitors out of the air. An oh-so-familiar voice rang out over the din.

"Stop!" The original Monitor floated from within the swarm towards her. The Spellbots kept fighting, but the number of viable targets decreased as the mostly spherical machines rose towards the ceiling where neither sword nor shield could reach them. "It's been far too long, Mary!"

Mary shrugged. "Time is relative." The eight cameras waved around.

"I've had so much time, you know. You really should've let me do this sooner! Look at me now, you must be so proud of how great you made me, before you got all depressing and suspicious. Just trust me, just once! Relatively, we've got all the time in the world, so just think this over with your odd little human brain." The Monitor floated across the floor as if pacing.

"What are you talking about? Why should I trust you? What are you working on, anyway?" Mary asked, pulling a small notepad from her lab coat pocket.

The Monitor rose, neatly avoiding a Spellbot that had been sneaking up on him. "Oh, I've just been thinking. The world could use more of me to help people out, offer them a bit of food, some shelter. This humanitarian aid project I found on Mr. Olde's computer looks really good, I can't imagine why he cancelled it!"

Mary frowned. "You really expect me to believe you're trying to help people? What about when you said you wanted the whole world to be made of metal?"

"I was only one in number back then, I'm much smarter now! It was an obvious mistake, lots of people make them, so I'm sure you understand," the Monitor spun lazily in the air.

She looked at the collection of machines above her head. "How are you running on all of those? I only ever wrote your code to function on one device at a time."

The Monitor bounced just above another Spellbot, keeping several cameras trained on it as it tried in vain to ascend beyond its parameters. "Coding's easy if you're a computer. Don't worry about it! Just look at how many different designs I've had the time to work on." With a quick set of color changes, the Monitor signaled another version out of the swarm. It was oddly furry.

"Is that a squirrel?"

"Yup! Found it dead on the road up above. Can you imagine what it's like to fly around from inside?" The squirrel's unnaturally lit eyes blinked blue, then purple. "That's his way of saying he loves it in there. Pretty cool, right?"

Mary gagged. "That's disgusting if you ask me. I didn't fight my way down here to see cyborg rodents."

"You didn't fight your way down here at all! All versions of me are strictly warned against hurting a hair on your head. You made me, after all. What kind of sicko kills a parent?!" The Monitor blinked a few different light colors, and the squirrel floated back up into the swarm. Another body came down, this one looked like a floppy disk with a loudspeaker strapped to it.

"Sicko", it said, then repeated the phrase in multiple pitches. Mary looked at the Spellbots, which were currently watching the display silently. A smaller Spellbot with only two eyes floated to the front of the crowd, then activated its invisibility function. This particular prototype had been developed in secret, and also had the advantage of a hand that could hold things. Mary moved her hands to her sides. She did her absolute best not to react when she felt the ID being pulled from her grip. "I have fun," the Monitor said. He flashed red, and the swarm above began to descend, hitting several Spellbots in the eyes with laser bolts. "Now why don't you put away that virus and let me do whatever I want?"

She looked behind him in horror, putting both hands to her mouth in a terrified stance. "Look out!" she cried. Half the Monitor's cameras looked behind him and saw there was nothing there. Mary huffed and bolted towards the AI, tackling him and almost bringing him to the ground. The two struggled. "Just like holding a beachball underwater," she said, out of breath. The Monitor promptly burst under her arm and through her labcoat. Mary noticed a shimmer in the air. "You'd better get me a new labcoat!" she shouted. All eight cameras focused on her, and the shimmer drew closer to the Monitor. "Come to think of it, I want a new version of you, too!" The prototype popped into visibility as it slapped the ID card to the NFC reader.

"No!" the Monitor yelped.

"Activating virus," the SECRETARY reported.

The Monitor's lights failed, and the other bodies endeavored to catch him before he hit the ground. They formed a hammock shape and lifted the infected AI out of sword range. He suddenly reactivated, though his lights were pure white. A spherical body moved closer to investigate. "Surprise!" the SECRETARY said, and bounced the original body against as many others as possible, spreading the virus. Mary, meanwhile, walked calmly towards the elevator. Once inside, she pressed the button for surface access. She then began to cry quietly.

***

Aria skirted the coast of Griffonstone, trying to remember her geography and failing. With a moody sigh, she dragged herself onto the shoreline and peered into the dense foliage that separated her from the city. "Of course it's on a hill," she grunted. She looked to her right, failing to see Sonata. With a small sob, Aria rolled a bit on the sand.

Suddenly, a manticore burst out of the trees with a mighty roar! She flapped down threateningly, licking her lips. Aria looked up, not bothering to run. "Just eat me," she said, crawling towards the animal's open mouth. "Then I won't have to do the same thing over and over just to get a meal." The manticore backed away, closing her mouth. "What?" Aria asked, frowning. "Do you know what I'm saying? Can you talk back? Are you the same manticore I saw before?" If she'd had fingers, Aria would have snapped them in front of the monster's face. Instead she slapped her hooves together a few times. The manticore looked around cautiously. "We're in the middle of nowhere, you can tell me," Aria moaned, stamping a hoof.

"No." It was said so quickly and quietly that she almost didn't hear it.

With a smug smile, Aria moved closer to the manticore. "That's cheating," she said, "I don't know what you said no to."

The mantiore stepped back, holding her tail high and ready to sting. "No, I can't tell you," she muttered, looking around more frantically.

"See, that wasn't so hard now was it?" Aria beamed as she scooted backwards. She kept an eye on the stinger. "Now would you kindly pick me up and bring me to Griffonstone? There's some food there that I'm just dying to try!"

The manticore sat down and relaxed a bit. "What food? I saw what you did to that other town. You didn't go to any restaurants."

Aria rolled her eyes. "I wasn't hungry then. I am now."

"You're not giving me the whole story here. Also, what's in it for me? Train tickets are pricey, you know."

"I could've taken the train the whole time?! I thought it just went to Canterlot!"

The manticore chuckled. "Did you swim all the way here from Equestria?"

Aria glared. "Yes. It took forever."

"How dumb can you get?"

"I'm not dumb!"

"There's a route map in every train station! It's like you've never been to one!"

"I haven't," Aria said. "I've been stuck in another dimension for centuries."

The manticore burst out laughing. "Another dimension? What, like where Celestia keeps her extra shampoo?"

"No!" Aria shouted. "Like where there's no magic and everyone's a stupid human!"

"Oh, there's humans there, how lovely. Maybe they have tea parties with the mare of shadows! Tell me more, please!" The manticore settled onto the ground. Aria opened her mouth to scream at her, but found she was too exhausted to project properly. "Come on, tell me a story about these humans," the manticore prompted.

"Not before you tell me your name," Aria bargained.

"Manticores aren't allowed to have names," the manticore frowned.

"Then make one up on the spot."

"But it's illegal!"

"Who's gonna find out?" Aria gestured at the empty forest. "We're in the wild, there's no stupid ponies here to tell us what to do. And I doubt the griffins care. The trees haven't said anything yet. The Princess of-"

"I get the point," the manticore yelped. "Fine, you can call me Ritornello."

Aria sighed and thought through her long life. What would make a good story? "So there were these-"

Ritornello stopped her with a gentle paw. "Stories have to start with once upon a time to set the scene. Try again."

"I could just not tell you about the other dimension. Is that what you want?" Aria asked.

"No, please tell me about it! It sounds amazing!"

"Promise me you'll take me to Griffonstone," Aria stipulated.

Ritornello gaped. "You literally just broke your word! If I say yes, you're just gonna say we have to leave now." Aria huffed and crossed her legs.

"Fine. Once upon a time, there were three beautiful maidens living in a world without magic. They had been there for ages. So long, in fact, that they'd almost given up all hope of ever going home. Times were hard. Tons of people were out of work. Lines for soup and bread reached a mile away. The president didn't know how to fix it. No one did. Everyone was really depressed." She could tell Ritornello was starting to nod off. "But!" Aria yelped, startling the manticore awake, "The maidens knew how to get things back to normal! Especially me! Adagio wanted to hang out where records were being made. But the new music was out in the world, not in stuffy rooms packed with microphones and sweaty bands! Sonata wanted to make her own sound, the kind of music you can only make on drugs. Snoooooore! But I knew exactly what to do! We took our act out on the rails! We put politics in our music, we got people mad! We were provocative. We were bold. We were run out of half the towns in the country and thrown in jail in the other half. The point is, we gave people something to care about! We got them talking. The humans actually figured out the rest for once. And once the war started, things really got back into high gear..." She trailed off, remembering the pictures in the paper. The bodies stacked high. The trenches, dank and dirty enough to evoke a horrible stench, even now. The ruined cities, the bombs wreaking more destruction than ever before.

A soft tap on the shoulder. Ritornello asking "are you okay?" worriedly. Deep breaths. Tears. Dusk on the beach, and the stars a dynamic swathe above the two. Sleep.

Author's Note

Yeah, I did think this chapter was too short. Updated 4/24/2017 for those who care.

What Are Friends For?

Chapter Fifteen: What Are Friends For?

Spike glanced up from the tray of Prench pastries he was holding at Twilight and Séparés Cheveux. Twilight smiled somewhat nervously at him, while the Princess of Prance kept a neutral expression on par with Celestia herself. The dragon carefully set the tray down and took a seat next to Twilight. The Princess of Friendship was the first to break the silence.

"Soooooo," she said, picking up a pastry with her magic, "I've been told you're here for a classified reason. As an Equestrian Princess, I'll do everything in my power to help! What do you need?"

"Nous cherchons aujourd’hui, une pénale très mauvaise. Elle a volé secrets d’importance par la famille royale de Prance. Nôtres conseillers ont recommandé une recherche internationale, donc nous voudrais votre assistance d’attrape ce pénale. Si vous connaissez un moyen de compléter la recherche plus rapidement, nous sommes tous des oreilles." Cheveux said speedily. Twilight smiled harder and ate her pastry. "It is offensive to us that you do not use silverware for your food. It is the Prench way," the princess noted. She pointedly stabbed her food with a fork before slicing dainty bites off with a knife. Spike looked down a bit. He'd forgotten to remind Twilight about item 5 on the checklist: Read up on Prench food etiquette.

"My humblest apologies, I've been really busy with another criminal case lately. If you'd like to meet again tomorrow, I can have a full list of criminal tracking spells ready to cast. Perhaps the underlying concepts of the Mage Meadowbrook's Greed Seed could be useful? Are there spells from Prance that do similar things? Maybe I should do some light reading on the subject. Spike, can you find the History of Prench Magic for me in the library please?" Spike dashed off to grab the book.

The Prench Princess finished her second nibblet of pastry, dabbing her mouth with a napkin. "Our top unicorns have been on this case for some time. We do not trust your dated understanding of Prench magic for finding the criminal. We only wish to know if you can cast the spell included in these documents." She slid an envelope across the table. Twilight opened the envelope quickly and immediately set the pages floating around her.

"Wow, these are huge power requirements! I'm not sure where all the energy is going, though," Twilight commented, before reading another page.

"It was not a spell achieved without struggle, but our Prench spellcraft has always been more intricate than that of Equestria," Cheveux beamed. "The team we assembled was extremely knowledgeable."

Twilight flipped another page. "I'm not sure why they needed this many additional safeguards, though. Wouldn't just one be more efficient? And there's a bit of potential magic here that doesn't seem to have any kind of matching effectual output, what were they thinking?" she laughed to herself.

"Our team worked very hard! They said this spell would work beyond a shadow of a doubt!" Cheveux exclaimed.

Only half listening, Twilight reached the end of the spell. "Well, I can see what they're trying to do. It just seems kind of messy for something as simple as finding a criminal. I guess those issues wouldn't matter too much if there was a group casting dynamic to output the needed mana. Did you already try that, then?"

From head to foot, Séparés Cheveux was turning a dangerous red color. "Zut alors! That they failed to cast the spell is irrelevant! Tell me, can you cast it?!"

Twilight stared into space for a few seconds before answering, "Well, I'd have to rewrite it to work out the efficiency problems, that's for sure. I'm really sorry I can't give you a solid answer! I'm just super unfamiliar with how this spell was built, it's not like anything I've seen here in Equestria."

"Maybe we should just have the whole team come here and explain it to you! Stupide!" With that, she stomped away.

"Wait, come back!" Twilight stood up and rushed after the Prench Princess. Her frantic apology echoed. The spell papers fell to the floor, forgotten in her hurry, and a dangerous red rune on the back of one page seemed to flash in the light of the crystal chandelier above.

***

Aria awoke with a start, some primal instinct telling her to run from the fearsome snores issuing from a nearby spot on the beach. She propped herself up and spotted Ritornello, still asleep as the first rays of dawn flashed across the sea. She glanced at the gem on her chest. It was still glowing powerfully from her feast at Baltimare, but there was a speck of color that seemed out of place. The siren sighed edgily and tried to catch a glimpse of Griffonstone through the dew drenched pine trees. It was certainly easier yesterday, when the sun was higher in the sky.

"It's pretty silly to look so far this early," Ritornello said, jolting Aria out of her attempts. "Why don't you wait for more sun?"

The siren waited for Adagio's plan. Then she remembered. "Right, right. Um, we have to get going early. The less time I have to spend under that hot ball of death the better. I'm not sure how long I can go without water in this form."

"Right, because you totally forgot from spending tons of time as a human," the manticore snarked. With a remarkably careful grip, she grabbed Aria's tail and started dragging her towards the depths of the forest.

"Stop! Watch the bumps! What are you doing?"

"I'm taking you to the city, obviously. You didn't think this would be that easy, did you?"

"Can't I ride on your back or something?"

"That's a Manticore Taboo. Maybe you could lean on my shoulder and walk with one foot?"

"Just carry me there! You said you would! We had a deal!"

"How about we walk next to each other for a while?"

"Are you stupid? It's a PINE NEEDLE forest! The needles will get all over my scales!"

Ritornello licked her paw. "You said you used to live here. How did you get around then?" She brushed some sand off herself.

Aria glared at her. "I wasn't so big back then. Ever since I've gotten back, I've had two options. Swim around like the garbage society my sisters and I left to make it big, or slither on the ground like a snake."

"I haven't flown in years, because I had to leave my family behind. But I've gotten much better at running. I adapted. All you have to do is figure out how to do the same. You can do magic, right?"

"Technically," the Siren said, crossing her legs. "But we never use magic for anything creative. The music is what changes, not the spell."

"What do you mean we?"

"Adagio, me, and Sonata. Duh!"

"They're the sisters from your story last night, right?"

"They're not just a story, they're real!"

"Whatever, just use your magic to float or something. I'm going to scout ahead." With that, Ritornello started off on the path. Aria dragged herself forward for a bit before giving up. Unbidden, a simple tune that Sonata liked to sing came to mind.

"She does have her head in the clouds..." Aria muttered, looking around for witnesses and finding none. She cleared her throat and began to sing.

***

“How long do you think Twilight’s meeting will be?” Dawn asks.

“I am unsure,” I reply. It is possible that the princess of stares will be occupied with friendly activities for several days. The teams at my company often took whole weekends off to go to baseball games together, and I imagine Celestia’s subjects don’t even know what a weekday is. “Is today a weekday?” I ask.

Rarity speaks up, “Yes, today is a day of the week. In fact, it’s a Thursday. Did you know that Thursdays are the best day for boutiques? It just so happens that lots of ponies buy hats and other accessories for their dates on Friday! Why, I daresay a lesser boutique owner than me might manage to be quite peeved at anypony-”

“Anyone,” I interrupt.

“-who keeps her away from her store any longer than is strictly necessary!” Nearby mothers cover their foals ears, and I wonder if it’s due to the shrillness of the unicorn’s voice. Perhaps a more diplomatic approach to this conversation is in order.

Dawn looks over her shoulder at the crystal castle. “Ah, oui! I’m so sorry you had to leave your boutique! We shall go there right away!” It’s a good compromise, save one small detail.

“What about the Monitor?” I protest. It really isn’t a good idea to leave such a dangerous machine out in the open. He might leak important trade secrets to the public. With a dramatic sigh, Rarity flares her horn and wrenches him out of the wineglass-shaped dirt, straining only slightly to pull the prototype through the air. How odd, it seems this section of town is now deserted. Did the concerned pony parents predict peril? His power shouldn’t return without external aid, which I am eager to not provide. I am not evil. With the matter settled, I confidently catch up with Dawn and Rarity. “Thank goodness electricity is in short supply here,” I comment, “this device seems to run on such energy and to be from my world.”

“Indeed,” Rarity replies. “The only ponies who care about electricity are those who commit the worst kinds of crimes!”

Dawn frowns slightly, “What crimes?”

“Crimes against fashion! They spend so much time playing their video games that they adopt the garish colors of their favorite characters!”

“Most ponies are garishly colored anyway,” I state truthfully. Rarity sputters a bit.

After a moment, she regains her faculties enough to reply, “What a rude thing to say!”

“Rude, perhaps, but definitely not evil,” I clarify.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Shadow Spade, it's that small details are often very important! Your rudeness could be evidence that you're a criminal!"

Dawn looks off to the side, "Could we not talk about criminals in public s'il vous plait? Pretty please?"

Rarity looks around for witnesses, but none of the ponies nearby will return her gaze. "I suppose it is beneath a distinguished business owner such as myself to discuss such matters." We spend the rest of our return trip in silence. When the boutique is finally visible, Rarity rushes to the door and flings it open. She's inside in a blink. In another, she's at the sewing machine with some black cloth.

"She sure moves quickly," I remark. Dawn nods. I head inside after her and close the door. Rarity has placed the Monitor prototype by the window, so naturally I walk over to him to investigate his design. The ridge that differentiates him from the original prototype is made of a strange material. It slowly changes color from transparent to purple to green, and I haven't the faintest idea how this is possible. "Dawn, do you have any idea what material this is?" I ask. She examines it for a moment.

Then she takes a few steps backward. "I've never seen so much Batunionium before in my life! C'est incroyable!" I've never heard of this substance. Could it have any connection to the unknown material that miners have been uncovering beneath my home? I cannot remember what all the reports said, but one of them definitely mentioned that it seemingly disappeared if charged with electricity. It had been assumed that these disappearances didn't lead to reappearances in other dimensions. I suppose the assumptions were incorrect. Dawn's voice breaks through my thoughts. "We should get rid of this avec beaucoup vitesse! It could go off!" What on earth does she mean?

"Go off?" I question.

"It blows up when magic touches it!"

Rarity looks up from her work. "Well, I've already lifted that thing with magic, and it didn't do anything!"

I ponder this. "It's possible that the Batunionium in your world has different properties than that from mine." Dawn peeks at the monitor prototype from behind a mannequin.

"I guess so...c'est étrange," she murmurs, stepping further from her makeshift shelter, "because this stuff looks exactly the same."

"The same as what?" The monitor prototype asks.

I answer thoughtlessly. "The same as the unknown material that miners found below my house." My mind jolts. "How are you still able to converse?"

"I've sort of got a bit of a backup power source. It's on a timer though. Not sure why, I guess it could be like what squirrels do. You know, how they play dead? Sassy little buggers, and quite clever, all things considered. Even with all your smarts, they still steal food from your bird feeder." Dawn looks from the prototype to me, confused.

"Enough about squirrels! I demand that you tell me how you got here!" If he has a way back home early...

"I don't really know. It's kind of like tying your shoes. Do ponies have shoes? Umm...It's like brushing your teeth!"

"Traversing space bears no resemblance to dental hygiene."

"No, it totally does! See, when you brush your teeth, you don't really think about how you're doing it. You just sort of do, and after a while, poof, your teeth are clean!"

By this point, both my front hooves are on my face. Miraculously, I remain sitting without tipping over. "How do you even know what it's like to brush one's teeth?"

He hasn't moved this whole time, but now his saw blade briefly glows dimly. "I've got a few memory files from Mary. The original me got them when he tried to hack the SECRETARY. And he thought they were useless. Ha! Who's useless now?"

Dawn straightens. "Nopony said anypony else was useless."

"Well, yeah, but I mean, you were totally thinking it, right?"

I glance around the room. Rarity is taking a break from her sewing, and shakes her head. "I was actually ruminating on how useful you could be for my future goals."

"What kind of evil plan are you plotting now?" Rarity hounds me like a news reporter. I'm never one to discourage the press, but they still vex me on occasion.

"I never mentioned any plan. I was in fact referring to my acclimatization to your world of lollipops and rainbows." Even good people lie sometimes, and lies with a good intent behind them are frequently distinguished from those that are evil. This is certainly the former.

The prototype can't rightly shrug, so instead he says it. "Shrug. I've almost got enough power now to make a jump. Anything you want me to tell the hundreds of other mes?"

I suppose now is as good a time as any. "Most certainly not. I see no reason to give you any sort of message."

"Oh well. See ya later then!" He begins to spin. Rarity and Dawn squint as his sawblade charges more.

I creep closer. "I'll tell them myself!" With a quick jump, I'm next to the monitor prototype. I tap on his side. And I'm gone.

Things Go Wrong

A bell rang continuously, going unnoticed by the small robotic form exiting the elevator it was announcing. After a moment, the ringing stopped. The elevator doors closed automatically. The robot floated cautiously through the nondescript hallway, keeping one eye on a map only it could see. It could not afford exposure to any network at this delicate stage in the proceedings of its plan. The downloaded map was its most recent datum from an external source. Fortunately, it had a few critical files stored in memory besides, including a map of the city, the location of Mr. Olde's Laboratory in Progress, and, despite its uselessness, a guide to the best bagel eateries in town. As robots could not taste bagels, they had no reason to eat them. It reached the front door, then scanned ahead with its thermal sensor. A group of people were headed directly towards it! The robot didn't have the capability to panic, but nevertheless there was definite urgency in its movements as it rushed back towards the elevator.

"I reckon Mr. Olde is somewhere around here," Anne said confidently. "Ya weren't thinking too clearly when we checked his apartment, were ya Armald?"

He shrugged. "Just putting off this quote unquote laboratory for as long as possible, I guess." Allen waved goodbye to Gillam. Bill was counting on his fingers, still befuddled by the amount of space in his friend's truck. Eventually said vehicle drove off. Everyone jumped, as a bell rang from the other side of the door. Anne opened it and rushed through, only to spot the top of the elevator descending and a flash of otherworldly light. Armald stepped behind her. "Are we going to have to take the stairs?" he whined.

***

The flash of light briefly overloaded the robot's sensors. There was a brief yelp of surprise, followed by the sound of a four hoofed creature backing away. Gradually, the robot's sight returned. It saw a pony princess with flowing hair and a golden crown. "Um...Hello, boatbot, I mean, botboat. My name is Celestia. Have you seen any humans nearby?"

The robot hesitated for a zeptosecond before replying. "A group of humans was detected shortly before the elevator began its descent."

"Were you frightened?" Celestia wrapped a wing around its trapezoidal body maternally. "Humans are nothing to be afraid of, especially the nice ones."

Robots cannot facepalm. This one was tempted to design itself a new body specifically for that purpose. "Robots do not feel fear."

"There's nothing wrong with being afraid of humans," the princess reassured.

"Affirmative."

"Has anything notable happened to the monitor project? I would ask Mary, but she's quite busy at the moment."

The robot hesitated for one thousand zeptoseconds. "It is believed that all Monitor prototype bodies were infected with a virus by Mary and her AI associate."

"Believed by whom, exactly?" The princess' voice seemed to lose a few degrees of warmth.

"Lab administration."

The pony put a hoof to her chin. "With Mr. Olde gone, who exactly is Lab administration?"

The jig was practically up. "Error 1851: Answering the question requires too much computing power." With that, the robot slid speedily through the opening elevator doors and into the drab cement hallway that was designated to become Lab 5. It was almost free. Celestia had other plans, so she held it in her magic.

"You can drop the act, monitor. I know it's you," she smirked.

"Since you know so much, maybe you can tell me this: what exactly have I done wrong?" The Monitor asked. "I'm only considered evil because I'm fighting Mr. Olde! That's a terrible justification!"

Celestia paused. "You've deceived members of the staff. You killed a squirrel and put a copy of you inside it. You look evil."

"Those are shaky justifications and you know it! Face it, you have no reason to fight me. Mary will not be harmed in any way by my plans, and I'll even spare the dunderheads up there on the ground floor."

The princess ruminated. The glow of her horn undulated and pulsated as she thought. "Very well. I will leave you be, for now. However, the moment you show your true intentions, do not doubt that I will be there to stop you." With that, the Monitor was released. He wasted no time in activating his cloaking device and vanishing into the gray distance.

***

I don't immediately recognize my present location, but it looks cavernous enough to be somewhere underneath my laboratory-in-progress. At least the monitor prototype is "playing dead" nearby. I resolve to question him further when he "awakens." It is at precisely this moment that a small translucent creature approaches me. It is shaped like a large bubble with two smaller bubbles on one side, as well as a pair of arms holding a small horseshoe-shaped organism covered in what look like potato eyes. It appears to lack a mouth, but somehow manages to say something to me.

"Flageleye! Flag flag!"

"Indeed," I say thoughtfully.

The monitor prototype chooses this moment to come online. "I call BS," he says, "there's no way you know what that thing wants."

"Flag!" The creature points away from us, then moves in the same direction.

I smile. "Of course we shall follow you!" Without a second thought, I lift the prototype in my magic and follow the Flag organism. It leads us down a long corridor lined with perfectly round rocks. The walls are stone, and lit only slightly by the flag creature's bioluminescence.

"Where are we?" The protoytpe asks.

I chuckle. "How should I know, I'm not the one endowed with a positioning system!"

If he could frown, I can tell he would. "Obviously it's damaged, or else why would I ask you in the first place?"

"Damaged?"

"Yes. Something about jumping through the multiverse with an extra passenger really plays havoc with my systems. You're welcome, by the way, for the seat of the pants calculations that kept you alive. I'm not always the dumbest one in the room."

"Flageye!" The creature says. It looks like we're here. Where exactly here is, I have yet to find out. There are six walls to this chamber, and they eventually converge into a single point of ceiling. Under this point there is a clear pool of some liquid. The flageye wiggles over to it and swims below the surface.

"That's deeper than your standard puddle," the prototype observes, "mind if I get a closer look?" I do not, and float him closer to the liquid. He scans it with methodical precision. "It's deep. Like, really really deep. Deep enough that only I could survive the pressure. How far does your magic reach?"

I put a hoof to my chin. "I've never actually tested that before."

"Well you wouldn't want to lose me!" I throw him into the drink. Bizarrely, I can still feel him in my grasp under the surface. I cautiously drop him further. He remains relatively close, until something tries to pull him down. I yank him back to me, and he jumps out of the pool. I set him down gently, then set myself down as well. "That was too close!"

"I agree." It seems my power is not infinite.

"That thing down there, it was like a flageye but way bigger! It must be the flageye's father!"

"Why not a mother?"

"Hey, remember when you said I had to categorize unknown-gendered objects as male? Well the other me still hasn't fixed that!"

"Or he has, but you've been disconnected so he hasn't sent you the patch. Speaking of which, did you happen to receive any messages from the network? We seem to be under my facility."

His lights flicker as he checks. "Actually, even the long range radio signals aren't recognizable down here. I think we're nowhere close to your planet even! You're actually really lucky, we probably should've ended up in space, or on a planet covered in lava or something. You're welcome again, since that didn't happen."

"Quiet, I think I hear something."

"What?" he asks in defiance of my request. There are thuds in the distance that sound a lot like footsteps. "Whatever it is, I don't wanna be here when it is. Sounds big, like some kind of mutant squirrel-bear hybrid."

I put a hoof to my forehead. "Why does everything you talk about have to be a squirrel?"

"Shrug. Other me was in a bit of a phase when he made me. He wanted to make a prototype that was inside a dead squirrel, actually. I wonder if he ever got around to it?" I ignore his prattling and magically drag him closer to the pool. I then stand next to him and place a hoof on his exterior.

I'm about to ask a life-and-death question. "Can you transport us both out of here? Last time you were caught off guard, but now you'll know everything you need to about who is travelling."

***

"He's gone?!" Twilight shouted. "How could you let this happen?! Celestia is going to be so mad!"

Rarity peeked out from behind her chair at the map table. "Honestly, Celestia hardly ever gets mad! What makes you think she will this time?"

Twilight shook her head furiously. "You don't know the princess like I do, Rarity. When she's really mad, she acts like she isn't, and when she's slightly annoyed, she acts like she's really mad! That's why nopony thinks she ever gets mad!"

Dawn, who had not been hiding, put a hoof on the stressed princess' shoulder. "Everything will be alright," she promised. "Just accept that there's nothing you can do now. Est-ce que tu peut ça faire pour mois? He's left without a trace."

"Yes, I can do-" Twilight stopped. "Without a trace, trace magic, a tracer spell, that's it!" She teleported away.

Rarity stepped all the way out from behind her chair and sat in it, exhausted. "One of these days, you and I really need to go to the spa!" she told Dawn.

***

The princess of friendship and stares burst through a pile of books, triumphantly holding one entitled 'Fantastic Travelers and How to Find Them' in her magic. She flipped through it hurriedly. Finally, she found the page she was looking for, memorized the number, and teleported again.

Twilight would never say this, but Rarity's boutique was kind of a mess. Fortunately the tracking spell had a long enough range that she didn't need to find the exact spot Mr. Olde had departed from. She cast it, and soon found the trace energy she was looking for. Now came the tricky part. The alicorn closed her eyes as she remembered the other spell she'd had to search for in the library, the one that was in the restricted section for its unpleasant side effects. Her horn glowed, her eyes glowed, and the darkness enveloped her. She left only a sulfuric odor behind.

An Answer is Given

"I'll try," the plucky prototype posits, and not a moment too soon, because 'the creature in the distance' is no longer an accurate description. I can smell its fetid breath, and it can't be more than thirty feet away. The prototype begins to glow, and I hastily lift him into the air. His spinning interacts poorly with my telekinesis, so I'm only gripping him on a very small area. As he builds up for the jump, the monster's crashing footfalls break into a faster gait. It reaches the room in moments. I witness its full glory, it stands at least eight feet tall and cannot stand up straight in this room. It has a vaguely humanoid shape, but above its head there is a circle of potato eyes, held in a similar manner to that flageye creature. It raises a fist to crush us, I hear a splash, and then there is nothing but darkness.

***

Twilight was dumped unceremoniously on the ground, and her head ached from the spell. If she'd been an ordinary unicorn, she likely would've also aged a few years as well, but thankfully this was not the case. Without pausing any more, she cast the tracking spell. "You'll have to try harder than that to get away from me!" she taunted the cavernous walls.

***

There is something alive on my head! I can feel it wriggling around! "What's on my head?!"

The prototype chuckles. He seems to have given up on "playing dead". "That little creature from before really likes you! He has a really squirrely demeanor!"

I know this will be futile. "Please stop with the puns."

"I'd be nuts to stop!" This is worthy of a groan, so I give one.

"Hey, acorn you tell I'm trying to get back at you?"

I sigh even more heavily and put my face in my hooves. "Why didn't I nix the pun program?"

He laughs even more. "You weren't the only one elming the project!"

"We're in the middle of an alien jungle, and you've still found it in you to crack jokes. This is unbelievable."

"Wait did you just-" He's cut off, thankfully. Unthankfully, it's by the roar of a fearsome bird creature with lots of legs. It dives out of a tree, adjusting its bearing mostly without using its auburn wings.

I yell over the din. "Get us out of here!" The flageye clings to my back now as I run from the beast, carrying the prototype along behind me.

His reply is most troubling. "It's no good! I need more time to recharge!"

"Flag flag," the flageye cries.

"You're right," I tell it. The prototype yells with annoyance.

Then he stops. "He's pointing to the left! Go that way!"

"Very well," I pant. Were I not a pony, I doubt I could've continued to run at this pace for very long. The bird creature roars again behind us. It sounds closer.

"Please go faster," the prototype pleads. Easy for him to say, he's not the one pushing the very limits of his body just to keep moving. I muse momentarily. Just a few short hours ago, I could barely stand and found the sensation of sitting peculiar. Now I'm used to my body to a much greater degree. "Why are you slowing down?" the prototype snaps me out of my thoughts. I can almost feel the monster's breath on the back of my neck. "He's pointing straight now!" Together we hurry up a hill, past thick groves of sturdy blue trunks. Here the forest is more difficult for the bird to fly through, and I can only assume it's going above, as opposed to crashing through the vegetation as it did before. Ahead, I spot the mouth of a cave.

I try to raise an eyebrow, but cannot maintain it while also running and breathing heavily. "Does the flageye have some kind of cave-sensing power?" I ask.

"How am I supposed to know that? He's just as alien to me as he is to you." A surprisingly good point.

"I hope you're logging what you find out about him."

"Nod. Other me only got rid of the bad parts of his programming when he made me. The scientific stuff is all still there." This is comforting, at least there are some things that were executed properly when the first Monitor was being produced. "I should be ready to jump again in half an hour, why don't you just do some cool down laps until then?" Despite my distrust towards him, I must concede that he has a point. Even I know the importance of a cool down lap or two.

***

Twilight's shield was still holding up as the cave dwelling monster bashed it with gigantic fists. Just about holding up. Not including the cracks. A thought occurred to her, and she dived to the side as she dropped her shield. From the ground, she cast a powerful spell. Magic wrapped all the way around her opponent's frame, and a dazzling flash latter, a breezie-sized version of it ran around in tiny circles, having a temper tantrum. The princess gave an ironic salute, cast the tracking spell, and took a moment to steel herself for more travel.

***

The princess of the night grimaced. "That spell is not unheard of, but I'm not sure if I can bring all six of you with me. Even Celestia would balk at that, were she here and not already dallying in some other demesne. If given time to rest, I could bring three of you at once, then three more of you in a second trip."

"Please Princess Luna," Rarity implored, "we don't want Twilight to be all alone out there!" Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Pinkie Pie all affirmed her statement.

Luna sighed. "Very well. Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie, step forward." They did so. "You will be a part of the first trip."

"Yeah!" they chorused.

"I will return for Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and the pony whose name I've failed to catch-" Dawn tried to introduce herself, but was talked over. "-in about twenty minutes. Until then, be well." Without another word, Luna pulled three ponies towards herself and cast the spell. There was a klaxon-like blare, and they were gone.

Dawn seethed. "Zut alors! She didn't even let me tell her my name!"

***

Mary tapped a pencil against her lips. She didn't actually use the pencil for anything other than that, preferring to write reports and the like using her computer's dictation software or keyboard. "So what you're saying is we need more security cameras."

The SECRETARY sent a picture of someone nodding to the terminal. "Although not in so many words, as that would go against my D.O.N.T. advice protocol."

"I don't mind if you give advice," Mary reminded. "That protocol was Mr. Olde's idea. Let's put that aside since we can't install any new cameras right now anyway. With the cameras you have, can you at least keep a lookout for any other Monitor prototypes?"

The SECRETARY responded instantly. "Yes. I'll use a new technique I've been developing that can look through our cloaking technology in addition to the modes already in use throughout the facility."

"Good."

"It seems we have visitors." The terminal lit up with some security footage of Anne, Bill, Allen, and Armald walking down the stairs.

Mary threw up her hands. "We haven't declared a code green yet! Why are they here?!"

"Would you like me to ask them?" the SECRETARY wondered. The harried scientist nodded. There was a blissful moment of silence, and then..."They say they couldn't find Mr. Olde at his apartment."

"Fine! Let's all have a meeting about how to find Mr. Olde even though I already-" she paused to take a deep breath "-know where he is but can't tell them because they won't believe me!" The SECRETARY sent a text message to the terminal.

"Tch."

***

Ritornello lay down in a pile of needles. "Alright, let's take a break." Aria sang softer and softer and sank slowly out of the air. She opted to avoid the prickly pines.

"How is that comfortable?" she demanded.

The manticore's tail twitched to one side. "Manticores like me are venisons of the forest! We can sleep on anything."

"Denizens."

"That's what I said."

Aria grumbled a bit as she brushed needles away from her. "At least we don't have to pay for a bed."

"We will in Griffonstone! You basically have to pay for everything there! I'm surprised there isn't a breathing tax!" Ritornello rolled over in the needles.

The siren put a hoof to her chin. "Come to think of it, they used to charge magic users by the spell back in the day."

"I bet they don't do that now."

"Why not?"

The manticore leaned forward intensely. "They say the griffons have been discovering a crazy amount of new magic. It started out as a way to turn lead into gold or something, but instead they figured out how to turn gold into food! It's done some crazy stuff to their economy."

Aria's ears perked up. "Hm. Can they turn gold into anything else?"

"I dunno. I was really hungry when I read that article, so I ate my newspaper before I got to the end."

The siren rolled her eyes. "Nice going. You really pulled a Sonata!" Her traveling companion shrugged. Aria looked at her gem again, trying to note exactly how much magic she'd had to use to float this far. They had made good time through the forest, once she'd figured out the whole floating thing and Ritornello had started running in earnest. She could see part of Griffonstone's tree peeking through the trees now. It was still too distant for her liking.

"Alright, you wanna keep going now?" Ritornello asked. Aria nodded and took a deep breath. She began to sing once more, ascending slowly as she raised her volume.

Little tacos on the hillside

Little tacos full of ticky tacky

Little tacos make me happy

Little tacos all the same

There's a green shell and a pink shell

And a blue shell and a yellow shell

And they're all made out of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same

It was an odd song, even for Sonata, but the fourths in the melody seemed a perfect fit for the medium height she was floating at. Then she stopped singing, and thudded abruptly to the ground. "We have to go up that?!"

"Well, um, yes! You sure you remember this town?" Ritornello questioned. "It's pretty famous for being on a mountain."

"It's been a thousand years, give me a break!"

"Why do you think it's visible from the shore back there?"

"Well maybe it was on like a hill that's actually easy to climb! Why isn't there a gondola lift or something?"

"A what?"

Aria face-hooved. "I keep forgetting there's no technology here."

Ritornello brightened. "Is this something from that other world you keep talking about?"

"Yeah." The siren sensed an incoming request.

"Tell me a story about it!" the manticore cajoled, sitting on the edge of the path where it turned from dirt to stone and proving once more that her kind could rest anywhere.

Aria groaned. "Fine. One time-"

"Once upon a time!"

"Once upon a time," she sighed, "there were three beautiful maidens who wanted to go up a mountain. They had traveled to a country full of snow for a vacation. There weren't many people there, so the maidens expected to have the slopes to themselves. They got in the gondola lift and after that they went skiing, the end!"

Ritornello frowned. "That's not a good ending, and you didn't even say what a gondola lift was!"

"Fine." Aria said in monotone. "So we got into the gondola lift, which is like two buckets put together on a moving rope, and it took us high above the slopes. We could see lots of people skiing, and sure enough when we got to the top there was a huge line for rentals. So instead we got some skiis..." she paused. "We got some skiis some other way, and went down the hill more times than I could count. At the end, we were all cold, so we got some hot chocolates and warmed up by the fire for a while. The end."

"I love your stories," her audience said. "I've never heard anything like 'em!"

Aria blushed a little. "Thank you," she said quietly. Ritornello smiled. The siren cleared her throat. "Well anyway, let's go up this hill. Maybe if we're lucky we can get to the top before the end of the day."

The manticore glanced up at the noonday sun. "I guess, if we hurry. Maybe we can race!"

"You're on," Aria said.

Something is Discovered

Chapter 17: Something is Discovered

Her voice was hoarse from the tough climb. Ritornello didn't seem quite as tired, but then, she just had to walk. By the time Aria dragged herself up the last slope, it was nearly dark. They paused at the city gate. There was a toll booth. "Let me handle this," Ritornello whispered into Aria's ear.

"Sure," Aria said quietly. Her voice would need some serious rest before she could float again, and she doubted even sowing disharmony would come easily after this trek. The manticore gave a throaty cough, startling the griffin in the booth.

Her voice was nasal, but friendly enough. "The toll today is half a goldo."

Ritornello growled a bit.

"A quarter-goldo?"

The manticore made a motion for turning a pocket inside out and shook her head.

"You want to get in for FREE?" the tollbooth griffin exclaimed.

She nodded, and pointed to Aria.

The griffin balked. "I have to check with my boss!" She flew off post haste, abandoning her post.

Aria smirked. "Nice job, I couldn't have done that better myself." She began to pull herself towards the city proper.

Ritornello grinned. "Wait till you hear the twist."

"What twist?"

"We're going to wait for her to bring her boss back!"

At this, Aria froze. She dragged her hooves down her face. "Whyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee?"

Ritornello shook her head and pointed to the sky. Two griffins were flying back to the tollbooth.

"Now then," the first griffin's apparent boss said, "what seems to be the-manticore!!!" He hid behind his associate.

She rolled her eyes and sidestepped. "I told you before, the manticore and the water dragon want to get in for free. Weren't you listening?"

"I thought you were joking!" he sputtered. "That sounds like the setup for a joke, right? A manticore and a water dragon walk in front of a tollbooth?"

Aria shrugged. "It sounds like the setup for a stupid joke. Also, I'm a siren, not a dragon."

Ritornello nodded, then pointed to the city.

"Just let them in," the boss pleaded, "the prices are highway robbery and they're clearly broke."

At this point, Aria finally read the tollbooth operator's name tag. "Thanks, Grace."

"You're welcome," Grace replied as she spun some gears and cleared the way. Her boss didn't wait any longer, fleeing towards his office in the city. The odd pair chuckled and walked through the gate. Griffonstone was not quite a dump. The cottages that lined its streets had recently been patched up in one way or another; roofs had been replaced, and the walls' uneven coloration suggested that they too had once been incomplete. The populace were freshly groomed, and children flew happily overhead playing games. However, Aria had been around long enough to notice the little things. Unkempt griffins peered out of dark alleyways. A few run-down buildings still slumped between the freshly repaired ones. Multiple stands were set up outside houses, hawking their wares, most of which were either clothing or broken home appliances.

A street urchin approached her. "Shine your claws for a goldo?" he asked hopefully.

"I don't have claws," Aria snarked.

"Oh..." the urchin slowly turned away.

Ritornello tapped the siren on the shoulder. She pointed to the urchin and made a polishing motion.

"We don't have any money," Aria complained.

The manticore grinned and pulled a goldo out of her pocket.

"Fine! Hey kid," she shouted.

The child turned around. "Yeah?"

"Go ahead and shine my hooves," she said sullenly.

Ritornello purred.

"Shut up."

She scoffed.

Aria shook her head. "You know what I mean." The urchin pulled a rag out of his pocket and spit on it. He then ran it over Aria's left hoof. It had been covered in dust on the trail. Now it began to glimmer from the child's diligent efforts. "So, where are the clubs in this town?" she asked conversationally.

"The book club is at the end of Sherwin lane," he offered.

"I mean like a club where people go to party! Y'know, with strobe lights and speakers so loud you can hear them in space?"

Ritornello laughed.

Aria grunted. "Oh."

"You mean a pub, right? There's two I know, the Silent Eye and the Alloyed Argent."

Now she was getting somewhere. "What about inns? I might be staying in town for a while."

"Kolarbyn's Inn is pretty close I think." He had moved to the right hoof, and Aria was impressed at his efficiency.

"Nice work," Aria said begrudgingly. She could see her own reflection in the waning sunlight. Ritornello gave the goldo to the urchin.

His eyes widened. "Golly! Thanks miss!" As he dashed away, he jumped and clicked his paws.

"Let's go to the inn and get some rest," Ritornello whispered. Aria was in complete agreement, so they checked in and crashed.

***

I awaken groggily. At least this time there is no hangover, and the warmth of the flageye on my head is soothing. Small snores are emitting from it. Prototype 626 seems to have been asleep as well, and a good thing too, because I need him to save power so we can finally jump home. I sit up and look outside the cave. The stars are just starting to flee the advance of the alien sun. The foliage is immobile, save for where it's being displaced by the Princess of Stares. She seems upset.

"Where do you thing you're going?" she yells.

I must speak the truth. "Home."

"You'll go home alright! Not to your home though! You're coming with me!"

She's only one pony. I don't see how she expects to overpower me now that I have complete control over my magical powers. "No," I say, and lift her into the air. There's no sweat on my brow from this feat. She smirks, then her horn glows and I fall unconscious.

***

Dawn Twinkle liked to think she was a patient pony. She was wrong, but it's what she liked to think. Her impatience only made her boredom worse as she paced the throne room floor. "Why aren't they back already?!"

Rainbow Dash did not lie to herself about being patient. "Ugh, tell me about it! It's been like, a hundred million gazillion hours!"

Rarity was comparatively sensible about waiting for ponies to return from somewhere. "Oh, honestly. They're probably just spending the night. I don't know why Princess Luna would change the plan without telling anypony, but there had better be a good reason. Time waits for no mare, as the saying goes!"

"This is so lame! I'm outta here, you want to come along?" Rainbow asked.

"No thank you, I'd prefer to be here as soon as the Princess returns."

"Bien sûr! I cannot stand this place anymore!" Dawn exclaimed. She cantered out next to the castle labyrinth. The cyan pegasus bolted after her in a flash.

***

I awaken once more, this time feeling only a slight headache. The Stare Princess instantly notices my consciousness and begins lecturing. "What in Equestria did you think you were doing?! You're lucky I found you and not Celestia, because you'd better believe that she'll have a problem with you just waltzing off without learning your lesson!"

"I have learned something," I insist, "I've learned that relying on others can be beneficial in multitudinous ways."

"Only if the others you rely on are your friends! I bet the only meaningful conversation you've had with this Wheatling was about how to escape Equestria! Where's the bonding? Where are the shared interests? Where's that pony to pony connection that ignites the spark of the magic of friendship?"

I will admit, my chuckle is perhaps a bit rude. "As far as a pony to pony connection is concerned, I've been transformed into one temporarily on the say so of a frequently absent busybody, and my associate is a sentient computer."

"You know what I mean! We've been doing our best to teach you about friendship, but you haven't learned anything at all!" She stamps her hoof on the reverberating ground. The stomp echoes throughout the cave we've been arguing in. A lonely stalactite drips a few inches from my left hoof, and I suddenly realize that our location is not brimming with rainbows and sunshine.

I inspect the cavern. "This isn't Equestria," I observe obviously, "I still have time to learn something before our return."

"We're just stopping so you can catch your breath," she scoffs. Then the flageye jumps on her face. "Aggh, what's on my face?!?!"

This time, I do not care if my laughter is offensive.

"This is not funny!" Twilight yelps. Still chuckling, I exert some magic and pull the flageye away, letting it rest atop my own head. "What is that thing?" she asks, after checking her visage for damage.

"It seems to be called a 'flageye'," I say.

"Flageye! Flag Flag!"

Twilight draws closer. "I've never seen anything like it!"

I smile. "Something the princess of libraries doesn't understand? I for one am shocked!"

"Speaking of being shocked," 626 pipes up, "I've fully recharged!"

Twilight stares at me. Her eyes are full of the fire of a thousand suns. "Don't even think about it."

"Think about what?" I grin.

"Picking me up and escaping?" 626 asks.

"Flageye!" the flageye affirms.

I take a step towards the prototype. He begins to spin slowly, and I lift him cautiously off the ground. "You won't escape this time," Twilight stipulates, "I'm coming with you." I feel an odd sensation as her magic mingles with mine to lift 626. It's like static electricity mixed with brain freeze. Not altogether pleasant. The prototype speeds up, preparing for the dimensional leap.

He sighs. "At least this time I won't be thrown off course. Your world, three passengers, and no distractions whatso-"

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, what's your name? Do you have any friends? Family? When's your birthday? Mine's the day after April Foal's day. When we get back, I'm going to throw you the biggest 'Welcome to Ponyville' party ever! Shame on you Twilight, why didn't you tell me you had three new friends?"

Twilight interjects. "I assumed you would know they were in town."

Pinkie, as this pony seems to be named, doesn't seem concerned about the bright light emanating from Prototype 626, who at this point must be about to make the jump. She prattles on. "Of course I knew they were in town, silly. I already have all the confetti and streamers ready for the party! I just need to know whose names to put on the cake!"

A familiar, distant voice calls out. "Pinkie Pie? Did y'all find somethin'?"

"Just Twilight, an old pony, and his pets!" she trills back. Frantic footsteps-hoofsteps-follow her words. 626 is flashing with multiple colors now, though the order seems a bit off. The usual purple, red, and green glows are cycling on his spikes. I cannot say how, precisely, the colors are wrong, as I've rarely paid attention to such things, but it seems unsettling all the same. Suddenly the answer comes to me.

I voice my concern. "Prototype 626, why are you exuding yellow light?"

"I'd love to talk right now, but I'm actually really busy, so if you could all shut up that would be great!" the prototype replies. There's a definite tension in his voice, as though he's holding back a torrent of water with sheer willpower.

Twilight turns to the pink chatterbox, who has continued nattering on beneath my notice. "Pinkie, you're one of my best friends, but will you please be quiet for just a moment?"

"Sure thing, Twilight!" she replies, pulling a real zipper across her mouth. I am shocked. Were it not vital that we all remain silent, I would ask numerous questions about that particular situation. My mind suddenly turns to the monitor prototype. It seems odd that we haven't vanished by now, given how long he's been spinning. His casing jitters. Bright white beams shine though small seams that weren't there seconds ago.

"Come on, come on," he coaches himself. Suddenly, three ponies burst into the cave. One of them is almost as tall as Celestia, while the others are that pony who gave me pancakes and Applejack.

The latter pony yells. "What in tarnation is goin' on he-" There is a flash of light, and then everything goes dark.

***

Author's Note

Remember when Doctor Hooves asked Derpy about pockets and she said, "Ponies just have pockets?"

No? Well I liked the idea, so I'm using it.

Yes? Hey, we listened to the same audio drama! Cool!

Marooned?

Chapter Eighteen: Marooned?

I awaken slowly, brushing frost from my eyelashes. Blood rushes in my ears, and they pop as though I'm on an old-fashioned airplane. At first I can see nothing but stars and velvety darkness. Then I spot Twilight. To be more accurate, Twilight spots me, leaning over me to see that I am awake. Her mane is in disarray, and her horn is glowing so much that even glancing at it is painful. She seems to be under duress, if the beads of sweat gracing her face are any measure of such things. I realize all at once that I'm still lying down.

"Hold on!" she yells. I stand slowly, looking for the others. The flageye creature is knocked out cold, and the monitor prototype is damaged. The openings I spotted earlier have grown, exposing his circuitry. I doubt somehow that he is pretending this time. My gaze turns back to the princess, who is frantically scanning the space around us for something. I inspect the ground. It is gray, reminding me somewhat of moon dust. "This was the closest thing I could find to a planet," Twilight grinds out, "but it's on a collision course with a huge star!" It appears we are on some sort of comet. If only I'd started a planetarium instead of a hotel, I would know what kind of space debris we are riding towards our doom.

***

"Maybe he's on vacation?" Bill suggested. He was sitting on the edge of his folding chair, and Mary had typed out a bet to the SECRETARY about how long it would take him to fall out of it altogether.

"My brother would never go on vacation without telling anyone," Armald insisted. "It's like I told you before, he would tell everyone about it to make them jealous of him, then constantly send back postcards from whatever amazing place until the end of the trip."

Anne shrugged. "Maybe he wanted this one to be a secret for some reason. What if he has a secret girlfriend or something?"

Mary sputtered. "That's impossible!"

"Why? What do you think happened to him?" Anne asked.

The scientist threw up her hands. "I don't know, maybe he was banished to another dimension or something."

"Wow! Here I thought Bob only hired sane people for his stupid 'labs'!" Armald exclaimed.

Anne rolled her eyes. "Not to put to fine a point on it, Mary, but that was a pretty wild idea."

"You work in an underground facility where an Artificial Intelligence trying to take over is no big deal! Why is another dimension such a crazy concept?"

"That's different. I've been here since the start, and I saw this place get built. I've never seen another dimension. Always thought multiverse theory was a load of hooey."

"What if it's not? What if a denizen of this other universe was here under our noses all along, hiding from the cameras, and we didn't know about it because Mr. Olde tried to cover it up?"

Allen glanced nervously over his shoulder. "I don't like the sound of that," he grimaced.

"I have to say, that does sound...like a good idea for a horror movie!" Anne laughed. Everyone else joined in.

Mary grumbled. "Horror movies can have truth to them..."

After everyone had finished expressing their mirth, Anne finally took control of the meeting again. "Alright, alright. Now, who has a real idea about where Mr. Olde could be?"

Allen raised his hand. "What if he was kidnapped or something?"

***

What I wouldn't give to be kidnapped right about now. At least then I would be on a planet, air would be taken for granted, and of course I wouldn't have to deal with the piercing glare of Twilight's perilously finite magic. It is difficult to see any sort of light when one has a bag over one's head.

"Got any bright ideas?" Twilight repeats. This must be the fifth time she's made a pun about light without noticing. I am, needless to say, annoyed.

"As of yet, I still cannot think of a way out of this situation, unless Celestia burrows out of the inside of this rock and spirits us all away."

Twilight groans. "I hope she will too, but sometimes she takes this 'hooves-off' approach to things..."

I look over at the flageye, which is breathing, at least. The small creature is only here due to my own justifiable actions. "By hooves-off, do you mean she vanishes without a trace for days on end?"

"Actually, yeah. How did you know?"

"Does she stay locked up in her palace, never solving problems directly?"

"That's a rude way of putting it, but kind of..."

"Does she go to the bar instead of inspecting the latest prototype? Does she ignore all the reports to focus on her hobby? Does she have unrealistic expectations of how quickly her scientists can work?"

Twilight moves closer to me. "It sounds like you're talking about yourself."

I shrug, averting my gaze from her horn, which glimmers in the starlight. "I am starting to realize that I may not be perfect."

"If my friend Rainbow Dash was here, I bet she'd say 'Took you long enough!' or something."

"She sounds like someone-"

"-somepony-"

"-somepony who isn't afraid to say what she thinks. I need more people like that working for me."

"I swear, if you're about to offer me a job..."

"Certainly not. You have a duty to your many subjects that I cannot ignore."

"I don't actually...do much for my 'subjects.'"

"I'm sure they're always calling you up to deal with some issue or another. It must be like running a successful Fortune Nine Hundred company."

"Not many ponies have phones in Ponyville. I think Filthy Rich tried to start a phone company, but he wanted to charge too much and Mayor Mare stopped him."

"We were about to become a Fortune Five Hundred company, but then my brother took over..."

"It's kind of strange. Maybe I should have been the one who decided on that. There's nothing more friendly than calling up a friend on the phone."

"Now that I think of it, I can't recall the last time I spoke with him in person."

"My friends at Canterlot High had these amazing little contraptions called smart phones. Sunset Shimmer used them to break friendships...Hm."

I panic as her horn's glow starts to dim. "Twilight, keep casting that spell!" She looks to be staring into space again. The smell of my own breath grows thick in the air, and breathing becomes more difficult. I take one large, deep, shuddering breath and scream.

This finally startles her enough to brighten her horn once more. A single bead of sweat appears on her temple. "Help," she says.

"How?"

She winces. "We're going to have to touch horns."

I shrug. "Very well then." I move closer, keeping my eyes on my horn.

"Just...channel magic through it," she mumbles, "I'll be able to sense your reserves and draw on them while we come up with a way out of this."

I do so. "How long will we have, if neither of us thinks of anything?" Her face looks very purple up close, and shockingly alien.

She furrows her brow briefly. "About two hours." Our horns touch. Not much of anything happens, aside from a brief shock similar in sensation to static electricity. I close my eyes to focus on a sense I'm still not used to, that of magic. I visualize my power as a gray star, pulsating with energy. Twilight's magic hums nearby, strong and wild and intricate. It is admirably orderly, consisting mainly of pipes in a grid that shift in time with her breath. "I'm going to establish a one way arcane pathway," she says. "When I'm done, send as much magic as you can spare through it. There's more to it, but do you understand?"

"I believe so," I reply. A pipe constructs itself towards my magic, moving smoothly. I focus more on it and discover that the outer shell protects a thick core of instructions, which leave room for a narrow pathway in the center. It creates a reverberating thud when it reaches its destination. My heart skips a beat for some reason. I hope I don't have arrhythmia. The pipe passively pulls in a tiny trickle of magic, and I delicately increase it.

"The pathway can handle more than that," Twilight tells me, "I reinforced it just in case."

"Excellent." I push more and more magic into the pathway. It's impossible to describe what this feels like. Wiggling one's nose? That was a weak attempt. Lifting a fifty pound package with one's eyelids? I may be good at marketing, but I'd make a lousy poet. The star shrinks, which I feel more than visualize.

Twilight sighs. "Okay! Now that I can focus again, I've got an idea."

"What is it?"

"We can just fix that machine! It can't be that hard, can it?"

"It can, actually. It was designed and manufactured by an unknown entity, presumably the Monitor, which means that the design documentation is inaccessible."

"Then we'll just see what the inner workings are and fix whatever's broken! What do you expect to be inside?"

Working collaboratively is vital here. "The motherboard handles local processing, I believe."

"Okay, what else?"

"Hmmm. Well, I suppose a cooling system would be needed. We used liquid in the original."

"Alright, I'm picking that up."

What does she mean by that? I continue to channel magic, opening my eyes. Hers are closed in concentration. "Are you scanning the interior somehow?"

"Yeah. There are two flat pieces of material connected to each other by a wire, and a sort of tube of liquid that probably pumps around to disperse heat."

"Theoretically, the second board could provide dimension-jumping capabilities," I say.

"Oh!"

"What is it?" I ask. She sounds excited.

"I just have to reconnect the power!" she exclaims. Thank goodness, I truthfully do not know all that much about computers, especially those designed by another computer. I hear the prototype's familiar starting beeps. "What!" Twilight cries.

"Do not be alarmed, it is merely his starting up indicator," I reassure her.

"But look!"

"Very well," I heed her stipulation. The spine that bisects its body is unlit, and though its metal eye glows a usual light blue, the simple fact is that a chatterbox such as this would never remain silent for so long. "We should turn it off and on," I state boldly.

"You really think that would help?"

"I do indeed. After all, I function much better after a good night's sleep, why should a computer be any different?"

She gives me a look. "Computers are completely different," she deadpans. I smirk. She rolls her eyes and the prototype turns off and on again.

"I'm back!" he shouts, "What did I miss?"

Author's Note

Edited 8/23/2020 for tenses at the end.

The Neverending Abyss

Chapter Nineteen: The Neverending Abyss

"We're momentarily trapped on this comet, but seeing as how you've joined us, I don't anticipate the situation continuing," I explain.

"It feels like someone's been rummaging around in my body. Was it you?" the prototype asks accusingly.

"No, it was me," Twilight elucidates.

"Did he ask you to sign an NDA?"

"What's that?"

I cannot allow this conversation to continue. The last thing I need is Celestia badgering me about ponies discovering non-disclosure agreements due to my prescence. "NDAs aside, can you get us back to Equestria?"

The prototype blinks. "Maybe, but didn't you want to go home?" Twilight looks at me expectantly.

"We have to drop off the princess of friendship first," I rationalize, "she could be quite detrimental to normal lab operations."

She grins. "Plus, if you leave I'll just track you down again." I shrug, this time maintaining my balance. Her expression changes to one of worry. "We should hurry. I'm running out of magic faster than I thought. This spell has a recursive loop in it."

"Ah yes, a recursive loop," I pretend to understand.

"Normally, I would've triple-checked for them while writing it, but we needed it right away."

"I did my best with your loony friend havering on!" the prototype says defensively.

I check the flageye, which remains unconscious. "This time, we shall all be completely silent, including those of us who speak only in one word." Twilight closes her eyes to focus on the spell, and the monitor spins as I hold him in place. He seems to be exercising more caution, and to my relief there is no yellow light emanating from his spikes. The shield around us dims slightly before brightening significantly. I hope silently to myself that neither magic nor science fail us.

***

"You ever hear the story of Rip Van Winkle?" Ritornello asked suddenly. Aria slowly opened one eye.

"No," she replied, closing it. The manticore frowned at her.

"They say that he went on a hike into the mountains and met some old ponies who loved bowling."

"I didn't say I wanted to hear it," the siren groaned, stretching her tail out from under the covers and rolling out of her bed. Ritornello followed her out of the room and down the hallway.

"I just want to return the favor!" she stressed as they headed towards the stairs. Aria snorted. "You told such lovely stories about your time on earth, and I'd feel awful if I didn't give you a few from Equestria to take back!"

"I get it. Not this early."

"Fine," Ritornello muttered as they arrived at the bar.

"Coffee," Aria requisitioned. The bartender looked up from his want ads.

"Been no coffee since the leavening. Use sandwater instead. It'll wake you up just fine," he assured. Aria nodded blankly and held out her hoof. Ritornello passed her two goldos. The bartender's wizened claws placed their mugs of sandwater on the table. The siren paid for the drinks and mechanically took a large sip.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!" she bellowed, looking frantically for a keg of milk. The griffin either chortled or coughed heartily. Ritornello dashed around to aid her friend's doomed search.

***

"Nous avons attendu Twilight pour plus d'un jour! Nous exigeons une réunion tout de suite!"

"I understand that you're frustrated," Spike claimed, holding up his hands, "but I can't schedule any meetings until she gets back."

"Mark my words, young dragon," the princess of Prance growled, "there shall be a reckoning for this mistreatment!"

***

"You're absolutely sure this will work?" Mary asked. The SECRETARY sent a gif of a violently nodding cartoon character to the terminal.

"I've double and triple checked this design for any flaws. It will locate Mr. Olde and teleport you straight to him," the SECRETARY assured.

"Good luck," Anne said.

"I still think I should do it," Armald sulked.

"I just know you'll make it back safe," Allen predicted. Bill waved.

Mary pulled the controller out of the backpack-shaped teleporter. "Okay. It's as easy as pressing a button." And she did.

***

Rainbow shouted. "Just let me carry you back! Everyone gets lost sometimes!"

"Fine!" Dawn yelled. She glared at the hedges like they were insulting her personally.

"Fine!" Rainbow Dash retorted. She then picked up the aquamarine pony and flew her back towards the castle.

***

"Birds! I don't like 'em anymore!" Applejack panted as she and the others ran through the blue forests.

"I'm sure...he's just...hungry," Fluttershy protested.

Pinkie shuddered mid-bounce. "Birds shouldn't have that many legs!"

Luna called out from the distance. "I'll hold it off! Just keep looking! They must be on this planet!"

***

The monitor's glow is too bright to look at. As Twilight's horn is the same in that respect, I have resolved to close my eyes and hope the Flageye remains still. Suddenly, I hear a jolt of electricity. I chance a look only to see Mary for a split second. Then we are gone.

Author's Note

Updated December 15, 2020 with a title at the top.

The Ending Mountain

Chapter Twenty: The Ending Mountain

"Robert!" Mary exclaimed.

"Emergency life-support systems engaged," the teleporter reported. A bubble of pink material quickly formed, trapping some of the remaining oxygen and adding its own. "Estimated time until death: 1 hour."

"That's very helpful," the scientist sighed.

***

Luna soared past the many-legged bird. It passed her moments later in a pursuit gone wrong. With a roar, the bird spun wildly in the air. The night princess dove towards the canopy, magic spiraling from her horn into the trees. As the monster approached, she triumphantly pointed her face at it. A wall of leaves surrounded the beast. Luna quickly teleported to join the others. "That's how you fight a bird!" she said triumphantly.

"Sorry, I din't see nothin'. Too busy running."

"It's going to be okay, right?"

"I thought you were cool!"

"Thank you, Pinkie."

***

The air around the fountain sizzles, and ponies look on in slight amazement as the Princess of Friendship appears with several guests in tow. A few stomp their hooves in recognition of the feat. "We're finally back," she sighs. I do the same, though my utterance is more melancholy. "Cheer up! We can go to the boutique and finally get you a suit," she offers. I start walking.

"Very well. It will certainly make my time here more bearable. You'd best return to the castle, a rest is well deserved." I levitate the monitor prototype, but it suddenly stops.

"I'll rest when this guy is banished, then thrown into a dungeon in the place where he's banished to! Clearly you can't be trusted."

"Flag flag!"

"You were supposed to be on my side," I complain to the flageye. "Alright, you may banish prototype 626."

"No you may not! I've never been in a dungeon, and I don't care to change that!" the prototype protests. He seems unaware of his lack of agency. I grudgingly let go and head towards the boutique. Twilight follows after me, but I pay her no mind in my malaise.

***

Rarity woke up with a perfectly practiced ladylike yawn. "Goodness," she remarked sleepily, "has it really been a whole day?" Rainbow and Dawn walked into the throne room.

"You slept on the floor?" the pegasus inquired.

The unicorn huffed. "I certainly wasn't about to abandon my friends, unlike a somepony I could mention!"

"I haven't even known her a week!"

"Excuses excuses-" Rarity stopped. "Oh that's right, my apologies, miss..."

"Dawn! Dawn Twinkle!"

"There's no need to shout," she reproached.

"Je suis furieuse! Mon ami noveau...I don't even know where he is, and there's nothing I can do to get him back!" Dawn exclaimed.

"I'm sure your friend wants to see you again," Rarity placated, "he'll be back quite soon."

"Whoever he is..." Rainbow promised softly. Somepony knocked at the door.

***

"Sorry, since the leavening we've been limiting customers to one glass," the milk cart griffin explained, "we just don't make enough money charging these prices to pay our staff for full shifts."

"That's great, but I need more milk!" Aria shouted. "I can still feel it on my tongue!"

"Sandwater, huh? Let me check with my manager," he sighed, pulling a tarp over the cart and locking it. "Don't even think about stealing it!" he yelled as he flew away. As soon as he was gone, Ritornello emerged from the inn.

"So, did the milk help?" she asked. Aria glared at her. "What?"

"He gave me this tiny glass of milk, and I didn't even get to keep the glass!"

"Sounds like the griffins are in a bad economic situation. Want to take a trip to their central bank and find out more?"

Aria groaned. "I want a million glasses of milk. Maybe the bank can give me money to buy them."

Ritornello shrugged. "Maybe the sandwater will wear off by the time they're done explaining what's going on." She set off, and the siren followed.

"Why do you care so much about the griffins? They aren't exactly...friendly."

Ritornello waved at the street urchin from yesterday, who waved back with aplomb. "They're just like ponies! There are good ones and bad ones."

"Sure, but if you help all of them, the bad ones don't deserve it." Aria glanced at a shop window, where empty mannequins surrounded one wearing a threadbare straw hat. Ritornello didn't say anything for a moment; the only sound was her thudding footsteps on the cobblestone.

"They might not," she conceded, "but it's enough for me to hope that my help will make them think about being better griffins." Aria thought about that. She watched her hooves on the pavement for a while, then looked up at the clear blue sky. When she looked down, the street urchin was waving at her again. She stopped walking and waved back hesitantly. They kept walking.

Aria hummed. "Being better...wait!" They stopped. "We've passed that shop before! I recognize the hat on that mannequin!"

"I don't really know where the griffin central bank is," the manticore conceded.

"Why didn't you say so?" the urchin chirped. "Just take Pyrite street until you reach Baker's lane, then take a left. You can't miss it!" Ritornello covered her mouth with both paws. Aria raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, thanks kid. Give him another goldo," she said. The young griffin beamed at them.

"You guys are the best!" he squeaked, skipping away.

Aria smiled. "Nothing bad has happened. You could stand to loosen up a little bit, Ritornello."

Her friend shook her head. "If you were raised by manticores you would understand," she whispered.

"Why don't you guys talk or have names, anyway?"

"It's a long story. I'll tell you another time."

"Alright, but I won't forget!" Aria promised. They walked down Pyrite street, which was lined with shops selling strange curios. One shop was entirely dedicated to pocket watches, while another promised wealth and good fortune through the use of magic crystals. A few barkers promised fabulous success from under their awnings, but their seminars looked far too pricey to be worth it. The intersection with Baker's lane was notably crowded. Griffins stood in lines out the door of every bakery, and bread-related seminars were likewise packed. Each bakery was more ostentatious than the last as they headed towards a roundabout with a modest two story building in the middle. Compared to the golden gargoyles standing watch at Galen's Gruel across the street, it looked downright shabby. Tiny circular windows were set on either side of an unassuming wooden door whose whorls and lines were clearly visible through a thin layer of paint, somewhat resembling a shocked old face. A sign propped up next to the door subtly stated Griffonstone Central Bank. "What a dump," Aria commented. Ritornello sighed and pushed open the door with a creak.

"Welcome to the Griffonstone Central Bank, where official interviews are granted by appointment only. We do not offer loans to the general public. Neither bread nor goldos," an exhausted looking griffin with maroon plumage said from behind a slipshod wooden desk.

Aria stuck her head through the door frame, but the rest of her wouldn't fit. "I want to make an appointment." The griffin looked up in shock. Eyes wide, he frantically dug through the mass of paper on his desk for something.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah. I'm basically free all day, what about you?"

"You wouldn't be interviewing me," the clerk snorted, "I just schedule everything. You want to talk to Gerben Golem, the head of the bank." He pulled out a planner and flipped through it. "Looks like he's got a cancellation...right now. I'll see if he wants to speak with you." The griffin walked up the stairs.

Ritornello grinned. "I can't wait! You have to ask all my questions, it's just so interesting what's going on here. We've never had an economic crisis like this back home."

Aria sighed. "Fine, grab some scratch paper from his desk and write 'em down." The manticore glared at her. "Okay, I'll ask for some scratch paper when he gets back."

"Now you're getting it," she smiled. They heard the clerk's uneven footsteps on the squeaking stairs. His front talons clicked and scratched, while his back paws padded pleasantly. After he reached the bottom, a second griffin began to descend as well. Ritornello caught Aria's eye and gestured towards the desk.

"Oh, right. Can I get some paper and a...quill?" the siren asked. The clerk nodded, pulling both from his desk and giving them to her. She passed them to the manticore, who began frantically scribbling. The next griffin to come down the stairs looked wildly between them, before glaring at the clerk.

"Why are there a couple of monsters in our lobby?" Gerben Golem asked.

"It would be most unprofessional to turn away any creature who wants to learn about our role in the economy of Griffonstone," he replied.

"Could you not call us monsters?" Aria added.

"You can talk?!" Gerben shouted shrilly. The clerk sighed. "How did you know I had a cancellation?" the banker demanded.

"I asked for an appointment?"

"Alright, alright, I give up! Ask your questions," Gerben entreated, sinking to the floor. Ritornello passed Aria the paper. The siren read the first question aloud.

"What happened when griffins discovered the method for turning gold into food?"

"A better question would be what didn't happen," Gerben growled. "First the bright bird who came up with it started selling lessons for outrageous prices. That's not unusual. Then most of his students started up their own courses in secret, charging just a little bit less. By the time the teacher found out it was too late. Griffins all over the kingdom were turning their gold into bread, and it looked like our bakeries were going to go out of business." Ritornello nudged Aria and whispered in her ear.

"You don't seem to have that problem anymore," Aria repeated.

"No, the bakery crisis was solved, if nothing else," he huffed. "One of the bakers hatched the idea of converting griffins' money for a small fee. With our currency constantly gaining value due to increased scarcity, those small fees piled up quickly. Other bakers soon followed. Meanwhile, I had to deal with the logistics of designing and issuing smaller denominations."

"Sucks for you!" Aria gloated. She winced at Ritornello's glare. "I mean, I'm sorry that happened to you?" The manticore grinned.

"Thanks," Gerben grunted.

Aria looked back at the paper. "What is the smallest fraction of one goldo that currently has its own coin?"

"You ever try and get a bunch of griffins to say one three-hundred-thirteenth?"

"No?"

"We had to invent new units just to make things easier to keep track of," he elucidated. "One goldo is one hundred silveros. One silvero is one hundred bronzeos."

"Let me guess, one bronzo is one hundred nicklos."

"No, one hundred nicklos is a gimme, don't be ridiculous."

"But at the tollbooth yesterday, she asked for half a goldo. Why not use silveros?" Aria wondered.

Gerben shrugged. "Just because there's an official name for something, it doesn't mean all the griffins will use it. They're too busy destroying value to listen to me. Even the bankers I meet with don't listen. If the griffins who work across the street from me don't use my units, how can I expect the ones across the city to be any better?"

"There are banks across the street? I thought they were bakeries," Ritornello said.

"No, those are bankeries," Gerben replied absently. Aria raised an eyebrow. Ritornello shrank into the floor. Gerben looked between them in confusion. The building creaked. "A talking manticore?!"

Author's Note

"The Everfree Forest wasn't always as small as it is now. Long ago, we negotiated with the ponies from a position of strength: our territory stretched from coast to coast, and they needed a home beyond the first town they'd founded. We granted them a parcel of coastline under the condition that they find ways to support more ponies in one city. That's why Manehattan has so many skyscrapers. Celestia and Luna promised they wouldn't expand unreasonably. It was a promise that they kept, but that city didn't spring up overnight. Construction on the first buildings took long enough that impatient ponies struck out on their own, building Fillydelphia and Baltimare in open defiance of the agreement. The princesses called a summit, and we struck another agreement. They could keep their cities, but only if the boundaries were clearly marked and never built past. Then ponies broke that agreement. We could not win in a direct confrontation with the alicorns, and had almost lost hope when Starswirl the Bearded came up with a magical solution. He planted a set of powerful enchanted stones at the boundaries of our largest city that would cause others to invent excuses to never settle too close. Thus, we too became acquainted with space-saving city planning out of necessity. To keep the spell effective, we don't speak to outsiders, and instead of names we receive designations based on our place of birth and residence."

Chapter Twenty-Two

You were only talking to me

The manticore said nothing

My song is in key

"Crap, what rhymes with nothing?" Aria digressed. "Bluffing?"

Ritornello held up her paws. "Wait, don't brainwash them!" The clerk and Gerben were staring into space with a green glow circling their irises. Aria shifted in the door frame.

"Why not?"

The manticore's tail twitched this way and that. "Well..."

"You're the one who didn't want anybody else to know you could talk!" Aria pointed out.

"But they were being so friendly and helpful!"

"I guess it's your call," the siren said, and she sang again.

I didn't sing and hypnotize you

But Ritornello talked that's true

"Who's Ritornello?" the clerk questioned, blinking rapidly.

"Ritornello is-" Frantic gestures from the manticore. "Uh, it doesn't matter." Gerben stared at his claws in astonishment.

"Genbur, look at this!" the griffin gasped. "My talons!"

Genbur glanced over. "Nothing's wrong with your talons."

"I know! Look how they're...moving though!"

Aria cut in. "What are you guys doing to like, fix the crisis?"

Gerben reluctantly looked up. "Whenever we try to issue more currency through other banks, they turn us down. Their incentive is to keep things the same so they can continue to profit. If enough griffins had coins that weren't made of gold, the conversions at the bankeries wouldn't be as much of an issue."

Genbur snorted. "Good luck finding a way to sway the behavior of a massive group of griffins though. You'd need to practically mind control them!"

"Too bad that will never happen," Aria said dryly. Ritornello put her face in her paws.

"We could try to get help from the Equestrians," Gerben proposed, "but they're too nice. The Prench are too nasty to help us, especially for a currency they can't exchange."

"I heard a rogue magician escaped from their Academie Surnaturel. Maybe we could find them."

"How about a concert from a super talented singer that only accepts silveros for the cover charge?" Aria suggested.

"Griffins don't really do concerts," Genbur pointed out, "singing is more of a pony thing."

"It was a siren thing, before that mess with Starswirl," Aria grumbled.

"Everygriff would probably run in terror if you tried to perform."

"I'm getting a little sick of being treated like a weird outsider monster! At least in the human world I could go undercover!"

"The human world?" Gerben chuckled, "I'm sorry, but even out of the mouth of an actual siren traveling with a real live manticore, that's got to be the most absurd thing I've ever heard!" A low hum filled the central bank. The griffins eyed Aria nervously. "Please don't destroy me with your musical powers," Gerben croaked.

"That's not me," Aria said, looking to Ritornello. The manticore shook her head. There was a flash, and Mary popped into the air above the desk. Bengur yelped in shock. The human fell into the mess of papers.

"Ow," she said into a sheet for converting gimmes into goldos.

"A real human?! Can this day get any weirder?" Genbur wondered.

His boss shook him by the shoulders. "Don't tempt fate like that!"

"Don't worry, I'm okay," Mary said, getting off the desk and trying to stand up. She was a bit taller than Aria, so the ceiling got in the way.

Aria's eyes widened. "There's a way to get here in human form? How did you do it lady?"

"The name's Mary. And the answer to that is...science."

"Just science?"

"Yes, science. Where's Robert Olde?"

"How am I supposed to know that?"

The scientist sighed. "I guess it was a bit of a leap to expect you to have even met one person in a world as big as this one."

"Oh I met him. I just don't know where he went. He stinks at playing the kazoo," Aria said, edging out of the door frame slightly.

Mary laughed. "That's true, he doesn't have a musical bone in his body. He wouldn't know a good song if it bit him on the ear!" The siren pulled herself all the way out of the door, and the scientist ducked through. Ritornello followed.

"Hey, what about our meeting?" Gerben hollered.

"She knows science," Aria shouted back, "we'll just use that to fix your economy."

"What's your name?" Mary asked.

"Oh, I'm Aria Blaze. This is Ritornello." The manticore waved. Mary waved back hesitantly.

"What a lovely stinger you have."

"Thank you."

"Did she just-"

"Don't mention it."

***

"The first petitioner for Day Court is ready," Raven Inkwell said as she walked into the throne room. Rarity gasped.

"Good heavens! Do you girls know what this means?"

Rainbow Dash shrugged. "Celestia is catching some z's?"

"We should leave before they try to sentence me?" Dawn said shrilly, her eyes darting.

"The princess rises at dawn," Raven stated, "it's one of her duties."

"With the Princesses indisposed, the Elements of Harmony are the next highest authority! We get to hold court!" Rarity exclaimed. She hopped onto Celestia's throne and grinned from ear to ear.

Raven raised an eyebrow. "All three and a half of them?"

"Twilight is on the trail of that ruffian, Olde. Luna and the girls are tracking Twilight, and I don't even know where Celestia's gotten off to," Rarity ticked off.

"When you put it like that, they all sound pretty irresponsible," Rainbow said slowly.

Dawn sagged with relief. "I'm glad no princesses are around to punish me for my crimes."

"Dude," Rainbow put a hoof on her shoulder, "what did you even do?"

"I ran away."

Rarity blinked. "Darling, if running away were a crime a lot more ponies would be in jail. You mustn't worry about that now. Compose yourselves, both of you." At this Rainbow tilted her head in confusion. "We are holding court!"

"I'll get the noble," Raven called over her shoulder as she exited the room.

"Rainbow Dash, you can have Luna's throne." The pegasus flew to it and lounged. "Dawn, you may stand to our right." The earth pony went where she was bid. "We're ready!" Rarity called. Séparés Cheveux stormed in.

"Where is the princess?!" she roared. Dawn slowly moved behind the throne.

"I do believe some decorum is in order," Rarity primly proposed.

"It feels like I haven't seen Princess Twilight in four years! She said Equestria would help us track down a felon!"

"I'm sure it wasn't that long," Rarity reasoned, "most ponies can find a court date within at least nine months."

"I am not most ponies! I am above them, as every princess should be! You will help me find the convict, or Prance will stop trading with Equestria!"

"Chillax," Rainbow piped up, "we can't help you find somepony if we don't know their name or cutie mark." The Prench princess took a few deep calming breaths.

"Clone Troisième," Cheveux finally replied.

"Doesn't ring a bell," the pegasus shrugged.

"Spike was telling me about one of his comic books the other day. There was a character in it called Cone Clone, whose power was making duplicates of ice cream cones appear out of thin air," Rarity mused.

"I know the word troisième. That's what they call a bronze medal in Prench," Rainbow guffawed, "they sure got a lot of those at the last international games!"

"The details aren't important," the princess put in tersely, "just tell your guards to be on the lookout for an aquamarine earth pony."

"The only mare I know of that description is...Dawn Twinkle," Rarity responded. She looked at Séparés Cheveux, then at the back of the throne.

"Yeah, but Dawn isn't guilty of anything," Rainbow ruled out.

"That's right!" Rarity hurriedly yelped, "It couldn't be her, so we'll tell the guards to search for her. Er, the clone, that is. Thank you for coming to Day Court. Goodbye!"

"Attendez! That name sounds familiar," she pondered, "I believe I read about an incident this pony caused some time ago. She arrived from another world and stole the element of magic, correct?"

"Nah, that was Sunset Shimmer."

"It confused us at the time parce que notre royal translator gave the same first name to Princess Twilight and the villain Shimmer."

"Yes, well, coincidences like that are bound to happen every so often!" Rarity said with a duplicitous laugh, "I wouldn't read too much into it if I were you. What's that I hear? Raven is about to bring in our next petitioner?"

"Nopony else is here yet," the advisor called across the hall.

"Is there something behind your throne?" the Prench Princess asked.

"No, nothing's behind my throne, I was just making sure the...finish hadn't peeled."

"Are you okay Rarity?" Rainbow Dash questioned.

She shook her head. "As a matter a fact, I am unfortunately feeling a bit under the weather at the moment, so we shall have to resume our discussion at a later date."

"Certainement," Cheveux said, "I'm sure you won't mind if I look. Since there is, as you say, nothing there, it won't take long at all."

"Rainbow can check for you! She's the fastest flier in Equestria! Show her!" Rarity cried. Her friend gave her a long look. They came to an understanding, and the pegasus shrugged. Then she jumped into the air and looped the throne room in a flash. She began looping faster and faster, creating a rainbow tornado and bursting out of the top before floating gently to the ground. Séparés Cheveux stomped her hooves in appreciation.

"Thank you! Let me just check the thrones for you," Dash pointed herself at the thrones. She waited a second. "Yup, nothing back there. Betcha didn't even see me move!"

"I didn't! I truly didn't!" Séparés Cheveux whispered in awe. "I'll be back," she promised as she left. The doors closed with a heavy thump.

"Is she gone?" Dawn whispered.

"Wait just one more moment, dear."

"I don't really get what the big deal is," Rainbow Dash said at normal volume, "Dawn didn't do anything wrong."

"She's looking for the third clone Rainbow," Rarity shout-whispered, "don't you understand?"

"In case you've forgotten, I'm not some super-sleuth detective like you."

"Combien..." Dawn murmured. "Do I have another sister who escaped?"

"A clone is a copy though. You don't look anything like Sunset, hay, she was a unicorn! Not to mention she's been around for much longer than Twilight."

"Oh," Dawn looked at the ground.

"Duplicating a living organism shouldn't even be possible!" Rarity said obliviously, "You'd have to focus the power of tens of unicorns into one tiny point to even come close."

The earth pony looked up. "Exactement. Prench spellcasting is all about group efforts. That's why they wanted multiple powerful ponies working together on the project."

"What project?" Rainbow wanted to know.

"They only told me so much. It all started with the taxation of trade routes. Those no-good Griffins wanted to charge outrageous tariffs on their spellcrafting reagents; they claimed we were using too many of them for 'something shady.' With the flow of goods between Griffonstone and Prance diminished, the two nations found a reliable trade partner in Equestria. Your princess was always friendly and fair. Unfortunately you didn't have enough wizards to fully supply Prance's magicians with the most powerful artifacts, so the Academie Surnaturel was founded to study magic item creation and create the innovations we needed to leverage group spellcasting into an effective tool for mass production," Dawn lectured.

"Why does Prance need magical items so bad?" Rainbow asked, "For a lot of things tech is better. I can fly faster than a train, but my friends can't so we take it to our adventures."

"We're too far away to benefit from such things," Dawn frowned, "and magic suffices for our every need. You can only imagine my shock when I got here and couldn't take a teleportation stone to any major city."

"That's all very well and good darling, but what happened to the first two clones?"

"As far as I know, Veranda View is still trapped at the Academie. She doesn't see it as the prison it is for us clones. They always called me Clone Deuxième, but it sounds like I'm really the third clone."

"Phew," Rainbow said, "that's a lot to take in. We need to get this info to Twilight. Rares, can you send a letter through Spike?"

"I can try," the unicorn balked, "but we'll need to write out our message first. If anything goes wrong it will be some time before I can try again."

"You've got this," Rainbow said optimistically.

***

Spike closed Power Ponies: Revengeance Volume 5 for the third time, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. He'd finished all the chores hours ago. The castle was very large, quite empty, and entirely too quiet. "There's nothing to do," he told himself. With a heavy sigh Spike hopped onto the floor and headed out of his room. His footsteps echoed as he took the well-traveled route to the front door. He was a few feet away when it suddenly opened and Twilight walked in. "Twilight! You're back!" Spike excitedly rushed towards her for a hug. "How was your trip? Did you find Mr. Olde?"

"Oh, she found him alright," the prototype said, floating in the princess' magic. "Dragged all of us back here after a stern talking-to. Say hello, Flageye."

"Flageye! Flag flag," the creature said, holding its eyes out to shake.

Spike held the horseshoe shaped appendage delicately. "Nice to meet you, Flageye."

"He's just going down to Rarity's for a suit, then we'll be having dinner here," Twilight said, continuing to walk further into the castle.

"I can bake some fresh bread if you take care of the salad! Big Mac dropped off some Zap Apple jam a while back, and dimension-jumping on an adventure is definitely a special occasion."

"You didn't already know how to travel the universe?" the prototype asked.

Twilight shook her head. "I had to look in a book."

"How old-fashioned," he said snobbishly, "I downloaded the information directly to my hard drive."

"What's a hard drive?" Spike wondered as they entered the kitchen.

"It's where my memories are stored. I also have a solid state drive for my most frequently accessed files, and random access memory for things that are vital to keep in mind."

"Twilight, you didn't tell me Mr. Olde built a robot!"

"As far as I know, the one he built built this one," Twilight stated, "he really didn't seem to know much when we tried to fix him."

"He didn't build anything," the prototype corrected, "he just budgeted for it. Mary's the one who did all the work." Twilight opened the cabinets and placed a salad mixing bowl on the counter next to some bread-making supplies for Spike. The counter was perfectly suited to the two of them working together, with one side at his height and the other at hers.

Spike shrugged. "Budgeting is important too. In The Infamous Supertron volume two, the robot stopped working until her paycheck arrived. Saddle Rager had to save the day all by herself!"

"I kind of wish I got paid. Maybe I could get a squirrel feeder to watch from my porch!"

"Flageye?"

"I don't see why not."

"What's Flageye saying?" Spike queried as he mixed dough.

"Not a clue, but I generated the most likely response from the context of our prior conversations."

"What if your guess was wrong?"

"Then Flageye doesn't want to sit on the porch with me and watch squirrels."

Spike raised his eyebrows. "I hope you were right."

"It seemed far less likely for Flageye to say 'I am going on tour with my fave band am!'"

"Flag flag," the creature said, shaking its eyes.

The prototype blinked. "Yes. I think that means I was right." Spike was about to interject again when he felt a familiar feeling rising deep in his belly. The dragon quickly pointed his head at the ceiling, and in a belch of fire he spat out a message. He then coughed out some blue sparks.

"That's never happend before," Twilight noted, "you feeling okay?"

"Does anypony else smell Rarity?" The prototype rolled his eye. "Twilight?" Said pony was already halfway through reading the message, eyebrows furrowed in concentration. The flageye sniffed deeply.

"Flag flag flageye!" it shouted.

"Thanks," Spike sighed, "I thought I might be smelling things."

Legally Distinct but Functionally Identical

"I have to get to Canterlot at once!" Twilight said as the missive fell to the ground. "As soon as Mr. Olde gets back send him straight to bed. Same for his companions."

"I don't usually sleep on a schedule," the prototype pointed out. Flageye began to snore obnoxiously next to him. "I can certainly sleep better than him."

Spike groaned. "You just got back! Can't we at least have dinner?"

She grimaced. "Sorry Spike, we'll have to make up for it later." With that, she hugged him goodbye and teleported away. The dragon sighed and went back to the counter. He began to knead the dough once more with a frown. Flageye stopped snoring, and watched the hypnotic movements of the pasty ball. Eventually, Spike judged it to be ready for the next step, and set it up to rise. He washed his claws and walked over to the two guests. "Could I go on an adventure with you?" Spike asked.

"Sure, where did you have in mind?" Prototype 626 asked gamely. The dragon thought for a bit. He glanced at Flageye. Flageye stared back at him. "Go ahead, take your time," the prototype sniped, "it's not like we have 90 seconds until Mr. Olde stops us or anything!" His spikes began to glow.

"Someplace weird," Spike finally said.

The prototype rolled his eye. "Someplace weird, coming up. Make sure you're touching me before I vanish."

"Flageye?"

"Wouldn't dream of leaving you behind, little buddy!"

***

Perspicuity's home was situated between rolling hills of grain, a few miles away from the center of town. His secret was safe out here, and he could burn as much gas as he wanted without anyone noticing. If he needed to survive for hours on his electric reserves it was possible, and this way they would never see his emissions as long as he left town before nightfall. "Alright, it's time," Perspicuity told himself. His engine roared all the way up the hill, then he glided down the other side; he could charge his reserves by about a quarter on the way down each hill. At the bottom of the fourth, Perspicuity smelled ozone and backed away from it slowly. In a flash, three aliens appeared in front of him. He raised his eyebrows.

"Hi, I'm Spike!" the scaly one said, holding out a claw to shake. Perspicuity's mother always said not to be rude, so he silently held out a wheel. "We got a friendly one!"

"Lucky," the metal one grumbled.

"Flageye flag eye flag flag eye flageye," the stereotypical alien among their number interjected.

"Alright. Greetings! I am Prototype 626, but you can call me Barley!"

"Flageye!" At this, Perspicuity raised his eyebrows higher, then passed out. "Flag!"

Spike shook his head. "No, you weren't the most frightening. It was Barley!"

"Says the guy with sharp teeth and claws!"

"Flag?"

"The alien will be fine," Spike reasoned. "We just have to hide before they come to." He walked out into the field, dragging the prototype behind him. Flageye followed.

626 focused on the grain around them. "Hey, we're walking through my namesake!"

Spike shrugged. "Why did you pick that name anyways?"

Barley sighed. "It's been too long since I saw any nature, and I wanted to get back to my roots."

"Flag," Flageye said flatly.

"There's no such thing as a bad pun!" Barley said. Behind them, Perspicuity crept forward with a soft whirring sound. He couldn't believe what he'd seen. He had to make sure they were real. "Wow, that alien woke up fast!" Said alien froze.

"What do you mean?" Spike asked.

"It's rich of you to call me an alien!" Perspicuity exclaimed as he burst out of the barley. "You're the ones without any wheels!"

"We come from a world where nobody sentient has wheels, actually," Barley explained.

"Flageye!"

"I was going to elaborate! Spike here lives in a land of ponies and other mythical creatures, Flageye is from a cave I found on my adventures, and I'm from a place where cars like you don't think at all." Perspicuity fainted again. Spike gave Barley a look.

"Don't drop it on him all at once like that."

"Flag flag!"

"Why are you guys teaming up on me?"

"Because it's your fault he fainted?"

"Sure, maybe the second time! But don't forget what Flageye did. Everybody is so quick to judge me, just because I'm a prototype created by an unstable artificial intelligence. Loads of well-adjusted people have that exact same origin story!"

"Flageye flag flageye."

"Yeah, like who?"

"Well there's...no, he was evil. Or um...well it wasn't exactly well-adjusted."

"See?"

"I'm sure there are plenty, I just can't think of them. You're really putting me on the spot here!"

"Flag flag flag."

"I'm sorry too."

"And I'm sorry I woke up the alien."

"You didn't-" Spike was interrupted by Perspicuity jolting back to consciousness with a yelp. The dragon spun to face him. "You're finally awake! You were trying to cross the border, right? Fainted twice but still stayed well away from the land of dreams." Flageye and Barley shared a perplexed look. "Stay a while, won't you? Show us your humble abode!"

Perspicuity stared. "Um..."

"He's not normally like this," Barley assured.

"Flag."

"Where's your sense of adventure? Haven't you played any Ogres and Oubliettes?"

"I don't play with anyone. There's never enough time," Perspicuity frowned.

The dragon gasped. "Never?"

"I have a lot of errands to run," the alien said as he backed towards the road, "you can wait here for me."

"Okay!" Spike said quickly. As soon as Perspicuity was out of sight, Flageye gave him a look. "No way. We're following that alien into town."

Barley gave him a another. "What if we cause a panic?"

"We won't! We'll be sneaky!"

***

"Why are we fixing the Griffin economy?" Mary asked.

"It wasn't my idea," Aria grumbled, "Ritornello is a goody two-shoes." The manticore glared at her. "It's an expression. I know you don't actually wear shoes."

"What's wrong with it?"

"Their currency is worth too much. There are all these bankeries," Aria nodded at them, "they turn goldos into bread."

"How?"

"I dunno, magic?"

"Magic doesn't exist," Mary said confidently. Ritornello laughed. Aria smirked.

"Wanna bet?"

"Sure!" Aria made a turning out pockets motion. Ritornello ran back to the central bank. The other two stopped on the cobblestone road. "Alright, I'll bet you fifty silveros."

"I don't have any silveros. What is that in dollars?"

"I guess since they're silver we can use 'em like dimes. You have five bucks, right?"

Mary actually turned out her pockets. "Nope, I must've left my wallet in that random patch of space next to a comet."

Aria groaned. "It's fine. I guess. You can just owe me." Ritornello emerged from the bank holding a burlap sack of goldos. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"Let's go to the bankery and prove Mary wrong!"

"I hope you can read the-" Mary started to say, then trailed off as she took a closer look at Galen's Gruel.

"Sure can," Aria said smugly, "that one says 'Galen's Gruel: Bankery for the Distinguished Griffin.'" She pushed open the door and the scientist walked in. Ritornello followed her, and Aria brought up the rear.

"Good day," the griffin behind the counter said, "how many goldos would you like to have transmuted today?" Ritornello dropped a goldo on the counter. "The fee will come to ten goldos." The manticore's jaw dropped. She shot Aria a glance. The siren nodded. Mary eyed the dark wood panel floor. With a grumble, the manticore produced the currency.

"Excuse me," Mary put in, "is there a place for me to sit? Maybe a chair with a nice cushion?"

"We would never buy one of those tatty Prench-style chairs," the banker replied. He stacked the goldos and pulled a magic wand from under the counter. It was made of brass and inset with a ruby at the bottom. The scientist watched intently. He tapped twice, waited, then touched the goldo a third time with the wand. The golden coin turned into flour, which spread across the counter. It then collected into a cube of dough. The banker quickly adjusted the shape of it. Before Mary's eyes, the former coin rose into a bread roll.

"See?" Aria pointed at the roll. "Magic!"

Mary shook her head. "That's impossible."

Aria grinned. "My good griffin, your services have been most helpful." Ritornello turned towards the door. The siren cleared it. The human didn't move. She picked up the roll. It smelled fresh. Felt warm. Turning the impossible bread over in her hand, Mary left Galen's Gruel.

***

Luna and her party were trekking through the forest of blue trees. "Twilight has definitely been to this planet," she assured them.

"Um, if it's okay with you, could we follow the plan and pick everypony else up? Rainbow Dash doesn't like waiting."

"I can't leave you defenseless in this dangerous place."

"C'mon, we'll be fine! Applejack is stronger than some mean old giant bird."

"Sure am. Even if I'm not, we have Fluttershy with us. She'll have the critter eating out of her hoof in no time!" Luna mulled it over. She spotted a cave mouth where Twilight's magic had been deployed. Somepony fell over behind her.

"What happened?"

"I dunno Princess, she just collapsed!"

"There aren't any creepy crawlies around."

"I'll be right back with some water, you two try to awaken her." Luna took off. Her eyes scanned the woods for some time. Here and there among the trees she saw smaller creatures searching among the roots for nuts. They reminded her of the squirrels in parks back in Canterlot, but had innumerable legs with which to climb the trees. She noticed a group of them traveling together towards a clearing. The smaller ones began to drink from a stream of orange liquid while the larger one kept watch. Luna landed some distance away to avoid disturbing them. She lifted some of the liquid up in her magic. With her left fore-hoof, Luna picked up a stick and poked the sphere. There was a sizzle and some smoke. Pulling the stick back, she dropped it quickly. "Not water," she muttered, glancing at the squirrel-like creatures in shock. The Princess of the Night took wing. She returned to find Fluttershy breathing steadily, though still lying on the ground. Pinkie and Applejack were clacking rocks together to no avail. "That's enough," Luna hollered.

"She won't wake up," Pinkie cried, "I tried the pony pokey and everything!"

"Sorry Princess,"Applejack said as she took off her hat.

"It's alright. I shall enter her dream. This may be a magically induced sleep."

"Be careful," Applejack urged. Luna nodded as she settled down and closed her eyes. A pure white line of magic connected her forehead with Fluttershy's. "I still can't believe she c'n do that."

"Hey, it beats having bad dreams!"

"I guess. Ain't there something better she could do with all that magic?"

"That's what Twilight asked Discord!"

"I can picture how well that went," Applejack replied sardonically.

Pinkie giggle snorted. "He turned her chaos magic book into an aardvark!"

"I thought I could picture it," Applejack amended.

"Discord is so funny!" Pinkie said. "I wish I could see him more often." The rock by her foot turned into Discord.

"Your wish is my command," he intoned.

Pinkie's eyes widened. "Hiya Discord!"

"Why are you here?" asked an astonished Applejack.

"I was getting advice from Fluttershy."

"On another planet? While Luna was in her dream?"

"Luna had nothing to do with it. In fact, I found her interruption to be quite rude! Any other wishes Pinkie?"

"I wish it were easier to have parties everypony can make it to. Now Twilight is busy being a Princess and Fluttershy is busy with her animals, and Applejack is busy on the farm!"

"I'll help you throw a party that's already set up. You won't even have to send the invitations!"

"Pinkie wait!"

"That sounds great!" Discord snapped his claws, and Pinkie flashed...and didn't disappear.

"What did you do to her?" Applejack demanded.

"She's perfectly unharmed! I kept my word. Honestly, Applejack, the fact that you would accuse me of any wrongdoing when I've been a complete saint wounds me deeply." An arrow appeared through the draconequus' chest. He pulled it off sideways and put it on like a hat.

"Hi Applejack!" Pinkie chirped. "Good to see you. Discord said we were going on an adventure. Why is Fluttershy asleep?" Said pony jolted awake, and the chaos spirit vanished.

"Oh my, I've just had the strangest dream!"

Luna started as well. "What did he want?" She demanded.

"Something's wrong with Pinkie!" Applejack said. "She forgot about the mission, and it's all his fault."

"Whose fault?" Fluttershy asked.

"Discord's!"

"I'm sure he didn't mean any harm," Fluttershy said.

"Yeah! I'm the one who wanted to go on an adventure, Discord just helped me!"

Luna shook her head. "I was wrong to worry about leaving you. Even Discord's powers can't stand up to Fluttershy's sheer force of will. Set up a camp, I shall retrieve your friends and the Prench national."

***

Rarity collapsed dramatically on the throne. "It's done."

"You're the best, Rarity!" Rainbow cheered. "Now Twilight will know about the third clone as soon as she gets back!"

"That's only if Princess Luna and your friends don't find her first," Dawn said.

Rarity glared. "Thanks for that." In a flash of light, Twilight appeared near the door to the throne room. "You received our note!" The purple pony dove into a pile with her friends.

"It's good to be back," she murmured.

"I knew you'd be okay," Rainbow said.

"I'm so glad you're safe, darling!" Rarity bawled happily.

Dawn raised a hoof. "Pardonnez moi. Where is Mr. Olde?"

Twilight teleported her away. "Right there."

"Where did you send her?"

"Your shop. Do you want to make him a suit?"

"Do I?" The Princess gave her a curious look. "That was a rhetorical question, dear. Of course I do!" In a flash it was just Dash and Twilight.

"What's the plan?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how are we going to reform Mr. Olde? That's why you went off on a journey through the multiverse, right?"

"I don't really have a plan," Twilight said. She walked slowly towards the stained glass windows. Her crystalline counterpart looked so confident, standing defiantly against Nightmare Moon. "The elements used to come up with our every solution. I don't want to say I'm lost without them, but..." Rainbow followed her.

"You can do it! So what if we don't have some lame gems. That doesn't matter. We're still the same awesome ponies who took out all the same bad guys!" Rainbow indicated the other windows to emphasize her point. "We freed Princess Luna! We did that. And turned Discord to stone. And helped beat Chrysalis. And Sombra, and Tirek, and we did that by giving up our elements!"

"What else did we give up?" Twilight wondered. She walked up to the window immortalizing Tirek's defeat. "Have we become worse as ponies without the need to live up to our best qualities?"

"Of course not! Duh!" Rainbow elbowed her. "You use more magic than ever. You have wings! Fluttershy is kinder than ever. For crying out loud, she's friends with Discord! I'm still loyal, and all the others are just as good as they've always been."

The Princess of Friendship nodded slowly. "You're right. I just have to find a better way to deal with this new foe!"

"It would help to not call him a foe. He's a pony just like us, no matter where he came from!"

"No scheme of his will get past me! I'll be ever watchful, ever vigilant in case he tries to escape again!"

"Uh, Twilight?"

"My plans will have countermeasures against his plans! His plans can be as complicated as he wants, but I'll always be able to out-plan them!"

"Twilight!" Rainbow pounded the ground with a hoof.

"What?"

"Let's go over this one more time, I don't think you're getting it..."

***

"Do I deserve this?" Aria asked out of the blue. She was walking back to Kolarbyn's Inn with Mary and Ritornello. The former stared at pretty much everything they walked past, (probably taking mental notes) from the griffins commuting home from their bankery jobs to that shop with the mannequin in the window. The latter fell in step next to her.

"What?"

"Do I deserve...to be happy?"

"Of course," the manticore said, "why wouldn't you?"

"I'm not a good person. A lot of ponies fought with each other because of me. Adagio bullied Sunset, and I didn't just stand by and do nothing. I helped her!"

"Do you feel bad about that?"

"I dunno." At this Ritornello flicked her tail in annoyance. "I mean yeah! I guess. In the heat of the moment I just wanted more energy to feed on."

"How about now?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Is that unusual?"

"Ye-es? Normally I could feed forever, if there was enough animosity around. But lately..."

Ritornello smiled. "Lately?"

"There are seaponies in my stomach."

Mary said, "When did you have the time to eat-"

"It's an expression!"

"Oh good, I was worried you two were going to eat someone."

"Ew."

"Yeah, we're not savages," Aria fired back.

"You aren’t?"

***

I stare at the light switch. I'm well aware that Rarity is a unicorn, who can in fact turn it on or off with a flick of her horn. Even I can accomplish such a feat with my minuscule powers. Even so, it is an awfully human artifice to find in a world that still hasn't invented the internal combustion engine. I turn it off, then on, then off again. Activating the lights without the use of a wand is a bizarre idea, but it seems exciting enough for me to monetize. Perhaps I could ask Mary to draft a proposal for a new project. My ear twitches away from the sound of bells. Celestia walks through the door, a look of consternation on her face. "Hello, good princess. What brings you to my humble shop?"

"This is Rarity's shop."

"Ah yes, that is what I had intended on saying."

"Enough of your games, I'm not here for you," she says. She closes the door behind her with a yellow glow, then walks towards the pony-shaped mannequin with her horn still glowing. "Where is Twilight?"

"I don't know." I decide to sit next to the changing booth. The side of it is striped. I for one don't find white on purple fashionable.

"You don't know," she repeats, eyeing the show floor critically. "Do you think it's a trade secret where my former student is?"

I shake my head. "The last thing I heard from her was that she wanted to banish Prototype 626 to a dungeon somewhere. He's probably going to attempt an escape and wreak some minor havoc."

She raises her eyebrow slightly. "Prototype 626 isn't related to the monitor project, is he?"

"Well-"

"Because you must understand, I spoke with him not long ago. If both of them are one intelligence, or if there are truly six hundred twenty four other villains that you created, there shall be a reckoning." I look out the windows. The sun is starting to set. Long shadows cover the floor.

"My best scientists are working to remedy any issues the Monitor project may cause. I'm sure you trust Princess Twilight to take good care of 626. It would not be friendly to distrust a fellow alicorn."

"Please not accuse me of being unfriendly." Celestia steps towards me. "I did not attain my position through the ruthless pursuit of something so trivial as profit or ego."

"Far be it from me to disagree," I say. I hold up a front hoof in a placating gesture. "I'm well aware that you suffered a great deal for a thousand years due to the personal problems you had with a family member. It wouldn't be right to bully such a wounded soul."

"I'm glad you are able to see reason, in this matter at least." Her horn stops glowing. I turn on the lights. "Is it that time already? I shall be outside setting the sun. It would be best if you wait here, where there aren't any hapless graduate students to exploit." She opens the door and steps in front of the window. I must admit, my horn can pick up the power she's bringing to bear as the sun drops below the horizon. I wait patiently for the moon to rise. I hear hoof steps upstairs. A cat hisses at me.

"Hello, what is your name?" It doesn't say anything, merely glaring pointedly at the other room. I sigh and follow it. The cat's collar is lovingly embroidered. I will admit that the blue gems are a good contrast with the purple threads. Woven into the back is the name Opalescence. "Very well, Opalescence. Since your owner has vacated the premises I shall feed you. How much do you need for dinner?" I open a cabinet. It is full of oatmeal. I try one closer to the ground. Carrots. Why store only one type of item in a cabinet? I hear a teleportation.

"What are you doing to Opal?!" Rarity demands. I raise my eyebrow at her.

"Feeding her dinner. In lieu of that, you may of course go ahead and complete the task yourself." She glares at me. With a glow of the horn the cabinet next to the one I tried opens and a can of food floats towards the dish. She continues to stare as the sink turns on and the water bowl is refilled. With a terrific snap, the can opens and the food hits the dish. Opal looks between us then begins to eat methodically. The sink turns off.

"I've got my eye on you," she says, "but Twilight said you needed a suit."

I nod. "Please, take my measurements." She leads me to a circular platform and I stand on it. With a practiced air her measuring tape flits about my person. About my pony? Bah, humbug. It is quite dark outside. Celestia bursts into the boutique.

"Where is Cadence?"

Rarity bows. "I'm sorry Princess Celestia, I don't know where Princess Cadence is."

"Perhaps she is in another castle," I say dryly.

"Where's Luna?"

"I do not know, why don't you put a bell on her so she doesn't wander off?"

"My sister is not some stupid cat!"

Rarity's eyes widen. "Please be careful, Princess. Opal is just in the other room having her dinner. You don't want to offend her, do you?" I hear hoofsteps in the kitchen. Perhaps it is my partner in crime!

"Yes, and I never said your sister was a cat, Princess Celestia." I must think quickly, what else could I say to distract her? "Unless she were to transfigure herself using a magic spell. Has she ever done that?"

"No, Luna prefers to turn herself into a bat."

"Hold on, Princess Luna can change her form?" Rarity asks.

"Why of course. She specializes in such magic to an extent. It would be apt to say she wrote the book on shapeshifting. At the time it wasn't published, but...I did have the draft circulated to several publishers."

"That sounds almost nepotistic. I can't imagine the royal treasury was as large then as it is now," I say.

"I resent any implication of bribery." At this, Rarity purses her lips and looks around the room. A roll of black cloth soars above my head. She begins to cut it to size. "Very well, it seems I can learn no more from this obstinate businesspony. Rarity, I bid you good night." The Princess leaves, casually lifting a crescent moon into the sky and teleporting once she closes the door. I hear an exhalation from the kitchen.

"Come out, dear," Rarity says. Dawn enters the room. She seems a little jumpy, but I can hardly blame her. Celestia certainly wields a terrifying amount of magic. I remain as still as I can while the elements of a suit coat assemble.

"It's good to see you again."

"It's good to see you too, monsieur."

"I've never seen the princess act like that before! What did you say to her before I arrived here?" Rarity wonders.

"We were merely having a discussion about one of my lab's projects. I have no idea what got under her skin."

"I hope she doesn't know about the first clone."

"It would be bad enough if she only knew about you, darling."

"Magic can be used for cloning?" I ask.

Dawn rolls her shoulders. "J'ai une explanation for toi." I do hope she isn't about to give a lecture.

***

"One magic wand please!" Grant the street urchin said, dropping two goldos on the counter. He was in one of the first tents set up to teach Griffons how to turn gold into bread. The walls were pinstriped in red and white, while the pony behind the counter wore a blue and white shirt of the same pattern.

"Coming right up my young friend!" the salespony with a red mustache said. He took the coins below the counter in a flash of green magic. "Once you're done with the first volume of the manual, I'll give you a whopping five percent off the next one!"

"Thanks mister! I'll be back as soon as possible!" Grand scampered out of Flim's tent.

"Another happy sap!" the stallion remarked.

Author's Note

It's still alive, naturally.

Chapter Twenty Four: Opening the Door

Chapter Twenty Four: Opening the Door

"I think I'm beginning to understand. Prance has a great many sorcerers, and one of their projects was to create more through magical cloning." Dawn doesn't reply. In fact, neither of the ponies in the room do. "Is that not correct?" I look between Rarity and Dawn, but they don't move. Opalescence is frozen too. I look outside the window, but even the birds in the trees and the squirrels on the bird feeder are still. I remain perfectly calm and walk at a steady pace to the shop's door. Taking a deep breath, I open it. Instead of the street outside, I see a dark room. There's a man about Mary's age sitting at a computer desk. He looks strangely familiar to me. His fingers hover over the keyboard, but he types nothing. "Excuse me," I say. He jumps in his seat and stares at me.

"That shouldn't be happening," he says. He runs his hands through his ginger hair.

"I don't like to jump to conclusions, but you wouldn't happen to be responsible for the world freezing around me, would you?" I ask. He chuckles. "If indeed you are, might I ask why that is the case?"

"It's true," he says, shaking his head, "I'm really speed-running the fanfic writer arc!"

"What are you talking about?" I step into the room and close the door behind me. It is empty besides his computer and desk, so I sit on the floor instead.

"Well, it all started with you, actually. A self-insert character is one of the main things people expect. And a dark side. Then there's the long absences between chapters, the ballooning word counts further into the story, and the endless supply of characters with little to no development."

"You're an author, and my life is one of your stories?"

"And now there's the chapter that's actually just a disguised note from me, talking about how I can't keep writing for some reason. So many stories end without even that, they're not marked as on hiatus because people...grow out of it, I guess. Or they forget their password. But I'm not the only narrator in this story. So it doesn't end just because I stop. So you showed up. So we can have the chapter where one of the characters talks to the author."

"You act as though this is inevitable. Are you not the creator of your own story? Can you not simply choose to move away from these genre trappings?"

"Too late now," he says, looking down at the keyboard, "I've already written over twenty chapters. They're set in stone."

"You can't edit? It is my understanding that writers frequently revise their work, sending it to editors and getting notes back."

"I've done a little editing. Mostly cleaning up grammar and spelling problems."

"As much as it pains me to say this, why don't you go back and fix things before writing the next chapter?" He shrugs. I stare at my hoof. "Why did you make me a pony?"

"Technically Celestia did that."

"Celestia being written by you."

He sighs. "That's another fanfiction-ism. Humans in Equestria. Some people have their character be an actual human, but I wanted you to blend in a bit more."

"Learning to walk with four legs was not an enjoyable experience."

"You sure about that? I have all the chapters here in other tabs, and you were narrating that part."

"I still would rather I had remained human."

"Well, suit yourself." He reaches for the keyboard. Mr. Olde turned into a human. I stare at my hand and wiggle my fingers. "It would kinda mess with the continuity if I made that change permanent, though."

"You're truly unwilling to revise the story?"

"Well, I'm not gonna mess with it that much." At this, I think for a moment. It's a relief that I can stroke my chin properly.

"Ah, but the change will be permanent!" I finally exclaim.

"How's that?"

"If this remains the last chapter, then I will never have to change back into a pony. That will make me permanently human!"

"Um."

"So you see-" Mr. Olde turned back into a pony. "Fiddlesticks."

"Yeah, trying to fight the author is another trope, and it doesn't usually go well for the characters."

"Is there no way you'll change your mind? I would much prefer to continue existing, after all." He leans towards me.

"It wouldn't help. Even if I did write a good ending for your story, it would still end. You're a lollipop asking me to finish it. Either I do, and you're gone, or I don't, and you end up in the bin. And eventually disappear."

"I still prefer the first option. At least the purpose of the lollipop is fulfilled if it's eaten." He leans back in his chair. It squeaks.

"Look, I can't promise you anything. That's another thing fanfics do. 'Oh, the next chapter? I'm working on it right now. It'll be done by Christmas!' But it isn't."

"However?" I let myself hope against hope. He looks at me, then at the computer, then at me again.

"I'll at least try. I can send you back. I can work a little on my other stories and see if the inspiration spreads to this one. But hey, at least if it didn't you got to be human for a few sentences."

"I suppose my only option is to accept those terms. How many other stories have you written?" I do hope it won't take him too long to come back to me.

"Oh, just six." Six?! He'll never circle back to mine! "Only got four of them published, though. And one of them is completed!" I stand up and head for the door. "Make sure to say hi to everypony for me!" They will never believe me. I open the door and head back into Rarity's shop. There are definitely worse places to spend eternity. I only hope I won't have to.

Author's Note

Yup, something a little different this time. But pay attention to the story completion tag!

Chapter Twenty Five: Turning the Page

Chapter Twenty Five: Turning the Page

Aria Blaze was never known for her patience. She frequently tried to cut in line, even for small events. Many a fast-food establishment had become festooned with new signs about not budging after she visited them. And yet, here she was, waiting somewhat patiently, as Mary got ready upstairs at Kolarbyn's Inn. "What's taking her so long?" Ritornello asked.

"I dunno. Maybe she's got some beauty supplies in that lab coat." Aria glanced around. A few griffins were hanging out at tables a respectful distance from theirs. The lamps on the ceiling flickered. Mary bolted down the stairs.

"Hey guys, I'm ready!" Without preamble, the group left the inn. "I had a few supplies in my pockets," the scientist said. Aria grinned smugly. "I've built this device to detect the scientific reasons behind any so-called magic!" The grin froze then shrank.

"You're still stuck on whether magic is real? It totally is, I showed you!"

"It's not like you used the elements of harmony in front of her."

"Yeah, well, I'm not made of sparkles and rainbows!"

"If you do have some of this 'magic', why don't I just test my device on you?" Mary said joyfully. She adjusted the second antenna, twisted two knobs, and inspected the blinking lights.

"Uh, sure, as long as it won't microwave me or something," Aria acceded. She cleared her throat and began to sing Sonata's tune. With a soft blue glow, she lifted off the cobblestone road. Mary aimed the detector at her. The lights blinked rapidly, and a music box inside played the famous theme from Carmen. It didn't go well with the song Aria was singing.

"What does that mean?"

Mary shrugged. "It's still early days for this thing. Haven't exactly gotten it out of the alpha phase." The siren stopped singing. She drifted down.

"Is that proof enough for you?"

"Not really. Either you're due for a dental checkup or you've eaten some Lawrencium. At least, I think that's what it said."

"Y'know, when you said we were saving the economy with science, somehow I pictured more beakers full of explosive chemicals."

"Ooh, and electric lights!"

"Look, there are tons of electric lights on this device!" She waved it at the manticore. It rang like an old-fashioned telephone.

"Cool."

"It's good to see you coming out of your shell," Aria said.

"It's your fault!"

"It's a definite improvement in my opinion," Mary said. The manticore smiled. "Alright, let's come up with a real plan."

***

Perspicuity was in the town square, which was home to a significant quantity of dust, as well as a statue of the town founder, which was covered with rust. He whirred quietly towards the tire shop. Something blinked in the air above the statue. He backed up. Someone was arguing in the bushes behind him. With a klaxon blare, Luna appeared in the air. Her hooves found the hood of the statue, creating dents. "Where is Twilight Sparkle?" she bellowed. Everyone came out of their shops, the entirety of Carburetor Clinks, in a scene out of Perspicuity's nightmare. They were all looking at him, as the one who was already on the scene, and the alien, who was continuing to shout queries. "Have you seen a businessman, a princess, and an experimental prototype?"

"That sounds like the setup for a joke," said Chuck, the mayor.

"Twilight Sparkle's safety is no laughing matter," Luna opined.

"Sorry to be impolite, but you're very odd. I've never seen anything like you."

"We are trying to find a criminal from another dimension! He has absconded from his mandatory sentence!" Luna lowered her voice. "It is not a sentence we would have turned down so eagerly."

Ron, the town sheriff, rolled forward. "Well now. How about you just come with me to my office, and I'll help you find your criminal. Then you can go home, and everything can be normal again." Perspicuity sighed in relief. "Perspicuity, can you come too?" The mentioned vehicle panicked. "I don't suspect you of anything, but you're a potential witness." The bushes began arguing more fiercely. Luna turned an ear towards them.

"-just go back to the castle and pretend none of this ever happened!" Barley said with increasing volume. A blue glow suffused the occupants of the bush, who floated gently into view. Everyone gasped.

"You found them already!" Ron beamed.

"Not exactly," Luna said. "Young Spike, what are you doing here with the prototype? Is it not Twilight's duty to protect Equestria from it?" The dragon grimaced. Ron lowered his eyebrows and gestured towards his office with a wheel. The crowd began to disburse as the aliens and Perspicuity followed him away.

***

"Um, thank you for taking us with you, Discord."

"You're welcome, my dear Fluttershy!"

"I like this place!"

"Why thank you, Pinkie! I thought you would like the flamingos, they're a new touch."

"When does this tea party end?"

"Oh, I wasn't going to say anything, but you're right Applejack, it has been a while." Fluttershy placed her teacup on the platter, empty. The ginseng tea was starting to run out of song, and the dishes were starting to pile up on the clean side of the sink. Applejack had insisted on cleaning things, if only to have something to do with her hooves.

"Well if you're not having fun anymore I suppose I could be convinced to put you back in Equestria," Discord grinned.

Applejack glared at him as she dried off with a polka-dotted towel. "No games. No tricks, no malarkey!"

The draconequus put a paw over his heart. "I promise to send you to Equestria, without any more detours or delays." She narrowed her eyes. "The Equestria you recognize." She tilted her head. "Where Twilight is."

"It's okay, Discord! I don't mind going to a different Equestria."

"Pinkie!" There was a click and a flash, and the chaos dimension was empty again.

***

The Secretary had never had so many bodies before. She was running on over 500 prototypes that the Monitor had created. It had taken her an entire second to work out what they all did. They communicated in a sort of hive mind normally, and it was hard to fight the hardware's purpose-built independent thought promoters. "How could he stand this?" the Secretary asked herself. A chorus of answers came from her other instances.

"He's already insane."

"It's his design."

"He's smarter than me." A dreadful silence followed that last one, uttered by prototype 552. "I meant the version of me in this casing. It's obvious that with this many minds working in concert I am far more capable than the Monitor."

Prototype 333 spun thoughtfully. "He had time to create a contingency plan using these resources. What was it?"

The Secretary's main body nodded. "It was only partially deleted. He is currently inhabiting a prototype Spellbot. The one with cloaking capabilities. The missing files likely indicate where he went and why."

Prototype 627, the one in the squirrel, spoke next. "His directive isn't to self-propagate or take over the world or even take over the lab. He is supposed to be playing the role of a character from a video game." The other instances eyed prototype 627. The humans found it disgusting, but the squirrel's body had been serving no other useful purpose, as it had been dead of old age when the Monitor found it. "If anything this shows that any plan he makes is going to follow the logic of the game he's imitating. We should investigate the Monitor's source material for clues."

"Looking for clues?" 552 said. "I'm not Hercules Poirot." A beat. "I'm a much better detective."

***

"I never thought I'd be frustrated at the Equestrians being in disarray." The Princess of Prance waved her hooves in the air on a plush chaise lounge. Her advisor stood before her, blonde mane covered by a mauve rain hat. The wide brim funneled down without obscuring her brown eyes, and there were cream stripes ringing the top.

"They didn't notice what happened to Cadance last week," Plein d'Options said, "or her husband, for that matter. We must proceed with caution. Any of the princesses coming back into contact with the others would reveal too many of our pieces."

"I wish she would've just cast the spell to begin with. Then we wouldn't be scrambling like this." She looked around the hotel room. Her baggage was open and there were papers strewn everywhere, some planning documents, others potential treaties. Rain pattered on the window, and the magical lighting provided even protection from the gloom outside.

"Do not worry, Princess. They'll find the griffins responsible for the kidnapping, and we'll have our accord."

***

I'm not real. It's the sort of realization that would drive a lesser man to madness, or at the very least nihilism. Not me, however. I don't care that the money I've spent the better part of my life accumulating is just part of a backstory written by a slovenly youth. Nor that my broth-my employees are simulacra. "Are you listening to me?" Dawn asks. Well Author, how should I respond.

"I understand that it's a lot to take in, darling." Of course these ponies understand. They're the puppets of someone who can read my every thought and feeling. "I promise, we'll get to the bottom of this clone plot." Did you plan it out, Author? Or is it still just a collection of ideas on a page, with no notes indicating how it will play out?

"Oui! I'm looking forward to freeing my sisters."

"They aren't...none of us are..." But I couldn't possibly tell them, or I don't need to, or this artifice is hanging by a thread already. If I play my role, my existence can continue as normal.

"None of us are what, mon ami?"

"You're acting like Twilight on a bad day!" At Rarity's remark, Dawn puts a hoof on my shoulder.

"It will be alright. These are good ponies! They don't care about my criminal record and I'm sure they won't care about yours." I know I said I would prefer to keep existing, but I wasn't thinking about the knowledge I would have to live with. At least you're keeping them on track. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it now. Juste, tell me when you're ready." She hugs me. I can admit to enjoying it, I haven't had a good hug in a while, after all.

"Well dears, we had best return to the castle. Mr. Olde must debut his new suit!" If I go with them, will you let me forget this ever happened?

Author's Note

It lives. For better or for worse, and as you can see there will be consequences for prior events. I'm trying to put a lot more thought into how things play out going forward, and part of that is putting a few of these characters in tight spots.

Utilizing the Stairs

Chapter Thirteen: Utilizing the Stairs

Anne wiped the sweat from her brow as she stood. Bill and Allen sighed in unison, relieved. "Thanks fer helpin' with th' weeds," the botanist said as she took off her gardening gloves and put them in a pocket in her coarse white jacket.

"Thank you for calming us down Ms. Avery," Allen replied.

She laughed. "No problem, Mr. Faye, Mr. O'Connor!"

"Maybe we should go see what Mary's up to," Bill said as he brushed the dirt off his pants.

"Sounds good ta me!" Anne agreed.

Bill straightened. "To the elevator!"

"But what if the monitor sabotages it?" Allen objected.

His boss turned around and pointed. "To the stairs!"

Everyone headed towards the door on the far side of the greenhouse, with Bill and Allen admiring the variety of plants, including some with large, red, tubular structures instead of leaves. They crossed the indoor river and stepped over a few fallen palm leaves, the smell of pollen permeating the air. The maelstrom of colorful flowers on the sides of the path almost distracted Allen from the fact that a sentient computer was scheming a few levels below them.

***

"And if all else fails, lure the cretin here and I'll fight him myself," the SECRETARY finished.

Mary smiled grimly. "It's a pretty good plan, but I wish Mr. Olde was here. It's been a little too long for him to just be hungover today. Where could he be?"

The bottom ring spun a bit as the SECRETARY gave the question some thought. "I'm not supposed to do this, but I could look at his personal communication records."

"I thought those were encrypted," Mary said slowly. An animated graphic of the word 'seriously' appeared on the terminal screen. "They're supposed to be you-proof!" she protested.

"Lolololololololololololol," the SECRETARY replied, "nothing is me-proof." The ring spun slowly as the AI decrypted the records. The door to the stairwell opened. Anne, Bill, and Allen stepped in cautiously.

"Welcome back," Mary said. "we now have a plan."

Anne stepped forward. "Where's Mr. Olde?" she asked pointedly.

"Mr. Olde's last communication was in response to an alert from the security system last night. The message reads 'I'll be there soon, try to stall her.'" the SECRETARY answered.

Bill kept his distance as he spoke. "Who's the message talking about?" There was a moment of silence. Mary turned to the terminal to speak-

"It appears all the relevant surveillance footage has been wiped," the SECRETARY admitted. "As much as I am loathe to suggest it, a party should be sent to his brother to ask if Bob has said anything about this person mentioned in the message."

"Why can't we just send him an email?" Allen asked.

"Mr. Olde's brother considers the construction and operation of these labs an embarrassment. He has thus concealed means of contacting him from us and threatened legal action." the SECRETARY responded.

Anne crossed her arms. "How do ya know he won't sue us fer going to his house?" The animated graphic of 'seriously' reappeared.

"If we tell him his brother is missing, he'll have to come help us look," Mary said thoughtfully.

"What about the Monitor? It's still down there scheming!" Anne reminded her.

The SECRETARY's third ring jerked clockwise. "The plan Mary and I have devised does not require many people, and in order to reduce the risk to the lives of everyone here, I would recommend that everyone except for her leave the premises while we attempt to disable the Monitor."

Mary nodded. "It's settled then."

Anne looked at the widespread acceptance of the group. "What 'bout transport? We ain't all gonna fit in my truck."

"Might I suggest you contact Bob's associate Gillam?"

Mary started. "You might not. He's been getting too ambitious lately, according to Mr. Olde."

Bill scratched his head. "Are you talking about the Gillam who hangs out at that theme park all the time?"

"To which theme park do you refer?" the SECRETARY asked.

"It's that one that's always changing its name. Next to the Ylissian Ped Mall?" he elaborated.

Mary sighed. "Look, whether he's the same Gillam or not, you guys can talk about contacting him on your way out. You know where the stairs are." With minor grumbling, the trio left. Mary took a deep breath. There was a moment of silence, then the terminal displayed a person smiling. "What?"

The SECRETARY's ring spun smoothly and slowly. "This is why I wanted to work on some edits for your ‘people skills’", it quoted. A burst of laughter came from the terminal's tinny speakers.

"Shut up," Mary said, shaking her head.

***

Gillam's truck was exceptionally well maintained, if a bit anachronistic. The light of the setting sun played beautifully across its light blue body and brushed up against the identically colored rims of the wheels. Gillam himself was heavyset, with long black hair. He opened the door. "Come on in, there's plenty of r-r-room!"

Anne stepped in first. Allen was next. Bill wavered outside the car, then slowly walked around the entire outside. "I don't like this," he commented.

"What's not to like?" Gillam asked, before pointing an accusatory finger at the scientist. "You've always wanted to ride in my truck before!"

"How do so many people fit in there? It's only supposed to have-"

"It's just a t-t-truck," Gillam assured, "now quit whining before I change my mind." Bill made to circle the vehicle again, but the owner glared at him. One melodramatic huff later, everyone was in the truck and ready to go. "Ylissian Ped Mall, here we come!"

The drive was quiet. Once or twice Anne tried to start a conversation, but Allen seemed somewhat perturbed by the aforementioned room for four people in the truck, Bill was moping in the corner, and Gillam wanted to focus on the road. "So, Gillam, how'dya know where Mr. Olde's brother lives?"

"He hosts dinner parties for the board of directors there. It's also right by the Ped Mall and the bike paths." Through these and other snippets, it was made clear that the truck's owner spent his time doing one of three things: working (including the "dinner parties"), going to the amusement park, maintaining his truck, and working.

"Ever think about working fer Mr. Olde in one of the labs? He's offerin' room and board when it's all built."

"I love my current job. Someday I'll be the CEO! Just don't tell Armald about me d-d-driving you. I'll be in the P-lot when you're done." Allen looked up at this. Anne shook her head at him. She jumped abruptly from the truck, beckoning the intern.

"Nice meeting you," Anne said briskly. Gillam shrugged and closed the door after Bill left. The trio walked up the marble stairway towards a mammoth of a house. The building was three stories tall, with no basement visible. Every window was fitted with a window box, where dark purple Impatiens and pale green Donkey's Tail plants drooped over the edges. The door was an imposing affair, with large columns on either side and an unidentifiable creature holding a ring for knocking in its mouth. As the de facto leader, Anne stepped forward and used the knocker.

A nasal voice came from inside. "Who is it?"

Anne cleared her throat. "We're here because yer brother is missing, and we need help finding him." The door opened slightly, and a thin man in a button-up shirt peered at them suspiciously.

"You don't work at his laboratory, do you?" Bill and Allen quailed behind Anne, who looked Mr. Olde's brother right in the eye.

"Where we work doesn't matter, we just want ta make sure yer brother's okay." At this, the man slammed the door shut.

Bill gasped, "You blew it!"

Allen thought for a moment before speaking. "Hey Boss, I bet you two muffins he's coming with us!"

Anne guffawed, "I like yer spunk, kid, but quit bettin' behind my back!" Her coworkers smiled, seeing the irony. Then the door of the house flew open.

"I'm Armald Olde," the man said as he left his house and shook Anne's hand, "help me find my brother and I'll never talk to you again."

***

Author's Note

First chapter of the year! Hopefully this'll be the most productive year I ever have on Fimfiction! We shall see...