"Sleep bitterly that the morning may taste sweeter".
The words echoed hollowly through Frigids' memory as he recalled his last conversation with his brother. He'd been kicked out of the academy, and everything had seemed so wrong.
"Why couldn't they see me? Why couldn't they just let me prove myself to them, I know I could have... I would've been amazing. I would've shown them what greatness lies within me." His words rasped angrily from his parched throat. His coat clung desperately to his skin as he rolled to the side, trapping a frail, lifeless wing beneath his body weight. "There was so much I never got to show them..."
"It could have helped your case had you shown them anything, Frigid."
The pegasus winced at the hollowness of the words, hardly daring to peek over his shoulder at the pony who had spoken them. He slowly craned his neck, peering over the mound of blanket that he had only recently thrown off of himself. The heat of the room had become far too unbearable to leave the blanket on.
"You couldn't prove yourself because you had nothing to show them. You never stopped to question whether or not they saw you as good enough. You behaved as though you could not fail, yet you never tried to succeed." The pale snowy unicorn lay a hoof across Frigids' forehead, his touch like ice in the sauna-like conditions of the room. "You had your head too far into the clouds to remember they wanted them cleared away. Your lack of discipline is what took the rug from beneath your hooves, not their hubris. You could have shown them, and you failed. You failed because you could not bring yourself from the fantasy of success long enough to make it a truth. Your dream was sweeter than anything else you had."
Small sobs racked the pegasus, his emaciated frame quivering pathetically in the shaft of moonlight shining through his window. His sobs continued, persisting through the whimpers he could not hold back. With every opening of his eyes, they would begin anew. The mask of disgust was clear on his brothers' face- frigid was a failure. A worthless dreamer who had always thought more of himself than he truly was. He'd fancied himself a great leader- wise and powerful. In his thoughts he could conquer any challenge and drive out any foe. His wings were solid pillars of justice, and his gaze would wither away the cruelest of savage beasts- nothing could stop him. How could he have resisted such an alluring sensation of power, of worthiness? Frigids' tears turned cold on his cheeks, his face burning more from shame than the torrid darkness surrounding him.
"You could have been somepony, Frigid. You could have had everything you'd ever dreamed of. I tried to tell you, and you spat my kindness back at me. You didn't deserve it. Now what do you have?" The unicorns' gaze felt as though it could burn entirely through Frigids' quaking body. "Why couldn't you live outside your head, for just a little while? You would have become great, Frigid. I would have been proud of you. Mother would have been proud. You've failed her too, you know. She cries herself to sleep almost as often as you do, now. Why couldn't you face her like Father did? How could you abandon her so, when she needed you the most?" The unicorns' hoof seemed to grow heavier, the pressure squeezing Frigids' skull between the pale leg and the bedsprings.
"I-I'm so sorry... I tried to be the best, I promise. I tried so hard..." The pegasus broke into a broken lament once again as the weighted hoof removed itself from him. The place it had once occupied now felt as though it would burn itself free of his body.
"Liar. Look at yourself, if you had ever tried at anything you wouldn't be here now. You wouldn't be sniveling like a foal fresh off of mothers' teat, ragged and hopeless. You wouldn't be wallowing in the demise you brought upon yourself, yelling at shadows because they remind you of your imaginary monsters-" The unicorn leaned forward, bringing his wide muzzle near to Frigids' ear. "You're worthless. You're pathetic. Where are your fantasies now, foal? Where are the astounding feats and marvelous displays of heroism? Where is the adulation that your idols would heap upon you? They can't be gone, they were never there to begin with."
Frigid struggled against the fresh, hot tears that seemed to surge from the deepest well of his being, his eyelids clenched together in a desperate attempt to shut out the brutality which was the truth. He was nothing.
"Remember in grade school, Brother? You would sit by the window, staring up at the clouds. All you wanted was to be among them, you never payed attention to the teachers. And what did you do when you were finally free of your educational prison? You sat beneath a tree and stared at them some more. You were so caught up in your perfect little daydream that you forgot to wake up from it." The unicorn spat his words like a snake, each one stinging Frigids' ears as it landed. The shock was worse than the heaviest of blows his father could have inflicted-
"Oh yes, now you want to pawn it off. Remove the guilt, the shame of your own failure by imagining that you've been wronged somehow. You'll blame anyone. Father, Mother, the teachers, the Academy, me... Is nopony safe from your wild abandon? I don't think they are. You don't care about how much it hurts them, just so long as you can pretend that everything you touch becomes gleaming gold. Really, though? Everything you touch withers. It melts away like a dropping in the rain, sullying the waters that we all drink from. Your very presence is an insult, toxic beyond no end. Scum!"
Frigid pulled his head towards his chest with his hooves, draping his untrapped wing across it in hopes of shielding his ears from the brutal onslaught of hatred from the loved one he'd failed most. He shouldn't have, though. He deserved to be punished for what he'd done. He deserved this abuse. A kicking block was all he'd ever been good for, he'd just been too blinded by his imaginary glory to see his own reflection in the polished ebony. Worthless.
"Trying to hide again? Trying to drift away into your special little dream world and make yourself happy with your lies? There is no quiet adventure for you now, scum. You're going to face what you are, and I'm going to make sure of it." Frigid could see the blinding glow of his brothers' horn even from beneath his wing, even through his painfully clenched eyelids. The light surged through him, cold as ice, and it forced its' way into his mind. "Now look- look! Look at exactly how you betrayed me! Look how your selfishness took everything away from you, your own hooves! Not the hateful briars of an unknown foe, you! You did this!"
====
The blinding surge of searing cold light seemed to fade away, leaving Frigid to float listlessly in the abyss of whatever hell his brother had seen fit to banish him to. He recognized the exterior of the Academy, the cheerful, waiting faces of his family as they sat with high hopes and bated breath- their beloved Frigid was going to be a Guard. His parents' son, his brothers greatest friend, their shining beacon of trust and honor- the biggest sham they'd ever known.
He wanted to look away, to tear out his own eyes if only to be free of the guilt their smiling visages caused. Their cheerful chatter pounded in his skull like a thousand beating drums at the Ceremonies. He saw their heads turn, knew that the silence he had so desperately desired mere moments before was naught but the precursor to his own crimes. The silence burned him worse than his brothers' spell, the cold needles in his blood turning to a boiling stream of razors. He didn't want to watch this, didn't want to see the way he'd so soon be destroying those trusting smiles. He didn't want to watch himself tear out his mothers heart and spit in his fathers face. Mostly, however, he didn't want to see himself cut his brother down when all he'd tried to do was be there for him.
He couldn't look away, though. Frigid knew that he deserved this punishment. He knew that he could only be forced to watch and relive the sins of the past. So Frigid watched, his sorrow congealing into a dense lump of contempt. As he watched, the most vile of creatures stepped through the doors of the academy, his hulking form casting merciless fury over any unfortunate enough to be near. The monster approached his family, and he knew what was about to come. He knew what was about to come, and he could not repent. Frigids' sobs returned tenfold as he tore himself away from the scene, darkness rushing to meet him as he welcomed the cold embrace of oblivion.
Where dreams aren't sweet.
Icy Stream stood in shock, his face showing little emotion. Frigid had emerged from his examination ceremony looking downright haggard- an emotion Icy had never thought he'd see on his little brothers' face. even from a distance, he could see the tears threatening to spill from his brothers' eyes. His parents, noticing the sudden change of expression, turned to face their pegasus son.
"Frigid?" His mother ventured, her voice being the first to find its' courage. "Are you alright?" The quavering of her voice seemed to shy away from its' own speaking, and Frigid visibly gritted his teeth. Mother looked across her shoulder to Father, who was still fumbling to find his own words. With a hiss of breath being drawn, he seemed to test the fragile ice that had just formed between the four.
"Son? Did something happen? It's okay, son, we're here for you." A tentative hoof struggled to place itself closer to the shaken pegasus, the near-inaudible clop being just enough to shatter the tension.
"No! it's not okay!" The words shot from Frigids' muzzle with the delicacy of a blunderbuss. "Nothing is ever going to be okay! I wasn't good enough! I couldn't.. I couldn't do it! I failed!" Frigids' head dropped, his entire frame shaking as he fought against the turbulent emotions rattling within him. Mother and father stood quiet, mouths agape- and I couldn't seem to do any better. there had to be something I could say, anything that would help fix this- I just couldn't sit and watch Frigid fall apart like this.
Before I could even think of what to say I found my hooves pushing our parents aside, lurching my heavy body closer to the obviously horrified Frigid. I threw my forehooves around him, positioning my shoulder just beneath his muzzle. "shh... It'll be alright Frigde, it was just a test. Everything's going to be fine..." I could feel him swallow his sobs back fruitlessly as he pushed me forcefully away from him. Breath hissed between his teeth, in and out and back in before he practically screamed out his response.
"NO! It's not just a test! Everypony worked so hard so they could be here, and I- and I failed! I couldn't even keep my promise to you, and it's- it's not even m-my fault! I did everything I could, and y- and you couldn't even be bothered to notice I was failing! I just wanted t-to prove that I could do it a-and I... And I... why am I so weak..." his sobs forced their way back into his throat and choked out any words that may have came next. Frigid turned away from us, trying in vain to hide his 'weakness'. I fumbled with my tongue against my lips. Frigid was wrong. He was anything but weak, and the years of effort he had put in to preparing for this test had only gone to prove that. I felt Mother brush past me, saw her hoof raise up towards Frigids' shoulder. Her eyes caught his for what felt like an eternal moment, and something happened to Frigid that I couldn't quite explain. Something left his eyes, some light that had followed his eager training for the past two years and driven him to try ever harder in pursuit of his goals. Before Mothers' hoof could try to comfort him as I had attempted, he spat viciously, slapping her leg away with a quick unfurling of his wing.
"NO!" His shout attracted the attention of a nearby group of pegasi, who took one look at the scene unfolding before quickly trotting away. Frigid must have seen it too, because the hollowness in his eyes filled with even more anger. He pushed Mothers second advance away with even less restraint, bellowing like a cow with the madness in it. "No! Just, just stay away from me! Don't try to coddle me like some- like some foal that needs to be rocked! You just think I'm weak, and I hate it! I hate you!..." Frigid recoiled at Mothers sob, taking several steps back. "Just... stay away from me." He said in a harsh whisper before turning and throwing himself into the skies.
As I watched my brother fly away, a piece of me seemed to rip at my gut. If only I could follow him, try to make things right- but i couldn't. My horn sat useless on my head as I watched my brother fly away. The look in fathers' eyes as he tracked Frigids progress towards the horizon couldn't hide that he wanted to himself, and that he would have without hesitation if not for the openly lamenting mare clinging to his neck. Father folded a wing across Mother in a gesture I couldn't understand, and I knew I couldn't leave it like this. Breaking into a gallop, I ran without stopping to the one place I knew Frigid would go now.
====
The snowy pegasus had gone exactly where I thought he would- his private room just off campus of the Academy. He'd insisted on the space, knowing that he would feel better having a bed away from the mock barracks in the Academy to retreat to when things got too hard to face. nopony begrudged him his sanctuary- Tartarus, he wasn't even the only trainee who had rented from the building. As I forced my weary hooves to bring me to the steps of the dorms, I could already see the more successful of Frigids' class beginning to head towards Canterlot proper for their celebrations.
That should be us going to celebrate. I can't believe how this is turning out...
I dragged myself up the steps and down the open-air hallway that served as access to the individual rooms. The faintest scent of walnut peelings reminded me that Autumn was coming, and the local squirrels were busy hoarding away their bounty of the things both in and out of their tough green shells. The scent reminded me of why Frigid had wanted to join the Guard in the first place.
Grandfather had loved walnuts.
I raised my hoof to knock, pausing as I noticed that the key had been left haphazardly in the lock. frigid must have still been upset by the time he'd gotten to his cozy sanctuary. I cast a quick look behind me at the open air of the dormitory courtyards- the sun was casting a brilliant orange hue over the horizon as it finished its' descent out of sight. The moon would be out soon, and the talk of the morning had been how the uncomfortable heat would doubtlessly be dispelled by it's cool, pale glow. I pushed the rickety door open, casting a strip of fiery orange to flood the darkened quarters. Frigid had his face stuffed into a pillow, his body still shaking at uneven intervals with his choppy sobs. He noticed me entering, I was certain, but he made no effort to acknowledge my presence.
That was fine, I didn't need him to say anything. The run over had given me plenty of time to think about what I could say. Pulling frigids rolling desk chair from the opposite corner of the room with my horn, I sat gently into it. The pegasus-designed rollers squeaked in protest of my heavier frame, and I lightly brushed one of Frigids feathers back into place.
"Are you feeling better?" If I hadn't been the one to speak, I would have sworn no words had been said. Frigid paused for the longest few seconds I had felt in years, and slowly shook his head. The slow movement felt like a spike driven into my heart. we sat in silence for a few minutes before I could work up the courage to speak again.
"I know how hard it must have been for you today... I'm not saying that what you did was justified, but... I know that Mom will forgive you. You were upset, it happens to all of us." More silence greeted those words after they left me, and I couldn't help but sigh. "Remember what Grandad always used to say? About life being hard, and sometimes the only way to feel good is to pretend it isn't?" A slow nod crinkled the pillowcase Frigid was plastered up against and I continued. "Remember how he used to just take us up to the old walnut tree on the hill and we could just watch the clouds drift by, and you'd always fall asleep? He always took us there when things got hard. After Sis got hurt, and when Pa found out he couldn't work anymore... but he took us there on good days too, remember? And every time, you'd curl up on the gnarled root of that old walnut tree and just drift away..." I carefully studied Frigids' powder-blue mane for any sign of acknowledgement. I got nothing for the effort.
"Grandad always told me that you were visiting the stars, and that dreams made it easier to cope with things sometimes. But he always made sure to tell us that we couldn't rely on our dreams to take care of us. In the end, we're always going to wake up and our problems will still be there. He told me we couldn't let ourselves start to prefer our dreams over what was real... and he was right. every time things got hard, it was always so tempting to just curl up on that gnarled old root and let myself drift away with you, but I couldn't. He said he'd give you the same talk when you were old enough, but I don't even know if he had time to before..." I trailed off, my chest fending away the clawing feeling that had crept into it. Frigid stayed silent, his breathing slowly working away from the choppy spurts that had started outside the Academy. I allowed myself the tiniest of smiles at that.
"He said that we should always sleep bitter, that the morning may taste sweeter. I never understood what it meant for the longest time until I went to magic school. I couldn't so much as lift a bucket of water a foot off the ground, and some of the other colts were starting to pester me about it... I had a sanctuary in the hedges that I liked to get into, just for napping. After a while, I found myself looking forward to those naps more and more, and I stopped trying as hard in class. When Grandad died, I remembered what he'd said and... I guess somehow I finally understood. he was trying to tell me that no matter what I dreamed about, I couldn't hide from the thing that made me seek the dreams in the first place. I don't know why I got it then. It was hard, but I made myself try more in class and, eventually, I stopped having trouble with my magic. After that I never needed the hedges again." I looked down from the ceiling and gave a glance towards my brother, whose' wings had slid from their folded position and over the sides of his mattress.
"I guess you're asleep, huh? I wonder how much of that you heard..." I stood up, the wheels of the desk chair creaking again in relief as they were freed from my weight. "I know it's going to be a hard night for you, Frigid. You always did have nightmares when you fell asleep sad." I pulled his blanket over him, feeling that the heat of the day would most certainly break before he woke. "I know this is going to be a bitter sleep for you, Frigid, but... Try to taste how sweet the morning will be, okay?" I murmured as if to myself. A final gaze cast towards my brother and I left, seeing the last bit of sunset disappear behind a gnarled old walnut tree.
====
Frigid woke up in a cold sweat, his blanket bunched haphazardly along the edge of his bed. he'd pushed it off of himself some time before the heat had broken, he could tell- though he couldn't remember quite how it had gotten there in the first place. He couldn't tell how long he'd been asleep, only that the moon was well past its' zenith in the deep indigo sky. Frigid stepped into the brisk first breeze of Autumn and took a deep breath. It tasted of walnuts.
"Bitter..."
Author's Note
This story is one of the few things I've ever sat down and typed start to finish without interruption. I've held the phrase that inspired this fic near and dear to my heart for so long, I can scarcely imagine when I first began using it.
Sleep bitterly that the morning may taste sweeter, and let the breeze of waking breath from mortal coil free you.
I admit that this is the first time that even I have said the second part.
To sleep is to cleanse the soul of the day, and to wake is to emerge baptized in a new beginning. To me, waking up and wishing I hadn't was- and occasionally still is- one of the most terrifying thoughts I've ever entertained.
Whatever you believe about dreams, if they're a projection of the subconscious, a prophetic force of mysterious origin, or any of the multitude of other theories that float around the worlds' many cultures, I hope yours are just a bit more bitter than mine.
