Zabuza goes to Hell (It's actually Equestria)
Exhausted and bloodied but still standing, Kakashi quietly groaned as he applied pressure to the seeping gash in his chest while sniffing the air intently. ‘Ow…’ he thought ‘that was not fun. Still,’ he reasoned idly while flying through a set of handseals, ‘sometimes you have to let them cut the flesh so I can break bones.’ With a surge of chakra, the ninja slammed his hands into the ground and called out an incantation. “Kuchiyose: Doton: Tsuiga no jutsu!”
Meanwhile, a certain ninja swordsman silently lurked in the banks of the thick mist that he had produced and feeling pretty darn good about himself. “Whatever you do is useless,” he taunted, “you can’t figure out where I am. Kakashi, you are trapped by my jutsu.” ‘I am on fire today!’ Zabuza congratulated himself, ‘I think I’ll treat myself…I have a weird craving for cake.’ Zabuza gave a small, but determined nod. ‘Cake for killing Kakashi. Awesome.’
Unfortunately for Zabuza, his future dietary plans were rudely interrupted by the second to last sentence that Zabuza ever wanted to hear from Kakashi’s mouth: “But I know exactly where you are.”
RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE
“That’s…not a good sound.” Zabuza murmured to himself moments before the ground beneath erupted with a pack of snarling ninken, who sank their teeth into the Mist assassin. ‘This…is…the…worst…pain!’
“That’s what happens when you have your eyes shut in the mist.” Kakashi calmly called out to the trapped ninja as the conjured mist began to fade. “This summoning is specially designed for tracking down an opponent.” Kakashi locked eyes with Zabuza, trapping the swordsman in his sharingan gaze. “The reason I let you spill my blood was for this: you soaked your weapons with the scent of my blood. My cute little ninken were able to track you down no problem.” Kakashi’s eyes narrowed, “The mist has cleared,” he declared, “your future is death.”
“My future is death?” Zabuza scoffed, acting far calmer than he actually was at the moment, “I’m sick of your crap!”
“Don’t be foolish…” Kakashi retorted, “There’s nothing you can do in this situation. Your death is certain.”
Zabuza had to resist rolling his eyes as Kakashi went on to lecture the missing ninja about his misdeeds. ‘Are you kidding me?’ Zabuza thought as he struggled futilely against the iron grip of the ninken. ‘The man has me on a silver platter and he stops to monologue? I can’t believe I’m losing to this idiot!’
After a quick series of handseals, Kakashi’s hand began to loudly chirp with visible energy. “Prepare to witness my one original jutsu! Raikiri!”
‘Oh crap!’
At that very moment, Zabuza’s faithful sidekick Haku prepared to die at the hands of Naruto. Having failed in his role as the perfect weapon, he knew that his only choice was to die. Giving the teary eyed blond shinobi in front of him a gentle nod; Haku watched the kunai swing towards his face with a serene dignity.
But suddenly Haku’s eyes widened, ‘My Zabuza senses are tingling!’ With a fluid motion, the young assassin blocked Naruto’s clumsy thrust. “Sorry Naruto,” he apologized, “I can’t die just yet!” With those words, Haku made a handsign and vanished with a burst of smoke.
“Huh?” Naruto exclaimed in complete bafflement. “What just happened?”
Zabuza looked on with a grim expression at the rapidly approaching form of his soon to be killer, determined to stare into the eyes of the man who beat him when blood suddenly flew through the air, splattering every nearby surface. Zabuza barely noticed the vice grip pinning him in place disappear as he took in the sight of his loyal servant standing before him with Kakashi’s hand sticking through his chest.
“Za…buza…” Haku croaked out, using the tone he employed whenever he was seeking praise.
“My future is death?” Zabuza says with only the slightest of quavers in his voice, “Heh…you’re wrong again Kakashi.” Watching Kakashi struggle to pull his hand from the deathgrip that Haku had on it, Zabuza crushed the painful emotions swirling inside of him into a ball and forced it down into his gut. Zabuza grabbed hold of his blade with his only working arm. “Great job…Haku.”
Kakashi’s eyes widened, ‘He plans to cut through both of us!”
“I sure picked up something useful!” Zabuza growled, “Giving me this final chance!” With a mighty bellow, the assassin swung his enormous blade at the two ninja, but hit only air as his brief moment of hesitation was just enough for Kakashi to break free and move them out of the way. With an annoyed growl, Zabuza went on the offensive but found himself infuriatingly outmatched. “Why can’t I keep up with you?” he growled in frustration, driven to his knees from the damage Kakashi had inflicted, left arm hanging dead at his waist.
“You just don’t get it do you?” Kakashi replied sadly, “You can’t match me as you are.” The silver haired jonin pulled out a kunai from his pouch and twirled it in his hand. “This is good bye…Devil!”
Zabuza snarled and swung his blade behind him as quickly as he could, catching Kakashi by surprise and throwing off his killing stroke—only to have the kunai completely piece his right arm, leaving it just as useless as its counterpart.
“Now both arms are useless,” Kakashi informed him “you can’t even perform a seal.”
‘Gee, I didn’t notice.’ Zabuza thought bitterly, somehow still possessing the energy for sarcasm.
“Ooh,” a slimy voice sighed, “it looks like you’re getting your butt kicked! How disappointing Zabuza!” A small balding man stood before a veritable army of thugs with a vicious smile on his face.
“Gato…” Zabuza growled, “What is the meaning of this? And what are you doing with all these men?”
Gato smirked, “Zabuza, I’m going to have you killed here.”
Zabuza widened his eyes, “What?”
Gato’s smile only grew wider, “I never planned on paying you any money. Hiring a ninja from a village is expensive and they may betray me, so I find it easier to get missing ninja like you to do my dirty work and then dispose of them once they’re weakened with numbers. It’s all very neat and tidy.” Gato frowned, “The only problem in the plan was you Zabuza. The Devil of the Hidden Mist? What a joke. You’re just a cute little baby devil.”
“Kakashi I’m sorry,” Zabuza said, “this fight is over. I no longer have any reason to go after the bridge builder.” Kakashi nodded in agreement; at his level of exhaustion even a badly wounded Zabuza was an asset when faced with the mob ahead.
Gato made his way over to the serene corpse of Haku and kicked him out of petty spite, setting Naruto off at the blatant disrespect. “What are you doing?” he screamed at Zabuza, “Why don’t you say something?! Weren’t you friends?”
“Shut up kid.” Zabuza growled after swallowing the lump in his throat. “Haku is already dead.”
“Don’t you feel anything at all?” Naruto shouted, “Weren't you two always together?”
Zabuza avoided eye contact with the angry boy and began to lie. “As I was used by Gato, I used Haku. That’s all it was. In this shinobi world there are only those who use and those who get used. We shinobi are tools. All I wanted was his power, not him. I have no regrets.”
“Hey…” Naruto said, numbly, “Do you really mean that?” He began to stomp towards Zabuza before being snatched back by Kakashi.
“Don’t go charging in Naruto!” Kakashi scolded, “We’re not fighting him any more! Look at the enemy numbers!”
“SHUT UP! My enemy is still him!” the distraught boy declared with an accusing finger pointed at the injured assassin. “He really loved you!” he pleaded, “He loved you that much! Do you really…not feel anything at all? He threw his life away for you! To die as a tool without a dream…that’s too sad!”
Naruto’s words finally pushed Zabuza over the edge, and the feelings that he had tried so hard to bury overwhelmed him. “Kid…” Zabuza said, tears rolling down his face, “you don’t need to say anything more…kid…it pained him to fight you. Haku fought not only for me, he fought you guys too.” Zabuza gazed somberly at the lifeless body of Haku for a moment before speaking again. “He was too kind. You were right kid; a shinobi is still a human. We may not be able to become emotionless tools…I’ve lost.” Zabuza shook the bandages surrounding his face loose. “Kid,” he barked, “Let me borrow one of your kunai!”
Naruto blinked, and then his eyes widened in realization. “Yeah.” He replied, and tossed one of his blades to his former foe.
Zabuza caught the blade between his sharpened teeth and took off in a mad dash for the sleazy businessman standing over his dead comrade. What happened next was mostly a blur to the demon of the mist as he plowed through the army in front of him like a berserker, before finally reaching his target and impaling the tyrannical businessman on the borrowed blade.
Gato coughed, “If you want to go to the same place as your friend…”
“No,” Zabuza interrupted, “I don’t plan on going to the same place as Haku…however, you and I are going to hell, together!” With one burst of strength, Zabuza removed the odious man’s head in clean motion.
‘This is goodbye Haku…’ Zabuza thought as his strength finally failed him and he fell to the ground, life beginning to slip away from him. ‘Thank you for everything…I’m sorry…”
When Zabuza opened his eyes again, he wasn’t quite sure what to make of the situation. He was lying on field of the softest grass he had ever felt and everything around him was vividly bright, colorful and oddly...perfect. The sky was the deepest blue he had ever seen, with just enough cloud cover, and just enough wind to keep it from getting too hot.
‘Is this…hell?’ he thought to himself in confusion. ‘It’s a lot more…pleasant than I expected.’ Zabuza sat up. To his surprise, lying next to him was his trusty decapitating butcher blade. ‘Didn’t think I’d get to keep this…’ he thought, ‘but then again, none of this is turning out like I expected.’
Zabuza was snapped out of his reverie by the sound of something in the distance. Leaping to his feet, and grabbing his sword after checking to make sure his injuries hadn’t followed him to the afterlife the ninja speed off in the direction of the strange noise. Before long, Zabuza came upon a small village made up quaint looking thatched roof houses and the noise grew louder and louder until Zabuza was able to identify it—it was music!
I like to see you grin,
I love to see you beam,
The corners of your mouth turned up
Is always Pinkie’s dream!
“What in the name of—“ Zabuza leapt up onto the roof of one of the buildings to get a better vantage point and what he saw made his mouth drop. A tiny pink horse was leading a group of other, similarly colorful…creatures in a song and dance routine.
‘Cause I love to make you
Grin grin grin (Yes I do)
Bust it out from ear to ear
Let it begin!
Acting out of instinct at this point, Zabuza leapt from his perch directly into the path of the singing group. He needed to put a stop to this saccharine display, one way or the other. Meanwhile, the pony parade continued onward, oblivious to the dangerous stranger standing before them.
Come on everypony!
Smile smile smile!
Fill my heart up with sunshine sunshine!
All I really need’s a smile smile smile!
From these happy friends of miiii—
Suddenly, the entire congregation of ponies became aware of the tall menacing figure standing before them in their town square. The music ground to a halt. All of the ponies stopped singing and froze. A lone tumbleweed blew through. Somewhere, a baby started crying.
Zabuza facepalmed. “Yes.” He confirmed to himself, “this is definitely hell after all.”
And then the screaming started.
Author's Note
So this is just an idea that came to me as I prepared my Zabuza outfit for A-Kon in Dallas this year and I had to get onto paper. Let me know if I should continue.