Tales by Balefirelight (a Fallout: Equestria Group Collab)

Smiles

by Sophos

It was the sixth time, SIXTH time.

“What. Is. Wrong, with you Ponies?”

“We should be asking you that! Mr. Smiley, if that is your real name!” Barked the Sheriff.

“You all know it isn't!”

“He admits to it!”

I wanted to stomp down the whole of the gallows, almost feasible considering its shoddy construction, but feared I might only break through the trap door.

“How many times have we been through this! Seriously, lets go through them.”

“Uh, the first time was when we found that dog mutilated.” Stated a villager in a straw hat.

“And we found out it was just a landmine.”

“Then there was the time all the pies went missing.”

“And after just a little bit of asking around, we discovered that fat ass.” I pointed to the elderly obese Donkey in the room.

“Heh, guilty as charged.” He said as he rubbed his stomach.

“And then my makeup was stolen.” Said a dark and brooding mare.

“And we found ALL of it on your daughters face.”

“Then there was the doctor who died laughing.” Said the straw hatted villager.

“The one that was a junkie, and over-dosed.”

“Yeah, we should of known that one wasn't you! Woo, am I right?” Everypony laughed.

“Yeah,” I rolled my eyes. “...I'm gonna need ice for that one.”

“Well, it was perfectly reasonable when my colt disappeared.” Stated another mare. “He was always talked about how scared he was of you.”

“He was AFRAID OF CLOWNS!” I looked over the dank, rotten village that was my home. Why I came to this swamp I no longer remembered, I think it had to do with spreading cheer. Why I stayed, was no longer an issue. “That's what this has all been about from the beginning, hasn't it? Is it SO HARD to believe that I'm just an honest to Celestia clown!?”

“Yes!” Nods followed. “In the Wasteland? That's just crazy.”

“None of that matters,” Said the Sheriff. “...this time it HAS to be you. Nopony else had a reason to murder your wife!”

“Now that, I find hard to believe.” Laughs. Really.

“We should hang you more often, it's the only time you actually get laughs out of us.” Said straw hat.

“Fine, how about I make you a deal, Smiley?” Started the Sheriff. “If you can make us all laugh, right now, we'll agree that you're just a clown and let you go.”

*SIGH* If I got out of this noose, I would pack my rubber chicken and go; maybe to Reino or Las Pegasus. The problem was, these Ponies had no taste. I searched my mind for the crudest, most tasteless joke I knew. “What's the difference between an onion, and a dead hooker? ... I cry when I cut up the onion.”