Pinkie Pie Finds a Bucket of Ds

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3280

Pinkie Pie finds a big ol' bucket o' Ds. Like, a bunch of them. She can't even count how many Ds are in the bucket! Then again she's kinda stupid. So watch what she does with this big bucket of Ds! Spoilers: It's terrifying.

You know that pink dork who hangs out in Ponyville in the bakery? You know the one. Yeah, she found a bucket of Ds. Nothing good can come from this, this is the worst scenario I can imagine. She is armed and mentally unsound, may the higher powers save us all.

I mean, who in the heck just leaves a bucket full of one letter lying around? I can't even think of that many times when the letter D is used either! I mean, it's used a bunch in common speech, but I don't know all that many things in Equestria with a D in their name.

This story was written on a whim and because I got bored. I hope Shawn Michaels notices me today.

Published 2014-05-10 22:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-13 17:18:30 UTC

Chapter 1: Twilight Gets The D

Pinkie Pie is nutsz. She goes nutsz every day. She’s basically just one giant pink peanut. Except for that biologically she’s a pony, and a little one too. Alright, so basically these last few sentences have been lies, but what is not a lie is that she once found a bucket of Ds and just threw them all over the place. They were all over the walls, all over the floor, all over the ceiling. The day that Pinkie Pie found a bucket of Ds, they say that several ponies died across Equestria. I don’t know if these incidents were related, but it can’t just be coincidence.

Understand this, one day Pinkie Pie was going about town, skipping and bouncing like she was made of rubber. Tests have shown that while Pinkie Pie is indeed composed of pony flesh, we still suspect that she may be part rubber and a bit of cotton candy. And on one fantastic day of her travels throughout the town of Ponyville, Pinkie Pie just so happened to be carrying a big metal bucket on her back that sloshed with every little hop. And where was she going with this aluminum pail? Why, to the house of Ponyville’s very own princess, Twilight Sparkle!

So when Pinkie arrived at the door of the famed nerdicorn’s house, she did sick hoof-combos against the door, as she is one to do since knocking is wayyy too boring. Twilight, meanwhile, was inside being all like ‘Well that’d be Pinkie Pie. Come to interrupt my studies no doubt.’ but regardless, she still was pretty much always pleased with the arrival of Pinkie Pie. So she put down one of the thousands of books she was reading and opened the front door of her house. She was then slapped right in the face with a big, floppy, soggy D that curled itself around her horn.

Pinkie Pie, in all her curly-as-a-bush maned fury, pounced upon Twilight who had just been stunlocked by a D. The bucket, meanwhile, stood perfectly still on her back. “Hey Twilight, guess what?!”

Twilight knocked the pink pony off and got back to her hooves. Once free from the floor-prison, she tried to get the silly thing wrapped around her horn off of her. “You found a new toy in the Everfree Forest again?”

“Not this time! You see, I was in the bathroom at sugarcube corner.”

‘Oh good heavens,’ thought Twilight, ‘here comes the nightmares.’

“You know, to wash my hooves, and I thought ‘hmm, what if I used the boy’s bathroom? Is it any different?’ and so I totally burst through the door and there was a bunch of stallions there already! They started freaking out so I kicked them out of the bathroom and declared it my kingdom, it was a pretty awesome hostile takeover. And one of the prizes that I got from my conquest was a big bucket of Ds!” And she capitalized on the moment to show Twilight the big bucket of sopping wet Ds.

Twilight was horrified with the awful mess before her, and then she looked in the bucket and started wigging out. “Pinkie, you have to be careful with those. If you throw those around too much some poor pony might lose their identity.”

“Oh come on Twilight! What’s the worse that can happen? It’s not like it can measure up to the great peanut butter experiment.”

If Pinkie was not Twilight’s friend she would be flipping dead right now, for reals. But still, she did have a point, and so Twilight could only sigh and support her friend’s probably harmless fun. “Alright, just try and be careful. And for the sake of all that is good and harmonious, never go to the schoolyard with that. The kids have enough problems.”

“Okie dokey lokie!” And so Pinkie Pie bounded right out of the room. Right towards the local schoolyard where all the kids were playing.

Chapter 3: Animals Always go for the D

Fluttershy was embracing the enchanting and calm nature of the wild in the Everfree Forest, relaxing and frollicking about with her animal friends. And what better way to rejoice in her day than with a song? A song as once sung by a very happy cowboy who was once arrested for cannibalism but saved by a ninja cosplaying as a native american. From her mouth erupted joyfully dulcet tones proclaiming the day to be described in only one word: Shpadoinkle.

Fluttershy would’ve went on but then she was muted by the efforts of a wild D that wrapped itself around her snout and kept her from opening her mouth. But that was not all, before she knew it all her animal friends were being D’d, as D after D was sent out from the shadows and wrapped around all her small animal friends. They could not escape, the Ds were too strong!

And who was the culprit behind all this? Why it was Pinkie Pie of course! She popped out from a nearby bush whilst brandishing a bucket of Ds and continued with her assault, capturing all of the small denizens of the forest with her amazing D throwing skills!

“Okay everypony, you get a D, you get a D, and you get a D!” Squirrels, mice, birdies, groundhogs, echidnas, ducks, and all manner of small forest creature fell victim as Pinkie Pie wrapped the Ds around every animal in sight, binding them and preventing them from escaping her rampage!

But then, a noble bear of the woods appeared, storming into the clearing. Claws were out, fangs were bared, and this big ol’ bubba was roaring and ready to hug the curly haired pink pony in revenge for his fallen friends. He charged forth, ready to rip her to shreds! But then he tripped up as one of his paws was caught in a D just laying on the ground in wait. And as he fell flat Pinkie Pie disabled him by binding his other paws with an assortment of other Ds she produced from the bucket.

But before the bear could get up and adapt his wicked fighting style for the situation, Pinkie Pie pulled out the biggest D she had. “I brought this one from home!” And she slammed it on the bear, coiling it around it’s giant furry body. He was totally stuck and could not move. He was D-feated.

Even animals could not escape the might of Pinkie Pie’s D weapons! And then looked at Fluttershy again. Fluttershy saw this and backed up against a tree. There was nowhere to run, she couldn’t hide, she was at the mercy of Pinkie and the bucket of Ds. And both of these terrifying entities approached her.

But instead of the voice of absolute evil that Flutters expected, Pinkie stated very clearly in her typical excitable voice. “Hey Fluttershy, I found a bucket of Ds! They are totally fun! You should come with me into Ponyville, we’re all gonna have tons of fun!”

Fluttershy shook her head from left to right slowly, for even if she would speak she couldn’t because of the D still wrapped taught around her snoot.

“Aww, fine. Seeya later alligator!”

And then Pinkie Pie skipped off away, leaving behind Fluttershy and a bunch of bound animals in a forest clearing. Basically it’s nothing different than what happens on wednesday nights.

Chapter 4: The Royal D

The cannon was loaded with the ammunition of a most devastating nature. None shall escape the plague that shall be set upon Canterlot from the outskirts of Ponyville. Pinkie Pie’s party cannon was known for it’s close quarters nature to which it would beset a barrage of streamers and cupcakes upon the innocents, yet for now it would be used for a much more insidious purpose. She fired it off into the air, and relished the thought of it’s effects upon the monarchy.

Meanwhile, Princess Celestia was busy scolding one of her servants while on her throne in her Canterlot castle.

“Citizen of Equestria, for your crimes of a most heinous nature you shall be put to death. What do you offer in your defense?”

“Well you see, we were out of grape jelly so I looked everywhere for any other kind and I found a big tub of petroleum jelly and I thought it would’ve been just the same!”

“Your excuses are not relevant. If you have nothing else to say then it is with the power vested in me granted by the citizens of Equestria that you will be put to-” And then she was slapped in the face with a free-flying D. She closed her eyes at the impact and just kept them shut due to a certain lack of bucks to be given to anything anymore.

“Princess, are you okay?”

“Just get out. I’m done. I do not need this. Please leave. I’m done. We’re officially done professionally. I quit. I did not wake up this morning to get hit in the face with a D. Just get out of here!”

And so the servant ran free that day as Celestia just stayed still on her throne with a floppy D stuck to her face.

Pinkie Pie thought that nothing important would happen from just one cannon blast, so she adjusted the coordinates to compensate for ponies running in fear and loaded up the cannon with a hoof-full of Ds. With everything ready, she set it off again and sent Ds flying towards the castle.

Since Pinkie Pie wasn’t doing anything after this, let’s focus on Luna. Luna, was sitting in the royal dining room for her afternoon luncheon. She made only one simple request, she wanted a bowl of cereal. And so the cook came in with a big bowl filled with milk, because for some reason the servants of the royal palace never stock up the kitchen with cereal.

Anyways, when the bowl of milk was set before Luna, she looked at it for one moment before she just got super disgruntled. “Thou hath best have a good reason for this travesty.”

“Well you see, it’s a special kind of cereal. It’s totally invisible!”

And just then a bunch of Ds came in through the window and landed right in the bowl just as Luna wasn’t looking. Luna returned her sight to the bowl to judge the servant’s claim and then totally called him out. “I can see the cereal just fine. Thou may wish to return home with urgency lest the flames from thine pants spread throughout thine home.”

She then dug in and ate up the big bowl of Ds with milk, savoring each and every chewy bite.

Chapter 5: A Rainbow Of Ds

Pinkie Pie was scampering about town without a care and with a big bucket of Ds on her back. There was nothing at all that could make this day even better! And its just so that the alleged ‘nothing at all’ happened to be flying high in the sky with even more joviality! A certain rainbow flavored nothing.

Indeed, Rainbow Dash was practicing for a change in leiu of her typical laziness and was all too happy to be going at speeds once unseen by most ponies. She would be going faster, but she was really overweight thanks to the fact that she can’t cook and so she eats nothing but junk food all the time.

Pinkie Pie thought about just waving her hoof and shouting out to her friend to join her in her activities, but then she didn’t because that’d be lame. No, she had an even better plan. She got out a nicely rounded D from the bucket and began spinning around, right round baby, right round. Then, with the perfect pitch, she threw it right at her multicolored compatriot and knocked her right on the side of her cheek.

Rainbow Dash was caught off guard and began spiraling out of control. The rainbow maned dorkusus plummeted to the ground at speeds once unseen by most ponies. In moments she made contact with the ground but the ground was a better negotiator and ended up breaking one of her wings.

“Ah jeez, I broke my wing for the seventeenth time this month!” She said, recalling that it was only the second day in the month. There’s a good reason that her worker’s compensation requires her to wear goggles when she’s on duty.

Anyways, Pinkie saw that her friend was totally busted up, and so she did what any good friend would do. She skipped away from the dorkusus to get along with her day.

Chapter 6: All Good Ds Come to an End

Pinkie Pie has by far proven to be the most felonious criminal in all of Equestrian history, and all of this would never have happened had she never been armed with the tenacious D. Oh well, time to put her down. And it seems the narrator was not the only one to come to this conclusion, for Pinkie’s friends had gathered outside the Sugarcube Corner with the same resolve. It was time they kill their friend before she kills everyone else with her deadly D.

It was noon, so Pinkie was in a diabetic coma and knocked the hay out. However if the remaining elements of harmony were to succeed in their mission, they would have to tread lightly lest they incur the wrath of the Pinkest D in the land. And so they gathered round the front of Pinkie Pie’s bedroom door to collaborate on what they should do.

“Alright.” Stated Twilight Sparkle, Alicorn princess and leader of this band of misfits and jerks. “We can’t let Pinkie Pie go on like this, she is just too OP. We need to murder her and keep her from ever using the D on anypony ever again. Any objections?”

All the ponies started nodding except for this yellow idiot who spoke up in such a low tone that it was practically a whisper. “But can’t we just take away the bucket?” Said the pony whose name was probably Butterfree or something lame like that.

“Fluttershy, there is a time and place for stupid suggestions and this is neither of those. Please never talk again or it’s back to the dungeon with you.”

“But, but I just.” And Fluttershy straight up broke down in tears like a kid who just watched Bambi.

Twilight clapped a hoof to her face in exasperation. “Alright alright, we’ll go with your plan.” She said, giving into the big baby.

And so Twilight burst through the door with her four friends, but all their massive preparation could not prepare them for the horrors in front of them. What they saw was Pinkie Pie without any clothes on passed out next to a bucket of Ds. The horror. The horror.

Anyways, they stealthily trampled over to Pinkie Pie and snatched up the bucket in unison and threw it out the window. Pinkie Pie woke up from the sound of her bedroom window shattering because of this and was totally freaking out. “Ah! Why are you all in my room?” She said, looking around.

“Pinkie, you were becoming a total nuisance with those Ds. We had to take them away from you before you killed us.”

“But guys, what’s a little old D going to do to any of you?”

Rainbow Dash took her turn speaking, for the first time in this story. “Pinkie, you murdered an entire family with those Ds.”

“I did?”

“Okay, maybe not, but still. You need to give up the D, it’s too tenacious for you.”

“Fine you guys.” And with this comforting thought the rest of her friends left her house. Once they were out of earshot, Pinkie began talking to herself. “But you never said anything about not going around with a bucket of Zs!”

The End.

Oh, crud, I almost forgot you might want to know where the bucket of Ds came from. Alright, well that’s kinda related to what happened outside when the bucket was thrown outside. So anyways when the bucket was thrown outside it totally clanged up on somepony’s head and they got knocked the buck out. And then another pony came up on the scene and was totally hype.

“Finally, I have found my bucket of Ds!” He exclaimed to the universe. “And now I, Dudley of Diamond Dallas Dude’s D Department and Deportmentorium shall be able to provide this world with all of it’s D and D accessory needs!” And so he picked the bucket up out of the pooling blood around the knocked out pony and ran back to start up his business.

Alright, so that should wrap things up. What’s that? You want to know about all this other bullcorn that was tangential for the story? Well too bad!

The End.

Author's Note

This is by far the most stupid, lame, and asinine story I have ever written. I didn't put an ounce of effort into any of the chapters, plot, or characters. I probably stole more jokes than made them, and I regret this story.

Why the hay is it one of my best?

Chapter 2: The Kids Love the D!

All the children were playing and having fun and enjoying this wonderful day! But then Pinkie Pie came out of nowhere with a big bucket of Ds. Of course, most of the children were frightened just to see Pinkie Pie in the schoolyard at all, especially after the last incident where restraining orders and bricks were involved. One of the small fillies named Scootaloo approached the ever-smiling pink pony.

“Hey Pinkie Pie, whatcha got there?”

Pinkie Pie beaned Scoots with a nice hard D which knocked her clean off her hooves. Fun fact: Ds can be pretty deadly, I’m pretty sure weapons that looked like Ds were once used to decapitate capital offenders in Equestria back when ponies murdered each other. And as all the children stared in terror at their fallen chicken friend, Pinkie Pie took that moment to start scattering Ds all over the place, smacking each kid with a sloppy D. The children ran every which way possible, trying to escape the D-struction of their innocence.

Cheerilee, curious by the odd sounds of more terminal chaos coming out from the schoolyard, left the classroom to look around and see why all these kids were keeping her from a meeting with her dear friend: Mister Drinky. Mister Drinky, as you should know, is the dear friend to all children of Miss Cheerilee’s class that they all spend snack time with who keeps them all entertained. Mister Drinky loves Cheerilee, he loves the kids, and most of all they all love him. But what can you expect from a sock puppet?

Anyways, when Cheerilee poked her head out of the doorway to spot the children, she saw that they were all coated in a fine layer of Ds. The horror. The horror. Nary a child in sight could escape the D-ecimation of their premature lives. Cheerilee stepped out of the doorway but was then hit with a giant red D and knocked right out.

All the children went quiet as their gaze gradually shifted from sporadically going everywhere to collaborating upon the unconscious form of Cheerilee. They then looked from the body to Pinkie Pie who was totally stunned. She totally bailed after realizing what she did, but not before pasting a sticky note onto Scootaloo that read ‘I did it.’ Scootaloo was grounded for over eleventy billion years when Cheerilee woke up.