Cultures are hard, Anon's is harder and Rarity doesn't get it.

by kotor511

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Rarity, Random, Slice of Life, Human
Length: 2906

What happens when a female pony fashion designer meets a naked human? They chat! With chats come questions and responses, some are better understood than others... Especially when the pony isn't familiar with the 'human language'.

What happens when a female pony fashion designer meets a naked human? No, not sex, they have a chat! With that chat come questions and responses, some are better understood than others... Especially when the pony isn't familiar with the 'human language'... or the human anatomy.
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My first attempt at writing, and it's a one shot, what else?
This was originally a thread post in the HiE forum, but then I thought 1826 words should be enough for a one shot short story. So I began to polish it a bit and now it's roughly 2800 words long. More info on the origin of this in the author's note!
Enjoy!

Published 2014-05-10 01:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-10 01:00:02 UTC

Johnny be Good (Revised)

Author's Note

Chapter Edited: Because of the increasing numbers of likes, I felt obligated to reduce the number of misspells, mistakes, and strange wordings of this chapter, therefore I made some slight edits with a noticeable different ending.
Hopefully, it's pleasurable enough.

Yeah so first off, I'm drunk and having fun, so I read a clopfic about HiE x Rarity, then I was wondering... how do equestrians know the terminologies of homo sapient earthlings? I mean almost anything we say, several words, innuendos and proverbs should be completely unfamiliar to the ponies, if they were raised in an equine society.
Therefore we could have the following misunderstandings, if a human male finds his way to equestria and has a talk with Rarity... also the human is naked, since he decided to drop his clothes for whatever reason.

WARNING: CRUDE HUMOR INBOUND!
Get your beverage ready for spit takes!

Johnny be Good (Revised)

On a sunny summer morning, Anon, a human male in his early twenties, was strolling around the colorful town of Ponyville, which is a small town located in the land of Equestria. He went to the Carousel Boutique, to order some clothes for himself. He's been living in Ponyville for a while now, so he knew his way through the small town. Although he decided to generally not wear any clothes in public anymore, just in case he wanted to have a spare pair ready for whatever reason.

As our human fellow arrived inside the Carousel Boutique, he stumbles upon its owner, the fabulous seamstress and upstarting designer Rarity. She was a pony, a unicorn to be specific, a magically gifted kind, just like many other inhabitants of Ponyville. Aside from unicorns, there were pegasi, with wings instead of a horn and earth ponies, without any extra limbs.

Apparently in Equestria, 'ponies', if you can call them that, as their facial features are seemingly very humanized and they are also smaller and cleaner than any ponies you'd find on earth, were intelligent creatures, capable of feelings similar to humans, as well as speech. Curios enough, it turned out their native language was English, with them insisting on it being called Equish. Furthermore, they had formed one of the leading civilizations of Equis, their home-world. Anon was the first human to visit Equestria after a long gap of three thousand years, meaning that these days in Equestria, humans were simply considered a myth, until he appeared out of nowhere.

This of course led to many questions, or misunderstandings between Anon and the ponies, concerning inter special social etiquette and other cultural differences, such as the 'unnecessary' habit of wearing clothes all the time in public. When they first tried to convince Anon that he could just go around naked, he usually flipped them the bird, the meaning of this strange gesture of course completely lost on the ponies, sometimes causing them to look upward in confusion due to his misread intended message.

There was no chance in Tartarus for them to understand his double bird flipping.

Finally, since Anon didn't have a spare set of clothes, the one set he usually wore was unfortunately assaulted by an on storm of welcoming cake pastry, thanks to Pinkamina Diane Pie, la mistress de partie extraordinaire and the pinkest pony around, he reconsidered and decided for short to just walk around in his birthday suit, the one suit not even pastry could ruin... only improve. Mainly, since the temperatures were awesome during the equestrian summer, and Ponyville was basically what humans would consider a nudist colony, he soon gave in to the feeling of comfort and stopped being bothered by not wearing anything to cover him.

So here he was, Anon the human male, shamelessly naked... well except for the shoes because fuck pony cobblestones and dirt roads, there are splinters you know, at least those were his thoughts, strolling around on an alien planet, in an alien society, with alien nude ponies almost everywhere you look.

Ain't that dandy?

As he arrived at his destination, he opened to door to the 'Carousel Boutique', letting the door bell ring its merry jingle. Soon, he was met with Rarity, an alabaster mare with sapphire blue eyes and a curly purple mane. She greeted him with her standard friendly smile for friends, a smile that would make certain dragon hearts melt by the way, but inside her mind it soon turned into an expression of surprise, as she saw him approaching her naked.

Now Rarity was a mare of elegance and dignity, she appraised ponies especially by their looks, since she was a designer and had a keen eye for detail, while still trying to be polite and friendly as possible. Nevertheless, she didn't feel awkward for ponies, or in this case a human, to greet her without clothes on, it was just a pretty normal thing in equestrian society after all... although there was something Rarity felt she needed confirmation about. Something concerning his gender.

Anon stood in front of Rarity, barely 5 feet away, as he greeted her with a friendly smile... although some might consider it a shit eating grin. Rarity was still doing likewise, although she kept wondering about him not wearing any clothes this time, having a hard time to keep up her image of friendliness, instead of surprise.

Aside from him not wearing clothes, there was one other thing in his nether regions that caught her eyes... It was hard to overlook anyway, since she barely came with her head to his belly button. Now Rarity had some experience with the opposite gender, playmare taught her well after all, and probably already knew what it was... but she still felt the need to confirm her suspicions. It looked kind of strange to her anyway.

"Hey Rarity! How's business doing?" He asked, wearing the same smug grin, or what he thought was smiling, for whatever reason.

She replied with a genuine smile herself, patting her own mane slightly. "Oh Anon! How delightful to see you in my boutique! Business is doing fine, thank you for asking.... Now what could be the reason for your early visit?"

"I just wanted to ask you, if you could make me a spare set of clothes? My old set unfortunately fell victim to Pinkie Pie's over enthusiastic antics, and I couldn't get any of the stains out... or scrap the hardened pastry off for that matter! You know how she is," he sighed with a frown, inspecting the ceiling with his eyes.

Wincing slightly, she replied "Oh, I do know darling, believe me," nodding understandingly with her eyes closed, when she opened them again, a smile was still evident on her face, "it will be a pleasure for me to work on a new set of clothes for the mythological novelty of our little town... and a friend of course!" she added hastily. Anon only snickered a bit. The mare was known for always seeking inspirational fuel, and opportunities to test her skills as a designer.

But then, a nagging question came back to the forefront of her mind.

"Although Anon dear, I have to ask... Why are humans so adamant about wearing clothes all the time? Not that I am complaining mind you, in fact I admire your appreciation for fashion! But still..." she searched for the words waving a hoof airily, "I was sure never to see you walking around town without any clothes on! What made you decide otherwise?" she asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow.

"What made me do it?" he pondered, crossing his arms, "I guess I accepted it was a common thing around here not to wear clothes everywhere you go. And since I don't have a spare set, I didn't really have a choice anyway, even though I could have used a blanket, so I came to terms with it... but you know it kinda feels good not to worry about any awkwardness in public when strolling around town nude, hell the weather is perfect for a little bit of free ballin'!" he exclaimed, assuring himself of the truth. "At least it's good to know that I didn't see any pony scoffing at me for immodest behavior or something like that..."

Rarity was surprised to hear his reasons. "Well it seems you really are adapting quite well to our society!" She smiled contently at him... that was until she shifted her gaze to his lower waist, blushing uncomfortably. "Ehm... am I to assume this is your... m-male appendage then?" she stammered a bit, pointing a hoof at his lower front section. Apparently, playmare is nothing compared to he real fleshy thing.

He glanced down at his male pride, the morning wood still apparent in its shape. Unfortunately he couldn't get rid of it this morning for Celestia knows whatever reasons, cold showers usually worked well for that particular problem, but for inexplicable reasons it didn't this this time. Perhabs it was the excitement of open nudity? Anyway, he lifted his head to look at her yet again with a smug grin plastered on his face, remembering the phrase 'when in rome'. "Yep! That's my Johnny alright!" he exclaimed, hands pressed at the sides of his waist. "I was wondering if someone would notice, apparently you are the first one to ask me about it." he proposed in an unusual calm voice.

In truth, while walking into town, there had been the odd stare from mare to stallion when he walked by close enough, but they weren't as much condescending, as they were hesitant or confused. Rarity just happened to be the first pony to ask him about his... boner.

Rarity raised an eyebrow at this. "Johnny?" she repeated, confused at the usage of a name. "I didn't know you humans would give names to your... reproductive limbs," she smiled awkwardly, insecure as to why human males would name their genitals. Playmare didn't say anything about this. He was practically an alien to her after all... could it be that humans actually had sapient reproductive appendages? Why else would he give his stallion hood a name? Has Twilight maybe asked the same question already? When the lavender Unicorn had discovered something new to make it a science project, she usually was very... thoroughly. She grimaced at the thought. "I see... we'll not to be uncouth or anything, but do you mind telling 'Johnny' to hide in his sheath?" the warmth rising in Rarity's cheeks did nothing to encourage her, "I-It would be kind of i-irritating to look at him, w-while getting your measurements," she sputtered slightly, giving her most polite smile, while trying not to fixate her vision on his flag pole.

Anon was confused by her response, frowning a bit, I thought they were all nudist pro, also looking a bit lost at hearing her request to hide his Johnny in a... what did she call it, a sheath? "Uhm... I don't think I can just tell my dick to go away and hide in his sheath. We humans don't even have something like that." He stated, as a matter-of-factly.

Rarity's eyes turned to pinpricks at that, her cheeks blushing brightly, while she became even more confused at his response, making her feel somewhat dizzy. "Y-you human m-males don't have a sheath? But how do you hi- wait a minute! Didn't you just call him Johnny?

"No we don't, and yes I did"

"Then who do you mean with Dig?"

"... What? I don't see the problem here! What are you getting at?"

Rarity sighed, scowling at him. "You said your... appendage's name was Johnny! If so, then who are you referring to with Dig?"

"Dick? That's my Johnny, Rarity!" Anon answered, chuckling a bit, rolling his eyes.

"...But how can your Johnny be Dig at the same time? Is it a second name?"

Now Anon wasn't a professional prankster mind you, but this opportunity he just couldn't let slip! He'll just do next Sunday's church service, to make up for his pranking, naked of course, since he still wouldn't get his clothes until next week. "Nope! You see, my penis has a severe mental illness, called schizophrenia, so there are actually two personalities inside him, one is called Dick and the other likes to be called Johnny. I decided to refer to him as Dick whenever he is hard, but usually when he is all floppy, I just call him Johnny. They are both really sensitive." he answered, with a blank expression.

Rarity stared astonished with mouth agape and wide eyes at his phallus, strangely not seeming uncomfortably any more. Then it hit her like a bag of bricks. This poor man's stallion hood was in a permanent state of mental instability, how 'hard' must it be to live with that? Her mood turned sour. "Oooh! I'm so sorry Anon if I made you feel uncomfortable about it. It must be quite bothersome to live with such a disease." She met his eyes. "Tell me, 'They'... didn't hear me questioning you, right?" she asked him, somehow seeming worried.

Anon shook his head. "Naah! They can only hear what I say! They also only talk to me specifically... although... they heard me explaining their situation to you, so I guess an apology can't hurt, just in case you know! After all, they are at eye height with you, and I honestly don't want to see you getting slapped in the face or something!" he replied with the straightest face he could muster.

Rarity shifted her gaze towards his waistline yet again, taking a deep breath to compose herself, afterwards, she tried to give his shlong an apology in her best sympathetically appealing voice. "I'm so sorry Mr. Di-" she stopped herself, looking at his now floppy hanging rod for reassurance, "I-I mean Mr. Johnny for asking this of you and I can imagine you to be deeply offended by my questions. I assure you I didn't mean you any harm." she finished, seeming contend with her apology.

That was the last straw. Anon tumbled over onto his back while clutching his stomach, rolling around the boutique's floor, laughing hysterically at Rarity's expense, who seemed to be incredibly confused by his reaction.

Rarity shook her head, eyebrows furrowed at the human "What's so funny?!" she called out, in a serious tone.

After one minute of his jackass laughing marathon, he was able to compose himself, still lying on the floor though, as he tried to explain. "Heh. Rarity! I was just kidding! My genitals don't have friggin' personalities!" he exclaimed, wiping a tear off his right eye, while chuckling again. "Dick and Johnny are just slang synonyms, or nicknames, we human guys use, as a reference to our penis! To think that you actually bought that story about my pogo stick being schizophrenic! The way you apologized... it was PRICELESS!" he roared, falling into another fit of heavy laughter.

There was an inaudible snapping sound. It may have been a membrane of a certain unicorn.

To say Rarity was furious at this revelation would be an understatement, in a swift movement she engulfed Anon in her magic, swung the front door open at the same time, and threw him unceremoniously, but quite forceful, outside her shop, right onto her front lawn.

Anon landed hard on his ass, already regretting to have no pants on.

Rarity peaked her head outside the door to give him a piece of her mind, and possibly saturate her blood lust, only to stumble and trip upon her own words in a fit of garbled rage, finishing her attempt with a loud groan, which sounded remarkably similar to the Wilhelm Scream by the way.

In the end she decided to pout, head red as a tomato from embarrassment and anger. She went back inside her home, closing the door quickly with a loud bang that could have ripped an Ursa Minor from it's hibernation. Causing one of the flower pots on her veranda to tipple over and face it's demise.

Anon just sat there with his plot on the lawn, eyes wide open in surprise and fear, from what he just experienced, something he would never have expected from the element of generosity.

He lingered his gaze a little bit longer at door, before realizing a crucial detail.

"Do I still get my clothes done?!" He called out, which was probably a mistake, because as soon as his words left his mouth, one of the windows shattered and a compact sewing machine was thrown in his face, knocking his lights out.

Passing by the scene, came a pink coated and violet maned mare with a vine bottle in her hooves, letting out a hiccup while stumbling slightly, then stopped staring at the unconscious hairless ape with his pole pointing in the air.

She stared at him, took a swig from her bottle, then threw it over her shoulder, shrugging with a grin on her face, letting out a silent "sure, why not?", before making her way over to this monkey.

A grey coated and blond maned pegasus mare, with golden eyes that could look in opposite directions, landed with a mailbag slung around her side on the front porch of Carousel Boutique... only to witness a certain pink mare dragging a hairless ape to Celestia knows where...

Derpy Hooves just smiled and delivered her mail as scheduled.