Applejack's key is a condom

by Loyal

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Big Macintosh, Random, Main 6, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2005

Applejack trades her bit for a condom.

The Elements of Harmony. They're the key to saving Equestria. At the end of the day, Twilight needs the keys her friends have acquired over the past few months of hard effort. For Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Pinkie Pie, their keys are somewhat normal. But Applejack's key is a bit. Or rather, it was... She traded it for something else.

Something intimate.

Something like a condom.

Published 2014-05-10 17:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-10 17:20:02 UTC

Fair Trade

Applejack's key is a condom.

Applejack wiped the sweat off her brow with a soft sigh. "Well that takes care of that." She smiled at the bushel of apples she had just finished loading into the cellar, the last of that day's haul. "Nothin' left to do but go inta town fer some supplies." She exited the cellar, kicking the door closed behind herself smartly. She retrieved her saddlebags from the porch and was off, walking briskly down the road into town. It was mid-day, and the sun beat down on her as she made her way, enjoying the sporadic shade that covered the dusty, well-worn path into town. Following their return from the Equestria Games, there was quite a bit of work to be done around the farm. But she and Big Macintosh had been working hard to catch up, and now their duties were done. Applejack could finally unwind a little.

As chance would have it, she met her brother on his way back from town. "Heya Big Macintosh!" She beamed at him. "Y'all ready fer this evenin'?"

"Eeyup." Big Mac smiled at her warmly, a bit of a blush on his face. "You going to get the, uuh...?"

"You betchya." Applejack nudged her saddlebags with another grin. "Ah got everythin' ah need in here. Jes gotta run inta town and pick up a few more small things, then we'll be ready."

"Eeyup." Big Mac smiled once more before looking side-to-side. Nopony else seemed to be on the path, nor in the fields to either side. He quickly slipped in, his lips pressing smoothly to hers.

"Easy there big fella." Applejack pulled away after a few blissful seconds. "Don' want you gettin' too worn out, now, do we?"

"Eeyup." Big Mac blushed.

"See you in an hour or so." Applejack winked at him before making her way down the road once more. Big Mac could be awfully affectionate, and if they wanted to keep their little dalliances a secret, they had to be careful about when and where they indulged. As it stood, nopony in town had found out about the two of them. As backwards-thinking as her fellow Ponyvillians could be, Applejack very much wanted to keep her and her brother's secret just that - a secret. She shot him a warning look over her withers for good measure.

Ponyville was still rather busy this time of day, but the shops were beginning to close up and ponies were on their way home for dinner or bed. It was a school night, so none of the younger fillies and colts were out and about. Applejack passed the main thoroughfare, ducking through an alley and into an abandoned side-street. Nopony was up or down the block, and the ones who might be looking through the window didn't care if they saw the hard-working farmpony duck into one of Ponyville's more... Intimate establishments.

"Back again, AJ?" The gruff pony behind the counter greeted her with his signiature grin.

"Stuff it, Hoof Cuff." Applejack grunted at him. "Ah ain't got time t' play games with ya. Gimme what I came fer so I c'in get back."

"Always so testy with you." Hoof Cuff shook his head with a slight smile before fishing around behind the counter. Applejack waited impatiently, her eyes roving just a little bit at the multitude of magazines, books, movies, and intimate paraphernarlia on the counters and walls of the place. Nopony that wasn't of age was allowed in here. "Huh." Hoof Cuff grunted, fully disappearing behind the counter. Applejack peered over the side as he seemingly dove head-first into one of the cabinets. "I could have sworn..."

"Don't tell me you ran out." Applejack groaned, rubbing the bridge of her nose with a sigh.

"No, no, I know I have some... Damnit, come on."

"Hoof, ah ain't got time fer this..."

"Fuck." The sex shop owner emerged from the counter, looking flustered. "I had no idea we were out. Fucking Flitter, I'll have her hide for this. She's supposed to handle inventory."

"Great." Applejack threw her hooves up in exasperation. "Now ah cain't do nothin', thanks t' yer fat ass."

"Hey! I just told you it isn't my fault!" The full-bodied shop owner flushed as he rose up behind the counter. "Don't lay the blame for this on me!"

"Ah'll lay it wherever ah see fit!" Applejack planted her hooves on the counter, shoving her nose against his. "Ah've been goin' without fer two weeks! It's high time ah got what ah needed!"

"You know," Hoof Cuff wilted a little, though he didn't pass the chance to look Applejack over pointedly. "We could always nip in back-"

"No." Applejack cut him off. "Not again. Not after last Hearth's Warmin' Eve. You and yer friggin' mistletoe."

"C'mon, darlin'." Hoof Cuff winked at her. "You loved it."

"'Bout as much as you loved that flank-kickin' mah brother gave you afterwards." At her withering retort, Hoof Cuff wilted.

"Alright, alright... I guess I can't clean your pipes, as it were... Shame, too, I've got one left."

"You do?!" Applejack lenaed over the counter, her eyes bright against his. "Give it to me, since yer out of th' others."

"No can do." Hoof Cuff shook his head. "I'm not keen on selling that one. It's my backup. You never know, might run into Blossomforth on the way home."

"Fat chance." Applejack poked him in the chest. "She ain't had eyes fer you fer two years now. Yer gonna go home, sit in yer livin' room, and drink yerself into a coma. C'mon, gimme your last one. Ah'm likely to get more use out of it than you are."

"Fine," Hoof Cuff glowered at her. "No need to be so mean about it. I'll sell it to you for a bit."

"One bit? C'mon now, what's one bit between old friends?"

"'Old Friends' don't bully one another around." Hoof Cuff returned, rubbing his chest. "One bit. That's my final offer."

"Fine." Applejack grumbled and flipped open her saddlebags. "One bit. Ah cain't believe him. No-good, rotten-"

"I can hear you."

"Ah know you can!" Applejack glared at him. "Ah mean fer you to! Now shut up an' lemme get your bit..." She shuffled around, pushing aside tools, rope, and various other oddities. "Don't tell me ah fergot it..." Applejack switched to the other bag, frowning at the empty pouch. At least, it seemed empty. At the very bottom was one solitary bit, glimmering faintly in the dim light of the store. "Aha!" She produced it with a flourish, but wilted immediately. "Oh no..."

"Well?" Hoof Cuff frowned at her. "Hoof it over. You know you want to get down tonight."

"Ah cain't." She whispered faintly, cupping the bit tenderly. "Ah... Ah got this bit from Silver Shill, you know, when ah kicked them Flim Flam Brothers outta town last..." She looked up at Hoof Cuff with tears in her eyes. "It's mah last bit..." Applejack felt a sort of attachment to it, a calling of sorts. She didn't want to use it to buy a condom, just to get her rocks off for the night.

"I guess you didn't want it that badly, then." Hoof Cuff shrugged and slipped around the counter, going to the front of the store. He flipped the sign around to 'closed' and shot her a look over his withers. "Now I'm closed. You should clear out, AJ."

"Wait," Applejack sighed, looking between the shop owner and the last bit in her hoof. "Ah'll... Ah c'in..." She was torn. This bit spoke to her. It was important, not just to her, but to Silver Shill as well. It'd be rude of her to give it away for something so trivial and silly... But there was an ache in her core, the very pit of her stomach that could not be denied.

"Take it." She choked, passing the bit off of the gruff shopkeep. "It's yers, jes' gimme what ah need."

"I knew you'd see reason. It's just a bit, Applejack. Not like it's some super-important magical artifact that's going to save Equestria or anything."

"Yeah..." Applejack sighed, watching as Hoof Cuff tucked the bit into the pocket of his vest. "Nothin' like that..."

"Lemme go get it for you."

"Girls!" Twilight panted, her horn glowing as she planted the box on the table before them. "We have to do it now! Quickly, each of you should have something in your possession. Something important to you, that really speaks to your Element of Harmony!"

"Ooh! I know!" Pinkie Pie beamed as she produced a floppy rubber chicken from seemingly nowhere. "Cheese Sandwich gave me this after Rainbow Dash's birthday-versary party!"

"That's it!" Twilight beamed brightly. "That's what I need! Quickly, girls! Equestria is in danger!"

"Well, i-it's not much..." Fluttershy plucked a beautiful flower from her mane, offering it meekly. "It's the flower that the Breezies gave to me when we all helped them return home. It's very special to me."

"Good, Fluttershy! Great!" Twilight turned to Rarity next, who smiled warmly.

"Coco Pommel gave me this," She pulled a rainbow-colored spool of thread from her saddlebags. "When we visited Manehattan, and I helped her stand up to Suri Polomare. I haven't used it; it's far too special to sew into a dress."

"Brilliant! Rainbow Dash?"

"Oh! Spitfire gave me this!" Rainbow Dash plucked a beautiful golden pin, in the shape of the wonderbolt's emblem from her own saddlebags. "When we qualified for the Equestria Games, and I called them out on trying to replace Soarin with me. I don't wear it, since it's so important to me."

"Alright, girls!" Twilight beamed at Applejack, who blushed intently. "AJ? Where's yours?"

"Well..." Applejack scuffed the ground with a hoof. "Ah... Ah, uuh..."

"Hmm? Applejack, Equestria is in danger! Hurry up and get it!"

"Ah got it. Right here." Applejack patted her saddlebags with a worrying look. "Jes... Look, don't judge me, alright?"

"Why? What's wrong?" Twilight arched an eyebrow. "Don't you have something important to you? Something that symbolizes your devotion to honesty?"

"Ah do." Applejack flushed. "Or rather, ah did... But ah gave it away."

"WHAT?!" Twiilght flustered. "You're joking! Wha- how?!"

"Look, ah was in a tight spot, alright?! Ah ain't proud of what ah done, but ah got it here with me!" She grumbled and flipped open her saddlebags, turning away from the others.

"Whatever, AJ. As long as you have it, I'm sure I-"

Applejack pulled an old, used condom from her saddlebags and dropped it on top of the box. Some old, sticky white semen drooled out of the end, trickling into one of the keyholes.

"Applejack, what the fuck." Rainbow Dash deadpanned.

"So that's what that smell was."

"Uuh..." Fluttershy passed out.

"AJ, I... Uuh... Wow."

"Right then." Twilight grimaced at the floppy, half-filled condom. "We'll discuss why it is the key of the Element of Honesty is an old, used condom later. After I save Equestria." Her horn glowed as she lifted the box and the five keys, flapping off to go save Equestria. Rarity glared at Applejack as she hoisted the passed-out Fluttershy onto her back. Rainbow Dash sat staring at the spot on the ground where some of the old semen had dripped onto, and Pinkie Pie had mysteriously disappeared. Twilight was off saving Equestria, and here they were, condom-less.

"So, lemme guess..." Rainbow Dash spoke after a while. "You traded your super-important object that perfectly embodies the element of Honesty in exchange for-"

"A condom." Applejack nodded.

"And you kept it?"

"Well," Applejack blushed, rubbing the back of her neck with a hoof. "It felt special t' me... Kinda like that ol' bit did. Ah didn't feel like gettin' rid o' it."

"Applejack, how long has that condom been sitting in your saddlebags?"

"... Three weeks."

"Alright. I'm done." Rainbow Dash jetted off. Applejack was alone then. She scuffed the ground once more, turning to go home.

"Stupid condom."