Princess Luna's Suicide Solutions

Chapters

Chapter 2
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25 (warning, contents may be hot)
Chapter 26 (contents may be emotionally triggering)
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33 (warning: rape triggers)
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 1
Chapter 3
Chapter 15

Chapter 2

“You are awake. How do you feel?”

The drugged pegasus struggled to reply. He was in some pain, but it was faint and his body felt warm. He groggily opened his eyes and saw Princess Luna, several of her, standing by his bedside.

“You very nearly died, even though I stopped you from hitting the ground. We cannot have that. I have plans for you my beloved little pony,” Princess Luna said. She reached out and gave Noctilucent’s face a gentle stroke with her wing.

The room slowly came into focus and finally there was only one Princess Luna, and she stood gazing upon Noctilucent with a concerned and motherly stare. She was smiling, and her posture radiated kindness.

“Thank you,” Noctilucent groaned, his throat dry.

Princess Luna carefully placed a cup with a straw to his lips, and Noctilucent took a few sips of the water.

“Want some ice chips?” Princess Luna asked.

“Please,” Noctilucent answered, his voice raspy and full of sand.

Princess Luna carefully used a small plastic spoon to feed the prone pegasus some ice chips and then wiped away a dribble of water with a napkin. The pegasus lay silent, crunching ice chips, studying his benefactor.

“I have plans for you, once you are better. There are ponies who need you. At least, I believe they need you. They need help. And you, you are going to help them,” Princess Luna said while spooning in more ice chips.

The Princess moved around the bed, her hooves making no sound on the tile floor, her ethereal mane and tail billowing in an unseen breeze. She examined the pegasus as she circled.

“You have an interesting cutie mark,” she commented. “A candle in a candlestick. How archaic and quaint.” Princess Luna drew close to Noctilucent’s backside, examining his cutie mark. He squirmed and moved his head, trying to get a look at her and what she was doing.

Much to his surprise, Princess Luna pursed her lips and blew, extinguishing the flame on his candle. He didn’t have to look to know that the candle on the other side had been extinguished as well.

“You will get your light back when you’ve earned it. Somepony else is going to have to light those for you. I will not be the one to do it,” Princess Luna said, now looking Noctilucent in the eye.

Princess Luna returned to her study of the pegasus. He was an odd dappled colouration, night blue very much like her own pelt, with white patches all over his pelt and one white patch over his left eye that stretched upwards to one single white ear.

“You are far too handsome to throw away. What a rare prize you are, your colouration is so similar to my own,” Princess Luna said with a teasing smile.

“What are you going to do with me?” Noctilucent inquired in a low whisper.

“There is a settlement that is not too far from Las Pegasus. A town called Mustang Springs. it is a nice place. A quiet place. A place of reflection and calm. A lot of ponies go there to retire because of the climate and the medicated waters of the natural hot springs that are found there. Many ponies travel through there on the way to Las Pegasus,” Princess Luna said, not actually answering Noctilucent’s question, now looking at him directly in the eye.

“And what am I to do there?” Noctilucent asked, his voice wavering from the pain killers and the other drugs he was on.

“I plan to leave you to the tender mercies of an earth pony named Cactus Blossom. There are others, but I believe that Cactus Blossom will do you some good,” Princess Luna said, explaining nothing.

“Cactus Blossom?” the puzzled pegasus asked.

“Yes, Cactus Blossom. You catch on quickly. Earth pony. Sweet. Good. You are going to fall in love with her and she is going to rule your world. Well, in a very general sense. Technically, I rule your world for now and the immediate future. There are others of course, but Cactus Blossom really does need the help that I think that you can offer,” Princess Luna said, now smiling.

It was not a pleasant smile at all. It was a wicked smile full of mischief.

Noctilucent sighed and closed his eyes. The pain in his side was throbbing now, real pain was slowly beginning to set in now that he was awake. He took one deep shuddering breath, trying to gather his thoughts.

“A long time ago,” Princess Luna said in a soft velvety whisper, “I threw my life away. I thought that nopony loved me or my night. I became harsh and callous. I forgot about all those I serve, and all those who serve me. I forgot that I loved my sister. I reached a point where I wished that it would end, and something answered. It would have been easier to have died. Instead, I had to face up to the punishment due for what I had done, and now, I must make amends and hold myself accountable. You should be thankful that it was I who came to claim you. There are other things just waiting for the right soul, terrible things hoping to find a foothold in to this world, and there is no greater foothold than somepony’s or someone’s desperation,” Princess Luna explained. “I love you, and wish to keep you from harm. A ruler is only as good as the least of their subjects.”

Upon hearing Princess Luna’s words, Noctilucent began to sniffle. It started off with just a few sniffles, then a few cries, a few shuddering sobs, and then the stallion collapsed into weeping as he could no longer hold back.

Standing at his bedside, Princess Luna kept to her vigil and waited for the worst to pass, sharing his pain, understanding exactly what had driven him to this point.

Almost a week had passed. A wire frame held Noctilucent’s wing in place. He had spent his time in quiet reflection, thinking about everything that had happened. Princess Luna stopped in regularly to check on him, his only visitor.

Noctilucent had pushed every other pony out of his life.

Already, Noctilucent regretted what he had done. Pangs of guilt stabbed through his mind. Even though he was in no position to admit it, he was grateful for the second chance, even though he had no idea what was happening.

The second chance came at such a cost though. Princess Luna never failed to remind him of his new status as a non entity at least once a day. Just like the flames on his candle cutie marks that she had extinguished, it was something he was going to have to earn back somehow.

With no knock, Princess Luna burst into his room unannounced, followed by Gate Crasher, the big shaggy guard that Noctilucent was beginning to know. He wasn’t allowed to talk to Gate Crasher. Gate Crasher didn’t talk to non entities.

Princess Luna studied him and his room, noticing his plate sitting on a bedside stand. “You did not finish your strained carrots,” she mused, looking somewhat annoyed. “Finish them.”

Very much against his will, Noctilucent felt himself taking a spoon in hoof and carefully picking up his plate with his other hoof. He hated strained carrots. He began to eat them, slowly, spooning in a bite at a time. This part never got any easier. Princess Luna’s control was absolute.

“As soon as you finish your carrots, we are leaving. The doctors say you are well enough to travel and to begin your task. Cactus Blossom knows you are coming, and she is quite anxious to meet you. I feel bad for you. Your own death would have been far more merciful in light of Cactus Blossom’s interest in you,” Princess Luna said with no trace of a smile.

Noctilucent stepped out into the bright sunlight, blinking, dizzy, and disoriented. There was a chariot. It was a small light simple affair, not at all what he expected, but they did have a long way to go and there was only Gate Crasher, who was wearing thick black goggles to protect his eyes and scowling at other ponies who drew close.

With a gentle nudge, Princess Luna herded Noctilucent towards the chariot, clucking her tongue as she walked, briefly scolding Gate Crasher for being so grumpy.

There was a thick cushion in the bottom of the chariot, and Noctilucent sat down, Princess Luna settling in beside him, not sure what to expect, not sure what was in his future, and the first real feelings of fear began to settle within Noctilucent’s mind.

“Do not be afraid,” Princess Luna said in a soothing whisper, driving away the perturbed pegasus’ fear.

They took off with a lurch, Gate Crasher pulling the chariot with alarming acceleration. Gate Crasher’s cutie mark was a chariot, much to Noctilucent’s surprise. The lunar pegasus hauled the chariot effortlessly, getting them higher and higher into the sky, leaving the hospital and Canterlot behind them, shrinking below them, and they began to fly off to the southwest, leaving Noctilucent’s old life behind him.

Noctilucent was glad to see it go.

They landed a few hours later, much to Noctilucent’s relief, in Mustang Springs, a small dusty looking town that was major stopping point on the long road to Las Pegasus. In the distance, there was a building made out of adobe, much of the town seemed to be made out of adobe, and there were very few windows. The air was hot and dry, and sand swirled around.

A group of figures emerged from the building to greet them, moving slowly in the heat. Noctilucent was having trouble seeing them from all of the shimmering heat waves radiating from the hard packed sand.

Noctilucent froze when he heard shrill laughter.

As they moved closer, he finally saw them a little clearer, one large form with several smaller forms all around it.

“Brace yourself,” Princess Luna warned.

Noctilucent noticed that Gate Crasher seemed to have vanished. He looked around, worried, feeling alarmed, and noticed the big shaggy brute sitting on a the roof of a building nearby, sitting under an awning.

“The mare is named Holly Heartwood. You will obey her every reasonable request,” Princess Luna said, causing Noctilucent to flinch as magic spiked through his body.

He could see the group clearly now. One middle aged unicorn mare stood in the middle of a group of foals. Six foals to be exact.

“Luna?” one of the foals asked, pushing forward through the crowd. She was pale green with a light pink and dark pink mane and tail. One of her fellow foals gently nosed her, pushing her towards Princess Luna.

Princess Luna carefully took the foal in her magic and lifted her, pulling her close, and touching noses briefly. She set the foal down carefully before her.

“I have brought somepony to help you, Cactus Blossom,” Princess Luna said, her voice an almost musical laugh. “This is Noctilucent. I’ve told all of you about him. Do be careful with his wing. Respect his authority as one of your caretakers. Please, do be careful with him, he hasn’t been well lately.”

“Where is he?” Cactus Blossom asked, looking around.

Noctilucent felt a terrible pain in his barrel when he realised that Cactus Blossom was blind. She was moving her head, seemingly looking here and there, but not actually focusing on anything. Princess Luna gently prodded the foal in his direction, and Noctilucent felt his mouth go dry when the small pale green foal touched him for the first time. She clung to his leg, squeezing him, not at all gentle, making little happy grunts.

“I’m Cactus Blossom,” she said, introducing herself, “wanna hear me burp the alphabet?”

“No… no sweetie, that won’t be necessary,” Holly Heartwood said in worried tones, moving forward. “I am Holly Heartwood, matron of this small orphanage. These are my charges.”

Noctilucent nodded, not sure what to say. Princess Luna was now laying in the sand, being mobbed by foals, all decorum completely abandoned. Cactus Blossom followed the sound and had joined the pony pile, thankfully not having burped the alphabet.

“You’ve met Cactus Blossom,” Holly said, smiling. “This one,” she said, pointing to a another earth pony filly who was white with a yellow and orange mane, “is Candy Corn. Always keep an eye on Cactus Blossom and Candy Corn when they are together. Cactus likes to get Candy into trouble.”

“This one,” Holly mentioned, pointing to a small donkey that did not mob Princess Luna like the others, “is named Graves. He’s reserved.”

“Over here,” Holly said, pointing at a small griffon cub, “is Sassafrass. Oh, you are going to like her.” Holly stared at the griffon for moment, shaking her head.

“And this one, this little funny little pink unicorn over here, he is named Arroyo. He can summon dust devils. Watch out, he is… adventurous.” Holly warned.

Holly gently pulled a pale grey colt up from the pile and held him aloft in her magic. “This is Biscuit. He was just, uh, dropped off recently. He’s quiet. We think he might be mute,” she said, sounding a little sad. “We called him Biscuit because that is the only word he seems to know how to spell. He kept writing it on paper when we tried to communicate with him.”

Noctilucent gave a weak smile, feeling rather overwhelmed and almost overheated.

“It is so nice of you to volunteer to help us,” Holly said, looking grateful.

Princess Luna rose suddenly, sending a few foals tumbling into the sand. “Yes, Noctilucent was most noble to offer his services. He couldn’t wait to be released from the hospital so he could come and help,” Princess Luna said. “The hospital where he volunteered provided excellent references I hope?” the Night Princess asked.

“Their only complaint was that he moved on to to other things,” Holly replied, her eyes going from Princess Luna to Noctilucent.

Noctilucent took a deep breath, taking relief in knowing that his secret was safe. All of this was overwhelming.

“He looks unwell,” Princess Luna said, sounding concerned. “Perhaps we should move him indoors where it is cooler,” she suggested.

“Come on foals, let us all go inside. We’ll have a cold drink and some frozen fruit from the freezer,” Holly said, the foals falling into place behind her, Cactus Blossom being nosed along by her fellow orphans.

When they had walked a short distance away, Princess Luna leaned in close to Noctilucent and fanned him with her wing. “I command you to look after each one of these foals as though they were your own. They are now your keepers. You are their dedicated and loyal servant. I am their mother, and I am trusting you with the sacred charge of looking after my foals. I will visit you regularly and see how you are doing. Do not look so glum. This is not such an arduous task. I cannot stay, there are others who need my assistance. Please, Noctilucent, be well, and know that at least one pony loves you and wants very badly for you to live,” Princess Luna said, kissing him gently on the cheek after she spoke her last word.

Ahead of him, the adobe building loomed, and Noctilucent felt a very brief flicker of hope. He turned to Princess Luna and gave her a faint nod.

Author's Note

A truly wonderful quote by Zane Wolfe on the subject matter at hand. Thank you, dear poster, for taking a moment to summarise all of this so well.

Interesting indeed... The story itself is very bare bones so far, but you have stated as much, so I will be watching to see how that plays out. I find it interesting that you bring up their society as a justification for why she can do this. And you are absolutely correct. By the canon that we have been given so far, The Royal Pony Sisters are the supreme authority in Equestria, by virtue of practically divine power. (Control over stellar bodies alone is a level of power that no human made weapon has even come close to matching) While they have been shown to have moments of weakness, I tend to stand that it is mostly because neither sister has tried to just kill a would be threat. Given they can move the Sun and Moon, it wouldn't be too hard to suggest that if they really wanted to they could just crush something with their magic and move on. But they wouldn't be benevolent dictators at that point, and it wouldn't really be the same story anymore. I'm not misusing that word, while they may have the title of 'Princess', a dictatorship is far closer to their government than a monarchy. Even in a monarchy there are rules, and the ruling monarch typically has to answer to the Lords & Ladies of the court, if only because the nobles would revolt if they didn't. In the case of Equestria, there has been no sign that anypony other than the Sisters even remotely has power or authority. Even Cadence falls under the status of being their subject, and she is Princess of the Crystal Empire. When Luna and/or Celestia make a decision, NOPONY gets to question it. Even in the show, the few times somepony has remotely thought that a decision one or both of the Sisters made might be wrong, they do it anyway.
Now, from a pure Western outlook, the very idea of a society where 2 people have such complete and absolute authority is both monstrous and repulsive. Part of this is because of how strong the desire for Individual Freedom is in Western cultures. The other part is because the very idea of anyone having the divine right to make any and all decisions they deem fit is utterly foreign to such culture. Now, in other parts of the world, such things are somewhat more accepted. The reasons for this are too varied to list. The final part where this feel wrong, even for those raised to accept the idea of a single body with vast authority like a true monarchy, is that we accept that people are flawed, and nobody can be perfect.
This is the biggest disconnect from a human outlook and a pony outlook. Most ponies believe that the Sisters have an Omniscient Morality License. Ponies have this outlook due to both the Sisters' staggering level of power, and because they HAVE proven it right more often than not. In the 4 seasons that the show has ran, Celestia has pulled off several Gambits, of various types, and to date never lost in the end. Give no evidence to the contrary, it must be assumed that either both Sisters did this during their joint rule prior to the Nightmare Moon Event, or at the very least Celestia has been doing it for the last 1000 years or so. Granted, that is partly because if things went wrong and stayed wrong, the series would either have to end, or change its target demographic entirely. Still, when you have a history of playing the odds and never losing like they do, and also have more power than anything less than a god, (Discord) ponies are going to simply accept that "Yes, you really do know better than we do. We will just go along with your plan now". It's similar to how the Mane Six deal with Pinkie Pie. They just accept that they don't understand, but still go along with her anyway, because it will be alright. Ponies are just naturally trusting creatures, willingly going along with those they understand to have reason to lead. Which makes perfect sense for a species that evolved from one that lived in herds dominated by a small number of Alphas.
Now, as for my personal opinion, I do NOT see anything wrong with Luna's actions, legally or ethically. She is legally taking no further control over him than she already had to begin with. As Princess of the Moon, she could at any time give him an order, and by law he MUST obey it. She is merely making sure that he obeys the law. She is Princess Luna, thus has every right to enforce the law. As for ethically, there are some who might argue that Noctilucent was only hurting himself when he was going to commit suicide. And they would be WRONG. Anyone, pony or otherwise, claiming that suicide is either painless, or only hurts the one doing it, is either ignorant or trying to delude themselves. Even in those Eastern cultures where ritual suicide was/is an accepted practice, there are those who still suffer, and almost always its those the suicide was trying to protect/save. Not saying I agree or disagree with the idea of killing oneself to protect the lives/honor of your family, but nobody can say it doesn't still harm those who live on. Luna saw that Noctilucent was throwing away his life, and seeing both the harm that it could cause, as well as his wasted potential, chooses to act. She takes him, make sure he will be treated for physical injury, tells him she owns his ass, taking magical steps to make sure he knows it. Noctilucent doesn't have a single moral leg to stand on. He wasn't dying for somepony else, or a cause, or for anything. He wanted to die simply because he couldn't find a reason to live. There is no honor or morality in his choice. Luna has the full legal right to step in any time she wishes, given to her and her sister by Equestria. And she as the moral high ground here, by virtue of Noctilucent being an ignorant fool.

Chapter 4

A single butterfly remained. It fluttered around Noctilucent’s room, wavering in an unseen breeze, flittering about for a while in the waking world, before finally dissolving into a trail of glittering dust, vanishing from reality. Noctilucent lay in his bed, thinking about his life. He had a life. He did not know what to think about that, not yet, and he understood that at some point, he needed to sit down and have a good think about his new purpose in life.

A small part of him was grateful that he was alive and that these tough decisions were made for him. A larger part of him disagreed, feeling suddenly angry about this whole turn of events.

All he had wanted was for the pain to end.

He was still in pain, even more so now, feeling guilt and shame over what he had done, confusion about his current situation, and a steadily growing feeling of hot anger.

As he lay in his bed, he realised the drugs he had been given in the hospital were wearing off… And his mood was changing rapidly. His wing throbbed dully, painfully, a hot burning ache in his joint.

His anger turned into a near seething rage though when he came to the conclusion that most of his anger wasn’t directed towards Princess Luna, but himself. He lay in bed and gritted his teeth, hating himself. Had he just endured, he would not be in this position, bound to this task, forced to face the one thing he wasn’t sure that he could face.

The faces of the dead haunted him, and a crushing wave of sorrow washed over him, flooding him raw emotions that he was unable to deal with. He began to weep, quietly, trying not to make a sound. He buried his face into his pillow and tried to let it out, unable to hold it in, unable to hold back any longer.

As he lay crying, he heard faint hoofsteps coming into his room and he struggled to compose himself. He heard a ruffled scrape along the wall, and saw Cactus Blossom feeling her way around his room, looking concerned, turning her head and trying to listen.

“I heard you crying,” she said, her voice soft. “I have really good ears. It woke me up. Are you alright? I can’t remember your name, I’m sorry,” she added as she tried to feel her way to Noctilucent’s bedside.

“I’m sorry for waking you. I was… sad,” Noctilucent replied. “I am Noctilucent.”

Hearing his voice, the foal moved carefully to his bedside and sat down when she bumped the edge of the bed. “I get sad too,” Cactus replied, her voice a soft whisper. “I know how it is.”

“I’m sure being an orphan is tough,” Noctilucent said, his head on his pillow, staring sideways at the foal.

“I wasn’t always an orphan. I had a mother once. We hit some hard times. She tried to get rich in Las Pegasus, lost what little bit we had,” Cactus Blossom said, resting her head on the edge of the bed, her eyes staring vacantly ahead.

“What happened?” Noctilucent asked, not actually wanting an answer.

“She… my mom became sad because we had nothing. She… she…” the foal said, struggling to finish, her voice becoming strained and full of emotion. “She jumped from a building. And then I came here,” she said, restraining tears, holding everything back somehow.

Noctilucent felt something give way inside, a terrible feeling, something that now hurt worse than his broken wing. “I’m so sorry… I don’t know what to say,” he said in a soft voice. He felt an ache in his heart for the foal. Did Princess Luna want him to help her? Could he help her? Noctilucent did not know. He currently could not help himself.

“Don’t be sorry,” the foal replied in a quiet emotional whisper. “I hate her. I hate her for what she did. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. She left a note saying she had lost everything… she still had me. I guess I didn’t matter,” the foal added, her voice now becoming angry and full of pain. “She was selfish.”

“I-” Noctilucent’s voice died in his throat. He was about to agree that Cactus’s mother had been selfish, but he was in no position to agree.

“Did somepony hurt you?” Cactus asked bluntly.

“Yes, somepony hurt me,” Noctilucent reluctantly answered, his voice wavering, uncertainly creeping into his voice as he started to wonder how to answer this question. Somepony had hurt him. How could he explain this to Cactus. Should he explain this to Cactus? He didn’t know. And he didn’t say.

“Did they break your wing? Luna told me your wing was broken and that I need to be extra careful with you,” Cactus said, her head still resting on the edge of the bed.

“Yes… well, uh,” Noctilucent said, sniffling. “Yes, somepony hurt me and broke my wing.”

“That wasn’t very nice of them,” Cactus said, her mood mercurial in a way that only a foal could be. “Why would they want to do that to you? You seem nice, you haven’t kicked me out of your room or hollered at me for bothering you while you were crying.”

“No, I suppose it wasn’t very nice of them to hurt me,” Noctilucent said, the words tearing fresh wounds of guilt even as he spoke them.

“Ponies holler at me a lot,” Cactus said.

“You do act out a little tiny bit,” Noctilucent answered hesitantly, his voice quavering from his settling sobs.

“Not a little bit. I’ll tell you a secret. I do this on purpose,” Cactus Blossom said, heaving a sigh.

“Why tell me your secrets? And why do you do this on purpose? What purpose could it serve?” Noctilucent asked, wiping his nose with his fetlock.

“Luna told me I should try telling you my secrets and she made me promise to do so. And I do this on purpose for a very good reason,” Cactus Blossom answered, one ear flopping downward, her face becoming rather sad looking.

“And that is?” Noctilucent asked, now wiping his eyes.

“Adults come here all the time, usually ponies who live here. They adopt sometimes. I don’t want to be adopted,” Cactus Blossom confessed.

“Why not?” the pegasus asked in stunned disbelief.

“I don’t want to be hurt again,” Cactus said, her other ear now drooping. “Luna made me tell her about it, I didn’t want to tell her, but I saw her in my dreams, and I knew she would find out sooner or later, and she sat me down and made me talk, and we talked about why I behave the way I do, and I don’t want to be hurt again,” the foal whimpered a few times as she spoke, and then began to cry silently, no sounds, just a few tears slipping from her sightless eyes. “I can see in my dreams. Luna can make me see there, the world is so beautiful.”

Noctilucent sat in stunned silence.

“If I act out ponies stay away from me. Except for Candy Corn. She needs me. Candy’s father killed her mother and then he killed himself and Candy isn’t a happy foal,” Cactus said. “Don’t tell nopony. Luna promised me that I could trust you and if you tell anypony, I’ll tell Luna.”

“I won’t tell nopony,” Noctilucent promised.

“Now that somepony has hurt you, do you still trust other ponies? I only trust Luna, and I am trying to give you a fair shot because Luna said she would give me a lecture if I didn’t and I don’t mind Holly’s lectures but Luna has a really loud voice when she lectures, and Luna is the only pony that can make me feel guilty over anything other than Candy Corn,” Cactus said, the words spilling out of her mouth rapidly.

“I don’t think I trust the pony that hurt me,” Noctilucent said in a low whisper. “Thankfully, Princess Luna had made sure that he can’t hurt me again,” he added, relief easy to hear in his voice.

“The pony who hurt you must be a real monster. You seem so nice. You’ve let me talk your ear off and you haven’t chased me away or screamed at me that I talk too much, or called me an annoying little blabbermouth,” Cactus Blossom said, reaching up with her forehoof and wiping her own eyes. “Thank you,” she added. “Luna was right. I’ll go easy on ya for now, but I can be a little obnoxious at times.” Quite without warning, the foal jumped up into bed with Noctilucent and settled against his side.

“Uh, I am not sure if this is such a good idea,” Noctilucent said.

“Why not?” Cactus Blossom said. “You are sad. I wouldn’t be a very nice pony if I went off and left you while you were sad. Luna would chew my ear off like that one time when she let Graves have it for calling Sassy a genocidal murderer. What’s a genocidal murderer? I know what a murderer is…”

“The bad griffons took over the donkeys’ homeland and did bad things. The good griffons came to Equestria, unable to stay at home. Uh, genocide is when one group of creatures do bad things to another group of creatures,” Noctilucent explained, trying to be as delicate as possible.

“And Luna wonders why I don’t want to trust anypony,” Cactus quipped. She snuggled against Noctilucent carefully, curling into as small ball of pale green foal. “I’m not hurting you am I?” she asked.

“No,” Noctilucent replied.

“Good, I am going back to sleep,” she announced. “The day is hot. We go out and play at night usually.” The foal yawned, stretching out her long orange tongue, and then rested her head down upon her folded forelegs. “Luna calls us her children of the night,” she said, her final words sounding drowsy. It what seemed like moments, her breathing became slow and steady, her sides rising and falling, a faint whistle coming from her booger encrusted nostrils because she had been crying.

With the foal now silent, Noctilucent was left alone to face his thoughts.

Author's Note

This was... fiendishly difficult to write actually. I actually had a tough time hammering this one out. It took me most of the day just to get this small chapter out. I rewrote it several times, reread it, waited to post it, reread it, rewrote it, waited and procrastinated, hemmed and hawed, gave it another rewrite, fleshed it out during the final process, and now I am posting it.

Something about this chapter has been surprisingly emotionally draining.

I've never had this much trouble getting out such a relatively small number of words I don't think. I started this chapter early in the AM, and it is now after midnight.

I really hope at least one person appreciates this and is touched by it, at least on some level, and it will make all of this headache worth it.

And this whole story has been a headache to be sure.

Chapter 5

The night air was chilly and cold. Noctilucent could see his breath. Foals bundled up a bit to venture out at night, and Holly had loaned him a scarf. His ears were freezing though. Indoors the temperature stayed stable.

Dinner had been surprisingly good, fried flat bread, sweet corn, turtle beans, and little green diced chilis. There was something new to Noctilucent called guacamole, made from something called an avocado. Holly had hoped that Noctilucent liked avocados, because they were a staple of the orphanage.

All of the foals were out playing in the sand, except for Graves, who sat by himself, watching the others. Occasionally, his barrel visibly expanded and contracted, as he sighed in boredom.

Holly was sitting on a spread out blanket, reading by hornlight. The moon was visible overhead. Stars were everywhere, the skies were so very clear in the desert. It was getting hard to see the stars in Canterlot.

Noctilucent, feeling a twinge of compassion, went over and sat down next to Graves, sitting close enough to the foal that they touched. Graves’ pelt was chilled with the night air.

“So why are you named Graves?” Noctilucent asked.

“Most of the refugee donkeys have sad names to remind us where we came from,” Graves replied. “The griffons drove us from our home.”

“Oh,” Noctilucent replied.

The little donkey foal continued to stare balefully at his fellow orphans, a faint scowl on his face.

“Why are you over here by yourself?” Noctilucent asked.

“Look, kill the small talk. By now, you’ve seen how I am. Why would anyone want to be around me? Have you not been paying attention?” Graves snarked.

“But I am sitting with you now. I chose to come over here and speak with you. I know how you are, and I was still concerned about a little lone donkey foal sitting all by himself looking sad,” Noctilucent said.

The sound of Graves grinding his teeth filled the night.

“You will just leave just like all of the others. Go away,” Graves demanded.

“No,” Noctilucent retorted, feeling more than a little miffed.

“I’m in a bad mood. Just leave me alone,” Graves said, his tone pleading.

“No,” Noctilucent said. “Want to talk about it?”

“No, now get stuffed,” Graves replied.

“Very kind of you to say that,” Noctilucent replied.

“I was having a bit of a moment before you came along and butted into my business,” Graves grumbled.

“I saw you having a moment, and I was worried,” Noctilucent explained.

“What gives you the right to come over here and try to make me feel better when I want to feel bad and have a moment all to myself? I’m not hurting anybody. I’m not bothering anybody. I just want to be alone sometimes,” Graves whined, his droopy ears twitching.

Noctilucent took the words like a slap in the muzzle. What gave him the right? What had given Princess Luna the right? If he stayed to try and help this troubled foal, he was imposing his will over Graves, just as Princess Luna had placed her will over him.

Hypocrisy was bitter in Noctilucent’s mouth. His resentment for Princess Luna’s actions struggled to continue to exist. He wanted to blurt out very angry things. Part of him wanted to shout. Instead, all that came out was…

“Sometimes, a pony loves you enough to rescue you even if you don’t want to be rescued. Or tries to comfort you. I came over here to try and make you feel better, so I could make myself feel better. I’ve had a really tough time lately and I struggle with depression,” Noctilucent said.

Graves turned and looked up at him, his face full of emotion and his eyes watering a bit. “You are talking to me as an adult. Thank you,” Graves said. “I am a very angry little donkey. I stay depressed.”

“Hard to live with,” Noctilucent said.

“Yes, it is,” Graves confessed.

The pair sat in silence for a while, Graves scooting a little closer to Noctilucent, trying to get warm. The little donkey made odd noises, sounds like he was clearing his throat or something. Noctilucent realised the foal was trying not to cry.

“I can’t leave here,” Noctilucent said. “Which means I can’t leave you. I am stuck here. There was a very bad pony out there who tried to hurt me, and Princess Luna brought me here to keep me safe.”

“She brought me here as well,” Graves said.

“So what happened?” Noctilucent asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Graves responded.

“Trust me, not talking about it will only make it worse,” Noctilucent said.

“If I tell you, you will only hate me,” Graves said, leaning completely against Noctilucent.

“Why would I hate you?” Noctilucent said. “Be reasonable.”

“I walked in on my mother,” Graves began, “while she was selling herself. I already knew what she was doing. But she didn’t know that I knew. She couldn’t deal with me knowing. The shame did bad things to her.”

“Ouch,” Noctilucent said softly. He suspected he knew what was coming.

“She killed herself,” Graves said.

And there it is Noctilucent said to himself.

“She drank drain cleaner,” Graves mumbled, breaking down. The little donkey began to cry, faint little sniffling sobs that he could not hold back. “I found her. Part of her had dissolved.”

Noctilucent felt very ill and struggled to keep down his dinner.

“Why did she do that to me?” Graves cried, his voice cracking.

“Sometimes, ponies, or donkeys, or any creature really, feels trapped. Stuck. And they think that suicide is a good way out. They don’t think about who they might hurt. Or how much it might hurt somepony when somepony finds them. All they can think about is ending the pain,” Noctilucent said, feeling a flood of self loathing coming on.

“Selfishness?” Graves asked.

“Sometimes. Maybe,” Noctilucent replied.

“How do you know this?’ Graves asked.

“I’ve been around a bit. Seen some things. Had some experiences of my own. I won't say it is because I am an adult, that would be insulting,” Noctilucent answered, not revealing the whole truth.

“So somebody hurt you, still wants to hurt you, maybe kill you, otherwise, why would Luna put you here in the middle of nowhere, you have a wing break bad enough to require a complicated wireframe, and you know about why bad things happen to donkeys and ponies. At least you seem to know enough about where I am coming from and you are not patronising to me by pretending to know how much pain I am in,” Graves said.

“Something like that,” Noctilucent replied.

“That makes me feel better,” Graves admitted. The little donkey foal sat snuffling and snorting, his tail flopping around in the sand.

“I hit a very bad place in my life because I couldn’t find somepony to talk to. I had pushed everypony away. And then, when I needed somepony, there was nopony for me to turn to. I felt trapped,” Noctilucent admitted. “Don’t do that to yourself Graves.”

“I’ll think about it,” Graves answered, still leaning on Noctilucent.

“Do you ever try to talk to Holly?” Noctilucent asked.

“No,” Graves responded, “Holly treats me like a foal. She dismisses what I have to say because she is infuriatingly adult in her viewpoints.”

“Oh,” Noctilucent replied. “Maybe I can talk to her, if you will allow me to.”

“You would do that?” Graves asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” Noctilucent asked.

“Most creatures I know in Las Pegasus, well, nobody helps anybody,” Graves said, looking confused and hurt.

“That’s awful,” Noctilucent said. “Canterlot is getting more and more like that. I think. Or maybe it is just me,” Noctilucent said.

Not too far away, Biscuit came slowly walking up to the pair, and then, a short ways away, he sat down and looked at them both.

Noctilucent made a gesture with his foreleg, beckoning the foal over. Biscuit, seeing the invitation, came bounding over quickly and then clung to Noctilucent’s front leg.

“I feel bad for Biscuit,” Graves admitted, but made no attempt to comfort his fellow orphan.

Biscuit seemed ecstatic about hugging Noctilucent’s leg, squeezing with his tiny little forelegs. Noctilucent reached down with his good wing and gave the foal a tickle.

Biscuit did not laugh.

And Noctilucent felt a little worried. Foals should laugh when tickled.

The worrisome condition pressing heavily upon his mind, Noctilucent made a note to ask Luna about what had brought Biscuit to this place, even though he suspected he already knew.

Suicide seemed like an all too common theme.

The foals were all tucked away in their cots, some tucked under extra blankets because of the chill, and the sleeping room was quieting down.

That was until Cactus Blossom actually managed to fart out the first six notes of the Equestrian anthem and made the entire room explode with giggles and groans.

Holly looked somewhat disgusted while Noctilucent tried very hard to not look impressed. Cactus Blossom had impressive control. She was talented. Gifted.

And she stunk up the entire room.

“Beans beans the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot, the more you toot the better you feel, so let’s have beans with every meal,” Cactus Blossom sang to her fellow orphans, causing most of them to giggle.

“Please, try to quiet down, it is bedtime,” Holly requested.

“But it stinks in here,” Sassafras complained.

“Sure does!” Cactus said, giggling. “Smells like donkey.”

“Shut up Cactus!” Graves demanded.

“I don’t shut up, I grow up. And when I look at you I throw up!” Cactus singsonged.

“Do you want Noctilucent to whistle again?” Holly threatened.

The room fell quiet suddenly, not one peep being made.

“Be good foals. I love you all. Even you, yes you, the one who is doubting me right now,” Holly said sweetly.

Holly and Noctilucent backed out of the room, hoping that the foals would go to sleep. Holly went to work on daily reports, leaving Noctilucent standing alone in the hall.

It began to settle in just how difficult his task was going to be.

Author's Note

Graves...

I dunno what to say about Graves.

I like him.

Cactus growing on anybody yet?

Let me know if there are any errors I missed, it is late and I am tired. I wanted to get this out though because my readers are worth it.

Thanks for giving this story a chance, it means the world to me.

Chapter 6

Tall buildings stood all around him.

Noctilucent knew that he was dreaming. All around him were casinos, hotels, the glitter and glamour of the Las Pegasus strip. There was no sound however, the world was strangely silent.

Which is how Noctilucent knew he was dreaming.

He began to look around for Princess Luna, knowing that she had to be around here somewhere. Cabs passed on the street, drawn by enterprising ponies, making bits from ponies that didn’t want to walk.

Street walking mares and stallions passed by, smelling of tawdry sex and cheap liquor. Tourists mingled and formed large moving herds.

And Noctilucent was somehow all alone in the middle of this. Nopony saw him, nopony seemed to know he was there.

He was a non entity.

There was still no sign of Luna. None at all. Noctilucent began to walk down the dazzling strip, the road jammed with cabs and wagons, the sidewalks crowded with ponies out debauching themselves or offering to be debauched if bits were offered.

After walking for a while, he saw a large glittering sign, a neon sign, and there was a neon outline of Princess Luna. In big blinking letters made out of hundreds of tiny bulbs where the words “One night only! Princess Luna!”

Noctilucent made his way to the door, pushing past all the other ponies on the crowded sidewalk. There was no line, none at all. Nopony seemed interested. There was a pony at the door though. A pony that Noctilucent recognised.

“I need to talk to Princess Luna!” Noctilucent said to Gate Crasher.

“Get lost punk. I don’t deal with non entities,” Gate Crasher replied.

“But-”

Noctilucent found himself shoved backwards forcefully, almost falling over. Saying nothing, he began to walk away, his head down, feeling quite dejected. After walking several steps, something ignited in his heart. He turned.

“I demand to see Princess Luna,” Noctilucent growled, his pegasus nature taking over.

“Get lost twerp. You’re a non entity,” Gate Crasher warned.

“Motherplucker,” Noctilucent growled.

“Big words coming from a non-pony,” Gate Crasher growled, his fangs now visible. “Get lost before I hurt you for implying that I preen my mother. She doens’t even have feathers you horseapple.”

“I am somebody!” Noctilucent protested.

“Piss off,” Gate Crasher snarled.

“But I am somepony! Princess Luna said she loves me… Love makes me somepony!” Noctilucent argued.

“Not in my book, now get lost you pissy little wanker,” Gate Crasher snorted, tossing his head in a haughty manner.

“Your mother is a whorse!” Noctilucent said, baring his own flat peg like teeth and pawing the sidewalk with a hoof.

Gate Crasher resumed standing at attention and made no reply. The lunar pegasus might have well been a statue. No movement, no nothing.

Noctilucent moved to go past the bellicose lunar guard and found himself shoved again, almost falling on his plot.

Noctilucent turned, snorted, and kicked out with his hind legs, aiming for the truculent lunar pegasus’ skull.

His hooves connected with nothing. Nothing at all.

The door stood waiting, unguarded.

Cursing, nearly crying, Noctilucent pushed his way indoors and went in search of Princess Luna, hoping to have a word with her about everything that was going on. He stood in a deserted hotel lobby, and arrows pointed to tonight’s main attraction.

The pink feather boa around Princess Luna’s neck was utterly fabulous. She sat in a gaudy looking bowl shaped chair, looking at Noctilucent with laughter in her eyes. Her face was done up in garish makeup, hideous mascara and clashing lipstick.

Princess Luna looked a little whorsey.

“Sit,” she commanded, gesturing at a large comfortable looking cushion on the floor. “Make yourself comfortable,” she invited.

“Gate Crasher is a plothole,” Noctilucent mumbled.

“Gate Crasher?” Princess Luna asked.

“He was at the door, being a real prick,” Noctilucent said, forgetting his language.

“I didn’t post Gate Crasher at the door. This is your dream. I’m just a visitor here,” Princess Luna replied.

The blue and white dappled pegasus sat flummoxed, wondering if Princess Luna was being honest with him. Princess Luna was checking herself out in the mirror, making kissy faces at herself.

“Settling in?” Princess Luna inquired. “I hope you are not in too much pain. Tomorrow, some low grade pain killers will be delivered for you. I want you to have a clear head for your task. We cannot have you all dopey around Cactus Blossom, she would eat you alive.”

“I like Cactus Blossom,” Noctilucent said. He dismissed Princess Luna’s words with a sniff.

“I am actually very relieved to hear you say that,” Princess Luna said, relaxing a bit in her comfy chair. “She is very difficult to love. She is as prickly as her namesake.”

“I know what you are up to,” Noctilucent said, no longer beating around the bush. “All of these orphans, leftovers from suicides.”

“Yes, most of them,” Princess Luna confessed, batting at her wispy feather boa with her hoof as she spoke, blinking her long mascara covered eyelashes a few times.

“This is manipulative!” Noctilucent protested.

“Well of course it is,” Princess Luna said, stating the obvious.

“I failed myself, I don’t see how you can think that I can help them,” Noctilucent protested.

“But you are. Already, dour little Graves sleeps a little easier,” Princess Luna replied. “And Biscuit feels comforted.”

“What is the deal with Biscuit?” Noctilucent demanded.

“Biscuit has been badly wounded,” Princess Luna admitted.

“But what happened?” Noctilucent inquired.

“If you really want to know, you will have to get him to tell you somehow,” Princess Luna answered, shaking her head sadly.

“So he can talk?” Noctilucent asked.

“He has the potential to talk again,” Princess Luna said slowly, speaking her words carefully.

“And you are not going to tell me?” Noctilucent asked.

“No,” Princess Luna said dismissively.

“You want me to help him but you tell me nothing,” Noctilucent argued.

“I also want you to help yourself,” Princess Luna retorted with a snort, nearly sucking in her feather boa. She sneezed violently, sending feathers flying.

“This is why you are not the popular Princess,” Noctilucent snarked.

“Ooh… anger. That’s good. Summon more of that. I want you motivated,” Princess Luna replied, smiling faintly.

“I just… I just insulted you and you are not angry?” Noctilucent questioned.

“No,” Princess Luna replied. “Because, like I said, I love you. And you are hurt right now. So I will forgive you almost anything. Just do not call me Moon-Butt or something foalish.”

For a moment, Noctilucent was tempted to do just that. A moment later, he realised that he could say it if he chose to, there was no magical compulsion holding him back. Realising this, Noctilucent choked back his words and said nothing.

“Wise choice,” Princess Luna said, smirking faintly.

“You are infuriating sometimes,” Noctilucent grumped.

“I know,” Princess Luna admitted.

“So Biscuit can talk, or has the potential to talk, and something has happened to him that is so awful that he can’t talk about it. He can’t talk at all,” Noctilucent said to the whorsey looking alicorn sitting in front of him.

Princess Luna said nothing, just nodded. Her swirling ethereal mane drifted through her feather boa, a tiny star igniting a feather briefly, causing a whiff of smoke to rise and a terrible smell filled the room. Princess Luna remained deadpan somehow throughout all of this, never once reacting to her plight.

“I don’t know if I can face this,” Noctilucent said, turning away from Princess Luna’s gaze. “I lost my way somewhere. I disconnected. My life is one long string of mistakes and failures. I had to quit going to the hospital and volunteering. I know it was a mistake to quit, but I had to. I hope you understand. One of them died while I was reading. And the nurse made me keep reading to the others as they wheeled her out. And so many other reasons. After that, I guess I just drifted away and cut everypony off. I’m not totally sure what happened. And at some point, I couldn’t figure out a reason to keep going,” Noctilucent confessed, feeling a need to bare his soul. It was why he came here, why he wanted into this building in the first place, why he had to get beyond Gate Crasher, who hadn’t even really been there.

“So don’t face this alone,” Princess Luna suggested. “Find others. No, you cannot face this, what lies ahead. You will break again. I can promise you that. But others will help you if you let them. Do not underestimate the resilience of these foals. They are survivors. They are hurt, they are damaged, they may seem fragile, and some are, but they are the help that you need, and you are the help that they need. So stop wallowing in self pity, quit navel gazing, accept your depression for now, you cannot change it for the time being, and find a way to secure yourself to another. Our time grows short Noctilucent. Be patient. Continue to be your gentle self. Now listen to me carefully. Something is about to happen that is going to hurt you a great deal. In just a few minutes. If you turn this pain inward, it will wreck you. Even as we speak, events are in motion. Remember, I do love you and I want you to be happy. Somepony does love you and somepony cares about you enough to lift you up, dust you off, and try to help you. Now be ready,” Princess Luna said. Her horn flashed, and the hotel all around them exploded.

Noctilucent awoke to the sound of a bell ringing. He heard a commotion out in the hall. He stumbled from his bed and went staggering down the hall, half awake, staring around him, bleary eyed.

“Orphan incoming!” Sassafras cried, fluttering her wings.

“Foals, behave,” Holly instructed as she made her way to the stairs and began to climb them.

Noctilucent followed her up the stairs, little foals all around him. He was utterly baffled about what was going on. Candy Corn was crying, and Cactus Blossom was actually comforting Candy as Candy led Cactus up the stairs. Graves looked grim. Arroyo simply followed the herd, yawning, his horn providing light.

Holly climbed up another set of stairs, moving towards the front door of the orphanage, her horn glowing to light the way. Sassafras had picked up the pace and now was walking with Holly, still flapping her wings with excitement.

Noctilucent stopped suddenly, halting, looking around for Biscuit. Little Biscuit was nosing Cactus Blossom along, walking on the other side, keeping Cactus close to Candy.

“Oh dear,” Holly said in worried tones, opening the front door and emerging out into the frigid night. Her breath came out in visible puffs. She looked both ways, searching, checking the road, and seeing nothing. Across the street there was a tiny shed with a long pole, and a bell hanging from a strut. A rope hung from the bell.

Holly crossed the road, her hooves clattering on the paverstones, now moving quickly to reach the shed. A faint wail was now audible. Noctilucent began to rapidly understand what was happening, and felt something inside of himself shattering.

Having reached the shed, Holly opened the door and pulled out a basket, levitating it with her magic. She looked worried and angry, her movements jerky. She set the basket on the ground, pulled back the blanket and pressed her nose inside.

“Milk breath,” she muttered, “not weaned. Cold.” She lifted up the basket in her magic again and began to cross the road back to the orphanage, Sassafras on her heels.

Noctilucent hurried after her, worried, a terrible pain in his chest, and an ache in his mind. Arroyo brushed up against his leg, and he paused, taking a moment to nose the foal comfortingly. Much to his surprise, he felt a little better.

Once back inside, Holly pulled the foal from the basket. It was tiny, helpless, and and shivering.

“Cactus, come here, I need you, you are the warmest little pony I know,” Holly said. Cactus, hearing her name called, carefully made her way to Holly with Candy Corn’s help. Holly gently scooped up Cactus with her magic, lay her on a blanket on the floor, placed the foal on the blanket, and then wrapped them both up together. “Thank you Cactus,” Holly praised.

“No problem! Oh, hey, that’s a cold hoof!” Cactus said, squirming somewhat as she tried to get comfortable.

“Well, we have a new guest,” Holly announced. “I don’t see a note or any indicator of a name. Noctilucent, it falls on you to name this foal. Also, I am going to fit you will a harness so you can carry her around while I take care of the day to day stuff with the older foals. The harness will not bother your wing, I promise.” Holly vanished heading off to the kitchen.

“It is all the gas,” Graves explained. “It has to be. Cactus stays as warm as a furnace,” the little grey donkey said, giving words to his thoughts.

Noctilucent sat down and after he did so, he felt Biscuit hugging him. He hugged Biscuit back, pulling the small foal to his barrel, taking some small comfort from the foal. After a moment of hugging, Noctilucent actually swept the foal up from the floor in his foreleg, squeezing him close, tears stinging at his eyes. He felt Biscuit’s forelegs slowly slide around his neck and squeeze. He felt better. Whatever had shattered earlier didn’t hurt as much. The hug made the pain bearable. Noctilucent was certain though that the pain would return in force later.”

“It is another earth pony,” Cactus announced, cuddling the foal. “And she’s cold. Candy, get over here!”

Candy did as she was bid, laying down beside the blanket bundle, and huddling close.

Holly returned a short time later with a bottle full of warm formula, which she fed to the now well bundled foal being squashed between Candy and Cactus, Cactus actually being wrapped in the blanket with the foal.

“Been a while since the last orphan bell. That foal got adopted out to a nice older couple,” Sassafras said to Noctilucent. “He was tiny and adorable. We’re big, and not adorable. Nopony wants us.”

“All of you, head back to bed. Now,” Holly instructed. “Go, no arguing. Go back to your warm beds, tell each other goodnight, and don’t backtalk. I am not in the mood,” warned Holly.

The foals headed for the stairs in a hurry, Arroyo leading the way with his horn lit, except for Biscuit, Cactus, and Candy, who stayed behind.

Holly reached down and gave Cactus a loving nuzzle, and then Candy.

When the foal finished the bottle, Holly used her magic to burp the foal, which made Cactus giggle. The foal, now much warmer, was unwrapped and taken away from Cactus, re-wrapped, and held aloft by Holly.

“She will sleep in my room, in a crib. Tomorrow, we’ll get you fitted Noctilucent. You three, let’s go. We’re all going back to bed,” Holly said, moving towards the stairs.

Noctilucent gave one final squeeze to Biscuit and set him down. Saying nothing, he followed the foals down the stairs and went back to bed, thinking of Princess Luna and the things she had said.

Author's Note

I got to play a little bit with meaningful dream imagery. I like doing that.

Another foal is coming, and there is a bit of a poll. Look for the blog post.

No, I had no idea what I was thinking when I made Luna look the way she did in the description. I just went with it. Seemed fitting somehow.

I am mildly surprised by the love of Graves. I like him too.

I am entirely open to name suggestions, but understand I will completely ignore uber-woot-l33t crap names. Just leave a comment, and if somebody posts a really spiffy name, I might use it.

I do have one in mind, but I wanted a bit of reader participation.

Let me know if I missed anything or make a booboo.

Chapter 7

The hallway seemed to stretch on forever in either direction. Doors lined each side, each door just a few feet away from the one next to it. Each door was red, a garish bloody red. The tile floor beneath him was a soulless beige. The walls were off white, and the ceiling was utterly unremarkable.

He opened the door that he stood beside and looked in. Inside, there was a white earth pony filly foal with pink and blue hair… And she was about to get a Hearts and Hooves Day card from a midnight blue with white dapples pegasus colt. Noctilucent gasped in horror, seeing the painful memory that he so hated.

He slammed the door and stood breathing heavily.

He began to walk down the hall, sucking in wind, trying to calm himself.

This was not a pleasant place to be he suspected.

Fearing what he might see, Noctilucent opened another door.

Inside, he saw a room, a room he knew. There were flowers in vases all around, sad ponies stood about, and on a table at the other end of the room, there was a small silver urn with a photograph of a old grey haired mare.

This was the funeral of Noctilucent’s grandmare, the place he first began to truly understand that he was alone in a crowd, as none of the ponies here could comfort him. They had all been strangers. He had been raised by his grandmare, his mother having abandoned him while he was young. He moved into the room. It was better than the long hall. It was depressing and bleak, but in here, there was something.

He could see his younger self, a colt, in that awkward age where he wasn’t quite an adult, not yet, but he wasn’t a colt foal either. That troublesome in between stage that makes life so painful and awkward.

“Real shame about what happened. First his mother, then his grandmare, poor colt is going to grow up troubled,” a relative said.

“The real shame was his mother killing herself. Being a single mother is bad, but it isn’t anything to kill yourself over, what a damn shame,” the other relative said.

Noctilucent froze.

Did he know this? Or was this simply just a dream? Dreams came from what you knew, or so he understood, either that, or Princess Luna was having a go at him. His mind reeled.

Strained carrots aside, Princess Luna had shown no real interest in actually torturing him. So this couldn’t be her messing with his head. She wouldn’t do that. Not like this. She loved him, and kept saying so. She wanted the hurt to end. At least, she kept saying she wanted the hurt to end.

No. He must have heard it being said when he was young and then he had simply repressed it or not made a mental connection. He began to back away, moving towards the door. He slipped quietly back out into the hallway and gently shut the door.

The hallway stretched endlessly in either direction. Behind each door was horror, of this there could no longer be any doubt. There was no way out of the hall, so he was going to have to go into a door and somehow face whatever was behind them.

Or wake up.

Somehow, Noctilucent knew that waking up wasn’t going to be easy.

He trotted down the hall looking both left and right, hoping to see some variation in the doors. There were none. Blood red door, brass latches easily kicked open with a hoof.

He opened one door and peered inside. There he was, in the dentist’s chair. He stared in horror, smelling smoke from the drill boring into his tooth, and heard the high pitched whine of the drill motor. He could see the restraints on his legs and the dentist leaning into his work. He could hear his own muffled screaming.

He slammed the door violently.

Nope.

The long hallway stretched ever onward, and Noctilucent was no closer to escaping. He began to feel a dreadful sense of apprehension, not actually wanting to open up any more doors. Behind every door something terrible lurked, something awful awaiting no matter which door he opened.

He opened another door and found himself peering into a room. He gasped, and blushed in embarrassment. On the bed was a naked supine unicorn mare, beckoning to his younger self. His drunken younger self. He had paid quite a few bits for her services. She was now trying to lure his younger self into her bed, her mare flesh crusted over from earlier customers. He saw his younger self cut and run, fleeing the room as fast as he could, virginity still intact.

Noctilucent softly shut the door and and stood in the hallway. This wasn’t getting any easier. He couldn’t imagine what he might have to do in there to get past the room somehow and find a way out of this endless corridor.

He proceeded down the hall and opened another door. He stuck his head inside. The room was dark. He walked inside, squinting his eyes, trying to see.

He saw himself in his old bed, a colt once again. He was hiding under the blanket, trembling. And he knew what he was afraid of too. He crossed the room, closed the closet door, went to window, and then he closed the blinds, the horrible claw like tree branch outside no longer visible.

Nothing happened.

The door to leave the room was gone. There was only the closet door. Noctilucent began to curse softly. So much for this being easy. He stepped across the room, stood before the closet door, took a deep breath, and opened it, expecting to see unimaginable horror.

He found Princess Luna instead, which he supposed was marginally better than unimaginable horror.

“Who do you think you are thinking of me as being just above unimaginable horror?” Princess Luna demanded. “I could show you horror,” she growled.

The scene shifted, and Noctilucent saw himself staring down at his own broken body in a bed. Blood was pooling over the sheets, staining them crimson. White bone protruded from his wing. Princess Luna stood nearby, covered in his blood. She looked terrified, worried, she looked like she was in pain. The same sort of pain visible on a mother when her foal has been grievously wounded.

She was crying.

A nurse took one look at Noctilucent’s wing and then vomited all over the floor of the now cramped hospital room. Doctors were working to stabilise him for surgery. Machines beeped.

And then, the bed was wheeled out of the room and Princess Luna was left alone. She leaned against a wall, sobbing, great heaving sobs, heart breaking sobs, sobs that a mother with a broken heart might make.

And Noctilucent felt his own heart breaking. He tried to touch her, to comfort her, and his hoof passed through her body. The horrible anguished cries she made were quite easily the worst sounds he had ever heard in his whole life.

Each racking hitching sob was a physical blow in his mind, and Noctilucent had to escape. He pushed his way out of the hospital room, nearly slipping in the vomit puddle, he stumbled through the door on wobbling legs, and then he fell into a black void, stepping into nothingness, as there was nothing outside of the door, only a black void.

He fell.

It was a long way down.

He hoped that Princess Luna would be there to catch him.

Falling was awful, and it lasted forever.

He wanted to be caught.

He awoke in the dark covered in sweat and freezing. He had kicked off his blanket at some point, and the sheet was gone as well. The air was cool, nearly chilly. His room was black, dark, the walls and ceiling not visible in the velvet black.

He heard the faint sounds of a foal crying.

Shivering, he got out of bed and made his way down the hall, stepping at quietly as possible. His wing joint ached, a terrible burning throb. He stopped at Holly’s door. It was open.

She was awake, trying to comfort the crying foal, feeding it another bottle. It sobbed and sniffled, laying on the bed beside the middle aged unicorn, kicking little legs, spitting out the bottle.

“I think she was teat fed,” Holly said, seeing Noctilucent in the doorway. “She is not happy with this bottle.”

“Poor thing,” Noctilucent said, looking at the foal.

The foal was tiny, her pelt the colour of graham crackers, and she had a cream coloured mane and tail. She kicked and fussed, crying and spitting out milk everywhere.

“Well, just don’t stand there looking stupid, I know you want to come in and see her up close,” Holly said.

Feeling foolish, Noctilucent slowly entered the room and looked around as he did so. The walls were covered in photographs, hundreds of photographs of foals. A plaque with the Royal Lunar Seal hung upon the wall. There was a desk covered in papers, a filing cabinet, and Holly’s few possessions sat on a shelf.

He stood at Holly’s bedside, feeling as though he was intruding, invading her space, standing next to a mare’s bed felt too intimate somehow. The dream imagery from earlier flashed in his mind and he felt the hot sting in his ears of a blush. He could smell the foal. She had that sweet smell that all very young foals had, that sweet smell that made you want to love them. That newborn smell.

“How old do you think she is?” Noctilucent asked in a hushed whisper.

“Maybe a week or two,” Holly answered.

“How could somepony just throw a life away?” Noctilucent asked, feeling angry. The words echoed in his mind. How could somepony just throw a life away? He had just done it to himself.

“I am sure ponies have their reasons,” Holly replied morosely.

Surprising himself, Noctilucent nosed the foal, coming uncomfortably close to Holly, pressing his nose into the foal’s belly and inhaling deeply. He felt a strange closeness after breathing in the foal’s scent. He lifted his head and backed away. The foal had quieted a bit.

“It never gets any easier,” Holly announced. “The bell I mean. Hearing it. Every time, it rips my heart open just a little and makes it bleed. It never gets easier.” Holly finally got the bottle into the foal’s mouth and it began to suckle. It was finally hungry enough to take anything.

“I have only heard it once and I don’t know how you do it,” Noctilucent replied, shaking his head. “If I hadn’t of hugged Biscuit when I did, I think I might have broken down.”

“Biscuit is a sad story with only one word,” Holly said.

“Most of the foals here, I’ve noticed something after I’ve talked with a few. Suicide seems to be a common theme,” Noctilucent whispered.

Holly nodded. “For many, but not all,” she replied. “Arroyo’s mother lost custody of him because of rampant alcoholism.”

“I see,” Noctilucent said.

“And there is this little bundle of joy here,” Holly said, looking down at the foal beside her. The foal was still feeding.

“She seems sweet,” Noctilucent said.

“Suicide. I hate it. It wrecks everything. These foals, some of them will probably never be adopted because of extreme behaviour problems,” Holly hissed vehemently, her mood suddenly changing.

Noctilucent felt a sharp stabbing pang of guilt. “I think I am going to go back to bed. Good night Holly. Wake me in the morning when you need me,” Noctilucent said, backing out the room.

When he was back in his own bed, huddled under the blankets, the tears began to fall. He cried silently, not making a sound, feeling wretched for what he had done. He quietly resolved that he would never do anything so selfish ever again, never cause so much pain to those around him.

His last thoughts as he drifted off to sleep was Princess Luna sobbing.

Author's Note

Let me know if I made any errors, and leave a comment if you have something to say.

Edit. Youtube links killed. They refused to work for whatever reason.

Chapter 8

Breakfast had been a simple affair, more frozen fruit served with cottage cheese, and all the oatmeal a pony could care to eat. The foals complained bitterly about the oatmeal, except for Graves, odd little Graves that prefered to eat his oatmeal plain.

Something was wrong with that little donkey.

True to her word, Holly had harnessed Noctilucent. The harness was something new to him, it went around his neck, looped around both of his front legs, and left the foal slung right over his chest, just below his neck and head. The foal responded quite well to being slung and then hung around Noctilucent’s neck. Quite well meaning she only screamed bloody murder for several minutes until Noctilucent angled his head downwards and kissed her on top of her head. Then, she quieted and seemed content to make cooing gurgles and to drool copiously.

After breakfast, Holly had taken the fillies off to the basement for a much needed bath, leaving the colts in Noctilucent’s care. Graves occupied himself with a book, Biscuit was having an after breakfast doze in a patch of sunlight from a narrow window that shone into the playroom, and Noctilucent found himself in the company of Arroyo.

The pink unicorn colt.

Arroyo was busy trying to colour in a colouring book, using his magic to hold the crayon. He wasn’t very good at it, and his approach seemed odd. He held the crayon in place and moved the book around underneath it.

“How are you Arroyo? Did you get enough sleep?” Noctilucent asked, feeling oddly out of place for trying to create small talk with the colt.

“Yeah,” Arroyo said, his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth, his face pinched in concentration. “This is really hard.”

For a moment, Noctilucent considered telling the colt foal that it would be easier to move the crayon and hold the book still. I mean, that seemed like the reasonable thing to do. “I hear you can summon dust devils,” he said, looking at Arroyo’s cutie mark, which was a dust devil.

“Yeah I can. Holly uses me to clean the sand out of the common room. I create a whirlwind and poof! I can blow all the sand up the stairs and back outside. Doing that makes my horn hurt though. That’s a lot of magic for a colt my age. Luna said so,” the pink colt answered as he continued to colour.

“It must feel nice to be useful,” Noctilucent said.

The crayon dropped. Arroyo halted, looking very puzzled. His eyes blinked rapidly and his muzzle scrunched as his thought processes tried to work with this information. “Useful?” Arroyo asked.

“Being able to help out. To have some way to contribute. To be able to do something nice for Holly and the others,” Noctilucent explained.

“Oooooh,” the colt replied slowly, realisation finally dawning upon his face. “I never thought about it that way. I usually do it to show off.”

Well, there was something to be said for honesty. Noctilucent slowly realised that Arroyo was using one crayon to colour everything. A brown crayon. The haybale was brown. The pony was brown. The apple was brown. One of the clouds was brown, the others left uncoloured. “Why is everything brown?” Noctilucent asked.

Arroyo froze, everything once again shutting down as his mind tried to process the information that interrupted his task. “Why isn’t everything brown?” Arroyo asked, attempting to be clever.

From behind his book, Graves snorted.

“I don’t know why everything is brown,” Arroyo confessed. “Life gets like that sometimes. Stuff happens and you can only see one colour.”

Graves set down his book and glared at Arroyo, his face softening slightly.

“I think I understand what you mean Arroyo,” Noctilucent replied gently, casting a glance at Graves.

“There is no point in noticing any other colours,” Arroyo said, struggling with a difficult concept. “Like here, in Mustang Springs. Everything is adobe and sand. Whoever made this place used only the brown crayon.”

Graves snorted in amusement and resumed reading his book.

“And once you begin colouring, you just sort of get comfortable using only one crayon. It works on everything if you don’t let it bother you, and you can fall into a, uh, a…”

“A groove?” Graves suggested, interrupting Arroyo.

“Yeah!” Arroyo agreed.

“Yes, settling into complacency is so terribly easy,” Graves acknowledged.

“What is complacency?” Arroyo asked. “Is that like an exit dental crisis?”

Graves moaned, as though he was in great pain, his eyes clenching shut.

“Complacency is feeling good about how things are and not wanting to make them better. Where you feel secure or good about life and settle into one spot and never move. Or you select just one crayon and keep colouring with it,” Noctilucent said. From below him, the foal blew a slobbery raspberry, her lips flapping and spraying drool.

“My sense of complacency allows for my heightened sense of self assured satisfaction regarding my superiourity,” Graves explained.

“I don’t understand Graves sometimes,” Arroyo confessed. “It is like he is speaking a different language.”

“Yeah, I don’t speak stupid,” Graves retorted.

“That is completely uncalled for!” Noctilucent chided.

“But I am stupid. My mother drank too much when she made me,” Arroyo muttered, looking very depressed.

Noctilucent glared daggers at Graves, who responded by hiding behind his book. He reached out with one foreleg and gently patted Arroyo, who looked very distraught. “All Graves said is that he is insufferably smug and a real pain in the plot,” Noctilucent explained.

Graves snorted in disgust but said nothing.

“Both of you have something in common, and Graves shouldn’t be lording himself over you Arroyo. He’s just as hurt about life as you seem to be. He’s just acting like he is above all of this so he can feel better,” Noctilucent said, still gently stroking Arroyo.

“Really?” Arroyo asked.

Graves sighed and set down his book. “I apologise. I spoke out of turn,” the donkey foal said, expressing regret.

“You use words like I use the brown crayon. Don’t think about it, just do it and keep going,” Arroyo said, his face pinched in intense concentration.

“Yeah, actually,” Graves admitted, looking somewhat confused and impressed, his long drooping ears that framed his face twitching slightly.

“I know what is means to be stuck in a rut,” Noctilucent confessed. “Sometimes, you fall back on the only thing you know. A brown crayon, words, certain behaviours.”

Graves peered at Noctilucent, his eyes narrowed. He nodded faintly in acknowledgement. For a moment, Noctilucent worried that Graves could see into his soul and know his secrets.

Donkeys were fiercely intelligent creatures. They did not have magic, or members of their species that could fly, or great strength like earth ponies. All they had as a species was raw intelligence, and Noctilucent realised that Graves was an excellent representative of his species.

There was a shriek that came from downstairs, followed by Cactus Blossom’s shrill laughter that came floating up the stairs and lingered in the room.

“I would bet a carrot that she made bubbles in the tub,” Graves guessed.

Arroyo shuddered. “She scares me,” he admitted.

“Scares you?” Noctilucent asked.

“Cactus Blossom kissed him one day,” Graves said in teasing haughty tones.

“Yeah she did,” Arroyo acknowledged, turning even pinker than he usually was. “She said she only did it to make me feel better. She’s strong. Earth ponies are so strong. I feel so bad for her. She’s blind. That’s not fair. At least she cannot see how pink I am,” Arroyo said, shame evident in his voice.

“Nothing wrong with being pink,” Noctilucent said.

“Says you, you’re dark blue. I’m pink! Ponies think I am a filly! I almost got adopted by a nice older couple until one of them actually noticed that I am a colt. And then, it was over,” Arroyo complained. “Sassy keeps pinning me down and tying ribbons in my mane.”

Graves snorted and chuckled.

“That’s awful,” Noctilucent said, shaking his head.

The foal slung on Noctilucent’s chest gurgled a few times and waved her forelegs around. He reached around with a wing and gave her a tickle, and she squealed, kicking and squirming, her eyes wide with foalish alarm. He withdrew his feathers and the foal quieted. A look of intense concentration appeared upon her face. She grunted a few times and there was splurgle-gurgle sound from her belly. Then, she relaxed and made a contented coo.

Noctilucent’s nostrils flared. Oh no!

“Malodorous!” Graves cried, dropping his book and fleeing rapidly, his hooves clattering over the slate tile floor. He vanished down the stairs, his long cord-like tail waving behind him.

“Whatever he said,” Arroyo agreed, abandoning his art efforts and running down the stairs and into the basement.

Noctilucent was trapped. He could not run, the source of the stench was slung from his neck, directly below his nose. He did not know what to do exactly. He had certainly never changed a diaper before.

“Hrrrunk!” he hrrrunked, staggering from the stench.

Biscuit awoke, sniffed, and immediately began to snort in panic. He fled the room, running down the stairs, leaving poor Noctilucent all alone.

“Oh my, you are a little stinker,” Noctilucent said to the foal in nasal tones, trying to not breathe through his nose.

He wrapped a foreleg around the foal, hugging her to his chest. “Why did you do this to me? Haven’t I suffered enough?” he asked.

The foal cooed in reply, and then burbled a bit, making foal noises. “Blub blub blubblethubble,” she babbled.

Noctilucent made his way towards the stairs and began to climb his way down into the cool depths of the building, needing to find Holly. The stairs were broad, each stair quite wide, it was made to be easy for foals to climb up and down. The stairs were made from red terracotta tiles, which stood out in sharp contrast to the blue slate covering the floors. The grout between the tiles, once white, was grey-brown with age.

There were groans as he prowled through the hall.

“There is no escaping!” Graves cried in alarm. “The basement shall become our tomb!”

Holly stuck her head out of the bathing room door and sniffed. “Oh my gosh, that is feculent. I’ve smelled a lot of soiled diapers, but that has to be the worst. How are you still breathing Noctilucent? No, no, no stay back! Please, I can deal with that diaper from a distance, just stay away!”

Noctilucent halted his advance.

“Go back upstairs and wait for me,” Holly begged. “Uggleglurp!” she gagged, covering her mouth with a hoof.

Noctilucent turned and headed back up the stairs, the foal’s nostril punishing stench clinging to his nose. He could hear fillyish screams behind him and cries that the stench was even worse than Cactus Blossom.

“My little cookie made a crumble,” Noctilucent said in a ridiculous voice, attempting foal-talk.

He could taste it.

He stood in the center of the common room, not quite sure what to do. The foal kicked and squirmed, grunting and making fussy noises.

A moment later, the foal exploded.

Runny brown rivulets ran down the foal’s hind legs, splattering into a brown-green puddle on the floor. The previous stench was heavenly compared to the new one.

Unbeknownst to Noctilucent, foal formula did not agree with the foal’s digestive system. He stood there, the foal continuing to flood the floor around his front hooves with foamy runny feces.

After what seemed like a small eternity, she made a contented sigh and settled into her sling, smacking her lips noisily and making happy little foal noises, the painful pressure and discomfort finally gone.

It had started with a tickle that had removed the initial blockage, allowing the floodgates to open.

And open they had. Noctilucent suffered the horrifying realisation that most new parents discover when confronted with foal feces. There were more feces than foal… the comparative masses did not measure up to one another.

The foal farted again, sending a fresh squirt shooting out of her overflowing diaper, dribbling down her hind legs, and dripping on the tile floor.

“Oh my gosh!” Holly cried from the stairs.

“My cookie crumbled,” Noctilucent gagged.

“Did she ever!” Holly agreed. “Note to self, change out formula type.”

“Should it be this colour of green?” Noctilucent asked, making his best effort to not allow air to travel through his nostrils.

There was a terrified shriek from behind Holly, followed by gagging sounds. Only one foal stood by Holly’s side, undaunted. Cactus Blossom stood, pressed now againsts Holly’s leg, looking grim.

“Something kinda stinks,” Cactus announced casually.

“Cactus honey, stay back, the floor is flooded,” Holly said.

“Flooded with… poo?” Cactus asked.

“Yeah,” Holly admitted.

“Do we have a paddle?” The foal asked.

Holly sniggered. Noctilucent found himself grinning reluctantly.

“No paddle,” Holly chortled.

“We are screwed then,” Cactus Blossom confided.

“Cactus Blossom! Language!” Holly scolded halfheartedly.

The foal around Noctilucent’s neck gave a grunt and continued to dribble. A considerable stream of sludgy foam poured to the floor, sending droplets spattering everywhere.

“THAT does not sound good!” Cactus cried in alarm.

“Cactus, honey, go downstairs,” Holly said.

“No, I am here for moral support. Plus, I can’t see, and I like smelling things. And even though this smells awful, it sure is interesting,” Cactus explained.

Noctilucent could feel the heat rising from the poo lagoon on the floor before him.

“Wait till Luna hears all about this!” Cactus Blossom cried as Holly finally moved forward to try and deal with the mess.

Author's Note

Parents will know exactly what I am talking about.

**Nods head**

Let me know if there is anything I missed. Leave a comment if you like. I encourage lively discussion.

Chapter 9

Holly had somehow managed to tackle the entire mess by the time that Noctilucent had finished his shower. The foal seemed to be in a much better mood, and the harness had been returned around Noctilucent’s neck. This was somehow comforting.

Upon having his foal returned, he had given her a kiss on her head to let her know that there was no hard feelings and all had been forgiven. It pained Noctilucent to admit it, but he was already feeling a strong sense of attachment.

It was now bathtime for the colts, and Holly had taken them downstairs, leaving Noctilucent in charge of the fillies. They seemed to be well behaved enough. For now.

Sassafras had pulled out a battered small guitar, one of her few possessions, and was trying to pick out a tune from the badly tuned instrument. Noctilucent couldn’t help but notice that the griffon actually had some measure of talent, what she needed was a better guitar and perhaps some lessons. Her talon fingers were ideally suited for quick nimble movements, and her claws allowed to her pick and pluck on the strings. She clacked her beak together to keep time as she tried to coax a tune.

As Noctilucent sat watching the griffon, he felt a gentle prodding. Looking down, he saw Candy Corn.

“Hi,” she said in a shy whisper. “Cactus says I should talk to you, she says you’re nice and you don’t scold her for being a blabbermouth,” the foal explained.

Cactus sat just behind Candy Corn, staring ahead at the wall, nodding her head slightly. She had one hoof resting on Candy’s back, and gently rubbed Candy as she spoke.

“I hear that you and Cactus are very close friends,” Noctilucent said.

“We are,” Candy squeaked. “I am her eyes, and she is my courage. I can’t remember your name, I’m sorry.”

“My name comes from an old language and it is difficult to remember. It is a special type of cloud that only comes out at night. My name actually means ‘Night Shining’ so you could call me Night or Shining and I could try to remember to answer to those names,” Noctilucent said, offering to help the foal if he could.

“You’re freckled,” Candy said, touching one of Noctilucent’s many white spots. Reaching a little higher, she gently stroked the foal, causing the foal to burble a bit.

“I’m dappled,” Noctilucent explained.

“Cactus knows what you look like, she had a dream about you,” Candy said.

“No tellin’!” Cactus cried, prodding her friend.

“Sorry,” Candy replied, hanging her head.

Noctilucent peered at Cactus, eyeing her curiously. She seemed flustered that her secret was out. The prod changed into a brief hug.

“Since you spilled a secret, I get to spill a secret,” Cactus quipped. “Candy wants to be my sister,” Cactus blurted.

Candy meeped and covered her face with both of her forelegs, still in Cactus’ embrace, which kept her from falling over.

“There is nothing wrong with that,” Noctilucent said.

“Yeah there is, nopony is ever going to adopt both of us,” Cactus snarked.

“I don’t want to be adopted unless Cactus comes with me. I’m her eyes,” Candy whispered, shaking her head. “And I need her for so many reasons.”

Noctilucent hadn’t been aware that Sassafras had quit playing he guitar until she sat down before him with the foals.

“You haven’t ran away yet,” Sassafras said bluntly.

“I don’t plan to run away,” Noctilucent said. I couldn’t run away even if I wanted to he thought to himself.

“I don’t know what to make of you,” Sassafras admitted.

“Make of me?” asked Noctilucent.

“You are almost too good to be true. I mean, that foal dropped an explosive poo-bomb and you never once shouted, got angry, or did much of anything. That ain’t normal,” Sassafras pointed out.

Upon hearing the words “explosive poo-bomb” Cactus Blossom fell apart with a terrible case of the giggles.

“She can’t help that she was sick, shouting at her wouldn’t have accomplished anything,” Noctilucent replied.

“But shouting would have made you feel better,” Sassafras countered. “And most adults only want to make themselves feel better. Most adults are horrible and selfish, and think only of themselves. They never stop to think about how what they do might hurt us.”

“Adults make mistakes,” Noctilucent admitted.

“I really hope you stay,” Sassafras said, repeating her words from the other day, when she had first met Noctilucent. “I’m starting to like you.”

“You’re nice,” Candy said. “I wish you had been my father…” her words trailed off and she began to sniffle, her eyes flooding with tears.

Noctilucent, knowing what Candy’s father had done, suddenly felt quite sad, a pain he wasn’t sure that he could deal with right now. And if any of them knew the truth he thought to himself.

Suddenly, he wanted to be far, far away from the fillies and the griffon cub.

“Will you help us with our schoolwork?” Candy asked.

“You have schoolwork?” Noctilucent replied with a question.

“Well duh, of course we have schoolwork,” Sassafras replied. “They have to torture us somehow.”

“They?” Noctilucent asked, a faint smile coming to his lips in spite of his own inner turmoil.

“Them. They. Horrible adults that want nothing more than to torture us because we are too small to fight back,” Sassafras said, flexing her talons.

“Or they could love you and want what is best for you,” Noctilucent retorted as he stared at the griffon.

“Yeah, adults making all the choices for us, because we aren’t allowed to make our own choices,” Sassafras grumped. “We have a right to do what we want to do and we should be free to do as we please,” she added.

“Free to do stupid things that cause you to hurt yourself?” Noctilucent asked. The dreadful realisation of what he was saying struck him dramatically. So much for free will he thought to himself.

“If you wanted to eat a pony should you be free to do that?” Cactus asked Sassafrass.

“Oh no… I didn’t mean that. I would never eat a pony the thought makes me feel si-HHHHUUUUURRRRRUUUULF!” The griffon covered her beak with her claws and gagged, nearly throwing up on the floor.

Cactus moved towards the sound of the distressed griffon, feeling her way forward. When she found her, Cactus pulled the griffon into a hug, which the griffon accepted gratefully.

“Sassy eats bugs and sometimes fish they send in for her to keep her healthy, but the idea of eating somethin’ that talks makes her sick,” Candy explained.

Noctilucent nodded, still thinking about his own situation.

“I am a cheese eating griffon,” Sassafras said queasily. “It’s been proven that griffons can survive on cheese and eggs and stuff like that. Eating things that talk… GLUUUURPH!” she covered her mouth again as she almost spewed.

The foal around his neck farted, causing Noctilucent a great deal of panic. He waited, as did the foals, who were now frozen in terror, six eyes staring at the foal in the sling. Regaining her senses first, Sassafras scrambled away, pulling Cactus along with her, and Candy, seeing the others retreat, also scurried away.

Thankfully, nothing else happened, other than a nostril burning stench.

Noctilucent raised one foreleg and hugged the foal to his chest and kissed her once again on top of her head. “Baby has a troubled tummy,” he mumbled in a foal-talk voice.

School turned out to be a simple affair. Holly taught the foals basic things they needed to know. Holly had mentioned to Noctilucent in passing that sometimes, one of the several retired school teachers who lived in Mustang Springs came in to teach a special class or a series of lessons.

But mostly, it was Holly. Holly did everything for these foals.

Her every waking hour seemed devoted to their care, and she was a devoted caretaker. She had no days off, no time to rest or recuperate, no moments to look after her own needs. Noctilucent was staggered by her dedication.

Today’s class was all about writing a letter. How to format a letter, how to fold a letter, how to address a letter, and how to send a letter. Mail was the primary means of communication in Equestria, and how to communicate was a vital skill that the foals needed.

Cactus of course could do none of these these things, but she listened with interest, a look of intense concentration upon her face.

Arroyo was having some difficulty, and, oddly enough, Graves was actually helping the pink unicorn colt, and Arroyo seemed quite confused by Graves’ assistance. Holly noticed as well and kept eyeing the pair, as though waiting for Graves to let go with his usual string of insults, complaining about Arroyo’s stupidity.

Biscuit had folded his paper over and over again, until it was almost the size of postage stamp. He sat, looking a little bored, staring at his folded piece of paper discontentedly.

Sassafras and Candy worked together, Candy failing to produce crisp folds in her paper. Applying that amount of pressure meant violence, and Candy didn’t have that in her. Candy however, had amazing script, her control with a pencil held in her mouth a marvel to watch.

Watching all of this made Noctilucent think about writing a letter himself, but he didn’t know the address. There was a mare out there somewhere that was a school teacher, and she had a foal, and for some reason, Noctilucent wanted to know that she was alright. He suffered a painful flashback of her as he had walked away, leaving her on the couch, knowing full well what was going to happen. His mental recollection caused him to physically cringe, and he did not see Holly eyeing him curiously.

He then thought about his first crush, the very first time he felt something so strong for another pony, and the ill fated attempt to communicate with her on Hearts and Hooves Day. No one would have him. He hadn’t even wanted himself.

Sending a letter to Merriweather wouldn’t fix anything. She had no reason to ever want to speak to him again, not after what he had done. Or what he had not done, depending on how you looked at it. What he had allowed to happen. It was nice to know that Merriweather had moved on, becoming a teacher and keeping the foal.

His thoughts were interrupted by a “clunk” from the front door. Rising, he went up the steps to the front door, pulled it open, and saw a package on the stoop. The mailpony was traveling down the road, sweating, and looking hot. It wasn’t even noon yet. The heat was oppressive.

He picked the package up by the string around it and carried it inside, hauling it down the stairs. It had his name on it, and it was probably the painkillers Princess Luna promised. He set it on the table that stood near the stairs going up to the front door and then resumed watching the lesson, occasionally hugging or kissing the foal slung around his neck. Each nudge, each nuzzle, each touch of affection made him feel better and pushed some of his depression back.

Lunch was cold, salad greens and vegetables, along with leftovers from the night before, the cold beans now exceptionally delicious after having sat in the fridge overnight. And there were of course, lots of avocados. Noctilucent was getting a taste for them, and had eaten several wedges.

The foal was still struggling to take in formula. Holly had changed formula types, and the mixture in the bottles now was faintly orange. Noctilucent hoped the change would help, he did not want a repeat of the incident earlier.

Noctilucent observed within himself an odd feeling when Holly had taken the foal from him to cuddle it for a while and change its diaper. He wanted the foal back. And he had become quite flustered not having her secured around his neck. The feeling was troubling. He was quite relieved when the foal was returned.

Unknown to Noctilucent, Holly had noticed his behaviour and was quite pleased to see the pegasus acting paternal. Holly wanted the foals to have a dependable father figure. Every single one of them needed a father figure in their lives.

With lunch and the break time over, it was time for school to be back in session, followed by an afternoon snack, and then it would be naptime to prepare for the evening.

The foals were excited about this evening. The library wagon would be stopping by, loaded down with books. While Graves showed no actual excitement, he did keep expressing his desire for new books to read.

Feeling full, a little sleepy, and sort of bored, Noctilucent was looking forward to naptime. He yawned, causing other yawns in all those who had observed him.

Watching the foals do their schoolwork, Noctilucent settled into a chair to cuddle with his foal. Words could not describe the soothing effect it was having upon his troubled soul.

Author's Note

There are a few important bits tucked away in plain sight.

The foals continue to gain character.

And the story progresses.

Let me know if I missed anything.

Comments are always appreciated.

Chapter 10

Princess Luna pondered her gambit. So far, everything was going off without a hitch. Her testing facility, Mustang Springs Orphanage, was an ideal place to try new methods. During the week prior to Noctilucent’s arrival, she had seeded their dreams with soothing images of blue and white, inspiring feelings of trust, safety, and security associated with all things blue and white, and a certain number of triggers. She had done similar preparation with Noctilucent while he slumbered in the hospital.

Her attention drifted slightly. Her physical body was asleep in Canterlot at the moment, sleeping the day away. Part of her manifested essence was dealing with another suicide survivor, presenting a very realistic projection of reality to them, standing watch in their hospital room, comforting them and letting them know that their life was going to change. Another part of her manifested essence was in Las Pegasus, watching and waiting for a troubled soul nearing the end of their rope. It wouldn’t be long now.

And during all of this, she was in the minds of thousands of dreamers, all of whom were sleeping during the day. In particular though, she focused on the many minds of Mustang Springs Orphanage, the minds that she was currently the most interested in. Even Princess Luna had hobbies.

She was so close to some small measure of success. It wasn’t a major victory in the war on poor mental health, but it was a powerful step in the right direction. Noctilucent and the foals were reacting better than Luna’s wildest expectations.

She shifted through his troubled mind, his body lying in his bed, taking a well deserved afternoon nap. The images of the morning were fresh, and Luna stumbled into a particularly bad situation as she peered into the memory of the foal and the poo-bomb. She was immediately filled with regret, now experiencing everything that Noctilucent had endured. Even in dreams, it was gag inducing. She pushed past all of that however, and dug deeper. She liked what she saw, and the results were highly unexpected. All of her triggers and implanted suggestions had produced a powerful bond with the foal. The foal was an anomaly. It had not been accounted for in the slightest. Sure, Luna knew that new foals would be delivered to the orphanage, but nothing had been specifically planned with this particular foal.

Noctilucent’s reaction had been almost too perfect. Quite without meaning to, Luna had triggered the powerful bonding agents of new fathers, and Noctilucent was deep within the throes of falling in love with his new charge as though it was his own flesh and blood. With every sniff, every kiss, every touch, Noctilucent was causing the chemical and emotional triggers of his brain to work overtime and create a powerful paternal bond with the foal he so loved. She would have to make sure she took long term precautions for Noctilucent’s own safety, and place spells of deterrence on the foal so potential adopters would not develop interest. She wanted this powerful sense of bonding to take place with the other orphans. While something was happening, it was not the full result she was looking for.

As she poked and prodded through the sleeping minds of Mustang Springs Orphanage, Luna began to realise that stronger measures might be needed at some point, and she began to think about various triggers and bonding agents that she could implement.

Sensing trouble, a part of her will broke free and a new portion of manifested essence took shape, now standing watch over a troubled soul in Manehatten, who had just awoken from a troubling dream about leaping from a window. If he tried anything, she would be prepared.

Fascinated with Noctilucent’s dreaming mind, Luna decided to drop in for a visit and see how Noctilucent was adjusting to his new life.

The barn was large and yellow. Of course, Noctilucent had no idea why he was in the countryside or why the barn was yellow. Neither did Princess Luna. Dreams were quirky things sometimes. She manifested next to the blue and white dappled stallion reclining on a haystack.

“Hello,” Princess Luna greeted.

Noctilucent looked at her, his eyes flashing with so many emotions. The stallion was supine on his back, and had been watching the clouds. He was also visibly aroused, a fact that he currently seemed completely oblivious to. It was going to make kissing him or showing him physical affection rather awkward.

The dreaming mind was an odd thing.

“I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve figured it out. I get it. I understand what you are trying to teach me. You can let go of me. I’m safe now. I don’t want to leave. I feel good about being here. I want to be here. I want to live now. I understand what I’ve done and how wrong it is,” Noctilucent said, his gaze now peering up at the clouds as they passed overhead.

“I am sorry Noctilucent, but I cannot let you go. As I have stated, it is no longer in my power to do so,” Princess Luna replied.

“But I get it. I don’t want to die any more. I’ll do whatever you ask, but I want to be free again. There are things I need to do. Things I need to take care of, and I need to be free to do them. I want to get better,” Noctilucent pleaded.

“I had not expected you to reach the bargaining phase quite so quickly,” Princess Luna stated with mild shock.

“Bargaining phase?” the stallion asked.

“Nothing,” Princess Luna said dismissively. “You say there are things you need to do?” she asked.

“Yes, I need to make amends to a certain pony that I have wronged,” Noctilucent confessed.

“Well, that is certainly a step in the right direction. I will help you do that,” Princess Luna promised.

Birds flew overhead. It was a troubling sign for Luna. All of them were flying backwards.

“So can we bargain?” Noctilucent asked. “If so, I have a list of requests.”

“Bargaining is a phase you are beginning to develop, the third phase. You skipped the first, dabbled briefly in anger, and now you are trying to wheedle your way free,” Princess Luna explained. “You have some requests?” she asked.

“Nothing selfish, I promise,” Noctilucent said, shifting his body, and causing his highly visible excitement to bob up and down.

“I am listening,” Princess Luna acknowledged, looking away from the overly excited stallion and looking at the bright yellow barn instead.

“First off, Sassafras needs a new guitar. Or maybe a banjo. She’s a plucker. She also needs lessons. She has raw talent and it is going to waste. If you want me to keep working for you, then I demand something in return. And this is the first of my demands,” Noctilucent said, scratching his barrel with a forehoof.

“You are in no position to make demands, but your request is reasonable,” Princess Luna replied.

It was troubling just how aroused the stallion was. First there was the dream where he had formed a hypersexual image of her in Las Pegasus, making her look more than a little bit whorsey, all the while sporting an enormous erection. And now, there was this. She was his current maternal figure and his turgid tumescence was troubling. Noctilucent had never developed a healthy sense of sexuality. It was something that was going to have to be fixed at some point.

“I want watercolours and paints. I can teach the foals about art,” Noctilucent requested and offered in the same sentence.

Princess Luna considered his words. He did have some skill as an artist. “I can do that,” she offered. It was so difficult talking to dreamers sometimes. Luna redoubled her efforts to focus on the barn.

The barn had no doors. Another potentially troubling sexual sign. No way of telling which way his barn door swung of if there were no barn doors.

All around her were troubling signs. All of the bark on the trees was pinched into hundreds upon hundreds of small faintly vaginal shapes, a nearby water pump dribbled and dripped water, and, as she was watching, a one eyed gopher emerged from its hole and peered at her. The clouds overhead began to darken.

“You know, usually, this isn’t how bargaining works,” Princess Luna said gently, keeping an eye on the troubling sights all around her. “But I am glad you are thinking of others.”

Thunder boomed in the distance, and the clouds overhead blacked and turned a dark sullen grey. Wind began to pull hay from the haystack and send it flying. The trees swayed in the whipping wind.

“I still want to be free, but if you will provide me with what I need, I will continue to do this task I have been given,” Noctilucent said, absentmindedly giving himself a slow single stroke with a bent fetlock.

The clouds burst open, flooding the area with rain. Princess Luna was instantly soaked, completely sopping wet. This was an occupational hazard of wandering the dream realm. She became all too aware how wet and inviting she must be looking right now as the stallion gave himself another stroke. He wasn’t doing it intentionally, or even aware it was happening, but the effect was unnerving all the same.

“I will look after your needs,” Princess Luna promised. Water clung to her long eyelashes and trickled down her ears. It ran down her legs in rivulets, greatly enhancing her beauty and accentuating her features. Large droplets slowly rolled over her every curve, and a steady stream of water flowed over her backside and trickled from a very delicate location, making it look like she was releasing a flow of liquid from between her hind legs. She took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and then let it out slowly.

Feeling very nervous about what she was about to say, but knowing it needed to be said anyway, Princess Luna steeled herself and screwed her courage to the sticking place.

“I love you, and I want you to be happy,” Princess Luna said, leaning on to the haystack and planting a waterlogged kiss on Noctilucent’s cheek. It was quite possibly one of the most awkward moments that Luna had experienced lately. “Be well, and look after my foals,” she added, feeling water running through her feathers.

With a flap of her wings, Princess Luna fled the dream. There were other dreamers she had to visit.

Author's Note

Heh. Now go back and reread the chapter involving the dream in Las Pegasus.

That was immensely satisfying to write, finally something from Luna's end of things. It was also creepy and uncomfortable.

Let me know if I left any mistakes behind. I cleaned out quite a few.

Discussion is highly encouraged! I am sure the new point of view will be somewhat unsettling.

Chapter 11

Princess Luna took a moment to take in her surroundings. She knew this place, knew it all too well, and immediately felt pain upon recognition. She stood in a long hallway, a distorted long hallway, leading to a door that was not well squared. The top was wider than the bottom, and the entire thing tilted off to one side. Nothing was flush. Not here.

She walked down the hall, knowing what she would find before she even opened the door. The stench of death filled the air, and there was an unpleasant chemical tang that burned her nose.

Her hooves made no noise as she walked down the long misshapen hallway towards the badly distorted door. She shook her head sadly, wishing she could do more for the troubled soul beyond the door.

She pushed open the door and stepped inside the room.

Before her was small grey donkey foal staring at the partially dissolved corpse of his mother. Her stomach had burned open, spilling out her insides all over the bed, and she had vomited out some of her internal bits before she had died. The room reeked of death and drain cleaner.

“Graves, why are you here yet again?” Princess Luna asked.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Graves replied, not bothering to turn around and look at Luna behind him. His barrel heaved with a sigh.

“You keep torturing yourself Graves. Come away with me,” Princess Luna said soothingly.

“Really, this isn’t what it looks like… I came to say goodbye. I can’t do this anymore,” Graves explained in a raspy voice.

“Saying goodbye is important. Letting go is good,” Princess Luna said, moving forward to sit down beside Graves.

“I just wish I could stop hating her, but I can’t,” Graves confessed, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“You will learn to let go in time, at least that is my hope,” Princess Luna said comfortingly, placing a wing around Graves and trying to console the excessively depressed donkey foal.

“Look at her. She was smart. Like me. But she did something so stupid, how could she do something so stupid?!” Graves shouted.

“Sometimes, you hit a bad point in your life and it becomes so easy to make mistakes,” Princess Luna said, shaking her head.

“Like Noctilucent,” Graves replied. “He made a mistake, didn’t he? He did that to himself, didn’t he? The pony that hurt him was him, wasn’t it?” Graves asked.

Princess Luna sat silently, and did not reply.

“He is insufferably patient and nice… how could he do that to himself? I don’t understand. He is infuriatingly kind. I don’t see how it is possible,” Graves muttered, shaking his head, leaning a bit into Princess Luna’s side. “My mother was selfish. I could see this coming from her. I was a burden. I was dead weight. I was in the way. I was another mouth to feed… I don’t understand how Noctilucent could do this to himself. He doesn’t seem to have it in him to bring harm to anybody.”

“Graves, I was worried that you would figure this out. You must not tell the others about what he has done. It would undo much hard work. Yes, Noctilucent did harm himself. He reached a very bad place in his life and felt that there was no other way out,” Princess Luna confessed.

“I give you my word as a donkey that I won’t breathe a word,” Graves promised. “I don’t think I have it in me to hurt him,” he added.

“Thank you, Graves. Now come on, let us be away from here,” Princess Luna said, rising to her hooves.

Graves stood, and peered at his mother’s body. “Goodbye,” the donkey foal said as he glared at his mother’s corpse. He then turned around and headed for the door, Princess Luna following after him.

She followed him through the door, and, as the door closed behind them, Princess Luna knew that Graves would not return. She took a measure of comfort in knowing that Graves had taken the first big step down the road to recovery.

Even as she attended to both Noctilucent and Graves, she looked after others as well. She turned herself into a foal and played tag with Biscuit, after finally coaxing him out of his mental hiding space. She watched a sunset with Cactus Blossom, who enjoyed sunsets a great deal. Cactus Blossom had also been exceptionally chatty, even more so than her usual self, discussing Noctilucent and how nice he had been to Candy Corn. As the both of them watched the sun sink over the horizon and the first star of the night came out, Cactus Blossom made a wish when she saw it. She refused to tell Luna what her wish was, but Luna already knew. Time spent with Candy Corn was soothing, there was a long walk through a lush green wood, a place where the sun was not so scorching, and the air was moist and cool. Sassafras dreamed of flight, as she always dreamed of flight. More than anything else, Sassafras wanted to fly.

Princess Luna placed a great deal of effort into her time with Arroyo, carefully undoing the many mental blocks and trying to untangle his underdeveloped mind. It was a frustrating task that took much effort to get a return, but Luna was determined to get him to a functional level no matter how long it took. Luna’s ability to heal the mind was only limited by her imagination, willingness to repair, as well as time and effort. She had saved Arroyo from a life of mental retardation, and now, she was determined to restore him to full normality even if it meant creating each and every new brain connection herself, one at a time. Arroyo was the first, and Luna perfected her technique slowly, hoping that one day, she would be able to restore others who suffered in similar ways.

Holly Heartwood lay on her bed, awake, looking at the foal by her side. Her entire life had been foals, and now, as she matured into middle age, she wondered who was going to take her place. She couldn’t do this forever.

The foal emitted yet another foul smelling belch that was redolent with the reek of rotten eggs, causing Holly to sigh in frustration. Even the special formula was not sitting well.

“I think somepony loves you, maybe, just a little bit,” Holly said to the foal.

The foal did not respond, it lay there: blinking occasionally, looking uncomfortable. It burbled and blew a spit-bubble, which popped, spattering the immediate area with drool droplets.

“You are going to make me go through all of the trouble of finding a wetnurse, aren’t you?” Holly asked the foal as she prodded it with her nose. “This town is full of the very old and the very young, and there are very few that live in the middle,” the mare explained as she gave another loving nuzzle to the foal.

Holly’s ears perked, listening for the sounds of wakefulness coming from the other room, and heard nothing. Her charges remained in peaceful slumber. The orphanage was in a state of complete peace and quiet, and the matronly mare treasured these moments.

In his room, Noctilucent awoke from a troubling dream that he could not quite remember. He was almost certain he had been dreaming of Luna. And it had been raining. He felt a hot flush travel through his body. He did not understand his current feeling nor could he explain it. He rose out of bed, stretching slowly and carefully as he got up, and then shook himself gently, trying not to disturb his wing, which ached. The painkillers were not much of a help. They took away the burning sensation, and little else.

He stepped cautiously into the hall, smiled at Holly as he passed, and made his way into the bathroom. He quietly took care of his needs, ran his muzzle under a faucet, snorted a few times at his own reflection, and then left the bathroom. Creeping quietly, he made his way upstairs, went through the common room, into the supply room, and, once in the supply room, he gathered up some sheets of paper and a pen.

He returned to the common room and sat down at a table, the pen and the paper in front of him, looking thoughtful. His thoughts drifted to the foal downstairs, laying at Holly’s side.

“I miss my little cookie,” Noctilucent mumbled to himself, rubbing his blue ear with his good wing.

Using his magically prehensile wing feathers, he carefully took the pen into his grasp and applied it to the paper.

Dear Merriweather,

I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Noctilucent. I was there that night. I have been thinking about you. I wanted to know if you were well. I wanted to say I am sorry for the part I played. I never wanted this to happen. I am still eaten alive by guilt.

He crumpled the paper into a small ball and batted it away from him with his hoof, scowling. That wouldn’t do at all. A brief lash of self-loathing fell upon his shoulders, causing his body to tense with physical pain from an emotional manifestation.

Dear Merriweather,

My name is Noctilucent. I don’t know if you remember me. I am the horrible monster that lured you in for drinks, got you drunk, and then ran away so my best friend at the time could rape you and

Noctilucent stared down at his unfinished letter, realising this was going to be harder than he thought. Feeling another lash of self-loathing, and a second lash of self anger, he crumpled up this letter as well, feeling the hot sting of tears in his eyes.

No, not here, not now, I have done enough crying lately he said to himself. He wiped at his eyes with his fetlock, grabbed another sheet of paper, and tried again.

Hello Merriweather,

My name is Noctilucent, and, at one time, I wanted to be your friend. I worked hard to earn your trust. And then I betrayed that trust. I took advantage of that trust, getting you drunk, and then I abandoned you when my friend decided to rape you. I feel awful for leaving and doing nothing. I wish I had done something. I had strong feelings for you but no maturity. I was young, and I was stupid, and I thought getting you drunk was a good idea.

The pen fell to the table with a clatter and Noctilucent felt more tears threatening to fall. He snatched up the paper and began ripping it to pieces. It was in the middle of his tantrum when he felt something warm and slightly damp touch his back.

“GAAAuuuaaaAAAH!” Noctilucent gasped, almost leaping up on the table.

“I’m sorry!” Cactus Blossom apologised. “I can’t see and I bumped into you! I woke up and Holly sent me up here to check on you and I heard the pen scratching over the paper and I followed the sound and I didn’t know you were there and hhmmmffflumf”

The foal was cut off when Noctilucent snatched her up in a fierce hug and squeezed her as hard as he dared. Cactus Blossom struggled and squirmed to get her face free.

“Is that all you got? I’m an earth pony, I can take it!” she challenged.

Noctilucent hugged a little harder, feeling the tears finally break free.

“So what were you doing?” Cactus Blossom whispered, getting a foreleg free and stroking Noctilucent’s face. “You’re crying, that’s not good,” she said, feeling tears.

“I was trying to write a letter to apologise for something horrible that I’ve done,” Noctilucent admitted. “And I can’t seem to find the words.”

“Oh,” said Cactus knowingly. “I screw up a lot. I don’t apologise much or even mean it much when I do, so I don’t know how to help you,” she added, pressing her cheek against Noctilucent’s damp face.

“I want her to know how much it hurts me, knowing what I’ve done, but I don’t want to take away from her pain, by placing my own pain above hers,” Noctilucent explained.

“I don’t really understand,” Cactus Blossom replied. “But that’s okay. Even if I am lost, I can be here for you.” She wrapped her forelegs around the pegasus’ neck and squeezed. “Maybe just tell them how you feel. Spend some time ‘splaining ‘zactly how you feel, let them know that you feel bad, and then ask them how they feel and tell them to write you back because you want to know how they feel…” the foal explained, thinking out loud.

“That seems reasonable,” Noctilucent snuffled. He could feel the slow breathing of the foal clinging to his neck.

“Holly is going to think I did something awful to make you cry,” Cactus muttered in worried tones. “Ponies always seem to be crying when I am around, and usually it is because of how I smell.”

Noctilucent tried to cry and laugh at the same time, which caused him to hork, cough, and chortle. “You’re awful,” he whispered.

“I know,” Cactus confessed. “Now shut up and feel better.”

Author's Note

Let me know if I missed any mistakes. I nailed quite a few. I probably missed some though.

Interesting psychology note. The letter writing Noctilucent is doing is actually a type of bargaining. He is trying to rationalise his own behaviour, as well as actualise and internalise what he has done. The conflict comes from the need for self and the need for self accountability. No matter how he tries to approach it, he is going to have to express his own feelings and still try to address Merriweather's and there will always be a sense of conflict as he tries to balance out the two.

Chapter 12

The night was beautiful and full of stars. The air cooled rapidly, going from sweltering heat to freezing cold, but the sand stayed warm. Fireflies winked as they flitted about. The foals played, running about, shouting, finally getting their excessive energy out from being cooped up inside all day. Even Graves had joined in, playing tag with the others.

Noctilucent pondered his place in life, trying to rationalise and comes to terms with his servitude. His mind struggled to come up with reasons on why he should be angry, and while he could think of a few, he could no longer seem to muster up the anger. Failing to become angry, he angled his head and kissed the foal slung from his neck and tried to think about things he should be thankful for instead.

The letter writing had been a total bust, but he still had tomorrow.

The foal, having had a bottle some time ago, announced her discomfort with foal formula with an impossibly loud belch that filled the air with the stench of rotten eggs, followed by further acts of gastro-intestinal discomfort.

Noctilucent patiently kissed her again, his nose crinkling, and waited for the worst to pass. It seemed like a good philosophy for life. He tried to think of reasons to keep going, to keep living, so he could weigh them against all the reasons he had for dying. It was a lopsided process, as he found that he had trouble thinking about thoughts about actually killing himself. Every time he tried, he found himself thinking about the foal around his neck instead. He had trouble understanding if it was Princess Luna’s magic or if he was perhaps emotionally invested in the foal. He didn’t feel any magical compulsion, and he had always felt it before when it took place.

Holly was sprawled in a reclining lawn chair reading a book by hornlight, trying to finish the last chapter before the library wagon arrived.

“You are like a little shortbread cookie,” Noctilucent said. “Just sweet enough to be a cookie, but not too sweet. I hate sweets,” Noctilucent confessed.

The foal gurgled in reply.

“I think I like you,” Noctilucent whispered. “I can talk to you and you will keep my secrets, won't you?” the midnight blue and white dappled pegasus asked. “And no matter what I tell you, you will not hate me for the awful things I’ve done.”

The foal farted in reply, wiggled a bit in discomfort, and then went still once again, content to watch the world go by.

Noctilucent looked up at the vast cluster of stars in the sky known as “Stallion’s Seed” and sighed. His own pelt was dotted with stars, or so his grandmother had said. He missed her terribly. She kept him leveled off, she had kept him happy, she was the external force he had needed to keep his life in balance. And she was gone.

Noctilucent wasn’t sure that he had an internal force that could keep him happy. The thought frightened him a great deal. Something had to keep him happy. Something had to motivate him to stick around. Something had to motivate him to keep him healthy, in both body and mind.

Holly finished her book and was now watching the foals. It was now cold enough to see everyponies’ breath, and Noctilucent wondered if the foal was warm enough. He pressed his chin against the top of her head and tried to keep her as close to him as possible, stretching out his good wing and wrapping it around her.

It left his side cold, but he could live with that if he had to.

The foals abandoned their game and began to squeal as a figure came around the corner of the orphanage pulling a wagon, pulling directly into the back yard. The foals mobbed the white unicorn, jumping up and down, and shouting “hello.” Even Holly got up from her lawn chair and said hello.

And Noctilucent stayed right where he was, feeling awkward and out of place. He would find a book once the crowd quieted down.

The new unicorn was the whitest white unicorn he had ever seen, with dark green hair in her mane and tail. She practically glowed in the moonlight. A strange lump rose up into his throat while he watched her.

Noctilucent suddenly felt very confused. He remained where he was, keeping his foal warm, saying nothing, and doing everything he could to not draw attention to himself, doing what he had always done, being a perfect background pony.

The white unicorn unhitched herself from the wagon, hugged Holly warmly, and then watched as the foals mobbed the wagon looking for books. Noctilucent could see the white unicorn and Holly talking to one another, but could not hear what was being said. The two seemed quite friendly.

Graves let out an exalted cry of triumph, probably about finding some book that interested him. Cactus was now sitting with the two unicorn mares, staring sightlessly at nothing off in the distance. The other foals remained around the wagon, even Arroyo was looking for something. Picture books were also popular for a reason.

Noctilucent’s decent evening was ruined quite suddenly when both mares stood up and began to walk in his direction. He whimpered faintly, feeling a faint bit of panic. He wasn’t in the mood to meet new ponies right now. It had been a trying day, and he was emotionally unsettled.

Both mares drew closer.

Breaking his wing was the stupidest thing he had ever done, Noctilucent realised that now. He could fly away. Land on a roof. Continue his peaceful quiet vigil. But no, he was ground bound. Pegasi lived to fly, and a pegasus without flight wasn’t much of a pegasus at all.

“Oh bugger,” Noctilucent whined.

“Noctilucent, dear, this is Quercus Alba. She pulls the library wagon and occasionally helps out here. Everypony calls her Quirky,” Holly said, introducing the mare. “Quirky, this is Noctilucent, our new resident caretaker and foal sitter as you can see,” Holly said, finishing her introduction.

“Night Shining,” Quirky said, looking thoughtful. “Pleased to meet you.”

“Old language…” Noctilucent said, or attempted to, if his words hadn’t died halfway through his sentence.

“My name means ‘white oak’ in the old language,” Quirky explained. “Is something wrong?”

Noctilucent didn’t know how to respond. Yes, he replied internally, there is something wrong. What came out however was far less eloquent.

“Bluh,” Noctilucent mumbled.

Holly rolled her eyes and looked away. She was getting too old for this kind of foolishness. The pegasus was clearly a bird brain.

“I beg your pardon?” Quirky asked.

“Blerph,” Noctilucent answered, choking on his own tongue. The white unicorn with the green mane was strangely distracting.

“Excuse me, but did you just say “blerph” to me?” Quirky asked, smiling faintly, a merry twinkle in her eye.

Noctilucent shook his head ‘no’ and gave up on attempting to speak.

“Quirky here is going to help us out by teat-feeding the foal. I have some potions downstairs for this sort of thing. This is her first time. I would, but I am getting old, I am sterile, and the magic doesn’t work well on me. I produce bitter milk,” Holly said, her tone full of old regret and a hint of bitterness. “Once the foals wear themselves out and are put to bed, we’ll go downstairs and see what we can do.”

The flighty blue pegasus, who already had intimacy issues, very nearly shut down at the mention of teat feeding. His mouth went as dry as the desert sand, and, whatever force that drove his consciousness stepped out of its office for a moment for a breather. Noctilucent sat in the sand staring blankly for a moment, unable to do much of anything.

“Are you alright?” Quirky asked, leaning in closer.

No, I am not alright Noctilucent replied silently. What actually came out: “Flurplenumble,” Noctilucent stammered.

“Well, it is good to see the Crown taking such a socially conscious approach towards hiring the simple minded,” Quirky said, suddenly looking very serious.

“I don’t know what has come over him. Usually he’s well spoken,” Holly said. “Did you hit your head or something when your wing was broken? Should I contact Princess Luna?”

“That foal is adorable,” Quirky said, seemingly unconcerned about the now simple minded idiot sitting in the sand. She leaned forward and nuzzled her snoot against the foal’s snoot, and Noctilucent got a whiff of her mane.

He very nearly fell over.

“You are acting really peculiar Noctilucent, you are starting to worry me,” Holly said, looking genuinely concerned. “I think I’ll sit here with you and keep an eye on you for a while while the foals play.”

“And I am going to play with the foals,” Quirky said, turning around and taking off, her mane and tail streaming out behind her in the night breeze as she departed.

“I guess Shady Patch didn’t feel up to walking with her on her rounds tonight,” Holly said to herself. She situated herself beside Noctilucent, who was staring vacantly ahead. Holly gently nuzzled the foal and then sat, looking somewhat concerned for Noctilucent, who didn’t seem well.

When the foals had ran themselves out, they were herded downstairs, tucked into bed, each one of them kissed by Holly. Quirky was in Holly’s room, she had drank the potion a short while ago, and was now waiting for it to kick in so she could feed the foal.

Noctilucent stood in the hallway, the foal still around his neck, occasionally dozing in its sling.

Holly closed the door most of the way and stepped into the hall with Noctilucent. She gestured, using her head, for Noctilucent to follow her into her room. He did, and Holly pulled the foal from the sling.

Quirky was on Holly’s bed, reclining comfortably on her side, looking somewhat bored. “I don’t know about this, my teats are so sensitive and ticklish,” she confessed with a hint of a giggle.

Holly settled the foal on to the bed beside Quirky, positioning her so she could suckle. Noctilucent watched all of this with wide eyed curiousity. And then, his brain broke.

He turned to depart the room in a hurry, his eyes now closed. He slammed into the wall next to the door, missing the door completely. He bounced away and then fell on his plot, his nose now bleeding.

Holly sighed, turned him around, and then pressed a cloth she conjured up to his nose. Noctilucent kept his eyes shut tightly as Holly tried to stop the blood flow.

“You didn’t have to leave, I am not modest about this sort of thing, and you seem nice enough for being a simple minded idiot,” Quirky said to the bleeding pegasus.

Noctilucent opened his eyes and looked at Quirky. He saw the foal suckling. He didn’t know what he was seeing. Deep within his brain, his Id took a piece of chalk, drew a door upon the barn, made it real, and then kicked it wide open, causing Noctilucent’s brain to flood with all manner of feelings and emotions. His Id, feeling pleased with itself, went off into Noctilucent’s subconscious and went looking for a can of paint.

Holly looked at Noctilucent, watching him stare, and something went off in her own brain. “Aw, how sweet, you’re innocent… you’re a virgin aren’t you?” Holly questioned, her voice embarrassingly mother-like as she spoke.

Noctilucent wanted to flee the room again, but Holly had his nose carefully pinched in a cloth and he didn’t want to bleed everywhere.

“Do you think I am a pretty unicorn?” Quirky asked, fluttering her eyelashes at the flustered pegasus.

“Oh don’t tease Quirky, that’s mean, look at how he’s been acting. I told you something wasn’t right,” Holly said, her tone still motherly.

“Do I really fluster you that badly?” Quirky asked.

“Wyeth,” Noctilucent replied around the cloth clamped over his nose.

“So, “yes.” Well, that is good to know,” Quirky replied. “I’m flattered. Usually all I get are lecherous old stallions saying lewd things and giving me much unwanted invites.”

“Thimethorry,” Noctilucnet mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry,” Quirky said as the foal continued to get a good meal. She giggled and squirmed a bit. “Oh gosh that tickles.”

“Aw, you’re so young and sweet,” Holly gushed, now treating Noctilucent like a foal.

Noctilucent silently fumed as Holly wrapped a foreleg around his withers and hugged him.

“I’ll be by early in the morning too,” Quirky said. “By then I should have a lot of milk right? Is there a pump for some extra during the day? I’ll try to stop by tomorrow night as well.”

“You are very kind Quirky. Thank you so much. That poor foal didn’t take well to formula,” Holly said with gratitude. She pulled away the cloth from Noctilucent’s nose and saw the trickle had subsided. She gently wiped away the rest of the blood, folded the cloth, and set it on her desk for the time being.

“Shortbread Cookie,” Noctilucent said, licking his lips nervously.

“What?” Holly asked.

“The foal. Shortbread Cookie,” Noctilucent replied.

“Oh!” Holly gasped. “That’s lovely.”

“That is a good name for an earth pony, I am sure she’d appreciate having a good name,” Quirky agreed. “Say, Noctilucent, when I am done here, there is a diner up the road. Want to get some pie?”

Noctilucent said nothing, but looked at Holly, unsure how to answer.

“He’d love to,” Holly said. “Go on, I’ll be fine here for a while all by myself. I’m a big mare.”

Author's Note

Let me know if I missed anything.

Comments are always much loved and welcomed. Discuss and speculate at will!

Chapter 13

Noctilucent wasn’t quite sure what to expect as he walked away from the orphanage. Part of him worried that an overwhelming magical compulsion would pull him back. But that didn’t seem to be happening. The night was cold, chilly even, but Quirky radiated heat like a furnace, and it was easy to see why. Five wisps of fire on her backside was an impressive cutie mark.

“I probably shouldn’t have teased you about being simple minded earlier, but you made yourself an easy target,” Quirky quipped, sounding almost annoyingly cheerful. “It isn’t too warm for you, is it?” she asked.

“No, I feel fine, Noctilucent said nervously.

“You are able to talk now,” Quirky observed.

“I, uh, have had some troubles in the past with love,” Noctilucent confessed skittishly. He walked slightly behind the mare, just waiting for magical compulsion to kick in and force him back to the orphanage.

“The breeze feels really weird blowing over my teats after nursing,” Quirky blurbed. “So bad luck in love eh? You seem awfully sweet and you are so good with foals. How could somepony not love you?”

Noctilucent certainly didn’t need to hear about where the wind was blowing. He began to sweat and feel itchy all over. Images began to flash in his mind, unpleasant images. Hearts and Hooves Day. Merriweather. The whorse. He whimpered.

“You alright Night Shining?” Quirky asked, stopping and staring at Noctilucent, her horn igniting with a fiery orange glow that completely demolished all the darkness in the immediate area.

He squinted from the bright light. “I’m fine,” the pegasus lied. “My wing hurts, that’s all.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Quirky said.

“How did you know I was lying?” Noctilucent said, panicking.

“I didn’t, but you just told me. Now come on, we’ll talk once we sit down and I won’t hold this against you this time. Ever lie to me again and I’ll set you on fire,” the mare warned.

Noctilucent gulped and followed her to the diner.

“Lemon custard,” Quirky protested, sticking her orange tongue out.

“I like sour things,” Noctilucent said in his own defense.

“You are a silly pony,” Quirky asserted.

Noctilucent said nothing but cast his eyes downward.

“It is okay to be a silly pony,” Quirky stated. “So, what brings you here?”

Noctilucent became very concerned about being set ablaze. Not saying something wasn’t exactly lying. He thought about his words very carefully.

“I needed a change. I made a few bad choices. Princess Luna set me straight, picked me up, dusted me off, told me she loved me, and then brought me here because this is a change,” Noctilucent replied carefully. Everything he had said was categorically true.

Quirky peered at him carefully. “That’s not saying much in detail, but I can understand you wanting privacy. You on the run from something? Did the Crown put you here to keep you safe?” the mare asked. She blew her mane out of her eyes after she spoke and watched Noctilucent carefully.

“Yes,” replied Noctilucent, not going into detail.

“You’re a virgin,” stated Quirky.

“Yes,” Noctilucent replied, embarrassed.

“You are here hiding from something.”

“Yes.”

“You like foals.”

“Yes.”

“You are a bit troubled.”

“Yes.”

“You are blue with white dapples.”

“Yes.”

“And you like sour stuff.”

“Yes.”

“Do you think I’m the prettiest mare you’ve ever seen?”

“Yes.”

“AH HAH! I knew it!” Quirky exclaimed.

“You… you… you tricked me!” Noctilucent stammered, the white spots on his face all turning pink and the blue turning somewhat purple.

“Aw, look at you, you’re pink where you used to be white,” Quirky teased.

Noctilucent made a mental note to have a long talk with Arroyo at some point in the near future. Perhaps they could form a support group.

“You’re kinda sweet,” Quirky said. “Cactus Blossom says you need a filly friend because you are all lonesome and pitiful and you sigh every five minutes.”

Noctilucent stared down at the table, unable to look Quirky in the eye. He was going to have to have a long talk with Cactus Blossom.

“Cactus Blossom is the most honest little earth pony foal you will ever meet. While honesty is commonplace in their kind, it runs strong in Cactus Blossom. She’s a troubled little filly,” Quirky quipped, looking sad momentarily.

“So I have gathered,” Noctilucent said.

“Don’t you hurt them,” Quirky warned. “They get caretakers, usually hard on their luck sorts traveling out of Las Pegasus, and these caretakers stay for a few days, get fed up, and then split without so much as a goodbye.”

“I don’t want to hurt them!” Noctilucent whimpered in fear.

“Good. That sounded honest,” Quirky stated.

The waitress brought pie, ice water, two bottles of pineapple soda, and a plate full of flatbread with guacamole. She left it on the table, smiled, and left the two alone.

Noctilucent immediately tore into the flatbread and guacamole.

“Avocados grow on you round these parts,” Quirky said. “About all they eat here. I didn’t care for them when I first moved into these parts, and now I cannot get enough of them.” She levitated a slice of flatbread and guacamole to her mouth and began to nibble.

“It’s bland,” she said with her mouth full. She hauled over a small jar from the end of the table. “Habanero picante?” she asked Noctilucent as she spooned a fair bit onto her flatbread.

“What is it?” Noctilucent asked after he swallowed.

“Something delicious,” Quirky said with casual dismissal. “Just try a bit.” She spooned a tiny amount onto Noctilucent’s flatbread and smiled a coy smile.

The pegasus took a bite, and then another, and then…

Everything was on fire.

He grabbed a glass of water and guzzled, but that only made it worse.

“Pie,” Quirky said casually, sliding the pegasus his plate.

Noctilucent began to shovel in the lemon custard pie, and finally his mouth began to cool.

Quirky chewed thoughtfully on her habanero picante drenched flatbread with guacamole and watched the frantic pegasus breathing heavily. “You really are adorable when you are panicked,” the mare commented, taking another bite.

“Why?” the pegasus wheezed, taking a sip of water to wash down the pie.

“Because, you needed change. Tell me, did you not experience a change?” Quirky asked.

“I thought I was gonna die,” Noctilucent gasped.

“And now you feel really good about being alive, right?” Quirky replied in wise tones.

The pegasus sat, now completely puzzled. He did feel pretty good about being alive after being set on fire.

“You are the strangest mare I have ever met,” Noctilucent said truthfully.

“Aw, your sweetness never ends,” Quirky said, genuinely touched.

Seized by a moment of unusual bravery, Noctilucent pressed his advantage. “Can we do this again sometime? I don’t get paid for what I am doing, but I am certain Luna will give me a few bits if I asked and I could pay my own way…”

“I ain’t worried about bits,” Quirky said. “But yes, I would love to do this again sometime, even though we ain’t done with this little outing just yet.”

“I can’t understand why a mare as pretty as you would even give me the time of day,” Noctilucent confessed, eating more flatbread and guacamole. He placed a tiny dribble of picante on his food before eating. He took a deep breath and then took a bite.

“Well, you had this foal slung from your neck, and that was fairly interesting. You’re handsome, and well, that foal stunk something awful. Yet you still looked after her. Plus, Cactus Blossom likes you,” Quirky answered.

“Holly made me responsible for that foal. And to be honest, I feel really bad without my little Shortbread Cookie right about now,” Noctilucent admitted and then took another blistering bite. He was sweating now and his white spots were definitely pink. “I like having Shortbread right here where I can kiss her. It makes life bearable.” He tapped his chest with his other forehoof.

“So you really like foals,” Quirky gushed, melting into her seat a little bit.

“I do actually,” Noctilucent said, the habanero picante searing a hole through his tongue. “I had a job where I was reading to foals, little sick foals, terminally ill foals, and I was happy there. I had to stop doing it though. I couldn’t deal with the sadness. It left me hollow inside.”

“You know freckle face, most stallions when they talk about spending time with terminally ill foals, they just want to brag about it or try to get laid,” Quirky said bluntly. Her words made Noctilucent choke on his food and it took him several moments to recover. “Coming from you though, there is something about how you say it. So maybe spending time with the terminally ill ones was a bad idea. Maybe that is what you are meant to do, spend time with foals. But everypony has their breaking point. Maybe that was too much. Maybe the orphanage will be a much better fit for you.” The mare loaded down more picante on her last piece of guacamole smeared flatbread and went to work wrecking her food, eating with gusto.

Noctilucent sat in profound silence, holding his food, not moving, but suffering from what could only be called an epiphany. What Quirky said made sense. Too much sense he said to himself. What if I was meant to be working with foals this entire time, went into one bad situation that scared me away, and then I spent all this time running away from my destiny he asked himself. What sort of damage might that do…

“Freckles?” Quirky asked, now genuinely worried.

“I’m okay, really, better than okay actually, better than I’ve been for a while,” Noctilucent reassured in a whisper.

“You’re a mystery. I like mysteries. Now, I want to spend more time with you,” Quirky quipped.

“What you said, it really impacted me. What if this whole time I was meant to work with foals? But because I bit off more than I could chew, more than I was capable of coping with, it scared me away from my destiny? What happens to a pony when they don’t follow their destiny?” Noctilucent mused.

“You know, I don’t know. I am a pyromantic unicorn and I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life working as a librarian. I won’t deny though I get a special pleasure from using my fire talents. For you, maybe it is different. Maybe your talent is focused to one specific area,” Quirky admitted in reply.

“My mark just showed up one day. No warning. No fanfare. I didn’t even notice when it had happened. Just looked back there and there it was. I don’t even know how long it had been there. It was all very vague and mysterious. A candle in a holder. In this day of electric lights,” Noctilucent muttered. He began to work on his last piece of flatbread and fearfully placed a little dollop of picante on his food.

“Candles are romantic,” Quirky announced. “Very nice to have around when you are making foals and not just looking after them,” Quirky teased.

Noctilucent began to sweat and he didn’t think it was from the nightmarishly hot picante sauce.

“Oh my, you are fun to play with. I just say the right words and look at you…” Quirky said with a coquettish giggle. She took a sip of her pineapple soda and began to work on her pie. She took one bite and puckered, her face shaking back and forth as she shuddered from the sour feeling. She felt an uncomfortable tension in her cheeks. She heard Noctilucent having a good laugh at her expense.

“The lemon custard must be extra lemony,” Noctilucent said, his white spots still very pink. Sweat trickled down from his ears, and somehow, the hot picante sauce made him feel cooler. No explaining how some things worked he mused to himself.

“Don’t get wise,” Quirky warned, “unless you want to find out what it feels like to kiss a flaming unicorn.” She puckered up and shuddered again. “Huuyah! that’s sour.”

“Flaming unicorn?” Noctilucent said, trembling slightly as he did so.

“Some unicorns burst into flames when they get angry. I’m one of them,” Quirky warned.

“Remind me to never make you angry,” Noctilucent said, making a mental note for himself.

“Never lie to me and always tell me I look pretty when I am feeling insecure,” Quirky explained. “And you get to stay in a non-crispified state.”

“You are so very impossibly pretty,” Noctilucent admitted. “Why would you be insecure?”

“I have my reasons. Just like you have yours. I’ll show you mine when you show me yours,” Quirky offered. “When you feel like telling me the whole truth, I’ll tell you more about me. Teat for tat.”

“I want to know all about you,” Noctilucent said, exposing his innermost thoughts and leaving himself vulnerable.

“And I am mighty curious about you,” Quirky said.

In a moment of total honesty, Noctilucent broke down. “Look, maybe this is a bad idea. If you knew certain things about me, you’d hate me. I…”

“Shut up,” Quirky interrupted. “I get to decide what I like and what I don’t like. Ponies make mistakes. Sometimes bad ones. Mistakes you spend the rest of your life regretting. But you don’t get to take away my choice to get to know you better in spite of your faults. Do that, and suffer my feminine wrath. I mean it. Cross me at your own risk. I can set rocks on fire.”

“I…”

“You what?” Quirky asked. “Tried to kill a pony maybe? Said some angry words? Did some stuff you ain’t proud of? Maybe hurt somepony and now, you think you aren’t worthy of being somepony’s friend?”

Noctilucent felt his white pucker puckering up even tighter when he heard Quirky’s words, the part about trying to kill a pony in particular.

“We all have our failings. I have my own. You don’t think I have the same worries that you do, that when you find out certain things about me, that you are just gonna run away and leave me high and dry?” Quirky questioned.

Noctilucent took a bite of pie and felt very afraid. Not of Quirky, but just afraid in general. Of everything perhaps.

“Look, I do stupid things. Really stupid things, please, don’t hold them against me,” Noctilucent said. “I am a pony in need of second chances. I just recently got a second chance, and I don’t want to blow it. I don’t know the rules for relationships and dating and all of this” Noctilucent gestured between the both of them. “I have never had any success at all with fillies and mares. Everything I’ve ever tried has turned to horseapples.”

Quirky’s hard look softened. “See, that’s all I want. Honesty. I had a friend. She was a good friend. She wasn’t honest with me. She told me a little bit of what was wrong, but she didn’t tell me everything that was wrong. She lied to me. She told me that she was going to be okay.”

“What happened?” Noctilucent said.

“She hung herself,” Quirky stated bluntly. “In the backyard. She left a note, as though that made everything better somehow.”

“I’m sorry,” Noctilucent said, now absolutely terrified. The truth was a terrible thing, and something which might cause him to burn at some point. “Someday, when I can trust my self, I promise to tell you more about what happened,” Noctilucent offered.

“That’d be nice,” Quirky replied. “And that sounds honest. I can only be friends with honest ponies. You and I are going to be friends, I can tell. Maybe something a little more someday, like best friends.”

Author's Note

Bleh. I rewrote this several times. The first draft I typed out went right into the dustbin. The second one got reworked. But it was so disjointed from the reworking that I completely scrapped it. After a few more tries, I decided to go for total vulnerability and exposure, rather than cutesy pootsy beating around the bush. The beating around the bush aspect just didn't work for me.

And this is why I wrote At The End of Your Rope. I just could not fit that much backstory into this diner scene without everything going completely tits up. It wrecked everything. I wanted the reader to be aware of why Quirky was the way she was, and why Noctilucent was the way he was, but I didn't want Noctilucent or Quirky actually aware of too much with one another, if that makes sense. You, the reader knows, but they, the characters, remain in the dark.

Anyway, I hope you like it. Let me know if I missed any sopyt and leave a comment if the mood strikes you. Discussion about the chapter is encouraged.

Chapter 14

There was something terribly wrong inside of Noctilucent’s mind. Princess Luna could feel it. She roamed through empty corridors, prowling the hospital of his memories, the place where he had once read to foals in real life, now a reflection in the dream realm.

The doors hung on broken hinges, the lights overhead flickered, broken glass littered the floor, and there was one single blue feather in a small puddle of blood. Something felt so very wrong here.

“Noctilucent?” Luna cried, her voice echoing through the corridors. There was no reply. Luna could not actually locate Noctilucent, which worried her a great deal. Her eyes narrowed as she peered around. She sensed something but it was not Noctilucent.

Something should not be inside of Noctilucent’s mind. This was her domain. Luna began to growl and suddenly felt dangerously maternal.

Maternal Luna was an unpleasant Luna. Nothing harmed her subjects. Nothing.

She prowled through the corridors, the flickering lights casting odd shadows and made everything surreal. She passed through an abandoned nurses station. The glass had been broken and there was a hole in the wall. Luna found another drop of blood.

She walked down the long corridor, peering into patient rooms, looking into closets, checking restrooms. No Noctilucent.

“NOCTILUCENT!” Luna bellowed, her voice echoing through the building.

Luna could feel the fine hairs of her pelt rising all along her back and the back of her neck. She was not immune to fear, and she felt it now. There was something so very wrong here. A cold chill ran down her spine, pins and needles plunged into her dock, and her nethers felt a sudden freezing tingle.

She realised as she walked that something was broken within this dream. When she placed her hoof down upon the tile floor, there was a multi-second delay before there was a sound. The reality of this place, as unlikely as that might seem, was out of synch. There were rules here, and they were being bent.

Luna scowled and bared her teeth.

Something slammed into Luna, blindsiding her, and smashed her through several walls, leaving her dazed and disoriented. Just as she was starting to get her bearings, something hit her again. She flew through a wall and into a bathroom, crashing into a toilet and ripping it free from the wall, causing the room to begin flooding.

She caught a flash of blue and white darting off, and she took off in hot pursuit. It was Noctilucent.

Not wanting to hurt him, she gave chase, Noctilucent cackling madly as he flew down the hall.

“Stop!” Luna commanded, her voice carrying magical authority.

Noctilucent did not stop. Luna felt very confused. But he did turn and charge again. As he turned, Luna saw that Noctilucent did not have his cutie mark.

This was not Noctilucent.

A second later, the figure slammed into Luna, driving her through an observation window and into an empty nursery. She kicked out with her hind hooves and sent the figure crashing into the ceiling, ripping a hole through the ceiling that allowed the room above to be visible.

There were rules here, and Luna could not work at full power. The damage to Noctilucent’s mind could be catastrophic. Luna was not sure what to do.

The figure came charging through the hole in the ceiling, and Luna rose to meet him. The two figures collided mid air and began to grapple.

Luna hurled the figure through the wall, and then went after him. He lay on the floor, stunned, and Luna slammed into him with magical force, bending the rules only slightly. She drove him through the floor, through the next floor, the next floor, and finally, over a dozen floors later, she drove the figure into the concrete foundation the hospital was built on. She rammed him several feet into solid concrete.

And the figure vanished.

Luna stood, battered, bloody, and bleeding from too many places to count. One eye was swelling shut. She could fix all of this, but the rules were rules, and doing so could have major consequences. She rose into the air on tattered wings, trailing a few bloody feathers as she went, and flew back up all the holes she had made using Noctilucent’s doppelganger as a battering ram. She was in a wretched amount of pain. On one leg there was a gash that had gone down to the bone.

Reaching the floor where this had started, she realised she still had no idea where Noctilucent was. He could be anywhere.

She limped down the hallway, unable to place weight on her injured leg. Several ribs were broken. Something felt broken in the tip of her left wing, and it had been agonising to fly on it.

“Noctilucent? Come out, it is gone, whatever it was, do come out!” Luna cried, her voiced ragged with pain. Blood from one torn ear trickled into her one good eye and stung terribly. “Noctilucent, please, show yourself! I am scared! I need to see you!”

Cold terror flooded Luna. She hoped that the spark that made Noctilucent who he was was still here. If it had been extinguished, it would mean that she was prowling the mind of a body that was living but had no life. Luna began to panic and tears began to roll from her eyes.

“NOCTILUCENT!” she cried, her voice echoing down the corridor.

Luna began to weep with relief when she heard faint sobs coming from somewhere up ahead. She hurried her pace, stumbling forward on three legs, clutching her gashed foreleg to her barrel.

And then, she saw him. What Noctilucent truly was within his mind. A foal came running for her, a tiny blue and white dappled pegasus foal with wide violet eyes. He was battered and bloody, and had his cutie mark. The foal was bawling with fear and pain, a foal looking for its mother.

“Come to me, it is over, I destroyed whatever it was,” Luna said.

Noctilucent’s eyes went wide with fear, and, a second later Luna felt a terrible pain rip through her body. She looked down and saw a steel support strut protruding from her chest. It had penetrated through her backside, rammed through her body, and had exited from her chest.

Luna staggered, unable to do much to fight back. As she turned, something kicked her in the head, sending her head into a concrete support pillar. She stumbled and fell, unable to bring her full might into play, even now, more worried about Noctilucent than she was about herself.

Noctilucent’s doppelganger kicked the support pillar, and it was ripped free. It fell on Luna, crushing her, and she could feel her own entrails being forcibly ejected from her backside. She lay, crushed under the pillar and unable to move.

Reality had to hold, and Luna had to obey the rules, even when the rules were agonising. Luna lay on the verge of what felt like death. Only she couldn’t die. All she could do was lay there, pinned, unable to do anything but gurgle and cough up blood.

She watched in horror as Noctilucent was pinned to the ground by his own doppelganger.

“Stupid bitch, you did just as I hoped you would. You lured him out for me. I cannot thank you enough.” the doppelganger growled.

“No,” Luna gasped, hearing wind whistling from the gaping hole in her chest where the steel support strut protruded. She struggled, but was unable to do anything.

“I wonder what happens when you rape your own inner foal,” the doppelganger asked, his words philosophical and grim.

“You cannot do that!” Luna burbled in a wet voice, still struggling.

“Let’s find out!” the doppelganger cried. He kicked the foal beneath him, slamming it into the wall. Noctilucent tried to rise to his hooves, crying, in pain but unable to fight back.

Luna could see the doppelganger’s visible arousal. She could not bear to watch what was about to happen next.

“No,” Noctilucent begged, blood spattering from his lips as he spoke, his teeth pink.

The doppelganger slammed one hoof down upon an exposed wing and there was the sickening crunch of bones being turned to powder. Noctilucent screamed, a horrible sound that only a foal can make, a terrible sound that would haunt Luna for the rest of her impossibly long life.

The doppelganger lifted his hoof and brought it down on Noctilucent’s other wing, and Luna winced when she heard that scream for a second time.

Standing over the colt foal, the doppelganger planted one hoof down on Noctilucent’s skull, driving his head to the ground. Using a hind leg, he kicked Noctilucent’s backside several times until Noctilucent stood with it in the air, his head still pinned to the blood splattered tile floor.

Luna realised that penetration was moments away. Either way, the damage to Noctilucent’s mind might be irreparable. No matter what happened next, she might lose Noctilucent forever.

Luna broke the rules.

Luna exploded from her pinned position, her body reforming as she sprang back to full health, the steel support rod falling through her temporarily insubstantial form.

Using her most powerful magic, she banished Noctilucent from his own mind, casting him into the strongest mind she could tap into nearby.

Cactus Blossom, the ever resilient earth pony.

Luna began to draw more of her essence from dreamers, bring more of herself into existence, glaring balefully at the doppelganger.

“I am going to make you regret harming one of my foals,” she hissed.

The doppelganger looked quite confused. One second, it had been on the verge of triumph, becoming the dominant personality, and now, it had an angry Goddess rapidly drawing together her full strength. The rules had been broken. It was now trapped inside of an empty mind with no consequences for breaking the rules and violating reality.

The two figures lunged together, the battle for Noctilucent’s body now beginning.

“Noctilucent?” Cactus Blossom asked, very surprised by the foal suddenly in her dreams. Somehow, on some level, without knowing how she knew, she understood that this was Noctilucent, and he was inside of her dream.

The foal was looking at his wings, flapping them, checking them over. He looked terrified.

“Noctilucent?” Cactus Blossom said again.

The foal, seeing Cactus Blossom, let out a wailing cry and ran for her. She took him into a strong embrace, holding him close, resting back upon her haunches as the foal sobbed and shrieked.

“What happened?” Cactus Blossom asked, trying to sooth her friend. “I’m scared, please talk to me!” Cactus Blossom realised the adult she was hoping for was simply not there. Noctilucent was a foal, and just as scared as she was.

The two foals held one another, and Cactus Blossom began to cry, her ice cream sundae melting away on the table behind her. It had sliced dill pickles in it, which was odd, but this was a dream.

Cactus Blossom redoubled her efforts, placing both forelegs around the pegasus foal and squeezing him close, both of them now soaked with each other’s tears. The two foals huddled together, taking comfort in each other's embrace.

After several moments, Luna materialised into view, looking quite afraid. She stood over the two foals, trembling, clearly worried.

“Noctilucent, I know this is very difficult, but I need to hear you talk. I need to hear words. I need to know that your sense of self is intact,” Luna said, her tone pleading and full of worry.

“Come on Noctilucent, please, say something,” Cactus Blossom begged.

“My... wings... still... hurt...” Noctilucent sobbed, his voice halting.

Luna heaved a sigh of relief.

“What happened?” Cactus Blossom asked.

“I had to get Noctilucent to safety Cactus Blossom. I am sorry for intruding on you and I hope you will forgive me,” Luna replied.

“I forgive you, but I want to know what happened!” Cactus Blossom asked.

“I do not know what happened exactly,” Luna answered. “But his body is now safe for him to return. I need to take him back, time is short.”

“No,” Noctilucent gibbered.

“I assure you, it is safe. Time is of the essence though. We must go,” Luna said. She smiled down at Cactus Blossom. “Thank you again little one. I shall have to reward you,” Luna promised.

Luna vanished, taking Noctilucent with her.

Author's Note

And now, we delve into the horror aspect.

Pleasant dreams...

Chapter 16

“We have a unique opportunity here and there is so much to learn about,” Dr. Lethe said, drinking another cup of her so called ‘coffee.’

The foals were getting baths. The colts were in the common room, behaving themselves and being good colts. There was no point in upsetting Princess Luna, Dr. Lethe, and Holly. Noctilucent was at the kitchen table with Dr. Lethe and Princess Luna, looking stupefied and afraid.

“If it is a fragment of your mind, we have to find a way of subduing it and then putting it back,” Princess Luna said thoughtfully.

Noctilucent, upon hearing those words, lost all semblance to adulthood and began to howl in fright, which made Graves come running to the kitchen doorway, soon followed by the others.

“Give us a moment,” Dr. Lethe said kindly to the foals. “Noctilucent, be calm,” she soothed, reaching out with one bat-like wing and stroking her bird-winged species cousin.

Quirky pulled the foals away from the door and the trio were once again alone, Noctilucent still quite unsettled.

“I don’t want it back,” he gibbered. “No no no no no…”

“But it is a part of you,” Princess Luna protested while casting a sound proof barrier into existence around them in the kitchen.

“I don’t care, it isn’t a part of me I want, keep it away, I remember what it did, that is about all I can remember,” Noctilucent pleaded.

“But we cannot go tearing away random parts of your mind and tossing them away,” Princess Luna said, shaking her head.

“I DON’T WANT IT!” Noctilucent shouted. “I don’t want to live with that sort of darkness inside of me. Please don’t force me. I want to be happy.”

“Be calm,” Dr. Lethe crooned. “I agree with Princess Luna, but I also see your point Noctilucent. Do you believe this… thing might be what drove you to self harm?” the lunar pegasus questioned.

There was a nod from the solar pegasus.

The alicorn squirmed in agitation. “I went poking around in your mind looking for answers last night. I found trace memories of what happened. You started off as an adult. Your doppelganger began as a foal. And it kept creeping up on you and assaulting you. With each assault, it grew in power and size, and you diminished, becoming smaller and weaker. When I happened upon the dream, it was the adult and you were the foal,” Princess Luna explained.

“I find that very disturbing... Noctilucent, do you remember any of this?” Dr. Lethe asked, looking very concerned.

“No,” replied Noctilucent, “I remember nothing. I just remember what almost happened.” He shivered, trembling slightly, and took a brave shuddering slurp of the foul brown goo that Dr. Lethe passed off as coffee. It was strangely oily and slightly gritty.

“Well, if we cannot destroy it, and we cannot place it back inside of Noctilucent’s mind, what do we do with it?” Princess Luna asked.

“That’s a very good question,” Dr. Lethe replied. “We’ve never encountered anything like this before. I now have some concerns if there will be other doppelgangers that break off.”

“Are they part of a whole sound mind or are they like pus, drained from a cyst?” Princess Luna questioned, thinking out loud. “How do we treat them and what do we do with them? What is the moral and ethical thing to do?”

“We deal with them by early detection before they become powerful, cut them away, and then, I don’t know. How do you kill a psychological projection or manifestation of a psychological concept?” Dr. Lethe said, finishing off her words with a question.

“The breakdown in reality happens early on. I am creating wards to set off an alarm when that happens in the dream realm. I noticed my hoof step sounds were out of synch to my movements. When dream reality begins to warp, the alarms should go off, and we will be ready,” Princess Luna said, eyeing her own coffee cup warily.

“Noctilucent, you might feel weak, or believe that you are weak, and that you succumbed to suicidal urges because of weakness… but you are wrong. To be completely ripped free from the confines of one’s own mind and body, and to be tossed into another mind like that, very few beings have the mental fortitude to hold together their psyche, their spark, under that kind of strain. Most would scatter like dust to the wind. While Cactus Blossom comforted you, you held on to her and allowed yourself to be comforted,” Dr. Lethe explained.

“I was in an impossible situation, I did not know what else to do,” Princess Luna confessed. “I saw what was about to happen and I knew that something had to be done, even if it was the wrong thing to do. I could not risk losing you.”

“You did the right thing Luna,” Dr. Lethe reassured. “You trusted in Noctilucent’s strength.”

“Perhaps I did,” Princess Luna admitted. “I trusted in Cactus Blossom’s strength as well, and I am glad I did.”

“I will do anything you want, just don’t try to put that whatever it was back inside of my mind,” Noctilucent begged.

“Still bargaining I see,” Dr. Lethe cheerfully chirped.

The orphans were unusually subdued as Holly taught their daily lessons. They were quiet, they were attentive, and they occasionally shot worried glances at Noctilucent, who was reclining on a pile of cushions in the corner, Shortbread Cookie sprawled out beside him.

Lethe had departed, off to secure lodgings in town. She was determined to stay and make what might be the second most important case study in her career, the first being Princess Luna after her return.

Quirky had gone off to look after her own affairs, but only after she had planted a kiss on Shortbread Cookie and made sure that Noctilucent was alright.

Noctilucent sat in the corner upon a pile of cushions, feeling his body vibrate. He felt surprisingly good, awake, and aware. He pressed his nose into Shortbread Cookie and blew a raspberry, causing the foal to squeal and giggle which made him feel much better. The foal was a source of comfort and security for him, a little piece of sanity in what was becoming a trying situation.

Shortbread Cookie, what few thoughts she had, focused mostly on her new caretaker, taking comfort in his constant affections and wanting his touch. She squirmed and crawled over the cushion, trying to get closer to the pegasus, needing to be close. She crawled between his forelegs and collapsed against his chest, the place where she usually was suspended from. It was her safe place, and she took shelter pressing up against it.

After the events of the night before, the orphanage was at peace.

The famous Equestrian psychologist known as Dr. Lethe remained troubled. She was afraid of things she did not know, and this was certainly the unknown. Something new. One final case study, one final great achievement in her life. When Luna had returned, Lethe had been the one who had put her back together, one piece at a time, and Luna had been broken almost beyond repair. Separation sickness, caused from having been away from any sort of herd of ponies for a thousand years, guilt, trauma, fear, too many problems to list.

And Luna, being strong, had rebounded under Dr. Lethe’s care. The Elements of Harmony had restored her nature, but not her mind. It took a great deal of effort to repair over a thousand years of damage. But Luna had recovered, and, as she recovered, she wanted to make compensation for all of the harm she had done.

It had been Dr. Lethe’s own recommendations that had influenced the new suicide prevention program, her own work that had inspired Luna to make a sweeping change in how mental illness and suicides were handled.

Even with the unexpected issue, Dr. Lethe was confident that the new program held promise and would change the lives of so many. With new treatments came new problems, and Noctilucent was the first, although there were now others in the program as well. Already, Luna was taking steps to prevent any harm coming to the others under her care.

The militant preservation of life, a new stance to make up for all the lives she had taken away. Princess Luna’s recovery was now a full turnaround. Luna had once used her power to destroy the lives of so many, and now, she was exploring new ways to use her power to preserve life and heal minds, such as the foal known as Arroyo.

The sun beat down mercilessly upon the nocturnal creature as she surveyed her new home. It was small on the outside, although that meant little as most of it was probably underground. She was going to have a roommate, but she didn’t mind. She was also going to have to foalsit, but she didn’t mind. Lethe loved foals and foal psychology was one of her many doctorates.

She turned and walked up the pathway of the home of one Quercus Alba and Shady Patch, having accepted Quirky’s invitation to stay with them after having no luck finding anything else.

To Merriweather,

I think I finally understand what I have done to do you, and for this, I am honestly filled with regret. You liked me, maybe loved me, you trusted me, and I placed you into a position where I could take advantage of your trust.

My eyes have been opened recently, in several ways actually. I have been placed in a position where I have no other choice but to trust somepony for my well being, something that frightens me a great deal. If somepony was to betray me, as I once did to you, I think it would destroy me.

Noctilucent crumpled up the paper and pushed it aside. Merriweather had been raped he thought to himself. I was only almost raped, and it isn’t fair to her to compare the two he added internally.

Noctilucent found he had some very different perspectives now.

Shortbread Cookie was being fed a bottle by Holly and Noctilucent had some time to kill. His emotions were raw and he struggled to stave off his depression. Princess Luna was still nearby, spending time with the foals before their afternoon nap. He watched her closely. Real enough she had said. There was no way she could have arrived here by chariot, and Noctilucent knew that she could not actually be spending the whole day here in an orphanage. She was a Princess. She had things she had to be doing.

What he was looking at had to be a projection of some sort. Something not real, but real enough. Part of him still wanted to be angry with her, to use this as an excuse to be angry, that it was only a projection she had sent, and not her real self, but a more rational part of his mind silenced that anger and was appreciative of the fact that she clearly loved him and the foals enough to devote this much energy and effort towards watching over them all directly, splitting herself between locations. Surely that took effort and was no easy task.

He took up his pen and began again.

Dear Noctilucent,

I wish I could find a way of letting you know how badly I feel for abusing your trust. You were my friend, you might have even loved me, we were close enough to be intimately involved, and I preyed upon this closeness. I took away your right to choose, and left you in a situation where the choices were made for you.

Noctilucent stared, realising he had written his own name. He swallowed a few times, trying to comprehend what he had written, and the parallels between himself and Merriweather. He felt a cold sweat all over his body and his frogs began to itch.

He felt sick.

The room began to spin around him, he felt light headed and faint. He wondered briefly if this was nerves or Dr. Lethe’s coffee trying to kill him. Just as he thought he was about to fall over, he felt something brush up against him.

“I felt something wasn’t right,” Cactus Blossom said, her voice unsteady and unsure. “I don’t know how I knew it, but you aren’t well.”

Noctilucent steadied at Cactus Blossom’s touch. He pulled her close, hugging her, taking comfort as she wrapped her forelegs around his neck and squeezed back.

“Interesting. She has a ‘Cactus Sense’ and knows when something is wrong,” Princess Luna observed, watching the foal squeeze Noctilucent from his stupor. “I can feel the subtle magic happening. I know of another earth pony with subtle magic, and she too has a powerful sense.”

The other foals stared at Cactus, aware that the events of last night were going to be the source of many changes.

Author's Note

Cactus Sense.

An innate knowledge when a pony is suffering and needs comforting. Seems conflicting, needing to hug a Cactus.

Noctilucent begins to understand Luna's nature. She is quite literally capable of being omnipresent.

Chapter 17

There had been a change in routine. Noctilucent didn’t like changes in routine. He was just beginning to fall into the daily rhythm of life here at the Mustang Springs orphanage.

Breaking his own wing and throwing himself from a cliff had also been a change in routine, and it had not gone well for Noctilucent. As the sun began to set, the residents of the orphanage prepared to head for one of the hot springs, which had been reserved for them this evening.

The foals were excited.

There was quite a crowd. The orphans, who were now pacing impatiently and wanting to go, Holly, Princess Luna, Lethe, a zebra foal named Shady Patch, and Quirky, who had finished her rounds early, braving the sun.

Noctilucent stood apart from the others, Shortbread Cookie around his neck. She fussed and fidgeted, seeing Quirky but unable to reach her. The foal had been fed not long ago. What Shortbread wanted was Quirky herself. She squealed and kicked in frustration, blowing spit bubbles in protest of her captivity.

A troubling new thought occurred to Noctilucent as they prepared to go. “Hey, what happens if somepony rings the bell while we are gone?” he asked, feeling very disturbed.

“No matter where Holly is, she can hear it,” Princess Luna replied. “You are proving to be a very attentive caretaker, Noctilucent.”

“I want the foals safe,” Noctilucent replied, looking away.

“You are beginning to show a lot of promise,” Princess Luna said in a low voice, concern evident on her features, which Noctilucent did not see, as he was busy staring downward at his own hooves.

“Pegasi are such funny creatures. The need for protection is so deeply ingrained into their psychology. Makes for fascinating dichotomies in their personalities,” Lethe observed. “Like doing too little to look after themselves while they live to look after others.”

Noctilucent scowled and did not reply. Lethe was both an irritant and a balm. He didn’t know what to make of her, not yet.

“Sometimes even pegasi need looking after,” Cactus said, stating her own observation, moving toward Noctilucent, who felt troubled right now.

Holly began to head up the front stairs and the foals fell in line, except for Cactus Blossom and Candy Corn, who lingered near Noctilucent now. It seemed he was stuck with both of them.

They formed a long line, Holly in the front, Quirky close by with Shady Patch at her side, Noctilucent bringing up the rear, with Princess Luna and Lethe in the middle. Graves followed along just behind Holly, Arroyo just behind him, with Sassafras following Arroyo. Biscuit walked with Luna and Lethe, trying to stand in their shadows. Lethe spread her wings and formed a moving patch of shade for Biscuit.

It was still hot, but not unbearably so. The heat actually felt good, soaking into Noctilucent’s broken wing, easing the throbbing feeling, making some of the ache go away. As he walked, he saw other ponies were out, walking in the late evening sun. Some waved. Others ignored the orphan parade. Some watched in interest.

“Hey Noctilucent, you ever kissed somepony before?” Cactus asked, nearly causing Noctilucent to stumble and fall.

“I kiss Shortbread all the time,” Noctilucent replied.

“No… no… not like that,” Cactus explained. “I mean kissy kissy kissing, special somepony kissing,” she added, going into detail. “Let’s make foals kissing!”

“Uh… oh look, the sun is starting to set, how pretty,” Noctilucent said, looking at the sunset behind him.

“Ugh, you’re hopeless,” Cactus Blossom said. “You’ve never kissed a pony.”

Candy Corn began to giggle and nosed Cactus Blossom, correcting her path and keeping her going straight.

“I kissed Arroyo once. He was sad and kept saying that he was a loser. So I smooched him,” Cactus explained, her face radiating a beaming smile. “I had to make him feel better. Plus I made myself feel better. Arroyo is sweet, even if he is a little clueless sometimes.”

“I want to get my first kiss with Graves,” Candy Corn whispered. “He’s handsome. I don’t care that he’s a donkey.”

Noctilucent was not at all comfortable with this conversation. He had been about their ages when he had felt his first rejection. Poor Graves he thought to himself.

“You should try kissing Quirky,” Cactus Blossom suggested.

“What?” Noctilucent asked in alarm.

“She might let you kiss her,” Candy Corn said.

“Or she might set me on fire,” Noctilucent said in a low panicked whisper, hoping that Quirky wasn’t hearing this.

“The fires of love,” Cactus giggled.

“Both of you are horrible!” Noctilucent whispered in shock.

“Surely Luna warned you about me,” Cactus said.

“Yes, actually,” Noctilucent replied.

“I could call Quirky right now and ask her for you,” Cactus offered.

“Don’t you dare!” Noctilucent gasped in panic.

“Quirky deserves to be happy too…” Candy insisted.

“Are you two tormenting Noctilucent?” Lethe asked, turning around, her sharp ears hearing every word spoken so far.

“Yeah,” Cactus Blossom confessed.

“Good,” Lethe replied, turning back around.

Noctilucent’s mouth fell open and he stared at Lethe agape.

“Close your mouth dear, you look like a simpleton,” Princess Luna said, not once looking backwards.

Muttering to himself, Noctilucent closed his mouth.

“You should totally kiss Quirky,” Cactus continued. “I don’t see what the big deal is. You are both about the same age I think.”

“Uh, there is more to it than that,” Noctilucent replied sullenly.

“Like what?” Cactus asked.

“I don’t know, don’t ask me,” Noctilucent replied.

“It really is that simple,” Candy Corn said.

“Says you, you keep talking about kissing Graves but you are too shy to do anything. You’re no better than Noctilucent,” Cactus chided.

Candy Corn’s face contorted into a pout. “I can do it any time I wanted to,” she muttered.

“Doubtful,” Cactus said.

“Ooh… sometimes you’re mean,” Candy accused.

“And how could you tell Quirky that I need a filly friend,” Noctilucent scolded. “That was so embarrassing.”

“Well, you do need a filly friend,” Cactus replied. “And Quirky just happens to be around.”

“But you shouldn’t say that!” Noctilucent retorted. “And it shouldn’t be just because she is around.”

“Why not?” Cactus asked.

“Because, that is just the way it is,” Noctilucent insisted.

“So standard adult answer when the adult doesn’t know squat,” Cactus groaned despondently. “I kissed Arroyo and everything turned out fine.”

“Arroyo is afraid of you,” Noctilucent said, revealing the truth.

“Oh… good,” Cactus chuckled. “See, everything is fine.”

Candy Corn giggled and walked beside Cactus Blossom.

“Look, I can’t just walk up and kiss Quirky. There are rules for adults. It wouldn’t be right. It would be… it would be harassment,” Noctilucent explained.

Lethe tittered up ahead, and Princess Luna chortled.

“Oh horseapples, everypony is laughing at me,” Noctilucent said in disgust.

“Potty mouth!” Candy Corn cried, blushing a hot shade of pink.

Noctilucent continued his walk in silence, his face and ears feeling hot, and not from the setting sun. Shortbread Cookie seemed to be enjoying the breeze blowing over her as he walked, leaning her head forward and closing her eyes.

“I think I like you just the way you are. Stay little and precious forever,” he whispered to Shortbread.

“She is going to grow up and be a very honest earth pony,” Cactus quipped, butting in to Noctilucent’s conversation. “She might tell you off as well.”

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Noctilucent retorted.

“Besides, if you want to keep her, she is going to need a mama pony,” Cactus teased.

“Who said I wanted to keep her?” Noctilucent snapped.

“Look, I am blind, not stupid,” Cactus Blossom explained. “I hear everything you say to that foal. Plus, you talk in your sleep and I hear that too.”

Noctilucent scowled and felt more than a little worried about the revelation that he talked in his sleep. That was worrying in the extreme. And Cactus Blossom could apparently hear him.

Cactus Blossom slowed and fell in step with Noctilucent. “Aww, don’t be upset, I was just teasing a bit, I didn’t want to actually hurt your feelings,” she said, her tone genuine. “I can feel your worry right now… I only wanted to be playful and get you wound up.”

“Well, you succeeded,” Noctilucent said sourly.

“You should keep Shortbread Cookie. She is going to be very close to you. It is going to be awful for her if she is ever taken away from you. And I can’t even imagine how much it would hurt you, and you’ve been hurt enough,” Cactus said.

Ahead, Princess Luna halted suddenly, causing Candy Corn to bump into her hind leg. Lethe, seeing Luna halt, also stopped, and cast a worried glance toward her friend.

Princess Luna moved towards Noctilucent’s side, a peculiar look upon her face, a mix of worry, fear, apprehension, and hope.

“Noctilucent,” Princess Luna said softly, her tone gentle beyond measure.

“Look, just shut up, I understand what is bound to happen one day,” Noctilucent said bitterly. “This is a task, and nothing more. I’m attached, but I was also attached to the foals I read to. I’ll let go if I have to. Will be hard on her though.”

“Noctilucent, please, hear me out,” Princess Luna said, her voice pleading.

Noctilucent did not feel any magical compulsion, but he did want to hear Princess Luna out. “I am listening,” he replied in harsh whisper.

Cactus Blossom, still walking near his front right leg, was oddly quiet.

“I have already begun preparations to ensure that Shortbread Cookie will not be taken from you. Here is your bargain, should you want to haggle. Get better. Find out what it takes to free yourself. Do what is best for both of you,” Princess Luna offered in a voice that only Noctilucent could hear. Other ears heard other words. Cactus Blossom only heard Princess Luna offering Noctilucent a chance to adopt.

Noctilucent stumbled in shock, and found himself caught up in Princess Luna’s magic. She gently placed him back down on his hooves.

“I will never take away what you love,” Princess Luna promised. “I want you better, not worse. I will never place you under conditions that you are not prepared to handle, because I love you and want what is best for you.”

“Thank you,” Noctilucent sniffled, a few tears now falling.

“I have already spoken to Holly briefly, and I will speak to her a little more now that we have spoken,” Princess Luna stated.

“So I can keep her?” Noctilucent asked.

“Find your flames again and I will sign the papers myself,” Princess Luna offered, wiping away a tear with a wingtip.

“Can you keep Candy Corn and I together?” Cactus asked, her tone pleading, the foal in an emotional state.

“I have already made provisions for that,” Princess Luna replied.

“You have?” Cactus huffed, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her.

“You did that for us?” Candy Corn asked.

“Yes, now shush, there is too much crying,” Princess Luna soothed.

I will never take away what you love. The words repeated in Noctilucent’s mind. He glanced at Luna, trying to figure out the enigmatic Moon Princess. She was clearly up to something. A deep part of him felt a stirring of resentment, Shortbread Cookie was just another means of manipulation. Another bit of leverage. A part of him hated her because it was just so effective and he had no means to resist or protest without causing serious pain to himself.

“Anything I love, you will not take away from me?” Noctilucent asked.

“No, my confused little Night Shining, I want to heal your heart, not break it,” Princess Luna replied.

A tiny flicker of hope ignited in Noctilucent’s mind. He did not understand the significance of it yet, but it was there, a faint fragile spark that had vanished so long ago.

“Cactus Blossom, I apologise if I snapped at you for what you said earlier,” Noctilucent said, stroking the filly with his good wing. “I do hope you will forgive me,” he added.

“I was kinda being a pain in the plot,” Cactus Blossom confessed. “And I guess you know why,” she admitted.

Noctilucent did know why and resolved to do something about it.

Author's Note

More Quirky is coming in the next chapter.

Next chapter, the hot springs of healing.

Let me know if I missed any glaring pytos.

Chapter 18 Author's Note

Required reading before you go any further!

Well, I know this will make some of you really happy, more character introductions incoming! Yay!

This whole chapter is full of fun.

As always, discuss everything below, have fun, and be good to one another.

Chapter 18

The air was filled with the blood-like twang of copper and the rotten egg stench of sulphur. It clung to the nose, violated the sinuses, and left a foul flavour on the tongue.

“You get used to it,” Holly said helpfully, easing into a spring.

There were two pools. One shallow one carved into a basin of rock that was fed with a steady trickle of water, and one deep one that most of the adults were climbing into.

Shortbread Cookie was snoozing on a folded blanket, a flood of drool soaking a dark spot into the fabric.

Around them was a low stone wall for privacy and some thickets. There were other springs nearby. Gas lamps burned at the gated entrance for this particular set of pools. Fireflies lazily flew through the air.

“I think I’ll go with the foals,” Noctilucent said, realising the deep pool was full of mares. One middle aged mare, one rather old mare, one very old mare, and Quirky.

“Oh no, you are not getting away that easily,” Princess Luna said, lifting Noctilucent in a blue glow. She dropped him into the hot water gently.

The water was hot. And soothing. So very soothing. It was deep enough that only his head poked out, and the warm mineral rich water began to soak into his injured wing. Noctilucent, not realising that he was doing so, closed his eyes and let out a long low moan. Realising what he had just done a moment later, his eyes flew open wide and he wanted nothing more than to die from embarrassment right there on the spot.

“You’re so adorable. The way you endured Cactus Blossom harassing you about kissing me was just so sweet,” Quirky said, casting a glance at Cactus Blossom, who was sitting in the shallow pool looking very satisfied with herself.

“You heard that huh?” Noctilucent groaned.

“Yeah, we heard it,” Holly replied. “Had a good quiet laugh about it too.”

Noctilucent whimpered.

“You are very sweet and patient with foals,” Holly praised. “I am very glad to have your help. Thank you.”

“You should thank Princess Luna,” Noctilucent suggested.

“I do, every day,” Holly replied.

“You seem under some distress,” Lethe observed.

“Yes he does,” Quirky teased.

“Look at him, his white spots turn pink,” Princess Luna observed.

“They sure do,” Quirky confirmed.

“He’s so innocent,” Holly commented.

“Observing an introvert in a trying social situation is so fascinating,” Lethe quipped. “Oh look, observe his ear movements, I do believe his sympathetic nervous system is having a reaction right now, triggering his fight or flight instincts. He cannot fly away and I sincerely doubt he has any desire to do us any harm. I do believe he is stuck suffering sensory overload in a very awkward situation with us. How interesting.”

“Yes, it is,” Princess Luna agreed, nodding.

“So, about that kiss that Cactus Blossom harangued you about,” Quirky quipped. “You don’t want to kiss a pretty mare?”

Noctilucent lowered his head in the water until only his nostrils, eyes, and ears were visible.

“She is pretty,” Princess Luna agreed.

“And young,” Holly observed.

“And she has a fantastic pair of teats! Wonderful accessories for foal rearing,” Lethe added, causing Quirky to turn maroon.

“So about that kiss,” Quirky insisted.

“No!” Noctilucent cried, raising his snoot about the water to protest and then submerging again.

“Aw,” Quirky groaned in disappointment.

The mares all chuckled and the foals stopped what they were doing and watched, wondering what was so funny, except for Cactus Blossom, she had heard everything.

“So relaxing,” Lethe murmured. She leaned over a bit and a stream of bubbles slowly rose up to the surface and popped.

“Lethe!” Quirky chided.

“Meh, I am old,” Lethe said, offering no apology. “And lactose intolerant. Real shame I love cheese as much as I do.”

“Well, it certainly cannot smell any wor- whoah! I take that back, it certainly can smell worse,” Princess Luna said, glaring at Lethe. “Congratulations Lethe, you made a sulphur spring smell even worse.”

“Still not as bad as Cactus Blossom,” Holly said, clearly not impressed. “I always figured she’d get a cutie mark for farting.”

“Settling down Noctilucent?” Lethe asked.

The still flustered pegasi nodded slightly, his white ear still pink.

The stars began to twinkle overhead, the sky taking on the deep royal purple of night as the final glow of sunlight faded over the horizon. Already, the air had begun to cool slightly, and it would be chilly on the walk home.

“You know, I’ve never actually been kissed,” Quirky confessed. “Well, once or twice on the cheek, but you know what I mean.”

“I was married for a very long time. And then, my husband died,” Lethe said. “I was glad to see him go. He had terrible rheumatoid. He suffered badly in the end. He was the first pony I kissed, all the way back in primary school. I was still in my single digit age range.”

“Wow,” Holly said. “Must have been some kiss.”

“He sneezed as he kissed me, covering me in snot,” Lethe said, looking just a little melancholy as she spoke. “He spent the rest of the day being my slave trying to make up for it.”

“That is so romantic,” Quirky quipped, swooning as she spoke.

“I’ve had a few good kisses,” Holly said. “But my job and the fact that I am sterile sends most stallions fleeing.” She puffed out her cheeks and sighed.

There was a squeal from the pool with the foals playing in it. Sassafrass it seemed, was splashing Biscuit. The adults watched, waiting to see if intervention was necessary. Biscuit it seemed, had changed a bit, was giving back as good as he got. Sassafras retreated and behaved herself.

“Poor Sassy, she doesn’t have lips. She’ll never know what it is like to be kissed,” Holly said in a sad motherly voice.

“I wonder if that is why the griffons as a whole race tend to be so warlike,” Noctilucent said, raising his head above the waterline. “I mean, the males, barbed penises... and no lips. Not much chance for affection for them. Really sad to think about. No wonder they're in such bad moods. I know what not being laid has done to me,” he added, feeling emboldened just enough to be honest.

“Pent up sexuality channeled into aggression… Noctilucent, you have good insight. You should do something with it,” Lethe said, her tone warm and sincere.

“Uh, thanks,” Noctilucent said, feeling peculiar. His brain began to fill with thoughts. He looked at Quirky for a moment and felt an odd feeling. I should do something with my insight he thought to himself. But what?

What can I do with my self? My insight? And how do I do something to help Cactus Blossom? And what of the others? They’re all so hurt. I can’t do anything to help myself right now, because I don’t know what to do… Noctilucent’s internal dialogue distracted him. All around him, he heard ponies talking. Laughing.

I am in a good spot to make changes he realised within his mind. All of my needs are being taken care of. I have nothing pressing to worry about like rent or paying bills. I need only to focus on self improvement and I’ve always done that through helping others before everything went wrong he thought to himself. But I don’t know how to help them.

Noctilucent was lost within his own mind now, staring off vacantly, listening to his own internal voices, something that had once been frequent, but then the voices had gone silent, and he had lost direction in his life. His ears heard more laughing. Squealing giggling foals. Feminine voices talking. His brain registered very little of it.

This isn’t like comforting a sick and dying foal, these foals needed to be fixed somehow, made whole he thought to himself, flogging his now focused intellect for results. So first off, I need to figure out ho-“HmmmmmMMMmmph!”

Noctilucent could still taste Quirky on his lips. He stared blankly at her.

“You looked distracted and I took my chance,” Quirky explained. “You’re handsome when you are thinking and Holly put me up to it. Lesson about Quirky number one. Never leave me unsupervised.”

“His ear is almost puce coloured,” Lethe observed. “Subject one appears to be confused and aroused.”

“That was a pretty good first kiss actually,” Quirky quipped. “Well, I think so, I have nothing to compare it to.”

“Noctilucent, speak to me,” Princess Luna said.

Noctilucent could not reply. He smacked his lips a few times, they felt odd, kinda numb and tingly. He tried to formulate some coherent thought and found that he could not.

“Subject one is now dazed and struggling to return to a more cognisant state of mind. Subject two is suffering from increased blood flow to the lips, causing puffy fullness, fluctuating pupils, and glassy eyes, indicating an extreme increase in arousal levels,” Lethe observed.

Princess Luna nodded as Quirky blushed, her pearlescent pelt turning pink.

“That was…” Noctilucent began, but was unable to finish.

“Something,” Quirky finished. “There. Now things don’t have to be awkward. I’ve had my first kiss, and you have had your first kiss, and now you don’t have to be so weird around me.”

“Quirky, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but he is an introvert and you are clearly an extravert. He is always going to be ‘weird’ around you,” Lethe explained.

“How do you fix that?” Quirky asked.

“You can’t fix being an introvert,” Lethe said patiently.

“Oh. Well, that’s alright I suppose. Adds to his charm,” Quirky said, staring at the still blushing pegasus who was staring right back at her. “I wonder what else he’ll be sweet and shy about,” she asked suggestively, waggling her eyebrows.

“Oh, everything you are thinking of and more,” Lethe said helpfully.

“Ah, to be young and reckless again,” Holly said, watching the foals. “They are starting to tire out it looks like. I’d say it was about time to pack up and head home soon.”

The foals lay tucked in their cots, some of them already sleeping. There was a lingering stink of rotten eggs throughout the orphanage. Lethe had gone home, taking Shady Patch with her, and Quirky had come for a final feeding, and to have any extra milk pumped out and stored away.

Princess Luna remained at the orphanage, ready to stand watch all night.

Noctilucent felt much better after the soak in the hot springs. His wing joint didn’t feel as swollen and much of the throbbing had been reduced. He settled into his bed, thinking about the kiss that had been sprung on him, and feeling rather good about it. He drifted off to sleep, not even realising he had slipped into comfortable oblivion. Holly slipped quietly into his room, pulled his blanket over him carefully, kissed him on his head, and then whispered “goodnight” as she departed.

The dream realm awaited.

Noctilucent found himself in the hospital of his memories once again. The place looked like it was being repaired. It was still a mess, but somehow, it looked better. He strode down empty corridors, feeling nervous and afraid. He knew what had happened here the last time.

Even as he watched, things were being repaired. A window reformed from shards of glass on the floor. Broke tiles fixed themselves. Ahead of him, he heard the clopping of hooves on the tile floor.

He felt terrified.

From around a corner, he saw another version of himself step out, and Noctilucent froze in place, hoping that Princess Luna would arrive soon.

“Do not be afraid,” the other Noctilucent said.

“What are you?” Noctilucent asked of himself.

“I am you. Well, part of you. Things are looking grim in here. We’re all splitting up and breaking apart. Things aren’t right, not since that part of you broke off and went off on a rampage,” the other Noctilucent replied.

“So you are me,” Noctilucent said, trying to understand.

“Sort of,” the other Noctilucent replied. “Come on out Little Me!”

Noctilucent watched as his foal self came out from around the corner. Both of the figures had cutie marks.

Other Noctilucent was dark and just slightly off somehow. Miscoloured.

“What part of me are you?” he asked of himself.

“I am your Shadow Noctilucent. I am your strength. Part of me is your darkness, but I am so much more than just darkness. I am a vital part of your nature. I am what makes you a pegasus. I am your brutish inner strength and the source of where your protective instincts come from. Isn’t that right Little Me?” Shadow Noctilucent explained to Noctilucent and then asked of Little Me beside him.

Little Me nodded.

“I’ve been keeping him safe since part of you fractured off and went off on a rampage. Your inner foal was hurt pretty badly, and his safe place is gone. I don’t know what to do with him, so I’ve been keeping an eye on him in case anything else happens,” Shadow Noctilucent explained.

“Can you even face that thing… that… whatever it was?” Noctilucent asked himself.

“Oh, you have no idea what I am capable of if a foal is threatened. Or you for that matter. I am you, remember that. Pegasi have long protected ponykind from so many dangers."

“Hello?” a voice called out, sounding afraid.

“Come on out, it is safe, we were just having a chat,” Shadow Noctilucent cried out to the voice.

A moment later a figure came into view. She was female, and looked just like Noctilucent. She also had a cutie mark. “Hi,” she said shyly.

“And you must be the feminine part of Noctilucent’s mind,” Shadow Noctilucent guessed.

She Noctilucent nodded. “Hi there you adorable little foal!” she said to Little Me, who ran over to be with her.

“My head is full of broken off versions of me,” Noctilucent said. “Good thing I know a psychologist.”

“You’re funny,” She Noctilucent said fetchingly. She sat down on her haunches and hugged Little Me to her barrel.

“How many more of me are there?” Noctilucent asked of himself.

“I don’t know, but I will keep them safe,” Shadow Noctilucent answered with a commanding voice that Noctilucent seemed to lack. “Oh look, you are taking the first step towards loving yourself.”

Noctilucent watched as She Noctilucent began to hug and squeeze Little Me. She cuddled and cradled the foal in her forelegs, humming and singing some kind of lullaby.

“There were too many barriers before. She couldn’t reach him, and he couldn’t reach her. Just look at them,” Shadow Noctilucent said, sounding pleased. “If something harms either one of them, I will rip their heads off and rut their still spurting neckhole!”

“WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!” She Noctilucent scolded.

Shadow Noctilucent cringed and looked guilty.

“When you see Quirky next time, tell her how much you appreciate her,” She Noctilucent advised, now happy and calm again.

“You are about to see Luna very soon. She is entering your mind as we speak. Tell her about us. Try to open the deepest parts of your mind to her. Let her in. She is the only one that can help us I think,” Shadow Noctilucent said.

“And tell Luna thank you for helping you. She is like your mother, so stop hating her for helping you, you insensitive -ahem-” She Noctilucent scolded.

Chapter 19

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 20

Noctilucent awoke after a strangely dreamless night of sleep. At least he didn’t remember any dreams last night. He had been tired, and had gone to bed early. He felt well rested. His mind felt oddly at peace, as though some great burden had been taken from it.

He rolled out of bed and headed for the shower. It was early, and the orphanage was still asleep. Once in the bathroom, he showered, stared at himself in the mirror for a while, tried to talk himself into being a better pony, and then went upstairs.

He was no unicorn, but Noctilucent wasn’t completely helpless in a kitchen. He was missing the use of a wing, which meant a loss of one helpful limb, but he was clever and creative. He checked the pantry, checked the cupboards, and surveyed the freezer.

He pulled a bag of shredded potatoes from the freezer, placed a giant cast iron skillet on the stove, poured in a little oil, and then began to heat it up. There was leftover succotash in the fridge, so he pulled that out, intending to toss it in with the hash browns.

He had a little trouble maneuvering the giant griddle that fit over the two stove burners, but he managed. He pulled out two loaves of nearly stale bread and placed them on the counter. Whistling to himself, something pegasi were encouraged not to do because of all the stereotypes about birds, he set to work in the kitchen. A carton of eggs were pulled from the fridge, he found a bottle of vanilla, some cinnamon, and some nutmeg.

Using his good wing and getting his feathers messy, he was able to crack a whole lot of eggs into a bowl. He added vanilla, cinnamon, some nutmeg, and a little bit of milk and began to beat the eggs.

He tossed the hash browns and the succotash into the skillet, where it began to sizzle and crackle, and then began to dip slices of bread into the egg mixture. He flipped the egg drenched bread onto the griddle and made Fancy toast. He couldn’t speak Fancy, but he could make Fancy toast.

He tossed the hash browns and succotash using a spatula held in his teeth and began to flip the Fancy toast. His wing was covered in egg. He nickered in self satisfaction, feeling very pleased with himself, having himself a grand old time in the kitchen.

He placed the done pieces of Fancy toast on a large platter and slipped it into the oven on the warm setting. He heard hoofsteps behind him and then heard a gasp.

“You made breakfast!” Holly gasped in surprise, not believing what she was seeing. The pegasus was agile and moved with amazing speed and timing. She moved to set the table, leaving Noctilucent alone so he could finish his work.

Noctilucent heard the clatter of hooves and claws, but did not bother to turn around. There was no time. He flipped more Fancy toast and then tossed the hash browns around in the pan. He flipped the done pieces of Fancy toast into the air, caught them on the spatula in a stack, and stashed them in the warming oven.

“Neat,” Sassafras said from the table.

“Indeed,” Graves agreed.

Holly went to work pouring glasses of cold green tea sweetened with honey to drink with breakfast, placed out the syrup, some jam, some ketchup, and some fiery picante.

“Oh my gosh, he cooks!” Quirky said, stepping through the kitchen door. “I let myself in,” she added, looking around the room.

“i wish I could see how he cooks,” Cactus Blossom muttered.

“He moves very fast,” Candy Corn said to Cactus Blossom.

“Save me some breakfast, I am going to feed Shortbread Cookie,” Quirky requested, snatching Shortbread away from Holly and disappearing with her.

“I smell Fancy toast,” Arroyo quipped, licking his lips.

‘Hash browns,” the little grey donkey breathed. “I would throw you all under a wagon for hash browns.”

“Graves!” Holly snapped.

“Well, maybe not you Holly,” Graves replied. “I love you Holly.”

“Cactus Blossom! Stop drinking the syrup!” Holly barked.

“Oh my gosh, hash browns,” Graves moaned.

“Cactus, stop drinking the picante sauce this instant!” Holly commanded.

“It BUUUUUUUUUUUURNS!” Cactus Blossom wailed in a nasal whine.

“Of course it does you numbskull,” Graves snarked.

“Graves!” Holly shouted.

“I thought I was grabbing the jelly jar,” Cactus wheezed.

“Eeeeew there is a long gooey ropey green and yellow booger hanging out of Cactus’ nose!” Sassafras cried.

“Holly, I am going to need that jelly stuff for my plothole again, this is gonna burn later,” Cactus whined breathlessly.

“Eeeeeuuuugh she is going to have those farts that smell like burning hair again,” Graves said in disgust.

Cactus Blossom, snorking and horking, sucked the booger dangling out of her nostril back up into her nose, making Graves and Arroyo gag in disgust.

“Oh gross!” Candy Corn cried, watching the long booger slither up Cactus’ nose as Cactus hawked and gurgled.

“I can taste the booger in the back of my throat,” Cactus gagged.

“Bleeeeaaaargh!” Holly gagged and shuddered.

Sassafras threw her head back and began to laugh riotously, pointing with her claw.

Cactus continued to gargle the mucus in her throat as the burn from the spicy pepper sauce remained relentlessly lingering in her windpipe.

“The center will not hold!” Graves gagged, covering his face with his forehooves and watching everything around him in detached horror. “What rough beast is a pony, and who knows what horror lurks in the heart of Cactus Blossom!”

“Stop being a drama donkey!” Holly hollered, nearing the end of her rope already. Some days were great days with the foals. This was not one of them. And it had started out so well, with a helpful pegasus making breakfast.

“Exit dental crisis!” Arroyo announced helpfully.

“Yes, this is an exit dental crisis Arroyo,” Graves replied, nodding.

Noctilucent, at the stove, noticed the change. A part of his mind seized up for a moment, realising that something had changed between the donkey and the pink pony foal. Graves was clearly being Graves, but he was not having a laugh at Arroyo’s expense.

“If you foals don’t behave, I will not bake brownies later,” Noctilucent said in a low voice.

In an instant, the room had fallen silent, the only noticeable sound was Cactus Blossom’s laboured breathing. Every foal looked at one another, each one not wanting to be the one that caused the potential of brownies to go away. It was a powerful incentive. Potential brownies were important. They could manifest into real brownies.

“The cupboards have everything I need. Holly, only good foals get brownies, right?” Noctilucent said, leveling the playing field, knowing that he and Holly were badly outnumbered.

“Yeah,” Holly agreed. “No brownies. But you can still make brownies for us, and you and I can eat them. And maybe Quirky, because she is a good pony.”

Candy Corn whimpered softly, not liking the notion that there might be brownies that she could smell, but not eat.

“Oh, I can’t stand brownies,” Noctilucent quipped. “Too sweet. So Holly, you and Quirky can have them all to yourselves if the foals keep acting rotten.”

“What kind of pony doesn’t like brownies?” Graves asked as respectfully as possible. “And how can anything be too sweet?”

“I have never liked sweets. I prefer sour things. But I am told that I make ooey gooey brownies that are worth dying for,” Noctilucent admitted.

“Ooey gooey…” breathed Candy Corn softly, her shy sweet voice barely above a whisper.

“And I found a jar of marshmallow fluff too. S’mores brownies,” Noctilucent proclaimed, knowing he had the foals over a barrel now. “Hash browns are done. Holly?”

Holly lifted the heavy pan from the stove and levitated it to the table, keeping the hot iron away from the foals. She set it down upon a pot holder.

“Fancy toast is done too,” Noctilucent said.

The platter was also moved to the table and Noctilucent went to wash his wing in the kitchen sink before going to sit down.

Quirky moved to join them, Shortbread Cookie held aloft in her aura, wrapped in a blanket. She gently placed the foal down upon the table so the foal could sit and watch everypony.

Holly began serving plates, and placed some extra hash browns on Graves’ plate. “I am not sure you deserve those,” she muttered.

“Thank you Holly,” Graves replied in appreciation.

There was the clink of silverware as the foals began to tuck into their plates and Noctilucent sat there staring at his own plate of food, feeling thankful for having some sort of purpose.

The lazy afternoon stretch. It wasn’t quite naptime, it wasn’t a productive time, it was just a time to do something, whatever that something might be. Holly was taking a well deserved rest and watching over Shortbread Cookie. Noctilucent was back in the kitchen, and there would soon be brownies.

The foals were doing various activities. Some read, others played, and Graves was watching Arroyo construct a vast fortress out of wooden blocks as the donkey was reading.

A knock upon the door interrupted this quiet time. Holly, leaving Shortbread upon a pile of cushions, moved to answer the front door.

Opening the door, she saw a tall figure hunched over. It was a diamond dog. He was large, and was rather blue coloured, with grey speckles. The old hound was wearing dark sunglasses and a battered brown trilby hat. Behind him was a handcart loaded down with a few pieces of luggage. He stood, panting slightly.

“Ma’am,” he said, tipping his hat, his voice gritty and low as he panted. “Ma’am, I am Bloo Tick. I’m an old blues musician. And I’ve been hired by Princess Luna, the Eternally Blue, to give lessons to a cool chick named Sassafras.”

“Oh my,” Holly said. “Pull your cart around back off of the main road, and I’ll invite you in, you must be half cooked in this heat. I’ll make sure you get a cold drink.”

The old hound shuffled off, pulling his cart, heading off to the back of the building. Holly moved down the stairs, through the common room, up the back stairs, and opened the back door. She waited for the old hound, and then graciously led him inside, shutting the door behind them, and then escorted him to the kitchen table.

The foals watched the diamond dog with great interest as he was led into the kitchen and was given a tall glass of ice water and a bottle of orange soda from the fridge.

“Thank you ma’am,” the old hound said, removing his hat but not his glasses. He lapped up ice water out of his glass and sat silently, glad for a chance to cool off.

After cooling off and having several glasses of water, the old hound brought in several long cases, settled into a corner, and opened them, calling Sassafras over as he did so.

“Sassy, right?” Bloo asked.

“Yeah,” Sassy replied.

“Seems you have a kindly benefactor. Some blue fellow named Nocti-something or other. Made a deal with Princess Luna, the Eternally Blue so you could get some lessons,” Bloo explained.

“Noctilucent did this?” Sassy said in disbelief.

“Seems to think you have some talent. Now I have with me here a bass guitar, a six string guitar, and an old five string banjo, and we are gonna see if you can play them. And once you find something you like, Princess Luna is going to make sure you get a new one, because the world needs musicians,” Bloo said. “If the world didn’t have musicians, it’d go all mad and craaaay-zee like. Or maybe it already has.”

“Excuse me, I’ll be right back,” Sassy said, tearing off at a full speed run, her wings flapping crazily as she took off.

She ran for the kitchen door, disappearing around the corner. There was a surprised yelp, a grunt, a groan, some happy sounds, and after a few moments Sassy re-emerged from the kitchen, crying a bit but looking happy. She returned to Bloo and sat down, looking at the old hound with wide eyes.

“You a cool chick Sassy,” Bloo grumbled.

“I know it,” Sassy replied.

“Now, you and I, we have these claws. Makes us natural pickers. We don’t have have to use these to hurt nobody, and the constant strumming and picking will leave ‘em dull and harmless, so think of music as a way to get rid of all your aggression,” Bloo said, lifting his paw and flexing his digits at Sassy.

“I hate my claws,” Sassy said dejectedly.

“Well, I am gonna make you love them, Sassy chick,” Bloo announced. “Now pick up something and show me what you can do.”

Sassy sat down next to the guitar case, pulled it out, began to pluck a bit, then strummed, and then began to plink out a tune.

“Not bad. I have something to work with,” the old hound said.

“You really mean that?” Sassy gasped, her feathers fluffing out in all directions from her emotional state.

“I am a true blue Bloo,” Bloo replied. The old hound lowered himself to the floor and sat down, folding his hind legs, his joints popping a bit as he made himself comfortable. “Now you show that bass some love.”

Sassy handed the guitar to Bloo and carefully lifted the heavier wooden base out of its case. She held close to her, hugging it, and then began to pluck.

She was completely unaware of her fellow orphans watching her every move, their ears listening to her every sound. She was completely lost in the moment, experiencing a rare moment of true euphoric joy.

“Now Sassy chick, tell me, how is your schoolwork?” Bloo asked.

“I do alright. I struggle with my numbers a bit,” Sassy replied, still plucking.

“Well, if you ever do less than alright, these lessons stop. I won’t teach no illiterate feather brains. I might not be much, but I can read, I can write, and I can make music. You keep that in mind. And you pay attention in your lessons,” Bloo demanded.

Sassy nodded in reply.

Arroyo slowly left his place amidst the blocks and went over to sit down next to Bloo and Sassy. He remained quiet for a moment, and then, with his ears folded back and his eyes wide, he spoke: “Can I try?”

“You has the magic right?” Bloo asked.

Arroyo bobbed his head in reply.

“You ever played before?”

Arroyo shook his head no.

“Well, that don’t mean much,” Bloo replied, reaching out and tousling Arroyo’s brown mane with a paw. “Here, I hold it, and you try gently strumming the strings with your magic.”

Arroyo took an experimental strum, then another, and then began to pluck the strings, very much like Sassy was doing. The pink unicorn colt stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth and focused his concentration, and Bloo bobbed his head, causing his long floppy ears to waggle, as he listened to Sassy and Arroyo.

“This is gonna be groovy,” Bloo muttered. “Sassy chick, you take up that banjo. You… I want you to pluck this bass as I hold it.”

“I am Arroyo,” Arroyo said.

“That won’t do at all, we’ll have to come up with a suitable musician name for you sometime kiddo,” Bloo said.

“Really?” Arroyo asked.

“Yeah, cause you’re so pink that you must have the blues,” Bloo replied.

Sassy sat, now holding the banjo, and she gave an experimental pluck to the strings. “Oh, hey, I like this,” she murmured to herself.

“Now, you press here and here, then move your claws here and here, and then gently pluck those strings you are pressing on,” Bloo instructed. “And you, you just work on plucking the strings for now while I do me some pressin’ way up here,” Bloo said to Arroyo.

Something almost like music filled the room. Bloo nodded his head, his ears bobbing, his eyes completely obscured by his dark glasses.

The old hound smiled at his two students, and the lesson continued.

Noctilucent reclined on a pile of cushions, getting valuable cuddle time with Shortbread Cookie, who was very happy to see him. He trailed his snoot up and down her back, along her spine, back and forth, back and forth, causing the foal to melt between his forelegs where she lay cradled.

The foals were off eating brownies, and so was the old hound. He could hear Holly in the kitchen, laughing along with the others. They all sounded happy.

“I don’t need brownies, I have my Cookie,” Noctilucent said, his breath causing the foal to squirm. “I am not going to -yaaaaawn- make it till naptime,” Noctilucent confessed to Shortbread.

“Hwoo?” Shortbread babbled, sounding very much like a question.

“We could nap right here,” Noctilucent whispered. “Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“Fwoonoo,” Shortbread replied, spraying drool as she spoke.

“You know, even with today being so perfect, I am feeling a bit depressed. I can’t even figure out why. I made breakfast. I watched over you. Sassy and Arroyo are learning music. I made brownies. And I still feel depressed. With everything I’ve done today, don’t I deserve to be happy?” Noctilucent muttered to the foal he was cuddling.

“Numumblefloo,” Shortbread answered, soaking Noctilucent’s face in drool.

“Part of me is happy I suppose. I just wish this sadness would go away. I need to talk with Lethe and see if she can help me,” Noctilucent whispered.

Noctilucent rested his head on the pillow beside the foal, sighing deeply. Shortbread Cookie immediately began to use his blue ear as a pacifier, slurping away on the tip, causing rivulets of drool to trickle down his ear and the side of his face. She let out a happy squeal and continued to do what she did best. Drool.

“Something is always leaking out of you. First liqui-poo, now drool. It is amazing that you don’t turn into a raisin,” Noctilucent said, slowly becoming saturated. “Plus, your farts can still put Cactus Blossom to shame. I don’t mind so much though. You’re cute.”

“Umnumnum,” Shortbread replied, gnawing on Noctilucent’s ear.

“I get to keep you,” Noctilucent whispered. “I guess this makes me a father. I’ve been thinking about that all day. I don’t even know what that means. I’ve never met my father. I am not totally sure what happened between him and my mother. He was never around. My grandmother said he was awful. He was loud, angry, and did bad things.”

Quite without meaning to do so, the pegasus slipped into a doze, drifting off into peaceful slumber, Shortbread Cookie cuddled up against his face. Still chewing on an ear, she too slowly slipped into a snooze, feeling warm and secure against the pegasus.

Noctilucent awoke with a snort, aware of some kind of commotion going on. He saw Princess Luna. And Gate Crasher. Holly stood nearby, looking distressed and staring into a basket.

“Whazzexactlygoinon?” Noctilucent mumbled as he struggled to wake up completely, his face soaked and his mane plastered to the side of his head. Shortbread was curled up beside him.

“We have a new resident,” Holly replied.

“She is a newborn,” Princess Luna said. “As it so often happens with pegasi, the wings tore free from the birth sac and there were complications. She became lodged. She struggled in the womb. The cord wrapped around her neck. Only one could be saved.”

Noctilucent rose, stretched, and made sure that Shortbread didn’t roll off the cushion. He crossed the room in a few steps and stopped, peering into the basket.

“Think you can handle another one?” Princess Luna asked. “If you say no, I have a few more places I can take her. The Las Pegasus foster homes and orphanariums are jam packed with foals so I brought her here first.”

“Holly, can we handle another one? Can I wear two harnesses or something?” Noctilucent asked.

“With Quirky helping us occasionally I think we can do a reasonable job of care and not be neglectful. I have my hooves full with the bigger foals, so most of this responsibility will fall upon you Noctilucent,” Holly replied.

“Princess Luna, about this one… Does the same deal apply?” Noctilucent asked.

Gate Crasher grunted and began to fidget.

“This is an awful lot to take on,” Princess Luna warned.

“But does it apply?!” Noctilucent replied forcefully.

“Yes,” Princess Luna agreed.

“Then she has a caretaker,” Noctilucent answered, accepting the responsibility offered to him.

“Good,” Gate Crasher growled. “I was worried the little fanged horror wouldn’t get a home.”

“Does this mean I am an entity now?” Noctilucent asked the lunar pegasus.

“No. Not to me. You’re still a non entity. But to them,” Gate Crasher gestured to both foals as he was speaking, “you are the the sun and moon. You give life. Don’t screw up, or I will trample you into putty.”

Noctilucent nodded, taking some small measure of hope from the lunar pegasus’ words. He peered into the basket. Inside there was a lunar pegasus foal. She was a dark dusky orange, with grey wings and a darker iron grey mane. She had bright orange eyes. “I have never seen a lunar pegasi with her colours before,” Noctilucent confessed.

“She is a rare colouration indeed,” Princess Luna confirmed. “Anyway, I must be going. Do not disappoint Gate Crasher. He is foul tempered and will be impossible to work with if you let him down.”

“Quirky isn’t going to have pretty teats no more, not with those little fangs.” Holly declared, wincing as she did so.

The pegasus named after the clouds of night looked down into the basket and stared at the second foal to be placed in his care. He lowered his head, pressed his nose against her, and then inhaled deeply.

For a brief second, his world became perfect.

Author's Note

And chapter 20.

Now most of the major and minor characters are established.

So that's done. Whew.

This chapter had a lot of ground to cover. It stretched out a bit more than I had planned. There was just so much to try and fit in. It was meant to project the feeling of a good enough day, the sort of day you are thankful for after it happens, especially when you have so many troubling days.

Feel free to discuss below, let me know if I left behind any major mistakes, (I fixed darn near a hundred or so) and I hope folks like it.

Now, things can begin to settle a bit.

Chapter 21

Noctilucent settled into his pile of cushions with Shortbread Cookie and the new foal, Holly having piled them together. They seemed content enough with one another, and Holly disappeared to go fix two bottles in the kitchen.

A pale grey earth pony emerged from the stairs and peered around the corner, his faded blue mane obscuring his eyes. He yawned, looked around, and then cautiously approached Noctilucent.

With a nod of his head, Noctilucent encouraged Biscuit to come closer, and Biscuit did, settling down on the cushions with the foals, looking at the new foal with wide eyed curiousity.

“Have a nice nap Biscuit?” Noctilucent asked.

Biscuit nodded, saying nothing, his ears drooping low.

“They are very precious, aren’t they?” Noctilucent inquired.

Biscuit nosed them once each in reply, and settled in closer, pressing himself against Noctilucent’s side and gently touching Shortbread with his fetlock.

“Must be hard, being so quiet all the time, probably wanting ponies to notice you,” Noctilucent mentioned as he wrapped his good wing over Biscuit and held the small foal close.

Biscuit nodded, and then looked Noctilucent in the eye.

“Ever get jealous? It is okay if you do, I won’t get mad if you are honest,” Noctilucent promised.

Biscuit closed his eyes and nodded slowly. He opened his eyes again and saw Noctilucent looking at him patiently. The little foal felt an odd stirring in his heart and his eyes became a little moist.

Holly emerged from the kitchen, took one look at the pony pile on the cushions, sighed heavily while smiling, and then continued over to feed the two foals their bottles.

She sat on the floor close to the cushions and carefully maneuvered the bottles until both foals began to feed, the lunar pegasus foal having some trouble adjusting to the bottle.

“It is very kind you to look after Biscuit like that,” Holly praised.

“He gets lonesome too,” Noctilucent replied.

“I am sure he does,” Holly agreed. “And how about you? Do you feel lonesome sometimes Noctilucent?”

Noctilucent did not reply, he only nodded.

“Foals are good for us lonesome folk, they give us the attention we so desperately need and never once stop offering their affection or attention,” Holly stated in a soft low voice. “Lethe is going to be by soon. She wants to talk with you. Look, I understand that you got yourself into some kind of trouble and that is why you are here. I don’t care about that trouble. You are good with these foals, you are good to these foals, and it doens’t matter to me what sort of trouble drove you to hide here. I am glad that you are here.”

“Thank you,” Noctilucent replied, looking Holly in the eye. “It means a lot to hear you say that.”

“Quirky knows loneliness better than you might believe. Try to spend some time getting to know her better. Be patient with her. She seems really friendly now, but her mood changes. And when it does, try to be her friend, please, I do so worry about her,” Holly begged.

“Her mood changes?” Noctilucent asked.

“Sometimes. She’s been hurt. She needs ponies to be there for her while she re-adjusts to living after being hurt so badly. She too, loves foals and is very, very good with them. That is where her mood stays constant,” said Holly, sharing her own observations.

“I am actually very surprised she kissed you. She probably desperately wanted the attention and your approval. Anypony’s approval really,” Holly stated. “I know you have a lot of work with the foals you currently know, but if you could find it in your heart, spend some time with Shady Patch. He could use a friend like you. He’s hurt too. Lost his mother. You could do a lot to help them both.”

“I can try,” Noctilucent said, watching the foals suckle on the bottles.

“You are such a good pony,” Holly said. “I am really glad you are here.”

“I am not a very good pony at all,” Noctilucent said. “But I want to do better,” he added, looking serious, and his eyes fell downwards.

“One thing I’ve learned as I continue to grow older. All of the best ponies, the sorts of ponies they write books about, the ponies that get remembered, they all started as bad ponies, full of troubles and a hard life. It was their changes that made them great, and drove them to do great things. So don’t let the bad stuff hold you back, use it to push forward,” Holly encouraged.

“Thank you Holly,” Noctilucent replied, now looking up and meeting her gaze, his ears folded back against his head.

Biscuit pushed his nose into Noctilucent’s neck and made whuffling sounds, happy to have a moment of private attention where the other orphans were not running roughshod all over him.

“I wish I knew how to reach you Biscuit,” Noctilucent said to the foal.

“Me too,” Holly repeated. She lifted both foals in her magic and began to pulse her magic along their backs to burp them. Shortbread Cookie let out a tiny feminine sounding belch, and, after some coaxing, the other foal let out a hideous roaring belch that scared Biscuit, causing the skittish colt to splay his ears and let out a whimper.

“Oh my, she’s gonna be fun. Give her a good name Noctilucent,” Holly said.

“One will come to me I think,” Noctilucent replied.

The room was silent for the moment. Dr. Lethe sat on a large cushion that had been brought to to Noctilucent’s room, and Noctilucent reclined on his bed. The two ponies studied one another, and the foals were asleep together in a tiny pile on Noctilucent’s bed, clinging to one another, the lunar pegasus forming a wing cocoon around the both of them.

“Noctilucent, if we may, I’d like to talk about your parents and your feelings about them,” Dr. Lethe suggested, breaking the silence. Her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper.

“I guess we can start there. There are questions I had though,” Noctilucent replied. He felt nervous and could feel his stomach clenching from fear. It was painful. He wasn’t sure what to expect from Dr. Lethe.

“We can have a question and answer session, I’d like that. I do think you would ask the right kinds of questions,” Dr. Lethe responded. Her stern features softened a great deal and she suddenly took on a very soft and approachable aspect. “The foals are adorable, I believe they will help you. Sometimes, we need a small herd we can connect with before we can connect to the larger herd all around us. Seeing you with them gives me hope,” Dr. Lethe stated.

“What you say makes a lot of sense,” Noctilucent replied. “I find it easier to connect with foals than adults.”

“Common with those who have troubled foalhoods. Tell me what you can about your father and your mother. Even if you don’t know much, tell me your feelings,” Dr. Lethe instructed.

“My father was a terrible brute and I know nothing about him… my grandmother did everything she could to make me hate him. I guess you could say she influenced my feelings about him. You know, looking back, she hated all the males in her life. My family members, my father, probably even me now that I think about it. She was always upset that I wasn’t a filly. I wonder what she did to my mother? I don’t know what to feel about my mother,” Noctilucent admitted.

“So if I am understanding your words correctly, your grandmother, the maternal force in your life, diminished your masculinity and hated males? Would this be accurate or would you care to reword this?” Dr. Lethe asked in summary.

“Pretty much, I guess so,” Noctilucent replied. “I never felt good enough. I felt as though my whole existence wasn’t good enough for her. She loved me, I guess, in her own way, but even when I did things perfectly, they weren’t good enough for her. I could get an ‘A’ on my report card and she would complain that it wasn’t an ‘A+’ and then keep telling me that I wasn’t applying myself and I was just a lazy colt. She was always the most affectionate when I was willing to admit what a horrible colt I was or that I had failed.”

“That sounds unfortunate Noctilucent. You are a good stallion. You are not a disappointment. You have unlimited potential to do anything you want, and your grandmother was wrong to make you believe otherwise.”

“Thank you Dr. Lethe. I don’t know you very well, but that makes me feel better to hear you say that. I cannot help but notice that I have been around some very strong females lately who keep lifting me up, even if they keep teasing me sometimes. It has left me very confused.”

“So what the female presences in your life are doing right now stands out in sharp contrast to your experiences with your grandmother Noctilucent? Do you feel comfortable telling me more?”

“Sure Dr. Lethe… There is Holly. I have to admit, she gets on my nerves sometimes when she treats me like a foal, but she treats everybody like a foal. She’s been nothing but kind to me. She tells me good things about myself, that I can do good things. She makes me feel good about myself. I woke up and fixed breakfast… I didn’t just do it for the foals, I wanted to do it to please her.”

“I see, Noctilucent. Were you hoping for some maternal praise?”

The solar pegasus fell silent for a moment, his face confused, his eyes narrowed and focused on Dr. Lethe. His ears moved though several different positions and finally, his nostrils flared.

“I suppose that I was Dr. Lethe. And I guess I got it. She was so happy. And it made me feel better. I felt like I had purpose.”

“Purpose is good Noctilucent, very good! We want you to feel like you have purpose. But we also want you to make yourself happy. You must not just live for others.”

“Dr. Lethe, I don’t know what makes me happy. I lost that somehow.”

Dr. Lethe realised that the topic had strayed away from discussing Noctilucent’s parents and had slipped into a discussion about his surrogates. And other things. Progress was being made however, and she resolved to continue.

“My dear Noctilucent, we shall have to discover what makes you happy, things solely for yourself. It is not selfish to do things for yourself that make you happy. You do not have to give of yourself so completely that you take no time for yourself.”

“I spent so much time trying to make my grandmother happy. Nothing I ever did seemed quite good enough. There was always something I could have done better. I was relieved when she died, as though a long job had finally ended. Does that make me a bad pony Dr. Lethe?”

“No my dear Noctilucent, that makes you a pony. Faults can be strengths and strengths can be faults. It all depends on what we do with them. Feeling relieved when somepony dies after a long trying relationship doesn’t make you a bad pony. You were just glad that it was over. You had every right to feel that way about her death.”

“She always had something terrible to say about everything. About my father, my mother, about me, Dr. Lethe, is she part of the reason why I seem to be doomed in love? Why I cannot seem to connect to other females?”

“There may have been some influence there Noctilucent. Care to tell me more? This is a very sensitive subject, and we are really only getting started with one another in a our relationship. Do you feel comfortable divulging this information with me?”

“I dunno just yet. I guess that was a pretty tough question to ask Dr. Lethe. Just seems like I am cursed. Always faced rejection. And she was always there to rub it in when it happened.”

“That bothers me a great deal to hear you say that Noctilucent. It troubles me that a pony that was supposed to care for you and nurture you harmed you so much. She should have comforted you.”

“I was scared to reach out and try to love someone. I always talked myself out of it. I told myself that they would be just as disappointed in me as she was. I became very good at convincing myself of things. I’d find very logical reasons not to do something, very very logical reasons, and my reasoning felt so sound that I just talked myself out of everything life had to offer. There was always some good reason to retreat. Instead of trying something new, I’d make lists of all the reasons why it was a terrible idea and why it was doomed to failure. And then I would look at my lists and ask myself why should I bother with trying. There was no point. Even when I made the attempt on my own life, I had so many good reasons. It seemed like the only logical thing to do. I had so many reasons, so many logical reasons on why it was the only choice I had left. I reached a point where I couldn’t talk myself out of it because my reasoning felt so sound. How do I fix this Dr. Lethe?”

“Well my dear Noctilucent, you start by getting somepony elses opinions other than your own, and hear out their reasonable arguments. Pay attention to their logic. Like you are doing now. Telling me that took a lot of courage, the sort of courage that one needs to continue onward in your position.”

“You don’t think I am a freak? Or that I am a messed up pile of trash Dr. Lethe?”

“No Noctilucent, my dear pony, you have too much potential to be any of those things. You’re hurt. That does not make you a freak or a pile of trash. Just means that you need somebody to look after your wounds until you get better. I want to help you get better. If a foal falls and skins their knee, does that make them an inherently bad foal?”

“Well, no… Dr. Lethe, of course not.”

“You have fallen and skinned your knee. Those around you who should have comforted you and looked after your wound did nothing. Noctilucent dear, I hope you will allow me to pick you up and look after you.”

“I’d like that Dr. Lethe. I really would. Look, I had other questions I meant to ask, but I am feeling really emotional right now. Can we skip those for another time? I am not sure how much more I can deal with.”

“Of course Noctilucent. We shall do this on your terms. Do you want me to leave and give you some privacy?”

“Could you stay actually Dr. Lethe? For once, I don’t want to be alone, I just don’t know what to say. Maybe we could just make small talk?”

“I will stay and sit with you a little longer Noctilucent. Would you like some tips on rearing a lunar pegasus?”

Author's Note

I bet some of you were worried that I wasn't going to update this today.

Sorry it was late. I finally got a little tiny bit of sleep.

Discussion, as always, is encouraged. Be kind to one another.

Edit: Hang in there Milesprower06.

Chapter 22 Author's Note

A little mood music for the chapter. Two different versions of the same beautiful song. For all the awkward freaks, weirdos, and creeps out there. Let your freak flag fly and keep your head held high.

Chapter 22

The night was beautiful and so was Quirky. Once again, she had finished her rounds early and had stopped by for a feeding, and to also get pumped to refill the milk resevoirs in the fridge.

Quirky had been quite shocked by the new foal. She fussed and fawned over it, in love with it right away, and doted over both Shortbread Cookie and the new foal.

Feeding was a bit problematic though, as the new foal was a nipper as predicted. She liked to chew as much as suckle, and her tiny needle-like fangs caused no end of suffering for Quirky, who endured it all with good natured grumbling.

Noctilucent sat close by as Quirky fed them in the common room, sprawled on a pile of pillows. Shady Patch had opted to stay indoors with Quirky rather than be outside with the other foals, curious about the lunar pegasus foal.

“You look very protective Noctilucent,” Quirky observed, her tone serious and not at all teasing. “Look at you and the way you are sitting. You are not slouching or moping or any of those things. You’re handsome when you are attentive.”

Noctilucent did not reply, but he did blush slightly.

“And now you have two foals to look after. There is something about a pony that isn’t afraid to be a father,” Quirky quipped.

Noctilucent felt something tugging inside of his mind. Thoughts began to tumble. His own father had been absent. And now, even with his life as screwed as it was, he was now technically the father of two foals, at least in deed, though not quite yet in the legal sense. But that would come later. The plan was taking shape in his mind. He had thought about a lot of things after his long talk with Dr. Lethe earlier. She was outside with Holly and the foals, enjoying the night.

“Quirky, would you like to-”

“I’d love to go on a date with you,” Quirky interrupted. “We can go to the diner. But only if Shady Patch can come along.”

Noctilucent thought of Holly’s words earlier. “Shady Patch, would you like to come with us?” he asked.

The zebra foal nodded but said nothing.

“Then once the foals are in bed, and the little ones are tucked away, the three of us will go and have a nice time together,” Noctilucent announced.

“That is very nice of you,” Shady Patch said in a small voice.

“A lot of ponies aren’t too kind towards zebras right now,” Quirky said. “He’s been catching a lot of heat for things he isn’t responsible for.”

“You are just another foal to me,” Noctilucent said to Shady Patch. “And I like foals as I think you can see.”

“Cactus Blossom says you are just a big foal yourself,” Shady said, looking down at the floor.

“She’s right,” Noctilucent replied.

Shady looked up at the pegasus with a quizzical stare. “That doesn’t bother you that she said that?” he asked.

“Should it?” Noctilucent replied.

“I dunno, don’t ask me,” Shady said, still looking Noctilucent in the eye. “Quercus is a big foal most of the time as well.”

Quirky giggled at Shady’s words and smiled a broad beaming smile.

“I really love her though so I can’t complain,” Shady admitted in a low whisper, still staring up at Noctilucent.

“Would it bother you if I dated Quirky?” Noctilucent asked.

“Look, in case you haven’t noticed, I am a foal. I don’t get much of a say about what adults do,” Shady replied.

“Sure you do. You have feelings. And I don’t want to intrude or make you uncomfortable,” Noctilucent said. “Would make it very hard to be friends with Quirky if you didn’t like me.”

Shady Patch shifted slightly on his haunches, and continued to stare up at Noctilucent, his face puzzled. Saying nothing, he extended one foreleg and offered his hoof.

Noctilucent raised his own hoof and gently bumped it against Shady’s, a silent agreement made between the two. On the outside, Noctilucent looked calm and composed. On the inside, he was a seething roiling mass of nerves and jitters that was barely holding everything together. This was almost unheard of behaviour for him and he had no idea what he was doing.

“Aw, both of you are so sweet,” Quirky quipped. She winced from a particularly painful nip on the teat and bit her lip to keep from crying out.

“So why do you like foals so much?” Shady asked.

“I don’t know. I think maybe they're my calling. Hard to say,” Noctilucent replied.

“Cactus Blossom says you are the most patient adult she’s ever met,” Shady Patch said. “You know, you actually scare her a little bit.”

“Do I?” Noctilucent responded.

“She says you’re not normal,” Shady stated. “Even Holly loses her temper, and Holly is one patient pony.”

“And this scares her?” Noctilucent asked.

“She says she is waiting for you to get angry. She thinks that when you do it is going to be like volcano or something,” Shady answered.

“Oh,” Noctilucent replied.

“It is okay to get angry with foals you know,” Shady said. “We do stupid stuff and we need to be scolded.”

“I just can’t see the point about being mean when it happens,” Noctilucent admitted. “My grandmother was often cruel with her responses. I know how it feels. I didn’t like it being done to me, I really don’t want to do it to others.”

“Yeah, but sometimes, we need the scolding,” Shady said in embarrassed tones. “Look. There is a lot of times I know I have messed up and Quirky doesn’t scold me because she wants to be my friend, and it makes me feel even worse because I know I did something rotten and I deserve to be scolded. It would be a relief to be scolded. Just to hear it and get it out of the way so I can stop scolding myself.”

“Fascinating,” Noctilucent said. “You and Graves must spend a lot time talking.”

“How did you know that?” Shady asked.

“Just a hunch,” the pegasus offered.

“Quirky was talking about you in the mirror to herself and making smoochy smoochy faces,” Shady said in a teasing tone.

“Shady! When I catch you!” Quirky snapped, stuck on her pile of pillows.

“Oh,” Noctilucent said, his white spots rapidly turning pink.

“Are you going to try to kiss her tonight?” Shady asked, his own white stripes turning a bit pink.

“I hadn’t planned on it,” Noctilucent confessed.

“Well, why not?” Shady asked insistently.

“Well, because you are going to be there and I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable,” Noctilucent said, making up a quick believable excuse.

“Shady!” Quirky warned.

“You have my permission. I wouldn’t mind. She needs to stop moping,” Shady said, smiling slightly and his white stripes turning even pinker. “She gets into these moods and it hurts me to see her in them. Reminds me too much of my mother.”

“Shady, you don’t even want to know what I am going to do to you later!” Quirky threatened.

“See, this is what I mean. Foals need scolding. I know I deserve this. I am not the least bit upset about it,” Shady commented.

The white unicorn was now very pink herself and her breath came in snorts.

“I think you and I are going to be friends, Shady Patch,” Noctilucent said.

Two ponies and a zebra walked down the road, their breath visible in the cold night air, moving slowly and silently through the dark. Not much was being said now, all three of them looked thoughtful. Noctilucent thought about the two foals he had taken responsibility for and what it meant long term. Quirky thought about Shady Patch, who she had taken responsibility for, and what it meant long term. Shady Patch was thinking about something else entirely. He wanted Quirky happy.

Shady walked slightly ahead of the two, his legs having to work double time to stay ahead of them, but he managed. He didn’t want them feeling as though they were being watched.

The trio finally made it to their destination, the diner, and made their way inside. They were seated in a booth, with Quirky and Shady sitting on one side, and Noctilucent sitting on the other.

“Things are weird and quiet,” Shady observed in a low voice.

“Yes they are,” Noctilucent agreed.

“A little zebra had to run his mouth,” Quirky muttered.

“I thought that first kiss was supposed to clear up all the weirdness between us,” Noctilucent said, staring down at the table.

“And then things got weirder,” Quirky said in her own defense. “Here I am having a few daydreams about wanting to start a family, and here you are starting a family all by your lonesome, no mare required, and I am the one teat feeding them and getting attached to them and then a little mouthy zebra has to go and reveal what I was doing in private.”

Shady hung his head.

“Wait, what?” Noctilucent said.

“Look, forget about it, this doesn’t need to be any weirder,” Quirky said dismissively. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. It just slipped out.”

“I feel really stupid, of course you would feel some attachment to the foals,” Noctilucent mumbled self consciously.

“I thought I could just be a good pony, help out a little bit, do the right thing, I didn’t know I would grow so fond of Shortbread Cookie so quickly. Or you.”

“Me?” Noctilucent asked.

“Well, she hangs around your neck. You are always kissing her. Being sweet. That gets a mare’s attention you know. Nothing gets our reproductive itch going like watching a good father at work,” Quirky huffed.

The waitress stood near the table smiling.

“One banana milkshake, black bean refritos, flatbread, queso dip, guacamole, a giant strawberry lemonade, and I think that will do it for me. Noctilucent, what do you want to drink?” Quirky said.

“Can I get a lemonade with no sugar?” Noctilucent asked.

“Sure, we can get you some fresh squeezed lemon juice and water,” the waitress replied. “Want some lime juice with that?”

“Please,” Noctilucent replied.

“Oh that’s icky,” Shady commented.

“Care to try our stuffed habanero puffs? It is a habanero stuffed with mushroom bits and cream cheese, dipped in cornbread batter, and deep fried in peanut oil,” the waitress offered.

“I’ll take a dozen of those,” Quirky replied.

“A dozen?” Noctilucent asked.

“Four each,” Quirky responded.

“I’ll be back shortly,” the waitress said, departing to drop their order off in the kitchen.

“So you like me because I appear to be a good father?” Noctilucent questioned.

“Well, yeah. I mean, look at it from my perspective. I have Shady. And I am single. Do you think for one moment I am going to invite somepony into my life that is going to be rotten towards Shady?” Quirky replied.

Noctilucent couldn’t help but feel that this was a different Quirky than the one he had previously taken on a date. This one wasn’t so happy go lucky. She was practical and shrewd. She was careful and reserved. And she wasn’t nearly as jovial.

“You work in an orphanage for crying out loud. You look after foals. How could I not feel just a little hopeful when I look at you?” Quirky queried.

“I am only there because I… I made a terrible mistake and now I am paying for it. I am being honest when I say this, but I don’t want to say what I’ve done,” Noctilucent admitted.

“But Luna put you there. She trusts you with those foals. That means something,” Quirky insisted.

“Luna is very protective of her foals,” Shady Patch agreed. “We’ve talked. She calls me one of her special foals,” he added.

Noctilucent let the realisation of why sink in.

“So you have something I kinda want for myself,” Quirky admitted. “I didn’t know that I would get so attached so quickly. And now there are two.”

“I didn’t know I was going to fall in love either,” Noctilucent confessed.

After several moments of silence, he added: “With Shortbread Cookie I mean… uh, well, you get the idea.”

Quirky looked at Noctilucent and blinked several times.

“She’s made me want to get my life together. All of the foals actually, the whole orphanage. I don’t know what I want to do with my life exactly, I don’t know what I want to do for me as a pony, but I have applied for financial aid and applied to take lessons in foal psychology through the mail from the University of Las Pegasus,” Noctilucent confessed, heaving out a deep breath and puffing out his cheeks after he did so. He hadn’t told anypony yet, and it felt really good to tell somepony what he had done.

“You did what?” Quirky said, her mouth dropping open.

Shady reached up with his foreleg and gently pushed Quirky’s mouth shut. “Princess Luna told me she wants me to talk with Dr. Lethe. She’s a foal psychologist,” Shady Patch mentioned as he lowered his foreleg back down to the table. He looked up at Quirky who was still stunned.

“Are you for real?” Quirky asked.

“I had a moment while I was in the shower. I just made a really poor plan and then I ran with it. Never done anything like this before. Usually I don’t do anything on a whim, I plan everything, I don’t like being spontaneous, but I made a plan in the shower, went to the library, put in the paperwork, and now I am waiting. No idea if I will be accepted or not. I’m scared to death, I’m nervous about saying anything because I have this fear of being rejected or just failing after I start it and looking like a total loser in front of the first mare I’ve felt anything for in a long time, and I don’t want my life to become any more messed up,” Noctilucent blurted, his words coming out in a long stream because of panic.

“Woah, wait up, you have feelings for me?” Quirky asked, seizing upon the words that were of the most interest to her.

“Well, kinda, I just want to know you. You didn’t reject me or put me down or say I am useless or leave me feeling like I am less than a stallion,” Noctilucent confessed.

“I understand,” Quirky said, falling silent.

“You like Quirky?” Shady asked.

“Well, kinda, I sort of want to know her better,” Noctilucent said to the zebra. “Ever had a crush kiddo?”

“No,” Shady replied. “But if I did fall in love it would be with someone like Quirky,” the zebra admitted.

Quirky slipped a foreleg around the zebra foal and squeezed him close.

The waitress showed up at the table with a tray, unloaded her tray, smiled broadly at the group, and nodded. “The bill is paid for by the way. Royal expense account, courtesy of Princess Luna. Enjoy everything!” She bounced way with the tray, babbling happily to another set of customers not too far away.

“I had no idea that Princess Luna set up an account,” Noctilucent said in surprise, his tone low and almost shocked.

Shady ignored all else and began to work on his banana milkshake, trying to suck the thick creamy shake through the straw, which was almost impossible.

Quirky waited on the habanero puffs to cool down and opted instead to go for the flatbread. She loaded it down with refritos and guacamole, rolled it up, and then dipped it in queso. She made an almost erotic face when she bit into it and then moaned in pleasure.

The queso was full of little orange, yellow, and red bits.

Noctilucent began to sweat just looking at it, the orange, yellow, and red bits somewhat familiar. “I’m scared,” he confessed.

“You should be,” Shady said, eyeing the queso. “It’s loaded.”

With a spoon, Noctilucent loaded the refried beans and guacamole onto a piece of flatbread, rolled it up, and dipped it in the queso. He closed his eyes, and took a bite.

He immediately wished he hadn’t.

His whole body felt like the time he had been accidentally blown into a stormcloud. He could feel something writhing around inside of his lips and his tongue. His teeth tingled. The roof of his mouth spontaneously combusted and felt like it had burst into flames. His whole body broke out into a sweat.

And then, he dipped into the hot gooey habanero laden queso again.

This is the self harm I can live with he thought to himself.

“You both are crazy!” Shady Patch exclaimed. “That stuff burns my eyes just from being too close!”

Both ponies began to sniffle as they ate, noses running, eyes watering, both of them sweating so much that trickles of sweat began to dribble down various parts of their bodies.

Noctilucent tried one of the habanero puffs, popping the whole thing into his mouth after blowing on it a few times. He chewed a few times… and then lamented his decisions wholeheartedly. He immediately felt his eyeballs begin to vibrate, his ears started to ring, and his tongue felt as though it was being jammed full of white hot needles.

“These are really good,” Noctilucent whimpered, trying to snort back the snot that threatened to dribble out of his nose.

Quirky tried one and popped into her mouth. She began to pant heavily. To Noctilucent, it was almost sexual. He wondered briefly what his reaction must look like to Quirky.

Upping the ante, Noctilucent dipped a habanero puff into the queso and then jammed it into his mouth.

A few moments later, he let out a whimpering cry and resigned himself to his fate. Tears streamed down his cheeks and he rapped on the table with his hoof, wishing the pain would go away. He sniffled and snorted, huffed and puffed, and then finally tilted his head back and simply tried to keep breathing, which felt almost impossible.

Shady cautiously reached out, took a habanero puff, gobbled it down, and then immediately began to slurp on his milkshake, his eyes instantly bloodshot and his nose began to run. A low cry reverberated in the depth of his throat.

The torture was exquisite.

Nopony could ever quite figure out why some ponies did this to themselves. The other ponies in the diner watched the two ponies torture themselves and shook their heads. They were old, and had forgotten what it was like to take those first stumbling steps into infatuation.

Chapter 23

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Chapter 24

Two weeks. That was about how long it had been. Noctilucent had adjusted to his new routine and was even starting to look forward to each new day when it happened, even though a lingering sense of depression dwelled within the depths of his mind. Wake up. Shower. Either wait for breakfast or assist with breakfast. Try to contain patience to see Quirky in the mornings. Gauge Quirky’s mood for the day. Help clean up after breakfast. Mind foals during bath time. Play with the little foals and cuddle with them during the larger foal’s school time. Eat a light lunch. Listen to Sassafras’ and Arroyo’s lesson. Nap. Speak with Dr. Lethe. Have dinner. Mind foals during the evening playtime. And, if all went well, spend a little precious time with Quirky at the diner.

Sassafras and Arroyo had both showed signs of promise with their lessons. Sassafras played the banjo more and more, being a naturally good plucker, and her skill was becoming evident. Arroyo, who often seemed to have trouble expressing any sort of creativity had an honest knack for playing the bass. The little pink unicorn was an entirely different creature when plinking away on the bass guitar. He was clever. He was creative. He was focused. Arroyo had found something he was truly gifted at, other than making dust devils. The musical chemistry between him and Sassafras was a wonder to behold, and the two were becoming fast friends, each lesson bringing them closer together. Bloo Tick dismissed the notion of friendship and called them ‘bandmates’ instead, which he said was far more powerful and important.

The situation between Noctilucent and Quirky was something that Noctilucent simply did not understand. There had been quite a number of dates so far. There had been no further attempt at kissing. There had been a few hugs, Quirky occasionally nuzzled him, but even their budding relationship had fallen into a quiet well established routine with little deviation. Noctilucent had finally been exposed to what others had seen; depressed and despondent Quirky. Noctilucent patiently waited through these spells, and Quirky did the same for him when he fell into one of his funks. Sometimes the dates in the diner passed near wordlessly, as words simply seemed to get in the way or felt useless. Shady Patch frequently joined them both.

The new foal remained nameless, but Noctilucent wasn’t too concerned. One would come in time, even if it took a little while. Good things were worth waiting for. The new foal and Shortbread Cookie were well bonded and close as real siblings. If you took one away from the other, both would begin to cry. The lunar pegasus foal was a creature that you didn’t want crying. She would use her echolocation to make the most awful heart rending racket, and the sound was enough to tear apart your heart and make your ears bleed.

Today was different though. Today was the day that the routine changed.

It was a lazy feeling mid morning. Noctilucent sat nesting in a big pile of cushions, looking after his foals, keeping them content and happy as Holly schooled the foals for the day. Shortbread Cookie was extra-squirmy and the lunar pegasus foal was extra cranky. Noctilucent couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps he and Quirky would share these foals together in a more permanent sense. Noctilucent dared to hope that they would. Dr. Lethe had told him to hope for things he wanted and then to work hard to make them happen, and that he had to find a balance in the middle.

Noctilucent found that even with her mood swings and sudden shifts, he wanted Quirky. And so, he had begun to hope and to work towards that end.

Noctilucent raised his gaze and looked at Lethe, who was sitting with Holly, helping to teach today’s lesson, which was about self esteem and self image. Noctilucent only half listened, having heard plenty about self esteem and self image already from Dr. Lethe.

The lunar pegasus foal began to make shrill squeals and then clicking while she looked up at Noctilucent. The solar pegasus understood what this behaviour was… this was a special form of imprinting according to Lethe. The little foal was busy trying to establish Noctilucent’s profile in echolocation, because lunar pegasi saw as much with sound as they did their slashed pupil eyes. Noctilucent made little clicking noises with his own tongue to encourage her.

There was a knock at the door, which interrupted the class. Noctilucent rose from his nest, made sure the foals were secure on the cushions, and then went to door. He climbed the stairs, hit the latch, and pushed the door open, letting the horrible heat of the day into the building.

One slightly cooked mailpony stood at the door and set down a large package. “One parcel for a Noctilucent here. No other mail today,” the mailpony announced before taking off.

Noctilucent picked up the package in his teeth and headed down the stairs, glad to be back in the cool. He strode quietly across the room and returned to his nest, was very careful not to step on a foal, and with a contented sigh, settled himself back down among his brood, making an audible grunt of pleasure as he did so. Once on the cushions, he began to try to work the package open.

It took a few tugs but he finally broke the string. Then the brown paper came off. He ripped off a small tab that secured the cardboard flap, and then pulled the flap open. Inside were a lot of papers.

He slid them out.

At the top was a promissory note of financial assistance, stamped with Princess Luna’s royal seal and signed with Princess Luna’s own signature. Well, there would be no hiding it, she knew what he was up to now. Noctilucent sighed. A part of him wanted to surprise her, to show her that he was working hard to achieve his own salvation. That particular hope had been dashed upon the rocks. It was okay though, as Noctilucent took a bit of comfort in knowing that Princess Luna was truly looking after him.

The next sheet of paper was an acceptance letter, stating that he had been enrolled into the University of Las Pegasus’ long distance education program. It was signed by a bunch of names that Noctilucent did not recognise. The next sheet of paper explained what would happen next. Lessons would begin arriving by mail, that he would need to collect books from the library, and that soon, he would meet his assigned long distance proctor that would watch over him while he took tests and would be available to him if he had questions or needed help.

The third sheet of paper was an outline of all of his classes, which were many. He was going to be at this for a couple of years by the looks of things. Not that he cared.

He absentmindedly smooched a foal, he was too busy staring at the papers to tell which one.

The rest of the papers were all student information, details about what sort of grades he needed to maintain to keep his financial aid, schedules and how much work was expected done by various calendar markers, and a great deal of assorted information.

Noctilucent slid the papers back into the box and sat feeling very pleased with himself. He felt oddly bubbly inside, as though he wanted to jump up and run around the room, which made him feel very foalish.

The second disturbance came when Princess Luna showed up unannounced just after lunch, collected Noctilucent, stuffed him into a chariot that stood waiting in the noonday sun, and then took off. Noctilucent wasn’t so upset about being taken for a ride, but he was upset about leaving his foals. He spent the ride grumbling while Princess Luna tried to make him smile and congratulated him on his wise move to attend university.

There was a quick flight to Las Pegasus, where Gate Crasher landed the chariot on top of a tall hospital building and then all three of them went indoors.

The waiting room was cool and air conditioned. Noctilucent fidgeted in his seat, bored, and slightly annoyed by Princess Luna’s near constant attention.

“I hear you and Quirky are getting close,” Princess Luna said with a teasing smile. “When are you going to work up the courage to ask her to go steady?” the alicorn asked in a nettlesome tone.

Noctilucent did not reply, but he did turn his head and stare at the wall.

“She is a marvelously pretty pony, isn’t she? If I hadn’t saved you, you would have never met her, and she would have never met you, and that would have been tragic,” Princess Luna stated in a very serious voice.

Noctilucent turned and regarded Princess Luna with narrowed eyes.

“Tragic because you would have died a virgin and Quirky would have missed out on all those golden opportunities to razz you,” Princess Luna quipped.

Noctilucent rolled his eyes and heaved a sigh of annoyance.

“Do you have feelings for her?” Princess Luna inquired, now serious again. “Do you love her?”

Noctilucent immediately felt a surge of panic, knowing about the agreement between him and Princess Luna about not taking away anything he loved. “Why do you want to know?” Noctilucent asked in a strangled worried voice.

“Be calm you silly flighty pegasus, there is no cause for alarm. I just wanted to know how you felt about her,” Princess Luna reassured.

“I feel something,” Noctilucent admitted. “Something I’ve never felt before. The closest I’ve ever felt to what I feel now is with Merriweather, or the filly I tried to give the Hearts and Hooves Day card to.”

“Feeling something is good,” Princess Luna praised. “Continue to feel it and draw strength from it.”

“I want to share my foals with her,” Noctilucent confessed.

“That is serious,” Princess Luna stated.

“Don’t tease! Not about this!” Noctilucent demanded.

“I wasn’t teasing,” Princess Luna replied. “Not about this. I just know how you feel about those foals. You’ve rebuilt your entire existence around both of them, and the others as well, just as I had hoped that you would. To want Quirky to share in that is a desire to have Quirky share in your hopes and dreams. Your very existence.”

“You are nopony until somepony loves you,” Gate Crasher grunted gutturally, not looking up from his magazine, which he held in his grasping digits on each central wing knuckle.

“You have a right to be happy, keep hoping and keep dreaming. Make a grand sweeping gesture of love,” Princess Luna said.

“What if I am rejected? I can’t face that again!” Noctilucent whined, old memories now flooding his mind.

“What if you let slip a once in a lifetime chance to be happy?” Princess Luna asked, her eyes narrowed and her ears forward. “I personally think that you are more afraid of Quirky saying ‘yes’ than you are of rejection.”

Noctilucent glowered at the Princess and his nostrils flared.

“I think I struck a nerve,” Princess Luna announced when she saw Noctilucent’s expression. “Easy to see why Quirky loves to tease you. You are attractive when you are flustered.”

“This way please, “ a nurse called.

Noctilucent shot a final glare at Princess Luna and then left to follow the nurse, his ears folded back against his skull.

Princess Luna sat with Noctilucent and looked at the x-rays. The metal pins were highly visible, the wire mesh that secured his wing gave off a glowing signature, and the bone stood out in in sharp contrast to the soft tissue.

“Things are healing well,” the doctor said. “We should be able to remove the wire mesh soon, maybe a few more weeks, and then begin physical therapy. You should be warned though. No matter how well things heal, you are always going to have a weak place in your wing, right there in your ball and socket joint. The metal pins will help keep things secure, but your wing will never be strong again.” The doctor studied Noctilucent and waited for a response.

Noctilucent did not respond. He laid on the examination table saying nothing, staring at the x-rays, his face completely devoid of expression.

“Noctilucent?” Princess Luna inquired in a gentle whisper.

“I refuse to accept that,” Noctilucent said.

Princess Luna winced and the doctor heaved out a low groan.

“I’ll be fine. It will just mean more hard work,” Noctilucent argued. “Dr. Lethe says anything is possible with hard work.”

“Hard work will help,” the doctor agreed. “No pegasus ever wants to accept bad news about a wing injury.”

“It is only bad news if there is something to actually worry about,” Noctilucent protested. “And this isn’t anything to worry about. It just means I have to push my self a little harder and work through it. It will be fine. What do you know anyway, you’re just some unicorn. You don’t know what pegasi are capable of.”

Princess Luna looked away from the x-ray and her ears fell to the sides of her face. She wanted to tell Noctilucent what he needed to hear, but she no longer had the heart and she knew that Noctilucent wouldn’t listen to her anyway. Not now. Maybe not ever. She expected denial at some point, and here it was.

“Why are both of you behaving like that? What, you think I can’t do it?” Noctilucent snarled.

Princess Luna carefully made her expression go blank. “I am sure that you will work very hard for your own recovery,” she said, her voice now flat and emotionless.

Noctilucent fell silent and glared at the x-rays.

Princess Luna knew it was going to be a long ride home.

Author's Note

Sorry about the delay. This chapter was mostly done yesterday, but I slept on it overnight and then reworked about half of it this morning.

I feel much better about the changes.

The previous version was simply too depressing and glossed over too many details. So I fleshed it out a bit more and softened the blow just a bit.

Chapter 25 (warning, contents may be hot)

The night was purple-blue and chilly enough to make a pony want to cuddle. It had not been the best of days, but it had not been the worst of days either. It had been a day. It was probably going to end badly.

Noctilucent turned to look at his companion, Quercus Alba. When she saw him looking at her, she gave him a coy look and then turned away, looking up at the stars and ignoring his attentive stares.

Every emotion that Noctilucent could think of whirled in his mind as he steeled his resolve for what was coming. Tonight would be the night for total honesty, he owed Quirky that before they could ever actually be together.

He opened his mouth to say something, but as he did so Quirky looked at him and smiled, causing him to fall silent completely, unable to get out those difficult first words. He took a deep breath and re-applied his courage.

A lingering thought about rejection drifted through his mind, causing him to tremble. So much damage could be done with a simple ‘no.’ The rejected Hearts and Hooves Day card had caused him a lifetime of pain.

“The walk was a good idea Noctilucent. It is nice to be just out here walking. Although you look a little chilly… if you come a little closer I promise I have something that will warm you up,” Quirky teased.

Noctilucent stared at Quirky wide eyed, now very much afraid of her. She was in one of those moods this evening, which made what he had to do that much harder. Perhaps another night would be better.

That night he was certain that he could find a reason not to tell as well. There would always be a reason not to tell Quirky. Not to let her in. Not to take that first step. Noctilucent could break his own wing and throw himself from a cliff, but couldn't tell the truth to the one mare that had been his friend and companion so readily.

“Quirky, I, uh, well, you see, there is some things I’d like to talk with you about, and this is going to be very difficult for me,” Noctilucent said.

“I could make it a little more difficult,” Quirky replied suggestively, turning to look at Noctilucent once again. “Anything to see those nostrils of yours flare.”

The pegasus heaved a sigh, his nostrils flaring.

“I solemnly swear to never make anything easy for you. Even me,” Quirky said with a saucy wink.

“Look, I want you. I mean, I want to share my foals with you. Oh horseapples I am going to make a mess of this no matter how I say it. I’ve been thinking about us. A lot. As a couple. And we have really hit it off, even if everything isn’t perfect, a little friction and some sparks have been good for me. Quirky, I can’t give myself to you until I tell you a few things, like why I am here.”

Quirky became serious, her teasing mood gone. She moved a little closer to the pegasus and brushed up against his side briefly.

“Look, I really want Shortbread Cookie and the other foal to be our foals. I want you to be a part of their lives. And then there are the others, which I don’t know what to do with just yet but I can’t just abandon them to their fates. I can’t leave them at all actually. I am bound here. It is very complicated. Oh this isn’t going very well at all for me and I am probably not making any sense.”

“Look, just let it out,” Quirky suggested. “The worst thing that will happen is that I burn you alive if you make me angry.”

“And that is what I am afraid of!” Noctilucent replied, keenly aware of the fact that he could not fly away. “Look, I even have a name in mind for the lunar pegasus foal, something that reflects both of our natures and would be perfect for her, so if you burn me alive, you will never know what it is. I’ll tell you afterwards if I survive.”

“You and your mysterious reasons why you are here,” Quirky said. “I don’t see how it could be that bad.”

The pegasus took a deep breath and sighed.

“You are really worked up about this. Are you that afraid of losing me? Are you in love with me Noctilucent?” Quirky asked, getting down to the heart of the issue at hoof.

“I don’t know,” Noctilucent answered honestly. “I feel something very strong for you. I don’t know what it is. So strong that it makes me want to tell you the truth. Although the truth will probably ruin what we have,” Noctilucent said.

“So just tell me,” Quirky said.

“I’m trying! You are very distracting!” Noctilucent replied.

“Well, so are you. You and those flaring nostrils. All a mare can think about is you on her back and all the heavy breathing you could be doing with those flared nostrils, huffing and puffing into her mane and tickling her ear,” Quirky retorted. “And I manage to control myself even with all of your constant nostril flaring distractions, so deal with it!”

Noctilucent drew a deep shuddering breath, completely disarmed by Quirky’s words, suddenly very self conscious about his nostrils. He had no idea that nostrils could be a source of sexual arousal.

“Quirky, I had no idea. Look…” Noctilucent licked his lips as he paused, a cold sweat breaking out over his body. “I did something stupid. I hit a point in my life where nothing felt like it would ever change. I was trapped in a place I couldn’t see any escape from. There was no way out. I, uh, well, I did something boneheaded. I made a list of very logical reasons why what I was going to do was a good idea, and then I followed through with them. I found myself a perfect place that suited my needs after a bit of scouting, spent a couple more days wandering around in a daze, had my last meal, went up on a cliff, broke my own wing, and threw myself off. Princess Luna caught me. I mean, she literally caught me… oh dear Quirky you don’t look well…”

Noctilucent began to back away from Quirky, who did not look well at all. Her own nostrils were flaring, her horn burned a fiery orange, and a frightening amount of heat was radiating from her body.

“You did what?” Quirky growled.

Suddenly, Quercus Alba was on fire.

Her mane and tail were completely gone, replaced with writhing green and white flames. Her eyes, always so pretty, were gone, replaced with burning baleful orbs of fire.

Noctilucent realised his terrible mistake. Here was something Princess Luna had not counted on. Suicide by Quirky.

He began to back away, the heat making his skin feel uncomfortably tight. “Look Quirky, I admit it was a dumb thing to do, and I am actually very glad to be alive right now and to know you, and Princess Luna put me here and I am magically stuck here with a geas until I can figure out how to relight my candles and even though you are about to kill me, probably going to burn me to death just like you keep talking about doing, I really did want to share my foals with you, but I am stuck here, maybe for the rest of my life, looking after all of the other foals as well so if you wanted to be with me, which you probably don’t want to be right now, and I totally understand, you would have to share in all of the foals with me, not just the little ones, but all of them, and oh please don’t burn me I want to live!” Noctilucent cried as he backed away in a hurry. He turned and began to run away from the pyromantic unicorn.

“Princess Luna I could really use a little intervention right now,” Noctilucent shouted as he ran down the road, Quirky quite literally hot on his heels.

“I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU!” Quirky thundered, her voice the roaring crackle of a forest fire.

“Rejection isn’t so bad, at least it isn’t going to hurt for very long!” Noctilucent shouted as he picked up the pace.

A pegasus ran down the road, a burning unicorn in blazing pursuit, the raging inferno that consumed the pony’s body making the night as bright as day all around her.

Noctilucent let out a ragged scream as he found himself being lifted into the air with magic. “No no no, I want to live, my foals!” he cried, kicking and struggling against the invisible forces that held him. The magic that bound him was searing hot, uncomfortably painfully hot.

Quirky stood still, burning supernovae bright, pulling the pegasus towards her in a cloud of incandescent plasma that was her magic.

“YOU FOOL! YOU NEARLY DESTROYED WHAT MADE ME HAPPY! HOW COULD YOU?” Quirky roared, a gout of flame shooting from her mouth like dragonfire and igniting some of the paverstones of the road.

“It was stupid and I regret it, every day I regret it, I want to be with you, please don’t burn me Quirky, I was dumb and I made a mistake!” Noctilucent begged. “I know I deserved to be burned, but please don’t!”

Noctilucent found himself too close to Quirky now. His mane and feathers began to smoulder. The heat made his skin feel tight and dry. He closed his eyes as he was drawn even closer to the burning unicorn.

In the middle of the chaotic conflagration, Noctilucent felt two lips press up against his, and then, he was on fire.

He could feel the flames consuming him, his body having turned to flame. He was ignited just like Quirky was. She was burning him alive. Dragonfire poured down his throat as Quirky’s searing kiss forced his mouth open. He tried to breathe and found he could not, the very air all around him burned away. After a moment of panic, he found he did not need air. He felt the ground give way beneath his hooves, and he felt himself rising into the air, Quirky with him. He could feel her blazing body entwining with his, pulling him close as the pyroclastic kiss continued and the river of fire boiled down his gullet.

And then, as suddenly as the kiss had started, it was over. Noctilucent found himself pushed away by magic and set back down upon his hooves. He dared to open his eyes and saw Quirky landing on all fours, no longer ablaze. He checked himself over, and other than the fact that he was still smoking, smouldering, and had a few blisters here and there, he was remarkably intact.

“You burned me,” Noctilucent accused in a cautious frightened whisper.

“Look what you made me do!” Quirky cried.

“I am very confused right now,” Noctilucent confessed.

“You had better be!” Quirky retorted angrily.

“You kissed me, you did something to me. I was made of fire, like you,” Noctilucent said.

“I TOLD YOU I WOULD BURN YOU!” Quirky shouted. “And for the rest of your life you are going to walk a straight and narrow line or I will set you on fire again and I will not preserve you like I did this time. Consider this your ONLY warning!”

“That was a warning?” Noctilucent asked.

Quirky nodded tearfully, her horn still glowing a dangerous orange colour. “The last warning you will ever get. Cross me again and I will incinerate you,” she threatened.

“Wait, are we… are we… are we…” Noctilucent stammered.

“YES! Now shut up! I’m emotional and I still want to set you on fire for being so stupid,” Quirky said, her voice wavering with emotion.

Noctilucent looked around him. The sand all around them had been turned to glass, some of which still glowed as it boiled in liquid pools. The paverstones beneath his hooves were still hot.

“You are going to spend the rest of your life making up for what you almost took away from me,” Quirky growled. “Princess Luna may have part of you, but I am laying claim on the rest, you… moron! How could you!”

“I... look I-”

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!”

Noctilucent dropped his head, feeling very ashamed of himself.

“What is the name of our foal?” Quirky demanded in a volcanic rumble.

“I wanted to call her Pyrocumulus,” Noctilucent replied.

“I like that. Now shut up,” Quirky replied. “I am still angry at you.”

Noctilucent nodded, but said nothing. On a whim, he turned his head to see if perhaps his candles had be lit. He heaved a sigh when he saw that they still had no flame.

“Walk with me,’ Quirky said, taking off on trembling legs.

Noctilucent followed, thankful to be alive.

Author's Note

That was a lot of fun to write.

So, now we begin the long road of recovery, where we will deal with denial, anger, depression, a bit more bargaining, education, and Noctilucent finding purpose.

Oh, and now that the first real kiss with Quirky is out of the way, a bit of romance perhaps.

Let me know if I missed any tiepoes.

Chapter 26 (contents may be emotionally triggering)

Noctilucent awoke and became aware that there was a warm body in his bed next to him. He could feel Quirky’s spine pressed against his side. This was an odd way to wake up, because when he went to bed last night, he had been alone. Quirky was going to give the foals one last late night feeding and he had said goodbye. And now, here she was, sleeping soundly next to him.

A part of him tucked between his belly and the mattress below him stirred faintly. He lifted his head carefully from his pillow, leaned over, and sniffed her mane, drawing in her scent. She wasn’t in a position to protest, and she had crawled into his bed. Her body was warm and soft against his.

“Quirky?” Noctilucent whispered, aware that Cactus Blossom would probably hear him no matter how careful he was. He nudged her gently.

“Hmmm,” Quirky moaned.

The moan caused Noctilucent to have a very uncomfortable moment as he became aware of an intense and overwhelming feeling of sexual arousal. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He wrestled with a sudden need to mount Quirky and do unspeakable Shadow Noctilucent things with her body. He closed his eyes and forced the feelings out of his brain.

A warm and possibly willing female body in his bed was entirely too much temptation, and Noctilucent felt a sudden need to flee, just as he had from Merriweather. He looked at the closed door and pondered his next move carefully.

“Quirky, what are doing in my bed?” Noctilucent asked in a soft whisper, deciding to stay for the moment, even though fleeing was still an option.

“Trying to sleep,” Quirky replied, making no attempt to whisper.

“Cactus Blossom will hear you,” Noctilucent warned.

“So what if she does?” Quirky replied. She yawned and began to stretch.

Noctilucent could feel her taut body wiggling against his. There was a warm throbbing in his wings. “What are you doing here?” he asked, trying not think of all the terrible horrible pleasurable perverse things he wanted to do with every inch of her body right now. He felt a longing for her every nook and cranny, but especially her cranny. A part of him wanted to slip into her cranny to make her moan and stretch as she had done when she had awakened next to him.

“I didn’t want to sleep alone. I needed to be close to you,” Quirky replied.

“You… you… you tried to burn me last night and threatened to kill me!” Noctilucent hissed. “And now you are in my bed and you have no idea what I want to do to you right now. I am very very confused and conflicted. And very very horny.”

“Heh,” Quirky giggled. “I said those things in the heat of passion. You could start my fire again right now if you wanted.”

“Not funny!” Noctilucent grumbled as quietly as possible.

“If you wanted to do something to to me right now, I wouldn’t stop you. I can soundproof the room,” Quirky stated.

Noctilucent froze.

“I’ve never been with anypony before,” Quirky admitted.

“What?” Noctilucent asked in a very quiet whisper.

“I’ve never been with anypony before. Well, not exactly. It is true I’ve never been kissed. Rill and I… We did a little experimenting with one another. Nothing serious. We were both so lonely and she missed her husband and needed comfort, she needed a touch… we slept in the same bed together so often… and one day when Shady Patch was at school… oh please don’t think any less of me, I was just so lonely and we both hurt so much…”

Quirky’s body began to shake slightly and Noctilucent realised she was crying. Much to his own surprise, his sexual desire melted away completely. She was still on her side, facing away from him, faint soft sobs escaping her lips and making her barrel hitch.

“We didn’t kiss because we both felt that it would be weird. We tried not to even look at one another. It was just scratching an itch, because sometimes it feels good to have somepony else scratch an itch for you because doing it yourself doesn’t always satisfy,” Quirky confessed in a weeping whisper.

Noctilucent remained silent, unsure of what to say, having no experience whatsoever comforting crying mares who had snuck into his bed and slept with him unannounced.

“You told me your secret and I overreacted. I feel really bad about it now that I’ve told you one of my secrets and you’ve been so kind in reply. Do you want me to go?” asked Quirky as she sniffled.

“No,” Noctilucent whispered.

“I’ve already soundproofed the room,” Quirky confessed. “I had nefarious intentions when I crawled into bed with you. I had plans to seduce you once you woke up and make it up to you for scaring you last night. I even told Holly about my plans. If you took me right now, I wouldn’t stop you. Don’t you want to take me right now?”

“I couldn’t. You’re crying. And even if you weren’t crying, I don’t think it would be right. Not yet. I will admit though, for a moment, I really wanted to jump your bones,” Noctilucent confessed.

“Ponies can cry and have sex,” Quirky confessed.

“So attractive, runny snotty nose, lots of tears,” Noctilucent quipped.

Quirky laughed for a moment and then sniffled. “So even if I asked you to do me right now, you would turn me down?” she asked.

“Yes,” Noctilucent replied in a strained voice.

“Why?” Quirky asked.

“Because you are worth waiting for until it is special!” Noctilucent answered.

The weeping mare wiped her eyes with a foreleg and replaced the lost tears with fresh ones. She could feel Noctilucent’s warmth creeping into her back, and part of her wanted to feel him on her back in a much more meaningful way.

“Last night you tried to burn me and this morning you ambushed me in my own bed so you could get me to bone you, I don’t understand you,” said Noctilucent as he pressed his nose just behind Quirky’s ear and whispered, causing the mare to shudder as she felt his breath on the sensitive skin at the base of her ear.

“I don’t understand myself sometimes,” confessed Quirky, feeling a sudden rush of sexual arousal as Noctilucent continued to breath into her ear. “I was so angry at you last night. You did something so stupid. All I could think of was losing you. It scared me. I don’t know if I was just angry or afraid. I’ve exposed myself to you, I’ve let you in. I let Rill in and she’s gone. I want to be loved so badly that I confuse friendship and intimacy I think. I don’t know what I was with Rill. The lines blurred. And then she was gone. And there was no resolve, no closure, no figuring out where the lines were or why we drew them in the first place. And everything is broken now because I keep asking myself if I liked her in that way because I like mares or was I just desperate and I will never know or be able to talk to her because the stupid selfish bitch hung herself from a tree…”

Noctilucent did not know what to do when Quirky collapsed into grief stricken wailing mess. The sounds of her sorrow horrified him. He wanted to flee the room. Somehow, this scared him even more than the idea of sex… this was an emotional entanglement that he just wasn’t ready for. It was one thing to stuff a bit of flesh inside a pony and rub until it felt good, but it was a whole different matter entirely to see inside of another pony when they bared their soul to you.

“Part of me still wants you to rut me, even now, I feel so messed up sometimes,” sobbed Quirky as she covered her face with her forelegs. “I just want to feel close to somepony, I want to feel needed. I need to feel needed. Rill made me feel needed and then she abandoned me and I didn’t feel needed anymore. I felt betrayed, because I allowed myself to feel needed by her and then she stopped needing me. She didn’t give me a chance to talk her out of it. She didn’t need me to make that decision. She pushed me away and made it all by herself and I hate her for it.”

The room filled with silence which lasted for several minutes.

“I wish she hadn’t left me,” Quirky cried. “Please don’t leave me Noctilucent, I don’t want to hate you,” the mare sobbed. “I could make you happy if you would just let me… just need me… just take me right now and get it over with so we can both feel better. We’ll both get something out of it.”

The pegasus remained silent, unsure of what to say.

“Are you sure you couldn’t at least give me a pity rutting?” Quirky asked. “I need to be needed right now. Don’t you need me? Don’t you need a release? You wouldn’t even need to worry about my needs… just take me and let yourself go. It would make me happy knowing that you needed me. Please make me happy.”

“Quirky, I think I love you… but right now, I can’t do those things to you. You’re like me. Hurt on the inside. You don’t need a pity rutting. You need somebody to be close to you and hold you until the hurt goes away. I don’t know how to fix your hurt, I don’t know how to fix my own hurt, but I can hold you,” Noctilucent offered. “Wait… Quirky… is this why you took in Shady Patch? Is this why you agreed to teat feed Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus? To feel needed?” he asked.

The mare made no response other than the frequency of her sobs increasing in both volume and number.

Noctilucent raised one trembling foreleg, angled his body slightly, and placed his leg over Quirky’s barrel. He pulled her close, and rested his head upon her shoulder. “Let it out,” he whispered. He could feel her barrel rising and falling beneath him. She wriggled and writhed, trying to push herself as close as possible against him, and Noctilucent tried to comfort her, not really knowing what to do.

“Once we’re both in a better state of mind, I am going to make you mine,” promised Noctilucent, rubbing Quirky’s chest as he spoke. “I do need you.”

Noctilucent’s mind was full of thoughts and his head felt heavy. He thought about everything he intended to share with Dr. Lethe later in the afternoon. Princess Luna patronising him at the hospital. Quirky nearly burning him. Quirky in his bed. The enormous struggle that he had endured to not take Quirky up on her offer. Wanting to share his future with Quirky, and even naming a foal with the hopes that they could share her together. Even with all of her flaws, her hurt, he still felt something for Quirky, although he had some doubts. He did wonder if it was love or simply desperation and her being the first mare to really take an interest in him. Part of him didn’t care. She was the first mare he had ever been strong enough to be emotional with, and not run away. And for Noctilucent, that meant something, even if he didn’t understand the feelings associated with it.

He could see Quirky’s weakness as being a potential source of strength. She needed to feel needed, and there were foals that needed a mother. What Quirky needed was a healthy sense of being needed… and Noctilucent hoped that somehow, he would be able to lead Quirky to a place where equilibrium was achieved. The idea floated in his mind to ask her to join him in talking to Dr. Lethe and getting in a little therapy in as a couple, if Dr. Lethe would agree to doing that. Noctilucent couldn’t fault Quirky for feeling lonely and wanting to be loved.

He watched the foals, all of them. He loved them all. He didn’t know how to tell Princess Luna. The idea of dying now horrified him. He had come to the realisation last night when Quirky had nearly burned him. The only thought in his mind had been for the foals, all of them. He didn’t know if he could save them all, but he intended to try. He resolved to talk to Dr. Lethe about it first, and then speak to Princess Luna, hoping to broker some means of keeping them all. Princess Luna had promised to never take anything he loved, and he intended to force her hoof on the issue. These foals were all, in their own ways, just as broken as he and Quirky were broken. And these foals deserved somepony that understood their pain and didn’t just pay it lip service. Noctilucent hoped that he could be that somepony. He understood he wasn’t up for the task, not yet, but he had taken the first steps towards being the somepony that could do the job.

Spending the next ten to fifteen years making sure that each and every foal here had a fair shot at being happy in life and going out into the world as capable adults seemed like a reasonable price to pay for what he had done to himself, at least he hoped so, although Princess Luna and Dr. Lethe would accuse him of bargaining again. Committing himself mentally to the long haul didn’t seem so overwhelming, if anything, Noctilucent found it comforting. It felt good to finally have purpose once again after being so empty and devoid of meaning for so long.

He had faced the flames, survived, and like a phoenix from the ashes, been reborn. He was able to acknowledge his depression, accept that it was there, and move on. He was ready to move on. Nothing worth having in life was ever easy, and Noctilucent committed himself to a very difficult path.

Author's Note

Ugh, I didn't think I would ever manage to finish that. I had to restart several times.

Depicting extreme codependency in all of its ugliness was a bit more difficult than I thought. Quirky, a codependent pony, ran into Noctilucent, another unfulfilled dependent personality. Quirky doesn't know she is codependent. Noctilucent doesn't know he is dependent. Usually, codependents have the misfortune of being sucked into the wake of narcissists and then have their lives destroyed. Quirky had the good fortune to run into Noctilucent.

Next chapter will be a chapter of mostly dialogue between Noctilucent and Dr. Lethe.

Discuss below and feel free to let me know if I missed any errors. I probably did.

Chapter 27

“Dr. Lethe, all of the females in my life are troublesome for me,” Noctilucent proposed, opening the near daily dialogue between him and Dr. Lethe. “All of them. Even my two little filly foals. Even you. I can’t seem to catch a break.”

“Are you blaming females for your troubles or are you simply troubled by females Noctilucent?” Dr. Lethe inquired, scribbling something on a notepad as she did so, holding a silver pen in her grasping digit, pinching it against her central knuckle.

“I am troubled by the females in my life,” Noctilucent clarified.

“Would you care to expand on those thoughts Noctilucent?” Dr. Lethe invited. “What troubles you?”

“Dr. Lethe, before I begin, I guess I should confess, is it wrong that sometimes I want to be female? Sometimes I want to be female so I could be the kind supporting female sort that I’ve always wanted to look after me. Sometimes, sometimes more than anything I wish I had a pair of teats so I could be a good mother for Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus. And lately, with the female presences in my life being what they are, this feeling has been really strong. I’ve felt this way since I was a young colt and started becoming sexually curious. My grandmother made me so ashamed of what I was. From an early age I thought that if I was just a female, my troubles with rejection would go away and ponies would want me because females were desirable and males were just… wrong somehow,” Noctilucent stated.

Dr. Lethe raised an eyebrow. More and more she was becoming aware of these moments, curious moments where Noctilucent had a dramatic personality shift, becoming childlike or feminine. No sign of strong aggression though, which was puzzling. Even now, Noctilucent’s mannerisms were strongly feminine, his posture, his attentiveness of the two foals on his bed, all very feminine.

“Noctilucent my dear, there is nothing wrong with your desire to nurture and care, no matter how it might manifest. Ponies do sometimes transition their genders… but something tells me that isn’t what you really want, am I correct?”

“I don’t know what I want. I feel so very confused sometimes. I think if I were female, I would like it a great deal if stallions were attracted to me. I think it would be easier for me to find acceptance if I were female. I could be the sort of mare that I have always wanted in my life.”

“You had a troubling upbringing, and you continue to have troubles with the feminine influences in your life.”

“I am a little upset with Princess Luna. She… I… when I was in that room and after everything that was said, I felt like she had betrayed me. She talks of love and support but when I needed her, she patronised me.”

“Do you really believe that Noctilucent?”

“She did nothing to comfort me on the way home. She just sat in the chariot, saying nothing, looking at me like I was some sad lump, and I really hated her for doing that. She treated me like I was some kind of foal in the hospital and when I dared to make the suggestion that the doctor might be wrong, she patronised me and then gave me the silent treatment and I think I hate her just a little bit for doing that. Why would she do that Dr. Lethe?”

“I am not sure she did that Noctilucent.”

“And now you’re doing it! Just like she did!”

Dr. Lethe did not reply. She remained silent, refusing to be baited, hoping the situation would calm. She peered at Noctilucent and extended her shadow influence, trying to encourage a state of lucid near drowsiness that her unique shadow gifts allowed to her bring about in her patients. Noctilucent seemed to grow more and more resistant to her influence, and that troubled her. Nopony had ever had any kind of resistance to her before. When exposed to her shadow influence, ponies tended to bare their souls and speak of their most troubled thoughts, being in a near dreamlike state while awake. Dr. Lethe was unique among lunar pegasi. While all lunar pegasi were able to manipulate shadows to some extent, Dr. Lethe was able to manipulate the shadow within a pony, the dark and secret places. Her gift was as useful as it was metaphorical.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to be angry. Look, can we just change the subject Dr. Lethe?”

“What did you want to talk about Noctilucent?”

“I don’t know what to do with Quirky. She confuses me. I think I love her, but I don’t know how to deal with her. She scares me. Last night, I told her my secret, and she went off and nearly burned me alive, and this morning I woke up with her in my bed and she was begging me to, uh, do things with her and crying.”

“Quirky is a troubled sort. I am guessing she wanted to have sex with you?”

“Yeah. She cried and begged me for it, and I don’t know how to deal with her. I didn’t do anything to her other than hold her. How do you deal with a flaming unicorn?”

“The same way porcupines make love Noctilucent. Very carefully.”

Noctilucent laughed, unable to hold himself back. He chuckled for several minutes, unable to contain himself.

“You and Quirky could be very good for one another, or you could have a very toxic relationship. You are both fragile and injured.”

“I want to be good for Quirky. I gave Pyrocumulus her name because I have hopes of Quirky and I being together. I want to help her. I have plans. Would it be alright if Quirky were to join our sessions? I mean if she agreed to it?”

“I would have no problem with that,” Dr. Lethe agreed.

“I must confess, I really wanted to take advantage of her when she threw herself at me. I feel weak and ashamed at the same time. I hate myself for wanting to give in and just take her. I wanted to dominate her for trying to burn me the night before. Now that I’ve thought about it, I have sorta managed to scare myself. I don’t like feeling this way. I wanted to make her cry and scare her like she scared me. I felt savage. After calming down and thinking about it, I had some of my thoughts about wanting to be a female again. To not be male. I don’t want to actually hurt Quirky and I feel betrayed by my own brain. If we were both female, we could just be friends without all these sexual tensions being in the way. I think.”

“You don’t trust your masculinity?”

“Well, no… I don’t. I guess I don’t. I wanted to hear her cry while I tore her apart! How could I trust myself after thinking that Dr. Lethe?”

“Having these thoughts and acting upon them are two very different things my dear. To some degree, we all have these sorts of thoughts. They are a part of our being. Sex is just as much about domination and power as it is about making new foals. Would you like for me to be blunt with my advice?”

“Sure, why not. What is the worst that could happen?”

“Have hot sweaty sex with Quirky.”

“WHAT?”

Dr. Lethe raised her hoof and allowed Noctilucent to breathe for a few moments. She waited until he had calmed a little bit before continuing. “When the time is right, and you are both in a secure place within your relationship, spend the night together. Open yourself to her. Give freely of yourself. Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. I think if you give yourself a chance, you will find that you can trust your masculinity. Your feelings towards her will change. I believe that you will become very protective of her, and hurting her will be the furthest thing from your mind. Answer me honestly, have you ever once wanted to hurt one of these foals? Even when they are being especially trying?”

“Well, no. I couldn’t imagine hurting them,” Noctilucent replied, looking very thoughtful and pensive.

“You have a lot of pent up sexual aggression and need. You have spent much of your life being rejected, shamed, and diminished. What you need is a healthy outlet to develop your sexuality and grow as a pony. In short, you need to get laid.”

“You don’t think I don’t know that?” Noctilucent muttered in a low angry growl.

Dr. Lethe once again observed the behavioural and personality shift in Noctilucent. Even as she watched, the anger and sudden ferocity melted away, and he became more of himself again.

“I want to see Quirky pregnant,” Noctilucent blurted.

“I think all stallions want to see mares they feel attracted to pregnant Noctilucent. That seems to be a very healthy response.”

“I feel especially sexually attracted to Quirky when she is feeding the foals. Part of me wishes I was a foal again so I could be close to Quirky. I have all kinds of thoughts about it. I feel very conflicted actually about it all. Part of me wants to violently take her and have my way with her, and the other part of me wants her to mother me and let me suckle,” Noctilucent confessed, his white spots turning a lurid pink.

“So when you are in a comfortable position to express such thoughts with Quirky, ask her about it. It could be a very pleasurable experience for both of you, an intimate moment of bonding and many mares enjoy having their teats suckled in a sexual manner.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I think you would be surprised Noctilucent.”

“That isn’t perverted?”

“No.”

“I have a hard time believing that.”

“I assure you, many mares find teat-play to be quite pleasurable.”

“But teats are for foals.”

“They are also sexual organs that can be pleasured.”

“Does it arouse mares when foals suckle?”

“Sometimes.”

The room fell silent. Noctilucent was staring down at Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus, a befuddled expression upon his face. The stallion extended his good wing and wiped beaded sweat from his brow. The notion of his foals arousing Quirky ignited a terrible fire in his mind. Noctilucent couldn’t deal with the notion, so he pushed it from his mind and tried not to think about it.

“Speaking of foals, I have a problem Dr. Lethe.”

“And that is?”

“Princess Luna promised me to never take anything I love. Well, I love Biscuit. I love Graves. I love Arroyo. I love Cactus Blossom. I love Candy Corn. I love Sassafras. I want to keep them all. I don’t know if it is possible, but I want to keep them. I want to give them a home. I want to educate myself so I can help them. I don’t want to let them go. I think I can help them. I understand their pain and I want to make it better. I don’t know what I am doing, not yet, but I want the chance. Do you think Princess Luna would let me?”

“Are you talking about wanting to run a long term therapeutic foster home for the foals?”

“Is that what it is called?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes. I have started school to work towards that end.”

“I know.”

“As selfish as it sounds, I don’t want to lose them while I work towards improving myself so I can help them. I think losing them would wreck me.”

“So you have given over your entire life to try and help them?”

“They deserve better than what they have.”

“You surprise me sometimes Noctilucent. I will send word to Princess Luna and see if I can arrange a meeting.”

“So then you think I am capable of this?”

“Oh yes, I do. I intend to endorse this plan to Princess Luna. I think that it would be very good for everypony involved. And I know that the foals would be happy to have you as a caretaker.”

“I am really relieved to hear you say that actually. I had some doubts about myself. I still do. Especially after how I just revealed how much of a pervert I am. I thought you would lecture me about how awful I was and tell me I was unfit to be a caretaker because of wanting to play with Quirky’s teats and everything else I told you.”

“You don’t seem all that perverted to me Noctilucent. I’ve dealt with perverts. You are very tame and subdued in my experience.”

“And you honestly don’t think that Quirky would try to burn me alive if I was to talk to her about this at some point?”

“I think that Quirky would be very happy to hear that you desire her in that way if I were to hazard a guess.”

“Dr. Lethe?”

“Yes Noctilucent?”

“I find myself attracted to Quirky when she is on fire.”

“I am not entirely sure that is healthy Noctilucent.”

Author's Note

Gender issues.

Okay, who didn't see that coming?

Debate below.

And let me know if I missed any glaring errors.

Chapter 28

The hospital was full of ghosts. At least, that is how it appeared to Noctilucent. There were a few adults, but there were mostly foals. They were transparent, and you could see through them. They made no sound as they roamed the halls. Noctilucent realised that he recognised some of them, and many of them were dead. It was unnerving to see the dead populate his dreams. He hoped that he wouldn’t run into his grandmother.

“They can’t hurt you.”

Noctilucent turned to look at his feminine self.

“You are beginning to remember, instead of shutting them out and repressing them. Look around you Noctilucent, see where you can draw your strength from. Over there is the foal that died while you were reading. The one that pushed you over. Like it or not, these are the experiences that defined you. The others in your memories, all these ghosts all around you, these are all ponies that have made you what you are in some way or another. You have opened your mind to the possibility of being hurt… but also of the possibility of being happy. You can’t have one without the other,” She Noctilucent explained.

“You are getting better,” Shadow Noctilucent said. “You are taking your weakness and using it to make you strong. The ultimate adaptation to life.”

“I guess your probably sore about me turning Quirky down,” Noctilucent said to his shadow-self guiltily.

“Why would I be sore?” Shadow Noctilucent replied, his face serious.

“I had a chance to get us laid, and I pushed her away,” Noctilucent admitted. “I know I feel pretty conflicted about it.”

“Bah, bugger that,” Shadow Noctilucent spat. “There is only one thing more important than getting laid, and that is protecting what is yours. You protected Quirky. And she is yours. You looked after your own better interests. You don’t abuse the future mother of your foals, you selfishly claim her as your own and then you guard her from all harm, including any that you might do to her you horseapple headed pegasus twit.”

“I am confused,” Noctilucent said, looking around, trying not to look any of the passing memories in the eye.

“Rutting is good. Food is good. Both of those things are good. Anything that feels good is good. And you should do those things. But there are a few things more important. Like looking after your stuff. Protecting things that are yours. Defending your territory. Being a pegasus. If you would have slipped up and slipped Quirky the bone while she was in your bed crying I would have had to kick your sorry skinny plot all over this hospital wing and thrash you to the end of your psychic endurance,” Shadow Noctilucent said.

“But you are all about sex!” Noctilucent retorted. “You try to constantly manipulate and coax She Noctilucent into sex… everything is about sex to you!”

“Except when it isn’t,” Shadow Noctilucent replied. “Sometimes it is about guarding future sex. We protect Quirky now, we bond with Quirky now, we get a life time of sex we don’t have to go looking for. It sleeps in the bed with us, ready for us at a moments notice,” Shadow Noctilucent explained, looking impossibly smug as he spoke. “It also looks after our foals, strokes our ego for being a good protector, and worships us for being so damn good and handsome as well.”

“Ugh!” Noctilucent grunted, losing his patience with himself.

“Noctilucent, really, Shadow Noctilucent is telling you what you need to hear. It isn’t always about -ahem-... sometimes, sometimes it is all about protecting what we want to -ahem- so the object of our affections will reciprocate -ahem- out of sense of obligation,” She Noctilucent explained.

“So life is about manipulation?” Noctilucent asked.

“Well, yes, mutual manipulation, the promised exchange of something in exchange for something else. It starts when we are foals. We behave because we hope for a reward of good behaviour. A good foal gets a cookie. A bad foal goes to bed without dinner. So we learn to manipulate all those around us to maximise rewards. We are in turn manipulated by those around us. Quirky will manipulate you so that you will look after her needs, and you will manipulate her to have your needs met, and both of you will be happy if the exchange is fair for both sides. You provide her with emotional security, she provides you with -ahem-, and both of you benefit from the exchange,” She Noctilucent stated, her tone patient and matronly. “Love is a sense of desire to maintain that these exchanges are fair, sometimes even accepting a little loss to your own end of the deal just to make sure your partner is happy and continues the mutually beneficial relationship.”

“I see,” Noctilucent said, looking flummoxed.

“Not yet, but you will,” She Noctilucent quipped.

“Where is Little Me?” Noctilucent asked.

“Oh, he’s around. Might be playing with some of the memories. I sense no danger, so I know he is safe,” She Noctilucent replied.

“You are doing good Noctilucent. Be the pegasus I know you can be. Protecting Quirky took strength… and you endured. Luna is protruding into our mind, probably to give you pleasant dreams. So go enjoy them. Continue to find your inner pegasus,” Shadow Noctilucent instructed.

“I’ll try,” Noctilucent promised.

In the early morning hours, with Quirky gone, and Shady Patch off at school, Lethe was almost alone. A hazy image of Luna stood near Lethe, transparent, not quite a full blown manifestation, but real enough to take care of business.

“The program continues to go well enough,” Luna reported. “We have some new arrivals. Some of the others are also showing worrying signs of a break. Reality in their minds is becoming distorted as they dream. We need to learn more. We cannot have another doppelganger running around. The current one is worrying, popping in and out of other ponies dreams and looking for a weak mind to force itself into.”

“That is worrisome,” Lethe admitted.

“How is my beloved Noctilucent?” Luna asked.

Lethe sighed. “He continues to make progress… there has been a development and we need to talk,” Lethe answered.

“What?” Luna questioned.

“Noctilucent loves every foal in that orphanage. He is unwilling to let them go. I was worried about this. He wants to keep every single one of them. Raise them. He desires something like a therapeutic foster home environment, and this is why he has started school,” explained Lethe as she began to pace.

“You were worried? This is what I had hoped for! I’ll need to talk to Holly, see what she thinks, see if she believes Noctilucent is capable of running a home, if he has the right stuff. I think he does, but Holly has so much practical experience she can share and we can figure out what Noctilucent needs to work on. Give me some time, and I will turn the orphanage into a transitional home. But for now, give Holly a message, no adoptions. We’re keeping those foals together, and we need to let them know of the change eventually. Explain to them that they are to be a family. Maybe now the little waifs can begin some real healing,” Luna said, her projection beaming broadly as she spoke.

“I will do as you ask,” Lethe replied.

“What is your opinion?” asked Luna.

“My opinion? Noctilucent is a natural caretaker, it is a deeply ingrained part of his psychological profile. But he is also a flawed individual. A deeply flawed individual. If he goes into this alone, I worry for his ability to endure. He will break again. Noctilucent is deeply dependant as a personality. He is going to require constant reinforcement of his needs if he is to continue to function. He will require a great deal of nurturing of his internal self if he is to remain strong enough to serve. He has the potential for true greatness, but his handicap is proportional to his strength,” Lethe answered.

“You speak as though you have a solution already in mind,” Luna stated.

“I do… one has presented itself,” Lethe responded.

“Quirky?” Luna asked.

“Quirky,” Lethe returned. “She very nearly burned Noctilucent to a crisp when he told her his little secret. She became a fire elemental. She scorched him a bit, but preserved him from the worst of it. The next morning she was in his bed, begging him for sex. She isn’t well either, but she has the potential to be just what Noctilucent needs if she can be nudged along the right path.”

“I see,” Luna said. “Did our innocent paladin finally get bred?”

“No, he rejected her advances and tried to comfort her instead,” Lethe replied as she paced and stretched her wings.

“See, I knew it, he has the makings of greatness… throwing his life away would have been a tragedy. He just had to be shown purpose, even if he didn’t want to look at first,” Luna said.

“He has a long way to go Luna… a very long way to go. But you are correct. And I believe that you will be proven correct over time in a broader sense… Equestria’s strongest servants are to be found in the most unlikely places, and the Suicide Solutions Program will be a great boon to equine-kind. If we want to find ponies with the great strengths we need for social change and adjusting society to a new greater good, we are going to have to look for individuals with the greatest flaws and weaknesses. And then we are going to have to help them, whether they want that help or not, coax them through the rough places, mend them, find a way to shore up their weaknesses, and then prepare them to benefit society somehow. I fear I have become a true believer in this grand plan of yours,” Lethe admitted. “I had always believed that true believers were rather dangerous, but now I have become devoted to a cause so great that I can barely comprehend the full outcome, but I would defend it with my dying breath.”

“My sister is pleased with the results. She reads Noctilucent’s progress reports with great interest and eagerly awaits for the next one to arrive. Repurposing the broken elements of society appeals to her. She had doubts about my methods at first, but she has come around, mostly due to Noctilucent and his progress. My sister wants the program to expand and is applying a lot of pressure upon me to do so,” Luna reported.

“We must expand slowly and cautiously at first. We still don’t know the long term effects of using the geas on ponies in such a fragile state. Noctilucent’s psychic split is only one of the many dangers,” Lethe warned .

“I agree, and have told my sister much the same. But she is the eternal optimist, and she wants our ponies to get better… all of them, but especially those that hurt and suffer so much that it drives them to suicide. It causes her so much pain to watch her subjects stumble and fall in such a way. I think it reminds her of how I fell… I tried asking her about it, but she started to cry and fled from me,” Luna said.

“You know, there is another opportunity being presented to us here,” Lethe hinted. “With these foals growing up in a therapeutic environment, we can turn this foster home into a school as well… Graves and Cactus Blossom both have the potential to grow up and become great psychologists. Graves has a keen analytical mind and he understands pain. Cactus Blossom has her odd new psychic sense. Both come from unique backgrounds that would allow them to do so much good for others. They have hoof on experience with some of life’s most damaging hurts. We could shape their futures and do so much good.”

“Intriguing,” Luna replied.

“I would be willing to offer my services Luna… as a live in caretaker and instructor. You are going to need somepony with a psychology background anyway if you want this therapeutic foster home to work. Luna, we stand on the cusp of a great work that could benefit society in ways we can scarcely even imagine. The Suicide Solutions Program is only the beginning. It was a good start. But watching Noctilucent take so readily assisting others, it has given me visions of what the future might be. It has made me dream. To see one so weak take such bold steps when the right nurturing environment was presented to encourage them… Luna, we could do great things,” Lethe stated.

“I know Lethe. This is why we have dreams. We have much work to do,” Luna replied. “I have a list of tasks I need you to take care of for me before I arrive…”

Author's Note

Sorry for the delay, lots of irons in the fire. This was actually mostly done last night, but I got some sleep, gave it once over, fluffed some out, trimmed some away, gave it a final edit, and now I am releasing it into the wild.

Let me know if I left behind any major or minor errors.

Chapter 29

The sun settled on another day, and the dark sacred night began to creep up over the sky. The foals were out to play already, eager to be free of the confines of the orphanage. There was a noticeable change of mood in the orphanage lately.

Noctilucent looked down upon his charges, both of them laying on a blanket spread over the sand. Pyrocumulus was staring upwards at the stars, her eyes fully open and her slitted pupils wide. Shortbread Cookie was fussing, hungry, and waiting for Quirky.

Shortbread Cookie wasn’t the only pony waiting for Quirky. Noctilucent also awaited the pyromantic unicorn, who was off doing her rounds no doubt. He fussed and fidgeted as well, sighing constantly, and occasionally kicking a hoof into the sand. The sand was warm and pleasant to sit upon.

Noctilucent scanned the area, looking over his other charges. Sassafrass and Arroyo were talking about something, they were animated and excited. The griffon was making gestures as though she was plucking something and her wings flapped and fluttered as she babbled. Arroyo was unusually animated, his eyes flashing with keen interest, his face alive with movement, his mouth drawn into a broad smile. There was no doubt to Noctilucent that they were discussing music.

Graves and Cactus Blossom seemed to be having a discussion of some sorts, and Candy Corn was sitting next to Cactus Blossom, quiet, and rather reflective looking. Graves and Candy Corn occasionally shot a glance at Noctilucent, and he wondered what they were up to.

Biscuit was cuddled into a reclining lawn chair with Holly, listening as she read to him. Holly was stroking him as she held her book in her magic.

“Everypony accounted for,” Noctilucent announced to his two little foals.

From way off in the distance, there was the sound of laughter and music. Somepony was having a party it sounded like, and the sound carried over the desert sands.

Noctilucent looked skywards and felt the faint dull throb of depression in his mind. He wanted to fly again. To soar. To drift among the cloudbanks, weaving in and out of the white fluff, riding on hidden currents and feeling the air as it flowed over his sleek pelt. He craned his head to look at his wing and felt disappointed with himself. He quietly reassured himself that he would fly again.

Shortbread Cookie began to squall a bit and Noctilucent had to nose her to make her quiet down. She was small and warm against his muzzle, the soft hairs of her belly tickling his nostrils. Two tiny forelegs wrapped around his snoot and he could feel her barrel hitching as she cried. He could feel the rumble of her tiny stomach through his lips. She was small and incredibly fragile, a little bundle of delicate bones, some flesh, a bit of hair, and a thudding heart beat. All of it was incredibly precious to him. He flopped down on the blanket and rested the side of his face against her body. The pegasus smiled a moment later when she began to suck on his ear as she was prone to do. He could feel the tip of his ear being slurped on and it made his heart warm, every depressing thought about flying now forgotten.

It was hard to believe that he had almost killed himself. It was a difficult thing to think about. Had he continued to go on about his life, he believed it would have stayed empty and void. He never would have met these foals. Or Quirky. Taking the leap had brought him here. He didn’t know what to feel or what to think about the issue. Clearly he needed to be here, and leaping had brought him here. Had he done the right thing? He couldn’t imagine life as it was. He felt another warm body squirming against him and saw a flash of dusky orange in his vision. All Noctilucent could conclude was that he had needed help, and now he had it. He rubbed his cheek against his foals and felt a little better.

Clearly how he got here wasn’t as important to think about as figuring out what to do now that he was here.

The night felt strangely invigorating.

Noctilucent heard a squeal and raised his head. It was then he saw her. She was coming around the corner, pulling her wagon. He was on his hooves in a second, closed the distance, and gently nudged several foals out of his way.

Reaching out with his good wing, he pulled Quirky in by her neck, kissing her deeply. She resisted for a moment, not knowing what was going on, but then melted as he continued to press his lips against hers. It was wet and slobbery and Noctilucent didn’t really know what he was doing, but that didn’t stop him from trying all kinds of new things with Quirky’s lips.

Finally, he pulled away, leaving a very stunned and confused Quirky. “Foals are hungry," he mentioned as he headed back towards the blanket.

“They just kissed, didn’t they?” Cactus Blossom inquired of her fellow orphans, her ears still straining.

“Yeah, they did,” Candy Corn replied. “One of those wet messy kisses,” she added, smiling and blushing.

“I wish I could have saw that,” Cactus said sadly.

“It was disgusting,” Graves said. “The germs exchanged. Ugh, disease vectors…” the donkey shuddered as he spoke. “Yet part of me is very pleased that he finally did it. Blech.”

“Maybe it is because I don’t have lips… but I don’t know what the big deal is,” Sassafras observed.

Quirky unhitched herself from the wagon in the midst of all the comments being made, licked her lips, and shot off after the pegasus. “Oh no you don’t, you’re not getting away that easy,” she growled.

She pulled Noctilucent around with her magic, dragging him over the sand, and pulled him in for a kiss. A wisp of flame shot from her horn and the smell of something burning filled the air. She kissed the pegasus passionately but tenderly, one foreleg reaching up around his neck and pulling him closer.

“There is something vaguely comforting about watching the caretakers in your life showing affection,” Graves observed as the two ponies continued to smooch.

“I can hear it, but I can’t see it. Sounds juicy though,” Cactus announced.

“You foals leave those two alone and give them a much needed moment,” Holly chided.

Quirky finally pulled away and went over to the blanket. She eased herself down upon the blanket, nosing each foal as she did so, and then began to pull them both in to feed them. Noctilucent sprawled out beside her, a broad dopey grin on his face.

Noctilucent listened as the foals suckled, feeling his own heart thudding crazily inside of his barrel. “Quirky, I uh, well, there is something I was going to ask you, but I am going to tell you instead,” Noctilucent announced.

“What’s that?” Quirky replied.

“I was going to ask you to be mine, but I have decided to skip that step and avoid any chance of rejection. I love you and I want to be with you Quirky,” Noctilucent whispered into Quirky’s ear, making the mare shiver. “We’re both going to spend some time talking to Dr. Lethe, are you okay with that?”

Quirky nodded.

“I’d like to hear you say it,” Noctilucent urged.

“If it means keeping you, then yes,” Quirky agreed.

“So you want to keep me?” Noctilucent asked.

“Very much so, more so now that you didn’t take advantage of me when I was having one of my moments,” Quirky replied.

Noctilucent pressed his nose just behind Quirky’s ear and inhaled, breathing in the scent of slightly sweaty mare. She smelled like burning wood and salty sweat. He planted a soft peck on the bony bump behind the base of her ear and watched as Quirky trembled in response.

“This… this is really odd… I have two foals clamped on my teats and you giving me a case of the shivers Noctilucent,” Quirky whispered. “And the foals are watching us.”

Noctilucent pulled his head away and looked at the eyes peering at him and Quirky.

“Don’t stop on our account,” Candy Corn quipped.

“Don’t be shy,” Cactus Blossom encouraged. “I don’t hear making out noises anymore.” she muttered.

Cactus Blossom decided to take matters into her own hooves and carefully felt her way over to where she heard the sounds of the foals feeding. She sat down on the blanket and turned her head in the general direction of the two adults. “Now, I am going to give both of you a good talking to, and you are going to listen,” Cactus announced. “Stop playing around and get down to business. Holly, how long do most ponies court one another before deciding to settle down?” Cactus asked.

“About a week or two,” Holly replied, not even bothering to look up from her book. “Longer than that and it isn’t natural.”

“See, I rest my case,” Cactus Blossom leaned in and perked her ears forward. “Also, your sound proofing spell needs work,” she whispered in a very faint voice.

Quirky’s whole body turned pink, and then even pinker, until she was finally magenta coloured.

“I sensed that somepony needed comforting and it woke me up,” Cactus said. “Don’t worry, I don’t think anypony else heard anything.”

Noctilucent gulped.

“I am going to go and play now, so you two can keep making out. And stop dragging your hooves with one another, you are setting a bad example,” the foal chided. “Right now we are all watching you and learning from what you do, so no pressure,” Cactus Blossom said in a loud clear cheerful voice. She rose up, turned around, and carefully felt her way back to her companions.

“We need to set a good example for the foals,” Noctilucent said with a faint tremour in his voice, the barest hint of laughter. “So Quirky, do you want to be my mare?”

“So what level of commitment is this?” Quirky asked.

“Well, I uh…” Noctilucent saw the pleading look in Quirky’s eyes. Noctilucent felt his throat closing and he struggled to breath.

“Noctilucent?” Quirky asked.

Noctilucent struggled to draw a heaving breath.

“Noctilucent, breathe, the foals need you and so do I,” Quirky urged.

“Permanent,” Noctilucent gasped. “But we need to get some issues sorted out first. I don’t intend to ever let you go,” the pegasus heaved. He felt light headed and full of terror, wondering how Quirky would reply.

“Nothing would make me happier,” Quirky replied, closing her eyes. She lowered her head and rested it on Noctilucent’s foreleg.

“I don’t think I could have handled rejection…” Noctilucent breathed.

“I have been worried all day that I was going to lose you,” Quirky said. “After what I did. I was scared,” she confessed. “I nearly lost my mind. I stayed so scared all day. And then you came up and you kissed me…”

“I’ve been waiting all day to do that. I thought about it this morning when you came by. Things stayed kinda weird between us for the day after the incident. I talked with Lethe later that afternoon. Then I had a night to think about it, and then this morning I really did want to surprise you, but I just didn’t have the nerve, so I spent all day trying to raise up enough courage to do what I just did,” the pegasus confided in the unicorn.

“How could I say no after how patient you’ve been with me and that kiss? I mean, that kiss was smouldering. You looked after me during a very vulnerable moment in my life… and I think you are right. Some time with Dr. Lethe would be wise,” the unicorn replied to the pegasus.

The pegasus felt the unicorn’s head on his foreleg and realised that everything was starting to feel right with the world. He glanced over at the foals, and realised he was being watched.

Unknown to Noctilucent, there were two faint flickers on his cutie marks. The candles did not light, but the images there did shimmer faintly, reacting to destiny finally being acknowledged.

Author's Note

Let me know if I missed any mistakes in the final edit.

In a little while, there is going to be a much larger chapter than usual. Brace yourself.

Chapter 30

“Do you think he is capable?”

Holly did not reply to Princess Luna right away. Instead, she sat silently and carefully considered her thoughts, trying to gauge Noctilucent's abilities. The mare thought carefully about the pegasus that she was slowly growing to love; he was after all just another one of her foals, her wayward strays that she kept watch over. Holly watched as Princess Luna waited patiently for a reply, and the unicorn mare wondered what sort of answer Luna wanted to hear.

“Yes and no,” Holly finally replied. “Yes, he is capable of being a good caretaker. However, he is not capable of doing it alone. At least I don't think so. That is my opinion since you asked. There are moments where he is remarkably foal like himself. He is emotionally fragile. His moods shift occasionally. His own foal like behaviour makes him fantastic with foals. Surely you have seen how he dotes over the two tiny ones. Fatherhood comes naturally to him. And there is another issue I wish to discuss since we have brought all of this up,” Holly added.

“And that is?” Princess Luna replied as settled herself against the table and rested her forelegs upon the table's surface.

“I have long guarded my heart against getting too close to these foals. I have always held myself away from them knowing how much it would hurt to let them go. If you are going to establish a therapeutic foster home for our current residents, then I want to be a part of it. Noctilucent is going to need me if he is going to be doing this. I love these foals. I have grown very fond of this current batch... call me selfish if you will, but I do not wish to let them go,” Holly said, unable to look Princess Luna in the eye as she spoke.

“I hadn't planned on taking them away from you,” Princess Luna replied, trying to reassure Holly. “My intention was to have you in place as a director. My sister and I have spoke a great deal on this issue and there are going to be some reforms taking place on long term foal care for troubled foals... such as our current group of foals. Placing them into a family situation might be problematic due to some of the issues some of them currently have. The politicians are reluctant to spend more money, but for the time being I am funding this project from my own finances. I know you get a stipend now, which is not much, but it is my intention to move you into a salaried position as director,” Princess Luna explained.

The two mares regarded one another, Holly looking into the Princess' eyes now. There was a moment of unspoken understanding between the two, and Holly gave a faint nod.

“You know, I really don't care about the money. It has never been an issue for me. So long as my needs are met, I have a warm bed, a roof over my head, and something to eat, I am a content pony and will do whatever is required of me,” Holly admitted.

“I am relieved to hear you are on board with this project and that you believe that Noctilucent is capable,” Princess Luna said, restlessly tapping on the table top with the tip of her ornamental shoe.

“And what of Quirky?” Holly asked.

“What about her?” Luna replied with her own question.

“You do know that she and Noctilucent are engaged, right?” Holly asked.

“What?” Princess Luna said, her eyelids blinking rapidly.

“You didn't know?” Holly inquired.

“I knew they were dating and I knew it was serious, but nopony told me anything about them getting engaged... when did this happen?” Princess Luna queried, sitting up straighter and raising her head, her posture becoming one of interest and concern.

“Just a few nights ago. They plan to spend some time talking with Dr. Lethe before doing anything though. Which is probably wise, seeing as how they are both somewhat troubled,” Holly explained as a smile broadened across her features.

“I cannot believe he did it... he was the one who did it, right? This was not a case of Quirky roping him in?” Princess Luna asked.

Holly shook her head and continued to beam.

“Moon and stars, I was hoping this would happen. Well this is happy news. What do the foals think? Do they seem happy?” Princess Luna asked, now leaning forward excitedly over the table.

“The foals are ecstatic. I think they will be very happy to know that they are all going to be in a 'real' family soon. When do we tell them that we are keeping them together?” Holly replied, brushing a bit of her forelock out of her eyes as she did so.

“Oh, not yet. Not for a while. There are other things that need to happen before we can do that. Before I do anything or allow anything to happen, more needs to happen with Noctilucent first,” Princess Luna paused for a moment, looking very apprehensive. “There are a few things you need to know about Noctilucent before all of this takes place, but I cannot be the one to tell you… but you need to speak to him and ask him about why he is here,” Princess Luna finished.

“Look, I know what he did,” Holly said in a very low voice.

“How? Did he tell you?” Princess Luna returned.

“No, but he talks in his sleep. And Cactus Blossom isn’t the only one with sensitive hearing. I suspect several of the foals know. Graves and Cactus Blossom in particular. I don’t know everything, but I know enough. He cries about not having a mother in his sleep, did you know that? I suppose it is part of the reason I feel so fond of him,” Holly said, once again pushing her forelock out of her eyes where it had fallen again.

Princess Luna remained silent, unsure of what to say or how to even say anything. Her mouth opened several times as she started to speak, but then she fell silent and no words came out.

“Look, I don’t think any less of him,” Holly whispered softly. “He’s a pony. He has a few problems. We all do. When I was a filly on the verge of adulthood, I thought about doing it myself… even made a halfhearted attempt. The pain became a bit too much, and I stole some sleeping pills and a bottle of wine. I slept for several days. I woke up with a terrible headache and I was horribly dehydrated. I felt really stupid. It straightened me out though and I have done right ever since. I still think about what I did and the memory keeps me on the straight and narrow. It was learning experience for me and I think that it was the moment that I actually grew up,” Holly confessed.

“Thank you for telling me that,” Princess Luna replied weakly, unable to come up with anything else to say.

“We all have moments where we stumble, I think it is just as much a part of living as anything else. I haven’t taken part in many of the things common to most ponies. I have never married. I can’t have foals of my own. I didn’t grow up with a family. But I have tried to kill myself. Like it or not, that makes me belong. It is something quite a few of us have in common I suspect, even if we refuse to admit it,” Holly said as she looked Princess Luna in the eye.

Princess Luna slumped slightly in her seat, leaning on the table with her forelegs. Her ears splayed out sideways and her eyes narrowed.

“Sometimes, being close to death or having a brush with death helps us reaffirm life,” Holly said.

“Do you really believe that?” Princess Luna asked the mare sitting across the table from her.

“Yes. Yes I do,” Holly replied.

“I am not sure what I believe,” Princess Luna admitted.

“What we believe determines what we do,” Holly quipped. “I believe that everything has right to be happy and to be loved. Now, I can’t make everything better, but I can change the life of a few foals. And then I hope that the love I showed them affects them in a positive way, and they go out into whatever life they have and love others. Like ripples in a pond. Life hasn’t been kind to me. I was an orphan. I am barren. I suppose I have plenty of reasons to be unhappy. And for a long time, I was unhappy. I didn’t believe in anything. But then, a few things happened that changed my point of view, I matured, I figured out what I need to believe in to make life work, and over time, I found a bit of happiness,” Holly explained, pausing several times while speaking to blow her forelock out of her eyes.

“I believe that life is to be preserved at all costs,” Princess Luna announced in a low voice. “Everything else, I am not sure of. The world has changed much in my absence. Suicide was almost unheard of a thousand years ago. Ponies sort of stoically plodded on. Of course, lives were shorter too. Most were lucky to live for twenty or thirty years. Now they live for a hundred. I suppose back then ponies were too busy working, trying to survive, there was no time to stop and ponder if you were happy or if you were miserable, or to allow your thoughts to run roughshod through your mind. Now, now there is so much time spent idle. So much time spent navel gazing or staring down at your own hooves. And everypony is caught up in trying to be happy. And they are miserable trying to do it. Keeping up with their neighbors, purchasing goods they do not need, this obsession with staying young looking forever, so many thoughts and concepts have been introduced into society about what we need to be happy, but the pursuit of these things cause so much unhappiness,” Princess Luna said, elucidating upon her internal thoughts and sharing them with Holly.

“What you say has a lot of truth, but there are still some very simple ponies. One only needs to look at Noctilucent. He spends hours doting over his two little foals. And one only need to look at him for a moment to know that he is happy now. He was a miserable wretch when he showed up here. Now, he has that big dopey grin of his. And the bigger foals, he is a perfectly content pony spending every waking hour of his day with them. I have never seen a stallion more suited to fatherhood than Noctilucent. He was meant to be a caretaker. Life has been cruel to him though, just like it has been to all of us. Some of us get strong, some of us are left crippled. He’s been left emotionally fragile I think. I have spent my entire life around foals, and I can read them like a book… and Noctilucent is, for all intents and purposes, still a foal in an adult body. He’s a scared little foal that wants his mother, something I see all the time,” said Holly as she rubbed her cheek with her fetlock.

“And this is why you have endorsed him as a caretaker?” Princess Luna asked, leaning forward a bit more as she did so, looking at Holly intently.

“Yes,” Holly answered. “He knows what it feels like to be abandoned. To be alone. To be isolated. He understands the pain… the feeling. The hurt and shame of not being wanted. He makes those foals feel wanted. All of them. I would say this alone would make him uniquely suited to being a caretaker, but he has other qualities as well. I mean, sit down and watch him with Biscuit sometimes. He has conversations with Biscuit, even though Biscuit never says a word back. He spends so much effort trying to talk to Biscuit that he makes me feel guilty for not trying hard enough,” Holly said, her face forming a pained expression as she did so.

Princess Luna’s brows furrowed and her muzzle scrunched.

“Luna?” Holly asked, dropping any pretense of formality.

“Yes Holly?” Luna replied, her posture shifting slightly as she addressed Holly, looking more than a little surprised about being spoken to so casually.

“Would it be weird to want to adopt an adult?” Holly asked.

“What do you mean?” Luna replied, looking somewhat confused.

“Noctilucent is very much like the son I would have always wanted. I’ve entertained the notion several times now of claiming him as my own. I know this seems silly, it is one thing to say that you think of somepony as your own son… and while the words are nice and very touching, I feel there should be more somehow,” Holly admitted, looking down at the table, her mane spilling forward into her eyes.

“I think you should talk to Noctilucent about this… he would be very touched I do believe. I think you should tell him how you feel. Tell him you love him. I tell him that all the time. He didn’t believe me at first, but he has softened up a bit. When I tell him now, he gets the sweetest look in his eyes. If this is something you truly desire, and he is accepting of this idea, I will make it possible. I will give you the validation you so desire. You have asked for so little in return for all of your hard work,” replied Luna to Holly, who was hiding behind her mane. “Plus, I do believe it will be good for him to have a real family. He needs the support. I will say no more about his personal issues though, I do hope you will understand.”

Holly nodded, her eyes shiny with tears and barely visible from behind her mane. She wiped at her eyes with her foreleg and gave a trembling smile.

“So, this home we are planning will be very much like a real home I think,” Luna said in a voice thick with emotion. “A herd of ponies that have banded together to form a family. I wish every other venture I have had a hoof in turned out with as much promise as this has.”

“I think it would be nice for the foals,” Holly agreed. “They love Quirky. Quirky for all of her faults, is a good mare and has been nothing but good for Shady Patch and all of the orphans here. Lately, even more so. The foals are so happy watching two ponies that they love loving one another. It is changing them. Cactus Blossom hasn’t been so obnoxious as usual… she lives in constant fear of being adopted and taken away from Candy Corn. I suspect she hopes to have a place with Noctilucent and Quirky, and I can’t wait to tell her that she doesn’t need to worry anymore. She’s been remarkably well behaved lately. Well, remarkably well behaved by her usual standards.”

“Before Noctilucent came here I told him that he was going to fall in love with Cactus Blossom,” Luna stated.

“He has,” Holly replied, nodding slightly as she did so. “He loves her dearly and patiently deals with her antics. I think in time, she will level out and become a somewhat well behaved and well adjusted little filly. He’s already touched them all so much. Graves is becoming friends with Arroyo. Graves has been downright friendly by his previous standards. Sassy is content now and has her music, Arroyo shows a lot of promise with music as well, Candy Corn hasn’t been quite so shy, they have all changed already and I predict the changes will keep happening. It is like the foals have started to hope to again, even Biscuit has shown signs of improvement. It is though they just needed somepony to light their way.”

“Maybe somepony has,” Luna answered, thinking to herself about Noctilucent’s cutie mark. Only time will tell Luna thought privately to herself.

Author's Note

Sorry about the delay. Things have been weird.

And I have been distracted.

Let me know if I missed anything, I have combed over this a few times and I think I got most of the mistakes.

Now, we begin the upswing arc. Soon, we will be dealing with Merriweather.

Chapter 31

Quirky struggled to take in everything that had just been said to her during the past half an hour or so. She felt sick, out of sorts and she couldn’t imagine what poor Noctilucent must be feeling. He looked frantic, afraid, and ashamed.

She had felt anger at first, when it was first brought up, followed by a sudden sense of betrayal, but that had faded and quickly turned into other just as raw emotions. If she was having a difficult time, she realised that Noctilucent must be near his breaking point, and Quirky felt more pity for him than she did for herself.

“Noctilucent, how could… I mean… you… Noctilucent, I need to know how could... I help you deal with Merriweather?” Quirky asked haltingly.

Dr. Lethe watched the two ponies attempt to come to terms with the past and how it affected both of their futures. Noctilucent was nearly beside himself with fear and grief, and Quirky was clearly in shock. Yet she saw progress from both of them. The past two weeks had seen a tremendous amount of progress and these three-way sessions were proving most useful. Quirky seemed to have made a profound change, and Dr. Lethe observed that Quirky had started to ask how Noctilucent could have done such a thing, only to turn things around mid sentence to try and help Noctilucent. It was the sort of strength she hoped to see in Quirky.

Noctilucent looked up at Quirky hopefully. He was clutching a small stuffed pony and hugging it to his chest. He held it to him with one foreleg as he reached up with the other and scrubbed at his eyes with his folded fetlock. “Whew, for a moment there, I thought I was going to be overcome by my atelophobia… I was worried that this would be the thing that would make you hate me. I mean, I’ve been so scared of facing her but then realising that I had to tell you, I thought I was going to have a breakdown there for a while,” he confessed.

“I haven’t always responded well to things you’ve told me,” Quirky said guiltily. “This has been really hard on me, but you and I, we have come this far and we have made things work somehow, and somehow, we will make this work too. I… I… I don’t think you can face this all by yourself, which is why you told me I guess, and you need to be able to tell me these sorts of things and have me respond well if you want my help, and we are to trust one another,” she explained.

“Well, I see that two ponies have been learning… I am most pleased,” Dr. Lethe announced. “Noctilucent, it seems you have been paying attention to your lessons, and Quirky, you didn’t burst into flames or have a major outburst,” she added.

Noctilucent’s white spots turned pink while Quirky gave Dr. Lethe a satisfied half smile. Both of them exchanged a sheepish glance with each other and then looked at Dr. Lethe.

“Now all I need to do is talk to Princess Luna, find some means of going to visit Merriweather, and then apologise to her face to face,” Noctilucent said nervously as he fidgeted with the stuff toy he was holding.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Quirky asked.

“More than anything,” Noctilucent responded right away. “I… uh, there is no way I could do this alone. I accept that. If I want to do this, then I must be willing to accept help from others because all alone, I will fail,” he said as he squirmed uncomfortably. “It never gets any easier using I statements and admitting my faults. I always think that somepony is going to judge me for what I say.”

“It hasn’t become any easier?” Dr. Lethe inquired.

“No, it hasn’t,” Noctilucent answered.

“It goes back to your intense atelophobia-”

“I know, Dr. Lethe,” Noctilucent interrupted gently. “I have trouble with facing that because I have fears that I am not good enough to deal with that either.”

“It is a crippling anxiety disorder,” Dr. Lethe said soothingly. “And needing help to deal with it doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough… you are good enough to have a group of ponies who love you a great deal and will do anything to help you deal with it, and Quirky treasures you enough to deal with her own personal feelings so she can try to help you with Merriweather.”

“I can see that now,” Noctilucent said as he squeezed his eyes shut and clutched at the stuffed pony doll. “And that makes it even worse because before, I was only letting myself down when I didn’t feel good enough. Now, I feel like I am letting everypony else down, and the feeling is crushing me, it feels like it is going to break my back,” he whimpered.

Quirky watched the pony that she loved squirm from emotional pain and she felt an uncomfortable sense of restriction around her barrel. “You’re not the only pony who struggles with those feelings… just a few minutes ago I almost slipped up and said something horrible to you after you bared your soul to me. More and more I feel that I am not good enough for you. You need somepony loving and supportive and I almost lost my mind after you told me about your part in what happened to Merriweather,” she confessed.

Noctilucent’s eyes opened wide and he looked at Quirky pleadingly. “But you didn’t… you came through for me,” he whispered.

Quirky took a deep breath, held it for a moment, and then let it out slowly. “I suppose I did,” she acknowledged.

“And if you can get better, then so can I,” Noctilucent said in hopeful tones.

“And I think that we should end this on that hopeful note. This has been a good session,” Dr. Lethe interjected.

“I agree,” Noctilucent said with a nod.

“We’ll do this again tomorrow,” Quirky stated to the two ponies in the room with her.

Lethe watched as Noctilucent gave Shortbread Cookie a wedge of lemon. She cringed, every muscle in her body tensing up as the lemon wedge disappeared into the foal’s mouth and the foal suckled on the juicy bit of citrus.

A moment later, there was a cry from Shortbread Cookie after she spat out the lemon wedge.

“Oh come on Shortbread, lemons are nummy,” Noctilucent said in wounded tones.

Lethe shook her head. Some ponies. All of the muscles in her back tightened up as once again, Noctilucent flexed his poor judgement skills, giving Pyrocumulus a lemon wedge, which the foal foolishly accepted.

The lunar pegasus foal let out a startled cry that sounded like a tea kettle coming to a boil, emitting several shrill whistles and shrieks using her echolocation system after spitting out the lemon wedge.

“Oh come on! Why is it that nopony loves lemons?” Noctilucent said in a defeated voice.

“Noctilucent… giving the foals lemons… how could you? That’s awful,” Lethe said, unable to stay silent any longer.

“What did I do wrong? What is wrong with giving the foals lemons? Aren’t they supposed to try new things?” Noctilucent whimpered as he cringed under Lethe’s scolding.

Shortbread Cookie kept spitting and drooling everywhere as she rose up on shaking legs and attempted to escape her tormentor. Noctilucent pulled her back and stroked her with his good wing.

“Lemons Noctilucent… LEMONS! Nopony but you likes lemons. You gave lemons to Cactus Blossom too… a little blind filly…” Lethe scolded.

Noctilucent’s ears folded back against his skull.

“Hey, that was funny,” Graves said in Noctilucent’s defense.

“Why is it that I am the only pony that likes sour things?” Noctilucent groaned.

“Because you are not normal,” Lethe said gently.

Pyrocumulus hissed at Noctilucent, curling back her lips into a tiny adorable snarl. Her wings flared outwards as she puffed out her barrel and tried to look ferocious.

Noctilucent heaved a sigh and looked at his little foals. “You told me to get them to taste new things,” he said to Lethe.

“Yes, but who gives a foal lemons!” Lethe retorted.

“Giving foals lemons is a time honoured tradition of parents everywhere,” Holly said as she stepped into the room and came to Noctilucent’s defense. “How do you think I stayed sane with all of these little hooligans?”

“Holly, that’s horrible,” Lethe muttered.

“But it made me feel better,” Holly said, her words punctuated with a loud chuckle. “Nothing brightens up your day like watching a foal suck lemons.”

“But… I just wanted my foals to like lemons like I do,” Noctilucent interjected. “I wasn’t trying to torture them,” he stated, realising that he had inadvertently done something terrible to his foals, something Holly apparently took great pleasure in.

Holly snatched up a lemon wedge in her magic and jammed it into Shortbread Cookie’s mouth. The foal went crosseyed for a moment, puckered, and then spit the lemon wedge out. Shortbread Cookie immediately tried to flee again, her stubby little legs pumping as she waddled off. Holly hauled her back using her magic, and then gently patted the foal with her hoof.

Graves chortled and then guffawed, delighting in the foal’s suffering. He would have continued to keep laughing too, if Lethe hadn’t suddenly jammed a Pyrocumulus slobber covered lemon wedge into his mouth.

The donkey foal fell silent and accepted his punishment with as much aplomb as he could muster, chewing on the lemon as his face contorted unpleasantly.

“I am ashamed that I am enjoying Graves’ suffering,” Lethe confessed.

“Schadenfreude,” Graves muttered as he spat out the lemon rind. “The greatest word ever invented by the Germanes.”

“To take pleasure in the suffering of others,” Lethe stated. “What a terrible concept,” she added as she forced herself to eat the soft flesh from the rind of the lemon wedge as punishment for her actions.

“But I didn’t want them to suffer,” Noctilucent said.

“That’s because you’re innocent, dear,” Holly replied as she patted Noctilucent affectionately. “You just wanted to them to enjoy lemons as much as you do,” she said as she stuffed a lemon wedge into Pyrocumulus’ mouth.

The lunar pegasus foal let out another shrill squeal before spitting out the hated chunk of yellow fruit. She stood spitting and drooling, long sticky strands of slobber going everywhere and sticking to everything.

And then she sneezed, spraying yet more slobber, and Noctilucent felt his heart stop for a moment, feeling what every parent felt when their offspring did something unbearably adorable but also gross and disgusting.

“Hrrgh,” Noctilucent grunted.

“I have never seen a foal drool so much and I have been around too many foals to count,” Holly said as she surveyed the flood.

“I feel… damp,” Graves commented.

“Ugh, you got it in the face Graves,” Lethe observed.

“Oh, I'm well aware of the locations of multiple strands of slobber,” Graves deadpanned. One ear twitched and a gobbet of slobber dribbled to the floor.

“I am feeling a strange feeling of satisfaction from seeing Graves just sitting there covered in drool,” Noctilucent admitted.

“Huzzah, my life has meaning and purpose,” Graves muttered. The donkey foal began to wipe his face with his foreleg as he fussed wordlessly.

“Little Graves is so serious and stoic, and watching him endure such a humiliation is kind of…” Noctilucent said before coming to a halt, trying to think of the right word to say.

“Therapeutic?” Lethe finished.

Graves glowered at all of them and then gave a final wipe to his face. “I am glad I could entertain you,” he grumbled.

“See, there are always lessons to be learned, even from silly things like giving foals lemons,” Holly stated. “Life has a funny way of teaching you things. That’s something I’ve learned after doing what I’ve done for so long,” she added.

“I like it when life gives me lemons,” Noctilucent said as wiped away some slobber from Pyrocumulus and kissed the still spitting and sputtering foal on the head.

Author's Note

Yay! A new chapter!

Lemme know if I missed any typos. Danke.

Chapter 32

Staring hatefully at the book titled “Sexual Trauma,” Noctilucent decided it wasn’t much use. It blamed the victim and any sort of counseling was nothing of the sort. It was a list of behaviours the presumably female victim should avoid if they did not wish to be sexually assaulted again. The book, rather thin and completely useless, was filled with blame for the victim.

He tossed it aside with an equine snort of derision.

Some of his schoolbooks infuriated him to no end. It did not take much to make him angry lately. Certain things, mostly his schoolbooks, had a knack for setting him off and making him feel his inner pegasus. He snorted and took steps to calm himself, starting at one hundred and slowly counting backwards.

By eighty two, he was breathing steadily again and feeling just a bit sleepy, exactly how Dr. Lethe said he would be feeling. It was shocking how well this method of mental redirection worked. He sighed and pulled another book from the pile, knowing that he had a lot of work to get done.

He was nervous. So very nervous. Even after his calming exercise, the back of his mind clung to his worries. Princess Luna was supposed to be around later to talk to him. He hoped and feared it would be about Merriweather. Holly was acting strangely. Her usual laid back demeanor had been replaced by one of nervousness and worry.

Noctilucent hoped that he hadn’t done anything wrong, anything that might have upset her or offended her. He took a deep breath and began to count backwards from one hundred yet again as he felt his barrel constrict with anxiety.

The diamond dog known as Bloo Tic plinked away on a mandolin, Sassy plucked away on a banjo, and Arroyo strummed a guitar. Two of the trio were rapidly improving. An almost sibling-like relationship had formed between Sassy and Arroyo.

The music lessons had another side effect for Arroyo. The somewhat simpleminded colt seemed to be becoming a bit more functional. Since learning how to play the guitar, his speech had improved, his ability to relate to others, in short, learning how to make music had finally made him blossom. His friendship with Graves was also having an effect upon him, and Graves spent a great deal of time reading to the colt. Arroyo’s vocabulary had improved considerably.

Hunched over his schoolbooks, Noctilucent listened to the trio as they practiced. Beside him, Biscuit quietly sat, peering at his books and his writings, seemingly happy to be beside Noctilucent while the stallion worked through his boring schoolwork. In front of him was a book about the theories of emotion. The book was open to the chapter about cognitive theory of emotion, the page was about how physiological arousal happens first, and how the individual must determine the reason behind this arousal, the factors that caused it, and the associations with the various stimuli involved in order to experience it and label as an emotion. It was a difficult subject and Noctilucent wasn’t sure he understood it well enough.

A quilt was spread out a short distance away for Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus, the two foals watching everything around them with wide bright eyes while they lay side by side with one another. Quirky lay on the quilt with them, watching the music lesson as it happened, occasionally reaching out and stroking a foal with her folded fetlock.

By herself, Cactus Blossom danced to the music with unabashed abandon, totally unaware that ponies were watching her. Being blind had given her a certain sense of freedom because she couldn’t see what others thought of her with their facial expressions. Her dancing, if one could call it that, involved lifting a leg, shaking it wildly, and bobbing her head. After a few moments, another leg was lifted and given a shake.

Graves was curled up in a chair reading one of Noctilucent’s psychology primers, a book titled “Operant Conditioning: a guide by Mule Skinner.” The donkey looked too much like he was plotting or planning something. His brow was furrowed in deep concentration, his ears framed his face, and a worrisome smile was on his face, a manic terrible grin that somehow promised mayhem. Any smile from Graves was usually a cause for some level of concern.

In the corner of the room, Shady Patch and Candy Corn worked together on a colouring book, talking quietly, their friendship blossoming as time passed. Shady Patch was spending more and more time at the orphanage. Candy Corn wasn’t nearly as shy now, and was more than willing to chat with Shady Patch.

In the soundproofed kitchen, Noctilucent watched Princess Luna carefully as the alicorn made herself comfortable at the kitchen table. She folded one foreleg over the other on the table before her, her ears perked forward ever so slightly, and she leaned forward towards Noctilucent.

“There are a few things that we need to discuss with one another today,” Princess Luna announced in a soft soothing voice, taking note of Noctilucent’s nervousness.

Nodding, Noctilucent acknowledged Princess Luna’s announcement but said nothing. He squirmed in his seat and his good wing flapped around a bit in nervousness. He felt Holly stroke him and he calmed a little bit, but his breathing remained rather heavy.

“You seem so nervous lately,” Princess Luna observed.

“Working through a lot of issues in therapy. Feelings of inadequacy. Confusion over my gender… a worry that I am not worthy of being either gender… my fear of not being good enough. Plus, I have a big time psych exam coming up soon on all of the introductory stuff I’ve been studying… I am a very stressed out pegasus,” Noctilucent explained.

“Merriweather?” Princess Luna inquired, saying the one word that made Noctilucent almost lose it completely. “I know you are worried about the Merriweather issue. She has agreed to see you. She wants to see you. And as soon as possible.”

“W-w-w-w-why?” Noctilucent stammered. “After everything that happened… why would she want to see me?” he asked.

“She was actually quite relieved to speak with me about you. She has worried about you every day after what took place,” Princess Luna stated.

“What? Why? Why would she worry about me?” Noctilucent questioned.

“You will need to speak with her. It is not my place to tell you,” Princess Luna replied. “But in a few days, Gate Crasher and I will be taking you to meet with her. I understand that Quirky will be coming with us.”

Too stunned to reply, Noctilucent slumped down in his seat and closed his eyes. Emotional pain turned into physical pain and his stomach began to churn. He felt a little nauseous and dizzy.

“I am allowed to tell you that the foal is named Feldspar and he is a healthy well adjusted little foal who is quite well behaved,” Princess Luna said in a soothing voice of velvet.

Laying his head down upon the table, Noctilucent took a deep breath and tried to keep his feelings from overwhelming him. He took a deep breath and held it for several moments, until he felt as though his lungs were burning and he let it all out in a troubled wheeze.

“You’ve been dealing with a lot of depression lately, have you not?” Princess Luna inquired. “I mean, more so than usual.”

“He’s been a little more mopey than usual. He spends a lot of time in his books frowning and Quirky has been having some trouble getting him to smile or laugh,” Holly reported as she wrapped a foreleg over Noctilucent’s withers.

“You are getting better Noctilucent,” Princess Luna said. Her voice was steady, confident, a bare statement of fact, not speculation.

“I’m trying,” Noctilucent whimpered.

“You are not trying. You are doing,” Princess Luna stated.

Sniffling, Noctilucent nodded without lifting his head from the table.

“Second order of business… Holly has decided to adopt you,” Princess Luna announced. Her words were blunt and straightforward and caused Noctilucent to go immediately silent. No sniffling, no soft whimpers of sadness, nothing could be heard.

“You need a mother. A real mother. Somepony who loves you and that you know loves you. And the foals are going to need a grandmother,” Holly said, flashing a glance at Princess Luna as she spoke.

“What?” Noctilucent gasped.

“It has been decided that the foals are no longer up for adoption. All of them are to be yours, if you want them. Princess Luna has agreed to the idea of a therapeutic foster home. I am going to be the director. You are going to be a devoted father and husband to Quirky. And we’re going to make a family out of this mess. You are going to complete school. Dr. Lethe is going to retire and live with us,” Holly explained.

“I don’t know what to say…” Noctilucent whispered.

“You’re like the son I’ve always wanted. I love you a great deal,” Holly responded in a low voice. “We’ve already spoken to Quirky. She knows. She’s looking forward to motherhood. As of yesterday, she quit her job with the library and is now employed here. She wants this more than anything, she wants you, and I want both of you as my foals.”

The words were too much for Noctilucent in his emotional state. He began to weep, covering his face with his forelegs and trying to hide himself.

“Look, I know what you did to end up here,” Holly said. “You don’t need to be ashamed about it. Bad things happen to good ponies. But if you wouldn’t mind telling me, why did you do it?”

“Because I believed that nopony would ever love me,” Noctilucent sobbed.

“Did you believe that was actually true?” Holly gently inquired.

“With all of my heart. I’m not worth loving,” Noctilucent whimpered.

“So you made yourself believe in that and you lied to yourself,” Holly said, pulling Noctilucent closer, careful of his injured wing.

“It seemed true at the time,” Noctilucent said, trying to squirm away from Holly and failing. He grunted as Holly only squeezed tighter.

“Noctilucent, listen to me carefully. We believe in things that aren’t true because we’re scared about how our world might change if we found out we were wrong all along. Be honest with me. What scares you more? The idea that nopony loves you or the idea that somepony might love you in spite of all of all the things you believe are wrong with you?” Holly questioned.

“I dunno,” Noctilucent moaned.

“She is right you know,” Princess Luna said. “I believed that I was all alone and that nopony would ever love my night… because nopony loved me. I was so entangled with my night that when ponies ran and hid from it, I believed that they were running and hiding from me. I believed my own sister had turned against me because it was easier to believe in that to nurture the hatred growing in my heart. I needed to believe in it to justify my own selfish and destructive behaviour.” After she had finished speaking, Princess Luna looked ashamed and unsettled.

“I needed to believe that nopony loved me so I could convince… I needed to believe that… I had to believe that nopony loved me… it was the only way I could prepare myself for what I planned to do and not feel guilty… about doing it… it took a long time to make myself believe… I had to keep telling myself over and over… and it made what I had to do easier…” Noctilucent stammered, his voice hitching from emotion.

Beneath the table, unnoticed by anypony, Noctilucent’s cutie marks flashed once again. For a brief moment, flames flickered on the candles to be found on each hip. A golden glow shone forth. And then, the flames extinguished and and the candles returned to being unlit.

Princess Luna wiped her eyes with one foreleg and attempted to straighten herself out. “No matter how much we want it to be, a lie is never the truth.”

Author's Note

Next chapter: Merriweather.

Should be out within a week. Doing some last minute research about sexual trauma.

If you see typos, let me know. I'll fix 'em.

Chapter 33 (warning: rape triggers)

The chariot moved towards San Franciscolt, a major city to the north of Las Pegasus, with terrific speed. Gate Crasher, enchanted with a spell from Princess Luna, lost no strength in the sunlight and moved tirelessly towards their goal.

Throwing up once again, Noctilucent spewed over the side of the chariot, bringing the grand total to four times so far this trip. He wasn’t sick from motion sickness, but from nerves and the coming meeting with Merriweather. Quirky sat beside him in the chariot, trying to comfort him, while not at all comfortable with flying herself.

Flying beside them, but also a little ahead to avoid the streaming vomit, Princess Luna soared effortlessly, saying nothing at all as they traveled.

The air was cooler, and it felt good to be outside in the sun. Noctilucent was getting tired of the oppressive heat of the desert. Once he recovered himself, he sank into Quirky’s embrace and closed his eyes, allowing her to hold him. He felt his muzzle being wiped by some unknown force and he felt a little better.

This was a day a long time in the making.

They landed on top of a tall apartment building, the chariot setting down lightly with Gate Crasher’s skilled guidance. Princess Luna landed a moment later, and before her wings were even folded, was opening up the rooftop access door meant for pegasi.

Gate Crasher sat down near the chariot and pulled a novel from his saddlebags. He looked up the sun, hissed loudly, and then lost himself into his book.

As Noctilucent neared the door, he heard Gate Crasher speak.

“Good luck,” Gate Crasher offered.

“Thank you,” Noctilucent said in return.

“Don’t mention it, caretaker of foals,” Gate Crasher said in a grumpy voice.

It was Princess Luna who knocked upon the door and Noctilucent thought about running away to the roof before it had a chance to open. He pressed into Quirky’s side and made a nervous whimper.

There was a muffled movement behind the door, and then it opened slowly. Noctilucent peered out from behind Quirky, not sure what to think or say, completely at a loss for words or knowledge of what to do.

And then he saw her.

She was already crying a little. She moved out into the hall, shoved past Princess Luna, Quirky stepped aside rather hesitantly, and then Merriweather came to Noctilucent. Rearing up onto her hind legs, she wrapped both forelegs around his neck and squeezed gently.

After a moment of a quiet and confusing embrace, she let go and backed away, slipping through the door and then with a gesture, invited them all inside.

Once inside, Merriweather shut the door and showed them to a couch, where all three sat down and made themselves comfortable.

“Why don’t you hate me?” Noctilucent asked, unable to wait any longer or find a better greeting. The pain in his voice was obvious, heartbreaking for all the room, and even made Princess Luna flinch when she heard the emotion filled crack in his voice.

Clearing her throat, Merriweather looked at Noctilucent and then sat down in a chair. She drew herself in, pulled in her legs, and curled up in the chair, laying on her belly with her legs all folded beneath her.

“Merriweather, this is Quirky. I’ve told you about her. She is here to offer support to Noctilucent. Quirky, this is Merriweather,” Princess Luna said, introducing the pair.

The two mares nodded at one another, sharing one thing in common between the two of them, one common thing that defined both of their lives.

“I never stopped loving you,” Merriweather admitted. “Ever,” she added after a moments pause.

“But… what I did?” Noctilucent replied in stunned disbelief.

“I had a hoof in that,” Merriweather stated. “Look, my therapist requires me to be brutally honest about everything or it sets off cycles of self defeating behaviour that led me into downward spirals.”

“I know all about those,” Noctilucent said in a small timid voice.

“I went to that party with the intention of letting you have your way with me. I wanted you so badly. But you were so shy and sensitive. So distant. So when you started giving me drinks, I knew what you wanted. I played a little hard to get and I took those drinks, mostly for your benefit. I was young and stupid. I actually believed that if I was good and plastered, it might make it easier for you. That was the plan. I wanted you to take advantage of me,” Merriweather confessed, a few more tears now starting to trickle from the corners of her eyes.

“I lost my nerve,” Noctilucent said.

“I know,” Merriweather said. “I woke up in the middle of a nightmare. You were gone. Your friend… he was doing things to me… and those things continued for hours. I… well, I tried to fight back to make it stop. It made it worse. He became angry. He hurt me when I tried to make him stop,” Merriweather said, her voice becoming a bit reedy with pent up emotion.

“I’m so sorry,” Noctilucent said. “I feel so bad,” he added, floundering to say something meaningful.

“He finally let me go. He threatened me about going to the police. I went to the Cloudsdale hospital. Told the police anyway. Had to stay in the hospital for over a month. Fourteen different surgeries in total, all of them reconstructive, most of them on my anus and a few were to repair my shattered dock. He… he broke my dock… and then each time he took me, I could feel him grinding against my broken shattered dock… he… he punished me for fighting back,” Merriweather murmured.

The room suddenly became a little warmer and Princess Luna reached over and nudged Quirky softly. Quirky, snorting and struggling to breathe, took a deep shuddering breath and tried to calm herself.

“What happened to him?” Quirky finally asked.

“He went to prison for a while,” Merriweather replied to Quirky. “After I got out of the hospital and after I recovered, I tried to find you Noctilucent. To talk. To make some sense of what happened. But you skipped town.”

“I couldn’t face everything that had happened,” Noctilucent whimpered, squirming in his seat. He closed his eyes and began counting backwards from one hundred, hoping to find some sense of calm.

“There is a lot they don’t tell you about recovering from a rape,” Merriweather said after taking a deep breath, and letting it out slowly as she spoke.

“Like what?” Quirky asked, determined to see this through for Noctilucent.

“Like how to go on living day to day life,” Merriweather answered.

“I’d imagine it would be hard,” Quirky stated.

“They don’t tell you about what happens the first time you feel a little sexually aroused after you spend some time healing. They don’t tell you about the panic that it brings. The guilt. The shame. The pain. The panic attack that made me throw up in the shower. I felt the hot water hitting me and I felt just a little warmer than usual back there. And it set off a massive chain reaction that caused me to be checked back into the hospital because I tried to kill myself,” Merriweather admitted.

Noctilucent silently restarted his count backwards from one hundred.

“They don’t tell you that your therapists, almost all of them, and you will go through quite a few, will almost all blame you for what happened and will try to hold you accountable for what took place, telling you that you need to take responsibility for your own risky behaviour and the consequences. My first therapist triggered my second suicide attempt,” Merriweather said in a strained whisper.

“I’m sorry,” Quirky offered, now tearing up herself.

“They don’t tell you about the nightmares you will have. Or the fact that you will wake up in a state of total terror and panic as well as sexual arousal. They don’t tell you about all the times you will wonder if maybe you enjoyed it on some level and the guilt that it causes. They never tell you any of these things. At least I was never told these things,” Merriweather confessed.

Unable to deal with this on his own, Noctilucent found himself pressing into Princess Luna and burying his face into her neck. He felt a wing wrap around the back of his neck and head, pulling him close and comforting him.

“They don’t tell you that you will have moments where you will daydream about your rapist, even if you don’t want to do so. You will have fantasies… the shame of doing so will send you on quite a downward spiral. They don’t tell you about the first time you try to masturbate and the floodgate of emotions it will open. How you start to wonder if maybe you are sick because you can’t stop thinking about what happened and reliving it as you rub yourself off,” Merriweather said.

“This sounds like it has been very difficult to deal with,” Quirky said, casting a glance at Princess Luna and Noctilucent as she spoke. The blue and white dappled pegasus was sobbing profusely and it made Quirky’s heart flood with aching pain.

“They don’t tell you about the first time that you feel attracted to another stallion, just looking at them as they might go by, and all of the guilt, shame, and self rage it triggers. They don’t tell you how how you’ll feel if you have your first crush again after a rape, and the feelings of inadequacy it might trigger,” Merriweather stated.

Princess Luna pulled Noctilucent closer and tried to soothe the overemotional pegasus, who seemed quite inconsolable. “Merriweather, I know how important this is to you. Do continue.”

“They didn’t tell me that I would fall in love with the first therapist who really understood me and told me it wasn’t my fault. Nopony warned me about that at all. He knew. He understood. He knew all about my pain and he was the most perfect stallion in all of the world because he didn’t blame me and he knew all about these things they don’t tell you. And my infatuation set off a cycle of self destructive behaviours. Because he was the only one who understood, I had to have him,” Merriweather said in melancholy voice.

“Must have been hard,” Quirky said, struggling to find some way to acknowledge Merriweather.

“They never told me about how to recover from having your therapist tell you he can’t see you as client anymore, and how to mend a broken heart after the rape. How much more it hurts. I went out and tried to see other ponies. They never told me how nervous I would be bringing a stallion home for the first time, how scared I would be. Trying to be normal again. Those first few dates that seem to go so awkwardly and then you finally decide to take a chance and bring somepony home. And when things finally happen… they don’t tell you about the panic attack that happens when he finally kisses you. They don’t tell you how you will freak out. And because he doesn’t know what happened, he doesn’t know why you are freaking out. He’ll call you a prude. A cock tease. He’ll slap you once or twice, tell you to get your head together, and then he’ll storm out the door. And you will think about rape. You’ll think maybe you deserved it this time because you were being a cock tease. You’ll think maybe you owed him something and that there is something wrong with you. They don’t tell you that you will spend the rest of the night in the shower, crying, throwing up, feeling sexually aroused, and having fantasies about all of the ways that it could have gone differently, including being raped again,” Merriweather said in a hesitant voice. She fell silent after letting all of the words spill out, and she began to weep, her tears and words turning into sobs.

Author's Note

I couldn't write any more of this. Sorry.

There will be a second part soonish, I promise. This was awful to write, and it is the end result of several months worth of study about sexual trauma when I can find a moment or three. I'm really very sorry if it was difficult to read. It was difficult to study about it, and it was exceptionally difficult to write, so I decided to break it into several parts.

Let me know if I left behind any typos.

And as always, discuss everything below.

Chapter 34

For a moment, Noctilucent thought that he might throw up all over Princess Luna. He felt his guts twisting and churning, and a powerful wave of nausea broke over him, leaving him unable to do anything but lie there limply next to Princess Luna while he struggled to draw breath.

A ticking sound could be heard from a clock upon a bookshelf.

Too distressed to even count backwards, Noctilucent wondered how much more of this he could endure. He felt Quirky touch him, her hoof warm and soothing upon his skin. Her body radiated soothing warmth, and not the reckless heat of anger. He was beginning to know her moods by the ambient temperature around her.

“I never once blamed you for any of this, even during the worst of my depressions. You were far too fragile and sweet… this was all a tragic accident… a simple twist of fate… something went wrong and… and… and I still love you so much… I can only imagine how this must of hurt you then… and how hearing this must hurt you now,” Merriweather stammered.

“I tried to kill myself…” Noctilucent confessed, his voice a nasal whine.

Merriweather made a wordless sound of sorrow and stared at Noctilucent, wishing that somehow, she could comfort him. Her eyes darted to Quirky, then back to Noctilucent, and she saw the love in Quirky’s eyes. She swallowed, and said nothing, not knowing what to say just yet.

“The rape… and so many other things, they all brought me down. They laid me low. I shattered my own wing and tossed myself off of a cliff. And then a lot of things happened that I don’t even know how to begin to explain. I ended up in an orphanage working as a caretaker…”

Noctilucent fell silent, struggled to draw breath, made a few shuddering false starts, and then was able to continue…

“... I look after the foals. Princess Luna rescued me. She gave me purpose in my life. She found a way for me to be happy again. I’ve had to work very hard to get my life together. I see a therapist. I have a mare that is like my mother now. I have Quirky. I have Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus, two little infant foals that are my entire reason for living and I love more than any words could express. What I did to you tore me up inside. It ruined my life. The guilt devoured me from within and left me hollow. I… there is so much more to say but I don’t know how...” Noctilucent said, his words trailing off into silence.

“I want to know… whatever happened to the rapist?” Quirky asked. Her voice was quiet and silky, but something about her soft spoken words suggested violence and fiery death.

“Storm Score was released from prison… but he is not yet done being punished,” Princess Luna said. “The nightmares will continue endlessly until he finally relents and feels true remorse for what he has done. He has suffered like few others will ever suffer. He still holds to his pride, and because of this, will remain haunted. He will probably never know a restful night’s sleep.”

“You really love him.”

The words were not a question. Merriweather’s statement was one of fact. It was simple, direct, honest, and spoken directly to Quirky. Merriweather’s feathers ruffled and there were faint sounds as her wings twitched nervously. She couldn’t bear to hear about Storm Score and wanted to redirect the conversation, hence her statement to Quirky.

“I love him,” Quirky said. “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. To see him again, to still love him…”

“It is remarkably easy actually,” Merriweather admitted. “I love him, but to be totally honest, I could never make him happy. I’ve been celibate since the rape. I… I… can’t… there is one last hurdle that I haven’t been able to overcome. And to be totally honest, I do not think I ever will. It would be selfish and awful of me to even think about wanting to keep him just for the sake of having him around and not be able to make him happy… to physically express my love. But I also know that I will never be able to stop loving him. He… he was the one. I can see it in your eyes… you know what I am talking about. He’s the one for you too… so please, look after him. He’s fragile. He’s sensitive and honest in his affection… Noctilucent… I… you… Quirky… I don’t want to give him up completely. I don’t want him vanishing again and I can’t bear the thought of never speaking to him again… I… this is complicated-”

“There is nothing stopping us from all being very good friends. If you still love him, I understand. I am willing to share his heart with you,” Quirky said in a strained voice. “It would be cruel of me to keep him from you.”

The two mares lapsed into silence, studying one another. Princess Luna watched them both while Noctilucent was busy attempting to count backwards from one hundred yet again to try and get his overwhelmed emotions back in order.

“I just want to hear his voice from time to time. Or see him smile,” Merriweather whispered, breaking the silence. “Nothing else. I made peace with not having him quite some time ago in therapy.”

“We could support one another,” Noctilucent stated, losing track of his count and speaking his thoughts. “We could visit. You could visit. Maybe between the three of us, we could find a way to heal together.”

Offering up a weak smile, Merriweather nodded. “I would like that.”

“Where is your foal? Feldspar?” Noctilucent inquired in a raspy wavering voice that was thick with emotion.

“He is in school. I should be in school as well, but I took a day off just for today. He is the other male in my life that I love,” Merriweather responded, her words slow and carefully spoken. “I never blamed him for what happened. I thought I would hate him. I really did. I thought about giving him up for adoption. But then he was born. C-section. I was still too damaged back there for a healthy birth, and the pressure upon my dock would have been agonising. I was so scared and crying and having a nervous breakdown and then the nurse placed him in the bed with me. He was tiny and little and he just sort of laid there on my barrel… and I stared at him for several minutes not knowing what to do, what to say, what to feel. I finally worked up enough courage to touch him. I put a foreleg around him. And then I felt the love I wasn’t sure would be there.”

“I am glad… I am glad that he makes you happy,” Noctilucent whispered in a raspy voice.

“He is mommy’s perfect little gentlecolt,” Merriweather stated.

“I wish I could meet him,” Noctilucent said softly.

“I would like that. But not now… when he is older, more mature maybe, and can understand some of what has gone on. He knows nothing about what happened and I don’t want him knowing,” Merriweather replied.

“When he’s older, I look forward to meeting him,” Noctilucent agreed.

“So you tried to kill yourself… that makes me sad. I always knew you were too soft hearted for your own good,” Merriweather commented.

“I have been diagnosed with severe atelophobia. Is the fear of not being good enough. It is a crippling social anxiety disorder. I also suffer from dysthymia as well… it was never diagnosed or treated. It is a persistent but mild depression. If left untreated, it will become overwhelming when coupled with other disorders. I deal with both through aggressive therapy and finding something to give me a sense of self worth,” Noctilucent explained.

“Sounds like you’ve learned a lot about them,” Merriweather replied.

“I’ve enrolled in the University of Las Pegasus, in their psychology program,” Noctilucent answered. “I want to give a whole bunch of deserving foals a better chance. I intend to operate a therapeutic foster home.”

“I became a schoolteacher and you are becoming a foal psychologist. What a pair we are,” Merriweather quipped. “Life screwed us over and we’ve gone on to help others while still being broken ourselves.”

“Is it hard being a teacher after what happened?” Quirky asked.

Smiling, Merriweather shook her head no. “I work with young foals. Very young. I try to teach them manners, gentleness, respect for one another. The way I see it, rape prevention begins in the earliest stage of development. I go after the tail pullers and the ear tuggers and those little colts and fillies that are just a little too bossy for their own good, and then I gently redirect those energies into other activities.”

“Merriweather is being far too modest. She’s won several awards and is seen as one of our generation’s prominent educators. She specialises in foal development and behavioural management. She takes problem foals and turns them into well behaved foals with a focused sense of direction. She takes bullies and turns them into nurturing group leaders,” Princess Luna interjected.

“Too early to say that… the program has only been around for two years. The foals I take into my classroom do show a marked improvement for their empathy to others and turn into protectors rather than bullies… but it is far too early to say what will happen when they grow up,” Merriweather explained.

“This sounds like a fascinating program,” Quirky said as she stroked her hoof along Noctilucent’s spine.

“Nopony knows how it will turn out,” Merriweather stated. “Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight Sparkle have both given grants to expand the program.”

“And I have supplied the program with an army of psychologists,” Princess Luna said. “This aligns with my goals of preventing suicides. How many suicides are caused by bullies? By cruel and heartless behaviour? The preservation of life begins with teaching foals the value of life.”

“I’ve left a mess upon your neck,” Noctilucent whispered.

“I do not care,” Princess Luna said dismissively. “Love bears all things.”

“I feel really good about our meeting today,” Merriweather said. “I’ve dreamed about this. For a long time, I thought perhaps I was holding on to a fantasy… that maybe it was damaging behaviour… I thought about letting go of my hopes and just moving on. I’m glad I held on.”

“I am glad we met,” Quirky said to Merriweather.

“I am glad my nightmare is over,” Noctilucent murmured.

“Please… I really hope that you mean that we can be friends. That we will stay close. I want that more than anything else in life… just to know that you are okay and happy. If you leave here today and we never speak again, it will break my heart, Noctilucent. As it is, I already know I will spend each day fretting, wondering, worrying if you are actually going to contact me... write me a letter... come and visit me. I have no way of knowing if you will actually do what you promise… You are the only other male I still fully trust. Please, please don’t disappoint me,” Merriweather begged

“Don’t you dare disappoint her, Noctilucent,” Quirky said firmly.

“I don’t intend to,” Noctilucent whimpered, hearing the hard edge in Quirky’s voice. He turned his head to look at her and offered a supplicating smile. “I am so relieved. I mean, I feel so overwhelmed from so many emotions and it is going to take me forever with Dr. Lethe to figure this out, but I feel so much better. Lighter. Like I could fly again.”

“I feel better too…” Merriweather stated.

“Noctilucent, what did Dr. Lethe tell you to remind yourself after we made it through the worst of our meeting today?” Princess Luna asked Noctilucent.

“We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, and lose in order to gain,” Noctilucent replied, closing his eyes and reciting word for word the phrase that Dr. Lethe had him memorise.

“And what does Dr. Lethe want for you to do?” Princess Luna inquired.

“To reflect upon how this situation and that statement apply to one another,” Noctilucent answered.

“Very good,” Princess Luna praised.

“I’ve faced my fears, and this meeting wasn’t anywhere as bad as I believed it would be… I faced the hurt that I knew was coming, and I know I will grow from it. I am not sure about the failure part just yet. And I am going to need lots of time thinking about what Merriweather gains by letting go of me, and how this applies to me and my personal development as an equine,” Noctilucent said thoughtfully. “I am sure there are plenty of other things I will think of in time.”

“Would you three like some coffee now that we have reached some sort of resolution on this issue?” Merriweather offered. “I have tea as well. Or grape soda. Maybe now we could sit back and talk about happier things. I want to know more about Shortbread Cookie… and Pyrocumulus is what I think I heard as a name. And the other foals.”

“Coffee would be lovely,” Quirky replied graciously.

“I also have a pie in the refrigerator. Lemon custard. I knew Noctilucent was coming. I specifically requested that they made it sour,” Merriweather stated.

“Oh that sounds lovely,” Noctilucent said, a sad but hopeful smile spreading over his lips.

“Now I know for certain that you love Noctilucent…” Quirky stated.

“Noctilucent is the only pony I know that is happy when life gives him lemons,” Merriweather said, a faint hint of laughter in her voice.

“I like knowing that I am loved…” Noctilucent said in a barely audible whisper. “I feel so much better… I think I am finally starting to believe that I am going to be okay.”

Author's Note

Oh Goddess, that is over. Now I can go back to somewhat regular updates on this story.

I killed a lot of typos, but a few always slip through.

Chapter 35

“...so all of you are a family now,” Princess Luna said to all of the foals gathered around Noctilucent, Quirky, and Holly. “Are there any questions about what we have talked about or what Noctilucent did?”

“You were very brave to tell us,” Cactus Blossom said as she wrapped one foreleg around Noctilucent’s foreleg and gave it a squeeze.

“Do you feel better now?” Sassy asked.

“Yes, do you feel better now?” Graves repeated, the little donkey looking curiously at Noctilucent as he spoke, his long ears drooping down beside his face.

Sniffling, Candy Corn said nothing and wiped her snotty nose on Cactus Blossom, who let out a disgusted cry. Cactus Blossom squirmed and tried to get away from Candy Corn, but it was no use, so the foal resigned herself to being used as a tissue.

“So the bad pony that hurt you was you,” Arroyo murmured slowly as his brain slowly wrapped around the knowledge that Noctilucent had tried to kill himself. The pink colt heaved a weary sigh and shook his head. “Don’t do that again.”

“I don’t think he will,” Quirky whispered in a voice that sounded close to tears, raspy, low, and hitching slightly. “But Noctilucent needs all of us. He looks after you, but all of you need to look after him. He hurts inside, just like all of you do. We understand each other’s pain I think… so we have an obligation to help one another.”

“All of you are taking this much better than I believed that you would,” Princess Luna said as she looked down at the faces of all of the little foals around Noctilucent.

“I told you this bunch is exceptionally resilient,” Lethe remarked as she adjusted her glasses. “All of them has been touched by suicide or tragedy in some way. Each have been made stronger for their experience.”

Pulling Arroyo close, Holly stooped down and kissed him on top of his head, behind his horn, and in between his ears. The foal attempted to wiggle free, but Holly just squeezed tighter and refused to let go. “You’re mine now,” she whispered.

Hearing Holly’s words, Arroyo went still and looked thoughtful.

“Noctilucent, when you get a chance, I would like to speak with you privately,” Princess Luna said in a soft voice. “It is not a pressing need though. Spend some time with them and recover from this ordeal.”

Seated at the kitchen table, Princess Luna looked first at Doctor Lethe and then at Noctilucent. She smiled a soft smile, her features warm and friendly, and she felt a prickle of concern for Noctilucent, who seemed nervous.

“There is nothing to fear Noctilucent,” Princess Luna said in a reassuring voice. “You took some big steps… you dealt with Merriweather and you confessed what you did to the foals you now care for. You are doing well in school. It is time for you to know something.”

His ears splaying out sideways, Noctilucent smiled and began to look a little more confident. He lifted his head higher and his flat square teeth became visible as his smile grew into a wide grin.

“It is good to see you happy,” Doctor Lethe remarked as she looked at the happy stallion sitting at the table beside her.

Thinking about her words carefully, Princess Luna looked Noctilucent in the eye. “I feel that it is only fair to tell you… about your geas…”

“Yes?” Noctilucent replied, looking hopeful.

“Your geas… only existed for a short time after I rescued you to prevent future suicide attempts and to keep you from doing anything foolish in the hospital. It actually wore off in the hospital. After that, everything you did, you did of your own free will. You chose to live. You chose to do everything that Holly asked of you. You chose to be a devoted and dutiful caretaker. There was nothing compelling you to do anything. You have been free this entire time, and everything you have done has been by your own choosing,” Princess Luna explained. She reached across the table and patted Noctilucent’s hoof with her own and smiled a loving smile at the dappled pegasus.

“Oh…” Noctilucent gasped as he began to realise the power of suggestion.

“So you wanted to live. You wanted to get better. Everything you have done, it is something that you wanted to do. All of this was you. You made this happen. Your own desires made this possible,” Princess Luna said as she continued to give Noctilucent’s hoof a gentle patting, trying to ease the stallion through the moment of stunning revelation.

“Noctilucent, there was nothing stopping you from leaving this orphanage. You could have walked away at any time. You stayed because you wanted to get better-”

“I stayed because I found something worth living for,” Noctilucent interrupted, looking apologetically at Doctor Lethe as he spoke. “Thank you for telling me Princess Luna… I don’t know what else to say and I’m actually very happy that you did all of this for me.”

“You are getting better… Princess Luna and I both felt that after you finally told the foals why you were really here that you should know the truth,” Doctor Lethe said in a kindly voice.

“What about my cutie mark?” Noctilucent inquired.

Smiling an almost teasing smile, Princess Luna’s eyes twinkled. “That would be telling… I am sorry, but I cannot tell you that just yet. Suffice to say, things aren’t always what they seem. When your candles have flames again, I give you my promise that I will explain in detail what was done to your cutie mark.”

“That seems fair,” Noctilucent replied as he looked down at Princess Luna’s hoof, which was touching his own. “I feel better knowing that everything I did… I did it because I wanted to do it,” he admitted as he stared down at Luna’s silver shod hoof.

Mindful of his injured wing, Quirky pulled Noctilucent closer, her lips trailing up his cheek and along the edge of his ear, moving, creeping along in little nibbly movements. “You did good… you seem happier.”

“Speaking with Merriweather removed a dark shadow from my mind,” Noctilucent confessed as he wrapped a foreleg around Quirky’s neck and began rubbing his long neck against hers.

“Seeing you with the foals today… you were so brave and honest,” Quirky whispered, breathing into Noctilucent’s ear, making it quiver and twitch. Unable to resist, Quirky nipped Noctilucent’s ear with her teeth, making the stallion jump in her embrace. She held his ear, refusing to let go, and let out a seductive growl.

Feeling Quirky squirming against him in the bed, Noctilucent let slip a nervous giggle as his ear was tugged upon. He felt her tail swish up against his hind legs. He ran his foreleg down her sides, feeling her sleek coat and the muscles quivering over her ribs. Reversing his stroke, he ran his foreleg upwards until he was rubbing along her neck, and then he gave her a needy squeeze.

Unclamping her teeth from Noctilucent’s ear, Quirky moved her head to press her nose into the soft flesh under Noctilucent’s jaw. “Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus will need to be fed soon.”

“This is nice… just this… this moment together,” Noctilucent admitted.

Planting a little kiss and then pulling away, Quirky nodded. “Yes it is,” she whispered. “It’s been a long day darling… get some sleep.”

The hospital was now a soothing place, still full of ghosts, of memories, but these did not bother Noctilucent now. He prowled the halls, moving around, looking for the other parts of himself, hoping to find them, glad to have a chance to speak with them.

The ghosts, the memories, all of them seemed so much more solid since the last time he had seen them. They were practically solid now. He was making peace with these memories a little bit at a time, and he supposed that how he viewed them in his dream reflected upon his mental state.

Soft music was playing in the background, bland meaningless music that was common to hospitals. There were murals on the walls now… splashes of much needed colour. The world did not look so pale grey and sterile hospital green. The lighting had changed as well, the overhead lights now produced a soft warm yellow light instead of the cold glow he remembered.

There was now a receptionist at the nurses station desk and she chatted warmly with the memories as they passed, but she paid no mind to Noctilucent as he went by.

And then, he saw them. Shadow Noctilucent and She Noctilucent.

“Hello, both of you,” Noctilucent greeted. He looked around and realised something was missing. “Where is Little Me?”

She Noctilucent looked sad, but only for a moment, and then she offered Noctilucent a bittersweet smile. “Little Me is gone… he vanished while you bared your soul today and told the foals your dark secret. He said goodbye and then he was gone.”

“Where did he go?” Noctilucent asked.

Stepping closer, Shadow Noctilucent rapped Noctilucent upon the head, which produced a hollow sounding -conk- noise. “Up here, where he belongs. Eventually, both of us will go as well as you heal.”

“So I’m getting better?” Noctilucent inquired of himself.

She Noctilucent nodded.

Grinning, Shadow Noctilucent gave Noctilucent a prod. “The three of us have something we have to do. Come with me.”

“Where are we going?” Noctilucent asked.

“Out,” Shadow Noctilucent responded.

Stepping away from the two stallions, She Noctilucent moved near a door that shifted and warped as she approached. The door changed to a lovely sky blue colour as she drew close. She opened the door and a night sky full of stars lay beyond.

“Get moving,” Shadow Noctilucent said as he gave Noctilucent a not so gentle shove towards the door.

It felt good to fly again. Soaring through the night, Noctilucent looked down at Equestria below him and up at the stars up above him. The night air was cool, soothing, it caused him to shiver and tingle as he slipped through the chilly air, his wings only flapping occasionally as he glided on unseen currents.

“He’s out here, disrupting the sacred night,” Shadow Noctilucent said as the trio flew together.

“Who?” Noctilucent asked.

“The part of you that broke away. He slips from dream to dream, scaring foals. Princess Luna and her lunar pegasi hunt him, but they have no chance of stopping him," She Noctilucent replied as she glanced over at Noctilucent, who flew between her and Shadow Noctilucent.

Canterlot twinkled below, the entire city was ablaze with lights that pierced the night. Noctilucent began to feel afraid as he started to realise where they might be headed.

“Eventually, you are going to have to fight him,” Shadow Noctilucent stated in a determined voice. “You have to take responsibility for yourself.”

“I understand,” Noctilucent responded. He rolled, banked, and then leveled out, glad to be flying again, even if it was only a dream.

Shadow Noctilucent dived, suddenly breaking away, and Noctilucent was compelled to follow him. She Noctilucent dipped, her wings folding in for a moment, and then she leveled out.

It was the cliff… the place where all of this started.

Flapping his wings to slow down, Shadow Noctilucent prepared to land. Noctilucent followed Shadow Noctilucent’s lead, and She Noctilucent went streaking off to fly over the edge of the cliff.

Coming to a skidding halt next to Shadow Noctilucent, Noctilucent saw the place where he broke his own wing. He felt pain, real pain, and his breath caught in his throat.

Beside him, She Noctilucent came in for a landing.

“This is the transition point. You’ve done the hard part… you know the truth. The geas was a load of horseapples and I’ve known this all along. You became aware of it when you walked to the library,” Shadow Noctilucent said in a raspy growl. “No more excuses. You owe those foals and those who love you all of you and all of your strength as a pegasus. You owe it to yourself. Do you remember the dream? The tornado? Cactus Blossom?”

“I can’t forget,” Noctilucent answered in a fearful voice as he looked at his shadow aspect. He remembered everything about that nightmare, including the pain. He could feel it now, something impaling his side, a sharp stabbing pain that sent waves of agony through his barrel.

“Before all of this is over, your strength as a pegasus will be tested. Are you prepared to soar?” Shadow Noctilucent questioned. “You’ve seen how this ends already.”

“I don’t understand,” Noctilucent whispered fearfully.

“You will,” Shadow Noctilucent said as he turned and then kicked Noctilucent over the cliff. “Fly damn you! Fly!”

Flapping, feeling sudden pain, Noctilucent found that he could not fly, his wing was now broken in his dreaming state. He flapped and fluttered, still fighting, now struggling through the agony of making his wing move.

The world around him shifted, for a moment it was daylight, and he saw a city, but it wasn’t Canterlot. There was a foal held in his forelegs, the body felt cold, nearly lifeless. His wing didn’t want to work… panic overtook him.

And then it was dark again, the stars were overhead once more, and Canterlot was off in the distance. The foal in his embrace was gone. The ground was rushing up to greet him.

“NO!” Noctilucent shouted, forcing his broken wing to work.

Snarling in triumph, Noctilucent soared.

Author's Note

And now, we transition.

Lemme know if you spot typos.

I don't know if I can write the future chapters. I'm worried that my writing skill won't be enough to provide all of the subtle clues that are needed for what is to come. I'm kinda worried. So I just sort of fell apart and I've been deleting every chapter I've worked on so far. Anyhow, the story is now past the halfway point and approaches the conclusion. We've gone over the crest and it is all downhill now.

Hold on... and maybe reread the dream of Noctilucent vs tornado.

Chapter 36

The orphanage was quiet, or at least as quiet as an orphanage could be. Outside, it was raining. The desert, always harsh and unforgiving, had suffered a change of moods. Now, instead of being searingly hot and dry, it was miserably cold and wet. Inside, it was chilly, much colder than usual, cold enough that Holly had turned on the radiators, which filled the air with an ambient background noise of dings, tings, and the creaking of metal.

Some of the foals were napping, piled together on a thick quilt placed in the middle of the common room, and a blanket had been thrown over them. Shortbread Cookie and Pyrocumulus were among this pile, and both infants slept comfortably, kept warm by the body heat of the others. Shortbread was curled up with Shady Patch, the zebra foal that was Quirky’s ward.

Alone, in a corner, curled up with a large book titled The Enigma of Oleander, Graves was reading quietly to himself, his long ears framing his face as he peered down into his book.

Sitting in a warm spot near the radiator, Quirky was sitting with Cactus Blossom, brushing the foal’s unruly mane, and occasionally whispering something quietly into Cactus Blossom’s ear, which made the filly’s ear twitch and jump from the feeling of Quirky’s tickling breath.

Sitting at a long low table, Noctilucent sat doing his coursework for school…

Pulling his head back, Noctilucent looked up at the ceiling, glad to be looking at anything other than his textbook. Above him, as he stared, he could still see the floating ghostly letters of what he had been reading, a detailed comprehension exercise detailing the differences between positive and negative reinforcement.

It was almost more than he could bear.

To cope with his frustration, Noctilucent allowed himself a teeny tiny whinny. Looking around, in what he hoped was not a guilty manner, he checked to see if he had disturbed anypony or caused a foal to awaken… no? Good. Satisfied, he allowed himself to feel good about what he felt was his well deserved moment of venting.

Giving his head a shake, Noctilucent tried to get his mane out of his eyes, failed, then blew through pursed lips. He enjoyed the mane-free view for a moment, feeling very much like a clever pony, and then much to his dismay, his mane slid back down into his vision once more.

Hearing a faint giggle, he saw Quirky was looking at him, and it took him a moment to realise that the two things were related. He blew his mane out of his face once more, this time followed through by an indignant snort.

Now, Quirky was laughing, covering her mouth with her folded fetlock, and trying to remain quiet so she would not wake others. Feeling a faint prickling heat in his ears, Noctilucent looked away, thought about getting a trim, and then saw his vision once again become obscured by the long hair of his mane. Frustrated, Noctilucent nickered.

Truthfully, Noctilucent didn’t want to get his mane trimmed. He wanted it to grow long with the intention of getting it styled into something a bit more… feminine.

It hadn’t been easy, but he was making progress towards making peace with himself. He was entirely too aware of what existed between his hind legs, it was difficult but he was slowly learning that being gendered as a male didn’t make him inferior as he had once believed. Males weren’t inherently bad, or untrustworthy, there wasn’t anything wrong with being male, and Noctilucent was slowly convincing himself of this in therapy.

His penis and his testicles didn’t make him a bad pony. Males that did bad things didn’t do them because of their genitalia, or so Noctilucent was slowly coming to accept, they did them because of what was between their ears, not their legs.

It was a difficult concept for Noctilucent to tackle and there were many painful moments where he relapsed into old thinking.

It made it easier that Quirky and Holly both were completely open to the idea of his femininity being cultivated. Noctilucent found that he was incredibly grateful to the both of them. Quirky liked to spritz him with perfume, something that Noctilucent found that he enjoyed, and Holly had given him a little feel good gift of floral scented shampoos.

It was okay to feel a little girly.

Noctilucent wished that he would stop having those moments when he felt guilty and ashamed about it. Noctilucent was starting to see the pony he wanted to be, he wanted the guilt and the shame to go away… he needed them to go away… so he could feel a whole lot girly.

Completely lost in his own thoughts and contemplations now, Noctilucent had lost all awareness of the room around him, he was now off in his own little world of quiet reflection.

His sessions with Doctor Lethe were getting tougher and a great deal more difficult, even as they were also getting easier. The other day, he had posed a question that Doctor Lethe had not been able to answer, but had promised to discuss at another time in a future session. Could a stallion also be a lesbian? It seemed like such a ridiculous question, and Noctilucent had almost not asked it. It had only slipped out after much badgering and cajoling from Doctor Lethe and Quirky. It seemed like such a stupid question. More of a joke than anything, and Noctilucent cringed inwardly just thinking about the words slipping out of his mouth, unable to bear the shame of even asking.

Doctor Lethe had taken his question seriously though, which surprised Noctilucent.

Even more surprising, had been Quirky’s reaction, which was one of total support.

Which lead Noctilucent to one conclusion. Things were getting better. He didn’t have to keep going with how things were… that way had been the cause of his own attempted self-murder. Now, it was up to him to find another way, a different way, something that made him happy.

Continuing his contemplations, Noctilucent was completely unaware that he was happily humming to himself softly, the worried wrinkles usually on his face were now gone, his head was bobbing slightly, and his right ear was twitching in time to the tune that was subconsciously flowing out of him.

His mood greatly improved, Noctilucent returned to his schoolwork.

The afternoon brought slumber. All around him, ponies were napping, and Noctilucent let out a low whine as he yawned. Looking over at Quirky, he saw that the mare was sound asleep and using Cactus Blossom as a pillow for her head. Cactus Blossom was also asleep, her mouth open, her eyes closed, and one ear spasmed as Quirky inhaled and exhaled.

The room was warm, the sort of warmth that on a cold day, made you want to climb into a warm bed and go to sleep, to hibernate, to blissfully nap the day away. The radiators offered a humid heat, making the air moist, which made it much easier to breathe, a welcome respite from the scorching dry air that was the usual in this desert clime.

Alone with his books, Noctilucent continued to study, distracted as he was.

Holly was now in the foal pile in the middle of the room, buried under the blanket, surrounded by foals on all sides. Graves had given up the battle and had succumbed to drowsiness. He was alone in his corner, his head resting on his book, his eyes closed, and his little barrel rose and fell with the slow regularity that comes with sleep.

The sound of rain upon the roof was soothing, the soft sounds made by the radiators was almost a lullaby unto itself, and Noctilucent found that he was now struggling to remain awake.

The effects of positive reinforcement upon developing foals was nearly lost to Noctilucent as the stallion’s eyes closed for a moment, and realising that he was drifting off, Noctilucent came to wakefulness with a snort.

Feeling the need to swear, but not wanting to say anything unpleasant, Noctilucent allowed himself a faint angry utterance: “Peanut butter…”

Somehow, in Noctilucent’s ears, that didn’t quite sound like much of a sweary. Feeling guilty for having said something so stupid, Noctilucent cringed inwardly and wished he had said something else.

Holly could swear… the older mare had a colourful vocabulary, and Noctilucent had been exposed to it on a couple of occasions. Her soft demeanour and gentle words could vanish in an instant and she was capable of turning the air around her a bilious shade of blue. Holly tried not to swear around the foals, but there had been a few instances where all sense of decorum had been thrown out.

Like a few nights ago when she sneezed, which caused her telekinesis to hiccup and falter, which in turn caused her to drop a massive stock pot of water she was moving to the stove, flooding the kitchen. Noctilucent had learned a few new expletives that night. Cactus Blossom had immediately committed every word to memory, and Candy Corn had actually burst into tears from the curt, caustic, cranky, creative, casual, cursing that had slipped free of Holly’s lips.

So lost was he in his reverie that Noctilucent didn’t notice that Biscuit had slipped from the pile of sleepers and had joined him at his side…

Startled, Noctilucent felt a poke in his side. He looked down, saw Biscuit, and offered the little pale grey colt a smile. Reaching out with a foreleg, he pulled the colt closer and gave him a squeeze. “Hi Biscuit.”

“I’m scared.”

Letting out a squeaky snort, Noctilucent whipped his head downward to look at Biscuit, who had just whispered something. Words. Biscuit had spoke. Biscuit had said words. Yanking his head up, Noctilucent glanced around the room and saw that nopony else was awake.

“Biscuit, you can talk?” Noctilucent asked.

The little pale grey colt nodded once and then went still.

“You’re scared?” Noctilucent kept his voice at a hushed whisper, not wanting to wake the others. Perhaps Biscuit was talking because there was nopony else to hear him, Noctilucent didn’t know, but all kinds of thoughts and theories whirled through his mind.

The colt nodded again, but said nothing.

Realising that he was going to have to do this the hard way, Noctilucent tried to figure out why the colt was scared. “You were sleeping… I can still see the sleepy eye boogers in your eyes… did you have a bad dream?”

Once again, the colt nodded. “Yes,” Noctilucent heard him say.

More words!

Pulling Biscuit closer, tighter, and lowering his head down to speak into Biscuits ear, Noctilucent asked in a coaxing whisper, “What did you dream about?”

He could feel the colt shudder, twisting about, and then Noctilucent felt Biscuit’s face pressing into his side. He felt wetness realised the colt was crying.

“Biscuit.” The voice was raspy, creaky almost, a voice of one out of practice with speaking.

The colt’s name. An enigma. A mystery. Noctilucent felt his brow furrowing against his will as he felt a faint feeling of frustration creeping in upon him. He wanted to understand. “What, were you dreaming about you, Biscuit?”

“Mama gave me a biscuit.” The colt’s words were muffled and Noctilucent could feel hot breath against his pelt as the words were mumbled.

“Your mama gave you a biscuit?” Noctilucent asked.

He waited, drew a deep breath, and the moment stretched on. “Yes,” the colt finally said. Noctilucent could feel Biscuit’s small body convulsing with barely contained sobs.

“Biscuit, nopony else can hear you, and I shared my secret with you… can you tell me what happened?” Noctilucent asked.

Noctilucent heard the colt snuffle, heard a low wordless whine, and then he heard the colt’s raspy creaky voice. “There was no more food. Mama lost her job. She made two big biscuits. I was hungry.”

“Just let it out Biscuit, tell me what happened,” Noctilucent said after the colt had fallen silent. He wrapped his wing around Biscuit completely swallowed the colt away from the outside world.

“Mama ate her biscuit… I was gonna eat mine, but I saved it for mama. She went to sleep at the table and didn’t wake back up… I saved my biscuit for her so she’d have something to eat when she woke up.”

Feeling an invisible noose tightening around his neck, Noctilucent squeezed his eyes shut. He felt his stomach churn, there was a powerful moment of nausea. The colt’s voice was like paper or leaves blowing in the wind, but the impact it caused was like being hit by a train.

“I saved the biscuit for her.”

Struggling to get the words past his constricted throat, Noctilucent said, “You’re a good colt, thinking of your mama… you did good.”

“Biscuit.”

Waiting, waiting with baited breath, Noctilucent remained silent, hoping that Biscuit would say something else. Anything else. Just something. Unable to hold back any longer, Noctilucent wept.

Biscuit returned to his usual silence...

Author's Note

Biscuit.

If you spot a typo, please, by all means report it. I tried to incorporate a bit of new writing style into this chapter. Feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Thank you for reading, you folks are wonderful.

Chapter 1

Princess Luna and her loyal guard, her faithful companion in these endeavours, Gate Crasher, stood concealed in shadow, watching over the distraught pegasus they had been following for most of the evening. He had stopped at a cafe, a little hole in the wall type place in one of the back streets of Canterlot, ordered a cup of coffee and a slice of strawberry pie. He drank the coffee, ate one bite of pie, and then had left every bit in his possession behind as a tip before leaving.

And then he had gone.

He had roamed the streets for a long while, saying nothing to nopony, occasionally casting sad glances to those he passed by. Nopony seemed overly concerned about the sad looking figure. He went from place to place, his face grim and full of sorrow, as though he were looking for something, and perhaps, he was. But nopony seemed to care. Nopony seemed bothered by his condition.

At least, nopony that the pegasus noticed.

Feeling a pained ache in her heart, Luna observed the lone figure, feeling his pain, deeply concerned over his well being. All of the signs were there. All of the terrible disturbing signs. For too long, Princess Luna had seen events play out, seeing all of the disturbing signs in dreams, and then finally watching them play out in life, always a tragic ending. At some point, Princess Luna had experienced enough tragedy and now moved to actively prevent these terrible mistakes.

Suicides belonged to her. Princess Celestia had reluctantly agreed.

The lone figure now stood atop a jutting rocky protrusion, peering out over the several hundred foot drop before him. He wasn’t crying, or ranting to himself, or doing any of those worrying things. No, what he was doing was even worse somehow. He stood looking out over the cliff with his face full of silent resolve.

“Princess, I don’t understand something, he’s a pegasus, if he jumps, instinct is going to take over and he’s going to fly,” Gate Crasher said in a shadowy whisper.

“Be patient Crasher,” Princess Luna replied. prodding the burly lunar pegasus with a hoof.

The pegasus paced back and forth on the rocky edge, looking down, looking up, and finally over at a pile of jutting rocks. Looking determined, the lone figure strode towards the rocks, extended his wing, wedged it between two stones, and then rammed his body forward.

Princess Luna and Gate Crasher both winced and shuddered when they heard the sickening crack of bones splintering.

The lone figure moved once again towards the edge, peering over, and finally letting out one wretched cry, a heart breaking sound that made Princess Luna remember a very dark time in her own life, the point where she had thrown her own life away and something else had come along to claim it. And so many had suffered from that tragic mistake. Princess Luna had resolved to learn from the past.

“No you idiot, don’t do it!” Gate Crasher warned, knowing that there was no way the pegasus on the edge could hear him. Gate Crasher turned away, unable to look any longer, and felt a gentle touch of Princess Luna’s wing.

Bone was visible from the broken wing of the pegasus, there was no way he could fly with it being the way that it was. He stood at the edge, pacing back and forth, tossing his head around, steeling his nerve.

And then, he went silent and stood still for a moment. Without another sound, he stepped over the ledge, plunging forward into the dark night, falling downward towards the earth below, throwing away his endless potential.

Princess Luna cursed, causing Gate Crasher to blush heavily, and then took wing, moving to claim what had been so carelessly thrown away. She swooped through the dark night, dropping over the edge of the cliff, ready to take what was now rightfully hers.

Just before he splattered into the rocky ground, Princess Luna gathered up the troubled soul, cradling him in her dark shadowy embrace and singing to him a gentle loving lullaby as she put him to sleep, giving the troubled soul the much needed rest that he had been denied for so long.

Noctilucent became aware of a blue figure standing next to him. He was standing in a strangely familiar classroom. He turned to the strange blue figure, and with a certain sense of dread, realised he was looking upon Princess Luna.

“Noctilucent, such a lovely name you have. The world would be a poorer place indeed if you were no longer around to grace us with your beautiful name,” Princess Luna said, turning to look at him. “The clouds of evening. The clouds of twilight. Beautiful clouds that frame the sky of the recently departed sun and enhance the beauty of the evening. Night Shining in the tongue of my parents, from the old language.”

“What are you doing here?” Noctilucent asked, suddenly very afraid.

“In due time my precious Night Shining. Do you know where “here” is? Do you recognise this place?” Princess Luna asked.

“It looks familiar,” Noctilucent said, his eyes darting around.

“Wait, here we go, look right over there. Here is where everything started to go wrong for you,” Princess Luna said, gesturing with her wing.

Noctilucent turned and watched as he saw a younger version of himself slowly and shy approach a little white earth pony filly foal with pink and blue hair.

“No,” he murmured, knowing what was about to happen.

“If it is any consolation, she never found love either. You two would have been very happy together, but fate conspired against you,” Princess Luna said, looking sad.

Noctilucent watched as the younger version of himself slowly handed the filly a Hearts and Hooves Day card, and then asking if she wanted to be his special somepony. He couldn’t bear to look, and turned away so he wouldn’t have to watch her say “no” again and crush his dreams.

“Why are you showing me this?” Noctilucent whimpered.

“Because, you threw your life away, and I have claimed it. I am surveying what I have to work with. You, your body, and all of these memories, are now all mine. You carelessly threw away years of precious life experience and I have decided to sort through the trash and see if there is anything valuable to salvage,” Princess Luna explained.

“Get stuffed,” Noctilucent stammered, staring at the Night Princess.

Princess Luna laughed in reply, closing her eyes and throwing her head back. “If only you had used that courage to go on living,” she said, still laughing.

The scenery changed suddenly, Hearth’s Warming Eve. Noctilucent began to panic, knowing all to well what was about to happen.

“No,” he begged, closing his eyes.

“Silence, you are a non entity. You gave all of this up. You no longer have a say,” Princess Luna replied.

Very much against his will, Noctilucent’s eyes opened. He saw a younger version of himself, his best friend, and one very drunken filly passed out and sprawled on the couch.

He could hear the heated words between him and his friend taking place in this back room during the Hearth’s Warming Eve party. Angry words. His own best friend calling him a “coward” and laughing at him.

Noctilucent watched himself leave, fleeing the room, and knew what was about to happen next. He cringed. He had done nothing to stop his friend. Instead of trying to stop what had happened, he had fled, and the worst had taken place.

“If it means anything to you, you could not have stopped him. He would have snapped you like so much kindling and then still had his way with her. She recovered, just so you know. She was troubled for a very long time, but her foal saw her through, even though she had some trouble accepting the foal for a while. She came around. She was resilient and life went on,” Princess Luna said soothingly, gently touching Noctilucent with the tip of her wing. “She is now a school teacher that loves foals,” she added, a faint smile on her lips.

“I should have stayed and fought, even if I couldn’t stop it,” Noctilucent said guiltily as the scene faded away into grey nothingness.

“I am impressed that you left. You desired her. You wanted to stay. You wanted her very much yourself. You helped get her drunk, so generously giving her cider and mulled wine,” Princess Luna said. “Most in your position would have stayed, would have participated. But you had a change of heart.”

“I was wrong,” Noctilucent cried as the scene began to take on colour around him.

Noctilucent and Princess Luna stood in a crowded room, they were in a hospital, surrounded by foals, small sick foals, some who sat on cushions on the floor, others who had been wheeled in in wheelchairs, and others who had been rolled in in beds. Noctilucent whimpered as he saw the scene around him.

“And this,” Princess Luna began, “is the last time in your life when you had any measure of happiness.”

“No!” Noctilucent argued. “I was miserable! I hated doing it and that is why I quit! I couldn’t bear to look at them anymore…” his words trailed off into sobs as he spoke, unable to finish to his sentence.

“But this is the last place you felt like you had meaning and purpose. You took comfort in that. You were happy, deep down inside, it was the sort of happiness you had to be miserable and work for to experience it. In this room, reading this book, this was the last time you knew peace in your life. You made the decision to quit later this day, and so began the downward spiral that has taken you to where you are now,” Princess Luna said as the scene around them both faded away into nothingness.

“Am I dead? I remember jumping,” Noctilucent whispered, now floating in a grey void.

“No. I saved you. Right now, I am settling your body into a hospital bed. Your wing is going to require painful surgery to repair. You broke the ball off of your primary wing bone and it is lodged in the socket. You are hemorrhaging internally as a broken bone has severed an artery. I have recovered what you have so carelessly thrown away, and, I must say, I have found something of interest to me. You are mine. I will find purpose for you. And then you will do as I bid. You do not have a choice. You will not run. You will not escape. Even now, in the waking world, I am saying the words that are placing a powerful geas spell upon you, binding you to my will. Suicide is a terrible thing, to throw away such potential. Endless potential. I have seen into the center of your soul, and since you could not do what was best for yourself, I am now stepping in to do what must be done, because I love you and want what is best for you, my subject,” Princess Luna said, her voice imperious and commanding.

“So I have no say in this at all?” asked Noctilucent.

“No. You gave up that right when you stepped over the edge. Allow me to say this again… you are my possession. I have salvaged you. Noctilucent, somepony loves you, and wants to save you from the darkness,” Princess Luna said, gently taking him into a warm almost motherly embrace. She kissed him once on his cheek, and then everything began to fade.

Noctilucent slipped off into a dreamless slumber.

Author's Note

I dunno, I hammered this out in a fit of pique. I don't really know if it is good or not. It isn't really a dark piece, or it isn't intended to be. Or even just particularly sad. it it just is, at the moment, though the tags might change.

To be honest, I don't really have much of a direction for this story, just bare bones and a very skeletal outline with no flesh. I am not even sure why I wrote this out. Nothing else seemed to want to travel through my fingers and I had terrible writers block going on.

I didn't mean to start a new story, honest, but the new story started me. It would not go away and I had to get it out. Crap, now I am ranting in my own author's notes. Bugger it all.

Comments and feedback are greatly appreciated, because I have no clue where I am going with this current trainwreck of a story, and I am still greatly disturbed that I even hammered out the first chapter, not really having anything planned. Love some in depth critique.

Chapter 3

Noctilucent carefully went down the stairs, not sure what to expect. Most of the building was below ground level, and it was delightfully cool. The thick adobe walls kept out the blistering rays of the sun. The stairs led to what had to be a playroom, and there was some sand on the floor near the stairs. The foals followed Holly into another room, a kitchen, and then stood around her waiting for frozen treats. Noctilucent stood in the doorway, feeling quite unsure of himself.

The little donkey foal, Graves, lingered near Noctilucent’s hooves, looking as though he was going to die of boredom at any moment. “Savages, all of them,” Graves said in a low whisper. “And Sassy is the worst of them, she eats bugs,” he added in a disgusted whine.

“Sassy?” replied Noctilucent.

“The griffon. The horrible horrible griffon,” Graves answered.

“You sound a little depressed or something,” Noctilucent admitted to the donkey, looking down at him.

“I am surrounded by savages,” Graves retorted, looking up at the pegasus.

“You sound smart,” Noctilucent said, eyeing Holly, who was pulling out a big box of frozen fruit and getting ready to serve it.

“My IQ is higher than the average daily temperature,” sighed Graves. “I am smart enough to understand just how screwed I am growing up in this situation.” The donkey foal moved off to get himself a bowl of frozen fruit chunks.

Feeling apprehensive, Noctilucent went and sat down at the table, looking around, feeling like a foal on their first day of school.

“When your wing gets better, can you give me flying lessons?” Sassafras asked, sitting down next to Noctilucent.

“I guess, if you get permission from Holly,” replied Noctilucent.

“I hope you stay, Holly is all we have. Sometimes we get caretakers, but they don’t get paid, just get room and board and so they don’t stay long,” Sassafras said. Noctilucent was unable to read her facial features. A hard beak didn’t have many expressions.

“I have no where else to go,” Noctilucent admitted.

“Neither do we,” Sassafras replied, looking the pegasus in the eye.

A bottle of ice cold soda was slid in front of Noctilucent, with a straw thoughtfully placed down the neck of the bottle. Holly smiled, looking pleased. A bowl of fruit was slid in place a moment later.

He found his gaze drawn to Arroyo. The unicorn colt was pink. That had to be troublesome at times. He sipped from his straw, lost in thought, trying to take in everything around him.

His thoughts were suddenly shattered by an operatic bullfrog singing an aria, the sound echoing from the adobe walls, and Noctilucent found his gaze drawn to Cactus Blossom. He found himself smiling even though he felt awful, and felt an odd sense of gratitude for Luna’s warnings about the foal.

“Cactus! Say excuse me!” Holly cried, her voice indignant.

“Eggs scuse meeee!” Cactus Blossom cried in a roaring belch.

“Cactus! You little scamp! Stop that!” Holly begged.

The downcast donkey foal heaved a sigh of ennui and allowed his head to collapse upon the table. He sat, his chin on the table, rolling his eyes and looking as though he truly hated life. “I am going to suffer an existential crisis any moment now,” he muttered.

“What’s an exit dental crisis? Do your teeth runaway?” Arroyo asked.

Graves flinched as though he was struck and said nothing.

“This one time, Cactus borrowed Holly’s lipstick, and she put it on her plothole, because she wanted to find how much her plothole actually touched the floor, and then she went and left behind little red circles everywhere she sat,” Sassafras whispered behind her claw to Noctilucent, who sat horrified at what he was hearing. “Cactus didn’t tell Holly she used her lipstick though and put it back,” the griffon added, still whispering. “Candy Corn had to try and describe to her how much lipstick was on the floor. Poor Candy. Cactus does awful things to her and poor Candy is too kind and sweet to say no.”

“Monstrous,” Graves said, his head still on the table. “A pity her mind has turned to pure evil. Cactus’ brain has gone horribly wrong.”

A terrible thought occurred to Noctilucent. He was in over his head.

“I don’t want my teeth running away,” Arroyo whined, looking very worried.

“Arroyo, you’re stupid,” Sassafras snarked.

“I am not Sassy! Featherbrain!” Arroyo retorted, sticking out his tongue.

“Primitive screwhead!” Sassafras cried, throwing a chunk of frozen peach at the pink unicorn.

“ENOUGH!” Holly cried, right as the peach projectile bounced off of Arroyo’s head, causing the colt to cry out.

“Savages I tell you,” Graves muttered. “Exterminate all the brutes.”

“What?” asked Arroyo, looking confused.

“He said sumpin’ that rhymes with toots!” Cactus cried, leaning over and farting as she spoke, a dreadful squealing sound punctuating her words.

Seeing tears in Holly’s eyes, Noctilucent acted. He pursed his lips and whistled loudly, the piercing sound instantly silencing every foal in the room, causing them to sit quietly and blink in shock. Little ears flickered in discomfort.

“Thank you,” Holly said, sniffling. “They get a little rambunctious. They’re good foals though,” she added.

“No we're not, were awful,” Candy Corn said, now sniffling herself.

Noctilucent looked down, something was pressing up against his uninjured side. A pale grey colt was hiding his face against Noctilucent’s good wing. “Biscuit, right?” Noctilucent asked. The foal made no attempt to reply.

“Sometimes I get a tiny bit carried away,” Cactus Blossom confessed.

“Finish your snacks, and then it is naptime,” Holly said, causing the foals to groan in protest, except for Graves, who looked pleased.

The room was small and bare. Noctilucent’s quarters were deep in the basement, a storage closet turned into a small bedroom. It was almost chilly down here. The air was cool and refreshing. There were no windows, not down this deep. The sleeping room was just down a short hall, and Holly’s room was nearby. He could hear Holly’s hooves approaching behind him and he turned.

“I read the recommendation from the hospital and I was kind of touched. Spending all that time reading and spending time with sick little foals that are probably going to die. I don’t think I would be that strong,” Holly said, trying to engage Noctilucent in small talk.

“I am not so sure that I was either,” Noctilucent admitted.

“What do you mean?” Holly asked.

“I quit for a reason. It got to me. It weighed on me. They kept dying. I’d go and then there would be a face I was hoping to see and it wouldn’t be there,” the pegasus answered, looking a bit morose as he spoke.

“Yeah, but you went there, I don’t think I’d make it for the first visit. I don’t have that kind of courage,” Holly confessed. Holly paused, her ears perked, listening for sounds of trouble in the sleeping room.

“I don’t see how you manage this,” Noctilucent said, shaking his head.

“I was an orphan. I grew up in a place like this one. In Manehatten. I remember what it feels like having ponies give up on you. I came here to serve. I’ve given the best years of my life to these foals,” Holly said, smiling sadly. “I want what is best for them, I guess I don’t do much for myself,” she finished.

“I guess somepony has to do it,” Noctilucent agreed.

“The little tiny horseshoes on my backside say I was born to do this. At least, I think they do. Hard to tell. Meaning is what you make of it,” Holly announced, looking thoughtful.

The words seemed somehow profound to Noctilucent, who found his mind suddenly swirling with ideas and notions, wondering what meaning he had for his own life, and his own cutie mark. He had no idea what his cutie mark meant. It simply showed up one day. No big event, no nothing. It was simply there. And he had no idea what had caused it to appear. And now, part of it was missing. His fire was gone. He had no idea what his mark even meant, how could he restore what was missing? He was going to have to spend some time thinking about this.

“You alright?” Holly asked.

“Sorry, I started thinking, forgive me,” Noctilucent asked.

“So why did you choose to come here of all places?” Holly asked.

Noctilucent froze mentally, unsure of how to answer. He willed the jammed gears of his brain to work again, trying to come up with a reasonable answer. He found none. “I made some mistakes that I need to atone for,” he answered, partial honestly giving merit to his words.

“Mistakes happen, ponies will forgive you, the real trouble comes with forgiving yourself,” Holly said, looking thoughtful, and feeling happy to have another adult to speak to.

Forgiveness didn’t seem possible for a number of Noctilucent’s actions, and he knew this. Or, he thought he did. He shivered in the cool air, and marveled at how well this building kept out the oppressive heat.

“I am going to take this opportunity to take a nap myself,” Holly announced, yawning, which caused Noctilucent to yawn. She turned and disappeared into her quarters, leaving the door open.

The curious stallion walked down the hall a short ways and peered into the foal’s common sleeping room. A few cots had been placed in the room, and in the corner, there was a pile of folded up cots should more foals arrive.

The foals were asleep, or seemed to be, tucked under coarse grey blankets to keep out the chill in the air. A strange protective feeling settled over the pegasus, bringing with it a sense of comfort. He was a pegasus. This is what he was made to do. Stand watch. He quietly returned to his own quarters, stepping carefully on the shale tile floor. He slipped into his own bed, carefully so he wouldn’t bump his wing, and then rested his head on the pillow.

Sleep came quickly.

Noctilucent found himself in a vast green meadow. It seemed to stretch in all directions, a few trees offered points of interest against the horizon. He became aware that Princess Luna was standing next to him only after she had cleared her throat.

“Settling in?” she asked, tilting her head to look at the startled pegasus.

“I don’t know,” Noctilucent replied.

“Well, you are napping,” Princess Luna pointed out, a faint hint of mirth in her tone and laughter in her eyes. “Cactus Blossom treating you well?”

“She’s something,” Noctilucent admitted.

“I love that foal dearly. She is very much as I was when I was young,” Princess Luna confessed, shaking her head slowly. “I find it amazing my sister had so much patience.”

“What is wrong with Graves?” Noctilucent asked.

“Nothing is wrong, exactly. He’s just a very depressed little donkey. Donkeys in general have a lot to be depressed about. They don’t have a homeland any longer, they live here in Equestria as refugees, and Graves is a bit more aware than most about his situation in life, poor thing,” Princess Luna explained.

“So, I need to ask, why did you do this?” Noctilucent queried.

Princess Luna did not reply. Instead, she stopped her hoof down, crushing a flower. It lay on the ground, wilted and ruined, crushed down and nearly destroyed. And then, as the night blue and dappled white pegasus watched, the flower was lifted back up with magic, smoothed out, life and vitality slowly restored. Afterwards, the flower looked no worse for wear.

“That isn’t an answer,” Noctilucent said.

“It is the only one you have at the moment,” Princess Luna retorted. “You want a better answer, go find one for yourself.”

“I find myself hating you just a little for what you’ve done,” Noctilucent confessed.

“Good, that is a healthy reaction. I want you to hold on to that. I want you to resent me and strive to work against me. I want you to desire to be free,” Princess Luna said, sitting down in the green grass and sniffing the now restored flower. “Funny, it looks more beautiful and smells even sweeter after enduring a little adversity.”

“How long am I to remain as your bound servant?” Noctilucent asked.

“You are free to go at any time,” Princess Luna said. “I no longer have the power to break your bonds. I surrendered that.”

“I don’t understand,” Noctilucent said, slumping down as he too, sat down in the tall grass with the alicorn.

“At this point, the only pony who can free you from the geas is you. If you want to be free, you must find a way to recover yourself. I no longer have the means to release you. It would be monstrous had I held on to that aspect,” Princess Luna said while watching butterfly.

“But…”

“Did you just call your Princess a butt?” Princess Luna asked, interrupting, moving her head close to Noctilucent’s and nearly bumping his snoot with her own. She stared at him for a moment, until he blinked and turned away.

“You’re being so playful towards me, it is infuriating!” Noctilucent cried, unable to look her in the eye. “You keep being nice to me, feeding me ice chips, giving me water, finding a cup of butterscotch pudding because I had a craving, I feel so ashamed right now! I really want to hate you…”

“You are free to hate me, but I don’t think it will help you,” Princess Luna offered, prodding at a bee with her hoof and trying to shoo it away from Noctilucent. “You still have an awful lot of freedom. You are free to save yourself. As soon as you find a way to break the geas, I will let you run free.”

“How will I know?” Noctilucent said in a faint whine.

“Because I will command you to eat your most hated food, strained carrots, and you will not obey,” Princess Luna replied, laughing as she did so.

“So you cannot release me?” Noctilucent asked.

“No. I cannot. For all of my power, I am powerless to do that. You are bound by a chain of your own creation. You have all the power over if you want to be free from it or not,” Princess Luna explained. After she finished speaking, she lowered her head and began to daintily nibble on some grass.

“I am very confused and I don’t understand,” Noctilucent said.

Princess Luna raised her head and smiled, revealing green teeth. “Stop trying to understand. For now, try to heal. Spend some time doing what you do well. Your wing is broken in a physical and metaphorical sense. Until you heal, you must be looked after and kept safe. You are safe now, and all of your needs are being met. You are in a good place to heal. When you can fly again, you are free to go my little baby bird, free to leave the nest, and I know that you will not tumble once more to the earth,” Princess Luna said. She leaned over and gently kissed Noctilucent on the cheek. “I have other little baby birds though, so if you wouldn’t mind, please look after your nest mates while you recover. Some of them are hurt so much worse than you are, and I fear for their lives come later. Think about the hurt you suffered so long ago, and how it has led you to where you are now,” she explained.

Noctilucent started to reply, but an explosion of butterflies blasted him from the dreamscape and back into his own bed.

He awoke, gasping a bit, feeling an odd sense of panic.

Author's Note

The foals... are monsters.

What sort of horrible monster is Luna, subjecting somepony to that?

I can't even...

Chapter 15

“Are you real?”

Noctilucent looked at Princess Luna, who stood at his bedside. He was terrified that he was still dreaming. He was having trouble remembering exactly what he had been dreaming, as it was already beginning to fade, but he remembered enough to know that he was scared. He remembered one thing all too well.

“I am real enough,” Princess Luna admitted, pressing her lips to Noctilucent and kissing him as a flood of ponies were rushing into his room.

“What happened?” Cactus Blossom demanded, looking around sightlessly.

“I do not know what happened,” Princess Luna confessed.

“Are the foals safe?” Holly asked. As a unicorn, she had felt an awful disturbance without understanding what it was.

“Everypony is safe,” Princess Luna reassured.

“Noctilucent, talk to me,” Cactus begged.

“I’m alright, I think,” Noctilucent muttered.

Princess Luna leaned over the pegasus in his bed. “Sleep,” she commanded in a low whisper. “Do not dream.” Noctilucent’s body jerked from magical compulsion and he was asleep in seconds.

Even now, a part of Princess Luna prowled in the pegasus’ mind, looking for answers, as the other part of her stood watch over his bed.

“Cactus Blossom,” Princess Luna remarked. “There is something new about you.” Princess Luna pulled Cactus Blossom close. “You have a cutie mark. It is a little stuffed pony version of you. When you dream next, you will be able to see it. I do believe your gift is comforting other ponies. When Noctilucent came to you, you comforted him, did you not? Do you know what might have happened if you did not comfort him?”

Cactus Blossom trembled, afraid to answer.

“The part of him that makes him Noctilucent may have been lost to us forever. I took a big risk sending him to you. The shock was quite damaging to his mind. You held on the very thing that makes Noctilucent who he is, the pony that we care about. Thank you for keeping him safe and preserving him. You have a very important cutie mark,” Princess Luna said, pulling the filly foal close.

Cactus Blossom wished that she could see the smaller version of herself as a stuffed pony on her backside.

“You have button eyes,” Princess Luna said to Cactus Blossom, who smiled weakly at the news.

“Is he going to be alright?” Holly asked.

“Yes and no,” Princess Luna answered honestly. “He might be remarkly foal-like for a while. I think. Hard to say. I am still not sure what happened. He will be fragile, but I know that all of you will look after him.”

“Of course we will,” Holly replied. “I don’t understand what happened. He came home so happy.”

“Came home?” Princess Luna asked.

“He went on a little date with Quirky,” Holly explained.

“So he is playing with fire?” Princess Luna replied.

Holly smiled in spite of the dark situation. “He had a nice time with Quirky. Came home with a runny nose because that silly mare tricked him into eating habanero picante. He was happy,” Holly explained.

“So Quirky found a way to burn him, hmmm. And you say he came home happy? This is all so very odd,” Princess Luna muttered.

“You foals need to get back to bed. I know you’re worried, but you need your sleep,” Holly commanded.

“Go on, listen to Holly, I’ll be here watching over you all for a while,” Princess Luna added.

Far away in Canterlot.

Princess Luna stood amidst a room full of her most trusted guard, the fierce lunar pegasi, and the assembled guard all around her were the ones with “The Gift,” rare types who could enter dreams using their shadow magic. The lunar pegasi all seemed disturbed, agitated, and upset.

“I want to know what in Tartarus that thing was,” Princess Luna barked. “Some kind of doppelganger. I have never seen anything like it before. It was dangerous and just about mindwiped one of my subjects. I want it found. I had to banish it from Noctilucent’s mind. I could not find a way to kill it. It is out there right now, free floating through the dreamscape, a mere fraction of what it once was, and I want it found!”

“I am not sure we should try to kill it,” Lethe said.

Princess Luna looked the lunar pegasus addressing her in the eye.

“Well, it stands to reason that it might be an actual part of Noctilucent’s mind. Maybe not a good part, but we need to know more about what it is. It sounds like a schism. A fragment. A break. Something that snapped off when it could no longer manifest and drive Noctilucent towards destructive behaviours,” Lethe explained. “A schizoid break. Think about Noctilucent’s life up to this point. Solitary lifestyle, his secretive and avoidant behaviour, lack of emotions and warmth, and his total apathy which led to his suicidal behaviour. He is the textbook definition of ‘aloof’ and I’ve thought about adding his photo to the textbook I am writing. He had no connection at all to his fellow equines and a complete lack of the ability to see how his behaviour might impact those around him. And then this behaviour is no longer allowed to manifest and continue to bring about self harm. Perhaps part of his mind broke off and manifested in the dream realm. We need to study this.”

Lethe was an exceptionally well trained psychologist and one of Princess Luna’s most trusted advisors. The mare was old, canny, and seldom wrong. Her cutie mark was a Psi, the symbol of psychology.

“Anyway, I am announcing my retirement,” Lethe said.

“No, I need you, you can retire when you die,” Princess Luna retorted.

“No, I am old, it is time for me to retire, I think I will rest my bones in Mustang Springs for a while. I hear the medicated hot springs are nice,” Lethe said pointedly.

Princess Luna narrowed her eyes and stared at Lethe. “Perhaps I was mistaken. Get out of here you batty old mare, at your age, you are practically useless,” Princess Luna snarked.

The old mare nodded. “I know when I am not needed, I’ll show myself out, you heartless old nag!” Lethe became somewhat transparent, a shadow of her former self, and then vanished completely, disappearing from the room, having dove into shadow and traveled along unseen planes, the thin shadowy places in between reality.

Other lunar pegasi were already studying Luna’s memories, sprawled on cushions, lost within the dreaming realms, looking for answers or details that Luna might have missed.

Princess Luna began to disperse more of herself into the dream realm, and poured more of her will into the version of her standing watch at Noctilucent’s bedside. If something came back, she wanted to be prepared.

Noctilucent wandered around in a slight daze, having awoke just before dawn. Princess Luna followed him around the building, worried, acting more like a mother hen than anything else. His mood had improved considerably when Shortbread Cookie had been slung around his neck, the foal having a calming effect on the troubled pegasus.

Both Holly and Princess Luna hoped that Quirky would have a positive effect when she stopped by for a feeding.

The foal fussed, hungry and knowing something was wrong with her caretaker, she squealed and cried a bit.

Graves, something of an early riser, had awoken first, as he usually did, and sat in the common room watching Noctilucent, looking worried. He occasionally watched Holly in the kitchen, who was fixing breakfast.

“You pulled him out of his own mind?” Graves asked suddenly.

“I had to,” Princess Luna replied, turning to look at Graves. “I had no other choice. I was faced with an impossible decision and I had to remove him to keep him safe.”

“I wish I understood more about what happened,” Graves muttered in dour tones. “This is difficult for me to comprehend.’’

“Graves, given time and maturity, you could be one of the few who would really have a solid grasp on what has taken place. You have a fine mind. Continue to develop it,” Princess Luna said to the donkey foal.

There was a soft rapping from the front door.

“Quirky,” Graves said, trotting off to the front door to get it and let her in.

Only it wasn’t Quirky.

“Hello Graves, you absurdly cheerful little extravert. Is the antisocial alicorn with a maternal fixation and photophobia here?”

“Princess Luna, I think it is for you,” Graves said, a faint smile on his lips.

“Lethe, how could you,” Princess Luna protested as the lunar pegasi came down the steps. “I have been a lot better about my fear of the light,” the alicorn pouted, her lip protruding.

“Noctilucent,” Lethe said in greeting to the pegasus. “I am Lethe. I just retired. I am planning on doing a bit of volunteering around here.”

“Wonderful,” Holly cried from the kitchen. “Help is always appreciated. How have you been Lethe?”

“Well, after so many years of faithful service, I was callously sacked,” Lethe replied, moving her large body through the kitchen door and looking for the coffee maker.

“I did not sack you, you retired,” Princess Luna argued into the kitchen.

“You called me ‘batty’ you obsessive compulsive control freak,” Lethe retorted from the kitchen.

Graves began to chortle.

“Very rude, calling a lunar pegasi a ‘bat pony’ or other bat-isms. You don’t call solar pegasi ‘bird pony’ or any other silly names like that,” Lethe continued her protest.

“Yeah,” Noctilucent muttered, sounding slightly dazed. “I am not a bird pony,” he agreed.

The smell of coffee began to drift out of the kitchen and slapped Noctilucent in the face. He seemed to perk up a little more. “I feel very confused right now,” he muttered.

“Be at ease, Noctilucent,” Princess Luna soothed. “You are safe, and I will not leave your side until such a time that you are calm again and feel safe.”

“What if that never happens?” Noctilucent asked, wide eyed and worried. “I feel like I will never feel safe again. I don’t remember much, but do remember one thing in particular…” his voice trailed off and fear made his eyes glassy.

“If I have to spend the rest of your life at your side, than I shall do so, as awkward as that might be. I have vowed to keep you safe, and I will do so,” Princess Luna promised.

There was another knock at the front door.

“That had better be Quirky,” Graves said, heading up the steps.

“Graves, you are supposed to smile when you answer the door,” Quirky said, her voice drifting down the stairs.

“I am smiling,” Graves replied, heading back down the stairs, shaking his head as he went.

“I smell coffee,” Quirky quipped. “And I see my pegasus friend. Why so glum?” she asked, looking worried. “Princess Luna,” Quirky acknowledged, bowing her head slightly.

“Quercus? How is Shady?” Lethe called from inside the kitchen.

“He’s getting better. Each day he makes a little more progress,” Quirky replied, heading over to Noctilucent. When she reached him, she leaned in and gave Shortbread Cookie a smooch.

“Noctilucent had a rough night,” Princess Luna explained. “A very troubling dream. Well, more than actually,” she added, remembering Quirky’s need for honesty.

“Aw, poor thing, I hope I didn’t cause it,” Quirky said, looking sad.

“No,” Noctilucent replied. “Shortbread is hungry,” he added, changing the subject.

“I know,” Quirky said, wrapping the foal in a bright orange aura and pulling it free from the sling. She trotted off to the other side of the room, settled herself on a pile of cushions in the corner, and placed the foal in a position to nurse.

Arroyo peeked out from the stairs, looked around the room, and then headed for the kitchen, waving briefly at Princess Luna as he passed. He yawned as he went through the kitchen door. He sat himself down at the kitchen table and waited.

“What’s for breakfast?” Arroyo asked.

“Pancakes with agave syrup,” Holly replied.

“I hope Cactus doesn’t drink the syrup again,” Arroyo mumbled.

“Cactus Blossom drank syrup?” Lethe said, her voice full of real fear.

“Yeah,” Arroyo replied.

“She must have been unbearable,” Lethe said, recoiling in horror.

“You have no idea,” Holly replied.

“Cactus got her cutie mark last night,” Arroyo said with a yawn. “It is a little stuffed pony version of herself. She saved Nighty Night.”

“Fascinating,” Lethe replied, getting a cup of coffee, using her grasping digit that extended from her central wing knuckle to hold the pot. Once poured, she grabbed her coffee and sat down at the table with Arroyo.

Sassafras was the next one up the stairs, her eyes nearly closed, she marched sleepily through the room, paying no attention to anypony or anydonkey as she passed. She headed right for the kitchen table, sat down, and rested her head on the table, saying nothing.

“You are not an earlybird,” Lethe chuckled at the young griffon.

Sassafras did not reply.

“Noctilucent, get in here and get some coffee,” Lethe bellowed.

The troubled pegasus did as he was bid, heading into the kitchen and sitting down at the table, Holly floating a cup of coffee over to him. He stared down at the mud in his cup, eyeing it warily.

“This isn’t coffee,” he announced.

“Yeah it is. I fill up the whole little basket thingy, rather than use a couple of scoops,” Lethe explained.

“Uh,” the pegasus protested.

“Shut up and drink your coffee,” Lethe growled in annoyance.

Noctilucent took a sip and immediately shuddered, his whole body contorting from the taste of the thick brown sludge. “Uuuuglaaauuuh!” he muttered, his tongue lolling out.

“See, it is good for you,” Lethe said, taking a drink of her own cup. “You can trust me, I’m a doctor. I have a vow to do no harm.”

“What would happen if Cactus Blossom drank this?” Noctilucent gasped, each one of his eyes now blinking out of synch. His ears vibrated.

“Never speak of such things,” Lethe commanded. “Nightmarish!”

Biscuit emerged from the stairs next, his face damp from being washed, and he ran, not to the kitchen, but to Princess Luna, and began to squeeze her leg. She pulled the foal close and returned his affection, and kissed him on top of his head.

Candy Corn appeared next, Cactus Blossom trailing along behind her. Candy yawned a greeting to the foal snuggling alicorn and headed off to the kitchen, Cactus on her heels.

“Go get breakfast,” Princess Luna said to Biscuit, gently prodding at his backside with a wing. Biscuit resisted for a moment, looked to the kitchen, looked at Princess Luna, and then took off reluctantly. “Quirky, join us when you are done,” Princess Luna invited.

“I plan to,” Quirky replied. “I need to cheer up my pegasus friend.”

Author's Note

I really hope people like Lethe. I've been waiting to introduce her for a while.

Doctor Lethe, the lunar pegasi psychologist. She makes good coffee.

And Cactus Blossom now has a cutie mark. I feel good about it.

Edit: Site keeps eating the story, not sure what happened.