Check Yourself Before You Tirek Yourself
Check Yourself Before You Tirek Yourself
by Present Perfect
It was the wrestling-mania event of the century. Two muscled titans entered the ring, each vying for the Equestrian Belt, but only one could leave. Lights flashed, crowds cheered, and Spike was curled up somewhere being useless. Princess Twilight had kindly offered her kingdom (formerly known as Ponyville) as host for the match, and construction of a suitable arena had been swiftly completed after they'd bulldozed Sweet Apple Acres and applied a little Rainbow Power to the area. Bulk Biceps had been chosen to referee.
"PONYVILLE! ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?" he shouted into the microphone hanging down over the ring. The crowd cheered.
"I SAID ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?"
The crowd roared. A little grey and black pegasus colt was tossed into the ring by ponies unknown and had to be escorted out.
"IIIIIIN THIS CORNER! FIVE PONIES TALL AND WEIGHING IN AT FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY TWO POUNDS, IT'S THE MAD MINOTAUR OF MINOS, THE HORNED HELLION, HE'LL MOTIVATE YOU INTO A COMA: IIIIIIIIIRON WIIIIIIIIILL!"
The minotaur in question stood, a towel around his shoulders, and flexed his impressive biceps. The crowd went wild, and he soaked up every hoot and holler. Flowers were tossed at his hooves. Socks, too. The grey pegasus colt somehow ended up back there and Iron Will started bench pressing him.
"AND IN THIS CORNER! HE'S BIG, HE'S RED, HE'S SIX PONIES HIGH AND AS MANY LONG! HE'S GOT HORNS LIKE WHAT, HE'LL FOUR TIMES KICK YOUR BUTT, IT'S THE ONE, THE TRUE TERROR OF TARTARUS, TIIIIIIIREEEEEEEK!"
The crowd seemed not to favor the challenger so much. They were just as loud, if not louder, than they had been for Iron Will, but it was jeers and sneers rather than cheers and, uh, beers? Tomatoes, horse apples, and batponies bounced off a protective magical shield. Tirek paid them no mind, instead focusing on his opponent, his eyes narrowed.
"Okay, brother," said Scorpan, Tirek's coach, "just remember, you gotta--"
Tirek held up a mighty hand. "I don't need your help, brother. Why are you even in this story?"
Fluttershy had taken the position of coach for Iron Will and was hovering in front of him, wearing her fiercest scowl.
"Okay, mister, you listen up! This is the biggest wrestling match Equestria has ever seen! Everything's on the line! You need to get out there and murdalize that crapsack! If he tries to block, you stick your hoof up his ass! I don't want you to take no guff from that goat!"
One of the goats in the sidelines bleated angrily.
"Um, no offense." Fluttershy knew darn well the difference between centaurs and goats, but old wounds heal slowly. "Anyway, you gotta do your best, and forget the rest! Throw a punch and eat him for lunch! Give him a kick and--"
"Thanks, coach," Iron Will interrupted. He placed a hand on her shoulder and kind of started pushing her down without trying. "I'll give him my all and then some! I'm doin' it for me, I'm doin' it for you, and I'm doin' it for Equestria!"
Fluttershy grinned and made that adorable squee noise, and like a thousand butterflies flocked into the stands.
"WREEEESTLERS, MEET IN THE CENTER!"
Tirek's hooves made the ring shake with every step. Iron Will didn't budge, though Fluttershy and everything else not nailed down were quickly bounced out. The two stopped in the center of the ring, Iron Will having to look up slightly to meet the centaur's eyes. They glared daggers at one another.
"ARE YOU READY?"
"Ready!" grunted Tirek.
"Iron Will was born ready!"
"THEN LET'S RUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!"
Twilight Sparkle, seated high above the crowd in the VIP box, used her magic to ding the bell, because that was her purpose as a princess.
Iron Will wasted no time, leaping forward with agility surprising for a creature his size, and latched his arms around Tirek's neck. Tirek stood there, impassive. Iron Will swung underneath Tirek's arm and latched on from the back. Still, Tirek barely blinked. Iron Will kicked at Tirek's neck, stomped on his back, and bit his horns. Nothing happened.
"Hey!" Scorpan shouted. "He's fightin' dirty! Where's that ref?"
Unfortunately, his complaints fell on deaf ears, because Bulk Biceps and Fluttershy had started making out just as soon as that sweet, sweet bell rang. It's totally canon, by the way. I ship it so hard. They are so doing it.
Iron Will had latched onto Tirek's midsection and was trying to pry one of his hooves up when Tirek let out a sigh, grabbed the minotaur by the horns, and threw him out of the arena. Through the wall. The hastily-constructed wall that took down a large portion of stadium due to the minotaur-sized hole in it.
Iron Will sailed through the air, Tirek hot on his tail. In Iron Will's defense, he was not panicking, more or less taking being hurled through a concrete wall totally in stride. He was chill like that. Tirek was gaining, though, and that put him on edge.
"No one throws Iron Will," he said darkly, as he finally impacted with a tree. His horns stuck to it, and as he was facing upward, this put him in rather an unfortunate position.
Luckily, Tirek showed up like two seconds later and punched the fuck out of that tree, sending it skyward. This was just the advantage Iron Will needed. His horns still impaling its trunk, he swung his head around to gain momentum and sailed downward, smashing the tree into Tirek's big, red face.
This caused Tirek no small amount of aggravation. I mean, a whole tree, right to the face? Rude.
Tirek grabbed Iron Will by the arm and flung him in an arc, such that he would impact with the ground at the end of it. But Iron Will was able to turn the inertia to his favor, catching himself on his hooves and leaning into Tirek, swinging him in exactly the same way. They continued like this for quite some time, until they were deep inside the Everfree Forest.
What stopped them was Iron Will getting slammed into a giant boulder. This put him on about the same level, height-wise, as Tirek, and instead of using his arms, he used his head, slamming his forehead into Tirek's and knocking him for a loop. The centaur staggered back, his rear legs getting tangled in something inconvenient. Iron Will dove back in, placing his head under his opponent's front legs (it smelled like cheese, gross), his arms around his torso, and lifting. Tirek let out a screech of mostly confusion, as this had never happened to him before in all his centuries of living, and he certainly hadn't expected such a move in a wrestling match.
Iron Will snorted, cleaned the jerk, and tipped backward. Tirek continued to roar as his face made friends with the ground.
TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?
They smashed through the floor into a cavern, in a cascade of dirts and rocks that sprayed everywhere and gave Tirek a hard time gaining footing. Iron Will, on top of him, bore down, lifting his opponent bodily once again and giving him a mighty toss.
"When somepony tries to hit, throw 'em around a little bit!"
Unfortunately, he hadn't been watching where he was throwing, and Tirek vanished beneath the waters of a pool in the center of the cavern. The water's surface was strangely still, despite all the goings-on between the two of them. He wandered over to it and peered down, seeing only a perfect reflection of himself.
"Huh. Is drowning a legal wrestling move? Where the heck is that referee?"
Why, he's snogging your coach, Iron Will.
"Eh, no matter. If he doesn't come up in like, half a minute, Iron Will will be the winner!"
That's when the pool started bubbling violently. Iron Will staggered back, unsure of what to expect. With a cavern-shaking roar that loosed stalactites (they're the ones that stick tight to the ceiling, remember), an enormous, green, scaly head with lots and lots of sharp teeth emerged from the pool.
"Hang on, hang on."
Daring Do clocked me on the side of the head. It hurt.
"Ow! What was that for?"
"You dummy! Dinosaurs aren't green and scaly! They had feathers, they were colorful! Your thinking is totally backward!"
"I was born in the eighties," I groused, rubbing my head. "Pluto is a planet, backspacing makes a ^H, and giant fucking birds are neither scary nor cool. I'm claiming authorial fiat, beeyotch."
She crossed her forehooves and humphed.
"Look, if you don't like it, then don't read it. I'll see you tonight."
"Fine," she said, climbing down off her stool and heading for the bedroom. "But don't expect any tail."
"Gross," I mumbled.
Anyway, what emerged from the pool was big, scaly, mean, and very hungry. It had stubby arms and powerful hind legs.
"A T-Rex?!" Iron Will interrobanged. His blood ran cold as the monstrous carnivore ("They're fucking scavengers!") regarded him with its beady eyes. It sniffed loudly, and Iron Will took a step back. The eyes snapped onto him.
"They only see movement."
Iron Will turned to see a pony nearby who had an Australian accent and a rifle cutie mark. He was regarding the monster coolly, like somepony practiced with this kind of thing. Very carefully, he drew a flare from his saddlebags and lit it, catching the lizard's attention immediately. He tossed it to one hoof, then the other, the giant, toothy head watching every move. Finally, the pony tossed the flare to the other side of the room.
In doing so, he had misjudged the room's size. The dinosaur swung around, following the bright light, and its tail slammed into him, crushing him against the wall.
"C-clever... girl..." he mumbled, then went still.
Iron Will did not let this distract him. The scaly tail was within reach, so he grabbed it, and with a mighty heave, pulled the dinosaur around and slammed it into the wall as well. And then the ceiling. And then the floor.
Then he took a deep breath and, calling on his minotaur ancestors for strength, threw the whole big huge, dumb, totally green, totally cold-blooded and also a vicious predator into the sky through the hole they had made in the cavern's ceiling. It came down a few minutes later, after he had climbed out and dusted himself off.
"There you are!" cried a familiar voice.
"Princess Twilight! Did you bring the ref?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "No, I'm pretty sure he's engaged in illegal contact with your coach. Since I'm the princess, I can fill in. So can you explain what the heck happened here?"
"Not really." Iron Will scratched his head. "I threw the big red guy into that pool down there--" he thumbed behind himself-- "and then this thing came out."
Twilight frowned at the lizard, which lay unmoving save for shallow, ragged breaths. She stuck her tongue out cutely, squinted her eye, and concentrated on every book she had ever read. Her princess powers helped her catalogue the information, and even with the side track involving the growth rates of kudzu, she was able to come to a conclusion in a split second.
Twilight reared back and cast a spell on the dino. It was a math spell. The creature lifted into the air, a seam of light appearing down its middle, bisecting it. As the two halves came apart, there was a pop, and Tirek was there again.
"Now go win this fight!" Twilight said with a smile. Princesses can totally interfere in sporting events, it's Equestrian law now.
"Got it, Your Highness."
Iron Will grinned and stalked over to his opponent, who was still lying, dazed, on the ground. Iron Will knelt down, checked him over, and then made a decisive move.
He grabbed Tirek's pinkie and pulled back.
The effect was immediate. Tirek's eyes shot open. They began to water. His free hand pounded the forest floor and his legs kicked and thrashed as he cried, "Uncle! Uncle!"
"I hereby declare this wrestling match over!" Twilight shouted. "Iron Will wins!"
Suddenly, the forest was filled with cheering ponies. They swept Iron Will up into a parade and marched him back into Ponyville, I mean the Rainbow Twilight Kingdom place. He got the champion belt and wore it proudly. It helped with his motivational speaking seminars.
Tirek was scooped up by magic and hustled back to Tartarus, where he never bothered anypony again, promise.
Scorpan slunk off into obscurity, and spent his life hatching lots of plans that didn't pan out. He wasn't really trying to accomplish anything, he just liked making plans.
The Apple family moved into the abandoned stadium and used the cinderblocks from the collapsed wall to raise a new barn. It would also collapse, in seven years, killing [SPOILER REDACTED].
"Hey, what about Fluttershy and the big dude?"
"I thought you were going to bed!"
"Who doesn't ship that like a cargo manifest?"
And as for Fluttershy and Bulk Biceps...
"Hey!"
Pinkie Pie appeared somehow in between smooches, strands of saliva hanging between Fluttershy and Bulk's lips, just oozing romance and dripping with love or whatever it is saliva strands do. (Why do you people like them so much?) It was hard to tell whose scream was girlier.
"Are you two playing tongue hockey?" Pinkie gushed. "Huh, huh, are ya, huh?"
"P-Pinkie, no--"
"Because I've heard that it's loads of fun, and I've always wanted to try, but nopony will ever play with me! They always run away screaming when I ask them to! So how about it, can I have a turn next when you're done? I can try it with you, Fluttershy, the fans'll love it!"
Bulk looked at Pinkie, his face blank. Then he looked to Fluttershy, whose eyes had begun to water.
"Uh..." he said.
"Ooh, or is this super-secret-private-alone time? My parents used to tell to me about that all the time, so don't worry, I won't make a peep! I'll be right over here, just watching and taking notes, and you two don't have to pay me another mind, nope, no siree! I'll be as quiet as a little jay bird, or maybe a door hinge, or maybe the squeaky wheel after it gets the grease, or maybe..."
Fluttershy began to cry.
The End
Author's Note
Let me tell you, I loved the hell out of the finale, but every time they did a zoom-in on Tirek, I couldn't help but think "What if he fought Iron Will?" And then stupid shit happened in chat last night (there's a bunch of references here that only people there at the time will get!) and this was written in about an hour. Consider it venting about season 4 in general, 'cuz some dumb shit went down in between the brilliant pieces of awesome.
I hope I never write another story around a pun again so long as I live, help me baby Jesus.
