My Little Red Dwarf

by JimmyZD

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash
Length: 4988

3 million years from Equestria, the EMC mining ship Red Dwarf.

Three million years from Equestria. The EMC mining ship Red Dwarf. Its only crew members are: Dash Whizzter, the last remaining pony; Twilight Glimmer, a hologram of her bunkmate; and a creature that evolved from the ship's dragon. I am PINKY, the ship's computer - I have an IQ of 6,000. That's the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers. Or the same as 12,000 traffic wardens.

Author's note: Hello all! This is a "Red Dwarf" crossover that I've been meaning to do for a little while. If you haven't watched the original sitcom then you really should do - it's demonstrably one of the finer examples of comedy to come out of the UK. I apologize if anyone who has seen the original gets mad at me for doing this - this is more of an experiment than anything else.

Rated Teen for an eensy-weensy bit of death. Otherwise this is pretty kid-friendly. :P

Published 2012-04-04 15:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-04 15:44:02 UTC

The End

"Dash, have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet?"

Third Technician Dash Whizzter ceased her humming and stared up at her counterpart in silent loathing, shaking her head in response.

"Then shut up. Now, where were we?"

Twilight J. Glimmer marched purposefully down the corridor while Dash trailed behind with a trolley laden with various tools and trinkets. What had happened to her life? She'd had a career, prospects, dreams, friends - and she'd thrown them all away. It was a tragedy.

...Hang on. No, she'd had none of that stuff to begin with.

She'd had absolutely nothing and she'd thrown it all away. An even bigger tragedy.

The Equestria Mining Corporation ship Red Dwarf was the size of a small city that could travel at near-lightspeed. It was the pinnacle of the EMC's technical accomplishments and a testament to the ingenuity of the Space Corps. Just to see this ship was an almighty privilege, and to be one of its 1,169 crew members was an even almightier one.

Third Technician Dash Whizzter currently ranked 1,169. Second Technician Glimmer ranked 1,168.

"Twi, I'm bored!"

"Bored? How could you find routine maintenance boring? It's absolutely essential for the well-being of the crew, the mission, and the ship."

Twilight walked a little further on until she came to a machine in the corridor wall. She consulted her checklist.

"Corridor 159, dispenser 172," she said, reading it aloud. "Soup nozzle clogged."

Distracted by a noise behind her, Twilight turned around. Dash was leaning over the trolley, making strange guttural clicking noises in much the same rhythm as the song she'd been singing earlier.

"Dash!" said Twilight, frustration seeping in. The blue pegasus was snapped out of her reverie. "One more sound from you - anything, and you're on report, you little lassie. Now, can you hoof me a 14B?"

Dash responded with a series of mouth movements and gestures that suggested, but far from produced, noise.

"Right, that's it."

Twilight produced yet another report sheet and scribbled furiously on it, reading out her words as she did so.

"Whizzter, D., Third Technician. Offense: obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking, and being quiet." She turned to her companion. "When the Captain sees this, you're dead. Now pass me a 14B."

Dash snorted. This kind of behavior was completely and totally normal for Twilight, but oh so exasperating. She unenthusiastically fished a small pipe cleaner from a tray on the trolley, and Twilight took hold of it within a bubble of magic, moving it closer to her face and inspecting it with intensity.

"Dash? Is this a 14B? Does this even look like a 14B?" The pegasus rolled her eyes and slumped onto the trolley, sighing heavily. Twilight's obsessive nature was sometimes painful to endure.

"This is a 14F!" The unicorn reached into the same tray as before and extracted another white pipe cleaner, indistinguishable from the first. "This is a 14B!"

"It's a pipe cleaner! Who gives a buck?" groaned the exasperated Dash.

"I do, Dash! It's my career! I'm the pony who gets yelled at when someone orders a tomato soup and gets blackcurrant cordial with blancmange, two creams and a sugar."

"But this maintenance business is so lame!" whined Dash while Twilight set to work with the 14-whatever. "The only reason they don't give this job to the service droids is they've got a better union than us. We both rank below all four of those droids!"

"Not for long, Dashie," replied Twilight with an air of that unbearable smugness that made Dash wince. "Not me, anyway. I'm going to pass the astronavigation exam this afternoon and become an officer."

"You're just gonna flunk again," said Dash, flatly. "Last time you went in there, you broke down, wrote 'I am a fish' 500 times, did a little dance and passed out."

"Dash, if you must know, my discourse on power circuits was simply too radical, too mold-breaking to be accepted by the examiners."

"Yeah, you said you were a fish."

Twilight exhaled, extracting the pipe cleaner from the dispenser and depositing it in a tray with the 14Ds. Presently, a griffon, carrying a clipboard and dressed in a technician's uniform similar to Twilight's, suddenly came stomping purposefully down the corridor and addressed the two mares.

"Glimmer. Whizzter."

"Yes, ma'am," said Twilight, standing rigidly to attention.

"Heya, Gilda! What's hangin'?" said Dash, brightening up a bit.

The griffon shot Dash a short smile but otherwise ignored her, turning her attention to the lavender unicorn. "Glimmer, I was going through the records today, and noticed that you've filed 247 complaints - against Whizzter." She consulted her clipboard. "123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count... of mutiny?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"I tripped her up," explained Dash, lighting up a cigarette.

"Obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty - therefore mutiny," appended Twilight.

"You were gonna snap my guitar in half!"

Gilda sighed and stared disapprovingly at the two.

"Why can't you guys just get along?"

Dash chewed nonchalantly on her cigarette, then fished it out and placed it in her ear before responding to the griffon. "Gilda, I try to respect Twilight, I really do, but she makes it so hard because... she's such a total egghead!"

Twilight shot Dash Whizzter a serious glare. "Dash, do you have any idea of the consequences of referring to a senior technician as an egghead?"

"Oh, Glimmer..." Gilda chuckled, clapping Twilight on the back who laughed along with her. Dash was definitely for it, now.

"You are an egghead."

Gilda took her leave, and Dash burst out laughing, leaving Twilight stupefied and seething in the middle of the corridor.

Eventually the unicorn broke into a gallop and chased after the offending griffon. "With the highest respect, ma'am, go buck yourself!"

Back in their sleeping quarters, after what had been a very long maintenance shift, Dash plonked down on her bunk, emitting a long sigh. Today was finally over, and Twilight Glimmer was nowhere to be seen yet.

"On!"

The mirror by the sink rotated to reveal a television set on the other side, and it flickered into life. Maybe she could finally get some time alone and relax a little while before—

"Off!"

Glimmer strode into the room proudly, and the television immediately turned off, retreating back into the wall.

"Hey! I was watching that!"

"Well, tough."

Dash turned to her guitar in the corner of the room and began to worm her way towards it, refusing to detach herself from her bunk.

"If you touch that guitar, Dash Whizzter, I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it."

"What can I do, then, Glimmer?!" shouted Dash, finally summoning the courage to get up. "Can I breathe? Is that acceptable?" Trotting over to her superior, she made a series of exaggerated exhalations directly in the lilac unicorn's face.

"I don't need your immaturity right now, Whizzter. I have an exam today which I intend to pass."

"What, by copying all of your revision notes onto your body?!"

Thanks to Twilight's technician's uniform, it wasn't immediately apparent, but black marker pen had been applied excessively to almost every part of her body - it was evident at least all the way up her left foreleg.

"It's not cheating, I'll have you know. It's merely a memory aid."

"Why not hand your body in and have 'em mark that?"

"Dash, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? Someone who wasn't educated at the Royal Academy for Gifted Unicorns? Someone who didn't have the right background, the right parents?"

"Look," said Dash, tired of hearing this sob story of Twilight's all over again. "If you can't pass the exam fair and square, why even bother?"

"Because unlike you, Dash, I have ambitions." The self-important tone of voice had returned to Twilight, and Dash pulled a pillow over her own head. "You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on the ship."

"I'm not the lowest rank on this ship," Dash denied, ignoring reality. "...What about the laboratory mice?" she added feebly.

"Dash, you are nothing but a nothing."

"No, I'm not! I've got my plan. My five-year plan. I'm going to buy a little farm on Filliji, set up a corndog stand where we all wear little paper hats, and get a sheep and a cow and breed dragons."

Twilight frowned. "Right. Breed dragons... with a sheep and a cow."

"No, with dragons and dragons!"

"You realize Filliji is mostly ten hooves below sea level now, right?" asked Twilight snarkily. "How are the sheep going to swim? Water-wings? Stilts? Miniature submarines? Or why not cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton? Dash, you have the brain of an alfalfa sandwich."

The intercom buzzed and the joyous voice of the ship's computer bubbled forth.

"Attention. This is PINKY. Will all entrants for the astronavigation exam please mosey right along to the examination room. Pretty please? Thanks!"

"If you'll excuse me."

"Oh, Twilight, before you go... just thought I'd remind you."

Twilight paused on her way through the doorway but didn't bother to look back at her bunkmate.

"F-I-S-H. That's how you spell 'fish'. Remember that."

"Ha ha."

Twilight exited the room.

"Lock!"

With Dash's command, the door to their sleeping quarters slid shut and emitted a sharp buzz, signalling the locking mechanism's activation. She closed her eyelids and tried to clear her mind of that annoying, compulsive unicorn.

Just as she was dozing off, as she was wont to do as soon as she got off work, she started to idly dream of her life on Filliji with the dragon farm. She was reminded of a little someone who was going to help realize that dream, and a smile broke across her face. Getting up from her bunk, she flittered eagerly over to a corner of the room, and carefully lifted open the door of the supply compartment beside the radiator, revealing a small, purple egg lying on a pillow.

"Hey, Frankenstein!" she said, lifting the purple ovum out, and nuzzling it affectionately.

"Ooh, you're getting heavy now," she said, weighing it on her forehoof. "Can't be long until you hatch now, huh?"

She reached onto the desk beside her and retrieved a photograph, presenting it to the egg. "That's Filliji. That's gonna be our new home. I think you're gonna love it there."

"Okay, everypony. You have three hours. No cheating." The griffon addressed the examinees sternly as she walked up to the front wall of the room. "Turn over your papers and start. Good luck." She relaxed into her chair as the rustle of papers signified the beginning of the exam.

Twilight stared down at her paper, and after a good minute, her mouth dried up and her mind emptied itself. She looked around curiously at the other examinees, and a mint-green unicorn with a silvery mane winked at her encouragingly. She smiled weakly in return.

Plan B, then. After double-checking that the griffon wasn't looking her way, she slowly rolled up her sleeve to reveal a sweaty foreleg. Unfortunately, her revision notes seemed to have gotten lost amongst a smeary mass of sweat and fur. She scrunched up her eyes in terror and silently cursed Celestia. After a moment of sitting there in mortal terror, she slammed a foreleg down on the paper, leaving an inky hoofprint. She picked up her pen with her magic, signed the paper, trotted to the front of the room, gave a bemused Gilda a spectacular salute, and fainted.

Dash Whizzter trotted into the drive room, noticing four of the highest-ranking officers on the ship sat at their respective terminals, doing... their higher-officer-type duties.

She took a look at the door on the opposite site of the room, with the massive "CAPTAIN'S OFFICE" sign adorning it, and gulped, opting instead to distract herself by talking to her crush for a little while. She stared over towards one of the officers in the corner of the room - specifically, the orange-coated, emerald-eyed earth pony with the adorable freckles.

Lost in the moment, the smitten pegasus' mind filled itself with how Navigation Officer Jackanski (better known as AJ to most of the crew) would contribute to her five-year plan. She and AJ had dated for a while, but had since broken up, and she was seeing some other pony now - some poser who wore a big white suit and stupid floppy hat (apparently he was a chef). But Dash knew that she and AJ would hit it off again eventually, and AJ would come to Filliji with her, and wear a little white dress and ride the dragons. She was part of Dash's plan.

Oh, horseapples, in her absent-mindedness, she'd just trotted right over to AJ's station and was now suddenly occupying a great deal of her personal space - and it looked like AJ had just noticed herself. She needed a line, stat!

"Uh, hey. Where's the captain's office?" Dash asked nervously.

"Well, right over there where it says 'captain's office', sugarcube," replied Jackanski, smiling. She expected no less from the dozy mare.

"Oh! THAT's the captain's office!" Dash exclaimed. Of course, she wasn't really that dense... she just needed an opener to get talking to AJ. Although, on reflection, playing ignorant when talking casually with an esteemed officer such as AJ probably painted her as even more of a degenerate slob than she already was. She didn't care, though - it made the earth pony laugh.

"So how've you been?"

"Jus' fine."

"D'you know why she wants to see me?"

"Yeah, ah reckon you've been promoted to Admiral."

"Heh, really?!" Dash knew this wasn't the case but decided to humor AJ anyway.

A click from across the room startled the pegasus as the door opened. The captain's head appeared in the doorway.

"Whizzter."

The pegasus signalled a silent goodbye to AJ and trotted cautiously into the office. The door shut behind her, silencing the gentle hum of the computer terminals in the drive room behind it. Suddenly she felt the atmosphere become a lot tenser.

...

Captain Celestia sat down in her chair. Dash stared at her superior, her throat drying up. Whatever it was her all-powerful captain wanted to talk to her about, it looked deadly important... and decidedly not good news for her.

"Whizzter, where's the dragon?"

Dash blinked.

"What dragon?"

Celestia sighed. "Whizzter - not only are you so stupid that you bring an unquarantined animal on board this vessel and jeopardize every member of the crew... but you take a photograph of yourself with the animal... and send it to be internally processed."

Dash felt her common sense kicking her brain in the backside.

"I'll ask you again," resumed Captain Celestia. "Have you got a dragon?"

"Umm... no."

"Have you got a dragon?" Celestia produced the aforementioned photograph from her desk.

"Oh right... that dragon."

"Whizzter... animals are bad news. Remember the parasprites on the Oregon? A live dragon could get anywhere. It could get into the air ducts. It could get into PINKY. It could be carrying any manner of disease! So I want that dragon, and I want it now."

"Ma'am," Dash said, keeping calm. "Just suppose I did have a dragon. Just suppose." She hesitated. "What would you do with Frankenstein?"

"I'd have it sent down to the medilab, and have it cut up and tests run on it."

Dash swallowed. "...would you put him back together when you'd finished?"

"Whizzter. It'd be dead."

"Soooo, with respect, ma'am, what's in it for Frankie?"

"Whizzter, I want that dragon!" Celestia demanded.

"It's not that simple!" cried Dash, losing her composure and pleading desperately. "Me and the dragon are gonna have a dragon family, and live on Filliji, and buy a farm and have a sheep and a cow and a corndog stand! It's my five-year plan! No-one can get in the way of it... not even you... no disrespect, ma'am."

Dash looked dejectedly at the floor of the office, not daring to meet with the gaze of the captain.

"Whizzter... do you want to go into stasis and forfeit eighteen months' wages?"

"...No."

"Do you want to give up the dragon?"

"...No."

"Choose."

"Come on Dashie, I don't want you to do this. You don't want to do this. None of us do."

"I know, Gilda. But I can handle it."

As they walked through the dimly-lit corridors of the mining ship towards the stasis lockers, they bumped into two paramedics carrying Twilight Glimmer on a hover-stretcher.

"Twi, you okay? What happened?" asked Dash, concern in her voice even though she'd met Twilight in this exact state upon leaving the exam no less than ten times before.

"I can't remember..." the unicorn murmured, absently. "...I think I did quite well. Glub glub glub..."

As the medics went on their way, Dash turned back to her griffon friend. "So, I literally just step inside and time, like, freezes for me?"

"Sorta. Time can't pass through a stasis field, like how X-rays don't pass through lead, so no time will pass at all for you. I dunno. Ask one of the eggheads down in engineering how it works. I don't really follow it."

"Sure. Well, see ya, Gil."

The two friends smiled and hugged one last time, before Dash stepped into the stasis locker and allowed the door to shut on her.

"See you in eighteen months, Dashie. PINKY, activate the stasis field."

"Okey dokey lokey, Gilda."

...

The door opened with a grinding noise and the stasis booth illuminated as time restored itself to the blue pegasus.

The local PA system buzzed and a familiar computerized voice spoke to the stasis booth's confused occupant. "Hello, Dashie. It's now safe for you emerge from stasis."

"But I've only just got in, Pinks."

"Please report to the drive room for debriefing."

Dash obeyed - PINKY usually knew what she was talking about. As she walked through the winding corridors of the mining ship, she came to notice there was an alarming lack of fellow ponies. Every room was completely unoccupied. The corridors presented no company, either. Usually she'd have bumped into somepony by now.

Dash decided to consult the ship's all-knowing computer. "Where is everypony, PINKY?"

"They're dead, Dash."

Dash's eyes widened. "Who's dead?"

"Everypony, Dash."

"What, Captain Celestia?"

"Everypony's dead, Dash."

"...Gilda?"

"They're all dead. Everypony's dead, Dash."

"AJ isn't, is she?"

"Sweet Celestia! Yes! AJ, everypony. Everypony's dead, Dash!"

"...Twilight?"

"She's dead, Dash. Everypony's dead. Everypony. Is. Dead. Dash."

"So, wait... are you trying to tell me everypony's dead?"

Back in the drive room, Dash sat down at a now unoccupied seat. PINKY's face flashed up onto the computer screen in front of her.

"So, how'd this all happen, PINKY?"

"The drive plate wasn't sealed properly. It blew, and the entire crew was exposed to a fatal dose of Cadmium 2 radiation."

"Oh, man. This is awful."

Dash idly pawed at a pile of what looked like custard powder on top of the computer terminal, then brought her hoof to her mouth and licked it inquisitively.

"It's pretty messy in here, Pinks. What is this stuff?"

"Oh, that's Catering Officer Carrot Top."

Dash spat furiously, horrified. "Augh! I'm eating the crew!" Still coughing and wiping her lips, she looked around the room and began to lay eyes on more piles of powder. "So, who's that?" she asked the computer, pointing to one of them.

"That's Captain Celestia."

"Aaaand that's Gilda," said Dash, pointing to another one.

"No, that's Second Technician Twilight Glimmer."

"Oh, right. Didn't recognize her without her report sheet," Dash said dryly. "Why was she in the drive room?"

"She was explaining to the Captain why the drive plate hadn't been properly sealed."

Dash turned back to the computer screen with PINKY's face still on it. "So how long was I in stasis for, Pinks?"

"Well," the computer began nervously. "You may have been in there for a slightly longer time than 18 months."

"How long, PINKY?"

"Long enough for the radiation to reach a safe background level."

"How long?!"

"...Three million years."

"THREE MILLION YEARS?" Dash screamed. "So... everypony's dead? Except me?"

"Well, technically speaking..." said PINKY.

"What do you mean 'technically'—"

"Hello, Whizzter."

Dash span around in shock as the familiar voice behind caught her unawares.

"Glimmer!" she gasped.

"Long time no see," replied the unicorn.

A number of questions swam in Dash's mind. Why was Twilight here? How was she here - when all that was left of her was that dusty pile of flour on the floor right there? Something shiny on her fellow technician's flank caught her eye, and she snuck a glance at it - instead of the standard starburst cutie mark, there was a shiny letter "H".

"You're... a hologram?" Dash asked. "PINKY brought you back as a hologram?"

"Yes, because I'm dead. Deader than a tub of glue. All thanks to you."

"Me?" the pegasus snorted. "Why?"

"If you hadn't smuggled that dragon egg on board, you wouldn't have gone into stasis, and then I could have had some help refixing the drive plate!" She trotted over to a sad little pile of white powder on the floor. Dash noticed how the traditional "clop-clop" sound that usually accompanied a pony's gait was now gone from Twilight's movement. It was... odd... but then it sort of made sense that light particles didn't make sound.

"Look. Is this me, right here?" the unicorn asked angrily, staring down at her remains. "This... pile of albino mouse droppings?"

"Yeah. But look at the bright side," said Dash, attempting to quash Twilight's typical rampant pessimism.

"There's a bright side? I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of photons, and I'm stuck three million years into deep space with a pegasus pony who'd lose a battle of wits with a wet paper bag!"

"Look, Twi," Dash continued, ignoring the insult. "You're dead, alright? But you're not DEAD dead, because you're here! And why should it matter, anyway? Some ponies have died and gone on to do really, really well."

The pegasus lit up her first cigarette in three eons.

"Are you smoking in the drive room, Dash?" Twilight chastised.

"Yeah. Look, we have the run of the ship now. Are you seriously gonna put me on report?"

"But of cour—" Twilight reached for a report sheet, only to be reminded that her light-composed body couldn't grip hold of anything.

Dash sniggered and walked out of the drive room, still sucking on her cigarette.

"...I'll remember it," said Twilight.

"Y'know, Twi. You're still a total egghead."

"Dash, do you have any idea of the consequences of referring to a deceased senior technician as an egghead?"

"Man, eternity alone with you. Maybe I did die and this is what Hell is."

As the two marched back to their quarters, they suddenly became aware of the fact that maybe they weren't alone after all. There was... a scuttling noise from somewhere nearby. It wasn't one of the maintenance droids - they were slow and clunky, and didn't ever scuttle. They froze and listened for a few seconds.

Dash broke the silence. "Can you hear..."

Without warning, an air vent behind them burst off of its fixing, and a pony sprang out of the opening, rolling on the floor and bouncing to its feet with lightning agility. Or... at least it looked like a pony at first glance.

At second glance, it was clear that it was some kind of alien, surely... no pony should have reptilian vertical slits for pupils. Or such a shiny... scaly purple coat. Or green spines, for that matter.

The creature looked up at the two startled mares before it. "...Uh oh," it said.

A pall of silence presided between the two parties for a short while as they both weighed up their options.

"...Better make myself look scary," thought the reptile-pony out loud.

The pegasus and the hologrammatic unicorn opted at this point to run, which turned out to be probably the wise thing to do, because the creature raised its hooves - or rather, claws - and breathed a threatening pume of green fire in their wake.

The creature stopped to process what had just unfolded and then grinned sheepishly.

"Heh, wow. That was fearsome. I was fearsome."

...

The two mares finally reached their quarters and spent a few seconds catching their breath. "PINKY!" Dash shouted to the ship's computer. "What the heck was that?"

"Oh, that guy? During the radiation leak, Dashie, your dragon egg was safely sealed in the hold. A family of dragons has been breeding there since, and evolved into that weird pony-dragon thing you just saw!"

"A family of dragons?" Dash didn't know whether to be horrified or overjoyed. "But... hang on! I only had one egg. How did I get a whole race of dragons from a single egg?"

"Well, you can get two dragons in one egg, y'know!" replied the computer. "You obviously got a male and a female. They've been breeding since the first two hatched. It's called duoembryogenesis. Don't tell me you didn't know that, dummy!"

"That one slipped by me during Space Corps training, Pinks," the pegasus replied flatly.

Suddenly, Twilight gasped, alerting Dash to the creature's return as it appeared in the doorway of their quarters. They were effectively cornered. It growled, ready for some more entertainment.

"Hello... Frankenstein?" Dash uttered weakly.

"Get back, Dash, I'll handle this!" Twilight said, motioning for Dash to get behind her. She lifted her hooves and struck a rough approximation of a kung-fu pose, screamed something incoherent, and launched herself towards the creature, proceeding to fall right through it as she neglected to consider her lack of a physical form.

The dragonpony snorted and laughed, then turned back to Dash.

An idea was forming in the blue pegasus' head. She gingerly lifted a plate off of the cabinet next to her, and offered it to the creature before her.

"You... uh... want some gems, big guy?"

The creature's interest was suddenly piqued. "Gems, you say?"

"Sure. Wait right there." Digging into the cabinet beside her for the special dragon feed she'd smuggled on board the ship along with the egg, she emerged and shook the box, piling its contents onto the plate, and sliding it over towards the dragonpony.

He bent down, and sniffed the plate of food before him. It sure smelt appetizing, but...

"Well, this is all very well, but why am I eating off the floor?"

Dash chuckled to herself. It looked like she'd befriended the dragonpony for now... although treating it like less of a pet and more of a fellow pony was probably going to take some getting used to.

"Oh, heheh. Sorry about that." She relocated the plate to the table, and the creature took a seat.

"Man, you ponies are unbelievable. Ain't you got no style or sophistication?" said the dragonpony contemptibly, as he proceeded to plunge into the food headfirst and scarf down the food with no small amount of noise and slobber.

Twilight re-entered the room.

"I don't care what this thing is, Dash," she said, sternly. "I want it off the ship."

"No way!" protested Dash. "He's descended from my little dragon. He's coming home with us!"

"Home? And what's home, exactly?" Twilight inquired.

Dash gave her a puzzled look. "You know. Home. Equestria."

"Dash, it's been three million years," said the unicorn. "What makes you think there'll even be an Equestria? Even if there is, look what it's done to dragons in that amount of time. Can you imagine what ponykind has evolved into? To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans."

"Hey, I've still got my plan," Dash retorted. "And I've still got a dragon. Sure, it's not Frankenstein, but it's still a dragon."

"Did you say Frankenstein?" said the dragonpony through a hefty mouthful of gems. "The Holy Mother? No-one believes that baloney anymore."

Dash fixed him with a curious look. "The... Holy Mother?!"

"Yeah, I remember that stuff from school." He finally swallowed his mouthful. "She was saved by Esther the Stupid... who froze herself in time, and gaveth her life so that we may live. And would one day return us to Fuchal... the Promised Land. Or something."

"Hang on..." Dash muttered to herself, slowly processing what she'd just heard. "It's not Esther! It's Whizzter! Whizzter the... Stupid?!"

Twilight Glimmer giggled.

"And... the Promised Land? What did you say that was?" Dash asked the dragonpony.

"Fuchal?" he asked through another mouthful of gems.

"Yeah! But it's not Fuchal, it's Filliji!" the pegasus added. "I was gonna buy a farm there, and breed dragons, and set up a corndog stand!" She turned to the purple unicorn standing beside her, an excited but determined look across her face. "That's home. That's where we're going."

Dash spoke loudly to address the ship's computer. "PINKY, plot a course for Filliji. Look out, Equestria! The slime's comin' home!"

- THE BEGINNING -

Author's Note:
Hey guys, hope you enjoyed this quick little read. :P

This story follows the plot of the first episode of the actual series - except of course it's been storyfied and with ponies. Like I said, this more of an experiment than an actual serious bit of writing. However, if, and only if, there is enough demand, I'll write more. :) Anyway, I highly recommend you guys check out the original sitcom on BBC.co.uk and YouTube if you aren't aware of it. I just got done watching the entirety of the series back-to-back. It's seriously great stuff.

Oh yeah, and TGS isn't going anywhere - just thought I'd let ya know. :P