Author's Note
There's a reason this is a one-shot. I already have too many stories to work on, but this idea wouldn't leave me. So, I decided to get it out of my system in a simple, funny one shot. Here ya go!
A Simple Mission
Tartarus is NOT enough: Screwball Vs. Tirek
The gates of Tartarus were emblazed in fire and the screams of several thousands of unfortunate souls echoes through the deep, underground, hellmouth of a prison. But amidst all the pain and suffering that was Tartarus, one figure trotted through, completely undeterred by any of it. For she had seen much, much worse before.
Do you want to know the most amazing thing about this?
She was only a child, and yet, she was unafraid of Tartarus. Of course, this was really to be expected, since this particular pony was the spawn of Discord.
She was small and purple, wearing an eternally-spinning beanie on her head, a purple and white swirled mane, and a screw and baseball cutie mark. And those eyes of hers…
Possibly the best way to describe them would be to say that they looked like two, grape-swirled lollipops.
This filly was Screwball. Daughter of the Chaos deity, Discord…and she was ready to deal out some punishment to a certain monster.
Screwball had conjured a map of Tartarus that levitated in front of her face, and was currently wearing a Hawaiian, flower-pattern shirt, and was using a camera to document the place.
Screwball looked at her map curiously and tapped her chin with a hoof.
“Hmmm…where are you at Mr. Tirek? Don’t make me have to tear this whole place a new one just because I can’t find you. I’ll do it too! I’m crazy like that!” Screwball shouted. At that moment she felt like she had bumped into something. Like a giant, unmoving rock…
With fur.
Screwball looked up and saw the vicious three headed dog looking down at her, drool dripping from its growling jaws as it bared it’s teeth down at the little filly.
As with everything else in Tartarus, Screwball looked like she didn’t seem to care that there was a monstrous demon-dog ready to bite her head off should she move another inch forward.
Screwball’s swirling eyes glowed a bright purple and in a flash of white light, a large, white dog-bone with a red bow tied around it. Cerberus immediately stopped growling as Screwball waved the bone in front of his faces, his three pairs of eyes following its every movement. Screwball then chucked it behind her and Cerberus barreled after it, causing the ground to shake whenever his feet hit the ground.
“Stupid dog. Thinking he can get in my w-“ Screwball stopped midsentence when she saw the staircase that Cerberus had been guarding, leading up to a large cage. Screwball looked back at her map, which confirmed this was the holding cell of Lord Tirek. Her grin spread out onto both sides of her face.
“Well well well. Looks like I’ve found you. Mental note to send Cerberus a thank you card later.” Screwball said as she approached the staircase. She took one look at how huge it was and gagged
“Stairs? Pffft. How about no?” Screwball said as her purple eyes glowed again. In another flash of light, a small elevator appeared. The doors opened, and another Screwball was inside, dressed as an elevator operator.
“Going up?” she asked.
“Yup.” Screwball replied as she trotted inside and the elevator Screwball pressed a button, which made the doors close. The elevator then levitated onto the prison platform. The doors opened again, and Screwball walked out, but not before tossing a bit to…herself. The elevator doors then shut and it faded out of existence.
Screwball turned her head to the cage and inside was a red, frail-looking, ape-like creature with the lower half of a pony. He had small horns protruding from his head, and a long beard on his chin.
This creature was known as a centaur, but specifically, this was Lord Tirek. The very same Lord Tirek that had utterly decimated Equestria’s supply of magic only a week ago and sent the land into a state of fear.
Tirek had his entire body facing away from Screwball, and he looked like he hadn’t noticed her come forth. So Screwball decided to make herself known. She trotted up to the cage, pressed her face up against the bars, and…
“HEY! YOU! ALMOST A HORSE!” Screwball yelled at him. Tirek flinched when he heard something that loud that wasn’t the pained screams of other souls in his prison. He turned around and upon seeing his privacy being violated by a mere pony, he scowled.
“Grrrr. What do you want you pathetic equine? Come here to rub my imprisonment in my face I presume.” Tirek growled.
“I’m really not liking your tone, Mr. Tirek. Why do you have to assume that I’m here to cause trouble huh?” Screwball asked.
Tirek’s scowl deepened.
“Why else would a pony come to Tartarus? To admire the scenery? Everything’s on fire…Wait, how did you get past Cerberus?” Tirek questioned.
Screwball shrugged.
“Easily. Dogs aren’t that hard to persuade. Still not liking the way you’re talking though. And here I was about to free you.” Screwball said with a smirk.
“Really?”
“Noooo~. But it’s fun to have dreams isn’t it?~” Screwball giggled.
Tirek growled again.
‘Cocktease.’ Tirek bitterly thought to himself.
Tirek then perked up when something penetrated his nostrils. He knew this intoxicating smell all too well.
Magic.
“Well, maybe you’ll aid in my escape after all. I can smell an excessive amount of magic on you…NOW GIVE IT TO ME!” Tirek screamed as he lunged in front of Screwball, the bars being the only thing stopping him from moving further. He opened his giant maw and inhaled deeply, prepared to suck in Screwball’s magic…
Instead, he felt the strange sensation of cold mintiness in his mouth. His eyes moved to the small filly, who was now pouring a large amount of mouth wash into his gaping maw.
Tirek recoiled and spat it out of his mouth, glaring intensely at the small pony.
“What? My head was spinning from the smell of your breath. When’s the last time you brushed your teeth? Never?” Screwball asked sarcastically.
Screwball’s casualness over the situation only egged Tirek on further.
“WHY CAN’T I TAKE YOUR MAGIC?! WHAT ARE YOU?!” Tirek roared.
Screwball waved a hoof in front of her mouth and yawned.
“You know, for a catastrophically evil demon, you’re really lacking in the intimidation factor. I am disappoint. Buuut if you must know…”
Screwball then pointed to the beanie on her head and giggled.
“Just a little something-something from my daddy. I mean, you didn’t think he’d let his little girl journey to Tartarus without taking the proper precautions do you? He made this hat of mine extra-super-special. As long as it’s on my head, my magic stays in me like a bucking safe wrapped in chains BITCH!” Screwball yelled proudly. She stretched her muzzle to the top of her head and gave her beanie a big kiss, and then retracted it back down to her face.
Just the presence of this pony was giving Tirek a migraine. Who was her “Daddy” that she had mentioned, and why did her behavior seem so…familiar?
“You are but an Earth-Pony, and yet you can actually use magic. This doesn’t make sense.” Tirek said, holding his forehead.
Screwball covered her mouth and tried to keep in her laughter.
“But really Tirek. What’s the fun in making sense?” Screwball giggled.
With that statement, Tirek realized who gave existence to this little hellspawn, and it hit him like a ton of bricks.
“…You’re Discord’s daughter aren’t you? These ponies have corrupted that bastard more than I thought. Just the thought of THAT mating with a pony…Ew.” Tirek shuddered at the thought.
“You misunderstand me Tirek. My dad didn’t want any “baby-mama drama” so to speak. So, he created me using his magic. Part of the reason that he gave me this enchanted beanie. If my magic was sucked out of me, I’d fade away from existence; I practically AM Chaos dude.” Screwball said, pounding her chest with pride.
‘She has her father’s arrogance. I don’t like that at all’ Tirek thought.
“So what are you even here for you little wretch?” Tirek said menacingly.
Screwball giggled again.
“Spite.”
“You mean to tell me that you came all the way down here for the sole purpose of being a little neck pain?” Tirek growled.
Screwball’s gaze hardened into one of slight irritation.
“The Princesses decided that you’ve been such a bad little demon-lord, that you deserved a double-sentence. Me irritating you. Also, you messed with my dad, nearly broke up his friendships, and stole his powers. If you think I’m just gonna take that lying down, then you’re dumber than you look.” Screwball said, who was now in the shape of a purple-pony pelt rug before popping back up after she was done talking.
Tirek gritted his teeth in pure rage.
“This is cruel and unusual punishment.” He said.
Screwball only shrugged.
“Cruel? No. I think this is actually quite fitting for somepony like you. Unusual? It’s me so…yeah. I am…well, as Moonbutt would put it…” Screwball cleared her throat.
“THE MOST ANNOYING CREATURE IN THE ENTIRE FREAKIN’ WORLD!” Screwball yelled, amplifying her voice to Luna’s volume, causing Tirek’s eardrums to nearly burst, and he held onto them in agony.
“AUUUUGGH! YOU LITTLE BRAT!” Tirek screamed in pain.
“Awww, now that’s no way talk to a filly. Even if I am the Equestrian demi-goddess of Chaos. It’s uncivil.” Screwball jokingly scolded.
Once the ringing in his ears subsided, Tirek let go and had an irritated look on his face.
“Listen to me Screwball, instead of going against me, why don’t you join me? I’ll make it worth your while. I swear.” Tirek said, his face now giving an evil grin.
Screwball deadpanned.
“Yeah, I don’t see that happening.” she said.
“Please, just hear me out. It must get awful lonely always being in your father’s shadow, doomed to be the second best in what you do for eternity. Me on the other hand, can see potential in you, a chance to have everything to yourself for once. Release me, and I can promise you all of Equestria. All you have to do is let me out of here. What do you say child?” Tirek asked, with that shit-eating smile still present on her face.
Screwball looked as if she was in deep thought, raised eyebrows and all.
“Hmmmm….Nope!” Screwball said with a slight laugh.
“YOU DARE REFUSE MY OFFER YOU UNGRATEFUL WORM?!” Tirek yelled.
“Yup. Duh. I mean, you had to have seen that coming a mile away. I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid. I’d never betray my daddy like that. And besides, I know you’d drop me like a bag of kittens into a river once you ran out of use for me. So no. You can forget about that.” Screwball said with a huff.
Tirek growled once more.
“If I ever get out of here, I will make you regret this.” Tirek hissed.
“~Ooooh. But you’re not going to get out are you? Oh help me. Poor little thing.” Screwball said in a mocking tone. Screwball then heard a beeping sound coming from her wrist and looked down. Her hoof-watch (which depicted Discord pointing his mix-matched limbs towards the numbers instead of regular clock-hands) started to beep.
“Welp. Looks like my shift’s over. I’ll be back next week; same bat-time, same bat-channel, to do this all again. But first-“ Screwball dashed toward the bars, pulled Tirek closer to her, and held her camera out in front of her and Tirek. She pushed the button and the camera flashed.
“Tartarus selfie!” Screwball shouted afterwards. Tirek merely rubbed his eyes to regain his vision.
Screwball took one look at the photo it produced and scowled.
“Oh damn it Tirek! You blinked!” Screwball said in aggravation.
“How did you not?! Did you even see how bright that was?!” Tirek screamed.
“Oh. I don’t blink…EVER. Bye asshole. See ya next week!” Screwball said before turning the stairs leading to Tirek’s prison into a swirly-slide and sliding all the way down with a loud and joyous “~WEEEEEEEE!!!~” and giving Cerberus (who was still munching on that bone after all this time) a pat on the head on her way out.
Tirek’s head was pounding from the intense headache Screwball had just given him, and he was NOT looking forward to seeing that pony every week for eternity.
“That pony dies first if I ever escape.” Tirek growled to himself.
