The Big Lyra Theory

by KillJoy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1142

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state until a magical unicorn discovered us on the internet wait…..What?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-03 23:44:12 UTC

Our Whole Universe!

I'm surprised no one did this yet. Okay, I'm not but this just popped in my mind. Done within thirty minutes out of sheer boredom.

Today was the day Lyra HeartStrings was going to stand up in front of the citizens of PonyVille and speak. Speak about the truth of humans and her theory behind them. She spent months, hell, she spent even years studying about these fascinating creatures which were only supposed to be myth. She was going to prove everypony wrong that Humans did exist and with her theory, they would have to believe her.

" So, Bon Bon, why are we all here again?" Twilight asked beside the beige mare.

" Well, Lyra is going out a speech but she never told me what it was abou--"

" It's starting! It's starting!" Pinkie Pie jumped up and down excitedly as Lyra appeared upon the stage.

" Greetings PonyVille!" Lyra exclaimed as she now read through flash cards within her grasp," We have gathered here today to witness and celebrate the wedding of Candence and...Wait, whoops, that's for next week," she smiled sheepishly and flipped through her cards.

" Ahem!" She cleared her throat," Today, I would like to inform you all of the existence of humans with my theory from hard work and dedication over the past months."

" Ugh, not this again," Bon Bon facehoofed.

" It is believed that they aren't even from Equestria!" Lyra started off shocking the entire audience.

What could have only been an audible gasp from the crowd, Rarity was the one mare to question her, " Th-then, what are they?!"

" Aliens," Lyra simply responded.

" It is believed that their whole universe was in a hot dense state until approximately fourteen billion years ago expansion started--"

" Wait," Twilight interrupted," That's longer than Equestria!"

" Well, we won't call it Equestria, they named their planet Earth!" She corrected Twilight and facehoofed," We are getting a bit off track here! Earth began to cool and the autotrophs drool--"

" Excuse me, but autotrophs don't drool, they produce their own food and thus-''

" Hey!" Lyra slammed her cards snapping at Twilight showing her dominance as top bitch. " This is my speech! MINE,"

" Jeez, sorry."

Lyra harrumphed and continued skipping a few cards," Let me make this a bit shorter for you all before I get anymore interruptions," she said glaring at Twilight. " Very much alike us, they studied Math, Science and History, built tools, walls and pyramids--"

" Just like in Las Pegasus?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed engrossed in her speech..

" I can't believe you're actually falling for this, she is just trying to make us watch My Little Human again!" Twilight hissed to the rainbow maned pegasus.

" Hey! I like that show!" Pinkie Pie said seeming to have taken offense.

" Of course you would, it's meant for foals." Well, that was a bit too harsh.

"-- Since the dawn of man was really not that long, as every galaxy was formed in less time than it took to say this speech. In a fraction of a second their elements were made."

For the umpteenth time, Lyra was interrupted once more by the lavender coated mare," THERE ARE MORE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY?!"

" Celestia dammit! Someone please get that pony out of here!" Lyra demanded and soon watched as two guard ponies forcefully dragged Twilight from the crowd.

" You'll be hearing this from my lawyer!" Twilight shouted being dragged on the floor.

You'd think Equestria won't need such things as lawyers. But actually, things like this happens every week.

" Yeah yeah, sue me," Lyra waved her off," Now! Can I please continue?!" The entire crowd nodded giving her the okay. Frustratingly, she used her magic once again to neaten her disheveled mane and to flip through the set of flash cards skipping a few useless details.

" Star Swirl The Bearded would really have been sick of them debating out while we're here gardening flowers, they're catching viruses. Religion and Astronomy--''

" Ugh, ah hate Celestia Witnesses, they always knock on my barndoor at six in the bucking morning, asking if ah want a copy of the Canterlot Tower," Applejack silently whispered to Fluttershy as Lyra continued.

Because you all don't need to know how the song goes. Don't lie to yourselves, we all know it.

" What do you do?" Fluttershy asked in her usual quiet tone.

" Ah burn them of course, something needs to keep the fire goin' . How do ya' think ah keep making them apple pies?"

''--and Astrology! It all started with the big bang!" And with that, Lyra had finished her entire speech. The crowd went wild stomping their hooves as an applause except for one confused pony who rose her hoof.

" Excuse me but where did you get this information?"

Lyra smiled and responded," Why of course, the most reliable source in Equestria!"

" Princess Celestia?"

" No! The Internet!" Lyra responded so sure of herself.

At first, there was silence, awkward silence. The tension in the air between that one pony on the stage and the crowd was so tight you could have fucked it. " Seems legit!" Pinkie broke the awkward silence.

The crowd went on a massive fit of laughter hearing her so called 'reliable source'." Hahahaha, did she say the internet?! C'mon Lyra! We all know the internet is made for clop!" Fluttershy exclaimed. Can you believe it? Fluttershy!

As much as Bon Bon wanted to stand up for her marefriend, she knew that if she did, the laughing stock would instantly be directed to her . She took a minute to decide and immediately stood tall taking a trot to the stage.

* BZZZTTTT PING!* Completely out of nowhere, Celestia teleported to the front of the stage grabbing Lyra and teleported back to Canterlot Castle leaving everypony confused.

" Do you know why I've brought you here?" Celestia furrowed her brow.

" To save me from embarrassment?" Lyra hoped.

" No, I'm going to banish you to the moon."

" Why?!"

" Because, I won't allow you spreading the truth. I've placed that on the internet so everypony would think it was a lie, and I can't allow you to destroy my hardwork." And immediately out of nowhere, a giant cannon emerged from the floor sucking Lyra into it's muzzle," I really hope you like bananas beeyatch."

Being shot to the moon, Lyra lived the rest of her life with the other conspirators that dared oppose Princess Celestia.

[ Moral of the story: Everything on the Internet is True]

Authors Note

I may do a chapter of Lyra on the moon....Who knows :trollestia:

THIS IS ALSO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CAN'T PASS THE WORD LIMIT!