The Sexual (mis)adventures of Twilight and Trixie

Chapters

First Time
Second Time
I get by with a little help from my friends: Pinkie
I get by with a little help from my friends: Rarity
I get by with a little help from my friends: Zecora
I get by with a little help from my friends: Rainbow Dash pt1
Completing the Cock Conundrum
Bonus Chapter: Cutting Room Floor
I get by with a little help from my friends: Rainbow Dash Pt 2

First Time

The tension was thicker than Trixie expected it to be. Much, much thicker. When she'd asked Twilight to take their relationship to the next level (For the fourth time) She was generally amazed when Twilight had finally given in, and declared it was time. Her body was ready, and Trixie wanted her more now than ever.

The candles were lit just so- perfume tingling in the air, and Twilight was sitting on the bed, adjacent to Trixie, and they were both blushing madly. The passion of the moment was overwhelming. Trixie was quivering, and Twilight was sweetly biting at her lower lip, doing whatever she could to avoid making eye contact.

This was it.

"...So...um..." Trixie sputtered. Twilight let her hair droop over her face, so she could hide behind the raven colored locks. She remained quiet, with her hooves on her knees, and her face down towards the floor. Trixie winced.

"Yes...um...So...this....this is it." Twilight sputtered. Trixie gave a forced, nervous little giggle and nodded her head.

A wicked silence weaved between them.

Twilight coughed.

Trixie glanced around at the candles she'd lit, and took note of the sweet smelling perfume still lingering about her nose. Twilight glanced over. Trixie smiled.

"...um...I...um...so...h, how do we...?" She mumbled. Trixie's blush grew even harder. She'd expected Twilight to have read millions upon millions of books on the subject, an expert in 'the pony sutra' and ready to take the reins of this 'experiment.'

The clock on the wall ticked quietly.

Twilight sheepishly glanced at Trixie and shot her a nervous grin. Hadn't Trixie done this before? Wild nights with sexy stallions while visiting the entire world? Seedy bars and raunchy performances no stage would dare ever admit? Why was she just sitting there?

"Y, you smell nice." Trixie squeaked in a shadow of a whisper. Twilight flashed a shaky smile.

"Thanks. I um, I like your mane."Twilight murmured. Trixie nodded her head, reaching up to adjust it with a hoof.

"Thank you. It's white." Trixie sputtered. Twilight glanced at the floor, and then at a picture on the wall.
Trixie was counting the number of floor boards she had. After a few moments, she glanced over at Twilight and closed her eyes.

"S, So...um...so can Trixie.. I mean do you want me to...err...Should Trixie kiss you?" Trixie stammered, blushing furiously. Twilight looked up, biting at her lower lip.

"If you want to. I don't wanna make you do anything you don't wanna do." She stammered. Trixie nodded her head.

They sat there.

"W, well, um, yeah, ok. "Trixie squeaked, slowly trying to maneuver her head towards Twilight, as Twilight did the same. They bumped noses.

"HA..um, left." Trixie muttered, twisting her head to her left, while Twilight did the same. They bumped noses.

"No, your left." Trixie advised. Twilight frowned.

"Wait, am I turning to my left, or are you turning to the left?" She asked. Trixie gave an awkward giggle.

"You are tilting to the left." She explained. Twilight nodded her head.

They sat there.

"Is this how you usually do this?" Twilight giggled quietly. Trixie blushed.

"The great and powerful TRIXIE has never...n, never needed to ...erm, to start...In fact the great and powerful Trixie has...h, has...never..." Trixie mumbled. Twilight looked away, blushing hard. Oh.

"S,so am I supposed to..um...I mean, how do we...is there a...do you have a...thing?" Twilight stammered. Trixie tilted her head.

"A thing?" She asked. Twilight's blush turned to a much darker shade of pink.

"Y-you know, one of those, um, horsie things...that, boy's have. " Twilight squeaked. Trixie stared.

"...Do I have a penis?" Trixie asked incredulously. Twilight immediately shook her head, sitting up straighter on the bed.

"N- no no! I mean, you know, a fake one?" Twilight squeaked. Trixie's right eyebrow began to raise. Higher. And higher. Then it cleared her forehead entirely and went careening out the window.

"Do I have a fake penis?" Trixie slowly asked.

"I mean, you know, someponies um, play, with um...I mean, girl ponies, play with...WHEW. OK. L-let's...let's start again. Left." Twilight exclaimed, leaning forward to kiss Trixie. They bumped noses.

"R, right, I mean, Right. I'll go right, you go left!" Twilight squeaked, closing her eyes for her first, real passionate kiss. She missed and crashed to the floor from the side of the bed. Twilight groaned in embarrassment. It was lean in, press lips, close eyes, savor. Not close eyes, lean in, press lips, savor.

"A, are you alright?!" Trixie squealed, reaching down to pluck Twilight from the floor. The purple pony leaned back onto the bed with a furious blush and nodded.

"Y, yeah, um, yeah. I'm good. Hoooow about we just start with talking. I've read a little bit about it. I hear it's supposed to help? So, tell me, Trixie what really motors your boat?" Twilight squeaked. Trixie tilted her head to one side.

"............What?" She quipped. Twilight frowned. Dirty talk was much harder than she originally thought. She could do this though. She was no silver tongued charmer, like Rarity, but she could do this!

"Come on, tell me how you want it." Twilight churred. She was hoping she sounded alluring and sexy, and not like she gargled with a coat hanger. Trixie tilted her head in confusion. Twilight's voice had changed- as if she'd been gargling with a coat hanger.

"Want...what?" Trixie asked. Twilight growled her best sexy growl and slowly scooted closer to Trixie.

"You know. It. You want it bad, don't you? I wanna stick my tongue into your...um... hot pink grease canal?" Twilight squawked. Trixie winced.

"Ok. Um, ok. Wow. You have clearly suffered a concussion. Trixie shall fetch nurse Red Heart. " Trixie said slowly, standing up while Twilight shook her head vibrantly.

"No I haven't! I'm perfectly fine! I'm just really hot for your sweaty...um..."She frowned. What was it that the foals said these days? The nastiest, filthiest thing you could call a mare's privates?

"I just...um...want to touch your sexy front butt." Twilight moaned. Wait. No. That didn't sound right. Trixie was slowly backing out of the room. Somehow, Twilight came to the conclusion that she might be going about this foreplay thing all wrong. She was PRETTY sure sex didn't involve leaving the room.

Or maybe it did. Ponies were into a LOT of weird stuff these days. Twilight sighed, climbing to her hooves, but Trixie quickly shook her head in a wild panic.

"NO! No, don't try to move! J, just stay where you are! I, neeeeeed you, to staaaaay, awaaaaake." Trixie squeaked, frantically waving her front hooves to try and keep Twilight calm. Twilight simply groaned.

"Trixie, I do NOT have a concussion! I was TRYING to um...yank your crank? You know, inspire arousal!" Twilight plead. Trixie slowly nodded her head, taking another step back.

"And you did very well! Trixie is, um, very aroused. MMMmm, yep. Trixie's crank has been yanked! Consider her boat motored, hehehe. Yup, yup, Trixie is just gonna head out for juuuuust a minute to talk to Nurse Red heart about, um...thaaaaaaaaat penis you wanted! Yeah! Trixie is sure she has one that Trixie can borrow or something. All you have to do, is stay here and not slip into a coma! " Trixie whimpered with a *Squee* grin. Twilight tried to shake her head.

"But I don't-" She whined, but Trixie was already madly scrambling out the door towards nurse Red Heart's place. Twilight gave a gentle sigh and closed her eyes. All-in-all it really wasn't to bad for her first time.

She just hoped she wouldn't somehow end up with someone's penis.

Author's Note

Just something silly I put together waiting for the train to take me away...

Second Time

Twilight stared.

Trixie's smile was bright and dazzling as it always was, gloriously shimmering and unapologetically wide.

Twilight stared.

It wasn't so much the statue of the penis in and of itself that upset Twilight, but the fact that Trixie felt the need to summon one directly into the bedroom of the library.

Twilight stared. In fact, she couldn't stop. It was like some horrible train wreck, only it was a giant penis in the middle of her bedroom.

"Ta-da! The great and powerful Trixie has done it again! Yes, yes, no need to thank Trixie, except with smooches, hee hee. What do you think, Twilight? Trixie read that erotic pieces of art can put ponies 'in the mood!' Trixie is sure we shall have no trouble getting the kissu kissu now!" Squeaked the blue pony. Twilight bit her lower lip.

"Go on, be honest!" Said Trixie. Twilight slowly nodded her head.

"Well...um....honest....OK...Ok this, and everything about this, is inherently troubling to me," said Twilight slowly. "Where did you even FIND a statue like this?" She whimpered.

"Fountain." Corrected Trixie. Twilight gave a visible shudder. Ok. So The penis was also a fountain, so there was that too. Twilight REALLY hoped it was water that shot from the tip, but...no. No. She didn't actually want to know what would come out of it.

"F-fountain. Yes...Where do you FIND a fountain like this?" Whimpered Twilight. Trixie beamed.

"Traders Exchange!" She exclaimed. Twilight slowly nodded her head.

"What did you trade for a giant penis fountain? ...Actually...actually no. No don't answer that. PLEASE don't answer that." Twilight squeaked.

Trixie grinned and stepped around the side of the fountain and nudged Twilight towards the bed, who blushed and giggled nervously. Even with the giant ...thing...in the middle of the room- Trixie still made her feel giddy and silly, like a filly. She leaned back onto the covers and gave Trixie a bashful grin.

"I've been reading too...let me...try something." She whispered. It had been a few days after their last attempt, and after a thorough examination from Nurse Red heart, and receiving treatment for the concussion she suffered trying to kiss Trixie, Twilight vowed she would not, could NOT allow that to happen again. Three days later, and an extensive tour of the libraries XXX section (She didn't even know they HAD an XXX section, but according to Spike, it was in the basement, two aisles to the left) Twilight was prepared to give it another try. Trixie wouldn't know what hit her!

Twilight leaned in slowly and watched as Trixie froze immediately. Tense and nervous- she was adorable, but Twilight was ready to take control of the situation this time. No more cold hooves! She'd saved the world before- how hard could sex be?

"Hold still..." Twilight whispered in her practiced, sexy whisper, slowly wriggling her tongue into Trixie's ear- who squealed and flailed the moment she felt the wet appendage wriggle in.

"NNnghhh!!! That feels alllllll kinds of wrong," whined Trixie with a shriek of disgust. Twilight winced, splaying her ears against her head at Trixie's vibrant objection to her latest attempt at intimacy.

"W-was that sexy? Are you aroused? Let me try this!" Twilight exclaimed, leaning forward to bite Trixie on the ear. She read that was supposed to be hot. Trixie screamed. Twilight frowned.

"D-did I do something wrong? Are you hot for me? Um...your blood tastes....good?" Twilight whimpered. The book said ear nibbling and tongue along the rim was supposed to be arousing, so ear biting, and the tongue IN the ear, should, in theory, double the effect! However, upon closer inspection, Trixie did not seem to be aroused.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Trixie snarled, grabbing the closest thing she could - Twilight's pillow- to wedge into her ear and hopefully stop the bleeding. Twilight whimpered quietly, instantly apologetic.

"I-I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bite that hard! The book said-"Twilight began, but Trixie cut her off, holding up a hoof with a groan.

"Never read from that book again! "Trixie huffed. Twilight nodded, mentally adding "Intercourse for Dummies" to her list of books never to read from again, next to the Necronomicon, and 'The Da Vinci Code.' Still, Twilight had a secret weapon up her proverbial sleeve. She grinned quietly and leaned back on the bed.

"Well, I was afraid this might happen, but I have a backup plan." Twilight said slowly. Trixie frowned.

"You were afraid you were going to bite me? Is this a reoccurring problem for you? Biting ponies? Because Trixie is pretty sure that makes you a psychopath." Trixie grumbled. Twilight rolled her eyes and wiggled her hips, her horn starting to flicker as she prepared her spell. In a bright flash of purple, Twilight found herself grinning- and her head filling with a language she'd read was the 'language of love'

"Hohohoh, zis iz, how you say, so hot, yes?" Asked Twilight, flashing Trixie an alluring smile. Trixie frowned.

"...You...you cast a spell to make yourself sound like Pepe Le Pew?" Asked Trixie. Twilight sighed.

"Non non, mon petite cheri! I 'ave cast ze spell to speak ze language of Prance! It is tres romantic, is it not? Come here, let me, teach you ze art of love, oui?" Twilight murred, leaning in to nuzzle against Trixie's ear tenderly.

"S'il vous plaît. Laissez-moi vous lécher le sexe cabinet..." Moaned Twilight in the silky language of Prance. Trixie bit her lower lip. She didn't quite understand what Twilight was saying, but she felt vaguely threatened.

"Err...Trixie...um...can't ...can't really understand you, and-"

"Twilight?! I'm home!" Called a cheerful voice from downstairs. Spike. That was Spike. Spike was in the house. Spike was NOT supposed to be in the house. Spike was SUPPOSED to be at a comic book signing. This presented a challenge.

"[[QUICKLY! REMOVE THE PENIS FROM THE ROOM! REMOVE THE PENIS!!]]" Screamed Twilight, but all that came out of her mouth was " RAPIDEMENT ! Retirer le pénis de la chambre ! Retirer le pénis !!"

"What are you saying?! Trixie can't understand you!" Trixie hissed. Twilight wildly flailed her arms, pointing at the statue, hoping Trixie would get the message. Trixie's eyes widened.

"The fountain? On it!" Trixie exclaimed, her horn turning bright blue with magic, as did the giant erect phallus. From it's tip, launched a surging torrent of clearish ( For the love of Celestia, please let that be water) liquid that caught Spike in the face as he hopped up the stairs and sent him sprawling back down with a sound Twilight had never heard before from a baby dragon. It sounded like a vacuum cleaner mixed with unbridled terror, crossed with a lawn mower. Somehow, deep down inside- Twilight knew Spike would never again be the same. Slowly, she turned to Trixie, who stood staring at the stairway where Spike took a penis to the face.

"Ohmycelestia, is he dead?!" Trixie squealed. Twilight gave a pained groan. She was almost positive she was doing this 'sex' thing all wrong, at this point. Even after all the reading she'd been doing...How could something that was supposed to feel so good, go so horribly, horribly wrong? She was almost at her wits end...and realized...slowly...there was only one thing left to do...

The fountain gave a spurt.

It was evening when the letter arrived, delivered by a cross eyed mail mare. Princess Celestia had been winding down for the day, and the stars and moon were shining high in the sky. She beamed at letter, although curious as it was sent via post instead of the magical connection held by Spike, it was still a lovely little reminder that her favorite student thought of her.

Dear Princess Celestia.

As you know, I have been studying the magic of friendship, and have recently ventured into the world of relationships. This has been a rich tapestry of horrors that I fear I may never recover from. Spike is...no longer functional, at the moment, so please forgive the arrival of this letter. Also, I'm sorry that it is sticky. There has been an incident with the fountain that has taken up residence in my home. We have discovered not to taunt it, nor look directly at it, but it still manages to surprise us from time to time.

I am writing you this letter requesting assistance with my assignment, and perhaps, advice. Please give me advice. Please. Perhaps a study guide, or maybe some crib notes? I'm not picky at this point, and I am fairly certain relationships should not produce the kind of nightmares I've been having.

In other news, Spike is making good progress with his therapy, and the doctor says he might even start talking this week. I hope you are doing well.

Your Faithful student; Twilight Sparkle.

Author's Note

Well...not bad for your second try...Eh Twilight?
Someone said I should do more of this. It made me giggle- so who am I to argue? :D

I get by with a little help from my friends: Pinkie

The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and pegasi zipped this way and that around the lovely little town of Ponyville. Twilight Sparkle, however, felt as if the whole world was bathed in the awkward darkness that was her sexuality. She had found, often, that sitting in the park, and taking in the town around her helped clear her head when she had a problem, but today it just seemed to make things that much worse.

It was a beautiful spring day, and all around her, couples seemed to be enjoying themselves. Lyra and Bonbon sitting awkwardly on a nearby bench. Vinyl Scratch and Octavia meandering along the flower laden paths and Cranky Doodle Donkey, making out with Matilda. Twilight balked. That was an amazing amount of tongue for a donkey.

She sighed once again and shifted her position, looking over the letter Princess Celestia had sent Via Derpy.

Dear Twilight Sparkle

I am always glad to hear from my faithful student, and I am ever humbled that you continue to seek out my council, but for this particular problem, I would recommend consorting with your friends for advice. I myself am not much for the relationship scene, my last date being Discord, and that was...complicated.

Very complicated.

Very very very complicated.

As you know our personal letters are to remain private.

-Your faithful teacher, Celestia

Twilight read the letter, then re-read it again. Then a third time just to make sure, before giving a sigh. This sex thing was more complicated than advanced magic theories and principals. She really liked Trixie, as odd as it felt to think that, and she was sure Trixie liked her, but every time they tried to show it, anything and everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Stupid Murphy.

"Ugh...this is stupid. I just need...I need a pony that is sophisticated. A pony that knows her way around a bedroom. A pony that could teach me the ins and outs of romance...I need..." Twilight mumbled to herself, before Pinkie Pie leaned in from somewhere behind her and screamed.

"RAINBOW DASH! Is it Rainbow Dash? It's Rainbow Dash isn't it?! Oh, oh, oh, wait, is it Spitfire? Oh, I know! It's Bulk Biceps isn't it?! What are we playing?!" Pinkie squealed. Twilight's fur heckled in alarm, and she gave a groan. No. No not Pinkie. Of all the ponies that could have stumbled upon her. It was as if Murphy had it out for her specifically...

"Err...i, it's not a game Pinkie, I have a...um...It's just...it's something silly, so don't-" Twilight started, but Pinkie hopped into her lap and gave a squeal.

"I LOVE silly things! OH, oh, oh, is it a pineapple that's under the sea? Thats pretty silly! OH, how about wars over religion!? That's super silly! Wait, I know, the Republican party!!" Pinkie screamed. Ponies were starting to glance over, and Twilight felt a terrible pressure to silence Pinkie.

With Piano wire.

"P, Pinkie. I'm just having some...um...relationship issues. " Twilight sighed. She regretted it. She regretted it the moment the words left her lips. She immediately regretted the decision.

"Oh? Is that all! Well, Twilight all you need to do is say the word and they'll be swimming with the fishies in no time." Pinkie said firmly. Twilight frowned.

"Sleeping with th- Pinkie, Its not that kind of problem, and I'd really rather not talk about it in pub-" Twilight began, but Pinkie was a terrible power once unleashed, and Twilight had blown the doors wide open.

"Did you forget his birthday, your anniversary, the first song you two ever danced too? OH! HE forgot YOUR birthday, that no good rotten freaking low-down dirty BUM! Don't worry Twilight, I'll throw you a "forgot-your-birthday-surprise party!" Oh, no, SHOOT, I just told you it was a surprise party! Ok, no problem, I'll just set up another, "After-forgot-your-birthday-surprise-party" So you won't know about THAT one! SHOOT, WAIT-" Twilight groaned.

"P, Pinkie it's nothing like that, and it-" Twilight started, but Pinkie was racing around in circles now.

"OH, did he HIT you?! TWILIGHT! You don't DESERVE that kind of relationship! That isn't healthy at all, and if you need a pony to talk to I-" Pinkie squealed. Twilight's head was going to explode.

"Pinkie that's not it at-" Twilight tried. Pinkie nodded.

"OH! IT'S SEX!!! IT'S SEX ISN'T IT?! YOU'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH SEX?! ARE YOU FRIGID?! I don't know what that means but Mr. Cake says that a lot in his room sometimes when he's wrestling with Ms Cake. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK YOUR HOO-HAA?!" Pinkie screamed. Twilight's face resembled a boiled lobster.

"Pinkie! Quiet, it isn't ...I mean that's not...it isn't a he, it's-" Twilight didn't know why that was important to say. She just didn't want Pinkie getting the wrong idea, although, in retrospect, that might have been the better alternative.

"OOOOOOOOOOH You're a Filly Fooler! Hehehehehee *Snort* I didn't know that, but it's totally ok, because sometimes I think I'm a Filly Fooler too! I call those days Saturdays! Wait, is it Trixie? You've been hanging out with her an awful lot lately! She's a super meanie pants sometimes, but maybe thats just on the outside? Oh, Twilight I'm so happy you two are getting along! But your not getting along are you? You're having sexual prob-"

It wasn't that Twilight TRIED to teleport Pinkie into the sun. It just sort of happened. It also didn't work. Instead of the blissful, awkward silence of an empty park with Pinkie Pie somewhere near 400,0000 million degrees, Twilight found herself, suddenly, sitting on her bed with Pinkie Pie laying on the floor, giggling wildly. She suddenly, to Twilight's surprise, shot up into a sitting position and stared into space.

"Hmmmm seems to me the solution for this is a party!" Pinkie squealed cheerfully. Twilight's ears flattened against her skull.

"Thats your answer for everything." Twilight sighed, but Pinkie was already bouncing on her rump in small circles around Twilight, shrieking loudly.

"YEAH! I'll start making the invitations! We'll have balloons, and cake, and streamers, and cake, and punch, and cake, and sex!" giggled Pinkie.

"OK. I'm preeeeeetty sure I don't want a sex party." Twilight whimpered. Pinkie grinned broadly.

"How do you know unless you try it?!" She giggled. Twilight frowned.

"I'm...I'm sure. I am one hundred percent sure on this. Pinkie. Do not throw me a sex party." Twilight said flatly. Pinkie was eating a balloon she'd gotten from somewhere.

"Did you know a sex party is called an orgy?! We can invite all of our friends! Rainbow Dash, Mr Spirits, from the liquor shop, Button Mash, Pound Cake, Pumpkin Cake, ooooh all the cakes, Fluttershy, Rarity, Scootaloo... " Pinkie squeaked, rattling off more and more names. Twilight wildly shook her head.

"What?! Scoota- Pinkie, NO!" Twilight growled. Pinkie frowned.

"Just because you don't know how to use your hoo-haa, doesn't mean we have to exclude ponies, Twilight! A party is for everyone!" Pinkie explained.

"A sex party is NOT for everyone, Pinkie!" Twilight snapped. Pinkie stared.

"I never pegged you as an elitist, Twilight. Fine, who do YOU want on the guest list. I'll make two sets of invitations. One that reads "Twilight has chosen YOU to come to her sex carnival, and the OTHER set will be "Twilight has NOT chosen you to come to her orgy since she doesn't like you, and doesn't want to be your friend anymore." Pinkie sniffled. Twilight balked.

"What? No, Pinkie, I'm not excluding anypon-" Twilight whimpered. Pinkie's grin doubled in size and lopped the top part of her head off. Twilight screamed.

"OH, Twilight! I knew it! I KNEW you weren't a meanie mean pants! You don't even WEAR pants! Heheheehahahaha, this is gonna be the best sex party EVER! We'll have party hats, and games, and balloons, and inflatable sheep, and-"

"Pinkie, NO! We're not going to have any of those things!" Twilight barked. Pinkie frowned.

"B, but what will Sweetie-Belle and the rest of the foals do while we have our orgy....unless....you want them to join in? Twilight!" Pinkie shrieked. Twilight just stared.

"No, Pinkie, I don't wa-"

"Alright, we'll have two rooms then. One for the fillies and foals, the other for all the grown up ponies! Oooh, that's a brilliant idea Twilight! Now EVERYPONY can learn about having orgasms and sex and not being a bitch! Not just you! You're so thoughtful!" Pinkie giggled.

"...This can't be happening." Twilight sighed. Pinkie was spinning around in circles, mumbling to herself.

"We can have THEMED games, like pin the tongue on the-" She said before Twilight stuffed a hoof into her mouth.

"Pinkie. Pinkie I need you to listen to me very, very carefully. Do not, under any circumstance, throw me a sex party. Do not throw me an orgy. Do not throw me a SURPRISE sex party. Do not throw me a SURPRISE orgy. If you choose to ignore everything I just said to you, do NOT under any circumstance, invite foals, fillies or colts to your surprise sex party. I do not want a sex party. Do you understand? Please tell me you understand. I REALLY need to you understand. This is super important Pinkie, because I do not want to go to jail." Twilight begged. Pinkie peered at Twilight before her lips slowly twisted into a grin, and she gave Twilight a salute.

"Ahhhh, gotcha! Heehehehehe, ok, Twilight you're the boss!" Pinkie beamed. Twilight narrowed her eyes.

"What do you mean 'gotcha'? Gotcha, as in "I'm not going to throw Twilight Sparkle a sex party, right?" Twilight asked cautiously. Pinkie giggled and winked.

"Riiiiight. No parties. I gotcha." She grinned. Twilight frowned.

"Pinkie? Pinkie no. No parties. No parties, no orgies, no brew-ha-ha's, no shin-digs, no sock-hops, no merry-making, no bashes, no nothing! Understand?" Twilight snarled. Pinkie was staring into space.

"...Ooooo we can use condoms instead of balloons...can you make balloon animals out of condoms? ....I'm sorry, Twilight, what were you saying, I was thinking about...um....NOT....throwing you...a ...sex party- Heeeey, whats this?!" Pinkie asked, bouncing up to the giant penis in the middle of the room.

"PINKIE! NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT!!" Twilight screamed- but it was too late. Before Twilight knew it, the penis struck again, blasting Pinkie Pie with a powerful torrent of ...liquid... that sent her flying through the window.

"P...Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie are you ok?" Twilight whimpered, looking through the splattered bay windows and out over the balcony.

"...I think landed on my keys..." Came a withered voice from down below. Twilight winced.

"You don't have keys, Pinkie Pie." Twilight explained. There was a long few seconds of silence, before the voice rose up again.

"Oh. Then you should probably call a doctor." Whimpered the voice. Twilight sighed quietly. This sex thing was getting more and more complicated by the minute...

Author's Note

Well...thats one problem solved...

This is all just for fun, and kicks and giggles guys, hope everyone is enjoying- just remember- it's only a story. <3

I get by with a little help from my friends: Rarity

There it was. The Carousel Boutique. Bastion for all things gaudy and ostentatious. It was a veritable melting pot for all things carnal and decadent, and inside, it's mistress; Rarity.

Strangely enough, approaching the building put Twilight in a calmed state. As if the idea of Rarity, taking her hoof and guiding her through this miserable sexual adolescence was almost reassuring. Rarity would know how to fix everything, Twilight was certain of it, and so, the purple unicorn trotted up the steps and gently rapt her hoof across the door. Rarity was there in a flash, beaming her perky, perfect smile, and beckoning Twilight into her home.

"Twilight! Darling! Always good to see you, dear! Please won't you come in? What can I do for you this afternoon?" Rarity squeaked, always delighted to see Twilight. The flustered purple unicorn trotted in slowly and shot Rarity a shaky grin.

"I...um...I have a problem." Twilight stammered nervously. Rarity nodded her head quietly, ushering Twilight through her boutique and into her lounging area, where she gestured for Twilight to have a seat, giving her a warm smile.

"Well, I'd be happy to hel-" Rarity squeaked, before Twilight cut her off.

"IT'S SEX!" She blurted out in a rush.

Rarity stared.

"Beg your pard-"

"I've been trying and trying to get it right, but things just won't work the way they do in the books! I mean, we can't even get our kisses right, and then I got a concussion, and the book just said nibble, but I tried to bite, and she screamed and there was blood everywhere and then a penis shot Spike in the face and Pinkie wanted to make a sex carnival but now I think she's dead, and I just don't know what to do! I'm HORRIBLE at this, Rarity! Horrible! I'm like a sexual tsunami! A disaster! I am a natural sex disaster!" Twilight sobbed.

"........Let me put on some coffee." Said Rarity.

Twilight stared at the fat length of latex and rubber that bobbled between her legs, glistening with lubricant and the glossy sheen of a toy that had just been peeled free of it's box. She slowly glanced to Rarity, who was standing beside her, beaming brightly.

"I am one hundred percent sure, I want nothing to do with this." Twilight said flatly. Rarity gave a quiet giggle, and tapped Twilight on her hip.

"Darling, calm down. The problem here seems to be your confidence in the matter. With this device, you'll find all the confidence you could ever need and then some. This will help you take charge of the situation! You'll be a dominant in no time!" Rarity explained. Twilight frowned. The ...object in question was at least 15 inches long, and as thick as her foreleg. To be honest- it terrified her. Why did Rarity even HAVE something like this? Wait, wait, no. No, that was yet another question Twilight was sure she didn't want answered.

"I am entirely confident I do not want to be attached to this. Plus, I think if I tried to use this it would probably kill Trixie. H, how is this even legal? Shouldn't this be classified as a weapon?" She whimpered. Rarity rolled her eyes.

"Nonsense darling, it's safe as safe can be. Now, all you need do, is rise up on your hind legs, theeeere you go, and thrust your hips forward." Rarity explained cheerfully. Twilight had done just as she'd asked, raising up onto her hind legs with a nervous wobble. She gently thrust her hips forward, watching the glossy black object bounce in front of her.

"This...this is easy..." Said Twilight sheepishly. Rarity beamed.

"Yes, darling, that's it, just like that, now, a little bit harder!" Rarity explained, while Twilight threw her hips forward. The lube soaked toy flew up and slapped her in the face, splattering strawberry flavored gel into her eyes.

"ARRGHHHH!! OH, GOD, RARITY I THINK IT BIT ME!! RARITY!!? RARITY HELP I CAN'T SEE!" Screamed Twilight, holding her hooves out in front of her, and turning sharply left and right, trying to grab onto Rarity for support.

"It's ok, Twilight! Darling, just relax and I'll-"

THUNK. The faux stallionhood collided with something. Hard. This was followed by the unmistakable sound of a body crashing to the floor.

"R, Rarity?!" The blinded Twilight screamed, perking her ears in dread. There was no reply. No...NO this couldn't be happening...Twilight needed to find help- she had to do something quickly! There might still be time to save Rarity! And with that thought in mind, Twilight threw her horn into the air, and teleported to the hospital.

Blinded and scared, however, Twilight's natural instincts took over, and she immediately teleported herself to someplace she knew was safe; 'the library.'

"T, Twilight...Twilight y, you're back...h, Hello Twilight." came a young, frightened voice from behind her. Twilight's ears perked in surprise. This wasn't the hospital...

"Sp, Spike?! Spike I need your help, I think I just killed Rarity!" Twilight whimpered, turning around with her hooves out stretched, trying to feel for the young dragon to help guide her. Spike stared in absolute horror at the massive toy jutting from Twilight's privates.

"Oh...OH GOD IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE!!!" Spike shrieked. The next sound to greet Twilight's ears was that of a window shattering, followed by the wild screams of a horrified baby dragon. Twilight gave a groan. These events had her day plotted out for her.

A: Restore Vision
B: Check on Rarity
C: Find Spike
D: Purchase first train ticket out of town and never look back.

Author's Note

Well, Rarity was the sure choice in the matter but....uh....not so much now...

I get by with a little help from my friends: Zecora

It was early. It was very early. It was so very early that it still constituted as late. Zecora was not expecting visitors, nor did she want visitors, and yet, at two am there was somepony wildly pounding at her door. With a sleepy groan, the zebra hoisted herself up from her bed, and trudged to the door, opening it while peering out of bleary eyes. Twilight Sparkle tumbled in with a squeal.

Zecora did not care.

"Twilight Sparkle now on the floor, what brings *Yawn* You knocking on my do-" Zecora groaned, before she was cut off by a frantic pony squeal. Zecora had to admit, Twilight had looked better. Her mane was a mess, her eyes were beady, and she was trembling as she pulled herself to her hooves. Somewhere, deep in her mind, Zecora realized that whatever had just happened to her- whatever she’d just done, was going to turn out to be a ‘thing’. A ‘thing’ that was not going to let her finish her rem cycle until it was dealt with. Sometimes this town...

"ZECORA! Y, You have to help me!! I screwed up! I screwed up really, really badly!" "Twilight squealed. Zecora rolled her eyes.

"So much trouble, you do accrue, tell me, Twilight, *Yawn* what did you do?" Zecora mumbled. Twilight leapt up onto her hind hooves, gesturing like crazy with her forearms.

"I lost my penis!" She screamed.

Zecora stared.

"My penis! I mean, Trixie's penis! I mean, Trixie gave me a penis and I lost it. I mean, the penis in the library. The library penis! It's gone! I mean, ugh, Trixie traded something for a penis and then gave the penis to me so we could have sex, but it didn't work and now I've lost it! " Twilight sputtered wildly.

Zecora stared.

"Have you been drinking?" Zecora asked. There wasn't a rhyme for that. There just wasn't.

"No, I haven't been drinking! Why do ponies keep asking me that?! I wanted to move it from my bedroom to the basement but it was too heavy to move on my own, and Trixie is away doing a show, so I cast a movement spell on it to give it legs, and walk it down stairs, but it ran off and now I don't know where it's gone, AND WE HAVE TO FIND IT BEFORE PRINCESS CELESTIA DISCOVERS I CREATED A WALKING PONY PLEASER!" Twilight sobbed.

Zecora stared.

"DID YOU HEAR ME?!" Twilight squealed.

Zecora nodded.

"D, don't you...don't you have any advice...or, or some brew you can mix up to help me?" Twilight whimpered.
Zecora slowly opened her mouth, pausing thoughtfully, and then slowly shut it. Advice? For a runaway penis? The zebra shook her head.

"What am I supposed to do?" Twilight squeaked.

Zecora stared at Twilight long and hard for a lengthy few minutes, before she finally shrugged her shoulders.

"From that story, you're out of luck, poor Twilight Sparkle, I think you're -"

Chasing after a giant stone penis was not what Zecora expected she'd be doing at three am in the morning. No. No this was actually something she'd not have guessed. If you'd offered her 10 billion bits, and gave her one million guesses- this would not be on the list. This wouldn't have even come close. Twilight was leading the way, slowly slipping down the empty, silent streets of Ponyville with Zecora in tow.

"Keep your eyes peeled. It could be anywhere. I didn't mean to give it sentience, but it took off on it's own...what do you think would attract a giant stone penis fountain?" Twilight whispered as she tiptoed along. Zecora frowned.

"For what do you think, and giant shlong would hunt? I have your answer, it rhymes with your aunt." Zecora grumbled. Twilight frowned. What rhymed with her aunt that a penis might want? Front...Blunt...Punt...Runt...

"A stunt?" Asked Twilight. Zecora raised an eyebrow.

"Look it's late, ok, I'm tired. Lets just-" Twilight began before the sound of hoof falls drew her attention immediately. She and Zecora had been crouched along the wall of Sugar Cube Corner, while they were lurking through town, and thats when it happened! Around the side of Sugar Cube corner came Applejack, racing like her tail were on fire. She slammed into Twilight and Zecora, and they tumbled into a helpless ball of flailing limbs.

"YOU! I KNEW you it had to be YOU who was behind this!" Applejack snarled, prying herself from the Twilight and Zecora pretzel.

"W, what? Behind what? Applejack what happe-" Twilight began, but stopped when her answer leaped out in front of them.

"YEEEEEEEEE-HAW, IMMA GIT MY CUTIE-MARK IN THIS FER-SURE!" Screamed a perky voice. Apple Bloom shot across the road, riding the penis with a lasso wrapped around it's 'head' and holding on for dear life.

Applejack, Twilight and Zecora watched in silence as Apple Bloom rode the penis down the street and turned a corner sharply, disappearing from view. Twilight swallowed a lump in her throat.

"A, Applejack.... Applejack are you mad?" She asked quietly. Applejack gently nodded her head.

"Is it about Apple Bloom riding a giant penis?" She winced.

Applejack gently nodded her head again.

"Thought so. "Twilight sighed.

"OK. First, Ah'm gonna need ya'll help stopping that rogue ding-a-ling, then Ah'm gonna need ya'll ta come up with a new word for me to describe just how incredibly ANGRY I am with ya'll, since I don't think that word actually exists." Applejack huffed. Zecora gave a groan.

"A fight you both, can later pick, but now, it runs towards the clinic!" Zecora screamed. True enough, the giant monstrosity was headed right towards the Ponyville hospital. Twilight covered her eyes with her hooves. This could not be happening. THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING.

Even with her eyes closed, she could hear the squeals from Apple Bloom, and the sound of concrete shattering as the giant cock ripped it's way through a wall like the Kool-aid-man. Only Twilight was positive it wasn't kool-aid it was dripping. It exploded out the other side of the hospital, rampaging along with Apple Bloom still hanging on for dear life. Apple Bloom and a new rider: Pinkie Pie.

"Heeeeey, looks like Twilight invited fillies to her Sex Carnival after all!" She squealed happily, hanging on tightly as the fountain bucked, and hopped, and bounced around down the street, spraying houses and sidewalks and anything in front of it down in an alabaster gooey mess.

Slowly, Twilight uncovered her eyes and watched in absolute horror as the beastly cockasaurus rampaged down the street. This was the worst. Sex. Ever.

Author's Note

Just getting worse and worse and worse for you, Twilight...

I get by with a little help from my friends: Rainbow Dash pt1

Twilight and Zecora sat in the middle of the library listening to the silence that deafened the room. This
was no ordinary silence – no, not the type that comes after an awkward inappropriate joke nor the sort
that spills into the room when a foal asks an adult what "intercourse" is for the first time.

No, no, no, this was the sort of silence that could only be summoned after a giant penis fountain grew a
pair of legs, destroyed a library and went rampaging through town with a child riding on its back.

This silence was legendary and treading dangerously close to biblical.

"While I think there is no fear of doom / Our first task should be Apple Bloom." Zecora yawned.
Twilight shook her head.

"I don't think she's in any real danger. I mean, she's with Pinkie Pie and it seems benign in nature.
Applejack went after her after all. I'm sure they'll be fine..." Twilight explained. Zecora raised an
eyebrow.

"A giant shaft betwixt her thighs / And she'll be fine, with Pinkie Pie? / How calm you are, I'd like to
see / When you get her bills for therapy." Zecora snorted.

Twilight gave a groan and rolled her eyes. She'd been searching for a way to cancel out the spell she'd
cast, but there seemed to be some sort of strange magical interference surrounding the statue in
question. Trixie's magic, which seemed to cause strange effects on objects mixed with Twilight's magic.
Luckily, Twilight was sure things couldn't get any worse–

"Twiiiiiiiiiiilight! The great and powerful Trixie has returned from her shooooooooooooooooooow! Are
you ready to get sticky?!" came a voice from the front doors. Twilight's ears wilted to either side of her
head.

Damn it all to Tartarus.

Slowly, Twilight turned about, flashing Trixie her warmest "this-is-a-really-bad-time" smile. Trixie
seemed non-plussed, instead slowly stepping over debris and garbage and glancing around the library
with a raised eyebrow.

"...Twilight? Wheres Trixie's penis? Also, why is there a giant-penis-shaped hole in the wall? Please do
not tell Trixie these things coincide." Trixie growled. Twilight gave Trixie a nervous grin and glanced
to Zecora for help.

"Twilight bought your dick to life / And it now fills the town with strife." Zecora explained. Twilight
groaned.

"Thanks, Zecora." she sighed.

"It scampered off and stole a child..." Zecora quipped helpfully.

"Thank you. Zecora." Twilight grumbled through gritted teeth.

"...I don't doubt charges have been filed." Added Zecora

"THANKS. ZECORA." Twilight snarled.

"Atop it now rides Pinkie Pie! / Soon, subpoenas to the sky!" Zecora exclaimed.

"NOT HELPING!" Twilight barked, before she flashed a nervous smile at Trixie.

Trixie did not smile back. She stood there, quietly vibrating in anger. Sex was not supposed to be this
difficult. It wasn't. It. Just. Wasn't.

"The town is already skeptical about Trixie, Twilight! And now you’re telling me Trixie's cock is rampaging
through the streets?!" Trixie snarled. Twilight sighed and gave a quiet nod, wincing at the hateful stare
from Trixie.

"Look, we can sort everything out later. Right now we have to save Apple Bloom, okay? Applejack has
already headed out to try and find her, but they could be anywhere. The three of us versed in magical
knowledge should work on figuring out an anti-penis spell.” Twilight explained.

Zecora nodded her head. "A cock block!" she exclaimed.

Twilight tilted her head to one side, but before she could ask what a 'cock block' was, Trixie was
already nodding her head.

"Yes! A magical cock block! That would work, but who will fetch the foal? We need somepony fast
who can take care of this as soon as possible. The last thing Trixie needs is a picture of her penis in the
paper." Trixie growled.

– ♀♂♀ –

"...............................................................what?" Rainbow Dash asked slowly. Twilight groaned. She
was starting to get tired of explaining this. Rainbow Dash was hovering just in front of the library now,
having been flagged down by Twilight and her vibrant wild screaming. Rainbow had just woken up, and she'd
figured it had something to do with the trail of destruction leading from the library and through town,
but now that Twilight was talking to her about it, Rainbow wasn't entirely sure she was awake.

"You want me to...find..." Rainbow struggled to finish her sentence. It was far too surreal.

"A giant penis." said Twilight.

Rainbow stared.

"Twilight. Uh... look, I don't know how to say this but I don't really um, you know...uh...I kinda play for
the other team." Rainbow stammered quietly. Twilight frowned and rolled her eyes.

"Rainbow Dash, this is serious, and no time to talk about sports! I need you to help me find a penis!" Twilight growled. Rainbow Dash bit her lower lip and glanced around, hoping that somewhere there might be a hidden camera, or the tell-tale giggle-snort of a Pinkie Prank. Sadly, there was no evidence of such.

"You, uh... you mean like a date? 'Cause, I, I mean, I don't, uh... I don't like boys." Rainbow Dash
coughed.

Twilight immediately shook her head at that and sighed. Why couldn't things just be easy? Why was
sex so complicated? Did earth ponies have this problem? Did pegasi?

"Rainbow Dash, this has nothing to do with boys!" Twilight grumbled.

Rainbow Dash stared. "Uh, Twilight? Penises are usually ATTACHED to boys. They're like a set." she
said.

"Not this one!" said Twilight.

"..." said Rainbow Dash.

"It belongs to Trixie." said Twilight.

"..." said Rainbow Dash.

"Ugh. Look: I was trying to have sex with Trixie and it wasn't working, so Trixie bought a giant penis
statue (which is actually a fountain, don't ask) to try and put us in the mood, but it didn't work, and she
had to leave to do a show, and I didn't want it sitting in my bedroom but it was too heavy to move on its
own, so I brought it to life so it could walk down stairs, but instead it went through the wall, and
Applejack tried to lasso it, but that didn't work, and now Apple Bloom is trying to get her Cutie Mark
in cock riding and WE HAVE TO FIND IT!" Twilight said.

".............................................what." said Rainbow Dash.

"ARRRGGHHH! WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR EVERYPONY?! I JUST NEED YOU TO FIND MY
GIANT WALKING DICK!!" Twilight snarled and stormed into the library, slamming the door shut
behind her!

Rainbow Dash stared at the door while her ears perked at the sounds of a frustrated Twilight behind it.
Even if it didn't make any sense and even if it sounded totally nuts, Rainbow Dash was the element of
Loyalty, and she would not let her friends down. Friendship was magic after all. And sometimes, that
magic was really, really messed up.

Author's Note

...
What, you didn't think this story was dead, did you? ;)

Completing the Cock Conundrum

It was quiet. It was too quiet. The usual hustle and bustle of Canterlot had turned to a frightfully eerie calm as the two unicorns set foot into the town, looking around nervously. No guards to greet them. No socialites parading about with the latest mane style or showcasing the shiniest pair of silver horse shoes. No, Canterlot was deafening in it's silence and it made Twilight shudder.

"Something is wrong here. " Twilight hissed quietly, narrowing her eyes and peering around the ghost town. Trixie gave a quiet groan.

"The uh, giant penis shaped hole in the wall over there clue you in on that one Sherlock?" Trixie asked gruffly. Twilight shook her head, gesturing around at the empty town in front of them.

"Why is it so quiet, Trixie? You'd expect there to be alarms ringing, guards running left and right, some sort of evacuation!" Twilight explained, while Trixie stepped forward with a fatigued groan.

"What alarm would they ring, Twilight? Does Canterlot have a penis alarm? Something the guards ring during the end times, when the great cock-apocalypse happens? Did Princess Celestia foresee the storm of ten million floppy horse dicks and built an alarm for just such an occasion? Do tell, Twilight, what would they ring? Any warning bell would draw it's attention, AND the townsponies, and then it would be the dry cleaning bills from Tartarus." Trixie snarled. Twilight gave a sigh. Trixie could get so grumpy when she didn't have her afternoon nap...

"OK, ok, I get it. Lets just split up and see if we can track it down. " Twilight suggested, while Trixie tilted her head, as if her marefriend had gone insane.

"Uh huh. This plan of yours. It seems unwise. " Trixie pointed out. Twilight gave a groan.

"And why is it unwise, Trix?" She snarled, turning towards the blue unicorn with a huff of frustration. Trixie stared at her quietly.

"You want us; two tender, young, nubile ponies, to split up, in a silent town, knowing full well there is a giant, out of control penis roaming the country side. It's like you want to hold up a sign that says "PLEASE RAVAGE US, AND HEY, BRING YOUR TENTACLE FRIENDS TOO, WHY NOT!" Trixie groused. Twilight narrowed her eyes and blew a tuft of her purple bangs out of her eyes.

"Look I have a plan alright. We need to attract it. I plan to use a giant spell and a fake plaster mold of your vagina." Twilight explained. Trixie stared.

"You are a danger to yourself and others. First of all why don't we use your vagina for this? And second of all, "No." Trixie grumbled. Twilight immediately shook her head, her cheeks turning a bright scarlet.

"I-I'm not going to have my giant vagina roaming around the town looking for some dick!" She sputtered. Trixie gave a snort.

"Well Trixie's penis is already devastating homes and destroying families, it's only fair your vagina gets some of the spot light!" She snapped.

"We are not having this discussion, Trixie." Twilight growled. Trixie immediately shook her head.

"Well why aren't we having it?! Trixie doesn't see why her magnificent cock and her magic pocket need to be embiggened." Trixie snorted.

"Embiggen isn't a word, Trixie." Twilight sighed.

Trixie rolled her eyes. "There you go, changing the subject! Can we please keep the focus of this topic on your vagina?"

"Look, Trixie, my southern subway station is not a -"

"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. Did you just refer to your vagina as a subway station? How much for a ride? Do you accept tokens? Are there street peddlers down there? Do you have rats?" Trixie squealed, giggling helplessly. Twilight rolled her eyes with an irritated growl and began a firm, steady march towards the castle and most importantly, away from Trixie- who quickly followed suite.

The castle had seen better days. Instead of the cordial, inviting atmosphere the castle once displayed, there were ruptured bricks, and cracked and broken floors. Some grand and glorious final stand had taken place within it's halls and the alabaster splatters of battle painted the halls in great, dreadful splashes. Guards were strewn left and right, laying on the ground, scattered about with remains of armor clinging to valiant frames.

Trixie and Twilight entered the castle, stunned at this wanton display of carnage. Eyes wide and horns glowing, they cautiously made their way into the castle, taking slow, frightened steps, until Twilight gasped. One of the soldiers...he was still conscious! Quickly, the two rushed over to an orange colored crystal pony, whom was absolutely covered in semen and wheezing in gasping breaths.

"It-It came out of nowhere...t-took us by surprise. Never trained for this...n-no contingency plan for a monster like what we faced. The horror..." He whispered with a choked gag. Twilight nodded her head, leaning in close- but not to close, because of the semen- but close and perked an ear.

"Stay with me soldier. You're going to be alright. We're going to get you out of here. Whats your name?" She cooed. Opening an eye, the soldier forced a crooked smile towards Twilight.

"M,-my name is Flas-

"Ooooo getting cozy rat girl?" Trixie snickered. Twilight rolled her eyes with a furious groan and stood up, stomping her hoof as hard as she could.

"For the last time, Trixie! I do not have vaginal rats!" She screamed. Trixie giggled helplessly, shaking her head.

"Please tell my family I loved them."

"Tell me the truth, did you wait so long to decide to take our relationship to the next level because you had to fumigate? What did the exterminator say?" Trixie squealed, trying to breathe through gut wrenching laughter at Twilight's anger.

"Give my brother my dog tags. -Wait, did she just say you had vagina rats?"

"ARGGHH!" Twilight snarled, standing up. She was about to give Trixie a verbal thrashing when the sound of a crash drove a wedge of silence between them. Slowly, they crept towards the doors together, horns glowing and ready to cast a spell at the first sign of trouble.

"Hello?"

It was massive in it's size, having somehow grown. Feeding off of raw magical energy perhaps, Trixie's penis had become enormous, and was now lazily sitting in the court yard, rubbing up against a statue of Princess Celestia. It hadn't noticed them, and Twilight and Trixie shared a glance. While the giant stone statue was occupied with the statue, the two of them would hit it with their strongest spells.

"What's it doing?" Trixie asked hesitantly, while the fountain poked and prodded wildly at the statue.

"Looking for an entrance...come on, now's our chance..." Twilight hissed. Trixie frowned.

"I don't like to think that my penis can't find the right hole. Look at Celestia's ass. It's cavernous, how can it miss? Come on great and powerful cock, you can do it!" Trixie silently urged the penis on. Twilight glared. Trixie shrugged. The two of them took their positions, surrounding the massive copulating cock, and aimed their horns at the beast.

"Ready?"

"Steady..."

"NOW!!"

Blue and purple magic exploded into the castle court yard, exploding in a giant storm of power that swept up dust and debris from around the battered castles. When the smoke cleared, and the dust settled, the two of them had done it. The creature had vanished in the flux of power and Trixie leaned against Twilight, Twilight leaned against Trixie and they both gave a huge sigh of relief. It was over. It was finally over.

"Twilight Sparkle...you may be the most complicated lay in Equestria, but Trixie wouldn't trade you for anypony else. " The blue unicorn whispered, forcing a warm crop of rose to rise over Twilight's nose.

"Awww...Thanks for sticking by me throughout all of this, I know our first time wasn't exactly typical." She giggled softly. Trixie nodded her head with a grin.

"It was damned crazy, is what it was, Twilight. But Trixie has a hunch our sex life will never be boring. " She grinned. They both giggled as a squad of guards suddenly rushed into the courtyard, spears at the ready, helmets on. Reinforcements, it seemed.

"Hey." Twilight said, tossing a casual wave towards the squad leader.

"Twilight!" The squad leader cried, throwing off his helmet to reveal the sharp sapphire hue of Shining Armor's mane.

"I'm so glad to see you're alright! We rushed over here when we heard there was some sort of attack at the cast-why do you have a scrotum?" Her brother sputtered in shock. The two of them had embraced happily and squeezed one and other, but it was only after a lengthy few seconds, did Twilight come to grips with what Shining Armor had said. Taking a step back, she, Trixie, Shining, and the rest of the guards stared at the fat blue ballsack hanging between Twilight's legs.

A silence weaved its way between everyone.

"T-This is not my penis! It's not mine! I have no idea how this got here! I don't have a penis! Usually!!" Twilight squealed, turning towards Trixie for help, who promptly shrugged her shoulders.

"Shiny, your sister is into some weird, kinky shit. "

Author's Note

n.n Whelp. Five am, I'm sick with some sort of crazy allergic reaction. Waiting for the Benadryl to kick in.
...
Figured, what the hay, lets finished this story.
Mostly written all after I snickered at the concept of Twilight trying to explain to the guards this was, in fact, not her penis.

Bonus Chapter: Cutting Room Floor

Author's Note

Just a buncha chapters, and edits I've scrapped from my stories. Jokes that didn't make the final cut- but thought you guys might enjoy them, none the less!
The next Chapter is taking a little bit longer than I anticipated...soooooo here, chew on this for a while.

Bonus Chapter: Cutting Room Floor

Cutting Room Floor

Everypony sat in the middle of the library, listening to the silence that deafened the room. This was nor ordinary silence- no, not the type that comes after an awkward, inappropriate joke, or the sort of silence that spills into the room, when a foal asks an adult what
"Intercourse" is for the first time.

No, no, no, this was the sort of silence that could only be summoned after a giant penis fountain grew legs, destroyed a library, and went rampaging through town with a child riding on it's back.
This silence was legendary, and treading dangerously close to biblical.

"The first order o' business, is to rescue Apple Bloom from that there pony pounder. Ah reckon we all can agree on that?" Applejack, thankfully piped up. Twilight shook her head.

"I don't think she's in any real danger, though, I mean, she's with Pinkie Pie and it seems benign in nature. I'm sure she'll be fine. " Twilight explained, doing her best to console Applejack. Applejack narrowed her eyes.

"Twilight, Ah ain't one for fancy mathematics, but I'm pretty sure mah sister, plus ridin' a giant bush whacker plus Pinkie Pie, don't add up to 'fine.'" Applejack huffed. Twilight winced- she had a point.
I spent forever trying to get this dialog to sound right. In the end, I kind of just cut Applejack out, as I figured there was no way she'd just sit around after Applebloom raced by on a giant fountain.

"Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash you have GOT to help me!"

"I've lost my penis"

"...................wut?" Asked Rainbow Dash, quietly raising an eyebrow at the pair of pleading unicorns in front of him. Well, Trixie wasn't pleading, she was kind of glaring, really.

"My dick! I've lost it!" Said Twilight.

"..................wut?" Said Rainbow Dash.

Figured this would work better with Zecora.

Third Times the Charm.

"It is a rich tapestry of sexual horror" Thats what Twilight had said. Rarity wasn't quite sure what she meant, but a tapestry of sexual horror didn't sound terribly pleasant. Twilight stood there, bright red in the face, with her eyes hidden behind the raven locks of hair she sported. Rarity slowly nodded her head. She could help with this. She could.

"Ok...so, you and your stallion friend...um...what have you um...I mean...have your tried oral?" She asked slowly. Twilight frowned.

"Oral what? Like an exam? That could work. I could test Trixie on all the different ways to please a pony..." Twilight squeaked. Oh, Celestia...

"First, can I just...what is with all of you and coming to me for sexual advice? I am a lady, and sophisticated, and quite knowledgeable about romance, but really. If it isn't Rainbow Dash asking about how to fuck a goat, it's Fluttershy begging me not to talk about the bear incident. Rarity groaned.

"Oooo how about a sex party?! A super duper sex party!? " Pinkie giggled. Rarity sighed.

"That's called an 'Orgy' Pinkie." Rarity explained. Pinkie giggled.

"That sounds like fun! I'll start making invitations!" She squealed. Twilight buried her face into her hooves. This was becoming a nightmare.

"Look, it's easy, you just get yourself a strapon and go to town. You know, like the stallions do. "Rainbow Dash explained before she started wildly humping the air.
This was supposed to be the third, and final chapter of the series, when Twilight got ALL of her friends together for help. I thought it would be more funny to keep them separated and surprise readers by adding Zecora.

"Alright, dear, lets begin with some simple knowledge. Do you know of a pony's erogenous zones?" Rarity asked slowly. Twilight beamed, immediately nodded her head.

"Yes! The ears, the base of the tail, the tummy, the..um...privates and the knees. ...Trixie has forbidden me from three of those locations after the biting incident." Twilight explained. Rarity winced.

"Alright, um...well, it seems a bit like you two are trying things you aren't quite sure your interested in. I would suggest asking Trixie what she likes, and going from there. A bit of 'generosity' to begin with, and in time, I'm sure she'll...um...return the favor. " Rarity explained.

Twilight stared at Rarity.

Rarity stared at Twilight.

"OK, so, she isn't likely to return the favor. Ever. But love is a compromise darling. Explore your partner, learn her tics, learn how to read the signs. If you say something, take note of her face. Does she grin, does she blush, does she squirm? Kiss gently, and teasingly, working your lips across her body as if she were delicate and made of glass. Do NOT call it a hot grease canal. There is to be no dirty talk from you. Ever. In addition, do not bite. Biting is...probably not your friend. Now, lastly, you need confidence. You want to show you're sure of yourself, and more importantly, sure of your partner. You now share a bond, darling, and your goal is not to 'do the two tailed tango' as it were, but to deepen that bond. Start slow- very slow, in your case, and work up to enjoying each other's touch. You can begin with a hug, and a nuzzle, and go from there. " Rarity explained. Twilight looked relieved, her ears splayed back and her lips were twisted up into a warm smile. Rarity had been the right choice.

"Thank you, Rarity! Thank you! That is EXACTLY what I needed to hear!" Twilight squealed happily. Rarity flashed a cheerful smile and nodded her head.

"I'm very glad to be able to offer you this assistance, dear. I take it if you have any more questions you know who to turn to, yes?" Rarity grinned. Twilight swiftly nodded her head, and paused for a moment in thought.

"A, actually, there was one more thing I was hoping to learn before going back. S, something to surprise Trixie with...um...i, it's a um...technique described in my books, but I don't um...I mean I've never...I can't do it properly. I've tried, and tried but it just doesn't work out. I really am a disaster at this." Twilight whimpered. Rarity rolled her eyes.

"Darling, please! I am as well versed in 'technique' as I am in advice. I can give you pointers as you need them. Don't hesitate darling, and don't get so down on yourself! I'm sure you're exaggerating." Rarity grinned. Twilight blushed warmly, and bit along her lower lip.

"W, well...it...it goes like this..."

Twilight watched the flames eat and lap greedily at the Carousel Boutique with an affixed horror. She'd never expected things to go so south, but sex was turning out to be much more confusing that she originally imagined. She however, had learned never to cast that spell again. Quietly, she trotted towards the ambulance, pushing past uniformed emergency workers to reach her friend laid out next to the vechicle.

"Rarity...Rarity I'm so sorry...I...I warned you I was terrible at this..." Twilight whispered to the motionless body laying on the stretcher. Rarity coughed up a tiny plume of bluish smoke, and opened an eye to peer at Twilight.

"...It's...alright darling. Lady Rarity forgives you. All in the name of love, correct? Now, be a dear and never speak a word of this to anypony. " Said Rarity. Twilight nodded her head slowly and gave a hopeless sigh. Thus was the terrible power of sex.

Rarity would no longer be of any help...but that was ok...she had four more friends to ask, after all...

This was supposed to be Rarity's entire chapter....but I thought it would be more humorous to have her knocked unconscious by a rubber cock.

A horrible silence flickered through the room.

While Twilight tried her best to figure out how her spell had backfired so badly. She had tried her best to remove the penis from her room- to cast a spell to send it back to whence it came. But the object had been enchanted by Trixie's magic, and Twilight's spell to cast it somewhere else had a poor effect when the two enchantments crossed...and now...

Well now there was a massive penis jutting up in the middle of sweet Apple Acres barn. Not entirely sure she wanted to risk another teleport spell, Twilight had begun to riddle through different possibilities for this penis problem. Thats when the side door opened, and Applejack stepped in with a wagon full of freshly picked apples behind her.

"G, Good afternoon, Appl-" Twilight began sheepishly, but found the words died in her mouth as she tried to spit them out. Applejack stared.

Applejack stared for a long time.

To her left, was Twilight Sparkle, scuffling at the ground below her with a hoof, and biting sheepishly at her lower lip. The penis, jutting forward proudly into the middle of the Sweet Apple Acre's barn seems to be drooling.

Precariously.

“That thar Is an erection.” Applejack hissed slowly, pointing a hoof towards the monstrosity looming towards them. Twilight bit her lower lip, gently nodding her head.

“Yes. Yes that is. That is accurate. Y, you see I can explain-” She sputtered, but Applejack’s glare silenced her instantly.

“That is a giant Tally Whacker in the middle of my barn." Applejack growled. Twilight flashed her the largest smile she could muster and took a step back. She'd never heard Applejack so quiet before, and Twilight could only wonder at the wheels spinning in the cowgal's head.

"A, Applejack....Applejack are you mad?" Twilight asked impishly. Slowly, Applejack turned towards Twilight, and nodded her head. Twilight gulped.

"Is it about the penis?" Asked Twilight. Applejack, again, nodded her head.

Needless to say, several of the crops had been....compromised.

"Well, if you just give me a minute to get to the library and collect some spell components, I'm sure I can get this out of here in no time!" Twilight stammered, taking a step back, but the glare from Applejack kept her frozen solid.

"Wrong." The country Pony snarled.

I cut out chapter four with Applejack. Just couldn't come up with anything really to have Twilight go and ask Applejack about.

I get by with a little help from my friends: Fluttershy

"There...that's a little better, isn't it?" Fluttershy cooed gently, filling the mug in front of Twilight with a steaming splash of herbal tea. Twilight found herself giving an automatic nod. It was true; she DID feel much more comfortable, than when Fluttershy had stumbled upon her. Twilight had been reading everything she could find on the art of intercourse, and all of it was just a maddening circle of do's and don'ts, tactics that were sure fire to work, and other tactics that contradicted those tactics, which in turn contradicted themselves. It was all a horrifying, sexual nightmare that she couldn't awake from, and while she couldn't remember the exact details of her panic attack, grilled cheese was involved, along with a copy of cosmo, a bag of fries from Hayburger and Snips- the fat little boy from down the street.

Her panic attack had cost her most of the afternoon, but now that she'd regained most of her senses, she sat up and looked around quietly. She was in Fluttershy's cottage, and the owner; Fluttershy herself, was sitting adjacent from her with a cozy little smile wrapped around her lips.

"Are you ok, Twilight?" She squeaked softly. Twilight drew a shaky smile and nodded her head.

"Yes, Fluttershy, thank you. I'm sorry about that, I've been...I've been really stressed out lately, trying to deal with...erm...uh..." Twilight trailed off, blushing faintly. Fluttershy, never the less, smiled her motherly, reassuring smile, and reached out to pet a hoof gently against Twilight's.

"It's ok, Twilight, if you need anything, I'm here for you, ok? Just take a few deep breathes." Fluttershy cooed warmly. Twilight blushed and glanced down at her hooves, biting at her lower lip.

"I...I'm having some...some trouble with um...Trixie and...it's...intimacy." Twilight mumbled. Fluttershy slowly nodded her head.

"Have you tried sucking her dick?" Asked Fluttershy. Twilight toppled off the bed.

"W, wh, wha-" She sputtered, trying to find the right words, but Fluttershy floated into the air, spinning around with a gleeful squeal.

"OH, it's easy, if you don't know how, I'll show you! I suck the dicks of the animal kingdom!" Fluttershy sang, and a song began to play in the back ground.

"If you every need to suck an animals dick, call Flutters on the double, cause she'll get here quick!
Big or small!
Tiny, or tall!
Fluttershy loves, some animal dick!

A little bunny being fussy? Well I know just the trick,
Just call up Flutters and she'll suck on his dick!

Got an animal problem, you can't understand?
Call up Flutters with her dick suckin' plan!

Got an angry lil beaver, balls oh-so-blue?
Just call up Flutters, she'll know what to do!

Any problem, she can solve'em it won't take to long,
Flutters goes straight to work inhalin' a shlong!

Suckin' baby dragon dick might seem so wrong
But Spike don't mind, hell he loves this song!

I had planned to write an entire song and dance dream sequence for Fluttershy, as she explains the magical wonder of sucking animal cock, and the only way it seemed like I could add Flutters to this story, was if I used her in a dream sequence. But writing songs is hard XD

To Twilight Sparkle
First off, allow me to apologize for summoning the penis fountain. It was, in retrospect, a poor choice, and Trixie is sorry. How is Spike? Has he started talking again? Trixie is currently searching for a way to de-summon it, without invoking it's horrible wrath. Until then, please do not provoke it or show signs of weakness in its presence, as Trixie believe it feeds off of fear.

Illregardless of our problems, Trixie is still happy to know you are smitten with her. Really, it cannot be helped but Trixie is pleased none the less. Trixie is confident that we will succeed in our endeavors with sexy results. When Trixie returns from her show this weekend, Trixie will demonstrate a special kind of magic that your friends have never dreamed.
To my number one fan;
~Trixie

Twilight stared at the letter, reading it over, and over, and over again, feeling her right eye twitch helplessly.

Illregardless wasn't a word. Damn it, Trixie.

Still, the letter did an efficient job at lifting the young unicorn's mood. The past few days had been fraught with incident, from accidently knocking Rarity unconscious (THAT was an embarrassing explanation to the hospital) to Spike racing off in terror with a phobia of the thing between his legs, to Pinkie getting fired out of the window with the force of a cannon...via penis. Twilight sighed. Since she'd agreed to Trixie's adorable sputtered inquiry of 'taking their relationship to the next level', her life had become a rich tapestry of sexual horror.

Still...

Twilight held the letter up and pressed it against her chest with a giddy giggle, crashing onto the floor and kicking her legs out. She received a LOVE LETTER! She'd always wanted one, and now, by Celestia, she'd gotten one! She giggled and rolled around helplessly, crumpling the parchment against her frame and squealing like a love struck filly. When Trixie got back they were gonna make some 'magic' that was for sure.

Happily, Twilight bounced to her hooves and threw herself outside with a shout, the song bursting past her lips before she could stop herself- the song in her heart forcing it's way from her mouth and exploding into the beautiful summer day in Ponyville!
"I'm in love with the mare next door!"

This was SUPPOSED to be another song, about Twilight, singing about Trixie, to the tune "I'm in love with the dog next door" From Rover Dangerfield. ...but writing songs is hard. XD

To her left: A chart describing the various details of a vagina, both aroused and unaroused, and it was circled by flash cards scribbled with various amounts of sexual information.

To her right: A giant plaster mold of a vagina, a tongue, 132 different 'toys' borrowed from Rarity's stash, a industrial bucket of lubricant, and a book called "My body, and what it does." several feet of rope, a pair of stirrups, a a semi constructed swing set.

In front of her: A rubber blow up doll she procured from ...places. A pair of hoof-cuffs, a spreader bar, a riding crop, a feather and a small list of euphemisms and a scroll or two of sexual enchantments.A book entitled :How to have an orgasm; the proper way!" and sixteen playpony magazines she made spike purchase for her, since SHE wasn't going to march up to the news stand and demand them herself. A book called "The plot thickens." and "The cunning linguist-; Female seduction.

The time was right. Twilight Sparkle, was going to learn all there was to learn about sex. She was going to study her tail off and there wasn't a thing in the world that could stop her.

There was a knock at the door. Twilight sighed. Of course. Still, Pinkie was gone, Rarity was in the hospital. Fluttershy wouldn't DARE speak of sex, and Applejack was doing chores. There was nopony else that could possibly bother her...except...

"Twiiiiiii-liiiiiiiiiiight?" Came a cheerful sing-song voice from outside the door. No. NO!

"NO! GO AWAY! I'm...I'm busy!!" Twilight shrieked in alarm. There was a giggle outside the door.

"Busy? Oh....Busy with what, Twilight? Whatcha doin' in there?" Came the voice again. That horrible, dreadful sing-song voice that promised ten thousand deaths of embarrassment. The voice of Rainbow Dash.

The door gave a shudder.

"You in there, Twilight? Come on, open up...I uh...got a problem that only a good friend can solve." Rainbow Dash giggled. Twilight narrowed her eyes. She knew. Twilight didn't know HOW Rainbow Dash knew, but the spectrum colored wonder knew what was going on. Frantically, Twilight glanced around at the mountains of sexual paraphernalia she'd collected. The door shuddered with another rumble from Rainbow Dash's hooves. She had to get rid of it! She had to get rid of all of it!!! She didn't care where as long as it wasn't here!

Her horn flashed a bright shade of violet and she wildly swung her her head around, pointing her horn at everything she wanted to vanish from sight and in a flash it disappeared! All of it! Every toy, book, and naughty drawing gone in the blink of an eye- just as Rainbow Dash kicked opened the front door.

"It's a public library, ya know! Whats up Twilight?" "Rainbow jeered. Twilight turned her head, sitting casually on the couch with a book under her hooves; Magical theories of Star Swirl the Bearded.

"Hello, Rainbow Dash. Is there something I can help you with?" Twilight asked sweetly. Rainbow frowned, narrowing her eyes at Twilight. Twilight beamed innocently.

Meanwhile, at the school house:

"Alright, class, I want you to turn your books to chapter three, where we can start learning the history of Ponyland, our neighbors across the sea!" Cheerilee chirped. The class did so- all except Snails, who stared into his desk with a confused frown.

"Miss Cheerilee, my desk is filled with dildos. Can I go home?" He squeaked. Cheerilee turned, raising an eyebrow while the question proposed to her tumbled around in her head.

"Your desk is filled with what?!" Cheerilee asked, before Diamond Tiara's hoof shot into the air.

"My books are gone and there's a bucket of really slippery stuff in here. Also...something that's buzzing really loudly." She announced. Another hoof shot into the air. Another, and another, and another.

"Uh, Miss Cheerilee, what is 'cunnilingus' and why is the mare on this book grinnin' like that?" Apple Bloom asked, holding up a curious book that appeared in her desk.

"MMHMmhmmm HMMhmm MhmMHMHM!" Said Silver Spoon, her head entirely encompassed with a giant, fake, plaster mold vagina.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnope." Said Cheerilee, and headed for the door.

Twilight gave a bashful grin and rubbed the back of her head. "I, It's Trixie...we're just...Oh, I don't know. We've been trying to...you know..." Twilight explained. Before Rainbow Dash could respond, however, a commotion echoed from outside. Twilight peered out the window curiously, and winced. Cheerilee was racing full stride away from the school house, the children following her, screaming.

"DON'T LOOK BACK CHILDREN! DON'T LOOK BACK!!" She screamed, while a multitude of Rarity's colorful dildo's rained down around her.

"SOMEPONY HELP!!! IT'S GOT ME!!!" Snips screamed, struggling to get his chubby frame free of the Shibari that was attached to him.

"LEAVE HIM! HE'S DEAD TO US!!!" Cheerilee screamed, however, Snails turned about in mid step, twisting his body to rocket himself towards his friend.

"I'M COMIN' SNIPS! I'M COMING!!!" Snails screamed, hurling himself past the raining dildos, trembling vibrators, and magic induced riding crops that were whacking at the closest pony rump they could find- Apple Bloom's.

"I WANT DADDY!!" Diamond Tiara screamed, her mane matted down with lubricants of all flavors that rained down upon her.

"THESE ARE THE END TIMES!! WHERE IS YOUR SUN GOD NOW, CHILDREN?! WHY DOES SHE ALLOW THIS?!" Chreerilee screamed in a mad panic.

Twilight shut the blinds.

"....................You want some tea? I'm gonna make some tea. It's tea time." Twilight squeaked nervously.

This was supposed to be Rainbow Dash's Chapter, but It never really took off. I found a better use for the CMC, and her anyway.

I get by with a little help from my friends: Rainbow Dash Pt 2

There it was; sitting in a clearing of the Everfree forest. Twilight Sparkle's penis. Following a sticky trail of destruction wasn't too hard for Rainbow Dash, but she hadn't expected Twilight's penis to be surrounded by loving children. The Cutie Mark Crusaders. This now constructed a challenge Rainbow Dash had not foreseen.

A large, penis-shaped challenge.

"Heeeey giiiiiiirls." Rainbow Dash crooned as she landed, making slow movements and keeping her distance from the behemoth statue that was nuzzling tenderly into Apple Bloom's side. The three fillies instantly squealed in happiness when Rainbow Dash landed, but none of them moved from their spot.

"Hey Rainbow Dash! Check it out! Apple Bloom found this cool statue thing and it can MOVE! She picked us up and we've been riding it all night long, but now we're kinda taking a break!" Scootaloo called out in a cheerful tone. Rainbow Dash nodded her head slowly but when she took a step forward, the beast immediately turned its mighty penis gaze upon her and Rainbow Dash froze as if she'd turned to stone. Ok. Don't move. Vision based on movement. Got it. This was going to be harder than she thought...

"That's....that's great. Super great. Not at all legitimately terrifying! Hehehe, Uh, so...I have questions. Lots of them." Rainbow Dash called out. She had to take it slow. She didn't want to startle it and she certainly didn't want to excite it. No, she did not want to excite it at all- at least, not anymore than it already was,

"Like how this thing came to life? Ain't got no idea! Sure is fun though!" Apple Bloom exclaimed. Sweetie Belle nodded her head, flashing a vibrant smile before nuzzling into one of the gigantic stone orbs underneath the monster.

"It is a majestic beast." She cooed lovingly. Rainbow Dash winced. Great. They were bonding with it.

"That's all kinds of wrong, Sweetie. Look, guys, just come over here really really slowly, ok? Wheres Applejack and Pinkie Pie?" Rainbow called out, inching her leg forward to try and coax the fillies forward. None of them moved, only giving her curious glances in return.

"I'm gonna say low orbit." Scootaloo chuckled. Apple Bloom gave a displeased little grunt and hopped off the head of the massive pony pride, pointing to the sky in the east.

"Pinkie Pie n' Applejack spooked it! See, we were trying to get Stephanie to turn around and-" Apple Bloom began before Rainbow Dash interjected.

"Stephanie?" Rainbow Dash asked. Apple Bloom nodded.

"Yeah, that's what we named her!" She exclaimed.

"..." Said Rainbow Dash.

"Anyway, they were tryin' ta calm Stephanie down, and I guess they spooked her, cause Stephanie started bouncin' around and bucked 'em both into air way higher than I've evah seen! But Applejack is tougher n' one of Granny Smith's pie crusts that's been left out fer too long. Applejack'll be fine! And Pinkie is made outta springs, ain't she? Anyway, we can't leave yet, we were about to induct Stephanie into the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Shes gonna be our new mascot! She ain't got no cutie mark either! " Apple Bloom squeaked. Rainbow Dash gave a groan and shook her head. She could have been spending the day napping- but nooooo. She had to go out and wrangle three children and a giant pony pounder. Twilight owed her for this; big time.

"Look, um, girls, I think it's time we head back to town, ok? Come on over here, nice and slowly, ok? No uh, sudden movements." Rainbow Dash tried again, but Scootaloo shook her head.

"Aww, you ain't scared of Stephanie, are ya Rainbow Dash? Shes really sweet!! And she's our friend!! " Scootaloo beamed, gently stroking over Stephanie's head with a soft, feathered wing. Stephanie shuddered. Rainbow Dash did too and slooooowly took a step to the side- out of the direct line of fire, hopefully.

"Please don't say that. " Rainbow Dash groused. "Now, um, come on kids, lets get you away from ...um...Stephanie." Rainbow tried again but this time Apple Bloom stood up with an angry growl.

"Why ya'll tryin' ta separate us? Stephanie is our friend, and we got big plans for her!" Apple Bloom announced, climbing up onto Stephanie's back and wrapping her hooves around the rope still attached to Stephanie's 'head'.

"Yeah!! We're gonna ride her to school and show her off to everypony! Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon will be SO jealous! We're gonna be extra popular, cause we plan to give everypony a ride! Even Miss Cherilee, if she wants one!!" Sweetie Belle explained. Rainbow Dash stared with mouth agape. This could not be happening...

"Look, you guys CAN'T keep Stephanie, she's ....uh, w, well she's a giant....I mean three little girls can't ride...You're too young to be...She...er...um...belongs to ...Twilight." Rainbow Dash winced at her explanation. Apple Bloom tilted her head curiously to one side.

"She's Twahlights? Awwww, well maybe she'll still let us induct her into the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Come on girls! Lets return Stephanie back to the library! CUTIE MARK STATUE RETURNERS!! YAY!!" Apple Bloom announced, electing a deep, DEEP sigh of relief from Rainbow Dash. Finally...

"Ok girls, heres the plan. We can't exactly go marching into town with Stephanie, she might...uh...spook some ponies so we're gonna play a special game, alright? Super Sneaky Crusaders, alright? We're gonna sneak in as super quiet as possible. Do not tell anypony about ...um, Twilight's....special.....friend. Ok? This is just between us? Promise?" Rainbow asked nervously and the three girls gave an immediate salute. Rainbow sighed with relief. She figured Twilight would appreciate the added secrecy. Keeping the girls and the giant shlong out of the media's spotlight would make everything go over smoother. Still, getting 'Stephanie' back to the library and without being spotted would be a challenge in and of itself, but Rainbow would cross that bridge when they came to it. First, they had to get out of the forest. Luckily, that was the easy part; all they had to do was follow the sticky trail back to town, and keep 'Stephanie' from getting to excited...

"I assure you, our town isn't normally like this, but we here in Ponyville take care of one and other, and I assure you, we will not rest until we discover who, or what is responsible for this devastation!" Mayor Mare explained, as she trotted in front of her guests; ambassadors from Saddle Arabia. They were visiting Canterlot, when one of them had commented on seeing the delightful 'Sugar Cube Corner'- one of many landmarks popular in town. The Mayor, of course, immediately offered to guide them through the town, before she realized the destruction that had taken place. Now she was quickly and effortlessly spamming her plot kissing skills to the fullest effect.

"This mess will be cleaned up in no time. We are NOT a town that has vandals running lose, and whoever did this will surely pay the price. We're a loving community and we respect our citizens. This is not the sort of thing that happens to us on a daily basis, at all! The town has NEVER degraded into gladiatorial combat over a doll, and we've never had our entire housing structure eaten by parasites! Honest! We're...well we're wholesome, really. Pure. Ponyville is a town of new beginnings, and fresh starts, and- "

"BIG FAT PONY COCK!" Screamed one of the ambassadors, interrupting the mayor and pointing towards the forest. The mayor frowned, and searched her brain for any alternative meanings or perhaps, euphemisms for 'big fat pony cock' Surely there had to be one! Maybe it was a language and translation issue. Maybe it was a silly prank, or a joke from their nation. It couldn't be literal. There was no way it could be literal. PLEASE don't let it be literal. That was the LAST thing she needed. Don't look towards the forest. Don't look towards the forest. Don't look towards the forest.

The mayor looked towards the forest.

Sure enough, a giant erection came barreling out of the woods towards Ponyville, with three children riding gleefully atop it, bouncing, and squealing as the massive cherry popper hurled itself towards them at a terrifying speed.

Awesome.

"GUYS! GUYS COME BACK!! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE HER!! APPLE BLOOM! SLOW DOWN!" A voice cried from behind, as Rainbow Dash raced to keep up with the run away horse hose. Yanking as hard as she could on the rope, Apple Bloom managed to drive Stephanie to a skidding, shrieking stop, right in front of the ambassadors and Mayor Mare- who simply stared up in complete confusion. Also horror. There was a LOT of horror.

"W, whoa, whoa there girl, it's ok...it's ooooookay, shhhh, shhhhh..." Apple Bloom crooned lovingly, stroking Stephanie on the head. Rubbing the giant fountain with delicate little hooves and warm little whispers to try and calm her down. The giant penis shuddered.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" Mayor Mare shrieked, stomping a hoof in front of the quartet. Atop the massive meat puppet, the Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at each other, then down towards Rainbow Dash who had just flown up. Rainbow Dash had sworn them to secrecy...

"We're not supposed to tell you. It's Rainbow Dash's special game and no pony is supposed to know about it except for us." Sweetie Belle explained. The Mayor stared. The ambassadors stared. The CMC stared back. Dash's mouth dropped open in horror.

Oh. Celestia. No.

"M, Mayor Mare! Hey, hey girls, hey...Oh....wow. I mean, wow this looks bad. Ummmmm...uhhhhahahahaha, A, Apple Bloom, you uh...you wanna fill the mayor in on what's going on?" Rainbow Dash squeaked nervously. Apple Bloom however, shook her head.

"Ah promised not ta say nothin' bout our special secret game. Mah Sistah is the element o' honesty and Ah ain't gonna disappoint her! I don't go back on my promises and ah promised not ta say nuthin!" She explained. Rainbow Dash gave a nervous smile. The mayor glowered.

"You three fillies, were out in the woods with this...this....this monstrosity, playing a 'special', 'secret' game with Rainbow Dash?" She asked slowly, peering at each of the children, the massive penis and Rainbow Dash who was sweating helplessly.

"YUP!" Beamed Scootaloo, stroking her wings over Stephanie's head once more- who shuddered, wriggled, and exploded in a sticky white mess all over the Rainbow Dash, the mayor and the ambassadors.

"Awww, she sneezed! Is she sick?" Asked Sweetie Belle, cuddling in close to Stephanie, while the mayor looked at herself in disgust.

"WAARRUUUGGGHHH!! IT'S IN MY MOUTH!! IT GOT IN MY MOUTH!! " Screamed the mayor- which was enough to spook the poor fountain. It reared back, tossing the children to the ground and took off running wildly through the streets, leaving the CMC, Rainbow Dash, Mayor Mare, and the Ambassadors sitting in a sticky creamy mess.

"...I can explain this." Whimpered Rainbow Dash.

Mayor Mare glared.

Twilight sighed. If it wasn't one thing it was another. She thanked the messenger at the door to the library, and turned about, trotting quietly into the main room, where Trixie was looking over books. Zecora had gone home, making some comment about walking cocks, Africa, and "Never should have left the tribe for this BS." Twilight would have to talk to her later, but for now, she had other things to deal with.

"Who was that at the door? Was it Rainbow Dash?" Trixie asked. Twilight sheepishly shook her head.

"Ahh...no...no, that was a guard...um...Rainbow Dash is in jail. Bail is set at 42,000 bits and she is really, REALLY mad. " Twilight winced nervously. Trixie groaned and slapped a hoof over her eyes. Could this possibly get any worse?!

"And the penis? Where is Trixie's Pony Plunger?" The blue mage asked. Twilight hung her head with a defeated groan.

"Well, according to the guards, uh, the last time it was seen, it was heading towards Canterlot." She whimpered quietly. Trixie stared at Twilight for a long, long, long time. Her left eye twitched. A giant walking penis with Trixie's magic linked to it. Wonderful.

"Twilight Sparkle. You are by FAR the most, complicated lay, in, Equestria." She hissed darkly and Twilight Sparkle gave a quiet whimper.

"I, I'm sorry, I don't MEAN to be horrible at sex! T, this seems a lot more complex than any of my books have described!" Twilight whined. Trixie rolled her eyes, and turned, bopping Twilight on the nose with a free hoof.

"We'll deal with that later! Right now, we've got to get to Canterlot! There's no telling what Trixie's great and powerful penis might do once it's there!!" She cried- and with that, the two of them raced out the door.

Author's Note

We're almost done! Thank you all for reading my silly little tale, from the bottom of my heart! <3
~Lady Rarity