Two Background Ponies Revisit Season Four

by Piccolo Sky

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random
Length: 23075

With Season Four over, the "Two Background Ponies" go back over all 26 episodes and recap the reactions they've had over the past six months.

Just two background ponies...bah, you know the drill.

All 24 "Two Background Ponies Quickies" from my blog for all 26 episodes of Season Four (remember, two were two-parters, hence on 24 of them), now compiled in one collection with a bit of commentary in between each one. These were made once a week since November, each new one being written shortly after seeing the new episode for that week.

Enjoy!

(Image used is public domain)

Published 2014-05-13 22:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-13 22:50:04 UTC

Castle Mane-Ia

Castle Mane-ia

An urgent knock rang out on Sam's door. Immediately, the blue stallion got up, went over to it, unlocked it, and saw Carl standing there, smiling and holding a film reel.

"Hey dude! Check it out! I've got the 'tribute' film for your guys' wedding reception all finished!"

Immediately, Sam grinned. "You did?! Well come on in already! Let's check it out!"

Minutes later, Carl was inside, having drug out Sam's film projector, and hooked up the reel. Sam, on his part, got out the screen, dimmed the lights, and then both got on the couch and got ready to watch. Sam flicked the switch on, and soon the film began to run.

It started off with a beautiful title sequence: "Sam and Dawn ~ Our Happy Memories". It then started with Dawn, opening with a few pictures of her as a foal, beautifully sequeing into progressively older shots, and playing Dawn's favorite song in the background. Carl leaned back with a smile while Sam was so touched he nearly shed "stallion-ly tears".

Then, about two minutes into it...the film abruptly cut to a stallion standing in a field...as a kickball came out and nailed him in his package. He gave a grunt of pain and fell over.

Sam's tears dried up as he blinked. However, a moment later, the same shot repeated. And then again after that. And again after that. After a moment, his confusion gave way to a blank look...and then irritation. He turned to his friend.

"...Carl, what the heck is this?"

Carl, on his part, looked sheepish.

"Uh, yeah...about that. The do-it-yourself part of the filmmakers store only sells film reels in 26 minute segments. I mean...I had an overall idea about what I wanted all 26 minutes to do, but I really didn't have any pictures or songs for the third minute and I couldn't think of how to fill it up...so I just did this."

"...Inserted the same weak joke over and over again?"

"Pretty much."

Sam face-hooved. "Dude! This is my wedding reception for Celestia's sake!"

"Oh, come on, Sam! It's only the third minute! The rest of it will be good enough to where ponies will forget about it! And look...in the last few seconds at least I hint at how nice the rest of the film will be!"

"Ugh...it better be. I think Dawn's dad is going to want to kill me as-is for having the third minute be nothing but crotch jokes...right in the middle of his baby filly's photo story..."

He paused, then gave Carl a more serious look.

"...This is the only minute out of the 26 like this, right?"

Carl said nothing...merely paled a bit and swallowed.

"...Right?!"

Heh…luckily that was the only minute out of the 26 like that…er, for the most part. Right Carl?

…

…Carl?

Hang on a second, Sam…

…

…Ok, I looked at the end of this episode. I’m guessing that was supposed to be Tirek at the end. But if it was, how come he didn’t know about Princess Twilight Sparkle until the Season Finale? She was right there…

…Moving on…

Daring Don't

Daring Don’t

"Thanks for helping me out with fixing this typewriter, Sam. It's been a pain in the tail trying to type messages with one key out."

Sam could hardly disagree as he continued to work at clearing out some chewing gum from one of Farrah's kids stuck under the typewriter...which had all of three keys to begin with. All of the letters Carl had written as of late were pretty much just: "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS..."

The green stallion scratched his head. "Seriously, though. You'd think there'd be more than one repairpony in this town. Do they think everypony just 'dictates' things to unicorns?"

"Dangit...we need some of that pressurized air..." Sam grunted as he kept working. "I'm afraid to use some of that Spitfire stuff or it'll bleed on every page you type for weeks..."

Unable to do much, Carl leaned back and crossed his hooves. After a moment, however, Sam spoke up from his work.

"So...you heard the rumor, right Carl?"

"...Which one would that be, Sam?"

"That every single book in the 'Daring Do' series is actually based on the true stories of A.K. Yearling?"

Carl went rigid. "...You're joking, right?"

Sam shook his head. "The deathtraps, the temples, the villains, the relics...every last one of them is real. None of those books are fiction. They're autobiographical."
Carl continued to freeze.

"...So...Daring Do is a real pony."

"Yeah."

"...And everything she's done is real. Which means she's single handedly saved us all from supernatural forces on numerous occasions."

"Yeah."

Carl continued to stare blankly out.

"...What the hell, man?! Why aren't you reacting to this a bit more strongly?!"

Sam paused in his work. "Uh...why?"

"Dude...Daring Do. Is. REAL. Doesn't that shock you to think that she's really running around somewhere in all these ancient temples getting out all these infernal and heathen relics of ultimate power and loading our museums with them whenever she's not at home transcribing her own adventures?!"

"...Carl, exactly how many times has Ponyville faced utter disaster in the past three years? Nightmare Moon, the Ursa Minor, the parasprites, Discord, the Great and Powerful Trixie..."

"But dude! Doesn't this freak you out?! Doesn't this redefine reality for you?! What if there is no such thing as fiction?! What if everything we ever read was completely true?! Do you know what that would make the world?! I mean...what if it's filled with all sorts of crazy sh't and monsters?!"

Sam groaned, leaning out from the typewriter. "Dude...it was one time. Crazy as it is, it's nothing to get bent out of shape about." With that, he turned his head and began to look around the room they were in. "Isn't that right, Mr. White Rabbit?"

"I'm late for a very important date! But...yes, it's true, Sam."

"Treebeard?"

"Vrooom....vrooom....yes, little pony."

"Pennywise?"

"Of course. Want a balloon?"

"Great Cthulhu?"

"T'KLEEEEH T'KLEEEEH."

Sam looked back to the green stallion. "See, we all agree, Carl. Just because one fictional story turned out to be real doesn't mean that every work of fiction is real."

Carl groaned and slumped a bit...before an edgier-dressing, slacker-in-appearance version of Carl came over to him and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Now stop whining and help fix the typewriter. We still need to hit the liposuction dumpsters before we can start making soap tonight."

"Sigh...alright, Tyler..."

…So, if Daring Do is real, where the heck was she when Tirek showed up?

I dunno…going after the Holy Pail? Anyway…Carl, you didn’t really have a split personality named Tyler Durdin, did you?

Well…you know…there was that one summer in college…

Oops, it’ll have to wait! Time for the next one!

Flight to the Finish

Flight to the Finish

Sam and Carl were both on one of their cookie outings, although it appeared they weren't interested in cookies at the moment. Rather, both of them had small, hand-held, magic powered boxes...clearly portable games. Both seemed to be intently focusing on them as they played...oblivious to the lovely day around them.

After a while, Sam frowned and winced, before putting his down on the table. He held up his hoof soon after, looked at it, and then saw how it covered all buttons at once. He sighed.

"No wonder I keep not having my Gardevoir do the right thing." He looked over to the green stallion. "I'm a little surprised you haven't said anything about the button design on these things yet, Carl."

"Nah, that's not what bothers me about 'Pokemon'..." Carl muttered as he kept playing. "The thing that really gets me is that Pikachu in the merchandise show. It has to have been running for over a decade and he's still a Pikachu. That's ridiculous after all he's been through. He should be a Raichu by now. How can they expect people to take that show seriously? I mean, don't you think it's a little hard to believe that a character or characters would continuously never reach a benchmark in their development even after years of trying to hit it?"

Sam hesitated, then looked out into the street...just as he saw three fillies walk by: one with a red bow, one with naturally curly hair, and one with underdeveloped wings.

"So what are we doing today?"

"Flash memory repair."

"...Really?"

"We've literally tried everything else more exciting than that..."

Sam looked at them as they passed a moment, then he exhaled.

"...No, Carl. I don't think that's hard to believe at all."

Ha, loads of laughs! Our next-

Uh, Sam? Wasn’t our quickie for this one originally me passing out toxic rumors about Diamond Tiara and you getting ready to take photographs of her pain?

Well…as low and despicable as it is to make fun of a person with a disability, Carl, it’s no excuse to spread life-altering, horrific rumors about someone else. Because spreading rumors is like scattering feathers…you’ll never be able to gather them up again, and they can do long-lasting damage for years…possibly forever.

…When you put it that way, I guess you’re right. The truth is words do hurt, and we need to be big enough to not get revenge for the pettiness of others if we hope to make a better world. I’m glad I know that now.

I’m glad I shared it with you, Carl.

‘CAUSE KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

…

…

…

…

…Ready to move on?

Please.

Power Ponies

Power Ponies

Over a urban street landscape, late at night with a full moon hanging low and wisps of clouds or smog rolling by, there was a scene outside a city amusement park that looked rather ghastly. Scores of dead fairgoers and children with horrible, twisted grins on their dead faces, and numerous police officer ponies forming a barricade around the area and aiming their weapons inside.
Inside a circus tent within the fair pavilion, there were already a couple dead officers looking much the same as the innocent victims. There was no other sign of life for a moment...before a brilliant white flash went out and, seeming to be sucked out of a hole in reality, a green and blue pony were drawn out of a cosmic portal and deposited right inside...both wearing superhero costumes. After they landed and the portal closed, they both stared forward a moment...before the green one turned and glared at the blue one.

"...You told me you looked at the back cover of that comic before you bought it and made sure it had an 'ending'."

The blue one shrugged. "No comic book ever 'ends' nowadays! How was I supposed to know the shop in town started carrying the enchanted ones?"

"Those comics only killed 30 ponies this year alone, Sam!" Carl snapped in response, before facehooving. "Ugh...no wonder PC Comics is going out of business..."

"Yeah, especially considering kids are the ones who read most of them..." Sam groaned before looking at himself. "Let's see...I'm dressed in black...triple-weave Kevlar across my chest...my little 'accessory belt'-"

"Utility belt, man! Utility belt! Sheesh! You're like one of those guys that calls action figures 'dolls', aren't you?"

"...So I guess that makes me Batpony." He turned his head to Carl. "...You must be Sparrow."

Carl looked uneasy. "...First, second, or third generation? Or that fourth one from 'The Dark Warhorse Returns'?"

"Third."

"Thank Celestia I'm not second. Especially since the villain in this one is-"

He was cut off by an insane cackling, and both Sam and Carl looked to the source...just in time to see a ghastly, white-faced, green-maned, purple-suited stallion walking out of the shadows, looking completely crazy and malevolent as he gazed at both of them.

"...The Jester." Carl finished.

"Glad you could make it to my three-ring circus, Bats and Birdboy!" The Jester cackled. "Hope you have fun at my greatest show in Equestria!"

Both Sam and Carl grimaced.

"...We can't go back unless we stop him, can we?"

"Nope."

"Sh't. Terrific...and I don't even have superpowers... Alright..."

Sam began to reach for his utility belt. "First things first...which one of these pockets has the gas mask? Because I am not about to risk getting a faceful of Jester Venom doing this... Then I guess you run around behind so he doesn't slip away and I'll try-"

BLAM

Sam immediately snapped his head up in shock, to see that Carl had picked up a revolver off of one of the dead policeponies and had just shot the Jester in the chest. The pale-face clown pony only had a second to look shocked and gagged before he collapsed to the ground. He tried to do his signature insane laugh...but that was a bit hard with a bullet having ripped his pleural sacs and one of his heart valves. After that happened, Carl calmly walked up to him, pointed the revolver at his head and fired the remaining five shots into it. That done, he exhaled and tossed the gun away, then looked back to Sam.

"Mission accomplished."

Sam was a bit slack-jawed.

"You just..."

"Shot him to death. Yeah...something Batpony should have done sometime in the 1980s after the Jester started boasting about how easy it was for him to escape Arklay Asylum and racked up another 20 or so innocent lives every time he got out. Technically, Batpony is the villain by letting these guys get away with mass murder in every issue so he doesn't have to get his hooves dirty. Either that or a blithering moron."

Before anything else could be said, both ponies were sucked back into a white flash out of the carnival tent...

...and moments later, erupted out of the comic book in Sam's house and landed in a pile in front of it. They both groaned and grunted before climbing off of each other and looking back to the comic, just in time to see it fade into thin air.

Carl frowned at it. "Good riddance."

"No kidding..." Sam griped. "Next time, I'm sticking with a nice, harmless Harvey Hare comic."

Carl slapped Sam up the side of the head at that. "Don't you dare, you idiot! How many ponies do you know in real life could survive an anvil being dropped on their heads?!"

Sam recoiled in pain, and then frowned as he rubbed his head. "...Technically, Princess Twilight Sparkle-"

Suddenly, Carl looked up, and then cut him off. "Wait...Sam?"

The blue stallion sighed. "Yeah?"

"...Didn't we kind of find out a couple weeks ago that things we thought were pure fiction occasionally turn out to be completely real?"

"...Yeah..."

The two stood still a moment...before they heard police sirens in the distance. They soon grew even louder than that...before the sounds of wagon wheels outside of Sam's house ground to a halt. A moment later, both went a bit wide-eyed and looked to the door as they heard a furious pounding on it.

"Sam-Listens-to-Carl's-Problems! Incarlsistency! Open up in there! We have a warrant for your arrest for a murder committed in Trotham City!"

The two nervously looked to one another at that for a moment.

"What do we do?!"

"Only one thing to do! Escape into another comic book until the heat blows over!"

"Well...what other enchanted comic books do we have?!"

Carl snapped to one side, and soon came back with another one that he showed to Sam. Immediately...the blue stallion's face fell.

"...'The Pacing Dead'? Please tell me it's not the one while they're on the farm..."

"Eh...unfortunately it's after the Quartermaster has been introduced and after he lost an eye..."

"Son-of-a..."

…So how did the cops find us so fast?

…Sam, we got teleported into a comic book, forced to act out the roles of fake superheroes in a fake city, not to mention the fact we’re talking, colored ponies who wear clothes…and you’re worried about how the cops found us so quickly?

Alright, alright…but how’d we get out of those murder charges?

The same way everyone escapes punishment in Equestria, Sam. We bowed our heads, shed a few tears, and said: “We’re really sorry we made so much trouble for everyone. Could you find it in your hearts to forgive us someday?”

Oh yeah…

Bats!

Bats!

Sam let out a groan as he approached the door to Carl's apartment. He had missed his "cookie get-together" for this week...and that was never a good sign. In fact, if he was smart, he would probably just stay at home and forget the whole thing until it blew over tomorrow, as around that point Carl would no doubt have a new obsession. But...because he was a good friend, he had to check it out. On arrival, he gave a knock on the door.

"It's open...but you're not invited in!" Carl shouted from the other side. "Let's see if you're really a mortal pony!"

Sam facehooved. "Oh Celestia...he's obsessed with vampires now..."

He soon pushed open the door, and went a bit wide-eyed. In addition to having wallpapered his room with holy Celestia sun symbols and having hung garlic mustard plants all over the place, he had a small pile of wooden stakes next to the couch and was eagerly sharpening more...which wasn't that easy when one had hooves. He had ended up taping a stake to one hoof and his whittling knife to the other. He soon looked up as Sam walked in.

"Great, you're here. Could you do me a favor and go out and get some holy water?"

Sam didn't move and raised an eyebrow. "...What are you doing, Carl?"

"I'm ending the horror, that's what I'm doing, Sam. While she's still asleep during the day in that tree of hers, I'm going to go over to her house and stake her through the heart."

"...Who?"

"Who else?! That Butter...Mutter...Putter...you know! The flower child one!"

"...That's a bit rude, and her name is Fluttershy. We met her a few weeks ago."

"Oh, that what she says her name is...or is it 'El Diablo'?! She has to be destroyed! And if no one is going to assist me, I'll do it myself!"

Sam groaned. "...You're not still going psycho about her temporarily turning into a Vampire Fruit Bat? That was only for two nights..."

Carl paused in his whittling and looked up. "Oh, this has been going on for waaaaaay longer than 'two nights', Sam! Who's the only pony you know of in Equestria who can bend a thousands-of-years old elder wyrm to her will?"

Sam blinked. "Uh..."

"Who's the only pony who can look into the eyes of a cockatrice and not turn to stone?"

"Um..."

"Who decimated the Grand Galloping Gala that year we were in Canterlot by going into a ravenous, berserker, animal rage that made the front of every newspaper?"

"Well...she had help..."

"Who supposedly can't generate more than 2 horsepower from her wingbeats and yet was able to outfly the fastest flier in central Equestria while tethered to an air balloon with other ponies in it? Who has enough physical strength to smack around crowds of ponies and wagons whenever they make her angry and knows how to 'cut' a pony, and a dracoequis for that matter, emotionally where it hurts them the most? Who turned into an anger-fueled 'hulk' just a week ago?"

"That was in one of those enchanted comics! And alright, so she's bipolar!"

Carl shook his head. "Oh no, Sam... I've been telling everyone at the vegetable store, the lumber yard, and the Celestian bookstore...I've seen her 'true form'. I left out Jonathan Apples on the windowsill the other night and I saw her with my own eyes. That ragged coat...those pointed, ultrasonic-sensitive ears...those leathery bat wings...those needle-like incisors... She's clearly not a mare but an infernal demonspawn, and she must be destroyed to end her reign of terror! Only none of them believed me, of course...but I'm going to end the nightmare...er, a real nightmare, not a mare of the night...if it kills me!"

Sam stared back a moment.

"...You told every pony in town all that?"

"Yeah. Why?"

A knock suddenly went off on the door. Carl raised his head. "It's open...but yo-"

"Carl, shut up." Sam cut off as he went to the door and opened it. His pupils shrank a bit at what was on the other side.

Three of Princess Luna's stand-by chariot-pullers were there. One of them had a bat, the wooden, ball-playing kind...although it probably wasn't going to be used to play ball at the moment...in his teeth, and another had a set of "brass horseshoes" and was lightly tapping that hoof against his other. A third one narrowed his slit pupils at Sam.

"So..." He said in a South Manehatten accent. "We heard over at the lumber yard there's a stallion here who don't like bat-ponies..."

Sam swallowed and turned his head slightly.

"Carl? Some guys are here to see you about your latest obsession..."

So Carl, how’d you ever clear up things with those bat-ponies anyway?

…I didn’t.

“Hey! There he is!”

“Don’t let him get away!”

“I still got to knock out another three of his teeth!”

Uh, Carl? Those bat-ponies are…

Aw shi-

EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES – PLEASE STAND BY

Rarity Takes Manehattan

Rarity Takes Manehattan

Sam and Carl found themselves walking down the street that weekend. Normally, they'd be at a cafe, having one of their normal plates of cookies, and Sam would be struggling to weather whatever inconsistency for the week would be upsetting Carl. For a change, however, he thought of just going for a walk and discussing things. Perhaps being on the move would tire Carl out more...or at least make him more bearable.

Finally, the fateful moment arrived. Carl, getting a puzzled look on his face, turned to Sam.

"Sam?"

He exhaled a bit, but then answered. "Yeah, Carl?"

Suddenly, a golden pony walked by, giving a wave.

"Hey Sam! Nice day, isn't it?" Dawn cheered.

Sam looked up and gave a wave of his own. "Oh, hey Dawn!"

Dawn looked to Carl and waved as well. "Hey, Carl."

He absent-mindedly waved back. "Hey, Friendship-Killer...I mean, Dawn."

She soon walked by, and Sam looked back to Carl.

"Ok, what were you saying?"

"I'm just saying that I-"

"Carl!"

Giving a grimace, the green stallion looked behind him, just in time to see Farrah running up with No-Neck and her other two foals. As they passed by, she thrust a shopping list in his face.

"Get these for the kids so I can make them dinner tonight! Remember...Kraft, not Velveeta! They hate Velveeta! And make sure to get them strawberry yogurt while you're at it! I didn't put it on the list! Don't forget!"

No-Neck, on his part, gave Carl a "pony bite" as he passed...literally. Carl winced in pain, and as the colt ran off laughing, he muttered several obscenities.

"Anyway, what were you saying, Carl?"

"I was just saying that I noticed those six girls who run around town all the time have been..."

"Sam!"

Abruptly, the green stallion looked to one side, and Carl sighed at another interruption. However, Sam, on his part, looked to be on his best behavior as he saw Stonewall walking his dog and passing by him.

"Don't forget. Fishing trip. Next Sunday. Don't think just because I'm accepting you in the family that I take rainchecks lightly."

"Uh, no sir."

He looked to Carl and opened his mouth to say something...but instead just gave him a dark glare before turning and resuming walking. Carl himself frowned for a moment, before Sam looked back to him.

"Go on."

He sighed. "Look...the deal is I know the six of them are friends and all...but there was a time when you'd see them, you know, breaking up and just..."

"Hey, my boys!"

Carl fumed in rage while Sam looked forward...and soon grinned nervously as the foo dog known as "Rex" walked up to both of them.

"Hey stallions! How you doin'? You know, I just got in these designer horseshoes...and by 'got in', I think you know what I'm sayin'... And I'm just sayin' if you want first shot at 'em before they go on the market...I'm your boy. I can hook you guys up..."

"Uh...that's...very kind of you..." Sam swallowed in response. "But...we just swore off felonies...I mean, we just got new horseshoes!"

"Aw, damn. Come to me next time. I'll get 'em to you for half price. See you around." He said before moving on. Carl kept a frown on his face and glared ahead of him as he kept walking. After a moment, Sam looked back to him.

"...Yes, Carl?" He asked. "You were saying something about how there was a time that..."

Carl fumed, and then spoke more loudly. "I was saying there was a time in which you'd only see them hanging out in groups of two or three or something doing something together...but lately it seems as if all six of them go around doing everything!"

Sam turned his brow a bit. "That's...kind of an odd thing to get fixated on, Carl...especially since they're all friends."

"Well, you know what they say, Sam. Two's a gathering and three's a rowdy bunch. So what happens with six? I mean, I've hung around them a couple times. It seems like aside from one or two of them each day, the others are just there to stick around and say a few things to let people know they're there, and the rest of the time they're essentially just 'placeholders'. I mean...how would we like it if our inner circle of friends and loved ones just hung around us every day to say a word or two and then be forgotten about?"

"You're reading too much into things...yet again, Carl." Sam simply responded.

They both turned forward and kept walking...before they saw a pair of mares walk up to them. One was a gray earth pony with a Cutie Mark of a misty meadow, while the other one was a very tall earth pony with a mane like an aurora borealis and a Cutie Mark of a crown within stars. Both Sam and Carl froze and stared at them for a moment.

"...Never seen those two before."

The taller one rolled her eyes as she passed. "Not surprising...I don't think there's a hundred people around here who even know who I am..."

"You think you background ponies have it tough not getting recognized..." The gray one sighed as she walked along.

...Who the heck were those guys?

Shameless self-promotions from a writer who really couldn’t come up with anything for that week, Sam.

I wonder if anybody recognized anyone in that one other than us, Carl…

And he gave the guy who wrote “Castle Mane-ia” a hard time… Karma’s a bitch, eh?

Ugh…just…go to next week…

Pinkie Apple Pie

Pinkie Apple Pie

Sam and Carl were enjoying one of their "cookie outings" together at a local cafe, although for once they didn't seem to be engaged in their normal discussions. Sam, on his part, was looking over a couple sets of scrolls, only partially unrolled at a time, quirking an eyebrow as he ran his hoof over them. As for Carl, he was looking at a camera around his neck on a special spring-loaded collar, and fiddling with it. He seemed he was trying to get it to pop up, but it wasn't coming. Gritting his teeth, he fooled with it for a little before only "half" of it sprang up and poked him in the eye.

"OW! Son-of-a-b***h! This stupid piece of crap is going to blind me before I get it fixed!"

"Hey Carl, check this out."

Grumbling a bit, Carl yanked the camera off, slammed it to the table, and then went over to Sam. "What?"

"I was looking over these geneologies for me and Dawn's family tree, seeing as the wedding is coming up and all, and check it... Our families are related!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, right here. In the year 881, In the Year of Celestia, my great-great-great-grandfather, Matthias-Pays-Attention-to-Samuel was married to Fionne Charger, second daughter of Ignatius Podran Charger, also known as 'I. Pod' Charger."

"No kidding? Let me see that..."

The green stallion looked it over for a moment. He soon gulped. "Eh...Sam? You're not going to like this...but look at these names a bit earlier than that..."

Sam looked where he pointed, and soon narrowed his gaze.

"Let's see...Frederick-Heeds-the-Concerns-of-Roderick was married to...Ink Mover. So?"

"Dude...look over here. They changed their last name to 'Pusher' after the Great Apple Famine of the 800s."

Sam's jaw dropped. "No way...you're not saying I'm actually related to that son-of-a-boss at work, are you?!"

"Afraid so..." Carl grimaced as he looked down again. Then, suddenly, he looked up a bit. "Sam, Sam! Look at this!"

Almost afraid to, Sam looked down at another set of records.

"I'm not sure I want to... But...looks like during the Auxois and Mustang Wars in the 600s..." He paused, and then blinked. "...Lucille-Heareth-Yon-Weeping-of-Annabelle was married to Sir Connerrundrum of Enigma..."

He gasped a bit, and then looked to Carl.

"Dude...I'm actually distantly related to you?!"

"Neat, huh?"

Sam's face fell a bit. "Actually makes me feel a little dirty to know I have 'Carl' genes annoying my other genes 24/7..."

"What was that, Sam?"

The blue stallion blanched...but then hesitated. "Wait a sec...hold on. According to this, Lucille's father was... Apfelwein the Third from Pferdeland..."

"...So?"

"Dude...that's the old phonetic spelling for 'Apple Wine'. I'm related to the Apple family!"

"Huh?" Carl looked down, and blinked again. "Hang on a second... Conner's mother was named Hostessa Kreme Pie! I'm related to the ADHD pony who works here!"

"Hang on a second..." Sam muttered, soon looking all over the geneology. As he did, he raised his head and looked at various earth ponies as they passed. He seemed to be checking each one. He unrolled the other scrolls and did the same. Carl waited for a few moments, before Sam finally looked up in astonishment.

"Uh...Carl? I don't think there's a single earth pony in town we aren't related to. Likely a single earth pony in Equestria. In fact...I'm going to go so far as to say every earth pony in this entire country is a distant cousin of every other earth pony."

The green stallion blinked in astonishment, but then formed something of an uneasy look and a shrug. "Well...earth ponies are traditionally 'rural folk', Sam...and...well...you know the stereotype..."

The blue one grimaced a bit in response. "...That's pretty sick, dude. This isn't a family tree. It's more of a family 'net'. Our genetic codes probably 'lap' themselves..."

Both ponies looked a bit grim as they slumped into their seats and stared forward.

"Well Sam...you know what this means, right?"

"...That I need to head to the doctor to see how many genetic disorders I'm at risk for considering how inbred my ancestors were?"

"No..." Carl answered, before he began to get enthused and grin. "It means we are totally crashing the next Apple Family Reunion for free food and fermented cider! Now let's hurry up and pay the tab so we can get to that big bat mitzvah downtown and score free cake!”

So…if we’re that inbred naturally…how bad do you think those hillbilly ponies later this season were?

Who is John Galt?

…Huh?

It means: “Don’t ask a question you really don’t want to know the answer to.”, Sam.

…Good point.

Three's A Crowd

Three’s A Crowd

Ponyville was unusually quiet that day...almost like a ghost town. No pony was out selling apples or other forms of fruit, none of the wagons were running, and none of the shops were open. Instead, everything was completely quiet and abandoned. A single tumbleweed slowly blew by.

After a time, a light "clopping" of horseshoes rang out as a single vermillion-colored pony with a red shirt for a Cutie Mark began to walk down the main road, looking in either direction at how the city seemed to be almost abandoned. He blinked and turned from one direction to another, and finally began to start calling out.

"Uh...hello? Is this Ponyville?" He asked. "Anyone out there? Hello?"

"Psst!"

A loud whisper made the stallion blink, and then look up above. He soon grew more confused as he saw a group of ponies huddled in terror on the roof. One blue stallion with a human ear for a Cutie Mark was looking over the edge and putting a hoof to his mouth to get his attention.

"...What the heck are you all doing up there?" The one on the ground called.

"Dude...shut up!" Sam whispered loudly back in response. "Just get up on the roof while you still can!"

The stallion quirked a brow. "On the roof?" He said at full volume. "What in Celestia's name are you doing on the-"

And that was as far as he got before tentacles erupted out of the ground around him, lashed onto his four legs, and promptly yanked him under the ground into the waiting jaws of a massive, tri-beaked worm.

Sam gave an uneasy grimace as he pulled back, his eyes glancing over the other roofs in town to see the rest of the city populace still perched on them. He turned his head over to a green stallion with a find-the-difference-picture for a Cutie Mark and grimly shook his head.

Carl likewise looked uncomfortable. "If we get out of town alive, I think our tourism industry is dead..."

"Well...at least we know what was killing all of the cows in town..."

"Yeah...plus why the ratio of pegasi to earth ponies and unicorns suddenly spiked... On that note..." Carl looked to the sky and shook his hoof at the last of the distant winged creatures flying for it. "I'll see you all in Hell, you feathered bastards!"
The building they were on suddenly gave a lurch and sank a few inches to the sound of a giant monster growling. Every pony on the roof grimaced in response until it steadied, then gave a glare to Carl.

"Dude, shut up! They're already trying to dig us into the ground!" Sam snapped in response. He sighed and drummed his hoof against his head. "We need to get out of Ponyville... A helicopter is what we need...or a Celestia-damn tank!"

"Wait a minute, Sam...the cat! Could we take the cat?"

"...Maybe if we didn't have to pull it ourselves, Carl. We need something with a motor like those cider salesmen had."

"Oh yeah...right..." Carl thought a moment. "How about a distraction?" He turned his head to a nearby outhouse roof. "Hey No-Neck! Want to make a bit?"

"Ah, eat it!" Came the response.

Carl frowned, and then turned to Sam again. "Can't we get in the basements, lure them in, and then shoot them to death like your future-father-in-law did with that one?"

"We don't exactly have rifles like him, Carl..."

The green stallion sighed. "Damnit, I can't think of anything when my blood sugar is so low! Thanks to these....these...." He thought a moment. "...What do we call them anyway, Sam?"

"Mulegarian Death Worms."

"That's too complicated... Give them something easier...something that ends in '-oid'..."

"Carl, forget the damn name!"

"You're going to be sorry if you don't give them a better name! Anyway...the point being they ruined our cookie outing today and I'm going through a sugar crash! If it comes to never eating another cookie again...I'm just going to grab myself a bottle of diet soda, open it up, breath mints ready to go inside...walk out there and let 'em take me." He grinned devilishly as he looked at the ground. "...Boom."

Sam blinked a moment. "...That's not such a bad idea. Gives me an idea...going fishing like!" He turned to the other ponies gathered. "Anyone got any rope?"

A chartreuse mare with a Cutie Mark of twine immediately rose with a smile. "And my teacher said no one would ever need someone who's talent was weaving ropes..."

One hour later, everyone was off the roofs again and looking at two large, bloody, entrail-stuffed craters in the ground. Most of them were covered with bits of entrails, including Sam and Carl as they walked up to one of them, waving their hooves in front of their noses.

"I tell you, Sam...no one handles Mentos and Diet Coke better than we do."

"Yup."

"...Worse thing ever to happen to town?"

"Seeing as Discord didn't leave a stench...possibly. At least it's over..."

Suddenly, another pony came running into their midst.

"Everyone, run for your lives! Global warming has caused every last shark in Equestria to concentrate right in the path of an incoming hurricane, creating deadly tornadoes made up of large, pony-eating sharks headed right for us!"
Most of the citizens screamed and ran...while Sam and Carl slumped for a moment. After a few seconds, however, both of them looked to each other, smiled, and popped another two Mentos before facing the "fourth wall" and grinning.

Mentos! The Fresh-Maker!

Ha-ha! But getting serious for a moment, folks…the ability to properly tie rope cannot be emphasized. It’s useful for many applications around the house, important for being able to secure lots of heavy loads that are oversized in moving vehicles, and if you’re every out trapped in the wild, it’s crucial to survival. A good background in tying rope just might save your life one day. So please…make sure you know about how to handle yourself around ropes, and remember that a bad tie could mean the death of someone close to you.

Also…don’t see “Sharknado: The Second One”. Seriously…stop encouraging SyFy to make these things.

Pinkie Pride

Pinkie Pride

Another day, another cookie outing for Sam and Carl. This one, however, Sam had to admit was a bit unusual compared to past ones. Carl actually had a stack of books nearby, and was reading through them with a curious look as time went on.

Sam ate his cookies in peace as he watched him, for once thinking of "letting it slide"...but finally he sighed.

"...Alright, I'll bite. What are you reading, Carl?"

"Oh. Just what I heard yesterday, Sam. You remember when the pink one and the cheesy one were having a competition, right?"

Sam narrowed his eyes. "...Pinkie and Cheese, Carl. You're going to offend people if you can't remember their names for more than one day. And it was called a 'Goof-Off'."

"Exactly. You know, for years, I thought if you wanted to 'goof-off' all you had to do was just waste time playing video games or eating cookies. But it turns out it's not just an expression, but an actual detailed ceremony with distinct rules. I wondered what other expression we use all the time without knowing the true reason for it. So I looked them up...and check it out. There's quite a few and some of them get pretty odd. Like here's one...a 'feeding frenzy'. A true feeding frenzy means you have to spin in a circle like one of those old Tasmanian Devil cartoons while crashing your body into tables at an eatery while seizing items of food off of random people's tables and tossing them upward, and then you have to catch them in your mouth. You continue until all food is consumed or the police are called."

"Huh. What do you get if you win?"

"Antacid."

"...What if you lose?"

"A jail sentence for public disturbance."

"Weird." Carl thought a moment. "What about 'rise-and-shine'?"

"Check it...you have to wait until you wake up, and then quickly start covering your body with as much high-gloss finish as you can while standing on the roof of the tallest building in town. Whoever passes out from the fumes and falls off of the building first loses."

"Urk...what does the winner get for that?"

"A BLT sandwich. Like I said, these are odd."

"What does the loser get?"

"Depending on the size of the building? Either a free plot in the cemetery or a mercy killing."

"That's just creepy."

"That's nothing. Here's one for a 'No-Brainer'. I won't go through the details, but let's just say it involves shoving a lot of red-hot pokers up each other's noses... The winner gets...free cleaning supplies for a month...for some reason..."

"Good Celestia! Aren't there any harmless ones? Like, I don't know, 'spill the beans'?"

"Oh no, Carl. That one involves dumping red-hot, fresh, cooked beans on your own hooves until the third degree burns cripple you for life. Not even much of a prize for it..." He looked a bit closer, and raised an eyebrow. "50% off your next purchase of office furniture...huh?"

The blue stallion was simply confused after that one. Carl suddenly tapped on one.

"Oh, here's one! Get your pipes cleaned..."

"I don't think I want to hear that one, Carl..."

"Why not? All you're doing is seeing who can clean and polish each other's plumbing the fastest. And you win..." He blinked. "...an nonexpressive, post-contemporary curio? While the loser gets...a booting? When the heck was this book written?"

"Carl, just get rid of those stupid books. It's not like anyone does any of that stuff anymore...and we'd probably be in trouble if they did."

The green stallion sighed as he shut the cover. "You're right. Besides, most of this stuff doesn't even make sense. I just need to get back that one I loaned those fillies outside of school earlier and I'll get my money back..."

Sam blinked a bit. "...You what? Where are they now?" There was some panic in his voice.

"Keep your saddlebags on. They're right over there." Carl answered with a gesture behind him.

Sam looked, and soon blinked in shock. Carl turned and looked as well, and was soon likewise stunned. Three fillies were proudly walking down the street...holding saws, nails, drills, and needles and thread...all of which were mottled with a large amount of blood, just like them.

"Uh...there were five of them before..." Carl started nervously.

"Er...kids?" Sam called out with a gulp. "What...'game' did you just get done playing?"

One of them turned over to Sam and Carl with a grin. "Joined at the Hip!"

That was fantastic… Who would have thought Weird Al would have actually helped out with that week? I love his parodies…and the PMVs people do of his parodies. Don’t you, Sam?

…Carl, those fillies ended up alright, didn’t they?

Who is John Galt?

Oh Celestia…

Simple Ways

Simple Ways

Within one of the larger buildings in Ponyville, right in the midst of the "Ponyville Dayz" celebration, a quiet bit of orchestral music was playing on a record phonograph. At the same time, the interior of the building was filled top to bottom with dignified-looking stallions and mares, all appearing very "highbrow", snouts turned up, in elegant dresses and suits. They were going about to the various stations within the building, each of which seemed to be offering samples of various vintages of local ciders. Some of the ponies would take glasses with small amounts, swill it around and hold it to light, drink it, swish it around in their mouths, and eventually spit it out again in a bucket. All before they would occasionally make a marking on the sheets nearby.

Among the crowd were two rather bored looking stallions trying to make the best of the situation. The blue one at least had a reasonable suit on as he looked over the various ciders uncomfortably, but the other one, his suit far more out of style and obviously secondhand, was far more miserable. He took up one glass, drank it straight without swishing, thought a moment, then merely gave a shrug. He looked down to the sheet nearby...and his eyes bulged.

"'Minimum bet: 300 bits'?!"

Sam, grimacing at Carl's sudden outburst, quickly grabbed him and began to lead him out of the building before he could make a bigger scene. Already, all of the other stallions and mares had dropped what they were doing and turned to him in surprise, and he was eager to get out of there.

In moments, they were out back into the street, where the blue stallion gave him a glare.

"Carl, do the words 'silent auction' mean anything to you?!"

"I've had it with this crap, Sam!" The green stallion retorted as he ripped off his tie and threw it to the ground...revealing it to be a clip-on. "This is, without a doubt, the worst 'Ponyville Dayz' I've ever been to! Look as this crud! Silent auctions...galas where they're playing violin music...fashion shows?! Do I look like I need a new dress, Sam?! I can't believe they closed Sugarcube Corner for this! Besides, yesterday they claimed there was going to be bull riding and a country fair! Now this morning I find out I have to get a suit to fit in?!"

"What can I say, Carl? That's what the coordinator wanted."

"And since when did Ponyville Dayz become the one day a year we basically have to cater to somepony else's demands? Instead of a beergarten, we get this overpriced discount-winery? They could have at least picked someone better! Why didn't they give it to the pink one?"

"...Pinkie Pie, Carl. Her name is Pinkie Pie. And she already does everything...literally. Birthdays, holidays, marriages, baptisms, bar mitzpahs, bat mitzpahs, funerals, school awards, Cutie Marks, losing teeth... Even every time someone gets one of those 'you may already be a winner' pieces of junk mail she throws a city-wide party..."

"Then why not those guys dressed in armor?"

"They were LARPers, Carl. You really wanted to spend the whole day hitting people with plastic swords and arguing over whether or not they used a potion of healing before or after you ran them through? Or doing medieval jail-and-bail where some foal, just to be a d**k, spends their allowance on tossing you in a cardboard cell?"

"Or that guy with all the planets on his head! That looked cool."

"Ugh...Carl, that guy was the head of the Ponyville Astronomer's Club. The events would have been stargazing, launching model rockets, and a beginner's expo on horology..."

"...We still perform horology?"

"...Carl, we still practice magic. For crying out loud, the local weatherpegasus still sacrifices a goat and looks at its entrails to see what the weather should be for this week."

"Come on, shooting off some rockets could have been fun. Anything with fire and the risk of death would be better than this... Or Derpy! We should have let Derpy handle the whole thing!"

"Dude, she destroyed City Hall last time she tried hanging a banner! And her only suggestions for events were 'eat muffins', 'eat muffins', and 'I can't think of a third event, but something that involves eating muffins'."

"You would really rather see a fashion show than eat muffins, Sam."

As the two continued to argue, however, Carl suddenly spotted somepony coming by. It was none other than Ponyville's oldest citizen and member of the Ponyville Dayz committee: Granny Smith. She seemed on her way to the gala in the square at the moment. However, on spotting her, Carl frowned and called out.

"Granny Smith, come on! You're a country woman! How could you pick the local fashionista to run the entire Ponyville Dayz event?"

The old green-gray mare paused in midstep, and turned to look to Carl and Sam. She smiled a moment later.

"Why, 'twere an easy choice, sonny. What other day o' the year can ah' sell bottles of Sweet Apple Acres' cheapest crap fer 300 bits a pop?"

Both Sam and Carl stared dumbfounded as Granny gave a chuckle and kept walking.

"...Sam?"

"Yeah Carl?"

"I'll never trust the elderly again."

"Me neither, Carl. Me neither."

And so, we all learned a valuable lesson that week: Never trust old people. Ever. They’ll use what wits they still have to take advantage of you.

…That’s a pretty crappy lesson, Carl.

Oh? And the ‘real’ lesson about ‘being yourself’ went over so well?

…Good point. I guess Applejack/Rarity weeks just don’t work.

What about that one with the Sisterhooves Social?

That didn’t count, Carl. It was more Sweetie Belle and Rarity.

Ah.

“Hey you guys!”

Huh? Who’s that?

The brick mason for the fourth wall, Sam.

“Right! Stop knocking holes in it faster than I can patch it!”

Er…moving on…

Filli Vanilli

Filli Vanilli

Carl didn't exactly look to be that well at ease today. He seemed rather jittery, constantly looking around, quivering like a leaf, and not indulging in cookies for once. Instead, he had settled for a cup of coffee and was struggling to drink it. However, most of it was getting on the table as he struggled to bring it to his lips. Just before he could take a sip, however, the voice of Sam, who was approaching from behind him, called out.

"Hey Carl."

Immediately, the green stallion spat out his coffee and dropped the cup, snapping to Sam in fear. However, on seeing him, and seeing Sam recoil in surprise from this, he let out a groan instead.

"Don't do that!" He retorted. "I'm scared to death enough as it is!"

Sam blinked in response, but then noticed Carl's appearance. A bit confused, he turned and moved over to the chair opposite him. "Come to think of it...you do look pretty bad..."

"Of course I look bad." Carl answered as he set his coffee cup back up. "I haven't slept in days...and I'm constantly on the lookout for..." He paused and swallowed. "...her."

Sam looked puzzled. "...Her who?"

"Who do you think?! The pink one!"

"...Pinkie Pie, Carl. And...why are you trying to look out for her, of all ponies?"

"Because she's freaking me out!" The green stallion shot back. "You know how my birthday is in three days, right?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah. In fact, I was going to ask you what you wanted..."

"How about a restraining order?" Carl answered. "I know she likes to throw parties, but...this is getting insane... This is what my week has been like..."

Carl let out a sigh as he undid his tie...which wasn't easy, even if it was a clip-on, for someone with hooves. He was tired from work and trying to enjoy his last few moments before his sister and nephews got home, when he heard a knock on the door. Letting out a groan, he forgot the tie, moved to it, and opened it up.

He soon saw a pink pony with poofy hair grinning at him.

"Hello, Incarlsistency!" She cheered. "I heard your birthday's in a week! Want me to plan the party for you?"

Carl stared back blankly. "...Not really. I'm turning 30 and the thought just depresses me."

"Are you suuuuure?" She grinned in response.

"Yes." Carl dully answered. "Good day."

He shut the door in her face and turned to go back to getting out of his work clothes.

The next day, Carl was walking down one of the dirt roads trying to get to town, needing to get some new light bulbs after Farrah had used the last ones and not told him about it. As he did, he muttered while passing the quills and couches store. Did they really sell only those? How many ponies in town burned through quills and couches?

However, as he went by a hedge, he suddenly froze. A bit to his surprise, the leaves slowly rustled...as the grinning, happy form of Pinkie Pie slowly pulled out of them and into the road as if she was "melting" through them, and she turned with a grin ear-to-ear toward Carl.

"Hey Carl!" She announced. "You sure you don't want me to plan your party? I'll make it the best birthday ever!"

Carl paused for a moment. "Uh...no. Like I said, I'm not eager to celebrate."

She kept grinned. "Oooook..."

Slowly, she seemed to "melt" back into the hedge and vanish. Carl blinked a few times, then kept on his way...a bit uneasily now.

On coming home later that day, Carl decided to check his mail first. As he went up to the boxes, and went about the arduous process of trying to get his key, which wasn't easy because of his hooves, he suddenly heard a motor chugging behind him...and then whirring at full speed. He reacted a bit in surprise, and spun around...then gasped as he saw a pony wielding a pink chainsaw and having a pig facemask run right up to him. He soon screamed in terror...

When the pony stopped right in front of him and pushed up the mask while the chainsaw was still running, revealing Pinkie's monstrous grin.

"Hey Carl! Look at my new cake-cutter! You can use it at the party! And I'll wear my new pig mask too!"

Carl swallowed a bit uncomfortably, still sweating and recoiling.

"Uh...I'm not a big cake eater...I prefer cookies..."

He turned and bolted into the house.

The next day, Carl looked a bit uneasy when he went to Sugarcube Corner. He wasn't meeting Sam this time...just stopping by for a bite on the way home from work. However, his head was frequently turning around, looking for signs of Pinkie Pie jumping out at him. After a moment, Mrs. Cake came by and set down his order of six gingersnaps. He looked to them for a moment as she left, and then began to put them away...

"Oooooh....Caaaaaarl..."

The green stallion looked up a bit, and soon expressed considerable shock. On the stairs in the back of the room, Pinkie Pie was crawling down...only not traditionally. More like she was bent over backward like an estranged crab...and the grin on her face bigger than ever as she descended rapidly to the ground level, and stared at him upside down.

"We can have a competition of who can come down stairs like an upside-down crab the fastest!"

Carl didn't answer. He got up and bolted for the door...although a moment later he came back and seized his cookies first before fleeing.

The next day, Carl looked rather fearful as he messed around a bit in the garage that the complex had allowed him to have. His wagon still lay in disrepair from the disastrous trip to Manehattan, but currently he was trying to clean off his lawnmower a bit. Unfortunately, the garage currently had a leak in the roof and it seemed to be dripping down from the rain outside, over a bunch of chains that had been put up to hang tools or other things from the ceiling.

As he used a screwdriver to try and jam out some crud from the spokes...a pink, poofy tail suddenly unfurled behind him. Moments later, a pink pony seemed to silently descend behind him. It touched the ground lightly, but he suddenly sat upright, managing to hear it none the less...or perhaps realizing it was there. Slowly, he turned around...and was stricken in panic as the shadow of a hoof fell over his face.

He saw a pony muzzle slowly pull back its lips and open wide...before a smaller Pinkie Pie head came out of it with that same grin...wider than ever, and her pupils now "wall-eyed".

"We can play a new game! I call it 'Hang from Dripping Chains from the Ceiling and Drop Down Behind Ponies!'"

Carl gave a long, echoing cry of fear.

Carl swallowed as he finished recounting the last story.

Sam looked likewise uneasy. "...This has been one of those bad weeks for her, I guess. One where she's crawling up the walls... Anyway...why don't you just let her plan the party? That'll put an end to this madness."

Carl groaned in response as he looked up to Sam. "I can't do that, Sam."

"...Why not?"

"I already hired somepony else in town who was doing it for cheaper."

Sam's eyes immediately went wide. He sat there still as a statute. Carl raised an eyebrow at this. He looked up slightly.

"Uh...Sam? Something wrong?"

Sam didn't answer. Instead, he began to shudder violently all over and abnormally. After a moment, it made Carl look uncomfortable.

"Um...Sam...what's...what's going on...?"

Sam only shook more violently, until, to Carl's shock, it looked like he was literally "boiling" underneath his skin. Not only that, but parts of his face began to twist, distort, and peel back. So did the rest of him...as his hide split and revealed a pink tail coming out which soon thrashed about like a whip-like tentacle. Carl, realizing what was going on, suddenly gaped in fear...before the front of Sam split open all together, and pink hooves thrashed about like more tentacles from inside. Suddenly...there was an eruption as Pinkie Pie exploded out from inside of "Sam" and attached to the ceiling, glaring down at Carl with her eyes spastic and an angry scowl far worse than her grin.

"You...got...somepony...else?!"

She held out one of her hooves...which immediately sprouted claws made of cake slices, which shot down for Carl as he screamed louder than ever...

...and suddenly shot up in bed, covered in sweat and still screaming.

Carl continued to panic and shout for a moment...before he suddenly realized where he was. He was at home and in bed. He fearfully looked around a moment, gasping and panting...until he realized nopony was there. No monstrous Pinkie. No claws of cake. It had all been a nightmare.

Sighing in relief, he leaned back in bed and exhaled, slowly relaxing. Yet as he calmed down, his brows twitched again. He felt something. He looked down to the covers in front of him. After a moment, he pulled them up...

...and revealed his nightshirt had been torn open in four places, and he now had slash marks of frosting across his torso.

Yeah…where was Princess Luna on that one?

Remind me never to cross Pinkie Pie…

I think she’s gotten crazier this year… Seriously…those of you reading this. Haven’t you noticed how many of her scenes have her pupils unusually small like it was in that episode where she went insane?

Twilight Time

Twilight Time

As Sam pushed open the doors to the restaurant, holding them for the three young fillies to follow him in soon afterward, he could already hear a tirade coming from the counter.

"Look, I think I have a right to know what's in these burgers!"

"...Sir, our restaurant is called Hayburgers. Our burgers are made of hay."

"Alright, then let me go behind the counter and see this alleged 'hay' that you have piled up back there. Perhaps you have a little man spinning it into beef, hmm?"

Sam sighed as he looked away from it and to a nearby table. "Carl, keep it down. I'm teaching a lesson today." He soon walked over and sat down in a chair. "Girls, have a seat. I know you just 'learned your lesson' from the princess, but I think you missed one that you still have to know about."

In response, the three girls slowly, and a bit uncertainly and uneasily, took their seats around the table. Once they were all situated, Sam leaned forward, crossed his hooves, tried to ignore Carl yelling about the "special sauce" formula, and then faced them. Afterward, he pointed to the counter.

"If you would be so kind as to ignore that green, ranting, raving stallion...look down and see that guy on the end. You see him? The one bagging Hayburgers and Horseshoestring fries into bags?"

The girls looked over to him, and soon nodded. "Uh...yeah..."

"That, dear fillies, is the lowliest position in Equestrian society. Even lower and more underpayed and overworked than janitors. It's called a 'Sch-Bag', and their job is simply to bag up food and ship it out. Boring, repetative, and unrewarding. But everypony has to do it. Unless you come from some rich and privileged background where things are 'handed to you', that's all anypony can do if they want to make their own bits. Now...look up at that line of employee-of-the-months on the wall. See how one photo is missing?

"Once, there was a worker here named Deuce Wild. He got his start doing that same job. And he was the best at it. He always smiled. He put in a touch of flair and got out the orders quickly. One might even say he managed to make a real art form or profession out of his job. And all of his peers loved him because they knew they could always count on him, and that he could always make them laugh or put a smile on their faces. In fact, the only ponies who didn't like him were the junior managers. And that was because they had never gotten anywhere in their own lives based on their own talent or merit or character. They got everything "passed down" to them without having to work for it or needing to impress people or make connecions, and they considered it a pain and a nightmare to have to work 'so hard' for where they were. And since they knew no one would ever like them enough to promote them or hang out with them otherwise, they began to boast of their own status while pooh-poohing everypony else. In a demented way, they figured if they made everyone else unhappier than them, that they would "still win". And so, they constantly put everypony down, bragged about how much better they were than everypony else, and made everypony's lives a living hell, always looking for new reasons to insult and hate ponies, no matter how deep it cut or how painful it was.

"Yet one day, his popularity grew so much that even those managers who tormented him wanted to work with him. They actually admired his attitude, his way to command the attention of people, and, most importantly, his ability to make money. Yet they never changed in regard to anyone else with him, whether it be his parents or friends, just as hateful and snobbish as ever. Eventually, the time came for Deuce to be offered a higher position. He had said when he started that he was perfectly fine working the service counter...but he had obviously changed. He ended up abandoning not only the position he loved, but he catered straight to the managers, all because they had more wealth and clout in the work environment, and he saw that as a key to allowing himself to get rich...and even eventually more famous. He abandoned his own friends and paired with the same snide, cruel individuals.

"He did well too. Eventually he went all the way to president. Made a lot of bits...more than any other president in Hayburgers history. But as you can see...his image is gone from the all time Sch-Bags. That's because he forsook everything...especially those who stood behind him even when he had nothing. And, in return, he got abandoned by them. Because he so easily turned aside a friend when it became something that wasn't a stepping stone. And now...he's a curse and a byword among ponies. I'm sure your mothers have told you not to repeat it when you hear: 'What a Deuce Sch-Bag'. So...keep in mind his story next time you think you're doing well getting the admiration of a certain two fillies at school, won't you?"

The girls, however, merely stared back incredulously in response.

"...Uh, was that supposed to be a lesson?" The one with wings asked.

"If he became so rich, couldn't he just buy people willing to be his friend?" The one with a bow asked.

"And who really needs friends when you have that much money and things? Ponies will just flock to you whenever you want." The curly-maned one added. "I mean, look how popular we got in just a few days. Everypony in school was eating out of our hooves just because we let them know we were friends with a princess."

Sam held a moment, then frowned, realizing he wasn't much good at these "moral stories"...just in time to hear Carl in the background demanding to see the nutrition information sheet to ensure the Horseshoe-String fries didn't contain bits of actual horseshoes in them. Yet as he thought of this, he heard a child muttering nearby in a cross tone.

"...I've got a fable for you..."

Sam and the CMCs turned their heads, just in time to see a baby purple dragon go up to the condiments counter to get some packets.

"Once upon a time there was this unicorn who had a dragon as her assistant. One day she became an alicorn, and ever since then, the alicorn and her five friends started treating the dragon with less and less respect and more and more like a thankless slave. Even the one he was in love with wouldn't give him the time of day anymore. He put up with it for months, but eventually it got to be too much, and he was tired of never getting any respect or concern. So he started looking for a way in which he could serve them all industrial-strength laxatives mixed in with their tea or salsa next time they asked for it. The moral of the story is to not treat your assistants like doormats."

All four stared blankly for a moment.

"...I don't get it." The one with the bow stated.

"What's that have to do with anything?" The one with the wings asked.

"Are we talking about the same thing?" The one with a curly mane asked.

In response, the dragon merely sighed, got his condiments, then turned and began to walk out.

Carl, at this point, turned his head slightly back with a frown. "You want a moral? How about this. Just because one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders does more talking than the others doesn't make it a Sweetie Belle episode. It's still a CMC episode."

Now, everypony, Sam included, looked more confused than ever as they looked to Carl. The green stallion grimaced a bit, but was silent as he looked back to them. A moment later, he looked confused, and pointed to the one with a naturally curly mane.

"...You know, in four years, I've only seen you and your older sister together, like, once?"

…Shouldn’t ‘grilled hay’ light on fire, Sam?

And that is why everyone in Equestria cooks food over griddles instead of open flames, Carl.

Oh yeah… Now that you mention it, that reminds me of what happened to the Hayburger Tsar in Ponyville five years back when they tried making flame-broiled hayburgers… 17 ponies dead…not to mention if you thought that Tsar was creepy-looking when he was just a plastic face mask, everyone in town is still trying to stop seeing his half-melted, flaming face in their nightmares… I don’t think even Luna will ever get rid of those.

…Moving on yet again…

It Ain't Easy Bein' Breezies

It Ain’t Easy Bein’ Breezies

The murmuring in front of city hall lasted only a moment longer after Ms. Mare came up and tapped her hoof on the podium. After doing so, everyone in the crowd turned their attention forward. A moment later, she cleared her throat and then began.

"Thank you all for attending this week's Ponyville Debate. As always, our two debaters who will be taking up today's topic are Sean Hinny-ty on my right and Alan Cobs on my left. Today's discussion...what is the real lesson we can all take home from Fluttershy's recent incident with the Breezies? Starting us off will be Sean. Sean...what's the lesson we learned from seeing this?"

"Well, it's pretty clear, Ms. Mare. I'm not sure how much clearer it has to be. The lesson we should all learn from this is in practicing tough love and not sheltering ponies or keeping them from growing as individuals. In the long run, we're only going to be hurting them. And this point was made perfectly clear by the entry that Fluttershy wrote in her journal once this was over."

"Alan? Do you agree?"

"Once again, Ms. Mare, Sean is focusing only on the most generalized picture and not seeing what else happened. The main point we can take home from this is that you should treat ponies the way you want to be treated. Not tear them down with verbal abuse and hate-filled venom to the point where they don't even believe they can do anything anymore. That sort of behavior drives ponies to not even ever dare to take risks."

"Sean, your counter-point?"

"Alan, it was more than clear through this entire incident that Fluttershy attempting to help the Breezies out only led them to become lazy and incompetent and eventually be incapable of doing anything except wanting to be 'nursed' by whoever was willing to be altruistic. Not only did it run the risk of keeping the Breezies from ever getting home, but it clearly showed how if you simply give and give to ponies without expecting them to do anything, they eventually become fully dependent upon others, which ruins them as ponies and makes their caregivers caught being 'perpetual mothers'."

"Al-"

"Sean, Sean...listen. No one is denying that it would have been a bad thing for the Breezies to stay with Fluttershy. The point I'm making is that Seabreeze was only ever cracking the whip and yelling at them whenever they fell short. He was basically trying to motivate them with a dog-eat-dog philosophy. And what happened when he ended up getting in trouble, Sean? He learned what it was like to be on the other end when Fluttershy had to come bail him out. Do you think it would have been better if Fluttershy flew up to him and yelled at him for being too stupid and weak to keep from getting in trouble and then left him with the bees? Of course not. He learned that it's not a bad thing to show a little empathy for those weaker than you. And that, ultimately, is what had to be validated here as we all know Fluttershy is the kindest pony in town and basically had her kindness called into question."

"Uh, Se-"

"You know, that's just typical for you liberal ponies. You think that unless you're coddling someone and giving them all this free stuff, you're not being 'kind' to them. Well that sort of 'kindness' is toxic, and it simply means one thing: you're being an enabler. You're sustaining a childish lifestyle. Alan, let me ask you a question. If my filly tries to touch a hot stove, am I being 'unkind' if I angrily snatch them away and tell them not to? Would you rather I let my filly burn his hoof and then I just hug them and kiss them and say, 'There, there...poor little guy.'? Since when is practicing 'tough love' not kind? It's perfectly kind in the right situation, it's just harder. It takes ponies with guts and, I'm sad to say, there aren't many modern ponies with those guts. Our culture is 'do whatever you like; let someone love you and kiss you and hug you when things go wrong'."

"I thin-"

"This is apples and oranges, Sean. I've already said I'm not focusing on them staying in Fluttershy's house. I'm focusing on the bigger picture. And the fact of the matter is not only did Seabreeze never encourage the Breezies with him, he pretty much decided to abandon them when he got fed up. Is that the mark of a true leader? Or more like a spoiled child? Did he ever explain to them that they needed to get home? That the world was too dangerous for them? No, he defaulted into an angry rant and rave, insulted them all, pretty much told them they were all too weak to begin with to get home, and then expected them to be eager to try again. I'm not talking 'coddling', Sean...I'm talking about dealing with ponies in a way that builds them up instead of tears them down. When you got into the debate team if you messed up, did your parents say to you, 'Oh Sean, you're terrible at this, you're so stupid, you couldn't win a debate if your life depended on it, now get out there and do it again?' Because if they did, I feel sorry for you and I'm amazed you ever got this far. The problem with you conservative ponies is you think that ponies can just 'bounce back' automatically from years, decades, perhaps even generations of being demeaned as a pony and when you don't see an instant turnaround you get mad."

"Don't give me that, Alan. Don't even start. I'm not letting you tie this into the plight of zebras in Equestria so you can start playing the 'species card'. Your problem is you want everyone to get a handout instead of ever feeing any pressure to change, which is why our economy is in the gutter."

"Our economy is in the gutter, Sean, because we've tried doing straight capitalism for years and all it's done is created an ever-widening gap between the rich and the poor."

"You know what? You're right. Our income gap is so bad compared to more socialist countries where pretty much it's 10 guys in government who own everything and everypony else starves. Why don't you tell the apple farmers in this town you want price caps on their produce? See how many of them like that?"

"Well, do you think they like it any better than having their jobs outsourced to ponies in Pacesia who make 1 bit a day? Maybe if your party would stop getting so obsessed over two mares or two stallions becoming each other's very special somepony and actually do something about that your point would have a bit more weight."

"Oh, now you're going to try and tie the Breezies into that, aren't you? Especially since you can't tell whose gender is what looking at them..."

"Well, seeing as you tried to use this as another excuse to get rid of Stable Security..."

"GUYS!"

Both ponies froze and turned to the audience. The rest of the crowd and the Mayor, a bit exasperated by now, did the same. Soon after, they saw a green stallion with a Find-the-Difference picture for a Cutie Mark, standing next to a blue stallion with an odd lump for his, having risen up and holding his hooves in the air.

"Listen! You're both wrong! The lesson wasn't about practicing tough love or being kind to people!"

Everypony stared back silently for a moment, waiting for him to explain. However, his friend was the one who did a moment later, holding up a bunch of "Breezie" toys in his hooves that looked suspiciously like a certain six ponies who lived in town.

"It was to sell toys like these!"

Welp…that was a controversial one.

I’ll say. Apparently people just don’t find pundits funny even in parody…

Luckily that’s all fixed now, Carl.

Oh?

Yeah. Now that Princess Twilight Sparkle is the unquestionably absolute monarch of Ponyville, all free speech has been rendered illegal. If you debate policies or royal degrees you go straight to the dungeons, so no more pundits.

…Uh…yay?

…That sounded more pathetic than Fluttershy.

Somepony to Watch Over Me

Somepony to Watch Over Me

When you choose a different addressing service besides Pacific Shells to get you the right addresses for your mail, you end up spending more than you expected.

A shot of a cowgirl pony ruefully shelling out more bits to a bill collector while her family looks on.

When you spend more than you expected, you can't make ends meet.

A shot of the cowgirl pony looking uncomfortable over stacks of bills and running an ancient adding machine as she writes figures.

When you can't make ends meet, you have to sell pies to those hillbilly ponies on the other side of the county.

A shot of the cowgirl pony and her older brother loading up carts.

When you sell pies to those hillbilly ponies on the other side of the county, you have to leave your little sister home alone.

A shot of a filly with a large red bow dancing around as a phonograph plays.

When you leave your little sister home alone, you get worried about her.

A shot of the cowgirl pony turning around and running home less than a quarter mile from the house.

When you get worried about her, you become overprotective.

A shot of a frowning filly as her older sister "filly-proofs" everything.

When you become overprotective, she sets out to prove herself.

A shot of the filly hitching herself to the pie wagon and beginning to take it out herself.

When she sets out to prove herself, she ends up in the Dread Fire Swamp.

A shot of the filly nervously trying not to be incinerated as she walks along.

When she ends up in the Dread Fire Swamp, a chimera tries to eat her.

A shot of the filly running in terror from the three-headed monster.

Don't let a chimera try to eat your little sister. Choose Pacific Shells.

"...Well?"

Carl raised an eyebrow as he looked over the ad for Sam's company. "I dunno...kind of sounds like fearmongering to me. Did she really end up doing all that because she didn't use your company for address redirection?"

"Beats me. I didn't write it." The blue stallion answered with a shrug. "They just told us to show this around instead of hiring focus groups and see what ponies think."

"Well...keep it away from that 'Hats and Bows' outlet two blocks down the street from 'Quills and Couches'." Carl answered as he passed the ad back. "They get 80 percent of their income from the Apple Family."

Sam grimaced. "Too late. One of the interns already did. Look."

The two looked up and out, and soon saw a small brigade of hatters and ribbon weavers charging down the street armed with fire-proof boots, lion-taming chairs, snake-charmer flutes, and ricotta cheese charging toward the swamp area of the county.

Carl stared a moment. "...You ever think they could have settled Ponyville somewhere with less monsters, Sam?"

"Yeah," Sam answered. "But the local government is so nice."

That one was just plain confusing, Sam.

Yeah…not a whole lot of people were familiar with the Confucius joke at the end…

The end? I’m talking about that ad at the beginning.

Oh. It’s a parody of a Direct TV ad.

…What’s Direct TV?

It’s local. You know…like Jack in the Box ads.

…What’s Jack in the Box?

…That’s also regional. Kind of like Carl’s Jr.

…What’s Carl’s Jr.?

…Um…who is John Galt?

Well why didn’t you say so to begin with!

Maud Pie

Maud Pie

Sam tapped his hoof against the ground and sighed. He looked up, past the cookie cafe he and Carl normally ate at, and to the clock tower in Ponyville. Carl was now fifteen minutes late. That was never a good sign.

As he looked back down...he froze. He saw Carl approaching a moment later, dressed in a yellow full-body covering with a respirator humming from a backpack and a goggled hood with lead-lined visors.

At once, Sam facepalmed.

Oh Luna...he's wearing a radiation suit...

A minute later, Carl managed to ease into the chair across from Sam. Not an easy feat considering the gear he was wearing. Sam watched him ineffectively try to shove a cookie through the tiny holes over his mouthpiece for a few moments, before he clapped his hooves on the table and leaned up.

"Alright, Carl...you know full well what I'm going to ask, so why not just explain it?"

"Just doing something everypony should be doing, Sam. And I'll be wearing this until the tests come back."

"...What 'tests'?"

"The tests from the Royal Equestrian Society of Geologists and Chemists, Sam. What else? I've got a sinking suspicion all of the rocks around this town are loaded with enriched Uranium."

The blue stallion groaned. "Carl..."

"Oh, you don't believe me? How else do you explain someone tossing a rock hard enough causing a nuclear explosion, Sam? Don't tell me you didn't see that mushroom cloud. I'm pretty sure everyone in Appleloosa saw it..."

"I don't know...maybe it was a magic rock or something..."

"...Sam, did you just say 'magic rock'? What is this, an M. Night Stallionmalan movie?"

"Oh, come off it, Carl! We're surrounded by magic! We have to clean up after it between bouts of friendship! Here..." He leaned over and picked up a newspaper from nearby and tossed it in front of him. "Why don't you try worrying about something somepony else is worried about for a change?"

The green stallion looked down to the paper. He stared a moment, before sighing and removing his headpiece, and then looked over it a bit more. He raised an eyebrow.

"Now that is weird."

"What is?"

"There's a new finding by psychologists they've nicknamed the 'Sixth Nonsense'. Check it..." He pointed a hoof to the paper and traced it. "It says that ponies have a strange psychological reaction in a situation where five friends are paired with one non-friend and they watch a pony who has a good relation with all six of them get into danger."

"Yeah? What happens?"

"Well, apparently the five will only be able to stand there and stare rather than try and help. The only one who will be able to do anything is the non-friend." He paused. "...That's weird, Sam. How did they come up with that? And what are the odds it would ever happen?"

Before Sam could answer, they both heard a loud sigh as something slumped into a chair nearby. They turned...and were just in time to see a familiar baby purple dragon slump on the table.

"...One hundred and ninety-four extra pounds of rock candy...that had real rocks in it...and not so much as a pebble for ol' Spike..." He moaned. "At least I get the next week off since Twilight's leaving town."

Both Sam and Carl looked to him at that. "Huh? Where's Princess Twilight off to?"

"Beats me." He answered with a shrug. "She just packed up and got on the first train out of town along with Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash as soon as I spat up this message."

He passed a small slip of paper over to the two stallions, who saw it was written on party stationary in crayon.

Guess what? My other two sisters visit this week!

It turned out that was a bad move. Her two other sisters weren’t as bad.

Oh? What were their special talents?

Rocks, but they weren’t as good at it as Maud.

…

…I said “as bad”.

For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils

For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils

"...I now pronounce you stallion and wife! You may kiss the bride!"

Sam turned and pulled back the veil over Dawn's head, revealing her shining, beaming face on the other side. He leaned in to give his first kiss as a lawfully married couple...only to be stopped on hearing a snickering. He blinked in confusion, and saw Dawn laughing at him. Not only her, but soon everyone in the audience and the minister began to laugh too. Even Carl on the side. He looked around for a moment in confusion, until looking down at himself...and saw he was in his underwear. Immediately, he paled and grimaced and moved to cover them up, turning red and cringing in terror at all of the mocking eyes and laughing voices...

Until a mare's voice spoke up nearby. "Sam, ponies don't wear underwear."

The stallion paused, and then blinked as he looked up at that. Immediately, all of the laughter ceased and the crowd and Dawn vanished in smoke along with his underwear. He turned and looked to see who spoke, and saw Princess Luna, yawning a bit and looking rather haggard. He exhaled.

"Phew...thanks, your highness. I'll admit, I'm getting a lot more sleep since you came back. Princess Celestia wasn't too good at the 'dream' part of the job. For four years I dreamed every night of an orange monster with purple polka dots trying to eat me. I finally wrote a letter about it and...well...I ended up spending the next four years dreaming of a purple monster with orange polka dots trying to-"

Luna held up a hoof. "Sam, Sam...that's all very fascinating but I'm on a bit of a schedule. I'm still trying to make up for 1,000 years of backlogged 'dream messages'."

Sam blinked. "...Huh?"

The princess answered by stamping a hoof, causing an eruption of starts to go out that melted away the entire outdoor wedding ceremony and sent him and Luna swirling through space for a few moments, before they materialized again on what looked like an older version of the grade school in Ponyville. Sam looked around in astonishment.

"What are we doing here?"

Luna tapped Sam and pointed forward. He looked, and soon saw a small blue stallion with no Cutie Mark standing up to a colt with so much muscle he already looked to be an adult, and he already had a cutie mark of a padlock. He seemed ready to grind the blue stallion into the dirt, and the smaller one was struggling to stand up to him while other fillies around them cheered them on. A green one in particular was cheering him on in between trying to open a box of cookies.

"Dang it, why do you need fingers to open these things when we all have hooves!" He complained.

Sam, however, focused on the blue stallion. "Wait a second...that's me! And that's Pat Lock!"

"You remember how you placed a nail in his gym horseshoes yesterday, Sam?" Luna explained. "This is your future. Tomorrow morning Pat Lock will try on his shoes and stab himself in the hoof as a result of your prank. Afterward, he'll challenge you to this fight and end up tearing two of your hamstrings. You'll be forced to abandon your dream of being an Equestrian Games 100-meter dasher and settle for spending the rest of your life working at Pacific Seashells as an operator, never getting paid what you're worth and having to take orders from uncaring bosses forever."

Sam froze, and slowly looked uneasy as he turned to her.

"Um...Luna, that...already happened over 20 years ago. I did get my hamstrings torn...and I had to become an operator at Pacific Seashells."

Luna blinked at that. She looked a bit closer at the vision, then to Sam. "What the... I thought you looked a little old for 7. Medamnit...what's the current year again?"

"...1004."

"Ugh...this is the last time I use decaf." Luna sighed before rapidly stomping her hoof again, causing the scene to change once again. A few moments later, it reformed in what looked like a smelly, sweaty, homemade-gym. In front of a full length mirror, a muscle-bound pony was screaming in front of a mirror, seeing that he had unusual fur growth and his, ahem, chest had "enlarged" in the wrong way.

"This is your future if you don't stop your anabolic steroid usage, Sam. You'll end up with irregular hair growth and a hormonal imbalance that will result in overdevelopment of the breasts and underdevelopment of your genetalia."

Sam, however, was grimacing. "...Are you sure this isn't a warning for Bulk Biceps?"

"...What? Blast it..."

Another hoof stomp. This time, it changed to a room lined with muffin-painted walls and floors, muffin bedsheets, muffin-shaped furniture, and a muffin lamp...not a lamp shaped like a muffin, a muffin actually made into a lamp. A gray mare was lying on the ground twitching.

"This will be you tomorrow morning if you don't take that curse that gypsy pony placed on you seriously. You have only 100 muffins left to eat before you die, and you're already down to your last two."

Sam blinked. "That's...Derpy..."

"Third time's the charm!" Luna answered before stamping her hoof again.

Again the world changed, revealing the inside of a mare's room where a cream-colored pony with blue and pink hair and a bon-bon cutie mark was unhappily leaning over a desk.

"Although you thought telling Bon Bon that it would be better if you didn't try to see each other anymore, she still has feelings for you in spite of being a mare. And if you break up with her now, she's going to be unhappy for the rest of her life, and you'll grow so depressed and bitter at the world that-"

"Hang on..." Sam interjected. "Are you saying Bon Bon is a lesbian? In that case, who is she-"

"Son of a...!" Luna cut off as she stamped her hoof yet again.

This time, they ended up in what looked like a trophy room filled with all manner of kills and a rifle over the fireplace.

"In spite of what that stallion did for Dawn, his friendship with the pony who constantly finds inconsistencies in things will annoy her so much that it drives her into alcoholism, and your first grandchild will be born with FAS as a result before she kills herself by drunk-pulling her wagon over a cliff. So it's better if you take back what you said about accepting him into-"

"Is that...Stonewall Charger over there?" Sam interjected, before his eyes widened. "Wait a second...what did you just say?!"

"ENOUGH!" Luna blasted in the Royal Canterlot voice, causing the vision to shatter and turn into a sky full of stars as Sam cringed in fear from her. Luna continued to breathe hard and fume for a moment, her eyes glowing white, before she glared at him.

"Look...what doest thou plan to do tomorrow morn?"

The blue stallion trembled for a moment, still shrinking back. "Uh...er...I'm going to work...uh...doing some raking...heading out to Sugarcube Corner for cookies with Carl...getting some milk from the store..."

"Very well then! If thou doest not acquire a gallon of milk that is marked later than the 21st, it shall expire prior to thou being able to consume it all!" She blasted. "Now have we improved thy lot in life?!"

Sam whined and covered his head with his hooves. "Yes, yes! I learned a valuable lesson! My life has turned out completely different!"

"Then our work is done! AWAKEN!"

Sam snapped his head up as he sat upright in bed, covered in sweat and panting hard. He blinked a moment, and then looked around him. However, he was back in his room. His window was open and the sun was coming in, along with the sounds of birds, but everything was fine.

He exhaled after a moment and relaxed. "...Wow...what a nightmare." He groaned. "Luna really needs to get some sleep. She's getting too frazzled. If she messed up that much on me, I wonder how everypony else is doing?"

"Sam! Sam!"

The blue stallion looked in the window, just in time to see a panicked-looking Carl run up to it.

"Sam, you've got to help me! Darth Vader came down from Planet Vulcan last night and said if I didn't ask Lorraine out to Enchantment Under the Sea dance, he's going to melt my brain!"

So, pretty much, nopony slept that week.

That wasn’t the half of it, Sam. The next night, I had this great dream where I saw a device called the Flux Capacitor which would have made time travel possible for earth ponies and pegasi if I built it…and would have made me incredibly rich. But it turned out I was having somepony else’s dream and Luna reclaimed it…

Ugh. What dream did you get instead?

Sigh…taking a math test I didn’t study for in my underwear…

Leap of Faith

Leap of Faith

Sam was more annoyed than usual.

On this week's cookie outing, Carl had somehow managed to scare up a lab coat, a scientific notepad, and even one of those "fountain quills" that he was using to make notes with. If that wasn't enough, a tape recorder was playing nearby, seeming to be dictating everything for posterity. He wasn't sure what all of this was for, but it could only mean one thing...the green stallion was testing another one of his insane conspiracy theories.

"...Is all of this really necessary, Carl?"

"Don't talk, Sam. You're ruining the tape. Ok...ready to begin." He cleared his throat. "Clinical Trial 198, Incarlsistency reporting. About to administer the test of the theoretical control coding right now to subject: Listens-to-Carl's-Problems, Sam."

"...Carl what are you-"

"Shh! Beginning test now!"
After saying this, he turned and looked to the blue stallion calmly.

"Sam, can I have a bit?"

Sam furrowed his brow. "...Excuse me?"

"Sam, can you give me a bit?"

"...No, I can't give you a bit. You still owe me 190 for all those pies I had to buy you back in Manehattan."

"Sam, will you please give me a bit?"

"You're not getting any more money out of me, Carl! Is this some sort of stupid test to see if you can force me to lend you money? It's not working!"

Suddenly, Carl broke into a jingle from a candy commercial, only with the words replaced.

"Give me a bit!

Give me a bit!

Won't you please give me a...

BIT RIGHT NOW!"

Sam fished into his pocket, and a moment later put a bit on the table in front of Carl.

"There you go."

Carl grinned as he took it and checked his notebook. "Test successful. I can already smell the 'Neigh-bel Prize' in Psychology..."

Sam blinked a few times, then formed a look of shock. "Wait...what the... The hell?! Carl, how'd you get me to give you more money?"

"It was easy, Sam. I exploited your brainwashing."

"You WHAT?!"

"Relax...it's not like I'm the one who brainwashed you, Sam. Someone else did you along with me and everypony else. Essentially I can get you to do anything I want so long as I sing it to you. I got the idea when I realized everyone was flocking back to those two jackasses in spite of being cheated once by them already. On that note..."

He leaned over and seized a bottle from Sam's side. "I see you've been knocking back the Mint Apple Snake Oil yourself."

Sam blinked a few times, but then groaned and slumped as he realized he had been tricked. "...I guess that explains why I got suckered in on them again. But wait a sec...how come you didn't get brainwashed by them with their latest catchy tune?"

"Easy, Sam. I told you I've had 'Let It Go' stuck in my head for four months. That's why I had to record this. I can't hold onto a pen long enough to actually finish writing a sentence."

Sam leaned up. "Wait a second...are you saying we're all brainwashed to do whatever anyone wants when they sing it? If that's the case...who did it?"

"Well, naturally, the princesses are the most likely suspects, but I noticed that Celestia is tone deaf and Luna can't carry a tune. The next likely guy is...well...you-know-who...but he can only talk-sing. There's a few other suspects, but in the end I concluded there's no actual wicked intent behind it. It's likely it's just the part of our DNA that allows us to join together naturally for musical numbers. Still, I suspect there's at least somepony out there who knows enough about this to exploit it for evil. I got the idea when I thought hard enough about last summer's big radio hit."

"You mean... 'Would You Kindly Go to Andrew Ryan's Office and Kill the Son of a Bitch' by Atlas Shrugged?"

"I always thought that was a weird song title...even for a country song. Anyway...thanks for helping me out with this test, Sam. I'll see you later!"

Carl got up to leave, but soon Sam stopped him by shooting out a hoof and grasping him on the shoulder.

"Waitaminute... You're not going anywhere yet, Carl. I know how your obsessive-compulsive mind works." He looked down into his lab coat, seeing a paper protruding from his pocket. "...What's that you've got there?"

The green stallion paled. "Er...nothing."

"Nothing, eh?" He reached down, seized it, and brought it in front of him.

"Just...a song I wrote called 'Indifferent Saturday'..." Carl said meekly. "It's nothing... Here, give it back..."

Sam held him at arm's length and looked over it. After a moment, he frowned and glared at his friend.

"...Carl, this has to be one of the more depraved things I've ever seen you do before. One verse is nothing more than telling your sister to move out. The next verse is telling me to offer to pay for the cookies on all of our outings. And the third verse is just plain telling your co-workers to punch themselves in the faces again and again...followed by a two page refrain that is nothing more than 'and again' over and over! On that note...I'd like my bit back before I sing a song about you getting your sack stuck in an apple press."

"Ok, ok! Here!" Carl yelped before quickly handing over the bit. "You can't blame a guy for trying, though!"

Sam crumpled up the song sheet and threw it into the garbage. "You're just lucky no one else got ideas like yours and tried to exploit us. Now hurry up and get changed out of that stuff so we can go to town hall and do our weekly song about how much the monetary elite in Canterlot are our natural and genetic superiors."

So…ever get that ‘Neigh-bell Prize’?

Sigh…no. Apparently I administered the ‘antidote’ unwillingly. Remember how I told you I’ve had “Let It Go” stuck in my head for four months after I gave you the test?

Yeah.

…What are those lyrics again, Sam?

Sigh… “The snow glows white on the mount tonight, not a footprint to be seen; a kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the queen; the wind is howling like the swirling storm inside, couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried; don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl-”

That’s enough. Bottom line…it got stuck in your head too right after I told you that, didn’t it?

…It did, actually.

It’s stuck in everypony’s head now. They’ll have to brainwash us again just to get it out.

Testing, Testing, 1 2 3

Testing, Testing, 1 2 3

Carl frowned as he looked outside the window of Sugarcube Corner, seeing it pouring rain, ruining any chance of having his "cookie date" with Sam outside. Sighing, he looked back to his blue-colored friend. "I thought we were supposed to have a thunderstorm yesterday?"

Sam shrugged. "The pegasi are a little behind since Rainbow Dash isn't in today with that test and all."

"Well, the second it clears up, we're heading outside. I've got something important today and it needs to happen..." He looked to the time. "Promptly in three minutes. Anyway, is that why she's off in Cloudsdale today? Taking a test?"

"Dude...don't you remember what we were doing yesterday?"

Carl paused. "...Now that you mention it, I'm kind of wondering what we were up to..."

"So...Rainbow...what have you been up to?"

"Sigh...just giving up on my dreams..."

"What the...?! You've got to be kidding me! How stupid is she that she doesn't know about Nightmare Moon?! For the love of Celestia, you're the one who helped stop her you moron!"

"Carl, keep quiet and help me finish mowing this lawn to look like Butcher O'Hare!"

"Maybe I'll just settle for being a shoe shiner or something..."

"Or you could keep being a weatherpony like you are already, you f***ing rainbow-headed idi-"

"Carl, shut up!"

"...Oh yeah. I wondered why were doing that. Uh...what was the test for, again?"

"Wonderbolts Reserve."

Carl's hooves dropped to the table and he gave Sam a flat look. Sam was just about to bite into a cookie, saw the look, and groaned as he put it down and rolled his eyes. "Oh Luna...here we go..."

"...The Wonderbolts Reserve? The Wonderbolts Reserve?! Give me a break, Sam! Exactly how many 'channels' are there before you get to be a full Wonderbolt?!"

"Well, if she passes this test, she then has to ace three separate flying regionals: the Southwestern, Northwestern, and Eastern Pacific. That earns her the right to go to the Advanced Placement Wonderbolt Academy, where she'll have to complete three weeks of basic before she can apply for the Regional Qualifications 64 Member Bracket, and then complete successfully against all of them and place first in nine different categories before she can move on to the Region Sectionals. After that, she competes in the Southern and Central Divisions which will allow her to go to Advanced Placement Wonderbolt Academy II, and then she'll have to come up with eight different routines to be displayed at four different presentation trials. After that, she gets thrown into advanced basic training, but after that she gets it."

"She gets to be a full Wonderbolt?"

"No, she gets to be a Journeyman Apprentice Rookie Wonderbolt Reserve. She has to do twice as much to become Master Apprentice Rookie Wonderbolt Reserve."

"What the f***, Sam?! The Canterlot CIA doesn't require that many hoops to jump through to get in! Heck, she could become a goddess just by 'personifying friendship'! Not to mention the fact she already proved she's better than all current Wonderbolts a few months ago, and saved their lives before that! Doesn't it seem almost like some cosmic force of fate is putting one hurdle after another in front of her to ensure she never becomes a Wonderbolt and leaves Ponyville?"

The two friends stared at each other for a moment blankly. In unison, they both slowly turned and looked out of the Fourth Wall, and then slowly turned back to one another. Abruptly, it stopped raining, and Carl shook his head.

"Look at that! It stopped raining! Get the stuff and move outside."

Sam paused a moment longer, then sighed and began to do so. Once they had their things and began to walk to the outdoor tables, Carl looking into the sky as they did so, he spoke a bit more.

"I just hope she took my advice and didn't start taking her medicine already..."

Sam blinked in surprise and looked to him. "...Huh?"

"Well, it kind of makes sense after yesterday, Sam. After that test she said she was going to see the local psychiatrist and get an official diagnosis of ADD. Considering the fact she can only learn 'background stuff' like we were using yesterday, I guess it fits."

"Wait a second...I thought Pinkie Pie was the one with ADD?"

"ADHD, Carl. There's a difference." He looked to the clock tower, then quickly went to a table and sat down. "Ok, this will have to do. Hopefully she's out of that appointment by now."

Sam was a bit puzzled at this, but set the cookies down and sat. Carl did the same. However, before his friend could eat a cookie, he saw the green stallion pull out a deck of playing cards and start randomly taking them out and throwing them on the table in piles...some face up, some face down, but continuously and randomly doing it. The blue stallion raised an eyebrow at this, especially when Carl kept looking into the sky, but he kept going.

"I...suppose I shouldn't be too shocked. I mean, she did flunk out of flying school, right?"

"Uh-huh..."

"And contrary to stigma..." He looked to Carl again. "Um...medicine isn't..."

"Uh-huh..."

"Always a...bad..."

"Uh-huh..."

Sam trailed off and stared.

"Uh-huh..." Carl said again.

"...Carl, what are you doing?"

Finally, Carl only had five cards left in his hand. He quickly took them up and held them. A moment later, a blue, rainbow-maned pegasus dropped from the sky with a sigh; a bit of Ritalin poking out of her saddlebags.

"Ok, I rushed all the way out here after my appointment just like you said and did five laps around Sugarcube Corner promptly at 2 PM. Why did you want me to do all that?"

"What cards do I have in my hoof?"

Rainbow Dash sighed. "One king, a six, a five, and two nines."

Immediately, Carl sprung over, seized her Ritalin, and flung it behind him as fast as he could.

"Lose that sh't...we're headed to Las Pegasus."

…In retrospect, I think she just was goofing off too much to learn. Anyway…how did your Las Pegasus trip go?

About that…yeah…heh… They found out we were counting cards. By the time they got to me, they said I could either leave the money behind or or they’d take a garden shears to my hamstring. I had to pick one. So…I left the money.

Wait…did you say “by the time they got to me”? …Good Celestia, Carl, what did they do to Rainbow Dash?!

…Who is John Galt?

CARL!!

Hey! She’s the one who had friends who know medicinal reconstructive magic! Better her than me!

Trade Ya'

Trade Ya’

As the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange came to a close for the day, some were packing up and others were running around trying to get a few last minute deals in. One of them was a certain green-colored pony, facing an optometrist pony at one stall.

"Well, you brought me that Eyeball Frog...so here you go! The world's finest eyedrops!"

Carl grinned as he took them. "Yes! Two more trades and that claymore is mine!" He quickly snapped away and jumped onto the back of a chestnut-colored mare, pointing a hoof forward.

"Fly, Epona!"

The mare, in turn, looked at him and frowned for a moment, before violently bucking him. "Get off me, you pervert!"

The green-colored stallion soon crashed back into the ground before the chestnut pony ran off. He blinked a few times, getting his bearings back, and as he did a certain blue-colored pony walked up to him. On seeing his state, he quickly rushed over and helped him up.

"Carl, what happened?"

"Ugh...no time to talk now, Sam... I got to hurry and finish this up while I still..."

As he stood, he blinked and looked around.

"...Say, what happened to the mountain-sized pony who was trading here?"

"He left, Carl. Along with half of the other people. The princess just ended Traders Exchange."

Carl's jaw smacked into the ground. "Are you kidding me?! It can't end now!"

Sam shrugged. "Sorry, dude. She proceeded over one trading dispute...personally I think the fact it involved pony trafficking would have nullified it...and then she declared it over. Last I saw her Spike was screaming something about 'having to reorder all the books he spent all morning deciding to trade' and 'you mean you aren't even going to reread them'..."

The green stallion swore and kicked a rock. "Damnit! All I ended up getting for that chicken's egg was eyedrops that'll expire in..." He paused to look at the time. "...three minutes and eleven seconds! I don't think I'm going to get an eye infection in that time, Sam..."

The blue stallion grimaced. "I'm sorry, man." He paused a second, then gave a smile and a shrug as he reached behind him and pulled out a claymore. "Say...want this cheap-ass Giant's Knife I traded for earlier?"

"Those things are only replicas, dude."

"Come on. That way we can make like the princess and the girls and learn a little something about friendship while getting a not great but good substitute, just like they did."

Carl snorted. "Yeah right, Sam. I know full well what happened." Rolling his eyes, he held up his hooves and made some gestures. "As soon as everypony saw the magic of their friendship, they went ahead and let them have the trades they already wanted, and everyone lived happily ever after with the best possible outcome."

Sam blinked. "...Actually no, Carl."

The blue stallion snorted again. "Come on, Sam..."

"I'm serious. Applejack got a vintage non-pie-tin, Rarity got a broach of no significance past its friendship value, Rainbow just got a paperback version of the book she wanted...even Fluttershy lost her bird whistle and had to take an orthos home."

Carl went oddly still.

"You mean...they didn't get everything they wanted."

"No."

Carl started to look fearful.

"They...didn't get to 'have it all' at the end."

"Nope."

Carl was quivering all over at this point. Immediately, he held his head high.

"Everypony, run away! Run and don't look back! It's almost too late!"

Sam blinked in confusion. "Carl, what are you..."

He was cut off a moment later and his face turned to terror as suddenly the sky began to tremble and lightning crackled behind them. A moment later, a time-space ripping sound went out as a black orb singularity appeared behind them, and immediately everypony in the area, the tents, the landscape, and everything else began to be sucked into the equivalent of a black hole which rapidly began to grow larger. Ponies screamed in terror. Those far enough away ran, but the majorty began to be sucked into the hole. Some instantly went inside, while as for others, including Sam and Carl, they quickly seized the nearest thing they could, tent ropes in this case, and hung on for dear life as they were drawn into the singularity. Chaos broke out everywhere.

"What the?! What the hell?!" Sam shouted over the sound of cosmic ripping.

"No!" Carl screamed. "What have all of you fools done?!"

"Carl, what are you rambling about?!"

"You idiots! You didn't let the girls 'have it all' after a conflict where they had to make a hard decision! When Twilight tried to find who to give her second ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala to, Celestia sent her enough so all of her friends plus Spike could go! When Rainbow had to decide between her dream of being a Wonderbolt or staying true to her principles, the Wonderbolts completely reconsidered their position and both punished her rival and made her wing leader! When Rarity made things up to her friends by agreeing to stay away from Ponyville long enough to make costumes for that show group in Manehattan, that other aspiring designer pony just happened to drop in to take the job! Those six can't ever be allowed to face disappointment! They can't ever get less than everything! By doing so, you've all ripped a hole in the fabric of our universe and threatened to destroy reality as we know it!"

"What?!"

"Everypony hurry! Get a first-edition copy of Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Statue to Rainbow Dash, a gold broach with three green stones in the center to Rarity, a rusted-ass pie tin to Applejack, and somepony find that bear whistle before it crosses the event horizon! Hell, find that Power Ponies comic just to be on the safe side too and give it back to Spike!"

However, the other ponies who could still move were already way ahead of everything and running around. One, however, ran up and stopped.

"I looked everywhere for a mint condition Power Ponies comic at that tent where all of the comics were, but all I could find was a comic where the Mane-iac kills a superhero with the face of a comic-book nerd in the first four pages!"

So how did we get out of that one?

No idea. The last thing I remember seeing is that brown-colored stallion with an hourglass for a Cutie Mark getting into what looked like a blue phone booth or something…and suddenly everything got fixed.

Huh.

Equestria Games

Equestria Games

For once, Sam and Carl weren't at their usual cookie-eating spot that morning. Instead, they were at the local boutique, getting fitted by a certain lavender-haired unicorn in glasses. Sam was currently on the podium, while Carl was sitting in a chair nearby with a frown on his face.

"You really want to have the wedding next weekend?"

"Of course. We've had it planned for months. Why?"

"Sam, we're due for a disaster in Ponyville..."

"Oh, you're just being superstitious."

"...No Sam. We really are due for a disaster in Ponyville. It's been nearly twenty-six weeks and everything. By the way..." He looked to the unicorn. "Hope you've got something planned with your friends because you'll probably all need to be together..."

Sam merely rolled his eyes. "Stop distracting Rarity with your craziness, Carl."

The green-colored stallion frowned and picked up a nearby newspaper, cracking it open and looking over the headlines. "Hmm...so Ponyville won the medal count at the Equestria Games?"

The blue-colored stallion smiled. "You bet. We won 38 medals to Cloudsdale's 37. We've taken the title."

Carl kept frowning as he read the by-line. "...Um, we won one silver and 37 bronze medals. Cloudsdale won 37 gold."

Sam paused on hearing that. "...Yes, but we still won more medals. And if we got third place in so many events, it means we've got good athletes, right?"

"Sam, there's, like, six places that even compete in those games, and Canterlot always comes in last because all they have is unicorns. So really, we're only the median score out of a sample size of five-"

"Carl, stop raining on everyone's parade! You're too negative!"

The green stallion sighed and looked back to the newspaper. He raised a brow soon after. "Hmm... 'Juvenile Dragon Hero Saves the Crystal Empire a Second Time.'?"

Rarity looked up. "Oh yes! That's my little Spikey-Wikey for you." She said with a smile.

Carl read a bit more. "'Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire was quoted saying: "'Spike is truly an inspiration to us all.'" A representative for the Dragon Race also commented on the incident, saying: "'Thieves! Fire! Murder!'" to the reporter who went to interview him at his treasure hoard right before incinerating him.'" He looked up. "So...what did he do this time? Save the heart again?"

"Oh no." Rarity answered. "He melted a cloud that had accidentally been turned to a block of ice by a stray ice arrow."
Carl blinked.

"An ice cloud." He echoed. "Was...this cloud so massive it could have crushed the entire Crystal Empire?"

"Oh ho...of course not." The unicorn laughed airily.

"Was...this cloud going to cause property damage if it landed?"

"Oh, heavens no. It was over the middle of the field."

"...Was this cloud going to crush anyone beneath it?"

"It might have, but the pegasi in the audience quickly got under it and lowered it slowly enough for everyone to get out of the way."

"...So...the cloud wasn't going to hurt or injure anyone, wasn't going to wreck anything, was too small to damage any part of the Crystal Empire, yet Spike somehow 'saved the Crystal Empire again' by getting rid of it?"

A long pause.

"...That doesn't make sense!"

Rarity looked annoyed on hearing this. Sam, on his part, rolled his eyes and looked to him. "Carl..."

"Hey Sam! Why don't I go erect a floral arbor outside and get the key to the city? Or pick up some litter and get the Medal of Honor?"

The blue stallion frowned. "Carl!" He snapped. "The important thing is the lesson that he learned from it! About how it doesn't matter if people see you as a huge success or a failure! It's how you end up seeing yourself that matters!"

Carl looked more confused than ever.

"...That doesn't make any sense either, Sam! Are you saying that I work a dead-end quality control job and live in a crappy apartment with my sister and nephews, but so long as I think of myself as a major celebrity who's loved by Equestria, I am a major celebrity loved by Equestria?"

"What? No! I'm saying...uh...er..." Carl tried to think for a moment. After a long pause, he turned to the unicorn. "...Help me out here?"

Before Rarity could respond, a shout suddenly came from outside.

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"

Hearing this, Carl looked to the door. He soon rose from his chair, moved over, opened it up, and saw a fresh extra edition of the local newspaper on the ground. He picked it up, carried it inside, and opened it up again. He soon grimaced.

"Well...bad news, everypony. Ponyville is now officially tied with Cloudsdale in medal count. Our silver medal got disqualified."

Both Rarity and Sam looked shocked.

"What?!"

"How?!"

"It was the competitor Bulk Biceps." Carl answered. "He tested positive for-"

Sam cut him off with a sigh. "Let me guess...anabolic steroids?"

"Nope. XX Male Syndrome." The green stallion answered. "Ironic, eh?"

Alright! So for our last one…

“Now jus’ wait one cotton-pickin’ minute, here!”

Huh? Uh-oh…

Oh boy…we’re in trouble…

“Y’all featured Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Princess Luna, mah sister and her friends, Princess Cadance, and even Derpy this year! Even Granny showed up once! What about me? Ya’ got somethin’ against country girls?”

No, no! It’s not that at all!

It’s just…well…er…

You haven’t really done anything ‘crazy’ in four years, Applejack.

Yeah. The nuttiest you ever were was when you misheard the ingredients that Pinkie Pie was giving you, and that was way back when Twilight Sparkle first moved to Ponyville.

All you ever do the rest of the time is kick asses.

“Well, if that’s what ah’ got ta’ do ta’ get noticed…ah see ah pair of horse’s asses that could use ah good tannin’ right here…”

…

…I hate you, Carl.

Cut to the last quickie! Quick!

Twilight's Kingdom

Twilight’s Kingdom

The wedding reception wasn't exactly as "happy-looking" as one would think. The decorations that hadn't been ruined or transformed were in tatters. Most of the guests...in fact, pretty much all of them...were still looking rather messed up, haggard, and a bit distraught. The reception looked hastily rebuilt, and half of the entertainment still hadn't shown up, as well as the photographers. As a result, the wedding party up front seemed a bit "shell-shocked".

Among them were the stallion and mare of the hour, both of whom had hastily readjusted their own clothing and were trying their best to smile and forget what had delayed the entire ceremony for about six hours...and the best stallion nearby who was looking rather composed. They were only slowly eating the now-cold dinner that had been prepared.

As the groom, a certain blue-colored stallion, slowly picked at his food, and a certain green one sat nearby waiting on the dessert cookies, no one said anything for a bit. Finally, the groom exhaled.

"A Canterlot wedding... Once in a lifetime event... The one favor that Princess Celestia owed us..."

He paused, and exhaled.

"...On the one day some demon crossed with a centaur comes into town, sucking out pony essence." He paused, then suddenly quivered in a bit of anger as his voice rose.

"I've never even grown a crop in my entire life!!"

Dawn, the bride, quickly leaned over and tried to calm Sam down. As for Carl, he could only give a shrug.

"...I don't want to say I told you so about being overdue for a disaster, Sam..."

"You said overdue for a disaster in Ponyville!"

"Well, you should have known weddings and Canterlot don't mix! Besides, at least we aren't those poor bastards who went to the Saturday morning story reading at the Golden Oak Library! They're still trying to find pieces of half of the fillies alone..."

"Carl, shut up about the remains of kids at my wedding reception. And how come you don't look as bad as the rest of us? Didn't that thing try to siphon your energy out of you too?"

"...Yeah, but when he started uncontrolably asking questions about how ponies put on ties in Canterlot and how Prince Blueblood is related to Princess Celestia and Luna, he said I could have it."

"Lucky bastard..."

"Are you kidding?! Do you want to know how he gave it back? It wasn't a rainbow shockwave, I'll tell you that. More like he bent over and-"

"Shut up... Carl, just...shut up...and let's enjoy what's left of my reception."

The green stallion went quiet after that. Time passed a bit longer. The two finished their dinner, and out came the cookies. Again, ponies tried to look more upbeat. After all, the day was saved. And once the musicians were rounded up, hopefully they could finally get the first dance out of the way and the party really going. As the plate came down, both friends grabbed a cookie and started to eat. Both were still quiet as they finished their first. Sam, wanting more sugar today, quickly grabbed another one. Carl did too, but didn't start to eat it right away. A moment passed. He paused, and finaly looked up to his friend.

"...That was totally the Cell Saga, by the way."

Sam groaned and slammed his cookie down. He began to rub the bridge of his nose with a hoof. "...It wasn't the Cell Saga."

"A villain has been hiding in the shadows for a long time going around absorbing ponies in order to get strong enough to take over the world..."

"Carl..."

"He's driven to absorb the power of the strongest individuals in Equestria to make his power 'complete'..."

"Carl, I don't want to hear it..."

"He changes form with the more power he absorbs..."

"Just because..."

"Ultimately he challenges the hero of the world to a fight for supremacy and they blow up the landscape knocking each other into the ground and mountains..."

"It's similar, I'll admit that, but..."

"He threatens to kill the hero's friends and ultimately that leads to his downfall..."

"Carl, for my wedding present, could you just-"

"She almost loses because she intervenes to save a former villain who says he's 'sorry' for the first time in his life."

"..."

"Princess Twilight Sparkle went Super Pony-Jin along with her friends, Sam."

"Look...Just because an alicorn princess and her friends unlock a source of new power doesn't mean-"

"Sam...a guy who is a big, daring hunk tried to take out the villain only to get smacked down with one hit."

Sam went silent. Carl stared at him in response, not saying any more. Time slowly passed.

Finally, Sam sighed and thunked his head on the table. "...That was the Cell Saga."

Carl gave a shrug. "Well...I guess it doesn't really matter. At least everyone has their power back now, the infernal symbol is back in Tartarus or Hell or whatnot, and when we get back to Ponyville we'll be officially in the feudal system...which...I guess is alright... I wonder where that castle sprung up?"

Many miles away in Ponyville...the remains of Carl's apartment continued to burn as firefighter ponies in vain tried to put it out...the end result of sunlight being focused from the massive crystaline sparkle at the top of Princess Twilight Sparkle's new castle like an oversized magnifying glass. Meanwhile, far below, in the actual main throne room of the castle, a certain six ponies, a baby dragon, and a dracoequis were heard singing a song...

"We're knights of the round spark-le,"

"In an order mat-ri-arch-al,"

"We do routines and chorus scenes with hoofwork that is art-ful,"

"It's a busy life in Ponyville..."

Then a deep bass:

"I have to pay the phone-y bill."

Farther away, on the outskirts of town, a gang of armored Equestrian knights turned away from the shadow of the castle and began head back to the country.

"On second thought, let's not go to Ponyville. It is a silly place..."

And there you have it! Season Four in a nutshell!

I can’t believe it took us six months to do all of this… Feel up for Season Five, Carl?

Maybe if the author develops a sense of humor, Sam… Let’s just hope next season’s quickies aren’t a bunch of jumps over sharks…

After that season finale, Carl? It’s going to have to be that or we get a homosexual pony in town…

And you at home thought Derpy was controversial!

Goodnight, everypony!

Princess Twilight Sparkle

Hey there, everypony.

At least, the ten or so of you who actually pay attention to us…

This is Sam.

And I’m Carl.

Well, another year is over in Ponyville.

And, once again, we’ve survived imminent destruction and live to eat cookies another day.

It’s been a long year, and we’ve had some pretty crazy times right alongside our heroes. For those of you who have been keeping up, every week we’ve put out a “quickie” showing what our weeks have been like in the aftermath of everything going on.

Now that all is said and done, we thought we’d put them all together to give you an overview of this wild-and-crazy year of ours. After all, background ponies have to put up with a lot that certain alicorn princesses and their BFFs don’t think about…

So, without further ado…we present to you our recap of the fourth year since Twilight Sparkle moved to Ponyville!

Or, for those of you at home, Season Four! …Yes, we’re aware that we’re fanfic creations for a TV show.

Princess Twilight Sparkle

As the last of the horrible, voracious black roots vanished in a cloud of prismatic light, the door to Ponyville's donut shop slowly opened up. A moment later, a blue stallion moved out, looking around uncertainly. After that, he looked back inside and motioned. Soon after, a green one followed.

"...Is it over?"

"Looks like it...only the sun's up now."

"...That's funny."

A groan. "...What is, Carl?"

"Those vines were clearly constricting everything...and yet nowhere in town is damaged..."

"Ugh..."

"Ever notice how every threat that comes to Ponyville is 'self-cleaning'? No wonder all the construction crews are getting laid off..."

"At any rate, you got your answer about what happens if we stop taking care of nature..."

"Urk...good point. Sam?"

"Yeah, Carl?"

"Did Ponyville always get threats to it every couple months?"

"I don't think so..."

"Maybe we're living in the apocalypse..."

"Ugh, Carl, don't start. Just because we seem to be seeing a rash of threats to our lives lately doesn't mean that-"

Suddenly, a town crier pony ran up and interrupted him. "Hey, didn't you guys hear? Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends saved us all again!"

Carl gave him a look. "No...really?" He answered sarcastically. "You don't say! I thought it was Mare Do Well for a change..."

"Uh...Carl? They were her too."

"...We really need a police force in this town, Sam..."

"Anyway..." Sam answered. "How'd they do it? Zap the bad guy with the Elements of Harmony again?"

"Actually, they gave those up."

"WHAT?!"

As the two ponies stood dumbfounded...Discord suddenly fluttered by behind the town crier. He looked to both of them maliciously, grinned, and then pointed two of his claws to his eyes and then at them...indicating: "I'm watching you". As he left, the town crier went away as well. The two stared blankly for a moment.

"Dark Goddesses..."

"Evil Unicorn Kings..."

"Demons of Chaos..."

"Teenage Pony-Turned-Human Succubi..."

They stared a moment longer...and then finally exhaled and looked to one another.

"...Sam?"

"Yeah Carl?"

"If you'll assemble the signs for us to carry, I'll paint: 'The End is Near' on them."

"Deal."

Hey, check it out! We actually called that face-turn-heel!

Score! I should have bet something…

Rainbow Falls

Rainbow Falls

Carl gave Sam a rather sour look as they sat outdoors for one of their regular "cookie-outings".

"This is ridiculous, Sam. You're completely wasting your time."

"Think positive, Carl." Sam answered as he flipped through a rather thick flier. "They're having all sorts of events at the upcoming Equestria Games. After that little trip through Manehattan, we've got to be good at something athletic."

"We haven't so much as played kickball since Freshman P.E., Sam. Why are you suddenly on this health kick?"

The blue stallion paused, and then sighed. "...Alright, if you have to know, cutbacks at work mean we all have to pay our own health insurance now without dental. If we even qualify for something at this thing, we get free maximum coverage courtesy of the Equestrian Games Association for the next four years."

The green stallion hesitated, but then shrugged. "Alright...why not? I mean, the guy with the genetic disorder that causes overproduction of muscle mass while atrifuting his wings made the relay team. Why not us? What have we got?"

"Most of these things are pretty 'intensive'..."

"How about table tennis?"

"Oh...no way. We'd be the only non-Pacesians trying to qualify, and they do that whole 'quillholder' technique. How about equestrian dressage?"

"Sam, you remember me back in senior prom. I'm from the north side of Ponyville. I don't have any rhythm. Say...we were alright at hoofball. We could hook up with that team and let the real athletes do all the work while we're in reserve..."

"Dude...no, look here. When they say 'hoofball' they mean non-Equestrian hoofball. You know...soccer? I don't think I can run for 45 minutes... Look here...water polo. That's easy, right?"

"...You've never seen a horse in deep water before, have you, Sam? You think we can paddle very long with hooves?"

Sam frowned. "Good point." He sighed as he looked through the rest of the flier. "No...no...no...nope...uh-uh...not a chance...way too overweight for that...way too underweight for that..."

"Let's face it, Sam." Carl finally interjected. "The only thing we're good for at the Equestria Games is serving fermented cider or scalping tickets." He paused. "...On that note, how much 'liquid' money do you have on you at the moment?"

Suddenly, the blue stallion's eyes widened. "Wait, right here! We could do this!" He tapped his hoof against the flier, getting Carl to lean over and check it as well. "This is the best job in the entire Equestrian Games! All we have to do is essentially be cheerleaders and do some elementary-school gymnastics stuff! We can even practice it right here in town!"

Carl blinked. "...Really? Let me see..." He looked it over for a moment. "...The 'Welcome Back' Committee?" He turned his head to Sam. "Who exactly are we 'welcoming back'?"

Sam leaned over and whispered in Carl's ear...causing the green stallion's eyes to nearly bulge.

"Seriously?! I thought she was gone forever!"

Later that evening, Sam and Carl attended their first practice session for the Welcome Back Committee with the guest of honor herself, raising a certain walleyed pegasus with bubbles for a Cutie Mark on their shoulders and giving three loud cheers.

That was terrific!

Yeah, it was!

It was so good…I’m going to bring Derpy in to do the commentary with us!

Good idea! Hey, Derpy! Come on down! Tell everyone what you thought about that week!

…

…Still doesn’t have a voice, does she, Sam?

Maybe when the world has no more lawyers, Carl.

Inspiration Manifestation

Inspiration Manifestation

"Come on, just answer the question."

"But...but..."

"It's a simple answer. We can't fix this unless you answer it."

"But...I...I..."

Princess Twilight Sparkle sighed. "Look...think really hard...and then tell me...are you actually Octavia or are you a pony mariachi who was simply gender-bent and recolored to look like Octavia?"

The mare with a gray coat and her hair brushed and tied back merely gave a helpless shrug. "I...I honestly don't know..."

Twilight facehooved. This mare was really holding up the line in the square of other ponies waiting to get transformed back. Meanwhile, everypony else in town was going about "redecorating" and removing the many changes that had been made. Among them, there was a team of ponies grunting and straining, Sam among them, as they were using whatever heavy tools and shovels they could to break up the gold-plated streets so it could all be placed into a pile and destroyed before the economy of Equestria was completely ruined. He pried up one fragment, tossed it into a waiting wheelbarrow, pried up a second fragment, tossed it into a waiting wheelbarrow, pried up a third fragment...looked around...whistled as it went into his saddlebags, and then continued...

Before a shadowy being from on high descended and proceeded to slap him in the back of the head. He yelped in pain and recoiled, only to turn...and soon cringed as he saw Princess Luna glaring at him, her eyes just beginning to turn white.

"Don't bother, Sam. Remember...I know what you do in the dark."

Swallowing hard, the green stallion nervously reached inside his saddlebag, pulled out the piece of gold, and threw it in the wheelbarrow. Like a flickering shadow, Luna ascended again and was gone. Taking a moment to contain himself, the pony turned to begin to break up the gold again for a moment...before he heard the sound of approaching hooves. He looked up just in time to see a dirty and tired looking Carl walk up to him.
Sam exhaled. "Hey Carl. So...how are things going?"

"Fine." Carl answered tiredly. "Just doing another once over of the ruins of the old castle to see if there's any other dangerous supernatural relics left inside. Frankly...I'm not too optimistic about our success."

"I'll say. The girls renovated it and they still didn't find everything..."

"...Wait, they renovated it? Why does it still look like the remains of Dol Guldor?"

"I dunno... What's Princess Luna doing...other than making sure no one steals anything?"

"Destroying the extra gold and jewels to not devalue the bit."

"Uh-huh. What about Princess Cadance?"

"Rebuilding all of the public works."

"Princess Twilight Sparkle?"

"Correcting the...um...physical differences among certain citizens and making sure no one got caught in airtight spaces."

"And let me guess, Princess Celestia is taking charge of the whole thing with her natural commanding presence, wisdom, and leadership?"

The two looked to each other for a brief moment...and then burst into raucous laughter for a solid minute.

"Heh, good one, Sam." Carl said when he finally managed to stop crying. After doing so, he looked up and straight outward. "Seriously, the guy who writes these little 'quickies' doesn't want to endorse the idea of 'Trollestia', but whenever Twilight says a line like the fact that she, Luna, and Cadance have been the ones trying to fix everything, the writers really, really make it hard. He's already dreading her usefulness come the season finale."

"...Who are you talking to, Carl?"

"Just that enormous wall that takes up one fourth of the surroundings of our city but no one ever looks at it, Sam."

"Oh... Anyway, find anything else there?"

"Well, aside from a set of evil hoof bracelets: three for unicorns, seven for pegasi, and nine for earth ponies...not really. But ever notice how our world seems to be filled with an abundance of relics that give you above-alicorn level power but also corrupt you...and that they're strangely easy to get rid of?"

"Oh come on, Carl...there were two. The Alicorn Amulet and...whatever that book was."

"Inspiration Manifestation."

"...Really? Was that the actual book or the name of the spell in the book?"

"I have no idea." Carl answered as he looked to the wall again. "All I know is that the author had his fingers crossed that an 'evil Rarity' episode would mean we'd see Nightmare Rarity, and now he's waving his crushed dreams goodbye."

Sam quickly frowned, reached out, and turned Carl's head away. "Dude, stop overusing that joke. It's not that funny to begin with and you're going to ruin our whole premise. Save it for when we need it."

Carl sighed. "Fine..."

Suddenly, another series of hoofbeats came up to the two. They turned their heads, and were just in time to see the frazzled Princess Cadance running up to them.

"You two look strong. We need your help on the restroom duty."

Both Sam and Carl looked confused. "...Restroom duty?"

"Well," Cadance began to explain. "Spike finally...well...did his business after yesterday, and now we're trying to keep a rather crazed-looking unicorn from jumping in."

Both stallions had their eyes widen, before they heard a New England accent screaming in the distance.

"My precious! It's ours, it is! OURS!"

Sam and Carl both stared open-mouthed for a few moments, before Carl frowned and again looked at the wall with a tired expression.

"...Yeah, yeah...you knew that joke was coming ever since Rarity started referring to the book as an individual in this episode." Pause. "Wow...three Tolkien references in this one..."

Sam slapped him with a hoof. "I said cut that out!"

Well-

Carl, remember, no more Fourth Wall breaks.

…

…Well?

…Er…how about our dear Celestia? It’s…it’s…really great that she was the only princess who didn’t show up to help clean up the mess Rarity left… I mean…being the one princess who would stay behind doesn’t…you know…confirm her reputation of being about as useful as a hoof growing out of one’s forehead or anything… And…uh…how about the way she, uh…bravely got herself captured by black vines at the beginning of this year? I mean…yeah…the same thing happened to Luna so…uh…I guess that makes her as effective as Luna… And wasn’t it, um…great the way she ended up giving all of her power to Twilight Sparkle when Tirek showed up…you know…in spite of the fact that she had experience being the only alicorn in Equestria for a couple hundred years…and if anyone should have gone toe-to-toe with Tirek it should have been her? But…no…she wisely decided to…uh…delegate that responsibility to Twilight and…even made sure to tell her to not get her friends to give her moral support at least? Wow…she, um…really made everyone who calls her ‘Trollestia’ eat their words this year, let me tell you-

OK, OK! Break the Fourth Wall!

Even if Chrysalis does come back at this point, she’ll pale in comparison to this season finale.