Chapters Chapter1: Less than perfect
Chapter 1 Less than Perfect
“Just a minute!” her voice rang from inside. “I´m not decent yet!”
Not decent! Spike drew a deep breath. Images of black lace went through his mind and out to the tip of his tail. Rarity´s milky hide, pink in less visible areas, peeking through a minute nightgown...
“Oh, hello Spike! What can I do for you this sunny day?”
Spike was speechless. Rarity was wearing an itsy bitsy sequin covered costume that barely covered the most desirable parts of her body. On her head was an enormous decoration made of peacock feathers and glittering gems in blue and gold.
“I´m making costumes for the Brazilian Samba Fillies.” Rarity explained. “Had to try one on. The Samba Fillies are performing in Ponyville on the 30th. What do you think?”
She made a turn, and some sequins glued to her cutiemark caught the morning sun and made her flank sparkle. She looked at Spike, waiting for him to say something. He opened his mouth. It was dry as a cactus flower pot. Not a word came out. The word “socially awkward” flew through Spikes mind.
“So how are you today?” Rarity tried. “Would you like to come in?”
She opened the door a little wider. Spike could not move. He wanted to come inside, lick those rhinestones off her hide and hand her his heart on a silver plate, but instead he just stood there, jaws working in vain to say something. It lasted an eternal ten seconds. Then he turned around and ran.
It was worse than trying to sing the Cloudsdale anthem at the Equestria games. Even worse than failing to light the torch of the games. His face was hot and his stomach cold as ice, and he had the word FAILURE rolling through his mind. After a while he stopped, panting. How could he have wasted such a chance? He would never be able to look Rarity in the eye, or any other part of her body, after this. Why did he have to be so shy, so useless! His eyes watered with resentment at his own inaptitude and he looked up. He was right under the sign that said “Dr Flimp. Personality tests and treatment for all sorts of quirks of the mind. ”. Now he knew who would hire a doctor like that: useless people, people who sucked, people like him. Things could not get worse. He opened the door and went in.
“You have come to the right place” a voice said.
A latte stallion in a corduroy jacket and thick, round glasses appeared.
“I´m doctor Flimp. Please, make yourself comfortable, and let´s see how we can help you!”
He pointed at the couch, and Spike tentatively got on it. The stallion sat down in the chair, crossed his hind legs and put his front hoofs together in a pondering pose.
“Now” he said, looking at Spike over his glasses. “You look depressed.”
Spike nodded.
“Not living the life you want to live? Not reaching your goals?”
Spike nodded more vigorously.
“Well, I can help you. Start by telling me about your childhood!”
Chapter 2: Finding Faults
Chapter 2 Finding Faults
“Sounds like hogwash to me” Granny Smith said. “I don´t need no fancy pansy to tell me what I feel. But if they had some elixir, now that would be something! There´s nothing like a good, strong elixir to fire the spirits!”
Soon another new sign was hanging beside the first one. The new sign said “Dr Flamp´s pharmacy. Pills, potions and elixirs for all ailments”. Granny Smith was the first one to enter and ask for the most potent elixir they had. Behind the desk was a mocha stallion in a white coat and with half moon shaped glasses och plastic gloves on his hooves.
“Our most potent elixirs are on prescription” he said. “You have to see Dr Flimp first”.
When Granny Smith had been to doctor Flimp, and been diagnosed with Alzpony disease, there was no reason for anyone else to think twice about attempting it. Everypony was talking about the amazing doctor Flimp, who had cured Princess Luna from evil and helped her mend her relationship with her sister. Not that the doctor had actually said that himself, but what else would give him the right to use the royal seal? They all started to think about themselves in a new way and wonder how they could become less quirky. Obviously, doctor Flimp was the solution. For an hourly fee, he would test you left right and center, tag you with a scientific sounding diagnosis and give you a prescription to ease whatever was troubling you.
“I have hyperactive muzzle and hoof disorder” Pinkie Pie said to Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle and Applejack after bouncing out of doctor Flimp´s surgery.
“Couldn´t stay on that couch for more than ten seconds. Tried to take a test, and wouldn´t stand still for that either! Now I have a prescription for Concertina, Nitawit and Buggerall. You should all go and see the doctor! Come on!”
“I don´t think I´d be comfortable telling a stranger about myself like that” Fluttershy said. “What if he finds something wrong with me?”
“Why, that´s the point!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “Haven´t you heard? Everyone is getting a diagnosis nowadays. It´s the new cutiemark. Yesterday my sister Maud came to visit me, and I took her to doctor Flimp. He said she had Assburg syndrome. Typical case, he said. Now doesn´t that sound fancy?”
Pinkie, being Pinkie, didn´t take her friend´s no for an answer. She pushed Fluttershy into the surgery and closed the door. When she came out, she was hanging her head.
“He said I have Sluggish Cockamamie Trifle” she said. “Plus a bit of ADD, Additional Dorky Disease. And now you all have to take a class about how to deal with me.”
The next person to see the doctor was Twilight Sparkle.
“ I´m not afraid” she said. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I´m completely normal, and soon I´ll have a paper from the doctor that says so.”
“Don´t worry” Pinkie chirped. “I´m sure the doctor will find some way to help you too.”
And she was right. When Twilight came out, she looked very puzzled.
“I didn´t realize I was so hooked up on details” she said. “I´m a perfectionist. Can´t deal with a mess, it freaks me out. My need for control is obsessive. The doctor says I have OCD. Apparently that stands for Obvious Controlfreak Disorder. Now I have to go back every day for 36 weeks and take something called CBT.”
“CBT?” Applejack repeated with a frown.
“ Curling Becomes Tiresome. Hope it´s more fun than it sounds.”
“Well, I´m not going in there.” Applejack crossed her front legs. “I just don´t need it”.
“Everypony needs it.” Pinkie Pie said. “The doctor told me so.”
“Well, then I don’t want to. And you can´t make me.”
“What are you so afraid of?”
Doctor Flimp was in the doorway and made them all jump. He was smiling at Applejack with his glasses on the tip of his muzzle.
“Do you find it difficult to talk about yourself?” he asked. “That tends to happen when you have suppressed childhood memories.”
“ I don´t have suppressed memories!” Applejack exclaimed. “I hardly have any memories at all from my childhood! Would y´all just leave me alone!”
“Well, that is what ponies with suppressed memories say. Luckily, your friends are here to help you get over your panic. You know it´s for your own good. Ladies?”
At a glance from doctor Flimp, Applejack´s friends all helped to coax her into the surgery and onto the couch. The doctor took out a pendulum and begun swinging it in front of Applejacks face. After some wiggling, she fell calm. Her eyes were focused on the pendulum and her mouth slightly open, a drop of drool running down her cheek.
“You are a little fillie” doctor Flimp said in a soothing voice. “Where are your parents?”
“They are dead.” Applejack whispered.
“What happened?”
“They were bucking apples. But they were drunk on strong cider. They bucked each other instead of the tree. I saw it. I saw the blood. Ma and Pa not moving. I ran to get Granny Smith to get help, but it was too late. Maybe if I had run faster. Maybe if I had stopped them from drinking so much cider…”
Applejack sobbed, but she could not take her eyes of the pendulum. Her friends could hardly look at her face. So this was the secret of the Apple family!
“I think we should call this off…” Twilight Sparke tried, but Dr Flimp hushed her.
“Go on.” he said to Applejack. “What happened then?”
“Granny Smith told me to keep this a secret. We didn´t want bad publicity. We didn’t want people to stop buying our cider. We had to be brave and never, never talk about my parents again. So we buried them in the orchard, under the biggest apple tree on the hill. Big Mac didn´t know and Apple Bloom was just a tiny baby. I swore by my parents´grave that I would always take care of her and protect her.”
By now, Pinkie Pie was crying so hard the sound broke the hypnosis. Applejack sat up and pressed her hooves to her forehead.
“What in darnation are you crying about?” she asked. “My head aches!”
“Oh nothing” doctor Flimp said. “But I do recommend that you take these pills and come back tomorrow. You clearly have untreated PTSD, Pony Toddler Stress Disorder. I recommend that your brother and sister come too. I´ll give you a family discount!”
He handed her a prescription, and they were all out the door.
“What did I say in there?” Applejack asked. “All I remember is that stupid pendulum.”
Her friends looked at each other.
“Maybe you should just take the doctors orders” Twilight Sparkle said. “And bring your family.”
Chapter 3: If Truth be Told
Chapter 3 If Truth be Told
Over the next few days, the denizens of Ponyville seemed to go to the clinic and the pharmacy more often but talk less about it. The talk went underground and became gossip. Ponies confided in each other in back alleys, dusty barns and behind hay stacks, and the rumors spread. Ponyville had never seen so many embarrassed ponies sneaking off to the doctor and the pharmacist, wondering who would see and who knew what.
Spike was deeply troubled. He still didn´t know anything about his childhood, despite repeated sessions on the couch. He felt more socially awkward than ever and he had not talked to Rarity. In fact, she was nowhere to be seen these days. It was said that she had been diagnosed with GAD, Glittering Allure Disorder. She was probably at home trying to finish the costumes for the Brazilian Samba Fillies. They were performing on Saturday, and today was Thursday.
Spike went to the Sugar Cube Corner and ordered a milk shake. He sat down behind a big plant to be on his own and ponder the events of the last few days. On the other side of the plant another party sat down with cupcakes. It was Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Usually, they would be eager to gulp down the delicious cupcakes, but now they sat brooding over them without eating.
“I talked to Pinkie Pie today,” Twilight Sparkle said finally. “She is all messed up. Keeps saying she has forced her parties on ponies for years. Blames all of us for not standing up to her and telling her to ease off. “
“But we have,” Rainbow Dash protested. “More than once. She just would never listen. But then again, we have always enjoyed her parties. Although she can be a bit annoying, she does have a knack for dragging people out of their shells. She won´t let people be depressed in peace, and that´s ultimately a good thing. Just look at Cranky Doodle and how his life changed!”
“I tried to tell her that. But now that Pinkie´s on medication, she looks at things in a different way. A non-Pinkie way. “
“A doctor Flimp way,” Flutter Shy mumbled. “He´s made us all doubt ourselves. I mean, he´s right of course, we probably should doubt ourselves, I should at least….”
“Oh, stop it!”
Rainbow Dash sounded angry. The thud from her lavender hoof hitting the table was loaded with frustration.
“Doctor Flimp this and doctor Flamp that! I didn´t want his advice, but he observed me at a distance anyway when I was training. Then he sent me a letter saying that I have Restless Wing Disease and that I probably needed Paracetamule of Coltein for pain and Stilknocked for sleeping. He also wrote that I seemed to be an over achiever that showed signs of a doping problem, had an unhealthy attitude towards competing and suffered from low self esteem that made me want to win everything to gain validation. Can you believe it?”
“I get a new diagnosis every time I see the doctor,” Flutter Shy said. “Now I have not only Sluggish Cockamamie Trifle but also social anxiety, generalized anxiety, specialized anxiety and AOA.”
“What´s that?”
“Any Old Anxiety. Only Zooloft and Ponyzepam can take the abbreviations out of that one.”
Twilight Sparkle rubbed her temples.
“We have to take this seriously. Diagnosing Derpy with DCD, Dead Cute Darling, is obviously based on correct observations. And they spotted Berry Punch´s drinking problem right away. So the doctors must be good at what they do. And after all, they have helped my family through some very dire circumstances.“
“Or so they say,” Rainbow snorted. “Have you ever heard any of the other princesses talk about them?”
“Maybe it´s just not the kind of thing you talk about.”
“What don´t you just talk about? Is it about my family again?”
Applejack had just entered. Spike peeked through the leaves of the plant. The caramel mare looked a bit gaunt and pale as she sat down with her friends.
“No, not at all!” Twilight answered, a little too quickly. “ Absolutely not! Why would it be?”
“Because that darned doctor fished something out of my head and no one will tell me what!”
“Have you been back to the doctor to ask him yourself?”
“Hell no. Once on that couch was enough. But I told Big Mac about it, and he went. Came back all pale and quieter than usual. Said he has SLI.”
“Specific Language Impairment?”
“No. Silly Learntotalk Inability. Needs a speech therapist. Not surprising, doctor Flimp has that degree too. Figures.”
They all nodded in silence. Spike finished his milkshake quietly and snuck out of the Sugar Cube Corner without being noticed. Maybe he would go to see Rarity again after all. This time, he knew exactly what he wanted to say to her.
Chapter 4: The Royal Visit
Chapter 4: The Royal Visit
Chapter 4 The Royal Visit
It was Saturday and the day of the Brazilian Samba Fillies parade. Most of Ponyville was out in the streets to see the event. Spike waited at the edge of the town square. Soon he heard the sound of trumpets just outside town. Everyone started talking, wondering what was going on. This was not the music they expected.
“Those are the royal bugles!” someone exclaimed. “Prinsess Celestia is here!”
Everypony ran to the edge of town, where the highway came into Ponyville. They stopped, dazzled at the sight that met them. Ponies with bugles fastened to their muzzles with gold harnesses came parading into town, blowing their trumpets as they walked. Behind them came two dozen royal guards walking in perfect order, heads and knees high at every step. And in their midst was princess Celestia herself. She seemed to float above the ground, gilded hooves glittering in the sun and her northern light mane flowing around her like a cloud of dreams. Everypony bowed as she passed, and as she glanced kindly at them they felt some of her magic touching their hearts. Spike felt it too, and for the first time in weeks he felt completely at ease with himself.
He ran ahead to the square and climbed up onto a light post to get a better view. Below him, the square filled with the illustrious progress surrounded by smiling Ponyville ponies. At a look from princess Celestia, the buglers became silent.
“Dear ponies!” Celestia´s voice rang like a silver bell. “I have come here today to enjoy the Brazilian Samba Fillies show with you. They are certified entertainers to the royal court and some of the best spreaders of joy in Equestria. First, however, I want to introduce a person who would like to contribute to your lives in another way. Meet my dear friend doctor Trulywise, the one and only psychiatric consultant to the royal court.”
An elderly gray stallion with a white mane and tail stepped forward. His cutiemark was a red heart. All of Ponyville froze at first, everypony staring mutely at Celestia´s psychiatrist. Then they started to whisper in confused voices. What was this? How could he be the one and only royal shrink?
“Excuse me, your highness!” somepony shouted. “What about doctor Flimp and doctor Flamp?”
Celestia smiled.
“I have heard of them. They were sentenced to prison in Manehattan last year for practicing medicine and selling prescription drugs without the proper licenses. In jail they studied chemistry and psychology but never finished or got their diplomas. Now a little dragon has whispered in my ear that they have put up practice here. I have come to put an end to that. Guards, find med the Flim Flam brothers, which are their real names!”
All of Ponyville was in an uproar. A few ponies galloped with the guards to find Flimp and Flamp, shouting that those scoundrels would get a taste of their own medicine, double dose. The rest stayed, forming a line to see doctor Trulywise. Spike got in line too with Twilight Sparkle and the rest of their little circle of friends. When it was their turn to talk to doctor Trulywise, he smiled at them as if he knew them already.
“Ah, these are the ponies Spike and Rarity wrote to princess Celestia about. I can see why he didn´t want anything to put such fine, good friends down!”
“Was everything Flimp and Flamp said a lie?” Twilight Sparkle asked. “Have we been complete fools about all this?”
“Clever ponies like yourselves are never complete fools. Flim and Flam just took advantage of your will to improve yourself and search for the truth. There was probably an oat grain of truth in everything they told you. Pinkie Pie needs to be more attentive to other people´s needs for privacy. Rarity and Twilight Sparkle may profit from relaxing more and pushing themselves a bit less. Fluttershy could practice being more self assured – for her own sake, not for yours. And Rainbow Dash, it´s not the end of the world if you lose sometimes. Loosing gives you experience and makes you humbler!”
“What about me?” Applejack asked, looking at the doctor from under the brim of her hat. “I did remember something under hypnosis. Something terrible, judging by the look on my friend´s faces when I mention it. I´m not sure I want to know what it is. But should I just let the truth be buried forever? I don´t know what to do!”
Doctor Trulywise put a hoof on her shoulder.
“You are blessed with the best friends a pony could wish for. They know you better than anypony. So maybe you could let them decide what you should know and what is better ´left buried´, as you say?”
They all nodded in agreement.
When everypony had had their moment with doctor Trulywise, princess Celestia spoke again.
“My royal psychiatrist will stay in Ponyville for at month to see everyone who needs it and to make proper statements about their heath. Flim and Flam seem to have escaped, but my guards will find them in time. Rest assured that they will never practice any kind of medicine again. And now: bring in the Brazilian Samba Fillies!”
The sound of drums, someone blowing a merry whistle and a flurry of feathers and sequins appeared in the square. Everypony cheered, for they had never before needed a good samba party as badly as this day. The Samba Fillies were wearing Rarity´s costumes.
Suddenly, in the happy chaos of dancing ponies and spicy hot rhythms, Rarity came up to Spike. He looked up her shapely fetlocks in net stockings, past the gaskins up to the rhinestones glued to her cutiemark. His eyes caressed the curve of her smooth back, up her arched neck ending in the soft point of the poll where golden extensions glittered in her blue mane and finally rested on her silky soft, smiling face with the tempting muzzle. The eyelids of her big, beautiful eyes were shaded with topaz glitter.
“So, what do you think about these costumes? You never answered when I asked you the first time!”
To his surprise, Spike found the right words:
“Rarity, you amazing mare, I´m speechless!”
Chapter 5: Apple Memories
Chapter 5 Apple Memories
At sunset, Applejack and her friends stood under the biggest apple tree on Sweet Apple Acres. It was on a hill overlooking the orchards. Spike was on a branch, leaning against the thick trunk, looking at the ponies below with tears in his eyes.
“This is where your parents were buried” Rarity said.
Applejack looked at the lush, green grass under her hooves.
“What happened to them?” she asked in a small voice.
“An accident” Fluttershy said. “It was no one´s fault.”
“Does Granny know?”
“She did at the time,” Twilight Sparkle said. “But she covered it up to stay in business and keep you, McIntosh and Apple Bloom clothed and fed. She told everypony that your parents had gone to seek their fortune without saying where. No one was to talk about it as not to upset you children. After a few years, most ponies stopped wondering. And I think in the end, she believed that story herself. Now she´s old and her memory is failing. You have grown up, her work is done and she doesn´t have to remember anymore. Sometimes forgetting is a blessing.”
Pinkie Pie was chewing her lip, trying not to sob too loudly and most of all trying not to talk. It surprised her that she was able to just listen, and she remained quiet.
Applejack raised her right hind leg and gave the old tree a gentle buck. One apple fell down with a soft thud.
“I will bury this apple right here” Applejack said. “And when a new tree starts to grow from the pips, I know I will always be able to find this place and go here to remember my parents”.
The gathered around the apple that glowed red in the light of the setting sun och hugged each other in a circle. Rainbow Dash broke free first and soared into the burning evening sky. She waved a hoof to Spike. He climbed to the very top of the tree, took a deep breath and blew out a cloud of white smoke. Rainbow Dash then flew around it, shaping it with the speed wind of her wings. The others looked up and Applejack gave a quiet “Wow!” The cloud had become a shining heart in the sky.
Author's Note
I dedicate this story to all of you wonderful people out there who have learning disabilites and other diagnoses. I would never make fun of you, but I don´t mind making fun of the abbreviation-hysteria that travels across the earth today and all the people who profit from it. There is a new diagnosis every day, and correct and necessary as many of them may be, I still wish we could all let each other be a bit more ourselves. That´s all we can be anyway, and that´s good enough.