Discord Ain't Fallin' for THAT!

by 70monkies3eatchowder6

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Tirek, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2319

How season four should have ended

Twilight complains because being a princess is BORING. Discord sees through an obvious power grab and toys with Tirek. Twilight's house still gets destroyed, and Hasbro still sells a lot of toys.

Published 2014-05-26 06:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-26 06:40:05 UTC

But I wanna be a REAL princess!

"What's wrong Twilight?" Fluttershy's downplayed voice reaches out to Twilight, but it isn't the only thing.

"Why the LOOOOOOOOOOOONG face?" Twilight tries her best to stay patient, but she is quite certain Pinkie Pie is literally pulling her face off.

"OW Pinkie that hurts!"

Pinkie looks down. "Oh, sorry Twilight."

"Seriously. You see your friend sad and the first thing that comes to your mind is pulling on their face?"

Pinkie wobbles her hoof. "I guess I thought it would cheer you up."

"How does that cheer me up? How would you like it if somepony did that to you!"

"I'll do it!" Rainbow Dash eagerly volunteers.

"You stay out of this! Anyway, I've just been feeling unsure about things lately. It doesn't seem that my new role as a princess equates to all that much."

Her friends stare at her with wide-eyed expressions. Even Fluttershy seems surprised, and is that...anger she sees coming off them? Spike too seems perturbed. "What? What did I say?"

"Seriously?" The element of Honesty is the first to speak. "That's a bunch o' horse apples and tartar sauce."

Rarity nods. "I've never heard anything more absurd in my life!"

Applejack looks her in the eyes. "You literally have everything you could ask for. You're immortal, can cast amazing spells, always are telling us where we went wrong. You're a princess, you can fly, not that you have to because you can freakin' teleport."

"Let's not forget that she can do a sonic rainboom," Rainbow chimes in. "Not that I'm jealous or anything. I mean I've been racing my whole life, but hey, I guess doing one a few DAYS after you learn to fly isn't such a big deal."

Twilight looks her friends over. "You all feel this way? Rarity? Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy's voice drops again. "Not to be hurtful Twilight or anything, but I do think you're being a little...um...whiny." She shrinks. "I'm sorry."

"Spike?"

"Oh, yeah, miss makes everything right for everypony and never let's them fail on their own. You're like a superhero who complains about her powers. You're coming off super entitled right now Twilight."

"Okay, Spike we already talked about this. I thought you felt better after saving everypony at the Equestria Games."

"Well yeah, but I don't make a career out of it."

"Pinkie? You too?"

Pinkie lies on the floor laughing. "Twilight? Why does the floor feel funny? The floor, it loves me! I love you too, floor!"

Twilight stares at Pinkie for a moment. "Pinkie brought her Ecstasy again, didn't she?"

"I brought a molly for you too, Twilight! Why don't you have some? It will make your ceremony more fun!"

Twilight gets red faced and marches to the castle. "Well, I for one don't think I'm being whiny. You're all still welcome to watch me come and wave at stuff though."

Trumpets blare. Twilight sits at the top of the balcony. Don't screw up, Twilight. Don't screw up. All you have to do is untie a ribbon with magic. You've done it thousands of times before.

"The Duke and Duchess of Maretonia." The Duke and Duchess bow. Twilight unfurls the banner successfully. She waves. Nopony waves back. Twilight feels alone, even as her friends stand next to her. So alone.

"That's it?" Spike says. "That's hilarious. No wonder you feel like a loser. Hey Twilight, could you come travel miles away to unfurl this banner for me?"

Her friends all laugh. Twilight goes red again. "Arrggh!" She runs off.

Spike shrugs. "She'll be okay."

Twilight paces outside of wide crystal doors. She waits, unnerved by the amount of time the dignitaries and princesses have been in there. She hears frequent laughing and glasses clinking. Eventually, the merriment dies down and the doors open. Out walks the Duke and Duchess.

"Your Highness." Twilight bows. "Thank you for understanding our desire to keep the number of those privy to these confidential discussions to a minimum."

"Of course," Twilight responds.

"We prefer to speak with real princesses on such matters."

Twilight grits her teeth. The Duke and Duchess walk away snickering, as Twilight puts on her best fake smile and waves. Neither one looks back as they open and close the outer castle doors behind them. The other princesses arrive behind her. Twilight sees a large banquet of food through the now open doors in the room they were previously eating at.

"Is there anything else I can do to assist with their visit?"

"I'm sorry Twilight," Cadence says, "But their visit is already over."

"Oh." Twilight says.

"Something wrong?" Luna says.

"I guess I just don't understand why I'm here. Couldn't one of the royal guard have unfurled the banner?"

Indignation crosses Celestia's face. "I would have supposed that you would have wanted to be here, Twilight, unless you think your duties as a Princess are not important?"

"Well wait, I do think they're important...It's just that..."

"Or maybe you feel like you aren't a real Princess since all of us live in Castles and you live in a tree? Did you want to walk down there with us too?"

Twilight looks up. "Well yeah, that's all sort of true..."

"Okay then. Let me put it this way Twilight," She looks her square in the eye. "What boring royal princess work have you done since you became a princess? Hmm?"

"Well, I..."

"No seriously. Cadence and I both listen to people drone on all day about their problems. I raise the goddamn sun. Every day. What do you do?"

"Well, I'm not useless. I go on adventures and save Equestria!"

"Exactly. So while you run around having fun adventures and constantly saving Equestria, Cadence and I actually have to listen to boring stuff about taxes and city planning day in and day out! I do this for eternity, Twilight. Do you have any idea how maddening that is?"

"Excuse me sister," Luna interrupts. "You mentioned Cadence and yourself, but you didn't mention me."

"Well, you raise the moon and enter dreams and stuff. That's pretty important too, I guess. It's still more than she does."

"Hey!"

"Don't you 'Hey' me, little Twilight. I made you a Princess and I can take it away. All we're asking is to just have this one thing, that one thing being able to talk to dry boring ponies about dry boring stuff. If that means that all you do while you're here is smile and wave, then you better damn well be grateful for it."

"You were laughing and eating! And...do I smell cider on your breath?"

Celestia turns her head away. "What I do during my royal meetings is none of your business."

The three other princesses walk toward the door. Twilight climbs up to the balcony and sighs.

"It isn't that I'm ungrate--"

"And no singing!"

Twilight's face drops like a stone.

A stallion with an ambiguous fruit cutie mark carries a basket of a different kind of ambiguous fruit, perhaps oranges. Yeah, they're orange, so we'll go with oranges. He's in a dark alley, and he doesn't like that. He hears a can tip over. He jumps a little. Then he sees it, some old looking guy in a hood. He's just an old dude. No need to worry.

"Very sorry," he laughs nervously. "You came out of nowhere!"

The hooded man breathes a few moments in the most creepy way possible.

"Is he friend or is he foe, the pony wonders."

The unicorn starts shaking "Uh, you know...I think I saw this on Scooby Doo. I'm just gonna back up over here..."

"Stay put! I wasn't finished!"

"Okay! Okay!"

"Ahem. Good. Let me start over. Is he friend or is he foe, the pony wonders. I can assure you I am no friend."

"Time to run!"

"Nope." Tirek sucks his magic dry leaving the pony drained and weak. His ambiguous cutie mark disappears.

"This...sucks," the stallion weakly says.

"I bet it does." replies Tirek.

"Tirek's back" Celestia says,

"Umhhm."

"Yep. Bad news." The other princess agree, except for Twilight, who has no idea what's going on.

"Who's Tirek?"

"Bad news. Wants to absorb all magic in Equestria. Not a good guy."

Twilight's face lights up. "Wonderful! Then I can finally do some good around here."

Celestia frowns. "Sorry Twilight. That's not going to happen."

"Why not?" Twilight asks.

"Oh do try to keep up here, Twilight. He's a magical being that eats magic. You are magic. We need to keep you as far away from him as possible. Also, I'm still irritated with you from last night, so that too."

"So what are we going to do?"

"We're getting Discord."

The Princesses all look over at her. "What? Discord?" Luna says.

"Yes," replies Celestia, "Discord. Anypony have a problem with that? He can detect magical imbalances and can track Tirek down. I don't see any of you with any better ideas. Anypony? Any ideas at all?"

"Perhaps Pinkie Pie can de--"

"Not you Twilight. Anypony else? Good. Meeting adjourned. If you need me, I'll be in my room taking Midol and eating chocolate."

Luna rubs her chin as her sister leaves. "Hmm. Well that explains a lot."

"I've never seen her like that," Twilight says.

"I have," Luna says. "Once every thirty suns."

"Wait. Are you saying she has some kind of curse or something?"

"You could say that."

"Fluttershy?" Tirek stares obliquely. "You're not saying you're friends with ponies?"

"Surprise!" Discord throws himself out of a cake.

Tirek brushes the cake off of his coat. "I am surprised that someone with your intellect does not see this friendship as but a new form of imprisonment. Clearly you've had to abandon your true nature to stay in their good graces."

"I have done nothing of the sort," Discord says.

"Oh, please," Tirek says, "I've seen this before. But he was always weak-minded. You are Discord. You are legend. You cannot fall into the same trap that claimed my brother. Help me to grow strong and you will be rewarded with something far greater than friendship. Freedom. Once I have stripped these ponies of their magic, nothing will give me greater pleasure than to see their world turned upside down. Who better to do so, than the master of chaos himself. Join me Discord, and reclaim your greatness. Unless, of course, pony errand boy is the role you always wanted to play in this world."

"Wait, wait wait wait." Discord manifests a zipper over Tirek's mouth. "Wait. So. You have a point, Tirek, I must say. But, let's say I help you get strong. I have no assurance you won't turn on me and try to absorb my magic, especially since you're not exactly a fan of friendship." Discord scratches his chin. "I think I know exactly what to do with you. Sure, Tirek, I'll help you absorb their magic." A wide grin crawls across both faces. "Oh, and you can have your talking back now." Discord snaps his fingers, and the zipper around Tirek's mouth disappears. Tirek's eyes shift strangely. "The problem here is that ultimately, Tirek, there's only room for one at the top, and that's me, but you shall have your freedom." Discord air quotes the last word.

Discord teleports back to the Crystal empire. "Hello Celestia, I'm back. Did you miss me?"

"Discord!" Celestia says, "You're back."

"Oh? I wasn't aware," says Discord.

"What happened?" Luna says. "Where is Tirek?"

Discord stretches back, "Oh, he's out wandering some back alleys in a random village in Equestria."

"And you didn't stop him?" Celestia raises her voice.

"No need," Discord says. "I found a way to render him harmless." At this, Discord starts laughing. "You see, I made him think that he's still draining ponies of their magic, when in fact he's draining magic away from himself and just drinking it again! The end result is that not only will he not grow stronger, but the magic he drains will taste a little...assey."

"Assey?" Celestia raises an eyebrow. "That's a thing?"

"Yes. It is now."

"Pffft." Celestia's eyes pop wide. "That's hilarious."

"Well. Finally someone appreciates my sense of humor," Discord says.

The two share a moment of hearty laughter. After the moment passes, Celestia rubs her hooves together. "Well, I've had a busy day. I'll just leave you to clean up my meal here."

Discord stops silent. He looks Celestia in the eye. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me Discord. Clean up after me."

A fire lights inside Discord's eyes. The two stare for a moment. Finally, Celestia's face break's down. She snorts. She snickers. Then starts laughing again. "Ah Discord. You should have seen your face. Pretending you're my personal maid? It doesn't get any better than that!"

Celestia keeps on laughing. Discord snaps his fingers. A distant explosion occurs. Celestia stops silent. "Discord? What was that? What did you do?"

"That, my dear, is the sound of Twilight's library exploding."

Celestia's face quickly sobers. "Oh. Oh, I see." She tries to hold her face steady. She really tries to. It is unbecoming of a Princess to laugh at her student's misfortune or at Discord after he was trying to be serious about something for once. But...Discord just exploded Twilight's treehouse. The girl was asking for it. Finally, she busts out laughing. She laughs for minutes at a time. She laughs until she cries, and Discord laughs too. He thinks maybe, just maybe Celestia isn't so annoying after all. He gives her flowers and Celestia smiles, and Discord thinks that maybe now is the best time to end the fanfic, because the last thing this fic needs is shipping.

Author's Note

I wrote this to take a break from my serious story. No need to judge it harshly. I didn't take is seriously, but hey have fun if you're reading.