Random Stupidity

by Proper Noun

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Sweetie Belle, Trixie, Comedy, Random, Maud Pie, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1163

Random non-canon chapters of my other stories. Warning: Contains Dumb

Random one-shots, parodies, and other badly-written and unedited idiocy outside of continuity, usually aimed at writer's block on my other stories.

They are all incredibly stupid. Don't get your hopes up.

Published 2014-05-13 20:10:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-13 20:10:05 UTC

After the Show II

"You there, gray pony who does nothing but blink! Why are you not applauding the Great and Powerful Trixie?!" Seriously, Trixie was completely pissed. She had worked hard to produce the most amazingtastical show these farmer yokels had ever seen, which wasn't saying much but shut up, and all this random pony had done was occasionally freshen her eyes with a blink!

"Your show is dumb," Maud Pie said. Trixie threw up from anxiety. No! There was no way somepony could call her life's work dumb! Completely shattered and desperate for attention, Trixie threw herself to the ground at Maud's hooves. The other mare just blinked down at her.

"Please, the Great and Powerful Trixie can't live without the approval of others! Tell her what she must do to earn your praise!"

"You could turn into a rock." Immediately, Trixie burst into tears and laughter at the same time. It was funny because nopony could turn into a rock, not even with magic. It was also sad because she would never win this stupid, stupid pony's affection.

"But I - I mean, the Great and Powerful Trixie knows that is impossible! Please let her have kinky sex with you instead!"

"Okay."

"Oh, Trixie knew it was useless to ask! Woe is she, who shall never feel your love!" Maud wondered how stupid Trixie really was, but if the showmare was this desperate, well, so was she. She was tempted to beat it into Trixie's head (with a rock) that yes means yes (except when it means no), but that would probably reduce the reciprocity of their love-making. She settled for repetition.

"I said, okay."

"Oh, thank you thank you thank you!" Trixie got up and followed the other pony home, spouting irrelevant plot points and thinking about dumb rock-farming memories the whole way. "Oh, before Trixie forgets, Miss Maud Pie, she believes she did not get your name."

"You're stupid," Maud said, flatly. Any less-desperate pony would have ditched her then and there, but not Trixie. Trixie needed her approval too badly, and Maud was glad for that, because she hadn't been laid in far too long, herself.

So Maud took Trixie to the shed out back and they banged a lot. It was hot and angsty and sweaty. Maud was thoroughly unsatisfied, so she decided to punish Trixie.

"You're as good in the sack as a rock," she whispered to the blue mare's sleeping form. "I like rocks."

She built a rock pile around Trixie's body, then started pounding it down into a smaller shape with her super rock powers. Trixie woke up but she was so squeezed-down in size that she couldn't breathe. Or more importantly, scream. That would've been bad.

"Hey kid, it's past your bedtime." She knew that voice too well. It was her one and only true nemesis: the powerful, the evil, the domineering...

"Go away, dad. I'm busy making friends." He looked skeptical.

"You know I didn't teach you about friends with benefits, because my appearance told me I'm Amish so I decided to be an isolationist Puritan. Where is she?" Maud picked up the little piece of stone that used to be Trixie and a pile of rocks and showed it off. This was the part that always foiled her nemesis.

"Here. See? You know all my friends are rocks." She didn't really care about the smell, or else she would've started having her fun nights somewhere else. And Trixie had a head cold so she didn't notice either. Maud's dad had thrown up on the floor of the shed enough times that the stomach acid was starting to eat through the wood and into the dirt below.

"I never expected my most uptight daughter to give me the worst mental images," her father said, after he was done retching. "Clean up this mess and go to bed, it's 8pm and you kept waking me up."

"Yes, dad." She smirked to herself victoriously as Mr. Pie turned to leave. "Muahahahaha, and I shall name this one... Boulder."

"Why are you laughing evilly?"

"No reason."

"Well, okay. Remember, you've got a train to catch in the morning if you want to visit your sister. I'll whip your ass so bad you won't be able to sit for a year if you aren't on it." He walked away, muttering something about having to make his little birds fly their nest.

"We're going to have a lot of fun together," Maud told Trixie, who could only whimper back because she was part of a rock now. "Just you wait."

No Sweeter Salvation, Chapter 3a

"FUCK IT! YOU FILLIES TALK TOO MUCH!" Celestia roared, above the general din. The dull roar of daytime hospital operations subsided in the wake of the far-from-regal proclamation, as ponies across Equestria stood awestruck at the Princess's rage, but the noise was soon replaced by another, more sinister sound.

Rushing wind, roaring like an oncoming train, tore the windows from the Institute as a gray funnel formed around the building. The tornado rocked the hospital on its foundations until it finally broke free, swirling around and around through the sky.

"TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Princess Celestia cried down from the sun, and Twilight Sparkle cringed.

"But I thought you loved me!" she screamed back. "You tutored and cared for me all these years! You made me a Princess! You said you were proud of me!"

Sweetie Belle squeaked out something whiny and pathetic, but nopony cared.

"MOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN!" Celestia roared again. The hospital twirled into the sky, higher and higher, and some of the elderly patients died of the bends from the sudden pressure change before Twilight managed to put a shield around the building to prevent further damage. That didn't stop it from being sent tumbling through space until, with a crash, it impacted the surface of the moon. The dust cloud it sent up was observed from as far away as Earth, where government astronomers excitedly began to plan an expedition to the first inhabited world ever discovered, completely ignoring that all traces of civilization would be erased by time before any spacegoing vessel ever made it there.

Twilight Sparkle was confused, because everypony began to pass out from asphyxiation. As the Princess of Autism, she had no idea that her ability to breathe vacuum didn't mean anypony but another Princess could do the same.

"Need... air..." Sweetie Belle whimpered. Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Oh, shush. Everything's fine, I just need to find a way to get us back to Equestria and overthrow my pissy old teacher." It was only weeks later, when the rot in the bodies of all the patients, staff, and guests became smellier than she could bear, that she let down her shield, realizing everypony else was dead.

"Well, fuck. I'm a bad student. I guess I deserve to stay here for a thousand years, just like Luna."

And they all lived happily ever after.