In which Celestia's patience is tested
"Would you kindly send in the next pony, please?"
It was a good day to be Celestia. Okay, that's a lie, it was just an average day to be Celestia; a good day to be Celestia is when she was able to sneak a box of chocolates past her personal fitness instructor (whom she had to hire at Luna's behest under the claims she thought her sister might be gaining weight). Today she was listening to the woes and desires of her pony subjects; nobles demanding more financial gain, peasantry begging for handouts, and three curious fillies asking for their cutie marks (a feat beyond Celestia's capabilities). The regal alicorn sat upon her throne, watching as the large double doors opened, and the guards allowed in another pony; a rather mundane looking brown earth pony stallion with darker brown hair and green eyes, with a sprout as a cutie mark. He approached the throne, and bent knee to the princess.
"Rise, my little pony." The stallion did so, looking up at her with large, anxious eyes. Celestia levitated a piece of parchment before her, as well as her reading glasses, and looked over the statement. "It says here that your farm has been suffering due to a shortage of rain and an overabundance of sun, and that you would like the aid of the crown in alleviating this issue?"
"Yes, your holiness" he said with a bow.
Celestia continued to smile, but internally, she groaned. 'Oh no, not another one.' "I see... but, my little pony--"
"Topsoil, your grace."
"... Topsoil... the thing that confuses me is what you request for me to do about your situation..." She levitated the parchment closer, reading it once more. "... It says here you want me to... 'Make the soil more fertile'..." Celestia lowered the parchment, and smiled towards the pony. "... However, it seems to me the problem doesn't even require my intervention at all. If you'd like, I can always contact the WCB (Weather Control Bureau for you plebeians) nearest to your locale and ask them to push more clouds your way..."
"Oh, but your greatness, that is just a short term solution!" The stallion gaped. "If it rains, it may make my crops grow for a few days, but they will starve again!"
"That, my little pony, is why the pegasi keep coming back with more clouds..." Celestia's eye twitched a bit.
"They can come all they want, but you, your holy luminance, can make the soil more fertile! Can make it more potent! Why, you could make it grow super carrots!"
Celestia stared at the stallion, trying her best to keep a smile on her face. "I don't know about that, Topsoil... but it is unnecessarily anyway. All one requires-"
"Is it because I took this along a more 'business' style route instead of praying? I can pray! I'll pray right now!"
Celestia furrowed her brow. "Oh please don't-"
The stallion, however, was already kneeling and put his hooves together. "Dear Celestia. My family and I are suffering, and our crops are terrible and smell of old cheese. We, your humble servants, pray that you will bless us with ever-fertile land that will flourish. Amen."
Celestia stared at the stallion with half-lidded, annoyed eyes and a smile so forced her face looked like it might burst. "I... see...." she said betwixt her teeth with another twitch of her eye. "... But I'm afraid all I can offer you are the pegasi."
"But your grace-"
"Take it or leave it" she said between her teeth once more, her eyes narrowing dangerously on the pony.
He simply sighed and bowed his head. "My faith wasn't pure enough... I have failed you... but I shall take it." With that, the stallion bowed and left, and Celestia felt a few bits of mane twinge and curl. She looked towards the guards, who seemed to be trying to look anywhere but in her direction.
"I won't be taking anymore subject requests today!" said the Princess with an almost desperate look in her eye. The guard nodded and stepped out, shutting the door behind him, to tell the lords and ladies that they would have to wait until tomorrow. Left alone to her thoughts, Celestia sighed and lowered her head. "Why do I always get the crazies...?"
"Does something trouble you, dearest sister?"
Celestia turned to see Luna stepping into the room, a strange, yet familiar sandwich in her magical grasp. Celestia raised a brow. "Luna... is that a hamburger?"
"What?" Luna blinked. "No!" She looked around, as if trying to find a place to hide it, but instead threw it at a wall behind her, turned her head and fired a bolt of magic at it that incinerated the sandwich mid-air, turning her attention back to Celestia with a forced smile. "I have no idea what you're talking about, and neither do Twilight Sparkle or Fluttershy!" Her expression turned serious. "Do not ask Twilight Sparkle or Fluttershy!"
"Of course..." Celestia stared at her sister warily for a moment before sighing. "But no, I'm fine. Just a tad stressed."
"Stressed? About what?" Luna quirked a brow. "You always loved tending to the ponies' needs once you got the hang of it. Was it that last one? The crazy who seemed to have you confused with some sort of deity?"
"Yes." Celestia stood up and walked past Luna, who followed her sister through another door into the private halls of the castle intended only for those who dwell there, guests, and staff. "It just becomes somewhat... disturbing every time I am forced into contact with ponies who seem to confuse my magic with that of a divine entity."
"Why would they think that?" Luna looked upon her sister with interest. "I mean, you'd think they'd never seen a magical alicorn princess before."
"Before me, none alive today have." Celestia smirked a little, looking towards her sister. "You must remember; I am over one thousand years old... and while at one time ponies might have accepted that as a feat of magic... mostly because it was so close to the time that unicorns themselves moved the solar bodies... nowadays, ponies look upon it as an effect that could only be achieved through divine intervention." Celestia looked up at the ceiling, letting her mind consider these things; she had thought them over hundreds of times, but it was rare she actually spoke them. "I think Ponies just find it simpler to quantify us as divinity than it is for them to wrap their mind around an exceptionally powerful mage."
Luna grabbed a piece of cake from a nearby desert tray, splitting it in half and levitating a piece to Celestia, who took it. "Well, if ponies wish to be confused, why not allow it?" Luna grinned wide. "I think it sounds quite riveting, to have ponies think you are divinity! It must be so... so... romantic!"
Celestia quirked a brow. "Romantic?"
"You know!" Luna smiled. "They worship you! To have ponies treat the very ground you walk as sacred? To pray to you? I can't imagine any higher honor!"
The elder sister smiled a mirthless smile and chuckled. "I'll admit, it was pretty fun at first. I mean, it was creepy at first, but then I thought of all the fun I could have if ponies thought of me as such..." Celestia frowned. "It was about the time they founded the Holy Church of Celestia that I felt thoroughly disturbed."
"They made a church to you!?" Luna frowned. "Why don't I get a church!"
Celestia bit her lip. "You did! ... You did..."
Luna raised a brow, looking at her sister. "... I did...? Why doesn't that sound thrilling?"
"Well..." Celestia looked away. "No reason... they just... kind of.... sort of mighthavebeenacultthatwantedtobringabouteternalnightinthenameofnightmaremoon..."
Luna frowned. "... I'm afraid I didn't catch that. You spoke too quickly."
"Of course..." Celestia sighed, rolling her eyes. "... There was a... group... of ponies for a short while that worshiped Nightmare Moon. They wanted to 'resurrect' you in the hopes of bringing about night eternal. It lead to a lot of pointless sacrifices and the occasional orgy under the stars in the hopes that that the act would appease you from your confines..."
Luna blinked, blushing a bit. "Ponies joined in sexual congress in my name?"
"Yes, I know, it's-"
"Very flattering!" This caught Celestia by surprise, who turned to see Luna, still blushing, with a bit of a shy grin on her face, waving a hoof as if to cool herself down. "I mean, clearly it didn't do what it was intended to, but it is flattering nonetheless!" Celestia rolled her eyes, but smiled despite herself at her sister. Luna cleared her throat. "Anyway... if you are bothered by this, why not correct them? Inform them of the nuances of unicorn and alicorn magic, and of how you're simply a particularly powerful magician?"
"I've tried." Celestia sighed and hung her head. "You do that, then they start thinking you're talking in riddles! Riddles!" Celestia threw her hooves to the air. "There's nothing you can say to them! They just keep finding excuses!" Celestia sighed, putting her hooves back down. "Thankfully, it's not a problem everypony shares. Many, admittedly mostly unicorns who are particularly educated in the study of magic, understand that I am just a mare who is particularly in tune with arcane powers. But a lot of ponies cling to an old religion that only sprung up because by the time I was two hundred years old, I still hadn't shown any notable signs of aging."
Luna hummed, scratching her chin. "I see... that could be quite the conundrum..." She turned to look around the hall, as if answers might be found upon the walls. "Why not outlaw such churches?"
"If only it were so easy..." Celestia sighed, closing her eyes. "It would be infringing upon ponies' religious freedoms, which are a sacred thing." Celestia frowned. "Even if this one particular religion is more along the lines of a confused cult than anything else."
"I see..." Luna hummed once more. "Well... I suppose if there had to be a drawback to winning a game of Twister against Death, this had to be it, right?"
Celestia groaned. "Sometimes, I think he threw that game knowing the hassle it would cost me." The two sisters approached Celestia's quarters, the large doors opening as Celestia stepped inward. "Starswirl warned me that if you make bargains with superior forces that they would always win. For a while I thought him wrong. I now understand just how right he was, and I bet he's laughing his head off in Tartarus."
Luna sighed. "It's so sad to know of his passing... he was-"
Celestia blinked. "Huh? Oh, no, he isn't dead." She bit her lip and looked around. "I may have banished him to Tartarus... as a prank..."
Luna looked upon her sister with wide eyes. "You sent our oldest, dearest friend to Hell... as a prank!?"
The two sisters stared at each other for a moment. And then Luna grinned. "Nice! I imagine he'll have a good laugh when he comes back..." Luna frowned. "Assuming that the rumors of time not having inertia aren't true and that, upon his release, he doesn't turn to dust."
Celestia smiled. "I sat a whoopie cushion exactly where I figure he'll re-appear."
"What is this all about?"
"I don't know, but I'm confused and it's dark and I have no idea why Luna wanted us to sit on top of this dusty old tower beneath the stars."
"Eeyup."
Several ponies sat around, looking up at the stars, wondering what the lunar princess wanted of them. Twilight Sparkle rubbed the back of her neck for a moment. "This feels familiar. Like something I've read from a book somewhere, but I can't quite recall..."
"All I know..." said Rainbow Dash, hooves crossed, "Is that this better be cool."
Suddenly, a chariot appeared over the horizon. Pulled by two lunar guards in dark armor, it landed, and the princess of the night herself stepped forth, flaring her wings. "Thank you, my loyal subjects and fellow princess Twilight!" Her voice boomed with the Canterlot Voice. "Tonight is a great occasion... for tonight... I wish that all would engage in mass coitus in my honor!"
The various ponies' eyes widened, and then they exchanged glances.
"Oh look at the time! I'd best go make sure Spike is in bed!" Twilight Sparkle's horn glowed and she disappeared in a burst of light.
"I'm flattered but I'm also happily married and I want it to stay that way!" Shouted Cheese Cake as he made a run for it.
Rainbow Dash looked around as everypony started leaving. "Aww... that's no fun..." With that, she flapped her wings and took off.
Luna watched as all but a select few ponies left and frowned. She sighed and took notice of Lyra, Caramel, Pinkie Pie, and Pokey Pierce. "Well... I guess it's a start..."
"True that!" Pinkie bounced. "Now, first question, what is coitus?"
Luna frowned. "The act of love making."
"Oh!" Pinkie grinned wide. Suddenly her eyes widened and her mouth formed an 'o'. "Oh.." She blushed and giggled madly. "Oh! I get it!" She left the tower giggling and snorting and blushing wildly, but left nontheless.
"Well, I'm out." Lyra turned and left as well.
Caramel and Pokey Pierce looked at each other. Luna sighed and frowned. "Just leave." The two stallions nodded and hurried away, leaving the lunar princess alone. "Well... this was a total waste."
END
Author's Note
Trying to learn a thing or two about writing... let's see how I mangled this one!
