Twilight OP pls nerf

by SpiritDutch

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Spike, Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6
Length: 22797

Twilight Sparkle, an alicorn god-princess, comes to Ponyville. Will she make friends there and learn the meaning of magic? No. She's a jerk.

Why is Twilight Sparkle best pony?
To answer that is like answering why the sky is blue? Something about wavelengths, I think.

Twilight Sparkle was born an alicorn. And not just an alicorn, but an alicorn princess. And not just an alicorn princess, but the most powerful alicorn princess that ever existed, will exist, and could conceivably exist. So naturally, Twilight bums off Princess Celestia.

But one day, Twilight discovers a prophesy that changes everything. But not really, because Twilight is eternal. But she finds this prophesy right, about Nightmare Moon. So she goes to Ponyville.

And that is where our story begins. Actually a little before that, because the introduction is Twilight finding the prophesy about Nightmare Moon. So she was in the garden and she found it, right, the prophesy.
Good lord are you still reading the description? Just read the darn story if you wanna, or piss off.

Published 2014-05-13 22:50:04 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-10 06:52:43 UTC

They say 'Friendship is Magic'. They're kinda dumb. Part 1

Twiligh OP ples nerf

Twilight Sparkle, mighty god alicorn, lay lazily on in the grass of Canterlot's garden. The shade of a tree and the cool stream nearby offered respite from the sweltering heat, but Twilight was a level 9.01*10^3 alicorn princess, so she cared little for such pettiness as the collision of atoms causing heat.

Her casual interest at this moment was a history book. Being an omnipotent god did not make you omniscient after all, unless you willed yourself to be so, but Twilight didn't want to cheat like that. Finding the chapters about some chumps named Discord and Tirek to be boring, Twilight turned to a page entitled “Nightmare Moon”. As interested as one such as herself could be in such things, she read through the entire chapter.

-

Spike was lounging in the library of Twilight's wing of Canterlot Castle, snacking on jewels while reading comic books. If Twilight had been been born a moral unicorn instead of the kwisatz haderach in pony form, Spike would have been shelving books. However, Twilight could (and did) shelve every book in the entire universe with a single thought, so he had nothing to do.

Twilight came into being in the center of her massive library.

“Hello Spike.” She said.

Spike looked up from his comic. “Hi Twilight. I thought you had set aside this time for reading?”

“Apparently Celestia had an evil sister, whom she banished to the moon. This sister will be returning soon, so we're going to a village called Ponyville to greet her.”

“Wow how'd you learn that?”

“Well, I found an interesting tidbit about the Mare in the Moon in my book. When that book proved insufficient for me, I teleported every book in existence about her to my location, and read those. Then I asked Celestia about Nightmare... The Mare in the Moon's name is Nightmare Moon, by the way. So I asked Celestia, but she was reluctant to talk about it, so I read her mind.

“Anyway, Nightmare will be let out of her lunar prison tomorrow night, at Celestia's old castle. I could postpone that date, but I don't feel like it. The closest population center to the castle is a village called Ponyville. We're going to go prepare a wondrous feast for her. Oh, and we'll be recovering an ancient super-weapon called the Elements of Harmony, in case the feast doesn't turn her from her evil ways.”

“Couldn't you send Celestia to do this? Couldn't you do everything from here? Couldn't you just force her to be good?” Spike whined. “Why do we have to go?”

“Common Spike, I can't solve every problem out of hand. Well, I could, but that would be boring.” Twilight replied. “So get up off your butt, I've already packed in the time you've been talking.”

-

Applejack moved from tree to tree, bucking them. The apples fell, and landed in buckets. Applejack took these buckets, emptied them into barrels, and returned to the orchard. Applejack moved from tree to tree...

“Hello there.” Applejack head a voice. She looked up.

Twas an alicorn, lavender of coat and purple of mane. Beside her was a very annoying looking purple and green dragon.

“Hey there. Need somthin?” Applejack asked.

“Honestly, no.” The alicorn replied. “But I'd like something. I'd like some food for a feast, and your establishment seems to be the biggest food provider in this hamlet.”

“You need me to provide food fer feast?” Applejack asked.

“You keep saying 'need'. I don't need anything. It's about wants. I want you to provide food for a feast.” The alicorn said. “I think flawed and natural food would be charming and welcoming. You are making this much more difficult than it has to be.”

“What are y'all talkin about?” Applejack was very confused.

The alicorn sighed. “Oh, you don't want to? Fine. I'll just magically create the food like always. So passé.” She evaporated before Applejack's eyes.

“Ah really need to lay off the cider...”

-

Twilight and Spike reappeared in the center of Ponyville “This sky is abysmally kept. I'll fix that.” Every cloud above Ponyville disappeared in a subtle burst of magic.

“AAAAAAA!!” A cyan blur fell out of the sky, landing in a muddy puddle at Twilight's feet.

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “Seems this road is hazardous. That'll need work too.”

“What gives!” Yelled the mare in the puddle. “I was using that cloud!”

Twilight looked over the mud covered pegasus. “My apologies, let me fix that for you.”

A column of water from the river splashed over the muddy mare. Twilight could now see a light blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and tail. A sudden gale of wind ripped across the street, drying the water still on her coat.

Spike broke into giggles at the frizzy windblown nature of the mare's hair. The mare sat on the road and crossed her forhooves expectantly.

“Oh, you want your mane fixed too? Sorry, I don't do natural disasters.” Twilight said, brushing past the mare. The rainbow pegasus followed Twilight with her eyes.

Once the alicorn was out of earshot Rainbow Dash whispered. “What a jerk.”

From across the river and around a corner, Twilight's voice boomed. “THAT'S GOING IN THE BOOK.”

-

Twilight and Spike entered the town pavilion. At it's stage stood a white and purple unicorn, who was defiling the civic space with ribbons and glitter.

“Hello!” The unicorn enthused. “My name is Rarity!”

“Wow, you're really pretty!” Spike gushed.

Twilight clicked her tongue reprimandingly. “No touching Spike, you have no idea what you might catch.” Spike turned away downcast, and Twilight faced the unicorn. “Is this your home?”

“No.” Rarity answered.

“Is this your workplace?” Twilight asked.

“No, my work is in the same building as my home.” Rarity answered.

Twilight inspected the ribbons disgracing the frames and fixtures of the pavilion. “Then why are you doing this? Don't you have anything better to do than desecrating this public space? What would happen Nighmare Moon saw this, right now? She'd be uncomfortable, and it'd be awkward, and I'd be humiliated, that's what'd happen. It should to be at least three times darker. And moodier. And just a bit evil as well.”

Rarity was upset. “I spent all morning beautifying town hall, and I won't take any abuse from anypony, not even a princess.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yeah whatever.” With a wave of her horn, the pavilion was transformed into a sanctuary of the night, with black and purple banners hanging along the walls. Every curtain was drawn, and the only light where the candles suspended in midair.

Rarity took one look and fainted. Twilight was confused as to why before she noticed the pony skulls mounted above every door. “Hmm, too evil?” With another pulse of magic, the skulls disappeared.

“Please don't disturb any of the decorations or I will be rather upset.” Twilight said to the unconscious Rarity before leaving.

-

Fluttershy heard a knock at her door. “I'm coming.” She said, putting aside her needlework and picking herself up off the couch.

Another knock. “I'm on my way.” She carefully weaved around the animals carpeting her floor as she worked her way towards the door.

Instead of a third knock, a tremendous blast of energy impacted Fluttershy's door, disintegrating it. On the other side stood a purple alicorn and a purple dragon.

“Does guest custom mean anything anymore?” The alicorn said, strolling through the empty doorframe.

“I'm sorry.” Fluttershy said.

“Eh.” The alicorn shrugged, seating herself on Fluttershy's couch. Her dragon accompaniment stood off to the side. “I'm Twilight Sparkle. I need a grand orchestra to preform for my feast for Nightmare Moon, but it seems your bird orchestra is the best I can do.”

Fluttershy considered this. “I don't know, it's rather late in the day and I wouldn't want to pull my bird friends out of their homes.”

Twilight lit up her horn, and every surface of Fluttershy house became covered in birds. Panicked by their sudden and unexpected teleportation, the birds scattered. Twilight looked impassively on as the room was filled with wings and deafening squawks.

Fluttershy covered her ears and curled up on the floor to avoid the birdnado. Twilight was saying something, but Fluttershy couldn't hear. The whirlwind of birds slowly escaped out of the door and windows.

“There go the birds.” Twilight observed. “I brought them right to you, and you let them slip through your grasp. I don't wonder if that's an analogy for your entire life.” Twilight sighed, getting off the couch. She and Spike disappeared in a flurry of magic.

Fluttershy was left in the floor of her home, surrounded by alarmed animals and bird droppings. The door of her home remained in the aether where Twilight had sent it, and the room gradually lost it's heat.

-

Twilight flew low over the houses of Ponyville, Spike on her back.

“I suppose you could built the castle over there, next to the windmill.” Spike pointed. “Right in range of the gem store.”

“But then the mill will block my view. Unless I knock it down.” Twilight contemplated.

“Twilight, you can see through walls, I'm sure mill blades won't bother you. Look at how big the yard would be.” Spike said gesturing over the green expanse at the edge of town.

“I know for a fact you haven't spent a minute outside in two years I haven't been carrying you for.”

“I think the riverside location would really add to the property value as well.”

'You're really trying to sell the mill lot aren't you.” Twilight sighed. With a deft swing of her horn, the Ponyville windmill was blasted apart into a million splinters.

“Hey look, a tree house!” Spike squeaked. “I've always wanted a tree house.”

Twilight looked down into Ponyville center, to an old oak with a home cut into it's trunk. “That'll work too.”

She landed at the front of the great tree. 'Golden Oaks' the door read.

“I can't complain about the location, but the tree lacks a certain scale I'm used too. Needs an upgrade.” Twilight charged her horn, and struck the tree with a fiery blast.

In the wake of the blast were fifty screaming ponies, flailing and panicking to escape the flames around them. Somepony had apparently called a gathering in the tree library, and now the party had turned to ash along with some of it's attendees.

“Oops, I should have checked for mortals.” Twilight brought a hoof to her face.

“But you can see through walls.” Spike chided. “You did that on purpose.”

“Well sometimes I don't see ponies if I'm not paying attention, Spike.” Twilight snapped at him. “You'll know what I mean when you control the forces of creation. Oh wait, you won't.”

Spike groaned in annoyance. “Just put out those burning ponies then.”

Twilight magically extinguished and brushed aside the ponies still alive, and resurrected and brushed aside the dearly departed. The charred remains of Golden Oaks Library were pulled up by the roots and tossed past the town limits. Twilight set about assembling a new tree out of magically conjured crystal and obsidian.

“What happened? One minute Im partying and...” A pinkie pony wandered over to where Twilight was working. “I saw a bright light, and then a long tunnel.”

“I accidentally killed you. Sorry about that.” Twilight replied without turning.

“I saw everything, the junctures and fissures between worlds.” The pink one breathed.

Four more ponies joined the pink pony (Who for narrative’s sake you now know is Pinkie Pie).

“I made a feast like you asked.” Applejack said. “Where do you want me to deliver it.”

“That's not until tomorrow. Great job on that.” Twilight responded, as she began to shape the height of her new crystal-tree-castle's battlements.

“Can you please bring the clouds back.” Rainbow Dash pleaded. “I'm out of a job right now if you don't.”

“Fine, just don't slack off again.” Twilight summoned a colossal nimbus directly above Ponyville, and soon the town was drenched in rain.

“Some weird ponies are preforming satanic rituals in the darkness shrine formerly known as town hall.” Rarity informed Twilight.

Twilight, who was inspecting prospective crystalline thrones, flicked her horn. “Not anymore.”

“Thank you, I think.” Rarity looked in the direction of town hall, from which feint screams could be heard.

Fluttershy approached slowly. “Um, it's raining and, um, you still have my door. So um, my foyer is, uhm, really exposed, and wet.”

Twilight turned to face Fluttershy, and as she turned the mass of metal beams she carried turned with her, nearly hitting Pinkie Pie.

“So you want me to stop what I'm doing then, to solve your problems?” Twilight asked.

Fluttershy looked at the ground, the rain making it a much sadder scene than it'd have been otherwise. “N- No.”

“Do you think your door and your foyer are more important than a castle.” Twilight chided.

Fluttershy cowered, whimpering. “No.”

Twilight scowl wobbled, then broke. She began to laugh, and the mass of metal beams she carried wobbled and bounced with her, nearly hitting Pinkie Pie.

“I'm just messing with you.” Twilight ribbed as her horn lit up momentarily. “I just replaced your door, and I did it retroactively.”

Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak but disappeared in a pop of magic. Twilight frowned, wondering offhand what strange knot of causality she had created. “I guess she didn't have a reason to come since her door is intact. Oh, wait, there she is.”

Fluttershy approached the group, bogged down by a heavy bag. “I brought some more birds, like you asked.” She opened the bag, and a spate of birds erupted from within. Then the bag was empty. “Well I tried.” Fluttershy said sadly.

“Is your door back?” Twilight asked.

Fluttershy's eye's widened. “We do not speak of the door, everlasting guardian of the threshold of existence.”

“I think you replaced the door more retroactively than you intended.” Spike said to Twilight. “Now it exists across all of space and time.”

“My mistake.” Twilight mumbled, turning back to her castle construction.

“What just happened?” Applejack asked.

“Today I learned that messing with the flow of time has unpredictable and interesting side effects.” Twilight explained as she put the finishing touches on her balconies.

“You learned that lesson already, when you propagated your original alicorn powers to the moment of your birth, thus causing a temporal-causal reaction the logical conclusion of which was for you to receive godlike power at every moment of existence.” Spike chided.

“Well I learn better by example.” Twilight responded. “There, all done.”

The Golden Oaks Library had been a tastefully humble building, perfectly suited to it's quant neighbors in Ponyville. Twilight Castle was a towering behemoth of a tree, made of glistening crystal and black marble. It's topmost spire punctured the nimbus cloud layer, and it's shadow would cover half of the town below it if it had it not been overcast. Truly it was a monument to arrogance and ego.

“No pool?” Spike asked.

Twilight ignored him, wandering into her new residence. Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy looked to each other, and then to the massive crystal tree-castle.

“That's my maw callin...” Applejack said, retreating from the group.

“I think I left my stove on.” Rarity turned and galloped back to her home.

“I saw the light.” Pinkie Pie said emptily. “The light at the end of the tunnel.”

“This is seriously uncool.” Rainbow Dash scowled at the castle and the layer of nimbus clouds over Ponyville. “I'm going home.” She dashed off.

“I think I hear the door calling to me again.” Fluttershy flicked her ear towards her home. “It needs attention.”

“The light... SO pretty.” Pinkie idly followed Fluttershy towards her home.

Spike kicked at the wet dirt in frustration. “I really wanted a pool.” Eventually he followed Twilight into her unnecessarily large and obnoxious castle, and shut the door behind him.

Author's Note

I foresee this going in the direction of abuseporn. That, or Twilight solving every problem in Ponnyville with lasers to the tune of 'X Gunna Give it to Ya'.

Twilight Sparkle's 'Friendship is Magic' Part II, Gaiden

All characters belong to me, not Hasbro. Yes. All me.
All OCs belong to me do not steal.
Twilight Sparkle is my waifu do not steel.
Copyright year 20XX by the Spirit Dutch East India Company.

P.S. Please Hasbro I was only kidding, don't sue me.
P.P.S. But really though, Twilight is my waifu. Back off.

It was lonely in the bedroom tower of Twilight's abomination of a castle. Though the crystal tree was dark and unlit, the town a hundred feet below the windows still glistened in the night, the homes alive with revelry. Twilight had never liked the Summer Sun Celebration. Twilight had never liked any celebration.

Or so she told herself. Tucked away at the back of her mind was a yearning, a hidden and repressed memory. One upon a time she had been a silly filly, with all the joys and fascinations silly fillies had. The pony now peering through the windowsill was a haughty, cynical, and unfriendly being.

She felt numb. She knew if she went down to where the ponyvillians where living it up, she would be as distant as if she was in her castle. Twilight could never find words which where not reproachful or biting. Her every act was extreme or unnecessary. Her every thought was of weighed down by apathy.

Yet a burning indignation welled within Twilight. The nerve! The little ponies, lives so fleeting and meaningless, celebrate the wrinkled has-been Celestia. Why did nopony throw a Twilight celebration? Twilight stopped moving or breathing, until the rage muddied back into apathy: Anger had never been a friend to an all powerful being.

Ponies hadn't always disgusted Twilight, though she was never really interested in them. Spike and Shining Armor had always been her rocks during her youth. But ever since her formal coronation Twilight could nearly taste Shiny's nervousness and discomfort, his unspoken rejection. Then Spike had become a spoiled brat, but Twilight mollified him because he was all she had.

Twilight couldn't stand her humble home anymore, her smiling parents. She had relented to Celestia's invitations to the school for gifted unicorns, but found nothing for herself there. Independent study made Twilight skilled to complement her power, but petty little Celestia was more interested in life lessons and morals. Twilight had grown embittered by the perceived unappreciation.

Twilight questioned why she was here, in some gods forsaken hamlet out in the boonies. Nightmare Moon would be no more a friend to her than Celestia. But Twilight, uncharacteristically, clung to hope, hope that two misanthropes would find comfort with one another.

Twilight conjured a clock. Dawn was coming. Twilight, despite needing no sleep, still confined her action within the circadian rhythms of the lesser ponies. However luxurious sleep often eluded her in favor of nights of clenched rumination.

Twilight waited. Dawn didn't come. Twilight heard screaming from the town hall turned darkness shrine. She snorted in annoyance. Nightmare's night had been today after all. Oops.

Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash cowered in fear as dark lightning and dark haze filled the already dark and foreboding town hall. An enormous black alicorn, Nightmare Moon, laughed maniacally from the balcony.

"Remember this day, little ponies, for it will be your last! THE NIGHT-"

"Can I stop you right there? I'd like to have a word" A pony interrupted from the back of the room. It was Twilight Sparkle. With cranky looking dragon pet in tow, she began to approach the raised position of the other alicorn. Everypony groaned in anticipatory pain.

"Who are you?!" Nightmare Moon screamed.

"Yeah hi. I'm Twilight Sparkle, god princess extraordinaire. You're new here, so I'll cut you some slack, but this crap..." Twilight gestured to the swirling darkness and lightning. "Cut that out. It's obnoxious."

Nightmare seemed taken aback. "What is this, a joke?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "I wish. Anyway, as much as I sympathize with your angst, you're messing up my meticulously crafted spooky decorations. I personally banished death cultists from here to keep it looking nice. Nice-ish. So yeah, if you could get down from there and join in the stupid party with the rest of the stupid ponies, I'd be happy... happier... not quite so depressed."

Nightmare's left eye began to twitch at her pure fury. "How DARE YOU act that way to me! I am NIGHTMARE MOON, and I have already banished one princess today!" Her voice lowered dangerously. "After I am done with you, you will wish you had been the second."

Twilight frowned the slight frown of a pony who sees their pet rock sink to the bottom of a river. "Is this going to be the conclusion to my masterful plan to make you my friend? With you putzing around and me sighing in frustration." She sighed resignedly, then her frown deepened. "Fine then. Be that way. Whatever, see if I care. I won't! You can go and buck yourself for all I care you stupid baka!"

Twilight turned heal and marched out of the hall, Spike tripping over himself to escape behind her.

The remaining ponies watched Twilight go, then looked fearfully back to Nightmare. Nightmare's face was contorted by fury the likes of which exist in no hell. With a cacophonous crash of lightning, the alicorn transformed into a cloud of inky blackness and zipped out of the room.

The door of the castle was open, so the ponies let themselves in. The interior was no less gaudy then the interior, though it was difficult to see anything in the minimal light.

"Princess Twilight? Y'all in there?" Applejack called through the empty halls. The only response were echoes.

"I don't know about the rest of you, but I am hesitant to wander in unfamiliar surroundings such as these." Rarity said with reservation. "Especially with a crazy and possibly homicidal alicorn on the loose."

"Do y'all mean Nightmare or Twilight?" Applejack asked, to which Rarity rolled her eyes.

"Don't be silly girls, its just a big empty castle." Pinkie said jovially. "And there are much more horrifying things in this world."

"Like doors." Fluttershy agreed.

"Why are we even here? Why do we want this jerk's help?" Rainbow asked.

"Yeah, some of us are not so eager as you to face death. Again." Pinkie agreed.

Rainbow nodded. "There's got to be a better pony than princess purple. Like Celestia."

The hall was illuminated by unseen lights, and Twilight Sparkle appeared before them with a flashless teleportation.

"Because your attention span is only so-so, I can forgive you missing the part where Celestia has departed from this world." Twilight pointed out the window to the lingering night. "But am deeply, deeply hurt that you would say that she could possibly do anything better than I could."

"Oh yeah? Why don't you raise the sun then?" Rainbow challenged.

"Ah gee you got me there." With a flick of her horn, Twilight lowered the moon and raised the sun, the sudden change in the light level blinding everypony. Moments later, the moon struggled it's way back into the sky and the sun lowered.

"Nightmare Moon is being a real ass about this whole eternal night thing. That's her endgame, by the way. Eternal night. Completely stupid in a way I would only expect from Celestia, I know." Twilight sighed. "Point is I don't feel like spending every thirteenth second of my life raising the sun, like Nightmare is determined to do with the moon. Hatred makes ponies just tiringly determined."

"So, what're you gunna do about her then?" Applejack asked.

Twilight shrugged and started walking down the hall, everypony following close behind. "In a couple of days I had planned to send somepony to fetch the Elements of Harmony and use them on her. Do any of you know a paragon of virtue who could possibly use an ancient superweapon?"

"An ancient superweapon?" Pinkie asked?

"The most super." Twilight confirmed.

"You can't do it?" Rarity asked.

Twilight laughed. "Oh believe me, if I could I would, and I would totally abuse it. I've never been able to banish Celestia for longer than ten seconds. Nightmare was gone for a thousand years, which is a dramatic improvement over ten seconds."

Applejack looked disturbed. "And y'all want somepony to bring you these elements to banish Nightmare Moon?"

"Goodness no. Anypony with half a brain would use them to banish me as well as Nightmare. I expect the elements to be politely returned to their resting place in the Everfree Forest as soon as they're no longer needed."

Everypony looked slowly from Twilight to one another.

"Good luck on finding that paragon of virtue." Rarity said, backing away slowly.

"See ya later!" Applejack said, following Rarity.

Rainbow and Pinkie left without a word, but Fluttershy clapped her hooves together and bowed.

"May the door be with you." She said before trotting away.

Twilight watched them go, then she teleported her way up to her study. She looked out her window. Down below, five ponies were making their way towards the Everfree Forest.

-

Not five minutes into the dark and foreboding Everfree Forest, the five kinda-friends began to have doubts.

"Do y'all think banishing Nightmare is worth facing death by scary haunted forest?" Applejack asked.

"No, which is why we're going to face the scary haunted forest to banish Twilight Sparkle." Pinkie said as she bounced ahead of her.

"Pinkie Pie, Nightmare has plunged the world into eternal night. Don't you think that takes priority?" Rarity asked.

Pinkie looked serious for a moment. "Twilight literally killed me, and if that wasn't enough she didn't apologize."

"Actually I think she did." Rarity responded.

"Oh." Pinkie became contemplative. "Then I guess we can solve the eternal night thing first."

"Yeah, but we are going to do it right? Banish Twilight?" Rainbow looked between the others for confirmation.

"I don't know. The door says never to let others linger in the the rain." Fluttershy responded. "Allegorically, that means we should let Twilight into our homes and hearts."

"There's no rain on the moon." Rainbow replied haughtily. "She should be fine there."

"Let us do what we all can agree on, namely banishing Nightmare, and deal with Twilight when it becomes important." Rarity said, forging ahead.

The others followed. They followed the forest path up a hill and onto a ridge. From this elevated spot all of the forest could be seen. The crystalline spire of Twilight's castle could be barely distinguished in the distance by moonlight.

"Did anypony else realize that we have no idea where we're goin?" Applejack said, surveying the vast unbroken forest canopy.

"I think we all realized that, but were too embarrassed to say so." Fluttershy whispered. "I can't see anything through the treeline. We're lost."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "We aren't lost. You're thinking two-dimensionally."

"Too dimensionally for what?" Applejack asked.

Instead of answering, Rainbow took to the skies.

"I see a thing in the trees!" Rainbow called down excitedly.

"What manor of thing?" Rarity asked.

"A stone thing, like a castle or something. It's on the other side of a river."

"Have you ever had that thing where if you say a thing so many times, it sounds all weird?" Pinkie asked the group. "Because I'm totally experiencing that thing with the word 'thing' right now. Thing thing thing, thi-ing. Thi thi thi, ing ing ing."

As if to punish everypony for the sheer weight of Pinkie's annoyance, the bluff collapsed.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" They all screamed, except for Rainbow was flying and whose scream was more like "NNNNNYYYAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA!"

The four tumbled and rolled off the rocky bluff. Rainbow swooped down and picked up Applejack, but the rest continued their uncontrolled decent to the ground.

"That lasted a lot about as long as I expected." Suddenly, Twilight Sparkle appeared, and grabbed the falling ponies in her telekinetic magic. She lowered them to within a meter of the ground, then dumped them unceremoniously. "But I'm still a bit disappointed."

"What the hay is this!" Rainbow put Applejack down and landed in Twilight's face. "Have you been following us?!"

"Attentively if not physically." Twilight confirmed. "Contrary to popular belief, I can reign in my negligence when it suites me. Besides it would be poor form if I, as the quest-giver, let you die horribly." She looked at Pinkie. "Again."

"I would thank you, but only five minutes ago I was talking about banishing you to the moon and I would guess that you heard that too." Rarity kicked at the dirt.

"Yeah whatever. I doubt you could, but I wouldn't blame you for trying. I'd banish me." Twilight said nonchalantly. "So anyway I'm here now, but you should still go get the elements as if you're retrieving them under your own initiative."

Pinkie looked between Fluttershy, still traumatized from her fall, and Rainbow, who stared aggressively at Twilight. "This adventure stopped being fun."

"We're way out of our depth here." Applejack agreed. "We need to go home."

Twilight was unmoved. "It was my mistake to give you the impression you had a choice." She conjured a whip and cracked it menacingly. "Now mush."

Applejack eyed Twilight warily. "Y'all are an ugly pony. On the inside."

Twilight cringed, then snickered.. She waved the whip limply. "Harsh words from a silly pony. But at least you're honest. Now git y'-all."

The other begrudgingly started along the path before them in the under brush. The forest canopy grew patchy, until they came upon a clearing five minutes later.

Twilight slowed to a stop. "Hold up ponies, there's a manticore up ahead. Don't startle it or it's liable to be aggressive."

"Are you sure about your sensor powers, princess? Because earlier you couldn't detect a party's worth of ponies." Pinkie challenged.

A roar sounded from the other side of the clearing, and a monstrously large chimera beast leapt into the moonlight.

Twilight's mouth contorted into a smug smile. "At this point saying 'I told you so' would be redundant."

"But you did just say it." Fluttershy pointed out. Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to speak but her voice was instead occupied howling in pain as the manticore batted her across the clearing with it's paw.

Twilight surveyed the scene as the other ponies descended into panic and sporadic attacks against the manticore. Rarity and Applejack alternated bucks on either side, as Rainbow regained her footing and dive bombed the poor lion-scorpion.

"Please stop them!" Fluttershy implored Twilight. "He's just cranky because he's in pain!"

Twilight winced in sympathetic pain as Applejack landed a particularly solid strike on the manticore's ribs. "Yeah he's in pain alright. Hey you ponces! Stop beating up on the defenseless abomination!"

Rarity ducked under a lash by a venomous stinger tail. "I'm not sure letting up is the best option at this point."

Twilight sighed, and released a torrent of magical bolts on the melee. The ponies and the manticore were knocked to the ground. She waved Fluttershy forward. "You're up, butterfly."

The manticore was badly bruised and beaten. Twilight's magical kinetic bolt seemed to be the last straw, and now the beast lay unconscious on the dirty forest floor.

"I don't know anymore." Fluttershy admitted, tearing up slightly. "I'm really only qualified for daily care and first aid."

"Nice going jackasses." Twilight said, stepping up to the recovering ponies. "Now euthanasia is the only option."

"Or you could heal him." Pinkie suggested.

Twilight rolled her eyes, an act which had been catching on in Equestria. "I was being sarcastic. I'm not going to let such a majestic creature die because everypony was too eager to resort to violence."

In a flash of purple energy, the manticore was restored to pristine condition, save for a thorn embedded in it's paw. Fluttershy pulled out the thorn and tossed it out of the clearing.

Twilight would have given Fluttershy a sarcastic thumbs up, but since she lacked the digits to do so she settled for a bro nod of approval. Then she stepped around the still unconscious manticore and resumed her trot down the path. "Quit gawking everypony. Time's a waisting and the eternal night isn't getting any younger."

"I don't know how to feel right now." Rainbow admitted.

Rarity agreed. "I did beat an animal to within an inch of it's life, but Twilight could have easily intervened sooner."

"Who's the real monster here?" Applejack asked thoughtfully.

The contemplative moment was interrupted by Twilight yelling back at the stragglers. "If I have to wait on somepony, this forest will become very unpleasant very quickly."

-

It had been what seemed like hours in the endless forest. Twilight had started telling stories.

"...but no taxis would stop for me, and thats when I burned Manehattan down for the second time. Suffice to say, Celestia stopped inviting me on her diplomatic trips."

"I read about that." Fluttershy said wide-eyed. "It was a national tragedy."

"Tell me about it. I started having to pay for my own travel." Twilight nodded. "Celestia looked at me all sad, with her big stupid eyes, and said 'She who pens the law must hold the quill'. God I hate her so much. It's as if she is completely incapable of not being passive aggressive."

"I'm surprised at you for keeping your castle smaller than Canterlot." Rarity joked.

"Eh, I perfectly crafted it to be visible from Canterlot, but not so large you can tell what it is. So Celestia will look down from her mountain and wonder 'What is that?'. And it will bug her all day, until she goes up to her telescope. She will see it through the telescope, and she'll pull back in sheer surprise, and then say 'Really, Twilight?'. I did that with a cow once."

"You pranked a cow?" Pinkie asked.

"Nah, I made it stupid large and dropped it on Canterlot. I live for the moments where Celestia starts questioning her sanity for suffering me to exist."

The ponies stepped into a particularly dark part of the forest. However everypony seemed to focused on Twilight to notice.

"Only problem is that Celestia is banished right now." Applejack pointed out.

Twilight was stopped in her tracks by the realization that Celestia would never see her most obnoxious practical joke yet as long as she was moon-side. As she mulled over this conundrum, the other five increasingly became aware of the frightening faces carved into the grove around them.

"Girls, I think we might have to bring Celestia back." Twilight conceded. Her word where met by yells of fear. "Ok, I get you're upset but that screaming is really obnoxious." She said, before following their eyes to the grim visages in the woods around them. Joining in their fearful screams, Twilight began blasting the faces one by one with purple lasers. Her screams turned to aggressive roars. "Eat dirt, Nightmares!"

Everypony began scream more in fear of the lasers than of the trees. It was only after every tree was left a burning stump did they stop. Pinkie began to giggle. Then she began to laugh. The other ponies laughed modestly with her.

"OH HO HO HO HO HA HA HA HA! They're all dead. Ha ha!" Pinkie said, and all the other ponies stopped laughing. "HEHAHAHAHA!!"

"Just doing my job." Twilight said, oblivious to increasingly distraught tone of the incessant laughter.

"Hehehehehehehe!"

"Pinke," Rarity said, unnerved. "Are you alright?"

"Hee hee hee hee hee." Pinkie giggled, falling to the ground. "Gone, all of them, erased from this earth!"

"I think reacting to needless destruction with amusement is a perfectly reasonable reaction." Twilight said.

"Haha! Haha! Haha!" Pinkie was laughing so hard she began to choke.

"Pinkie..." Applejack began to say.

"Give her a second." Twilight commanded.

Pinkie's laughter wound down, and she was left breathless on the ground. Then she looked at the charred husks of the trees, and burst into hysterical giggles again.

"Holy Twilight, Pinkie Pie," Twilight grimaced. "It's the element of laughter, not the element of insanity. And I pretty sure the laughter part is metaphorically representative of optimism anyway."

"The element of what?" Rarity seemed intrigued.

Twilight seemed annoyed momentarily before realization spread across her face. Then the annoyance returned. "I never gave the Elements of Harmony spiel, did I?"

"Well you mentioned the Elements of Harmony, but not the Element of Laughter." Rarity replied.

Twilight seemed relived, then annoyed again. It would have been easier at this point to describe HRH Twilight Sparkle as constantly annoyed. "Maybe if you used freakin context clues you would infer that the Element of Laughter is one of the Elements of Harmony. Gods almighty, what were you expecting? Nitrogen? Or radon perhaps?"

"Then what are the other Elements?" Fluttershy asked.

"Ahem." Twilight cleared her throat while she conjured a book. The book was badly burned, and one could only assume it was a survivor of Twilight's genocide at the Ponyville library.
"Honesty which is code for integrity, Kindness, Laughter though secretly it's optimism, generosity, loyalty, and one other super secret element. But spoiler alert, I read Celestia's mind and it's magic. Obvious anyway. I could have totally figured it out by myself."

"Y'all weren't kiddin about needin a paragon of virtue then." Applejack said.

Twilight laughed. "Yes and no. Not all at once at least. It can pick and choose from multiple ponies. Like a buffet, or Celestia at a baking contest."

"So what yur tellin me is, this journey is pointless because you coulda found the elements right in other ponies? Or are ya gunna tell me this is a journey of self discovery, and we're the ponies of harmony?" Applejack spoke angrily.

"No, they're a real weapon, with real, physical components." Twilight struggled to keep her anger at being questioned in check. "Just stop bugging me and you'll have your answers, eventually."

"When will that be?" Rarity asked.

"The rebanishing of Nightmare Moon, obviously." Twilight began to yell into the forest. "Hear that Nightmare? We're gunna kick your ass!"

The other ponies, with the exception of Pinkie who was still giggling on the ground, shook their head and restarted down the forest path. Twilight let them establish a lead before picking Pinkie up off the ground and dusting her off.

"Come on, Pinkie Pie." She sighed. "It won't work if you get left behind. Well, It might not work."

Pinkie wiped the last of her happy tears away. "It's okay princess, it only matters that your try."

Twilight's mouth wobbled into a thin smile. "Please call me Twilight Sparkle, or Twilight. I'm sorry I killed you earlier."

Pinkie patted her new friend on the back. "I was upset, but then you roasted those tree and I realized how funny mortality is. It wasn't madness Twilight, but optimism that made me laugh, because I realized that although we are as helpless as trees before death be it by disease or age or alicorn princesses, we should strive to live while we can. Thank you for killing me Twilight, so I can realize how valuable life is."

Twilight was tearing up at Pinkie impassioned speech. "That was beautiful, Pinkie Pie. I have never regretted being immortal until this moment."

"But also thanks for reviving me," Pinkie continued. "because staying dead would have been a bummer."

Twilight could only smile in response. She started back down the path at a brisk trot. "We need to catch up. Alons à la victoire!"

-

Twilight and Pinkie arrived on the heals of the others at the bank of a raging river. It was clear the others had been talking, as they cast glances between themselves and to Twilight. Twilight pretended not to notice.

"The ponies who can't fly will be checking for a ford farther downriver." Rarity announced. "The pegasi can prepare a camp on the opposite bank in that time."

"While I applaud your initiative, I insist you five stay together." Twilight said.

"I'm finding your commitment to remaining a passive observer lacking." Rarity replied. "Or didn't you want us to continue as though you were not here?"

"That was before I realized just how bad you all are at keeping to the vanilla script." Twilight said.

"I'm sorry, what?" Applejack balked.

"Ignore that, forget I said anything. Just know that Rarity has to address this problem by her own skill."

"So I'm using my organizational skill to organize everypony across the river." Rarity defended.

"And I should just accept this deviation? Is that what you want, a deviation?" Twilight asked accusingly.

"Not necessarily..."

"Admit it! You are a deviant! I bet all of you are." Twilight grumbled. "I look away for two seconds and you're all touching butts."

Though the others were amused Rarity was distraught at Twilight's accusations. "No! No! Nothing like that!"

"Then perhaps you could solve this right now then. And while you're at it you could be a little bit friendlier. Yes, friendlier. Hear that everpony, friendlier."

"Excuse me but could you have your little chat somewhere else? You are ruining my self-pitying crying!" Everypony turned to see an enormous water serpent who had not been there moments earlier.

"Buck off, buddy." Twilight growled, though she cast a glance at Rarity. "This forest has plenty of room to cry in."

"But don't you want to hear my sad, sad tale of grief and woe?" The serpent asked.

Twilight looked to Rarity again, then back at the serpent. "No. We're all pretty much completely unfriendly, aren't we girls."

"While I ain't entirely comfortable with letting Twilight speak for us, I happen to agree." Applejack said, turning to the serpent. "We're kinda busy tryin to find a way across this raging river."

The serpent shied away. "I've just been so upset... I didn't realize, but that is my fault."

"Cry me a river." Twilight barked. "But really, do that somewhere else, but not so far that Rarity here gets to skip her character development."

"Twilight dear, you're character enough for the both of us." Rarity mumbled.

As the giant serpent slinked away, Twilight

Author's Note

It was at this point I put down my tablet, looked at my hands, and said 'what the hell am I doing'.

Like really! Was I trying to turn what should be a crackfic into a respectable story with a plot and character development? Anyway, I'll come back to this anytime I get bored, but I seriously doubt I'll finish this chapter. Just fill in the blanks yourself I guess.

Nonconsensual Ticket Distribution

Three days later.

The sky over Ponyville where filled with the sound of a million vengeful trumpets, and clouds roiled and churned a violent red. A billion motes of purple light descended into town, and a shaft of light coursed to the ground.

The former site of the Golden Oak Library then short-lived crystal tree, now the spot of Ponyville Tree Library and Wedding Chapel MK 2, was lit up by this heavenly beam. The citizens of Ponyville approached cautiously, dazzled by the display. With a sound like rolling thunder, a silhouette appeared.

"Hi guys I'm back." Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped from the light. The vibrant light and sound show abruptly disappeared without a trace. Most everypony dispersed, with reactions ranging from disappointed cries to panicked screaming and galloping.

But five ponies and a dragon stayed.

"Hello Princess Twilight. Back from your honeymoon already?" Rarity greeted cheerfully.

"We only just finished cleaning up the crazy wedding." Pinkie expositioned.

"Oh, uh... Yeah. Luna and I decided to a trial separation period." Twilight said dolefully. "She's staying with Celestia and doesn't wan't me within several hundred miles, so I'll be crashing here for a few months."

Applejack could be seen passing a smug Rainbow Dash a sack of bits.

"Oh no, did something happen?" Fluttershy asked.

Twilight grimaced. "The real problem was how little happened."

"What'dya mean? Couldn't get it up in bed?" Rainbow Dash joked.

"Ok, that was inappropriate on multiple levels." Twilight said.

"Wholly unbecoming of you." Rarity agreed.

"Too soon." Applejack said.

"I laughed." Pinkie contributed.

"It was just that she was still a bit raw from the rainbow purging laser beam I-... I mean we, zapped her with. And the thousand years of banishment. And the recovery from being a physical embodiment of jealousy and night." Twilight whistled. "Basically, the marriage was a bit preemptive."

"Not to mention a wedding that nuts was a trauma in and of itself." Pinkie said.

"I told you Stolkhorn Syndrome is bunk." Rainbow Dash gloated.

"I'm also coming to realize she has the mental maturity of a eight year old." Twilight added. "She's regressed a bit from her time on the moon."

"Oh goodness." Rarity gasped. "That's awful!"

Twilight suddenly became very dour. "What is awful? Are you disparaging my wife?"

Rarity was in the throes of the default mental state of most ponies talking to Princess Twilight, confusion mixed with defensive horror. "No! I just wonder if that's a little young..."

"No no, it's ok because she's actually about a thousand." Twilight insisted.

"But you said her mental age..."

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. "What, do you hate eight year olds or something?"

"No."

"I love eight year olds." Twilight said. "I remember when I was eight, so naive and full of joy, innocent to the true hardship and horrors of the world..." She trailed off.

"But no divorce?" Applejack interrupted Twilight's ruminations.

"No not yet. That completely insane wedding already cost the state, like, a lot of dosh. We'll see if fondness makes the heart grow fonder," Twilight said. "or however that saying goes." She looked over the group. "So Spike, how've you been?"

Spike paddled up to his benefactor, scowling. "Starving, thanks for asking. Nopony's fed me in days!"

"I left you with two hundred bits."

"I can't eat those!"

Twilight shrugged. "We'll go out for Thai later or something. But right now I'm thinking about spending time with my friends."

"Ahem, when you say friends, you wouldn't be referring to us five would you?" Rarity asked skeptically.

"Oh, no." Twilight said patronizingly. "I found five other ponies with whom I went on a life changing adventure."

"What the hay, Rarity!? We were her best mares. Don't you consider her a friend?" Applejack accused.

"It's only because I thought you were above friends." Rarity defended. "I assumed you considered us servants or whipping-girls or some such."

"Or sexy slaves." Rainbow Dash laughed.

"Eh, Rarity's kinda right." Twilight said, drawing confused looks from everypony. "I use a very broad definition of friend."

"Good enough for me!" Pinkie smiled.

"Getting bored now." Twilight mimicked a yawn. "I'll associate and bond with you lot later, or maybe not. Don't call me, I'll call you." Spike and Twilight evaporated away into magical smoke.

-

Some time later.

Ponyville's Golden Oak Library MKII had been commandeered by Princess Twilight, much like it's predecessor-twin had. Except that this time the princess had settled for moving in instead of demolishing it and massacring everypony inside.

She was maxing relaxing on the couch, reading about alternate universes, when a small white card appeared in the air above her in a flash of yellow magic. Twilight pulled it from the air.

"Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria, is hereby invited to the formal coronation of Luna, Princess of Equestria. Please RSVP. Sincerely, Celestia."

Seconds later, two golden tickets appeared in the same way as the card had. Twilight looked them over, then yelled up to the second floor.
"Hey! Spike! Wanna come to my wife's coronation?"

Spike waddled over to the edge of the floor. "Not really."

Twilight frowned. "Too bad. If I go alone I'll look like a tool."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Then take one of your new 'friends'."

Twilight considered this. "See, I'm still hesitant to interact with them outside of a heavily regulated environment. What if i drive them away? I told Luna wouldn't mind control her much or anypony ever again, and I'm determined to keep my promises to her for at least the next few decades."

"Whatever. I'm not going."

"Fine. Good. Then you can stay and do laundry all that day." Twilight huffed, and teleported away before Spike could respond.

"Hey, Applejack. Wanna come to Luna's coronation in a couple days?"

Applejack paused from bucking an apple tree. "She invited you?"

Twilight shook her head. "Nah, Celestia did. Predictably, she misses my charming company and wants me back."

"I ain't doubtin it." Applejack replied dryly. "You're goin?"

"I just invited you along, stupid." Twilight bit.

"Just making small talk." Applejack glanced around.

"It'd be rude not to go, and I abhor rudeness." Twilight explained. "My invitation was for two."

"I be surprised if she wanted a humble farmer like me there." Applejack said. "You sure somepony else wouldn't be better?"

"So that's a no, you don't want to come." Twilight sighed.

"Ah ain't sayin that, just that you might find a better partner somewhere else." Applejack insisted.

Twilight goaded. "You know, you're right. I was a fool to think a country bumpkin layabout earth pony redneck like you would be the least bit interested in the upper echelons of society."

Applejack went back to bucking apple trees.

"This is the part where you are duped by my clever use of reverse psychology." Twilight said flatly. After several more seconds of silence she folded. "See you later then." Twilight sighed.

"Later."

-

"Hey, Rainbow Dash!"

"Hey yourself! I'm napping here." Rainbow yelled back down to Twilight.

Twilight flew up to Dash's cloud. "Wanna come with me to Canterlot for Luna's coronation?"

"Who was Luna again?" Rainbow asked.

"The princess formerly know as Nightmare Moon." Twilight pantomimed swirling darkness overtaking the bright and sunny lands of Equestria, only to be vanquished and transformed into a paragon of innocence. "Also, my legally if not emotionally bound spouse."

"Oh yeah!" Rainbow nodded. "With that super crazy wedding everypony tells me about. Honestly, I must have been so far gone, I don't even remember being there."

"Yes yes. So, will you come with me to Canterlot?" Twilight asked.

"Will there be a performance by the Wonderbolts?"

"No, this is a coronation not a rodeo." Twilight said. "Though perhaps if it had been a rodeo Applejack might have been more receptive to the idea. I could make it a rodeo..."

"Will you reunite with Luna all over the throne room?"

"Only consensually if at all, so probably not."

Rainbow flopped back into the fluffy cloud. "Then no."

"You're a great friend, Dash." Twilight snarked, flying back down to town.

-

"Pinkie, you're coming with me to my wife's coronation whether you want to or not!"

Pinkie looked up from the table where she was kneading dough. "Ok!" She responded enthusiastically.

"Oh." Twilight blinked. "I wasn't expecting you to accept for some reason. Guess I forgot you love parties."

"I sure do! Your wedding was the most fun I've had in years! Scary, but fun! I'd love love love to go to another!"

"Excellent. So the date is tentatively set as a week from-"

Pinkie interrupted. "Will there be any deaths?"

Twilight blinked. "My in-laws are mostly immortal, so no."

Never breaking from her manic smile, Pinkie slowly pulled a dagger from her behind the counter. "Thats too bad. A Canterlot coronation without a least three deaths is a dull affair."

"Uh, yeah..." Twilight looked around nervously. "Like i was saying, it's a year from Tuesday. I'll contact you again as the big day nears. By by now." She backed away slowly.

Pinkie was practicing stabbing her lump of dough. "See ya!"

-

"Isn't it depressing I'm settling for you?"

"What was that dear?" Rarity was stacking swatches of cloth in the back of her store.

"Uh, nothing. Say, would you be interested in seeing Canterlot?"

Rarity's immediate reaction of excitement was tempered by a cynical frown. "Why is something happening?"

"Not much. I'm going back in a couple weeks for some business, maybe visit Celestia and Luna, and I thought maybe you would like to see the city."

"Why would you think that?" Rarity asked.

"Didn't you mention at the wedding..."

"No."

Twilight seemed on the edge of frustration. "Well you seem like the kind of mare who'd like that."

"How so?"

"You're a trendy pretentious flout who probably goes gaga over high society." Twilight snapped. "That's why I thought that! And I also read your mind..."

"Aha!" Rarity said triumphantly. "There it is!"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Is this what this is about? Are you upset because I read your mind? I can hardly help it, all these minds just laid bare for one such as myself to see."

"Darling there's no one like yourself." Rarity scoffed. "But, now that you're reading my mind I'm sure you won't mind me reading yours. I'd guess that Luna is having a welcome home party or a coronation, and you were invited for gods only know what reason. You want me to go with you to Canterlot with you so you can make your wife jealous."

"Impressive reasoning, Detective Lestrade." Twilight said sarcastically. "Yes to the coronation, no to the jealousy."

"Oh." Rarity's face turned red. "Then you really wanted my company..."

"Yes, and now you look like a jerk." Twilight said smugly.

"Sorry, am I interrupting something." Twilight and Rarity turned to see Fluttershy had entered the dress shop as well. (Did I ever establish that Rarity lives and works in her dress shop?)

"Just the sickest beatdown in Equestrian history." Twilight boasted, and Rarity turned a more vibrant shade of red.

"Oh. I'll come back later." Fluttershy tried to slink away, but the door swung shut in her face under magical influence.

"Hey wait a minute, Fluttershy." Twilight said. "Wanna come to Luna's coronation with me?"

Fluttershy observed Rarity's blush. "Am I going to have to pretend I'm sleeping with you?"

Twilight balked. "What? No! No! Have you two been talking? About me, behind my back?" She now scrutinized Fluttershy's blushing countenance for a moment. "No... No you haven't. Then why would both of you assume I'd do something like that? Is that something you want?"

She took a step back and looked between the two mare, who were now looking at the ground in embarrassment. "If I wasn't so desperate for socialization I'd banish you both for the lewd thoughts you're having!"

"That makes me feel so much better." Rarity said to the floor.

"Indeed!" Twilight trotted to door. "Good day, madams!" She opened the door, then teleported away.

-

"By process of elimination, you're the best candidate for being my platonic date for Luna's coronation." Twilight explained patiently. "You're a little young, but the binds of friendship transcend age."

"Who are you? Where's my mother?" Dinky Hooves was frightened and confused.

"Well I'm not quite a maternal figure per say, and Luna and I agreed no children for a couple centuries, but I think I could fill many rolls a mother couldn't." Twilight tussled Dinky Mane endearingly. "We can spend so much time together, you and I."

Dinky seemed on the verge of tears. "I... I need an adult."

Suddenly, the front door of the library was kicked open. Rainbow Dash dived though and rolled to her hooves at the center of the room. "I AM AN ADULT!"

Twilight was about as unamused as a cat subjected to Chinese water torture. "Dash, what the buck is this?" She glanced at Dinky apologetically. "I mean, what the hay, is this."

More ponies entered though the open portal. "Gods almighty Dash, you near tore the door off it's hinges." Applejack said.

"Door abuse is a serious problem. Please report cases to your local authorities." Fluttershy said to the omniscient narrator and audiance.

Rarity and Pinkie completed set now gathered in the library. Dinky used Twilight's distraction to scurry away and escape outside.

"Great, just great." Twilight blew at an errant hair which had fallen in front of her face. "That was my best lead yet."

"Ignoring that for now... Twilight, we all have something to say." Rarity explained.

"We wanted to apologize for not giving you a chance." Fluttershy continued. "We haven't been very good friends." Applejack and Rainbow nodded in half-agreement. Pinkie was just happy to be there.

"Ah ha!" Twilight grinned. "I knew I was in the right! So, who among you wants to go with me to Canterlot? Not you, Pinkie."

"We didn't decide that yet." Rarity said. "Drawing straw was considered..."

Twilight glanced at the corners of the room in idle thought. "I guess you can all come then."

"What?" Four ponies asked in fear and one asked in excitement.

"Technically, the invitation is for Twilight Sparkle plus one guest. Seeing as I'm worth about fifty-seven-million lesser ponies, the plus one, logically, is a plus fifty-seven-million." Twilight said, gesturing. "I hope Celestia isn't disappointed I'm only bringing five."

"Twilight I don't think-"

"You're right, who am I kidding. I don't care what Celestia thinks."

From the upper floor, Spike called down. "Can I come too?"

Twilight smirked, her victory complete. "The threat of laundry has spurred you to action then?"

"Nah, I wouldn't have done any of it, and you would have been upset but you would have done it all instantly by magic anyway." Spike explained. "I just want to go."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Fine, you can come too. Now, all of you ponies get out. I don't want to see head nor tail of you till a week from Tuesday."

"It's always a pleasure, princess."

Author's Note

Somebody stop me before I hurt somebody. Why is Twilight married to Luna? I'm parodying twixluna fics I guess. Why is Twilight kinda a pedophile? I dunno, it's funny or so I'm continuously told by voice in my head.

Unrelated, but is there some esoteric law of the universe that all ponyfics gradually descend into clop? It seems that way. Aforementioned law, I dub thee, Clopshift.

Serious question time. Should I copy each episode name or change it slightly in a humorous and punny way? Trick question, I'm doin it anyway. In fact, one you've seen this message I'll have already done it, so there.

Even more serious question time. Am I being to heavy handed with the references? They're kinda funny in something stupid like this, but how much is too much. I appreciate your feedback. Really, tell me how I'm doing. Somebody, please talk to me! I'm so lonely...

Wow I let these author's notes ramble on and on. I just can't shut up! This guy... Geez. Look at him go, just goin on and on about absolutly nothing. This guy... He needs help. This is clearly a cry for help. Hold on... Ok, I'm on hold at the county assylum. Ok... Ok... Well, they'll be by in the morning to pick him up. Good job everybody!

Applejack Averts Three Time Wars

Sweet Apple Acres was an institution grounded in it's history and tradition. The practices of the first settlers were still used, little modified from their origination.

Twilight Sparkle had a mixed relationship with tradition. On the one hand, she benefited greatly as a member of the ancient and revered alicorn monarchy, rooted in the foundation of the Equestrian state. On the other hand (what are hands?), she was intelligent and prescient enough to see that the tide of modernity had already completely invalidated a great deal of pony heritage.

Of course, Twilight was thinking about absolutely none of this as she stepped outside of her Library of Solitude that morning, to investigate some great commotion. "What the hay in going on out here?" She asked the ponies fleeing in terror from something on the other side of the town. Ponyvillians are quite fond of their fleeing and of their terror.

"It's a stampeede!" One pony stopped long enough to say.

"Yes I can see that, but what are you stampeding away from?" Twilight asked to nopony in particular. She teleported to the edge of town. A large cloud of dust defined the trailing edge of a massive herd of approaching cows.

"The cows are invading? I'll put a stop to this!?" She began to cast the spell she had prepared for this very occasion: The Beefvaporation Spell.

“Twilight! Wait!” A familiar yell halted her mid cast. Twilight turned to see who but another alicorn Twilight.

New Twilight was slightly frazzled and dirty, but otherwise identical to the old.

“Don’t murder all the cows Twilight! You set off a chair reaction of events that lasts for decades and ruins everything you love!” New Twilight yelled.

“So it ruins nothing?” Old Twilight asked.

New Twilight scowled. “Our marriage? Did you forget about that?”

Old Twilight sighed. “No I didn’t... Man, I bet Luna was pretty upset about our genocide of bovinekind.”

New Twilight shrugged. “I don’t actually know. You see, when New Twilight came back to warn me, I killed the cows anyway. I don't know why. I just kinda felt like it. That was, like, two minutes ago.”

"And you fugured if there was a real problem you could just escape to another timeline to escape consequences." Old Twilight glanced towards the approaching horde of cows, weighing her options. With a sigh she turned away. “I guess this makes me the more responsible of us two.”

New Twilight nodded approvingly. They both watched as Applejack Deus Ex Machina’d onto the scene and saved Ponyville. They stood in the back as the town emerged to laud their cowpony savior.

“I don’t see why nopony is praising me.” Old Twilight said. “It was just as hard for me not to murder them as it was for Applejack to steer them away.”

New Twilight nodded. “It’s the cross we bear.”

Old Twilight stood silently for a moment. “Are you supposed to disappear or something, now that your alternate dimension is gone?”

New Twilight shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t suppose I could stay?”

Old Twilight shook her head. “Hella no. This is my turf.”

New Twilight nodded in concession. “I’ll be going then.” She took two steps forward. “Unless..” She whipped back around, eyes murderous and horn charged. “I take your place-”

New Twilight exploded into purple mist as Old Twilight hit her with a magical burst.

“So ends that annoying naming convention.” Said Twilight, brushing the remnants of her dimensional clone off of her pelt.

She proceeded back to the treehome, and remained inside for the remainder of the week.

Author's Note

Should I upload a scene by scene pony recreation of Manos: The Hands of Fate? Because I made a scene by scene pony recreation of Manos: The Hands of Fate. Did you know an actor gave his life for that godsawful movie? Makes me feel good about humanity.

Edit: I have since lost that scene by scene recreation. RIP the efforts and tribulations of man.

Gilda Quits While She's Ahead

Pinkie Pie, undead chaotic good, was trotting along the edge of Ponyville when she spied one of her friends with a future friend. Rainbow Dash and what looked like a giant eagle-cat rested lazily on a cloud above her.

“Hey Rainbow Dash!” Pinkie yelled, and when no response came she yelled again. “Rainbow! Hey Rainbow! Rainbow!”

Dash peered over the edge of the cloud with a scowl. “Pinkie! Pinkie! Pinkie! I can hear you just fine! I was ignoring you.”

Pinkie seemed taken aback. “Why would you ignore me?”

The eagle’s head peered over. “Mis Dash and I were discussing a deal of a confidential nature.”

Dash nodded. “Gilda was-” She was interrupted by a cough from the eagled headed creature. Dash rolled her eyes. “Mis Gilda here is helping me with something.”

Gilda raised an eyebrow. I don’t think birds usually have eyebrows, but I suppose griffins do. “Do you want to take this mare into your confidences?”

Dash shrugged. “Yeah sure. She’s Pinkie Pie.”

The pegasus and the griffin descended to Pinkie’s level.

“I’m a consultant.” Gilda said matter-of-factly. “I contract for pest control.”

“Ah geez.” Pinkie said sympathetically. “Dash's got puffins in her attic again?”

“No. Bigger.” Gidla said.

“Albatross?” Pinkie asked.

“Bigger.”

“Bigger than an albatross?” Pinkie said wonderously. Albatrosses were pretty big.

Dash interceded. “About the same size as an albatross. But it’s not in my house, it’s in Ponyville.”

Pinkie considered this. “Particularly large mole rats?”

“I’ve been hired to eat Mis Twilight Sparkle, alicorn princess.” Gilda said.

“I’m not hiring you.” Dash said with a hint of aggression. “I thought we agreed you would kill her as a favor.”

“I don’t think you can eat Twilight.” Pinkie said. “I’m pretty sure she’s god.”

“A god, at best, and not a very good one.” Dash assured Gilda. “You could totally eat her.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Said Gilda. “Although her being a god will increase the price somewhat.”

While the two were arguing, Pinkie wandered off. Several hours later she remembered the exchange and decided to resolve some outstanding question.

--Transition--

As Pinkie entered the library, Twilight emerged from an adjoining room, though she was occupied by whom she was walking away from.

"Do the dishes Spike, I'm not going to ask again." She plopped down on a couch and picked up a book from beside her.

"Hiya Twilight." Pinkie said.

"Hello Pinkie." Twilight said without looking up.

“Hey Twilight, can you be eaten?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight looked up from her book long enough to shoot Pinkie a contemptuous glare. “Anything can be eaten if you try hard enough. It’s really more a question if I can be digested.”

Scenes of Gilda swallowing Twilight whole flashed in Pinkie’s vision. She felt heat rising off her cheeks. “Can you be digested then?”

“I dunno. I’ve never tried to digest myself.” Twilight replied without looking up. “Spike you better be doing the dishes, or else.”

“Ok.” Pinkie digested this information for a while. “Are you a god?”

Twilight looked up from her book completely this time. “You raise an interesting set of questions about apotheosis and the nature of the divine, none of which I feel like talking about. Suffice it to say, I haven’t seen anypony worshiping me.” She went back to reading.

Pinkie sat on that for a few minutes. “Do you poop?”

Twilight slammed her book shut. “Did you want something? Something to discuss? A deathwish perhaps?”

Pinkie shook her head. “No thanks once was enough. But I’d sure like you to meet a new friend of mine.”

--Transition--

Pinkie led Twilight into the bakery, where Rainbow Dash and Gilda were waiting. “Hello.” Gilda said.

‘A griffin eh? I thought I expelled all of you from Equestria.” Twilight said.

“You did.” Gilda agreed. “Celesta rescinded that order as soon as you left Canterlot.”

“That whore!” Twilight cried. “Wait, how did you…”

“I am Gilda." The griffin extended a claw. "And you are Mis Twilight Sparkle, alicorn princess."

Twilight look blank for a moment, then beamed, taking the claw graciously. "Yes, yes I am. You’ve heard a lot about me?”

“Yes.” Gilda said.

Twilight toyed with her mane idly. “Oh then you know all about my great works here?”

Gilda glanced towards Dash briefly. “Somewhat.”

“Wow. I guess griffins aren’t all savages.” Twilight remarked. “Maybe I shouldn’t have expelled all of you.”

Gilda once again looked to Dash. “I would have preferred it that way, but exile has provided it’s own lessons.”

“You’re a student?” Twilight asked.

“Of gastronomy.” GIlda agreed.

“That’s cool.” Twilight said half heartedly. You know, I don’t really have to eat anymore, being myself and all, so I’m not big into the gastronomic arts.”

“Ok.”

“In the seventh grade I accidentally turned one of my playmates into a mini-singularity, and the only way to stop it was to eat it. It’s one of my lesser known times of saving creation. So I have a black hole in my stomach now.”

“Ok.”

“Sometimes I threaten to eat Spike if he’s behaving particularly badly, but I don’t think I could keep him from being deatomized by the singularity, so it’s mostly an empty threat. But who knows, one day I might snap. Speaking of which, I wonder if he did the dishes….”

“Ok.”

“On the whole it effects me less than you would expect, but smaller side effects include ionized burps, and farts causing fluctuations in the gravimetric threads of the universe.”

“Ok.”

“Unfortunately, the ion radiation burps are not nearly enough to vaporize a target, so I’m thinking of replacing the singularity with a mid-sequence star. I’d totally be able to do a nuclear breath thing then.”

“Ok.”

Twilight saw about to continue but stopped. “That’s probably the longest anypony’s ever let me ramble.”

“I’m not a pony.” Gilda said.

“Oh no, you’re better.” Twilight smiled slightly. “If you want anything, let me know and I’ll hook you up.”

Gilda consider this for a moment. “May I eat you?”

“Inadvisable.” Twilight said. “Although it’s as smooth as the finest silk, my skin is as adamantine. Maybe if you try hard enough. I taste really good.”

“No thank you.” Gilda said, slightly disappointed. Oh well, she thought, it was worth a shot. “Can you make me immortal?”

Twilight shrugged. “Sure.” And without notice, Gilda was basked in a purple golden light. The griffin was lifted slightly off her paws and claws by energies unseen, then released. She toppled forward.

“I can feel it!” Gilda said, eyes alight. “I’ve shrugged off the mortal chains! I now stand outside the wheel of fate!”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Twilight said. “You still have bodily functions.”

But gilda was already gone, having taken to the skies eastbound. Twilight waved at the rapidly shrinking griffin. “What a great gal.” She looked back to see the enraged face of Rainbow Dash.

“I want to kill you even more now.” Dash said slowly, so as to control her volume. “You just made my only friend in the world immortal. She doesn’t need me anymore.”

"Maybe just maybe, if you wanted to keep her as a friend, you shouldn't have asked her to kill omnipotent alicorn princess." Pinkie remarked. "Your plan wasn't all that well thought out."

“She left in quite a hurry. Does she know something that I don’t?” Twilight asked. “Should I leave too?”

Dash squeezed her eyes shut. “Why?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why? WHY?” Why does everything have to be about you?” Dash challenged. “Why don’t you have the least bit of respect for anypony?”

“She wasn’t a pony Dash, she was a griffin.”

“ANSWER THE QUESTION!”

Twilight sighed. “Because it just is. This world was literally envisioned, designed, and built just for me. I don’t know by whom, and I don’t know why, but it was fate from the very first that I be born, and take this existence to shape it as my own.”

“Really?”

Twilight let out a groan. “Really no. Are you stupid? Who would create a universe with ponies as ungrateful as you lot.”

“Are you super sure you don’t think you’re a god?” Pinkie asked.

“Are you kidding.” Twilight “Of course I’m a god. I’m awesome.”

With those words, she disappeared. A few seconds later, a great angry roar of earth shaking proportions resonated from the library, and every dish and plate in Ponyville vanished without a trace.

Author's Note

Is this really what I do with my free time? What is this? What is my life?

The Chapter With Trixie Goes About As Well As You Expect

Twilight Sparkle was, for some unknowable reason, trotting through Ponyville. If she were the type of pony who could appreciate beauty and the gifts nature provided, one might assert that she was enjoying the pleasant fall day. But she wasn’t, and so one couldn’t.

“Hey! Did’ya hear the news?” Pinkie bounded up to Twilight.

“Probably.” Twilight replied.

“There’s a new unicorn in town!” Pinkie bounded up and down in excitement.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “That’s the big news? Personally, I found the uncontrollable outbreak of ebola in Apploosa or the terror attacks in Canterlot a bit more noteworthy.”

Pinkie tisked. “Oh, Twilight, for a god you are awfully silly. Why should the ponies of Ponyville care about something significant elsewhere, when there’s a flashy distraction right in front of our noses! Silly Twilight.”

“We’ll see how silly you find me when you’re looking out from between your own intestines.” Twilight growled. “Where is the new unicorn? Wait a second… I don’t care.”

Twilight turned and trotted away. Pinkie’s cheer wavered slightly. “But Twiiiiillllliiiiight! You just have to go, and be bear witness to everypony’s embarrassment!”

Twilight’s ear twitched, and she turned back. “Well why didn’t you say there would be a gallery of ridicule and mockery. Let’s go!” She activated her horn for a teleportation spell.

Twilight and Pinkie translocated instantaneously to the Ponyville Fairground. Or, as Twilight discovered, most of Pinkie.

“Shoot.” She swore. She’d managed to get most of Pinkie’s organs, bereft of skin or bones. Twilight noted with mild amusement that Pinkie’s eyes had infact landed next to her intestines.

“I’ll put you back together after I see who’s being humiliated.” Twilight told Pinkie’s internal organs. “Don’t go anywhere.”

A large crowd had gathered in front of a makeshift stage, where a blue unicorn in a cape and hat was performing show magic.

“Princess Twilight, over here!” A voice in the crowd called, and Twilight made her way to it. It was Rarity, who had Fluttershy and Applejack beside her.

“Why’d you call me over here? Is somepony on fire?” Twilight asked. “Not that I’d do anything, but I know someponies would take solace in the fact that their horrible death by fire gave me some amusement.”

“Uh, no pony’s on fire.” Applejack said.

"Yet." Twilight retorted.

“We just wanted the pleasure of your company.” Rarity said.

Twilight snorted amusedly. “I accept your worshipful complement. I grant you a boon in return.”

“Um.” Fluttershy began. “Do you think you could make me immortal like you did Rainbow’s griffin friend?”

“What, do you expect me to hand out eternal life like candy?” Twilight bit. “You have to work for that shiz.”

“Hey, could you pipe down. I can’t hear the performance.” Somepony behind the group said. Twilight turned slowly towards her.

“Did you just tell me what to do?” She whispered dangerously.

“Er, I was informing you of my plight in case you found it sympathetic and decided to forsake your own situational comfort for my benefit and potentially for the benefit of others as well.” The mare explained longwindedly.

“Do you have any redeeming characteristics that would keep me from fertilizing my garden with your grey matter?”

The mare considered that. “I have an unnaturally long uvula.” The mare said, then opened her mouth widely enough that the aforementioned organ could be seen.

Twilight shrugged. “I feel like this conversation contributes nothing to the overarching plot. You may live.”

“If I may ask, Princess Twilight.” Rarity began. “Why are you so consistently morbid and fatalistic?”

Twilight turned to face the unicorn. “There’s just something exhilarating about threatening bloody death and dismemberment on on somepony, and know that you could follow through. Then you just start doing it all the time, and it looses it’s shock value. Now I kinda do it out of habit, and I hardly feel anything. It’s unfeminine I must admit, but I don’t really give a flut.”

“That’s a disturbing indictment of our psychology.” Rarity shivered.

“Eh.” Twilight shrugged. “SO, who's this new unicorn? Oh wait…” She blinked. “I already know because I read your minds.”

“Twilight!” Rarity huffed. “That's the second- no, third time since you promised.”

“I’m just kidding, honestly.” Twilight defended. “I've known this pony for a while. But, I did read your mind anyway.” She cracked a smile. “And now I know you think really dirty things about Fluttershy.”

Rarity and Fluttershy turned a very deep shade of red. "That's only partially true." Rarity mumbled.
Applejack chuckled, glad that she was escaping attention yet again.

Twilight turned towards the stage. “Hey you! Trixie!” Twilight bellowed. Trixe who was in the middle of juggling several balls of fire, was startled into dropping her concentration. The balls of fire fell, and the floor immediately caught fire.

“Trixe, I’m talking to you! Don’t ignore me.” Twilight called, but Trixe was too busy running about in panic as the very flammable stage and wagon burned around her.

“Trixie! Hey!” Twilight persisted. In a moment of genius, Trixie tossed her fire-proof cape over a patch of stage and dived through the gap. She landed at Twilight’s hooves.

“Hi. I’m Twilight Sparkle, a big fan.” Twilight was saying. “I saw your Canterlot show and I was wondering if you could do that trick where you pick a pony and utterly humiliate them in front of all their family and friends.”

Coughing out the last of the smoke in her lungs, Trixie staggered to all fours. She looked Twilight in the eyes. “Hello Sparkle.” She said flatly. “I see you’ve ruined my show, again.”

Twilight nickered. “It’s how I express my love.”

"It is not reciprocated."

"Come on." Twilight prissed her lips playfully. Around the group, ponies were screaming and fleeing from the burning stage. "Give me a little kiss."

Looking like a mare with a gun to her head, Trixie very slowly maneuvered her cheek to meet Twilight's lips. "Gratified, Sparkle?"

Twilight grinned. "Immensely."

“I thought for certain you were head over heals for Luna.” Rarity pointed out.

Twilight was slightly taken aback by that. “Listen Rariglee, my love for Luna is as pure as the tears of unloved orphans. My love for Trixie here is the kind of insatiable lust that can only be satiated by brutal abuse. I’m sure a mare of your persuasion would understand.”

“I really don’t.” Rarity admitted.

Twilight grinned indecently at the slightly crisped Trixie. “I have to go reassemble Pinkie Pie, but don’t you worry, I’ll save enough energy for us. Eight o’clock, at the corpse of your cart. Don’t be late, or else.” She trotted off, whistling a tune into the breeze.

Trixie looked impassively at Rarity. “Is there a hospital nearby, and are they open later than eight?”

Author's Note

I realized I've been neglecting this gem of a story, and humanity was suffering for it.

Ponies are bad at Chapter Titles

“Welcome, everypony, to the inaugural meeting of the Ponyville chapter of the Dragon Slaying Guild.” Twilight’s voice boomed unnecessarily loudly in the confined space of her lairbrary. “Today’s meeting is to decide on a name for our organization.”

“Wow, a group decision.” Rarity rolled her eyes. “That’s uncharacteristically egalitarian of you, princess.”

“That’s ARCH-princess to you, squire Rarity.” Twilight rustled her dragon slaying armor. It was apparent to even the most fashion blind ponies in the room that Twilight must have made a blood sacrifice to the dark gods of bad style to summon the hideously gaudy barding that graced her flanks. It sparkled a disgusting pink, and always seemed to reflect light directly into your eye holes.

“I put forward the name ‘THE EXECUTIONERS’!” Pinkie was taking the whole affair completely seriously.

“That’s dumb.” Twilight said.

Fluttershy raised a hoof. “I have a sug-”

“How about ‘THE BLAZES OF GLORY’!” Rainbow Dash interjected.

“That name is so stupid that I’m demoting you from Sub-Peon to Double-Sub-Peon.” Twilight said. “Applejack needs the company anyway.”

“Ah baked pies for all us Double-Subs.” Applejack consoled Rainbow.

“It may be low of me to appeal to your vanity,” Rarity cleared her throat. “But what do you think of ‘The Twilight Knights’, or ‘The Swords of Sparkle’, or some variation on that theme.”

Twilight scrunched her nose. “I’m not gunna lie, I really like those name, and you’re right it is low of you to appeal to my vanity like that.”

Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. “Darling, your approval means everything to me.”

Fluttershy raised her hoof again. “Um, if the voting isn't closed, I have a name. I think it’s nice, and you might think it’s clever enough-”

“Two can play at that game!” Rainbow was in Rarity’s face. “And I think ‘SPARKLE’S FALLEN ANGELS’ is way more kickass!”

“Oh of course you would sink to my level.” Rarity pushed Rainbow back slightly.

“I’m rock hard baby! I do nothing but sink!” Rainbow grinned widely.

“Noice.” Twilight gave Rainbow a hoof bump.

“Dear god, the things I do for a chance at immortality.” Rarity let out a long breath. "I feel all my interactions have been cheapened since that undercurrent was revealed. It's a sour taste to know everlasting life relies on the fickleness of a childish god."

“God says you better be more chipper than that.” Twilight said.

“How about, the ‘THE FURIES of PONY VENGEANCE’!” Pinkie yelled.

“The Furries of Pony Vengeance? Inquisitor Pie, this is not that kind of organization.” Twilight snickered. Everypony began talking at once.

“Wait, did you like my suggestion better than Rarity’s?” Rainbow asked.

“Unrelated question, but is that Trixie’s horn above your mantlepiece?” Rarity pointed to Twilight fireplace.

Fluttershy mumbled. “I just remembered there’s six of us, so my name ‘The Five Fates’ doesn’t really work.”

“Wait don’t I count?” Spike, mysteriously absent from the stupidity previous, confronted Fluttershy.

“And I just remembered I hate Rarity.” Twilight mused. “And I hate Rainbow too! And Pinkie Pie’s suggestions are dumb.”

“So…” Spike raised a brow questioningly.

“So the ‘Five Fates’ it is!” Twilight beamed. “Now, let’s go kill that dragon.”

-

Everypony spilled out onto Twilight lawn. They formed a circle around their Arch-Princess, who had also bestowed upon herself the titles of Uberpaladin and Lady Master Super Sergeant.

“Why do I get the feeling that this whole thing is a game to stroke your ego?” Rarity questioned.

“Because that’s about all I do.” Twilight replied. “And now, the laser.”

Twilight turned and faced north, facing the mountain, whose inhabitant was a threat to all life in Ponyville.

“Twilight, that’s Canterlot.” Applejack pointed out.

“Oh yeah. Don't want to destroy that yet.” Twilight shrugged. “So, now the laser.”

She oriented her head West by Northwest, pointing directly towards the enormous peak bellowing black smoke into the Equestrian sky. With no leadup or warning, a ferocious purple beam lanced out from Twilight’s Horn. It instantaneously traveled the distance to the mountain, which exploded into a million pieces of rock.

“I’ve felt a great disturbance in the force.” Pinkie swayed.

“That’s probably your Eustachian Tubes.” Satisfied that the dragon inside the mountain was extremely dead, Twilight faced her team. ”The radiation from the laser has odd side effects sometimes.”

“I’m sure that won’t have any implication whatsoever on future plotlines.” Pinkie nodded in understanding.

“So, what do we do now?” Rainbow asked.

“You all get a merit point for excellence in dragon murder. Fluttershy get two because I’m fairly certain this was supposed to be her time to shine.” Twilight said. “Then again, that might just be the radiation.”

“Thanks y’all. Same time next week?” Applejack asked. Everypony cheerfully agreed, and the gang went on to mercilessly drive dragonkind to the edge of extinction.

The END?

Author's Note

If it's wrong to laugh like an idiot at my own jokes, I never want to be right.

State Mandated Post-Evening Socialization

At 5:28 in the afternoon Ponyville time, tuesday evening, a vengeful olympian god released the apocalyptic flood upon Equestria as foretold in the seventh segment of the Doom Nikveh. But a couple minutes later Twilight Sparkle told him to cut that crap out, so instead the earth was subjected to a storm that rated at the mostly inconvenient.

At the sound of her door being opened and shut, Twilight Sparkle looked up from her book.

“I don’t remember inviting you in Applejack. That goes double for you Rarity.”

Rarity used her magic to wring the rain out of her mane. “Twilight I really cannot guess what I have done to earn this antipathy from you.”

“Your consciousness is too tedious. You’re the only one who can resist my amazing mind powers of persuasion.” Twilight said, seemingly accepting the home invasion. “I like ponies like Applejack here because they're so easily manipulated.”

“You pay tha most backhanded compliments of anypony ah ever met.” Applejack grumbled as she drip dried in the foyer.

“Surely you're joking with me.” Rarity arched an eyebrow.

“Jokes are funny.” Twilight said. “My fib was purely malicious. Now, what are you doing in my temple?”

Rarity facehooved, both hooves. “Temple? Twilight you can’t turn the town library into your temple. As far as I know nopony even worships you.”

“They don’t realize it, but every book in Equestria is imbued with my will. Reading is equivalent to worship.” Twilight smugly replied.

“What an amazing contrivance all for the sake of a single smug comeback. Thanks for ruining reading for me.”

“Ta answer y’all’s question princess, we’re fleein from that storm out there.” Applejack pointed out the window. “It’s pretty crazy. hell ‘an high water.”

“Hell? High water?” Twilight frowned. “I EXPLICITLY told the appocolyse god NO HELL, and NO HIGH WATER. Next time I see him I’m gunna slap his shiz.”

“Well I, uh.” Applejack felt that feeling of guilt that goes along with getting an entity in trouble with Twilight Sparkle. “There ain’t no need to do that on my account.”

“I think you shouldn’t either.” Rarity said to Twilight, but winked at Applejack. “Ooh, and you definitely not tell this god that it was Applejack who ratted him out.”

Twilight was unamused. “I’ll tell him was Rarity then. Now, both of you blasphemers can leave.”

“Twilight is there a way to be in ‘your temple’ without bein a blasphemer?” Applejack asked. “Cause I’m a might hesitant to face that storm out there.”

“Sure.” Twilight said. “Kiss my hooves.”

Applejack recoiled. “What?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I’m kidding. Honestly, do you think I’m so insecure that I need constant displays of submission to keep my ego fueled.”

“Well…” Rarity trailed off.

“Rarity, I hate you, get the hell out.” Twilight barked. “Applejack can stay if she commits to a full night.”

“Full night a what?” Applejack asked.

“Just a full night.” Twilight explained. “You know, if the storm dies off, you’ll still stay until sunrise.”

Applejack and Rarity shared a glance. “Just sleepin?”

“Maybe dinner too. And you know maybe if Rarity doesn’t let her perviness through I’ll let her stay as well.” Twilight nodded.

“I'm never going to hear the end of this...” Rarity muttered as she and Applejack moved into the library proper.

~

“It’s too bad Spike is out of town.” Twilight was saying as she led her guests into the kitchen. “He would have loved the company. Sometimes I think that only having me for company is a detriment to his emotional development.”

“Yeah, I get that impression as well.” Applejack accepted an apple and began snacking on it. “I think you should push him outside a little more often.”

“Where did you say he was again?” Rarity helped herself to a bowl of dry cereal.

“He got crucified again.” Twilight said. “It’ll be two or three days before he gets back.”

“Don’tchya hate when that happens.” Applejack glowered.

“Very inopportune.” Rarity agreed.

“Yeah well I’ve got worse problems on my hooves.” Twilight joined the two mortals at the table. “Apparently somepony told Celestia about Gilda.”

“Why is that bad for you, exactly?” Rarity asked.

“Because she’ll ruin the experiment.” Twilight complained. “When I made Gilda immortal I replaced most of her higher brain function with the neurological equivalent of spaghetti code. I wanted to see how long before she exploded.”

Applejack took a very slow bite of her apple. Rarity stared into her cereal. “That’s… That’s horrible!”

“What? I hope you didn’t think I did it from the goodness of my heart. Honestly most of my life is a string of compulsive behaviors linked by depressingly lucid rumination. But I mean can you blame me about Gilda?” Twilight crossed her hooves defensively. “For science to advance, somepony’s brain has got to be replaced with spaghetti! Would you be happier if it were you?”

“No.” Rarity conceded.

“I’m suddenly hungry for spaghetti.” Applejack said.

“Point is, Celestia never likes my experiments, and will probably put a premature end to Gilda or something.” Twilight continued. “It’s mostly because I apply anything I learn to make her life as miserable as possible. Like the invisible parasprites.”

“Parasprites?” Rarity asked.

“Nasty blighters, the parasprites.” Twilight nodded. “Remind me to show you some time.”

~

“Princess Twilight, don’t ya think two ponies could be spared a slightly larger bed?”

Twilight grumpily propped herself up from her restful position on her own bed. “That’s the only other one I have! Would you rather have Spike’s freakin basket?”

“I was just thinkin you could conjure one or… Uhh, sorry I asked.” Applejack sighed, and did her best not to touch Rarity under the sheets beside her. “You know, ya don’t have to come back at every question y’all’r asked with a scathing rhetorical proposition. Get’s repetitive.”

“Would you like it if I responded with smiles instead?” Twilight twisted her head and smiled exaggeratedly before lapsing once again into a deep scowl.

“You’re doin again.” Applejack said. “Know what, never mind. Good night.”

“Yeah yeah, good night.” Twilight readjusted her covers. “Don’t let the bed bug bite. Seriously, they’re nasty.It's a national epidemic.”

The patter of rain carried the two to a restful slumber, and nothing dramatic happened at all for the rest of the sleepover.

That’s when the spatulas attacked.

Author's Note

Has this story outlived it's novelty? Probably. Time to switch my beating cane out for the dead-horse edition.

I don't think anything should just be pure stupidity all the time, so I sprinkled little bits of overarching of narrative here and there. It's not actually connected to a real narrative, instead sticking out haphazardly like rebar from a partially built building.

Things that do not Exist; Of Zebras it Consists

With a painful screech that only a tear in the fabric of reality can create, a deep blue rift formed in the center of Ponyville. Through it stepped a horror that the planet had hoped upon hope had gone away forever: A depraved mind that should never have existed and yet trod among the mortals. Twilight Sparkle, Pony Princess.

“What a relaxing vacation!” Twilight smiled with a pure joy that she usually reserved for seeing others in agony. “All the same, it’s good to be back!”

A hoof of the same moody blue as the portal emerged into the physical realm, and then the regal body it was attached to. Luna was a bit dazed by the shift between worlds, but seeing her grinning wife sobered her up very quickly.

“It could have gone better.” Luna sighed.

“My love, I know every possible outcome of every possible reality; It literally could not have gone any better.” Twilight giggled. “That was the best of all possible vacations!”

A purple claw pushed out of the rift and clutched desperately at the dusty ground. Spike struggled with all his might to pull his self away from the otherworldly terrors that grabbed at him, but with a crisp pop he cleared the portal. “Urg…” He gurgled, facedown in the dirt.

“So nice of you to join us Spike.” Twilight’s smile tightened. “You forgot our luggage.”

As if on cue, a morbid tangle of eldritch tentacles pushed out from the rift, bearing a matching set of travel size suitcases. They took a last, wistful swipe at Spike before withdrawing into the otherrealm.

Twilight bowed towards the rift. “Thank you, cousin ShubNig-”

A blare of calamitous trumpets announced the instantaneous closing of the rift.

Twilight frowned thinly. “Well, fine then. Come Luna!” She turned gracefully and trotted towards town. “My bedroom awaits!”

“Yes, dear.” Luna sighed.

They made their way through Ponyville, winding their way towards Twilight’s library. Luna, not being so completely apathetic to everything as her bride was, noticed how quiet it was in the village. There were no ponies to be seen, and all activities seemed to have been dropped mid-task.

“Is not this hamlet more lively than this?” She asked.

“Hmm?” Twilight looked back at her. “Yeah, I guess so. I’m pretty sure this is the right dimension, so everypony should still be alive.”

“You don’t sound very confident.” Luna groaned. “Twilight, dear, what did you do?”

“No no, I’m like, eighty-eight percent sure that everypony is still alive.” Twilight quickly mollified. “Well, seventy-eight.”

Luna rolled her eyes and continued past her to the library.

“Geeze, someone can’t take a joke.” Twilight muttered under her breath.

“Psst! Spike! Over here!” Her ears twitched towards somepony’s loud and fairly obvious whispers. “Hurry! Before they get you!”

Twilight could see Spike, who was struggling under the weight of her luggage, glance panickedly around for the source of the voice. He finally saw a waving pink leg beckoning him towards the village bakery.

“Luna, humor me for a second.” She said, cantering after Spike.

“Yes, dear.” Luna sighed, following at as great a distance as she could manage. She was secretly pleased this and any distraction that meant avoiding Twilight’s bedroom and the existential terror she would no doubt experience there.

Spike darted through the bakery door just as it was slammed closed. Twilight somehow found the curtesy within her to knock. “Hey! What are you idiots doing in there? Open up!””

“Uhh. Password?” Came a fearful fillies voice in reply.

“Merciless holocaust.” Twilight deadpanned.

“Fair point.” The filly behind the door squeaked. The bolt slid back and the door creaked open. “Sorry Princess.”

There were six ponies cowering in the darkened bakery, alternating between hiding and glancing over the window sill at the empty village square. Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack’s younger sister were all there, plus Spike who was equally as confused as Twilight.

“What in the orange hell is going on here?”

“Oh, hello Princess Twilight.” Rarity sighed. There seemed to be a lot of that going around. “I’m afraid you’ve caught Ponyville at it’s darkest hour, when the resolve of all true ponies is tested.”

“Oh come on, I wasn’t gone that long.” Twilight scowled.

“No, she means the freaky striped thing that’s haunting our streets!” Pinkie Pie contributed.

“What, pray tell, is the purpose of this gathering?” Luna arrived in the bakery. She looked from pony to pony and frowned depressedly. “Ah, the Elements of Harmony are all here. Is this a ambush?”

“Yes! A HUG AMBUSH!” Pinkie launched herself at Luna, hooves wide open for maximum embracing potential. Luna screamed in fear and swatted Pinkie out of the air with her magic.

“Pinkie! Don’t trigger my waifu!” Twilight lambasted the pink mare, who had rolled to stop some feet away, twitching in misery. “Goodness knows she doesn’t need more PTSD.”

Luna was hyperventilating, eyes darting between Pinkie and the other ponies. “M- My deepest apologies, my subjects. I am… on edge.”

“Don’t you worry about it.” Applejack consoled. “Pinkie gets killed ‘bout twice a week anyway.”

“If you need therapy, I know a good doctor.” Fluttershy contributed softly. “But um… What are you doing here?”

“I too am curious as to your presence here.” Rarity spoke up. “Twilight isn’t… forcing you, is she?”

“N- No.” Luna sweated under the ponies’ curious looks and Twilight’s imposing glower. “Celestia released me to my, um, beloved’s care for a second honeymoon.”

“It was a lovely time!” Twilight nuzzled Luna’s neck, causing the moon princess to shiver in discomfort. “We toured all around the -n Dimensions, visiting all my extended family in the boundless netherrealms. We saw all the wonderful rainbow blasphemies of the deamonic other, and in inconceivable madness of heat and sound I etched a litany of love for my cherished wife.” She smiled sweetly, raising the bile of all around her.

“And I got sacrificed to the blind idiot god!” Spike whined. “Twice!”

“Oh shut up.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You can’t expect to vacation in the -n Dimensions without offering up a few living sacrifices. Besides I can’t keep you dead for long, so why are you complaining?”

“But why, I ask, are you ponies gathered here?” Luna was slightly more focused on the current issue. “Is the fear of our heretical mode of transportation that has put fear in your hearts, little ponies?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “No, it’s weirder.”

“Don’t worry about them.” Twilight said. ”These bumpkins are scared of a stripped thing they saw. It’s probably an okapi.”

“Nah, it ain’t an okapi. It’s black and white, with not a spot a orange.” Applejack corrected. Seeing that everypony was bewildered by her sudden show of knowledgeability, she clarified. “I met a okapi exchange student in Manehattan one time.”

“Black and white, and striped? It sounds you’re describing a-” Twilight paused, and after a moment of internal deliberation, shook her head. “You know what, all of you should just ignore whatever nameless creature wandered into your midst and go on with your lives.”

“But it’s scary!” Pinkie Pie complained from her new home on the floor, spitting up blood with each word.

“I don’t care. You go out and pretend nothing wrong, or else!” Twilight threatened. She trotted to the door. “Onward Luna! My bedroom can only be put off for so long!”

“Yes, dear.” Luna hung her head, trudging behind her wife to the library.

The next day.

Twilight emerged from her library into the smiling sunshine, which shined a little dimmer upon seeing her. She pulled a bedraggled and tired Luna behind her, who still clung desperately to her pillow as if it could protect her from the lavender alicorn.

“Come on, Luna my dearest! We have a full day ahead of us!” Twilight sing-songed. “I have you for the next three days, and I’m going to make use of every second of it!”

They staggered into the town square. It was as quiet as the grave, quieter even, if Twilight was anywhere near said grave. The usual suspects were standing in the center by the fountain, facing off against a black and white striped ungulate.

“Hark! A zebra!” Her sleepy reluctance forgotten, Luna jumped towards the exotic visitor. “It has been an age since I have seen any of their kind.”

“Zebras don’t exist.” Twilight said simply.

“Twilight, nopony else seem to have gotten the message about going about our normal routines.” Rarity waved around the empty square. “As such, we have decided to take the law into our own hooves and drive out the invader.

“Nice try girls, but you can’t get rid of me that easily.” Twilight smirked.

“They refer to the zebra.” Luna clarified.

“Zebras don’t exist.” Twilight repeated.

“At least not in Ponyville after we chase out this varmint!” Applejack regarded the mystery creature with pure disgust, which was returned with lidded apathy.

Applebloom and Spike separated from the mob and scampered over to Twilight. “You have to stop them or they’ll kill her!”

“I can not in good conscious stop a lynch mob from pursuing an imaginary creature.” Twilight said. “Unless, of course, my dear wife asks me to.”

“Twilight, stop this impending hate crime.” Luna urged.

“Oh, fine!” Twilight sighed. She pushed past Rarity and Rainbow Dash to face the striped creature face-to-face. “Explain yourself, not-zebra!”

The black and white ungulate stared, unblinkingly, back at Twilight.

“See? No whimsical rhyming. It must not be a zebra!” Twilight declared. “Everypony disperse. Now!”

And so, the poetic limitations of the author meant that Zecora would never show up again. The End.

Author's Note

Next chapter is the exclusive edit of 'Gilda Quits while she's Ahead', that explains the circumstances that lead to her disembodied head being on Twilight's wall next to Trixie's horn.

Hive on the Mind

It had been almost two weeks since the zebra had appeared in Ponyville’s plaza, and the striped creature still had not moved. She did not eat, or sleep, or react to anything besides limply staring at ponies as they crossed her vision.
The zebra was a monument: Unmoved, unshakable, unblinking, it stood testament to that one time the Ponyvillians formed a lynch mob and almost committed a hate crime. But the Ponyvillians couldn’t be blamed for their actions. Could anypony? It really depends on one’s belief in free will.

Off to the side of the plaza, at the gourmet cafe, the gang sat around a table eating their brunch.
Rarity and Fluttershy had simple salads, though Fluttershy hadn’t done much other than look at hers. Rainbow Dash had a club sandwich, and Applejack had a hoagie roll sandwich: They two eyed each other's sandwiches covetously, which slowly transformed into blushes as they realized how much it looked like they were eyeing each other’s desirable bodies.

“Uh… I was just looking at your sandwich, I swear!” Rainbow blurted out. “I definitely wasn’t looking at any part of you. I wouldn’t even be looking anywhere near it if it wasn’t behind the sandwich.”

Applejack stared at her.

“You’ve seen me looking at sandwiches before. I look at them all the time. There’s nothing about looking at sandwiches that means I would also look at your plot.” Rainbow continued. “If anything the phallic shape of the sandwich would mean that-”

“Rainbow, Rainbow.” Rarity put a hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder. “What are you doing?”

“I- I’m just complementing Applejack’s sandwich. There’s nothing gay about that.”

Rarity sighed. “I think we all understand that, Rainbow, but thank you anyway. Applejack, perhaps you’d like to complement Rainbow’s sandwich in return?”

Applejack pulled her hat a little closer and pretended not to hear.

“Amazing job, Applejack.” Rarity nodded. “Now, Rainbow Dash, please open your mouth and insert your hoof. Yes, just like that, all the way up. Now nopony will have to cringe at every word you speak anymore. No, please continue: Gagging lets us know it’s working.”

Pinkie Pie had brought a bowl of whipped cream to eat.
Rarity felt the need to involve herself again. “Pinkie darling, don’t you think bringing a bowl of whipped cream to our brunch is flaunting the spirit of the get-together?”

Pinkie’s eyes darted around. “There’s a spirit here? Like a ghosty? A spirit of get togethers? Who is it?! So many ponies have died during my parties I couldn’t even guess!”

“One: You’re the pony dies the most at your parties. Two: You knew what I meant.” Rarity huffed.

“So you’re asking me if I realize the error in bringing this bowl full of whipped cream?” Pinkie asked.

“Correct.” Rarity clarified.

“Nope! Cause that’ be just silly. I’d be leaving my bowl of whipped cream at home unsupervised and who knows what kind of trouble it could get into.” Her giggly laughter descended into quiet mumbles. “And somepony might take it. They’ll take my whipped cream away from me. I don’t like that. I don’t like that.” Pinkie pulled the bowl a little closer.

“I thought Pinkie was lactose sensitive.” Rainbow Dash said, having pulled her hoof out of her mouth.
Ignoring Rainbow, Rarity forged on with her argument. “I hear that during a luncheon or such, one should reinforce the idea that they are connected to the others. Buying carefully prepared food that you can’t get at home is the purest expression of friendship.”

Rainbow Dash, trying to work one in after being ignored, made a quick quip. “You had to read that socializing is supposed to be friendly? Sounds like you’re quoting somepony’s marketing tagline.”

“Y’all’re dumb.” Applejack mumbled. “Let Pinkie eat whipped cream. It ain’t our place to assert our agency over her.”

“But what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t offer advice to my awkward, misanthropic friends?” Rarity smiled cheerfully. “Isn’t that right, Pinkie.”

“Applejack’s not right, but so are you not right you are.” Pinkie paused to recalculate the construction of that sentence. She shook her head and continued. “None of us have agency. We just do what’s written.” Pinkie scooped another spoonful of whipped cream. “I eat to make me forget the pain, but that’s not my choice.”

Rarity nodded. “And I am saying that you could at least be a bit accommodating of your friends while you’re doing that. Choice citation of deterministic philosophy is hardly an excuse.”

“No, I mean it’s literally not me doing this.” Pinkie slowly moved the spoonful of cream towards her mouth. “See? I can’t stop it!” She opened her mouth and imbibed the whipped cream. “None of that was my choice! I would have eaten it anyway, but it was still forced on me.”

Rainbow cocked her head. “Was it forced if you wanted it?”

“Let’s not go down that path y’all.” Applejack growled.

Fluttershy snapped out of her fugue. “I don’t want to talk about it either. Every discussion we have becomes either an argument, or stupid and pointless. The best way to be friends with each other is not talk at all.”

“And what do y’all propose? Wanna go for tea at y’all’s place and worship your front door for a couple’a hours?” Applejack deadpanned.

“Applejack, why would you crush Fluttershy like that when she speaks up so infrequently.” Rarity chastised.

“Cause like she said herself anything we say is stupid and pointless. Her pointin that out ain’t any less a non-contribution to the discussion. It’s just bein a nagger.”

Rarity narrowed her eyes, like she detected something not quite right about what Applejack had said, but stopped it with a muted sigh. “We are all in such fouls sorts this morning, and it isn’t even Monday.”

“Mondays are fine. I don’t know why everypony harps on Mondays.” Rainbow Dash said.

“I wasn’t saying that to establish my opinion on Mondays. I was speaking idiomatically.” Rarity shot back.

“Your point was already made though. You didn’t have to add the bit about Mondays if you didn’t feel strongly about Mondays.” Rainbow crossed her hooves. “Checkmate, I rest my case.”

“My favorite day is May the first!” Pinkie interjected. She smeared whipped cream on her top lip to shape a vague moustachio. “Viva la revolution.”

“Thank you for that contribution, Pinkie Pie.” Rarity clopped her hooves sarcastically.

Fluttershy sighed. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be so negative. I’ll feel better after I eat.” But then she made no move to eat her salad.

Everypony knew the real source of their anxieties: Twilight Sparkle would be showing up soon. Or at least she was supposed to be showing up, but she was now over an hour late. Usually, being away from the insanely narcissistic god-princess was the greatest fortune anypony could wish for, but Twilight not being somewhere was in its own way far more terrifying: Twilight had found something more interesting to torment than her friends, and that was never good news.

“What Fluttershy was trying to say was that instead of talking, we should do something!” Rainbow, having resolved her bi-sandwich curiosity, had begun taking too-large bites out of her club. The sight of the pegasus talking with her mouth full made everypony cringe. “Like, when we were about to horribly mutilate that zebra. That brought us together!”

“Um, I’d rather not. Not do anything, I mean. I don’t like doing things, not even hate crimes.” Fluttershy sighed. “Applejack was right. I want to go home.”

“But darling you haven’t even touched your salad.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Then why did you order it?”

“Because everypony was looking at me, expecting me to say something, and I didn’t want to disappoint the waiter by saying I wasn’t hungry.” Fluttershy whimpered. “I’ll take it home for Angel.”

“Or your crazy eldritch door.” Pinkie added helpfully, and probably more truthfully.

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Do you think Twilight loves Luna?” Rainbow Dash prompted.

“The heck kinda question is that?” Applejack balked.

“A very inappropriate one. The marital affairs of our alicorn overlords is hardly our business.” Rarity tisked. “But just between us, I should say not. I doubt Twilight can even understand the concept of love.”

“Whoa. Harsh.” Pinkie said between mouthfulls of whipped cream. “If somepony hugged her, she wouldn’t be happy?”

“I’m in no position to speculate about alicorn biology or their endorphin release from socialization.” Rarity shrugged. “But I know that mentally Twilight is a stunted little foal. I warrant that she stopped developing emotionally the second she gained her god powers in her youth. The way she treats others, death, creation, love and sexuality, and herself… It’s all the way a child acts.”

“Dang.” Applejack whistled. Rarity made a lot of sense. “Y’all’re right I think.”

Rainbow agreed. “Man I hate kids. It totally explains it if we’ve been dealing with a pony still living through her terrible twos.”

Pinkie tapped her chin thoughtfully, then spoke up. “Counterargument: Twilight eats her peas. Little fillies hate eating their peas. Ergo Twilight not a filly.”

Applejack grunted. “How long y’all been searchin for an excuse to use ‘ergo’ inna sentence?”

Pinkie grinned. “Like four months.”

“Hey don’t ignore us. Like how are we going to deal with Twilight being a babby-brain?” Rainbow demanded. “Can we still be friends with her?”

“I don’t see how anything’s gunna change.” Applejack shrugged. “Just ‘cause she’s childish don’t make her a literal child, Dash.”

“It’s not statutory based on mental age anyway.” Fluttershy spoke up, then wilted under everyone’s baffled looks. “I- It was in a story I read once, about ancient magical princesses with filly bodies who fight evil.”

“You mean real life?” Rarity quirked a brow.

“I’m not talking about that anyway, obviously.” Rainbow laughed hollowly. “I meant it’d be totally lame to be friends with a baby. Babies can’t do sick tricks.”

“She’s not that young, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity admonished. “But come to think of it, I don’t know how old Twilight really is.”

“She never keeps it straight is why. She says 20 one day, 20,000 the next, but it don’t make a lick’a difference. Twilight’s a bit…” Applejack gestured, trying to explain the concept. “Well it’s mighty difficult to explain.”

“Un-constant.” Rainbow contributed.

“Inconsistent.” Rarity agreed.

“I was gunna say the opposite. She’s static.” Applejack shook her head. “Ya can’t nail down her opinions on anything cause she never develops them. You can expect her to be weird, sometimes mean, and always feelin sorry fer herself. In that way she's static, see.”

The gang mulled over the implications of the two models for Twilight-ish behavior.

“I can’t even tell if she likes us.” Fluttershy sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know if I like her.”

“She annoys the crap out of me and I’d be totally happy if she went away forever and stopped bothering us.” Rainbow took an angry bite of her sandwich. “But at the same time I want to be a part of the crazy stuff that happens around her. Not like I have a choice, as she enjoys reminding us.”

Everypony nodded mutely.

Rainbow tapped the table. “Loopty-looping back to my question, do you think Twilight loves Luna?”

“Every way I look at it, their ‘relationship’ is creepy as heck.” Applejack waved the waiter over to have her glass of water refilled. “Luna’s just like a filly herself, though it’s more that she regressed while moonside. Can you imagine what it was like gettin the evil ripped outta ya by the Elements of Harmony, and the next morning getting pushed into that crazy wedding.”

“I was mostly sober the whole time and I still look back on that wedding with…” Rarity cleared her throat. “Mixed feelings of shock and horror. The poor darling must must have been traumatized.”

“I’m not asking about Luna’s trauma, though if I was I’d agree it’d be way big. Big, big trauma.” Rainbow snorted. “But I’m asking if Twilight loves Luna. One sentence answer go!”

“As much as she is capable of loving anything, which is not much.” Rarity shrugged.

“Eh…” Applejack nodded side to side indecisively.

“I love Twilight, and I love Luna, so by the commutative property Twilight loves Luna!” Pinkie giggled. Everyone stared at her with looks that said ‘ that’s not what we’re talking about, don’t derail the discussion ‘, but Pinkie continued to hum obviously.

Fluttershy sighed. “Twilight’s really needy. She loves, craves, and needs Luna. Luna, as much as she fears Twilight, needs Twilight back. I don’t want to say their relationship is unhealthy-”

Applejack burst out laughing. “Hardly needs sayin girl. I seen sturdier relationships on jenga towers in quicksand. Ya don’t commit yourself bodily and mentally to a mare because they comfort yer wild neurosis.”

“I think you are all making the fatal mistake of applying normal rules to Twilight Sparkle.” Rarity sipped from her water.

The waiter trotted up to the table carrying a covered platter. He set it at the empty seat and stepped back.

“Pardon me, but who is that for?” Rarity queried.

“The princess.” The waiter said.

The chair pulled out and Twilight Sparkle appeared upon it with a wet magical pop. “Hi girls. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

Everypony’s eyes shifted around guiltily. They hoped upon hope Twilight’s near omniscient senses hadn’t picked up on their conversation.

“Twilight, darling so good to see you.” Rarity gave a forced laugh. “I hope the hour since this lunch was supposed to start were spent productively.”

“Oh you bet!” Twilight nodded, then motioned to the waiter.

The waiter pulled the cover off the platter, revealing a teeming mass of bulbous winged insects. Buzzing in agitation, the swarm launched in every direction, chirring and gnashing their oversized teeth. Everypony besides Twilight screamed in surprise and panic.

“Rarity, remember when I offered to show you some parasprites? Well here we go!” Twilight cackled madly. She hopped up on the table, kicking plates and glasses aside, and began launching magic bolts into the sky. Clumps of burning parasprite fell to the ground all around them.

--

Half an hour later, and the last of the parasprites had been crisped.
Rarity was looking miserable, laying her head on the table trying not to think about her now bedraggled mane. Pinkie was licking the last dollops of cream out of her bowl and Rainbow Dash was eating Applejack’s sandwich. Fluttershy was missing, and Applejack had just up and left.
Twilight had piled a dozen well-cooked parasprites on her plate and was devouring them with gusto. “Parasprite is best eaten fresh, but you have to be careful. They can limp away if they’re anything less than well done.” She said. “Aren’t you going to have any Rarity?”

Rarity lifted her head slightly. “Sorry darling, I just ate.”

Twilight was crestfallen. “Oh… I mean I got them for you. I was pretty late I guess.” She went back to munching.

Rainbow nudged Rarity and whispered to her. “Hey, don’t you want to ask her?”

“Hmm? Oh yes. Ahem, Twilight, are you going to do something about all the ponies the parasprites ate?”

Twilight looked around the plaza, where there were bit and pieces of pony that the utterly horrific parasprites had left from their predation. The zebra was still standing in front of the fountain, staring back at her judgingly.
“Of course I will. That’s my top priority.” Twilight nodded emphatically. “Remind me again after lunch, if you don’t mind.” She shifted her gaze a bit to Rainbow Dash, who was giving her strange and speculative looks. “Would you like some parasprite Rainbow?”

“Uh, we had a different question in mind. We were wondering… because you see earlier we were talking about stuff and such as….” Rainbow rubbed her shoulder nervously. “We were wondering about Luna. What’s she like?”

Pinkie butted in and abandoned all subtlety. “Do you love her a lot, or a little?”

Twilight’s brow furrowed. “You’re asking me if I love my wife?”

“Uh…” Rainbow waffled. “I- I guess so.”

Twilight pursed her lips, and after a minute of silent thought, shrugged. “I’m the only pony she feels comfortable telling the truth around. In Canterlot with Celestia, she’s always tip-toeing around etiquette and her sister’s fragile feelings. I give her language lessons, I listen to her thoughts about the world, and I show her affection, and in exchange she tolerates me, idiosyncrasies and all. Maybe it’s not love, but you can see it from here.”
It was a remarkably warm answer from a pony eating a plateful of charred parasprites.

“Idiosyncrasies?” Rarity sat up. “T- That’s…” She squirmed and scowled. “No. I refuse to believe you! There’s no evidence that you believe anything you just said. We’ve seen how you use and abuse Luna!”

Twilight scoffed. “Can’t understand our relationship, Rarity? That’s fine.” She took a crunchy bite of parasprite. “But obviously I wasn’t giving the whole picture, for politeness' sake.”

“Ah ha!” Rarity grinned triumphantly. “Reveal to us the horrible truth!”

“I’ve gotta confess, Luna’s pretty cute. All the better that she’s pretty cute for me. It’s not so bad that my politically expedient marriage is also a union of the two most darling ponies in Equestria, is it?” Twilight smiled wistfully into the distance, then soured a bit. “Honestly Rarity, if I were somepony else I’d be pretty annoyed at you. It’s not nice to try to pry into a relationship like that.”

Rarity lay her head own again in defeat.

Pinkie Pie’s curiosity got the better of her and she leaned over to snatch a parasprite off Twilight’s plate. She took a modest bite off its wing and an explosion of color filled her eyes. She lost all sense of balance and she fell forward on the table, drooling and whimpering.

“Whoa whoa!” Rainbow ran around the table to her friend’s aide. “Pinkie are you okay? Pinkie?”

“Oh yeah I should have mentioned parasprite is a STRONG hallucinogenic.” Twilight giggled, slicing off a portion of the bulbous insect and popping it into her mouth. “I’m high as balls right now.”

“Marvelous. Let’s all pray you don’t remember that conversation we just had in a soberer moment.” Rarity mumbled. She eyed the parasprite, wondering if the fantastical places it could take her were better or worse than Twilight Sparkle’s equestria.

Author's Note

Merry belated Afghan New Year, everyone. I hope you all enjoyed your traditional gifts of wool, poppies, and lamb's brain.

Winter Soldier

The white snows blanketed the hills around Ponyville. Inside the village, diligent snow-plowing and the gentle heat radiating off the houses kept it walkable. Ponies chatted and laughed, going up and down their business with their friends and family. It was a lovely time of the year, cozy, quiet, and delightfully lethargic.

And Twilight Sparkle, pretty alicorn princess, was as miserable as always. Slumped against her mailbox, in just her fur, she stared disdainfully at passers by, up to her waist in snow.

“Winter is a time of death. In winter, famine and frostbite gnaw you into dust.” She mumbled, just loud enough to be overheard by the ponies crossing the street to give her wide berth. “By the rules of nature, the weak will crack, wither, and become dust in winter. The strong survive to repopulate.”

She heard the Golden Oak Library’s front door creak open and closed, the the crunch of somepony approaching.
“Twilight, we’re out of cocoa. I’m going to get some from the store, okay?” Spike said. The little dragon was wearing a scarf and boots.

Twilight looked over her shoulder to him. “Society is a wretched thing, isn’t it? All it has done is make it possible for the weak to survive and prosper. The strong, like you and me, are hobbled.”

“Yeah, that’s kinda the point of society.” Spike scratched his cheek. “Also, I think that was the single nicest sentence you’ve ever said to me.”

“The advances of civilization have made ponies fragile. They don’t know how to ration themselves, knowing that when reserves run out they can just import food from elsewhere.” Twilight went on, speaking in a bitter whisper. “They complain when their outrageous luxuries falter even for a moment.”

“Twilight, you minge CONSTANTLY when we’re missing your treats. That’s why I’m getting more cocoa.” Spike pointed out, torn between snickering and sighing. “Like, you could conjure unlimited amounts of cocoa from the eather, but you specifically want to complain about not having it.”

That did not produce an improvement in Twilight’s mood. “I’m complaining about your failure! How are you going to improve as a logistician and survivalist if I don’t complain about your mistakes?”

“Logistician? Twilight that doesn’t make any sense.” Spike walked around in front of her. “And since I am going to get cocoa, I’m not making a mistake. What do you think of that?”

“Yeah whatever. You’re lucky I’m too lazy to poke a hole in your argument.” Twilight said, laying her head back against the mailbox and closing her eyes.

Spike strongly considered leaving her there. “Alright I’ll bite. Is something wrong, Twilight? Why are you so specifically angry at ponies surviving the winter?”

Twilight shrugged. “It’s just… It’s all a ridiculous farce. In the old days winter was an unavoidable climatological-atronomilogical phenomenon. Now, it’s so closely controlled and manufactured. Like, what does winter DO for anypony? It just exists as an antithesis to the productivity and fertility of summer. It’s just a waste of time! If I’m going to be trapped on this planet among the prole ponies, it might as well be an actually interesting time of year, like spring, summer, or autumn!”

Spike was starting to get an idea of her actual frustration. “You asked Celestia to cancel winter, didn’t you.”

“And she laughed at me!” Twilight threw up her hooves. “And Luna took her side! Something about how many hours of night there were versus other times of the year. Fickle minx! I thought she was supposed to take my side.”

“You know Twilight, just because you don’t like winter doesn’t mean everypony feels that way.” Spike said.

“And they matter?” Twilight arched a brow.

“They might know something you don’t.” Spike said, then immediately regretted it for the dirty look Twilight gave him. “I mean, their perspective might be interesting and make you look at things differently.”

“That’s highly unlikely. Anyone who appreciates this miserable time of year is either crazy or sour.” Twilight said. “But… I’ve been convinced of worse things before. Eh, whatever. Let’s see what ponykind’s worst has to offer.” She stood up, disturbing the pristine layer of snow that had fallen over her. “Come on Spike.”

“But what about the cocoa?” Spike asked.

Remind me later and “I’ll just conjure some.” Twilight promised.

Spike rolled his eyes, fully knowing that she would shout at him if he ever brought it up again.

Rarity was sitting in the riverside park, trying her hoof at some idle hobby craftwork, making wicker bird nests. She wasn’t very good at it yet, but she relished how much she’d improved over the past week.

Suddenly a familiar voice from behind her. “I could make all this go away you know.”

Rarity felt a sinking feeling. “Oh hello Twilight darling. Finally decided to destroy Ponyville?”

“Hmm? No, I mean winter.” Twilight clarified, much to Rarity’s relief, then confusion. “Doesn’t it feel hollow knowing its artificial, that it could be made to go away at any moment? Doesn’t that take away from the romanticism of the ice and snow? Nature didn’t give you this frozen wonderland: Ponies did.”

“You can say that about a lot of things, darling. Night and day, the tides, the breeze and clouds… Ponykind is master of its domain.” Rarity thought on the fly. It was usually a good idea to capitulate to whatever mad arguments Twilight Sparkle made, but there wasn’t the usual venom in the princess’s voice, so Rarity decided it was safe to have an actual discussion. “All the same, we are its daughter. The way nature has been controlled is like a daughter caring for its mother.”

“Uhh, it’s more like a daughter confining its mother. Last I checked, nature didn’t need our doting to do its thing.” Twilight said. “If anything, your analogy just heightens the horror. You’d be disgusted if you saw a mare shoving around her mother, elderly and decipit or not.”

Rarity’s expression drooped. “Yes, quite.”

Spike nudged Twilight. “Twilight, try asking a more open-ended question.”

“Sure.” Twilight cleared her throat. “What do you like about winter, Rarity?”

“The picturesqueness of snowy hills, warm cottages, and blanketed forests. It makes me feel fuzzy inside. It’s a time to snuggle under the blankets and close my eyes.” Rarity said dreamilly. “All the better if you have a friend or lover by your side.”

Twilight glanced away. “Uh huh.”

Rarity pursed her lips afraid she’d touched a nerve. “The change of seasons is the beating heart of my dress shop. I can’t help but be attached to the poetry of it.”

“It’s plagiarized poetry.” Twilight muttered. She shrugged. “Okay then. I’m not getting anything mindblowing out of you. It’s all sentimental garbo.”

“Twilight that’s what we were asking for.” Spike frowned.

“I don’t relate to Rarity’s experiences at all. She’s giving me anecdotes that resonate like a brick.” Twilight said. “It’s like Wittgenstein's lion over here.”

“If I understood that reference I’m sure I would be insulted, so I’ll be properly incised if you want me do be.” Rarity offered.

“Don’t bother. I have to go ask the others about their thoughts.” Twilight said, turning her back and taking a few steps. “Well, I don’t have to, but you know how it is. Come on Spike!”

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were in the town square, enjoying mugs of hot chocolate, when Fluttershy’s look became fearful.

“Code purple.” She whispered to Pinkie.

“Hey what’s up!” Twilight galloped over to them. “How are you two enjoying winter?”

“It’s, um, cold.” Fluttershy said softly.

“The snow reminds me of powdered sugar.” Pinkie nodded enthusiastically.

“Do either of you have deeper beliefs about why winter is good, and how that it’s just an artifice of pony creation doesn’t undermine its meaningfulness?”

“By controlling winter, we become winter’s custodians. Ponies do take control of nature, but only so we can make it more humane and peaceful. Pony winter is calm, gentile, and makes sure no creatures of the land or forest suffer need because of it.” Fluttershy said.

“So, completely removing every thematic tooth of winter.” Twilight deadpanned.

“You want creatures to suffer?”

“At least it’s something! At least it’s not this mealy-mouthed sputtering, ‘winter’, quote-unquote. Why not have perpetual summer and spring, if we didn’t want creatures to suffer the depravities of winter.” Twilight hissed. “And yes I know about animal life cycles or whatever, but you’re presenting animal suffering as a-priori bad. Might as well lock all animals into cages and inject them with dopamine or cocaine if all we care about was that they felt good.”

“You know, snow reminds me of cocaine too.” Pinkie interrupted.

Fluttershy sighed. “I don’t want to argue with you Twilight. Animal caretakers have a creed that seeks to be as minimally disruptive as possible, but still give animals a good, fulfilling life.”

“Death is part of life, Fluttershy, and we’re stealing death from them.” Twilight grunted. She turned to Pinkie Pie. “How about you? Anything to add?”

“Not really. I just really like powdered sugar.” Pinkie shrugged. “Oh, and ice-skating is pretty cool, even if we have those year-round rinks nowadays.”

“I hate ice skating.” Twilight growled.

“So nothing convinced you yet?” Spike prompted.

“No. I’m feeling even more secure in my hate of winter.” Twilight announced. “Have a nice day girls. Try not to think too hard about the thin veneer of it all.”

“Bye Twilight.” Fluttershy whispered over her hot chocolate.

“See ya!” Pinkie beamed.

“And here we come to what promises to be the two most compelling opinions, from the two most unlikely sources.” Twilight said to herself, approaching Applejack and Rainbow Dash who were making snow-sculptures outside town.

“Ahoy! Twilight’s come to see us!” Dash shouted across the field.

“Celestia be praised.” Applejack said.

“Yeah yeah.” Twilight snickered. “Having fun?”

“Generally? No. Not much to do on my farm during winter.” Applejack said. “But this right here is kinda fun. Look, I made Apple Bloom over there, and this here is a cow.”

Twilight regarded the amorphous piles of snow. “Uh huh.”

“I’ve mostly been making snow-angels.” Dash supplied.

“Yeah, that’s all great.” Twilight cleared her throat. “But I want to know your opinions about winter, specifically how we ponies build and control it.”

“I think controlling the weather’s pretty neat. It’s challenging and rewarding.” Dash said. “The winter strategy room in Cloudsdale is the most amazing place. Planning clouds, calculating snowmelt, and all that stuff.”

“Drivel.” Twilight said.

Dash made a hurt expression. “Snowmelt is important.”

“Just have more rain.” Twilight bit. “And besides the absorption coefficients of snow versus ground means you’re spending much more time adding then melting snow, as opposed to rainclouds once or twice.”

“You’re making that up. Snow is an efficient time-dispersal method of water.” Dash said, crossing her hooves.

“Then that’s pretty embarrassing if its the best method you’ve got.” Twilight laughed.

“Ya sound like you’re anti-winter.” Applejack observed.

“I’m anti whatever this fake winter we have can be called.” Twilight said. “Pseudo-winter.”

“Yeah, I’m not a big fan of it myself. Winter used to mean something scary, that stuck in your head. It was hard times back in the day, when winter preparation was the difference between life and death.” Applejack said. “But before y’all think I’m agreeing with you, I don’t think those hard times should be romanticized as such. I don’t glorify perseverance porn.”

“Exactly MY point. I think we should abolish winter, if the only way to have it is if its half-hearted and artificial.” Twilight said. “Year-round summer and spring.”

“Ya can’t have spring without winter.” Applejack pointed out.

Twilight frowned. “I’m sure we can find a way.”

“That sounds like a bunch more trouble than putting on winter.” Applejack said. “Even a short winter moves the plants and animals into the next part of their life cycles. Recreating that animal by animal sound like the most laborious thing ever.”

“Wow Applejack, you sound like you’ve really thought about this stuff.” Dash said, impressed.

“Don’t a year go by a farmer doesn’t think about getting rid of winter.” Applejack chuckled.

Twilight thought for a moment, having been presented with the first good counterpoint. “Why have a long winter? Why not have a winter as short as possible to sustain the ecosystem?”

“Well Twi, it think it’s that truncating winter like that would be even more artificial than it already is.” Applejack said. “If we get rid of winter, we’ll be getting rid of a part of ourselves. We don’t suffer during winter anymore, but experiencing it reminds of us our past when we did have to fight to survive.”

“Sounds like a very shallow commemoration.” Twilight muttered.

“It does be like that sometimes.” Applejack shrugged. “Better than no commemoration at all.” She motioned at Dash. “Besides Twi, we live in a society, and I don’t mind too much to have a winter if ponies like Dash or Rarity enjoy it.”

“That’s really sweet, Applejack.” Rainbow Dash snarked.

“And y’all snow angels look like boogers.” Applejack laughed.

“Uhh, hypocrite alert. Your snow cow looks like a three year old made it.” Dash said. She nudged Twilight. “Hey Twi, can you be the judge here? Which one looks better, hers or mine?”

Twilight, who had been lost in thought, blinked. “Uhh, what?” She looked between the mares. “I don’t know, its about equal. Dash, I literally didn’t know those were supposed to be snow angels until you said so. They just look like weird depressions in the snow, and that’s not helped by the fact you trampled all around them, muddying the shape. Applejack, I’ve seen truer to life representations of ponies in deconstructivist postmodern art, than what you’ve made here today. They’re gaushe and amateurish.” She sighed. “But in your own ways, the innocence of your efforts are too cute to criticize. There’s an earnestness at work here. There’s an earnestness in all ponykind. I think that’s why I haven’t turned this village into a molten puddle of stone yet.”

“Wow, that was a trip. I was insulted, heartened, then afraid.” Dash said.

“Y’all have any more questions for us Twi?” Applejack asked.

“Nah. I’m just wondering where I left Spike.” Twilight said. A scowl came over her features. “You know what, I bet he slipped off to go buy cocoa after seeing Fluttershy and Pinkie with their hot chocolates! That twirp. I told him not to.”

“Fluttershy and Pinkie have hot chocolate?” Dash’s ears perked. “Wanna join them Applejack?”

“I ain’t doing much else, since art critics just shut down my creative career.” Applejack nodded.
The two mares started on the way back to Ponyville.

Twilight lay down in the snow again.
“Grr.” She didn’t like that Applejack’s arguments had been decently persuasive. “Buck snow. Buck winter.”

She lay there for a while.

She didn’t know how long it was when she heard the crunch of snow, approaching steps.

“Twilight?” It was Rarity’s voice. “Twilight, we’re all having hot chocolate at your house. Spike wanted to see if you’re okay and if you want to join us. It’s almost dusk. It will get cold out.”

“Cold doesn’t affect me.” Twilight said bitterly. “I could shave myself and go diving at the arctic circle, and my alicorn god-dom would leave me hotter than I went in.”

Rarity was silent for a while. “Twilight, we want you to come join us. It’s warmer by the fire… and with friends.”

Twilight let out a strained breath. She rolled onto her stomach, then pushed herself up. “I don’t feel any of this. Cold, heat, sure it gives me sensations, but none of the context. No pain, no discomfort. Wittgenstein's lion again. I could force myself to feel something, but that would be an even greater artifice, without the real biological urgency behind it.”

Rarity shifted on her hooves. “I’m sorry about that.” She offered quietly.

Twilight stared at her for a long while, then asked. “Did Spike get talking?”

“He wasn’t indescreete, but he did imply you had very difficult times as a filly in Canterlot during this time of year.” Rarity said sympathetically. “Growing up an alicorn sounds like it would be very hard on a developing young mare.”

Twilight ground her teeth a bit. “Nah. It was whatever. It’s like normal except you’re massively powerful, can’t get hurt… and, you know… various things stemming from those two things.” She trudged towards Rarity, eyes distant. Then with a sudden sternness she said. “Don’t talk about this ever again, Rarity.”

Rarity nodded.

The two mares made their way back to Ponyville, where the heat from the homes had melted the snow. The wet streets were empty now. All the sounds had been withdrawn into the houses.

Twilight had to concede that there was a good argument about how the snows brought the ponies together. Perhaps that had been engineered, or just a coincidence, as pony society had worked to replicate with science the patterns of nature that had forged their culture in the primordial past. Ponies didn’t struggle with famine or frostbite anymore, but there were still plenty of problems that could be solved by simple banding together. Approaching home, Twilight experienced one of them, as her nervous tension slowly dissipated as she thought about spending the next few hours joking and sipping hot chocolate with the ponies she tolerated most.

Author's Note

Read back through the past chapters of this story makes me cringe. Newsflash past me, gay panic and ablism is gaushe. I am tempted to revise them, but ultimately, they will stand as a testament to the past. Revisionism is a strong instinct within me. I'm self-conscious like that, paralyzingly fearful of judgement, hungry for validation. I wish I was brave enough to smoke weed- That would either vastly improve my writing or instantly destroy my neurotic creative urge.

Oh crap, I forgot to make any jokes this chapter. Uhh...