“WhatdoIdo, whatdoIdo, whatdoIdo?” mumbled Twilight as she paced back and forth.
Spike raised his claw. “I don’t see why you need to only hang out with Celestia at the Grand Galloping Gala. Can’t you just drop in on her any old day?”
Twilight smiled. “Hey, yeah, you’re right.” Her smile vanished with a groan. “But that still leaves five ponies to share two tickets with. I don’t know Spike. Maybe I’ll think more clearly once I-oh!” Twilight collided with another pony. “Sorry, I…”
She stopped as she saw the stallion she’d bumped into; a yellow earth pony with a curly lilac mane. He was on the scrawny side, and extremely clean. His saddlebags were covering his cutie mark, and he looked a little nervous. “No, that’s OK,” he said in a soft voice.
Twilight kept looking at him. “I think I’ve seen you somewhere.”
He swallowed. “Yeah, ponies are always telling me that,” he said a little too quickly. “I just have one of those familiar faces I guess. Still, no harm done and I have somewhere I have to be, so…”
Twilight stomped her hoof on the ground. “Of course! Dr. Friendly Advice! The Teenage Psychiatrist! The youngest graduate from Canterlot Medical College in history! I’ve read your book How to Study For Twenty-Four Hours and Still Retain Everything like a bajillion times, it’soneofmyfavoritebookseverofalltimeandNOWIFINALLYGETTOMEETYOU!”
Advice’s nervous smile vanished as he straightened up and stared at the pony bouncing in circles around him. “Yeah, that’s me,” he said, almost turning the statement into a question.
“What are you doing here,” Spike said as he held out a claw in front of Twilight. “Aren’t you supposed to live in Canterlot?”
“Not anymore, I’ve relocated here.”
Twilight Sparkle, now at a halt, beamed. “Well, you picked a good place to move to. How long have you been here?”
“Just a day. I actually start work at Ponyville General this afternoon. For someone who knows a lot about me, you’re being surprisingly... star-struck.”
Twilight shrugged. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” She turned to Spike. “Did I miss something while I was busy?”
Spike looked at Twilight, then back at Advice. “Well,” he said, “It’s just that…”
He whispered something into Twilight’s ear. Advice’s heart sank as her eyes widened. “Wow.” She turned to Advice. “I’m sorry. I’ve been extremely busy, so I’m a little behind on current events. First I was trying to find something on Star Swirl the Bearded’s lost spell, then I got caught up in a few of Princess Celestia’s requests, and before I knew it, several months had gone by and...”
“Don’t worry about it,” he told her. “Your not-knowing is probably the most pleasant reaction I’ve gotten to this since everything happened. It’s pretty much settled and I just want to get over it,” he said.
“Well, I’d say you picked the right place to do that.” She motioned around with her hoof. “Despite my earlier misgivings, this is a good place to live. A little remote, but the ponies here are good ponies.”
“Yeah,” Spike agreed, “really good, especially Rarity.”
Twilight playfully rolled her eyes as Spike stared off into the sky, his eyes half closed. “I’m…”
“Twilight Sparkle, personal student of Princess Celestia, and this is your loyal assistant, Spike.”
Twilight smiled. “Yep, that’s us. We were sent here by Princess Celestia to study more about the magic of friendship.”
“How long have you been here?”
“Not long, almost a week.”
Advice smiled. “Excellent, three newbies just getting the chance to discover a new town together.”
Twilight nodded as her stomach growled. “Yeah,” she said with a blush on her cheeks, “starting with a good restaurant. Have you eaten yet?”
Advice nodded. “Uh, yeah. I actually found a pretty good place just down the road.”
“Would you mind walking and talking or...”
Advice checked his pocket watch, which hung from a necklace. “No, now that you’ve proven you’re not going to bite my head off, I think I have enough time to show you.”
“Great.”
Twilight called to Spike and the three started walking. “So,” Twilight said, “why Ponyville?”
Advice shrugged. “Princess Celestia said there was a job here.”
Twilight and Spike stared at him. “Wait, Princess Celestia?” Spike asked. “As in, ruler of Equestria Princess Celestia? I mean, I know you’re famous and all, but how’d that happen?”
“Long story,” Advice said. “It began five days ago, around noon. Everything had just happened and I was feeling kind of down, so I decided to have a little, ehem, less than legal fun...”
<*>
Advice landed in a heap on the other side of the wall, in the private portion of the Canterlot Castle hedge maze. He was absolutely filthy and his coat and mane had faded. He rubbed his head as he gazed over the Royal Gardens. Nopony around. Dehydrated and delirious as he was, he could tell that was odd. Even with at least one alicorn in residence, there should have been some other guards, especially at noon. This wasn’t going to be as much fun as he’d hoped.
Advice walked around a bush and stopped in his tracks. Before him, in the middle of a small ring of hedges was a beautiful fountain with the figures of the two Royal Sisters, Celestia in gold and the either long-lost or long-dead Luna in silver. The two were walking together and laughing about some joke or prank that nopony knew. The waters that emerged from their horns and wingtips was completely clear and fell into a pool tiled with swirls of rainbow colors and black and blue stone. It was all perfectly polished, perfectly maintained, simply perfect.
Until Advice began slurping out of the pool, that is. He didn’t even bother to taste the pure water, he just guzzled it down for a few seconds before he lifted his head. He looked around again. Still no-one. He began peeking through the shrubs, only to find nopony hiding in them. Puzzled, he merely went back to the pool and began slurping again.
“HOLD, INTRUDER!”
Advice spat out his mouthful of water as he was lifted by the tail and spun around. Before him was a dark blue alicorn mare with a light blue mane. Advice felt that he had seen this pony before, but she didn’t look like any of the alicorns he had heard of. The fog in his head didn’t help matters either.
“THOU HAST INTRUDED UPON THE MOST SACRED OF PLACES WITHIN THE ROYAL GARDEN! EXPLAIN THYSELF!”
Advice rubbed his head. “You mind toning it down a little, seriously, I’m, like, two lengths away from you. If you keep speaking like I’m deaf, you’ll probably make it so. And as for why I’m here, I don’t know, maybe I just wanted a drink?”
The alicorn seemed to have a minor conniption. “A drink? A dri... THIS IS THE ROYAL SISTERS’ FOUNTAIN, AND THOU DECIDEDEST TO PUT THY FILTHY MOUTH INTO IT?”
Advice covered his ears during her outburst. “Hey, hey, relax, OK? I mean, I just drank out of it, OK? It’s not like I bathed in it.” He stopped, then giggled. “Oh, wait, no, yeah I might’ve totally bathed in it. I kinda’ haven’t scrubbed myself down for a few days.”
The alicorn levitated him right in front of her face. “Thou shalt suffer for this,” she hissed, “as much as it is within our abilities to make thee suffer.”
“Wonderful, just so long as all of you,” he mumbled something.
She pulled him closer. “What was that?”
Mumble mumble.
She held him so close that their faces touched. “What?” she hissed.
Suddenly, Advice stretched forward and kissed her on the lips. Then he swung his forehooves and clapped her horn between them. As she cried out in pain, she dropped him. “TAG, YOU’RE IT!” With that, he leapt into one of the nearby hedges.
<*>
Twilight Sparkle motioned with her hoof. “Waitaminute, wait a minute. You actually attacked Princess Luna? And kissed her, to boot?”
Advice nodded and smiled. “Mm-hmm. The ‘what’ was wrong of me, but I will be bragging about the ‘who’ until the day I die. I’ll have it carved on my tombstone if she’ll let me. Anyways...”
<*>
The alicorn shook her head, and Advice could swear that her ears had started to steam. “THOU ROTTEN HORSEAPPLE!” she screamed, her voice distorted, “WE SHALL TAKE OFF THY HEAD WHEN WE SEE IT!” She began to look around the hedges, eyes aglow. Occasionally she blasted at one of them with magic, leaving a large hole in the hedge.
Maybe it was the water talking, but Advice began to think that this was a bad idea as she got closer and closer to his section of the hedge. His eyes darted around for some stone he could throw, or some other thing he could use to distract her. Alas, he could find nothing, and he could feel the force from her blasting…
“Your highness?”
The alicorn whipped around, energy gathering on the tip of her horn. “WHAT IS I…”
A royal guard yelped and jumped back. The alicorn’s eyes immediately stopped glowing, and her angry expression vanished. “We apologize,” she murmured softly. “What was it thou wishedest to say?”
The guard seemed to regain himself, although he was still visibly shaken. “Your sister was wondering if you would be willing to have lunch with her. She said to tell you there would be daisy salad.”
The alicorn frowned as she thought for a moment. “I thank thee. Give my sister my thanks, but inform her that I will be in the garden for lunch.”
The guard nodded with a jitter. “Yes, your highness. As you wish.” He then turned and trotted towards the castle.
Friendly Advice, who had taken advantage of the distraction to pick his way out of the hedge, stopped and peeked through another hedge. The alicorn who had been murderously enraged not a minute ago had laid herself down on the grass and was rubbing at her eyes.
For a few moments, Advice’s heart fell. Then he frowned, snorted, and turned away.
“HALT!”
Another guard. Quick as an arrow, Friendly Advice stumbled back into the hedge before the guard could lock any kind of magic on him. He bulled his way down the hedge, ignoring his pounding headache and the multiple scrapes of the hedges.
He had forgotten about what was hiding on the other side of the hedge.
Suddenly, he was hit with a blast of magic, which paralyzed him. He was then yanked from the hedge and found himself once again face-to-face with the angry alicorn.
“Wrong hedge?” he asked.
The alicorn’s magical grip tightened. “Do not jest with us,” the alicorn hissed. “We are not inclined to laughter at the moment.”
“Me neither. Comes with almost being blown up.”
Her grip flickered and her frown faded. “We would not have destroyed thee, merely…” She scowled. “Why do we speak of this with thee?”
“Because you’re trying to justify getting all worked up over an unwashed heathen in your precious fountain?”
“Tread lightly, ‘unwashed heathen’,” she spat, “you know nothing of our pain.”
He rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah, I bet I know nothing of the pains of the rich and powerful. What, do the feeble citizenry not all lie shaking at your feet?”
The alicorn winced. “That is enough.”
“Oh, wait, maybe the staff think you’re too much of a nightmare to wait upon.”
“I warn you…”
“Of course, I’m probably low-balling it. Maybe you finally realized that, despite all your pomp and bluster, no matter what you do, you’ll never even be one-tenth as beloved or remembered as Princess Celestia?”
“ENOUGH!”
Advice shot backwards as if he’d been fired out of a cannon, crashing through several hedges and rolling into a clearing until he finally came to a stop. He tried to get up, but something pinned him to the ground. He looked up, and his shock gave way to terror.
Her coat changed before his eyes from dark blue to black. Her wings lost their feathers, and grew into more bat-like attire. Her horn had lengthened until it was touching his throat. Her eyes literally shone like searchlights. Her very presence inspired a chill in his heart that spread throughout his body. The sight of her burrowed through his memory, and finally returned a name to his lips.
“Nightmare Moon.”
<*>
“What? No,” Twilight snapped. “No way that happened. I, that is…”
“You and your five new friends used the Elements of Harmony to banish Nightmare Moon from Princess Luna, thus freeing her from the influence of her evil alter ego,” Advice rattled off. “Well, I didn’t know that at the time, and I wasn’t exactly galloping on all hooves, so forgive me for assuming right off the bat that I had just unleashed a psychotic bogeymare on the world. It looked like Nightmare Moon was supposed to look, I felt the same chill Nightmare Moon was supposed to emit, the idea that she was trying to terrify me into not unwittingly pushing her buttons anymore did not cross my mind.”
<*>
Nightmare Moon smiled at him. “The same.”
He stared at her in terror, then quickly glanced around him. There was nopony around, just him and her. He felt around for something to strike her with, but found absolutely nothing. “Y-you, you’re not real,” he stammered. “You’re j-j-just a-...”
The apparition grinned. “...an old ponies’ tale? And yet I walk the earth again. Thou, however, will soon be buried in it.” A black ball of lightning formed on the end of her horn. “Have thee any final words?”
Advice’s heart raced like a madman as he tried to think of something to say, some plea that might save him from the evil before him, but nothing was coming. No plea formed itself, no clever remark coalesced.
“Thou shouldest make ha-aste,” she sang. “I will not wait forever.”
As Advice gave up, his life flashed before his eyes. As it did, his breathing slowed, and his heart settled. At the end of the flashback, he laid back and calmly looked up at her.
“Go nuts,” he said. “Not like I’ve got anything else to lose.”
Nightmare Moon’s smile vanished for a moment, but quickly returned. “Art thou certain?” she teased. “I can be a very creative torturer.”
“Go ahead and try,” Advice said. “I’ve lost everything: money, reputation, friends, especially my best friends. I’ve really got nothing left to...”
<*>
Advice’s voice faded and his face fell. Spike and Twilight looked at each other, then back at him. “Doc?” Spike asked.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just, a lot of emotional baggage caught up with me, and I still need to sort through it.”
He wiped his eyes. Twilight and Spike both remained awkwardly silent until a thought entered Twilight’s head. “Advice,” she asked, “when you jumped over the fence, were you…”
“No,” he said, then he winced. “Sort of. It was more like I just didn’t care what happened to me. Six of one, half-a-dozen of the other, really. Thankfully for me...”
<*>
Nightmare Moon’s smile vanished, turning into a frown, and then a puzzled expression. The black lightning vanished, a light came over the bogeymare, and the alicorn from before appeared before him. Advice stared at her for a moment before something clicked in his delirious mind. “Are you… no… are you Princess Luna?”
The Princess stared at him. “Thou...didst not know me?”
“No? I thought you were dead or something.”
Luna stood silent for a moment. “Oh, yes, that is right. I am sorry,” she told Advice. “I thought that,” she sniffed, “that you were...but my sister...” She kept sniffling until she fell to her knees with a loud wail. “WHY AM I SUCH A FOOL?”
When Advice rubbed away the spike in his headache, his heart melted at the sight in front of him. Whatever had remained of the dignified Princess had shattered, leaving a sobbing mess in its place. Advice stumbled closer towards the princess. Then he stopped as he remembered the last time a pony had fed him that act. He wrestled with himself and the grinding in his skull, wavering over Luna. Finally, he sighed, walked over to the princess and patted her on the shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” he told the sobbing princess, “I’d love to help, but I’m the last pony you want right now.”
(...)
At the entrance to the garden was a statue of an ugly creature, a creature made of the parts of too many animals. For far too long, Discord had waited for his freedom. But now, the spell binding him had weakened and his more passive powers had started to return. Discord sensed around his immediate environs. He knew he could not afford to be caught now, but he just wanted to cause a little excitement. Time to be subtle, not cause a fight, but certainly escalate one.
He grinned as he saw the his jailers in the hedge maze. Perfect.
(...)
“Luna!”
Advice clumsily turned around and noticed Celestia galloping towards them. “Your highness,” he said, “are there any other long-lost sisters of yours I should be worried about?”
Luna sniffled and rose. “Yes, sister,” she rumbled, “are there any other things that you wish to share with me? Such as the relocation of our fountain, which I found again just a few minutes ago, thanks to somepony who had been slurping out of it?”
Celestia stopped. “Luna, not now.”
“Why not?” Luna asked. “I have also found that this pony,” she indicated Friendly Advice, “knows nothing of my existence. I would presume that the citizens of Canterlot would know that the younger royal sister had returned.”
Celestia frowned. “You know I had my reasons for keeping your return private.”
Luna snorted. “Yes, because you couldn’t stand anypony else knowing your evil sister existed. That might tarnish your PRECIOUS REPUTATION!”
Celestia stomped on the ground. “WELL, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU MADE THINGS ANY EASIER FOR ME THESE PAST FEW DAYS! YOU STILL CAN’T EVEN MAINTAIN A GOOD IMAGE! YOU’VE ALL BUT TERRIFIED EVERY GUARD AND SERVANT IN THESE WALLS TO DEATH WITH YOUR BAD TEMPER!”
“YEA, PITY THE SERVANTS! ‘TIS NOT AS IF THEY CAN MERELY BE REPLACED! AFTER REPLACING THINE OWN SISTER, THAT SHOULD BE EASY FOR THEE!”
“THE WAY YOU’RE ACTING, I’M SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING IT!”
Winds picked up as the two sisters started to argue at a volume and wind force normally reserved for hurricanes. Advice could barely hear, far off in the distance, the sound of cruel laughter. However, his severe dehydration and their shouting was causing him the mother of all migraines, and it took all of his strength to uncurl himself, rise up on his hooves, and shout:
“SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP!”
His voice pierced the gale force winds and halted the arguing princesses, who stared at the panting pony who had made such a noise. “Shut up!” he pleaded. “Shut up. Shu…”
His eyes rolled back as he fell onto his side, unconscious.
(...)
He awoke in a bed to see the Princesses standing over him. A cup tipped over his mouth, and he drank from it until it was pulled away.
“Are you alright?” Celestia asked him.
Advice looked at the two alicorns watching him, and then around the room. He was lying in a bedroom, with the ornate cup situated on one of the endtables. The pounding in his head had subsided into a constant squeezing, which he rubbed at. He looked over at Luna. “Princess Luna?” he asked. “You exist?”
Luna nodded. “Yes.”
Advice laid back. “Something’s wrong here. I must be dead,” he remarked dryly.
“No, thou art alive,” Luna told him. “And thou willst recover. We have never heard an earth pony that could make a sound quite so loud.”
“That’s nothing. My father used to sing opera: he could stun rambunctious children at fifteen paces.”
“We’re sorry for that,” Celestia said. “I guess we’ve been through a lot recently.”
“I am especially sorry for Nightmare Moon.”
“It’s alright. It sounds like both of you had quite good reasons to be angry with each other, I guess.”
“But we should not be fighting over this,” Luna said. “We should be celebrating our reunion.”
“Yeah,” Advice answered her. “But you also have to deal with a whole bunch of other unpleasantries. If my grasp on the legends is correct, you two have probably been yearning for the day you got back together for a millennium. Now that it’s finally happened, reality’s setting in. Old habits, every unpleasant memory you buried, it’s all getting dug up again.” He stopped and covered his nose. “Or, so it seems.”
“No,” Celestia told Advice, “you’re right. My sister and I have put our problems aside for a thousand years, and while we’re on good speaking terms, we still have a few things to patch over." She smiled. "With a little help from a master of conflict resolution…”
“No,” Advice stated.
“That wasn’t a request,” Celestia told him. “I know how it feels to have something weighing on your conscience for a long time.” She looked up at Luna. “Luna, when I… did what I did, believe me it…”
“I know.” Luna laid a hoof on her sister’s shoulder. “I know that now.”
Celestia gave a small smile. “The fact is,” she continued, “I had to throw myself into something in order to keep from falling apart. I think that would help you remember that you still have talents. Consider it your probation for trespassing on royal grounds and assaulting a member of the royal family.”
Advice remained silent for a few moments. “You still don’t need me,” he said, “and not because I’m worthless. The fact is, you’re talking now, you seem to be listening. Considering these events, you’re actually moving decently on your own. I’d just be a fifth wheel.”
Celestia pursed her lips. “Alright. So, what ideas do you have?”
Luna slapped the ground with her hoof. “I have it! Didst Mayor Mare not say that Ponyville required a psychiatrist?”
Celestia looked at her sister. “You know, she did.” Celestia looked back at Friendly Advice. “Congratulations, your sentence is to serve as Ponyville’s resident psychiatrist for a period of one year. You will live with a friend of mine, who will ensure that you are walking, talking, and eating, and you will write to Princess Luna every day.” She turned to her sister. “Friendship is magic, sister. It can help him and help you.” She turned back to Friendly Advice. “You will make a clean start and regain your former reputation. Now tell me you why can’t do that, aside from the idea that you’re useless.”
Friendly Advice held his hoof up, opened his mouth, and tried to form a sentence. Nothing came out.
“Good. You move in three days. We’ll ship what you need.”
(...)
Three days later, Friendly Advice’s suitcase was packed, his job was secured, and his train ticket paid for. Friendly Advice was standing by the castle door alongside Celestia and Luna looking down the road, ants dancing contra under his skin. Every few moments he would check the time on an old watch that had just been cleaned and repaired. Finally, Celestia pointed down the road. “Look.”
There was a simple cart coming down the road towards the castle. “Well,” Friendly Advice said, “thank you. I suppose I’ll be writing to you two when I get to Ponyville.”
Celestia smiled. “You’ll be alright,” she said. “Aside from your landlord, the six bearers of the Elements of Harmony also live in Ponyville: you’ll never be short a friend if you need one.”
“And if thou needst us,” Luna continued, “thou hast only to write.”
Friendly Advice nodded. “Thank you. Both of you.”
The cart pulled up to the gate. Friendly Advice dropped his bags into the cart and moved to climb in. “Wait, before I go,” he turned to Luna, “three days ago at the fountain, was that your first as well?”
Luna smirked. “We believe the modern phrase is ‘not by a longshot’.”
Celestia stared at her sister for a moment. Luna giggled at her sister, and the two looked back at Friendly Advice, who had gotten into the cart. The cart pulled off and Advice waved at the two Royal Sisters, who waved until he had gone out of sight.
<*>
“One train ride later and I’m being serenaded by the whole town and escorted to my house li-what?”
Twilight was staring at him. “Serenaded?”
Advice nodded. “Yeah. You didn’t get a big song-and-dance number led by a certain Pinkie Pie?”
Twilight shook her head. “That must be a new thing. I asked Pinkie Pie to change her method of greeting new ponies to something more easily identifiable as such.”
“Ah. Well, we’re here.”
The two arrived in front of a restaurant. “So,” Twilight asked, “you have any plans?”
Advice shrugged. “No, not really. Ju…” He suddenly stood stock-still and glanced at his watch. “HOLY SMOKONEY I’M LATE!”
Advice took off down the road. “Wait,” Twilight shouted, “I have a question!”
“Meet me in my office if I still work there!”
<*>
Dear Princess Luna:
I got your message and I’m happy for you. I don’t doubt that a one-thousand year culture difference is going to be hard to overcome, but you seem to be well on the way, or at least, one royal guard. I know there’re a million more to go, but I’ve got a long way to go, too. Just hang in there with me.
I met the Element of Magic and thanks to that, was late to my first day of work. I’m still employed, thank Saint Broken Spring for that, but the staff were not amused at my tardiness. I don’t blame Twilight for that, though; as I found out after work, she’s a good pony, and it felt kind of nice to tell my story again, although I think I gave her too much detail. Yeah, I’ve got to work on my people skills, again. I had two patients today, both of whom are mild, though very peculiar. Ah, well, I've probably met all of the eccentrics by now. This is probably going to be a very quiet position.
Your faithful subject,
Friendly Advice, MD
Friendly Advice sighed. “Who’da thought those two letters would feel so good to write again?” He rolled up the letter, sealed it, and dropped it in his fireplace, where it turned into green smoke and sailed off into the night towards Canterlot. For a moment, he stared up at the stars, then he smacked himself, pulled out another piece of letter paper and started writing.
P.S. I’ve started stargazing. I think Alcor’s my favorite, and I’m glad it’s getting brighter. Mizar may still be more noticeable, but it's Alcor that brings happiness.
Friendly Advice rolled up the letter, then quickly unrolled it.
P.P.S. Tell your sister the Ticket Master that I think her favorite student is wound a little too tight for her to be fooling with frivolous tests of character.
<<***>>
Friendly Advice will return in Icepranker
Author's Note
It has returned, and on the new year to boot! I took this down because I thought I'd have to completely overhaul it, but as it turns out, I only needed to make a few edits. Thank you to Blood Lord for editing, any errors anyone finds are solely my own. As on my other stories, comments welcome.
