The Hoofdick Chronicle
Celestia have mercy on your soul. I won't.
"So these things have like, nubbins on the ends of their forelegs."
I sipped at my drink. It was going to be another one of those nights. Lyra inviting us out for drinks. It was like this most nights; get us to the club, hold us captive, regale us with a tale of 'hommins.' Don't get me wrong, Lyra's a cool mare, she's just got some pretty strange hobbies. But she likes my music, so she's got some definite positive qualities too.
"So what, like a griffon?" Berry asked. I shot her a look. You can't feed into her or she'll go on all night!
Lyra took a long drink from her beer, how she could stomach that griffon stuff was beyond me, but she could put them down better than anyone I'd ever seen, I was actually a little jealous.
"No, no, they're like... bony, bendy cucumbers. They've got four long ones 'n one short stumpy at the end of each leg," she explained while she swayed on her bar stool. Her horn flickered a bit, she must have been getting more than a little drunk, then she pulled a pencil and a napkin out of her bag, "Look"
"That looks like... uh..." I said hesitantly as I looked at the awkward picture forming before me; a regular looking foreleg, a hoof, and then a bunch of-
"Looks like a bunch of prehensile, um..." Tavi said suddenly, I could see her blush from the corner of my eye. I never was sure why she liked to come with me to these things, they rarely turned out to be high class enough for a pony like her, but she always seemed to enjoy herself so, I guess I really shouldn't worry about it.
"Hoofdicks!" Berry yelled as she slammed a shotglass down on the bar.
I flinched, Tavi nearly fell off her stool. Lyra looked on passively.
"Prehensile hoofdicks." Lyra hmm'd, "Yeah I guess you could call them that."
I heard the stool next to me creak. I turned my head enough to see Tavi blushing bright enough that I was fairly sure she was providing half the light in the bar. I turned back to the other unicorn at the table, "Celestia on the Blazing Sun, Lyra, how in the buck are they going to walk on prehensile hoofdicks. That's stupid."
I felt the hoof hit me in the shoulder before I saw her move. "For goodness sake Vinyl, you don't have to be so crude just because she is!" she yelled at me.
I rubbed my bruised shoulder and frowned at her, "Oh come on Tavi, I was just trying to make a point, you know how she gets..."
Our section of the bar went quiet for a good half minute. Tavi stared down into her drink, silently. Lyra got a refill, girl could really put them away, damn. And Berry... Berry was drinking from the bottle. Lyra opened her mouth, I cringed. Here we go again.
"No, they don't walk on their hoofdicks," she started, I cringed, waiting for this night to get even more 'entertaining'. "They walk on their slugbottomy fetlocks, and they have little nubby hoofdicks on the end of them too. For uh, you know, purposes."
"So they walk like a diamond dog?" I asked before I could stop myself. Damn you Lyra, don't drag me into your insanity like this!
"Yeah! And when two of them meet, they wrap their hoofdicks around each other in greeting. Like a hoofbump, but all squirmy," She explained matter-of-factly.
Without warning my face was wet and Berry Punch was laughing her ass off. I felt myself start to join in on the laughter despite the liquor all over my face when she fell off her stool.
Tavi leaned forward across the bar and dropped her drink on the hardwood top, "Lyra that is ridiculous! No actual creature is going to greet each other like... like two octopi rutting."
"Make the hoofdicks touch!" Berry giggled up from the floor. She was drinking again, I wasn't sure how she managed to hold onto the bottle, but I was certain she wasn't a unicorn.
"So, the hommins bump their hoofdicks together... what are they even for though?" I asked her. In for a bit, in for a bag, I supposed. I was this far into the insanity, may as well see it out the other side.
"Well, the hoofdicks have these hard plates on the end, like claws but blunt and flat, and they use them to pick things up and scratch itches and purposes." Lyra said as she wobbled on her stool. The telltale blush of the drunk was evident on her face.
"What kind of purposes?" Tavi asked from my right. Tavi... Tavi no.
"Well, they don't have magic so they use their hoofdicks for writing and sewing and playing the guitar. And you know purposes." Lyra grinned at us. Oh no.
"But what kind of purposes?" Berry yelled up from the floor. No, I get it, you're too drunk to get up, that's fine. You own that floor girl, make it your own.
"She means bedroom stuff." I explained, trying to cut off Lyra's explanation before it could start.
"No, I don't," Lyra shot back. "I mean butt stuff."
I heard another thunk, turned my head, and saw my girlfriend laying flat on her back, staring straight up at the ceiling, her room-illuminating blush was back. "Tavi, are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"You're on the floor."
"I like the floor. I'm fine."
Fine. I turned to Lyra, "Oh would you look at the time, I uh, we're gonna go... head back to our place. We should do this again sometime, you know, but with less hoofdicks. Maybe no kinds of dicks at all."
I didn't wait for a reply, I lit my horn and in a moment Tavi was hovering next to my head as I walked towards the door. I had a little bit of a stagger in my step. That was good, I could blame the alcohol for letting me get myself drawn into another one of Lyra's theories.
I propped the door open as I carried Tavi out on my back, caught sight of a familiar pony coming up the sidewalk. "Hey there Rainbow Dash!"
"Hey Vinyl, rough night? Octavia looks beat," The pegasus answer back with a smile.
"Ah well, Lyra's being Lyra tonight and Berry's just about passed out, so... the usual," I said with a laugh.
"Oh yeah, what's she on about tonight?"
"Hoofdicks. Night Dash."
"Alright, see ya later, Vinyl. Wait, what?"
Author's Note
All fault lies with Midnight Blaze.
