Two Slots, One Pony

by Diceman

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance
Length: 4562

After being stood up during a seminar by a malfunctioning appliance, Pinkie Pie searches for love in all the wrong places...mainly the kitchen though.

After being stood up during a seminar by a malfunctioning appliance, Pinkie Pie searches for love in all the wrong places...mainly the kitchen though.

Published 2014-05-27 01:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-27 01:20:02 UTC

Poppin Pinkie's Tart

Poppin Pinkie's Tart

"Guh, you got to be kidding me!" Pinkie Pie growled as she stormed into her bedroom, tossing her lucky rubber chicken, purse and a pair of tickets on the bed. "That's the third one this week!"

Pinkie Pie angrily picked up a black book sitting on top of a nightstand by her bed and tore out a page. "Stood me up for the last time buster!" Pinkie Pie shoved the piece of paper in her mouth and chewed it angrily. After a few moments she realized her mistake and began to spit and sputter, hacking up the paper onto the carpet.

"Yuck, even the ink I wrote your number down on is bitter, just like you." The piece of paper began to unfold, revealing a picture of what appeared to be a consumer retail egg beater with a model number scribbled beneath it. "Beat Master three thousand my behind, couldn't even handle grade b eggs. My pancake seminar is completely ruined because of you!"

Pinkie Pie fumed, bearing her teeth at the mere thought of chunky, inedible pancakes. The more she thought about it the more disgusted she felt, such a crime against the culinary arts could not go unpunished. "I know, I can return it and get my five bits back, that will teach it a lesson. Returned to the storage room where it will be sold for scrap to the highest bidder!"

*Knock*Knock*

"Who is it?" Pinkie asked, quickly changing her tone from angry to perky.

"Pinkie, we found somepony to babysit the twins tonight. You're free to get yourself a date for hearts and hooves day. We will be back around ten or so." said the voice of miss Cake cake through the door.

Pinkie gasped. "The door is speaking to me, and it sounds just like misses Cake!"

A loud thud on the other side of the door echoed down the hall, the sound being very reminiscent of a head hitting a wall.

"Now dear you know she's just being Pinkie Pie, I think. Pinkie, do you have a date for hearts and hooves day right?" Mr. Cake asked from the other side of the door. " I mean if not you can throw a small party while we are away to help you feel better."

"Nah, I can get a dates whenever I want. I just don't know why I would bother, it's not like I really need fruit. Also, I never liked the pits in them anyways." Pinkie said as she put her right hoof face and made a gagging gesture.

"Dear, maybe we should call over a doctor. I mean Pinkie Pie, refusing a party?" Miss Cake whispered.

"I know, seems weird. Maybe she's feeling lonely." Mr. Cake added.

"What are ya whispering about?" Pinkie Pie said as she hung from the roof.

Mr. and Ms.Cake both jumped to the side in surprise, both of them staring slack jawed at Pinkie Pie defying gravity above them.

"Pinkie, how are you doing that?" Mr. Cake asked.

"Doing what?" Pinkie asked.

"Standing on the ceiling like that!" Ms. cake said as she pointed at the ceiling.

"Silly willies, I'm not on the ceiling, you two are." Pinkie said with a giggle.

Suddenly, Mr. and Ms. Cake felt themselves leave the ground they thought was beneath their hooves. Both lurched into the air, Mr. Cake landing on his back on the ceiling and Ms. Cake landing on his belly soon after.

"Oh, silly me. If this is the floor then why is there carpet on the ceiling?" Pinkie said as she looked at the fuzzy carpet above her.

"Whoa!" Ms, Cake fell back onto the floor, Mr. Cake landing on top of her soon after.

"Pinkie why-how are you defying gravity?" Ms. Cake asked.

"Psst, honey. Rule twelve. Do not question Pinkie's weirdness, It always ends poorly." Mr. Cake whispered.

"Is gravity a kind of candy or something? I mean I would never defy candy, unless it asked me not to eat it. Though if candy could talk I would be suspicious of some kind of magical trick and eat it anyways." Pinkie Pie pondered. "Or if it was lime flavored, not too big on lime flavored candy."

"Let's get out of here while she figures that out." Mr. Cake whispered.

Both Cakes got up off the floor and quietly sneaked away, checking their backs to make sure Pinkie wasn't following them. When they got to the bottom of the stairs Ms. Cake pointed to the door, Mr. Cake nodding in approval and leading the way.

"Where ya goin?" Pinkie Pie asked as she popped out of a nearby drawer, showing various cutlery on the floor underneath her.

"How did you fit-" Mr. Cake stopped herself right as Mr. Cake put his hoof in her mouth.

"Rule twelve honey. Pinkie we will be going out for a bit, see you later." Mr. Cake pulled his hoof our of Ms. Cake's mouth and the pair quickly made for the door, only for Pinkie to pop up out of the umbrella stand by the door.

"Have a nice night! Tell gravity I said I won't defy him or her anymore." Pinkie yelled out the door, waving energetically.

"If you want to see the twins, they are over at Sweet Apple Acres." Mr. Cake yelled back.

After the pair were out of view Pinkie Pie stepped back into the shop, closing the door behind her. "So, what to do while they are away?" Pinkie Pie said to herself. "Well, best check the kitchen."

Pinkie Pie hopped her way from the front dining area of the shop, through a pair of swing doors and into the kitchen. She stopped in the middle of the kitchen and began looking around for something to do. She decided to bake something and hopped over to the cupboard. Inside was cupcake mix, some sprinkles and a box with a single toaster tart left in it.

"Huh, no frosting mix? I wonder if there's any left over in the fridge." Pinkie hopped over to the fridge and opened the door, as she examined the contents a frown formed on her face.

"No, frosting, no donuts left, not even eggs. I guess we haven't gotten a new shipment yet." Pinkie closed the fridge door and headed for the dining room when a sudden hot feeling on her flanks caught her attention.

"Huh? I wonder what that is all about." Pinkie Pie put her head on the floor and looked between her legs. Somehow her private area was all wet, but from what she couldn't tell.

"Huh, Is it water?" Pinkie reach down and rubbed around her fur towards her backside. After a few moments of rubbing and resisting the urge to rub further down, she pulled her hoof toward her nose and smelled it. The substance had an odor of licorice about it, no strong like fresh licorice but old musky licorice that had been sitting around too long.

"That's weird, we ran out of licorice a week ago and I don't remember sitting in any." Just then Pinkie had an epiphany. A light bulb appeared above her head, which she quickly turned off and put away in a nearby drawer. "I think I remember something about this stuff on me."

A thought bubble began to form above Pinkie Pie's head, which she stared at anxiously. A purple smudge began to appear in the bubble above her which quickly turned into a rough approximation of what Twilight Sparkle would look like if she was made of felt. "Now Pinkie, next week is hearts and hooves day, which means most mares will be going into what we call estrus. You either need to take the medication provided by nurse Red Heart a day before hearts and hooves day or find some other way to deal with your umm, oncoming issues. I suggest a date, so long as the stallion uses protection of course."

"But strangely fuzzy Twilight, where am I going to find a stallion wearing armor this late at night?" Pinkie asked, directing the question at the felt Twilight above her.

"No, I mean a condom." Twilight said.

"A condo? I don't know too many rich ponies with those. Well maybe Rarity knows a few, I could ask her about it." Pinkie replied.

"No, no. A condom, it's a kind of rubber thing stallions put over their wing dang doodles to prevent the transfer of disease and pregnancy when mating with a mare." Twilight explained.

"Oh, those. I always just called them fish balloons." Pinkie said.

"Fish balloons?" Twilight asked.

"Yep, you can make balloon animals out of them, they stretch really long but boy are they slippery, like fish. Also what do you mean by 'mating'? Do I have to invite a stallion and over and beat him in a game of chess? I don't like chess much, but shoots and ladders I can do." Pinkie said.

"No, I mean sex. As in the stallion puts his wing dang doodle in your lady parts and humps you until you both feel good, though in my experience it usually ends with the stallion feeling good and me being left hot and bothered." Twilight said glumly.

"Oh you mean 'horizontal monster mash' or 'hide the cucumber' or ' the bedside jig'. I can do that but why not just say so in the beginning?" Pinkie asked.

"Pinkie, do you know what a euphemism is?" Twilight asked.

"It's a country that's always hungry in Africa?" Pinkie answered.

The felt approximation of Twilight slapped her hoof across her face. "No, never-mind. Question though, how did you summon me here? Why am I made of some kinda fuzzy stuff and is that a fountain of pure chocolate I see over there? Am I in your head?"

"The answers are opps sorry, you look cute when fuzzy, of course there's chocolate in my mind and lastly, I plead the fifth." Pinkie said triumphantly.

"How do I get out of here? I have work to do." Twilight complained.

"Oh, like this." Pinkie Pie pulled out a pair of scissors from a nearby drawer and poked the thought bubble, making it pop into puffs of white smoke.

"Ow, that kinda hurt." Twilight said in a fading voice.

"Sorry about that Twilight." Pinkie apologized.

Before she could put the scissors back a rolled up newspaper appeared from thin air, being held up by a purple glow. The paper smacked Pinkie on the nose and fell to the ground. On the side was bold black letters that spelled out 'Bad pinkie! No waffles!'.

"Pffft jokes on her, I like pancakes more anyhow." Pinkie Pie put the scissors back into the drawer and sat down. "I guess this is what the Cakes were trying to warn me about. Ms. Cake kept trying to loan me weird things that looked kinda rubbery."

Pinkie Pie thought back to the awkward discussion she had with Ms. Cake, the image of the long rubber object she was holding came to mind. "Huh, it kinda looks like a stallion dong now that i think about it. I'm not too certain I want to use a thing that was up her back side though."

Pinkie stood up and began to pace back and fourth in the kitchen. "What stallions could be available tonight? Big mac? No, he's probably with Cheerilee. Thunderlane maybe? Nah, he's always hanging out with the spa twins." Pinkie Pie scratched her mane but every time she thought of a possible date for the night; they kept coming up as taken.

"I guess I can just...oh what did Twilight call it again, masturbation was it?" Pinkie Pie sat down on her haunches and stared down at her private area. The floor underneath her was a bit wet and her girl parts kept doing some kind of weird motion where they would close and a little ball would pop out. "It's like they are winking at me."

Pinkie reached down with her hoof and began to rub her sex, slowly. "I remember now, I used to do this when I was a teenager. It feels weird." Pinkie continued to rub, slowly at first but picking up the pace every dozen or so strokes. "I don't get it. This feels nice and all but my hoof just isn't getting the job done." Pinkie Pie pulled her hoof away, her sex protesting by winking at her multiple times. She looked around the kitchen for something that could help her in her masturbation efforts.

Pinkie Pie scanned the kitchen, considering the benefits and drawbacks of each item as her eyes came across them. First up was a rack of knives of various lengths by the sink, most of them were fairly blunt but a few were sharp to an extreme level.

"No, even the blunt ones would be a bad idea. I mean I'm not THAT desperate to stick a knife in my cha-cha."

Next up was the busted egg beater from earlier in the night, broken beaters and all. "Uh-uh. Not happening." Pinkie's sex winked a couple of times in protest. "Are you a hussie?" Pinkie yelled at her private parts angrily. "That thing stood us up earlier! You know how much I love properly made blueberry pancakes."

She stared at the broken appliance for a few moments. "I...I guess it can still vibrate and stuff still. I guess I can call it plan, err, very last option. Busted hunk of junk." Pinkie moved onto the next item in the kitchen, the fridge/freezer combo.

"No, that won't do me much good either. Too large and bulky and its all cold all the time. What I really need is something that's a bit warmer." Pinkie moved scanned the kitchen one more when she spotted something shiny out of the corner of her eye.

On the counter on the other side of the room was a large silver box, a toaster, with two slots and a single black knob on the front with multiple settings. Pinkie Pie hopped over to the toaster to inspect its utility as a masturbation aid. " A toaster? Really now? I know its kinda hot in a literal sense but is it metaphorically, like in the sexy sense?"

She examined the knob near the base of the toaster and noticed it had multiple options and a strange metal ring protrusion to the left of it. On the dial she noticed a setting called 'low heat, foal safe' and a small button underneath the dial labeled 'flour shaker'.

"Weird, I don't remember the store toaster being this complex. I wonder what the little flour shaker button does." Pinkie Pie pressed the small button under the dial and after a short beeping noise the toaster began to vibrate, slowly as first and then violently.

"Ohh, neat." Pinkie watched as the toaster went from vibrating slow to fast and back to slow again. "I wonder if it has another setting..." Pinkie Pie pressed the button under the dial again and the toaster began to vibrate harder than before. Hard enough to make the entire counter vibrate with it.

"Wow! This thing can really move. I can feel a little bit of it in the floor." Pinkie Pie pressed the button once more and the toaster ceased vibrating. She then turned the dial to foal safe mode and pressed down the switch. "I wonder how warm it actually gets."

After a few moments Pinkie touched the side and top of the toaster with her hooves. "Hmmm, warm enough to be interesting but-" Pinkie Pie licked the side of the toaster. "Not too hot to be of any problem." Pinkie watched the clock on the other side of the kitchen, timing exactly when the toasters cycle was up.

*plunk*

"Oh, neat. On low heat it cooks for a good ten minutes or so." Pinkie touched the toaster with her hoof again. "And still not too hot to be a problem."

*Grrrrbbbbrrrllll*

"And my tummy wummy needs food." Pinkie Pie glared over at the broken egg beater. "See this is why you don't get a hot mare like me tonight. I got a new lover and hes in shining armor. Literally shining." Pinkie Pie hopped over and opened the cupboard once more. Dead in front of her was a blue box with a single toaster tart sticking out of it.

"Hey I know. I can get off AND get food at the same time." Pinkie grabbed the box out of the cupboard with her teeth and bounced over to the toaster. She set the box containing the single toaster tart on the floor and grabbed the toaster, setting it on the floor next to it. She then noticed something odd, the toaster had no chord going into the wall.

"Battery operated I guess." Pinkie pulled the tart out with her hooves and stared at it. "Not much of a smores fan but it will do." Pinkie set the tart in the right slot. Pinkie stared at the toaster for a few moments, her mind racing with ways she could initiate the intimate act.

"I guess I need to 'warm' it up." Pinkie chuckled at her own pun. "Don't worry toaster, I know how to make YOU smile."

Pinkie grabbed the toaster but the sides and ran her tongue slowly down the left side of the appliance. Moaning loudly as she stroked the side with her tongue back and fourth. "Let's take this a step further shall we?" Pinkie licked down the side of the toaster and onto the top where she ran her tongue down the small strip of metal in between the slots, her tongue brushing against the tart.

"A bit stale but I bet I'm tickling your sweet spot, aren't I, eh toaster?" Pinkie Pie stood up and moved her sex just above the toaster. She slowly lowered her backside, carefully making sure her sex was properly lined up between the slots. Her outer labia gripped the toaster tart as she lowered herself, pushing it down into the toaster and starting the cooking cycle. "Time to return the favor, you totally hot stud."

The toaster began to warm up just as Pinkie Pie's outer labia touched the center strip of metal between the two slots. "Oh wow. You're rock hard and so HOT." Pinkie Pie pressed on the strip of metal harder, until it touched her inner labia. She let out a little gasp of air as she began to rub her sex up and down the strip of metal, vigorously.

Pinkie looked over at the counter with the broken egg beater. "See? This could have been you. This toaster is five times the appliance you will ever be." Pinkie moaned loudly as she rubbed her sex across the top of the toaster, the rising hot air from the inside of the toaster, making her her even hotter for its thick metal strip. "You jealous yet egg beater?"

The egg beater laid unmoving on the counter.

"Not yet eh? Trust me, you will be." Pinkie let out a loud moan as she turned her attention back to the toaster.

Pinkie's juices dripped into the slots as she rubbed the appliance across her sex, enough to start short circuiting the magical battery inside. An arc of blue electricity arced up from one of the many wires inside the machine, striking Pinkie Pie on her backside.

"Mffhp!" Pinkie Pie's flanks reflexively tightened, strengthening the grip on the metal strip below. "Oh so naughty~, I like my appliances kinky." Pinkie flicked her tail, turning on the vibrate function normally used for flour sifting. The Toaster began to vibrate more viciously than before, sending hot sparks into Pinkie's flanks and sex. "Ohh so good, but I need more." Pinkie hit the switch again with her tail, sending the vibrate function into overdrive.

"Hnnmmmm!" Pinkie moaned loudly. "Ah! Ha! Nyha! You are so HOT!." Pinkie Pie gripped the toaster in her thighs and rolled over on her back. She then reached down with her front hooves and pushed the toaster harder into her sex. "Ffffffuck yes! I want to have your toaster babies!"

Electrical arcs and sparks kept randomly hitting Pinkie's flanks as she used her thighs to push the toaster harder into her sex. "Guh! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm so close toaster, so close, just a little more."

Pinkie's eyes rolled into the back of her head, her breathing became short and ragged and her tongue flopped out to the side. Her thighs were squeezing the toaster so hard that the metal was beginning to bend inward. Down below, her clitoris was winking in and out rapidly each time she stroked the metal strip across her inner labia. A few arcs of electricity struck Pinkie in the labia, making her moan loudly but a particularly large arc struck her in the clitoris, making her jerk the toaster away a little bit.

*Ding*

The toaster shot out the toaster tart with such force that it plunged nearly halfway into Pinkie Pie's sex. The flood of hot creamy heat was just too much to bear.

"S-so hot, so good!" Pinkie dropped the toaster on the floor, her body seizing up soon after. She could feel the sensation of tremors all up and down her body. How she felt light headed from all the short gasping and how she had next to no control over her back legs, which kicked wildly, kicking the toaster away. She crossed her back legs in an attempt to savor the moment but it only intensified the effect. Not only was her entire body shaking but crossing her back legs made the tart shoot up inside of her, her muscle convulsions pulling the pastry deep into her vaginal tract. Squeezing down on the tart as if it were a stallion's member.

"Wowie zowie, the toaster really did blow his load." Pinkie Pie stared down at her neathers, bits of her fur and tail were burned and what used to be pleasurable now burned as if an actual fire was set below her. She looked to the left side of her and saw that the toaster was nothing more than a crushed metal box. She noticed that the heat dial had shifted slightly to the 'medium' setting.

"I guess that's where the pain is coming from." Pinkie Pie said to herself. "I'll go to the doctors after I get a nap. I'm so tired." Pinkie pie closed her eyes, and slipped into unconsciousness.

The swing doors to the kitchen opened up and Ms. cake walked into the room. "Pinkie, we forgot to ask you if picked up the tickets to the opera for-" Ms. Cake's mouth fell open in shock. Laying on the floor with her back legs in the air was Pinkie Pie, a broken toaster shooting electric arcs randomly around her backside.

"Hunny Bun, call an ambulance, there has been an accident!" She yelled.

***Later at the Ponyville hospital***

Pinkie Pie slowly opened her eyes so see two blurs standing above her. She blinked a few times and the blurs came into focus. One of them was her friend, Twilight Sparkle and the other was Nurse Red Heart.

"I see you have finally woken up." Nurse Red Heart said.

"Just in time to explain-" Nurse Red Heart shook her head at Twilight, cutting her off.

"Allow me to handle this." Nurse Red Heart said.

"Where am I? Why does my rear end itch so much?" Pinkie asked.

"That's not important, I have good news for you Pinkie, you're pregnant. Pregnant with little toaster babies." Nurse Red heart said, trying desperately to hide the laughter she was holding in.

"You got to be kid-in-me! For realzies?" Pinkie Pie said ecstatically.

Nurse Red Heart couldn't control herself and burst out in laughter. Clutching her sides as she fell over backward onto the floor. "Sex with a toaster and she thinks it can give her kids? What a hoot!"

Twilight Sparkle frowned. "This isn't the time for this, she was seriously injured, there are burn marks all over her ummm, secret spot and flanks."

Twilight Sparkle turned to Pinkie Pie. "Pinkie can you please explain to me how you got these burns. I don't believe the doctors prognosis."

"Oh those, just a little friction burn from that stud of a metal box in the kitchen." Pinkie replied cheerfully.

"Wait, you got all those burns from doing 'it' with a toaster?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah, but the real burning was in my heart." Pinkie said.

"I but- who-, why and...huh?" Twilight slapped herself across the face. "Are you stupid? The electricity alone could have killed you-"

Pinkie Pie drowned out Twilight's complaining, her attention fixed on what looked like a semi soggy toaster tart on the counter near her. She remembered that she hadn't eaten yet, she was going to eat that tart. A thought crossed her mind that maybe she shouldn't, it had already been up her backside and probably didn't taste very good.

On the other hoof I always heard some ponies saying a good mare always swallows.

"And lastly you could have burned down sugar cube corner!" Twilight yelled.

"Oh, smore flavor!" Pinkie Pie flung out her tongue like a chameleon and grabbed the toaster tart, quickly dragging it into her mouth and swallowing it in a single gulp.

"Pfft, did she just ha, did she just do what I think she did?" Nurse Red Heart fell to the floor, laughing hysterically.

Pinkie noticed Twilight had her jaw open so wide that she could eat another pony in one gulp. "What? Smores are good."

Twilight turned around and stormed out the infirmary. "Nope, nope, nope, nope! Not dealing with it. Not even gonna write a friendship letter about this. Just gonna act like it never happened." Twilight stormed out of the room and into a crowd of her friends huddled at the end of the hall. "Girls, intervention time."

Pinkie looked around the room. "She's letting me write the friendship letter then? Nurse can I have a piece of parchment and quill?"

Nurse Red Heart didn't respond, she was still laughing hysterically on the floor.

Pinkie spotted a blank clipboard and Quill at the base of her bed. She reached down and pulled them too her. "How does Twilight start these anyhow?" Pinkie Pie thought to herself for a moment.

Dear Princess Celestia...

***Canterlot Palace, Two hours later.***

"And make sure you use two toaster tarts so the fun can be doubled. That's what makes toaster sex the best sex EVAR! Your faithful and slightly toasty subject Pinkamena Diane Pie."

Celestia noticed a PS on the bottom of the letter.

"PS: You may want to start at a higher temperature, I mean you DO have a sun on your butt already, a toaster should be nothing to you."

Celestia stood up, leaving the letter on the pillow she was recently laying on and walked to her bedroom door, opening it. "Royal guard?" She yelled.

"Yes your majesty! How may I serve you?" The guard said with a respectful bow.

Celestia's eyes narrowed and she licked her lips seductively.

"Cancel all my late night meetings...and bring me a dozen toasters from the kitchen. I have to...experiment." Celestia said in a seductive voice.