Luna Versus Stairs

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4359

Luna is super old so she forgot how these new fangled contraptions called stairs operate. Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense, but that's Luna's problem.

No, Luna is not mentally slow. No, Luna is not senial. But Luna is still super confused at the concept of the non-animated escalator known as stairs. She is super angry about this.

Luna is just adorable.

Published 2014-05-15 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-21 21:08:20 UTC

Chapter 1: Luna Hates Windows

You know that dork named Luna who lives in the palace in Canterlot? Me neither. Because that dork lives in a flipping castle, nerd. Anyways, it turns out she’s kinda a huge doofus, but there’s a totally good reason for that. You see, she’s at least one thousand years old, but she’s got body for days! But this isn’t that kinda story. You see, she’s been adapting to our new world, because a lot happened since a thousand years. You should’ve seen her when she found out granola wasn’t banned anymore, she just started wigging out. Anyways, it seems that she still hasn’t gotten the hang of basic facets of Equestrian life.

Like take for example this one time that started like any other. It was your typical day, the sun was beaming through the window so Luna had to get up to draw the curtains. But then she noticed something out of place, something she never would have expected. There was a glass pane in her window for the first time since she could remember. Now, this normally wouldn’t be a problem for you or I, but the problem is that Luna is a princess and has wings so she doesn’t use her legs all that often and prefers to fly out the window whenever she needs to go to some other section of the castle. And so now she’s got two problems, technically three but that third one is best not mentioned when children are nearby. First is the window which impedes her favored method of getting around the castle and the second is who in the hay would dare to set up a window.

Anyways, feeling adventurous, she decided she may as well set out to investigate the culprit of this crime. Of course, this search may be short because her sister’s bedroom is just down the hall. And knowing Celestia, she was probably sleeping off last night’s gluttonous feast that went directly to her thighs. Her giant thighs. Luna didn’t even bother to knock on the door, I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? So when she burst in the room she found that her sister was sprawled out on the floor and not wearing any pants. I mean, it’s not like ponies normally wear pants, especially princesses because princesses have evolved beyond pants, but it’s still a pretty freaky deaky thing for a sister to see.

“Sister, wake up!” She ordered. Sure, she was about a foot shorter than Celestia who was probably the tallest pony around, but it was still pretty intimidating to be shouted at by the princess of the night. Celestia also knew that if she didn’t wake up then Luna, who has earned the moniker of Nightmare Moon, might make her dream of the peanut butter experiment.

Celestia’s eyes were open in a second when she realized the consequences of remembering the peanut butter experiment. “I am awake!” And she lifted her head up, meeting her sister at eye level. Luna was totally up in her face and they were practically Eskimo kissing. “Is there something wrong?”

“Yes there is! Did you put in a window?”

Celestia released a baited breath and stood up. “Of course. You’re much too old to be acting like a filly and flying around all the time. I suppose I should’ve told you sooner but I’m sure you would’ve objected, right?”

“Yeah, I would have! Thou hath best remove that window by tomorrow. Now how am I going to get to the royal dining room?”

Celestia chuckled at this. “Well you walk of course! It’s not that far after all.”

“Alright. But if anything happens to me, then I shall be rather cross with thou.”

“As I should expect. Have a good breakfast, sister.”

Luna, who was still brimming with righteous indignation, stamped right out of the room and down the hall. Even after a thousand years the castle’s design should not have changed too much, so the way should be pretty obvious. Down the hall, down the other hall, trip over the welcome mat leading into the bathroom, down another hall… Anyways she stopped when she came to some odd piece of architecture which connected the first floor to the second. It was as though it were a slope but with profusions placed lengthwise that were of a visibly perfect geometry.

Needless to say, Luna just went totally bonkers at the sight of this.

Chapter 2: Luna Hates Stairs!

Luna was acting like a total dorkazoid and just throwing her hooves every which way and that in absolute fury.

“What the hay is this? Who is the foolish mortal who dares to obstruct my path with this abomination of architecture? I swear, if I find the pony responsible I shall not be held accountable for my actions! This was not a nice thing to do!”

Still at the top of the stairs, she leaned in close as though to whisper to the stairs themselves. It was the loudest whisper ever.

“I hate thou! You know that musician you like?” Surprisingly, the stairs didn’t answer. “Well I hate them too! That’s right, I hate thou, and I hate all the bands thou liketh!” She still didn’t get a single response from this strange thing. “Why won’t you die?”

She was super frustrated. The feelings of being under appreciated? She got over that. Discord? He went down like a bag of hammers. Sombra? Defeated by spousal abuse, she could take him any day! But this thing before her was a foe the likes of which she never knew before. But now she knows, and knowing is half the battle.

And so she took a few deep breaths. What was she stressing out over? After all, it’s not like she had to climb down them, as complicated as that process would be. Why risk breaking her neck when she could just swoop down from above like the princess she was. At this resolve, she flared out her wings, bent her knees, and got ready to conquer this evil chump.

Celestia came up from behind and whapped Luna on the head with a rolled up newspaper. “Luna, no. You’re old enough to know not to fly in the castle.”

Luna held her brains in from that devastating blow to her skull. “Well how else am I to descend? This monstrosity is absolutely impossible to traverse!”

Celestia walked down a couple of steps. “Sister, you are over-reacting. It’s completely safe, see?”

Luna saw that her sister was not exploding into a million pieces as she thought would happen, and so it seemed safe enough. So with this comforting thought she carefully touched one hoof to the next step, barely though lest these happen to be poisoned. She then withdrew it, given that it was probably a trap laid out by her sister. “What even are these? I don’t recall this thing being here!”

Celestia tilted her head in confusion at this. “Luna, these are stairs. Why are you acting so surprised?”

“Because back in my day we didn’t have stairs! We had rocks. Who even put in this alleged ‘stairs’ anyway? What pony in their right mind would conceive of such an absurd device?”

Celestia masked a grin with one hoof as she raised the other, like a child in a classroom. Luna knew who her nemesis was.

“You!” Luna flared up. She was madder than a hatter. Interpret that however you may, because you may be correct. “I swear, I am going to come down there and. . . “ She trailed off, remembering that the only thing between her sister was the stairs. She would never reach her sister to follow through with a threat.

Celestia was only too glad to take advantage of this fact and went down to the bottom floor, taking two steps at a time like a jovial little schoolfilly. “You’re going to have to catch me first, sister!”

Chapter 4: Luna Hates Falling

Alright, now she’s gonna do it. Now she’s going to just mare up and go down the stairs like a straight up princess. She kicked her hooves a little to get the feeling back in them. There was no stopping, all the momentum was building up. She backed up as far as she could go until she hit a wall. And then she charged forth, ready to take on this foe! She then skidded to a stop at the top of the stairs and hid her head low to the ground and covered it up with her hooves.

Who was she kidding? These stairs would whoop her royal flank.

And to make things worse, her sister appeared at the bottom of this forsaken architecture. And, as per the usual, she was snacking on a banana which meant mischievity was abound. It did not help that Celestia stopped as soon as she got to the middle of the bottom of the staircase and just stood in place, speechless.

“What is she. . .” Luna mouthed to herself.

Celestia pulled a moon pie from nowhere. Oh the delicious treat of cookies, chocolate, and marshmallow. It may sound like some casual snack, something meant for children but for Luna it was so much more. The name itself, moon pie, made it all the more special, as though it were a thing created especially for her. It was so much more than delicious, although it certainly was, but it was a symbol that despite the horrible tales told of Nightmare Moon, some pony in Equestria cared enough about the moon princess to create such a wonderful dessert. Twas a s'more but even better! Too bad for Luna, Celestia began to unwrap the colored paper around it, and immediately Luna’s mouth began to water as she saw that oh so wonderful chocolate. But of course, Celestia loves her sister and would never do anything that might intentionally upset her like selfishly eating a moon pie in front of her with nothing she can do about it.

So Celestia then pulled out a lit candle and held it close to the moon pie.

Luna stared daggers at Celestia. “Sister, thou shalt drop thine candle and leave the moon pie alone.”

Celestia couldn’t help but grin, this was by far too fun. She held the candle a little closer, enough so that the ambient heat from the flame made the chocolate begin to melt slightly and expose some of the cookie.

There was no time for words. If she didn’t look down everything will be fine, just like how it was with children and heights. After all, nothing can hurt you so long as you can’t see it! So she kept her eyes fixed on the moon pie and took one step forward. She missed the first step, hit the second step at an angle, slipped, and fell down the entire staircase. Yeouch!

At the bottom of the staircase, Luna was a total wreck. But at least she finally made it, she finally went down the stairs. Too bad she didn’t have the time to enjoy this little achievement before she passed out from the immense pain.

Luna awoke some time later, still covered in bumps and bruises and scrapes. But it wasn’t this that sent her into a rage and release a shout that unsettled all of harmony for a brief moment. Oh no. It was when she realized that she was brought back up to her bedroom that she yelled.

She looked around to see her servants had apparently been the ones to be oh so considerate as to carry her back to her room of all places. Although she only saw them for a second before they realized they were about to get busted up, and after that all that was left in their place were dust clouds in the vague shape of her servants.

So she got up from the bed, took one step onto the floor with her forehoof, and felt a crunch underneath it. Now, either she stepped on something or she broke her leg, both of which would not surprise her. Although this time luck was on her side, she stepped on something. She lifted this something up to her face and tears began to run down her face. Twas a moon pie.

Maybe her sister wasn’t the cruel mistress she would often jest about. She took a big bite of the delectable treat and savored it as she enjoyed every last morsel in her mouth. The chocolate that cloaked the cookie melted in her mouth and stained her tongue. The cookie crumbled in just such a way that turned solid into a fine powder. And the marshmallow . . . Well, it was replaced with glue. But hey, Luna loves her some glue.

Although this is still a paltry breakfast so Luna went back into the hallway to concoct yet another plan to descend the stairs for breakfast.

Author's Note

"Can't turn around for five seconds without catching you eating glue and crayons!"

-Celestia in Two Best Sisters Play: Portal 2

Chapter 5: Luna Hates the Elements of Harmony

Unlike on the moon, Luna now has soooo many friends! Excluding Skippy of course. Which means she no longer has to be the only one to try and handle this endeavor. So she sent out a messenger to contact all those who have helped her to become accepted as the princess of the night yet again in Equestria.

So after some time had passed, the elements of harmony were before the steps of the colossal staircase that prevented Luna’s descent. There was Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy. AKA, the nerd, the hick, the ‘princess,’ the jock, the basket case, and the loser. Alright, so Luna really needs to get better friends, but these ones will have to do for now.

“Princess Luna!” Said Twilight in concern. “You sent us a message that you were in peril, what’s the problem?”

Luna just pointed at the stairs and said nothing.

“It’s an invisible enemy?” Said Rainbow Dash, with a hint of joy in her voice. Before Luna could dispute this, Rainbow got ecstatic. “Great! I always wanted to try this move out!”

The rest of the elements of harmony and Luna protested this but Rainbow Dash was in too much of a hurry to vanquish this alleged invisible foe. She flew to the center of the stairs and began flying around in a circle as fast as she could manage. At first what happened was that some of the dirt started to kick up, nothing special, but then a tornado started to form and began to suck in everything in the room! All the ponies found themselves drawn against their will to the epicenter of this whirlwind, and so Twilight held onto one of the marble columns at the bottom of the stairs and the rest of the elements minus one Rainbow Dash then held onto her. Meanwhile Luna was dangling pathetically as she held on for dear life by hanging desperately onto one of the bannisters.

After a while Rainbow Dash finally span out of control and flattened herself right against a wall. The winds died down leaving anything that wasn’t nailed down aside from the ponies in the room in complete disarray.

Luna got back to her hooves and went to the edge of the top of the stairs. She took one look down, saw that they were still totally intact, and just turned red.

“Did I get him?” Said Dash, who was lingering between conscious and passed the hay out.

“No! You destroyed everything but what I called you all here for!”

The ponies picked themselves up and gathered at the foot of the stairs yet again.

“Princess, what did you call us here for anyways?” Asked Twilight.

“I called upon thou to obliterate this enemy from the face of Equestria!”

The ponies looked at one another in confusion. “So who is this big bad guy? I mean, I’m pretty sure I would’ve nailed him with the Rainbow Whirl.” Inquired Rainbow Dash.

“These! I wanted you all to destroy these!” Luna pointed a hoof at the stairs.

Pinkie Pie giggled at the thought of this. “Oh come on princess, we’re the elements of harmony, not carpenters!” This comment was more true than any of the other elements thought.

“What in the world does carpentry have to do with any of this? I want you to murder this foe!”

“Murder,” began Twilight, completely baffled at this concept. “Stairs?”

“Yes! A thousand times yes! I want you to completely and totally kill this strange thing! I can’t get to the first floor otherwise!”

“Why don’t you just slide down?” Said Pinkie, who had just materialized into existence right next to Luna. Pinkie climbed up on one of the handrails to the stairs and slid down. “Wheeee!” But then she slid off at the end and fell flat on her back.

“I shall take your suggestion into consideration, but we cannot bear to avoid this threat any longer. We must destroy it before it destroys us all!”

Twilight looked at the princess with one raised eyebrow in both disbelief and concern. “Princess, it’s not like the stairs are a duck. You can just walk over them, literally.”

“I tried it. I didn’t like it. Now let’s hurry and execute these stairs, I’m very much late for breakfast.”

The elements of harmony all shook their heads and got out of the room. Nothing good can come from this, and they’d best leave Princess Luna’s scorn for stairs to professionals who deal with mental instability.

“Fine, leave! I’ll just get a whole new set of Elements of Harmony and they’re going to be twice as good as you!” Luna’s voice was trembling with fury as defeat washed over her. “All I have to do is get my tools from the closet!” She paused for a moment, just remembering one flaw in her plan. “Downstairs.”

Needless to say, Luna was not going to be building a new set of the elements of harmony.

Chapter 6: Luna Loves Sliding

Alright, if trying to tackle this serious problems with serious solutions ends up getting her seriously hurt, then what other recourse is left to the moon princess? So after a time that probably measured to her years spent on the moon, she just threw up her hooves and said.

“That’s it, I’m done. I quit.” And she went back to her room.

So while in her room she just flopped down on her royal mattress and ruffled all of the sheets, just to know she was in control of something. She was immediately bound and totally wrapped by the sheets and left helpless on the floor, trying desperately to escape her prison. She was doomed.

A guard who normally attended to her royal highness intruded upon hearing of Luna’s distress. “Princess Luna, are you okay?” And then he looked at a bundle of sheets that Luna was struggling with, only managing to keep her head poking out just barely so that her big blue eyes grew as she looked at the guard and was immediately embarrassed.

The guard fell over and was unconscious in moments. Luna slipped out of the quilted burrito that bound her and went over to the guard to feel his pulse. She was not medically qualified to do this so what happened was she kicked him right in the face, leaving him twice as knocked out as before. She had seen this ailment before and thus knew it well, it had affected many since her arrival back in Equestria and after her transformation. This guard had succumbed to the vile disease of terminal diabetus.

For some reason whenever she was rolling around, or skipping daintily, or all curled up with a moon pie, or cuddling with kittens, ponies around her always fell flat from the diabetus. And now, from her frustration induced actions, she may have realized the cause. Diabetus is caused by her intense enjoyment and frollicking! And who’s to say diabetus only affects ponies?

She knew now what she must do.

Several minutes later Luna was at the top of the stairs. She leaned a mattress over the edge and clambered onto it. Once she shifted her weight she would slide downwards on this bumpy slope and have one of the best sled rides since she was a filly. This would be the most fun thing she ever had that the stairs would never be able to stop her, it would be neutralized from diabetus. And with her foolproof plan in action laid out, she pushed onwards.

She sped down the stairs with astounding momentum, zipping along on the surprisingly stable surface. She pulled up at the forward edge of the mattress so that it wouldn’t get caught on any of the steps and she flapped her wings to give her even more thrust. The faster she got down the stairs the better. The her hair flew back and her lips flapped helplessly as the wind blew back at her, but this resistance did almost nothing to quell the speeding Luna. She felt as though she was breaking the bonds of gravity from the unusual lightness of her form and she whinnied with glee like a filly.

Of course though, the stairs led to the same wall that pink pony slammed into a while back when she rode along the handrail, and Luna did not want to experience the sensation of being flattened so with great timing she turned the mattress to the side and continued to side sideways. She began beating her wings as hard as she could, which pushed her along to the side of the stairway so that by the time she had finally reached the bottom she already began speeding into a new direction: Towards the kitchen.

Meanwhile, Celestia was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for her sister. Sure, she played a few tricks a while ago, but Celestia being the royal princess she was she would never be so uncouth as to eat without her sister present. And such a pain it was to wait, as she could only stare at the gorgeous bounty prepared before her for the morning meal. And just laying in wait was a couple of bananas practically with her name written on them. Luckily she could hear the vague sounds of some high pitched noise approaching and knew that she probably wouldn’t have to wait any longer.

Celestia never expected to see Luna sliding along the floor on her bed. She also never expected to see that Luna levitated the bananas off of the table and brought them along with her as she sped out of one door to the dining room and out another. Celestia stared at the plate that had her specially made fruit for a moment and then leapt up and started running after her sister and her bananas.

It was no use, Luna was just too fast. The smooth floors also appeared to be freshly waxed so running was double useless, and without a proper running start she couldn’t even fly right. Then again, today has just been one big mess and Luna appeared to be having fun sliding around so Celestia just gave up and fell flat on her belly and started sliding after the moon princess.

Guards, servants, maids, and butlers all fell flat from diabetus as they saw these two sliding around. It was just too adorable. And so that was the start of the great diabetus plague of ‘98. It didn’t happen in the year of ‘98, but we had to call it that because the kaiser. The point is, Luna finally beat the stairs.

The end.

Author's Note

Remember kids, you can beat anything as long as you're cute enough.

Chapter 3: Luna Hates Magic

Celestia was gone and Luna was totally trapped. Sure, she could just fly down with Celestia out of sight but she already came out of nowhere once with a rolled up newspaper and it’d be best not to try it anyways. So she did what any sensible pony would do in this situation. She curled up into a ball and started rocking back and forth and crying. These stairs were totally not radical.

“I just wanted breakfast! This is complete bullcorn!” Indeed. The rustles were strong with this pony. “These things shouldn’t exist! I can’t believe that some insane, corrupted mind would ever conceive of such an awful device. This instrument of horror will be my undoing!”

But then Luna got a thought into her head which stopped all her bellyaching. She almost forgot for a moment that she had a horn and thus magic. All she had to do was blast the stairs away and the problem will be solved! Genius. So she got back up to her hooves and steadied all four of them. She culminated the power inside her to erupt in a force that would surely destroy this menace once and for all! And with a flick of her horn, she sent forth a bolt of pure magic energy at the topmost step!

Unfortunately, Luna never was one for basic geometry. Turns out that her magic missile bounced right off of the floor that led into the staircase, then it hit the far wall opposite her, then it hit the ceiling, and then it came right back at the sender: Luna’s pretty pretty face. Now, I wasn’t here when it happened but I’m pretty sure Luna said something most unbecoming of a princess right before she got splashed against a wall and knocked out. That’s right, she survived, but she’ll have to find a way to replace her eyebrows now.

But this attempt on the life of the stairs was not without it’s rewards, for she learned a very important lesson that day. The stairs were a better mage than she.

Author's Note

I bet those stairs attended Hogwarts.