My Little Assassins: Everything is Permitted

by Icarus

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4018

Luna founds a secret order to deal with rampant corruption in Equestria.

Princess Luna, ruler of the night, has spent a thousand years watching the increasingly-corrupt Equestrian nobility hatch their schemes. Sick of their plotting, she secretly gathers a group of ponies to deal with them once and for all.

Published 2012-04-04 05:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-12 13:45:21 UTC

Prologue: The Gathering

She clopped up and down on silver-shod hooves as she prepared herself for her speech to her followers. It would be good to have servants doing her bidding again after a thousand years of cold, angry exile, but Luna shook the thought off and focussed on the task her sister had given her six months ago. Gather the strongest, the bravest, the ones who are best at blending into the background and who are of a certain pragmatic frame of mind. She had visited each of them in turn, hooded and cloaked, and recruited those who had said yes. Those who had declined had seen a red flash from the royal alicorn's horn, and woken up the next morning with no memory of the visit.

The ones who had said yes were also very aware of the importance of discretion. Save one. Luna sighed, scraping a hoof over the cobblestone and kicking up a few sparks. That one was not exactly professional, but she could get into places nopony else could. And they would never believe she was capable... The princess snickered softly and composed herself, before pushing through into the old, overgrown throneroom that had once been hers. The royal crest of the moon was still carved onto the floor, and arranged around it were four ponies, silent and hooded.

"You know why I came to you," Luna began. She had wisely left her sister's influence out of their training. Let them think this was all her idea. Celestia chose to rely on the magic of friendship. Luna had her power of the shadow. "Because there is a rot amongst the nobility of Equestria. They think they can control the ponies of Manehattan, Fillydelphia, maybe even Canterlot itself for their own warped ends." She paced around the perimeter of the stone seal on the floor as she spoke, looking at each of the hooded figures in turn.

"They believe that my sister and I are distant and uncaring, that we pay no attention to their schemes. That they can forge their shadow empires away from my gaze. They forget that I am the night. I have seen everything they have been planning in the shadows for the past thousand years, and it stops now." She raised her left forehoof, a slender silver blade flicking out of the guard around her ankle. The other four ponies raised their own hooves in unison with a snick of extending metal and Luna smiled inwardly at the discipline her chosen messengers were all displaying.

"They think they can forbid, they think they can control, they think they can dictate, they think they can keep their subjects in their place. I say: They cannot. Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."

"Nothing-is-true, Every-thing's-per-mit-ted," the first repeated in a childish, singsong voice, bouncing a little on her hooves underneath her candy-pink hood and tabard. Luna suppressed a shudder; she had trained them all in the art of the shadows, but this one scared her.

"Nothin' is true. Everythin' is permitted," the second stated simply and nodded under her hood, which had been crowned with that damned hat of hers. Unobtrusive. Normal. Completely unexpected. They would never see her coming.

The third simply bobbed his head once with a quiet "Ee-yup." Luna turned and narrowed her eyes at the largest of her students, who shrunk down a bit under his hood, a stalk of straw still poking out from the shadows. "Uh, I mean, nothin' is true, ma'am, and everythin' is permitted." Luna gave him a lingering look- his strength was an asset, but he wasn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.

"Nothing is true," the final harbinger nodded cheerfully with a flutter of her wings, "Everything is muffin."

"I...close enough," Luna glanced away from the grey-hooded pony, knowing that those disturbingly-mismatched golden eyes were watching her intently. "Remember this creed, my little ponies- and this is your final lesson at my hooves, before I send each of you on your journey. Our creed is not the road to power. It is the road to wisdom: Remember that there is no one true path. There is always another way."

She stopped her pacing and turned to face her students across the stone seal on the floor. The way they had unconsciously arranged themselves mirrored the shape of the stone crescent. Luna paused, and smiled at the group. They are ready. The princess of the night lifted her black silk hood up over her mane, before using her magic to push aside a tangle of thorns at the shattered window and reveal a long-snapped wooden beam.

The four hooded ponies all knew what was expected. The first stepped onto the wood and dove elegantly- with one hoof keeping her hat on her head- into a haystack below with a cry of 'yeehaw!'. The big one was next, waiting his turn and then diving with a surprising grace, given his size, into the haystack. Luna narrowed her eyes at him as he took a mouthful from the hay and he slunk back immediately with a guilty air.

The third student performed a backflip with a shout of 'Wheeeeeeeeee!' on the way down, bouncing neatly out of the haystack and bounding in a circle around it as she waited for the fourth and final student to make her descent. Sadly, the pony's poor vision failed her and she stumbled clear off the beam, landing head-first in the hay with a muffled 'ouch'. In a moment of cruelty Luna thought to herself that it probably wasn't the first time the poor thing had landed on her head.

Luna stepped out onto the beam herself, surveying the nighttime landscape of the Everfree Forest with a degree of satisfaction. In the distance, she thought she heard an owl cry out.

She smiled, and tucked her wings against her sides. She could have descended using her wings, with all the grace and poise of her older sister, but she chose not to. She chose to leap.

Nothing was true. Everything was permitted.

Author's Note: This little bit of nonsense was intended as a one-shot to amuse myself, and was written before Season 2 started. Constructive feedback in the comments is always welcome!

Chapter 1- Contract: The Con Artists

Castle of the Moon, Everfree Forest, 8pm

"Two feathers, yer highness? But..."

Luna simply nodded, levitating two slender white feathers into the orange earth pony's saddlebag. "Yes. Your mission has two targets. I believe you are familiar with them? Con artists who have been scamming rural ponies out of their savings, driving families from their land. Flim and Flam are their names."

"Oh, yeah, those two varmints. Where can ah find 'em?" Applejack narrowed her eyes.

"The last I heard, they were planning a stop at Trottingham to show off their new machine."

The orange earth pony nodded. With a brief, respectful bow to the princess, she turned on her hooves and cantered out of the castle to prepare.

Ponyville, 9am

"Oh, hey Applejack! Nice, uh, clothes... Where're you going?"
Applejack mentally cursed. Dang it all. Should've waited until I was out of sight of Ponyville before changing into this dumb-flank carnival get-up. "Uh, hey Twilight... Just on mah way to Trottingham! Business trip, gotta negotiate to accumulate, y'all know how it goes, right?"
"Oh, Trottingham?" The purple unicorn raised an eyebrow at her friend. "Isn't that a little far to go by hoof? Why not just take the express?" She gestured with a hoof to the other end of town to the local railway station. "You'll be there and back in a day."
"That's... Actually a real good idea, sugarcube," Applejack sighed. "I'll see y'all later, okay?" She gave Twilight Sparkle a wide-eyed, hopeful grin, mentally urging the young mare to move off and leave her alone.
"Ooookay," Twilight shrugged at her friend's slightly manic rictus, "See you later, Applejack."

Once Twilight was around the corner, Applejack facehoofed before galloping off down the road to Trottingham as fast as her hooves could carry her. No way was she getting on a train in her full regalia, much less giving the guard on the platform a chance to ID her as a passenger.

Hoofington, 6pm

"-brothers... Traveling salesponies nonpareil! Yeah!"
Applejack's ears twitched as she trudged towards Hoofington. A full three days on the road from Ponyville to Trottingham to pick up the trail again leading toward Hoofington, stopping only for naps, had made her whole body ache, and she ground her teeth as the last chorus of that damnable song blackened her mood still further. Judging by the sound of things, the two con artists had just arrived, and would be there for a while. Time enough for a meal and a good night's sleep. A quick glance around her located the local watering hole- a tavern named the Silver Churn, with a painted sign showing the churn in question brim-full of rich white milk.

The barmare was an old unicorn, but polite enough. The orange pony tossed down a few bits from her saddlebags to pay for a double-shot of milk and a room for the night, but she remained at the bar, nursing her drink as she listened to the gossip from the local ponies.

"...say they can make ice cream tastier and faster than Mr and Mrs Cream! Double and Butter bet their farm on it!"
"I know! I don't blame them, it's easy bits! Who's ever heard of ice that stays -that- cold? Their machine's a scam..."

Applejack's ears perked up under her hood. Sounds like they're pulling the same scam. Double Cream and Butter Cream were well-known even in Ponyville for the quality of their farm's milk products, ranging from milkshakes to cheese to ice cream. She'd had to endure enough of Pinkie's raving about that. The thought of her friend's face should Hoofington Farm Ice Cream go out of business galvanised her. Go on, AJ. Do it for Pinkie, and do it for all the poor sons-of-mares who've lost their land to these two creeps.

Hoofington, 8pm the next evening

Applejack twisted her head back to her saddlebags, grabbing the two feathers that nestled there. Holding them carefully in her teeth, she dipped them in the red half-frozen froth that now filled the central vat of the Screamingly-Creamy Ice-Cream Creamer 9001. "Looks like y'all need to chill out a moment," she quipped around the feathers before slipping them back into her bag.

"...YAAAAAAAAARGH!" Applejack was shaken out of her post-quip awesome-basking by the horrified yell of one of the locals, who'd rounded the corner to congratulate the two brothers on their (admittedly-shady) victory in the hope of some free magically-chilled ice cream. The sound spurred her into a dead gallop, leaping over his back and off down a side street. She was all too aware of the cries of 'police!' coming from behind her, and the sound of stampeding hooves getting closer. Rounding a corner into an alley, she realised that her evening had suddenly gotten a lot worse. Horse feathers. A dead end. Sorry, your Highness, looks like you won't be gettin' my report after all-

A flash of white caught Applejack's attention, and her eyes quickly spotted a white sheet draped over a half-dismantled cart. Perfect. She leapt up onto the wagon, paying no mind as it rocked a little under her weight, before bounding up onto the low roof of the house. Breaking into a gallop, leaping from rooftop to rooftop, all too aware of the yells of the guards below, she mentally calculated her route out of town. Shoot. Got to find somewhere to lie low. A quick glance around confirmed her worst fears- the local police force had at least one pegasus, a navy-blue mare, that was closing fast. She couldn't just slip back into the inn or try to blend into a crowd- as obvious as her hood seemed to be, it was nondescript enough if a crowd of other ponies were hiding the saddlebags and cutie-mark-covering white tabard, but on her own, it was all too obvious.

Applejack groaned, preparing to give up the chase as she felt her hindlegs giving up from the sprint, but an obvious plume of white and a loud hoot caught her attention. Shifting her weight, she veered a hard left, bounding up onto a chimney stack and onto the roof of what she realised was the local railway station- with the Friendship Express already pulling through at a fair clip. Yes! Before the police-pegasus could correct her course to intercept Applejack the earth pony was already leaping onto the wooden arm of the station's mailbag-catcher- what the darnation do they call those things, anyway?- and clean off into the open air.

Time seemed to stand still for a long moment, the police-pegasus' mouth falling open as the fleeing assassin leapt to what would surely be her death. Applejack could swear she heard the cry of an owl as she descended toward the speeding train, crashing through an open skylight to a certain, messy demi-- into the soft, slightly bouncy mass of a huge carton of hay. Well, I ain't complaining, the slightly concussed earth pony thought to herself as she stared at the ceiling for a long moment. At the sound of the carriage door opening she quickly burrowed down into the hay, her ears standing straight up as the guard clopped around. "What the hay..." he muttered, picking up the shards of glass with his unicorn magic, floating them out with him. "Damn foals playing ball on the platform again..." he sighed, stomping out. The sound of the door slamming covered a relieved sigh from deep within the hay.

Dear Princess Luna,
Today I learned that planning a proper escape from a contract is even more important than planning how you'll approach it. If you don't know your escape route in advance, you'll be forced to rely on blind luck.

Your faithful harbinger,
Applejack

PS: I also learned that if you plan on sending me after two ponies at once again, I need another one of those snicky hoofblade things. I had to kick Flim into the ice cream machine and that just isn't a nice way for a pony to go, even if he is a grade-A flankhole.

Applejack
Contract: Flim and Flam
Method: Hidden Blade, Industrial Sabotage
Outcome: Successful

Author's Note: The positive response to the first chapter warms the cockles of my black little heart. I had planned to just let it be a one-off, but a few folks asked for more. I don't know if I'll be showing the actual assassinations, as I would rather keep these fics silly rather than violent. Flim and Flam were indeed flankholes who scammed old mares out of their life savings and land, but who wants to read about Applejack stabbing a pony in the neck and kicking his brother to a messy death in his own machine?

Anyway, constructive feedback is always welcome!

Also, if you want to read an Assassins' Creed/Pony fic that's a hell of a lot better than mine and much more serious, go and read Brotherhood of the Moon because it's clopping amazing stuff.

Chapter 2- Contract: The Smuggler

The pegasus grabbed the white feather between her teeth, her poor depth perception ensuring she got it on the second attempt. "Who'ff it for?" she mumbled around the feather before slipping it into her large brown saddlebag.

"First Class. The head of the Equestrian mail service. I hear that she's allowing packages from several noble houses to slip through security checks and bypass customs entirely. If she's not directly involved in smuggling illegal materials, she's certainly allowing it to happen. Put a stop to it. You'll find her on the top floor of the Canterlot post office."

"Okay!" The grey pegasus bobbed her head happily, giving her wings a little flutter and taking off as if to leave, before dropping back to the floor with a slightly perplexed expression. "Um, what does she look like?"

"You never met her?"

"Naw, I only work the local mail routes. She doesn't know me!"

"She's a brown pegasus with a stamp cutie mark."

"Okay!" The golden eyes closed as the pegasus gave Luna a bow and a happy smile- the princess wasn't actually sure if anything could ever make this particular mare sad- before scampering out of the throne room to the armoury. She wriggled into her white tabard, making sure the flaps covered her bubbly cutie-mark, fastened on the shoulder guards and last of all strapped on the hidden hoofblade. She turned to go, but a familiar scent assailed her nostrils. The unmistakable smell of fresh-baked-
"Muffins!" There was one left! She knew the slightly blurry white shape was a box sized for four cakes, but the others had already been removed. "The others must've had theirs already and left one for me! Aww, they're so nice... I'll save it for the trip back. I'll need some energy for the flight." She balanced the delicious-smelling cake on the end of her nose before carefully depositing it into her bag, and flapping out of the window towards Canterlot.

"Penny!"
"Yes'm?"
"I need the capacity estimates for Hearth's Warming. We'll need to hire some more temporary mailponies this year to make sure everyone gets their gifts on time."
"Yes'm." Penny Black bobbed her head and retreated back out of her boss' office. The black-coated unicorn's horn began to glow a deep blue, several binders floating off the shelves as she grabbed the requisite reports.

"Oh no!"
"What now, Pinkie?" Twilight groaned at her friend's anguished gasp as Pinkie zoomed around Ponyville's town square, flicking from tree to bush to windowbox to fountain and back to Twilight.
"My cupcake! My special cupcake! I only had one left and now it's gone and I don't know where it is and I have to bake a whole new batch for my trip tomorrow and-"
"Um, but can't you just go buy another box from the Cakes?"
"No! No no no! This one's my special recipe and I have to make it myself because otherwise it won't be as good and-"
"What's so special about your recipe?"
"Come closer! Come closer and I'll tell you! It's.... a seeeeecreeeet!" Pinkie giggled, booping Twilight's nose with a hoof before bouncing in a circle around her and away to Sugar Cube Corner.

First Class waited until her assistant was out of the office before tugging a half-finished letter from beneath a pile of papers, and grabbed a pen with her hoof to finish it.

--can guarantee that the package will not be impeded on it's way to Manehattan if you send it to the following address. The sorting staff believe that the warehouse in question belongs to the Postal Service and any packages sent there are done so as a test of their speed and efficiency. They will waive any checks or other impediments to simply get the job done quickly and earn a bonus. Pray do not tell me the contents, as I do not wish to be involved in affairs that aren't mine. Yours.

She left the letter unsigned and rolled it up in a red ribbon, picking it up in her mouth to move it to her 'out' tray just as the large picture window behind her desk- with an unmatched view of Canterlot- crashed inwards in a hail of broken glass. She half-turned, foreleg raised to shield herself from the glass, and could just make out the striking sillouette of a leaping assailant, wings unfurled and some sort of blade in her hoof. First Class screamed as the blade struck-

-the thick wood of her desk, two inches from her head.

"Oh, darn..." the hooded killer mumbled, wiggling her hoof desperately to try and free her stuck weapon, which First Class could now see was attached to a vambrace on her left foreleg. The struggling office pony unfroze after a second and bawled for her assistant. "PENNY! GET THE GUARDS! SOMEPONY'S TRYING TO KILL ME!"

The black unicorn had already bucked the office door open at the sound of the crash, and bolted away to fetch the guards, as First Class twisted her head around, grabbing the Postmaster's official (and, unbeknownst to Penny Black, genuinely razor-sharp) letter opener that had rested on her desk for the last twenty years. "Lord Brighthoof trying to silence me before I tell on him, eh?" she growled around the hilt. "Not going to happen. En garde!" She lunged, but the hooded pony had freed her hoof from the desk and brought her blade up to parry the blow.

The two ponies fought around and across the desk, blade striking blade, before a lucky parry by the assassin sliced into First Class' muzzle and she cried out in pain, dropping the letter opener.
"Oh no! I'm sorry!" The assassin gasped, her blade suddenly retracting into it's vambrace. "I didn't- Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, it's just a scratch, I- what!?" First Class' eyes boggled. "A minute ago you were trying to kill me, and now you're sorry for a scratch!?"

"Well yeah, I didn't mean to hurt you or anythin'! And, uh, who's Lord Brighthoof?"

"You mean he didn't send you?"

"Well no. I never heard of him!"

"So you jumped through my office window- a very expensive window, mind you- with a knife, and you weren't trying to hurt me? And you've never heard of the one pony who would actually be inclined to employ a hired killer?"

"Pretty much! Uh... Can I just..." The grey pony nosed into her saddlebag, drawing out a slender white feather, which she carefully nuzzled up against the cut on First Class' cheek. That done, she slipped the bloodied feather back into her bag, and withdrew a delicious-smelling package, which she eyed sadly before placing gently on the desk. "I'm real sorry. Here, um, just have this, okay? I was gonna save it for the trip back but... They always make me feel better so maybe you would like it. I'll, um, go now," she sighed, and wings flapping disconsolately she fluttered back out through the destroyed window.

First Class stared after the grey, hooded pony in utter shock and bemusement. What the buck just happened? she thought to herself, as Penny Black stormed back in through the office door with a trio of armoured pegasi. "Are you okay, boss!?"
"I'm fine, Penny, it's just a scratch..." First Class tilted her head bemusedly. "I haven't the faintest idea what just happened. But get an estimate to get this window repaired, and double security on the perimeter." She slumped back down at her messy, glass-covered desk, and massaged her temples. The cake did smell awfully delicious, and once the misunderstanding had been cleared up the mare had seemed nice enough.

A few bites later the wrapper lay empty on the desk, and the mail pony licked her lips. That was wonderful! I wonder where she got it from. ...Oh, no, I shouldn't have eaten it so fast. Damn ulcers. Stomach feels funny alread-

The hooded pony's already-erratic flight pattern was knocked for six as the shockwave from the blast caught up to her, and she tumbled through the air to land upside-down in a tree, turning her head to look back at Canterlot in amazement as the fireball lifted the top floor of the Equestrian Mail Central Office hundreds of feet into the air.

"Three royal guards, her secretary, two assistants, the union chief...! What happened!? You were supposed to infiltrate, do the job, and leave!"
"I did, I tried, I... I just don't know what went wrong!"

Dear Princess Luna,
Today I learned that you have to follow through on your plans, and pay attention to what you're doing, otherwise innocent ponies could get hurt. I also learned never to take Pinkie's cupcakes without asking :(

Your faithful harbinger,
Derpy

Derpy
Contract: First Class
Method: Hidden Blade, Explosive Confectionary
Outcome: Overkill, collateral and property damage, assassin reprimanded