Somepony Reviews the Sugarcube Corner

by neorenamon

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Alternate Universe
Length: 1887

A familiar unicorn stops by Sugarcube Corner to review their Cupcakes.

One day, a unicorn comes by Sugarcube Corner to review their Cupcakes, but only Pinkie Pie is there to deal with him. He seems to have some choice comments about the store's baked goods, but she tries her best to humor him and his eccentricities.

This is intended to be humorous, and no slight against any unicorn real or imagined.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-15 19:20:05 UTC

Reviewing Cupcakes

Somepony Reviews the Sugarcube Corner

by neorenamon

The sun was barely up as Mister and Mrs Cake were loading their cart to cater a prestigious wedding reception for the well to do Filthy Rich.  He was hosting a wedding for some relative of his who insisted their wedding be catered by the famous Sugarcube Corner even if they had to haul it all to Canterlot.  They were getting paid enough for their time and effort.

"Now Pinkie," said Mister Cake, "We're only going to be gone until tomorrow evening."  He was pushing a cart load of boxed bake goods out to the wagon where Mrs Cake was loading them into the cart.  "Are you sure you can handle things while we're gone?"

"Don't worry about a thing!" said Pinkie confidently.

That was just the kind of answer that make Mister Cake nervous.

"And there won't be a problem taking care of Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake?"

"Oh, we get along like cupcakes and frosting!"

"Okay," he replied, "I'm trusting you."  Then he turned to Mrs Cake and asked, "Is that everything, honey-bun?"

"There's just the matter of the extra sprinkles and the spare frosting decoration kit," she replied.

"You go get those, and I'll keep loading the cart for you.  This wedding reception has to go perfectly if we want business to keep coming in."

"I know, sweetie," she replied.

He turned back to Pinkie and said, "So why don't you go to the counter and open the store?"

"Okie doki loki!" she called as she bounced back inside.  She bounced to the front door and turned the sign in the window from Closed over to Open.

Almost as soon as that was done, Derpy came through the front door.  The bell at the top of the door rang as it opened.

"Good morning, Derpy!" called Pinkie, "Here for the usual?"

Derpy nodded as Pinkie put her usual box on the counter.  She put up her usual pile of bits, took the box, and slipped out the door as she called, "See you tomorrow, Pinkie!"

Pinkie bounced around the front to check up on the baked goods that were on display.  After a few minutes, she went to the front window when she heard a cart coming around the side of the building.  She smiled and hoof-waved to the Cakes as they hurried away with the loaded cart.  They seemed too busy to notice that Pinkie was waving bye to them.

"Good luck!" she called after them.

She returned to the counter as she continued to examine the state of the goods on display.

"You look lovely today!" she said to the cupcakes cheerfully.

The door opened as the bell rang.  She spun around to come face to face with a unicorn stallion.  He was of average size with a dark blue hide, well groomed black hair, mane and tail, plus a thin black mustache and small goatee beard.  His eyes were black, and a red beret with a gold band and a dark gray feather sticking out the back which sat on his head at a jaunty angle just above and behind his horn.  About his waist, he wore stylish gray saddlebags.  As he looked around, she could see that his cutie mark was an open book with an ink brush set on top of it set at a slight angle.

"Good morning!" said Pinkie, "You must be new around here!  May I ask your name?"

"Tommy," he said evenly, "I'm known as Tommy Oliver."

"Well hello, Tommy!  How can I help you today?"

"Well, I write reviews for the various papers.  Normally, I review things in Canterlot, but somepony requested I come here to Ponyville and write a review about this place.  I'm here to review your Cupcakes."

"That sounds great!  Which cupcakes would you like to start with?"

He walked back and forth as he looked over the dozens of cupcakes displayed in the front.  Pausing in front of a dozen tht were half blue and half rainbow frosted ones, he asked, "So what kind of Cupcakes are these?"

"Oh, those are our special Rainbow Pegasus Cupcakes!  We have those in honor of Rainbow Dash!  Those are chocolate cupcakes with a whip-cream based frosting!"

"She's the local Pegasus celebrity, isn't she?"

"Oh yes, she wants to be a Wonderbolt!"

"She shouldn't really want to go there," he said softly.

"Why not?"

"I take it you haven't read my review of Wonderbolts Academy, have you?"

"No, I can't say I've read any of your reviews."

"I suppose they aren't well known this far outside of Canterlot," he replied.

Pinkie set a small plate on top of the counter, and then set a Rainbow Pegasus Cupcake on it.

"How many bits do I owe you?" he asked.

"For a reviewer, it's free!" she replied happily.

"No, I'd feel bad if I don't pay the going rate."

"Then it's one bit!"

"Wow," he replied, "That's a lot cheaper than Canterlot prices."

His horn glowed as the cupcake floated from the wax paper wrapper and over to his mouth.  Then a bit floated from his bags over to the counter.  Taking a fairly dainty bite out of it, she watched his expression change several times as he shifted the sweets around his mouth, chewed, and finally swallowed.  Then a quill, an inkwell, and notepad floated from his saddlebags.  He dipped the quill into the ink and began to write notes.

"So what'cha think?" she asked as she leaned over the counter.

"Are these made with real Pegasi?"

"What?"

"Sorry, it's a private joke," he replied with a smile.

"I don't get it."

"That's why it's a private joke," he said with a small giggle.

"Okay."

"Hmm," he said, "This tastes like Germaneigh Chocolate.  I like it.  It's richer and not as sweet as other milk chocolates.  The whip cream frosting compliments the cake very well.  I suppose there's some reason for the colors you used, but I guess it's not too hard on the eyes."

"The blue is the color of her hide and the rainbow part is the color of her mane and tail," replied Pinkie with a smile.

"Ah," he replied, "That makes sense.  I approve."

He dipped his quill and scribbled more notes.  Then he paused to turn the page and write even more notes.  The rest of the cupcake floated back to the plate.

"Are you going to finish that?" she asked.

"No," he replied.

He stared at her as she swallowed the rest in a single gulp.

"Waste not, want not," she said cheerfully.

"Okay..." he said slowly, "What's this next one?"  He stepped down to the next section.

"These are our Nightmare Moon Cupcakes," she replied as she set one out for him.  He looked at the midnight blue cupcake sprinkled with dark blue and white sugar.  The sugar was set in a pattern with a white crescent moon surrounded by spots of white that looked like stars against the dark blue background.  As he lifted out the cupcake from the wax paper, he noted that this one was also based on a chocolate cupcake.

It floated over to his mouth as he took another delicate bite.  Again, he moved it about his mouth before chewing and swallowing.  He scribbled more notes as another bit floated over to the counter.

"So what'cha think?" she asked.

"I noticed that the Chocolate flavor is more intense in this one.  It makes a sharp contrast to the small amount of sugar that's been sprinkled on top of it.  I take it this is for the customers with the more refined tastes?"

"That's right!"

"It reminds me of the review I wrote about the last Nightmare Night you had here in Ponyville."

"It does?"

"Yes, I heard about the visit of Princess Luna and the things that happened here on that night, so I called the article 'Luna Eclipsed'.  She seemed to really connect with the ponies she rules over that night."

"You were there?" she asked amazed.

"No.  I interviewed ponies who spoke to ponies who were actually there."

"So you speculated about what really happened?"

"That's part of my job," he said as the rest of the cupcake floated back to the plate.  Pinkie scarfed down that one without even bothering to ask that time.

"You really must get around," she replied.

"Oh yes," he answered, "I wrote a review about the whole Equestria train system I called 'The Ticket Master'."

"Maybe I should start reading your reviews."

"That would be very nice of you."

"Have you written any negative reviews?"

"Well, I was kind of harsh when I reviewed the last Daring Do Book.  I called it 'Daring Don't'."

"How come?"

"Well H K Yearling is supposed to be writing the Daring Do books based on the notion that she is in fact Daring Do, and that it's her real life adventures as they happen.  You're supposed to wait until an adventure is over until you actually write about it.  Each book makes even less sense than the one before.  She threw in a completely random character with no reason for her or her friends to even be there.  Let me think..."

"Oh, that was Ponyville's own Rainbow Dash!"

"Ah, we're back to the local celebrity."

Pinkie nodded.

He stepped down to the next set of cupcakes as he asked, "So which ones are these?"

"These are the Grand Galloping Gala Cupcakes!"

He looked down on the golden frosted cupcakes with a little star shaped candle on top of each.

"What are the candles for?"

"To represent the grandeur of the Grand Galloping Gala, of course!" she said as she set one out before him.

"You don't have to light it just for me," he said as she reached for the matches.

"Okey dokey loki."

He took a bite before he began dipping his quill and taking more notes.  The cupcake floated back to the plate before it all but disappeared in an instant.  Tommy didn't seem to notice Pinkie licking her lips, but he did notice her taking the bit that floated over to the counter along with the other bits he had set out.

"Interesting," he said, "Golden sponge cake with a crème filling.  The frosting is heavier and sweeter than the ones I've tasted before.  I take it this is more for the fillies and colts?"

She nodded.

"Well in spite of the fact it's too sweet for my tastes, I have to give credit for the effort to get the crème filling into them."

She smiled.

"Hmm," he said, "This reminds me of the review I wrote about the last Grand Galloping Gala.  There was six mares there who almost ruined the whole thing.  I was there for a while, but somehow missed most of the excitement.  Ironically, I called my review 'The Best Night Ever'."

"That sounds ironic, alright," giggled Pinkie, "I was there with all of my friends, and we saw the WHOLE THING!"

"Too bad the review was done some time ago, or I'd ask you some questions about what happened."

She nodded.  He continued to write notes.

"Well, that looks like all of the cupcakes," he said, "I guess it's time to go home and write it up."

"Could you please send me a copy of your review?" asked Pinkie wide-eyed.

"Sure," he replied, "But with the way deliveries go around her, I can't promise when it will get here."

"It's a review," she answered happily, "I doubt it won't get old that quickly."

As he turned to leave, she could hear him muttering to himself about reviewing the Equestria Postal Service.