Rarity Hates Rainbow Power
Wine fell from the bottle’s lip with a shaken, haphazard flow as it filled the three crystal vessels like a stray stream off Neighagra falls. Rarity tilted the late vintage Cabernet further, coaxing out every last crimson drop, using a touch of magic to ensure none was left behind. The emptied bottle joined four others on the center table in the back room of her boutique as Fluttershy, Rarity, and Spike took a moment to appreciate the physical monuments to their not-quite-yet debilitating buzz. Despite the ethanol coursing through her veins, Rarity couldn’t take her mind off a particular aspect of today's events that had her pissed off nearly to the point of psychosis.
“Why would she humiliate us like that, Spikey? I *hic* mean Applejack and of course Twilight got the shortest shift on the shaft, but *hic* did you see Rainbow Dash, myself, and of all ponies, Fluttershy?!” Rarity prattled on, rehashing the same concern she had been voicing over the hour that the three had been blowing off steam in Cozyland, the name Rarity had given to the back room of her boutique.
“I didn’t mind…” A tipsy Fluttershy added, her cheeks visibly flushed as if the Cabernet had been pooling within them.
“Oh dear, you simply must stand up for yourself. You and Rainbow Dash looked like stand-ins for that hair metal band Cheerilee used to roadie for.”
Spike let loose a hearty laugh in agreement with Rarity as Fluttershy shot him an attempt at a dirty look. Her muzzle scrunched with comical effect, relieving Rarity of any reservations she had in holding back giggles of her own. Fluttershy eventually joined them in their revelry, as she recognized the uncanny likeliness in Rarity’s observation.
“You *hic* know what?” Rarity continued, wobbling slightly as she stood on top of her plush violet sofa, towering over the two for dramatic effect as she rode her drunken confidence for all it was worth. “We should tell Celestia directly about this… this… gross crime against ponykind and modern fashion.”
“Rarity, I don’t think…” Fluttershy attempted to interject between stifled giggles at Rarity’s carrying on and her genuinely perturbed disposition towards their newfound power. They were able to overpower the embodiment of pure evil that had consumed every ounce of natural magic in Equestria, did it really matter so much that they looked a little silly while doing it?
“We. Are. Elements, Fluttershy. Elements!” Rarity shouted, interrupting Fluttershy’s internal rebuttal. “Everything in Equestria is made from elements, and I will not have… fauxpas-tonium being one of them.”
“I don’t think that’s the same kind of element, Rarity.”
“It’s the principle, Fluttershy.” Rarity snapped, her muzzle contorting. Fluttershy let out a nervous giggle, realizing her friend was too far consumed by her petty rage to attempt putting together an articulated argument.
“Spikey?” Rarity cooed, shifting her expression to a smile so sickeningly sweet that Pinkie Pie would have proclaimed it the ‘lost flavor’.
“Yes?”
“… Take a letter”.
Dearest Celestia, royal acquaintance of Miss Rarity and protector of ponykind
As supreme and lovely ruler of Equestria, I’m sure you took quite an interest in watching the climax of today’s affairs, unless of course you were still being held captive in Tartarus, which is totally acceptable and I don’t think of you as any less of a demigod because you were imprisoned by a goat beast, and in which case please disregard this sentence. Regardless of if you disregarded the first sentence, one thing must be regarded, and that is the cruel and unusual punishment tactics that were utilized today.
Tirek undoubtedly deserved whatever cruelty his meanness and churlishness wrought, and in fact I have quite a few ideas for making sure he receives eternal and unfathomable pain in addition to debilitating psychological scarring that will render him nothing more than a vacant shell of a once-sentient being. We can discuss my rehabilitation tactics at a later time over tea, preferably at a public venue in the Prench Quarters of Canterlot where we’ll be seen together.
Anyway, I would like to bring to light the unreserved cruelty and scarring embarrassment suffered by the bearers of the elements. The experience traumatized me, leaving me unable to depart from the blight on traditional Ponyville architecture simply divine new Fortress of Friendship without an illusion spell to disguise myself from any fallout surrounding my tarnished reputation. I hope it’s alright that I disguised myself as you; I do it quite often on rare occurrences to draw attention to my boutique. Anyway, I don’t want to jump to conclusions, seeing as I am well-known for generously offering the benefit of the doubt to ponies even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, but I am positive that Twilight Sparkle must have took out some unrequited grudges stemming from an unfounded and deep-seeded resentment towards the dear Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and myself that caused her to lash out at us in a humiliating display.
Celly, can I call you Celly? Regardless of if I can call you Celly, I am absolutely mortified at the blatant disregard to form, figure, flattery, and functionality in our… costumes. Fluttershy resembles the unplanned offspring of some Bohemian flower-foal who had a careless evening at Burning Mare with that fluffle-whatever ‘pony’. Rainbow Dash looks like she’s running late to a pride parade, and why in Equestria did I have two tails? I’m not the inbred spawn of some backwoods creekers bearing some genetic mutation. Also, have you any idea where all of our hair went when we finally transformed back to normal? Barring an extensive explanation, I’ll be admitting myself to the emergency room for treatment. My friend told me she read somewhere that explosive hair growth can be the sign of a parasitic growth, though I’m personally hoping that Discord mainlined a near-lethal quantity of poison joke extract into us while we were captive. I believe that to be the most pleasant explanation considering that my fours looked like as if a drunken foal emptied the contents of his sticker book on me.
Rainbow Dash called her mane, and pardon me if I’m misquoting her, an “aerodynamic abomination unbefitting even of a wretched beast of the Everfree”. Personally, I believe Fluttershy may find some advantage to being able to use her mane’s nappy, unnecessarily large body to be able to hide behind when facing a particularly intimidating caterpillar…
“Heyyy…..” Fluttershy attempted to voice her disagreement at the statement, but trailed off as she realized how many particularly intimidating caterpillars she had stumbled across recently.
… However, I can’t fathom how she’d be able to take any more than a few cautious steps before tripping over herself. I’m sure there’s an obscure municipal code against having a mane large enough to cause self-harm. Alternatively, we may also be able to harness its potential for static discharge by turning Fluttershy into an emergency energy reserve for Ponyville, but I wouldn’t imagine she’d be too keen on being turned into a battery.
“Rarity, I’m still here…”
“Sorry dear” Rarity replied out of instinct, not addressing Fluttershy directly.
… we’ll have to talk about that at a later date, Celly. I think the idea may have some merit.
I’ve been composing this letter so far out of goodwill and generosity on behalf of my friends and ponykind with no interest in personal gain. I’m simply doing what any decent citizen would do and address my our grievances to you as a non-partisan watchdog. I’d like to think of myself as a martyr for the cause. Feel free to acknowledge my bravery formally through the state; I’m available most Tuesdays from noon until evening if you deem an award ceremony necessary for my troubles. But I must stray from my previous nature of selflessness in this letter, and speak to you for a moment about the way this Rainbow Power fiasco will affect me personally.
I am a fashion designer, Celly. The lifeblood of my business is the collective public opinion of Miss Rarity as paragon of desire; I must be the embodiment of cutting edge Equestrian fashion and cultivate my image accordingly. I cannot leave the boutique looking any less than the best most ponies will look in their entire lives. Even my sweatpants and sleepwear must be worthy of admiration from far off ponies in far off lands.
I know, I know… it’s a thankless job, and I suffer daily from the scrutinizing lenses and quills of paparazzi and press representing the most respectable names of Equestrian news, including, but not limited to Cosmoponitan and The National Equirer. After the unspeakable atrocities committed today at the expense of my innocent name, I foresee a future of hardship for my humble business. The extent of this character assassination will undoubtedly cause Sweetie Belle and I to go hungry while I rebuild my reputation from the ashes of my previous glory.
Please, Celestia, fair princess of the Empire of Equestria, crusader of righteousness and all that, please punish those responsible for making my friends and I look like sideshow circus performers.
Eternally indebted,
Rarity & Fluttershy
“Spike! Sign that letter this instant!” Rarity called as she lunged toward him.
Spike held the letter as far from Rarity as he could with an outstretched arm while keeping her away with his other. She flailed her hooves against him, reaching towards it.
“I don’t want my name on this garbage!” Spike grunted as he held his own against the mare
“… Would you mind taking my name off it too? I mean, if you don’t mind.” Fluttershy whispered from her sofa opposite of the strange brawl.
Realizing she may soon be the sole signature on such a strongly voiced letter, Rarity panicked and enveloped Spike’s belly in a magical aura, binding him for a moment while she aimed his head towards the letter with her hooves. The aura constricted his diaphragm, and a familiar green flame shot from the dragon and licked the letter violently, sending the parchment on its way in a spiraling wisp of smoke.
The three remained in their current positions for a long moment. Spike hung in magical suspension, his mouth hung open as he gasped for air. Rarity released him from her bind, and he fell back onto the plush sofa next to her with a muffled thud. His chest heaved rhythmically as he regained his breath.
Fluttershy looked on at the scene, and was the first to break the silence with a quiet giggle, which grew quickly as it infected Rarity and then Spike.
They each took a glass of wine from the center table, not bothering to figure out whose was originally whose. The friends sat like that for a while, each completely relaxed since the first time since the morning as their laughter brought new conversation. Rarity was visibly relieved, having gotten her issues with the Rainbow Power shenanigans out into the hooves of somepony who may be able to remedy it instead of venting frustrations towards friends who could only sympathize at best. The wine continued to flow as conversation grew, climaxing over the course of a half hour before being interrupted by a low gurgle from Spike.
The belch caught Rarity off guard. She and Spike had moved progressively closer to each other, and the flash of flame had come disastrously close to scorching her mane. The letter levitated briefly in front of Spike, who snatched it out of the air and unfurled it. He steadied his gaze, trying various combinations of squints and scrunches in order to bring his double vision to combine on the letter. After succeeding in overcoming the influence of the sauce, he read it to himself with a puzzled expression.
Sorry Rarity, but we have to keep up profit margins. I got corporate breathing down my neck about focus groups and target demographics. Pastel’s out, rainbows are in. I’m sure you’re picking up what I’m putting down; a little column A, a little column B, you know? Gotta shake up the game, stay relevant.
Ciao,
Celestia of Equestria
Hasbro Liaison
Author's Note
Special thanks to BronyDad for prereading/ feedback, and also for being awesome.
