My Little Team Fortress 2: Senseless Fighting is Magic

by InkRose

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Comedy, Random, Discord, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 3630

In the beautiful land of Equestria, ruled by the feuding sisters Celestia and Luna, two teams of mercenary clones are put to the test as they fight over the land for their respective princess...

In the beautiful land of Equestria, ruled by the feuding sisters Celestia and Luna, two teams of mercenary clones are put to the test as they fight over the land for their respective princess...

Oh, and we cannot forget the hats. Lots of hats are involved.

Published 2014-05-15 22:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-16 22:34:19 UTC

A Most Political Prologue

A Most Political Prologue

The day had come.

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna each sat on opposite sides of the huge bed between them. On this bed lay Queen Fausticorn, in a very weakened state.

"My dear daughters, I am dying..." she declared, a tear slipping down her cheek. She closed her eyes, and let out a soft breath, her scarlet mane flowing ever so gently in the small breeze coming from a nearby window. She opened her dry mouth once more, and said-

"Great, so I get to rule Equestria, right?" Luna asked, a hopeful smile decorating her face.

"Shut up!" Fausticorn screamed at her child. "Let me finish my dramatic dying speech you welp! It's because of you two I got these accursed illnesses anyway!"

"Pfft, you were the one who spent a whole day bartering with lepers," Celestia scoffed. "Your fault."

The Queen's face turned a peculiar shade of red that almost matched her mane. Next she stated: "Now listen here you feathered scumbags, I am dying-"

"We get it!" both Celestia and Luna cried.

Fausticorn grimaced. "And that means I must choose which one of you gets to rule Equestria."

"Yeeeees?" Celestia said.

"Who did you choose?! Who did you choose?!" Luna asked as she almost bounced off of the walls.

"I decided to write the will on my skin, since we all know that anything written on Alicorn skin is legally approved. So when I die, you can shave off my fur and reveal the will underneath. Got it?" Faust explained.

The two sisters immediately fetched fur shavers and razed half of the Queen's white coat off as she screamed in horror.

"I said AFTER I was dead! After!" she screeched.

The sisters paid no attention, instead hungrily reading the text written on Fausticorn's chest and neck. Both of the girls recoiled in horror.

"Wha-!?" Celestia cried.

"Nooooo! Please dear me nooo!" Luna screamed.

Faust gave a devilish smile. "That's right, my children. I have split Equestria in two. Half to Celestia, and half to Luna."

"How could you do this!? Equestria belongs to me!" Celestia declared.

"I will not stop fighting until I have all of the land!" Luna stated boldly.

The Queen just laughed. "HA! I knew you would. Now because I despise you both, I have ensured that you will both be fighting over Equestria for all of eternity. Anyway, I better get to dying. I've got a date with Tirek at 5 and I don't want to be late. I hope you girls have miserable lives."

Then Queen Fausticorn died.

She was skinned and then buried by the royal guard, her daughters weeping at the ceremony. The girls did not weep for their mother, however, but for the fact that their newly acquired land had to be shared.

After the ceremony, Celestia and Luna decided to talk in the dining hall and perhaps come to a negotiation. But like two insane mules, they remained stubborn, and argued through the night. (Or at least what would have been night if Celestia had been astute enough to lower the sun, and Luna had been paying attention enough to raise the moon).

After hours of pointless and vicious bickering, as well as eating freshly baked cookies, a flash of light blinded the sisters temporarily. When they could see again, they were astounded to see a patchwork creature in front of them, his crazed smile like that of a hungry lion... or a politician.

"Hello, girls. Missed me?" said Discord.

"Discord!" Celestia cried. "Help me with Luna! She says that Equestria belongs to her, when it all obviously belongs to me!"

"Do not listen to her seductive lies! Equestria is mine! I was the favored daughter!" Luna screeched.

Discord snapped his talons, and before him appeared a portion of Fausticorn's skin. He placed large reading glasses upon his nose, and chuckled as he read the document.

"As I seem to recall, dear princesses, the land has been split into two equal halves. One to Celestia, and one to Luna. Is that not a good compromise?" Discord asked.

"Of course not! Are you insane?" Luna retorted.

"Only one princess will rule!" Celestia declared.

"And that princess will be ME!" Luna boomed.

"No! It will be me!" Celestia cried.

Discord flicked his snake-like tail, an even larger and more sinister grin spreading like refined jam across his ugly mug. "I was hoping you would say that."

"What do you mean?" Celestia inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I think I can help you both in this unsolvable conundrum," said Discord.

"How so?" Luna asked with a sneer.

"What if I hired you both, say, nine mercenaries each. Then they would fight over bits of the land for you. Whoever wins the most land gets to rule Equestria. In a sense, this will be a wonderful game of offense and defense, one which I shall moderate," Discord explained.

"What an exquisite idea! I agree!" Celestia said.

"Ha! I love it! But not because my sister does!" Luna said.

"Who shall be hired for the job?" Celestia questioned.

"Ah, I have a few ponies in mind... like Twilight and her friends," Discord stated.

"But Twilight and her friends would never fight and kill! They are too... friendshippy," Luna explained, sticking her tongue out in disgust. “It’s all Celestia’s fault! She wanted them to be friends because she wants Twilight to be my replacement one day!”

“What?! You know that’s not tru-” Celestia screeched before Discord put a paw over her mouth.

"Tut, tut. No need to worry. I will clone them. Simple dark magic spell. The clones will be trained to kill, and yet still retain the girl’s basic personalities and most of their memories." said Discord.

“But, while we are fighting, who will take care of the kingdom?" Celestia asked.

"While you two are fighting, I will take care of Equestria. That way it will be fair..." Discord explained.

"Wonderful plan! There is no way this could go wrong!" Celestia cheered.

"We must get started right away! I cannot wait another minute!" Luna said. She slammed her hoof on the table.

By this time Discord's smile had grown as large as that of an absurdly rich dragon.

"Let the games begin."

Chapter One: A Rude Awakening

Chapter One

"S-spike...?" Twilight groaned as she awoke, rubbing her eyes in frustration. "I-I can't open my eyes! Are you playing one of your little pranks!?"

"Hold still, dear," said a familiar voice in a mocking tone. "Your eyes are still growing in. Should take only a few more moments. Cloning is a timely process!"

"Discord!" Twilight gasped. "What are you doing here!? What are you doing to my eyes!?" Twilight attempted to use her magic to strike out at the chaotic fiend, but found that her horn was not responding. "Oh, Celesita! What have you done to my horn!? Discord, don't make me-"

"Calm down, 'Princess', I haven't gotten to your horn yet. I save magical appendages for last, since they are the most difficult to recreate."

"Recreate...?" Twilight said in confusion. She began to hyperventilate, her quick breaths interrupted by bursts of speech. "What in Equestria is going on!?"

"Ah, your eyes are all done! Now open them and see the world for the first time, my little clone-y!" Stated Discord in a mocking tone.
Twilight's eyes immediately snapped open. The world before her was blurry, but eventually her vision came into focus.

She yelped, jumping into the air like an insane cat.

She was in a large room filled with red objects, from red plastic chairs, to red desks, to even a huge red sun printed on the concrete floor, along with the words “Residents for Eternal Daylight”. Twilight herself was sitting on a crimson bed, the head of which was backed up against one of the walls. She was wearing a strange getup, a vest with a red shirt underneath, as well as brown wide-bottomed pants and dark shoes. She patted her head to find an akubra hat sitting atop it. A pair of sunglasses adorned her muzzle.

There were other beds in the room too. On each was a pony Twilight knew, including her best friends and her brother. They were all dressed in strange clothing as well. A few were awake, looking confused and dazed. Others were unconscious, and seemed to be missing body parts. But as Twilight watched, aghast, they were growing back right before her eyes.

Twilight’s nose wrinkled, and a large snarl formed on her lips. Her stare penetrated into the eyes of the draconequus who sat at the end of her bed. He stared back, a look of childlike glee on his face.

“What... have... you... DONE!” Twilight screeched. She felt her magic bursting from within her, her anger soaring to dangerous heights. However, she could not unleash it. Her horn was still not working. Twilight once again began to hyperventilate.

“Welcome to the world of the living, clone Twilight! Oh, dearie me, you seem to be quite angry... what is the problem?” Discord asked, his eyes growing wide as she played innocent.

“Why did you bring us here, and WHY isn’t my magic working?!” Twilight almost spit venom as she said the words.

“Ha! You haven’t been brought here, my dear Twilight. I’ve simply created you right at this moment! You’re a clone of the original Twilight, designed for service to Princess Celestia in her “glorious” campaign to take Equestria for herself. Does that not make sense?” Discord covered his mouth with a paw, and tried to cover up his fit of giggles.

“Y-you’re lying!” Twilight said. Her brows knit together as she pulled her hat’s sides low. “No... no, you’re joking! I’m not a clone! I remember everything that’s ever happened to me! I’m the real Twilight!”

Discord rolled around on the floor in laughter, going from one tip of the printed sun to the other.

Twilight felt a tap on her shoulder. She whipped her head around to see Fluttershy, dressed in what looked like a lab coat. Red rubber gloves covered her front legs, and brown pants and black boots her back. Angel sat on her shoulder, cooing like a dove. She was near tears, the tiny set of round glasses set on her nose moist with condensation.

“T-twilight!” she stuttered. “What’s happened?! Discord says we are all clones! That can’t be true, can it?!” She hugged Angel close, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Twilight gulped. “I-I really don’t know, Fluttershy... but I’ll sure as hay figure this all out.”

As Discord continued to laugh, a small figure stepped into the room, using a pencil to tap Discord’s tail in order to get his attention.
“Spike?!” Twilight yelled. “You’re here too?!”

The tiny purple dragon wore a purple vest and small horn-rimmed glasses. He carried a notepad in one hand and a pencil in the other. He met Twilight’s gaze in a confused manner.

“Oh. Good morning, RED Sniper. It is nice to see you are up and living,” said Spike in a formal tone. “I’m afraid I don’t know who this “Spike” is. My name is Paul.”

“BAHAWHAW! HAHAHAAA!”

The sound of Rainbow Dash’s laughter filled the room as she sat up from her bed.

“Aw geez, Spike! What’s gotten into you?” Dash rubbed her eyes and yawned. “Hey, what are you doing in my house, anyway? Is Twilight sending you on some kinda errand or-” Dash stood stock still as she opened her eyes, taking in her surroundings. “What the hay...?”

Discord managed to contain his laughter, looking over at Spike. “What is it, Paul?” he asked.

“Paul” cleared his throat. “The BLU team’s room is prepared. We are ready for the cloning process to begin in their base.”

“Perfect. Thank you, Paul,” Discord said. He reached into a pocket of the purple jacket Twilight just noticed he was wearing. He pulled out a huge watch and glanced at it. “And it seems it is also time for the RED team’s members to have a little meet and greet, now that they are all fully formed. Perfect timing!” He swept his arms around the room in a dramatic gesture. “Well, my little clone-ies, I must be off! I will see you all again in about an hour. Have fun in my absence!” And just like that, Discord was gone, leaving a puff of smoke behind.

The room was silent for a moment.

“Wha-what?!” Dash cried. “Twilight, what’s going on?!”

Some of the other ponies in the room began to wake up, yawning and then yelping in surprise when they saw where they were. A large commotion arose, panicked ponies talking among themselves . Twilight noticed that all of her five friends were here, as well as Big Mac, her brother Shining Armor, and even one of the weather ponies from Ponyville; the one called Derpy Hooves.

Rarity was weeping profusely, tears covering the eye mask she wore. Applejack was talking to Big Mac, her eyes wide as she examined her hardhat and overalls. Big Mac was silent, but an unusually fierce expression was on his face. Fluttershy silently cried beside Twilight’s bed, her petite form huddled up with Angel in her embrace. Rainbow Dash flew around the room, looking for an escape. The open hallway Spike had come in from was sealed shut. Derpy sat in her bed, looking confused as she fiddled with the eyepatch covering one of her eyes. It appeared she couldn’t take it off. Shining Armor hurried over to Twilight, and the two shared an embrace.

“Twily, what’s happening? Why is did Discord take us here?” Shining inquired, his face one of concern.

Twilight just buried her head into her brother’s red shirt. “I don’t know... I just don’t know...” she mumbled.
Suddenly, her head snapped up. Wait...

“Pinkie!” she cried. “Where is Pinkie?!”

Everypony in the room paused what they were doing and looked around the room. Rainbow Dash flittered about, calling out when she looked behind the desk at the back of the room.

“She’s behind here!” Rainbow called. “WOAH!”

Twilight trotted over to the desk, glancing behind it. “What the HAY?!”

There, behind the desk, was Pinkie. But it certainly wasn’t the Pinkie Twilight knew. Strapped to her face was a terrifying mask, beneath which were peaking out gruesome burn scars. Her hair was flat and dull-looking, and she wore a red flame-retardant body suit, along with black gloves and boots. In her hooves she had a match, which she was frantically rubbing against the desk.

“Uhh... P-Pinkie...?” Twilight asked hesitantly.

Pinkie’s head slowly turned to look at Twilight, the lifeless eyes of the mask sending chills down her spine.

“Oh my gosh...” Fluttershy said. She put her hooves over her mouth.

By this point everypony in the room was looking at the scene.

After about a minute of silence, Pinkie suddenly leaped up, wrapping her hooves around Twilight in a strong embrace.
“GAH! Pinkie!” Twilight cried, her face turning an even darker shade of violet.

Pinkie continued to hug her, making strange noises. It was like she was trying to talk, but her words were totally mumbled by the mask. After she was done hugging Twilight, she quickly proceeded to do so to Fluttershy, and then to the rest of the group. She seemed to bounce off of the walls, giggling in glee.

A small cough interrupted the scene, and the group’s attention was drawn to Spike. He stood in the middle of the room. His notepad was filled with various scribbles.

“Good morning, team RED,” he said politely, tucking his pencil behind his ear crest. “I am Mr. Paul the Dragon, assistant to Discord the Administrator. You are all clones of various ponies from Equestria, and have been created to fight for Princess Celestia in order to reclaim the land that rightfully belongs to her. You will be fighting against team BLU: Builders of Luna’s Utopia. Each of you has been assigned a specific class, or a role to play on your team. Twilight, you are Sni-”

“Waitwaitwait,” Rainbow Dash interrupted. “What do you mean clones?! I’m the one and only Rainbow Dash, not some random clone!”

Applejack sneered. “Yea, you’re just pullin’ our legs. This can’t be true!”

“Paul” sighed. “Believe me, you all ARE clones, including me. You were all created by Discord to be copies of the ponies you were based off of. However, there have been some significant changes... as well as flaws in the magical cloning system. You all are designed to be ruthless fighting machines, after all, so some memories have been altered, as well as parts of your personality constructs and abilities. Pinkie Pie, for example, is built to be this team’s Pyro. She was given a special affinity for fire as well as a hallucinogenic personality. Though I have to say the schizophrenia was not the most necessary choice... Discord wanted to have a bit of fun... so some changes are as a result of him wanting to make things a bit more chaotic.

“But back to what I was saying before I was interrupted...” Paul gave a quick scowl at Rainbow Dash. “Twilight, you are the team Sniper. Your precision-based magic is finely tuned for the job. You are smart and cunning, using your mind to find the best strategy and positioning. You are also the team leader.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. What in Equestria...? Her mind’s gears where whirring at an incomprehensible pace, taking in all the information that was being pressed upon her. She couldn’t believe this was happening. It had to be some kind of trick Discord was pulling to try to distract her and her friends while he tried to take over Equestria.

And yet...

Twilight noticed that some things were vaguely... off... with her friends. Pinkie was most certainly very strange, but others like Shining Armor were also different. She couldn’t put her hoof on it at the moment, so she decided to keep her eyes on everyone, and observe as much as she could.

“Fluttershy is the team Medic. Her healing skills are unprecedented. She has saved many an animal’s life with her work. Discord has altered her to give her knowledge of pony anatomy as well,” Spike continued.

Fluttershy peeked out from behind her hooves. “I guess I could do that,” she whispered. “But... I am sorry to interrupt... what did Discord do to Angel? He’s not acting like himself...”

“Oh. Discord did not like the personality that the original Angel has. Thus, he changed it to the personality of a dove,” Paul said.
Fluttershy’s breathing grew heavy and her eyes were wide as she looked down at Angel beside her.

“Rarity is the team Spy. Her cunning and knowledge of acting and disguise make her the perfect candidate for infiltrating the enemy team.” Paul said.

Rarity blinked, mouth agape. “What...? How would I even go about doing that?”

“You will all have a small training exercise later on. The skills you need are implanted within you, but you just need to awaken them. Continuing on, Big Mac is the team Heavy Weapons Pony. His muscle gives him the strength to carry the heavy artillery needed to push back the opposing team.”

Big Mac didn’t say anything.

“Pinkamena Diane Pie is the team Pyro. She will handle pyrotechnics.”

Twilight glanced at Pinkie, who was holding the same match from before, but she had found a way to get it ablaze.

“Derpy Hooves is the team Demolitions Mare. She will handle bombs and explosions.”

“Yay!” Derpy said, clapping her hooves together.

“Shining Armor is the team Soldier. He will team up with Twilight Sparkle to make strategy. He also will work with the rocket launcher.”

Shining Armor and Twilight looked at each other. Twilight giggled, a smile appearing on her face for the first time.
“I guess you’ll just be doing the stuff you used to before, my soldier brother... minus the rocket launcher.” Twilight laughed. She didn’t really know why she was laughing. Perhaps the simple thought of her brother having the job he was pretty much already used to on the team was funny to her.

Shining cracked a smile as well... an insane sort of grin. “I am going to dominate every last one of those BLU Equestria-hating scum!”

Twilight’s smile disappeared. “What?”

Before she could say anything more, Paul continued talking. “Applejack is the team Engineer. Her barn-building and farming prowess has been translated into a knowledge of gears and wires. Her mechanical sentries, magical teleporters, and medical dispensers will assist the team greatly.”

“Uh... alrighty then...” Applejack said.

“What about me?!” Rainbow Dash said, tapping her hoof impatiently.

“And last but not least, Rainbow Dash is the team Scout. What she lacks in strength, she makes up for in speed and agility. She can capture points twice as fast as the normal team member, and her scattergun and bat make for intimidating weapons,” Paul said.

“Huh, sweet!” Dash said with a grin. “Sounds perfect!”

Suddenly, a puff of smoke popped up behind Paul, and Discord appeared.

“Hello, my little clone-ies!” He laughed. “I’ve just returned from cloning up the BLU team. Mr. Paul, they are in need of your assistance in explaining their roles.”

“Oh, of course, sir,” Paul said. The hallway opened up for just a moment so he could run out.

“Now... I suppose Mr. Paul told you all your team roles?” Discord inquired.

Everypony silently nodded.

“Excellent. Then it’s time to start training!” Discord said with the grin of a lion.

Author's Note

This chapter is certainly not designed to be the most humorous, more of that will come later. Hope you all enjoy the story so far!