Maud Pie has an ordinary day
Author's Note
People trying to find a plot in this story are to be hanged.
People searching for characters will be shot.
And people who search for a deeper meaning are to be burnt alive.
Maud Pie's ordinary day.
Maud Pie woke up to a pirate holding a sword at her throat. How did she know that he was a pirate? Well, he stank of grog and wore a striped shirt and bandana. He might have been a Prench pony, were it not for his eyepatch, cutlass and skull-and-crossbones Cutie Mark. She barely blinked as he reared back for a strike.
With a mild twitch of her hoof, the pirate was sent flying through the ceiling. She got out of her bed, and walked downstairs to her kitchen. It was flooded. With what seemed to be cola. Without missing a beat, Maud waded through the black, sticky, sweet substance as if it was nothing. She then pulled out what pieces of bread and hay hadn't gotten utterly ruined and ate them without much comment.
Just another ordinary day for Maud Pie.
As she walked outside, she noticed that there was a hoard of zombie ponies, as well as a trio of determined survivors. She walked towards the group. The main stallion, a red unicorn wielding a crossbow, saw her moving towards them slowly.
"Great, more zombies." He shot the bolt at Maud, who didn't even react as the arrow point bounced off of her skull. The stallion gawked at that.
"Are... are you seeing this?"
He turned to the other survivors. "No, seriously, are you seeing this? The arrow jsut bounced off her skull. That's not normal."
Maud looked at the stallion. "Would you know where I might be able to find some more milk and bread? I've kind of run out, and the way there is blocked by zombies." One of the aforementioned zombies decided, suicidally, that Maud was good prey. It shambled over towards her and tried to bite her through her dress. The result was that Maud was mildly perturbed while the zombie's teeth and jaw broke. It shambled away, crying out in non-existent pain. The other zombies saw this and wisely decided to keep out of the way of this invincible mare with skin of iron.
The stallion looked at her with an 'are you bucking serious' expression before turning to his group, a large, bulky zebra with an afro and a skeptical pegasus who still didn't believe that the zombie apocalypse was on despite being surrounded by evidence to the contrary. Fate and her teammates' quick thinking had saved her, during which she still expressed complete and utter disbelief that zombies existed, even though zombies had frequently tried to eat her probably non-existent brains.
"Alright team, that earth pony is just shrugging off zombie bites like they're nothing. Who's up for her to be a meat shield?"
The zebra raised his hoof. "Though it may be rather unethical, such an unflinching barrier would be good at this time most critical."
The mare snorted. "Critical? As I've told the pair of you dozens of times, there is no such thing as zombies."
The stallion raised an eyebrow. "There totally are. We just saved you from, like, a dozen."
She crossed her forelegs (or, technically, her front legs. It's never very clear, is it?) and huffed. "Just because these ponies have apparently never heard of medical care, baths, or Equestrian, doesn't mean that they're zombies!"
The zebra turned to her. "You must have been dropped on your head at birth, for I have no way of telling if that was meant in mirth!"
Maud Pie took no more heed in the ensuing argument and trudged onwards, in search of groceries. A couple of enterprising zombies tried to bite her, but they hadn't any luck. Eventually, they decided to pile on top of the mare and crush her that way. Even that ploy failed- even when several zombie ponies were on top of her and holding her legs, she still moved at that glacial trot that characterised her approach to life. Most of the zombies just gave up and dropped off, humiliated even in undeath by this mare who didn't even bat an eyelid in confusion over why a dozen zombies would be on top of her. Eventually, she arrived at the grocery store, briefly pausing when a pony was thrown out of the window with incredible force.
He staggered up. "Run for your lives! The Dread Villain Carnifex is here!" This caused a general panic in the streets.Carnifex was a horrible, evil being from another world. Mainly, he just acted like a huge jerk and was somehow uncatchable by anypony. Maud just walked right in to the shop, scraping the last vestiges of zombie off on the sides of the doors. Once in, she slowly made her way over to the bread aisle, where a tall, bipedal figure dressed in black stood off against the Elements of Harmony. And her sister. She waved to Pinkie Pie.
"Hey."
Pinkie Pie waved right back. "Hey there, Maud! Me and the girls were dealing with this super-big meanie-pants! Want to help?"
Maud blinked. "Okay."
Twilight Sparkle blinked a couple of times, as did Lord Carnifex. The dread dark lord, in his black, long robe, complete with a couple of skulls that spat blood out onto the floor, was just as confused by Maud as the others were, except for Pinkie Pie, who needs absolutely no explanation.
Carnifex coughed. "You were interrupting my villainous monologue, you know. It's hard to think of those on the fly."
Twilight sighed. "Whatever. Get on with it so me and the girls can blast you."
Carnifex grinned horribly. "Ah, my dear, but that's the glory! You can never stop me! My zombie army of a million zombie ponies will turn Equestria from this absolutely awful sugarbowl into a proper world, filled with grim and violent war and taxes and all the good stuff of humanity." Incidentally, he had a dozen pouches on his belt and
His companion chose to burst through the ceiling, resplendent in his Kefka cosplay outfit. "Look at me, I'm Cuh-huh-razy!"
Carnifex massaged his nose. "Goddamn it Kefka. Nobody wants to look at your terrible, frankly rather cliched randomness anymore!"
Kefka grinned. "Ah, you will never get bored of my random chaos. By the way, I'm wearing women's underwear, because IT'S CRAZY!"
"Goddamn it."
He turned around, just in time to witness Maud clobbering him with a rock. She looked down at him impassively. "Well, that was easy."
Kefka turned to her. "Very impressive, strange earth piny. But I am the God of Magic himself, and I will not-"
Maud clobbered him with a rock as well. "Well, time to buy some groceries." With that, she pulled her bread off the shelf, and slowly walked over to the milk aisle.
Twilight looked at Rarity despairingly. "How did she do that so easily? Normally, they somehow escape while lecturing us on something or other."
Rarity shook her head. "She's Pinkie's sister. She doesn't have to make sense."
Twilight nodded sagely. "Ah. Right."
Maud wanered back outside, where the zombie apocalypse was still happening. She trudged through the fray, with nothing more than being mildly irked as the zombie's ichor adhered to her hooves in long, sticky strands. As soon as she'd put her groceries away, she finished writing her ground-breaking treatise on each and every single type of rock that ever was. With that, she sent her paper to be published. Surely nothing would come of it.
There were some stranglevines blocking her way out of the door for her customary walk. She dealt with them by punching them. Segments of the vines tore away, with the other bits too confused to wonder why they weren't succumbing to gravity. Soon enough, they noticed and promptly fell down, dead. Maud walked through town slowly and patiently. Zombies staggered through the streets while the survivors mowed them down with crossbow bolts and throwing knives, Creepers were blowing things up and the Princesses were overhead moving the sun and moon into a solar eclipse.
Overall, just another day in the life of Maud PIe.