Give My Regards to Cerberus
The Guard Dog Paradox
We are a good dog.
At least, we think so. Mistress always says we are good, so we must be good. We have a very important job, after all. We protect Mistress's home from those who are bad. Ever since we were a pup, that has been our job. We are good at our job. Therefore, we are a good dog.
We like being a good dog. If we're good, that means Mistress loves us. That's good, because we love Mistress, too. We don't see her a lot, but when we do, she's always nice to us. She feeds us; plays with us; strokes us behind our ears. She does all these things for us, so we have to be a good dog in return. That's how it's always been.
We were bad once. We left our post when we weren't supposed to. Mistress wasn't happy about that. She called us a bad dog. We didn't like being called a bad dog. Especially not after that nice yellow pony called us a good dog. But we knew she called us bad because we were bad. We were sorry, and she forgave us. Mistress is nice like that.
We haven't been bad since then. No one has escaped from our watch. We make sure those bad guys stay where they belong. They are in the bad place because they're bad. If they weren't bad, they wouldn't be in the bad place, would they? No, they wouldn't. That would be silly. Good guys can't go to the bad place (without Mistress's permission); bad guys can't leave the bad place. It's just that simple.
Wait. Something smells wrong. One of the bad guys must be trying to sneak past us. We bear our fangs and look every which way. We can't let anyone escape.
Something glows above us. We look up. There is a hole in the sky. How did a hole get there? Oh, wait! It must be Mistress. She must be sending another bad guy to the bad place. But then, why does it smell wrong?
Three shapes fly through the hole, landing on one of the mountains. They smell, familiar. It's faint, but we know that smell. If only it was stronger, we'd know what it was. Maybe we should get closer. Mistress won't mind if we get the scent of the new bad guy, would she? We're not leaving our post like we did when we were bad. She'd understand.
We walk up the mountain's stairs, sniffing the air as we climb. The closer we get, the more familiar the smell is. For some reason, it smells, nice. Nice? Bad guys don't smell nice. They smell bad. Everything in the bad place is supposed to smell bad. Why is this different?
We get to the top. Three ponies lie on the ground, chained to stakes. Their scent is still faint. They look weak, as if all the energy was drained from their bodies. They must've done something terrible to Mistress if they're in this condi—
Wait. We know what that smell is now! It's Mistress! Wait, what? That can't be right. Mistress is good. She wouldn't send herself to the bad place. She has no reason to. That can't be Mistress, can it?
Cautiously, we approach the ponies. They do look like Mistress and her fellow kin. But they're, different. Mistress's mane isn't moving or sparkling. The picture on her flank is missing. The same can be said of her kin. Before we can get a really good sniff, they begin to talk.
"Well, it's all in her hooves now," says one of the ponies. Her voice is soft and soothing, very much like Mistress.
"Indeed," says another in a stiffer voice, similar to Mistress's sister. "Although I have to wonder if she knows what to do with the power we gave her."
"I'm sure she'll figure it out," says the third pony in a melodious voice. "She's always been good at that kind of thing."
"I know," says Mistress's sister, casting her gaze downward. "It's just that, when she left the palace, she looked so, scared. Even now, I don't know if she's ready."
"She will be," says Mistress, nuzzling up to her sister. "The alliance between Discord and Tirek will not last. While tensions between them mount, Twilight will have time to ready herself for the big battle ahead."
"Against whom, though?" asks Mistress's sister.
Mistress sighs. "I don't know. I really thought Discord had changed. Perhaps he still has, and he's playing Tirek for a fool. Then again, the opposite could be true. Or perhaps this will be what it takes to have Discord fully understand the meaning of friendship. Whatever happens, we have to have faith in Twilight."
"Agreed," says the third pony.
They become silent. We inch closer to them and fully take in their scent. There's no doubt now. It's definitely Mistress and her kin. But, why? They aren't bad. They don't belong here.
Mistress's sister looks up at us and scowls. "Cerberus," she says coldly. She is mad at us. We don't know why, but her tone is causing every hair on our body to stand up on end. What did we do wrong?
"This is all your fault," she spits, glaring at us. "If you just stayed at your post like you were supposed to, this wouldn't have happened! Tirek escaped because you weren't there to stop him!"
This surprises us. Someone escaped while we were gone? But the unicorn said she got us back to our post before that could happen. Was she wrong? What's going on?
"Tirek is wreaking havoc all across Equestria because of you!" Mistress's sister scolds. She's not as loud as she normally is when she's like this, but we feel bad all the same. We lie on the ground and whimper as she advances towards us, the chain around her ankle hampering her movement. "You had one job, Cerberus! Prevent anyone from escaping from Tartarus! That's all you had to do! Why did you leave your post?! Why?!"
W-we don't know. We don't even remember. Please stop yelling.
"Answer me, Cerberus!" Mistress's sister barks. "Why did you doom us all?! Why—"
"That's enough, Luna."
We look up. Mistress's wing is raised in front of her sister, and she gives her a stern look. It's the look that she gives us when we've been bad.
"I understand your frustrations, Sister," says she. "But you can hardly blame this on Cerberus."
"Tia, we don't belong down here!" her sister protests. "We're prisoners while Tirek roams free destroying all we hold dear! If Cerberus didn't..."
"Luna, calm down," says the third pony. "You act like Cerberus is the one who set him free. He would never do something like that, would you, Cerberus?"
We shake our heads. Of course we wouldn't. What happened back then was an accident. We were bad, and Mistress forgave us. We know that bad people are supposed to stay in this bad place. That's how it's supposed to be.
But, Mistress's sister is right. Mistress doesn't belong here, nor do her kin. We should set them free.
As Mistress comforts her sister, we look at the stakes in the ground. We could easily destroy them with one swipe of our paw. And then Mistress will be free, and she'll say we're a good dog. We raise our paw.
But then, we stop. We're not supposed to do this. This is a bad place. No one is allowed to leave. If we let anyone leave, Mistress will say we're a bad dog.
But Mistress is the one we want to set free. That makes it alright, right?
What if it is a test to see if we would fall for a bad guy's tricks? If we fail, Mistress will scold us. We can't free them.
No. They look like they're in pain. This is no test. Th-they have to be freed.
It's our duty to keep bad people here.
Mistress is not a bad person.
Then why is she here in chains?
W-we don't know. There must've been a mistake.
Mistress doesn't make mistakes.
She sent herself down here, then? That makes no sense.
We have a job to do. We can't fail Mistress by letting her go.
But it's Mistress. She doesn't belong here.
Back and forth, we argue amongst ourselves, our paw still poised to strike. We, really don't know what to do. It's our job to prevent those sent here from escaping, but Mistress was sent here. While we ponder this, the three ponies continue to talk.
"Things may look bleak now, Luna," says Mistress. "I completely understand that. I'm scared, too. We all are. However, we can't take this out on Cerberus. It won't do us any good."
"Then, what will?" asks Mistress's sister. "Waiting?"
"It's all we can do, Luna," says the third pony. "Besides, we still have Twilight. She'll figure this out."
"I know," says Mistress's sister with a sigh. "Twilight Sparkle is a brilliant mare. I'm sure she'll find a way to defeat Tirek. I just feel so, useless right now. I want to be out there with my ponies, protecting them."
"I know how you feel," says the third pony. "We're all thinking that right now. I'm worried about Shining Armor and the Crystal Empire myself. But we simply can't do anything about it right now. What's done is done."
"I, suppose," says Mistress's sister. She then looks up at us and raises an eyebrow. "Um, what's Cerberus doing?"
Mistress looks up as well. Her gaze seems, odd. She's not mad at us, but she isn't happy, either.
"I think Cerberus here has stumbled upon a moral dilemma," she says. "Nothing like this has ever happened in Tartarus before. He must be so confused."
Mistress knows us so well. That's exactly what we're thinking right now. She lifts her hoof and delicately strokes our leg.
"It's alright, Cerberus," she coos. "You don't have to free us. If anything, we're safer down here. We wouldn't be able to help our little ponies without our magic."
We're not sure what she means, but we're glad the choice has been made for us this time. We lower our paw and bring ourselves to Mistress's height to the best of our ability. We then lick her face.
"Heh, there's a good boy," she giggles, petting the side of our right jowl. "It's okay, Cerberus. Everything will be just fine."
We needed to hear that. We sigh in contentment and wag our tail. Mistress's sister comes over and pets us, too.
"I'm sorry, Cerberus. I didn't mean to lash out like that," she says. "Things have just been rather, difficult lately. You understand, right?"
We don't truly understand, but we accept her apology all the same with a lick to the face.
"I think Cerberus wants to keep us company while we're down here," says the third pony.
"I'm inclined to agree, Cadence," says Mistress. She looks up at us and smiles. "Is that what you want, boy?"
We bark an affirmation.
"Then I'll allow it," says Mistress. "I think we need it, anyway."
We couldn't be happier to hear this. Using each of our tongues, we lick the three ponies in unison.
"Heh heh! You never told me how affectionate Cerberus could be," says the third pony.
Mistress chuckles. It's nice to see Mistress happy. Even if she is in this bad place. We still don't know why that is, but right now, it doesn't matter. If she's happy, we're happy.
"Oh, by the way," says Mistress. "Tirek gives his regards. Don't worry, you'll be seeing him again soon enough."
The other two laugh. We're not sure why, but again, as long as they're happy, so are we.
After all, we are a good dog.
Author's Note
It's always been my headcanon that Cerberus is Celestia's pet. So when Tirek gave his final taunt to Celestia before sending her to Tartarus, I had to wonder how the great three-headed dog would react. Thus, this story was written.
