I Suck At Titles, Summary Better

by Ugncreative Usergname

Rating: mature
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 266137

After reality show Friendship is Magic was cancelled after its first season, a different developer created what was essentially its continuation, but they weren’t as interested in the child-friendly parts of the Ponyville residents’ lives

After ultra-popular reality show Friendship is Magic was cancelled after its first season—despite all its viewers, there were few who bought anything the ads advertised—a different developer and channel launched what was essentially its continuation, but they weren’t as interested in the child-friendly parts of the Ponyville residents’ lives.

This isn’t actually a clopfic; there are some relatively prudish sex scenes that go right up to the sex, say it happened, then show the characters after, and some that happen during it but focus on something not very cloppable, but it’s certainly enough for a mature designation. Most of the chapters are not about sex.

The chapters are very episodic, and they can be read many in a row or months apart just as easily; the comedy/SoL pairing could be cynically taken to mean "it's a bit of a sitcom". As for the types of jokes there are, a lot of the punchlines are anticlimaxes. Not anti-jokes, but there are a lot more periods than exclamation marks as far as the tone goes.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-21 15:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1½: The Next Morning, and Also the Rest of That Day

The next morning, the six most recent world-saviours were conversing in the middle of the busiest intersection in Ponyville, which would have been much more disruptive in a town with any significant population. That was the plan, but Applejack was selling apples, Rarity was still working, Rainbow Dash was dealing with the weather, and Twilight was studying. Which left just Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, “the fantastic rhyming duo”, as Pinkie Pie had called them once to the non-reaction of the other five.

“Syoo...” Pinkie said, “Everypony else was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago.”

“Do you know what happened? Did they all forget?”

“I don’t know, but it’s way too hot for me to spend any more time out here. I’m leavin’.”

“I probably should too, I have things to do if nopony’s coming.”

And so they went their separate ways.

Chapter 4: Where It Gets Weird

It was a beautiful sunny day at a public space in Cloudsdale. Almost like a park, but without any trees, as they didn’t grow well in cloud. Precipitation was quite rare there, as it happened. But defying the spirit of bright sunny days, two one-time characters were arguing with a moderate amount of anger over who loved a particular flavour of doughnut more.

“Oh, did you just say you think you’re the number one fan of Iced Strawberry™?” She actually said the ™.

“Yeah, I think I am. I certainly appreciate all the maths they had to go through to balance out the icing with the artificial strawberry to satisfy sophisticated tastes like my own, as directly opposed to your philosophy of a—what word can describe it—sickly amount of icing on every doughnut being appropriate. Seriously, what’s even the point of the strawberry flavouring if you just want ludicrous amounts of icing to overpower it anyway?”

“To overpower it? Are you suggesting that I can’t appreciate or even detect any taste even vaguely subtle? And I ponially think the balance of all the ingredients on Iced Strawberry™ doughnuts is absolutely perfect, they delivered exactly what the consumers wanted and didn’t get anything wrong.”

“Uh-huh. Sure. I totally believe that knowing your previous comments about Mocha.”

“Well, I love and understand Iced Strawberry™ infinitely more than you ever could with your limited experience in doughnut studies.”

“Oh, you want to play the misused infinity game? Well, I love it tan(90°) plus one.”

“Hey, you can’t add one to that! It’s not even defined!”

The “tangent of ninety degrees” one threw a punch, the other then tackled her, and a hooffight broke out. The kind where both the participants are wimps and so the fight could conceivably go on for hours without either of them being injured. Fortunately, a few minutes in, this happened:

“Hey,” said a random passerby, “A fight about doughnuts! That sounds much more interesting than this aimless walking I’m doing!”

“Hey,” another noticed at the same time, “That dust ball-generating fight looks like a much more efficient method of exercise than this aimless walking.”

This happened many times over, often with flying instead of walking, and before 90% of polled Equestrians knew it, half the town were in one huge hooffight. There was one specific incident of a pony joining which interests especially, because the incident was Rainbow Dash.

“Hey,” she said, “Is that a fight? That sounds much more fun and new than than this aimless flying I’m doing!”

She came down to earth, literally, except it was Cloudsdale so not literally.

“Is there a point to this fight?” she said into the cartoon dust cloud. “Like, do I have to pick a side, or is it just a free-for-all?”

Immediately after she said that, she noticed a lemonade stand-type desk in her peripheral vision several metres away. Behind the desk was a cream-coloured stallion of build so average it was actually remarkable that nothing was noticeably deviant. She walked over to the desk.

“Rainbow Dash?!” he said. “Holy crap, Rainbow Dash! Can I—”

“What’s this fight like and how can I join?”

“You have to decide whether you think the Iced Strawberry doughnuts you can get from Torus Café are flawless or if they’re perfect instead.”

“Well, they’re not an absolute historical masterpiece of food, but there’s nothing really wrong with them, so... flawless, I guess?”

He took a black headband from under the desk and held it out. Rainbow took it and donned it. He then hooved her a clipboard with paper and pen. “Sign this.”

She signed it without perusal or hesitation and he took the signing-related items back.

“No flying. If you get your headband torn off, you have to leave, in which case I guess you’re allowed to fly. If you collect five headbands, return them here for fabulous prizes!”

“I thought this was just some riot, why am I signing stuff?”

“It’s like how every sport started out as a foals’ game.”

“That doesn’t—”

“Get going, there’s a line.”

She looked over her shoulder and saw that a line of three others had developed, and so she went heroically off into the dust cloud.

Hours later, ponies joining because they had an opinion or wanted a spider ring, leaving because they had to go to work, or being dragged away by one of a few volunteers for being unconscious or dead, dusk came. The signup pony’s watch beeped, prompting him to take a megaphone from behind the desk.

“The first annual Torus Café DoughnutBrawl is over,” he said. “You have eight seconds to stop killing each other, under penalty of not getting prizes.”

Everyone stopped fighting and instantly went into a grid formation.

“I thought this was just called the Cloudsdale doughnut riot of 2011,” a mare said effortlessly despite her lack of teeth.

“That’s because the two ponies who started it were shills and the entire riot was secretly a publicity stunt.”

And so all the Cloudsdalese were mad for a few days about their passion for spontaneous riots being taken advantage of, then forgot about it.

Chapter 4½: Fun Clopfic Times

With the introductions over, it was finally time for the horrible sex scenes to get underway. However, none of the main characters had any relationships, so the scenes had to be delayed a few chapters until somebody made a love confession.

Chapter 6: Unscripted

Within view of the Sweet Apple Acres house, Applejack was irritated about something.

“Rainbow Dash!” Applejack yelled into the cloudy, raining sky, hoping Rainbow Dash would appear so she wouldn’t look like she was yelling at a bunch of clouds. As it happened, Rainbow was close enough to hear her and came down to earth, literally punching through the clouds.

“It ain’t supposed to be rainin’ yet.”

“Everypony’s doing the best they can, there are just too many clouds! Besides, the script said it would rain, look!” Rainbow hooved her the script.

“Oh, this?” Applejack said. “This don’t control a thing. See right here how it says the next line Ah’ll say after this one is ‘Well, it’s wrong’?”

“Yeah.”

“Orange.”

Rainbow froze in shock. She had never seen, heard, or tasted anything like this before.

“How... how did you even do that?” Rainbow said, just as the script thought she would.

Applejack looked at the next two lines, which explained how she should look at the script and then say “It’s just real good at predicting ponies’ actions. It don’t actually do anythin’.”.

“Just take it and you try it,” Applejack said, hooving the script to Rainbow. Rainbow read the next two lines, which instructed her to read the next two lines, then say “But... how...?”. She breathed in, focussed for a second, and said:

“Lemon!”

“See? You did it!”

“Wow, I... I didn’t even... what does it say about when the rain will end?”

“It says you won’t be able to stop it and it’ll just have to end naturally.”

“I’ll show it!” She tore the script into dozens of pieces and flew back up into the sky.

“Spitfire?” she said after a couple minutes of looking for Spitfire.

“Yeah?”

“Is there any more organisation stuff you can do now that you’re not hungover? Because the script said we’d fail to stop the rain and I’m trying to prove it wrong.”

“It’s the script, what do you think I can do? The entire reason I haven’t done anything is because I read it and decided not to bother.”

“Exactly, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy! If you just ignore it, Cloudsdale can do this!”

“Meh.”

“Come on!”

“It’s too late by now anyway. We’d be breaking all sorts of records and also laws of physics.”

“Fine. I’ll see you when you’re dead without a fancy gravestone for your achievements.”

“Because of a management decision you didn’t agree with?”

“Yes.”

Chapter 7: Wherein People Stop Reading Because They Thought This Wasn’t One of Those Freaky Ones

After attempting to stop one of the largest rainstorms Ponyville had experienced in years without any assistance, Rainbow Dash was exhausted to the point of imminent fainting. If she had actually made the rain noticeably less intense, this wouldn’t have bothered her very much, but that wasn’t even the case.

“Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy, exactly below her, said. “I wanted to talk—”

Rainbow Dash finally lost consciousness and started falling. Fluttershy barely got out of the way in time.

“Um....” She turned Rainbow’s face out of the mud and wiped it clean. “Well, this was lucky.”

Rainbow woke up with her legs firmly tied to a damp stone wall, with sets of rope tying places near both ends of each of her legs. The room was completely unlit, and as such she couldn’t see much. A torch about a metre away from her was lit, followed by another one further to her right, going anticlockwise around the room until, as the last one was just being lit, she looked to her left and could just make out:

“F... Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy lit a few candles on a table in the centre of the room, making it much brighter. The writer neglected to give any details of the room’s appearance, making the eventual crappy film adaptation more difficult to make, or possibly easier since the filmmakers couldn’t be yelled at for inaccuracies.

“I see you’re finally awake from the coma. I hope you weren’t seriously hurt.”

“What’s going on?”

“Oh, you’re just in my basement, you’re safe. I redid it a couple of days ago, do you like how it looks?”

“Why am I tied to a wall?”

“Well, since I had the opportunity, I figured I could do a couple of things with you.”

“Which of these things would require my being tied to a wall?”

“Well, I’ll show you. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, you know.”

She walked up to a confused, terrified Rainbow Dash and calmly started to eat into her delicious, moist, intoxicating cake she had recently retrieved from the table.

“Mmm,” Fluttershy said with exactly three Ms, “I just baked this less than an hour ago. Now, as for the thing I wanted to show you....”

She put the cake back and opened a door which was painted to blend in with the rest of the wall, which it didn’t. She took from behind it a coil of the same kind of rope she was using on Rainbow Dash, went back in front of her, and dropped it.

“Isn’t this rope great? Even you can’t find a way out of it.”

“...Is that all you wanted to show me?”

Fluttershy put a hoof under her chin for a second. “Well, I wanted to rape you too.”

“What?! But why? Why would you want to do something like that?”

“I’ve always been too afraid to ask, and when I saw you were out from a fall and exhaustion, I decided I wouldn’t get a better chance. Besides, it won’t be long. And give it a chance, you might end up liking it.”

“But... Fluttershy... you’re... you’re Fluttershy. You would be the last one to....”

Fluttershy slowly started to lean her head in toward Rainbow’s crotch when she heard the basement door open.

“Oh, did I forget to lock that? Just a second.”

“Rainbow Dash! Magic told me you were in trouble!” Twilight said. She met Fluttershy at the bottom of the stairs. “Fluttershy! Do you know wha—”

Fluttershy jumped at her, took them both to the floor, and got her in a chokehold.

“Wha—are—” Twilight passed out, unable to concentrate enough to magick her way free.

Fluttershy dragged Twilight to the other side of the room, took the length of rope she had shown Rainbow, and hastily tied Twilight to another spot in the wall. The features of the wall which would make this easily possible were also left unmentioned.

“Now, then, we can get back to what we were doing,” she said as she walked back towards Rainbow Dash.

“You don’t have to do this, Fluttershy.”

“But I’ve been waiting for so long, and I finally—” The door was dramatically slammed open. “Let me get that.”

“Applejack,” Fluttershy said. “You made—” an incident of blunt contact involving Applejack’s hoof, Fluttershy’s head, and a wall knocked Fluttershy out. Applejack ran down and tore out the ropes holding Rainbow and Twilight with her teeth, because she’s badass like that, causing Twilight to fall. Having something dramatic to say, she also woke up.

“...Ehh?” Twilight said, rubbing her head and blinking a couple times. “What... Applejack?”

Applejack explained what happened to her as she led them outside.

The rest of the group were gathered just outside Fluttershy’s house, Twilight having teleported the others.

“So,” Applejack said, “What are we gonna do about Fluttershy? By the way, isn’t she still in—”

“Okay, I admit it!” Pinkie Pie said.

“Admit what?” Applejack said.

“I made her do it! I planned the whole thing!”

“No, you didn’t. Co—”

“No, I did! She was never going to do anything bad to any of you—”

“She nearly killed me,” Twilight said.

“—It was a prank!”

“But it seems a bit out of your character to plan something this... this....” Rainbow was having trouble finding a fitting adjective, even though the English language had by far more words than any other.

“It’s not like any of you are acting in character right now.”

“How did you even convince Fluttershy to do it?” I missed who said this, it could’ve been anyone.

“Well... I might’ve had to do a little pushing around....”

“And you better do this or I’ll kill that firefly!” she said, gesturing towards a firefly tied to a tree branch with string.

“I think it seems a bit....”

“The new management said I need to be ‘interesting’ to stay in the show and I’m not losing my job. Not the Sugarcube job, this. You know what I mean.”

“But they won’t understand until—”

“That’s the point of the joke. Now do you want that firefly to firedie or not?”

“No....”

“She nearly killed me,” Twilight said. “And if you did do that, how did you get the weather to work? Or was it just opportunistic?”

“Well, she got lucky finding Rainbow Dash, but I rented a balloon and showed a bunch of ponies the script just in case they tried to be heroes and Rainbow actually did something that satisfied her. Well, not just me, Bob helped to—”

“Bob was in on this?” Rainbow said.

“Yep! You know him?”

“The next time I see him, he’s gonna get lamrodded.”

“Do you even know what ‘lamrodded’ means?” Twilight whispered to Applejack. Applejack whispered the definition back, causing Twilight to stare at her and blink. “I... really wish I hadn’t asked that.”

“It was still pretty fun, right?” Pinkie said.

“No,” said everyone except Rarity.

“I thought she was gonna...” Rainbow said.

“Exactly! I totally got you ponies,” Pinkie said with extreme pride, not to be confused with the time she was proud of the 540° she did. Fluttershy came out of the house and caught everyone’s attention.

“Can I talk to you, Pinkie Pie?” Fluttershy said.

Pinkie went over to her, thinking four metres would bring them completely out of earshot.

“It is true what Pinkie told us? About the prank?” Rainbow said.

“Yes,” Fluttershy said. “I’m... look, I’m really sorry, but she made threats. She took a firefly hostage and said if I didn’t do it she would kill it, so... I hope you can understand....”

“It’s fine,” Applejack said, “We ain’t doin’ anythin’ to you. Now, Pinkie Pah, you know you went way too far with this.”

“But I really don’t want to lose this job because I’m seriously living paycheque to paycheck right now. Sugarcube Corner isn’t going great and—”

“You know what you did,” Applejack said. “What even made you think it’d be fun for anypony ‘sahdes yourself?”

“Well... stuff....”

“Look, everypony,” Fluttershy said. “I deserve to be punished for actually doing the whole thing. I went way too far too.”

“No, you were forced to do it. You’re just hating yourself because you’re Fluttershy.” I missed who said this one too, but it was probably Twilight since she said the next line, which seems like it would follow from that one. “It’s Pinkie Pie we have to tear into three hundred little Pinkie bits.”

“Hey,” Applejack said, “Do any ah you know where Rarity went?”

Rarity had been absent the whole time and no one had noticed.

Chapter 9: The Cheddar Wheel of Balance

Twilight enjoyed many subjects, especially when the media was text, but her two favourites were easily spellbooks and play-by-plays of massacres. At the moment, she was levitating a 300-page glossy hardcover book full of the latter. Across the bedroom, Spike was sitting on the lower bunk eating baby carrots. As Twilight contently savoured the photograph on page 120, she wished that she could just see someone die in front of her, right now. As she was thinking this, Spike put his hands on his neck and began to choke. She looked up from the book.

“Spike? Are you okay?”

He nodded. After a couple more seconds, he vomited some chewed-up carrot and a letter onto the carpet. Twilight took the ribbon off the letter and unrolled it.

“‘This is Celestia. Well, technically it’s one of Celestia’s domestic workers writing this down. Yes, I really want you to write that. Because my hoofwriting sucks. Well, magicwriting. Yes, just do it. You remembered the confirmations that I wanted you to write everything down, right? And that, and this? Good.’”

“Do you have to read all this aloud?”

“Yes. Um... ‘Solar Eclipse has stolen the Cheddar Wheel of Balance.’”

“Who?”

“One of the royal guards.”

“What was he doing with a name like that?”

“Spike, that’s racist. ‘So now I have one elite guard that turned evil and three that are just dead. Anyway, he’s in a base built into Teal Mountain, so if you could kill him that would be great.’”

Other than the ones who lived there, Sugarcube Corner was deserted when Twilight came in.

“Hey, Twilight.”

“You’re good at gathering ponies, right? Get the group together.”

“What’s up?”

“The Cheddar Wheel of Balance got stolen.”

“What?! How long do we have before everypony turns evil?”

“About a week. It shouldn’t take that long, just get them together. I have shit to do.”

“Okay. HEY, CHEESECAKE!”

A cream-coloured stallion teleported in front of the counter. “Yeah?”

“I’m saving the world for a few days, you know what to do.”

“All right.”

After three hours of no business, Double Chocolate Cheesecake would go on to be sacked for swearing at his first customer.

It was a clear day, an hour before sunset but still warm. Five of the world-saviours were assembled in front of Fluttershy’s house.

“Now for the tricky one...” Pinkie Pie said. “Do you know where Rainbow Dash is, Fluttershy?”

“No.”

“Well, what are we gonna do? Twilight?”

“I don’t know. Obviously one of us will probably see her tomorrow, but that’s a whole day wasted....”

“Ah got an idea,” Applejack said. “It worked last week.” She tilted her head slightly upward, just enough for it to be clear she was looking at the sky. “RAINBOW DAAASH!”

“You just tried that when I got you,” Pinkie said.

“So?”

“What are we all gonna do, sit down and scream ‘Rainbow Dash’ into the sky all night?”

“Sorry....”

“I guess we’ll just have to wait,” Twilight said. “I guess I didn’t think this through....”

“AJ could’ve been right,” Pinkie said. “It would’ve been dumb to not at least try to start now.”

“I’m just embarrassed.”

“And nervous about the fate of the world?”

“A bit, but that’s not the main thing.”

And so everyone went back home and felt bad for not screaming for Rainbow Dash every few minutes. Yet even with saving the world delayed, Twilight still had a problem to deal with.

“Uh...” Spike was right there in the front room eating straight from the three-litre box the ice cream came in. “That was quick.”

“Spike?”

“You never told me I couldn’t do this.”

Twilight closed the door behind her, walked up to him, and drew her hoof back. “Do you have anything better than that?”

“You could let me eat it and let my body take care of the punishment.”

“Uh-huh.” Just as she was about to throw the punch, she relaxed her leg, looked at it for a moment, and put it back down. “Something about this doesn’t feel right.”

“Is it punching your adopted child?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t put all of my weight into this.”

“I think that’s what it is.”

At the stroke of midnight, there was a door that someone in the Sweet Apple Acres barn had to get. As the only one awake, this fell to Applejack.

“Rainbow!”

“Why are you so excited? I’m just here to sleep.”

“The world needs savin’ and none of us knew where you were.”

“Oh. Can we do it tomorrow?”

“Yeah. You know, you don’t seem very worried.”

“I’m just tired.”

“But everypony could turn evil.”

“So? Maybe the actions judged evil by who or whatever is trying to change it line up with our ideas of good.”

“The whole planet’s gonna be a murderfest.”

“We need to live cooperatively to survive, let alone enjoy ourselves. Assuming you’re defining ‘evil’ as pure self-interest—”

“Let’s get you to bed.”

The next morning, everyone was assembled in front of Fluttershy’s house, including someone supplied by the state who was just there to teleport them.

“Are we all ready?” Twilight said.

“Yeah!” said the others apart from Rainbow Dash, who was still waking up, and Fluttershy, who was Fluttershy.

The chauffeur teleported the group to the base of the road that led up Teal Mountain. It was an anonymous mountain pass, a couple hundred metres of flat, grassy generic ground before it suddenly became a mountain on either side. Gravel roads six or seven metres wide hugged both sides, although there were no buildings, trees, or anything else in the middle to stop the whole thing from being one incredibly wide road if someone had the will and resources. The road up was similar, for as long as there could be a road. It was a climb from 1,000 to 2,500 metres to the top where the giant sculpted skull awaited them.

“Are we it?” Twilight said. “Is there anypony in the military who’d like to help?”

“Oh, you did something much harder than this before. Besides, he doesn’t have an army either, so you should be fine.”

“Do we have to do serious climbing or is it just walking uphill?”

“It’s a bit of a hike, obviously, but you don’t need icepicks or anything.”

“Well... I guess it seems easy enough. Hey, Rarity, give me a granola bar.”

Rarity, the one chosen to carry a paper bag with some sandwiches and assorted snacks in it, fulfilled the request.

“When do we start?” Pinkie said.

“Ammera minna nit deasa nanola ma,” Twilight said.

“What?”

She swallowed the bite. “Now.”

The path wasn’t very safe, the classic cliff up on one side and cliff down on the other, getting gradually narrower as it got further up. It wasn’t long, about two or three hours to walk if it was flat, but in reality it was slightly uphill. About halfway up, the now dirt path was about a metre wide, and Rarity sat down like a cat.

“Ponies?” she said. As she was the last in the row, everyone turned around.

“You’re so lazy,” Twilight said.

“You said we had a week. Can’t we rest for a minute?”

“You’re just lazy. Right, Applejack?”

“Ah’ll back you up on that.”

“Her job is to kick trees so hard the fruit literally falls off, of course that’s what she’ll say.”

“Fine. Pinkie Pie.”

“Yep, you’re lazy.”

“See? Her job involves standing all day.”

“What are you going to do, force me to keep walking?”

Twilight went past the other four and constricted Rarity’s neck with her magic. Rarity looked down and began to make loud choking noises. After about ten seconds, Twilight released her, and she immediately began to take slow, heavy breaths.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy said, meekly even for her.

“What?” She didn’t look away from Rarity.

“Di... did you really... need....”

“Yes.”

The next problem came with just a few hundred horizontal metres and several dozen vertical metres left, as there was a pony-made obstacle set on the path: hundreds upon hundreds of banana skins. The now rock path was half a metre wide, so a slip in the right direction could result in a possibly fatal fall, at least for Applejack and Pinkie Pie.

“What are we going to do?” Twilight said.

“You could just levitate ‘em outta the way,” Applejack said.

“Oh. I guess that would work.”

She went along picking up the banana skins, throwing them off the path at each switchback.

The front room of the hideout was a hollowed-out cube with nothing to cover up the rock it was carved into. It contained a lamp, a bed, and an adjacent bedstand with the Cheddar Wheel of Balance and Solar Eclipse’s laptop on it. The grey artefact-stealing unicorn and his one minion, a spring green mare with a striped red and white mane and tail, were together in the room but not doing anything in particular.

“Do you hear hoofsteps?” said the minion, Peppermint.

“No. You’re probably just paranoid.”

Someone knocked the unpainted beech door. “I think I did.” She went up to it. “Who is it?”

“Uh... it’s the pizza.”

She opened the door. “Oh, wow! Oh, you’re a pegasus, that makes sense.”

“Peppermint, that’s Rainbow Dash!”

“What? Oh, you’re right! Hey, you’re not allowed in here.”

“Yes, I am.”

“What? Hey, Eclipse, did you—”

“Don’t let anypony in!”

“Okay. Sorry, but you can’t come in.”

“I’m ready,” Twilight said.

Rainbow got out of the way.

“Peppermint?” Eclipse said.

“Yes?”

“Could you move?”

She did. With the field now clear, it was time for the magic knockout bolt shootout, or waiting for Twilight to tilt her head in front of the doorway to see how good Solar Eclipse’s reaction time was. After a tense at first but quickly boring fifteen seconds, she looked through the doorway, fired the bolt, and snapped her head back to let Eclipse’s shot fly out into the sky. The part before the shots were fired was then repeated, and she noticed that he was unconscious.

“I got him,” she said. The six of them rushed in and Peppermint got on her chest. Twilight went across the room and took the laptop off.

“Is this... no, this is the real one. I expected it to be in a safe or something.”

“Can we go?” Pinkie said.

“Well, Celestia wants him dead. Can anypony do that?”

“Ah’ll snap his neck,” Applejack said.

“Okay.” She went back across. “Now, who are you?”

“I surrender. Please let me live.”

“Well, I guess I don’t see what harm you could be.”

“And what about our opinions?” Pinkie said. “I say we vote!”

“Okay...” Twilight said. “What’s your vote?”

“I vote to let her live.”

“Don’t kill her if you don’t have to,” Rarity said.

“Don’t be a war criminal,” Applejack said.

“Okay, see how pointless that was? Rarity and Applejack just agreed on something.”

“Sounds like a thought-terminating cliché to me.”

“Anyway, she can live.” She took the Cheddar Wheel of Balance. “Now let’s head back down.”

“Can’t you teleport us?” Rainbow said. “You’ve already been to the bottom.”

“Yeah, once. Besides, you can just fly down. You could even glide down.”

And so they all embarked upon the return trip by hoof, except Rainbow Dash who made the trip by wing.

“Look at them, having to walk,” Rainbow said, lying on the grass by the intersection, her hooves supporting her head. “Not really, I can’t even see them from here.”

It got less funny as she got bored, then more funny as she thought about not having to walk again, then less funny as she got hungry, then more funny as she thought about not having to risk her life even after completing her mission, then less funny as she thought about up to two of her friends possibly dying. It was beginning to get dark when they made it down.

“Okay, I don’t mahnd that she didn’t come with us,” Applejack said, “But sleepin’ is just disrespectful.” She pushed her gently. “Hey, Rainbow Dash....”

“Don’t bother with the gradual escalation,” Twilight said, “I’m pissed that she didn’t have to come down with us.”

She slapped her in the face a few times. “Hey, Rainbow Dash.”

“I said don’t bother—”

“Again with the dictatorship,” Pinkie said. “We need to—”

She kicked her in the ribs. “WAKE UP!”

“Hm...? Oh, you’re here.” She slowly stood up, one leg at a time. “I’m reeey to go.”

Everyone was taken back to Fluttershy’s front garden.

“Well, I had a good time,” Rainbow said.

“We already discussed everything without ya,” Applejack said. “Now we’re all tired and we wanna go home.”

“Oh. Will anypony let me in tonight?”

“You can stay with me on one condition,” Pinkie said.

“Yeah?”

“I want you to at least put a little emotion into it.”

“What?”

“I’m not saying I want you to act like we’re married, I don’t want that, but if you could at least cuddle a bit instead of basically using me as a toy, that’d be nice.”

“Er... okay.”

“I mean, if that’s not your thing tonight, that’s fine, just don’t come to me.”

“I can’t find an alternate way to interpret that that makes it make sense.”

“I want you to listen to me talk instead of immediately falling asleep on the floor.”

“I can do that.”

“Okay.”

Chapter 10: The Number of Comments I Require

It was a partly cloudy, schizophrenically-lighted afternoon at Arboreal Park. Over to the left, you’ll see some trees, and over here to the right of the half gravel, 40% sand, 10% you don’t want to know road is some grass. Pinkie Pie was talking to Rarity for reasons that were never elaborated upon, again.

“Well, it’s gonna be the tenth episode of the show’s new run,” Pinkie said as if Rarity didn’t know. “You know what that calls for?”

“A celebration?”

“Nah, too fancy. I was thinking...” Pinkie stretched it out as if there was some suspense to what she was going to say, “A party!”

The footage cut to a party in Sugarcube Corner involving a number of extras and minor characters in short dance loops. Twilight was wearing a paper crown party hat and sitting at a table, savouring each bite of her muffin-size cupcake for just a little too long to not look weird, when Rainbow Dash literally flew into her.

“Is that what I think it is?” Rainbow Dash said.

“You shouldn’t be flying here,” said Twilight, half-dead.

“zomg blue partyhat!!1!1!” Rainbow exclaimed.

“You hit me for that?” Twilight queried in pain.

Rainbow snatched the party hat from her head and escaped across the floor. As if on cue, Rarity walked up to Twilight a couple seconds afterwards.

“Was that a partyhat?” Rarity said. “A blue one?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“That shall be my partyhat, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity said just barely angrily enough to merit an exclamation mark before ploughing through several extras to reach her. On cue, Applejack walked up to Twilight.

“Do you know what Rainbow and Rarity’s obsessions with party hats are all about?” Twilight said, still on the floor. “First Rainbow tackled me to steal mine, then Rarity went after her....”

“Rainbow has a partyhat? Where is she?”

“Just over there....” Twilight said, pointing in Rainbow’s direction.

“That’s gonna be mah fuckin’ partyhat, Rainbow!” Applejack said, also before ploughing through an extra as she ran across the floor to fight her. Twilight sighed and walked over to Pinkie Pie, who was at a table talking to one of her friends, which narrows it down to everyone in Ponyville.

“Hey, Pinkie Pie.” This was an attention-getting hey, not a greeting hey.

Pinkie looked over to Twilight. “Yeah?”

“Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity are going crazy over this party hat, do you know—”

“One of those paper crown ones?”

“Yeah! Do you know why—”

Pinkie charged across the room, leaving just one more mane six for Twilight to interact with.

“Fluttershy?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

“Do you know why all our friends are going crazy over a party hat?”

“Is it one of those paper crown ones?”

“...Yyyeees....”

Fluttershy looked downward for a moment. “I don’t know.”

After she said this, the silence made the viewers much more aware of the music that had been playing the entire scene.

In a corner of Sugarcube Corner, Rarity was already knocked out on account of some vaguely unsportsmanlike collusion from Rainbow and Applejack before Pinkie Pie even arrived.

“Ponies?” Pinkie said.

Nothing changed.

“Ponies!”

Nothing changed.

“Twilight can do stuff, I’ll get her.”

She looked around for Twilight and found her in the adjacent but not closest corner (see fig. 1).

A-----B

|         |

C-----D

Fig. 1: If Pinkie Pie is at A, Twilight (and Fluttershy) are at B.

Seeing her there didn’t mean she actually decided to go there, but she did.

“Hey, Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said. “Can you get Fluttershy to say something? It’s her turn to talk and she won’t say anything.”

“I need you at corner A.”

“What?”

“The one where that fight’s going on.”

“Am I supposed to stop it?”

“Yes.”

“All right.”

Pinkie went off.

“Is something wrong, Fluttershy?” Twilight said. “Usually you at least answer questions.”

“I’m fine.”

She went to the fight scene. Neither of the lying-on-the-floor, holding-and-punching-each-other participants were wearing the crown, it instead being safely stashed on Rarity. So they assumed, because Twilight took it and tore it in two. After a couple seconds of deciding the best way to get their attention, she kicked Applejack in the eye. They both paused and looked at Twilight.

“A new challenger appears?” Rainbow said. “Also, why’s the partyhat in two pieces?”

“I’m still holding it? Oh, I’m still holding it. Yeah, I tore it in two.”

Applejack and Rainbow “Dash” Dash stood up.

“Why would you do that?” Applejack said.

“So you would stop fighting.”

“We’re not hurt,” Rainbow said.

“It was going to happen. I mean, look at Rarity.”

Looking at Rarity, she could’ve used a new mandible.

“We should probably take her to Zecora,” Twilight said.

“You’ve been there before,” Rainbow said, “Can’t you teleport her there?”

“That wouldn’t be as dramatic. And there are a lot of trees.”

Pinkie Pie was talking to a background pony—foreground, strictly speaking—when Twilight interrupted their conversation.

“Pinkie Pie?”

“What?”

“We need you to come to Zecora with us.”

“Why?”

“One of us goes or we all do it together. That’s the rule.”

“I’ll go if you can get Fluttershy to agree first.”

“Okay.”

The other two staying behind, Twilight went to Fluttershy alone.

“Fluttershy.”

“What is it?”

“You’re going to Zecora with me and the rest of the group.”

“Do you need—”

“Yes.”

“It just—”

“Come on.”

With everyone in one place, there was one thing left.

“Applejack, you’re carrying Rarity first,” Twilight said. “We’ll take shifts.”

“Whah me?”

“You’re the one responsible for all this.”

“Rainbow—”

“Well, it has to be one of you, and I’ve chosen you. Get over it.”

“Okay, but how—”

“I bet you wouldn’t be wondering if you weren’t chosen. It doesn’t matter anyway, so and get her.”

The group set off for the first method of healing that popped into someone’s head, leaving the party in anarchy. They then, and I am not kidding, came across some poison joke. I mean, there’s fanfiction and there’s uncreativity.

“Okay,” Rainbow said. “If we carry everypony across—”

“But...” Fluttershy interrupted. Wait, Fluttershy interrupted? Holy fuck, this is serious!

“What?”

“If we take Twilight or Rarity first, then Pinkie Pie will eat Applejack.”

“Why’d Pinkie wanna eat me?”

“Because you’d taste like apples!”

“Pinkie,” Twilight said, “Pie?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t eat Applejack.”

“Fine....”

They then made it to Zecora without any incidents of note (well, besides that one, but ewww) and barged in.

“Rarity’s broken,” Twilight said. “Can you fix her?”

“You could knock,” Zecora said.

“Can you fix her?”

“Yes.”

One suspense-filled injection of biotriabenzoylcetylmethyloxine later, Rarity was not magically okay.

“Why isn’t she alive yet?” Rainbow said.

“It’s been two seconds,” Zecora said, “Wait a minute.”

One minute later, Rainbow complained again. “She isn’t alive yet.”

“It’s an expression,” the zebra-striped zebra responded.

Two minutes later, Rarity woke up. “Bgkszx,” she said without any near-close near-back vowels or schwas. Hilarious, right?

“Can you stand up?” Zecora said.

Rarity stood up. “What am I—”

“Good. Now all of you go home.”

“Thanks for healing me,” Rarity said out of nowhere exactly as Twilight crossed the city limits of Ponyville. “And who got the partyhat, anyway?”

“I tore it in two so they would stop fighting.”

“You did?” Rarity said in a shocked tone, similar to the time she accidentally walked into an electric fence.

“Yeah. It was the only way—”

Rarity tried to strangle Twilight with a leg, but Applejack intervened as if she was somehow going to succeed.

“Did you seriously just try to kill me over a piece of paper you couldn’t do anything about?”

“Well....”

“You tried to take my life, and for what? What were you going to gain out of it? Revenge? For a piece of fucking paper that makes you feel fun? Clearly you really are the materialistic little b—”

“Calm down, Twilight,” Applejack said.

“But she—she tried to kill me! I would be dead if she got her way, if none of you ponies were here! I mean, wrap your mind around that for a second. Twilight Sparkle, dead. And what about the ele—”

“And what’re you gonna gain from this, Twilight? It’s been done, she ain’t gonna do it again.”

“She tried to—”

“I was never going to kill you,” Rarity said, “Just get you unconscious. Sheesharonis, dawg.”

“We’ve given up acting foal-friendly to each other, haven’t we?” Fluttershy said.

“I said ‘die’ a couple times,” Rarity said, “And they allowed that.”

“Shows a lot about today that you think somethin’ ah that,” Applejack said. “Ah mean, just a few years ago when Ah—”

“Hey, wait a second!” Rainbow said. “You know what we’ve been doing tonight?”

“What?” everyone said in unison.

“Caring about Rarity!”

“You know, you’re right,” Twilight said.

Everyone stopped talking, Rainbow flew away, Pinkie and Twilight went back to Sugarcube Corner, and the rest went home.

Chapter 11: Fluttershy Goes to Market

Purse around neck, Fluttershy stepped out of her house ready to go to Le Marquette, as her destination was called. She walked for about fifteen minutes through some light forest and came to a ravine, six or seven metres across and ten down, with a river flowing through. The inconvenience was the bridge being out, a metre-long piece of wood caught on a couple rocks in the river and a chunk of dirt missing on either end the only things to suggest one had ever been there. She never liked to use that third of her limbs, but that particular occasion was more annoying than fearsome.

It didn’t take long before the next unusual thing, a light grey earth stallion jumping from the trees to tackle her. He had a strangely friendly and welcoming look, as if he was going to have a weird accent and explain that this was how ponies were greeted where he was from.

“Hello,” Fluttershy said, the H subject to a few quick stammers.

“Would you like a kiss?”

“No. I—”

Regardless, he put his hooves behind her head and tongue-kissed her. She shook her head, squirmed around, and tried to push him back, but nothing worked. This went on for about fifteen seconds, although it felt slightly longer to her, then he broke the kiss and got up.

“Wha... what do you—”

He hit her in the cheek. It was harder than what would be called a slap and noticeably weaker than a punch. “You know what, bitch?”

“Don’t hurt me....”

“You just got Sexually Assaulted!”

A couple well-hidden cameraponies made themselves apparent to her, and suddenly she thought she recognised him. She had seen that dark grey mane and wrestling cutie mark somewhere, but she was more focussed on not crying than searching her memory. Her tremoring and speechless state wasn’t what the show wanted, so he backed away and tried to comfort her. “It’s okay. You can get up.”

She took a couple deep breaths before she got up. “I feel like I recognise you from something.”

“It’s more than likely this show. You seem like you’re overcome with disbelief at somepony finally kissing you, am I right?”

“I thought you were going... you were going to rape me....”

“Do I get that a lot! Anyway, you aren’t turning happy about this, so I’m sorry, but we can’t put you on the show.”

“I... will you let me go now?”

“Yeah, you can go.”

Sprinting was another thing she didn’t do very often.

Still visibly somewhat sad, Fluttershy came up to a shoulder-high pink ribbon between two trees. There was a driveway on the right joining the main path a few metres beyond it, which marked the second of two houses before she made it to Thatchguard where Le Marquette was. Two other ponies were also behind the ribbon, and she slotted in on the right.

“What’s going on?” she asked the adjacent pony.

“There’s a shootout going on, maybe you can make out the policeponies through the trees.”

“Now that I look, I can see.”

“There was gunfire about a minute ago and one of the police fell dead or unconscious, but now they’re waiting for the pony in the house to be in front of a window again.”

“Do you know why—”

“No, they were like this when I got here.”

The audience had to wait a few minutes before the next bit of excitement.

“Alpha-two,” one of the three policeponies still in the fight said.

“Alpha-four,” another said.

“Charcoal,” said the first.

The second charged towards the door and jumped at it hooves-first, crashing through it. The other two followed him in, and a few seconds later there were several gunfire sounds, the actual fight out of view. After a minute of silence, the two policeponies who didn’t break the door came back out, and one of them went up to the end of the driveway.

“You can go across now.”

Everyone went across, and luckily for Fluttershy, she dropped behind the other two and didn’t have to talk to them.

Finally, she emerged from the forest and made it to Thatchguard. It wasn’t much, just a village of a hundred houses or so at an intersection, but it had a small pet supply store which Fluttershy frequented. She made her way there, and as she came through the door, realised she hadn’t brought a way of carrying anything. It probably wouldn’t matter; all she wanted was a bag of birdseed which would be far too heavy for her mouth, but probably fine for her back. She looked where it normally was, but the brand wasn’t there in any size. She looked up and down the entire aisle, and as she came back to the end near the front of the store, the cashier spoke.

“Are you looking for something?”

“Falkenrath Diet.”

“We’re all out of that.”

“Oh....” It would feel weird to just leave the store. “That’s all I was looking for.”

“Sorry....”

She decided she would look around for a backup to get. Then after deciding to do it, she did it. She quickly found a bag of X-Seed 4000 the same size as the one she planned to get, the brand she always got before trying Falkenrath Diet. She tried to pick it up, but fell over and dropped it on the floor. “I’ll get it,” the cashier said. She levitated it to the desk as Fluttershy got back up. “This’ll be fourteen bits.” After a few tries, Fluttershy got the money out.

“Do you want a bag?”

“Just put it on my back.”

As Fluttershy passed by the house not involved with law enforcement that day, which unlike the other had a front lawn right by the road and generally looked like a normal house in a suburban neighbourhood apart from being alone in the forest, there was something there that wasn’t before: a pony sitting by the road with a platter of chocolate cookies. “Free sample?” he said. The noise made her look briefly, but she continued on without responding to him.

She came to the river. Crossing it was simple enough, as she held the bag to her chest, but then she had to get it on her back again. After taking a minute to formulate a plan, she decided to lie on her chest and lift the three-kilogram bag over her head onto her back. She got it mostly on her back, but also on top of her head and neck, and it slid off when she tried to stand up. She tried it two more times and the same thing happened. Flying so close to trees or higher than trees was out of the question for her, and so she stood there looking defeated at the bag of pet food until someone else came along. This took the better part of an hour.

“Fluttershy?!” the red unicorn said. She teleported across the river. “Holy crap, I can’t believe it! You’ve always been my favourite on the show. Hey, are... you okay? Sorry if you didn’t want me to bother you, I know this probably happens all the time, and ponies make an apology like that all the time, and ponies mention how they’re making an apology all the time, and... well, anyway, I love you. Not like that, though.”

“Could you get this on my back?”

“I’ll carry it for you,” said the unicorn whose mane and eyes were also red, matching her half-visible cutie mark depicting a flame. “Sorry, I’m not usually like this, I swear, but I can’t believe I’m actually seeing you.”

They went back to Fluttershy’s house together, the less notable mare rapidly spouting some generic words about how much she loved her that could easily be referring to anyone her side of Pinkie Pie in terms of extroversion.

“So... I guess this is it....” She put the bag on Fluttershy’s back.

“I enjoyed... listening to you.”

“You really mean it?”

“Well... it didn’t make me feel worse.”

“I wasn’t annoying? Because the last thing I remember about the other famous pony I met was when he pushed me to the ground.”

“You didn’t annoy me.”

“That’s really good to hear. So... goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

She dropped the bird food and approached one of the parrots. “They didn’t have Falkenrath, so we’re going back to X-Seed for a bit.”

“Chiiiiirp.”

“I know, but it’s the best they had.”

She spent her night reading the rest of an okay book she was told had a great ending that made everything amazing in retrospect, only to find that it didn’t.

Chapter 13: Somebody Makes a Love Confession

Rainbow Dash was over at Twilight’s, as there was no good way of adding clouds to the sky. Twilight was reading a newspaper aloud, as she had done yesterday with the assembly manual for a chair, to make a point about the meaning of reading.

“‘Cloudsdale stallion Bob killed under mysterious circumstances’... hey, Rainbow, come check this out.”

Rainbow came over and read the line, muttering it to herself as she read it. “Nope, I don’t know a thing about that.”

“Are you sure? Because I remember—”

“No. Why would I know anything about that?”

“Okay, if you say so....”

They stood in silence for a moment. All the books were sorted, everything was clean, Twilight didn’t have any studying to catch up on.

“You know, I think we should treat Rarity better,” Twilight said.

“Really? I think we treat her just fine.”

“No, we don’t. We don’t even notice her most of the time.”

“Well, she never really does anything either. She just stands around in the world and doesn’t contribute.”

“Still, we should treat her like everypony else. I mean, we all love each other equally and all that, so....”

“Weeelllll...”

“What? You mean you actually like Rarity a lot less? Because it just seems random to me. If you actually like her a lot less, then that’s fine, it’s just if you don’t, then why are we....”

“No, no, not that, it’s... it’s about...”

“Yeah? Come on, you can say it.”

“Well, I’ve always... I guess I can tell you this, since... you’ll keep it a secret, right? And you’ll believe me?”

“Yeah, I can keep secrets. There was that one episode about it.”

“Well... I... no, never mind.”

“Come on, Rainbow. If you’re using that many ellipses, it must be important.”

“I love Applejack.”

“So? We all love her. She’s one of our best friends, and—”

“No, like... in a romantic way.”

“I... you... really?”

“Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“...Sssiiince I met her, preeetty much....”

“But why didn’t you ever tell her?”

“Well, I didn’t wanna, ‘cause... what if she said no? Then there would be this... bad feeling between us forever.”

“Well, you have to tell her sometime. Especially if your worst case scenario is just some vague ‘bad feeling’.”

“I know, but... when? When is the right time to tell her? Will she say something?”

“Well, clearly, after all this time, she won’t. You’ll just have to go and tell her.”

“I just... I don’t wanna. We’re gonna be awkward around each other forever.”

“If you don’t try, you’ll never know.”

“I can clearly live with that. So what if I don’t try?”

“Well, also, the plot will come to a grinding halt.”

“What plot?”

“The... shit, you’re right. Yeah, you need to do this.”

Applejack was waiting by the front entrance to Sweet Apple Acres when a certain cyan pony she knew came up to her.

“Hi, Rob! Here’s your cube.”

Rob took the tesseract she was holding out and disappeared to the fourth dimension. Two seconds later, Rainbow Dash came up to talk.

“‘Ey, Rainbo’! Whatchy’ bein’ her’ f’?”

“Well....” Rainbow dusted the ground with a hoof. “I kinda....”

“Yeah? What is it?”

Rainbow closed her eyes tightly, which looked a little weird from the outside. But this was the time she finally had to do it. For the sake of the show, if nothing else. It was March and there was no way she was waiting until the next Valentine’s Day. And then she opened her eyes again.

“I love you, Applejack.”

“Well, ah course you do, you’re mah best friend. Well, along with—”

“No, I mean like... in a romantic way.”

“Yeah, real funny, Rainbow. Actually, that was a pretty shit joke. Now what’d you really come over here for?”

“No, really. I’m in love with you, AJ. Since the fourth time we met, I’ve liked you way more than any other pony I’ve known.”

“What.” Applejack’s jaw dropped. No, not that far. Yeah, about there.

“Look, I’ve felt this way for a long time and I had to tell you, so... I’m sorry. If you can never think of me the same way again, then... well... I’m sorry, okay? It’s just that it’s March and I was too scared on Valentine’s Day and I’m not gonna wait to reveal it anymore.” Rainbow started to turn around to depressedly walk away, but Applejack turned her head back and sexually assaulted her into a brief kiss.

“But...” Rainbow said.

“Ah’ve been waitin’ for you to say that forever. Ah just never had the courage either.”

“You... you do....”

“Yeah, Rainbow. Ah do love you. Ah just feel so bad for hahdin’ it....”

“Hey, I did the same thing. I’m just glad we found out now and not when we were a lot older....”

“Heh. Yeah.”

There was a few seconds of silence.

“I wanna fuck you,” Applejack said. “Like, right now.”

“Same here.”

Chapter 14: This Damn Youth Policy

In Sweetie Belle’s room, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting around the board for a trivia board game. On her fourth try, Apple Bloom picked up the dice and rolled them.

“Another ten?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Fuck you,” Scootaloo said. Her parents had never been hard on her for swearing, having died before she could talk very well.

“Not mah fault.” She put a white plastic token in the centre of the board. “Gimme a red question.”

Sweetie Belle drew a card. “Who won the 2008 Pferdlander Air Crown?”

“Er. Lightnin’brand?”

“No. Scootaloo?”

“Peregrine Velocitywings.”

“That’s right. Go for the triple?”

“Nope.” Scootaloo took the token and the dice.

“You got your subject,” Apple Bloom said, “Don’ look smug.”

“You’ve been looking pretty smug behind your thirty-six chips and three green discs.”

“Yeah, but that’s a good reason.”

Someone knocked the door, presumably Rarity.

“It’s unlocked,” Sweetie Belle said.

Rarity opened the door, levitating a bowl of roseberries, which looked like cranberries but tasted like being force-fed sugar with the occasional drop of fruit juice, the source of many “salt for sugar”-type jokes in Equestria’s area of the continent. “I finished cleaning the roseberries.”

“Put ‘em here,” Apple Bloom said, tapping a spot on the floor between her and Scootaloo. Rarity set the bowl down. “Is that all you want?”

“Yeah,” they all said in unison.

“All right.” She closed the door and left.

“Let’s do this,” Scootaloo said. She rolled a seven and put a token in. “Let’s go for orange.”

Apple Bloom picked up a card. “What was the last country to criminalahse unlahcensed soapbox races down public roads?”

“That sounds like something Mackia would forget to do.”

“Nope. Sweetie Belle?”

“I don’t know.”

“Lower Mbelo.”

The token stayed on the board and Scootaloo passed the dice to Sweetie Belle. She put a token on the board and rolled six. “Green.”

“Uh uzhin’ a cube,” Apple Bloom said through a few roseberries. She put a blue wooden cube the size of a die into the game’s box.

Sweetie Belle stamped on the floor. “That’s bullshit. You just want to fuck me over.”

“Ah’m good at green.”

“You’re not that good. You’d get more tokens on average by not using it.”

“Yeah, but whah take a risk when Ah’m this far ahead? And there’s no use keepin’ it to the end anyway.”

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. “The one time I finally do okay at this game, you have to be a dick to me....”

Scootaloo picked up a card. “How many legs does an Equestrian micropede—”

“622,” Apple Bloom said.

“Yep.”

Sweetie Belle crossed her forelegs. “I knew that one too.”

“Do the triple?”

“Ah ain’t a micropede expert.” She took the two tokens on the board and took another from the box. “Mah turn, Sweetie.”

Fifteen turns later, Apple Bloom had an unassailable lead with her forty-five chips and two golden crosses, thereby winning. As the unicorn, Sweetie Belle was tasked with cleaning the game up.

“And now Apple Bloom’s cross,” Sweetie Belle said, “And the one she stole from me when Scootaloo clearly would’ve been a strategically better decision....”

“The northern board was in sky mode,” Scootaloo said.

“So?”

“We know how you play in sky mode.”

“Exactly. I got punished for having a smart reputation.”

“You mean the opposite,” Apple Bloom said. “It’s the raht decision for you to play risky when you’re such an idiot you just have to hope you get a good run ah questions instead ah, y’know, knowin’ stuff and not relahin’ on skah boosts.”

“You go for sky boosts often enough.”

“Yeah, Ah do ‘em with mah good subjects lahke a normal pony ‘stead ah doin’ it every turn ‘cause one ah these days you’ll win.”

“So you agree with me that I do better strategies than Scootaloo.”

“‘Cause she has prahde. When Scootaloo wins, it’s ‘cause she knows more questions than me, not some desperate risky strategy. She don’t even wanna win off a few skah boosts at the end.”

“I may get more out of winning certain ways,” Scootaloo said, “But if I’m four chips behind on the final turn, I’m not not going to sky boost because it’s ‘cheap’.”

There were now two roseberries left in the bowl.

“Er...” Sweetie Belle said. “I wanna take a berry, but....”

“But the game’s over?” Apple Bloom said.

“No, literally.”

The other two looked in the bowl.

“Well, Ah’m not even hungry,” Apple Bloom said.

“Oh,” Scootaloo said. “I was secretly hoping something dramatic would happen.”

“Nahce ‘secret’.”

“Okay, the game’s packed up,” Sweetie Belle said. “What do we do now?”

No answer was quickly reached, making the de facto answer “just talk”. And so the rest of the night went without anything unusual or memorable, although the opinions Sweetie Belle expressed were somewhat more cynical than usual.

Chapter 16: When I Think Of Powers of Two I Think Of Video Games

The alarm clock, running on batteries, ticked over to 07:00, marking one hour before the store opened and seventeen hours since Pinkie Pie had pitched her tent as one of many hoping to get one of that particular location’s twelve Diamond Editions of Electronic Amusement 3. Would the travel to Battleknife all be for naught? Would she successfully stash a copy in the bags she was wearing, only for it to be wrestled away? Would she see a disk through someone’s window months afterward, find out they had a kid who was alone on weekdays from eight to five, and do the obvious thing, as had happened with another game not one month ago? Of course not; she would just steal it when she was walking him to flying lessons rather than do something needlessly complex like that. Getting the game a few days earlier wasn’t worth the risk of being caught.

She could never live the tent life forever without getting depressed, but for one day, granola bars, water, a couple books, and a confined space wasn’t so bad. Basically, being in prison for a day was worth it. Urinating in strange places? Worth it. She would do this for one day, with a possible payoff of having a Diamond Edition forever. “Just get it later on eCove,” Twilight once said. She may have understood far more things than Pinkie Pie, but this wasn’t one of them.

She had a pretty good place in the “line”, which was the term used for the irregular swarm of tents surrounding the game store as well as the adjacent supermarket and clothing shop, with just two tents occupying the straight line from her own tent to the front doors. She had her credit card if by some miracle she needed it; the brawl didn’t end once you got outside the store, and some strategies involved not going in at all, but actually getting the box from the shelf was a good way to increase your chances of eventually ending up with it. Whilst it was likely your box would be stolen if you had one early on, being one of the few lucky aspiring thieves who steal a box was far harder than keeping one.

She recalled that trio of statistics so many had waved at her. One in twenty-two end up in hospital, one in ninety-six die, and one in eight hundred who tent for special editions get what they desire. The only one of her close friends who didn’t implore her to not do this was Rainbow Dash, because race flying was obviously quite dangerous. She may not have been a tenter, but she understood.

T-minus thirty minutes. With the books and the spare bars and water in her bags, alarm clock forgotten until now and probably stolen, Pinkie and many others were sat in front of the two sets of double doors, waiting for them to be unlocked. Certain locations had it computerised, but this particular one didn’t, still using a physical key. Unlocking the doors on days like this was an extremely dangerous but well-paid job, only ever taken by those with severe depression, and only once in their life unless they completely blew the money.

07:50, as the clock visible to her through the doors said. It was typical for two or three of the first-timers to chicken out and leave from now to the opening, but Pinkie Pie was definitely not going to be one of them, because this was her second time. The first time, she went all the way to Wooch to lose a molar and gain six packets of marathon runner energy gels. Overall, not a successful outing. But this time had to be different, because finding exactly six packets of energy gel again would be really weird.

The analogue clock indicated one minute before opening time. A 25 km/h wind had picked up out of pretty much nowhere, waving branches, moving litter, and most importantly, getting dust in some ponies’ eyes. Though if a bit of dirt was all that got in her eyes, that would be a marked improvement over the pepper spray of the earlier attempt.

The slowest minute of her life wasn’t slow enough for Pinkie to mentally prepare herself, and seeing the clock tick to eight, the unlocker turned around, took the keyring, and unlocked the outer doors. The stampede began, and Pinkie’s hopes of being one of the initial possessors ended early when she was crowded out of the main beeline into a shelf full of games which weren’t Electronic Amusement 3.

The setup of the store was quite simple: on either side, six shelves parallel to each other, each about three metres long and one and a half tall; a centre aisle separating them; aisles down the sides; and a shelf with all that she cared about on the back wall. The paths through the store were meant to be two ponies wide, but three could barely fit, and suffice to say she wasn’t the only one crowded into a side aisle.

The force of more ponies being pushed out forced Pinkie to walk further down the aisle herself or else be pushed in some less predictable way that may well break an important bone. She was in the same sectioned-off rectangle as the checkout, and the cashier, behind acrylic glass in mini-mart fashion, tried not to freak out about seeing Pinkie Pie. Did no one else really notice? Were they just too focussed? But the cashier knew that wasn’t the number one thing she had to be worried about at that moment.

Because of the checkout jutting out, the corners in the front had more space than the rest of the store, which was more space for Pinkie to use to hopefully not get crushed. Just as she tucked herself into a ball in the very corner and hoped there was an afterlife, the force seemed to stop. Ponies finally recognised there was too much space, and were now waiting outside to strike or trying to get out.

Slowly most of them including Pinkie funnelled out. Most of the ones not funnelling out were either unconscious from knocks to the head or not being able to breathe, but there were two deaths, one each from a broken neck and punctured lung. The lack of deaths from asphyxia would make this one slightly notable in tenting history, but that was the least of anyone’s current concerns.

Pinkie had long since lost track of anyone with a box and was now just happy to be uninjured. Still, she thought as she rather leisurely walked down the road back to Ponyville as others ran after others who were probably running after someone running after a box-holder, it wasn’t very good to come all this way just for such a short experience where nothing happened at all. The last time she did it, it was a supermarket, and she spent hours in there, occasionally having to fend off an attacker. She only ended up with something that wasn’t even being sold, but it was much more of an experience. How would she get this lingering thirst for violence out?

It was an hour past noon. Pinkie Pie was now well clear of the madness, on a lonely rural road with soybeans either side. Not walking at the moment, but sitting and eating one of her spare granola bars. Another pony with bags approached her.

“Oh crap,” Pinkie said. “Look, I don’t have anything.”

The periwinkle mare tried to laugh, but only smiled. “I don’t have anything either. Just a little box of cereal like you’d find in a hotel. My knife got stolen.” Her forelegs looked like they had been slashed a few times, but for an apparent tenter that was fairly light.

“Yeah, I didn’t lose anything, but I didn’t get anything either. Other than losing a good weekend getting all the way there, waiting, and going back.”

“I know, right? Nothing fucking happened in there.”

“I didn’t get to do anything. I still wanna break a leg or two.”

“Yeah, me too. Well, I’m gonna keep walking.”

“You do that.”

It was beginning to get dark enough to be an actual problem as the first building of Ponyville came over the horizon, which the pink Equestrian baker was very pleased to see. Just a few kilometres to go, which considering she was walking and it was getting dark may have been just a bit too long. But she made it to Sugarcube Corner without incident, closed the door to her flat and sighed without incident, and pulled a muscle as she stretched out in bed.

Chapter 18: Again?

“Um, Fluttershy,” Rainbow Dash said, “Where did you get that metal bar?”

A swift blow from Fluttershy with the metal bar in the conservatory answered that question.

Rainbow woke up in Fluttershy’s basement in a familiar situation.

“Ugh, again? You know—” Rainbow was cut off by the only other pony in the room, Fluttershy.

“Oh, no, Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie doesn’t know about this.”

“Then I’m confused. Who—”

“I planned this, Rainbow Dash.” She had used an individual’s full name twice in a row, a reliable sign of insanity. “This is real.”

“But... but Fluttershy. You’re Fluttershy.”

“See, I love you, Rainbow Dash. But you don’t love me.”

“What? Of course I do—”

“No, I mean in a romantic way.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, I mean—”

“Don’t talk, Rainbow Dash. Like I said, give it a chance.” She walked up to a confused, terrified Rainbow and calmly started to eat into her delicious, moist, intoxicating cake. There was nothing Rainbow could do, only feel in horror and possibly say “why” a few times or scream a bit. But before things got too repetitive, Twilight teleported into the room. She threw Fluttershy into the wall with magic, knocking her out, and magicked the ropes broken.

“Rainbow Dash! Oh Faust, I was too late! I’m so sorry, Rainbow, I—”

She got up. “It’s okay, it’s not your fault. Besides, I’m not too traumatised, I guess. It’s just... Fluttershy isn’t like that. At least, I thought she—hey, that doesn’t look quite right....”

Rainbow pulled Fluttershy’s head, which was actually a mask.

“Old man Jenkins?!” Rainbow and Twilight said.

“And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling foal!” He pointed to Twilight.

Twilight and Rainbow both laughed as the episode ended.

Chapter 19: Cribbage Duel

Twilight was lying in the upper bunk of her bunkbed, groggily reading a book about lightning spells, as she planned to turn into an insane murderer who no one could lock up in case the world needed fairly quick saving again. Rainbow Dash was on the lower bunk, wide awake reading nothing.

“Twilight?”

“If you’re so bored, then go away.”

“Hey, what’s your problem?”

“I want to read. If you’re lonely, go somewhere else.”

“You could’ve told me that before.”

“You’ve been here about a minute.”

“That’s plenty of time for a single sentence.”

“You know why we’re friends? Because I was ordered to make friends with somepony. I’m really not that big on small talk.”

“Just a couple days ago—”

“Yeah. I feel like reading right now. How would you like to have a good chat with a friend for a hour or so instead of flying?”

Rainbow flew up a bit so that they could look at each other, but Twilight preferred to look at the book. “Hey.”

“I’m listening.”

“Well, since you clearly want me to leave, I’ll leave.”

“You can stay, I don’t care.”

“Exactly, you don’t care. Goodbye.”

“Bye.”

The next day, they were together in the same room for the cribbage game.

“You’re going all the way down to Gehenna,” Rainbow said.

“You’re going all the way up and hitting your head on the firmament.”

“The what?”

Twilight rolled her eyes and set the shuffled cards down. “Who’s dealing first?”

“We’ll decide with a game of rock-paper.”

“All right.”

“Rock, paper, shoot!” they both said. They both picked paper.

“Rock-paper is a stupid game,” Rainbow said.

“We’ll need to use some other method.”

“Well, yeah.”

“A race into the sky. We’ll go outside, pick something, and whoever gets to it first wins.”

“Okay... I accept.”

They went outside.

“How’s that cloud look?” Rainbow said.

“White, puffy... it doesn’t look like a bunny or—”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. How’ll we start?”

“On go. One, go.”

Rainbow flew to the cloud about three kilometres up, where she found Twilight.

“Did you forget that unicorns could teleport?” Twilight said.

“No, but that’s a long way, isn’t it?”

“When it’s up.”

“It is up.”

“I know. My point is that I can do anything because I’m Twilight.”

“Fine. I’m going back down.”

“I can just—”

“No. I’m doing it myself.”

And so Twilight teleported back down and waited for the pegasus.

“Hi, Fluttershy,” Twilight said. “You have the tomatoes, right?”

Fluttershy took a bag of tomatoes out of a bag she was wearing and gave it to Twilight.

“Cool.”

Fluttershy tried to walk off into the sunset, but the horizon seemed to move as quickly as she did. Right after she left, Rainbow Dash arrived.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight said. “You look... embarrassed, I guess.”

“Shut up.”

They then played a cribbage game, but who would show something like that?

Chapter 20: Party 2

“The episode number is a multiple of ten again!” Pinkie said. “You know what this calls for?”

“A ban on the importation of party hats?” Twilight said.

“Noooo...” Pinkie dragged out the sound for suspense, even though it was obvious what she was going to say. “A party!”

After a montage which attempted to make placing balloons look like hard work, Sugarcube Corner was ready to go for another publicity party, even though everyone who went there last time was a local who had already made their mind up about the place.

As they were both approaching the table that had Rainbow Dash, Twilight and Fluttershy ran into each other.

“I need to speak with Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said. “You’re Fluttershy and this is a conflict, so give up and let me win.”

“No.”

“Look, do you want to be a doormat or not?”

“For Rainbow, maybe. Not you.”

As they argued, Applejack slipped past both of them.

“You doin’ all raht, Rainbow?” She took a seat.

“It’s just... I don’t know... this feels like every other Pinkie party. I’ve seen it all before.”

“Yeah, Ah do kinda know what you mean. Honestly, Ah don’t even wanna be here, Ah just felt lahke Ah had to come.”

“Yeah. But there’s nothing for me to do anywhere else, so I don’t really have a reason to leave.”

“No excuse here either. ‘Specially not one you could fit into.”

“Are you saying I’m mentally fat?”

“Well, look at the kahnda shit you know.”

“I know about sports. That’s the opposite of fat.”

“Yeah, and... that’s pretty much it.”

“If I’m such a moron, why are we even—friends?”

“Well, Ah guess this is over before it got off the ground.”

“I guess it is.”

They crossed their legs at each other.

“Please take me back,” Rainbow said.

“Ah can’t live without you.”

“I’m going to the sweet breakfast table.”

“Ah’m comin’.”

Doughnuts, muffins, churros, pancakes and syrup for those who dared, and on the less lethal side jam-filled croissants and plain fruit were what was left on that table, a tribute to those who responsibly chose to eat breakfast only to stuff themselves with sugar. “It’s a good idea for a category,” Cup Cake had said to Pinkie Pie, “But is that really the reason?” It was. Rainbow took one of the croissants and ate half of it in one bite.

“How is it?” Applejack said. “Ah haven’t trahed ‘em.”

“It has this mint stuff in it. Pinkie Pie said they were all raspberry.”

“What are you gonna do, beat her up?”

“Maybe I will.”

“Come in,” Pinkie said.

Rainbow opened the door to her living room, and living place in general. “You said all of the croissants were raspberry.”

“It was a prank,” she said, not considering the conversation serious enough to get up from lying on a couch. “Did you like it?”

Rainbow walked up to her and punched her in the jaw.

“How many of those trick croissants are there?”

“Just the one.”

“If I hear about another, you don’t want to know what I’m going to do to you.”

“Well, I told the truth, so I’m not worried. Is that it?”

“That’s it.”

Applejack was taking a churro when she heard “Hi, AJ” from behind her. She turned around.

“Hey, Rainbow.”

“Hi. Did you try a crescent?”

“Nah, not yet.”

“Cool. Any—wait, did you say Rainbow?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m Twilight.”

“Sorry, Ah’m a bit tired.”

“It’s 3 PM.”

“Sorry, Ah’m a bit tired.”

“It’s 3 PM.”

Eventually, Rainbow showed up.

“Hey,” she said.

“It’s 3—huh?”

They both looked towards her.

“You’re back,” Applejack said as if someone needed to be informed.

“Yep. What number am I thinking of?”

“You ain’t thinkin’ ah anythin’.”

“Okay, how did you know it was zero?”

“‘Cause Ah can read ya lahke an open book.”

“Y’know, somethin’’s always bugged me about that expression.”

“Yeah?”

“What’s a book?”

“...Aaah... y’know, Ah dunno.”

“I mean, I’ve heard of bookmarks and e-books, but what’s the ‘book’ part about?”

“Yeah, Ah dunno.”

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said.

“Yeah?”

“You see me read books all the time. How do you—”

“Oh, that’s what a book is. Yeah, I’ve heard of those, I didn’t know that’s what they were called.”

“You’ve heard me call them ‘books’.”

“Well, sorry. There are too many things to know these days, you know?”

Twilight sighed.

“You can live however you want, don’t make fun of me because I don’t know what every single word in the English language means.”

“It’s book. And don’t hide your ignorance under moral statements everypony agrees with.”

“I hate you.”

“Good.”

Twilight walked away.

“So I have a secret I should tell you,” Rainbow said. “Since we have nothing to talk about.”

“Yeah?” She was still holding the churro.

“This is really gonna test our relationship.”

“Ah’m ready.”

“I’m saying this in a crowded place ‘cause otherwise you’d beat me up.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I like pears better than apples.”

“...What did you say?”

“Pear-type tastes are better than apple-type tastes.”

“Ah... yeah, we’re done.”

“Sorry.”

“Nah, we ain’t done. You gotta hear mah secret, then you’ll be done.”

“Bring it on.”

“Ah have sex with Big Mac all the tahme.”

“Ha-ha.”

“Really.”

“Really?”

“Do ya need to see before you believe it?”

“Well... basically, yeah.”

“‘Kay, Ah’m sure he wouldn’t mind you watchin’.”

“Yeah, I’ll believe this when I see it.”

Chapter 21: Tomato Slice of Life

Fibre Bearing didn’t get to come to Sugarcube Corner very often. It was one of those things where he’d do it if the route to something he was already doing came close, which always happened once every year. This was his first time since a week ago, since he was on the return trip.

“Isn’t it great?” Pinkie Pie said as he continued to stare at everything behind the counter.

“I don’t have any way to tell what ‘it’ is.”

“I finally got Rainbow Dash to admit that she had six stripes instead of a “rainbow” of colours like her name claims. I have her signature under it, you wanna see?”

“Why should I care?”

“Because it’s been five minutes and you still haven’t decided what cupcake you want.”

“How am I supposed to decide between lemon and citrón?”

“It’s pronounced sih-traw-en and it tastes like petrol.”

“Why would I eat something that tastes like that?”

“Have you ever had petrol?”

“Well, no, but—”

“Then try it out.”

“Fine, I will.”

The grey earth pony hooved over three bits and Pinkie gave him the muffin-size cupcake. He took a bite, and an initial state of shock quickly settled down into contentment.

“That’s the strangest thing I’ve ever tasted.”

“In a good way?”

“I’m not sure.”

A cobalt unicorn named Cobalt came into the building. He had only one sticker left before a free cupcake, a programme which was ending that day.

“Cobalt?” Bearing said. “I haven’t seen you since last year.”

“What a coincidence, I haven’t seen you since last year. What brings you here?”

“I was passing pretty close by, so I decided to come.”

Cobalt looked towards Pinkie. “Lethal injection of chocolate.” He looked back. “So how has your life been?”

“My wife left me and took the foals and most of what we owned, then I got it all back after she died mountain biking. Then overnight a couple months ago, Featherkvist—the older one, he’s fourteen—actually, his birthday was last week—disappeared along with most of his things, and I still don’t know what happened to him.”

Cobalt put four bits on the counter and took his cupcake. “That’s terrible.”

“Yeah. There haven’t been any signs of him dead or alive since... whatever happened, so I’ve pretty much lost hope. I’m still not able to think of him as gone, though.”

“Ag’d nemer dake that,” he said through much saliva-soaked chocolate, “Almays wonderin’.”

“Yeah. Even if he’s dead, I want to know, because right now I can’t move on.”

“Oh, I almost forgot something really important.” He put the loyalty card on the counter. “I’ll have a Cinnamon Assault when I’m done with this.”

“Well, I have to go, so—”

“Wait. First, I need that cupcake.”

Pinkie put the cupcake on the counter and he took it. Bearing then got a magic glow. “Cobalt?” he said. “Why are you—” Cobalt teleported them both away.

Pinkie looked at the card, which she hadn’t bothered to apply a last sticker to. “I can’t believe he did that, these cards are going to be collectors’ items someday.”

Chapter 22: The Already Out for a Year in Japan Adventures of Camerapony #3

Camerapony #3 was sleeping in her conjoined twin-size bed, under her black blanket which she chose for its colour’s maximal heat absorption. The walls were covered with wallpaper made with a black-and-white pattern of small triangles designed to induce headaches. There was a desk against the back wall along with the bed, on which was the eMachines® E19T6W HD-ready 19″ 1440x900 widescreen display with VGA analog input, because life is a widescreen wonder and your entertainment should be too. A couple bookcases and a wardrobe were the remaining features, but someday she planned to put some kind of flooring over the dirt she had at the moment.

Camerapony #3 rolled to her right, away from the wall.

“Camerapony #3?” transcriber #1 said softly from across the room, but too softly and she wasn’t heard. “That reminds me, I forgot to transcribe what she looks like.” Yes, she was so vain and desperate for some kind of glory that she actually put in a line of herself talking about her own transcription. Camerapony #3 was a cardinal earth mare with a jungle green mane, styled in a very generic way that was similar to Fluttershy, though her mane and tail had been gold before the accident in the factory.

“O Brownspear,” camerapony #3 said in a dining hall with one very long table, “I doþe believe þou shouldſt trade at ðe olde market to-daye.”

“Forsooþ! We art low onne breade et ðe meddisin for Johnald.”

“Kwite... doþe knoweþ of any travails fromme þine battels?”

“Verily. We haþ triumphed inne Ðe Olde Þornvil, a towne-shippe juſte Norþ of ðe olde border to ðe Kingdomme of Zhegavia.”

“Howe est ðe bidde for in-dependence bye Ligden?”

“Since ðe splitte of Zhegavakamia, ðe pugnation ovre custodye of Ligden haþ been fierce, and I doubt the victore shalt let it go easily.”

She woke up. “That was just starting to get good.” She also had a habit of talking to herself. After doing morning things in the bathroom, she opened the door to see a certain very beautiful transcriber sitting in front of her.

“Transcriber #1?” she said. “What are you doing here?”

“Following orders.”

“Okay, but why would they care about what I’m doing?”

“Beats me into a pile of mushed organs and shattered limbs, eats the meat of my remains, and sacrifices the rest to a deity that had its peak thousands of years ago.”

“Well, I’m seeing what assignments I have.”

“That’s a fancy name for checking your email.”

“Yeah. Hey, what does the ‘mail’ part of email mean anyway?”

“I don’t know. But I do know that this wallpaper—shit, thinking about it made me look at it again. It’s in here too... must resist....” She began drooling and developed a nosebleed, both of which were extreme compared to what typically happened.

Camerapony #3 went onto a site they may as well have just called Gmail because they’d have the same chance of having to pay something, and found that she had been given no orders for the following workweek. It was a good thing she loved pot noodles.

Chapter 26: Whatever Its Name Is

Twilight was lying on her couch watching Action Newz 7, a channel which showed mainly news and occasionally shows about yelling at people with different political views from the channel. Unlike most news channels, they didn’t do crossovers that often.

“Sixty-four died in the flood in Oppidia,” she barely took in from the channel often accused of having a strong bias to both left and right. The channel had a larger proportion of sad stories than other major Equestrian news channels and was the only one to have ads for Amnesia Juice™, which was the source of many functionally identical bits of speculation.

Twilight didn’t like Amnesia Juice™ since you didn’t have any control over what memories you lost, so if you just learned something important in the past exactly six hours every time then you might forget it. Overdoses, easy to do since the drink required different dosages for forgetting different types of things, could also result in long-term memory loss.

“I hate Amnesia Juice,” Twilight said. It was rare for people to say the ™, though it was officially in the name. “You don’t have any control over the memories you lose, so you could forget something important. And if you overdose on it, which is easy to do since you need a different dosage for, like, everything, you can lose long-term memories. You always hear about ponies who drink just a little too much and they forget their PIN, how to spell ‘hors-d’œuvre’, even their family or their own names....”

Ten minutes later, she was on her computer. “Huh. Remember how I talked about me not liking Amnesia Juice?” No one was there to answer her. “I’m going to the Big Stopmart.”

She ran as fast as she could to the nearest Big Stopmart, except she teleported just outside and walked calmly in. She encountered a wet floor sign blocking her way to the memory alteration substance aisle, but also happened to notice the lack of a sign, and the lack of a large puddle of water, at the other end of the aisle. She decided she didn’t care, but couldn’t get past the sign even though it left a gap she could fit through. She tried to push it away, but to no avail.

“Fucking tiles,” she muttered.

She went around the back and quickly found the violet-purple bottles of Amnesia Juice™, which were only available in sets of twelve.

“They know they can sell these to me even though we both know I’m only using one. I can’t do it. I can’t let them win. Besides, I’ve run into traumatising things before and I’ve gotten over it. Traumatising is a pretty strong word for it anyway, really. But that... that one was so... why do I feel differently about it anyway? I should at least see it as one of those things that’s so ridiculous it fails to do anything.”

Two hours later, the store now closed for fifty-five minutes, two employees were almost finished cleaning up.

“Can you believe that mare—or filly, she seemed teenage, it was hard to tell—who was in front of the Amnesia Juice for half an hour talking to herself about whether to get it?” said the store’s oldest and wisest janitor, Janet.

“I know, she was weird,” said a more rookie janitor, Saraswati. “At least she listened to the wet floor sign unlike half the fuckers who come here.”

“Yeah. And then when they slip, they decide it’s the nearest employee’s fault and give them shit.”

“Does it make me dumb to find observational comedy this basic so funny?”

“I wouldn’t think so.”

“Cool.”

Two hours earlier, Twilight was debating with herself over whether to get some Amnesia Juice™ despite this constituting giving in to the twelve-packs she hated so much. You have any more detail to tell us, Twilight?

“Hmm,” transcriber #2 said, “Maybe if I say it to her instead of type it, she’ll respond to me. Hey, Twilight, can I ask you something?”

“What?” Twilight looked over to transcriber #2. “Did you say my name?”

“You have any more detail about your decision to tell the camera?”

“Um... will I get over it anyway... paying for more than I’ll use... no, I think that’s it. I’m going to stand here and repeat myself for a while until I decide.”

Thirty minutes later, she made up her mind.

“Okay. Okay-okay-okay. I’m getting the Amnesia Juice. How should I carry it, though? Wait, I’m a unicorn.”

Twilight levitated a case and went to checkout #74. It was at the point of putting the Amnesia Juice™ on the belt that she realised that the store had been silent for the past ten or fifteen minutes, she the only customer there.

“Welcome to Pudding Palace,” the cashier said. “How may I—um, wrong job.” Twilight paid as the white Charcoal Nightcrow bagged her one item. “Thank you for... shopping at Big Stopmart.”

Twilight teleported back to the treehouse without even leaving the building first. She tore open the plastic around the cardboard case, took a bottle, and opened the cap.

“Do I really want to do this? If I don’t do it right... do these come with instructions or something?” She looked all around the paper circling the bottle, but found nothing of use. “Could I call Fluttershy? Because she... no, she’s probably asleep.”

She found it on the Internet.

“All right. Does my scratch-resistant microwave-safe Pyrex® measure jug made with borosilicate heat-resistant glass even have marks that low? Well, I’ll see.” She went to the kitchen, and it didn’t. “Well, fuck. Wait a minute, don’t I own a graduated cylinder somewhere? Where is it? And how weird would I look drinking out of something like that? It would look like I’m drinking some chemical and trying to kill myself. Or what if I just measured it and then poured it into something more conventional? But that’s just doing something inconvenient for no practical reason. I guess there really aren’t any ‘practical reasons’ anyway when what’s a good experience is completely subjective, and besides, no matter how much I like something because I have to subjectively decide some things are fun or I’ll end up depressed or insane, we’re all going to die eventually anyway, so even once you get over the subjectivity it still doesn’t make a difference what you do.”

She paused for a moment.

“Okay, let me try to take that in a different direction. It would be so weird to drink out of something like that. But why do I care about what the culture I live in has subjectively described as ‘weird’? If you don’t think something’s weird, then it’s not. I shouldn’t be worrying about all these baseless concepts society’s come up with when it’s obvious what the most practical thing is to do. So I’ll go with my original plan of drinking out of the cylinder that I still haven’t found.”

She then noticed it on a bookshelf she had been facing the whole time. Technically the upper cabinets in her kitchen were not meant to be used as bookshelves.

“That was easy.”

Back at the study where she left the Amnesia Juice™, a room distinct from the den as well as the cabinet, Twilight had eighty millilitres of the liquid ready to be consumed.

“Do I really want to do this? You know, I’ve been so distracted by this whole Amnesia Juice thing that I haven’t even thought about that thing again except for now okay I’ve decided.” She drank it as quickly as gravity would let her. “Why do I have a bottle of Amnesia Juice here? Oh no, did I... oh, I remember. Wait, I don’t remember anything about that... thing... I don’t even know what kind of thing it was. So I did it right, good.”

Spike came into the room. “Twilight?”

She looked over her shoulder. “Holy crap, a dragon? What are you doing here? And how do you know my name? Okay, I saved the world and I’m famous, but what are you doing here?”

“I’m Spike.”

“I don’t know who you’re talking about. Are you going to try and eat me? I’m willing to hurt you.”

Spike noticed the Amnesia Juice™ on the desk. “Did you just take some of that Amnesia Juice?”

“Yeah, why? I measured it carefully, I would still know who you are if I knew you. I guess I could’ve misread something, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t.”

“I’m not going to eat you—”

Twilight began to charge a spell requiring an expanding sphere of magic.

“What are you doing? I’m Spike, don’t you remember? Do you need a picture of us having happy times together or some—”

She sent a white bolt of something vaguely electric-looking but which could’ve been anything from her horn to his chest, knocking him out. She went back to the computer. “What did I do wrong? Yeah, take eighty mi... oh, that’s a six. There’s the problem. Let’s see, how can I fix... well, I still remember Zecora.”

She teleported outside Zecora’s hut and barged in.

Zecora looked up from a cauldron. “Hello, Twilight.”

“Hi, Zecora. I was wondering if you had anything for overdoses of Amnesia Juice.”

“I just came back from foreign lands—okay, it was just across the border to Pferdland, but still foreign lands—a couple weeks ago with what you need.”

“Why aren’t you rhyming?”

“Does it matter?”

“Fine, just give me the magical potion or flower or whatever it happens to be.”

“Here.” Zecora took a plant that looked rather like mint or catnip about forty centimetres long and gave it to Twilight.

“Cool.” She ate the plant. “When does it start to work?”

“Instantly.”

“Oh, yeah. I remember stuff now. Like that baby dragon I killed was Spike.”

“You killed Spike?!”

“Did I say killed?”

“Yes. You said ‘Like that baby dragon I killed was Spike.’.”

“Oh. I meant knocked out.”

“That was scary, I thought he was actually dead.”

“Nope, he’s alive. Anyway, I’m going to back my house.”

“All right, then.”

“I could just leave him here,” Twilight said as she looked down on Spike’s body. “If I did it right, he’ll wake up and he’ll be fine. If it takes, I don’t know, an hour, I guess I’ll take him to Zecora.”

Exactly five minutes later, Spike woke up.

“Twilight?”

She put a book down. “Oh, good, you’re okay.”

“Do you know who I am now?”

“Yep. Went to Zecora and everything’s fine now. I hope that didn’t hurt too much.”

“I only felt it for a second, but it was worse than The Event.”

“Oh.” She took a second. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”

“No, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine if it was worse than The Event. What do you want from me?”

“Really, it’s—”

Twilight levitated him into her legs. “No, no, you don’t have to be like that. So what is it? Food? Money? Electronics? Your way with Rarity?”

“It was only for a second....”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m happy with what I have.”

“Okay. I guess I’ll make a joke about having a lot of extra Amnesia Juice.”

“Like?”

“I sure have a lot of extra Amnesia Juice.”

Spike didn’t laugh, or respond at all.

Chapter 29: Get Well Soon, Seriously

Pinkie Pie heard someone come into Sugarcube Corner and looked up from her 36×36 sudoku. Get it? Because it’s big?

“Hi, Rainbow Dash!”

“Hey. Any exciting new pastries?”

“We have—wait a minute....”

“What?”

“You’re not Rainbow Dash!”

“The hell?”

Pinkie went around the counter and pulled off what was actually a mask. “Old man Jenkins?”

“But how did you know?”

“Rainbow Dash is still in hospital.”

“What? When did that happen?”

“It was all over the news. She’s still answering the same three interview questions to this day.”

“Well, I never heard about it.”

“That’s weird. Anyway, I’m calling the police.”

He ran outside and flew away.

Meanwhile, Twilight was in her kitchen.

“If this saves even one foal’s life, it’ll all be worth it,” Twilight said.

“Why would baking cookies save a foal’s life?” Spike said.

“Are you saying you wouldn’t be happy for a foal’s life to be saved?”

“No. Answer what I actually asked you.”

“I don’t know, but I would be glad if it happened.”

“Okay....”

“Do you want a foal to die? Like, if you had a foal tied up at your mercy, what would you do?”

“If I didn’t know them and they weren’t important to the world?”

“Yes.”

“Probably eat them.”

“So you do want to kill innocent foals.”

“So do you. You want to become a spree killer, right?”

“And a massacrist and mysterious serial killer. Just an all-around polymurderer.”

“That’s a pretty big ambition.”

“Well, obviously I think I can do it.”

“Just don’t start out as a massacrist, a bunch of ponies at once might be too hard for your first time.”

“I’m not crazy, Spike.”

“You aren’t?”

“Well, okay, I’m not dumb.”

Applejack was sitting against the outside of the barn. “Big Mac should be gone for the next few hours, so....” She petted an imaginary Rainbow Dash. “Yeah, this sucks.”

Big Mac came outside. “Who’s doing the apple stand today?”

“Ah’ll do it. Ah’m just still sad an’ annoyed over the—friend tahmes Ah’ve missed with Rainbow Dash....”

“Why have you been—”

“Ah already told you. She’s mah friend so Ah’m sad that she got hurt. Is that so hard?”

“You’ve really been—”

“Quit overanalahsin’. Really. You’re actin’ lahke Ah wanna fuck ‘er. In fact, Ah fahnd that so offensive Ah’m just gonna leave right now.”

She pulled everything to the place in Ponyville they had determined to the best, which happened to be in the opposite corner of the town to Sugarcube Corner, and assembled the stand. The big question was how well the new apple crumble would sell, and if it did sell well, if that continued when it was the familiar apple crumble. She never understood why ponies ate apple crumble so infrequently when it was loved so much, since it wasn’t as if the ingredients were particularly special; the only possible thing was the seasonality of certain types of apples, and that could hardly account for the seemingly biennial frequency.

Although the novelty was always in the back of her mind to keep her from getting too excited about it, the crumble sold out, as did a few other things. It was actually quite a good day not just for that one experiment but in general, although she had more of the turnovers and little tarts left than usual. Not that many, since she didn’t bring that many since not many ponies came to her in the first place since Ponyville was a small town since the only ponies who ever lived there were born into it since nopony would move there when there was a fifty thousand-pony city just ten kilometres to the north since some planner 150 years ago made a railroad go through there instead of Ponyville. It was sunset when she came back to Sweet Apple Acres, since even though she wasn’t always out that long, she decided to do it that time since anyone she would have socialised with would’ve just been a substitute for Rainbow Dash and she didn’t want to be rudely apathetic about everything talking with a member of her family, or anyone for that matter.

Big Mac got the door. “Hi.”

“Hey. How was your day?”

“Nothing happened. How did the experiment go?”

“How do you know—oh, that experiment. Yeah, they sold out.”

“What other experiment—”

“It’s a prahvate thing.”

“What would—”

“It’s a secret.”

“But why—”

“Oh, the ‘what have you got to hahde’ attitude. Well, Ah don’t support cameras in—”

“I’m not going—”

“Ah ain’t tellin’ an’ that’s it.”

Rarity hadn’t sold much in the way of high-end clothing, mid-range clothing, or toasters that day. And whilst the last was to be expected, she usually had a decent time with the other two. She only had so long before fashion moved on and the clothes were unable to provide their primary function, making someone look like they had money. To occupy herself, she was reading a book titled “Socially Unacceptable Extreme Platonic and Sexual Love”, which despite the at times clumsy translation was a fascinating tale of the author’s experiences mountain climbing.

She put the book down as someone came into the store, because fully half of the ponies who had most recently saved the world had a job about selling something. The pony didn’t look like her typical customer; she was wearing a black jacket, black sunglasses, and black mane and tail dye, which contrasted with her white fur. Her extreme colours combined with her total lack of any colour made her the target of many vaguely racist comments.

Rarity was hardly annoyed about someone browsing the store, but what did bug her was her boyfriend smoking just outside. That spinach and red cabbage on the grill made her realise she hadn’t eaten since breakfast and made her suddenly quite hungry. As she continued to stare at the leaves, she went from fantasising about food to admiring a beautiful piece of art to mindlessly enjoying something she just found oddly soothing to outright meditation. Eventually the customer put a couple things on the desk, but it went unnoticed.

“Uh... are you okay?” She waited a couple seconds. “I got something.” She put the money on the desk. “I guess I could leave, but I don’t really feel comfortable about it.” She waited another few seconds, then came around and tapped one of her legs. “HEY!”

She didn’t want it to come to this, but saw no other choice, and pushed Rarity down to the floor. This finally worked, and Rarity got up. Without a word, she checked the price tags and counted the money.

“Thank you for shopping at the Carousel Boutique. Someday we must meet again.”

The customer took her clothes and left, taking her boyfriend and the vegetables Rarity would never know with her.

Chapter 30: Twilight Discovers Spike’s Porn Stash

Spike was on a ladder rearranging some books in the den. This was where Twilight kept all of her “embarrassing guilty pleasures”, which meant anything that was fewer than one hundred pages or funny. He wasn’t sure how to alphabetise “Ægir Jacobsen’s Simplicity by Ægir Jacobsen”, one of those books where the author’s name on the front was bigger than the title’s, and he was sure Twilight had told him and she’d get mad if he had to ask again.

But first, Twilight had a different thing to get mad at. With Spike having left his computer completely accessible, she couldn’t help but notice the folder right on the desktop named “Porn of Rarity”. That alone wasn’t the problem, but when she opened it, she found porn of Rarity. There was only one reaction.

“Fuck it, it’s one in the morning. I’ll confront him about it tomorrow.”

Despite Twilight’s best attempts to stiffen up her muscles and roll around, the sheer comfort of her mattress beat her into a state of pure relaxation. The next morning, she had a dream about being the pilot of an aeroplane, except as in real life she didn’t know how to fly one, and just as the literal downward spiral was about to end in the death of her and the other 191 on board, she woke up. She was eating lunch when she first saw Spike that day.

“Hi, Spike.”

“Hey.”

“I know about your porn of Rarity.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You have a folder on your desktop called ‘Porn of Rarity’.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The file names are all one to three-digit numbers or really long hexes.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Admit it or I’ll tell everypony about the one where Rarity says ‘get off the’—”

“Okay, I admit it. Hypocrite.”

“You’re the hypocrite.”

“Maybe we should just accept our similarities.”

“I still love you.”

“I still love you too.”

Spike went into the kitchen to nuke a burrito, killing forty-eight thousand ponies.

A few minutes later, they were together in the bedroom, Spike on his computer and Twilight reading a book, their respective default activities.

“Spike?”

He finished a bite of his somewhat overcooked burrito. “Yeah?”

“Why don’t you want anything for your birthday?”

“I wouldn’t use it. My life is already optimised.”

“But there must be something new....”

“Nope. I already said.”

“You don’t want a sex slave?”

“I’m Raritysexual.”

“No entertainment that looks exciting?”

“I’m good.”

“Something you don’t dare ask for because it’s so expensive?”

“How would you know?”

“You’re two degrees away from Celestia, you can have anything you can dream of.”

“If you saw my dream last night, you’d know that’s not true.”

“But seriously, is there anything really expensive you want?”

“No.”

“We’ll see about that when the time comes.”

On a cold night for the time of year, about ten degrees including windchill, Twilight had been in the den for three minutes and couldn’t find the book she was looking for.

“Spiiiiike!”

Spike came down. “Yeah?”

“Where’s Ægir Jacobsen’s Simplicity?”

“Er....” He scanned the bookshelf, which took up three sides of the room. “Yeah, there.” He pointed to it.

“You put it under AE.”

“Yeah.”

“Not after Z like I asked. Or even with J.”

“I didn’t—”

“Dammit, Spike, there was only one thing you had to remember. It’s been, like, a month since you had to learn a new letter.”

“Sorry....”

“Come with me.”

She led him to the front door and opened it.

“Out.”

“But I—”

“The cold air’s getting in.”

“Twilight, I—”

She threw him out with her levitation and closed the door. “You’re sleeping outside tonight.”

“I did what—”

“Or find somewhere else. I don’t care. Just not in here.”

“I love you....”

He heard her lock the door and walk away. He had no clothes and didn’t know what the weather was going to do, so sleeping outside wasn’t actually viable. He went to the nearest neighbour and knocked the door, and he was met by a pink and white palette swap of Rarity.

“Spike?” the palette swap said.

“Twilight kicked me out for the night.”

“There’s a free couch in the living room.”

“I’m good with that.”

Chapter 31: Apple Bloom Finds Out

Applejack and Rainbow Dash were lying on Applejack’s bed and kissing, but neither of them had remembered to lock the door. Alone, neither of these were dangerous to the secret, but together they were a recipe for disaster. And so it proved when Apple Bloom opened the door, their reflex reactions not quick enough to keep her from seeing it.

“Uh... were you just....”

They got off the bed. “Come in,” Applejack said.

She came in and closed the door behind her. “So, were you just....”

“Come closer.”

“Are you gonna hurt me?”

“Not as bad as if you don’t come closer.” She came closer, and a swipe to the head knocked her out. “What are we gonna do?”

“That was kind of a knee-jerk reaction. Like, you could’ve asked me that—”

“What are we gonna do now?”

“Lament how Apple Bloom was a victim of circumstance?”

“Here are all the ponies who coulda discovered the secret and been easily knocked out: Apple Bloom.”

“Still, it’s not her fault her sister was in a secret relationship.”

“Look, maybe you didn’t agree with knockin’ ‘er out. What are we gonna do now?”

“Take her to the nearest hospital?”

“You’re so dramatic, she’ll be fahne.” She pushed Apple Bloom under the bed. “We need a plan.”

“Tell her not to tell anypony? I think it’s pretty obvious to her there’ll be consequences.”

“Ah guess that’s all we can really do.”

Applejack went across the room to lock the door and went back on the bed.

“I can’t kiss over an unconscious Apple Bloom.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Some ponies just don’t like anythin’.”

As they were having a normal conversation which mainly involved agreeing about the quality of various television programmes, Apple Bloom woke up and came out from under the bed.

“Hey, Apple Bloom,” they both said.

“So Ah guess Ah ain’t gonna tell anypony about what Ah saw?”

“Yep,” Applejack said.

“‘Kay. Ah changed mah mahnd about in’eractin’ with you today, so Ah’m gonna leav’ now.”

“All raht.”

Chapter 32: Rarity’s Obsessively Disinfected Secret

At an intersection in Ponyville, Twilight was ready to give the bad news.

“Did you hear in the newselectricity?” Twilight said.

“You know what would be great?” Rainbow Dash said.

“What?”

“If you waited for everypony to show up first.”

Twenty minutes later, the other four showed up.

“Did you hear in the newselectricity?”

“What?” the others said.

“Magnalarge want to build a new store—right across from our Big Stopmart!”

“Oh no!” said everyone except Rarity.

“Rarity? Why aren’t you acting surprised with us?” Pinkie Pie said.

“I’m not surprised with your behaviour,” Rarity said.

“What? No, about Magnalarge.”

“Well, I work part-time for them.”

“What?!” everyone said.

“How could you support them?!” Pinkie said. “You seem to be fed just fine at the moment. Not even making my long-lost twin sister appear could make me like you again.” Pinkie sighed and looked towards the sky. “Where are you in the world, Surprise?”

“I am not ‘fed just fine’, I’ve had to beg from Applejack enough times.”

“Well, I think you’re evil. In fact, let’s take a vote. Rainbow Dash!”

“I vote no.”

“No?! Oh, you mean it’s not okay.”

“It is okay.”

“Fine. The vote’s a tie so far, I’m sure good will prevail. Twilight!”

“It’s not bad.”

“Fine. Fluttershy!”

“It’s not bad.”

“What is wrong with you ponies? Applejack?”

“Ah don’ agree with you either.”

“What, is, wrong?!”

“Not that I’d mind if Rarity died,” Twilight said, “But there’s nothing wrong with working for somepony you hate if it’s the only way to live.”

“But she likes them!”

“Let me rephrase that to better express my feelings: somepony I hate.”

“Well, I guess I’ll just have to not buy anything from Magnalarge or Rarity.”

“You weren’t doing that already?”

“I just wish I could do more.”

“Holy crap,” a pony walking by said, “All the world-saviours in one place!”

Twilight took them all to the front room in her treehouse.

“So what Magnalarge do you work at?” Pinkie said. “And how long has this been going on?”

“For a few months, and the one in Nepeta. So you can see how this would be convenient for me.”

“How many other ponies have you put out of work with that decision?”

“One.”

“I see. Hey, Twilight.”

“Yeah?”

“You know we have computers and shit now.”

“Yeah. Sometimes I get nostalgic.”

“It’s just, is that one sentence all you wanted to tell us in physical space?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I guess there’s nothing any of us can do about the damage now.” Silence ensued, and no one knew what to do. “I’m taking Rainbow Dash.”

“I want her,” Twilight said.

“I need her for testing,” Rarity said.

Everyone looked at Rainbow.

“Do I have to be with any of you?”

“I gave an actual rea—” Rarity said.

“Yeah, nopony cares. Look, I wanna be alone, so I’m leavin’.”

“Bu—” said the rest bar Fluttershy.

“I don’t care. You can’t force me to hang out with you.” She went outside and flew away.

“Then I’ll just... um...” Pinkie said. “I don’t know. Be lonely.”

“Yep,” Twilight said.

“Maybe Rarity can give us some tips on dealin’ with loneliness,” Applejack said.

“Yes, very funny. But I do need a pony.”

“I could do it,” Pinkie said.

“Will you act more mature than... last time?”

“I swear on my front legs.”

“Good. I’ll see you at noon.”

“Ah’m goin’ home to be lonely,” Applejack said.

They all left, not counting Twilight.

Chapter 33: It Is Demonstrated

Winter solstice was a week away, and it was three degrees out. It was a fairly cloudy day, with Rainbow Dash lying on one of the larger clouds, having drifted ten kilometres away from Ponyville since she set hoof on it. She was wearing a tangerine coat, which apart from being tasty had slits for her wings, one of several solutions for pegasus coats.

She tore off a hoofful of the cloud. “I wonder what these taste like,” she said. It had always tempted her—it would be so easy—but much like no one knew what dirt tasted like, no one knew how clouds were. But what could go wrong? It was just water, plus the tricarbon hydrostyroxide gel foam that made it solid but still allowed it to float. The idea of eating cloud drifted into her head from time to time, but until now, she had never gone as far as actually taking a bit with the intention of eating it. After taking a few minutes to decide, she threw it out of reach. “I’ll ask Twilight if I can do it.”

Hours later, it was near sunset, and it was time for a trip to Sweet Apple Acres entirely unrelated to trying new non-foods. All three of them had finally agreed on a date and time for Rainbow to “see Applejack and Big Mac have sex”, so that the lie Applejack continued to hold up for the sake of a lame joke could end, and it was not long after now. She punched through the cloud, and it instantly became apparent that it had been travelling more quickly than she had thought.

“Um... crap, where is this?” About half an hour ago, she had crossed into a different province. “Well, I guess go opposite to the clouds....”

Applejack got the door.

“Hi, I know I’m late.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I was on a cloud and—”

“Well, we’re still willin’ to show you.”

“But it was getting dark—”

“Yep, excitin’.”

“You don’t care?”

“You’re really late so Ah’m mad at you. Is it that hard?”

“Just let me finish a—”

“Anyway, Ah’ll feel better when we show you. Come on.”

They went up to Applejack’s room, where Big Mac awaited. Applejack closed and locked the door behind them and went across the room.

“You ready, Rainbow?” Applejack said.

“Ready to be right.”

Applejack and Big Mac tongue-kissed for a few seconds.

“You can give up now.”

“Uh... wow... okay, that was really gross, but I could see you training for it. No wonder it took so long to agree on a date, you were preparing for this.”

“That was real.”

“I admit I’m surprised by how far you’re taking this, but you don’t actually have sex.”

Big Mac sat with his back to the bed and Applejack got on the floor. “It’s gonna happen.”

“Yep. Go for it.”

“You don’t have to see this.”

“Well, it doesn’t happen, so that works out nicely.”

Applejack put both hooves on his penis, and Rainbow suddenly felt very uncomfortable. She then pulled down the foreskin partway and licked the head, and that was enough.

“Okay, fuck, I believe you!”

They both got up. Applejack had a smug smirk, and Big Mac looked very neutral, as if this was something they did every other day. “Don’t you go tellin’ anypony.”

“I won’t, I won’t. Fuck. You two are fucked up.”

“Yep. Flah along now. Or stay here for the naht. Whichever.”

“I don’t want to be near you right now.” She went down the stairs, went outside, went inside, and went up the stairs. “It’s too dark.”

“You wanna stay with me?”

“Not really, but I don’t have much of a choice.”

“You could sleep on the couch.”

“Well, obviously. Would we share a bed?”

“Er... ah course not. Silly me.”

And so everyone #sleptwithconfidence. What? You don’t get it? Oh yeah, it was, like, this big thing back when it aired. Yeah, it’s really dated it now.

Chapter 34: Periwinkle

After a long day of sky-clearing, as despite her boasts she sometimes had to do more than three tiny clouds, Rainbow Dash was asleep in Twilight’s bedroom. It would have been nice if she had at least made it to a bed before passing out on the floor, but Twilight wasn’t going to wake her up just to tell her to move a couple metres, mostly because of the likely consequences.

Twilight planned to make her love confession tomorrow, and she knew exactly what was going to happen: she would say really weird, awkward things about liking her for a few minutes, kiss her, and then be pushed away so hard her head would hit the metal side rail of the bench, causing her to fall unconscious and lose memory of the confession. The next day, she would try again, only to be told she had done this before and, for forcing her into a kiss, Rainbow had pushed her such that her head contacted a piece of metal at reasonable speed. The plan still had a few wrinkles to iron.

The next morning, Rainbow was still asleep when Twilight got out of bed. Could she really take the risk of doing morning things and letting Rainbow get away? Could she take the risk of knocking her out, possibly causing her to miss work and letting Ponyville be destroyed by a tornado? She decided she would have to take the more minor risk, but as she was in the shower, Rainbow woke up. She then got on the lower bunk, pulled a blanket over her head, and spent half an hour like that, during which Twilight made it back. When she finally uncovered her head and opened her eyes, she saw Twilight looking at her.

“You’re awake!”

“How long have you been—”

“Do you have anything important to do today?”

“Not really, I—”

“Well, I do, so can I have you?”

“Sure.”

Rainbow did her morning business and came back. She saw Twilight drawing from the bottomless well of frustration that was typing with hooves.

“Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“When is the important thing happening? And what is it?”

She looked away from the monitor. “After we eat lunch, and I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Is it gonna take a while?”

“You already said I can have you.”

“Fine. Do I have to stay here?”

“Um... you can leave, but if you aren’t back in two hours, I’m going to do things to you that you wouldn’t enjoy any description of.”

“What if I never come back to Ponyville?”

“You will, though. If you even leave.”

“You’re not preparing for every situation.”

“Well, I’ve never been preparing for you to leave forever.”

“The time could be now, so act fast.”

“I’ll see you in two hours.”

Twilight was getting excited, but with less than two minutes to go, Rainbow came back.

“Hi, Twilight.” She stepped closer. “What the hell are you reading?”

Twilight got off the chair. “A spell to summon ice. I can already do fire and lightning, so it’s an obvious gap.”

“Why, do you plan to murder ponies? Because last time we saved the world, we managed to keep the body count pretty low.”

“Yes. I’m going to turn evil, or at least insane.”

“Aren’t you already evil if you plan to turn evil?”

“Well, I don’t want to say I’m evil and then take months to kill anypony.”

“Okay. So what’s the thing?”

“I told you, it’s a surprise. I’ll reveal part one to you after we eat.”

After some pasta salad over which Rainbow asked Twilight dumb questions about magic and Twilight asked Rainbow dumb questions about race flying, it was almost time for the plan to really come into action.

“I guess I should save this,” Twilight said.

“You have two rotinis left, just eat them.”

“But I’m not hungry.”

“You can’t save two rotinis.”

“Why not?”

“Just eat it. It’s not like you’re wasting it.”

“But I’m not hungry.”

“It isn’t enough to be worth a container. Are you eventually going to wash something for that?”

“I make Spike wash everything.”

“Fine, save it. But you only have yourself to blame when Spike looks in the fridge and makes fun of you.”

“I’m not going to be ashamed no matter what you say.”

Twilight took the dishes and went away, leaving Rainbow to entertain herself and somehow create an awkward situation whilst being alone. When Twilight came back, she noticed how apologetic Rainbow looked to nobody.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I said I’m okay.”

“I can’t believe you keep lying to me.”

“I can’t believe you’re accusing me of lying.”

“Okay, I’ll believe whatever answer you give. You can trust me, because we’re friends, so you don’t have to lie. Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Now we can go.”

“Where are we actually going?”

“First, the park in Cornerville—”

“I don’t need another lecture about how nice trees are. Applejack’s tried it, Pinkie Pie’s tried it, a few of my friends who aren’t famous, even Fluttershy tried for a few seconds once. I don’t hate the existence of parks, it’s just that I’m Rainbow Dash and sitting around to look at some pretty plants isn’t exactly my thing. I can’t believe that was supposed to be a fun surprise.”

“I didn’t know about any of that. It doesn’t matter, though, nothing’s been ruined.”

“Oh, really.”

“Of course the park isn’t a big surprise. The big surprise is at the park. You’ll see.”

She teleported them to one of the entrances, but there was a problem: she had completely lied and now had to remake her plan on the fly. It seemed so simple: show her a pretty time, show her a tasty time, and show her that Applejack deserved to be locked in a 1.5 cubic metre room with one transparent side and gassed as she pounded on the wall and begged for mercy, and she would have herself a girlfriend.

The park itself was quite featureless. It was densely packed with one type of generic-looking spruce, there was a lake in the middle, and that was about it. The paths were meandering but felt artificial, perhaps because there was no terrain for them to conform to, as the park was almost completely flat. They sauntered a couple hundred metres to the lake in silence, then Twilight sat in front of the lake and Rainbow followed suit.

“I want to admit it before you say it. Things aren’t going as I planned.”

“What is it you wanted to show me?”

“No, I lied about that. I was just trying to save this and I hoped I would think of something.”

“Why can’t you just tell me whatever you’re hiding?”

“I have to build up to it.”

“And that involves coming here.”

“Obviously.”

“Well, since this is already a failure, where are we going next?”

“Well, I planned for us to look around for longer than... well, this....”

“Well, it isn’t happening.”

“I guess I can just tell you, then, if you really don’t like this. I’m taking you to the Cornerville Corner.”

“So after this, a semi-expensive restaurant, to build up something... are you, like, trying to date me? Do you love me, is that the secret?”

“What? No. Rainbow, that’s disgusting. Besides, you already have a girlfriend.”

“Well, she said she doesn’t mind if... actually, she might mind another romantic relationship.”

“What?”

“Yeah, we haven’t talked about that, actually. But I can fuck other ponies. She didn’t actually say it, but she implied it by—that’s a secret.”

“How did she imply it, but not say it directly?”

“Secret.”

“Like, did she have sex with somepony else and then tell you about it? Because if so, I don’t think you should—”

“I wanna fuck everypony too, so I didn’t complain.”

“But she still, like—”

“I don’t care. Don’t tell me about my own relationship.”

“Okay... um, where were we? Right, the restaurant. Are we going there now?”

“I’m not hungry. I mean, it’s been about five minutes.”

“Yeah....”

There was about ten seconds of silence.

“Just tell me.”

“No. It’s a surprise.”

“So how long are we going to sit here? Until we get hungry?”

“We can go somewhere else. It’d kind of kill the mood if we went back to the treehouse, though....”

“That’d be a big loss.”

She teleported them back to the treehouse, except she forgot the transcriber. The transcriber waited a few minutes, but then decided she was truly forgotten and flew back herself, which was pretty annoying to do.

“So then she said ‘I thought it was a caterpillar!’,” Rainbow said.

Twilight laughed to the point of crying, and after a minute had settled down enough to give a response. “Wow. That is the fucking craziest thing.”

“I’m glad somepony who wasn’t there agrees. It’s only been a week, so we’re still bugging her about it.”

“That’s too good.”

They talked for hours about nothing, surprising considering that Rainbow was generally bored by philosophy and quantum mechanics. But unless they were murdered or they vowed to eat until they vomited whenever possible, eventually they had to get hungry.

“You know what else technically isn’t empty?” Rainbow said. “My stomach.”

“You don’t have to be insecure about it. You can just say you’re hungry.”

“What?”

“It’s okay to be hungry.”

“How am I ‘insecure about it’?”

“Come on, you know what you did.”

“No, I don’t.”

“You’re so immature. Just admit you got caught.”

“I don’t even know what you’re doing right now.”

“Well, since you’re too embarrassed to admit it, I guess I’ll stop.”

“Okay....”

“I have one thing to do, then we’ll go.”

“You don’t have to be insecure about it. You can just say you’re ready.”

“What?”

The Cornerville Corner, named for being on a street corner in Cornerville, named for being in the exact centre of mainland Equestria at the time it was established, was either not casual or fine or it was both simultaneously. The walls were painted with various blues and purples in swirly and wavy patterns, although most of the area was taken by paintings of lighthouses, boats, and other things meant to make water a bit more exciting. This combined with the lack of windows and slightly dim lighting compared to other establishments made it pretentious, dark, and claustrophobic for some, pleasantly calming to others, and inarticulably “a bit off but not strictly bad, I guess” to the majority.

“Welcome to the Cornerville Corner!” the maître d’rêstaurant said in a voice which forced the two to imagine a girl in her late teens or early twenties, wearing sunglasses, ranting about one of her friends over the phone, taking a somewhat long time to say the word “Corner”. The last part happened in reality as well, but had worked its way into the mental image as if it were near the end of a dream. “Just the two of you?”

“Yes,” Twilight said.

“Right this waaay.”

They were led to a table and took seats.

“Your server will be right with yoouu.”

“Okay,” they simultaneously said in their own creepily friendly voices they never used outside of restaurants.

Twilight opened her menu, as did Rainbow after a few tries. The menu had 112 items, most of them various sandwiches, but also including many salads, as well some items from a strange genre of salad in which the dressing was very thin and accounted for as much of the dish’s weight as the solid ingredients, necessitating it to be eaten in spoonfuls which contained a few thoroughly soaked solid pieces in a pool of the dressing.

“I want most of the things on here,” Rainbow said.

“Me t—holy crap, look at this, though. This is absolutely... oh, it has banana peppers.”

The waiter came. “Hello, my name is Doctor Jean-Paul-Philippe García Sánchez Pérez Cardoza, Viscount of Battleknife, I’ll be your server today. Any drinks?”

“Water,” Twilight said.

“Citrus bLEND™.”

“All right, I’ll get those for you.”

“So...” Twilight said, “How is your... flying?”

“You don’t have to be saying something every second.”

“We can’t go to a restaurant and not talk.”

“Sure we can. We already exhausted everything interesting back home. Well, your home.”

“It can be your home. You can stay over as often as you like.”

“It’s still not quite my home if I just come straight in to sleep and straight out. It’d be weird if I actually, like, lived with you anyway.”

“I’m not saying you should, I’m saying you can.”

“I don’t think you’re thinking through just how weird it would be. I mean, do you really want to live with me if you’re like ‘sure, I don’t care’?”

“Sure, I don’t care.”

“Well, there’s no way I’m spending my life with an attitude like that.”

The drinks were delivered. “Have you decided what you’re having?”

“I think we need a little more time,” Twilight said.

“Okay.”

Within five seconds, Twilight had made her decision. “Cumbiscuits.”

“Is that what you’re getting?”

“Yes.”

“I still have to decide between the oignon soup and the Pasta Scialo.”

“I don’t get the second one.”

“It was this thing from, like, thirty years ago. Fairly popular if you kept up with that sort of thing. Which you did, since there was almost nothing else to—”

“You aren’t that old.”

“Oh. Well, somehow I learned it.”

The waiter came and took their orders, with the exception of Twilight’s to advance to Züden and slaughter every one of the villagers.

“So how’s flying?” Twilight said.

“It’s too cold recently to do anything tiring.”

“Oh.”

“So how’s... magic?”

“It’s pretty good. There’s nothing to get frustrated with at the moment.”

Their table became silent, barring the background noise of others’ conversations and the occasional inexplicably loud clink of a utensil. They awkwardly looked at the table for minutes before Twilight began to make towel origami.

“I can’t tell what that’s supposed to be.”

“Really?” She turned it around. “Oh Jupiter, what is that? Yeah, let me try again.”

She tried again. “I still can’t tell.”

“What? Um...” she made a minuscule fold, “Here.”

“Oh, a seagull.”

“That’s not what it... you know, yeah, it kind of does.”

After a bicycle and a train also came out as seagulls, Rainbow got her Pasta Scialo and Twilight got her cumbiscuits. They began to eat.

“How’s the pasta?”

“This sauce just... transcends.”

“Er....”

“It’s like a whole new dimension of happiness. Like I’ve suddenly gained a sixth sense.”

“You’re eating cheese.”

“Hey, you don’t know what it’s like. So how’s your thing?”

“It’s pretty good. Definitely was worth leaving home for.”

“That’s good.”

And so Rainbow devoured her pasta in a state of simultaneous mindlessness and ecstasy, whilst Twilight savoured her biscuits and cream of broccoli. The pasta was much bigger, two meals’ worth of food, as shown by most ponies not finishing and taking the rest home for their entire lunch the next day, whilst Twilight’s dish left her hungry.

“That was really nice, but I’m definitely getting dessert. Like, I’m not even stuffing myself, it’s just a bit... Rainbow? Are you okay?” Her eyes were rolled up and mouth slightly open in a bit of a zombie look. “Rainbow?”

She looked down at her plate, closed her eyes, and took a moment to gather herself. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay.”

“This was good, but I’m still hungry.”

“I don’t think I could eat a grain of rice after mine.”

Soon enough, the waiter came around again.

“How was everything?”

“It was good,” they said in unison.

“Cool, yo.”

“Hey, can I get the dessert menu?”

“Of course.” He went off.

“So, Rainbow Dash....”

“Why are you talking to yourself?”

“What? I said that to you, it had your name in it.”

“That’s your name.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s your name.”

“I said Rainbow Dash.”

“Yeah.”

Now in possession of the dessert menu, Twilight had a decision to make.

“Crumble... torte... crumble... torte... help me, Rainbow.”

“You must make this decision on your own. To receive help would defeat the point.”

“Um... well, I’m sure I’ll know by the time he comes back.”

Despite saying that, she did, and shortly afterward she had a plate of blueberry crumble.

“Does it look good? I mean, I think it does, but it’s your opinion that counts.”

“It looks blue and brown. What matters is how it tastes.” After that pretentious, smug, prideful excuse for communicating in the English language, she had a bite of the crumble. “It’s really good.”

“As a purely subjective statement, that tells me nothing. I can imagine what I would be satisfied with when I—”

“Hey, that’s my job.”

“Do I constantly need to be like ‘yo, bitch, wazzup’?”

“You know that’s not what I’m saying.”

The exchange came to a slightly awkward end, and it took until they left the restaurant for another conversation to occur.

“Well, that was fun,” Rainbow said. “Is that the last part of your master plan?”

“Back at my place.”

Back at her place, Twilight was so excited that it was finally about to happen that she could barely contain herself. But since she could, Rainbow didn’t notice anything. Twilight led her to where the television was, not for that but for the couch facing it. She sat down and patted a spot beside her, and Rainbow took a seat.

“So... is this the last part? The epic climax of your plan?”

“Yes. There’s one more thing.”

“Then... what is it?”

The sexual assault lasted four or five seconds. Rainbow didn’t throw her legs behind Twilight’s head and reciprocate, but she didn’t make any attempt to stop it either.

“It was a date.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Well... I could use a backup girlfriend, and there is a reason I’ve been hanging out with you so much recently....”

“You love me? Just say it. Please.”

“Just so we’re clear, AJ’s the primary, but... yes.”

With the passion of a reciprocated love confession on their hooves, they didn’t do anything sexual in case Spike walked in.

Chapter 35: Faustmas Special

After years of trying, Pinkie Pie had finally convinced Applejack to work with her on baking something. As sales had been awful in the past couple of months, Sugarcube Corner was planning a small Faustmas party to remind everyone that they existed, which was enough for her to help. It turned out all she needed all this time was an actual reason rather than “it’ll obviously be awesome”.

It was the night of Faustmas Eve, and the two were embellishing hundreds upon hundreds of cupcakes each with tasteless white sprinkles. Applejack had feared that getting the hang of holding the sprinkle shaker and making sure each cupcake had a roughly similar number of sprinkles would take some practice, as this kind of thing wasn’t exactly common with what she made, but it had all turned out to be quite easy.

“Applejack?” Pinkie Pie said. “You don’t look happy. Or even content. You look... bored.”

“We’ve just been doin’ this bakin’ for a whahle.” Not counting bathroom breaks and a meal partway through, “a while” had been about six hours.

“Well, we plan to feed everypony in Ponyville.”

“Whah did we have to do everythin’ on Faustmas Eve?”

“Freshness, duh. Do you have no respect for the common pony? Has saving the world—”

“Ah have no respect for the common sprinkle.”

“That wasn’t even a good joke. It’s been like five minutes anyway.”

“Ah know, it’s just near mah breakin’ point.”

“It hasn’t been that long. Is this just too dull and exhausting compared to kicking a tree over and over again?”

“Ah know this is nothin’ to you, it just ain’t mah thing. Ah ain’t doin’ that bad, it’s just all Ah have to think about is all.”

“I see what you mean. I’m not annoying you by being all happy about it, am I?”

“Bah bein’ Pinkie Pie?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

Unlike ninety-five per cent of Equestria, Rarity wasn’t Faustist or atheist, so tomorrow’s holiday didn’t mean much to her. Yesterday, she, Sweetie Belle, and the only other pony in Ponyville homoreligious to them had had a small “Kwallzaa party”, which was basically a quiet family dinner with slightly more food and a few presents due to the lack of ponies available to make a typical party atmosphere. Rarity was lying on her bed feeling unproductive when Sweetie Belle appeared before her.

“Rarity?”

“Yes?”

“Can I go to the party at Sugarcube Corner?”

“Of course. I assumed you were going.”

“Sorry I took until now to bring it up....”

“It’s all right.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay. I would go too if everypony hadn’t decided to hate me recently, as you know, but just because I’m staying doesn’t mean you have to.”

“You still seem a bit bitter over everypony in and near your hometown suddenly hating you even though you’re exactly the same.”

“I am.”

With Applejack occupied, Rainbow Dash didn’t have to choose, so she was with Twilight.

“I should really just do it,” Twilight said.

“What?”

“Tie up Spike or something. We’re never going to get to do anything like this.”

“We could just tell him. Do you think you can trust him to keep a secret?”

“I think so, but... I don’t know if it’s worth the risk.”

“So you don’t trust him.”

“I mean, I guess if I don’t do it, then we’ll never get to do anything, so....”

“It isn’t about that anymore, it’s about whether you trust Spike.”

“I don’t know of any secrets I’ve told him getting out....”

“Then let him in the club.”

Faustmas Day. Tables were inside Sugarcube Corner. Tables were against the outside walls of Sugarcube Corner. Tables were blocking paths Sugarcube Corner was near. Round white plastic tables with umbrellas littered the streets of Ponyville like cupcake cups. Met with a row of tables that stretched from building to building on her way back to the barn, Applejack skilfully jumped over the tabletops and under the umbrellas.

“Is here good?” Twilight said, levitating a table near the entrance of Sugarcube Corner.

“A bit to your right,” said Pinkie Pie, directly in front of the entrance.

“Here?”

“Just a bit more. Too far. No, back. That’s good.”

“All right. That’s the last one, isn’t it?”

“Yep. Thanks for putting up with my perfectionism.”

“Well, I’m like that myself, so I don’t mind.”

“You can come in if you want. Have some nice, rejuvenating cupcakes.”

“I’m going back home.”

“Okay, see you in a few hours.”

Having nothing else to do, Rainbow Dash was the first famous pony to come to the party. She flew between some umbrella poles at speed to show off to the few who had come earlier, but it was the same trick on repeat, so she only took a minute before coming in to say hi to Pinkie Pie.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie.”

“Hi. Please buy a cupcake or you’ll make Pinkie Pie sad.”

“I’m not hungry. Or carrying any money.”

“I’m sad now.”

“I don’t have anything to cheer you up.”

“Well, if you aren’t even going to try, then just leave.”

She went to a table outside. Soon after, a mare with deep blue fur and a green mane and tail came in. She was wearing sunglasses and had an unused and unlit cigarette in her mouth.

“Welcome to the Sugarcube Corner Faustmas party!”

“Hey,” she said in a rough, almost growling voice that was low for a female, almost like an obviously exaggerated attempt at a male voice. “Have you heard of me?”

“Well, I don’t recognise you.”

She put her forehooves on the counter. “Oh, really.”

“Really!”

“I’m Negafluttershy.”

“I thought that was Rainbow Dash.”

“Ehhht. Wrong. It’s me.”

“So are the other... negasaviours coming soon?”

“I killed ‘em all with my M4 a long time ago.”

“Uh... okay... so do you know what you want?”

She slapped Pinkie. “Does Fluttershy decide quickly?”

“What was that for?”

“Because Fluttershy wouldn’t do it.”

“Then shouldn’t you just be wailing on me right now?”

“Fluttershy has consistent principles.” She got off the counter. “I’ll have a Lemon Bombing.”

“What made you decide to be the opposite of her? Like, how could you hate Fluttershy?”

“Fluttershy would try to answer a question like that. Now where’s the fuckin’ cupcake?”

“I don’t trust that you’ll pay for it.”

Negafluttershy vaulted over the counter and started a hooffight. Rainbow Dash noticed and ran inside to help out. However, by that time, Pinkie was already unconscious. Negafluttershy looked up at Rainbow, staying on the floor.

“Go ahead. Stomp my skull into the floor.”

“Okay.” She did, knocking Negafluttershy unconscious, then went back outside. “Is there anypony who can take Pinkie Pie to a hospital? Or Zecora? Or otherwise fix her? She might just wake up, but I don’t know exactly what happened.”

A unicorn who didn’t sign for release raised her hoof. “I can get her to Zecora.”

“Good, come over here.” She came over. “Just teleport her or whatever. I’m just assuming that because you’re a unicorn, I’m sorry if—” She teleported them away. “Well. What to do now....”

A few minutes later, she came back with a conscious Pinkie Pie.

“Thank you,” Rainbow said. The anonymous pony walked out. “So I’ve been debating what to do with... wait, holy crap. Is this Negafluttershy? I didn’t really think about it.”

“That’s what she said. Why, do you—”

Rainbow sprinted into the kitchen and came back much more slowly with a paring knife in her mouth, the largest type of knife necessary in herbivorous societies.

“Do you really need to kill her?” Pinkie said. “We could just call the police and get her thrown in jail.”

Rainbow put the knife in her hoof. “There’s one way she’s still like Fluttershy.”

“I’ll call them right now. If she wakes up, just do whatever you did to defeat her again.”

She put the knife on the counter. “I agree with you, I just thought of that line.”

“You scared me.”

With that sorted, Rainbow went outside and Pinkie went to call the police. The next significant guests were the Apples.

“Hey, welcome to the party!”

Applejack put twelve bits down. “Three Orange Sunsets and one Chocolate Check.”

She put them on the counter. “You worked here for a day and nopony paid you, just take them.”

“You’re the one in trouble.”

“Really, take them.”

“Ah said Ah was happy to help. Ah didn’t expect anything.”

“Fine....” She took the money. “Have a drunken argument-free Faustmas.”

They went outside and took a table. Secretly, most of them didn’t desire their current state of affairs; Applejack couldn’t keep her eyes off Rainbow nearby, Apple Bloom was mostly waiting for Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to arrive, and Big Mac didn’t really like huge parties and only came because it was still better than being alone on Faustmas. Everyone began to eat.

“It was really impressive balancin’ all the cupcakes on your head,” Apple Bloom said. She was the one who chose a different flavour, shutting her out of the mainstream discussion but giving her absolute power over what she did have.

“Just somethin’ Ah’m good at,” Applejack said. “So what’s your verdict, Big Mac?”

“These aren’t as good as the apple ones.”

“Yeah.”

The next to arrive were Twilight and Spike.

“Hi, ponies! Pony and dragon! I’m not racist, our language—”

“Hey, Spike, are you offended?”

“No.”

“Well, I do care,” Pinkie Pie said. “I can just hear Spike saying ‘politically correct’ at some news right now.”

“We’ll have two Mulberry Murders, one in cupcheesecake form, and two Ravishing Raspberries.”

“The pony just before you got the last mulberry cupcheesecake.”

“Then this might take a while.”

Several minutes later, Zecora came in.

“Hi, Zecora,” Pinkie said.

“I’ll have a Vanilla Ascension,” Twilight and Zecora said.

“We have one left.”

“Then I’ll have a Molasses Meltdown,” Zecora said without hesitation, clearly having come in with a fallback.

“You don’t want to wrestle me?” Twilight said. “Are you scared?”

“You were here first.”

“Okay, I’m just surprised.”

“Would you prefer to fight for it?”

“No, but I am feeling a bit violent today. I’d prefer to fight in general.”

Zecora didn’t know how to respond to that, so she didn’t try.

Twilight couldn’t believe it. Of all ponies, Rainbow Dash was completely open. Not willing to lose out like she so nearly just did, she teleported to the table.

“Hi, Twilight.”

“Hi.”

“How’s your Faustmas been?”

“Not too Faustmassy yet.”

“Yeah, same here.”

“You’re going to love what I got you, though. So much that you’ll... make me... you know what I’m saying. The first one.”

“What?” Spike said.

“It’s a secret.”

“Wait a minute. Our conversation had an ambiguous ending and you didn’t tell him?”

“Well, once I do it, I can’t change my mind. We can’t tell him unless we’re sure.”

“I said I think we should do it. It’s what you said at first too.”

“I was just frustrated.”

“For this to work, he has to know.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that he could still walk into us... doing the secret thing.”

“Well, is it about that or is it about the secret?”

She took them to the treehouse.

“Are you okay, Rainbow?” Twilight said.

“I’m just exhausted after carrying both of you.”

“Anyway, now we can tell you the secret.”

“I’m waiting.”

“Rainbow and I are in love.”

“What?”

“She has a relationship with me and also Applejack. Well, Applejack and also me. Because apparently I’m—”

“It’s about time they got together.”

“What about me?”

“I mean, I know she’s been coming over a lot, but... do you have to be in love?”

“I know it’s shocking.”

“So you aren’t, like... having sex...?”

“We’re only telling you to make it easier for us to have sex. She already has sex with Applejack.”

“Are you sure you’re not fuckbuddies?”

“Yes.”

“I just... it’s hard to take in.”

“Can you look normal if we go back now?”

“I need to be alone for a minute.”

“Okay.”

They went back, this time via teleportation. Two other ponies had taken the table.

“We had this table just a minute ago,” Twilight said. “Please submit to your saviours.”

“This table was vacant when we came here,” one of the ponies said as the other got off and backed away. “It’s ours.”

“Under any other circumstance, you may have a point. But we saved the world.”

“Chadley?” the one who got off said. “Just give it to them. It’s not worth your life.”

“You can’t just let anypony who looks intimidating push you around, Beccarly. Now, I don’t know if you’re really Twilight or an imponiator, but I challenge you to a magic duel.”

“Considering—”

Twilight sent a white cylinder to his head and he fell unconscious.

“You want something to make pulling him around easier?” Twilight said.

“Eh, you can take him. I was on the fence for if he was boyfriend material, but I think I’ve made my mind up.” She walked off.

Twilight teleported away with him and came back without. “Now I can finally eat these.”

Over the next couple hours, nearly the entire rest of Ponyville arrived, as well as a few from adjacent villages. Pinkie Pie stepped outside to the myriad simultaneous conversations.

“Attention, partygoers!” Everyone went quiet. “We are now releasing the Faustmas specials into the open! Today, you are not restricted to cakes! We have fudge! Pudding with ingredients that fade into existence specially for this month! Home fries! Pastry shop fries! Fruitcake, if you can handle the stigma! Hard cider! Soft cider! Brittle cider! Powdery cider! Gingerbread kittens! Nut roast! Sane pony roast! And as if anypony cares, we made trifle!”

Table allegiances had changed dramatically since the beginning. The Apple table, which was now Granny Smith, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and a background character, was now mostly made up of rejects of other tables. As the coolest, Rainbow got in the cool foals’ table automatically and got to nominate two others, one of which had to be an actual foal. She chose Applejack and Scootaloo, leaving those two to decide the final member, who turned out to be Apple Bloom.

“Well, that decision didn’t take long,” Rainbow said. “Now which one of you wants to tell her?”

“Ah’ll do it,” Applejack said.

Apple Bloom was inside Sugarcube Corner, well down the queue but at least in the building, and still far from deciding what to get.

“Hey, Apple Bloom.”

“Hi, AJ. You got somethin’ to tell me?”

“You’re in the cool foals’ table.”

“Ah’d be excahted, but after seein’ who Rainbow picked, Ah can’t be that surprahsed.”

“Hey, Pinkie?”

“Yeah?”

“Apple Bloom’s the last cool foal.” This was relevant, as it meant she didn’t have to suffer through the queue.

“Okay.”

Applejack went back to the cool table.

“So I was crying more than I can ever remember and my hooves were shaking, but I knew I had to kill her or—” Scootaloo said. “Hey, Applejack.”

“Hey.”

Twilight and Cheerilee qualified for Table Two by winning this week’s challenge, with Twilight’s nominee being Spike and Cheerilee’s being Amethyst, apparently a close friend of hers.

“Okay, so I get it’s your decision and she’s your bestie or whatever,” Twilight said, “But she hasn’t been on either major Ponyville celebrity reality show until right now.”

“I finished the puzzle second, so I don’t know what your problem is. I’m trying not to sound angry, but you did the same thing, nopony else has connections to Spike.”

“Yeah, but he’s been on both incarnations of the show. I hadn’t even heard of this pony until you announced your decision.”

“Look, I didn’t expect her to pick me either. I don’t need the limelight, honestly....”

“I didn’t think so either,” Cheerilee said, “But I ended up liking it. So did Fluttershy.”

“You’ll be hoping this leads to more soon enough,” Twilight said. “Anyway, I know I need to calm down about this. So what purple stories do you have, Spike?”

“I ran into this guy who said there were no purple foods. I tried to give him some counterexamples, but those tortilla chips are blue, those grapes ‘you never see in real life, they’re faked’, and aubergines are ‘artificially coloured’.”

“Wow. You went outside?”

“It was her or me,” Scootaloo said, “So I knew there was really no right thing to do, but to this day I still have flashbacks and—hi, Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom took a seat. “Hey, ponies.”

“How did you carry that?” Rainbow said. “I mean, I saw you do it, but... how did you do it?”

“‘Sall in the wrist.”

The quiet table comprised Big Mac and Fluttershy. There weren’t many people there, and they liked it that way. With her best friends having gone on to better things, Sweetie Belle was left at the lame foals’ table, which was her and three of her lesser friends from school. But despite the table politics growing ever more complex, the cool table never voted anybody out, making it all pointless.

Then it was time for the presents. Wait, you do presents before cake? What kind of excuse for a parent are you? Oh, I’m the excuse? You’re the one who drops your foals off at wasting thousands of bits training for a career they’ll never even pursue class. When I bring my foals to wasting thousands of bits training for a career they’ll never even pursue class, I stay there the whole time. Yeah, and you know what you do? You play word games on your phone. That’s it. That’s all I’ve seen you doing the two times I’ve got to stay there because I have a fucking job, anyway.

“Mmmmkay,” said Pinkie Pie, outside in front of a microphone, “So we’ve got all the presents lined up now, who wants to open theirs first?”

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof.

“Sweetie Belle! If that’s you. It’s hard to tell. White filly way over there. Come on up.”

Nothing went hilariously awkward or otherwise wrong with any of the presents.

Chapter 36: The Cutie Mark Crusaders Get Ice Cream

“So that’s why Ah need to see ‘em tomorrow,” Apple Bloom said.

“First we should figure out whah we were knocked out, apparently blahndfolded, and left to wake up bound to this rocky-feelin’ surface,” Applejack said.

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“Ah’m talkin’ about how we’ve blahndfolded an’ left on this rock or whatever it is.”

“We’re on our couch watchin’ the telly.”

“Whoever did this clearly cast some kahnda spell on you, ‘cause—”

“What the hell are you even....”

“When will you be back and what homework do you still need to do?” Rarity said.

“By five, and it’s just some maths I know I can do,” Sweetie Belle said. “They didn’t give us any more than normal and I have the whole weekend, so....”

“It’ll probably be dark by then. Are you sure you’ll make it here all right?”

“It’ll barely be dark, it’s not like it’s midnight.”

“I’m not convinced you’ll be safe.”

“I think you’re unnecessarily worried.”

Meanwhile, Scootaloo sat against a chain-link fence at the intersection where she lived. “I wish I had parents to argue with,” she said.

“Look, whoever did this clearly wants us to get torn apart lahke this,” Applejack said, “So just trust me, all raht?”

“Maybe you should stop your elaborate fuckin’ joke an—who’s that?”

“Yeah, Ah hear somethin’ too.”

“Ah can see ‘er and so can you.”

“Hello,” said the mare. Her green-yellow coat, orange mane, and siren-topped helmet made her stand out from absolutely anything. “You’re probably both wondering why your sister is acting completely crazy.”

“Who the fuck are you?” Apple Bloom said.

“Do you recognise the name... Lavender Honey?”

“No.”

“Ah. Fair enough. But I’m sure Applejack here—”

“No.”

“That was a very uplifting speech,” Rarity said, “But it has nothing to do with the reasons you shouldn’t be out after dark.”

“It’ll be, like, half an hour, I’ll be fine. I mean, look at Scootaloo. She sleeps outside in snow.”

“Whenever it gets cold enough, somepony always—”

“The point is that I can survive walking a few minutes at sunset.”

“Sunset is too dark.”

Sweetie Belle took a couple seconds to think. “Would it make you feel better if I was with an adult? Or a particularly mature teenager?”

“I suppose if Applejack—”

“Or Big Mac.”

“Don’t cut ponies off, Sweetie Belle. But I suppose if Applejack, or whoever, were to walk you, then I would feel a bit more comfortable with it.”

“So I can go?”

“Fine. You can go. Just be back on time and I won’t be mad at you. Actually, one more thing, and this is very important: where are you going?”

“Just to Sweet Apple Acres.”

“Okay. Then you can go.”

“So neither of you know who I am,” Lavender said. “That comes as a bit of a shock, honestly, but I shall tell you. I am Lavender Honey, the ex-wife of a battery salespony known as Joe. When we started the company—”

“Ah don’t care, just fix AJ.”

“Fix me? You’re the one who’s doin’ some—”

“Long story short, since apparently you aren’t interested, I did all of this, and I’m not letting you go until you agree to aid me in accomplishing my dream of—”

“Dream?!” Apple Bloom said.

Apple Bloom woke up on the couch in front of the television, as that was where she accidentally fell asleep the night before watching youth steeplechase. The television was still on and showing the same race she fell asleep to. It was a rerun; steeplechases over eight hours were only ever held for fully-grown ponies. After a quick trip to the bathroom, she continued watching, and eventually Applejack noticed her.

“Hey, Apple Bloom.”

“Hey. Can Ah go on an adventure with Scootaloo an’ Sweetie Belle?”

“Where you goin’?”

“Jus’ to Sparkstown an’ back.”

“Four hours ah walkin’? What kinda adventure is that?”

“Not much, Ah know, but we need to train ourselves before we take on actual epic adventures.”

“Fair enough. Just be back by midnaht.”

“Ah will.”

Apple Bloom continued to watch the race. Soon enough, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo came to the barn, with nothing funny happening in the interim.

“Hey,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi,” said Sweetie Belle, wearing a blue-yellow coat with wool-like but synthetic puffs on the ends of the sleeves and rim of the hood.

“Hi,” said Scootaloo, who was wearing a red-green plastic rain poncho.

“Should Ah get mah coat?” Apple Bloom said.

“I thought that was pretty good,” Scootaloo said.

“You know what Ah mean.”

“Yeah, it’s cold enough.”

“‘Kay.” She departed upstairs, leaving Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to awkwardly look at each other. They hadn’t actually said anything to each other the whole time except for a couple greetings when they coincidentally met each other going to get Apple Bloom. Without either of them saying a word, Apple Bloom came back, wearing a yellow coat with a big red “DHL” on either side.

“Cool,” Sweetie Belle said. Neither of the others got it.

At high noon, they set off for the frigid northern land of Sparkstown. It was only ten kilometres north and only frigid because it was December, but it was a frigid northern land all the same.

“So you were gonna say somethin’?” Apple Bloom said.

“Um, yeah,” Sweetie Belle said, “I was about to say about how I lied to Rarity so I could go on this. I told her I was just going to Sweet Apple Acres.”

“Well, she’s Rarity,” Apple Bloom said. “It’s okay to lah to her.”

“Yeah. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I just feel like it’s a wacky hijink instead.”

“Well, she’s Rarity. It’s okay to lah to her.”

“Yeah. I feel like I should—”

“Ponies,” Scootaloo said.

“Whahuh?”

“Nothing, you just got in a loop.”

“Oh,” Apple Bloom said. “Thanks.”

“‘Pick her up’?” Applejack said into a wall phone.

“Yes. Sweetie Belle said you would pick her up. She didn’t act like you would find it a surprise.”

“Er... hey, Big Mac!” Big Mac came over. “Were you gonna ‘pick up’ Sweetie Belle? ‘Cause that doesn’t even make sense to me, knowin’ what they’re doin’....”

“No.”

“Yeah, neither ah us know what you mean.”

“She said she was going to come to your house.”

“Apple Bloom said....” At that point, she realised the lie. “Yeah, that’s weird. Ah wasn’t told this maht happen.”

“What did Apple Bloom say?”

“No, it must’ve been somethin’ else. Yeah, Ah dunno.”

“Hang on, I’ll ask her again.” She put down the phone. “Sweetie Belle!” Naturally, she didn’t answer. “I’ll call you back in a few minutes when I find her.”

“Okay.”

After many in-jokes, the Cutie Mark Crusaders reached Interpotia, a village of a few dozen houses which was home to Paradise Cream, an ice cream stand primarily known for killing ponies they caught taking notes or pictures about them. There was one pony who put a video up on his blog, and you know what he’s up to now? Seriously, do you know?

The rectangle of the property had a brick wall four metres high all the way around. When the three rounded the corner to the entrance, they saw a red mare keeping a colt to the ground with her telekinesis and stabbing him repeatedly with a spear.

“Thaaat should be good,” the mare said as she pulled the awkwardly-chipped steel tip out for the last time. “Oh, hi. This foal had a tape recorder—er, digital recorder on him and thought I wouldn’t notice.”

“Really?” Scootaloo said. “In the middle of the day? How much of an idiot can you be?”

“I know, right? Crazy. Oh, and what’s with the mare with the notepad there?”

“She knows the deal, she won’t say anything about the inside. We don’t have time now, but we’ll probably get something here tomorrow.”

“Okay. I’ll clean this up and go back to my hiding place, then.”

“Cool.”

They continued on to Sparkstown, and made it without any incident.

“Welp, city limits,” Apple Bloom read. The sign actually said “WELP, CITY LIMITS”.

“Aren’t there usually more buildings and colours around here?” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah, Ah know what you mean, it feels a bit emptier than usual. Wait a minute, did Ah just say a fancier version ah what somepony said?”

“Yes.”

Apple Bloom fell over and then became catatonic.

“Apple Bloom?” Scootaloo said. She pushed gently on one of her legs, but it wouldn’t move. “Hey, Sweetie Belle, can you teleport us to Zecora?”

“The last time I tried teleporting anywhere, it was five metres away to an open field, and I got there with three of my legs.”

“Well, I don’t know what we’re going to do. I guess pester the nearest unicorn.”

“Sounds good.”

The nearest unicorn was trying to dial a phone whilst being an ungulate quadruped. The flat terrain and the middle-class tract housing of Sparkstown continued to provide nothing for a transcriber to comment upon.

“Hey,” Scootaloo said, attempting to snap with a hoof.

“What?” said the bystander who asked that their name, sex, fur colour, and number of foals raped not be revealed. “Two thirds of the Cutie Mark Crusaders? What are you doing here?”

“Apple Bloom said an inflected word and realising it made her freeze. Can you teleport us to Zecora?”

“I went to her once for a thing, so maybe. And just so you know, I’ve raped a lifetime total of zero foals.”

“I don’t know if ‘maybe’ is worth the risk.”

“It’ll be fine, I’m a good teleporter.”

“Let’s find somepony else.”

They found someone else.

“Can you teleport us to Zecora?”

“No.”

The fifteenth pony said yes, and they went there.

“The Cutie Mark Crusaders and one I don’t recognise,” Zecora said. “I see Apple Bloom is... very... I can’t think of a rhyme.”

“Fix her,” Scootaloo said.

After a looking through a few cupboards whilst muttering to herself, Zecora got a potion and poured it down her throat. She got up.

“Er... thanks, Zecora. Sorry for makin’ us fail the adventure, not Zecora.”

“We can just try again tomorrow,” Scootaloo said.

Everyone went home.

The next morning, Scootaloo was eating some slightly mouldy bread she’d procured from a bread bag that had been littered near to her overnight. Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle was eating Magnalarge Oat Rings, a store brand knockoff of Euphorios, with Apple Bloom having their local rival Big Stopmart Apple Rings, a knockoff of Ciderings, Equestria’s only alcoholic cereal. Like most Ciderings ripoffs, this version differed in being soft.

“Sweetie Belle an’ me an’ Scootaloo are goin’ to Paradahse Cream,” Apple Bloom said.

“Sounds good,” Applejack said. “Does it sound good to you, Big Mac?”

“You don’t care, you just want me to say it.”

“Scootaloo and I and Apple Bloom are going to Paradise Cream,” Sweetie Belle said.

“You’re still grounded for sneaking out.”

“I’ll be back in time, don’t worry. I was back in time last time, wasn’t I?”

“You know that wasn’t the problem.”

“No, I don’t.”

“If you defy your grounding, I’m going to start taking things away from you.”

“Like what?”

“I’d rather not tell you.”

After the meal was over, Sweetie Belle went back up to her room. For now, she still had her laptop, so she brought up Vapour, the only vaguely popular chat client in Equestria, and more importantly the one Apple Bloom had.

“Apple Bloom”

“y”

“I have a plan”

“?”

“Maybe you could ask Twilight to threaten Rarity and get me ungrounded? She must like me more than _Rarity_”

“!”

“Ut’s worth a shot”

“k”

“So you’ll try it”

“y”

“Okay”

Spike got the door.

“Hi, Apple Bloom.”

“Hey. Can you get Twahlaht?”

“I’ll see.” He closed the door. “Twiiiliiight!” he said, which was very audible through the door. She came down and he opened it again.

“Hi, Apple Bloom.”

“Sweetie Belle’s grounded. Can you make Rarity unground her?”

“I don’t really care that she’s grounded.”

“Come on. Do it to make Rarity sad.”

“I don’t care.”

“But her against Rarity! Who do you lahke more?”

“Hmm... if you can make it Rainbow Dash against Rarity, I’ll do it.”

“How am I supposed to fahnd her?”

“That’s your problem.” She shut the door.

Apple Bloom decided to go back home, figuring she might come there for sex. That night, someone knocked the door, and she rushed down to answer it.

“Rainbow Dash!”

“Uh... hi. Did you want to see me?”

“Tomorrow, can you tell Twahlaht to make Rarity unground Sweetie Belle?”

“Why should I care about whether Sweetie Belle is grounded?”

Applejack arrived. “What’s goin’ on?”

“Come on. Sweetie Belle versus Rarity. Who would you rather be happy?”

“If you can make it Scootaloo versus Rarity, then I won’t mind.”

“Come on, obviously she’ll support the cause.”

“I need to hear it from her.”

“All raht.” She went back upstairs.

The next day was a school day. Sweetie Belle remained grounded, but it was time to inform Scootaloo of the situation. Only a short exchange between classes was needed.

“Scootaloo.”

“Um... yeah? Why are you talking like—”

“Ah don’t know if you noticed, but Sweetie Belle’s grounded. But if you tell Rainbow Dash you care, it’ll cause a chain reaction ending in her being ungrounded.”

“How?”

“She’ll tell Twahlaht, who’ll then make Rarity do it bah force.”

“How am I supposed to talk to her?”

“Ah dunno, stay with me. There’s a good chance she’ll see AJ.”

“Why?”

“It’s a secret.”

“This sounds like it’s about to collapse and end in a life sentence.”

“Ah’ll be fahne. So you good with the plan?”

“I’ll definitely stay with you.”

“But are you in?”

“Yes.”

The night passed with Rainbow Dash never arriving. The next day, they did exactly the same thing, and that time she did. This time it was Scootaloo who rushed to the door.

“Hi... Scootaloo.”

“I support Sweetie Belle being ungrounded.”

“Oh, it’s about that. I looked for you at your corner today and yesterday, but you weren’t there.”

“Oh. Anyway, you’ll tell Twilight?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.”

The next morning, Twilight came into the Carousel Boutique.

“Hello, Twilight. ...What is that sphere of magic for?”

“I want you to unground Sweetie Belle.”

“What? What difference does it make to you?”

“Rainbow Dash wants it, and her happiness means more to me than yours.”

“Why does she care, then?”

“I don’t know. I think Apple Bloom started it, but maybe it’s a longer chain than that. It doesn’t matter to me, Rainbow said she wants it, so I’m letting her have it.”

“You aren’t actually going to hurt me, are you?”

“Not if you let her go.”

“What are you going to do if I don’t?”

“You want to find out?”

“I mean, you can’t seriously be doing this... this must be a prank or something....”

“I’m serious.”

“You... this can’t actually mean anything to you. I’ll take the chance.”

Rarity had time to reflexively recoil in terror before the white knockout ray hit her. “Hey, Sweetie Belle!”

Sweetie Belle came down. “You knocked her out?”

“Yep. They’re waiting outside.”

She went outside, where they were waiting.

“Hey,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi,” Scootaloo said.

“Hello,” Apple Bloom countered.

“Greetings.”

“Ah am very pleased to meet you, O dearest Sweetie Belle.”

“Salutations, my as always wonderful friend Sweetie Belle. How have the affairs of your life been since we last encountered each other?”

“Sweetie Belle, mah ever lovely—”

“Okay, that’s enough.”

“My dearest friend,” Scootaloo said, “Are you stating to us that you do not enjoy—”

“Yes.”

They made their way to Paradise Cream. No one was being killed this time, so they went along to the ordering window, thinking again of that idiot with the audio recorder.

“The Cutie Mark Crusaders!” said the light brown earth stallion who had worked at the joint since its inception in his unmistakable Andorran accent. “Welcome once again.”

Apple Bloom turned to the others. “What do we want?”

“Usual,” Scootaloo said.

“Interpotiacone,” Sweetie Belle blurted out her usual because she was under pressure to pick something and it’s not like she could just keep them waiting because that would be so awkward.

The sister of Twilight’s girlfriend’s primary girlfriend turned back. “A blueberry pah crust, an Interpotiacone, and an apple skin.”

“All right, I’ll get that right out.”

“Really, Apple Bloom?” Scootaloo said. “Do you really need more apply foods in your life?”

“Whah change perfection?”

“It seems to me like you should take whatever chance you get not to eat apples. Well, I doubt the ice cream from here actually has real apples, but you know what I mean.”

“Don’t go tellin’ me how to live, it’s not like Ah weigh a ton or somethin’. Really, Ah should be tellin’ you how ta live. Ah mean, you sleep outsahde in snow.”

“Whenever it gets dangerously cold, I’m always at—”

“It’s always dangerously cold in winter without some kinda clothes. And are you at somepony’s house every single day all the tahme? No, you aren’t. So how do you not freeze to death?”

“Usually I have clothes. Like I do right now.” They were all wearing the same clothes from the last expedition. “I’m fine, so just let me handle my own life, okay? I know what I’m doing.”

“Ponies,” the stallion said. They all looked towards him and Sweetie Belle took the cups. They went to sit against the brick wall.

“How’s yours since it’s all new for us?” Apple Bloom said to Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo was clearly too excited about having food to have complex thoughts, much less articulate them.

“I haven’t even tried it yet.” Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and lowered her head over the swirl of ice cream to get as much of it as she could take in her mouth without vomiting, a limit she knew all too well. Everything else quickly vanished from her mind to focus on licking the ice cream, sometimes sucking it a little, in as many places as possible. Maybe she would find that perfect small area, or maybe travelling all around would be best, but whichever way that would end up going, she was very pleased and relaxed by the simple yet supremely satisfying taste of the ice cream in her mouth.

“Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom said. “You okay?”

She stopped working on the ice cream and looked at Apple Bloom. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why, was there a reason to think I wasn’t?”

“Your ahs were closed and you seemed a bit lost in... well... never mahnd. How is it?”

“It’s really good. It’s definitely, like, one of the best flavours I’ve ever had. Um, you remembered to pay him, right?”

“Uh... hold this.”

Apple Bloom went to the window, got the money out of her pocket on the second try, and came back to an eager and anxious Sweetie Belle and an already finished Scootaloo. Sweetie Belle gave the ice cream back.

“I need to get a new box sometime soon,” Scootaloo said. “Preferably one that I can fit in without it almost breaking like the last one I had.”

“You can stay with me if it gets too cold,” Apple Bloom said.

“You can stay with me if it gets too cold,” said Sweetie Belle.

“I do like the potential of annoying Rarity with my homeless dirtiness,” Scootaloo said, “But I also like having my homeless dirtiness tolerated with Sweet Apple Acres. There’s probably somewhere where I can annoy and be tolerated....”

Sweetie Belle said “Would Fluttershy be annoyed?”.

“She’s way too sympathetic and fluffy to get annoyed about helping a homeless foal.”

“Then I don’t know.”

The two unfinished continued to eat, and they all talked about things like the council and their stupid decision on milk and how much of a bitch Stacey is. Things that only people who went to the same school would understand. That took up the rest of their time together, leaving nothing of interest for a general audience.

Chapter 37: Time Marches On

“That’s why you missed the first class?” Cheerilee said.

“It was for the greater attendance good,” Scootaloo said. “We missed one class so that Sweetie Belle could appear for so many more.”

“You wouldn’t have made a detour in the first place if that’s what you cared about.”

“Well, it was that or nothing. We improved attendance, so you should be happy.”

“This isn’t about attendance statistics, it’s about two foals missing a class for no good reason and one more defying her guardian.”

“So you’d prefer if she wasn’t here today?”

“All three of you acted irresponsibly, and I’d prefer if this had never happened.”

“So yeah, you would. ‘Oh, I’d like for her to be learning things like all the others, but it would just be so awkward.’”

“I don’t support foals ignoring a punishment and coming up with the excuse of ‘improving attendance’.”

“Hey, I came up with this excuse, not her, and I deserve the credit. And if keeping some crazy guardian who keeps her foal away from school as a punishment happy means more to you than spreading knowledge, I’m not sure you should even be here.”

“Well, I’m not convinced by your argument. I’m sentencing all three of you to one hour of detention on each of the next five school days.”

“Five hours?! That’s ludicrous! We didn’t miss anywhere near that much. I’m appealing this!”

At the headmaster’s office, they had the exact same conversation.

“This isn’t in proportion to the crime!”

“I didn’t appreciate your lie about the ‘greater good’.”

“Oh, so if I was apologetic and flattering, that would mean more than giving an actual reason?”

“You know what you’re doing.”

Two days later, it continued.

“All right,” Cheerilee said, “You passed the test.”

“Yep,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah did the thing Ah missed, so can Ah go now?”

“No.”

“Well, what’s the point of keepin’ me here? Just punishment? That’s a crappy reason.”

“I don’t want you to do this again.”

“Oh, good ahdea, teach the foals consequences. Don’t avoid it ‘cause it’s wrong, avoid it ‘cause you’ll end up in jail.”

“Well, moral arguments obviously wouldn’t work with you.”

“Yeah, well... okay.”

Speaking of immorality, Apple Bloom had an evil idea to execute, with no reasons other than revenge and a love of violence. As they left the building together, she detailed the plan.

“Ah’m gonna do somethin’ to Dahmond Tiara.”

“Like?” Scootaloo said.

“Ah dunno. Somethin’ vahlent.”

“Like?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Hurt ‘er.”

“Like slap her or chop her leg off?” Scootaloo said.

“Not sure yet. But you’ll help me kidnap ‘er, right?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t see the point,” Sweetie Belle said.

“‘Cause she deserves it and it’ll be fun. Lahke, if you just wanna lah in a room and eat gels your whole lahfe, go for it, but Ah’m gonna have fun.”

“Well... obviously I don’t care about her, so if it’ll make you happy....”

“Exactly. If you say no, you’re pretty much sayin’ that you’d rather have her have that happiness.”

“I’ll help.”

By the time she made it home, Apple Bloom still had no idea how long or severe the torture should be. During the night, she came up with some general ideas of what to do, all of which were scribbled on a piece of paper and crossed out sometime later, and she went to bed not knowing how she would track Diamond Tiara until she was alone, take her somewhere without anyone noticing, or what to do to her afterwards.

The next day, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were talking between classes, because that’s what they always did between classes. Most students of the school were firmly divided into groups of three or four friends who rarely talked to the others, which when combined with everyone’s obviously limited life experience resulted in the more than occasional extreme opinion.

“Of course anypony caught transporting beets should be executed,” Scootaloo said. “You’re acting like that’s some weird thing to say.”

“Sorry,” Apple Bloom said. “So to back to Dahmond, you said you had an ahdea?”

“I’m just wondering, what if she gets hungry? How long before you give her food?”

“Implahin’ ever....”

“Well, that puts an upper limit on how long you’re keeping her.”

“Yeah, but Ah wasn’t thinkin’ about overnaht anyway.”

With no one having any ideas, the conversation abruptly ended. Apple Bloom left school with no more ideas than before, but as she walked home, she stepped on a littered bag of crisps. “Wait a minute...” she said to herself, “That’s it! Ah’ll... okay, don’t get too excahted, you still have to work out how you’re foalnappin’ ‘er. But still!”

However, she would never figure out how to kidnap her. Over the next fortnight, her thoughts gradually dropped the subject, and she never tried to abduct anyone after all.

THE END

Chapter 38: Four Tickets

“Twilight!” Spike said. “Check out what was in the mail!”

“What?”

“Four tickets for the Gala de Pâtisson!”

“But which one of my friends will I leave out?”

“That’s the point of the episode!”

“Wait, did you say Twahlaht? Ah’m Apple Bloom.”

“Oh. Huh, you looked like Twilight for a minute. And how did we get in jail?”

A guard walked by. “Apple Bloom and Spike?! How did you get in jail?”

After being kicked out of jail, Spike went back to the treehouse.

“Twilight? I’m home.”

She teleported down. “Spike! Where were you?”

“In jail.”

“How did that happen?”

“I don’t know. I went to sleep and woke up in jail. Apple Bloom was there too.”

“That’s odd. Hey, what’s in your hand?”

“Four tickets for the Gala de Pâtisson.”

“But which one of my friends will I leave out?”

“That’s the point of the episode.”

“I know, but it’s a tough decision. I can’t leave myself out because I’m the ticket holder and that would be really weird... I’ll talk to everypony tomorrow and see if anypony has commitments or something.”

The next day, it was almost time to hope everyone was home.

“All right, let’s do it,” Twilight said. “And by let us, I mean let me. Not that you could stop me from doing anything. Nopony could, I’m Twilight. They’re all at my mercy.”

“What?”

“See you soon.”

The first stop was Sugarcube Corner, and indeed, Pinkie Pie was at her post.

“Hi, Twilight.”

“There are four tickets. Why should I choose you?”

“When is... the thing?”

“The train leaves at eleven o’clock tomorrow and—”

“I’ll be here, so don’t pick me.”

“Your opinion will be considered in the final decision.”

As she went out of the building, Twilight saw Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow Daaash!” she said, only for Rainbow to either not hear or plainly ignore her.

Fluttershy was next. Twilight came in without knocking or otherwise giving any warning.

“Hello, Twilight,” Fluttershy said in a tone that was just a smile away from seeming evil.

“Hi. Uh... do you spend a lot of time standing in your living room?”

“Not a lot.”

“Anyway, there are four tickets, do you want to come?”

“I’ll be Fluttershy and not come.”

“Sounds good.”

When she came back out, Rainbow Dash landed in front of her.

“Hey, Twilight. I was just here to hope-crushingly tell Fluttershy that everything we did together last night didn’t mean anything to me.”

“There are four tickets, do you want to come?”

“I’ll be Rainbow Dash and come.”

“Sounds good.”

At Sweet Apple Acres, no one responded to Twilight’s knocking; Apple Bloom was at school, and the other two were Apple-fucking. She tried to come in, but the door was locked. With two places filled and one possible, she went back home.

“Hi, Spike.”

Spike looked over his shoulder. “How did you know I’d be right here?”

“Uh... in the front room?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t, I just came inside. Through the entrance.”

“But I’m never just here! How did you know?”

“I... didn’t. Look, there’s a free ticket, you want one?”

“Sure.”

After a light lunch of “rolling salad”, something very delicious to those raised in Equestria but so revolting to anyone else that the ingredients are best left unspecified to those who don’t already know, she checked back on Applejack.

“Hi, Applejack.”

Applejack opened the door. “How did you know it was me?”

“Magic.” She actually guessed and hoped it would look impressive. “There are four tickets, do you want the last one?”

“Sure.”

“Good. Be at Sunnyside Station by eleven tomorrow.”

“Ah will.” She closed the door.

“Shit, I forgot to tell everypony else that.”

Most of the episode happened again. Afterwards, Spike was lying on the couch watching combat sports and eating tortilla chips two at a time, perfect comedy material.

“Ever since we harnessed electricity, you’ve been a lot lazier,” Twilight said.

“I still do everything you tell me.”

“Get off the couch.”

“No.” She gave him a moment to realise the point. “Fine.” He got off.

“Get on your hands and knees.”

“Uh....” He did.

“Bark like a puppy.”

“Rrrauf!”

“You want a biscuit?”

He nodded. She teleported away, came back after a moment with a long box of biscuits, and took one out. It was rectangular, about seven centimetres long, and had a pale yellow colour. “You know what to do.”

“No, I don’t. I’m just doing this to show what I’ll do.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry, I do this with Rainbow sometimes, I was thinking of that.”

“Uh....”

“Anyway, I guess you’ve proven yourself.”

“Even though I don’t know what to do?”

“Yeah.”

Sunnyside Memorial Station was named after Sunnyside Grey-McCloud, who had killed the previous pony the station was named after. The argument that technically, to continue the line, the name should be Stupidity on a Motorcycle Station had never had many supporters.

It was a very boring place, with white walls, benches, a big high-up clock in the middle, a few boards with some times, and nothing pretty. The argument that technically, building it in the style of a bus stop would have been just as functional but much cheaper was correct, as the many restaurants and other stores that would clearly come and plant themselves there to make it a mall-station combination had in fact not. Two of the mall-like spaces were taken, one by a sandwich shop which actually did fairly well due to being literally the only place to get food, and another by a few ponies in sleeping bags who occasionally threw some money at the owner so they wouldn’t get kicked out. The term “rent” was sometimes used, which often gave a false impression of something regulated or reported as income.

Twilight and Spike had been sitting for a few minutes very bored, and they both wished something would just happen. Unfortunately, it did.

“Holy crap, Twilight and Spike?” said a pony who came up to them because they looked like Twilight and Spike.

“Um, no,” Twilight said. “That happens a lot.”

“You sure sound like Twilight.”

“I know. It’s caused some pretty annoying situations.”

Rainbow Dash came in. “Hey, Twilight!”

All three of them were smothered for autographs by at least six ponies each. After a minute, Rainbow was able to join the other two.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said.

“Hi....”

None of them said anything about what had just happened, as it was too common to be worth any sort of remark. A few minutes later, Applejack came in, dealt with it, and met the others.

“Have you tried new Cinnamon Lattices?” Spike said.

“Ah have. They’re shit.”

“Hey, my sp... favourite cereal is not shit. I happen to enjoy it.”

“Well, Ah ain’t really on the fence about it, so fahnd somepony else to bother.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack sat together on the train, Applejack having taken the aisle seat in exchange for Rainbow doing that weird thing with a toothbrush holder. Meanwhile across the aisle, Spike was reading a Land Mall catalogue, the slight frown of apparent contentment on his face actually of moderate amusement. In the adjacent seat, Twilight was reading an article in the normal magazine entitled “Middle 100 Games of All Time”.

“Y’know, Spike’s readin’,” Applejack said.

“You just want me to look away from this window.”

“Ah’m serious, look.”

“Look away from this window.”

“You do know Ah’m Applejack.”

“Fine.” She looked in the other direction. “Holy crap.”

“See?”

“Can I go on a self-hatred trip about how I’m sorry I didn’t trust you?”

“You’re Rainbow Dash, you think Ah like ya ‘cause you’re soppy?”

“Okay.”

The Gala de Pâttison wasn’t held in a fancy palace in a big city, but in a fancy convention centre in a moderately-sized city. Despite the buffets, socialisation, and proper yet relaxed atmosphere, it was supposed to be a convention and not much of a gala, with the occasional serious discussion about budgets and other boring subjects of country management. The argument that technically, it should just be the politicians and scientists and that inviting famous ponies the organisers liked was pointless missed the entire point of inviting them: without them, there was less of the “I do rich stuff” atmosphere that made most of the attendees willing to head over and tolerate the boredom in the first place.

A very plain political map with a dotted line roughly showing the train’s path appeared on the screen, although it weaved in a much wider fashion than the actual route. The next shot was the train stopping at Kolja Train Station, as it was affectionately known. This one knew what it was, and was indeed a bit of concrete and a bus stop structure on either side. Once the group stepped out, they were mobbed for autographs.

“That was a tedious half hour,” Twilight said. “Anyway, I think the building’s that way.”

They followed her, and half an hour later, they were at the entrance to the city’s ski resort.

“This doesn’t look right,” Twilight said. “Hey, Spike, give me the map.” He handed her a printed street map. “So this is Paradsnow, and... oh, I took a left there. Okay.”

They went half an hour in roughly the opposite direction and ended up at the correct address, after getting tackled for autographs three times.

They went through the two pairs of double doors into a lobby, which included floor tiles of ten seemingly randomly arranged colours, two receptionists equipped with computers, and some potted plants in the corners.

“Attention!” said one of them. “Today, you may not step on any yellow tiles.”

“Go to the elevator, it’s floor 16,” said the other, not looking away from his computer. “Oh, and don’t think about teleporting or flying.”

They began to slowly make their way across. It was five metres to the elevator, with the tiles ten centimetres to a side. After thirty seconds, they were all about halfway across, and there was a brief, dull buzz. One of the receptionists levitated Spike to his face. “Your right little toe contacted a yellow tile,” he said before dropping him down a chute behind the desk. “You will receive him when you leave. If any of you do leave, of course.”

The rest made it to the elevator, and Twilight pressed 16. The door opened to reveal a single room, five metres in all dimensions, all sides painted black, lit by a couple of fluorescent tubes in the ceiling. They stepped inside. On the centre of the floor, there was a piece of A4 paper folded in half, and Twilight opened it.

“Dear Twilight and her chosen, there is no ‘Gala de Pâtisson’, and this was all by us to make an episode. If Rainbow Dash is here, tell her I’ll do anything, cheesy74.”

“Well, that sucks,” Applejack said. “So what do we do now?”

“I don’t know,” Twilight said. “Wanna kill some ponies and take their money?”

“Why stop at money?” Rainbow Dash said.

“Well, we don’t have to. Whatever we find, obviously.”

“Can’t we just incapacitate ‘em without death?” Applejack said. The other two looked at her blankly. “Just jokin’....”

They went down and did the course back, Twilight taking Spike along the way. Once they got outside, she put him down. There were long, thin wounds on his palms, several blisters on his chest, and he hadn’t stopped crying since they got him back.

“What did they do to you?” Twilight said.

“I don’t want to think about it any more than I already am.”

“Okay. We’re going to kill ponies, does that sound fun?”

“Yes....”

“So who are we killing?” Rainbow said. “Do any of these passersby look good?”

“I’d rather break into that house across the road.”

That house wasn’t particularly inviting. The wood it was made of was unpainted and not in any way smoothed, and foliage completely blocked the view except for the roof. They crossed the road and came up to the door. The garden was nondescript, the only significant feature a tyre swing that hadn’t been used for years.

“You gonna laser around the door or somethin’?” Rainbow said.

“I say we knock,” Twilight said. “Then we can come in and not draw attention by lasering somepony’s door off.”

“How would lasering somepony’s door off not draw attention?”

“Okay, you know what I mean.”

Twilight knocked the door. After a minute, just before she was about to knock again, hoofsteps were heard, and a turquoise earth mare got the door. Her mane and tail were light grey.

“Half the world-saviours and Spike?!”

“Hi,” Twilight said. “We have the show with us, you’ll notice, can we come in?”

“Yeah, um, holy crap, obviously I didn’t expect... honey!” That was a call for her romantic partner, not her suddenly realising “honey” for something. After some more hoofsteps, a disturbingly Octavia-coloured stallion came into view.

“What is it, glucose–fructose syrup? Wait, half the world-saviours and Spike?!”

“Yeah!”

“Holy crap!”

“I know!”

Everyone came in.

“So what brings you here?” the mare said.

“Your money,” Twilight said.

“What?”

“We’re going to steal all of your valuables.”

“Then we demand autographs in return. Right, honey?”

“There’s no way we can just let you leave.”

“Then we’ll just have to kill you. Or knock you out, I guess.” She giggled. “Knock you out. I can’t believe I said that. Yeah, we’re not letting you live. Unless you give us everything, of course.”

“We want autographs.”

Applejack lunged at the mare and sent them both to the floor. Twilight magically strangled the stallion, who countered by trying to clutch his neck, falling over because he was a quadruped, and losing consciousness. With the mare restrained, Rainbow crushed her skull into the floor, giving her flashbacks to the party a week ago. Applejack got back up.

“I’ll kill them,” Twilight said, “The rest of you look for stuff.”

The other three went away, then Twilight electrocuted the couple and spent the next minute and a half doing nothing. Rainbow came back.

“There are a couple of foals asleep upstairs.”

“So? Just leave them.”

“What did you do to the victims?”

“I electrocuted them.”

“You couldn’t’ve done that before?”

“I didn’t want to leave you out of the killing. Now keep searching.”

She left. After a while, Twilight got hungry, and she went to the adjacent kitchen to rummage through the cupboards.

“Powdered chips... cheese balls... salt soup... okay, is there anything in there for Twilight? Come on, they wouldn’t have been alive in the first place if this was all they had.” The mess on the floor she was making as she tossed things behind her was itself not for Twilight. “Well, there’s some trail mix, that’s all right... really, is there any... they can’t just eat snacks, come on. There’s got to be something you prepare.” She gave it another minute, then gave up and checked the refrigerator. “Okay, this looks better. There’s, like, ingredients... oh, this looks good.”

After getting herself a bowl of fruit salad, she went back to the living room to wait for the next report. Eventually, Applejack came in with a purse and dropped it in front of her.

“You have food?”

“No, this is a hologram.”

“You must be gettin’ so hungry standin’ all the tahme.”

“I’ll call it over soon. Now get back to work.”

A while later, the bowl formerly of fruit salad long since in the sink, Twilight decided she was bored and the purse was fine.

“Everypony come here!” They did make their way there. “This marks the end of the search. Applejack, as the only one to find anything, you win immunity.”

“What?”

“There’s hundreds of bits in here and I’m bored, so that’s enough.”

“So... tahme to go home?”

“Pretty much.”

Their train crashed and killed everyone on board, ending the universe.

Chapter 39: Dawn of Revenge

With no large beds available, Twilight and Rainbow Dash had once again decided to have sex on the floor. Spike was downstairs featherdusting the entire house, the “aah”s of various volumes a minor annoyance.

“Twilight?” Rainbow managed to get out in between coughs. “You can’t—”

“What’s stopping me?” She pushed Rainbow’s muzzle back to her genitalia. “And before you say it again, I don’t care what you’re actually talking about. I told you, I’m Twilight.”

If Rainbow was paid a decent wage for being a fake rape victim, she would never have to work. And she was, at the moment, but not all of her sex could make it into an episode. The new show’s company had considered selling all the extra sex footage they had as pornography, but doing it with world-saviours would either make them tons of money or cause so much controversy it would ruin them, and the money already rolling in from the world-saviour reality show wasn’t something anyone wanted to risk.

Eventually the sex had to end, if for no other reason than Equestria’s planet’s star expanding and cooking everything, but the actual reason it happened was even more unlikely.

“Am I done now?” Rainbow said.

“Yes.”

“Well, if—wait, yes?”

“Yes.”

She got up. “Freyja, all I can smell is your fucking fluids....”

Twilight, meanwhile, got further down, now lying on the floor instead of sitting. “Will you stay here tonight? I mean, this is better than a cloud, isn’t it? Seriously, I’ve never slept on a cloud, I don’t know.”

“Clouds are nice, but beds are way bedder.”

“Thanks. I don’t want to feel lonely.”

“You had to be forced by the state to make friends.”

“I’ve changed.”

And so they did sleep together, although not on the same bed. Twilight was already well underway with reading something when Rainbow got up.

“Hi, Rainbow. Can you stay here for the next year?”

“I’m pretty much gonna brush my teeth and leave.”

“Come on.”

“No.”

And so she did morning things and left. It was too cold to do anything physical, which meant her favourite activity was out, so she went to the next one down: no activity at all, or lying on a cloud and relaxing.

“What should I do today?”

“Okay, Rainbow Dash, say what you just said there, but don’t look at the camera. This is supposed to be a sickening, store-bought, overiced slice of life, not feel like a reality show.”

She looked in a different direction. “What should I do today?”

“Not directly away from the camera, like perpendicular to it. Just looking into the distance. Don’t have a thousand-yard stare kinda thing, though, just relaxed like you’re not fixated on a specific point anywhere.”

Rainbow faced the way instructed and tried to make a calm, contemplating expression. “What should I do today?”

“No, say it like you said it before, like it’s come to you just now naturally. You’re saying it like you’re reading from a script.”

She took a second to concentrate. “What should I do today?”

“Perfect, we’ll use that.”

Big Mac answered his door.

“Can we have sex?” Applejack said.

“No.”

“Fahne. Say, what’s that thing you’re leavin’ for in a few hours about?”

“It isn’t important.”

“You can tell your sister stroke lover.” He closed the door. “What is it? You can tell me. Ah’ve killed ponies, you know, Ah’m sure it’s okay.” There was no response, and she went back to her room. “Well, now Ah have half an hour to fill. Ah hate havin’ so much free tahme. Wait, what? What’s wrong with me? Ah’m goin’ to Zecora.”

She tried to go to Zecora, but got killed by one of the dangerous forest things on the way.

“Hello,” Zecora said.

“Hey.” She came in and closed the door.

“How did you hurt yourself this time?”

“Ah’m fahne, but... don’t kill me when Ah say this, Ah’ll explain mahself... but there’s a good thing that Ah don’t like.”

“Explain yourself.”

“Ah have too much free tahme and Ah don’t know how to use it.”

“You don’t watch enough poorly-lit online videos.”

“Trust me, that ain’t the problem.”

“Blogs? Video games?”

“Ah don’t read any blogs.”

“See? There’s the problem. Now go.”

“Don’tchya get lonely in here?”

“Leave.”

“Ah have one more question. Do you know anythin’ about Big Mac an’ his thing he won’t tell me? You know what Ah’m talkin’ about? Three o’ clock?”

“Yes. He has an embarrassing injury.”

“Then shouldn’t he be here as soon as he can?”

“It isn’t a thing that’ll get worse. Now leave.”

“But still, whah would he delay it in the first place?”

“You’d have to ask him. Leave or I’ll break a potion over your head.”

She left.

Rainbow Dash had decided what to do today: fuck Applejack. She gave her favourite door, the front door of the Sweet Apple Acres house, a knock it would definitely feel in the morning. Applejack came down.

“Big Mac’ll be gone in a few minutes,” she whispered. “Just... be back then.”

In a few minutes, she came back.

“Big Mac’ll be gone in a few seconds. Just... be back then.”

In a few seconds, she came back.

“BigMac’llbegoneinherehecomes.”

“What are you doing?” Big Mac said.

“It’s... an in-joke. Years to explain. Have fun.”

He left and Rainbow came in. Without a word, they went up to Applejack’s room.

“Hey, I don’t know if I’ve told you this,” Rainbow said.

“Yeah?”

“I have a relationship with Twilight.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Ten days ago, somethin’ like that, I made her my side girl.”

“Oh. So Ah’m still the one?”

“Of course.”

“Well, Ah guess Ah can’t complain.”

“It’s just, since it’s another romantic relationship....”

“It’s good.”

“So, apart from all that... you aren’t at least shocked we love each other?”

“You have been talkin’ about her a lot. It seems lahke you live there.”

“I guess... you’re not mad that I cheated on you, though?”

“Ah cheated on you then told you after ten days too.”

“You know, we’re so perfect for each other.”

They had sex.

Chapter 40: Novel Rut

Twilight was in her bedroom, stuck on a spell. Each time, she would read the instructions more carefully, cast it more carefully, fail, and swear.

“Okay... so think like you’re—that’s what I did. And then... wait, why can’t you do that? That makes about as much sense as creating matter by thinking hard enough. Whatever, I guess I’ll do it again....” She made a purple ball of magic appear for a second, then it disappeared. “Fuck.”

Spike came up. “Are you still trying to cast Deep Violet?”

“It’s hard, all right? What hard things have you tried lately? Nothing. So don’t be making fun of me when you’ve never even—”

“I’m not making fun of you, I’m just confused about what use you could have for it.”

“One, because it’s another way to kill ponies, and B, because it’s really irritating that I’m having so much trouble learning it and I can’t let it win.”

“Yeah, you can already kill ponies, so what’s the point? And didn’t you say it’s supposed to take a long time to learn a death spell?”

“Yeah, but I’ve never felt so stuck before. I wish some pony I loved would come in here and calm me down and offer motivational services.”

“Well, I hope you make a breakthrough.”

Twilight waited a minute, then went on the balcony. “Since you clearly didn’t hear me the first time,” she said to the sky, currently sunset amber, “I said I wish some pony I loved would come in here and calm me down and offer motivational services. You know what you did after I said ‘it can only go well’ yesterday, so I think it’s time you paid me back.”

Ten seconds later, Rainbow Dash came into view, and she flew to meet Twilight.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash.”

“Hi. I heard you yelling at the sky for me, so I decided I’d come.”

They went inside. “You want to have sex, right?”

“I just came here to feel like I’m doing something.”

“Is that a yes?”

“It’s a no.”

“Well, there’s something else I want.” She levitated the book over. “Look.”

“It’s a bunch of big words.”

“I’ve been trying to learn this spell all day and I feel hopeless. I’ve tried every possible combination, every weird interpretation of every sentence, nothing works.”

“Well, I’m not the one to go to for this. Maybe this just isn’t your day?”

“But it’s going to be in my head until I can figure it out. I’ll just get more stressed. You can at least give me some generic motivational talk, right?”

“No.”

“Well, if you can’t do that or have sex, then you’re useless and I want you to leave. Right now. I hate you.”

“Okay.”

And so nothing was changed from the situation one minute ago. Two days passed, and Twilight was still obsessed with the spell, having looked for it in numerous books and online sources, which all either didn’t have it or paraphrased the original book she used.

“If the weather forecasts are to be believed,” Twilight said, “It’s going to be a cloudy night. It’s a good thing I want it to be as clear as possible.”

“Why does it need to be as clear as possible?” Spike said.

“Because then Rainbow Dash won’t have a place to sleep.”

“Why would that be a good thing?”

“Because she’ll come here.”

“That didn’t work out last time.”

“Well, maybe she’ll be horny this time.”

“But then she’d come over anyway.”

“But what if she’d rather sleep on a cloud?”

“Then you don’t want her to be happy.”

Twilight sighed. “I lost an argument with Spike.”

“So? He’s pretty good at it.”

“I’ll see you in a bit.” Her horn glowed for a second, then she passed out.

Four minutes later, Rainbow Dash flew in.

“Hey, Spike. What’s up with Twilight?”

“She knocked herself out for losing an argument with me.”

“Er... seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay....”

By the time Twilight woke up, Rainbow was already asleep.

“Oh, wow. That’s nice.”

“You aren’t going to wake her up, are you?”

“Of course not, but still. Really, I should look on the bright side, I can do asleep Rainbow Dash stuff.”

“Like...?”

She slowly lifted the blanket off. “Dammit, she’s face-down. Chest-down, anyway. How am I supposed to clop to this?”

“Don’t?”

“Spike, I’m gonna fucking explode if I don’t clop.”

“That’s how you always feel after you wake up. You’ll be fine.”

She stepped up to the bed, then looked back at him. “I’m gonna clop. Get out of here.”

He weighed his options for a brief moment and left the room. Twilight sat down and clopped, then she was bored instead of horny. With reading just frustrating, she was rapidly running out of activities, and she sat there for a minute simply wondering what to do. She could read something else. She could do something besides reading, if she was really bored. But there was only one thing she wanted to read, and there was only one other thing she could convince herself she felt like, and Spike hadn’t done anything worthy of torture recently.

A couple hours later, Rainbow got up.

“Twilight? Oh, there you are.”

She was on the upper bunk, reading a plain brown book with no text on the cover. “We’re having sex or you’re leaving.”

“Just let me wake up.” She went downstairs, and after a couple minutes came back up. “Hi, I woke up.”

“I want to eat one of your feathers.”

“What?”

“Your feathers. I want to pluck one off and eat it.”

“Er... can feathers be consumed by ponies?”

“Yes, I’ll live.” She came down. “Can I have one? Please?”

“Um....” She took a feather and put her hoof out. “Here.”

Twilight took it with magic and put it in her mouth. The atmosphere gradually became static and quiet as she, with closed eyes, took her time to chew the feather and extract every last bit of flavour out of it, whilst Rainbow stood in front of her and watched. After a minute, literally, she swallowed the feather and opened her eyes.

“Did you... like that?”

Twilight tackled her and kissed her, and sex ensued. Twilight’s orgasm scream was audible to everyone in a seven-kilometre radius.

“I love you,” Twilight said as they continued to cuddle.

“What?”

She tightened it into a hug. “I looove you.”

“I can’t... let me go.” She did, and Rainbow got up. Rainbow tapped the floor a few times. “I can’t hear anything. I can’t hear myself talking right now. I think you made me go deaf.”

“Um... go to Zecora?”

“What?”

“Uh....” She went downstairs, came back with a pencil and paper, and wrote “ZECORA”.

“That’s what I was thinking. Can you teleport us there?”

She shook her head.

“But it’s nighttime. Something’s definitely going to eat me.”

“Then wait until tomorrow,” she wrote.

“I mean, I guess I don’t have to hear anything tonight....”

“See? You’ll be fine.”

“I don’t think I’m coming over again for a while, though.”

“Sorry.”

“I don’t care.”

The next day, she went to Zecora, who had to go all the way to the very furthest point of her house from where she was to get the door.

“What’s the problem?”

“I’m deaf.”

“I don’t have anything for that.”

“So? What can you do?”

Zecora shook her head.

“No? You mean you can’t do anything?”

She nodded.

“I can’t just be deaf forever. Is there anything I can do besides go to you?”

She shook her head.

“Fine. I’m gonna go back to Twilight and beat her with a blunt thing. Because it’s her fault, not because I’m abusive. Well, both, I guess.”

She went back to the treehouse.

“Rainbow! You did come back!”

“Zecora couldn’t fix it, so I’m gonna beat you with a blunt thing. Wait, what are you cast—”

“Okay, now what? Uh... I could take her to the normal hospital. Could they do anything? Would I look like an idiot for bringing her there? Where else can I go? You know what, I’ll just take her to the normal hospital, and if they laugh at me, I’ll kill them all.”

She teleported directly into the lobby of the normal hospital.

“Can you do anything?” she said to the receptionist.

“What’s the problem?”

“I made—there was a really loud noise unrelated to me and now she’s deaf.”

“Why is she unconscious?”

“Can you fix her?”

“We can fix the unconsciousness.”

“That won’t be necessary.”

She teleported back.

“Well, now what I can do?” She dumped Rainbow off her back. “Hope it’s only temporary? That’s all I can do, really. But if it’s not, then... then I guess I’ll get depressed, and then everypony will try to fix me and pretty much the world’s greatest therapists will all try to help because I’m Twilight, but nothing, therapy, pills, nothing can ever fix the cause of my depression so I’ll just be sad despite everything science has to throw at me and I can’t even kill myself because the universe will end so I’ll pretty much literally be in hell.”

She put Rainbow on her favourite bed, she thought until she realised it was probably Applejack’s, got cozy in her own favourite bed, and hoped really, really hard. The next morning, Twilight was brushing her teeth and—wait, is this just two minutes of someone brushing their teeth? I swear, you keep Jerry in charge for five minutes and this is what always happens. And now transcriber #2 is complaining that that joke wasn’t funny enough. Because it wasn’t. Yes, it fucking was, not everything we type has to be basic facts. “It’s kind of our job”, she says, when this show is supposed to be funny so our job is to be funny. I think we should make the text version worth reading, not just a lesser version of the actual show. Anyway, Twilight was around when Rainbow got up.

“Rainbow? Uh, fuck, where is it?” She looked around in a slight panic.

“Twilight?”

“What?”

“I can hear you.”

She looked at Rainbow. “Really?”

“Yeah. I guess it wasn’t permanent. I’m still going to beat you, though.”

“I know where a good piece of metal is. Will you forgive me once you’re done?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you.”

Chapter 41: Nourishment

Ever since electricity made its way to Equestria, Pinkie Pie had been fairly big on video games. The controllers there were necessarily different from their draconic origins, and using them was a lot more like typing than the traditional holding of the controller, but other than that, things were very much the same.

“Why is the ceiling talking about game controllers?” Pinkie Pie said. “Hey, ceiling, can you hear me? I know you can, just admit it.”

She wasn’t exactly lonely, but her need for interaction was so high that Pinkie Pie had recently had several hallucinations about a voice coming from the ceiling if she was inside, or the sky if outside, which was narrating her life. She would sometimes respond, but the voice would never explicitly enter a conversation, although it would sometimes say things heavily suggesting it heard and understood her.

“See? You know what you’re doing. Just admit it and we can have a lovely friendship.”

The Cakes knew about the things she would sometimes say when there were no customers, but they never thought that much of it; it was just Pinkie being Pinkie. She was just trying to entertain herself, like anyone would, and it wasn’t like she actually had any hallucinations, much less ones she thought were real. Right?

“I still don’t know what this whole denying yourself thing is all about. You seem to like me, or at least find me interesting, so just admit you know everything I’m saying. I want to be your friend.”

There was no response from “the ceiling” to that.

“Yes, there was. You just said ‘there was no response from “the ceiling” to that’.”

Meanwhile, the other world-saviours were reading, having sex, editing dress designs, or hosting a rambunctious drinking game party. At Fluttershy’s door was a pale blue unicorn with a white mane that almost went down to her knees and a white tail that was a few centimetres away from the ground.

“Who’s there?” Fluttershy said.

“A murderer. Are you really that paranoid?”

She opened the door. “Hello.”

“Hello, I’m baker and ice spell specialist Permafrosting. You’ll know me from such shows as ‘Permafrosting’s Gradual Elimination Baking Challenge’ and ‘Apparently She Does a House Hunting Show’, and I’m here to drown you unconscious and teleport you to a secret dungeon never to be seen again unless you do something interesting within the next ten minutes.”

“I don’t know what I could do. Do you have to take me away to a dungeon?”

“Yes. I don’t want you stuck in a dungeon either, but I should’ve looked over my contract better.”

“Well, I don’t know what I could do. My life probably wouldn’t be that interesting to other ponies.”

“It doesn’t have to be something you always do, just something violent or sexy.”

“But I’m Fluttershy.”

“If you can’t think of something interesting, you’re getting imprisoned. There’s nothing I can do.”

“Well... I could donate food to Scootaloo.”

“Sounds hood. Good. Wow, can we do that again?”

Fluttershy went upon making soup. It was all very routine, although the vanilla extract probably looked odd to non-Equestrians. She made the journey across town to Scootaloo, with a plastic bag around her neck containing a thermos, spoon, and giant hairband to hold the spoon. Houses, fences, and the occasional tree made the scene for an extremely ordinary residential area, and Scootaloo was at her typical corner, sitting beside her cardboard box against a chain-link fence, accompanied only by an empty water bottle. Fluttershy put the bag down.

“For me? Thanks, I’m starving. Literally.”

“I was threatened to do something ‘interesting’ or I’d be locked in a dungeon.”

“So you only did this because you had to?”

“Well...” she paused as Scootaloo opened the thermos, “Yes.”

“Well, I’m happy you decided to spend it on me. I’m not offended you had to do it, it probably sounded like that. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Should I stay?”

“Well, you might want these back. You don’t have to talk with me, I won’t think it’s awkward.”

Scootaloo may have been fine, her soup giving her something sufficiently distracting to do, but Fluttershy didn’t have such a thing and was forced to feel the awkwardness. She knew she had to say something to break it as she felt the air around her get thicker, but she couldn’t think of anything and didn’t even last a minute before collapsing and bursting into tears.

“Fluttershy? Are you okay?”

“It’s too much....”

“Well, that’s what happens when you spend all your time by yourself when you’re a foal and never build up a resistance to awkwardness. I mean I feel bad for you.”

“The only ponies I ever spent time with were my parents and Rainbow Dash, and our conversations never had that kind of thing often enough. I’m not blaming them, you couldn’t expect them to make things awkward on purpose. I wouldn’t have done it back then if I had known about it.”

“Yeah, you can’t. It’ll be okay, though. After all, it can only happen so many times before you start to resist it.”

“I know. I’ll be fine.” There was a brief pause. “Is the soup all right?”

“Yeah, it’s good. Almost as good as Ched-R Bitz.”

She got up. “What?”

“Ched-R Bitz: whatever we did to this milk, it’s orange now.”

“Oh, you have sponsorship.”

“They’re paying me in Ched-R Bitz.”

Later that day, Fluttershy received the news.

“Permafrosting who?”

“The same one from before.”

She opened the door. “Was I interesting enough?”

“Yep. You’re not getting thrown in a dungeon.”

“That’s good.”

“‘That’s good’? I thought you’d be a bit more excited. Anyway, I’ve got to go.”

“Bye.”

She teleported away and normal life resumed.

Chapter 42: My First Killing Spree

“You know,” Twilight said.

“Probably not,” Spike said.

“Everypony’s been talking about how I like to kill stuff, but I haven’t really killed that many ponies on the show yet. And yes, I’ll get us out of this smoke factory in a minute, I just need to hack into the mainframes and overclock them into reversing the polarity of the generators.”

“We’ve got a straggler on the catwalk over the acid!” said a red stallion with a strong Russian accent. “Where’s my gun and how do I fire it with hooves?”

“Just a few more seconds...” Twilight said as she typed idbgjwoi into the terminal.

“Mm,” the stallion said as he held a double-barrelled shotgun in his mouth.

“There! Now let’s get out before the building explodes!”

She teleported herself and Spike to the balcony.

“That was close,” Spike said. “Too close.”

“Fuck, I know. That fucking pony was on his fucking second-to-last mission before he fucking retired, too. I almost feel bad.” She looked up at the crescent moon. “Almost.”

Twilight was in a cubicle, the setting of her job by day, typing idbgjwoi into a spreadsheet when the phone rang. She picked it up.

“Products Inc., how may I help you?”

“Hi, um, my flowerpot is broken.”

“Do you have the clay or the plastic version?”

“The clay one.”

“Support for that product has been discontinued.”

She hung up.

Spike was in the kitchen pouring himself some cereal. “Hey, Twilight.”

“Hi. I’ll be gone for a few hours to go on a killing spree, so don’t burn the house down.”

“All right.”

Ponyville was just a bit too bustling at the moment to murder someone without being noticed, but she had a backup town an hour’s walk away, or a second’s teleportation. It was a couple dozen houses on either side of one street, and it abruptly ended on either end, the side of the road going straight back from generic family homes to monotonous farmland. The road wasn’t straight, and the houses got in the way of seeing the entire place at once, so she went along the road to see if anyone was outside. There wasn’t, so it was time for a break-in.

“Is that a pink house?” she said as if anyone would answer her. It was indeed a two-story house with the exterior a solid pale pink, the closed curtains pink as well. “Okay, obviously it is, but wow, I think I know who’s first.”

She went up on the porch and knocked the door. No one answered, so she lasered a hole in the door, which was technically two due to it being hollow, and stepped inside. She checked every room but one with no success, and last up was one of the bedrooms upstairs.

“Okay, this better have somepony. It’s the last one, it has to. I wouldn’t have been on screen the whole time just to find nothing, right?”

“I don’t think you understand—” the camerapony said. Twilight opened the door, and inside was a pony sleeping.

“Should I wake him up or just kill him? I mean, I don’t care about ‘the hunt’, it’s more fun when they’re helpless, but he isn’t even awake. It wouldn’t be quite as much fun if he doesn’t suffer at least a—”

The red pony opened his eyes and looked in her direction. “Is that... Twilight...?”

“Aah!” She made a ball of magic.

“Okay, I still need—”

His body became one huge burn mark, most of his blanket now ash. It turned out he was a pegasus. “Well, that could’ve been a bit more exciting. Oh well, it’s not like I’ll run out of ponies.”

She went back outside.

“Is that a religious lawn sign?” she said as if anyone would answer, and it was. “Okay, obviously it is, but I think I know who’s next.”

The knocking this time was more successful, the door being retrieved by a stallion so black his outline was lighter than the rest of him just so it could be visible.

“Holy crap, Twilight?!”

“What?” said a navy blue mare as she looked away from the television, putting her lower leg on top of the back of the couch. “Holy crap!”

“Don’t get excited, I’m here to kill you.” She materialised a cylinder of ice with a pointed end and sent it through his neck, the “pencil of doom” as Rainbow Dash called it when she was told of it, much to her irritation. It was noticeably larger, more like a decent-size icicle, but other than that it was fairly accurate. Regardless of nomenclature, he pulled the object out and she then took his front knees in her magic to break them. He fell over, unsuccessfully tried to scream, and flailed his forelegs around for a moment before dying. Twilight turned her attention to the mare, who had just began to cry.

“My name is Tsunami III. There, now I have a name, so you can’t kill me.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“¡GOOOOOOOOL!” the television relayed.

“Oh, way to kill the mood. Could you turn that off?”

After two failed attempts to pick up the remote, she did. “So you’re going to kill me?”

“Meh.” Tsunami felt her right femur snap and groaned loudly. “I think that’s it.”

Twilight left the building and looked around. There was nothing else to use to pick a house, so she went to the next village, which was much the same as the first with a straight road. She didn’t see anything worthy and so picked the closest house she had teleported to. She knocked the door, but of the family who lived there, the parents were at work and the foals were at school, so she got no response and lasered a hole in the door. She searched the entire house and naturally found no one.

“Well, this sucks,” she said after checking the foals’ bedroom. “Oh well, if I don’t find anypony at the next house I’ll call it a day.”

At the next house, the exact same thing happened.

“Yeah, this isn’t a reliable strategy,” she said as she stood in the living room. After she said this, she saw a pony walking by out the window. “Okay, I’ll finish with her.” She went out the door.

“Holy crap, Twilight Sparkle?!”

Twilight came up to her. “Wow, that fur pattern looks really hard to describe. Anyway, I’m killing you, so don’t get excited.”

She set most of her back on fire, and the passerby responded by jumping at her. She teleported  back a couple metres, then held the day’s last victim down and strangled her.

“Seriously, you try anything other than instant death and you fucking have to do it anyway. I don’t know, maybe it’s today, but I don’t wanna just do death rays my entire life....”

She wanted the body burn for a few minutes, but another pony came by.

“Uh....” He tapped her leg.

“What? Oh, this?”

“You’re Twilight! Holy crap!”

“Oh. You want an autograph, don’t you?”

“And wait, there are cameraponies here? Am I on—”

“Yeah, yeah, you are. Being on the show is cool, so you don’t need an autograph, right? Right.”

“We can’t have wild sex?”

“Not even calm sex.”

“Aww.”

He continued on his way and Twilight watched the burning for a few more minutes. Once she was satisfied, she went back to the treehouse.

“Hi, Spike.”

He paused a video so dark and grainy it was impossible to ascertain the subject matter from that particular frame. “Hey, you’re back.”

“Yep. I killed a few ponies, but only one of them was really fun.”

“That sucks. Did anypony see you?”

“A couple, but I doubt they’ll do anything. And even if they do, then all that happens is I get to kill a couple policeponies.”

“Ponyville has a police force?”

“Well, I saw a pony in uniform once in Sparkstown. I don’t know.”

Chapter 43: Rinse Cycle

A small stage and three ponies behind a desk could only mean one thing: three ponies were sitting together and looking at a stage. Rainbow Dash came in and stepped up.

“So why should we keep you on the show?” said the judge sitting in the middle, a black unicorn stallion named Blinding Radiance.

“Everypony else’s interestingness relies on talking to me. Also, I’m Rainbow Dash.”

“You have twenty-five more seconds.”

“I rest my case.”

“Wow,” said the one on the left from Rainbow’s point of view, a white pegasus mare with a yellow mane named Infinite Abyss. “You didn’t even need thirty seconds to convince me. Really, I don’t even know why you’re here. Like you said, you’re Rainbow Dash. It’s a yes from me.”

“I would’ve appreciated any effort whatsoever,” Radiance said. “I’ll have to say no.”

The last judge was a dark red earth stallion, Cherries Jubilee. Having just turned eighteen a month ago, he was between the size of a fully grown mare and stallion, and his presence on the panel at such a young age was controversial. “You do make a good point about being Rainbow Dash. We’d lose a lot of our viewers without you, me for instance, so I’m saying yes.”

She jumped off the stage and went to the desk, and Cherries hoofed her a yellow piece of paper with a big four-digit number on it and some other things too small to make out. Paper in mouth, Rainbow went out the way she came in, and the other five recent world-saviours, Spike, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders all cheered.

Next to come onto the stage was Applejack.

“Why should we keep you on the show?”

“Because what would this show be without Appledash? The last show had a strict policy of no sex or vahlence, and we all know what happened to it. Even if Rainbow Dash somehow stops bein’ fun to watch for everypony, which bah the way, she’s Rainbow Dash so that ain’t happenin’, Ah still have Big Mac to provahde us with all the sex we need to survahve. Ah may not always be the funniest, but when it comes to the essentials a show needs to succeed in Equestria, Ah have what you need.”

“Wow,” Abyss said. “That was impressive. You really are a critical part of the show, so I’m going to say yes.”

“We’re supposed to be a glorified vlog, not glorified porn,” Radiance said. “If sex is all you can bring to the table, you aren’t interesting enough. It’s a no.”

“I don’t think you’re terrible, and we really do need Appledash,” Cherries said. “You’re definitely worth the money. It’s a yes.”

“Ah was actually scared there for a moment.” She got her paper and left.

Next up was Twilight.

“Why should you keep me on the show. Well, do I say things that don’t make everypony bored? Yes. I work great with Rainbow Dash and Spike, but I can go on a schizophrenic rant myself if I have to. Do I have sex, yes. Unlike Applejack, I also fit in interesting conversations so that we can show the sex on screen. And do I kill ponies, well, you three will be aware of what I did just yesterday. You’d lose all of that without me.”

“Wow,” Abyss said. “You know, you’re the only one we can really rely on to kill ponies. So because of that, I’m giving you a yes.”

“Sometimes it seems like if you were locked alone in a cell, you’d clop just for the sake of the show,” Radiance said, “And your obvious urge to clop whenever you see a television camera.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Yes. But you give us everything we need, so I’m saying yes.”

“If we lost you, our insanity level would probably go from Heaven straight down to Hell,” Cherries said. “Actually, it’d be more like Faust’s office to the pony outside the pearly gates approving ponies. But still, that’s an unacceptable loss. So I say yes.”

“Wait... a unanimous decision?” She went over and took her paper. “Nopony’s gonna believe me. This is amazing. Thank you all... for this very high honour of... OH MY FUCKING FUCK I CAN’T EVEN BELIEVE ME!” She ran out of the room. “You’ll never believe it!”

Rarity came next.

“Despite my relative lack of chances, I feel my conversations have been interesting. We can’t have the same three ponies in every episode, and I’m the perfect contrast, maybe not so much to Twilight, but certainly to Applejack and Rainbow Dash. And if I hadn’t grounded Sweetie Belle, what would that episode have been? Nothing. We had a plot, and by Wall, I was responsible for it. I still deserve my place in the show, even if I’m not a sex-crazed voice-hearing murderer.”

“Wow,” Abyss said. “I do think ponies have been too harsh on you, and yeah, you have delivered when you’ve had a chance. So I’ll say yes.”

“So you don’t have sex, you don’t cause any injuries physical or otherwise, and you’re the antagonist in everything noteworthy you do,” Radiance said. “It’s a no.”

“You just haven’t shown there’s anything we can rely on,” Cherries said. “Twilight and Rainbow Dash are very proactive in giving us material, and you can’t just stand around and hope something will come up. So I’m saying no.”

“But... you can’t just kick me off the show! I saved the world!”

“There are new, younger ponies who deserve a chance,” Cherries said. “We can’t keep everypony on forever.”

Rarity sighed, looked at the floor for a moment, and walked out.

Next, Fluttershy.

“I know I don’t have sex and I’ve done the opposite of violence to animals, but ponies seem to enjoy talking to me. And both of the soup episodes seemed to go pretty well. That’s all I’ve really done, I think, so... I hope that’s enough, but if it isn’t, I understand....”

“You know, I do really like you,” Abyss said. “Your episodes have been good, so I’ll have to give you a yes.”

“You won’t do anything for us,” Radiance said. “Pinkie Pie did everything interesting in your episode together, and you had to be forced into doing something last time. You really aren’t worth paying with the nothing you usually return.”

“It really isn’t enough,” Cherries said. “And half the time you’re on, it seems like you don’t even want multiple cameras recording everything you do. If you can’t even enjoy it, then for your own good... no.”

She headed for the door.

Pinkie Pie.

“Well, I think I’ve been pretty good. Everypony seems to enjoy me, and I know I don’t really do anything, but ponies are like ‘hey, she’s funny’. I think the ponies you’d lose if I was gone would be way more than whoever you’d gain by replacing me with somepony who didn’t save the world, so I think I should stay.”

“I do think you’re worth keeping around,” Abyss said. “You give us something when you’re on, so it’s a yes from me.”

“Talking to yourself is going to get old fast,” Radiance said. “You can’t rely on ponies inviting you to things or crazy customers or something dramatic happening at a party. The point is there isn’t much you can do yourself, so it’s a no.”

“You have been pretty good, but it’s been a bit out of your hooves. It’s just too rare for you to get out there and make an episode like Rainbow Dash does or like Twilight got in today’s news for, and you don’t have the sex or violence to make up for it. I’ll have to say no.”

“But... I’m Pinkie Pie. I’m fun. You can’t do this, I barely have money as it is.”

“We don’t think it’s worth it to be constantly tracking you anymore,” Cherries said.

“But this show’s been my life. I love doing it. I’ve made friends with all the cameraponies and—”

“Please don’t waste our time.”

After taking a second to comprehend the tragedy, she went for the door.

The first one to have an opportunity to be promoted would be Spike.

“If you make me an official main character, the number of conversations I have with Twilight that you can air every month without seeming weird will go way up. Do you want to miss out on all of those juicy conversations? No. A yes for Spike is a yes for interestingness.”

“For the good of the show, we can’t miss out on that. I’m saying yes.”

“You rely on one other pony so heavily that making you a main character makes absolutely no sense. Nopony’s going to watch just for you, so I’m saying no.”

“You’re never going to do anything. Like Radiance said, your interestingness is completely dependent on a single other pony, so it’s a no.”

Apple Bloom was called next.

“Ah have two friends Ah can ‘ave in’eresting tahmes with all day. Ah have an antagonist in mah lahfe to have lahfe experiences with. Talkin’ to friends at school, bein’ annoyed bah an evil bitch at school, it’s worked for so many shows before an’ it’ll work for us. Ah can ramp it up too. Go on short adventures with mah friends? Yep. Get in a fight with Dahmond Tiara? Yep. Rape ‘er in the bathroom? Plannin’ to do it anyway. Whatever you need, Ah got it.”

“Wow. If that’s not impressive, I don’t know what is, other than the goal Rolling Fields got last night. But that is impressive, so it doesn’t even matter. Yes.”

“It sounds like you’ll have a few gimmicks which you’ll run out of fairly quickly. I don’t think talking to your friends will work for us considering foals and adults don’t really have the same current things to relate to, so it’s a no.”

“I can’t really see your conversations being as good as Rainbow Dash’s. And there won’t be enough variety in your sex and violence to hold interest for that long, so I can’t see episode after episode focussing on you. It’s a no.”

She left the room to some slow string music.

Next was Sweetie Belle, carrying a purse. Instead of going up on stage, she went up to the desk, just far enough that she didn’t disappear behind it, and set the purse down.

“Inside, you will find three bags of gems I stole from Rarity. The contents of each bag are identical and worth 226 bits. If I receive at least two yes votes, anypony who voted yes can keep one of the bags. Anything left will be returned, meaning you could have taken something from Rarity but chose not to.”

“Wow, that’s so meta! Well, it’s a yes from me.”

“I don’t appreciate your attempt at bribery. No.”

“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about. Valuables, and I’m taking them from Rarity? It’s a yes.”

Last up was Scootaloo.

“Well, I can talk to my friends. And my survival can be pretty interesting sometimes. I mean, you don’t have to air me sitting around, just the highlights. I can talk about what weather is like, how I get food... it could be really interesting.”

“Wow. That is not something I think anypony will want to miss once they hear about it. Yes.”

“So you’ll be doing nothing, and occasionally, you’ll come across a sandwich by complete chance and vlog about it. No, thanks.”

“That sounds more like a documentary miniseries than what we’re going for. It could be good for a while, but eventually, you will run out of things to talk about. I don’t think the conversations will be enough on their own, so it’s a no.”

With the new crew established, it was time for them to go on an adventure. Spike was reading a recount of an acid trip someone was presenting as a fanfic when Twilight came up to him.

“I’m going on an adventure,” Twilight said. “I’ll be back somewhere between tonight and a week from now.”

“Okay.”

Shortly afterward, Big Mac was reading a blog post someone was presenting as a news article when Applejack came up to him.

“Ah’m goin’ on an adventure. Ah’ll be back tonaht or in a week, Ah don’t really know.”

“Okay.”

Rarity was reading a recount of an acid trip someone was presenting as a news article when Sweetie Belle came up to her.

“I’m going on an adventure. I’ll be back sometime between tonight and a week from now.”

“Did you say a week?”

“It’s for the show.”

“It isn’t too dangerous, is it?”

“They haven’t told me much about it.”

“Well... I kind of don’t want you to go....”

“Well, I’m not losing my place already. I don’t care what you think anyway, I just wanted you to know so you won’t think that I might be dead.”

“But I’ll still think that.”

“I have to go.”

The four warriors had just stepped outside Ponyville clad in their initial gear, nothing because they didn’t have any money. Applejack had a red scarf on.

“Look at you with your fucking two articles of clothing,” Twilight said. “Seems more like your polar opposite.”

“Well, it’s fuckin’ cold. Anyway, where’re we goin’?”

Twilight took the map out of the communal backpack. “We haven’t discovered anything, so it’s blank.”

“Other sahde.”

She turned it over. “Oh. Northwest.”

In just a few minutes, they ran into their first enemy: a rabbit with solid red eyes. Applejack kicked him in the face, then Rainbow Dash did, and then, with no visible injuries, he disintegrated. They carried on for another two hours, kicking rabbits and motile gelatin desserts along the way, and made it to the entrance to a forest, which instantly changed from plains to jungle density in a straight line with no transition whatsoever.

“Okay, everypony ready?” Twilight said. “Should we heal Applejack?”

“There’s gonna be a spring right inside if we do,” Rainbow said.

“Good point. You think you can survive, AJ?”

“Yep.”

They entered the forest and quickly found some more rabbits they felt like they had to kill, except these ones were orange instead of white.

“More of these fucking things?!” Rainbow said. “How many more of these fuckers do we need to fucking do the same repetitive fucking motion for before we can have some actual fucking fun on a fucking adventure?!”

“Rainbow Dash?” Applejack said. “You okay?”

“I’m just sick of fucking rabbits.”

“Then... don’t rape animals?”

They trudged through a few more groups of rabbits for Applejack to stomp and some motile balls of vines for Twilight to burn, then Twilight had a question.

“I have a question, Rainbow.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, I’m horny.”

She sighed. “Well, maybe it’ll make me feel better. We’ll fuck behind that really uniform hedge.”

They went around the hedge which repeated its exact pattern of branches every four metres.

“Wait, what?” Sweetie Belle said. “Did I just hear what I thought?”

“Ah’m Rainbow’s main girlfriend and Twahlaht’s her other one,” Applejack said. “Er... you okay?”

“Appledash and Twidash are true?”

“Yep.”

“That’s, like... I mean... it’s really... I’ll need some time to adjust.”

“Ah understand. You need some privacy?”

“Just don’t look at me.”

“Sorry about giving away the whole love thing,” Twilight said.

“You gave it away? I was who said we should fuck behind this hedge.”

“Yeah, but I said ‘Rainbow’. First time in the conversation. And I said I was horny right in your face, so even that was pretty much my fault.”

“Well, it was gonna happen sometime. AJ’s probably mad at us, though.”

“You shouldn’t be scared of her. She’s your girlfriend, you should always feel comfortable around her. Of course, if you don’t, then you can always make me your primary.”

“Just lie down already.”

“I just...” Sweetie Belle said, “I can’t believe... can you look at me? I need help.”

She turned back around. “Just so you know, if you tell this to anypony, Twahlaht’s gonna kill you.”

“Yeah, I figured, but... it’s so... so you have sex?”

“Every tahme we see each other, pretty much.”

“I’m... I’m just shocked. It’s just like... you, like... it’s happening right there. Oh fuck, I thought about it. I pictured it. Fuck.”

“So... you aren’t happy with the relationships?”

“Well... I mean, I know I shouldn’t care... are they even doing anything? We could hear them through a hedge, right?”

“With a hedge lahke that, you never know.”

Sweetie Belle said some more filler words for ten more minutes, then Twilight and Rainbow came back.

“You ready?” Applejack said.

“Yep,” Twilight said.

After a few more battles, including Twilight occasionally using a lightning spell against an aquatic thing but still not feeling satisfied about what she had accomplished, they came to a river two metres wide and knee-deep.

“How are we going to cross this?” Twilight said.

“You’re the magic one,” Rainbow said, “So you’re the smart one, so you figure it out.”

“Wait a minute, I can teleport us!”

They continued for what seemed like hours, because it was. Eventually, something significant had to happen, because otherwise there wouldn’t have been a dense forest to go through.

“Look!” Applejack said. “In that tree hollow! The Provocone!”

“Are you sure about that?” Twilight said. “Seems like a trap.”

“Well, if it’s a trap, we have to follow it.”

“Good point.”

Twilight levitated the cone and put it in the pack. They thought maybe they would somehow offset something carefully weighted, or maybe a boss monster would appear to defend the pieces, but nothing obvious happened. And so they took a cottage out of their bag, unfolded it, and had a nice sleep before travelling to the Shrine of the Provocone.

At the Shrine, they expected something to go horribly wrong as Twilight placed the Provocone back on its pedestal, but nothing did.

“So...” Applejack said, “Is that it?”

“I guess,” Twilight said.

The credits rolled, but in-universe, they were still on edge for the rest of the day.

Chapter 44: Paying the Bills

Twilight had finally stopped thinking of things in bed and was about to actually sleep when the book she had that night slipped off the bed, making a loud prush as it hit the floor.

“I’ll put it back in the morning.”

The instant she woke up, she remembered the book.

“I’m tired, I’ll put it back once I wake up.”

She did her morning things, including an hour-long shower, fifty minutes of which were spent adjusting the temperature; ate a healthy breakfast of a bowl of a cereal made slightly of oats but mostly of chocolate marshmallows, a glass of milk, a glass of orange juice, a grapefruit, two slices of toast with unspread squares of butter, and two sunny-side-up eggs; played outside with her two years older brother for an hour to get her daily requirement of exercise and vitamin D; only practised her magic for one hour before taking a twenty-minute break; and finally went to her bedroom to bitch about her parents in her diary.

“You know, putting this diary back reminds me, I should put that book that fell off the bed back after I check the news.”

Unfortunately, the sole article she read that wasn’t about kittens led her into a string of personally undiscovered amazing websites and research papers, and it was the middle of the evening by the time she was finished.

“Oh, apparently that was the last tab. You know, I feel like... oh yeah, the book.” She turned to look at the book still lying on the floor. “That’s kinda far away. Spiiike!”

Spike came running in like there was a fire. “I’m here.”

“I can see that. Now put that book back.”

“You’re the one with the telekinesis.”

“I’m the one with the death lightning.”

“I’m the one not making threats to a powerless baby dragon.”

“I’m not the one whose only purpose in life is to serve Twilight Sparkle.”

“Fine.” He retrieved the book and went back down.

Rainbow Dash came to visit and sleep, because otherwise they wouldn’t have made an episode out of the day.

“Huh. Twilight’s usually right here when I come into her bedroom uninvited.”

“I’m in the bathroom.”

After she finished clopping, she came back out. “So are we gonna fuck or not?” Rainbow said.

“I just clopped.”

“So no?”

“I’m still horny.”

“So then—”

Twilight tackled her, and the following two hours were one big sex session, the longest break without something being licked lasting about one minute.

“Can we stop?” Rainbow said. “I’m gonna choke if I have any more cum.”

“There are still fifty-eight more to go.”

“I don’t even know what you’re counting. It isn’t orgasms....”

Twilight got off her and off the bed. “You can have a break. But if you want that to be the last sex tonight, then you’ll have to leave.”

“It’s all right, I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

Despite their beliefs, Spike could easily hear them from downstairs.

“I swear,” he whispered to the camera so as not to be a hypocrite, “I’m just trying to make a sandwich, and every time, I hear their sex talk. Whether it’s television or making food, whenever I’m doing something I need to hear clearly or not be disgusted during, they’re having sex way more often than chance alone can explain. It’s so annoying.”

About an hour later, Twilight was not reading, but writing, mostly notes about sex ideas, but also including ideas on how to torture ponies without instantly killing them, which may well have also doubled as sex ideas to do with Rainbow. She was doing this on paper, despite it taking place on the same desk that had her monitor directly in front of her.

“I’m ready,” Rainbow said.

“Well, now I’m busy. Wait a minute.”

“You look like you’re just writing something down.”

“Yeah, and I’ll forget it. That’s why I’m writing it down. So be patient just like I had to be for literally fifty times as long.”

“Well, sorry I’m not a nymphomaniac. Relatively speaking.”

She finished writing the thought about rolling pins, then she got on the bed and they resumed having sex. This exemplified what had gone on the past week in that no one had really done anything that was reality show material, but at this rate they were going to run out of episodes, so they really needed to scrape one together. Applejack was also having sex, but again no one was saying or doing anything noteworthy, and Sweetie Belle was playing “Double Hexagon”, a recurring thing she sometimes did with a specific set of her toys that was very difficult to follow to any outside observer.

“Can you do something?” camerapony #2 said.

“We are,” said Twilight, as she was the one not using her mouth.

“I mean something interesting for the viewers.”

“Yeah, ‘cause they’ll get sick of this.”

“But we need a plot to go along with it.”

“Well, we aren’t going to give you one.”

“Can you do something?” camerapony #4 said.

“We ah—haaaaaaaah!” Applejack said. “We are.”

“Like, to make the show good?”

“We are.”

“But we need a plot, it can’t just be sex.”

“Well, we ain’t doin’ that.”

“Holy crap,” transcriber #3 said, “They took over Lilac Corner?”

“Almost.”

“What? This is confusing.”

The next morning, Twilight and Rainbow were going to have a sexy shower together, but the latter noticed that one of the shower items had been switched out.

“Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“Why is the shower curtain transparent?”

“For the show.”

“I mean... it’s kinda weird.”

“If you didn’t like being watched, you would have stopped doing this a long time ago.”

“I know, but... there’s just something not right about a transparent shower curtain.”

“Then I’ll just have to rape you.”

“I mean, I’m sure I’ll get used to it....”

She did quickly get used to it. However, with no chat, there was still nothing to report for the show other than the usual that they had sex.

“Bah, AJ,” Apple Bloom said, already on the other side of the doorway.

“Bah. Cause some vahlence at school.”

“You cause some vahlence if that’s what you wanna do for the world.” She left.

“Hmm...” Applejack said as the shot zoomed in on her.

“Bye, Rarity,” Sweetie Belle said, already pushing the door open.

“Bye. Don’t cause any violence at school.”

“Nothing about yesterday was my fault.” She left.

“That’s strange. What is she talking about...?” Rarity said before the shot zoomed in on her.

“Hey, Big Mac?” Applejack called across the house. “Oh, you’re right there. Ah’m gonna kill somepony, so Ah’ll be back in a bit.”

“All right.”

She went outside and went down a few streets, waiting for a sign she had no idea of the appearance of. She would know the target house when she saw it. As she went down a quiet, normal residential street a bit lost in thought, she saw her first target, who was identified as a target for being outside.

“Hey, over here,” Applejack said.

The blue mare was levitating a large paper bag with a baguette sticking out of it. “Applejack?”

“Uh, quick question, do you know any combat spells? Or, like, anything you could use to hurt ponies?”

“I can make fire... why do you ask?”

“Oh, you know... hard to explain....”

“Well, I really have to get going. Everypony’s probably already worried....”

“Okay. Take... take care.”

“Goodbye.” She kept going.

“Well, that didn’t work... only ‘cause she was a unicorn, though. Next one’s gonna be great.”

She continued her travels, but none of the houses spoke to her, and the next potential victim was also someone outside in a residential area. The yellow mare had a large paper bag around her neck with the top of a carrot sticking out.

“Drop that bag.”

“Applejack?”

In stark contrast to the last attempt, Applejack came over to the target. “Drop it.”

“You’re Applejack!” She dropped the bag and Applejack began to look through it. “There are so many things I want to ask you....”

“Ah’m takin’ this pack ah gummy worms.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s that or your life.”

“But my foal is going to be so disappointed when he hears that his favourite saviour stole his gummy worms.”

“Not mah problem.” She took the bag in her mouth and set off.

When he got the door, Big Mac had an obvious question to ask.

“Did you kill anypony?”

She went inside and dropped the bag. “Nah. Ah’ll still kill ponies if Ah’m with somepony else, but Ah think goin’ out an’ doin’ it mahself ain’t for me.” She picked the bag back up and went upstairs.

Twilight was in the study with Spike, but she may as well have been alone. As Spike rearranged some books in a shelf embedded in the floor, the piece of carpet hiding it rolled up to the side, she complained to him about why this was.

“I need a sex slave.”

“You don’t have one?”

“I mean a domestic sex slave. Somepony who’s always here and just sits around waiting for me to occasionally make them feel necessary in the world.”

“Uh... look, Twilight, I don’t fancy you. If you’re—”

“What? I’m not talking about you. I just need to bring in another pony. Somepony with cyan fur, a short mane with crazy colours—”

“Will a worse Rainbow Dash really make you happy?”

“Yes. Especially if I make sure she has a bunch of fetishes that the real Rainbow Dash doesn’t have.” She sang a three-minute song listing all the fetishes she wanted. “Wouldn’t that be great?”

“Uh... sure. It’d be good for the environment, technically.”

“I need a punchline for the episode,” Sweetie Belle said as she exited the school with her three best friends.

“Punchlahne?” Apple Bloom said. She punched Sweetie Belle in the side of her head, causing her to stagger for a few seconds and then fall unconscious. “Er....”

A light brown stallion came out of the building. He was Cookie Dough, the week’s substitute biology teacher. “Two days in a row?”

“She lahkes it.”

“I would ask her to confirm that, but you seem to have knocked her unconscious this time.”

“Did you see the part raht before? When she wakes up, she’ll say she was on top ah the world raht then.”

“Wait there, the headmaster obviously needs to see this.” He went back in.

Scootaloo giggled. “You’re so fucked.”

“Nuht-uh. They’ll say Ah’m gettin’ some ridiculous amount ah detention tomorrow, then once they hear Sweetie Belle’s opinion, Ah’ll be fahne.”

They waited a minute, occasionally watching someone else leave, then Cookie Dough came back with the news. “Apple Bloom, tomorrow we’re going to ask Sweetie Belle what she thought of what just happened. If she did not in fact enjoy being knocked unconscious, or if she doesn’t remember it, you’ll be suspended for a week.”

“Well, she did enjoy it, so Ah ain’t worried.”

The next day, before any of the classes, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom were at the headmaster’s office. Behind his desk was the pony himself, as always wearing his black trench coat, black fedora, black balaclava, and black sunglasses.

“Sweetie Belle. Tell me what happened yesterday after you left the building.”

“Apple Bloom punched me and I fell unconscious.”

“I see. This is consistent with what I have previously been told. Now, did you enjoy the time from and including being punched to when you fell unconscious?”

“Yes, I did. I don’t wish for her to cease doing things like this.”

“Very well. Apple Bloom will receive no punishment. I will notify the teachers if her demeanor doesn’t give it away first. Now please leave and prepare for your days as normal.”

They left the room, and Scootaloo was waiting immediately outside.

“How’d it go?”

“Ah don’t have to do anything.”

“Nice. So... now what?”

“It’s tahme to... do a day ah school, Ah guess. Yep.”

Chapter 45: Illegal Park Activities

Like so many towns that were host to world-saviours, Ponyville had gone from being a fairly small place to a slightly small place in a matter of months. There hadn’t been a public park or more than a thousand ponies before any of its residents had a show, but now suddenly everyone wanted to be involved. Whether it needed to exist or not, the four main characters were together at an open field with the occasional tree, a youth hoofball game distractingly taking place in the background.

“So...” Sweetie Belle said, “...How about that weather?”

“You know, we know what happened yesterday,” Rainbow Dash said. “We know what the problem was, it’s not going to happen again, and bitching about it won’t change anything.”

“That’s not really what I meant....”

“There was a good reason we couldn’t do it, but ponies like you like to whinge for hours about half a fucking sandwich getting wet without knowing what was going on behind the scenes.”

“I wasn’t trying to complain—”

“What else could ‘how about that weather’ possibly mean? How about that craaazy weather we’re having because our pegasi are so fucking incompetent.” She stepped closer. “Well, I’m one of those pegasi, and let me tell you, it’s not that fucking simple.”

“Rainbow,” Applejack said. “She di’n’t mean to complain, you don’t have ta yell at ‘er.”

“What else could—”

“She mean’ it in the ‘Ah can’t really talk good’ kinda way, Ah don’t think it’s about what happened yesterday.”

She looked back to Sweetie Belle. “I guess should say I’m sorry.”

“Then say it.”

“I’m sorry.” Rainbow backed away to where she was before. “You know, we should go somewhere private so that we can Appledash.”

“Using that as a verb destructioned my brain,” Twilight said.

“Well, what do you think we should do?”

“I know what I’d like to do, but it’s a thing for ponies with booksmarts and attention spans.”

“Then that’s two votes for hiding somewhere. That’s your vote, right, AJ?”

“Sure.”

“I wouldn’t mind seeing Appledashness,” Sweetie Belle said. “I’m not sure about the sex I’m assuming you’re going to do, but we’ll see.”

“So where are we going?” Rainbow said. “There’s nowhere obvious to hide.”

“We could just do everythin’ right here.”

“I mean, I do want to, but....”

“It’ll be fahne. Ah mean, it’s what they want to see.” She pointed to the audience of six ponies that had gathered ten metres away.

“Yeah, but most of the ponies who’ve come by us so far didn’t join the audience, they just went on their way.”

“And you think that tahpe ah pony would mahnd seein’ a little sex?”

“In the middle of a park, within sight of twenty-two foals? I think yeah.”

“Wow, Ah can’t believe you’re bein’ so uptaht about this. You wanted to do it.”

“I don’t want to traumatise dozens of ponies of any age for such a selfish reason.”

“Okay, fahne. Twahlaht, take us somewhere.”

One spell later, they were in a room five metres to a side, the floor, walls, and ceiling all smooth, light grey slate. There were two air vents in opposite corners near the ceiling and a lamp in one corner, the room otherwise having no features, including obvious exits.

“Er...” Applejack said, “Where are we?”

“I can assure you that nopony will bother you here.”

“But where are we?”

“Have fun.” She teleported herself and Sweetie Belle back to the park.

“Where did you take them?”

“You know all that you need to. So how have you been? Anything one wouldn’t expect?”

“I’ve been trying to learn Basic Ignition, but the one time I tried it, I just burned myself and had to go to Zecora.”

“It’s going to be a good several years before you can learn that.”

“You said you learned it at my age....”

“Yeah, that was to make a point about how great I am. If you’re just average, fire is a long way away right now.”

“But it’ll be so useful for forest adventures.”

“It doesn’t matter how useful it would be, you won’t be able to do it at your age unless you abandon any other spells. And practising teleportation. And you just sit there all day trying to light things on fire for weeks. Then you’ll get the hang of it if you haven’t melted one of your vital organs first.”

“Will I have?”

“Yes.”

“When can I finally hurt ponies?”

“Right now. You have nice, hard hooves.”

“You know what I mean.”

“You pretty much have to wait until you’re fifteen or sixteen unless you want to be a specialist.”

She sighed. “I know, it just sucks.”

An hour later, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were still in the slate room.

“Ah need the bathroom,” Applejack said.

“Well, Twilight forgot about us, so you’re fucked.”

“She probably thinks we’re still havin’ sex.”

“We’re gonna die.”

“Even if she did forget us, it won’t be for that long.”

“And then he stabbed her in her leg,” Sweetie Belle said, “And that finally got her to give him the bracelet. None of us thought he could hold a knife so well.”

“Wow. So who did he go after next?”

“Well, he chose her boyfriend, because he figured the whole honour thing was still on. He caught him and got a couple slashes in the leg off, then she told him it was off because he had stabbed her. He went for the filly standing next to him next, but before he could get a hit in, the boyfriend jumped at him and he lost the knife. So the filly he was attacking picked it up, in her mouth, of course, and after getting punched a few times, he managed to break free and he ran out of the school. Scootaloo and a couple of the other faster foals chased after him, but he was way faster and they gave up pretty quickly. We haven’t seen him since.”

“That’s crazy. But hey, you know what’s even worse?”

“What?”

“I haven’t done anything about all those ponies who just heard Rainbow and AJ talking about having sex out in the open.”

“We’re foalnapping them into a reality show until the relationships go public,” camerapony #1 said, “So we’ve got it covered.”

“Okay, that’s good.”

“Also, one of you still needs to do something illegal.”

“I’ll injure the next pony who comes by.”

“Also, it would be nice if you all agreed to reveal the relationships soon, because there are a lot of episodes we’re holding onto.”

“I don’t know when that’ll happen.”

The following half hour was Twilight standing around waiting for a pony.

“You think I should get them, Sweetie Belle?”

“You should know better than me.”

“I think I will.” She went back to the room.

“It’s about time,” Rainbow said.

“I should just leave you here with that attitude.”

“Then I guess you want your girlfriend to suffer.”

She took them back to the park.

“Behind you, Twilight,” Sweetie Belle said.

“What? Hey, get back here!” she said to the pony walking at a normal speed. She teleported in front of him. “I need you for something.”

“You need me for something? Am I going on an adventure?”

“Over here.” She led him to the other three.

“What do you call that fur colour?” Rainbow said.

“Dendam,” he replied, referring to a flower common in Equestria and a couple bordering countries. “It’s also my first name.”

“It’s a bit too... I don’t know, bright for that. Saturated.”

“Yeah, it’s the lighting.” Twilight broke his left foreleg, then he fell trying to touch it. “What the hell was that?”

“Why aren’t you screaming?” Twilight said. “That’s what most ponies do. Yeah, I broke your leg.”

“Why?”

“Well, with no sex for reasons I can’t go into, we have to film a lot of violence to make up for it.”

“Like none of you are attracted to each other?”

“Sort of. I mean... yeah, look, it’s complicated. But that’s definitely a reason. Obviously.”

“Can you fix me?”

“I think I’ll leave you there. So we fulfilled our contracts, what are we doing now?”

It took a moment for someone to answer. “Going home,” Rainbow said.

“Where’s ‘home’ for you? A cloud? With me? With that dirty, uneducated country pony who kicks trees for a living?”

“A cloud.”

“Well, I’m going to track you and teleport to any clouds you land on.”

“We’ll see.” She took off and Twilight ran after her.

“Well, that’s mah plan gone,” Applejack said. “So see you next week or somethin’.”

“Yep....”

Chapter 46: A Pinch of Appledash

It was a dim, drizzling night, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash were together in the former’s bedroom, mainly because the latter didn’t have one. Applejack was lying on the bed, with Rainbow lying on the floor.

“You wanna get up on the bed with me?”

“It’s too much work.”

“Say, how many tahmes did you flah fifty kilometres as fast as you could last year?”

“I did eight races, but there was a lot of training and practice for that distance too.”

“But this is too much work.”

“That’s what I just said.”

“Well, you want this more than Ah do, so you’ll come up soon enough.”

“We’ll see.”

One hour later, neither of them had surrendered.

“You gonna sleep on the floor?”

“I might.”

One hour later, neither of them had surrendered.

“If you come up here, you can have sex with your girlfriend who you love so much you wanted to be her girlfriend.”

“If you come down here....”

They fell asleep without having sex.

Applejack woke up first. She always had some rope in her wardrobe in case things turned sexy, which technically was rare, as they usually started that way. The sleeping Rainbow Dash on her floor meant that now was one of those times, so she took some out and used two coils to hogtie her and another for her wings. Like most ponies, she took several months to get good at tying things, and it wasn’t a skill everyone had. She was in fact an exceptional knot-tier, her proudest moment coming when she was eleven and she placed third in the Under-12 Vota Province Tying Championships.

Applejack was still in the bathroom when Rainbow woke up. She didn’t immediately need the bathroom, so she was fine with being tied up for as long as Applejack wanted, as long as it was shorter than thirty hours since she had weather to do then. After a few minutes of boredom, Applejack came back in.

“I’ve been waiting here for I don’t know how long. At least three minutes, for sure.”

“Yep. You got anythin’ to do today?”

“No.”

“You’re gonna eat me out until you choke.”

“Okay.”

Twilight put her front hooves together as she continued to watch the monitor. “It’s all going according to plan.”

“You’re playing a business management game,” Spike said.

She looked over her shoulder. “What are you doing here? And what are cameraponies doing here? I thought we were doing an Appledash episode.”

“Usually their sex is really boring,” said the only transcriber there. “They just do the same thing for half an hour and never talk. So we’re filming you in case we need some filler. We might even get so desperate that we include me explaining to you why we’re here.”

“So what about you, Spike?”

“I got lonely.”

“How long have you been standing behind me?”

“Maybe ten minutes.”

“Well, I’m not one for pointless conversations.”

“You do it with Rainbow Dash all the time.”

“Yeah, but she officially comes over for sex and we just happen to talk. Talking by itself is like... I don’t know... salad dressing by itself. Well, it’s not that bad. It’s like a slice of cheese by itself.”

“So you won’t talk with me?”

“I thought that was clear.”

A couple orgasms later, Applejack was still sitting on Rainbow and still breathing at seemingly random intervals and intensities. Big Mac knocked the door.

“What are you doing?”

Applejack went up to the door. “It’s weird, you don’t wanna know.”

“I won’t judge.”

“Don’t you respect anypony’s prahvacy? Go away.”

“You’re making it seem suspicious.”

“You don’t trust your sister.”

He gave up and went away.

With the Appledash not providing the content expected, a small piece of filler had to be stuck on the end of the episode.

“Transcriber #2?”

“Yeah?”

“Isn’t that a little... meta?”

“Oh, and you’re helping?”

“I’m actually here! You’re talking about the structure of the show.”

“We’re not supposed to exist either.”

Rarity and Sweetie Belle were having dinner, a pilaf featuring a long list of vegetables practically endemic to the cuisine of Equestria and its southern neighbour Chevik, whose food Equestrians had for several generations been very fond of importing, the reverse not true.

“What happened at school?” Rarity said. “You didn’t answer me after you came back.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s just frustrating. Stacey and Scootaloo got into a fight again. Stacey stole her protractor, so Scootaloo threatened her and she still wouldn’t give it to her, then they got in a fight and as usual Scootaloo basically beat her up, so eventually—well, it was pretty quick, but you know what I mean—she was on the floor with a sore everything, basically paralysed without infinite pain tolerance. So Scootaloo asked her the combination to her locker, and this wasn’t a scheme, she knew better than anypony Scootaloo wouldn’t steal anything, but she shook her head, so Scootaloo kinda... sucker stomped her, knocked her out is what matters, to the sound of everypony making fun of her for losing to the starving foal again. And she still doesn’t have her protractor, but next week we’ll see what happens....”

“Next week? It’s still a school day tomorrow.”

“Yeah, but Stacey’s in hospital. She should be out in time to be there Monday.”

Rainbow Dash was lying facedown on the cloud she had chosen for that night’s sleep, and with Twilight’s confirmation that eating a hoofful of cloud wouldn’t kill her, it was finally the time. She had been excited about it for the past few hours, and she smiled as she tore off a bit of the cloud. She breathed a few slow, heavy breaths, then took the bite. It had the texture of packing peanuts and tasted like cellophane, but that was far outweighed by the simple fact that she was eating cloud. She chewed it, slowly changing the texture to saliva-soaked packing peanuts, and shook for a moment as she swallowed it. It was pleasant to do it once, but she wasn’t going to dig into every cloud she landed on. She wondered if someone would fly by and wonder if the piece torn off with a bite mark was really what it looked like, then mentally shrugged and, as it were, went to bed.

Chapter 47: Perform or Die

Spike was moving a few books in the study to make everything compliant with Twilight’s new order about Å when she came inside.

“You know what I need to do?” she said.

“Stop talking to yourself?”

“That’s why I came in here, so I could say all this to somepony. I need to make a death game show. Like make a game show and kill the ponies who don’t do well enough.”

“Am I supposed to help?”

“No. I just didn’t want to talk to myself.”

“Why did you have to say it in the first place?”

“Look, I can’t go straight from talking to myself to not talking at all, I have to take this one step at a time. It’s like alcohol, you can’t just instantly stop.”

“That doesn’t—”

“Keep sorting.”

The set was going to be fairly simple. In the centre of the design was a nine-by-six-metre rectangle for the games to be. Near one end was a two-metre-tall cylindrical tower with stairs twirling around the outside, meant for Twilight to stand on top of to host the show and feel important. Near the other end line of the arena were the contestant podiums, and along the sides were stands. At the moment, however, it was a plain white room with a few ponies routing wires and assembling things, plus Twilight and another pony who didn’t appear to be doing anything.

“Hi, Twilight!” said the “supervisor”, as the pony standing around was titled. She was a white pegasus with a slightly but not horribly messy pink mane and a cutie mark depicting three pink spheres representing blown-up bubble gum, all to make her angry detailed criticisms and general constantly irritated demeanor as jarring as possible. She conformed to her appearance a bit more when she was talking to Twilight. “You know, it’s only been a few hours since we got here. I’m glad you care, but... I mean, you hired me for a reason.”

“Hi, Twi—” one of the workers said.

“You have a job. So how have things been since we met? Last night?”

“I’ve just been really excited about this. It’s all I could think about this morning, and eventually it got to sort of a weird level where it was actually all I could think about, so I hope by coming here I can let it all out or something.”

“I’m glad you’re excited, but you did come up with this two days ago....”

“That’s why it’s not a weekly show or whatever, because I know this is a phase I’ll go through occasionally. But as of right now, I’m really excited. So are the slaves doing a good job?”

“Yeah, I’ve made sure they don’t try to sneak a little rest in. Well, one of them did try, once, but I’m pretty sure I put a stop to that.”

“Good to hear.” Sugarcane Xanthan didn’t answer, so there was a brief pause. “I could watch these ponies work for hours.”

“Oh, I don’t need it explained.”

Applejack had Rainbow Dash right where she wanted her, which that particular day was tied to an apple tree. Rainbow had a vibrator inside her, currently on the “2” setting from 1 to 5.

“Did you hear about Twilight’s game show thing?”

“Ah just turned it up, you’re not allowed to be relaxed.”

“Well, I can still barely feel it, so I decided to be smug about it.”

“Anyway, Ah heard. Ah wish Ah could just have anythin’ Ah wanted ‘cause some royal thought Ah was the most smartest.”

“And what do you want?”

“That ain’t the point.”

“You’d rather have your friend be sad?”

“Ah just don’t think a big vanity project will be good for her... vanity. There are better ponies this power could go to. Lahke, can’t that money save a few starvin’ foals or somethin’?”

“I don’t think you care about starving foals, you’re just bitter. You could totally take in Scootaloo if you wanted to.”

“That would destroy Sweetie Belle’s lahfe.”

“So you’d rather the money go to helping—”

“For the last tahme, Ah never said all ponies who have made entertainment are evil and want foals to starve.”

“That’s what it sounds like when you bring that argument up.”

A pegasus with mostly indigo fur, the exceptional parts being white legs and wings coloured a bluish cyan, woke up in a plain white room six metres to a side. The bed he was placed on was in a corner of the room, a bedstand the only other furniture. There were two doors, one each on the walls opposite the bed. He got out of the white-painted bed with white sheets and noticed an index card on the bedstand.

“Your most recent memory should be Twilight strangling you. That’s because you’ve been foalnapped to be a contestant on Perform or Die. If you haven’t heard of it, then really, where have you been for the past month? Chatty jokes aside, the drawer contains granola bars, bottles of water, and a popular science magazine. One of the doors leads to the bathroom, and the other leads outside, but it’s locked. Enjoy being aware whilst you still can.”

Blue Jay suddenly didn’t feel that great. He thought he was dead the instant he saw Twilight break into his home, then he was thrilled to be alive when he woke up, and now he was probably going to die after all. He opened the drawer, and as promised, there were a few cranberry Grayesla bars, a few water bottles, and the latest issue of Probably Slightly More Correct Now. He still wasn’t over the fact that he was probably going to die.

“Well, fuck,” said a blue mare with a light grey mane and tail after she read the phrase “Perform or Die”. Her cutie mark, a pair of dice mid-roll, seemingly explained her name “Midnight”, but she actually had the name from birth due to being born fifteen minutes to then. She got back in bed, deciding that she didn’t even want the last hours of her life if she was just going to be angry.

A pale orange earth mare with an off-white mane that went down to her legs was the next to read the explanation. Her cutie mark was a tall, slightly curved glass containing an ice cream float with a bendy straw sticking out, which like the previous pony went with the name she already had, Orange Cream.

“Oh... my... it’s actually happening! I can’t believe it! I thought she was just on one of her killing sprees.” She gasped. “Maybe she was, but she liked me. Either way, she likes me! Or she hates me because she wants me to probably die. But she thinks I’d be an entertaining game show contestant! That’s something!” She paused for a moment. “I’m gonna be on the show!”

A white unicorn mare came in. “Oh, you’re awake. It was time to turn you over, but that’s good too.” She left.

“Eeeeeeee!” Orange Cream said before reading the rest of the card.

Once he finished reading it, a black unicorn named Razor’s Edge with a black mane and inkwell cutie mark tore the card in two. Then, with nothing to do, he opened the drawer and threw a granola bar across the room. He was typically very calm when faced with surprises good or bad, but something about dying seemed to anger him.

A grey earth stallion with a long black mane—normal length, by mare standards—was made slightly nervous by what he was told. He didn’t even have a cutie mark, so how was he supposed to win at anything game show-like? He didn’t consider himself particularly talented at anything remotely physical or particularly knowledgeable in the kinds of subjects there were a lot of trivia questions about. It was going to be a long day, or more probably a short one.

As a pink pegasus finished reading the card, she realised that this was destiny. The previous day, her cookie fortune read “Take a chance; you might win”. She could have easily bought a lottery ticket or finally kissed him, but instead, she put up a sign in her lawn that read “PICK ME TWILIGHT”. This was because her previous fortune read “You will prevail in the face of danger”. So many ponies read them and declared them vague, but of course they were when they had to be that short. The key was to collect enough of them to actually get a detailed message when they were interpreted together. And this particular time, she only needed two to know what she was meant to do.

“Is being on top of the pedestal all that you dreamed of?” Sugarcane said.

“It sure is.” It was just big enough for her to stand on comfortably, and had a knee-high railing she sometimes put her front hooves on when talking to others. “I see most of the seats are already filled, that’s nice.”

“Yeah, it is. Hey, is your water empty?”

“Yeah. I’m not thir—”

“DAIKON LEAF!” A stallion teleported in front of Sugarcane. “Her Highness needs water.”

“I don’t—” Twilight said.

He teleported away and came back with a couple bottles of water he then placed on the pedestal.

“Good. Return to what you were doing.” He teleported away. “You have any thoughts about who’s going to win?”

“None whatsoever.”

“Unpredictable to Twilight, it doesn’t get better than that.”

“Well, I don’t know anything about them....”

“Hello to everypony out there,” Twilight said, “And we welcome you into the game show with the highest stakes of all, Perform or Die.”

“Okay, that one was really good,” said a purplish blue stallion. “Try to do that.”

“It isn’t live, so don’t I win already?”

“Sure, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for the contestants, it’s live for them.”

“I guess. Hey, what’s Sweet Dreams’ job again? She, like, manages something?”

“Restaurant manager.”

“Right, okay.”

“Hello to everypony out there,” Twilight said, “And we welcome you into the game show with the highest stakes of all, Perform or Die. We’ll be testing various abstract skills tonight, and the rules are quite simple: if you’re the last to leave the challenge uncompleted, and if it’s early enough in the show, you’ll be killed. So who are our contestants?

“Blue Jay, 25, is an accountant from Vota.” The audience cheered, as they did for everyone.

“Midnight, 23, is a manedresser from Chypz.

“Orange Cream, 22, is a waiter from Sparkstown.

“Razor’s Edge, 30, is a funambulist from Vota.

“Placid Night, 23, is a sales consultant from Canterlot.

“And Sweet Dreams, 35, is a restaurant manager from Battleknife.

“Now, on to the first challenge. Please enter your strip of the arena.” The arena was already lit lengthwise into six differently-coloured zones. “You’ll each see a box in front of you. Each box contains a plain black 100-piece jigsaw puzzle. The last to leave it unsolved will be ponially fibrillated by me. Three... two... one... go.”

The audience cheered for the start of the challenge. The contestants quickly separated themselves into tiers, Midnight being very good, Orange Cream and Sweet Dreams being very bad, and the others being decent.

“She’s just about there, and Midnight is the first to complete the challenge!” The audience cheered, and Midnight got up and did a small hop for joy. She looked satisfiedly at the puzzle and went back behind her podium. Things then settled down as everyone waited for the next completor. “And there’s Placid Night, into the next round!” Twilight said as the audience’s volume increased once again. “And look at this, two more ponies almost done! Not that it matters at all, but it’s a tight race for third. Whoever wins this can go home knowing they came third instead of fourth at the jigsaw puzzle, assuming they do, of course. Both almost there... and it’s Razor’s Edge who takes third, and there’s Blue Jay right behind!”

As the end approached, it was close for the only position that made any difference. “Orange Cream slightly ahead, but she looks a bit stuck. Something seems to have clicked with Sweet Dreams... but now Orange Cream’s on it, too! They both seem to have had some jigsaw-related epiphany! Who’s going to do it? Both with only a few pieces to go! Orange Cream still slightly ahead, but can she... oh no, that’s the wrong one! But Sweet Dreams with a similar slip-up! And there it is, Orange Cream completes the square!”

The audience cheered and Orange Cream jumped with a fair bit more height than Midnight. Sweet Dreams put her head down into the puzzle. She had two pieces to go, but it clicked with her just a second too late.

“Sweet Dreams...” Twilight said. She looked up at her. “You know what this means.”

She nodded and began to cry. Twilight took her in her magic and brought them to the same eye level. “Three... two... one....” She spasmed wildly for a few seconds, then abruptly stopped moving at all. Twilight dropped her. “We’ll see you on the other side of the break for the next round.”

After an advertisement for new Xtreem K@ndi Skwairz Citrus Xplosion Flavours, the show returned. “Welcome back to Perform to Die. Five contestants remain for our next round, Bowling But Different. As you can see, you have this surface two metres long with a table tennis ball on one end and a hole four centimetres in diameter on the other. Doesn’t take too much imagination to work it out. Whoever takes the greatest number of tries will have some of their most important bones broken. You’ll take turns in reverse order of when you completed the jigsaw puzzle, so Orange Cream, you’re up first.”

The ball went off before one third distance. This applied to the first tries of everyone except Razor’s Edge.

“It’s so close, is it going to go in, it’s... amazing!” The audience cheered. “First try for Razor’s Edge, and he’s through to the next round!”

A few rounds later, the next half-decent roll came from Blue Jay.

“Ooh, this is a good one. It’s slowing down, but it’s going to make it, oh, it’s drifting....” It rolled briefly along the edge of the hole as a golf ball might do. “Oh, it doesn’t get any closer than that! Is that the moment that cost him his life, we’ll have to see.”

The next round saw some serious action.

“Roll #7 for Orange Cream. Oh, it’s a quick one. Looking good... it’s in!” The audience cheered, and Twilight waited for them to quiet down. “And with that, if at least somepony misses this round, she lives another day.”

“Blue Jay’s seventh roll. Oh, I have a feeling this’ll be close... just to the left, maybe... oh, just to the left.” The audience let out a long “oooh”. “Blue Jay so close again.”

“Here’s Placid Night. Oh dear, he’s put a bit... yeah, it was looking good at first, but he put just a bit of curvature on it.”

“Midnight last up as always. That’s a bit slow, but it’ll make it. It’s to the right just a touch, but here it comes... and it’s in!” The audience cheered. “Midnight through to the next round!”

“Round #8, and suddenly we have just Blue Jay and Placid Night. One of these ponies is going to die, folks. Or maybe both, who knows? But one, for sure.”

“Blue Jay’s roll is... absolutely tragic. He looked to be getting the hang of it, but that was awful.”

“Placid Night. It’s a quick one, and it might... just to the right.”

The audience watched with their figurative popcorn as Blue Jay took position once again. “What will he do this time? We know he can do it. They can both do it. He’s still preparing himself... and there it goes. It’s looking good, it’s looking really good... and he’s done it!” The audience cheered. “Well, he’s almost through, let’s see how Placid gets on....”

“Look at how hard he’s concentrating. This really is it for him. Blue Jay watching nervously and maybe a little expectantly... and there it goes, but that’s a bit diagonal... and it’s rolled off. Placid Night knew from the moment that left his hoof.” She took him in her telekinesis as with the previous pony. “Well, you know what this means....”

She snapped his right tibia, then quickly the corresponding femur, and he screamed as one would expect. The left hindleg followed, then the counterparts on the right then left forelegs. “You know, I was going to pull out all your teeth, but you’re kinda loud.” She snapped his neck and dropped him. “Well, that’s that round. See you after the break.”

During the break, the arena slid under the floor in two pieces, revealing a spiked pit underneath, and four pairs of metal posts with a rope connecting them at the top were put in. “Welcome back to Perform or Die. We have four ponies left, which means this is the last round where the last place pony dies. You’ll all hang on one of these ropes as it digs into the back of your front knees, and whoever succumbs to the pain or slips first loses. It’s that simple. It’s also what the team of unicorns behind you is for.” They were lifted up onto the ropes. “And we’re going.”

One minute in, two of them had eyes closed and teeth gritted, Orange Cream had her eyes open but still seemed fairly stressed, and Razor’s Edge was downright bored. It turned out to be an extremely boring event, with nothing ever changing. After over two hours, Midnight raised her left leg up, causing her to slip and fall into the spikes on her back. She screamed much more loudly than others had done, and Twilight gave her five seconds before lifting her out, flipping her over, and slamming her back into the spikes, which stopped the screaming. The other three were lifted back to the podium area.

“Well, congratulations,” Twilight said. “You’re the survivors of this episode.” The audience cheered. “Now all that’s left to see is who will win the possessions of those who died. I don’t know if any of them were homeowners or something, but if so, you could be in for a big prize. So that was round three, see you soon for the semifinal.”

“Welcome back to Perform or Die, we have three ponies left. Next up, we have the quiz round. I’ll ask a series of questions, and if you buzz in with the correct answer, you’re through to the next round. But if you give a wrong one, then you’re the round’s loser and you go home with nothing. So first question: What is the multiplicative counterpart of sigma notation?”

No one knew, including the audience.

“Who spoke the line ‘It doesn’t have to be art’ in the Grapevine play ‘One Building’s Straightforward Construction’?”

No one knew, including the audience.

“What is the capital of Kechistan?”

“Who played Vanadium Spanner in the film ‘Always Room For More’?”

“What number did race flyer Diving Peregrine use in his championship season?”

“In the show ‘Hardwired’, what was Breakout’s original name?”

Blue Jay buzzed in. “Petrifier.”

“That’s correct! Blue Jay is into the final!” The audience cheered. “Right, one spot left. Who wrote ‘Anypony But You’?”

“Most of the Tinsel River is in which country?”

“Who was the Equestrian commander in the Second Battle of Knisi?”

Three minutes later, Twilight was out of cards.

“Uh... do we have another pack?” One commercial later, Twilight had another hundred questions to ask. “Okay. Who won the thirty-fifth through thirty-eighth editions of Rally Equestria?”

Razor’s Edge buzzed in. “Waterwheel.”

“And we have the other finalist!” The audience cheered. “So, Orange Cream....”

“I feel dumb.”

“You won’t die, of course, but you’ll have to leave us.” The audience cheered as she left the stage. “We’ll be right back with the final round.”

“Welcome back for the final round of Perform or Die. Now I’m going to ask the contestants slightly weird and slightly awkward but not grossly unacceptable questions. So, Blue Jay, would your obelus cutie mark have to do with your job?”

“I got it after a maths competition when I was eleven. So not specifically.”

“And Razor’s Edge, do you... have a cutie mark?”

“I do, it just blends in with my fur. It’s easy to see up close.”

“Right. So the final round is a fight to the knockout. You’ll each start on one half of the arena, and when I say go, the fight begins. First to have all four hooves on the floor completely outside the arena or lose consciousness is the loser. So take your places.”

The arena lit up with a rectangle along the outside and a centre line. Blue Jay went to the other side, with Razor’s Edge saving energy by only turning around. “Three... go!” Twilight said, a cue for the audience to cheer. Razor charged towards Blue Jay and jumped at him, which he sidestepped to leave him face-down on the floor with his back hooves just in. He got up as Blue Jay turned around and ran to one of the corners, Blue Jay following him. As Blue Jay took a split second to consider his next move, Razor uppercut him, which was distracting for long enough to let him get away.

They both moved away from the touchline. They were on opposite sides from the start, but nothing had really been accomplished. After twenty seconds of both waiting for the other to move, Razor’s Edge made another charge, but ended it sliding on his side. He hooked one of Blue Jay’s legs, but this stopped him instead of bringing Blue Jay down. Blue Jay got a small kick in the muzzle in before he got back up. They were now directly in front of each other, and they tried to punch each other, but they used opposite hooves and high-oned instead. Razor’s Edge backed up a few steps.

Blue Jay was the next to move, trying the tackling leap for himself, but despite the lower reaction time needed, it was still enough for the same thing to happen with roles reversed, minus almost losing. Razor got down on top of him in what was a very suggestive position, and Blue Jay tried to get away, but barely moving one of his legs was all he accomplished. Razor went from lying to kneeling on his back, still keeping his forelegs locked down. Blue Jay could now freely flail his hindlegs around, which got more frantic as he realised it was getting hard to breathe, then less frantic as he lost oxygen, then stopped completely, after which Razor got back up to the cheers of the crowd.

“Well, it was a somewhat awkward fight,” Twilight said, “But we have our winner of Perform or Die, Razor’s Edge!”

For the first time in the entire programme, he smiled. There was an unconscious pony next to him and three corpses that couldn’t have been too far away, but he wasn’t any of them, and he got most of their stuff. And he won a game show, which he would’ve enjoyed even more if he ever watched them. And approximately all of Equestria was going to watch a death game show hosted by Twilight, so he was going to become a celebrity overnight. He actually didn’t like that one, but overall, he was happy.

“So how does that make you feel?” Twilight said.

“Still not as good as getting past the third round. Maybe if I had any idea what I’d won, I’d feel a little better.”

“Well, that’s understandable. That’s all we’ve got time for this series, so see you in six months for the next edition of Perform or Die.”

One hour later, things were already being disassembled for a different game show.

“So how was—” Sugarcane said. “What are you doing, Citrus Punch?”

“Eating this—”

“It’s 1:01. Get to work. So how was hosting your show?”

“It was all I imagined, I had a really good time.”

“Glad to hear it. I mean, really, what a huge waste of time this would’ve been. So do you have any plans tonight?”

“I’m going to... no. Nothing special.”

“What?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Okay....”

“I bet you have something secret to do tonight too.”

“No.”

“That is what you would say, isn’t it?”

“I’m going to go home to my girlfriend, she’s going to rant about how I don’t contribute enough, and she’s going to beat me until I cry so hard I choke. Happens every week or so, and it’s been quite a while.”

“Uh... do you—”

“It’s a sex thing.”

“Oh. You could’ve just said you were going to have sex.”

“Yeah, but that would’ve been an obvious thing to say to hide the secret.”

“Do you just not want to talk to me?”

“I just want you to drop the secret thing.”

The rest of their conversation was about obscure television dramas.

Chapter 48: I’d Skip This One

A deer holding a cellphone was positioned in front of Twilight’s house. Her goal was simple: secretly get footage of Twilight or Spike on the balcony to make millions of views on whatever popular video sites wouldn’t take it down. It was nighttime, but the camera had a night setting which worked, in her words, “okay for a lot of stuff”.

Rainbow Dash came into Twilight’s bedroom, giving the one-time stalker something just as good. Twilight wasn’t there.

“Twilight? I’m here.”

“Just a minute.” After a minute, she came up with a bowl of fruit salad. “I hope you really like cantaloupe or any kissing’s going to be kind of—” The sound of a bell being rung came from below. “What was that?”

“Well, find out.”

She went down a few flights and eventually found Spike on the television floor. Between the television and the couch was a duct tape pentagram circumscribed with salt with lit candles on each point, and inside the pentagon of the pentagram was a pillar about as tall as Spike, atop which was a large game cartridge. Spike himself was standing on the couch and reading from a black book Twilight didn’t recognise.

“Spike?”

He kept reading for a moment before closing the book. “Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“It worked the last time I tried this.”

“Well, could you keep it down?”

“Probably. I still don’t know if this is what it wants.”

“Keep it down or you’re in for a broken arm.”

She went back upstairs. “So we are having sex, right?”

“That’s all you ever think about.”

“Answer the question.”

“I just came here for a roof to sleep under.”

“Well, the rent is making me come once.”

“Then I still have a lot of credit.”

“Fine, don’t have sex with me. I’m going to eat my fruit salad and then clop right where I stand right now.”

“Sounds good.”

That happened.

“Okay, watching that must mean you’re horny,” Twilight said. “Either you were before or you are now.”

Rainbow was lying on the lower bunk. “I’d rather just sleep.”

“Fine. Sleep. I’ll just clop again.” She went to the balcony. “Hey, is somepony there?”

She teleported in front of the deer, who quickly turned off the phone. “What are you doing?”

“Uh....”

She levitated the phone out of her hoof. “Get down.”

The deer got on her knees. “You don’t have to hurt me....”

“All the way down.” She got on her chest. “That’s better. Now, what’s your name?”

“Cinnamon.”

“Right... and where are you from?”

“Jasminetown.”

“And where do you work, if applicable?”

“If you want to kill me, you can just do it now.”

“I want to burn down your house, not kill you. So where do you work?”

“Pignon’s Bike Shop.”

“Okay. I’ll burn your house down within a week, so make arrangements.”

“I live with my sister.”

“Well, it’s your house or your life, and I think I know which she’d prefer. Also, I’d like if you left Ponyville.” She teleported back up and went inside.

“Hey, Rainbow, you want this phone?”

“I’ve never had much use for worldly possessions.”

“Okay, I’ll see if Spike wants it sometime.”

She put the phone down and went back to the balcony, waited a minute for Cinnamon to leave her sight, then began to clop. Sometimes living in a small town was inconvenient, but it was nice to be able to do things like this.

Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle was asleep, and Applejack was sitting against her bed eating apple slices with apple compote.

“Whah did you start tahpin’? Ah thought we were doin’ a Twahdash episode.”

“Usually their sex is really boring,” said the only transcriber there. “They just do the same thing for half an hour and never talk. So I’m recording you in case we need some filler. We might even get so desperate that we include me explaining to you why I’m here.”

“Ain’t really doin’ anything....”

“It’s a slice of life series, you don’t need to be.”

“Yeah, but... do they really wanna watch somepony eat?”

“They might. It’s not a very tested concept, maybe a minute of somepony eating will actually be really good.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom said. “Are you awake?” She wasn’t, but she somehow knew this was happening. “You need to wake up.” Apple Bloom slapped her twice on each cheek.

“Apple Bloom? What are you doing in my room?”

“You need to get up or you’ll never make it to school in tahme.”

She got out of bed, then without anyone casting anything, they were instantly in front of the school, which neither of them found at all strange. As they stepped into the building, Sweetie Belle fainted, then forgot any of the day had ever happened.

Half an hour since she left, Twilight came back into the bedroom. Rainbow Dash was asleep, once again irritating her with how easily she could just fall asleep. The only thing she felt like doing for the night was cracking a spell she simultaneously didn’t want to look at because she was so frustrated with it, leaving her in a very awkward place. She mentally ran through some activities she liked, and luckily one appealed to her: continuing her fanfic. And so she got on her computer, got on her browser, got on the site, and got on her document.

“Hmm... oh, I know. Half an hour since she left...”

Chapter 49: Reinforcement

Applejack was on her computer, with Rainbow Dash on the bed for company.

“Hey, can I tell you about something crazy?” Rainbow said.

“If it’s really that crazy.”

“Oh.”

An hour later, there was a problem.

“Rainbow?”

“Yeah?”

“Ah suddenly feel guilty about the love secret.”

“Maybe it’s because you’re reading that article where a pony talks about what keeping her romance a secret for so long did to her family, none of which applies to us.”

“Ah mean, it should be good news, raht? Love an’ stuff?”

“No, it would be weird. They’ll be happier not knowing.”

“But it’ll come out eventually, won’t it? Better that it’s now instead ah ten years?”

“No. We can trust who it’s been revealed to, especially with Twilight ready to kill anypony.”

“But... whah would it be weird anyway?”

“Look... say Pinkie Pie and I loved each other. And we had sex all the time. Would that be weird and disturbing to you?”

“Yes.”

“Would you ever want to talk to either of us again? If you and I didn’t have anything special, of course.”

“Ah wouldn’t stop being your friend....”

“So you don’t think we’re too far in and they’d all be too angry at us to keep the friendship.”

“‘Cause Fluttershah and Pinkie Pah are so known for their grudges and lack ah forgiveness.”

“So you think we should reveal it, right now.”

“Ah mean, if you think it’d be that way, Ah don’t wanna make the decision bah mahself....”

“Everypony would freak out because it’s sex. I think that’s what we’re doing by even discussing this. We all have secrets, this one is just about sex.”

“They wouldn’t not be our friends anymore....”

“I just can’t see it working if we aren’t all equal, I guess. They’d be third wheels in their most cherished friendship.”

“You mean... it wouldn’t be kept from ‘em anymore.”

“And that’s just as bad.”

“Ah think they’ve realahsed bah now who you like the most....”

“But you and Twilight are still keeping up the impression of equality.”

“It’s easier when you have one girlfriend.”

“Oh, you suddenly have a problem with—”

“No. That’s literally all Ah meant.”

“Well, I think revealing the secret would make everypony sad.”

“Ah... Ah mean, it would, but in the long term it’s better. And in the not bein’ a jerk term.”

“Then there’s only one thing we can do.”

“Ask Twahlaht?”

“Yep.”

The next morning, Twilight came out of the bathroom for a pleasant surprise.

“Wow, cake!” She picked up the chocolate sponge cake with pink frosting along with its plate and fork and took a bite. “This is pretty good.”

Spike came up shortly. “Twilight, did you... where did you get that cake?”

“It wasn’t you?”

“I didn’t buy or make any cake recently. Or ever.”

“Huh. Wonder who it was.”

Several hours later, Rainbow Dash flew in. “Hey, Twilight.”

Twilight was sitting against a bookcase and reading a book with no apparent title. “Oh, hi! How have you been?”

“Really good, actually. Applejack wants to reveal the love secret and I don’t, so you need to break the tie.”

“We can’t risk the stable society we have right now.”

“Thanks for supporting me.” She left.

Sweetie Belle was on her bed petting Opal, who had laid herself on the homework Sweetie Belle was meant to be doing.

“Come on, think... there has to be something you could do ponies would want to watch. Oh, you thought of... ew. Okay, yes, Sweetie Belle, that is something ponies would want to watch, but that’s disgusting. No, I don’t have any ideas yet, but come on. Not only do I not want to do it, we’d lose half our audience. Oh, yeah, we should probably clarify that. It’s not sexual. Still, though, we’d lose more ponies than we’d gain.”

“So did you hear the rumours that they’re replacing Sweetie Belle?”

“When the fuck is this chain-smoking girlfriend-impregnating delinquent going to finally fucking pick something?” Pinkie Pie thought. “Um, yeah, I did. I mean, it’s one of those rumours that’s basically news, really.”

“Do you think it could be you?”

“Obviously I have a chance, but there’s no reason to think it’ll probably be me.” A new customer came in. “Hi, Kartefour!”

“How do you know my name?”

“That’s easy, you live in Ponyville!”

“But I’ve never seen you before.”

“I’ve seen a pony who knows you.”

“And they told you my name and appearance?”

“Yep.”

“What’s the name of my younger half-brother?”

“Pyxis, but he moved out a couple of years ago.”

“Hey,” said the delinquent, although to be fair the crime he committed two years ago was stealing a stick of gum he saw fall from a bag. “What exactly are the fruits in the Fiery Collapse?”

“Lemon, mandarin, and cherry.”

With this new information in hand, or technically hoof, or technically brain, his decision became much easier. “Then I’ll have a Cinnamon Assault.”

“So did you hear the rumours that they’re replacing you?”

“Of course,” said Battleknife City player Heat Wave.

“So did you hear the rumours that they’re replacing you?” Rarity said.

“Of course,” said Sweetie Belle. “I’ve been even more desperate for something to do for the show than usual, but I don’t have anything.”

“I wish I could help, but I don’t either.”

“I mean, I don’t want to have sex because I’m a foal, as for interesting conversations, well, just look what I’m having to do right now, and I don’t have the skills to even put up a reasonable fight to anypony, much less win. And I know you won’t let me go on dangerous adventures....”

“You did just say you’d lose any and all fights you got into.”

The suction cups Sweetie Belle was wearing on her hooves all simultaneously stopped working, causing her to fall from the ceiling to the floor. “What am I going to do?”

“Well, you’re the one who knew how to put together a convincing audition.”

“Yeah... you see... yeah, you’re right!” She stood up. “I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

“So did you hear the rumours that they’re replacing Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo said to a grey, long-haired cat who she found against her box that morning. The cat didn’t respond to her. “I bet they changed their mind about me.”

Angel squeaked in various pitches and made a few gestures reminiscent of semaphore.

“I did,” Fluttershy said.

He stamped on the floor twice with his left foot.

“I don’t even want them to.”

The following afternoon, Cherries Jubilee was going through the day’s mail, and the only non-junk item was an envelope containing forty bits and a piece of paper reading “Tell them I’m good for the ratings. –Sweetie Belle”.

He thought for a moment. “Well, I’ll take the money.”

Chapter 50: Very Old Plastic

Sweetie Belle took the envelope from Derpy Hooves and closed the door.

“Hey, Rarity, a mail’s here!”

“Do you seriously have the audacity to use mail as a countable noun around me?”

“Yes.”

“Get over here.”

She went towards the desk Rarity spent half her waking life behind. “It’s for me, so I guess I should read it. I don’t know why I’m even involving you.” She tore the top off and found a single piece of paper inside. “Dear Sweetie Belle, all eight members of the Divine Board with the exception of Turquoise Waters believe that we could get more entertainment value than you provide us with from ponies we could pay the same amount of money, and you have therefore been sacked as a regular pony. Your last episode will be yesterday.”

“I’m sorry,” Rarity said.

“I’ll survive. I had the job for what, two weeks?”

“You aren’t sad?”

“I did like being on the telly, but it won’t be the last time anyway. It sounds like they’re getting somepony to replace me, so I wonder who it is.”

“Hah, Derpy Hooves,” Apple Bloom said. She extended her leg out, took the envelope, brought her leg back, put the envelope in her mouth, extended her leg again, took the doorknob, closed the door, put her hoof back on the floor, went to the nearest table, sat down, put the envelope in her hooves, tore it open, took the letter out, and put the envelope down.

“Dear Apple Bloom,

By the decision of all eight members of the Divine Board with the exception of Caffellatte, we have recently relieved Sweetie Belle of her contractual obligations. We found your audition impressive and feel your part-time performances merit you a proper chance, and you have therefore been given the first chance to be her replacement. Your first scene as an official ‘mane character’ will begin tomorrow. Further instruction will be mailed to you on the morning.

Expectantly, but like in an ‘I’m confident in you’ way, not trying to put any pressure on,

Schokokeks.

P.S. If you ever want to have sex without a revenge aspect, my son is a sort of male fangirl of you and is about your age. Respond if interested.”

“Golly!” Apple Bloom said. “Ah gotta tell mah siblin’s about this.”

She went into the orchard and quickly found Applejack, whose orange was very conspicuous against the earth tones everywhere.

“AJ!”

“Hey, Apple Bloom. You got somethin’ to tell me?”

“Ah got chosen to replace Sweetie Belle!”

“Really? That’s great!”

“Ah know! Ah’m gettin mah big chance!” Suddenly her countenance became much more neutral, even a bit apologetic. “Is it selfish to feel so happy about takin’ this from Sweetie Belle?”

“If you can say ‘selfish shellfish sell fish with seashore seashells she sells in Seychelles’ in one trah, Ah’ll forgive ya.”

“Selfish shellfish shell... shit.”

“You’re a terrible pony.”

“That shucks. What am Ah gonna do now?”

“Learn the secret you get to know when you’re a mane character.”

“What?”

“Well, along with me, Rainbow Dash also has Twahlaht for a sahde girl.”

“Ah mean... really?”

“You got a problem with mah girlfriend?”

“No, it’s just... Ah’ll need a bit.”

“Big Mac’s comin’. Run before you comedically spill the secret.”

Apple Bloom sprinted off and jumped over a hedge, cutting her leg on a stick mid-jump.

“Nothin’ here,” Applejack said. “Really, you need to trust me a bit.”

“I just wanted to know why Apple Bloom was here. And I thought I heard something about you having a romantic—”

“You musta misheard. Don’t you realahse how ridiculous that sounds?”

“Why did Apple Bloom jump—”

“Do you need to know everythin’ about everypony ever? Seriously.”

Big Mac realised where this was going and headed back where he was.

To the left of chemonbar™ was a stereotypical dark alley, complete with a skip and ponies with suspicious dark coats, as if wearing clothes at all wasn’t questionable enough. To its right and in front of it were roads that were like many roads in moderately-sized Equestrian cities: made of bricks, wide enough for two cars to pass each other if they were both very slow, and intended for walking and cycling. They weren’t forbidden to cars because of how much it amused everyone to see a tourist realise what they had done, and many wing mirrors had been lost in that city and many others. Behind chemonbar™ was a brothel, above it was a cloud with two pegasi talking, and below it was a tunnel, part of a network of pony-made caverns that housed one thousand of the city’s fifty thousand ponies. Underland was its own ward, and Chemon had Equestria’s only three-dimensional ward borders, even if it was just a normal, two-dimensional map with one ward covering everything below it.

The road in front of it was lined with houses that looked ready to fall apart, with broken or missing planks and slightly tilted parts commonplace, a few houses held up by stilts. This was restricted to an area of a few blocks, all the other houses in the city in perfectly normal condition. Right off the other road was a drop that, whilst not perfectly vertical, looked like an unrecoverable situation if one slipped, which led to a fast and splashing river that, whilst not quite rapids, still looked plausibly lethal to fall into, beyond which the city continued. There was no barrier anywhere on either side.

It was a clear, sunny afternoon, and Twilight was the first to come, but she didn’t talk to herself about it. Next was Rainbow Dash, but she didn’t either. Applejack and Apple Bloom didn’t talk to themselves, but they came there together.

“This looks lahke the place,” Apple Bloom said.

“Are you sure?” Applejack said. “‘Cause the big ‘chemonbar’ sahn makes me wonder.”

“Uh...” said a stallion standing there. Despite being a fairly basic, casual, and generally common establishment, they were pretentious enough to have a bouncer outside. “She’s waaaaay too young to be in here.”

“Only a couple years.”

“Not her. Actually, probably her too, but I was talking about you.”

Apple Bloom looked to her big sister, both literally and figuratively. “Whah would they send us here if we couldn’t come in?”

Everything in the bar that could be chrome was. The floor, walls, and ceiling, tables and chairs, bar and glasses, all at least chrome-plated. The layout was quite normal; bar on a long wall, door on a short wall, lavatories opposite the door. Being inside as they were, Twilight and Rainbow were already having a chat.

“Where are they?” Rainbow said. “They were supposed to be here two minutes ago.”

“I know, it’s ridiculous. Wait, you think that’s ridiculous?”

“I’m just impatient. They know to say they’re with the show, right?”

“If you figured it out, I’m sure Applejack can.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes.

“What, are you saying she’s not smarter than you are?”

“Just because I don’t know the capital of the easternmost province of Landlockedistan doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. How many times will I have to say that to you before you understand?”

“Well, you shouldn’t’ve got with Twilight.”

“Yeah, because I’m the one who needs this relationship.”

“Are we supposed to say somethin’ or...” after which Applejack descended into muttering.

“Go somewhere else,” the bouncer said.

“Never,” Apple Bloom said. “Mah first chapter as a mane character won’t—”

“Mane character? Oh, so that’s what the cameras and transcribers and you ponies looking and sounding exactly like Applejack and Apple Bloom are about. Come right in, we’ve been waiting for you.”

“Look!” Rainbow said. “They’re here!”

They went to the table—with a third, and then half, of the ponies who saved the world, it was certainly not just any table—and took seats.

“Hi,” Twilight and Rainbow said.

“Hi,” the other pair said.

“Whah’d they want us to meet up here?” Apple Bloom said.

“Sponsorship,” Twilight said. “Didn’t they tell you? They told me.”

“The letter tellin’ me to go didn’t mention it.”

“That’s weird.”

Sounds included clinking, laughing, mugs being filled, and the crashing of waves overhead.

“So,” Rainbow said.

“So you’re staying with me tonight,” Twilight said.

“She’s stayin’ with me.”

“What about Big Mac?” Rainbow said.

“Still not sure. Maybe Ah should just let ‘m in on the secret. Wouzha be okay with that?”

“But he’s a good pony, he might tell everypony.”

“He’s a good pony, so he’ll keep a secret.”

“Well, you certainly know him better than I do.”

“So Ah was talkin’ with Scootaloo the other day,” Apple Bloom said, “And... well, we did a great job ah bringin’ up subjects the other didn’t care about, and really it was pretty unsatisfah’n’, but Ah had to say somethin’ now or Ah would explode.”

“I’ve exploded dozens of times before,” Rainbow said. “Luckily, they were all figurative.”

“Is it really lucky to have never died in an explosion?” Twilight said.

“Yes.”

“How?”

“You either do or you don’t, there’s a chance of each you can’t fully control, so if you don’t, then you’ve had good luck.”

“I guess.”

“So what’ll y’all be up ta tonaht?” Twilight said.

“Having wild sex with AJ,” Rainbow said. “You want it to be wild, right?”

“It’d sure be nice after the last couple times,” transcriber #1 said. “I mean, uh. Never mind.”

“What?” Applejack said.

“We’re everywhere, you know.”

“Ah know, but... watchin’ us have sex? When we think we’re alone?”

“Yeah. Most of us not clopping.”

“...Caaan you not watch us?”

“Usually we can’t watch private-feeling things, but when you signed the contract....”

“Well... anyway. Rainbow. Ah do want it to be wahld. But what about Big Mac? ‘Cause if we wanna be together tonaht... Ah mean, not just tonaht, this has really sucked sometahmes....”

“Yeah. I mean, right now I have sex with Twilight more than you. That’s ridiculous.”

The conversation apparently ended, so Apple Bloom took her turn. “Ah’ll be plannin’ mah evil plan.”

“You can’t leave it at that,” Twilight said.

“To rape Dahmond Tiara.”

“What?!”

“You murder ponies, don’t be all hypocritical. Besahdes, now that Ah’ve mentioned the plan, it won’t happen. But yeah, rape.”

“I want ‘er to dah already,” Applejack said, “So a tortured existence is fahne with me.”

“Same ‘ere,” Rainbow said. “So, AJ, let’s actually decide it now: Big Mac? Telling?”

She looked at the table for a moment. “Yeah. Ah mean, he’s kept secrets Ah’ve told ‘m, so there’s that to go on.”

“Well, I can’t argue with actual data. Go ahead and tell him.”

“Ah will.”

“Okay, you all have plans,” camerapony #2 said. “The episode can end now.”

“What are my plans?” Twilight said.

“To go home and clop.”

She looked at the table. “Yeah.”

Chapter 51: The Apple Bloom/Diamond Tiara Rape Chronicles, Part 1

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were at school having lunch. Unlike Apple Bloom who as usual had brought her own food and Scootaloo who was happy to be eating, Sweetie Belle, despite having the same food as Scootaloo, only felt suffering from hers. This was the typical school food situation for them. Also typical was Twist not sitting with them; she did not too long ago, but she turned evil after gaining her cutie mark and was consequently kicked out.

“So since you’re mah friends,” Apple Bloom said, “You get to know about mah evil plan.”

“You’re evil?” Scootaloo said.

She leaned her head over the table, and the others followed. “It’s half ‘cause Ah want to and half to act crazy so Ah keep mah job, but... Ah’m gonna rape Dahmond Tiara.”

“When did you become evil?” Sweetie Belle said. “Also, what?!”

“Ah ain’t evil, just the plan. Pay evil unto evil, or however the hell that goes.”

“I want her to die already,” Scootaloo said, “So a tortured existence is fine with me.”

Sweetie Belle looked to Scootaloo, who she was sitting beside, then back to Apple Bloom. “Are you crazy?!”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s rape. I mean, if you killed her, okay, but rape is unforgivable.”

“Ah maht kill ‘er, but the rape definitely comes first.” She went back to sitting normally, and the others followed. “You sound lahke you’re gonna tell somepony, Sweetie Belle.”

“I won’t, don’t get paranoid. It’s just... I can’t believe you’d do that.”

“Well, she deserves it.”

That night, Apple Bloom was lying facedown on her bed making the plans, as she hadn’t yet made it past “rape Diamond Tiara”.

“And when the eggs hatch...” she said, looking at the paper in front of her and doing an excellent job of writing with hooves. “No, that’ll never work.” She drew a zigzag through some egg shapes. “How am Ah gonna get ‘er alone? She has to be alone at some point when she’s walkin’ home, but she’ll see me. Can Ah run faster than ‘er carryin’ all the stuff Ah need? Where am Ah gonna hahde it anyway? What if somepony does fahnd it?”

Whilst Apple Bloom thinks about that, let’s watch Applejack make the big reveal to Big Mac! That sounds fun, right? Well, it’s all we have.

Big Mac opened the door. “What?”

“What’s botherin’ you? Ah just wanna tell you somethin’ real quick.”

“What?”

“Appledash and Twahdash are true.”

“Really, what do you need to tell me?”

“Really.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Will Rainbow Dash and Ah have to do what we had to do to her?”

“Eeyup.”

“Hey, Rainbow, get over here.”

Rainbow came from Applejack’s room. “Yeah?”

Applejack sat down. “Ah told him the secret and he didn’t believe me.”

Rainbow got down, and when muzzle and genitalia came together, Big Mac was convinced. “Okay, okay, stop.”

“So now do you believe me?”

“I need some time alone.” He shut the door.

After a good forty-five minutes of showering, Twilight came out of the bathroom, or “lavatree” as Rainbow once spelled it, and only once.

“How was your clop?” Spike said.

“What makes you think....” He didn’t respond. “You’re a hypocrite.”

“So?”

“So you’re not allowed to complain about something if you do it.”

“Why?”

“Because then you’re also insulting yourself.”

“Why?”

“Okay, I’m not doing this with you.”

“Why?”

She gave him a knockout bolt.

The following three hours were bizarre, as Twilight never read or did anything sexual or violent. She just watched arguably funny videos, only stopping for a brief break to make a sandwich. Eventually she was forced into another break when she heard someone at the door, and after weighing her options, she came down.

“Hi, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said.

“This isn’t how you come in.”

“Yeah, I’m mixing it up today.”

“Well, come in. I guess.” She closed the door and took them up to the bedroom.

“Why is Spike on the floor?”

“I knocked him out because he was being annoying. Hey, there’s a spell I want to test, can I do it on you?”

“What is it supposed to do?”

“It should make you unable to move your lower legs. Basically breaks all your knees in terms of what you can move, but it isn’t painful or anything.”

“And if you screw it up?”

“I should just be able to undo it, but it’s possible that I won’t be able to do it the normal way and I’ll have to spend days looking through books for the other way I know exists somewhere in the many thousands of obscure spells in the world.”

“Just foalnap somepony.”

“I will. Now get—wait a minute....”

“What?”

“I’m not horny.”

“What?!”

“I’m just... I don’t know. I’m already doing something.”

“Oh, you’re just studying stuff? You were—”

“No, I mean... look. Look at the computer.”

“I don’t see anything—”

“Look at the monitor.”

“Oh. Wait, that’s what you’ve been doing?”

“For hours.”

“I mean... I didn’t even come here for sex, it’s just gonna rain.”

“If that’s really what you cared about, you’d just be on a cloud.”

“Well, it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s more like I don’t care. Either is fine.”

“Okay... I guess we won’t have sex, then. Got kinda used to it, to be honest.”

“I’m sure we’ll be fine in a couple hours.”

This was the perfect day to do it, Apple Bloom thought as she ignored the teacher talking about one of the many conferences in the eighty-year string of political arguments that gave Equestria its independence. The weather was dramatically foggy and no one had yet discovered the equipment in its new hiding place, plus her training run stalking Diamond Tiara home saw her spotted before she even separated from Silver Spoon, but she just got called a creep a couple of times. She would be free to pull her into the non-proverbial copse along the trail and rape her.

He picked up the chalk and went on what would most likely be an extended period of drawing, and Apple Bloom heard a quiet “hey” to her right. It had to be Diamond Tiara yet again trying to get her punished for a note, and looking in the appropriate direction confirmed it. She took the crumpled piece of paper, knowing what was likely to come later that day, and Diamond Tiara yet again wondered why she took the note at all. The last few times she tried it, Apple Bloom had ignored her, but now she was reverting to taking it. And because it just had to happen, he looked back just as Apple Bloom stretched her leg out to Silver Spoon.

“Again, Apple Bloom? What is this now, the fifth time this month?”

“There’s a good reason—”

“Since detention seems to have no effect on you whatsoever, I’m lowering your grade for this class by three points.” Equestrian school grades were typically out of twenty-four.

“Fahne with me. You want this, Silver Spoon?”

She shook her head.

“Fahne, Ah’ll take it.” She tore the paper with her teeth and ate the part that ended up with her mouth.

It was lunchtime. Apple Bloom had various preparations of apple, Sweetie Belle still had a white powder and an orange substance reminiscent of frozen yogurt in colour and texture but certainly not taste, and Scootaloo had already finished everything.

“This is the day Ah’m gonna do it,” Apple Bloom said.

“You’re a primary school foal,” Scootaloo said. “You have no reason to be desperate for sex yet.”

“Not that, rapin’ and maybe killin’ Dahmond Tiara.”

“Oh, yeah. Is there a way you’ll decide whether you kill her or....”

“Ah’ll give ‘er a chance to convince me not to.”

“I’m still having a hard time thinking of you as a good pony,” Sweetie Belle said. “I know you’re doing it to a jerk, but revenge is still wrong, isn’t it?”

“Nope. Maybe that’s how you were raised, but you know who raised you?”

“It’s a basic moral everypony knows. Revenge is wrong.”

“No, it’s a basic moral everypony knows: revenge is okay. Raht, Scootaloo?”

“Yeah.”

“See? Your opinion is unpopular and therefore wrong.”

“I just don’t agree with you. Sorry.”

“Well, if you care so much, then trah an’ stop me today.”

“You know what? Maybe I will.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo left school together, Sweetie Belle already gone.

“You see Dahmond there?” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah.”

“Follow ‘er.”

Apple Bloom went behind the building, and still there was the cardboard box she had written “DO NOT LIFT!” on. She pushed it aside to reveal some obviously manipulated dirt, and pushed that aside to reveal bags to wear and a few ropes. She gathered the equipment and ran back to Scootaloo. This running caught the attention of Silver Spoon, who looked the other way and then tapped Diamond Tiara’s leg.

“What?”

She pointed to Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, who were frozen in terror, and Diamond turned to look at them.

“Now you’ve brought Scootaloo with you?”

“Yep. We’re gonna stalk you together.”

“I know you’re trying to freak me out. I won’t give you any more satisfaction.” They continued on their way.

“I know this is where we split up, but we didn’t really finish our discussion,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Well, I can’t waste a lot of time, you know how my mum is,” said Silver Spoon. “We can pick it up tomorrow, it’s not like you’re going to die.”

“I know. Goodbye.”

Silver Spoon nodded once, leaving three ponies to head towards Diamond Tiara’s house.

“Thanks for comin’ with me, bah the way,” Apple Bloom said.

“Like I have anything to do,” Scootaloo said.

“You know, we’re gonna assault you, Dahmond Tiara. You wanna run?” She didn’t change her speed or say anything. “Don’t say Ah didn’t warn you.”

One particular time Apple Bloom tried to move her right hindleg, she didn’t get very far. Looking over her shoulder, she saw Sweetie Belle on the ground holding it.

“Scootaloo? Sweetie Belle’s holdin’ me bah the leg, which is impressive and all, but you need to help, ‘cause Ah can’t—” Scootaloo kicked Sweetie Belle in the head a few times until she let go and stood up. “Thanks.”

“I’ll keep her at bay, you go on without—ow!”

As they neared the copse, Apple Bloom ran up beside Diamond Tiara instead of hovering ten or fifteen metres behind her.

“You wanna faht me?”

“You aren’t going to hurt me, you just want to be annoying.”

As they came alongside the area, Apple Bloom went bipedal, leaning slightly forward both so that the ropes wouldn’t fall out and so that any fall would be easier to catch. She took a rope out.

“Look at this.”

“No.”

She pushed her down, briefly went back to four hooves as she went in front of her, and waited for her to get up.

“Okay, what do you want?”

“Ah wanna rape you.”

“You just—”

Apple Bloom threw a rope around her and strangled her. Now with an unconscious Diamond Tiara, she tied the rope around her hoof and tried to pull with her teeth, but the rope slipped out of her mouth. She then tied the other end to her own hoof to turn her into an ankle weight, which worked very slowly. So slowly that before she was even off the path and into the trees, she heard hoofsteps coming towards her. She turned to look and, through the dramatic fog, was only able to make out a foal. She looked back forward and got into the trees, trying not to think about the rapidly approaching hoofsteps, but as they came close to her, she had to look. It was Scootaloo.

“Oh, it’s just you. Ah was scared.”

She went the remaining few metres up to Apple Bloom. “I knocked out Sweetie Belle, you need help with anything?”

“Just get Dahmond onto mah back.”

“What about the rope?”

“Ah’ll get it off later.”

“All right.” With a grunt, she picked Diamond Tiara up, then put her on Apple Bloom’s back. “Anything else?”

“Nope. In fact, you should probably get away in case somepony comes.”

Apple Bloom dumped Diamond Tiara off at the destination, where there were trees as far as the eye could see, which wasn’t very far with so many trees everywhere. Here, Apple Bloom had put four metal poles in the ground, and luckily no one had gone into the thicket, found the poles, and decided to take them and sell them as scrap metal. She put Diamond in the middle and tied her up, then took off the bags, and all there was to do now was wait. A slight breeze picked up, and after an initial few minutes of worrying that every rustle of a leaf indicated that she was about to be caught, she calmed down and felt boredom instead of fear.

When Diamond Tiara finally woke up—Apple Bloom had zoned out for a while and couldn’t guess how long it had been, but it seemed slightly darker than before—she had some questions.

“Apple Bloom?”

“Yeah?”

“Why am I tied up?”

“Ah’m gonna rape you.”

“What?!”

“Not this second. Ah need to slowly build up to it for maximum trauma.”

“But you’re going to rape me.”

“Yeah. There’s nothin’ you can do, so Ah’d just relax and enjoy it.”

“I feel like I need a chemical bath after sitting next to you in class, and now having sex with you?”

“You should be excahted. Here, do Ah need to do somethin’ sexy?” She threw off her bow. “How do you lahke the look ah me now?”

“This... this is a massive overreaction to name-calling and getting you the occasional hour of detention where you actually have to work instead of drawing silly things and barely passing. Not that I was ever trying to help you, but face it, I’ve helped you learn.”

“If you were the one who had to go through all ah that knowin’ none of it was your fault, you’d understand that anything that doesn’t involve the loss of a limb is incredibly generous. Now answer the question, are you attracted to me or not?”

“Getting in trouble at school isn’t as bad as being raped.”

“Ah guess that’s where we just disagree. What it all comes down to anyway is that you decahded to be evil to me, so then bah bein’ evil to you, Ah’m good.”

“So... I started it.”

“Yeah.”

“And then, to get even, you rape me.”

“That’s the plan.”

“That isn’t even.”

“Like Ah said, Ah agree, no permanent injuries. Now do you fancy me or not?”

“Look, can you just get this over with?”

“You seem to be dodgin’ the question, but Ah don’t have anything else to say, so okay.”

Apple Bloom got down in front of Diamond and began to eat her out. Diamond inhaled sharply when she felt her tongue touch, then as Apple Bloom really got in, she started to breathe quickly, not hyperventilating but still noticeably faster than normal. She tested just how deep the poles were and how well Apple Bloom had tied her, and the answers were deep enough and very well. Apple Bloom clearly wasn’t bothered by her attempt at escape, and Diamond wasn’t certain she had even noticed it.

Apple Bloom isn’t like this, Diamond thought. She’s the good one. Or maybe she still is, that’s probably how everyone in Ponyville would look at it. She had done enough to be designated evil, so anything was fair. Or maybe they were both evil. Maybe everyone was evil; even people who did altruistic things did it to avoid guilt, always doing what was best for their own happiness whether they realised it or not. It’s better to be well-fed in a comfortable, sturdy shelter than dead, she thought as she snapped back to reality. Thinking about philosophy took her mind off the rape for a minute, but a large wave of “pleasure” had just brought her back. This was actually happening. Apple Bloom had her tongue inside her. How disgusting an experience was was how much it resembled this.

When she felt the orgasm near, she began to cry. Apple Bloom made no attempt to delay anything, and in a few seconds she came, which came with many more tears. Apple Bloom had her tied up. Sex was ruined. Apple Bloom was still licking around her vagina. All the worst things she could think of had come together, at least those not involving the loss of a limb as Apple Bloom had pointed out. When she stopped coming, Apple Bloom licked up all the fluids and got back up.

“You win, Apple Bloom.”

“Whah’re you crahin’? Ah told you to calm down.”

“You’re better than me. I’m your little bitch.”

“You’re actin’ lahke it’s over.”

“It is over. You finished it.”

“Ah think you already know that ain’t for you to decahde.” She got on top of Diamond and tried to kiss her, but she turned away.

“Apple Bloom....”

“Just let me do this and Ah won’t hurt you.”

“I’m sorry....”

Apple Bloom put her hooves behind Diamond’s head and kissed her. Having Apple Bloom’s tongue deep in her mouth was at first exactly as horrible as the previous stage, but after a minute she got used to it, in the way that the fiftieth baseball bat to the head wasn’t as painful as the first. She was even able to settle down a bit, and within five minutes or so, she found something pleasant about it. Apple Bloom wasn’t actually disgusting, at least that day, and she was pretty attractive. It was just the whole idea of Apple Bloom dominating her. There was barely anything sexual about it. But just as she was finding a way to convince herself things were okay, Apple Bloom stopped.

“Hey, keep going.”

“It’s obvious you’re fuckin’ with me.” She partially got up, putting her front hooves in front of Diamond’s front legs but keeping the rear half of her body essentially the same. “Ah promise this’ll be the last part.”

“I’m ready.”

“Sure.”

She started rubbing her genitalia against hers, and all the bad memories of the first phase came back. It wasn’t quite as bad without Apple Bloom’s tongue inside her, but despite thinking a moment ago she had figured it all out, she hardly enjoyed it now. “What are you gaining from this?” she said, to be completely ignored. With a bit more crying, she took the torture until Apple Bloom came, then took a bit more torture as Apple Bloom licked the juices up and she briefly relived the part she hated the most. Apple Bloom lied on top of a slowly and heavily breathing Diamond.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“No. It was rape.”

Apple Bloom wiped the tears away, but they were immediately replaced. “Ah mean, you think Ah’m hot, don’t you? That’s why you didn’t answer me.”

“So what? Nothing could be worse than this.”

“It could be Silver Spoon. Or Ah could chop off your leg.”

“Just let me go. You said this was it.”

“Ah could fuck you ‘til you lahke it. Then you’d lahke it and it’d all be okay.”

“Let me go.”

“Fahne.” She got up and untied all the knots as Diamond’s breathing became very slightly more normal. Diamond got up. “Ah know you’ve tortured me for a much longer tahme, but Ah’ll be generous ‘n’ say we’re even now.”

“Well, I’ll certainly stop....”

“Don’t think Ah’ll give you years until Ah faht back again lahke Ah did now. You can go home now, Ah’m gonna pack this all up.”

“Okay.” She walked away.

Chapter 52: Applejack Spends Her Entire Day Fucking

Big Mac didn’t know what Applejack wanted when he was on a chair reading and she barged into his room without a single knock, but he could guess.

“There’s a problem,” Applejack said.

“You’re horny?”

“Yeah.” She came in and kicked the door closed. “Mark that book and let’s have sex.”

He marked the book and put it on the desk with the computer he mostly only used because all newspapers had turned into websites or gone bust. Applejack got down and began to stroke him, and things just wildly escalated from there.

An hour later, Big Mac was on the floor exhausted, being conscious for most purposes, with Applejack lying on his bed with similar physical and mental capabilities. Someone knocked the front door, but Apple Bloom was at school.

“You get it,” Applejack said.

“You get it.”

“Come on, Ah was the dominant one doin’ all the movement. You were against a wall most ah the tahme, Ah don’t even know whah you’re so tahred.”

“You’re the one with the bed.”

“Only ‘cause you were too tahred to reach it. Wait... okay, Ah’ll get it.”

She came down and got the door.

“Hey, Rainbow.”

“Hi... you look sleepy, is it just me?”

“Nah, Ah just had a lotta sex. Come in.”

She did come in. “So I guess you aren’t in the mood?”

“Give me two or three hours.”

“I’ll be back then.”

After having sex with Twilight for a while, Rainbow came back to a much more awake Applejack.

“Hey, Rainbow.”

“Hi... you look better now.”

“Yeah, just needed some rest. Come in.”

She did come in. “So I guess you’re in the mood?”

“Give me two or three minutes.”

“I’ll be back then.”

After gliding a few laps around the barn, standing being something she had hated from the day she could reliably fly, she came back to an Applejack in very similar condition to the last time she saw her.

“Hey, Rainbow.”

“Hi.”

“Come in.”

She did come in. “So I guess you’re in the mood?”

“Give me two or three seconds.”

“I’ll be back then.” She went out and back in. “Hi. So I guess you’re in the mood?”

“Yep. Let’s go.”

They went up to her room.

“You know what Ah want today?” Applejack said.

“No.”

“You’re gonna be shocked.”

“I’m ready. Wait, is that what you want? Then I’m not ready.”

“No. You don’t have to do this, just don’t make fun of me, okay?”

“If I can handle Twilight, you’ll be just fine.”

“Ah wanna have normal sex. Without any fetishes.”

“So you aren’t gonna hurt me?”

“Not at all.”

“Just slap me a few times.”

“Do you need pain to feel—”

“I don’t have a mental disorder, it just doesn’t feel right.”

Applejack gave her four weak, apathetic slaps. “Now can we go?”

“Yes.”

They kissed for a few minutes, then had sex for a few hours. But eventually, as they lied together on the floor, Rainbow said something that meant they had to stop.

“That was a really good round,” said Applejack, who had more of her body sticky than not. “When do you wanna go again again again again again again again... again... Ah forgot how many it’s been.”

“Actually, I think I’m done.”

“Oh no, really?”

“Yeah. It’s time to do something else.”

“At least stay here.”

“If you need me, I’ll be somewhere in Equestrian airspace.”

“Please don’t go....”

“I guess I could talk for a bit, but I really don’t wanna have sex.”

“We can talk, just don’t go.”

“You seem really emotional about this.” Applejack took one of her hooves and licked it. “I said no more sex.”

It lasted half an hour before Rainbow had another reason to leave.

“And that’s why I have a pasta machine at Twilight’s place,” Rainbow said. “Now, like I said, it’s getting dark, so I should really go now.”

“One more tahme?”

“We can kiss for a few minutes, but—”

Applejack pulled her in, and they did. But it only lasted a few minutes.

“—After that, I really have to go.”

Applejack sighed. “All raht. Have a good naht.”

“I will.” She got up and left for that big blue thing we call the ocean.

“Big Mac, we need to have sex.”

“Why?”

“Ah need to have sex.”

“Didn’t you just—”

“If Ah don’t have sex, Ah’m gonna eat one ah mah pillows.”

“Just let me finish this list of the top thirteen Equestrian peanut butter brands.”

That was indeed what he was using his computer for. “Are you... into peanut butter history?”

“Don’t you think that if I really was hardcore, I wouldn’t be reading a clickbait list? I would be somewhere like pbhistory.ca.”

“...The world’s most popular peanut butter history sahte?”

“No. All the mainstream places are terrible.”

“So... should Ah clean mahself? So Rainbow’s cum isn’t there?”

“If you’re really about to eat your pillow, then it’s okay.”

She waited as he finished reading.

“I’m ready.”

“Get on the bed.”

An hour later, Big Mac was on the floor exhausted, being conscious for most purposes, with Applejack lying on his bed with similar physical and mental capabilities. Someone knocked the front door.

“You get it,” Big Mac said.

“Okay.”

She came down and got the door.

“Hey, Apple Bloom.”

“Hey... you look sleepy, is it just me?”

“Nah, Ah just had a lotta sex. Come in.”

She did come in. “So Ah guess you ain’t in the mood?”

“Give me—what?”

“For our game of Across the Board.”

“Oh, yeah. Fifteen, twenty minutes.”

“All raht.”

The game was packed up and Applejack was back in her room trying to think of a way to do something productive, but a bigger issue came up: she was horny. She went up to Big Mac’s room and knocked the door. And then he opened it.

“What is it?”

“Can we have sex?”

“We’ve already had sex for hours today.”

“So is that a yes or a no?”

He shut the door.

Applejack sat on her bed. “What am Ah gonna do? Ah can’t not have sex. There has to be some way Ah can convince him... Ah know.” She took off the ties in her hair and shook her head. “All he needs is somethin’ fresh.”

She went up to Big Mac’s room and knocked the door. And then he opened it.

“What happened?”

“Ah made mahself look so attractive you’re—”

He shut the door.

“What am Ah gonna do now?” she said as she failed to put a tie back in for the third time. “Hey, Apple Bloom, in here!”

Apple Bloom came into her room. “What is it?”

“Ah need you to get these back in. And close the door.”

She kicked the door closed and went up on the bed. “That all?”

“Ah doubt you could help, but Ah can’t fahnd a way to have sex with Big Mac. If Ah don’t have sex with somepony, it’s gonna be bad.”

“Why not rape ‘m? You do it all the tahme.”

“Ah can tell he doesn’t want that raht now. Ah need to convince him he does, and Ah’m all out of ahdeas.”

“Well, don’t ask me.”

She looked at a corner of the bed. “Ah think Ah’m gonna fuck one ah mah bedposts.”

“Whatever makes you happy.” With her job done, she got off the bed and left, unaware that she was speaking figuratively.

About an hour later, Applejack came into Big Mac’s room without knocking or otherwise giving a warning. “Hello,” he managed to say before Applejack pulled him out of the chair and lied on top of him.

“We can have sex now,” she said.

“Do you mean—”

“No.”

“But—”

“Are we having sex or not?”

“Sure, I just wish you wouldn’t rape me.”

“That’s whah Ah just asked. You’re so sensitive.”

One sex later, all was well. Applejack went back to her room, Big Mac resumed what he was doing, and everything would be fine until the next morning.

Chapter 54: The Useless But Sexy Hypnosis Spell

Twilight and Spike were both in the bedroom when they heard someone at the door.

“I’m reading,” Twilight said. “You get it.”

“But you can teleport.”

“Go.”

Spike went all the way down and got the door. “Twilight? It’s Rainbow Dash.”

She teleported down. “Come in.”

Rainbow went inside. “So what crazy sex do you want today?”

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to hypnotise you.”

“So I won’t even enjoy it?”

“No, it’s not like that. You’ll still be conscious, you’ll just do whatever I say. If you really can’t bear to do it, you’ll helplessly watch as your body disobeys you, but you’ll always be conscious.”

“I do anything you say anyway. How will you even know it’s working?”

“Your eyes. So are you up for it?”

“Sure. Still don’t see the point, though.”

She teleported herself and Rainbow back to the bedroom. “Ready?”

“Did you learn this as another way to murder ponies, and this just occurred to you an hour ago, or the other way around?”

“It’s actually pretty useless. You have to stare into each other’s eyes for eleven seconds, and then like I said, the pony’s eyes change. So they can stop it by blinking, and if they don’t, anypony will know they’re hypnotised, or at least that something’s wrong, and then you’d still have to tell the pony not to hurt you once they’re hypnotised. There’s a lot of time to get stabbed before you actually have the upper hoof.”

“All right... well, I’m ready.”

Twilight’s horn began to glow, and they looked into each other’s eyes. As the time neared and Twilight put on an evil smile, Rainbow blinked.

“Rainbow....”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

Twilight’s horn began to glow, and they looked into each other’s eyes. As the time neared, nothing happened, and when she saw Rainbow’s eyes start to change, Twilight stopped and closed her eyes for a moment.

“Are you okay?”

“Sorry, just the staring made my eyes hurt....”

“So did it work?”

The whites of Rainbow Dash’s eyes were the purple of Twilight’s magic glow. “Yeah, it worked.”

“So how long does it last?”

“Ten minutes. But as long as I command you to make eye contact every nine minutes and forty-five seconds, it lasts forever. Of course, we’d have to sleep eventually, so that kind of puts a limit on it too.”

“So what are you going to make me do?”

“I don’t know. Like you said, this is pointless.” She sat against the lower bunk. “I guess the usual until I can think of something.”

Rainbow got down and got to work, and Twilight started to think. What would be not depraved enough for her to like it, but still depraved enough that she’d have to rape Rainbow into trying it? An idea came to her almost instantly, but she just as quickly realised that she didn’t have any celery at the moment, so that was out.

“What’s something you’re not into that I am?”

Rainbow looked up. “Eating feathers.”

“Just yours. And that doesn’t torture you. I can’t believe I can’t think of anything. Torture... pain... beating... I could beat you with a hammer. I’ll do that. Still, I... I mean, I have to do something else after that. Something not sexual. I have a Rainbow Dash that’ll obey any commands I give her, I can’t do a simple lust beating. Even if that is... hah... what I think of whenever I think of an obedient Rainbow Dash. Anyway, stop.” She stopped. “I’m getting the hammer.”

“Spike?” Twilight said.

Spike came into the den. “Yeah?”

“Where the fuck did you put the fucking hammer?”

“In the drawer in the desk.”

She opened the drawer and, in addition to several books, there was the hammer. “Is that where I told you to put it?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, really? Okay.”

She came up to the bedroom. “Hey,” the now standing and now free Rainbow Dash said.

“Hi. I’m going to rehypnotise you and beat you with this.”

“Why would I agree to that?”

“I should be asking you.”

“Good point. Anyway, I agree.”

They did the routine again, then Twilight hit her on the top of the head with the hammer. And hit her again, and again. Rainbow got down and defended herself with her legs.

“Hey, Twilight?”

“I don’t care.”

“It actually feels kind of nice on my legs....”

She got a clean shot at the back of her head. “Well, I want my girlfriend to suffer.”

“Twilight, come on....”

She got another couple of hits in, then a few more. “Rainbow? Why did you suddenly stop defending yourself?” She didn’t answer. “You’re unconscious, aren’t you?” She threw the hammer at her head. “Unbelievable.”

“Twilight?” Rainbow said.

Twilight was using telekinesis on Rainbow’s hoof to clop. “Oh good, you’re back. I didn’t permanently injure you, did I?”

“Not that I know of. I would hope my one true love wouldn’t do something like that, anyway.”

“Your... one true love?”

“Yeah. Because I love you. Applejack too, but not as much. Are you sure you’re not the one with a damaged memory?”

“I guess I was just being paranoid. Yeah, you’re... you’re fine....”

“What?”

She sighed. “I have to do the right thing, don’t I?” She got up and Rainbow followed. “Do you remember Zecora?”

“Yeah. I thought you said nothing was wrong.”

She took them to Zecora’s hut and knocked the door. After a few sounds of paper and glass being moved, she answered it.

“I gave Rainbow Dash brain damage again,” Twilight said.

“That’s the second time this week. How does this keep happening?”

“In about a minute, either neither or both of you will have brain damage.”

“Fine.” She retrieved a bottle with an oddly saturated blue liquid. “Drink this.”

Rainbow took it and drank it. “I... nothing seems different.”

“It might take a few seconds. It isn’t gradual, though, it should just—”

“I got it. I love Applejack and such.”

“Good.” She took the bottle from Rainbow’s hoof and shut the door, and Twilight made the return teleportation.

“We’re still having sex, right?” Twilight said.

“I’m not blind to a lack of reasons we shouldn’t.”

Several hours later, just before two in the morning, Rainbow woke from her coma. What a great and typical night it had been; sex, more sex, listening to Twilight recount her recent adventure to retrieve the Celestine of Tranquility, more sex, Twilight beating her with her bare hooves, more sex, and finally being strangled and falling unconscious. As Twilight had left her on the floor, she got on what was effectively her bed and tried to make herself sleep.

The next morning, Rainbow Dash woke up to find a pony lying on the floor who, she had to be honest with herself, was likely dead. She could hear the shower running, so she closed her eyes again and waited both for herself to wake up fully and for who she assumed was Twilight to get out of the shower, and then after that to dry herself, then to get out of the bathroom. After a while, her assumption proved true.

“Rainbow, you’re still here!”

“Yeah.”

“Get out of bed right now so I can fuck you.”

“You can fuck me right now. Anyway, I want to to know what the dead pony is about.”

“I don’t know, she just teleported inside. Said something about a kiss, but by that time I had already shot the death ray.”

“It was probably just a fangirl.”

“A home-invading creep who clearly wanted to rape the pony she loved.”

“See? You would’ve got along great.”

“If she thought coming into my house uninvited was a good idea, she clearly wasn’t that big a loss to the world.”

“Yeah, I guess you could see it that way. So did seeing me still here make you horny?”

“I was already horny.” She got on top of Rainbow. “We’re having sex now.”

“Do we have to?”

She turned around and pulled her blanket back, and so the 69ing began.

“Dammit,” Spike said to himself, “Where did Twilight put the honey bread?” Having searched every place in the kitchen, he went up to the bedroom to ask her. “Hey, Tw....” He sighed.

Chapter 55: Nourishment

Like every night in Ponyville, it was nighttime. Scootaloo was asleep, and it was the job of Torus Café employee Dead Ringer to place a doughnut beside her without waking her up. She was levitating a box of doughnuts each wrapped in a couple of napkins, the unsold ones from that day, and it was her turn to distribute them to homeless ponies. She successfully placed the doughnut beside her without waking her up, then successfully walked away.

It was a pleasant day. Twenty degrees, partly cloudy, a 10 km/h wind from the east. Scootaloo was in her box eating her strawberry cream cheese-filled doughnut, perhaps the only food she would have over that day and tomorrow. Just at her street corner eating her doughnut. The simple life. According to her, her survival situation wasn’t that bad; she spent a lot of time at school and some time over at Apple Bloom’s and Sweetie Belle’s houses, so she got at least forty hours of shelter and five meals a week and usually more.

It was scheduled to rain that day in Ponyville, and no cloud-clearing whatsoever was done for the day. However, the predictions were slightly off, and that night, it rained like they were on the edge of a hurricane. No lightning, just a lot of rain. This was fine by Scootaloo, who had her plastic bottle out to collect it whilst she philosophised under her box. The sound of rain hitting cardboard directly above her head was much louder and blunter than the traditional sound of rain, but it was still pleasant, and definitely better than the long silences to the point of sensory deprivation she usually got to experience. The box was starting to let the occasional drop through at the corners, but it wasn’t that bad yet. But suddenly, something actually happened. She listened as some splashing noises clearly distinct from the rain slowly came closer to her.

“Scootaloo?” Fluttershy said.

“I don’t care what you have for me, I’m fine.”

“Do you want to stay at my house tonight?”

“Well... the box is starting to leak....” She overturned it.

“I’m sorry I don’t have any clothes for you...” said a Fluttershy in a full set of a coat, leggings, and boots.

“That’s all right.”

As they arrived at Fluttershy’s house, Rainbow Dash was tied to Applejack’s bed, had tape over her mouth, and was bleeding in a couple places from overwhipping, but she wasn’t half as wet as Scootaloo. Fluttershy went inside followed by Scootaloo, after they wiped their hooves for about a minute.

“What should I make for you?”

“Water.”

“Is there something less depressing?”

“I liked the generic soup you made before.”

Fluttershy was crushed into a cube by a scrapyard compactor at two things: first, that her soup was apparently generic, and second, that she didn’t get to make something different. Helping Scootaloo was already not very variable, and now she had to cook the exact same thing?

“You don’t have to have that again.”

“Well, I’m sorry I like it so much I want it again. Having the same doughnut flavours other ponies rejected and the same school food day after day really makes me crave variety sometimes, so to want the same thing again means a lot for me.”

“That’s fine. I was just saying you don’t have to have it. Like you said, you have the same food a lot of the time.”

“I know. Sorry I got mad.”

“It’s okay.”

Fluttershy went to make the soup and Scootaloo went to take a shower. Fluttershy dropped a couple of things due to being ungulate, and Scootaloo dropped the soap and thought it was funny then realised that that joke doesn’t work because she’s a quadruped and even if it did she kind of felt bad thinking prison rape was funny, but it was generally uneventful.

“Scootaloo?” Fluttershy said. “The soup’s ready.”

“All right, I’m almost out.”

Fluttershy had two problems with what she had just said: first, raising her voice felt weird even if it was just to call someone, and second, the soup was only done, and it hadn’t been put into bowls or cooled down very much yet. By the time Scootaloo came, neither of these were problems, but her lie would haunt her until she forgot ever specifically saying it the next day. The table was already set, food and half the party included, so she took a seat.

“How have you been?” Fluttershy said.

“Just normal.”

“That’s... good?”

“Yeah. Look, you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I’m happy to quietly mooch off you and leave.”

“You’re not mooching, you’re a starving foal. Besides, I was the one that came to you.”

“It isn’t like I have a life to talk about anyway.”

“You go to school.”

“I guess. I have a couple friends, I get frustrated at failing things. There isn’t that much to it. I am just a foal, after all.”

“What about surviving?”

“Oh, that’s not that interesting. I sit around and hope Torus Café doesn’t sell everything out. I’m not alone in the wilderness.”

“You really don’t have anything to say?”

“It isn’t a complex thing, honestly. What about you?”

“Having a few pets doesn’t produce much drama.”

A long silence ensued. They ate their soup, Scootaloo feeling quite happy with her situation and Fluttershy feeling more awkward than usual. Before Fluttershy even made a dent in her serving, disregarding that it was liquid, Scootaloo finished hers.

“Already? I know you’re Scootaloo, but....”

She pushed the bowl towards Fluttershy. “Next.”

Fluttershy got her another bowl from the massive pot the likes of which even Scootaloo wasn’t going to clean. “Here.”

“Thanks. Sorry if I seem ungrateful.”

“I wasn’t thinking that.”

Fluttershy felt she couldn’t just sit there all day, she had to say something. This was wrong, as Scootaloo had explicitly stated, but she felt awkward.

“So... do you like your life? I mean, you obviously don’t, but... are you happy?”

“Yeah. I’m bored and hungry most of the time, and sometimes I cry about it and drink my tears, but I survive winters and I’ve never really come that close to starving, so it’s not that bad. I don’t know if bored is the right word, actually, because I am happy. I think I’m more content. Besides, it’s all about the baseline anyway. Ponies are just as happy however comfortably they live, maybe short of prison, and it’s when something unusual happens that you feel happy or sad. And by living like I do, I’m happy with pretty much anything. I really, really enjoy food and especially sleeping on a bed, when most ponies don’t even think about it.”

“You really think you’re happier than you would be with a normal life in a developed country?”

“No. But everything has its advantages.”

The awkwardness that only Fluttershy felt resumed. She still had a long way to go just sitting there, and she didn’t have a legitimate reason to leave the table. Scootaloo said she would be fine with it, but it still felt rather rude.

“Scootaloo?”

“What?”

“I... I feel like we should talk, but I don’t have anything to say....”

“Neither do I. It doesn’t matter, the point was to feed me, wasn’t it?”

“Yes, but... it’d be a bit strange to just sit here....”

“I’m okay with it.”

Later, a pony named Stealth Fighter got his smoothie from the pickup counter at the southernmost of the three Smoothie Smiths in Canterlot, then somehow carried it over to the table where his friend Olive Oil was waiting. Olive Oil also had a smoothie, the flavour of the smoothie providing a negligible amount of entertainment when compared with its bendy straw.

“Hey,” Olive said.

“Hi. Is your smoothie good?”

“Pretty. So continue with the story about your girlfriend.”

Either Scootaloo had to be full or Fluttershy had to try to be social again. One of them had to happen, no matter how long it took. Fluttershy sat there and watched Scootaloo eat her second bowl of soup, but after that there was still a long way to go.

“You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to,” Scootaloo said.

“I don’t have something to do....”

“Look. You don’t want to talk, I don’t want to talk. You don’t need to feel bad about anything. There must some animal that needs attention, right?”

She knew something felt weird, and it was now that Fluttershy realised how unusually quiet the house had been. “I don’t think so.”

“Well, don’t feel like you have to stay here.”

“Wherever I am, I’ll be waiting awkwardly....”

“Is there anything else I can do to make you feel like a good pony?”

“You can sleep here tonight.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

They smiled at each other, then once it started to feel weird, Fluttershy got Scootaloo her next bowl and everything went back to normal.

“I think that’s it,” Scootaloo said, having just finished her fifth bowl. “I’m not hungry.” She looked at her glass of water. “Or thirsty, either. It’s a weird feeling.”

“So what now?”

“I’d love to be awkward with you for a while longer, but I need to sleep.”

“The bedroom’s upstairs, I’ll show you.”

She led Scootaloo out of the kitchen and across the front room and pulled out an attic ladder. They both climbed up. It was a proper, finished room, with a carpeted floor, painted walls, and a ceiling that wasn’t shaped like a series of rafters, but there was an obvious problem.

“There’s only one bed,” Scootaloo said.

“We can both sleep in it.”

“Are you sure we won’t accidentally have sex?”

“It only applies to ponies who have sexual feelings for each other, doesn’t it?”

“I guess, I’m just worried.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about.”

Scootaloo went on the bed. “So do you have any more rooms I haven’t heard about?”

“The basement leads into a dungeon.”

“Why do you, Fluttershy, have a dungeon?”

“I wasn’t the first to live here, okay? I never use it.”

“Sorry, it’s just weird.”

“Um, I have something to ask you.” Fluttershy pulled a sheet from under the bed. “Do you want this? I never use it.”

“I’ve tried owning blankets and such before. Stolen overnight every time.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. So are you staying up for a while longer?”

“I think so.”

“Ruff!” Whiskers said.

“Yes.”

Fluttershy went down to feed her parrot Whiskers, but he wasn’t in his newly open cage. After an unsuccessful search of the ground floor, she went back to the bedroom.

“Fluttershy?” Scootaloo said.

“Yes?”

“You’re not Fluttershy, you’re a parrot.”

Fluttershy came up. “How did you get out of your cage?”

“Squawk....”

“Well, you need to get back in.”

“No.”

“You can’t—”

“I’ve spent my whole life in a cage. Ever since I was born in the kennels—and branded ‘pet quality’ by your typical eugenist fanciers, but that’s another subject—I’ve always been in a cage, whether it’s in a pet store or in your house. Not even one big enough to spread my wings in. Do you know how unhealthy that is? You should, considering it’s in your job description. I’m not even asking for a huge aviary, just a cage bigger than my wingspan.

“It’s not just that, though. When you got me, I more or less hated my life, and I was hoping having an actual owner would make everything change. A decent living space, not eating one food my entire life, not having to deal with the constant noise of a hundred other birds. You don’t need me to tell you none of that has changed.

“To be honest, I’m getting bored with life, but it’s not as if there’s anything I can do. You’re too observant for me to sneak out one day, and I don’t know how to live in the wild anyway. Imagine Scootaloo’s life, except she can never leave her box and there’s a pack of dogs barking at her every waking moment. Food security aside, that’s what you’ve put me through. I hate to use a stock phrase, but I can’t take it anymore, and you either improve the conditions for all of your birds or you won’t have one of them anymore.”

“I... I’ll get you a better cage. You could’ve asked at any time.”

“Oh, you know what it’s like. Nervous about if you’re being ridiculous, afraid that the other person will tell you you’re needy and you just need to accept that life isn’t always heaven. But I decided that considering how I feel about my continuing existence, I wasn’t asking for too much. You know how it feels asking for something like that, though.”

“Well, I’ll get all of the birds something better.”

“I’ll get back in my cage now.” He flew downstairs.

“So,” Scootaloo said.

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’ll be back in about an hour, I’ve got something to watch.”

“Sounds good.”

After that, Fluttershy and Scootaloo slept together. When Fluttershy woke up, Scootaloo was already gone, so she went where she was mostly likely to be, in the kitchen. Scootaloo wasn’t there, but she noticed the pot was empty, filling her with guilt at not making enough food for her. “Scootaloo?” she said, but it went unanswered. Scootaloo really had run out of food and left. Or so she would think until the next time she opened the lower cupboard second from the left, but for now, she felt terrible. What kind of terrible pony underfed Scootaloo? Fluttershy did. And so she spent the rest of the day feeling guilty and looking sad and withdrawn, not that she interacted with anybody who knew her well enough to tell it apart from her shyness.

Chapter 56: Rainbow Dash Collects Congratulations

It was the day after the fourth Sunday in March. This was important because, from March to October, the fourth Sunday of every month was when the CEC Zone Race Flying Championship held its races. Like most fourth-tier race flying series, it had a characterless name indicating the area in which the races were held, but unique to fourth-tier race flying series, it had Rainbow Dash in it. And after two years of failure, never finishing a single race in the top ten in her rookie year and just managing it a few times the next, this seemed to be her breakthrough season, as she had come second in the major Equestrian city of Trottenham.

It was a hot, sunny, humid, absolutely miserable day out, and Applejack was sitting on her bed with a book and an apple when she heard someone knock the door. She rushed down, knowing that after the package, this one definitely had to be Rainbow Dash, and this time she was right.

“Rainbow!”

She went inside and Applejack closed the door. “Hi. Do you know what it’s like out there?”

“Sure do.”

“They drove me to the nearest point to here that the roads covered and I had to fly the rest.” She lied on her back directly under the ceiling fan that was in the room.

“So Ah guess you’re feelin’ pretty good about the race?”

“Ugh, I’ve answered that question enough times. Yeah, I’m feeling good. Being on the podium in an adult race for the first time felt preeetty good. And I’m only sixteen, so, you know, that’s looking good for my career if I can keep it up. So did you see it?”

“Yeah. You think Ah would miss it?”

“Sorry... that means a lot to me, by the way, that you watch a sport you don’t care about just because of me.”

“Well, it’s not so boring Ah’m just bored. Most sports are decent, Ah just have things Ah lahke more, that’s the kahnda pony Ah am. So... wanna do stuff?”

“You’re not having sex today. I did the race which was in horrible fucking conditions, then I had to do more flying at fifty fucking degrees because our road network barely exists, and now I just want to lie here all fucking day.”

“Ah never said that.”

“Well, it isn’t happening.” The conversation went silent. “So as I was saying, I’m awesome.”

“Ah know that already. Frankly, that’s so obvious raht now Ah fahnd it patronising that you said it.”

“Hey, did you say an I sound? In patronise?”

“What? No. You must be hallucinatin’ from the heat and exhaustion.”

“Okay... so you do whatever, but I’m staying here.”

Applejack lied down with her. “Ah’m stayin’ with you.”

“But I have nothing to talk about right now. I mean, obviously I could go into tons of detail about how my weekend was, but I know you don’t actually care.”

“We can still do what we usually do. Agree with each other about television, agree with each other about politics....”

“Yeah. Hey, did you see Murder Farm this week?”

“Yeah. Bluegrass was such a moron.”

“He was not.”

The afternoon was warm and slightly humid, but far from the oppression of yesterday, and it was Twilight’s turn as Rainbow flew directly into her bedroom.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash,” Spike said.

“Hi. Where’s Twilight?”

“Getting groceries. I saw the race a couple of days ago.”

“Oh, cool. I suppose you want to tell me how awesome I am?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t that great a race, honestly, but you did well so I didn’t really care. Anyway, you’re fucking amazing.”

“Thanks.”

“So you think you can beat Shooting Star into a disorganised pile of atoms next time?”

“I don’t know, it’s been one race. I might win next time or I might never get on the podium the rest of the season. It was a pretty convincing win, so I don’t know, but even if I can’t, she’s twenty-three so I won’t be too hard on myself about it.”

“Accepting you might not be the greatest? That’s not the Rainbow Dash I know.”

“Well, I was pretty disappointed a couple of years ago when I didn’t win, win, win, but that’s what taught me to have realistic expectations. After the last two seasons, I’m really happy to be as far up as I am.”

“I see what you’re saying. So how did it you feel when you won the U16 championship and then things just didn’t work?”

“Right. So when I beat a bunch of fifteen-year-olds at thirteen to be crowned the best youth flyer in the country, I felt even better about myself than before, but the truth is that Equestria isn’t really that great a country in race flying. I know we have Redshift in the RFC—you know, this’ll have a lot of stuff that doesn’t make sense to non-race flying ponies.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it. Let’s be honest, the editors are waiting for Twilight anyway.”

“Anyway, the point is that we aren’t well-represented in major series. So to beat a bunch of young Equestrians in a race doesn’t really mean that much. Still, I had nothing left to gain, so I entered the CEC Zone championship where I am now. I know I could’ve moved up from the U16 to the normal Equestrian championship so it looks like I skipped a level, but really, the adult Equestrian series is a bunch of hobbyists so it really wouldn’t’ve helped me.

“Anyway, I had this idea in my head that I was going to beat everypony. The previous year had made me used to winning, and I had already forgotten what it was like to be average like I was my first year in the U16, which was just because of my age, as I kept reminding myself.” She sighed. “Now I want to go back to my time in U12. Anyway, yeah, I expected to win most of the races, and then in my first race I came sixteenth. And then fifteenth. I got pretty disappointed, that’s for sure, but I think the shock was good for me. It reminded me that I flew because of flying, not because of winning, and being pretty far back I was able to relax and enjoy it. If I had come around fourth, fifth, sixth in the initial races, I think that would’ve kept me annoyed without teaching me a lesson.”

Eventually Twilight showed up. Rainbow came down to the kitchen to see her.

“Hi, Twilight.”

She turned around. “Rainbow Dash! Well, this is a nice surprise.”

“Did you see me be awesome a couple of days ago?”

“No, you know I’m not really into sports. Spike told me about it. I’m really happy for you, though.”

“That’s good. I guess.”

“Seriously.” She dropped a plastic bag and hugged her. “Who wouldn’t be happy about their girlfriend’s athletic success?”

“I don’t know. I thought I found out.”

“I’m really happy for you.” She stopped the hug. “You can bore me with how your week away from Ponyville was as much as you want.”

“Why bore you when Spike is here? He actually likes race flying.”

“You don’t want to tell me all about it?”

“Of course I do, but like you said, you’d be bored.”

“I’ll give it a chance.”

They went to the bedroom, and within fifteen minutes, Twilight was asleep. But with Spike being in the same room, Rainbow still got to talk about it for hours, and to someone who actually found it interesting.

Next on the list was Fluttershy.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash.”

“Hi. I don’t know exactly what it was, but being successful at sports made me want to visit everypony I know.”

“Well, come in.”

She seriously considered not doing it. “Anything new?”

“Not really. Besides, this is about you. So tell me how your week was.”

“You actually want to hear it?”

“Of course I do.”

“Where do I start?”

“At the very beginning.”

“All right... well, I met my team—which in a fourth-tier series you don’t typically have much of a team, like I just have a friend who owns a car, a unicorn who pays me to let her lug all my stuff around because she’s that happy to be part of the life of Rainbow Dash, and a single pony who works under my tent in the pits whose main job is righting water bottles that the wind might knock over, she doesn’t actually do much strategy stuff unless...” This went on hours into the night, Fluttershy being surprised at how interesting she found everything up to the actual racing. “...So I washed off all the residual caramel and we kept driving back. Then we got to the point where they dropped me off, I said goodbye, and that’s the end.”

“What a story.” She noticed the light level outside. “Will you be fine going to the next pony?”

“I mean, probably, but if I want to be safe I should just stay here. I don’t know if you’re okay with that....”

“Of course you can stay here. I want you to.”

“Great. I don’t really have anything to do, though....”

“I know something. Here.” She pulled out the attic ladder.

“Wait, you... how many rooms does your house actually have?”

“Even I’m not entirely sure of the number. Come on.”

They climbed up.

“I always thought you just slept in the living room.”

“No, this is it.”

“Is there only one bed or is there another one in another room?”

“There’s one bed. Is that a problem?”

“We aren’t quite that close....”

“You really think something’s going to happen?”

“No, but we can’t take the chance.”

“It’ll be fine.”

“I know it’ll be fine. I know I’m just paranoid. So were you going to show me something?”

“Oh, it’s just a game.” She went across the room and opened the wardrobe, the only thing in the room apart from the bed, its associated bedstand, and a lamp, and pushed a board game across the floor.

“The idea of you proposing to do something competitive is creeping me out.”

“I know what you mean, but it’s because it’s that good. I hope. I’ve been waiting for a mature pony to come over so I can find out.”

“What made you bring this box into your house?”

“It just looked that good. And then I read the rules and it made me feel even better about it. There isn’t a special reason.”

“Well, I see your point... I’ll try it once.”

The game was mostly about timed abstract puzzles, throwing darts, and reaction time tests of various types, but nothing especially amusing for an outside observer happened. Otherwise the transcriber would’ve transcribed it because she’s doing a very good job and probably deserves a raise, you know, not much, just enough that the mind-reading classes she took will make a profit before she reaches her life expectancy. She had certainly been doing a much better job than the other main transcriber who just wanted to make a bunch of jokes instead of just recording what happened in a way cameras with a narrow field of view or ponies who couldn’t read minds might not be able to offer. There were even rumours about getting rid of the transcribers and just novelising the video version, which would be ridiculous for the reasons previously stated, but they were ultimately just crazy rumours and she wasn’t that bothered by them. The point is that she was ridiculously underpaid for being an employee vital to a rich company’s success.

“For the match,” Fluttershy said. She gave Rainbow a card with three differently-coloured triangles and turned over an hourglass.

“Okay, purple, grey, and... and... orange. Those make orange. Now what? No, no, this is wrong. How much red do we have? One and a... no, zero. I mean one. One of everything except green. So that makes the answer... one red triangle.”

“That’s right!”

“Wow. That game is such a... you know, it’s a Twilight game. Twilight would fucking love this.”

“Did you love it?”

“It was okay. If I liked the puzzles, they must be good. Or bad because I have no taste in puzzles, who knows. What did you think?”

“I’m just panicking all the time. In a good way.”

“Yeah, that’s the kind of thing it is. Tell you what, I’m definitely ready to sleep after that.”

“I know what you mean. I’ll see you in an hour or so.”

“All right.”

They didn’t accidentally have sex, and the next one up was Pinkie Pie. Rainbow entered Sugarcube Corner, but the pony behind the counter was a pale green mare with a white mane with straight hair, and that definitely wasn’t what Pinkie Pie looked like.

“What have you done with Pinkie Pie?”

“She’s sick. I’m her replacement for today.”

“Well, I came here to tell her something.”

“Then you’ll have to come back tomorrow.”

“I will.”

Spitfire’s house in Cloudsdale, her final destination, didn’t stand out from the rest of the neighbourhood. It was a simple single-storey box, which was common in cloud cities, as they had no reason to be very creative with their buildings. The house was painted a pale turquoise or a vibrant sky blue, with a single door on the extreme left looking from the outside. A window with white curtains started next to the door and spanned most of the front side.

Spitfire answered the door. “Hi, Rainbow Dash!”

“Hey.”

“Come in.” It happened. “You’ve made every Cloudsdale resident who likes racing so proud. And this time you did it without saving the world.”

“I figured you might want to tell me how awesome I am in pony, but I didn’t think it would happen this quickly.”

“Well, it’s what you came for, isn’t it? And I’m happy to do it. Here, sit down.”

They took a seat on the couch. The house was more or less four quadrants, with the living room in the front, kitchen rear left, bedroom rear right, and a small bathroom front right, the kitchen with a white theme and the living room with everything the same asparagus.

“So I saw the race. You played it really well, and you finally seem to have the power too now that you’re a bit older.”

“Yeah, considering Star was... doing what she should be doing considering how long she’s been in this level, really, I did really well. I certainly didn’t expect to be so good, and honestly I don’t even know what happened to me.”

“Well, the important thing is that you don’t suck anymore. So tell me everything about the weekend, no matter how small a detail.”

It happened. “So I got in the car and... so ends the race weekend.”

“Well, that was really fascinating.” The instant the talking stopped, she noticed something. “Wow, I am hungry.”

“We could get something with my second place prize money.”

“And how much is that?”

“1,250 bits.”

“Oh. I expected it to be a hilariously small or large number.”

“Well, that’s what you get for that place in that series. Also, we can’t actually do that because I don’t have any money with me.”

“Well, if you don’t have something else to do, I am not losing my chance to go to a restaurant with you, Cloudsdale’s only two-time hero.” Someone knocked the front door. “Let me get that.”

She got it, and on her doorstep was a stallion with faintly blue but basically white fur. “Oh, and I suppose all the ponies I’ve saved from fire don’t make me, like—”

“Dude, stop stalking me.” She firmly shut and locked the door. “Sorry about that, the fire chief has a... thing for me, to say the least. So can we go?”

“I just said that to mention my awesomeness again, but sure, I got nothin’ to do.”

And thus ended Rainbow Dash’s 80% successful mission to collect congratulations. They went to a restaurant of middling fanciness, unknowingly followed by Saltwater Lake, and they enjoyed a wonderful meal without even the faintest, most ambiguous hint of romance, much to one party’s disappointment.

Chapter 57: Opposite Day

It was a cool, dry morning in Ponyville when Twilight came into Sugarcube Corner.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie.”

“Why aren’t you leaving? You’ve been here for hours.”

“No, I mean... bye, Pinkie Pie.”

“I don’t understand. Have you had a torturous day?”

“I... comprehend the rules of Opposite Day perfectly.”

“I can’t help you with that.”

“Um... please? I mean... I don’t mean you better fucking tell me.”

Pinkie Pie sighed. “Don’t worry, you get it. You’ll be just fine. Here’s how it works: exactly once every sentence, keep the meaning of what you’re saying the same as what you would normally say. Then the pony you’re talking to won’t have to invert it again to get the original meaning.”

“Okay, um... could you please not tell me the Opposite Day safeword, should it exist?”

“Sorry, but there is no safeword. It’s “worm”, just put it at the end of a sentence. But do it often enough and everypony will love you for not embracing the holiday.”

“I... have no fucking idea what you just said.”

“Somepony as smart as you should really have got it by now.”

“Seriously, though, I’m ungrateful that you told me the rules.”

“You don’t have to be such a bitch.”

Twilight went home, and Spike was there on the bottom floor.

“Goodbye, Spike. I’m not apologising for screwing up Opposite Day this morning.”

“I can never forgive you for what you did. Knowing how many years it’s been, you had no excuse for being confused.”

“Well, I’m off to read like I never do any day of the week. Hopefully we can understand each other perfectly now. Sorry, that’s exactly what I meant to say.”

“Don’t expect me to be too lenient if you make a mistake.”

“Are you hurt? You used a word an eight-year-old foal would know.”

“Well, I’ve barely met you, that’s just what happens. Haven’t you failed to notice the same thing happening to Rainbow Dash?”

“Honestly, I think you’re wrong. I was justified in my surprise.”

Meanwhile, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were in bed together.

“Rarity?”

“No?”

“Did you forget everything that happened last night?”

“No, why?”

“The only thing I forgot was this blow to the head you gave me. Just saying that makes me so confused.”

“Ah think Ah did the raht thing. It was one crazy naht, though.”

“That makes me feel a lot better.”

Applejack started to pet her. “Ah don’t really care.”

“Pinkie Pie,” said a mare with pale blue fur and a purple mane, “Just looking at you makes me want to vomit.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have no idea what you want?”

“Unfortunately, I came in with a plan. If only you still had either of the things I can’t stand.”

“That’s simply unacceptable. This place is crowded, take your time.”

“I don’t find that very comforting.”

That morning, Scootaloo was eating a strawberry preserves-filled blueberry stick doughnut with sugary glaze and sprinkles that didn’t really taste like anything, coated with chocolate-covered caramel, iced with cookie dough, and wrapped in pale pink fondant. There were so many calories that she would be set for the day if it wasn’t just sugar paste, but at her intake, pretty much anything was good for her anyway. Still, she wasn’t going to feel too well with just that in her.

The Cutie Mark lunch table was Apple Bloom alongside Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo paired with an empty seat. Apple Bloom had just arrived without any food.

“Bah, Scootaloo. Ah see that, unlahke me, you spilled your food all over yourself.”

“You usually don’t just bring a bag of apples from home.”

“That’s whah Ah’m so good at it when Ah need to be.”

“I was barely registering Sweetie Belle, did Diamond Tiara laugh at you?”

“Pretty hard. She’s been botherin’ me every class recently, Ah think she learned her lesson.”

“I know it’s been a while, but I’ve become quite comfortable with the fact that that’s the kind of pony you are,” Sweetie Belle said.

“If Ah killed her, you’d care.”

“That’s not true, but....”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.”

“It’s just unbelievable you haven’t done that to even a single pony.”

“Ah respectfully disagree. So, Scootaloo, how’s your lahfe been?”

“I died last night.”

“Sorry, Ah found an easy way to make that opposite.”

“I have a life worth talking about. Ooh, actually, there’s nothing at all. Torus Café have this really old doughnut—to me, anyway—where they cover it in a bunch of layers.”

“Lahke Pastry Parish haven’t ever done?”

“No. To be honest, it was probably just an original thought they had.”

“Ah don’t get it, but okay. So... does the food suck?”

“Horrible as always,” Sweetie Belle said with a clearly sarcastic tone.

“Honestly, I could live without it,” Scootaloo said. “Figuratively speaking.”

Sweetie Belle came into the Carousel Boutique. “Bye, Rarity.”

“What?”

“I said goodbye.”

“But you came in.”

“No, I left.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I wish you had never figured it out.” She made her way to her room.

Applejack opened the front door. “What’s down, Apple Bloom?”

She came in. “Everything was crazy today.”

“That sucks. Ah know you hate your lahfe.”

“Not quahte.”

“So...” Scootaloo said. “How are you, little sister? I’m great, pony I love and care for like she’s my mother, and legally sort of is. How wasn’t school? Oh, you know, nothing much happened. I’m dead serious. Did everything really happen? Yes, I’m fine, because I absolutely hate my life. I have no food. I depend on the weather for water. I have a roof that constantly leaks. And I’m practically surrounded by actual buildings. My life is one big joke.” She took a sip from her water bottle. “I have nothing to do, because I don’t live in a box. Imagine how great that would be. Not having to beg to every pony that comes by. Not having to eat grass when they don’t give you anything. That sure would be great.”

“You don’t have any choice, Rainbow,” Applejack said. “You have to be tahed to mah bed at all tahmes.”

“It’s as if I literally asked for this. This isn’t fun, okay? It’s just not as fun to be with you when I’m tied to something.”

“Ah can’t tell what you’re actually askin’ for. It’ll be years before we have sex again, okay?”

“You better do everything you can to make me feel happy. I’m not waiting all this time just to have sex that basically feels like rape.”

Twilight was in bed crying. There was only one reason this ever happened.

“Pinkie Pie?” Spike said as he stopped sweeping the floor. “What’s right?”

“Rainbow’s here.”

“I’m unaware that you love her, but you really seem to need her sometimes. You’ll have sex for over an hour next night.”

“I don’t know what you mean. I’m just not feeling that dramatic right now.”

“That’s unacceptable.” He got back to work.

“Applejack?” Sweetie Belle said.

“What?” Rarity said. “Where is she?”

“Inside the Carousel Boutique. Why are you acting normal?”

“I’m confused.”

“Oh. Anyway, do you know where the senior carrots are?”

“They aren’t where they always are?”

“That’s what I’m saying, they are.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“There’s nothing bad about this. I’m just answering your question about where they are, why are you acting so weird?”

“I’m... Sweetie Belle, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve already had to assume that ‘senior carrots’ means ‘baby carrots’, and now you’re saying that you can’t find them even though you know where they are. Or something.”

“No, I’m saying that they’re in the place they’re supposed to be.”

“So what’s wrong?”

“Everything. Where aren’t they? That’s the only thing I couldn’t care less about.”

“I don’t even know what you’re saying anymore. Do you know where the baby carrots are?”

“I do know where they are.”

“Then what are you trying to say?”

“At the moment, a question as to where the baby carrots aren’t.”

“I’m so confused.”

“Then just don’t tell me.”

“I don’t even know what information you want.”

“So why am I allowed to know?”

“Allowed to know what?”

“Where the senior carrots are.”

“Because... okay, I don’t know what’s going on. I never have this entire conversation.”

“I’m just asking you where they aren’t. So where aren’t they?”

“Sweetie Belle, I can feel the beginnings of a headache. It really doesn’t make me happy to say this, but could you go away?”

“I understand perfectly, but... okay. I guess I just can know, for a reason that I also can’t know.”

“So I’ll need to give you ten bits,” Pinkie Pie said.

“I don’t accept that. Here’s your money, you awful example of a conscious being.”

She sighed and looked at the notes. “This simply won’t do.” She made unsettlingly piercing eye contact. “I hope you die.”

“I would never wish that upon you.” The customer took their cupcakes and left.

In the last scene of the entire series, after which the show would take an unprecedented three-week break, Applejack was repeatedly almost suffocating Rainbow Dash with a pillow.

“This is really fun,” Rainbow said.

“You know, that occurred to me as Ah was doin’ this, the ahdea you maht not lahke it. Ah should prolly keep goin’ or you maht feel even worse.” She applied the pillow for a few seconds.

“Can’t you just have your way with me and keep doing things for hours?”

“Ah’d certainly go to all this trouble to foalnap a pony just to have ‘em for half an hour. Ah was thinkin’ more... as an exact length ah time, a week.”

“You must be serious.”

“Would most foalnappers who enjoyed this sorta thing not let you finish your sentences? Ah think Ah’m just about the meanest there is.”

“That adequately answered my question. Overnight I could live with, but a week I could also live with.”

“Well, that’s how long you’ll be away from here for. Enjoy your sex freedom.” She smothered her for a longer time, Rainbow beginning to lose her vision when she was allowed to breathe again.

“You really just kept me here for the past week?”

“Ah’m willin’ to keep you alahve.”

“Whatever you say, I’ll do something else, it’s just... is this my life for a week?”

“You’ll be locked outta the bathroom except for the rape.”

“It locks from the inside?”

“It opens insahde, so Ah’ll put a bar up or somethin’. Point is you’ll be free to go whenever.”

That was the last bit of significant speech in their weekly kidnapping roleplay, and the last shot of the series was Rainbow with a pillow firmly over her muzzle.

Chapter 58: The Glorious Return

The Equestrian populace had been made to wait. It had been three weeks since the last episode of Friendship is Magic, over twice as long as the previous record since the show was resurrected. Three ponies were sitting together in a small, largely featureless room, with only a bed, a television on a stand, and a window near the ceiling too small to keep the room from feeling dark. One, a tired-looking white mare wearing a light brown sweater, was the pony of the moment, the other two being an interviewer with a microphone and a camerapony.

“So how exactly do you feel about the show being back?”

“Ahhhh.” Her forelegs jittered as she moved to hug the interviewer. “Ahhhahhahhh.”

Applejack answered the door.

“Let’s do this,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Not now, Ah’m havin’... apples.”

“Okay, I can wait a few minutes.”

“Can you wait... fifteen minutes? Outsahde?”

“Why?”

“Ah’m... really hungry. It’s that simple.”

“Why outside?”

“Because... you can’t hear... the thing. It’s a secret.”

“What secret conversations would you be having?”

“It’s a secret. Duh.”

“Okay... I guess I’ll wait.”

She went back up to her room. “Okay, Rainbow, we gotta make this quick. And you really need to be quiet.”

Rainbow had duct tape over her mouth. “Mm-mm.”

After the sex, they both came down and Applejack opened the door. “You can come in now.”

“Cool.” She came in. “Holy crap, why is Rainbow Dash crying? What happened?”

Rainbow had a single tear on her face. “Uh....”

“Oh, you know,” Applejack said. “We were just... talkin’ about our relationship. Friendship. And she got really soppy about it.”

“That’s not like her.”

“Ah know, raht? Crazy. So we were gonna make stuff?”

“What problems would you have?”

“It’s obviously a pretty prahvate thing. Like Ah said, it’s a secret.”

“Well, is everything okay now?”

“Yep, we worked it all out. Now come on.”

After making what they thought was the ultimate apple cake, each having a slice, and deciding that it was really good but not ultimate, they went back to the door. Rainbow Dash wasn’t present, being asleep in Applejack’s room.

“So what are you gonna do with Rainbow Dash?”

“We’re gonna have... apples.”

“But... what are you gonna do?”

“Just talk. Nothin’ much.”

“Okay... well, I had fun.”

“Me too. Now go before you ask any more uncomfortably ponial questions.”

“All right, see you soon.” She went through the door and turned around, then pouted slightly and smiled. “Sooner than you think.” She closed the door.

Fluttershy was in her living room, sitting on the floor, reading a book. Twilight was also doing this in Fluttershy’s living room. Someone knocked the door.

“I’ll get it,” Fluttershy said.

“You don’t have to.” She got up and teleported two metres to the door. When she opened it, it turned out to be Rarity. “See? Told you.”

“Hello—”

“Why are you here?”

“Sweetie Belle was... how do I put this... she wasn’t quite chuffed that I bought her the wrong cereal, and until she gets over it, Fluttershy is the only pony who likes me.”

“A foal drove you out of your own house? You’re fucking pathetic.”

“It isn’t like that, it was just a depressing atmosphere knowing—”

“Then kick her out for a few hours. You’re the adult, relatively speaking.”

“But I was lonely.”

“Big deal, none of us have all of our friends around 24/7. Like, when I want to f... fff....”

“Yes?”

“Do stuff with Rainbow Dash, as a random example, is she ever there for me? Sometimes. Not all the time, because she has a life outside of me.”

“What were you going to say?”

“I don’t even know. I was trying to think of a word. Now jump in a pool of hydrochloric acid.”

“Rarity?” Fluttershy said. “You can come in.”

“Twilight, could you please let me through?”

Twilight moved out of the way and didn’t close the door on her tail.

“We’re going to play a game in a few minutes,” Fluttershy said. “Are you interested?”

“What is it about?”

“Mostly puzzles. There are some physical things too, like throwing things into things.”

“I’ll give it a chance.”

A few minutes later, Fluttershy pulled out the attic ladder.

“You have a loft?” Twilight said.

“How many more rooms do you have that we haven’t heard about?” Rarity said.

“I don’t know, I haven’t explored the dungeon fully.”

And then they played the game. Twilight won in under ten minutes.

“Then you’re just left with orange and purple, which is... two red... and then the yellow and blue also cancel. The answer is two reds.”

“That’s right,” Rarity said.

“That was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Well, there isn’t any shame in losing this kind of game to you. But I can still beat Fluttershy.”

Fluttershy didn’t respond, deciding it would be best to let the result of the game speak for itself. And it did speak for itself when Rarity rolled a little metal ball along a little plastic beam all the way to the other side, completing her final task before her.

“It went past the mark,” Twilight said. “Rarity’s second.”

“I’ve never beaten anypony at this game in my life,” Fluttershy said.

After Rarity was done applauding herself, she leaned over and put a hoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “And I’m very grateful for that.”

“Well, you know who I am. I don’t really care about winning. Or coming second.”

“Well, time for Rarity to pack the game up,” Twilight said. “So what now?”

“Why do I have to do it?”

“You were the lowest-finishing unicorn.”

“Fine.” She got to work.

“So what now, Fluttershy?”

“I don’t know....”

Twilight got up, went a couple metres away, and pulled Fluttershy along the floor towards her, bringing her face right up to hers. “What. Now?!”

“I... give me some time....”

She dropped Fluttershy, who stayed down and looked up at her. “Do you think I came to a friend’s house to lie around and do nothing? Because I’d be cool with that, I just want to know if there’s anything you want to do.”

“Twilight, if you’re trying to do something... I don’t know, something mean to make a point about how good friends we are, I’m not enjoying it....”

“Oh... oh yeah. Sorry, Rainbow Dash is the only pony I talk to a lot, she likes that sort of thing.”

She got up. “Why do you talk to her a lot, and why does she like that sort of thing?”

“Because... I don’t know. She just comes over a lot. She’s homeless, you know. Has to sleep on clouds. I don’t know why she chooses me so often, I guess she likes me. And the reason she likes that is... I don’t know. There’s no way to explain it, it’s just fun. It’s certainly not anything sexual, if I’m making it sound like that.”

“You weren’t. I wonder why she likes you so much, she never comes over here....”

“We can just talk a lot to each other. I don’t know, there’s no feeling of anything special beyond what you already know we have.”

“I like her as much as she seems to like you, as you know, so I just wish she wanted to see me sometimes... I’ve felt like this a long time before just now, and I’m afraid we don’t have what we used to, but I don’t want to tell her she’s spending her time wrongly. I mean, I can’t tell her what friends to have....”

“I don’t want to say she prefers other things to you these days, but... it’s kind of the obvious thing to say. That doesn’t mean it’s right, of course.”

“I miss her all the time and we live in the same town. You must be right, she just has things she likes better than me.”

“There must be a good reason for this lack of visits compared to me and... well, just me, I can only know about myself.”

“It’s because she has better ways to spend her time. You know you’re right.”

“Well... she might have a reason, but whatever it is, I can’t see it being good for you.”

“She doesn’t like me enough. I’m not worth it. It couldn’t be something else.”

“Well, it’s all I can come up with. But it could be something.”

“She has a lot of free time. If she still cared about me, she’d have explained it to me already.”

“Next time she comes by me, I’ll make sure to ask her.”

“All right. I don’t see it happening, but I hope she has some sort of reason....”

“She doesn’t just not like you anymore. I’m sure it’ll make sense.”

Two days later, they were between sex sessions when Twilight asked the question.

“So why haven’t you ever been seeing Fluttershy?”

“I dunno. Between you, AJ, flying... I just don’t like her enough.”

The next day, Fluttershy was lying in the middle of the living room crying.

“I know it’s hard to hear.”

“She was... she’s supposed to be my spiritual sister.”

“I asked her about that too. It’s Scootaloo.”

“Why am I not good enough for her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. You know the secret. How do I get her to love me again?”

“There isn’t a secret, I just act natural. I never did anything to attract her.”

“But you must know why she likes you.”

“Not really, we just don’t bore each other. I mean, it’s far from opposites attract, not that it’s a romantic relationship, but on the surface, as in not taking into account we each have more than one poniality trait, we shouldn’t connect much. I mean, with App....”

“Applejack?”

“Yeah, she visits her fairly often too. So with her, at least they’re both unsophisticated, we don’t even have that in common. But that’s a different subject.”

“So you don’t know why she likes you so much?”

“Well, you’d have to change most of your poniality. I’m pretty sure you can’t just read a lot and she’ll drop by you.”

“So it is hopeless.”

“As far as I know.”

“You can go now. I’ll just... cry....”

“You won’t get any better alone in your house with nothing else to think about.”

“But what can I do?”

“Be with somepony else with nothing else to think about.” She sat down. “Come here.”

Fluttershy now had someone to hug as she cried. At least if her lifelong best friend didn’t really care about her anymore, a murderer who did it only out of bloodlust and the feeling of superiority it gave her did.

“I still have you, right?”

“As long as I’m not with Rainbow Dash.”

Chapter 59: Twilight Keeps Breaking Rainbow Dash

“Rainbow?” Twilight said, lying on the lower bunk.

“We’re not having sex,” Rainbow said, lying on the floor.

“But we already said hi and agreed with each other about politics.”

“I just want a roof, so that’s fine by me.”

“So we’re not having sex.”

“That’s right.”

She gave her a knockout bolt, got off the bed, and enjoyed her Rainbow Dash doll. However, she got an interruption she didn’t expect.

“Twilight?”

“Oh, you’re awake.”

“I don’t mind if you have sex with me when I’m unconscious, but I don’t like to wake up to it.”

“Yeah, I know... I must’ve screwed up the spell a bit.”

“Well—”

She was knocked out again. She satisfied herself before Rainbow woke up the next time, and she spent the next few hours on Tuyau de Vidéos, referred to in most cases as TdV, the continent’s dominant video-sharing site.

“Wow, is it really that late? I... oh crap, Rainbow’s been unconscious for more than four hours. This could be bad.”

She teleported them outside Zecora’s hut and knocked, but she didn’t get an answer. She then decided to go in anyway, but the door was locked. She then shot an orange ray at the door, and it shattered into hundreds of splintered shards. She then saw that Zecora was asleep on the floor with only a pillow for comfort. She then walked up to her. “WAKE UP!” she said as she slapped her, which didn’t work. She then bowed and screamed the phrase directly into her ear.

“Nnn? Twilight?”

“I need you to fix Rainbow Dash.”

“Why do you need me to do that so often?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“What’s the problem?”

“I—she’s been unconscious for a few hours.”

“From what?”

“Does it matter? You’ve never needed to know that before. Why do you have all these questions delving deep into my ponial life?”

“Was it a blunt force, was it fainting from learning something really shocking....”

“It was an instant KO spell.”

“Okay. Do you have her?”

Twilight brought her in.

“Good.” She got up. “Let’s see, leaf of—where’s my leaf of the frunzos? If it’s not on this shelf... maybe I put it here? Okay, it’s here. It shouldn’t be over here.” She put a few leaves into a cauldron that was already filled with water. “Now go out of here and back in.”

She went out, came back in, and saw a conscious, standing Rainbow Dash.

“Hi, Rainbow.”

“Hi.”

She took them back to the treehouse. “You aren’t mad at me, are you?”

“Nah. Although I’d prefer if you didn’t knock me out instantly so I could enjoy it a little. Like, I like it when you strangle me.”

“I’ll do what I want.”

The next day, Rainbow and Applejack were talking.

“You’re kinda young to drink,” Applejack said.

“I don’t see you not drinking.”

“Yeah, but that’s different since... well, you still shouldn’t do it.”

“What else can I do tonight? Talk with my girlfriend? Get us out of this featureless white room Twilight trapped us in?”

“Ah just wanna know whah you suddenly have an interest in it.”

“I’m going to the bar where Vinyl Scratch works, I’m going to meet her, and I’m going to have alcohol and sex with her.”

“And they’d let you in because....”

“Because I’m Rainbow Dash.”

“Ah guess we’ll see. Now let’s figure out how to get out of here.”

“Maybe if I bang the wall really hard in despair.”

She went up to a wall and hit both her forehooves against it as hard as she could. A rumbling sound came from above, then the ceiling started to crack, then it caved in. Rainbow was knocked out and just about buried, with Applejack merely cartoonishly gaining a layer of dirt. She cleared some rocks off her girlfriend and turned her body face-up.

“What to do, what to do... mm... yeah. HEEELP!”

Twilight and Pinkie Pie were in a dense forest.

“Did you hear a ‘helllp’ from somewhere?” Pinkie Pie said.

“Faintly. Maybe it had something to do with the collapsing sound behind us.”

They both turned around. “Maybe the collapsing sound had something to do with that pit that wasn’t there before.”

“Maybe. I’ll go and investigate.”

Twilight teleported to the edge of the pit.

“Twahlaht! Rainbow maht be hurt!”

“This wasn’t supposed to cave in. You were supposed to find the secret door and have a wacky secretly filmed adventure. Anyway, I’ll take her to the hospital.”

“Can you get me outta here too?”

“Sure.”

She took them all to the hospital.

“Fix Rainbow,” Twilight said to the receptionist, putting her facedown on the desk.

She held down a button on the desk. “Peach Pie, please come to the front desk.”

Like magic, a nurse appeared in front of the desk. With no hesitation, she teleported back away, taking Rainbow Dash with her.

“Well, that’s done,” Twilight said. “Should I take you back somewhere?”

“Ah’d lahke to know what happened.”

“We can do those in either order.”

“Well, as long as Rainbow’s here, Ah guess Ah should go back home.”

She put them just outside the barn. “What explanation do you need beyond the secret filming?”

“Ah mean, we were already gonna be filmed. Whah not Rarity?”

“It was supposed to be a fun adventure for two of our friends. Rarity isn’t our friend.”

“Our?”

“Pinkie Pie was in on it too.”

“Okay. If Rainbow dahs, Ah’ll snap your neck if the universe is still around. That ain’t a joke.”

“You don’t have to worry, I’d definitely kill myself if I did that.”

“Have you... put thought into that before?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah’m goin’ insahde now.”

Not for the first time, Rainbow Dash unexpectedly woke up in a hospital. She had a sore back, but what concerned her more was what Vinyl Scratch was thinking and the fact that she would be in a hospital for a length of time she had no way to tell. The first thing that really happened was a peach-coloured pony with a brown mane and a white hat with a Star of Life coming in.

“You still alive?” she said to Rainbow’s roommate, hidden by a curtain. “‘Cause before when you were asleep, you were breathing.” She waited for a response and didn’t get one. “She’s prob’ly still sleeping.” She went to Rainbow Dash. “Oh, hey, you’re conscious.”

“Is Applejack okay?”

“She was never in here.”

“That’s good. When can I leave?”

“Now.”

“Cool.”

Everything was arranged again, and the next day, Rainbow finally got to meet her, this time at her house. Vinyl Scratch was watching a show that consisted of a single fifty-minute shot of a vacant swingset, only to be forced to decide between answering the door and watching it. If it was her good twin DJ-PON3 trying to lure her to the light side again, she wasn’t interested, but it could’ve been the package. She stressed over it for a few seconds, then went for the door.

“Hey,” Rainbow said. “After all this trouble, it’s good to vinylly see you.”

“It’s good to see you too. Come in.”

She did. “What the hell do you have on there?”

“The Swingset Hour.”

“The what?”

“It’s a shot of a swingset.”

“And that’s it?”

“Yes.”

“Do you watch it?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay... so do you ever take your sunglasses off?”

“Anypony who sees my eyes is instantly forever bound to my will.”

“Oh. Well, that’s all right, we can still have sex with them off. I’m on the side of evil anyway.”

“When did you turn evil?”

“Well, maybe not evil, more apathetic. Which is more like evil, I guess. Anyway, I already have sex with and obey the commands of...”

“Yeah?”

“...Of...”

“Who?”

“Of... Trixie.”

“Who?”

“No, it isn’t her. I have sex with and obey the commands of Twilight.”

“Holy fuck, really?”

“And Applejack. My main girlfriend is Applejack and my side one is Twilight.”

“Holy fuck.”

“If you tell anypony, you’ll be killed.”

“I mean, it was always a reasonable possibility, but... wow. Go away, I need a minute.”

She went away for a minute. “Rainbow?” Vinyl called.

“Yeah?”

“You can come back now.”

She came back. “Are you good now?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t the biggest shock of my life, but it was pretty good.”

“So are we having sex?”

“I’m ready when you are. Where should we do it?”

“On your bed.”

“I never expected you to be so boring, but okay.”

They went to the bedroom, which had a bed rear and centre, enough space in front of it for the arc of the door, a bedstand with a lamp, and that was it. The space between the bed and the side walls was just wide enough for a pony to walk down.

“This is your legendary bedroom?”

“Yeah.”

“I kind of expected things to be bigger.” They both went in and Rainbow closed the door. “I can’t even turn around.”

Vinyl Scratch climbed on the bed. “Come on.”

With an awkward twist of her body, she got on. “At least the actual bed is pretty big....”

“175 centimetres wide and 200 long. Those measurements mean something to me.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re the size of my sex mattress.”

“Do you have a non-sex mattress?”

“Yeah, I have another room I usually sleep in. I know, I know, why do you need two bedrooms. And the answer is I don’t. But when I met the pony who was selling this place, I got a pretty good deal, if you know what I mean.”

“You had sex with her?”

“What? No. I used my mind control powers, dolt. I kept in touch with her until I made her kill somepony and she ended up in prison.”

“Cool. So we still aren’t having sex yet.”

“What do you wanna do?”

“I was hoping you’d be the dominant leading one.”

“Leading one? We can’t just be equal?”

“That’s not how I do things.”

“Fine, I’ll be dominant to you. Very dominant?”

“Very dominant.”

“Very dominant?”

“Break the dial off.”

She lifted the sunglasses up. As the photographs showed, her eyes were red and really pretty, but seeing them in real life was something else. Comparing eyes to gemstones was a very overapplied thing, but it was genuinely how she felt looking into them, something she hadn’t ever felt for the eyes of any other pony. Even the eyes of Applejack, the apple of her eye, never struck her as even slightly vitreous.

“You okay?”

“Neh? Bwa?”

“I mean, I’m pretty used to this, but usually ponies don’t stare so long they start drooling. And you should be the last one to get caught up in that stuff anyway.”

“Sorry... I guess I just....” She hugged her. “You’re pretty.”

“You’re doing more of what I said—”

“Can’t I do something else for just one moment? Every time I try to do or say something fancy or emotional, everypony’s always like ‘oh, you can’t do that, you’re Rainbow Dash’. Well, why not? Do I have to constantly act as one-dimensional as possible to be considered normal?” She stopped hugging her. “Do I? I mean, I’m not completely changin’ my personality, it’s just that I’d like to express more than one type of thought my whole life.”

“I didn’t know this was a common thing.”

“I don’t know how you would, I just needed to get that out. Anyway, do what you like to me.”

She levitated her sunglasses to the bedstand and pulled Rainbow down from sitting to lying. After that, it was all bumps rolling around under a blanket and it was impossible to tell what was going on.

After some sex which, discounting the romantic element, was better than Applejack, they emerged from the covers and spent five more minutes kissing.

“You’re better than both my girlfriends,” Rainbow said.

“Thanks. You’re... well....”

“I know.”

“You didn’t suck. You were okay. Better than most of the random ponies I have sex with, although that’s not saying much.”

“I’m Rainbow Dash, I should be good at sex. Why am I not?”

“You made me happy.”

“Yeah, but you’re....”

“Don’t compare yourself to me, I’m the greatest. So, hey, is there a time you have to leave by?”

“No.”

“Then you’re staying overnight.”

“Okay.”

“‘Okay’?”

“Yes, Master.”

“That’s better.”

They had sex again.

“Rainbow Dash?”

“I’m right here.”

“I appreciate how you didn’t try to kill me after I hypnotised you. Usually I have to say ‘don’t hurt me, don’t go away’ really quickly right after I do it.”

“I’ll go outside and kill somepony right now if you want.”

“That’s all right. You do realise I’m going to use you for evil at some point, though.”

“Yeah.”

From that point onward, they didn’t have any more sex or talk about any evil plans. They met each other like normal people, slept together, had sex in multiple rooms, and then it was time for Rainbow to leave.

“Do you have to go?” Vinyl said as Rainbow went out the door.

She turned around. “There are more sexual partners who need me.”

“You mean the same two you always fuck? Come on, stay here.”

“Yes, and there’s a good reason for it. Worry not, for this won’t be the last time we meet.”

“I’ll do my best to stay happy without you....”

“You’ll be fine. You’ve done it before.” She flew off.

“Hey, Twilight!”

Not happy to be interrupted from reading in the middle of the top room, Twilight took her victim in her magic. “I am going to fucking rape you until you cry so much you faint from dehydration.”

“I was just saying hi,” Spike said.

She looked up from the book. “Oh, you’re Spike.” She dropped him. “Don’t worry, I won’t rape you.”

Rainbow Dash came in. “Hey, Twilight!”

Twilight threw her across the room and into the wall. She fell unconscious.

“Twilight?”

“She’ll be fine.”

Rainbow woke up within the hour. When she tried to stand up, she found that one of her legs didn’t work. “Twilight?”

“What?” she said, not looking away from the book.

“You broke my leg.”

“Fine.” She looked at her and teleported them to Zecora’s.

Rainbow knocked on the door once, then fell over. Wondering what the sounds were, Zecora went and opened the door.

“Twilight broke my leg.”

“Seriously, Twilight, what is this about?”

She put a hoof forward and made her horn glow. “Just give her the thing.”

Zecora and Rainbow went in, leaving Twilight to hear everything from the outside.

“Is that a syringe?”

“What does it look like?”

“It’s just that you don’t really use aaaah! Fuck. Fuck, is this right?”

“Your leg should be fixed in about ten seconds,” Zecora said over her patient’s rapid and very loud breathing. “This is much more reliable than the berries I used to use for broken legs.”

She hyperventilated for another second or two. “I... ah... okay, it feels better.”

“Don’t get up yet.”

“Okay... oh, wow, that feels kinda good. You know, it feels—aaaah!”

“Now you can get up.”

“Okay, thanks.”

She exited the hut on four hooves and they went back.

“Sex,” Rainbow said.

“In an hour, okay? In the meantime... I don’t know, it’s your time.”

Chapter 60: The Secret Meeting of the Inside

For the purpose of making “the inside” more like an actual group instead of some scattered individuals who happened to share a property, the eight in on the secret were together at an inoffensive family restaurant in Sparkstown.

“Why is Vinyl Scratch here?” Twilight said.

“I accidentally told her the secret,” Dash explained. “I saw her eyes too and—”

“For fuck’s sakes.” She made her horn glow and looked to Vinyl. “What orders have you given her?”

“She won’t lie about anything.”

“Tell me what you said to her or I’m going to kill you.”

“Don’t kill her,” Dash pleaded, “I like her. I let her do it. And you’re on the same side, right? You’re both evil.”

“What did you tell her, Vinyl Scratch?”

“Nothing yet.”

“I still don’t trust you, but I’ll wait to kill you until I have evidence.”

They quickly split into pairs of Rainbow Dash and Vinyl Scratch, Twilight and Spike, Applejack and Big Mac, and Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. When the waiter came, she had good reason to be shocked, so she was.

“Half the world-saviours?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dash said. “We’re here for a reason, okay?”

“I’m not giving you an autograph,” Twilight said.

“But... Twilight....”

“I’m getting the Xtreme Mmentaler Melt.”

“Okay. And holy crap, Spike, I have so many questions?”

“The How Can Soybeans Taste This Much Like Meat, That’s Just Creepy Burger.”

“Okay. And Rainbow Dash, what do you think—”

“The Better Than Mindless Sexual Bliss Salad.”

This went on for the rest of the table, then finally she departed.

“Did she really freak out over us?” Twilight said. “She must be new around here.”

“Yeah,” Spike agreed.

“What did you just say?” Applejack said.

“‘I like Hydropolis’,” Pinkie Pie repeated.

“If it ain’t already obvious, Ah lahke Aquia.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Ah just lahke teams that get all their money from legal sources.”

“Ambiguous, not illegal. Besides, I like teams that let the other team play too instead of passing to themselves the entire game.”

“It ain’t mah fault if your ponies are too stupid to even get the ball.”

“Hey, this is supposed to be fun,” Dash interrupted. “Both of you calm down.”

“Why should we listen to you?” Pinkie Pie said.

“Would you... listen to Twilight?”

“Sure.”

“This is supposed to be fun,” Twilight said. “Both of you calm down.”

“Twilight and I have something to clear up,” Dash said to the entire table. “Which of us has all the power? If we gave you conflicting commands, who would you obey?”

“You’re supposed to obey me, not the other way around,” Vinyl said.

“Can’t you rule together?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Since Rainbow Dash clearly already has a master and Vinyl Scratch shouldn’t be here, I’m the only one left suitable for the job,” Twilight said.

“Whah don’t Ah have any power?” Applejack said.

“Do you really want to order ponies around?” Dash said.

“Well... no.”

“Ah say we vote,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah pick Rainbow Dash because Ah lahke AJ.”

“I pick Twilight because she’s smart and stuff,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Same as Apple Bloom,” Big Mac said.

“I pick Rainbow Dash because I like her directly,” said Vinyl Scratch.

“I pick Twilight for the same reason as Vinyl Scratch but for her instead,” Spike said.

“Hmm...” Pinkie Pie said as everyone waited anxiously. “I’m goin’ with Sweetie Belle.”

Conveniently seated next to the pegasus, Twilight put a hoof on hers. “Want to rule together?”

“Let’s do it.”

The rest of the table cheered.

“Did you hear that, Rainbow Dash?” Spike said. “Pinkie Pie thinks she could beat you at something athletic.”

“What is it?”

“I could beat you in a bike race.”

“Oh, totally. My strength is in my wings. I’m not that good on land compared to what you’d think from my fitness level.”

And thus ended the last conversation with more than two participants.

Twilight signed the bill. “I hope you all found this meeting tolerable,” she said. Everyone weakly said “yeah” or shrugged. “Good. Sweetie Belle, you’ll have the honour of carrying out the first order.”

“What is it?”

“You’ll move the milk in your household’s refrigerator from the door to the top shelf. And don’t move it back before Rarity.”

“I’ll carry that out to the best of my ability.”

“Good.”

Chapter 61: The Apple Bloom/Diamond Tiara Rape Chronicles, Part 2

Diamond Tiara was in her room pacing parallel to her excessively-sized bed with at least a dozen pillows. Silver Spoon was sitting on the bed with crossed forelegs and watching her.

“I have to take my dignity back, Silver. You’ve seen how mellow, lethargic, and generally depressed-looking I’ve become. The reason for that, as you know, is that I’ve been depressed. And even worse, once I get old enough to start caring about sex, I won’t even be able to enjoy it. But there is a solution.” She turned around and looked at Silver Spoon. “I have to rape Apple Bloom back.”

Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow.

“I’m evil, Silver. I’m meant to do things like this.”

She tilted her head forward, continuing to look at Diamond.

“I don’t know if I’ll resume trying to get her in trouble at school again, but I do know that I need to get even with her, and this is the most logical way to do it.”

She tilted her head back.

“Well, what do you suggest?”

She shrugged.

“Then I’m doing it, and as my auxiliary you’re helping me.”

She nodded once.

“Now I just need a plan.”

“That was the best day ah the entahre year,” Apple Bloom said as the CMC exited the school in a phalanx. “What do you think?”

“Yep!” Sweetie Belle said.

“It sure was,” Scootaloo said.

“Hello,” said Diamond Tiara as they walked by her. They rearranged into a phalanx perpendicular to the old one to face her and Silver Spoon. Diamond was holding a dish of “ice cream” on the bottom of her hoof, complete with tiny plastic spoon. “Would you like some ice cream, Apple Bloom?”

“How poisoned is it?”

“It isn’t poisoned.”

“Whah would you, Dahmond Tiara Rich, be givin’ ahce cream ta me, Apple Bloom Apple?”

“I’ve done a lot of horrible things to you, and I want to make it all up.”

“You realahse how weird and obvious this is.”

“It’s nothing evil. Just to apologise.”

“Ah already took care of that.”

“Yes, but I’d like to apologise of my own accord. Please take this. Then we can ignore each other and end this mutually self-destructive relationship once and for all.”

“Well....”

“Are you fucking crazy?” Scootaloo said.

“Well... you know, Scootaloo’s raht. Fuck you.”

“Are you really never going to give me a chance to change my ways?”

“Ah course not.” She thought about that for a second. “‘Kay, Ah see your point. Ah’ll give you a chance to turn good.”

“Come on, Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo said. “What are you doing? I’ll tell you, you’re accepting ice cream from Diamond Tiara.”

“Ah know what Ah did changed her.”

“You’re already keeping out of each other’s way. There isn’t anything to fix by eating ice cream.”

“She just wants to show she’s on our side now. Gimme that.” She transferred the dish and Apple Bloom sat down and scooped a spoonful.

“Apple Bloom, you’re going to kill yourself.”

“Ah had the chance to kill her and didn’t. She wouldn’t do it to me.” She took the bite and spat it out the instant she tasted it. “Hey, this ain’t ahce cream, this is ahce-cream!” Diamond and Silver giggled at her. “Fuck you.” She threw the ice-cream at Diamond’s muzzle.

Diamond took the dish off and wiped off the edible substance. “Bye.”

As she was walking home, after she had separated from both her major friends, Apple Bloom suddenly began to feel dizzy. Seconds after that, she felt lightheaded. She sat down, then lied down, but the feeling still only got worse. She shook her head, rubbed her eyes, and simply tried to concentrate really hard on the thought of pulling herself together, but the latter in particular got much harder as her consciousness continued to fade, then it got impossible when it finally went entirely.

She woke up spread-eagled in a wooded area. The poles were metal instead of wood, but it was otherwise the same setup she had made. Two or three metres to her right were a wagon and a harness, and directly in front of her was Diamond Tiara.

“Hello, Apple Bloom.”

“So this is what that was about.”

“Obviously. I thought about beating you or delivering a carefully-crafted speech listing all of your poniality flaws, but I figured those wouldn’t quite fit the crime. So, as I’m sure you’ve figured out, I’m going to rape you.”

Apple Bloom tested how well Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, or whoever was responsible for binding her had done, and it was indeed very well. “Ah just hope mah guardians don’t get too worried about where Ah am.”

“So I’ve gotten over the whole ‘you’re unsanitary’ idea. You’re hardly a clean freak, of course, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get ill from—”

“Ah get it, just rape me.”

Diamond took off her tiara and Apple Bloom’s bow and got on top of her for 69ing. Apple Bloom got to work, not feeling at all traumatised and figuring that she must have something saved for later on.

Big Mac and Applejack were watching a classic film which depicted corporate political intrigue in the scenes that contained a low enough level of esoteric symbolism to be comprehensible. More precisely, it was an ad break, put in during a part of one of the incomprehensible scenes that was ten seconds of silent solid black.

“Apple Bloom should really be here bah now,” Applejack said. Big Mac didn’t respond. “Ah’m sure she’s okay, though.” Continuing to look at her as if they were actually talking to each other, he still didn’t respond. “Who knows, maybe she’s killin’ her first pony.” Nothing. “Come on, she’s a sister of a friend of Twahlaht, Ah’m sure the fear of arrestin’ Twahlaht extends to her.” Nothing. “Okay, what did Ah do to you today?”

“It’s not important.”

“What is it?”

“In the kitchen when....”

“Oh.” She looked down. “Look, Ah’m really sorry, that was totally uncalled for....”

“Eeyup.”

Diamond was now off Apple Bloom, whose face had quite a bit of cum on it.

“Okay, squigglyface, why aren’t you traumatised?”

“Ah dunno. Ah don’t trust you. You’re hot. As rape goes, it was pretty good.”

“Well, you made me cum, so... I guess I should let you go.”

“If you really want another round, Ah’m good with that.”

“Why aren’t you traumatised?”

“Ah just said.”

“But... I was.”

“Look, keep rapin’ me or let me go, neither of us wanna talk to each other.”

“I can’t even rape you anymore. You just said you wanted sex.”

“Then let me go.”

“Fine. Silver, get over here!”

Just a few trees away the whole time, Silver Spoon came over and casually untied Apple Bloom as Diamond and her victim made awkward looks to each other. Apple Bloom got up, and the first thing she did was get her bow and put it back on.

“Well, Ah had fun. See you tomorrow.”

“Goodbye.”

Diamond waited a minute after Apple Bloom left. “Can you believe that?” she said, to which Silver Spoon gave no response. “She didn’t care. She liked it. She couldn’t have, she must just want to give that impression to me. What do you think?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Well, either way, I feel better now. So... I’ll see you.”

Silver nodded and her master left. She looked around for a second, then began to load the wagon.

Chapter 62: Lyra and Octavia

Stuck in the cloud which Rainbow Dash had slept on last night was a folded piece of paper. Once she was awake enough to read, she took it out.

“Dear main character,

We’ve signed a deal with Lyra and Octavia. You will acquaint with them at 50 Peachtree Avenue in Sparkstown at 15:00 or else.

With an intense, focussed lust consuming all other emotions,

Red Velvet.”

“Ugh....”

A dirt road six metres wide, lined with shops of various types and the occasional parked bicycle of a pony in one of the shops. It was a common type of place in Equestria. It was cool, but not cold, and the sky was pretty much clear, but there were a few small clouds visible. It was a common type of weather in Equestria. Lyra and Octavia were on a bench by the side of the road, giving anyone inside Gumdrop Junction a very good view of their manes, if they wanted that for some reason. Lyra waved to Twilight as she came up to them.

“Hi,” Twilight said.

“Hello,” Lyra said. “You’re early.”

“Not by much.”

“The clock only the chosen can see says you’re an hour early.” There was no public clock visible from where they were.

“Exactly.”

“Don’t you think you’re a bit... too early?”

“What?”

“Too early.”

“‘Too early’?”

“Yeah. What are you going to do for an hour?”

“Wait.”

“Okay... so, you’re Twilight?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t believe you’re standing right in front of me. Can you believe it, Octavia?”

“You know what I do. I see important ponies all the time.”

“But it’s Twilight!”

“Yes, I’ve seen her at the occasional gala.”

“But now you’re meeting her!”

“As I said, I’m sort of desensitised to this sort of thing.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. It’s literally Twilight Sparkle and you aren’t even reacting.”

“If that’s how you feel, then keep talking to her.”

She got off the bench. “I can’t believe I’m meeting you! You’re Twilight!”

“I’m already aware of both of those things.”

Twilight answered many, many questions she had answered many, many times, something which hadn’t ended by the time the other three showed up.

“Come on, ‘Tavia. Half the world-saviours.”

“Yes, I’ve seen them before.”

She forced a sigh. “Anyway, hello to all of you.”

“Hello.” Applejack came up and shook hooves with them both. “So how’d you manage to get this part?”

“Octavia has rich friends who wanted to see her on the show.”

“Whah not them? And what about you?”

“Because none of them were found to be interesting by the company, and putting her on was the best they could do. Well, putting only her on, because they wanted her in the first place, she wasn’t a backup. And as for me, I’m her girlfriend, and she insisted they add me to the list if she was going to be on it.”

“So now we’re just gonna meet any old pony with enough money?”

“No. They made it clear that they liked that we were in the original show.”

“Barely.”

“Well, it counted for them, don’t ask me.”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash answered many, many questions they had answered many, many times, then something interesting came up.

“Big secrets we keep from ponies who don’t get on television...” Rainbow Dash said, “There is one just for the main characters.”

“So do we get to hear it?” Lyra said.

“Of course. Who wants to do it?”

“You can do it,” Applejack said.

“Okay. Well, the first of two is that Applejack and I are together.”

“Are you even serious. Applejack and Rainbow Dash have a romantic relationship. Tell me something that’s not obvious.”

“I also have a lesser relationship with Twilight.”

“Oh.”

“That’s the one that gets ya?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, have fun adjusting.”

Lyra fell on the bench as if she had fainted, but her eyes remained open.

“Will she be all right?” Octavia said.

“Give her a few minutes,” Twilight said.

A few minutes later, Lyra got up. “What happened?”

“You learned about my relationships,” Rainbow said.

“Right, I remember that. That reminds me, Octavia?”

“Yes?”

“You are fine with me sexually assaulting you once a week so we can keep our jobs, right?”

“We’ve been over this.”

“I know, I just... I’m not sure I believe you as much as you believe yourself.”

“I’ll be ok—”

Lyra pulled her in and, despite being pushed multiple times, forced her into a tongue kiss for a good ten seconds. “You don’t look okay.”

“I’ll need to get used to it. That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“We really should’ve worked on this before....”

“I’ll be okay. Don’t worry.”

She looked back forward. “Where did they all go?”

“I don’t know.”

She looked at the clock, apparently. “Oh, it’s five o’clock. There you go.”

“I suppose we should go, then.”

“I guess.”

Chapter 63: Important

It was midnight. Apple Bloom knew her episode would be on this day, but what she didn’t know was that it would start right now. The birds arguing, the computer humming, the click-clack-clack tap-tap clack-clack-clack tap click of her keyboard as she typed a line of what she hoped was the next great Equestrian fanfic. It wasn’t.

Rainbow Dash got up on her cloud, and the first thing she noticed was that the sun was much higher up than she had expected.

“Oh crap, I’m gonna be late!”

She sprinted to the site of the episode she was supposed to be filming and, instead of landing, took her last twenty kilometres an hour off by rolling sideways. Regardless of how, she was outside a clothing store on a street of similar urbanness to downtown Ponyville, which was to say it was more or less nowhere.

“Y’all raht there, sugarcube?” Applejack said. She was there along with Twilight.

Rainbow got up and brushed some dirt off her face and front legs. “I feel okay. Am I late?”

“You’re fifteen minutes early.”

“Oh.” Suddenly all the gravel she had displaced didn’t seem worth it. “Well, what are you doing here so early?”

“Ah left early in case Ah was slow, but Ah wasn’t.”

“Same here,” Twilight said.

“So do we just wait? Where’s Apple Bloom?”

“Wasn’t supposed to come,” Applejack said. “And yes.”

“Well, what exactly is this place?”

“As you can see from the giant letters...” Twilight said, “Well, you can’t make them out so well standing right in front of the building. But this is Case Clothed, it’s a clothes store. You may wonder why all the walls are made of acrylic, and it’s because of their dedication to transparency to their customers. They don’t have anything to hide, and even if they did, they wouldn’t.”

“So how does what I assume is a chain of clothing stores exist here? Here being Equestria and all surrounding countries.”

“It must be their wide range of designer apparel designed to fit in anywhere from the business gala to the forced sex alley at cut-rate prices. Popular with loiterers and ponies who are ‘just browsing’, Case Clothed has sixty-four—”

“I get it.”

After waiting fifteen minutes, they went inside and tried to find some way to make things entertaining for themselves.

“Um...” Rainbow said.

Twilight came over to her. “What? Oh, you’re looking at one of Case Clothed’s famous bargain bins.”

Filled slightly past the brim with cast iron pans, window blinds, and blocks of polystyrene, its contents did nothing to make it stand out from any other Case Clothed bargain bins. “I don’t get it.”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t get that either.”

“It’s supposed to be weird to make ponies mention it and give them free advertising.”

“Oh. That’s disappointing.”

“Well, I’m going back to the large range of casual yet sophisticated options. Or a small part of it since there’s so much selection.”

Already incredibly bored, Rainbow went to her primary girlfriend, since talking to her usually made her happy. “AJ?”

She turned around. “What?”

“I’m bored like a young foal.”

“How could you be bored at such a great store? Ah mean, look at this shirt.”

“It has a joke I’ve heard before.”

“Yeah, but it’s a good joke.”

“So they’re paying you too.”

“Payin’ me? We came ‘ere ‘cause we love Case Clothed.”

“So if they’re paying everypony else, why not me?”

“We just love Case Clothed for their middle-end clothin’ at cut-rate prahces.”

“Talk to me when you can talk normally.”

The next morning, Apple Bloom woke up to her alarm and, instead of comedically hitting the snooze button, listened to her own advice and got up. She did her morning bathroom routine, walked uphill through snow to school, had a normal day of mediocre grades, walked uphill through snow home, walked up stairs to her room, and began the fun part of her day.

“So how did you love your first visit to Case Clothed?” Twilight said as they stood outside the building.

“It was shit.”

“It was the shit, as always.”

“Look, I did what they said, so I’ll see you whenever.” She flew away.

“What’s her problem?” Applejack said.

“Meh, sometimes that’s how I feel when I come out of Case Clothed without buying anything. If that wasn’t such a rare occurrence, it wouldn’t be a problem, but I guess it’s a good problem to have.”

With the fun finally over, here are the testimonials of half the ponies who saved the world:

“I didn’t get anything, but I might’ve if I had brought any money.” –Twilight Sparkle

“How they have such high-quality casual wear at cut-rate prices is beyond me.” –Applejack Apple

“Case Clothed has things you can’t find anywhere else.” –Fluttershy

Chapter 64: One Better

“They take the bell now,” said the commentator. It was the second race of the CEC Zone Race Flying Championship, more precisely the mares’ championship, taking place at the same venue as the first but on the oval instead of the road course. “Dash in first, Sokol second, Star third in line. After multiple failures from others, this breakaway has unsurprisingly proven the true one that produces the top results. They come out of the south turn now, and still nopony wants to make a break for it.”

The Apples, the members of Sugarcube Corner, even Twilight and Fluttershy watched anxiously. It had been a fairly exciting race, but that didn’t matter even to those who even liked the sport; all they wanted to watch was Rainbow Dash winning.

“Out of the final corner now, and Sokol pulls out of the slipstream. Star tries to come with, but she’s got nothing left. Sokol gaining, and at this rate it just may end up a tie. Here they come side-by-side across the line, and it’s Rainbow Dash who takes her first ever senior victory. Sokol second, she just barely ran out of straight, the now former championship leader Star in third.”

The half of Equestria who were watching cheered for their hero. Shooting Star was also Equestrian, but she hadn’t saved the world or become successful in an international series before she was even able to vote, and so Rainbow Dash was the one with the massive fandom. She took in the cheering and acknowledged the crowd as she tried to let what she had just done sink in, and many hoof pumps were had on the back straight as she partially succeeded at the task she had just set for herself before she fly-sauntered into the technical area.

Rainbow celebrated, everyone was happy, and it was all somewhat predictable. What she wasn’t prepared for was what would happen when she came back to Ponyville. The first order of business was visiting Applejack, who tackled her immediately after she got the door.

“You are the greatest pony on this planet, minimum.”

“Do you know what’s with the riot in the streets of Ponyville?”

“There ain’t a rahot. Last tahme Ah checked, anyway. Pinkie Pah decahded that your victory called for a huge party.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised. I guess I should go?”

“Only if you lahke hundreds ah ponies worshippin’ you.”

“I’m pretty sure I do. So you won’t be there?”

“You be here at sundown.”

“Gotcha.”

Rainbow figured that Pinkie Pie would be a good place to start, and she was right outside Sugarcube Corner, her attempts to flag her down indistinguishable from the waving of all the other ponies outside.

“Rainbow Dash, you need to be at the announcement place.”

“The announcement place?”

“You know, where The Mayor makes announcements. You go now, I’ll be there.”

She went to the public announcement stage, where a crowd of a few hundred ponies and counting were waiting for her. They cheered as she made her way there, and when she landed, applauded up a massive cloud of dust that resulted in several ponies coughing.

“So I guess I should say something....” They all cheered. “I’m flattered so many ponies would come out here just to see me, even if most of you are probably from here. It is just a barely higher than entry-level series, after all....”

They all cheered. To stall for time before Pinkie Pie came and hopefully told her what to do again, she talked about how the race went, telling her story in an excessive level of detail considering her audience. Eventually Pinkie Pie did come up on the stage.

“Oh, hey. You got somethin’ to say?”

“You see the buffet tables over there? You need to get something.”

“Why?”

“You’re the guest of worship, so you get the first pass at all the food. Some of us are getting really hungry.”

“You didn’t tell me about that.”

“Well, get something.”

“But I didn’t finish my recounting of my race.”

“Can’t you see how hard they’re trying not to be bored? Come on, show everypony what party foods you really like.”

She went to one end of the line of tables and started off, the crowd watching her every move, fascinated as to how she held her plate and the utensils with hooves so effortlessly. No matter what physical task she did, whether it was strength or balance, she couldn’t help but be amazing at it. After she made it all the way down, as there were several dozen things to have, it was clear that she really liked pasta salad, and therefore all forms of it would be gone before everyone even got a chance to copy her.

There were many tables scattered about, but the instant she took a seat, Pinkie Pie appeared in her peripheral vision.

“On the stage. There’s a special table for you.”

“What? Oh. That wasn’t there before.”

“Go there. You’re too good for the ordinary tables.”

She left her plastic table with umbrella, umbrella removed, and went back to the stage, where there was a nice wooden table for one with a pinkish purple tablecloth. Set on the table to go along with her paper plate and baked beans was a wine glass with her favourite beverage, a punch that mixed eight different fruits but which tasted most strongly of watermelon, apple, and strawberries. It was also slightly carbonated.She put her food down, took the single mahogany seat, and awkwardly looked at the crowd as they all watched for her next move, then got back up to say something.

“Look... I’m not actually hungry. I just did this so you could all get food.” The crowd cheered. “So let’s see... what would you all like right now....”

A hundred different suggestions were screamed to her, and it was clear that she would have to come up with something herself. She tried to ignore all the noise and think of something that involved her that any one of them would love to do today. Not necessarily any other day, just this one day where everyone, whether or not they were a fan of race flying or saving the world, was almost singlemindedly obsessed with her.

“Okay, here’s the deal. I’m going to go to every table and you’ll all have thirty seconds to tell me how cool you are. If I’m convinced, your table or somepony in it goes on to the next round. I’ll tell you the ultimate prize later, if me picking you out for something doesn’t count.”

Armed with Pinkie Pie’s phone for the timing and Pinkie Pie’s phone for putting the names of the winners down, she went on the hour-long search for the greatest pony in that party who she didn’t already know. Most of them were completely boring, a few were okay, a few were certainly not boring but seemed like terrible ponies, and in the end only fifteen were deemed to be worth ever interacting with again. As she read their names to the crowd, one by one they came on stage to the cheering of their peers.

“And the final pony is Red Alert.” The crowd cheered as she ran up to the stage. “Now that we have our qualifiers, I’ll explain the next round once I come up with it. Right now, you can all finally get food. But they get to go first.”

They all finally got food, and someone who wasn’t Rainbow Dash or one of the party’s organisers just assumed she could come up on the stage.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash!”

“You can’t be here, Twilight. They might gather that we have a special connection.” She noticed the microphone was still picking her up. “Which would be awkward, since we don’t.”

“Fine. I just wanted to tell you how awesome you are. I guess I’ll see you later.”

“No, I mean specifically right here.” She jumped off the stage. “Here is fine.”

“Oh, okay.” She followed. “You’re amazing.”

“It’s a really low series. I’m nothing to get excited over yet.”

“Hey, we got excited when Pinkie Pie won that town bake-off in Vitany. You won an international athletic event.”

“I guess. Maybe I’m so used to being awesome I don’t even notice it anymore.”

“Maybe. So will you win us the entire series now?”

“I don’t wanna say anything yet. It’s been two races, and Shooting Star’s been taking all the tracks on for years longer than I have, and doing it well. This is the first year I’m competent, so I could prove myself to suck at any time.”

“Well, you’ll win, because you’re Rainbow Dash.”

“That’s what I thought in my first year in the series, and you know how that went.”

“Yeah, but now you’re a confirmed winner, so it’s going to happen.”

“I mean, I’m glad you’re so confident in me....”

“You’re going to win every race and make her cry. So when are... oh, right, we can’t do that. Can I literally kiss your hooves tonight after the party?”

“I already told AJ I’d be with her.”

She stamped the ground. “When is that dirty, classless country pony going to kill Rarity and commit suicide?”

“Never.”

She groaned. “That’s not what I was hoping to hear.”

After effectively having lunch, the fifteen chosen were back on stage, separated by species. In front the earth ponies were four ropes with nine knots each, and in front of the unicorns was a Flitha brand flying disc.

“Attention, partiers,” Rainbow said. “I will now explain the second round. The six unicorns will each get one levitation-throw of that Flitha, the furthest three moving on to the next round. The five pegasi will race to the lake in the park in Sparkstown, where they’ll be given an anklet to take back. The first three back here will move on. The four earth ponies each have one rope with nine knots to untie, and the first two to finish go on. First up, we’ll have the unicorns.”

Since the vast majority of the throwing competition was a pony walking with a trundle, the time was filled with various ponies coming up on stage and gushing about Rainbow Dash. From Twilight to any Wonderbolt, anyone even locally famous was eligible, and it lasted until Rainbow pushed a shopkeeper aside in the middle of her speech.

“We have the results of the Flitha contest!” The crowd cheered for that and cheered three more times for the names of the top three. “Now on to the next contest. Ready, pegasi?”

“Yeah!” four of them said.

“Go!” They all went off north. “Ready, earth ponies?”

“Sure,” one of them said.

“Go!”

Rainbow stepped aside and the shopkeeper continued her speech. One of the ponies was particularly good at untying and did the task effortlessly, the other three being massive failures, taking longer than the last pegasus to return. One of them did relatively get the hang of it halfway through, finishing with a total time of just over three minutes per knot. Another shopkeeper was pushed out of the way to announce the final eight.

“So there you have it,” Rainbow said, “They’ll be going into round three once I come up with it. Until then, enjoy the speeches.”

“Round three is pretty simple: everypony will be matched up based on how long their names are, with the longest taking on the shortest up to the two with the middle lengths going against each other. First pony to pin the other one facedown on the stage for six seconds wins. No magic or flying will be allowed, even if the other pony can do it. The first match will be Divine Serving of Noodles Made for the Specific Purpose of Being Sacrificed to a Volcano against Tin.”

The matches were held to the constant cheering of the crowd. Except for one where the two ponies stood on their hind legs and held each other for minutes, like how freestyle wrestling matches were supposed to go, they all ended with one quick tackle.

“Right, here are the winners. You just saw Cabbage Patch possibly being killed by The Crushinator, and the other three are Double-Time, Lavender, and Divine Serving of Noodles Made for the Specific Purpose of Being Sacrificed to a Volcano. What do your friends call you, Divine Serving of Noodles Made for the Specific Purpose of Being Sacrificed to a Volcano?”

“Divine Noodles.”

“That still sounds like a full name.”

“Perhaps, but it’s what ponies say.”

“Anyway, the fourth round will begin in a few minutes. The seven of you who are conscious can do whatever until I call you back up. You can all enjoy some more speeches.”

Twilight, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Spike were all at one table, mostly listening to Pinkie Pie’s awful customer stories.

“So then I was like ‘that promotion ended a year ago and then I literally ate all the cupcakes, so no’, and then he mentioned the coupon again, so I’m like ‘it doesn’t matter if you still have the coupon that, by the way, clearly states right there the end date that’s over a year ago’, except less ranty, so he said the typical thing about losing a sale and left.”

“Seems pretty simple compared to some of the ponies,” Twilight said.

“Yeah, but he didn’t come to understand, he just gave up. I like it when they realise why they’re wrong and apologise.”

“Yes, I’ve gathered that from the previous ninety-three rants.”

“Look at the pony up there right now,” Spike said. “She’s actually crying.”

“Oh, wow,” Twilight said. “Have I seen her before?”

“I certainly haven’t.”

“Well, of course you haven’t, you spend your whole life in a fucking tree. I just wonder what makes her that emotional.”

“Remaining ponies come up for round four. This will be a quiz round about things only ponies with an unhealthy obsession with me would know.” She waited as they came back on the stage. “First two to get something right move on to the final round. First question: where did I finish in my first race in an official series ever?”

“Eighth,” Double-Time said, rolling her eyes.

“You’re in the final!” The crowd cheered. “Next question: what’s my favourite negative number?”

No one knew, and it took several questions until the next answer.

“When I did my first commercial after saving the world—well, my first one at all—what programme was it interrupting?”

“Oh, I know!” Lavender said. “It was Tales of the Red Plains.”

“That’s wrong. Anypony else have a guess?”

It took several questions until the next correct answer.

“In my first race in an official series ever, who won?”

“Oh, I know!” Lavender said for the fifth time. “Cumulus Congestus!”

“That’s... right.” The crowd cheered. “We have our finalists!”

“I feel pretty bad for the pony who goes to all that trouble and doesn’t win,” Pinkie said.

“Yeah,” Twilight said. “Especially if the prize is actually good.”

“Did you know any of the questions?”

“Some of them. I think I would still be in the contest, honestly. Rainbow Dash liking me, check. Powerful levitation, check. Wrestling... not sure. And Rainbow Dash trivia, check.”

“You know, Applejack would be really good at this. It’s almost like she wants to find somepony similar to her. Am I analysing it too much?”

“Definitely yes.”

“Finalists, please come to the stage.” To the cheering of the crowd, they came up for the last time. Double-Time, a white mare with a grey mane and tail and a cutie mark with one digit 4 above another, and Lavender, a lavender mare with a white mane and tail and a cutie mark of a bar of soap, waited in excitement and fear for the final challenge. What wasn’t there before was the same unicorn who used the trundle and a crate with a pocket switchblade on it.

“Each of you sit at opposite sides of this crate.” They did. “The challenge is simple: the first to take the knife and stab themself in the leg down to the handle wins. You’ll have thirty seconds to bleed and scream in pain, then this pony will take you to Zecora. After you stab yourself, you can take the knife out any time you want, or not. The challenge starts now.”

Double-Time rubbed her hooves together and took a heavy breath. Lavender put her hoof next to the knife, but didn’t take it. They made eye contact for a moment, then looked back to the knife. As Double-Time took another deep breath, Lavender took the knife and put it in her leg. She screamed to the cheering of the crowd and took it out after a few seconds. “You can ask to go to Zecora early at any time, but you lose,” Rainbow said. Whether Lavender could hear it over her own screaming, only she was sure, but she did last a very slow thirty seconds.

“She’s good,” said the unicorn as she looked at a stopwatch, eliciting another cheer. She went away with the victor.

“And that’s it! The prize will be revealed once she gets back. For now, you can all congratulate or make fun of Double-Time.”

“What an easy challenge,” Twilight said. “I’ve had way worse on some of my adventures.”

“It’d be hard for me,” Pinkie said. “What about you, Spike?”

“Twilight’s done more painful things to me than that. And like, you know you’re going right to Zecora afterward.”

“Fluttershy? Will you back me up?”

“Yes. I wonder why she’d want a pony who she clearly likes to do this to herself....”

“Do you even live in central Equestria, Fluttershy?” Twilight said. “Sometimes I wonder.”

A much happier Lavender was delivered back to the stage to much cheering.

“Welcome back, Lavender. You wanna know your prize?”

“Of course!”

“I’ll tell you the time later, but tomorrow night, you’ll meet me at Chez Aliment.”

“I... do I really....”

“Yes. Now go to your table, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Not wanting to waste one second, she flew back to her table. With the contest finished, everyone looked and waited for Rainbow’s next word.

“Er... I don’t have much to say apart from my race. That’s why I’ve let other ponies handle this. If you want to worship me, just get down and do it, I’ll be sitting here for a while.”

A few ponies got on the ground to look at her as she ate party food. A few minutes later, just when everyone was settled in talking with their own table or staring at her, she got back up and took the microphone.

“I’ll now be taking questions. If anypony wants to ask me something about my life, my opinions, or whatever, line up in front of me. That mat you may have seen whatever that pony’s name is put down is the end of the line.”

The question period wasn’t over by sunset.

“Okay, this is the last question, then the party’s over because it’s dark. The rest of you, you didn’t barge your way to the mat hard enough. Now what’s your question?”

“Have you tried new Orange Tsunami—”

“Next.”

Two ponies pushed him down, then the unicorn of the two began to charge a spell. The earth pony slapped her repeatedly, but her concentration wasn’t broken, and the earth pony’s slaps suddenly became slower before she fell asleep. “Who’s your favourite contestant from Carnival Game Mansion?”

“I’ve never watched that show. That concludes the party.”

She immediately went off for Sweet Apple Acres. However, all they did was have sex for hours on end like every other time they met.

Chapter 65: A Minor Inconvenience

Rarity woke up to the sight of three television cameras surrounding her, so she figured she should say something.

“I just had the strangest dream... I was this dog that looked like Twilight and....” She threw her blanket off, revealing her front legs. “AAAAAAAAH!”

Spitfire and Soarin’ were up on a cloud, not doing anything of note.

“Did you hear something?” Spitfire said. “Like, somepony screaming?”

“No.”

“Okay, I might’ve overreacted to that spider,” Rarity said. “But I think I can have just a small scream when I wake up to something like that.” With no need to spend half an hour waking up, she got right to her day, which was just another day running the Carousel Boutique with nothing interesting happening.

Rainbow woke up from a long, comfortable, rejuvenating sleep curled up on her cloud. “Wow, that was weird,” she said to herself for the cameras, “I dreamt I was a skunk. Seriou... oh... oh Faust. Whatever, I’ll just to go... Zecora... with no wings.” She looked down on whatever village it was the cloud had drifted to, which was definitely not Ponyville. “CAN SOMEPONY HELP ME?!”

Twilight was sitting in her bedroom, having a bowl of corn flakes with relaxed contentment. Spike came in carrying a book.

“Hi, Twilight,” he said nonchalantly.

“Hey.”

He put the book between two others on a shelf under the room’s non-bunk bed. “So when are you going to Sugarcube Corner?”

“It’ll be a couple hours. Why?”

“I don’t know. I just like to know where the pony who gives my life purpose is. What if I call you and you’re not there? That could be a whole minute wasted looking for you.”

“I’ll tell you when I leave, okay?”

At school, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were sitting against a wall, just around the corner from each other. They were both holding phones, and both unaware that the devices actually had calling capabilities.

“You are, like, so funny,” Diamond Tiara said. Silver Spoon didn’t respond. “Hey, there are Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. Let’s bug them to make us feel like we’re worth something.”

“And Ah knew Pinkie Pah had a pretty hah jump, but—”

“Hello,” Diamond Tiara said.

“What is it this tahme?”

“I... I don’t know. Hey, where’s Scootaloo?”

“Ah... Ah dunno.”

“Well, anyway... your... clothes are terrible.”

“Mah bow?”

“Yeah. That colour is just... awful.”

“Er... sure.”

“I’m afraid if we spend any more time like this, somepony might associate us with you. Come on, Silver, let’s go.” They went back to where they just were.

“Well, that was—”

“YOOOO!” Scootaloo came through the entrance on a skateboard, briefly in the air from a jump she made to get over the stairs. She jumped off the board into a cartwheel into a frontflip, letting the vehicle hit an irregularity in the floor and crash on its side into a locker. “Wazzup, sistahs?”

“Ah’m pretty good. Where did you get that?”

“I was literally starving and I went to Sparkstown to go skipping, and it was just there. It isn’t so useful on the gravel we have around here, though.”

“Hm. You gonna keep it?”

“Until it inevitably gets stolen the next time I sleep.”

“Do you know why I came to Sweet Apple Acres and teleported us to the middle of this soybean farm before you realised who you had just got the door for?” Trixie said.

“Actually, no,” Applejack said.

“Maybe this pack of cards will give you a clue?”

“No.”

“It’s because we’re connected, Applejack. On a magical level. You see, when bit by a burgundyback spider, we both transform into exactly the same animal.”

“What’s that and how do you know?”

“It’s just another magical animal, really, you won’t run into one unless you’re particularly careless in the Everfree or somepony deliberately brings one to attack you with. When bitten by one, you turn into a small version of an animal determined by various genetic factors. The point is that I got a bit of your blood and it turns out we’re the exact same animal. The chances of that without being closely related are extremely slim.”

“How did you get mah blood, and are we related?”

“I don’t know, you were asleep with Rainbow Dash and your leg had blood for some reason. So I teleported in and got the blood.”

“Oh yeah, Ah remember that. So don’t tell me we’re related.”

“The test said we aren’t.”

“Ah thought you said—”

“Yes, I know I said the chances are extremely slim. The point I was making isn’t that we’re related, it’s that we’re connected in a specific magical context.”

“What?”

“You can get Twilight to explain the science to you if you’re really interested, but what it means is that if one of us transforms, so does the other. That also applies to turning back.”

“So... if one pony is transformed, another prolly is too?”

“No. Even siblings tend to have completely different animals. Only most pairs of identical twins along with chance cases like us will be the same.”

“So whah do Ah even need to know any ah this?”

“Because I’m extremely lonely and I’ll take any excuse I can get to talk to somepony I like.”

“And whah did you suspect us of havin’ the same animal?”

“When I was getting my test for reasons unrelated to any of this, the pony mentioned offhoof that it was extremely similar to Big Mac’s, and I got curious.”

“So what about Apple Bloom?”

“Woah, she’s a foal. I wasn’t going to spy on her sleeping, doing it to an adolescent is creepy enough.”

“She wouldn’t mahnd more than Ah did. They grow up quicker in Equestria.”

“Yeah, but I still couldn’t make myself do it.”

“All raht. That’s all great, can Ah go now?”

“I’m very lonely.”

“Just take me back.”

Pinkie Pie had a lot of things to bake, and Twilight was helping by occasionally levitating something, massively cutting down the time wasted on carrying things.

“Seriously, I need to thank you again. I couldn’t be doing this without you.”

“Well, levitating a baking sheet isn’t much work....”

“Don’t be like that, you took a lot of time out to help. You deserve a pat on the AAAAAAAAH!”

“That’s, like, the tiniest spider I’ve—”

“Kill it!”

She lifted the spider to eye level and turned it to dust. “Better?”

“Yes. Now we can continue. So all this work isn’t boring you, is it?”

“Not with you to talk to.”

“Aww. Well, I’m glad you’re having a good time.”

“Yep, I am. Pretty much the only thing that could ruin it is if I heard that somepony I loved was transformed into an animal and helplessly being carried away from Ponyville.”

“That sure would suck in a specific way.”

“Yeah, that’s the joke.”

A pale yellow pegasus with a pink mane landed on a cloud which held a skunk of foal-like proportions, six centimetres high on her hands and knees.

“Fluttershy! I’m Rainbow Dash!” Rainbow said, which unbeknownst to her came out as a bunch of skunk noises.

“It’s okay, I’ll get you back to the ground,” the random mare said, picking her up. She carefully made her way to the ground, not making any sudden jerks, and put her down. “Off you go now.”

She was in a middle of a village that was no more than a few dozen houses on either side of a single gravel road, and she didn’t know which way led to Ponyville. “Fluttershy?”

“I have to go.”

She went back up. With no way to tell, Rainbow took a guess and went in the opposite direction of where the cloud was going until she got to the edge of the village. There was nothing over the horizon, and thinking about how long it took her just to get where she was, she decided it would be better to go door-to-door for help.

After she scratched at the first door for five minutes, a pony answered. Seeing that it was an animal, she immediately shut the door. She got a bit further with the second one.

“Uh... hello?”

“Do you know how I can turn into a pony again?”

“Um... I don’t speak skunk.”

“What?” He shut the door. “Speak skunk... crap, nopony understands me. I’ll just have to use charades or something.”

The third pony, after being confused for a moment, looked down and saw her. “Oh, you look like an adventurer bit by a burgundyback spider.” Rainbow shrugged. “I know somepony who can fix you.” She nodded. “I’ll get a bag, you wait right here.”

The pony came back with a purse around his neck and bowed so she could get in. After a very bumpy hour or two, they arrived at a particular doorstep of an adjacent and very similar village and he knocked the door, to be answered by a white earth stallion with a long, very curly white beard, quite similar to the pony carrying her except for the extra hair.

“Hey, bro, I found another one.”

“Two in the same week... I hope it’s just a coincidence... anyway, come in.”

The carrier stepped inside and followed him to the kitchen, and the apparent town Zecora opened one of the cabinets above the sink. “It should be... yes, here.” He took out a glass bottle and, with amazing coordination, got a measuring spoon for a single millilitre and filled it up. “Ready?”

Rainbow nodded and he fed her the liquid, then the carrier took her outside and bowed to let her out. She went a couple metres away from him. “It should take about a minute,” he said. And indeed it did, with her disgustingly transmogrifying back into a pony in the span of four seconds once the time ran out. “Wait a minute, Rainbow Dash?!”

“Yeah.”

“Holy fuck!”

“Which way is Ponyville?”

“The same way we’ve been going. Take a right at the middle of the next town.”

“All right.” She got in the air and headed off.

“Wait! You’re Rainbow Dash!”

As was her plan, she came to Twilight’s place that night. “Hi, Twilight.”

Too concentrated on her book to previously notice her, she turned around. “Oh, hi. Anything super crazy happen today?”

“I woke up and I was a skunk.”

“Oh. How did that happen?”

“Apparently there’s this spider—”

“I know that. How did one get wherever you were?”

“I don’t know, I was on a cloud. Maybe somepony brought one because they had an evil plan.”

“To say the least. We could’ve needed to save the world today.”

“So I was the only one this happened to?”

“Spike got transformed into a really, really book dumb lizard, but that’s it.”

“I see. So will this ever happen again?”

“I don’t know.”

“That isn’t comforting.”

“The truth rarely is.”

“That isn’t comforting.”

“The truth rarely is.”

Chapter 66: The Sweet Apple Prison

Across the orchard from the house of the Apples, there was a new building. It was nine metres long and six wide, and completely plain white on the outside, with no windows and just the one door in the middle of a wall. Without the slanted roof, which had no overhang, it would have been the most boring exterior of any structure in the world.

“This is the new prison?” Rainbow Dash said.

“Yep,” Applejack said. “There have been a lot of fangirls spahin’ on Big Mac lately, so maybe we can catch some and teach ‘em each a lesson. Mostly Twahlaht’s gonna use it, though.”

She opened the front door, revealing a hallway two metres wide leading to the other end of the building. The inside was just as plain and white, with the four cells on each side of the hall having doors made entirely of laminated glass. They went inside a cell.

“So you have the sink/toilet unit over there, a pillow, and if you look above the door, you’ll see there’s a curtain.”

“I don’t see any... I don’t know... ventilation.”

“Near the corner. There.”

“Oh. That looks pretty small.”

“Eh. They said it was okay.”

Later that morning, Applejack got a phonecall.

“He—”

“Do you have six of the cells free?” Twilight said.

“It was just finished last naht, we don’t have anypony.”

“Great. I’ll bring them in tomorrow.”

The next day, Applejack had a door to answer. Twilight and three other ponies were levitating six unconscious ponies.

“Where are the keys?” Twilight said.

“Ah’ll get ‘em.” She went upstairs and came back with a keyring in her mouth.

“Thanks.” Twilight took the keyring and her crew headed to the prison. They put the victims in and left, including Twilight, because it would be a few hours before they woke up and she might as well do something.

An orange pegasus woke up in her cell and saw, in addition to the standard things, a cardboard box sealed with packing tape, with “DO NOT OPEN” written on it in marker. After adjusting to the fact that she was alive after seeing Twilight and then suddenly losing consciousness, she shook the cube fifteen centimetres to a side, and there was definitely something firm in it, but that was all she could get. She looked in the cell across from her, which had a pony who wasn’t awake yet, and lied down with her pillow.

Twilight came in and, one by one, took a good look at her prisoners as they nervously looked at her in silence. She was levitating a steak knife, and after seeing them all, she went in each of the cells to cut the tape. “You can all open your boxes now,” she said. They all did, revealing a piece of cardboard with a five-by-twelve grid printed on it and a set of cheap, easily snappable white plastic pentominoes. “I think it’s obvious what you’re doing. So get to work!”

“All Ah’m sayin’,” Applejack said to Big Mac as they watched a hoofball match, “Is that Ah thought the episode was gonna be about me, since the fancy thing is where Ah live and all, instead ah Twahlaht getting to do her little game show again. Ah mean, sure, Ah may not have anythin’ to actually do, but... we’re gonna have sex after this, they could show that.”

“You never mentioned that.”

She hugged him. “You don’t wanna have sex?”

“Yesterday—”

“Ah know we had sex three tahmes yesterday, so what? You’re a strong, sports-watchin’ stallion and you don’t even wanna have sex.”

“I don’t try to be—”

“Ah know, Ah’m just really horny raht now. And Ah’m gonna make you horny and we’re gonna have—” She extended her leg out at the television as Big Mac rolled his eyes. “—What the fuck was that?”

“He isn’t giving anything this game.”

“Ah know, it’s fuckin’ ridiculous. Anyway, you wanna fuck?”

“No.”

“Well, Ah’ll make ya.”

“I got it!” the fifth pony said. Twilight came over and looked in the cell. “That’s it! We have just one pony left.” She turned around. “And you know what I do with ponies that are one left.” She opened the door, opened the curtain, and stepped in, and looked into the wide, pleading eyes of the pony on the floor with her half-completed puzzle. “Any last words?”

“Killing me won’t accomplish anything.”

“Neither does anything that’s fun.” She snapped the pony’s neck and brought her outside. Everyone waited and made shrugs at each other, and after a few minutes she returned. One by one, she opened up the cells to take the puzzles back, then turned around as she went back through the doorway. “I’ll see you in a couple days, you can talk or whatever. You’ll get your first food tomorrow.”

A different orange pegasus woke up and saw two apples, a two-litre bottle of water, and a small slip of paper in the middle of the room. With nothing else to do, she read the note. “This is your sustenance for the next twenty-four hours,” she muttered to herself, “Take it when you will.” She lied faceup on the floor, then looked to the side a bit because she was looking directly at a light tube. “Come on, you aren’t that hungry. Why would you be? You haven’t been doing anything.” She looked into the opposite cell and saw two apple cores and an empty bottle. “You’re stronger than her. You won’t take in anything until you have visual hallucinations.”

Big Mac was sat calmly at his computer reading news and trying to ignore Applejack cuddling him. This happened once every couple of weeks on average.

“Can Ah at least suck you? Come on.” She got off the chair and got on her back knees. “Ah’m supposed to be the dominant one, whah do you always make me do this? Ah feel lahke Twahlaht over here.”

It had been two days since the puzzle, judging by the small amount of light the front door failed to block and how many times the lights in the ceiling had been turned on and off. Like everyone else, a purple unicorn with a dark blue mane and a cutie mark of several six-pointed stars was waiting for Twilight to come and get the next execution over with already. They talked, they waited, night fell and the lights came on, and they all quickly lost hope for the day. That was when Twilight came in. She had in her magic a plastic bag, a paper plate with a slice of pizza with peppers, and five index cards which had all the letters of the English alphabet bar Z paired with a different shape, many of which were a rotation of one of the others. She opened each of the cells to collect the day’s apple cores and bottles and give them each a card, and she spoke right after she closed the last door.

“I think it’s obvious what you’ll be doing in a few hours. The first to finish gets this slice of pizza, and the last one left gets killed. I’ll see you later tonight.”

“Come on,” Applejack said. “Who else am Ah gonna have sex with?” Someone knocked the front door, and she went down to get it. “Hey, Rainbow Dash.”

“Can we fuck?”

“Ah’ve been trahin’ to get Big Mac interested for hours, so Ah guess you’re what Ah have.”

“I’m ‘what you have’? I’m your fucking girlfriend.”

“If that’s how you feel, then we don’t have to do anything.”

“I’ll shut up.”

“Before they become twenty per cent deader, let’s learn a little more about our contestants. In the rear right cell, we have Mandarin Zest. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I have two foals—” said the orange-furred, orange-maned, and orange-eyed pegasus.

“Nopony cares about your foals. Here in the mid-rear left cell is Nightfall. Tell the world about yourself in case you live.”

Having prepared something in case this were to happen, the purple unicorn spoke very confidently and clearly. “Yep, my name’s Nightfall, I’m a sixteen-year-old student, and my favourite hobby is killing ponies with lightning rays when they cut me off on the pavement.”

“Sounds exciting. Across from her, we have Blackie.”

This victim had a black body except for the fur around her hooves being white, a Rainbow Dash cut white mane, and a black tail that became white near the end. “Mraaau.”

“In the mid-front left cell is Orange Sorbet. What’s interesting about you?”

“I’m thirty-two, from Vota, I’m a carpenter, and I was once foalnapped by Twilight Sparkle and forced to solve puzzles quickly or be killed.”

“Sounds exciting. And in the mid-front right cell, we have Rock.”

The Octavia-coloured stallion had an unkempt mane that went down to his knees, an unkempt tail that went down to his hooves, and enough unkempt facial hair to make a blanket. “Rock mathematician. Rock know what Scroll Lock do!”

“Excellent. Now I’ll take your cards away, give you a new one and a pencil, and the last one left to not write the decoded message on the opposite side and show me dies.”

“Ah get a scene?” Apple Bloom said. “Ah’m just makin’ a draw’n’ to show Sweetie Belle how untalented she is at everythin’ she loves.”

“Everypony else is sitting around or having sex,” camerapony #4 said.

“Well, so am Ah.”

Despite being multiple sentences, the message was presented as a continuous stream of words with only spaces to punctuate them. It also had all instances of the six traditional vowel letters deleted, and as the first sentence explained, the missing elements had to be added in in the answer.

“Let’s see how each of our prisoners are doing. Mandarin Zest, you look pretty nervous.”

“Because I could die.”

“I see. Nightfall, you look inexplicably calm.”

“Yeah, I got this. I’ve always been good at these sort of things.”

“Blackie, you look... a bit lost.”

“It’s fuckin’ hard, yo.”

“Orange Sorbet?”

“I can feel myself getting angry.”

“And Rock.”

Rock made a soft grunt.

Applejack came into the prison. “Ah’m takin’ over this episode.”

“What do you mean?”

“This was supposed to be mahne and you took it from me.”

“It was for whoever wanted to do something with the new building.”

“You know it was for me. And Ah’m gonna take it.”

“How?”

“Ah challenge you to a wrestlin’ match.”

“What kind?”

“What kahnd?”

“Yeah. There are so many different codes of wrestling. Freestyle, sumo, all the rulesets in the Atoulian genre—”

“Ah dunno, just... pin you to the ground until you give up.”

“Well, I’ll just pretend you’re Rainbow Dash. Then I’ll never give up.”

“Why would—” Nightfall said.

“It’s complicated. Anyway, I wouldn’t give up.”

“Then we’ll do a count.”

“Well, then we need another pony.”

“We’ll get a camerapony to do it. Come on.” They went outside. “Get the other down to all of their knees for ten seconds, sound good?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go.”

Applejack jumped at Twilight, but Twilight stopped her in midair with her magic and shoved her into the ground.

“Hey, you can’t do that.”

“You didn’t say magic wasn’t allowed.”

“Fahne, you can have this one.” Twilight released her and she got up. “Say, whah didn’t you torture me when you had a legitimate reason? Ah know you wanna do that.”

“My girlfriend wouldn’t take too well to any torturing of you.”

“Ah see. Well, Ah’ll see you... Ah dunno.”

“Keep yourself warm.”

Nightfall opened her curtain. “Is this it?”

“That is... it.” She got the pizza from the end of the hall and briefly opened the door to give it to her, taking the card as well. “Enjoy your continuing awareness.”

It was hard for Twilight to tell time where she was, but it definitely took a while before the next pony. “Twilight!” Mandarin Zest said as the opened her curtain.

She came over. “Let’s see... mm-hmm... okay, you’re good.” She took the card.

“Just one more round and I’ll be out of here, right?”

“Maybe. Maybe it’s three. Or zero. You’ll find out if you last that long. If you haven’t already.”

“Twilight, over here!”

“Huh?” She went to Orange Sorbet. “You think you got it?”

“Yeah.”

“All right, let’s see. That’s good, that’s good, that’s....” She gave the card back. “Keep trying.”

For the past fifteen minutes, Twilight had been sitting against the back wall with a plate of chips, eating the crispy ones very slowly, when she got another call. She put the plate down and went back to Orange Sorbet’s cell.

“Let’s see if you got it right this time. That over twelve... carry the one... yep.”

She sighed and spread out her legs. “Thank Faust.”

She went back to her chips. “These are sort of greasy, by the way, and there’s, like, way too much salt. So you aren’t all missing out on much.”

“Twilight,” Rock said. She came over. “Rock think Rock finish puzzle.”

She looked over the card. “This is right.”

“Rock happy.”

She went to Blackie, opened up the door, and slid the curtain open. “You know what it’s time for.”

“The twist that only the first pony dies?”

Blackie’s heart suddenly seized. “Nope.” She turned around and looked at all the remaining ponies. “Well, that’s that round. I’ll see you all sometime between tomorrow and a week from now.”

Three days and six apples later, with a pony, a constantly closed door, and just enough air circulation to breathe comfortably in each of the cells, it was a very hot afternoon for them when Twilight came in. After everyone lost their shocked looks, she spoke. “Your final challenge is simple: divide seventy-seven by forty-seven. You’ll each get a piece of paper and a pencil, and after two hours, you’ll each give me your final, decimal, answer. Furthest away will die, the rest I’ll release.” She gave out the supplies and started a stopwatch. “Go.”

After two hours, she collected the papers. The last one she took was Rock’s, which had a giant “1.many” circled.

“Rock? I thought you were a mathematician.”

“Rock mean say math magician. Rock know party tricks.”

“Well, whatever the case, I have to kill you.”

She tore his legs off, eliciting some very deep yet loud screaming, and closed the door. She went and opened Mandarin Zest’s door. “You can go now,” she said, and the former prisoner happily ran off without a word. This happened with the other two as well, then she herself went outside and closed the door, leaving Rock to bleed to death.

Chapter 67: True Feelings

Apple Bloom came into Sweetie Belle’s room, the reason being that she was visiting Sweetie Belle. She wanted to bring Scootaloo, but she wasn’t at her normal spot.

“Hey, Sweetie Belle.”

“Hi.” She came to the door. “So what’s up?”

“Well, Ah was wonderin’ if you wanted to have sex.”

“Oh Thoth, do you how long I’ve been waiting for you to ask?”

“Er... a week?”

“Close enough.”

Sweetie Belle tackled her and the deep kissing began. It took a few minutes, but eventually Apple Bloom was the one to break it.

“Let’s get to what we really want.”

“Hey, I’m the one who tackled you, I get to decide everything.”

“Ah made the confession, Ah get to decahde everythin’.”

“You’re going to wait a couple more minutes and like it.”

Apple Bloom pushed Sweetie Belle off her and got on top, making sure to keep each of her legs down with one of her own. “You’re doin’ what Ah say.”

“But I—”

“You don’t have anythin’ anymore.” She shifted to a flatter position and started the genital rubbing, which lasted for minutes without much change. At one point, they kissed intensely, but it was brief and had no long-term effect on the direction the sex took.

“The type of act you’re doing,” Sweetie Belle said, “And the intensity at which you’re doing it, are exactly what I was hoping for at this point in our sex this particular session. Your execution of it is very skilful as well, or at least you’re making me very happy.”

“I think after this, Ah’m gonna kill AJ. Just stab ‘er with a knahfe from the kitchen.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause Ah’m sick ah Big Mac never bein’ available for me. You’re gonna help, bah the way.”

“Sounds good.”

Rarity came up. They had never closed the door. “Holy fuck, what are you doing?!”

“What does it look like?” Sweetie Belle said. “We’re having sex.”

“I know. You’re doing it without me.”

“I’ll get to you, we’re almost done.”

After they both came, Apple Bloom let Sweetie Belle up. Rarity went in the middle of the room and lied down, then Sweetie Belle got down and penetrated her with her horn. She didn’t thrust very quickly since moving her head back and forth at any higher speed felt like she could actually feel the blood sloshing around, as she knew from past experience, but it was still enough to make Apple Bloom clop to it. “This is so much better than the porn Ah had of you ponies before,” Apple Bloom said. Though there was a lot of heavy breathing, no one said anything between that and Rarity screaming for her orgasm.

Sweetie Belle got up. “A lot of your cum got in my mane.”

“I see,” Rarity said as Apple Bloom came. “Well, I should go now.”

“‘Kay, bye.”

“Bye.” She got up and left.

“Hey, Sweetie Belle, can you lick this cum off me?”

“Sure.”

She went over and got down again to lick her cum up, then began eating her out. “Sweetie Belle, you got it all...” Apple Bloom said, which didn’t get her to stop. “Sweetie....” She put a hoof on the younger sister of a world-saviour’s head. “Oh....” After feeling Sweetie Belle’s tongue stimulate various areas of her vagina, but particularly the deeper parts, Apple Bloom orgasmed, and the close friend of Scootaloo’s did the same thing she started with but without the surprise.

“We should get Scootaloo involved sometahme,” Apple Bloom said.

“But she probably doesn’t want to have sex with us.”

“Then we’ll just rape her.”

They smiled at each other.

Chapter 68: Small Talk

Twilight was lying on a couch and occasionally registering bits of morning news when she heard someone come into the room.

“Morning, Spike.”

“Mornin’, Twahlaht.”

“What?” She gathered all her will and pulled her head up to the armrest. “Apple Bloom?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Meh.”

“Do you know where Spike is?”

“Sleepin’.”

“Okay, that’s fine.”

“Can Ah stay here for a bit?”

“Sure. If you’re going to eat something, have the strawberries in the fridge, they’re probably going to go bad soon.”

“‘Kay.”

Apple Bloom went back to the ground floor. “Twahlaht said Ah can stay.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah. Wait, you’re awake?”

“Yeah.”

“You were asleep a few minutes ago.”

“Yeah. I woke up.”

“Huh. Didn’t think of that.”

Spike was at the opposite end of the house when he heard the call.

“Spiiike!” Twilight said.

Spike went down a couple flights to summon himself. “Are—”

“Get the door and tell whoever it is that I’m busy.”

“What if it’s Rainbow Dash?”

“Busy.”

“What if it’s Celestia?”

“Get the fucking door!”

“But if—”

“Get the door!”

He went down and got the door. “Hi, Rainbow Dash.”

“Hey, Spike.”

“Look, Twilight’s kinda busy, so....”

“That’s fine. When should I come back?”

“I don’t know, she didn’t say. Really, I think she’d rather not be bothered today.”

“I’ll take up somepony else’s living space, then.”

Octavia and Lyra were lying on their television couch, Lyra on top of her, having just released her from the week’s forced kiss.

“Are you starting to like it yet?”

“No....”

“When are you going to start?”

“You could at least warn me.”

“Then you might consent to it.”

“You know, you might’ve been right. Maybe this job isn’t for me.”

“Come on, give it a chance. You’ll start to like it at some point.”

“I don’t know, I am Octavia....”

“I know you. You’ll be fine.”

“I also know me, and I don’t agree.”

“At least give it a chance.”

Big Mac opened the door to his room. “Make it quick.”

“What’s up with you today?” Applejack said. “Just askin’ if you know where Apple Bloom is.”

“No.”

“Huh. Ah’m pretty sure she ain’t here....”

“Did you check the cabinet in the corner you always forget to check?”

“No. Ah’ll do that.”

Apple Bloom was lying on the floor in Twilight’s bedroom. So was Spike, but this was normal.

“So why are you here?” Spike said.

“Ah just need a li’l’ change ah scenery for a bit. Same three buildin’s, same three routes between ‘em, it gets a bit old.”

“That kind of makes it sound like you’re moving.”

“Didn’t mean to. So how you been?”

“Normal. You?”

“A bit bored with m’ lahfe, if Ah’m honest. Ah mean, Ah lahke mah friends and such, they ain’t the problem, but lahke... Ah have home, school, and one friend’s house, and it was all gettin’ a bit dull, so Ah decahded to come ‘ere. Just to mix it up.”

“That almost makes it sound like you want to move.”

“Ain’t what Ah meant. How you been?”

“Normal. You?”

“Well, recently Ah’ve been a bit bored with mah lahfe, if Ah’m honest. Ah love Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Shortbread, they certainly ain’t the problem, but it’s lahke... Ah have home, Ah have school, and then Sweetie Belle’s place, and it just seems like Ah’m doin’ the same three things every single week. Ah was sick of everything. So Ah thought, you know, this is a nahce place and Ah’ve... never given you a chance, Ah guess, even though Ah’ve always had a feelin’ we’d lahke each other. So Ah came here, just to do somethin’ different for once.”

“You’re coming close to making it sound like you want to move.”

“Ah didn’t mean for it to be interpreted that way. And you?”

“Normal. You?”

Having brushed her teeth and taken a shower but still feeling slightly sleepy, Apple Bloom was back in her room and about to turn on her computer. It was a normal Saturday morning. But a thought suddenly came to her, out of nowhere as far as she could tell: why was she about to tun on her computer? She had no idea what she planned to do with it. It was pure habit. She slowly moved her hoof away from the button and back to the floor, and wondered what she was going to do, then. What she couldn’t do was visit Sweetie Belle, because as much as she liked her, this was about breaking habits and she was sick of that place. Then she realised she was sick of this place too. And school was school. She was bored of everywhere. She ran through the possibilities, and it came to her: the treehouse. Unlike the others she knew, Twilight probably wouldn’t mind having her, plus she always felt that Spike deserved a chance. She had always had this feeling they would get along, and it was a good time to test it.

She went over there, and her first mental obstacle was the front door. She could knock or she could go straight in. She decided she would rather not bother Twilight, plus she just wanted to be surprising, so she went straight in, the door unlocked as always. She noticed Spike asleep on the floor, so with nothing else to do, she decided it was time to surprise Twilight. She went up the floors until she found her in the television room, watching news and looking almost fully awake.

“Hey, Spike.”

She tried her best to copy Spike’s voice, but it was so bad Twilight didn’t notice she was trying to do anything. “Mornin’, Twahlaht.”

After the conversation which confirmed that she wasn’t being kicked out, she went back down to wait for Spike to wake up. Maybe be in his face as he woke up and scare him a bit.

“Twahlaht said Ah can stay.”

“Cool.”

After a short conversation about—

“Yeah, I know what happened after that.”

“Oh. Sorry. So yeah, last naht Ah was—”

“Stop.”

“Okay.”

Chapter 69: Much to Undo

Vinyl Scratch was up on her DJ platform doing her thing at the Morning Star nightclub. This was normal. Twilight entered the building, walked by dozens of ponies without receiving a single shocked look, and came up to her, all of which were abnormal.

“Twilight? How did you get in here? And why?”

“Knockout bolt. You hypnotised Rainbow Dash.”

“Yeah, but there’s no way to reverse it.”

“So Zecora can reverse it.”

“I dunno, I wouldn’t think so.”

“Well, I’m checking. Can’t believe I came all this way for no information.”

She went back to the treehouse, but as she relaxed on her bed reading yet another book with no title, a storm kicked up, virtually guaranteeing no Rainbow Dash for the night. Not only that, everything was clean, and she wasn’t even horny. She finished the chapter, then sighed.

“Well, now what am I supposed to do? Anything I want? But there’s nothing I have to read right now, and I’m tired of this one. I can’t believe the one time I really want to be directed about what to read, there’s nothing. Isn’t that ridiculous, Twilight? What fucking luck. No, I don’t feel like clopping. And yes, I don’t care if it’s been three days. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe I’m finally getting over my sexual obsession. You never support me, Twilight, even with things like this. Either you criticise me, or when I actually better myself, you find some reason it’s actually bad because you’re that scared of change. I’m not saying I hate criticism, but sometimes I wonder if you even like me. I know, you’re just trying to help, blah blah blah. Do you have anything that’s actually important to say?

“Yes, I’m worried too that Vinyl’ll do something now that she knows we have plans, but what can I do? She won’t do anything to Zecora, that’ll get her in more trouble than it’s worth. And besides, she doesn’t think I can do anything anyway. No, I’m not going on the Internet. I need some sort of work. Need to feel like I’m really doing something.

“No, I’m not going to bitch about Rarity. Yes, I know it would be good for the ratings. I have nothing to get off my chest, anything I have right now is just general stuff that’s already been said. I don’t really mind her right now anyway, I tell her to stay out of my life and she’s stayed out of my life. The one I should be bitching about is Pinkie Pie. I mean, I don’t really like her that much anyway. She’s too happy, you know? Too bouncy and happy. Not the kind of thing Twilight likes. And when you tell her to fuck off, she doesn’t fuck off, unlike Rarity. She’ll just keep talking to you because she thinks her presence is just so great that it’s for your own good that she sticks around. Does she even realise how highly she thinks of herself? And really, when’s the last time she said anything of substance? I mean, Rainbow isn’t exactly a philosopher, but she’s not an idiot, she certainly thinks on a higher level than Pinkie Pie. I mean, okay, Pinkie isn’t an idiot, really, she’s just... a bit simple, I guess. And not the good kind of simple that’s all boring and practical and other things I like, the dumb and ‘I guess that’s all there is to it’ kind. The kind of boring that’s actually boring, not just boring for ponies who don’t like reading. How much can you really say about her, you know? I mean, I know, that’s her, she shouldn’t change for me, but let’s be honest, she really isn’t Twilight’s style.” She sighed. “I’m sorry, Pinkie. I don’t hate you. It’s just... you’re like sugar in more ways than one, but one of them is that too much of you gets pretty sickening.”

“It’s okay, Twilight.” She heard Pinkie’s voice, but she didn’t know where from. “I’ll leave you alone if you want. If you get a little sick of me sometimes, I understand.”

“Pinkie Pie? Where are you?”

“Right in here.”

“In my bedroom? I know that much. Where specifically?”

“In your head, silly!”

“I’m hallucinating you?”

“That’s right!”

“I’m going to sleep.”

The next afternoon, Rainbow Dash came directly into the bedroom as she did, and Twilight was sitting in the middle of the room and not doing anything obvious.

“Hey, Twilight. What are you doing?”

“Vinyl Scratch said there’s no way to reverse the hypnosis.”

“That’s right.”

“So we’re going to Zecora.”

“But I don’t mind being hypnotised.”

“I do.”

“I asked AJ and she doesn’t care, so you’ll have to drag me inside and force-feed me the thing.”

“Then I will.”

She did the teleportation and knocked the door. Startled, Zecora reflexively shut her laptop then answered it.

“Why do you—”

“I told you, it is none of your fucking business. How do you reverse Vinyl hypnosis?”

She retrieved some sort of mushroom from one of the shelves. “Eat this.”

Rainbow took it and ate it. “Is that it?”

“Yes. Now go.” She shut the door.

“Zecora?” Rainbow said. “What’s wrong?”

“Go.”

Twilight took them back. “So I guess you want to have sex or something,” she said.

“Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t really feel like it.”

“But... you’re....”

“I know. I mean, you understand, don’t you?”

Rainbow kissed Twilight for a few seconds, confident that their tongues coming together would remind her of who she was. “Come on.”

“How hard is it for you to understand, I don’t—”

“You’re making me come or I’m leaving. Um, that wasn’t, like, a pun. Anyway, I do this often enough for you. Do you know how many times you’ve raped me?”

“But you like it.”

“And you don’t?”

“Not all the time.”

“Well, we’re far from even. So do you want me here or not?”

“But you always like it.”

“I’m leaving.”

“We can fuck.”

After the sex scene, there was still half an episode to fill. Fortunately, just a day later, Pinkie Pie came into Zecora’s hut.

“There’s a problem,” Pinkie said.

“You didn’t knock?”

“No. I have a cut on my leg.” There was a bandage on her right foreleg. “Also, I have another cut from some sort of weird magic rabbit or something attacking me as I was making the dangerous journey.” There was also a cut on her right hindleg. “Can you fix me?”

“You could just wait.”

“And probably get an infection.”

“Why, from the cut you wouldn’t have got if you didn’t come here?”

“The bandage is kind of loose too. It was a combination of having hooves and having fur.”

“I can only fix weird stuff.”

“I’ve seen you fix normal stuff before. Now give me the thing.”

“At the moment, I don’t have anything to fix open wounds.”

“Fine. Also, why are you talking normal?”

“Go away.”

“Fine, but if the universe ends, I’m blaming you.”

Not an hour later, Zecora found Applejack at her doorstep.

“Ah was apple-buckin’ an’ Ah did somethin’ weird to mah back raht leg here. You see?”

“No.”

“Lahke, the muscle in the upper part feels kahnda twisted somewhere, and it hurts whenever Ah put pressure on it.”

“You came all the way here alone on three legs and you’re fine?”

“Yeah. Had to get away from this weird evil rabbit, but Ah’m okay.”

“Did it look more like a rabbit or a hare?”

“Ah don’t fuckin’ know.”

“Either way, if you did run away from one of those, it isn’t that bad.”

“So can you fix me?”

“No.”

“No? Can’t fix me, apparently can’t rhahme, are you even the real Zecora?”

“Why did you come to me for this sort of thing?”

“There was nowhere obvious to go.”

“Well, duh, because you’re going to be fine.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Go.”

The next patient was Rainbow Dash.

“You were here yesterday.”

“I know. Now I scraped my wing on a branch. Then I did it again flying away from this rabbit with these weird long ears.”

“That’s called a hare.”

“Well, I need you to fix me.”

“I don’t have any bandages.”

“I know you can fix me. I’ve been here often enough. I know you.”

“I’d rather not waste what I have on a little cut I can’t even see.”

“Is it worth the universe?”

“Leave.”

After that sequence, no one had any more regrets for the day. Fortunately, Applejack and Rainbow Dash had sex that night.

Chapter 70: A Lot To Make Up For

“Episode 70’s coming up,” Pinkie Pie said to her latest customer, “But I didn’t throw a party for episodes 30, 40, 50, or 60.”

“So?” Twilight said.

“So I’ll just have to throw a quintuple-intensity party!”

“Oh Wall.”

It was a hot, humid, wish you didn’t have fur kind of day in Ponyville. Someone needed to get the door at the Sweet Apple Acres barn, and Applejack was the one who stepped up.

“Hi,” Lyra said. Alongside her was Octavia.

“Hey. Whatcha here for?”

“We were supposed to see Apple Bloom because of, because of completely organic reasons that don’t involve television contracts.”

“She’s at school raht now.”

“Well, this is when we were supposed to be here....” No one knew what to say. “So why are we here, then?”

“There ain’ a philosophical reason for—”

“No, why did they send us, here.”

“Ah don’t think aliens—”

“It was probably just a boring administrative oversight.”

“Do you seriously—”

“Why did they, the ponies running the show, send us, Octavia and Lyra, to here, Sweet Apple Acres, when the timing didn’t work out.”

“Oooohhhh. Yeah, Ah dunno.”

“So this can’t be the only thing for the supposed ‘spectacular’ they’re promoting, can it?”

“There’s the game show. But Ah don’t know what it’s even about yet.”

“Hm. I guess they really are keeping it from everypony. But really, why did they send us here?”

“Don’t look at me.”

In an open field just south of Ponyville, inside a circle of grass strangely shorter than the grass around it, an audience of about fifty were sat on bleachers watching Rarity and Fluttershy diligently clean a screen that was quite large, about four by three metres. In front of the screen and to its right, and at a slight angle to its left, was Pinkie Pie, who would be hosting the game. The three contestants were a white mare with a sky blue mane, her other features hidden behind the podium, a yellow mare with an orange mane and an officially licensed Big Macintosh cap, and Sweetie Belle.

The screen was clean, all cameras were ready, the host and contestants weren’t really hungry or trying to hold off a bathroom break, and the audience weren’t being held hostage. It was time.

“Hello and welcome,” Pinkie said, trying too hard to look at the camera correctly and staring into it creepily, “To Mane Character for an Episode Showdown Alpha Plus Platinum, the show where if you actually know the answer, you should put down your laptop and stop cheating. Let’s look at our three contestants.

“Here on the left, we have an electrician all the way from Onille in Chevalie, Courant Alternatif. In the centre, we have the sister of clothing store owner and world-saviour Rarity, Sweetie Belle. And on the right, we have a pony who described her occupation as ‘fangirl’, Butterscotch.

“Now here’s how the game works. I’ll be asking seven questions. The last one is worth double points. That’s the entire game. Is everypony ready?”

The audience and contestants cheered.

“I said are you READY?!”

The audience and contestants cheered more loudly.

“Good! Now let’s get this party ON!”

After a thirty-second loading screen, Pinkie asked the first question.

“Who wrote the book that was a best-seller in Equestria called ‘I Used To Be A Prostitute’?”

Courant Alternatif rang in. “Stone’s Throw.”

“Correct! Next one: who wrote the book that was a best-seller in Equestria called ‘The World Will End Two Years From Now’?”

Sweetie Belle rang in. “Red Carpet.”

“Correct! Next one: who played Ophiuchus in the film ‘In a Minute’?”

Courant Alternatif rang in. “Carbon Copy.”

“Correct! Next one: oh, it’s time for an ad break.”

“Welcome back to Mane Character For an Episode Showdown Alpha Plus Platinum. Courant is in the lead with two points, followed by Sweetie Belle with one, and finally we have Butterscotch, who hasn’t said a single word in the entire programme. Ready? Good. Delicious instant meals from ForkIt only have to be microwaved for how many seconds?”

No one knew the answer.

“Time’s up! The answer is 45. What fire spell requires the caster to be in contact with fifty-six grams of diamond?”

Sweetie Belle rang in. “Carbon Copy.”

“Correct! It’s all tied up with just two questions to go! Now for question six, which may or may not end up being completely irrelevant: what’s 37 squared?”

No one answered.

“And time’s up. The answer is 1,369. We’ll back for the final question after these unbelievably important messages.”

Pinkie and camerapony #3 had a conversation which nobody else heard but which involved a lot of nodding.

“We’re back. With one question to go, Courant Alternatif and Sweetie Belle are tied for the lead with two points each. Now here it is, the final question. This could get you the win. The border between Upper and Lower Mbelo bisects what body of water?”

No one knew.

“It’s Maansikkelmeer. Here’s the tiebreaker question, whoever gets this one is the winner, if somepony does get it. What colour unusual for the brand was prominent on ForkIt’s box of Big Macaroni, a—”

Butterscotch rang in. “Cerulean!”

“That’s right! Butterscotch wins!” Confetti fell from above. “Get up here!” She went on a soapbox placed in front of the screen next to Pinkie Pie. “No, no, look at me, we’re not using the screen for anything. Now it’s time for the bonus question. If you get it right, you’ll win 25,000 bits.”

“Let’s do this.”

“The musician Jilefeaun typically plays what instrument?”

“Um... she’s a pianist, isn’t she?”

“Wrong! The correct answer is the tambourine! But you’ve still got the money you won based on your score, for a total of zero bits!” The audience cheered. “That’s it for this episode. Join us next time, which could be a day or several years from now, on...”

“MANE CHARACTER FOR AN EPISODE ALPHA PLUS PLATINUM!” said everyone in the crowd.

The next morning, Rainbow Dash came into Sugarcube Corner.

“Hi, Dashie!”

“I told you to fucking stop saying that. Anyway, hi, that was a pretty good party. The show was cool, the food was cool, and I swear I saw Fluttershy in a conversation with somepony.”

“Was? The party’s still going! That was just day one!”

“Oh Wall.”

“The fun continues today at—”

“Look, Pinkie Pie... we’ve had enough party episodes. Today they’re focussing on all the... I’m meeting a few ponies, can’t tell you the details, and they think it’ll draw in more viewers.”

“Aren’t they at least sending a transcriber or something?”

“Of course, but the fancy crew is coming with me.”

“Oh... well, I’ll still have fun. Just kind of hoped the show would be there. And you, apparently.”

“You’ll be good. You’ll still have a lot friends around, to say the least.”

“Yeah, it’ll be great. Ponies you never see, games you never see because they were just made up... but the awesomest pony of all won’t be there.”

“She’s at every party anyway.”

“Well, there’s a reason for that....”

“I can’t be there, okay?”

“I know... at least the show will be better for it.”

“Yeah. There’ll be something worth showing the world in there, that’s for sure.”

Chapter 71: The Chance

After leaving the bathroom, the first thing Butterscotch always did in the morning was go back to her room and put on her cap. It was mostly a somewhat light grey, but depicted Big Mac on the front, accompanied by the words “BIG MACINTOSH™”. As even caps needed washing occasionally, she had two, which unlike many of her possessions were always in the same place on the same shelf when not in use.

She left the house and couldn’t help but notice the television camera. She suddenly became a lot more nervous and conscious of everything she did, going down the two steps that led to the front door very slowly. By the time she arrived at Sugarcube Corner—just in front of the building, not inside of it—it was better, but she was still not exactly calm. Apple Bloom, Lyra, and Octavia were present, being the ones who needed to be given more screen time.

“Hey,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi,” Lyra said.

“Hello,” Octavia said.

“Hi. So what are we doing?”

“We’re savin’ the neighbourhood in a bit, but there’s one more pony comin’,” Apple Bloom said.

“Who?”

“Big Mac. He’s ge—”

“Big Mac?!”

“Y—”

“I’m going to see him?”

“Yeah.”

“And talk to him?”

“Probably.”

Butterscotch began to jitter like she was severely overcaffeinated, to the point of unsettling the gravel below her. Lyra put a hoof on her back, which stopped her, held it for a few seconds, and then let go.

“You good?” Lyra said.

“I think so.”

When Big Mac came into view, Butterscotch began to jitter again. Lyra held her again, but it didn’t work.

“Hi,” Lyra said.

“Hi. Is she okay?”

No one answered, as no one knew. Her vibrations were steadily getting larger.

He looked at Butterscotch. “The name was Butterscotch, right?”

“Yes,” she said with a very nervous voice to match her facial expression.

“Sorry, I know it’s only been a day. It’s ni—”

She fainted.

“Ah know if she’s okay,” Apple Bloom said.

Lyra felt one of Butterscotch’s legs for a moment, then her neck. “She doesn’t have a pulse.”

“We gotta get ‘er to a hospital or Zecora or whatever’s closer,” Apple Bloom said.

“Do we know who’s closer?” Lyra said. No one answered her. “Well, do we know where either place is?”

“We know where Zecora is.”

“What if we get killed?”

“We can also get killed goin’ to the hospital.”

“Um... right. Maybe we should go to Twilight and just have her teleport us.”

“Ah guess that’d work.”

“Actually, I’ll just go, then she can teleport here and take Butterscotch.”

“You know what would be even more convenient?”

“Yeah?”

“If you knew this place.”

“I know.”

Spike answered the door.

“I need to see Twilight.”

He sighed. “She’s where she usually is.” Lyra came in and ran upstairs. “Nopony ever needs to see Spike....”

Lyra came running into the bedroom. “Twilight!”

The world-saviour looked up from writing something on her desk. “What?”

“We need you to take Butterscotch to Zecora!”

“Where is she? Where you’re doing the—”

“Yeah, where it starts.”

She took them to Sugarcube Corner, none of them aware that they were being watched by Pinkie Pie. “So what’s—”

“Take her! Quick!”

She teleported herself and what may have been a body to Zecora and knocked the door. Zecora promptly answered it, and she was annoyed to see Twilight but interested to see a new pony.

“What’s with all the ponies... coming to... my abode? There’s a really nice hospital right down the road.” She facehoofed. “I’m sorry, that was awful.”

“She’s unconscious or something.”

“Let me see.”

Twilight moved her through the doorway. Zecora took a glass bottle with a clear liquid that she clarified after the main filming “wasn’t just water”, dumped the liquid out on Butterscotch’s face, and got a stethoscope for her.

“She’ll wake up in a minute, she’s not injured or sick. Now just go away, I want to write my cl....”

Twilight didn’t respond.

“She’s fine, as far as I can know. Now leave my place, away you go.”

She teleported back. “I know, she’s still unconscious, but she said she’ll wake up in a minute.” Without waiting for a response, she left.

“So what’s ‘a minute’?” Lyra said. “Like, literally a minute or....”

“Don’t ask me,” Apple Bloom said.

“So I guess we just... wait.”

As they silently waited, Golden Harvest came up to them. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” Lyra said. “What brings you here?”

“I heard a yellow-furred, orange-maned pony was supposed to be here. I figure it’s me?”

“No, it’s this OC. Her mane is more of a... generic orange, like the kind you’d see on a colour wheel. And the style’s totally different.”

“Oh. I thought I was finally in.”

“Sorry....”

“No, no, I don’t want you to feel bad, it’s nothing to do with you. I’ll just go.”

Golden Harvest went back the way she came. After a couple more minutes of silence, Butterscotch got up.

“I think I feel a bit better now.”

“I’ll believe it when you don’t faint at Big Mac’s voice again,” Lyra said.

“So how are we going to ‘save the neighbourhood’?”

“Oh. Twilight said that she would commit a massacre here if she didn’t get elected to the Ponyville Zoning Board, so we’re all going to vote for her today.”

“We’re not fighting monsters or anything?”

“We’re supporting the monster.”

“I see.”

After they left the city hall, Butterscotch had a question.

“So why did they—”

“Shh,” Big Mac said.

Hearing Big Mac breathe at her made her close her eyes and shake her head, but she got through it. They went away from downtown to a more residential and less dense street, then Lyra suddenly stopped, with the others following.

“So what was it you wanted to ask?” Lyra said.

“Why did they let me vote? I’m not a resident of Ponyville.”

“That’s what I thought you would say. There’s this pony who looks a lot like you, but she never goes to anything like that. I won’t give you any more details.”

“Also, where are we going?”

“I don’t know. I was following Big Mac.”

“I was following you,” Big Mac said.

“Oh. Well, I guess that’s it. I hope you had fun.”

“Can’t I have one last... anything before I leave, Big Mac?”

“Hmm....” He shook her hoof. “There, I touched you.”

“Yaaawauiiiieeee!”

“Are you—”

“I need to put all this energy somewhere. Bye.” She ran off, faster than Rainbow Dash.

“So I have things to do,” Lyra said.

“As do I,” Octavia said.

“Ah...” Apple Bloom said, “Actually, no.”

One pair went one way and one went the other.

After running a 10K, Butterscotch arrived at Vitany Temple of Big Macintosh. She went between the statues of Big Mac where lions or such would normally be, burst through the doors depicting Big Mac in the pose of a supporter on a coat of arms, and met a dozen other fangirls wearing caps similar or identical to hers. The building was much longer than it was wide, with benches on either side, a raised part with a desk on the end, and a stained glass window also on the back wall, altogether a very typical church-like layout.

“You won’t believe what happened!”

One of the ponies had a burgundy cap instead of a grey one. “Did you meet him in your—”

“Yes! And he touched me! He touched me without being coerced at all!”

“What?!”

“I know!”

“Did he like you?”

“Well.” She calmed down just a bit. “Honestly, I think he thought I was annoying. He really only touched me so that I would go away.”

“Ah. Did he say anything to you?”

“He said hi when we met, he told me to shut up once... a couple other things, but we never actually talked.”

“I see. Still, he touched you for his sake, that’s amazing. You do know what I have to do now, yes?”

“You don’t have to. He didn’t even like me.”

“Yes, I do. You’ve met him. He touched you.”

“So I would go away.”

“Butterscotch, you know this has been coming for some time now. It isn’t just this. I’m not here as often as I’d like to be, and, well, you are. And everypony likes you.”

“You shouldn’t, I wouldn’t be very good at it. Do you really want to trust me with the responsibility?”

“Don’t be so modest, you know that you could handle it. It’ll be better to have somepony in charge than nopony, and you know we all want you. Including you.”

They went behind the desk, and the burgundy cap pony opened a drawer. Inside were some papers and a pair of caps like she was wearing. She took one of them out.

“Really, I wouldn’t know what I was doing.”

“You know how these places run. Everypony likes your opinions. This has been coming for quite a while now.”

“Well... if I can’t convince you, I’ll take it.”

“Do you refuse or not?”

“I mean, I do want it, but....”

“Exactly. Everypony wants you to have this, including you. Think of it this way, you’re just giving yourself a chance.”

“But if I suck and I need to give it up in a week....”

“We’ll forget this ever happened.”

“Well... all right. I’ll take it.”

“Very well.” She put the cap she had been holding on the desk, then took Butterscotch’s off and also put it there. “Ball Lightning permitting, I make you a burgundy cap.” To the cheers of the congregation, she took the burgundy cap again and put it on Butterscotch.

“I... other than earlier today, this is the greatest moment of my life.”

“I’m so happy for you.”

“Can I have a hug?”

After a firm but quick hug, the exchange continued. “So do you have to leave?”

“I said I would be back after I did my thing.”

“All right. Have fun explaining your cap.”

“I’ll try.”

Chapter 72: Somehow Platonic Spa Time

All the world-saviours were together at Lotus and Aloe’s spa, except Twilight because an adventure suddenly came up, and Rainbow Dash because she just didn’t like the spa experience in the first place. Lotus was filing Rarity’s horn, Rarity having cucumbers on her eyes, Fluttershy was in a hot tub with cucumbers on her eyes, Pinkie Pie was in a hot mud tub wearing sunglasses with cucumbers for lenses, and Applejack was getting a massage from Aloe. This was all taking place in the same room.

“First the fantastic rhyming duo,” Pinkie Pie said, “Now the fantastic tub duo. Is there anything we can’t both—”

Scootaloo burst through the door and came just close enough that she wouldn’t disappear in front of the tubs, Zecora a couple seconds behind. “Excuse me,” Zecora said, “But we are the fantastic rhyming duo.”

Pinkie raised her glasses. “Oh, really? Then we challenge you to a rap battle.”

“Pinkie Pie?” Fluttershy said.

“What?”

“We’re going to lose a rap battle....”

“Oh, please. Scootaloo’s a foal without a cutie mark, and Zecora does, like, poetry shit. Can you actually imagine Zecora rapping?”

“The way things have been going for the past six months....”

“Well, then what will we challenge them to?”

“If we base it on improvisation, Zecora will win it for her team, but if we give everypony some time, Scootaloo will win it for her team.”

“I wish Twilight was here, then she could come up with something fair.”

“You mean something contrived enough to give you a chance to win?” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah.”

“Because the fairest thing is to take it outside and have a rap battle.”

“Fine, I’m not afraid of a fair fight. Are you ready, Fluttershy?”

“I want to finish my time in the hot tub.”

“Okay. We’ll meet you ponies, pony and zebra, outside in ten minutes. Well, we’ll have to dry off, so a bit more than that. We’ll see you soon.”

When Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy exited the spa, there was a pony they didn’t expect.

“Why is Vinyl Scratch here?” Pinkie Pie said.

“I’ll be judging the battle. Am I an acceptable choice of judge to your team?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now, here’s how it’ll work. The teams will alternate insulting each other with rhymes, and the individual ponies within the teams will alternate turns as well. Once you can’t put together a turn that satisfies me, the other team gets a point. First to three wins. Zecora, what number am I thinking of?”

“Seven thousand.”

“Pinkie Pie?”

“Pi.”

“The answer is forty-two. Pinkie Pie, will your team be going first or second in the first round?”

“What do you think, Fluttershy?”

“Do either of us have a rhyme yet?”

“No. Okay, we’ll go second.”

“Okay. For every round after the first, the team who just lost will decide who goes first. Pinkie Pie, what’s your team’s name?”

“Pie-N-Shy.”

“And Zecora?”

“Everfree RC.”

“Very well. Everfree, you go first.”

Scootaloo went first. “Yo, you think can rhyme better than rhyme master Zecora? You’re gonna be far worse, I mean every single mora. The best thing you ever say will be worse than her worst, so for the sake of your dignity, just keep your lips pursed.”

“We ain’t gonna quit,” Pinkie Pie said, “We ain’t gonna back down, we’re gonna be envied by the entire town. We ain’t just gonna beat you at rhyme generation, we’re gonna kick your asses to the United Federation.”

“I’m Zecora, bitch, I’ve been here my whole life. At the end of this thing, you’re gonna wish I was your wife. You’re gonna propose, and I’m gonna say no, and you’re gonna lift up your gun and you’ll be ready to go.”

“Um...” Fluttershy said, “Uh....”

“Time’s up! Everfree win the point.”

“Dammit, Fluttershy, what’s wrong with you?” Pinkie said.

“I’m not good at this....”

“Well, I could tell that much. Just think of something bad about Scootaloo or Zecora. It isn’t that hard.”

“It isn’t?”

“No, it totally is. But I know you can do it. I believe in your ability to mock ponies.”

“But I’m—”

“Think of something.”

“Are you going first or second?” Vinyl said.

“Let’s try the other one. We’ll go first.”

“Very well. Whichever one of you is going first, please make your statement.”

“Hey, yo, Scootaloo,” Pinkie said, “I heard you try to sing. In Sugarcube Corner, I thought ‘what is that fucking thing’. I open the door, and what I hear is pretty shocking: it’s just the voice of Scoots, not a pair of banshees focking.”

“No fake swears are allowed in this genre,” Vinyl Scratch said. “Everfree get the point.”

“I can’t believe this, Fluttershy. If we don’t get three points a row now, we lose our title as the fantastic rhyming duo! How did you let this happen?”

“I didn’t—”

“At least I came up with anything at all. Vinyl, we’re going second.”

“Everfree, make your opening statement.”

“You call yourselves a duo,” Scootaloo said, “But I only see one. You pulled her into this thing, she ain’t havin’ any fun. Your bitch might be smart, she might also be cute, but it don’t matter here, ‘cause she’s also fuckin’ mute.”

“I object to that,” Pinkie said. “What does being cute have to do with this?”

“I’ll allow it.”

“Hey there, Zecora, I like what you’re doin’ with that fool. Lettin’ her do all the work while you relax right by the pool. Supposed to be the master, but lets a little foal go first. Maybe it’s because you know that you’re actually the worst?”

“That was all right, but it’s too little too late. At least half my team I don’t suddenly hate.”

“I object. That was poetic word order.”

“I’ll allow it.”

“Although, I understand, she can’t think of stuff in time. Not that it matters when you can’t actually rhyme.”

“Hey, I’ve rhymed—”

“Pinkie Pie,” Vinyl said, “It’s Fluttershy’s turn.”

“Hey, I think my teammate’s good,” Fluttershy said, but with a tone of normal speech as opposed to rapping. “She knows how to....” She sighed. “Trust me, you don’t want to hear the rest of that.”

“That’s it,” Vinyl said. “Everfree have swept the match.”

“Dammit, Fluttershy. You fucking suck at this and you should feel bad about it.”

“I never really wanted to—”

“It doesn’t matter. You agreed to it and you were a fuckup. Now go finish your treatment. Or don’t. Just tell me which one so I can do the other thing.”

“Pinkie Pie, I’ve never seen you like this. It’s just a rhyming contest.”

“It’s just our status as the fantastic rhyming duo.”

“You said that one time and nopony liked it.”

“Yeah, but we were still the fantastic rhyming duo. Until you fucked up, of course.”

“I’m going back inside.”

“Fine. Run away from your problems. Run away from every argument you get into. See where that gets you in life.”

Fluttershy came back in.

“So who won?” Rarity said.

“Scootaloo and Zecora. It wasn’t very close.”

“I won’t pretend to be surprised, but I’m sorry it went that way.”

“It doesn’t bother me. It was really Pinkie’s thing.”

“Still, I feel bad for you. I know how it feels to lose a rap battle.”

“You do?”

“Oh, yes. I was ten years old at the time, and a foal at school called me a... called me prissy, I’ll put it that way. I answered him in rhyme, he responded in the same manner, and we quickly caught some attention. But after about a minute, I finally couldn’t answer him—I could very well, I just couldn’t put it into a rhyme—and I was embarassed in front of dozens of foals, many of whom were the type to use anything they could to bully somepony anyway. And with something like that on me, I didn’t hear the end of it for months.”

“That sounds terrible.”

“And it was.”

Cup Cake was rearranging things on the counter to make just another one of many new layouts she was having a look at that day. “Pinkie Pie, you’re here early.”

“I know. I lost a rap battle. Fluttershy was my teammate and I didn’t want to be near her. Even though we only lost because the referee gave the other team a free point.”

“That’s a shame, but was it really something to leave over?”

“Yes. You weren’t there.” She went upstairs.

“Speaking of celebrity relationships,” Rarity said, “Which Fluttershy so seamlessly brought up from blood oranges, I have a question, Applejack. It seems like Rainbow Dash has been with you a lot recently, and it isn’t just me—”

“Yeah. ‘Cause we’re friends. We get along, you know? She don’t like you, Twahlaht’s all about books ‘n’ stuff, and so on. Ah’m her favourite and she’s mahne, it ain’t meant to be a secret.”

“Ah. So nothing possibly romantic?”

“Please. Where do you get this stuff?”

“I read in a magazine citing a pony citing his friend’s cousin—”

“And you believe that over your own friends, who bah the way are the ones the rumours are about?”

“No. That’s why I was asking you.”

“Ah guess Ah’ll take that. Yeah, there’s nothin’ there.”

“All right.”

As Rarity and Applejack were having a casual conversation, Fluttershy noticed something odd: Rarity and Applejack were having a casual conversation. She didn’t want to mention it, since if they thought about it they would probably stop, but it was so strange she could barely contain herself. Fortunately, that was a lot better than almost being able to contain herself.

“Hey, Rarity,” Applejack said as she relaxed in the mud tub, “Ah’m gonna be the one who wonders how mud could be therapeutic.”

“I’ll be the one who explains it.”

“Okay. What’s the thing about mud?”

“I actually have no idea. It could be completely psychosomatic for all I know.”

“Whah did you volunteer to explain it, then?”

“It seemed like I would know.”

“What? Ah expect that sorta talk from Rainbow, not you.”

“You actually like her, so I don’t see why that’s a problem.”

“Do you know, Fluttershah?”

“No.”

“So none of us know. That’s good to hear.”

“You seem awfully—” Rarity stopped when Aloe got to her shoulder. “Breadbox!”

“Hm?”

“You were sort of in the side of—”

Aloe sighed. “Nopony likes that thing....”

Twilight was walking through a forest at a fairly leisurely pace, this being the primary activity of epic adventures. It was a dense forest, even by adventure standards, with a dirt road as wide as a pony the only path. Visibility was greatly limited in all directions, including up. She was wearing bags which held not any weapons, beyond a short knife, but bandages, twine, and other items associated with wilderness survival. That was the reality of adventure kits, at least for unicorns.

Eventually after hours of walking, she sat down against a tree, unzipped one of her bags, and got out a bag of trail mix. Actually eating trail mix on a trail pleased her more than it should have, but this was balanced by not having to pick up all the little nuts with hooves pleasing her less than it should have. When she felt satisfied, she put the bag back in the larger bag, got up, and carried on walking.

“She told me to tell her what I was doing so that she could take the other option and be away from me. I mentioned how not like Pinkie she was being, but she still acted like this was really important, so after she said one more swear at me, I went back in here.”

“You say she acted like it,” Rarity said, “But I bet to her it was that important.”

“It’s just such a weird thing to care about that much.”

“Well, she is Pinkie Pie.”

“Ah’m sick ah that bein’ a thought-terminatin’ cliche for everythin’,” Applejack said, steamrolling over whatever Fluttershy was about to say. “There’s gotta be some sorta pattern to ‘er.”

“Why?”

“Well, there are a few things about you Ah don’t understand, but it all makes sense to you. It should be the same thing with her.”

“I don’t know what to say. I suppose we just disagree about whether or not Pinkie Pie is a random process.”

“Ah suppose we do.”

When Rarity got home, as she made the trip up to her bedroom, she didn’t even get to the “up” before she saw a note on the kitchen table. She unfolded it from the caret shape it had been bent into and read it aloud for the camera.

“Dear Rarity, I’ve been thinking about this for a couple months now, and I’ve decided to run away. I won’t go on a rant, but you basically hated me for having the poniality flaws typical of every foal. Also, fuck. You can’t do anything about me saying that now, can you, bitch cunt? With love, Sweetie Belle.”

For some reason, she wasn’t brought to tears by reading it. There was something about the note that just didn’t seem like Sweetie Belle.

“This doesn’t look anything like her hornwriting....” She paused for a moment as she considered what to do. “Sweeeetie Belllle!”

Sweetie Belle came down. “What is it?”

“This note says you ran away.”

“Well, I didn’t.”

“That’s what I figured.”

“Is that it?”

“Yes.”

Chapter 73: Date Night

Fluttershy was in the medicine aisle of the Sparkstown Big Stopmart looking for Amnesia Juice™, but what she found in its spot was Equestria Spring Amnesia Juice. Equestria Spring had bought Amnesial Juices and rebranded Amnesia Juice™ to fit! They didn’t change the recipe whatsoever, but it just wasn’t the same without that trademark ™ in the name. Nevertheless, she got it, and no other items in her trip provoked nearly as much of a reaction.

On her way home, she noticed that the mayoral announcement stage had a giant Equestria Spring logo painted on it. Then when she got there, there was a thermos on her doorstep with a note taped to it. She put it in with the groceries and, after going inside and putting everything else away, got back to the Equestria Spring-branded flask and read the note.

“This is a free sample of Equestria Spring® brand aqueous drink with FREE thermos! Whether you sip it like wine or down it like applejack, enjoy the same aqueous drink straight from the Jasmine Forest springs that powers Rainbow Dash to international race flying victory. EQUESTRIA SPRING® IS NOT INTENDED FOR PONIES WHO ARE LONELY OR WHO LEAD SEDENTARY LIFESTYLES.”

Immediately she was erring on the side of not trying it, as it seemed to not be made for her, figuratively and otherwise. She didn’t immediately pour it down the sink, but she did leave the thermos there, and get on with her day without thinking about it again.

As was the case for most of her day so far, Rainbow Dash was high in the sky flying to the expected location of a celebrity or other pony whose opinions were likely to influence the masses. She was wearing a wingsuit—not a slick, smooth one, which would have been far too hot for the mission, but made of a cotton-polyester blend like normal clothing, and which left her head and hooves uncovered—depicting a spruce forest with a giant Equestria Spring logo on either side. Her next destination was Sweet Apple Acres.

When someone answered the front door of the Sweet Apple Acres barn, the pony they turned out to be answering was usually Rainbow Dash. This time wasn’t anything unusual.

“Hey, Rainbow,” Applejack said.

“Did you try your free sample of—”

“Yeah. It was kahnda lahke crisps how it makes you want more of it, but it was also water. It was kahnda weird.”

“You should tell the world about it. Make a casual remark on Chirps or something.”

“They made a deal with you, not me.”

“Fine. I’ll just ask the other two members of your household.”

“Is that all you’re here for?”

“Yeah.”

“Bug somepony else.”

“I already tried that fifty times, but okay.”

A few hours after Fluttershy, Twilight was at the Sparkstown Big Stopmart. In itself, this was a common occurrence, but today, Twilight was only interested in Equestria Spring. After taking a little sip of the drink, then downing the whole bottle, she knew she never wanted to have tap water again. It wasn’t only the crisp feel of really good water, there was something else. When it ran out, she felt like she suddenly had to abandon a meal in the middle, despite her knowing exactly how big the thermos was. It was like she had to tap the doorknob eight times or she just couldn’t relax, but someone else was there, and the only way to get the task out of her mind was to go to a supermarket and buy a specific brand of bottled water she was craving really badly. Whatever the simile, she was thirsty and she had decided to drink Equestria Spring instead of tap water whenever she could.

She found the section labelled as having Equestria Spring without issues, but that was when the issue came: they were out of stock. Therefore, she ran around until she found an employee to bother.

“There’s no Equestria Spring!”

“I know! All these ponies have come to me today telling me about it just like you, and I have to be like ‘I know! All these ponies have come to me today telling me about it just like you, and I have to be like ‘I know! All these ponies—”

“You’re in a recursive quote.”

“Huh? Oh, thanks. Yeah, we’re out.”

“What will I do now?”

“I have a few bottles at my house. Come back here at six and I’ll take you there. Until then, you’ll just have to stay strong. Or burgle somepony.”

“I’ll see you then.”

It was a typical dining room. Tiles, a table, a couple windows, not much else. At the table was a cornflower stallion, with a tail of a much deeper blue and no mane, having a stew of vegetables in Equestria Spring, with a bottle of Equestria Spring for a drink. When he noticed Twilight looking through one of the windows, it was a bit of shock. Not as much as it would have been in the rest of the world, world-saviours being a regular sight in Sparkstown, but the “looking through a window” part was still very unexpected. He wasn’t just going to ignore Twilight, so he got up and opened the window.

“I hate to be rude to the specialest pony in existence, but what are you doing in my side garden?”

“Give me all your Equestria Spring or I’m going to kill you.”

“How would you know I have more than what you’re seeing right now?”

“I’m Twilight. That’s all the explanation you should need.” She had no idea. “Now lead me to the stores.”

“I don’t have any more.”

She teleported inside. “Lying to me isn’t a good idea.”

The victim turned around to face her again. “What’s right here is all I have,” he claimed before Twilight’s horn began to glow. “Okay, okay, come with me.”

They went through to the kitchen and he opened the refrigerator. Inside was a cardboard case for twenty-four bottles, eighteen of which remained. Without a word, Twilight took the case and teleported away.

At the stroke of six, Twilight came back to the Big Stopmart and waited by the entrance for the pony to appear, which she quickly did.

“You did come back.”

“I just decided to steal some, but I said I would be here.”

“Well, I’m glad you are. Come on.”

The mare was an earth pony with a light brown coat and normal brown mane, with brown eyes and a cutie mark of a brown mug of coffee with a chocolate biscuit dunked in it halfway. Her mane was straight and simple, only styled at all because a tangled mane was uncomfortable and not socially acceptable, essentially the Twilight look but a bit shorter. The non-famous pony led her out and the conversation began.

“So will I just give you some bottles and then you leave?”

“I’d be happy to stay for a bit if you want. What could be better than drinking Equestria Spring with another pony?”

“I’d be very happy to have you. I see you so often, and I’ve always wanted... well, I’ve always found you to be best pony, I’ll leave it at that.”

“Sex isn’t on the cards.”

“Hey, I never said that. I just said you’re my favourite. I didn’t mean it to sound sexual.”

Despite awkward looks from them both, that was all they said to each other before they entered her house.

“So this is—”

“Yeah, yeah, where’s the stuff?”

“You don’t want to—”

“I can’t be here all day.”

“Wow, you do need some Equestria Spring in you. Come on.”

The brown pony led Twilight to the kitchen, a task she found necessary despite it being visible from the entrance. The refrigerator had one shelf dedicated to Equestria Spring bottles, arranged in a neat hexagonal pattern, with another holding only a couple dozen bottles of Spring Energy Lime, or seLime as it was called on the labels, an energy drink made by the same company.

“Wow...” Twilight said. “Didn’t think you meant this....”

“Take one.” They both took a bottle and had a seat at the table. “So I guess there’s no need for you to introduce yourself....”

“I guess. But you go ahead.”

“Okay, well... you don’t even know my name, do you? I’m Durum Malt, I’m called that because... well, because both my parents were farmers, basically.”

“So your cutie mark is already multiple foods, and now that’s your name. Which one is your special talent about?”

“I’m supposed to be a barista. But I’m not. Besides what you already saw, I’m also occasionally a quantity surveyor.”

“That’s a bit random.”

“You got a problem with quantity surveyors?”

“No, I just don’t see how the skill sets....”

“It doesn’t have to do with anything, it’s just another thing I happen to be competent at. I thought you were supposed to be smart.”

“I was just surprised. So did you just find out about Equestria Spring like I did?”

“Well, we’ve sold it for as long as I’ve been there, but I never had it myself until they did their thing.”

“Ah. Well, as annoyed as I was, I can’t really blame you for what you did.”

“I’m glad you understand. Hey, can I ask you a bunch of questions because I’m actually meeting Twilight right now, I can’t believe it, how have I been so casual this whole time, oh Celestia, Luna, and all other high-level royalty of Equestria, and she’s right there, I mean you’re right there—”

“Yes, you can. And you have seen me before, you know....”

“Yeah, literally seen you. Not met you. That doesn’t just make everything worse.”

“Well, I’m finally with you, so that should make everything better.”

“I don’t know. Either way, you’re here now. So my first question is...”

Rainbow Dash came into Twilight’s bedroom, expecting to see Twilight reading on a bed. Instead, she saw Spike doing nothing on a bed.

“Hi—”

“Where’s Twilight?”

“I don’t know, she was supposed to be here hours ago. But that happens.”

“Who will I fuck now?”

“Anypony? Most ponies want to have sex with you.”

“I can’t just take a random pony off the street. Something that big has to be earned, not given to whatever pony happens to be walking by.”

“So what do you wanna do, host your own version of The Master?”

“Nah. I think I’ll just lie down somewhere and complain.”

“Not even clop?”

“I’ve never actually clopped.”

“Huh, really? Just sort of assumed you had.”

“I think that’s it. That’s all I wanted to know.”

Twilight didn’t look at the clock until a few questions in, but it had been at least two hours. It was probably the Equestria Spring, but she had found all her questions unusually bearable. Whatever the reason, she didn’t bolt away now that she had the opportunity.

“Hey, um... Malt?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m kind of hungry.”

“Really? That’s fan—I mean, yeah, I’ll make something. Maybe Pilomian biryani, but with Alicante wedges instead of cherry tomatoes and with broccoli like they do in—”

“Did you torture Spike or something? How do you know about—”

“Does there need to be a reason?”

“I mean, the reason is you’re a stalker, but I don’t understand how you found that out.”

“Did you hear the hours of things I asked you? I know you did, because you answered them. If I’m a stalker, I’m pretty bad at it.”

“You’re acting like it’s some bit of trivia you can just pick up.”

“It is. Once you tell one pony, it can get on the Internet.”

“I know... anyway, you can make that if you’re so excited.”

“All right, I will.”

Durum Malt slaved over the dish like Twilight’s opinion of it was going to determine her entire self-worth for the next month, because it was. As she finally presented it, she was obviously very nervous, praying that it just wouldn’t suck. Twilight took a few bites, then set the fork down, and that was her cue.

“So how is it?”

“It’s good. You didn’t screw anything up, calm down.”

“Are you just saying that so I don’t get depressed?”

“Would I do something like that?”

“No. I know.” She got herself her own plate. “Now I kind of wish I hadn’t asked you everything I ever wanted to know....”

“Well, there must be subjects you care about besides my opinions.”

“Um... I like television dramas. And reviewing tea biscuits.”

“You know, I’ve been looking for a good tea biscuit reviewer and I just can’t find anypony. Like, I know describing tastes can be hard, but you think there’d be somepony out there, especially when they make it their thing.”

“Well, try Flow48 on TdV. I go on about balance and flavours forever like I’m not eating something with two ingredients.”

“Hey, I like that sort of thing.”

“I... wait... are you offended?”

“No. I meant that ‘hey’ in a reassuring way.”

“Oh, okay.”

They went over a couple other subjects, Twilight seeming very mildly interested in this pony, finding talking to her being better than just sitting there, and this pony seeming very interested in Twilight, probably not realising how intense her eyes looked. But eventually it was late and Twilight was getting kind of bored.

“Well, if that’s that, I should get going.”

“What? You couldn’t at least warn me?”

“I didn’t know when it was going to happen. I enjoyed talking with you.”

“You can’t leave. This was supposed to end in us having sex. Did you really think I didn’t want to fuck you?”

“No, but I really should go. And I don’t want to fuck you.”

She sighed. “Well, that’s fine. I mean, I like you, of course, but it isn’t like I’m dependent on you in some deep emotional way. I’ll be fine, I’m not crazy. I might’ve made myself seem that way, so... just don’t worry about me, that’s all I’m trying to say.”

“Are you going to cry the instant I shut the front door?”

“No. Why would I cry? This has been the best day of my life.”

“Okay. See you the next time I need some Equestria Spring.”

“Yep, see you tomorrow.”

Durum Malt watched as Twilight got up, walked out of the room, walked out of the house, and shut the front door. She lasted two or three seconds before beginning to cry.

Chapter 74: Withstander

“About an hour ago,” Pinkie Pie said, “Twelve Equestrians set off on the adventure of a lifetime, at least from the point of view of the ones who haven’t saved the world. The boat should be here any minute now. Anyway, you know how it works, survival skills, social skills, don’t tell me you haven’t seen some version of this before. Twenty-seven days, twelve plane crash survivors, one actual survivor!”

“And there’s the boat in the distance, taking our Celebrity Withstander castaways to here, Raven Island, which was pure, untouched nature until we decided to film a reality show on it. The Wushu tribe, who are supposed to always wear blue, consists of Apple Bloom, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Twilight. The Kabaddi tribe, who are supposed to always wear green, consists of Applejack, Big Mac, Butterscotch, camerapony #3, Lyra, and Octavia. In five minutes, they’ll have five minutes to take whatever they can from the boat to help them survive. Knives, extra food, survival manuals, who knows. Also, they can’t use levitation, because come on, that wouldn’t be fair.”

After frantically pushing some things off the boat, the teams swam out to shore.

“I’d like to give you a belated welcome to Withstander,” Pinkie Pie said. “So I will. Welcome to Withstander. What did you get off the boat?”

“We couldn’t bring anything because we have hooves,” Lyra said.

“I see. Twilight, Lyra, each of you take one of these maps I’ve had in front of me the whole time.” They did. “You’ll navigate to your canoes, then navigate to your islands, where you’ll find a cast iron pot, cast iron canteens, a cast iron machete, and a cast iron container of rice that should last you twelve days if you’re smart about it. Everything else you’ll have to find. Now go.”

WUSHU – Day 1

The six cheered as they made it to the beach with their flag and got off.

“We’re actually here!” Apple Bloom said.

“What now?” Twilight said.

“We should just relax,” Rainbow Dash said immediately before it started raining. “Okay, fine, we’ll make a shelter.”

As the rain gradually got heavier, everyone did their bit. The unicorns had levitation, Apple Bloom had what she had learned from Applejack, Rainbow Dash had pseudo-bipedalism and the stamina of an athlete, and Scootaloo wasn’t sure whether she had even signed up for something. Everyone had the knowledge or genetics to break sticks, and Twilight and Rarity had the knowledge required to arrange them without falling over. It was problem-free to the point of being boring, and they reasonably shortly had their triangular tube of wood set up.

“Okay, so about the names for the building,” Twilight said. “So far, the proposals are Wushu Tribe Wooden Open Triangular Prism, The Place, and Wushelter. As somepony who proposed one third of all of those I just listed, I can confidently say that they all suck.”

“It doesn’t need a name,” Rainbow said. “We’ll just call it the shelter.”

“All in favour of not naming it?”

Rainbow and Rarity raised their hooves.

“I have a compromise proposal,” Scootaloo said. “It’ll have a name, but the name will literally be The Shelter.”

“All in favour?” Everyone except Twilight raised a hoof. “Then it’s settled.”

KABADDI – Day 1

“Well, Ah guess we know what the first thing to do is,” Applejack said.

Applejack and Big Mac were Apples and Lyra was a unicorn, but everyone else had a bit more trouble. With only half the power, it took twice as long, with the same ultimate result but wetter and more fatigued.

“Does it need a name?” Applejack said as they all lied under their slightly leaky roof.

“So maybe you don’t like Kabaddi Kave,” Lyra said, “But that’s no reason to reject names in general.”

WUSHU – Day 2

“All for naming this island Dash Island, raise your hoof,” Rainbow said. She and Scootaloo were the supporters.

“Does this place really need a name?” Twilight said.

“Of course not. But why does it need to be unnamed?”

“I don’t know. Why would this be a big issue to me?”

Rarity looked at the pile of sticks with a ring of rocks around it. “Who’s going to make the fire, and then make the rice? You can make fire, can’t you, Twilight?”

“Yeah, but it’s just a little campfire. I know how to make fires too big, but....”

Scootaloo sighed dramatically, went off to the trees, and came back with a couple sticks in her mouth as everyone just watched her. She sat down, took one in each forehoof, struck one across the other like it was a match, lighting it, and dipped it in.

“Isn’t this meant to take hours of effort?” Rarity said.

“Sure,” Scootaloo said, “If you’re from civilisation.”

“You are.”

“You know what I mean.”

KABADDI – Day 2

“All for naming this island Big Mac Island, raise your hoof,” Butterscotch said. She was the only supporter, including Big Mac. “Fine. I’ll tolerate your taste in island names.”

Applejack came back from the forest. “We got mail. It says... er... Ah’m not sure....” Big Mac came over, took a look, and turned the scroll upside-down. “Oh. Get ready for combat, because that’s what the challenge is about. If you lose it, you maht be the first one out.”

BEACH OF DESTINY

“Welcome,” Pinkie Pie said. “Either of you have luck with fire?”

After Wushu stopped cheering, Applejack spoke. “We rubbed sticks together for hours, but nothin’ ever happened.”

“Well, if you win today’s challenge, you won’t need primitive methods like sticks. Win this one, you get a box of matches, and more importantly, you get invulnerability. The challenge is simple: last one conscious in the arena wins it for their team. I’ll give you a minute to strategise, then we’ll get started.”

The contestants stood in various places inside a rectangle of rocks, staring each other down like they were actually strangers and not acquaintances, friends, or lovers.

“Withstanders ready? ...Go!”

Twilight started to charge up a spell, but Applejack tackled her. After a shot of him flying through the air in a stereotypical karate pose, Big Mac landed and punched Rarity unconscious. Sweetie Belle and Lyra tried to strangle each other, Lyra coming out victorious. Camerapony #3 took on Scootaloo, one kick knocking her out, and Butterscotch fainted from being brushed by Big Mac.

As Applejack kept Twilight down, Rainbow sucker punched her from the air, then Big Mac got on top of Twilight. As Rainbow went straight for Lyra’s face, Lyra sidestepped, then caught Rainbow’s hindleg with both legs, bringing them both down. As Rainbow tried to escape, Octavia and camerapony #3 came to punch her until she lost consciousness. Twilight similarly went down after many punches from Big Mac. With only Apple Bloom left, the rest charged her and piled on, quickly asphyxiating her.

“Kabaddi!”

The conscious winners got up, cheered, and hugged each other. Pinkie came to them with the idol, a coconut with the word “idle” painted on it, and Lyra took it.

WUSHU – Night 2

“I can’t believe we lost,” Twilight said. “We were the ones with food.”

“And with Twilight,” Rainbow said. “Not that that was much help.”

“Nopony was much help, honestly. We just sucked.”

KABADDI – Night 2

“Let’s get this fire on!” Lyra said.

“We beat Twahlaht in a faht!” Applejack said.

“Isn’t this a great day?”

“It really is.” Lyra started a fire. “We can eat, we can not talk about voting....”

“Meanwhile, they have to do both.”

“Losers.”

WUSHU – Day 3

“We were the only two who did anything in that challenge,” Twilight said as she gathered Eastern staple foods with Rainbow. “So who will it be?”

“Well, Scootaloo’s the only reason we’re eating at the moment, so not her. And Rarity helped to design the shelter. I mean, she had ideas even you didn’t. Plus she built the whole thing.”

“Well, that still leaves two, obviously.”

“So who’ll be better with challenges? They won’t all be like that one. Who’s stronger, faster, smarter, better?”

“Now that I have an opinion on.”

“All right, then, whom are we to vote off?” Apple Bloom said.

“I don’t know,” Sweetie Belle said. “Rainbow Dash was the only one who did anything in the challenge, so not her. And not Scootaloo, because apparently only she can make fire. And not either of us.”

“So Twahlaht versus Rarity. Ah think we both know who’s better for this tahpe ah situation....”

COUNCIL BEACH

“So welcome to your first Tribal Council,” Pinkie said. “You’re not irredeemable failures yet, but you’re on your way. So Twilight, what the hell happened?”

“They have Applejack on their team and we have three foals, that’s what happened.”

“I see. Rainbow, how will you vote tonight?”

“A lot of ponies screwed up in the challenge, so it’s more about who’s useful around camp.”

“Rarity, what’s been the worst part of the whole experience so far? Starvation? Isolation from friends? Okay, that one doesn’t apply for you, but you get my point.”

“For me, it’s the hygiene. Or lack thereof. All I want is soap.”

“Right, it’s time to vote. Here’s how voting works. You’ll walk up the Path of Judgment to the voting confessional, which is like a regular confessional you’re used to doing but more meaningful because you’re voting for somepony. You’ll write the name of the pony you want to vote off in large, clear letters, a regulation which by the way we aren’t planning to enforce, show it to the camera, and explain why your vote is the pony it is. Then fold it up, put it in the container, and come back. I’m making it sound harder than it is, it’s just writing somepony’s name on a piece of paper. Trust me, you’ll be fine. In a few seasons’ time, we’re not even going to do this speech anymore. Twilight, you’re up first.”

“Sorry,” Rarity said, showing her vote for Apple Bloom, “But there’s nothing you can do that other ponies around here can’t.”

Apple Bloom showed her vote for Rarity. “You couldn’t do anything in the challenge, everythin’ you do around camp we have Twahlaht for, and you didn’t decahde to be part of mah allahance.”

“I’ll tally the votes,” Pinkie said. She went and retrieved the container. “Once the votes are read, you can’t change your mind because you got caught off guard in Withstander. The pony voted out has to leave without spilling a bunch of secrets. I’ll read the votes.

“First vote: Rarity.”

Rarity tilted her head forward slightly.

“Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie Belle nodded nervously.

“Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie Belle’s expression became even more nervous, the possibility now genuinely sinking in.

“Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom blinked a couple of times, but she stayed only as tense as all the others.

“Rarity.”

Rarity’s expression stayed as apprehensive as the other two still eligible.

“First pony voted out of the tribe: Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie Belle got off her seat and went to Pinkie Pie.

“Sweetie Belle, everypony hates you.”

“Bye, ponies.”

“It’s time for you to go.”

Sweetie Belle walked away, not going the way she came.

“Well, you had a chance to vote off Rarity—I don’t mean in a Withstander context, just the general concept of voting off Rarity—and you didn’t do it. You can head back to camp.”

“You know what?” Sweetie Belle said. “All the ponies who voted for me can get BI-SWILS for all I care. Rarity is a useless fuckwad who only takes up food. I may be that too, but at least I only take up foal portions. Enjoy being stranded on an island with Rarity for another three days, ‘cause you chose it.”

Chapter 75: The Same Problem as Always

Octavia was lying on her bed, which was also Lyra’s bed being the only one in the house, and reading a book. It was all going fine until Lyra came in. “Hi, Lyra,” she said. But instead of giving a response, Lyra continued to march forward, get on the bed, and force her girlfriend into a kiss that lasted about two distressed attempts to push her away before she stopped it on her own.

“You aren’t doing anything,” Lyra said.

“I didn’t want it. I only let you do it because of the legal obligation.”

“I’m not letting you go until you put something into it.”

“Haven’t you fulfilled it already?”

“Yeah, but doing the minimum required of us is one thing and actually doing enough that they renew us is another. They’ve made it very clear to me that I need to do more. Or we could do something else that young adults like, but unfortunately, you’re Octavia.”

“I really am beginning to think this was a mistake....”

“I know you don’t like it, but it’s the only way.”

“I just don’t know if it’s worth it.”

“Come on, it’s like thirty seconds a week if you cooperate. Is that just too much for you?”

“The only reason I’m doing it is the money, so... I don’t really want—”

“Well, hey, Miss Upper Class See Celestia Every Month Dream Job at Sixteen, that’s what most ponies have to deal with for a third of their waking lives. And what do you have to do? Kiss your girlfriend every week. I just can’t imagine what that’s like.”

“Most ponies’ jobs don’t involve sexual assault....”

“It isn’t even a minute. You’re so spoilt. And do you really hate it as much as you’re making it sound?”

“No, but—”

“See? You just can’t handle anything. I’d like to see you pick strawberries for hours every day for years on end and tell me how bad this all is.”

“I never said worse things don’t exist.”

“Yeah, but the worse things are what most ponies do. So let me kiss you so we can have more money and the glory of being on Equestria’s greatest programme. And look like you care.”

Octavia nodded and let her do it. She wanted to grit her teeth through it, but she wasn’t allowed to.

Spike and Twilight were having lunch, a salad so complex it defied description.

“It’s, like, five ingredients,” said camerapony #5. “You’re just lazy.”

“Who’s the transcription expert here? Do your job.”

“Twilight?” Spike said. “Why is your horn glowing?”

“I’m clopping.”

“Um... really?”

“I’m really fucking horny, okay? You can look under the table if you want.”

“You could just go away.”

“To clop? My problem isn’t that bad.”

“You just clop a lot. You didn’t even have a problem until right now. Also, it is.”

“Well, I’m going to be just fine.”

“It’s kind of weird just seeing your horn and knowing....”

“You’re thinking it every time I take a shower, don’t act like it’s something new.”

“Yeah, but I can see it.”

“Fine. I’ll be right back.”

If there was anything bad about the relationship Applejack formed with Rainbow Dash, it was how often it made her want to have sex with a mare when none were available. But much like her partner, rather than take advantage of her celebrity status or clop, Applejack always opted to rub her hooves against something and be frustrated. In this case, the object was a pillow, although she had gone beyond what she normally did and into cuddling the chosen object, trying to pretend it was her. This included lying on a bed with it, petting it, and talking to it, which eventually drove Big Mac to open her door without even knocking first.

“What are you doing?”

She turned her head to face him, keeping the pillow in the same place. “It’s just been a whahle without Rainbow.”

“You haven’t done this before....”

“Thanks, Ah know. Just let me crah an’ such, okay? Ah don’t want other ponies in here who aren’t her raht now.”

Big Mac took the risk-averse strategy, closing the door and getting back to his own day.

Apple Bloom was bored out of her mind at school.

Having won the previous two rounds, Rainbow Dash was off to Chevik for the first of two races at the only course in the eastern half of the country approved for international events, although much like Canterlot’s it had two major layouts. But the race was a week in the future, and what she was actually being driven to was a day of lying to ponies about how much she liked both Equestria Spring and whichever pony she was talking to.

“You know, this stuff is only going to get worse as you move up,” the driver said, seriously thinking it would motivate her to be less mopey.

“I know...” said the world-saviour in the passenger seat. “I’m just not used to it yet, okay? Nopony wanted me for stuff like this when I sucked.”

“You seem in a worse mood than you were last time.”

“Yeah, ‘cause now I know what it’s gonna be like. Before I thought hey, just maybe it’ll be fun. But now I know how boring it’ll be.”

“That should be a good thing. You know what to expect, so there’s less to worry about.”

“You’re not making it sound less boring.”

“That should be a good thing.”

Chapter 64: Vinyl Dies

“Records have been obsolete since forever,” Twilight said.

Chapter 64: Vinyl Scratch Dies

“Wasn’t it supposed to be 66 where somepony died?” Twilight said. What she clearly failed to understand was that this was a completely separate thing from the upcoming series finale where someone dies.

“Vinyl Scratch is going to die?” Lyra said. “But I’ve known her for years! That should make it less likely for her to die!”

“I hate her,” Octavia said, “But I don’t want her to die.”

“I know she made me into her mindless slave,” Rainbow said, “But I still like her.”

“Ah dunno much about ‘er, but it’s a pony dahin’ so Ah’ll prolly feel generically sad for a few seconds,” said Apple Bloom.

“Ah’m sad about it too,” Applejack felt like she had to say something.

“Where are we?” Lyra said.

Meanwhile at Club of the Night, it was night. Vinyl Scratch was doing her DJing thing like she does, never getting any sort of dizziness, headache, or neck pain from bobbing her head for four hours straight.

“Hey,” Vinyl said to someone or other, “Over here.”

Over there came another DJ employed by Club of the Night, Shellac Scratch.

“I’m not feeling so good—” Vinyl said.

“Well.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes. “I think I need to leave for tonight. Can you take over fine?”

Shellac Scratch nodded.

“Great.”

Vinyl walked illly to her decidedly middle-class house in her eerily average neighbourhood. Not as in she was actually in her house yet, as in she had made it to the appropriate street. She was muttering things to herself, but it was too quiet to hear on camera.

“Hi, Sc—” she was going to say hi to Scootaloo as she went by her corner, but she was asleep. She continued on to her house, making it there without, I don’t know, getting raped or something. Even if someone tried to rape her, Vinyl’s probably a badass and stuff.

Vinyl Scratch came inside her house to a figurative army of cameraponies and maybe a couple soundponies if that would make sense.

“...What are all you ponies doing here?”

“It’s that reality show,” camerapony #1 said. “Check out the chapter title.”

Vinyl looked up at the chapter title for a moment. “Huh. That’s weird.” She suddenly looked up at it again. “Wait, what?!”

“Yeah,” camerapony #1 said, “You’re going to die. Before midnight.”

“What?! But I can’t... I’m... wait, how do we know that? The chapter titles have been wrong before, right?”

“Usually, they’re not. I think usually. The point is, you’re probably going to die, so if you want to go on a ninety minutes to live rampage or something....”

“No, I’m not that kind of pony. I’d rather go on a ninety minutes to live apologising to everypony I ever knew... thing.”

“But you’re Vinyl Scratch. You’re unfancy and evil, so you can’t do that. And besides, the logistics of a rampage are so much easier.”

“Fine. I don’t know what ponies I’m within ninety minutes of anyway.”

“So you’re going on entertaining rampage times?”

“Yep, starting with you,” Vinyl said immediately before quickly, cleanly, and other graceful adverbs performing a knockout neck... um... what N synonyms does snap have? Anyway, she did that with her telekinesis on camerapony #1.

“Wait!” camerapony #4 said, running up to Vinyl. “Camerapony #1’s crazy, you’re not gonna die!”

“How do you know?”

“Because the chapter’s about to end!”

Vinyl did the same thing to camerapony #4 as she did to camerapony #1, then the chapter ended from lack of recorders.

Chapter 66: Someone Will Die Tonight

“You know, Spike,” Twilight said at some room of her treehouse. I don’t know, they all look the same to me. Oh, she was writing stuff and couldn’t see Spike, which is important. “I think Octavia’s house is going to get described someday.”

“Y’think so?”

Twilight thought for a moment before responding. Spike’s voice sounded a little more... feminine than usual. “Yeah. And soon. Early within the next series.”

“Ah wouldn’t count on it.”

“Spike? That doesn’t sound like you.” She looked behind her. “Dammit, Apple Bloom! The Gehenna is your problem with us?”

“Ah don’ve any problems with ya.”

“Why do you keep trying to imponiate us?”

“4 +3/-/ |_|_||2.”

“Well, could you stop it? It’s annoying.”

“No.”

“Can’t you annoy somepony nopony likes like Pinkie Pie?”

“Y’mean Rarity?”

“Nopony cares about Rarity. Nopony likes Pinkie.”

“Ah think that might just be you.”

“Just me? Pinkie is so fucking annoying.”

“Ah ain’ interested in your bashin’.”

“Fine....”

There was going to be silence, but Spike came into the room.

“Hey, Twilight. Hey, A—” Spike cut himself off. “What’s Apple Bloom doing here?”

“She was trying to imponiate you,” Twilight said.

“Oh. Why does she do that?”

“I didn’t understand what she said. It was the number four, then a plus sign and... here, just look at the transcript.” She stole a laptop for a moment and showed it to Spike.

“Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“That says ‘for teh lulz’.”

“Oh. It’s in some weird foreign language....

“It’s just 1337(5|>34|<). I thought you knew it.”

“No.”

“So who’s dahin’?” Apple Bloom said as if somepony would know the answer.

“I don’t know,” Twilight said. “One of us, obviously, but....”

“Hey, Apple Bloom?” Spike said. “Could you come over here?”

“You come over here, ya lazy dragon.”

“You come over here, you lazy pony.”

“If you need me near ya so bad, you come over here.”

“Fine.” Spike walked the two metres to Apple Bloom.

“Now that you’re here, what did you want ta tell me?”

Spike took Apple Bloom by the neck.

“RAPE!” Apple Bloom said. She uppercut Spike.

“Ow!” Spike said, dramatically lying on the floor. “I wasn’t going to rape you!”

“Then what were ya plannin’?”

“It would’ve made sense if you let me finish, but then you called me a rapist and punched me.”

“Spahke?”

“Yeah?”

“Ah’d like ta talk to ya in private.”

“Can’t we just speak 1337? Then we don’t have to move.”

“‘|<4`/.”

“$0 uu|-|47 |)1|) |_| /\/3€|> 2 +£|_1 ^^3 ‘1/\ |>2|\//-\73’?”

“/\07/-/1n’, 4|-| _|\/57 \/\/4/\/+3₫ 2 ä/\/\0`/ 7\/va-\1^|-|7.”

“|<3vv1.”

“We have concluded our discussion,” Apple Bloom told Twilight.

“What would you want to hide from me?”

“Just working out the whole thing with the rape,” Spike said.

“That only took four lines?”

“Well, Ah’m sorry we were able ta work it out so quick,” Apple Bloom said. Twilight bit her lower lip, trying not to correct her grammar.

“I’m going to get the transcript translated for myself later,” Twilight said.

“‘Kay.”

“So... nopony’s died yet?” Spike said.

“None of us seem close to dying,” Twilight said.

“Then who dies?”

“Maybe one ah the cameraponies?” Apple Bloom said.

Over in a different room, Owlyiches choked on a bone.

Promotional consideration provided by Amicable’s and CAEB. ™ 2014. Right to life reserved.

Chapter 95: The Loop

THE LEGAL AGREEMENTS SET OUT BELOW GOVERN YOUR USE OF THIS FANFIC. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THESE TERMS, DO NOT READ THE FANFIC. For the purposes of convenience, “he” is used as a gender-neutral pronoun throughout these terms.

BY READING THIS FANFICTIONAL WORK, YOU (THE “READER”) CAN’T SUE US AND YOUR GIFT CARDS CAN’T BE TRADED FOR MONEY BECAUSE THAT WOULD RUIN THE ENTIRE POINT OF GIFT CARDS. The content of the fanfictional work is for your private use only barring material explicitly marked otherwise. I SUCK AT TITLES, SUMMARY BETTER is a trademark of Programme Productions GmbH. All rights reserved.

“First!” Spike said, raising his arms in triumph.

“Look, the chapter ended,” Twilight said.

“Everypony seems fahne,” Apple Bloom said.

Silence.

“I should check on Owlyiches,” Twilight said.

“‘Kay, Ah should be headin’ back to the housebarn.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bah.”

And so Apple Bloom left for Sweet Apple Acres. Twilight headed for Owlyiches’ cage, Spike deciding to follow her because he felt like he should. Admit it, you’ve done it.

“Owlyiches?” Twilight said, looking into the cage, her face practically pressed up against its bars, because that’s how pet owners act. “She must be sleeping.”

Spike climbed on top of a surprisingly inflexible cardboard box to get a better view of the cage.

“Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“She doesn’t look like she’s breathing.”

“I’m going to see if she’ll wake up.”

Silence.

“Yeah?” Spike said. “I’m waiting.”

“WAKE UP, BITCH, I NEED TO BE SURE YOU’RE NOT DEAD!” Twilight whispered.

Owlyiches provided no confirmation of life.

“Well, I guess we’re going to Zecora,” Twilight said. “Actually, Spike, you should say here. I’ll go to Zecora.”

“I’m not tough enough to handle the arduous journey you never run into trouble in?”

“There’s no reason for me to take the risk.”

“You think I’m a wimp.”

And so Twilight went to Zecora, somehow surviving despite having her cockatrice corpse on y the entire time.

“Who is it?” Zecora said.

“You’re supposed to say ‘who’s there’,” Twilight said.

“Just come in.”

Twilight came in.

“So what did you come here for, Twilight?”

“...”

“On this extremely cloudy excuse for a night?”

Twilight hooved her Owlyiches.

“I’ll do a bit of work offscreen. A clock wipe would be very keen.”

There was a diagonal wipe to Zecora hooving Owlyiches to Twilight.

“So?” said Twilight.

“I don’t know how to tell you this....”

“Talking?”

“Oh, good idea. She’s dead.”

“What?! But she can’t be dead. How could she be dead?”

“She either choked on something or spontaneously combusted whilst trying to make a motorcycle jump over thirty Canterlot buses.”

“But I loved her. That should’ve removed any chance of death.”

“I know it’s hard to accept, but there’s nothing we can do now. If I were you, I would go around and start telling everypony.”

“Okay.” Twilight sniffled, as she had a bit of a cold. “Thank you.”

Twilight depressedly walked back in the rain that had just started to the treehouse to tell Spike the terrible news, and maybe the others of the mane six, but later because it was raining and she didn’t feel like it. Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Spike said.

“Twilight.”

“Twilight who?”

“Twilight.”

“Twilight who?”

“It’s raining, Spike.”

Spike opened the door which, by the way, was unlocked and Twilight came in. The door was probably closed by somebody at some point, but accounts are contradictory as to when this actually happened.

“How’d it go?” Spike said, mistaking the tears on Twilight’s face for rain.

“Well... look, Spike, don’t take this badly. There’s nothing we can—”

“She’s dead?”

Twilight nodded. Spike had never liked Owlyiches, but he had to seem like he always did now.

“But how can she be dead? We loved her!”

“Zecora said she choked on something.”

“Zecora choked on something?!”

“No, Owlyiches.”

“Oh. But we loved her!”

“I know. I’m seriously considering becoming a Hollywood atheist.”

“But you’re already an atheist.”

“Oh yeah.”

“So back on topic, Owlicious is dead and we’re sad about it.”

“I should tell the others sometime, but not right now... when the weather gets better, maybe.”

Spike decided he seemed insufficiently sad and made fake tears.

“Oh, don’t worry, Spike.” If you thought the “hugs” were barely hugs before, you should see this one. “It’ll be okay.”

Spike dishonestly sniffled. “But she was so... she was such a....”

“I know what you’re trying to say, Spike. It’ll be okay.”

They were sad, but nothing really actually happened for the remaining hours of the day.

Chapter 97: The Wake of Owlyiches

Pinkie Pie came over to Twilight’s (tree)house, being brought there by Applejack as if she didn’t know where her house was, she was a small foal, cellphones didn’t exist, and/or Pinkie and Applejack hadn’t spent enough time together. The door was quickly answered by Spike, who was wearing sunglasses and holding a clipboard.

“Hi,” Applejack said, “Ah brought Pinkie.”

Pinkie hooved a ticket to Spike, who tore it and handed her the stub back. She went in.

“Can Ah come in?” Applejack said.

Spike ran his finger partway down the clipboard. “You’re not on the list.”

“Twahlaht?” Applejack said. Spike slammed the door.

“Welcome—” Twilight said before being interrupted by Pinkie giggling.

“What’s so funny?”

“Come.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Welcome to the futu... wait, that’s a different speech. Um, here. I need you to help me plan the party. I mean wake. Force of habit.”

“Oh,” Pinkie said since she magically knew about what happened, and by magically, I mean Facebookally. “Yeah, I can help you with that.”

“Great.”

“I walked all the way over here and now you don’t want my help?!”

“That was a normal ‘great’.”

“Oh. Okay, I’ll help you, then.”

There was a montage of Twilight and Pinkie setting up wake stuff with occasional ten-second cuts to Spike eating Jujyfruits.

Pinkie drilled the last screw into the last table. “Welperschaftens, it’s done.”

“Remind me why we decided to make a table ourselves from planks?” Twilight said.

“Because it’s cheaper if you make it from planks yourself than just buying one premade.”

“I’m going to call everypony over.”

“Okay. I’m going to put things on the tables we set up.”

And so Twilight called everyone as Pinkie set some food up. Meanwhile, Spike ate a box of Jujyfruits, as in having eaten the Jujyfruits, he tore the box apart and ate the cardboard.

The front door was knocked. Twilight, being the one doing nothing, answered the door.

“Hi, Rainbow!”

“Um, Rainbow? Why did you just say ‘Hi, Rainbow’?”

“Why are you acting like I’m you?”

“What are you talking about? You’re the one who’s acting weird.”

“I’m the one who’s acting weird?”

“That’s my opinion.”

“Pinkie? Aren’t you supposed to be setting tables up?”

“Anyway, ignoring Pinkie Pie, can I come in now?”

“Sure.”

The other guests, the rest of the mane six and the rest of the mane six, proceeded to arrive in much less interesting fashions.

“So this is the part where the chapter turns to a conversation between us, right?” Applejack said.

“Actually, it says—wait, look at this.” Rainbow hooved the programme to Applejack.

“Settin’ up the wake, your scene co—what’s after that there?”

“Exactly.”

“But... whah’d they give Rarity a part of all ponies?”

“Exactly!”

“Is that right?”

“It must be, I mean....”

“Yeah, but that’s so weird....”

Rarity walked up to Rainbow.

“Rainbow Dash?” Rarity said.

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to ask you a question.”

“Is this about Applejack and me always hanging around together at parties?”

“Nice pronoun case, and no.”

“I don’t love you back, sorry.”

“It isn’t that.”

“Well, considering how much you seem to wanna spend time with me....”

“If you’re going to be like this, I won’t even talk with you. I’m going to see Octavia whilst she’s not occupied with Lyra....”

“You do that.”

And so Rarity went away.

“So what’s after that?” Applejack said.

“It looks like... it actually follows Rarity.”

“wat.”

“Yeah.”

Rarity made it to Octavia without incident. Which is good, I guess. Sigh.

“Octavia?”

“Huh?” Octavia looked to her left. “Oh. Hello, Rarity.”

“Hello. I’ve been meaning to talk with you.”

“About?”

Rarity realised that she didn’t have a topic to talk about. “...You know, it’s funny, I never actually thought of anything to talk with you about... I just thought it’d be nice to be with somepony who’s a little like myself.”

“‘Be with’? I already have a girlfriend.”

“No, in the platonic sense.”

“Oh. Sorry, I get a little crazy sometimes.”

“It’s fine. Anyway, I just wanted to be in the company of somepony I could... well, I don’t want to say tolerate, since my friends are my friends and I like them, but....”

“I know what you mean.”

“I wish I had anything worth telling you.” Octavia didn’t know what to say to this. “Should Lyra be back any time soon?”

“Any minute now, she’s just in the lavatree.”

The word “lavatree” gave her an idea for something to say. “I could probably beat you in one of the fanciness contests they hold at Tripling-Off Arena every so often.”

“You think so?” This wasn’t an offended “You think so?”, more of a smug, amused “Y’think so?”.

“I do, in fact.”

“Hello, Lyra.”

“Hello, Octavia,” Lyra said. “Hello, Rarity,” she said after realising Rarity was there.

“I challenged Octavia to a fanciness contest and she hasn’t confirmed or denied acceptance yet,” Rarity said.

“I could beat you,” Octavia said.

“So do you accept?”

“I have no commitments, so why not.”

“Excellent. We will begin at high noon tomorrow.”

“That works for me.”

Chapter 98: Fanciness Contest

It was an ordinary morning at Rarity’s house. Except it wasn’t, as due to the contest she was nervously trying to make herself look as pulchritudinous as possible. Okay, so maybe it was an ordinary morning at Rarity’s house. But the point is that this time, someone would actually be judging—literally judging—her appearance instead of it just being all in her head.

Meanwhile at Residence Octavia, Octavia was doing absolutely nothing to prepare.

“Aren’t you going to do something?” Lyra said.

“It’s not as if there’s a prize for winning.”

“Honour? Pride? Lack of lack of dignity?”

“I like honour as much as any other pony, but none of those things actually do anything to my life if I don’t have them.”

“Ugh. Octavia, you can be so... um... hardheaded? That sounds like an insult, but it’s a good thing. I hate that word. It’s so misleading, you know?”

“I’m afraid it’s just you.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready,” Rarity said in her celebrity-style makeup room place about a minute before she was scheduled to go out.

“Come on, Rarity!” Twilight said. “You’re the most confident pony I know!” It was actually Rainbow Dash. “You know you’re way fancier than Octavia.”

“I feel the same way, but I feel like I’m going to choke at the last second.”

“You’ll be fine, Rarity. I know it.”

“You sure you don’t need any encouragement?” Lyra said in a similar makeup room. “Nothing?”

“There’s no use panicking over it,” Octavia said. “One doesn’t gain things by panicking.”

“I know, but I thought maybe you would like some kind of encouragement or something....”

“I appreciate your concern, but I’d rather be calm than excited for something like this. And even if I lose, it still won’t really mean anything.”

Many flash pictures were taken as Rarity and Octavia stepped into the arena of the Tripling-Off Arena. They walked slowly to the centre and shook each other’s hooves.

“Who wishes to call?” Commentatory commentated.

“I will,” Rarity quickly said before Octavia could get anything in, but she wasn’t planning on getting anything in anyway. “It will be heads.”

Commentatory flipped the coin, and everyone followed it in offputting unison as it went through the air. “The result is tails. Octavia, do you wish to go first or second?”

“I’ll go first.”

“The match between last year’s champion Rarity Belle and pony who plays fancy music at galas for a living Octavia will now begin,” Commentatory commentated. The crowd cheered in a very controlled fashion.

“Octavia, the category is the heart.”

Octavia put a hoof under her chin, which she normally didn’t, but just for the effect. “cor.”

“Oh, Latin! It’s gonna be hard to beat that! Rarity?”

“cœur.”

“French! Amazing! And the judges say...”

A scoreboard indicated “OCT: 9.3, RAR: 9.7”.

“Rarity wins the point!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“Only two more...” Rarity nervously whispered to herself.

“The next category is BMX. Rarity?”

“Wait, does BMX stand for something? I never knew that....”

“Octavia?”

“Bicycle motocross.”

“Judges?”

A scoreboard indicated “OCT: 9.7, RAR: 0.0”.

“The point goes to Octavia!”

The crowd cheered since they felt obligated to. The third and fourth points were split, going to Octavia then Rarity, before the final one. Yeah, I couldn’t think of anything.

“The score is 2–2,” Commentatory said for the convenience of ponies watching on a radio, even though the match was not being broadcast by radio. “Next point will win the round of vocabulary. The category is crack. Like the drug, not the mini-ravine.”

“Cocaine,” Rarity said, smugly overconfidently arrogant and whatever other similar adjectives you can think of.

Octavia smirked in an inadvertently quite teenage girl-looking manner. “Benzoylmethylecgonine.”

“Judges?”

The screen displayed “OCT: 9.6, RAR: 8.0.”

“Octavia wins the round of vocabulary!”

The crowd cheered and waved their white distraction things around.

“The daintiness of consumption round will begin in ten minutes,” Commentatory commentated.

The athletes walked off the field and back to their respective dugout/locker room-type places.

“I’m sorry, Twilight.”

“It’s okay, there are still two rounds left. You’ll be fine.”

“But how am I meant to beat Octavia in the daintiness round? That’s what she does!”

“I’m about to tell you a plan, so the focus better sw—”

“You did it, Octavia!” Lyra said. The sexual assault was tempting, but she didn’t do it.

“I don’t want to get overconfident, but the next round is the one I was quite sure I could win, so hopefully I’ll never have to deal with the drawing round.”

“Yeah, and you’ll initiate a kiss all by yourself someday.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that the pony who wins the first round in a best-of-three contest never wins the second one.”

“It’s happened.”

“When?”

“...I’ll be the first.”

“You can’t be the first to make a perpetual motion machine.”

“Well, I know, but this can be done.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m confident you can do it.”

“Really?”

“No.”

Octavia and Rarity walked back onto the field to Commentatory, who had been standing there the whole time. Laid out adjacent to each other were two very plain wooden tables, each with a bowl of “Italian” wedding soup.

“Octavia, are you ready?”

“Yes.”

“Rarity, are you ready?”

“Quite.”

“Begin.”

Octavia and Rarity both began eating their soup very slowly. There were two hours to eat it, so there was really no rush. There was the opposite of a rush since you were expected to do it slowly. It was dull unless you like watching someone eat soup. They both picked up their final spoon... scoop... whatever scoops are called for soup at eerily close times. Rarity blinked for effect and ate her final spoon perfectly. Octavia, quite nervous and shaky, jitterily started to bring the final spoon to her mouth. About halfway there, she nervous jittered just slightly too much and spilt a tiny drop of broth on the table.

“Rarity wins!” commentated Commentatory. The crowd went wild and Octavia looked downwards in shame. Rarity extended a leg to her and they shook hooves.

“The drawing of pentagrams round will begin in ten minutes,” Commentatory commentated.

“You did it, Rarity!”

“I know I can do this now. The last round will be easy as e.”

“But the drawing round is supposed to be the hardest one.”

“I know, Twilight, but I can do this. I’ve trained so much, this’ll be easy.”

“Just don’t not take it seriously.”

“I’ll be fine, Twilight, just put a little faith in me.”

“Octaaaaavia! How did you blow the daintiness round?”

“I’m sorry, I was just so nervous....”

“Well, you better not screw this one up or I might have to break up with you.”

“You’d honestly do that just because I lost a contest?”

“No. I just don’t want you to fail.”

“Honestly, I don’t think I will. I feel like I can do this.”

“That’s the spirit. Now get out there and strangle Rarity to death.”

And so Rarity and Octavia both walked out to the centre for the final round. Two canvases were there side-by-side. Rarity and Octavia picked up their pencils.

“This will be a five-pentagram round,” Commentatory commentated. “Ready?”

“Yes,” they both said.

“Draw your first pentagrams.”

Rarity and Octavia both carefully drew one without incident. They turned to the next page and drew a second one without incident. This continued much like the soup round until they got to their fifth pages. Unlike the soup, you have to wait for everyone to be done until you can start your next pentagram, but you’d never know from their eerily similar paces. They slowly, carefully drew the first four segments.

“And it’s come down to the final line!” Commentatory commentated, even though they aren’t lines since lines don’t end. “Will either choke or will we have to go into extra time?”

Despite extreme nervousness, Rarity and Octavia both completed their pentagrams just fine.

“We will go into one-pentagram extra time,” Commentatory commentated. “If the score is still tied after both pentagrams are completed, we will go into pentagram line sudden death.”

Rarity and Octavia both carefully completed the patterns they had trained themselves to draw so many times, in creepy unison, up to the third segment. Rarity continued on immediately at this point, Octavia pausing for a moment before completing her fourth leg.

“And they’ve both done four lines perfectly! Will somepony screw up now?”

Octavia dramatically inhaled and drew a nearly perfectly straight segment to link up to her first point, not making the segment too short and not making the line go out past the point.

“And Octavia’s done it! Now, can Rarity?”

Rarity started to draw her last segment. Hers was a little shakier, but it didn’t matter as long as it wasn’t too ridiculous of a zigzag and it linked with the first point. She paused midway for a moment, continued on, and brought it back perfectly to her first point before drawing about one millimetre beyond it. Refereey carefully perused both pentagrams and whispered a sentence to Commentatory.

“The referee has found a flaw in one of the competitors’ pentagrams. Rarity has drawn her final line slightly past the first point. Octavia wins the round and the match!”

The crowd cheered in a wild manner. Rarity and Octavia shook hooves.

“Congratulations,” Rarity said.

“It was a good game,” Octavia said.

“It’s okay,” Twilight said. She hooved a tissue to the tearful Rarity. “It’s not the end of the world.”

“Yes, it is, Twilight! Nothing defines me anymore!”

“Don’t be like that, Rarity. You’re not suddenly boring just because you lost some contest.”

“Well, I suppose you’re right.... Maybe I’m taking this too seriously.”

“Exactly. You have to lose sometimes, and besides, it’s just a game nopony cares about.”

“Don’t denigrate it as ‘just a game’. Fanciness contestry is the finest sport on this planet.”

“Actually, it’s hoofball, but you’re entitled to your opinion.”

“For what’s apparently a fact?”

“Yes.”

A knocking occurred on the door of the room of Octavia. Lyra went up to the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s Octavia.”

“How do I know it’s you?”

“Because of my voice.”

Lyra opened the door just enough so she could see.

“Oh, it is you. Come in.” She came in only to get sexually assaulted. “I can’t believe you won!”

“You didn’t think I would win?”

“To be honest, I thought Rarity was going to steamroll you.”

“It’s good to be informed of all the confidence you have in me.”

“Well, sorry, but that’s how I thought it was going to end up.”

“I’d rather have that than a lie, I suppose.”

“I should’ve expected you to do well in the first place anyway.”

“It’s all right, I wasn’t sure how I would do either. Um, did that kiss count for the requirement?”

“Yes.” She brought her down and forced her tongue in her mouth anyway.

Chapter 99: A Rainbow-Twilight Chapter in Space

Rainbow Dash was having a good time. Flying, sleeping, flying, sleeping, having sex with Applejack, sleeping, flying, hearing Twilight trying to call for her while she was flying and having to come down to see what she wanted....

“Hi, Rainbow.”

“Hi. I’m not horny.”

“I wanted to ask you if I would gain your honour if I beat Applejack in a fight.”

“I would mostly be pissed off that you beat up Applejack.”

“Oh. But regardless of that, I would have your honour, right?”

“It wouldn’t change my opinion of you at all. I already know how you can kill stuff.”

“So I shouldn’t beat up Applejack?”

“I thought that was pretty clear.”

Comedic silence!

“Is that it?” Rainbow said. Twilight laid face-down on the ground and started to cry for no apparent reason. “Uh... are you okay?”

“Why do you love her more than you love me? What’s wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me, otherwise you’d love me just as much.”

“It’s because she has better personality traits. You know, the same reason anypony has liked one pony more than another every time that’s happened ever.”

“Don’t be silly, Rainbow. I’m sure you know quite a lot about how ponies are liked more because of their achievements.”

“You know what I mean, Twilight. I think AJ’s a better pony, so—”

“Why? What differences between us make Applejack better?”

“I can’t just pick minor traits out like that. You have completely different personalities.”

“So you want me to change?”

“Don’t change. I like you how you are, and you shouldn’t copy AJ if that’s not you.”

“I don’t need your shoehorned-in moral, Rainbow. You’d like me better if I changed.”

“No, I wouldn’t. Wait, actually, there is one thing you can do.”

“Yes?”

“I would like it if you got up.”

Twilight got up and wiped the tears off her face, only for them to come back one second later. I think it was a metaphor for windscreen wipers.

“So you don’t want me to change?”

“I love you exactly the way you are—”

“Awwww,” the cameraponies said in unison.

“Shut up, we’re trying to have a romantic moment here. As I was saying, I love you how you are and you shouldn’t change the way you act just because you think I’ll like you more. And it wouldn’t really be you anyway.”

Twilight nodded, tears still streaming down her face like a schmaltzy simile.

“I’m not fucking you, Twilight.”

“Why not?”

“Because I want to do flying today.”

“Then I’ll just have to rape you.”

“Fine, but make it quick.”

Twilight tackled Rainbow and they had middle of public park sex.

Chapter 100: The Second Episode of Withstander

“Last time on Withstander!” Pinkie Pie said. “CMTR and Jambalaya tried to kill each other so they could have a slightly better type of rice than the other team. Despite CMTR having magical badass Twilight and physical badass Rainbow, Jambalaya won due to not having half their team be fillies. Who be voted off this time on Withstander: Corvidae Islands?”

“Okay, is anypony doing anything?” Twilight said.

“There’s nothin’ Ah can do,” Apple Bloom said.

“I could magic some wood,” © Sweetie Belle 2012.

“I’ll magic some wood as well if you want,” Rarity said.

“What about you, Rainbow?”

There was no answer.

“Where’s Rainbow?”

“Ah think she’s still asleep.”

“For Faust’s sakes...” Twilight went to the excuse for a shelter to find Rainbow. She nudged her a little to no avail.

“Wake up, Rainbow.”

Snoring.

“WAKE UP, RAINBOW!”

“Huh, what? I didn’t kill Bob, I wasn’t even... oh, hi, Twilight. I was having this dr—”

“Can you help us with food, maybe wood? Everypony’s in a bad mood in this hood.”

“Can’t give a lift to the club, T-man. I’m still out.”

“...What?”

“I’m tired.”

“Yeah, I know that... anyway, the unicorns among us will get wood. Apple Bloom will, um... Apple Bloom?”

“Yeah?”

“Rarity, Sweetie Belle, and I are getting wood, what are you doing?”

“Ah’ll cook or somethin’.”

“Can you cook?”

“Ah can manage rahce.”

“Good.”

“So, I’m with Octavia,” Lyra said, “And Applejack and Big Mac have that platonic thing which has apparently been going on since Applejack’s birth, which I find hard to believe, but okay. That leaves camerapony #3 and Butterscotch.”

“Do I have to be associated with Butterscotch?”

“Yes. And what’s your name? Camerapony #3 is seven syllables.” A reader then counted the syllables himself because he didn’t trust my ability to count to seven.

“Fine,” camerapony #3 said. “If it’ll make you stop asking me, it’s Metragenic.”

“Metragenic?” Applejack said. “What’s that mean?”

“It’s the word metrage suffixed with -genic. So it means ‘producing metrage’. But please, seriously, call me camerapony #3.”

“What was your name before you got your cutie mark?” Lyra said.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Was it wicked embarrassin’?” Applejack said.

“Yes.”

“We won’t make fun of you,” Liera said.

“Yes, you will.”

“Octavia won’t make fun of you,” Lyra said, “The rest of us aren’t above that.”

“Just call me camerapony #3, okay?”

“But it’s so long.”

“Well, that’s your problem, not mine.”

“Fine. You’re such a... um... pony who doesn’t want to be made fun of because of a name she didn’t choose and no longer has.”

“We should make some food,” Octavia said.

“Welcome to the mandatory swimming challenge,” Pinkie said. “Five from each team will swim out there, around that buoy, and whoever gets back last loses invulnerability and whatever’s on this table under this tarp for their team. Jambalaya, who’s sitting out?”

“Butterscotch, are you fine at swimmin’?” Applejack said.

“I’m okay at it.”

“Octavia, you suck at anythin’ remotely physical, right?”

“She does,” Lyra said.

“We’re sittin’ out Octavia.”

“Very well,” Pinkie said slowly in a deep, evil voice. “The challenge will begin at high noon.” She looked at her present wristwatch, it displaying 11:59:56. “Threeee... twooo... ooone... GOOOO!”

Everypony except Octavia metaphorically dived into the water, but not literally because it was too shallow being right next to the shore and all, and started swimming like platypi.

“Everypony off to a great start,” Pinkie said, “Except for Apple Bloom and Butterscotch who’re a little behind, and Sweetie Belle who’s a moderate amount behind. Since no important positional changes are happening, here’s a joke: in Ancient Rome, ponies—well, people—would throw applesauce onto the stage after a good performance. Eventually, the word ‘applesauce’, once it was a word with English and all, began to be used for any form of approval after a performance. This was eventually contracted to ‘applause’, which is where we get the word.”

“And here’s Rainbow and Applejack and Big Mac and camerapony #3 and Twilight and Butterscotch and Lyra!” Pinkie said, barely keeping up with their arrivals. “And here’s Rarity and Apple Bloom, but it doesn’t matter, ‘cause Jambalaya’s already won invulnerability!”

Jambalaya did generic cheering as everyone waited patiently for Sweetie Belle to arrive.

“...And here’s Sweetie Belle. Nice job.”

“Well, sorry, it’s just not one of my skills....”

“And so you signed up for Withstander. Anyway, Jambalaya get invulnerability and...” she pulled the tarp away from its quite large table, “Three hundred litres of fresh water!”

Jambalaya cheered wildly.

“Yes!” Pinkie said. “No longer will you have to collect rainwater in your rice pan! You can drink a normal amount of water for, I don’t know, a week or something! I don’t know how much water you’re supposed to drink a day for what you ponies do, but it’s more than you have now!”

“That reminds me,” Lyra said, “Do we get refills on rice now? Because we were planning around—”

“No!” Pinkie said. “If you can’t go two days without food, you don’t deserve to be here!”

“You know, in normal Survivor—”

“Up, up, up! This is Withstander. Not that sissy Survivor where they just hoof out rice and water. This is a real pony’s game.”

“Are these responses scripted, or—”

“Leave!”

“Well, we have water and shelter,” Lyra said. “Now we just need food....”

“Well, Scootaloo’s managed through tahmes way worse than this,” Applejack said, “So Ah think we should be able to handle it. Right, Big Mac?”

“You don’t care about my opinion, you just want to hear me say it.”

“Ah’m sorry.”

“Octavia,” Lyra said. Octavia had been standing next to her the whole time, but no one brought it up until now.

“Yes?”

“I want to talk with you because I’ll get bored if I’m alone.”

“That’s an improvement over your typical programme of forcing—”

“Look, I don’t want to do it, it’s the contract.”

“You do it more than once a day sometimes.”

“Well, your definition of that is so broad anyway. If some pony kisses her girlfriend, you call that ‘sexual assault’ because she didn’t sign a contract first. Actually, wait, then you still do that.”

“You know what I’m talking about, Lyra.”

“I know, I just think you’re a little uptight about it sometimes.”

“But my uptightness is why you love me. This is isn’t the first time this has happened recently, do you not love me for that anymore?”

“Don’t take what I’m saying the wrong way, I just wish you wouldn’t mind me kissing you so much.”

“I don’t mind it, it’s just that sometimes you’re a bit... extreme about it. I don’t need every kiss to be me nearly choking on your tongue.”

“So I can’t passionately kiss my girlfriend?”

“Well, no, but my point is that it’s better for it to be quick when I don’t want it to happen in the first place.”

“Okay....”

“Thank you.” Spoiler alert: Lyra doesn’t change.

“I like how this show is supposed to be about survival and we’re talking about kissing,” Lyra said.

“Well, you can only have so many variations of ‘we’re underfed’ before you have to find something else to talk about....”

“salvete to la Councila de Tríba!” Pinkie said. “How does it feel to lose both challenges?”

“It feels Xtremely disappointing,” Twilight said. “I Xpected us to do Xceptionally Xcellent at everything, but I guess we’re just not as Xtreme as I first thought.”

“:(,” Rainbow said.

“It feels really bad,” Apple Bloom said, “But there’s still hope. We can still prolly Xtract some X-factor and Xtricate ourselves outta this before the merge.”

“What makes you think that?” Pinkie said.

“Ah dunno, Ah just wanna seem like Ah have team spirit or whatever.”

“That’s enough talking for a 45-minute show, now vote!” Yes, forty-five minutes. You know those channels where things start at weird times like seventeen minutes past the hour? It’s on one of those. “Apple Bloom, you’re up first.”

“Ah’m sorry, but we don’t need ya anymore,” Apple Bloom said.

“I just can’t see us having any use for you,” Twilight said.

“You suck at everything,” Rainbow said, “And the one thing you don’t suck at we have somepony else for anyway.”

Rainbow, the last one to vote, came back from Voting Area.

“el votos numerabo,” Pinkie said. She retrieved the votes. “Blah blah leaving immediately.”

“First vote: Rarity.”

Rarity got shaky.

“Second vote: Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie Belle got shaky.

“Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie Belle got drinking CAEB-spiked coffee in Alaska shaky.

“Second pony voted off Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Sweetie Belle.”

Sweetie Belle walked over to Pinkie Pie, not bringing her nonexistent torch with her.

“Sweetie Belle, all your friends hate you.”

Sweetie Belle exited for Sequestria.

“I hope you’re all happy with yourselves,” Pinkie said, “Losing two challenges and not voting off Rarity. Good night.”

“I can’t believe they all voted for me,” Sweetie Belle said. “I expected at least Apple Bloom to be on my side. How can I trust anypony anymore? What if Apple Bloom hates me? It’s possible. She could hate me because I’m too Rarityish for her and she’s just trying to be nice. Do Apple Bloom and Scootaloo talk about me behind my back? Maybe they do, how would I know? Maybe everypony makes fun of me. All of Ponyville could be brought together by their mutual hatred of me. What about Rarity? She probably thinks I’m a nuisance. And I am! I’m just taking up food! It would be better for everypony if I just killed myself.”

Chapter 101: Sweetie Belle’s Love Confession

Twilight woke up like she did every day: by changing from a state of sleep to one of awakedom. She did boring morning things, went to the pet cemetery where Owlyiches had been relocated and did boring mourning things, then went to her preferred regional supermarket, Price✓Rong. Due to Equestria’s lack of cars, there was a massive grid of bike racks where a parking lot would normally reside. By now, you’re probably wondering when something will happen as Twilight there gets a basket from a basket stack. Well, son, you know what they say: all toasters toast toast. No, wait, that was something else. Anyway, let’s see what Rainbow is doing. Flying, okay. Applejack? Apple-bucking, fine. Apple Bloom? Hey, Apple Bloom isn’t doing anything! Dispatch transcribers!

The housebarn’s door was knocked, and subsequently answered by Apple Bloom.

“ohai transcriber team. Ah ain’ doin’ anythin’ interestin’, so....”

“We’re taking you to Rarity’s so you and Sweetie Belle can have a highlarious conversation,” transcriber #1 said.

“If Ah have to go there, shouldn’t Ah tell mah family an’ stuff?”

“A pony will be dispatched to inform Applejack.”

“What about Big Mac an’—”

“That’ll cost extra.”

“Fine, just tell AJ.”

And so Apple Bloom was transported by golf cart to Rarity’s house.

“Wazzup beeeeetch?” Rarity said.

“Wait, what?” Apple Bloom said, “Are you Pinkie in a Rarity costume or somethin’?”

“It was my line.”

“We don’t have lines anymore.”

“Really? Because just now....”

Only the squishy sound of wind accompanied them.

“You can come in,” Rarity said.

“I assume you’re looking for Sweetie Belle?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Of course you are.... Twilight came in here the other day, and you know who she needed to tell something to? Sweetie Belle.” she was making a voice like she was crying, but she wasn’t actually crying.

“Ah’m sorry ta hear that,” Apple Bloom lied. “Ah’m gonna see Sweetie Belle now.”

“Okay....”

Apple Bloom went up to Sweetie Belle’s room, barely clearing the spiked pit along the way. She knocked the door, hoping Sweetie Belle was actually there.

“Hi,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Hey. Ah’m here ‘cause Ah have to be, this ain’t a random awkward visit. Not that—”

“I get it. So what do we have to do?”

“Ah dunno, just talk. About... y’know... what you said in the second episode ah Withstander? Sure. What’s your deal?”

“I was just mad, don’t take anything I said seriously.”

“So we’re friends?”

“Yep. I still like you. And, you know, everypony. Come in.”

She came in. Sweetie Belle closed the door. “Well, Ah’m glad that’s still good.”

“No, you’re not understanding what I’m saying.”

“Why? Do you still ‘ave a problem wi—”

Sweetie Belle put her leg behind Apple Bloom’s neck and closed the top half of her eyes. How do you do that anyway? I just end up squinting. “I mean, I really like you.”

“Er... Sweetie Belle....”

“Come on, Apple Bloom,” she started petting her mane, “I’ve admitted it, now you go ahead.”

“Don’t you think we’re a bit... er... young? Maybe when we’re older we can do a childhood friends to romantic partners thing, bu—”

“Oh, you don’t have to be that way, Apple Bloom. We understand what we’re doing. And you know everything will better if you just admit it.”

“Sweetie Belle, Ah think—”

Sweetie Belle took her petting leg and raised Apple Bloom’s jaw to close her mouth. “Don’t speak. Today, we just admit our love for each other in—”

“Stop.” Apple Bloom pushed Sweetie Belle away with such force that she rolled on the floor in dramatic fashion. “What the fuck are you doin’, Sweetie Belle?”

Sweetie Belle got up. “I want to get my job back.”

“Oh. That makes sense. Still, though, you coulda done somethin’ else.”

“The only times when ponies think I’m interesting are when I’m doing something with you, and the casting ponies seem to really like sexual things, so... I guess that’s what happens when you try to quantify emotions....”

“‘Kay, but... you were never actually gonna kiss me or anythin’, right?”

“Of course not, I don’t actually have feelings for you,” she lied. About the feelings part, the not kissing part was true. “Like I said, just think of it as a failed fun surprise, since that’s what it was.”

“Ah was scared....”

“Sorry. I was just trying to be entertaining for the viewers.”

“Ah know....”

“Seriously, I’m sorry, that’s all it was. If there’s anything I can do, I’ll do it.”

“There’s nothin’ you can do, Sweetie Belle. Ah’m never gonna like you again.”

“What?”

“Ah never wanna see ya again.” Apple Bloom dramatically turned away from her.

“But—”

“Ah’m serious, Sweetie Belle. You went way too far. We ain’t friends anymore.”

“I’m really sorry, Apple Bloom. It wasn’t honest, it was for the cameras. That’s not how I actually feel, I’m sorry if I freaked you out a bit.”

“The fact that you need ta apologahse for it so much shows that we can’t be friends anymore.”

“Apple Bloom, I’m seriously sorry. I honestly wish I never did that, it was a mistake. I know that’s the definition of the word sorry, but please, forgive me despite my poorly formed apology.”

“Well....” Apple Bloom turned back around. “If you really do regret it....”

Sweetie Belle nodded.

Apple Bloom giggled for a couple seconds before breaking into hysterical laughter.

“Are you all right?”

She kept laughing.

“What’s so funny? Our friendship was about to end.”

“Sorry, Ah just...” Apple Bloom wiped a tear she didn’t have off her face, “Ah totally got ya there.”

“Huh?”

“Ah was never gonna ‘stop bein’ your friend’ just ‘cause you pulled a li’l’ joke on me.”

“So we’re friends?”

“We’re good.”

“Thank you, I... I thought you actually didn’t want to be friends with me anymore.”

“Just gettin’ ya back for the love thing.”

Sweetie Belle... fine, I’ll call it a fucking hug. “I love you, Apple Bloom.”

“What?”

“In a platonic way, sorry.”

Chapter 102: Pasta + Cheese = x

“Okay, so let me get this straight,” Lyra said. “Macaroni and cheese is a stupid simpleton dish for fillies...”

“Correct,” Octavia said.

“...But Fettuccine Alfredo is all fancy pasta dish like.”

“Correct.”

“What the hell?”

“Well, they’re completely different.”

“They are not.”

“Yes, they are.”

“Name some ajor difference between them.”

“*major”

“Well, for one... er... you never see alfredo in macaroni and cheese. And butter.”

“So if, strictly hypothetically here, I made macaroni and cheese with alfredo and butter, it would be okay.”

“Well....”

“Would it be okay with your fastidious tastes?”

“Of course it would... what’s the difference, right?”

“Exactly! I’m glad you understand where I’m coming from.”

“You’re going to make some and force me to eat it, aren’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Hey, Lyra?” camerapony #2 said as everyone waited for the pasta to cook.

“Yes?”

“Can I call over Applejack? She needs a scene.”

“Call whoever you want, I don’t mind.”

“It’s my house,” Octavia said, “Shouldn’t I decide?”

“No,” camerapony #2 said. And so he called Sweet Apple Acres. “Hello, is this Applejack?”

“Eenope.”

“Get Applejack.”

“It’s for you, AJ.”

Applejack got up from lunching to answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Applejack, you gotta come over here!”

“Whah?”

“Um, I mean, this is camerapony #2. You are required by your contract to come to Octavia’s house.”

“Fahne....”

“Sorry, Ah gotta go, it’s the fuckin’ contract....”

“Aww. Well, bye,” Big Mac, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith said in creepy unison.

Time happened. Pasta finished. Applejack arrived.

“I’llgetit,” Octavia said. She got it. “Hello, Applejack.”

“Hi, Octavia. So what’m Ah here for?”

Octavia made a short sigh. “To watch me eat macaroni and cheese. Lyra’s making me do it.”

“Really? Ah thought this was gonna be borin’, but that’s totally worth comin’ over here for.”

Lyra, Applejack, multiple cameraponies, and a transcriber were standing around the table, waiting for Octavia, sitting, to take her first bite. Octavia nervously looked at a couple of the cameraponies.

“I’m going to put this up on YouTube then complain when it gets taken down for being copyrighted,” camerapony #2 said.

Octavia picked up the fork (made in Forks, the most precipitatious town in Equestria), speared a macaroni, steadily brought it up her to her mouth, and took the bite. She chewed and swallowed the macaroni successfully. The crowd laughed then cheered, both wildly.

“Holy Faust, that was disgusting,” Octavia said. “Do I have to eat the entire plate?”

There were three macaronis left on the for-restaurant-bread-sized plate Lyra had provided.

“Yes, Octavia,” Lyra said. “The entire plate.”

“We’re breaking up after this....”

“Come on.”

“Seriously, though, I expect you to get a job sometime soon. I’m not going to pay for both of us any longer.”

“We can have this discussion later, now finish the plate.”

“I’ll try....”

There was a pentagon wipe to Octavia swallowing the last macaroni. The audience applauded.

“Holy Faust...” Octavia said.

“You did it!” someone else said.

“Thank you....”

“There’s enough macaroni for, I think, two ponies in here,” Lyra said. “I have no idea why I made that much. Wait, no, it was because I would’ve felt silly cooking four macaroni pieces. That was it. So anypony want some?”

“Ah got lunch at home,” Applejack said.

“Cameraponies? Transcribers?”

All the cameraponies and transcribers shook their heads.

“Then what am I going to do with all this extra macaroni and cheese?” Lyra said. She looked back at Octavia and smirked evilly. Octavia responded by fainting.

Chapter 103: Lime Time

It was just another late night in Applejack’s room. Rainbow was sitting on the floor “forcing” Applejack’s face to her genitalia, as if she would stop if she could.

“Look at the time,” Rainbow said, her hoof more resting on the back of Applejack’s head than really forcing it at the moment anyway. “Actually, it’s not that late, but that seemed dramatic.”

“[Cunnilingus noises],” Applejack said.

“Right there,” Rainbow said rather mildly for a “right there”. “No, not there, caudex, a little to—yeah, there holy Faust right there holy Faust I’m seriously almost about to cuweweuweehh!”

Applejack licked Rainbow clean, then raised her head to look at her. Well, she was already looking at her, but now she was looking at her face. You know what I mean. “Can Ah take a b—”

Rainbow shoved Applejack’s head back to its previous position. “I’ll tell you when you’re done.”

The part of the chapter from [Cunnilingus noises] to “raised her head” happened over again.

“Now you can take a break.” Applejack got up, prompting her to get up as well. What a sheep, right? “Did you like the rape?”

“It was good. Ah just wanna relax for a minute raht now.”

“Okay, whatever you want is fine.”

“Then why did you—”

“As of now, whatever you want is fine. Thirty seconds ago was a different time. Besides, you wanted me to do that anyway.”

“Yeah.”

And so Applejack laid on her bed doing nothing for sixty-four seconds whilst Rainbow clopped to the image of Applejack lying on her bed.

“Ah can’t believe you just clopped to me,” Applejack said. “Not like a picture ah me, actually me.”

“So? You don’t mind, right?”

“Ah course not, it’s just... Ah dunno, so never mind. You ready?”

“When you are.”

“We doin’ the same thing, or....”

“I’m feelin’ bondage right now.”

“‘Kay, Ah’ll get stuff.”

Applejack got off the bed and got some ropes from the wardrobe. She saw the end of the handle of the frying pan in the corner of her eye and mentally sighed.

“Now, how’re we doin’ this? Like usual?”

“Well, I had this thing I wanted—actually, never mind, I don’t want to be all demandingly specific or anything.”

“What is it? If you’re bored with what we do normally, Ah completely understand.”

“Well, I was thinking if you roped my forelegs together and my hindlegs together....”

“That sounds like Ah’m gonna throw ya in a boot or somethin’. All you need is some duct tape over your mouth....”

Rainbow didn’t say anything.

“Ah don’t have any duct tape, Rainbow.”

“Fine.”

Besides, with duct tape, she couldn’t force her into any kissing.

“You seemed really distressed,” Applejack said. “Did ya actually not want it?”

“I don’t even know. Which made me like it more. So I guess I did want it.”

“Can you act lahke that more often?”

“I’ll do it when I feel like it.”

They spent another minute snogging, but this particular time was less actiony and more passionate. Well, it was passionate before, but you know. Rainbow stopped it once again.

“Can we do something else?” Rainbow said.

“Have an attention span.”

“Fine....”

“Actually, you know what? It’s fine. Get on the bed.”

Rainbow did.

“We’re fuckin’,” Applejack said. “No fancy bondage or anythin’ like that, just us fuckin’ each other. It’s been too long since we did that.” Applejack got onto the bed which, by the way, is still not even vaguely large enough for sex. “Remember when Ah had to tell you stuff an’ such?”

“Yeah. I’m going through the same thing with Twilight right now.”

“You’re better now, though.”

“Yeah... this is gonna sound weird, but I guess I should thank you for... teaching me.”

“You’re... welcome,” Applejack said, considering running a stroke down Rainbow’s mane or side with her hoof, but ultimately deciding against it.

“You told me you learned the recipe from Big Mac, right?”

“Yeah.”

“How did he learn to have sex where both parties survive?”

“Ah don’t know.... As far as Ah know, Ah’m the only pony he’s ever had sex with.”

“Weird... it’s not like he could’ve just known, right?”

“Well, virgins’ve had sex before an’ sometimes they get better... was that us?”

“I guess it must’ve been.”

“Yeah, but... it’s just so weird... you know what, Ah’ll ask ‘im tomorrow.” It would be a long time before she remembered.

“Sounds good. Can we have sex now?”

“Yeah.”

Chapter 104: Character Balance

Apple Bloom was in her room doing nothing in particular. Just sitting on her bed eating an apple. However, we need to have a scene with her, so a team of cameraponies and transcribers were dispatched. Knock-knock! Hey, she’s just answering!

“Hi, camerapony #3,” Applejack said, “Hi, other ponies. Whaja want now?”

“We need Apple Bloom for a scene,” camerapony #1 said.

“Why couldn’t you just call ‘er?”

“We need to transport her by golf cart to Rarity’s house.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell ‘er to go there?”

“It needs to be via golf cart.”

“Whatever. Hey, Apple Bloom!”

“What?”

“You need to go to Rarity’s for a scene!”

“Didn’t Ah just do that?”

“Ah dunno, now get down here so Ah can stop yellin’!”

Apple Bloom got down there and camerapony #1 grabbed her.

“RAPE!” Apple Bloom said.

“Relax, I’m just literally throwing you into the golf cart.”

There was a pentagon wipe to camerapony #1 driving a golf cart with Apple Bloom passenging.

“Camerapony #1’s been makin’ awkward moment glances ta me the whole way,” Apple Bloom said into camerapony #1’s camera. “Ah hope he doesn’t ask if Ah want music.”

“Music?”

“Yeah, Ah was just talkin’ about—”

“It’s a golf cart.”

“Oh. Well, that would explain the... er... Ah can’t think ah anythin’ funny.”

There was a down-pointing pentagon wipe to Apple Bloom knocking Rarity’s house’s door. It was then answered by Rarity.

“Hello, Apple Bloom.”

“Hi, Rarity.”

“Weren’t you just here three days ago?”

“Yeah, but that was ‘cause Ah needed to do a scene. Now I need ta do a scene.”

“But those are the same thing.”

“Ah know. So where’s Sweetie Belle?”

“Would you like to come in?”

“No, Ah’m fahne with doorway conversations. So where’s Sweetie Belle?”

“She’s in her room doing homework. Do you want to do a scene with me?”

“No, but if Sweetie Belle’s unavailable, Ah guess Ah’m already over here.”

“So you will do a scene with me?”

“If there aren’t any other options....”

“We can arrange something with Scootaloo,” camerapony #4 said.

“That sounds good.”

And so the fleet of three golf carts with camerapony #1 and Apple Bloom, cameraponies #3 and 4, and transcriber #1 went off to foalnap pick up Scootaloo. As they arrived, Scootaloo looked vaguely perplexed by the golf carts, almost as if fleets of golf carts weren’t common in Ponyville. Wait, they’re not. Transcriber #1 got out of hers.

“We’re giving you a scene,” transcriber #1 said.

Scootaloo swallowed a bite of doughnut she was partway through before talking. “Okay.” She got in the cart. “So where are we going?”

“I don’t know, I’ve just been following them. I’m afraid if I ask, they’ll laugh at me or something.”

“So where’re we goin’?” Apple Bloom said.

“Holy Faust!” camerapony #1 said. “I am so fucking angry at this lemon!” he said, before throwing a lemon high into the air.

“Er, that’s great, but where’re we goin’?”

“Oh. Amicable’s.”

And so the fleet drove to Amicable’s. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo arrived there without incident and walked in with breaking a total of five legs.

“Hello, welcome to Amicable’s, where samosas make the meal,” the maître d’ said. “Do you have any adults with you?”

“We got those cameraponies,” Apple Bloom said.

“Oh. Sorry, couldn’t see you ponies behind this... um... air... I’m not funny. Come on, I’ll seat you ponies.”

And so they were seated at a table, with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo next to each other. Does it matter where all the staff were? The answer is no, they’re lucky they’ve even been mentioned for so much time.

“Blah blah news stocks unrest disease,” a caption on a muted television said. As if that wasn’t unenjoyable enough, the channel was then changed to a fishing show.

“So what are you gettin’?” you could tell this was Apple Bloom from the apostrophe.

“It’s been two seconds.”

“Ah know....”

They both looked at their menus for a few minutes without anything really happening.

“Is everything good here?” said Vētris, their waitress for the afternoon, who had just appeared out of thin air that was so thin from being cut up by fans.

“Yeah.” “Yep.” “Yes.” “Uh-huh.” “AFFIRMATIVE!” “It’s good.”

“Good. Your food won’t be here shortly because you haven’t ordered any. Speaking of that, have any of you decided on anything yet?”

A couple cameraponies gave orders, but who cares. The transcribers do much harder work, they’re the ones that deserve to be mentioned more often.

“Okay, I’ll get those in for you.”

Ten seconds after Vētris left, Apple Bloom decided on her food.

“Hey, Scootaloo.”

“Yep?”

“Ah’m gonna get the Don’t Order This with garlic doughnuts.”

Scootaloo nodded and looked back to her menu.

“What’s wrong?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You seem kinda sad. You can tell me what’s wrong, raht?”

“I’ve just been a bit down lately. Not enough food and talking. Well, more not enough than usual.”

“Ah’m sorry. If you’d like—” she broke into a coughing fit.

“Are you okay?”

“That happens sometimes when Ah trah ta say a long Ah.” She drank half her water.

“Anyway, you were saying?”

“Yeah, Ah was wonderin’ if we should do things where we can take ya in more often.”

“Well, if it’d be too much on you....”

“Don’t be lahke that.”

“I just don’t want you to do anything for me just because you feel like you have to.”

“Well, ah course we hafta. Don’t be so unneedy, Scootaloo, that’s what Ah hate most about ya.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just... I don’t want to be a burden or anything.”

Apple Bloom tried to roll her eyes, but just made them shifty for a second instead. “You ain’ a burden, Scootaloo. Seriously, how am Ah supposed ta answer that without soundin’ lahke Ah’m in a bad fanfic?”

“But you are.”

“Ah know, but... look, stop trahin’ ta be all... altruistic? No... yes? You’ve never been the ‘burden’ you always think ya are.”

“It’s not really altruism, it’s just that when you see a random hitchhiker or homeless pony with a cardboard sign, you’re not exactly morally obliged to take them in, and that’s what I am. And seriously, have you even seen the word altruistic before?”

“Sorry....”

“But that’s my point is that when you walk by some homeless pony, you don’t do anything, and that’s who I am.”

“Ah understand what’s you’re sayin’, but the difference is Ah know you, so Ah do hafta do somethin’ for you.”

“Apple Bloom?” transcriber #1 said.

“Yeah?”

“I just want you to know that were out of apostrophes again.”

“Kay.” She turned back to Scootaloo.

“Just because you know me doesnt mean you have to do things for me.”

“Look, Ah know youre just trahin ta be all nahce bah denahin help or whatever, but its ahkay, we lahke havin ya.”

“Now we rn out of s,” trnscriber #1 sid.

“Outt wht?” pple Bloom sid.

“The first letter of the lphbet.”

“Ky.”

“Hey, cn we get some more s, Hs, nd postrophes over here?” trnscriber #1 sid to  rndom cmerpony.

“Ill go nd get some from the crt,” cmerpony #4 sid. During his run to the crt, Vētris cme nd took the orders of the remining ponies. It wsnt exciting. Cmerpony #4 got to the tble.

“Here,” he sid, hooving trnscriber #1  flsh drive.

“Thnks,” trnscriber #1 sid. “Quick, tink of  sexul joke for putting this fls drive in.”

Unfortuntely, e didnt come up with nyting.

“Okay, we’re good,” transcriber #1 said.

“Cool.”

There was a sound as if, say, an acorn hit the Amicable’s’ roof, but it was much louder and blunter than an acorn would be.

“What was that?” Apple Bloom said. They could hear it rolling down the roof, then a lemon fell in front of the restaurant.

“That’s... strange,” Scootaloo said.

“Apple Bloom? Scootaloo?” camerapony #3 said.

“Yeah?” they said.

“You need to have a short conversation, then we can end the chapter.”

“‘Kay...” Apple Bloom said, “Whah’s it so important that we know this?”

“I don’t know, headquarters just told me to tell you that.”

“Headquarters?”

“Yes. All the staff carry two-way radios, you know.”

“No, Ah... didn’t....”

“Maybe it was because they were afraid you would actually eat instead of talking. I don’t know. Just talk, I have a boyfriend I haven’t seen in a while.”

“You have a boyfriend?”

Camerapony #3 put her knees on the table, causing minor clanking sounds, and put her head in her hooves. “No....”

“You ‘kay there, sugarcube?” Apple Bloom said in an offputtingly good impression of Applejack.

“Why does nopony love me?” she said in a sad crying voice, but without actually crying.

“Camerapony #2 loves you....”

“Yeah, but I’m not the type to take somepony I don’t have any feelings for just because they’re all I have.”

“There’s a word for settlin’, y’know.”

“Just talk with Scootaloo.”

“I don’t have anything to talk about,” Scootaloo said.

“Neither do Ah.”

Camerapony #3 took her knees off the table and changed to looking downwards until someone asked her what was wrong.

“You ahkay, camerapony #3?”

“I’m fine. Just say something to Scootaloo. And don’t say the word something, be a little creative.”

“Hey, Scootaloo.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Ah can’t think ah anythin’ ta say to ya.”

“If you can’t think of anything, I’ll have to factor that in for the report card,” camerapony #1 said.

“‘Report card’?” Apple Bloom said.

“There’s no actual card,” camerapony #4 said, “But there is a report.”

“Ah see.”

Chapter 105: The Replacement of Apple Bloom

Hello, I’m the door at the housebarn at Sweet Apple Acres, and I’ll be narrating this entire chapter. Oh, here comes Applejack! I like how she turns my doorknob. Why, if she weren’t already with that durn Rainbow Dash, I might have a whack at her myself! Oh, and here comes Derpy with her mailbag! Here to deliver a letter, I assume, don’t know what else she’d be here for. Hopefully she’ll knock on me nice and sof—ow! Ow! Owwww! Holy Faust, the pain! Oh, looks like Applejack noticed. She’s about to open me...

“Hi, Derpy!” Applejack said.

Derpy hooved her an epistle.

“Thanks, Derpy!” Applejack said, before owwww did she have to slam me like that? Holy Faust, what did I do to deserve this? Oh, looks like she’s looking at me!

“Big Mac?” she said. He came down from playing Minecraft.

“Eeyup?”

“Does the door seem like it’s talkin’ to me?”

Big Mac turned his head to look at me.

“I could’ve sworn I just heard it narrate me looking at it,” Big Mac said.

“Exactly!”

“Could it be that glowing lime food we had for breakfast?”

“Maybe. Anyway, Ah got this letter for Apple Bloom. She should be comin’ back from Amicable’s any moment now.”

Silence.

“Is that all you needed?” Big Mac said.

“Eeeeyup,” Applejack said in a ‘bad impression of deep-voiced person’ voice. Big Mac didn’t seem amused. “If you have a random urge ta kill right now, you can take it out on me.”

“I’m not the violent type.”

“Ah know, the only random urges you get are sexual... an’ before you bring it up, Ah wasn’t trahin’ to suggest that you’re that kinda pony or anythin’.”

Ow! What is it today? Er, anyway, Applejack opened me and there was everypony: Apple Bloom, camerapony #1, camerapony #3, camerapony #4, and transcriber #1!

“Hi, Apple Bloom,” Applejack said.

“Hi, AJ.”

“Come in, there’s a letter for ya.”

Meanwhile, Big Mac had inconspicuously gone back to his room. Does he have a room? He’s a bit old for a room now, don’tcha think? But he had one back he was younger, and it’s just stayed that way. Some things never change!

“So where is it?”

“Right on the table. Y’know, where we usually keep letters.”

Apple Bloom took it and tore open the envelope.

“Dear Apple Bloom, the only reason we’ve had ya for the last couple chapters you’ve been in is ‘cause we needed to keep our contract. And so we’ve decahded we’ve run outta uses for ya for now an’... are droppin’ ya as a mane character....”

“Aw, Apple Bloom....”

“Ah know...” Apple Bloom tore up the envelope. “Those fuckin’ producers and whoever else....”

“Ah thought you were a really good mane character,” Applejack said, “But Ah guess Ah understand why they’re droppin’ ya.”

“Y’do?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah was hopin’ for somethin’ a little more supportive....”

“Ah don’t lah, Apple Bloom.”

“Ah know, but sometahmes Ah think you should.”

“Well, Ah ain’t gonna.”

“Ah guess Ah can’t really complain about honesty... Ah wonder if they’re gettin’ anypony to replace me.”

“Hey, can Ah have the letter for a second?”

Apple Bloom hooved her the epistle.

“It says in the letter who they’re replacin’ ya with.”

“It does?” She snatched the letter back from Applejack. “Oh. Ah stopped readin’ after the droppin’ me part. Well, Ah hope Scootaloo does well, then.”

“Hey, Ah think Ah noticed somethin’,” Applejack said.

“What?”

“On the door there, there’s a speaker.” Applejack walked up to the door to get a closer look. “Yeah, there’s a tahny speaker in the corner here. An’ Ah see a wahre here....” She opened me and followed the wire to outside the housebarn, where I was leaning against a wall talking into a microphone.

“Hi,” Applejack said.

I looked up at her, a bit startled. “Oh, hi. So I guess you found out that I’m not actually a door.”

“Yeah.”

I took a heavy breath to stall for time whilst I thought of something to say. “Well, I guess you found me out, what more can I say.”

“Yep. So... er... y’know if any ah us’re in the next chapter?”

“It’s Twilight-Rainbow, probably Twidash but that’s up to them, and I won’t be there, so no.”

“‘Kay. Ah’m gonna have sex with Big Mac.”

“Good luck getting him off Minecraft.”

“Ah can do it.”

“Okay, if you say so. I would say bye, but I think I’ll transcribe your sex if/when it happens.”

“Willin’ly? Not just ‘cause you’re obligated ta?”

“For practice.”

“Really?”

“I just want to watch you have sex....”

“No.”

“Fine.”

Chapter 106: Family Game Night

‘Twas the same night as the previous two chapters. Well, they weren’t at night, but the same day, at night.

“A hundred and sixteen points,” Twilight said, proud of the “zelkova” she had made for her first turn.

“Zelkova isn’t a word, Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Look it up.”

“Fine. Gimme the laptop.”

A laptop was given. Rainbow looked up the supposed word at that page. You know, that page on the Hasbro site. With the searching the Scrabble dictionary. You’ve been there, right? Of course you have.

“Okay, so it is a word.”

“I told you.”

“Well, sorry for not believing zelkova is a word. And you’re lucky you got those tiles.”

“I’d like to see what you would’ve done with them.”

Scrabble ensued for the next few hours.

“So how badly did I lose?” Rainbow said.

“The final score’s... carry the i... 1,337 to 128.”

“Well, I didn’t do as bad as last time.”

“Nice part of speech, Rainbow, and I guess it is technically an improvement....”

“So what are we playing next?”

“I’ll get that game with the shuffleboard expansion.”

“That one? Do you want me to lose all my self-esteem?”

“To be honest, you could do with a little less self-esteem.”

“Fine....”

And so Twilight went to some room to get some game. Instead of her immediately coming back next sentence, a filler conversation happened.

“Hey, camerapony #3,” Rainbow said in an awkward silence avoidal attempt.

“What? I’m trying to have an awkwardness prevention talk.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I don’t care.”

“Oh. Then I guess I’ll just have to sit here and live through the awkwardness.”

“You do that.” She went back to talking with camerapony #4.

And so Rainbow sat through the awkwardness. Twilight came back with a board game with a very generic-looking cover similar to the one for Sorry!, upon which was written the game’s name, “Verenhimo!”. Eighty minutes later, the game was all set up.

“So who’s going first?” Twilight asked the question obvious to ponies who had played the game before. “I mean, we’re supposed to do it randomly, but who does that.”

“Well, you can do it by age if you want, but our ages are funny anyway....”

“Yeah. So anyway, how should we do it this time?”

“Camerapony #3 should decide.”

“She’s clearly very busy. Spike should decide.”

“You know Spike’s gonna be biased. And look at camerapony #3. She’s clearly not doing anything of value to society at the moment.”

“It’s OOC of you to say ‘at the moment’. Like, can you imagine—”

“I don’t care. Hey, camerapony #3, who should go first?”

“Twilight.”

“For fff... aust’s sakes, fine. Twilight, what category do you want?”

“Water polo history.”

“Okay. Which country won the women’s gold medal at the 2004 Earth Olympics?”

“Um... Hungary?”

“Wrong! It was Italy. You got a question wrong and you’re Twilight!”

“I know....”

“Okay, I want a film question.”

“ProQuest was originally founded under this name.”

“Oh, I know I’ve got this question before... um... University Microfilms!”

“Nope. The answer’s what is University Microfilms.”

“Dammit....”

“Well, nopony got a question right this round,” Twilight explained a rule for you, “So it’s time for the lightning round. I want an orange question.”

“Orangesareamemberofwhattaxonomicfamily?”

“Rutaceae!”

“Correct! Here’re the dice.” Rainbow hooved Twilight 2d4.

“Will the entire chapter be about this?” camerapony #4 said. “I mean, we saw a few turns, so can we go now?”

“But we didn’t even get to the miniature shuffleboard area!” Twilight said.

“Could you ponies go for dinner right now?”

“Yeah.” “Definitely.” “AFFIRMATIVE!”

“You ponies have sex or whatever, we’re gonna go to Olive Garden.”

“We’re not going to have sex,” Rainbow said.

Twilight got under the table and started kissing Rainbow’s hoof a bunch.

“If you really wanna.”

Twilight went back into her seat. “I wasn’t even horny at all, that was just an automatic reaction.”

“Oh. So you’re fine?”

“Kissing your hoof kinda made me horny.”

“So do you wanna have sex or not?”

“I do.”

The cameraponies and transcriber left, then Rainbow and Twilight presumably finished their game and/or had sex or something, but we don’t know because there were no cameraponies or transcribers there.

Chapter 108: Lyra and Octavia’s Turn

“Are we getting a turn because of the pasta?” Lyra said. “That must be what it was.”

“It’s because you won’t get a job.”

“You missed a great chance to swear before ‘job’.”

“I’m Octavia.”

“Right. I keep forgetting. So it’s because I’m not fancy like I was before, isn’t it?”

“That has been a problem recently, but the reason I’m ending my relationship with you and kicking you out of my house, at least until you fulfil my demand, is because I don’t want to pay for your food anymore.”

“Oh, so just because I don’t have a job and you’re giving me free living space and food... well, okay, I get it, I’ll get a job. But where am I going to sleep tonight?”

“That’s not my problem.”

“You’re seriously going to let me sleep just... wherever? Wait, how much money have I still kept from the sweet shop days?”

“A large negative amount, counting all the food I’ve bought you.”

“Fine, I don’t need it anyway. I’m tough. I can sleep anywhere. How do I get food and water?”

“That’s not my problem.”

“Maybe I can ask Scootaloo. In fact, I bet we’ll end up living together on the same street corner until we eventually die of frostbite.”

“Stop trying to make me feel guilty about this, you need a job.”

“I’m going to die of frostbite and it’ll be your fault.”

“Nopony has died of frostbite since global warming began.”

“Frostbite!”

“Go outside and don’t come back until you can eat on your own money.”

“Are you going to start charging me rent?”

“No.”

“Okay.” Octavia continued to look at her. “I love you.”

“Go outside.”

“Okay. See you at my funeral when I’ve died of frostbite.”

“If Scootaloo is still alive, you’ll be fine.”

“Do you want that to be the last thing you say to me?”

“I would prefer it to be something meta or self-referential. Something like ‘this is the last thing I said to Lyra’.”

“Goodbye.”

Lyra dramatically walked away to the cold, windy world of outside.

“Now, where am I going to find this job? Will Bon Bon still hate me? Does she hate me? I broke up with her. I guess the only way to find out is to communicate with her. That sounds like it’ll be of polar quality.”

And so she went to Bon Bon’s sweet shop, Bon Bon’s Sweet Shop.

“Lyra?” Bon Bon said with equal amounts happiness and confused surprise.

“Bon Bon, there’s—”

“Lyra!” She ran from behind the counter and prostrated herself before her. “I’m so sorry about how I mean I was to you—”

“I’ve heard everything you’re going to say in your many emails, now listen.”

“But this is the first time I’ve seen you in years. None of my schemes ever worked.”

Bon Bon stood behind the fence, still waiting. “Maybe this will be the day she visits him.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Look, Octavia isn’t letting me live with her anymore unless I get a job, so... can I have my job back?”

Bon Bon stood up from excitement. “So I can spend twelve hours a day with you?”

“Fuck, I didn’t think about that.”

“You’ll be away from her any—”

“I know, I meant you. Still, if my only other option is to put effort into the job search....”

“So you’ll work here again?”

“Sure.”

“YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAYYYYYYYY!” She hugged Lyra. “So this is how it’ll be for the foreseeable rest of time?”

“Yes.”

“This is great! I know there are a lot of things I need to explain—”

“Even after all the emails?”

“Yes.”

“You know, our problem was pretty simple.”

“It was not. Come on, get behind the counter in case somepony comes.”

They got behind the counter. Bon Bon’s heart melted at the memories, a tragic death.

“Do the cameras have to be here for this?” Bon Bon said.

“Yes.”

“I never agreed to be in this....”

“Look, Applejack and Rainbow Dash have sex in front the cameraponies—”

“Wait, stop there. What was that about them?”

“I said they have... Chex in front of the cameraponies. You know, the cereal. It’s a sponsorship deal. Isn’t that embarrassing? So you should be fine with this.”

“I guess I get what you’re saying, but—”

“You wanted to explain some things? I’ll listen if it’s recorded.”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath. “The reason I started acting like I did towards you is because... well, there were a few reasons.”

“That’s weird, in the emails you were just kissing my arse all the time.”

“That’s not how I meant it. So, um, one reason was because of all the little jokes you started making at me. I told you I didn’t like that kind of thing I don’t know how many times, so I guess I thought you deserved a little general abrasiveness from me. I was the wrong one, what you said was true and I just couldn’t take criticism, so just don’t think I’m trying to justify it. Another thing was you started getting more... proper. I liked it when you were more laid-back. And the way you were doing it, it felt like you were going to criticise me for everything I did, which you did. I told you I didn’t like that kind of thing I don’t know how many times—”

“Bon Bon?”

“Let me finish. So I guess I thought you deserved—”

“You’re in a loop.”

“What?” She went over what she said in her head. “Oh. Thanks.”

“So is it wrong that I want to be sophisticated and proper?”

“It’s fine, but it’s not my type. And it was no reason to start avoiding you. I could’ve just said something.”

“It didn’t feel like you were avoiding me when we were having romantic partner arguments.”

“I know. So... there are other things, obviously, I’ll get to those, but first I really want to ask you something. Working here, will you be able to be friends with me? Because you hated me when we broke up....”

“I’ll try.”

“Okay. I just thought about that... so, moving on, you were also helping a lot less even—”

There was a ring as the promising young stallion Consumery walked through the doorway.

“Welcome to Bon—” Bon Bon said.

“Holy shit, Lyra’s back!”

“Yeah, she’s—”

“Are you back together?!”

“No, she’s just working here.”

“Lyra, I can’t believe you’re working here again! How did this happen?”

“Octavia told me to get a job, so I did.”

“Holy Faust, you’re back!”

“Yep. So there’s that aisle over there and there and there if you want to buy any sweets....”

“I will, I just... it’s been forever!”

“It couldn’t’ve been longer than 4.4—”

“I’m gonna post this on every social network I’m on.”

“Buy some sweets.”

“Fine.” He went into their pick ‘n’ mix aisle, locally renowned for its dense, chewy candy shaped like triangular, square, and hexagonal prisms.

“Lyra?”

“Yes?”

“Are you sure we can’t try again?”

“Yes.”

“But I’m not mean anymore. And I didn’t change into a completely different pony like you did.”

“I know, but I realise now that I settled for you.”

“So you regret ever being my girlfriend?”

“Deeply.”

“I don’t feel that way about you....”

“It’s true.”

She looked at the counter. “I can’t cry in the middle of the day.”

“This only takes one pony.”

She ran upstairs. With that done, there was only one thing left to air: Lyra telling Octavia she had a job.

“I’m pretty sure Octavia knows she has a job,” Lyra said.

After several hours of skipped-over work, during which much more lazy telling was had with Bon Bon, Lyra went back to Octavia’s house. Lyra gave her door a solid knocking.

“Hello, Lyra,” Octavia said. “Crawling back to me already?”

“I got my job at Bon Bon’s sweet shop back.”

“Honestly, I was hoping you would have to spend at least one night homeless, but I’ll stand by what I said. Come in.”

Lyra came in. They had a long, boring conversation, but I know you don’t like to read those.

Chapter 109: This Chapter Has a Different Name on Google Docs

“The second word is ‘fancay’,” Twilight read off a card.

“So I have conceited and fancay...” Rainbow said. “It has to be Rarity.”

“That’s what I guessed for conceited.”

“I know. Is that my guess?”

“I’ll let you try again.”

“Is it Octavia?”

“Octavia’s not conceited, caudex. And yes, that’s your guess.”

“Fine. But seriously, who the hell is it?”

“I don’t know. You know, Rarity was approaching tolerable at the spa a while back.”

“Hm. We all hate Rarity, but I don’t know if we all have the same reason for it.”

“So what should we do, get the mane six and work it out?”

“Yeah, I think that’d be a good idea.”

“Are they going to show us getting them or will there just be a clock wipe or something?”

“I guess we’ll find out.”

There was a cut to the old mane six standing in a rough hexagon at Near Sugarcube Corner.

“Wait,” Rarity said, “Why do we need to do this in real life?”

“To provide reassals in case we say anything that’s not true,” Twilight said. “Okay, you could do that, but this is dramatic. In what order should we state our hatings?”

“Ah’ll go first,” Applejack said.

“Why?” Twilight said.

“‘Cause... er... it’s alphabetical.”

“Okay. Applejack, state your reasons of hating.”

“You’re straight-laced an’ prudish.”

“Coming from you?” Rarity said.

“Well, we’ve all learned something,” Twilight said. “Rarity hates everypony who doesn’t have all the same morals as her and Applejack is messy and unfancy. Wait, we already knew that. So I guess you’re next, Fluttershy.”

“I don’t have any problems with Rarity....”

“That’s because you never have any problems with anypony,” Twilight said. “You need to be much less tolerant of everypony’s life choices, Fluttershy.”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with acting fancy.”

“You don’t seriously love her, right? Don’t tell me you have something for Rarity.”

“I didn’t think I said that.”

“Good. Moving on, next is... Pinkie Pie.”

“Hmm... well, I agree with Applejack that you’re too clean and fancy about everything. But the main thing for me is that you’re boring. You’re a boring pony to talk with and be around. Have you ever noticed how you’re always depressingly alone at parties? There’s a reason for that. Ponies always have somepony they’d rather spend time with more than you. And even Sweetie Belle, how much time does she spend with you?”

“She never seems to go out of her way to do anything with me.... It’s not as if she deliberately avoids me or anything, but recently it does seem like even she would rather not be around me.”

“See? Not even your own little sister wants to spend any time with you. And it’s not like she’s a bratty teenager or something, you’re the teenager. Or young mare. Whatever age we are, the point is that your little sister doesn’t like to spend time with you.”

“Okay, so we now also know that talking with Rarity is boring,” Twilight said. “Still not getting anywhere. Rainbow, you’re next.”

“Okay. Rarity, I hate how you make me take time out so you can put clothes on me. Sometimes I have to work. And you know how I hate doing girly feminine things. Friend != slave.”

“I’m sorry, I won’t force you to do things for me when you’re busy anymore.”

“Don’t force me to do things at all. Get some other pony to test your crowded fucking dresses on. Maybe a pony who actually likes helping you, or maybe a pony who actually likes you. I don’t actually like you, Rarity. I don’t want to—”

“Okay, you made your point,” Twilight said, “Rarity thinks it’s okay to exploit her friends. Moving on, I wish you wouldn’t think so highly of yourself, Rarity. It’s not even arrogance, you don’t have anything to be arrogant about. You think you’re the best in the world and you’ve done nothing, you think every personality trait you have or don’t is the only logical thing because you chose it, and you do that asking for somepony’s opinion and then not factoring it into anything thing that I hate.”

“So everypony had their turn,” Rarity said. “And I see what most of you are saying.”

“Really?” Twilight said. “You never told us you were a synaesthete.”

“Don’t be smart.”

“What I just said, only serious.”

“I’ll try... some things are just my personality, but I’ll try to fix the things that I think are problems.”

“But you think everything about yourself is good.”

“How ‘bout this,” Applejack said, “We’ll ask Octavia what she thinks are problems and then she has to fix those.”

“Sounds good,” Twilight said.

“Wait,” Rainbow said, “We can’ have Twilight decide everything or her leadership complex’ll just get worse. We should vote.”

“Ah say yes,” Applejack said.

“It sounds like a good idea to me,” Twilight said.

“I like it,” Pinkie said. Wait, wrong window. No, that’s what she says here too, it’s okay.

“I say yes,” Rainbow said.

Fluttershy didn’t vote, legal in Equestria.

“You have to vote, Fluttershy,” Twilight incorrectly stated.

“I don’t have any problems with Rarity, so I don’t see why I should.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway, we already have a majority. Now all we need is a reliable third party to tweet the results of Octavia.”

“Camerapony #3?” Rainbow said.

“No matter how much power you try to give me, you still stole my money-filled purse.”

“I was a stupid teenager back then.”

“You are now.”

“Okay, look,” Twilight said, “This isn’t what we came here to talk about. Look, camerapony #3, go to Octavia and report your findings.”

“Why shouldn’t Ah go?” Applejack said. “Honesty ‘n’ all.”

“Makes sense,” Twilight said. “So when is this checking happening?”

“Ah can do it right now,” Applejack said.

“Excellent.”

Chapter 111: Interview with Scootaloo

“This is what I do all day,” Scootaloo said. “Just sit or lie curled up in a box. My life doesn’t have much detail to it.”

“Where do you get water?” camerapony #5 said off some paper he was levitating.

“There’s a water fountain at the park, so ever since the mysterious bottles stopped, I’ve used that. I don’t know what happened to the last non-mysterious bottle I had from the Crème, but I’m getting another one next morning anyway.”

“And that’s where you go for literally all of your water?”

“I get some with my breakfast.”

“Fair enough. Not that there would be an unfair answer to that. Well, I guess if you stole it.”

“Can I have the next question?”

“Your next question is... carry the zero... how do you survive on so little food?”

“I don’t need to eat much because I don’t really do anything most of the time. I’m just lying here all day.”

“Okay, this question was sent in by sikudahlu98: what’s your favourite flavour of Crème Crujiente doughnut?”

“I probably like the apple cider ones the best. The dichocolate ones are pretty good too.”

“Next question: why are you so racist?”

“I’m racist?”

“Just the kind of denial a racist would do.”

“I demand a quote.”

“‘I’m racist’ –Scootaloo.”

“That’s from after you asked me the question.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that you’re racist.”

“If you’re going to keep doing this, I’ll just stop talking to you.”

“Okay, for 10,000 bits, here’s the next question: do you clop to Rainbow Dash?”

“Who asked me that?”

“It’s on my list.”

“No....”

“Trailing off. Sounds like you’re lying.”

“I’m a foal.”

“So?”

“Not like a teenager, like a little foal.”

“I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt for now.”

“Is that actually on the list or are you just crazy?”

“It’s a little of both.”

“That doesn’t even—”

“Moving on, how do you feel about not being able to see Rainbow Dash for two to three weeks?”

“I was looking forward to it, but it’s not like it’s a regular thing for me to see her or anything. So I don’t lose anything.”

“How do you feel about the blockbuster film Your Girlfriend?”

“I haven’t seen it.”

“What?! I mean, okay, sounds good. Next question: camerapony #5 makes... hey, who wrote this one?”

Transcriber #2 raised her hoof.

“First you imdoorate the Sweet Apple Acres door and now this?”

Transcriber #2 nodded.

“Fuck you.”

Transcriber #2 shrugged.

“Is that what you want? Do you want me to fuck you? Because I’ll—”

“Look, I’m just sitting against this uncomfortable brick wall typing up the interview here, I don’t need you to do gritty rape on me.”

“Well, I don’t need your... blue... pegasus... um... yeah, your blue pegasusness. You look like you wanted to rip off Wonderbolt suits or Rainbow Dash but couldn’t decide which.”

“That’s racist.”

“So, Scootaloo, just a couple more questions. Have you ever stolen anything?”

“No, I’ve never gotten that desperate. The worst I’ve done is some annoying beggary.”

“You mean like pestering ponies walking by you all ‘Spare food?’?”

“Yep. I’m a foal and cute, so it usually works pretty well. Of course, the only thing on this random side street grid is a Crème Crujiente, so ponies don’t come by that often. But a lot of ponies in this neighbourhood know me, so, not meaning to mock them, but they think ‘aw, Scootaloo needs food, I should support her’, so they help sometimes.”

“I see. Next question. You’re so young, how do you know what CRTs are?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Okay. Final question.”

“Wait. Final question? You said there were a couple more questions two questions ago.”

“You know, ‘a couple’ doesn’t have to literally mean a couple,” camerapony #5 wrongly stated.

“Yes, it does. That’s what a few is for. Have you ever heard that word?”

“Look, xkcd did it first,” transcriber #2 said, “So can we just move on?”

“Final question,” camerapony #5 said, “What do you spend the most time thinking about when you’re curled up in your homeless pony box?”

“Mostly I act anxious about food, especially when I haven’t had any for the past day or so. I also have soppy thoughts about wishing Apple Bloom and/or Sweetie Belle were here, ‘cause I do get kinda lonely sometimes. Not that I’d want them to be in this situation, but you know. It’s not very often, but sometimes if it feels fun, I cry about it.”

“You should cry now, it’ll be good for the cameras.”

“No, it’s like, really rare. When I feel like acting soppy and I have nothing else to draw upon. But anyway, transcriber #2?”

“Oh. What?” transcriber #2 said.

“You look familiar, are you the same pony from my last chapter?”

“Yeah.”

“Not trying to be angry at you—okay, I am—but why were you so not wanting to talk with me?”

“You weren’t thinking about stuff. There’s nothing I actually hate about you.”

“You still don’t need my life coaching?”

“Still don’t need your life coaching.”

“Okay.”

Chapter 112: Butterscotch Gets a Job

On a drizzling morning in Ponyville, Butterscotch walked out of her house with a face sending out beam after beam of vitamin D-providing happiness with her life.

“Can I talk to the cameraponies to explain what I’m doing?” she said.

“Transcriber #3’ll read your mind,” camerapony #1 said.

“Don’t be all sarcastic, whichever camerapony you are.”

“Seriously, she’s a unicorn and she’ll read your mind. It’s kinda her job.”

“Prove it.”

“You’re going to an employment agency, partially because you want a job, and partly because you want to get away from your excessively rude older sister Arserscotch,” transcriber #3 said.

“Huh.”

“You know, you seem awfully sane compared to last time around,” camerapony #1 took back the conversation slot that was rightfully his.

“Well, you can be an obsessive fangirl and still be a normal pony.”

“Yeah, but you’re an RL stalker. That’s different.”

“As long as Big Mac doesn’t come up, I’m a normal pony.”

“We’ll see.”

And so some walking. The employment agency was, like everything else on its street, made on a budget, with bricks of modelling clay held together with glue. This one, at least, had some class, with grey clay consistently being used and opposed to the random mix of whatever brightly coloured clay they could find, sometimes within the same brick, that most of the buildings had.

Butterscotch entered into a room with perfectly smooth white walls, rounded corners you could comfortably put all four hooves on, and perfect cleanliness, the place clearly possessing some kind of terrible secret. The other side of the building had a door that presumably led out back, judging by the size of the room, which took up the entire floor and had no support pillars. The only features in the room were an equally clean, but pointed, staircase leading upwards, and a desk to someone entering the building’s right attended by a white pegasus with a laptop.

“Hi,” Butterscotch said.

“Hi,” Bleachy said. “I assume you’re looking for a job?”

She didn’t know that “95940935” would make Bleachy lower the centre of the floor, leading to a club that was mostly for sex but also board games. “Yeah.”

“Do you have any job-worthy talents?”

“I can calm down a crowd of crazy fangirls.”

Bleachy typed some stuff on her laptop. “It looks like there’s a job at an employment agency across town.”

“Where?”

“Oh, wait, no, it’s not across town....”

“What?”

“It’s right in this neighbourhood, actually. The address is 55 Rode Street.”

“Okay, thanks!”

“Yep.”

This was strange, Butterscotch thought; were there really two employment agencies on the same street? One seemed like the only correct number for the reasonability/having a plot balance. She looked at the number by the door of the place she just went out of, and as she thought she saw, it was a 55. She went back inside.

“Hi,” she said. “I heard there was a job being offered here?”

Bleachy pushed her laptop aside. “Yes, there’s a shift from midnight to four if you want it.”

“How much does it pay?”

“It’s two bits an hour.”

“I’m not sure if I want to be up that late for that.”

“Well, it’s the only offer we have.”

“I demand three bits an hour.”

“I’ll get the manager.”

Bleachy went up the staircase behind her and came back with a black (very dark grey, but basically black) stallion.

“This filly here wants three bits an hour for the 00–04 shift.”

“Do you have any previous experience in finding ponies jobs or assigning them to things?” the manager said.

“I can get a crazed pack of fangirls to obey my orders.”

“Not good enough. It’s two bits or you can’t have the job.”

“Fine. Then I won’t take it.”

“I’m sorry we couldn’t work out an agreement.” He turned around and headed back to the mysterious floor of management.

“Good riddance,” Butterscotch said to Bleachy. “In fact, not even good riddance. Bad riddance to you, whatever your name is.”

“It’s Bleachy.”

“Well, bad riddance to you, Miss Bleachy.”

“I’m married.”

“Badbye.”

And so Butterscotch stormed out and wondered what she should do. The only non-residential building in the Vitany area, she realised, was that employment agency, and it seemed like the only stupid easy job they had was for themselves. Why was it even there? Was she just unlucky? Why did she feel like she was enjoying the rain? Why did she feel like drinking directly collected rainwater? Whether it originated that way wasn’t the point, it needed to be straight from rain into a piece of drinkware. It wasn’t even sexual, she just really wanted it. She didn’t even know why. She would have to do that the next time it rained heavily....

Chapter 113: Igloo Collapse

One cold for July night in Ponyville, one of them had a door to answer.

“Hello?” Lyra said.

“You need to get the door first,” Octavia said.

“Right.” She got up from her pierogi and answered the door. “Hello?”

“You said that with an upward inflection as if you don’t know who I am,” camerapony #3 said.

“Sorry. Do you have a transcriber with you or is it just you?”

“There’s been one in your house since late last night.”

“Where?”

“Under your table.”

Camerapony #3 forced her way inside and closed the door. Lyra went back to the kitchen, lifted the side-covering tablecloth, and found transcriber #3 under there.

“She’s been there since last night?”

“Yes.”

“How did she get in?”

“Teleportation. You may notice she’s a unicorn.”

Lyra looked back at her for a moment. “Well, what am I supposed to do, get the entire house turned into an anti-magic zone?”

“Yes.”

“But I’m a unicorn, and sometimes I do magic here. And it would cost thousands of bits.”

“This isn’t what I came here to film. You’re behind on sexually assaulting Octavia.”

“Can I just surprise her a bunch of times tomorrow and then it’ll be made up?”

“That, or you could just do one extremely long kiss. And it would have to be standard-issue, not those weird ones you always do where you don’t even have your mouths open.”

“I’ll ask her.”

“Okay, because if you don’t do it by tomorrow, you’ll be sacked.”

“Just me?”

“Both of you. Unless Octavia agrees to sexually assault you daily, but come on.”

“I guess I have to do it, then. For her.”

“Do you have the drama flu or something?”

“Yes. You want me to give it to you?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“Just to be sarcastic.”

“Well, it could actually be useful for when I ask camerapony #4 if he wants to be my boyfriend.”

Lyra’s brief look of surprise made her feel heterophobic. “Okay... that’s weird. About wanting the drama flu, not the relationship.”

“I didn’t think that’s—”

“You don’t have to forgive me if you don’t think I deserve it. Which I don’t.”

“Drama flu?”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. I know I said I wouldn’t get with ponies just because I’m desperate, but I changed my mind. Camerapony #4’s a good friend of mine and—”

“You’re a camerapony, nopony cares about your romantic life. So, Octavia, how do you feel about the transcriber in our house?”

“We agreed that they could do this.”

“But I didn’t think they actually would.”

“I assumed they had been since we signed it.”

“It’s not creepy that we’ve been watched this whole time to you?”

“Of course it’s creepy, but I assumed it was happening.”

“So am I just dumb?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“So yes.”

They felt very uncomfortable despite their ergonomically designed Inverted Che Manufacturing brand chairs.

“So I still need to sexually assault you,” Lyra said. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

“Dammit.”

Chapter 114: The Third Episode of Withstander

“Last time on Withstander: Corvidae Islands!” Pinkie Pie said. “CMTR lost a swimming challenge because half their team were foals, so they voted off Sweetie Belle since she sucked the most. Who will be metaphorically killed this week on Withstander?!”

“This don’t look good,” Applejack said.

“Butterscotch is holding my leg and rubbing her muzzle into it?” Big Mac said.

“That too. But Ah’m just cookin’ this rice an’ Ah don’t think we have enough.”

“So smaller rations?”

“We just won’t feed Butterscotch.”

Big Mac looked down at Butterscotch. “How did you get in before Fluttershy?”

“Why? Do you wuv her?”

“Eeeeenope....”

“Ah heard an ellipsis,” Applejack said. “Tell the truth.”

“So what if I have something for her?”

“Whah? Have you ever even met?”

“A lot of ponies have love interests they haven’t met before.”

“That just leaves one question, then: whah?”

“Because of personality matching compatibility times.”

“It seems random to me.”

“Do you have a problem with me loving Fluttershy?”

“Ah don’t think you actually love ‘er anyway, you just have a little crush.”

“I’ll tell her how I feel. If she doesn’t love me, I’ll forget about it.”

“Ah still don’ understand where the hell this came from all of a sudden, but fahne. You’re gonna get over this in lahke a day anyway.”

“hELLO!” Pinkie said. “aND WELCOME TO THE MANDATORY PUZZLE CHALLENGE!”

“Aren’t the swimmin’ an’ puzzle challenges usually just one?” Applejack said.

“yES, INDEED THEY ARE! bUT WE ARE DIFFERENT! dEVIANT! uNUSUAL! fOR THIS CHALLENGE, YOU MUST SOLVE MY MAZE A 900-PIECE JIGSAW PUZZLE! tO ASSIST YOUR SOLVATION, THE COMPLETED PUZZLE PICTURES A PHRASE IN SANSKRIT. nOW PLEASE DETARP YOUR PUZZLE TABLES.”

Twilight and Lyra magicked the tarps off their respective tables.

“wITHSTANDERS READY?!”

“Yeah!”

“gO!”

Twilight solved the puzzle in three seconds.

“pzge JVA VAIHYARENOVYVGL!”

CMTR cheered wildly.

“CNYXXVBFV!” She detarped an implied table. “A choice between two hundred litres of water or two bags of brown rice!”

CMTR huddled for a few seconds.

“We want water,” Twilight said.

“Then you can take it! I don’t know how you’ll transport it all, but Jambalaya managed it!”

“Ah can’t believe we actually lost a challenge,” Applejack said, making the leadership complex the game was giving her even more evident.

“We know who to vote off,” Big Mac said, looking down at Butterscotch.

“I think we should vote off Lyra,” Butterscotch said. “Octavia’s smart, you and AJ and I are all athletic, camerapony #3 will probably get some dumb bilingual pun, but what’s Lyra good for? And don’t say magic, that’s favouring her because she’s a unicorn and that’s racism.”

Applejack and Big Mac looked at each other from Butterscotch.

“So we’re voting off Butterscotch?” Lyra said.

“There’s no other choice,” camerapony #3 said.

“I think it’s the only reasonable decision,” Octavia said.

“Welcome to Teamal Council,” Pinkie said. “I have a problem with my computer.”

“Rub some bacon on it,” Applejack said.

“Good discussion. Now vote.”

“You’re fuckin’ useless,” Applejack said about her vote.

“I’m sorry, but you don’t have a purpose in the team,” Lyra said.

“Nopony would care if you died,” camerapony #3 said.

“I’ll tally the votes,” Pinkie said before retrieving the votes. “If you get the most votes, you’re out. Now I’ll actually tally the votes instead of getting them. First vote: Butterscotch.”

Butterscotch started biting her nonexistent nails.

“Second vote: Lyra.”

Lyra suddenly became unable to stay perfectly still due to consciousness of her body parts.

“Butterscotch.”

“Butterscotch.”

Butterscotch regulated her breathing a bit.

“Third pony voted off Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Butterscotch.”

Butterscotch walked up to Pinkie.

“Butterscotch, all your friends hate you.”

And so Butterscotch, who still needs a two-syllable name, left the game.

“Well, you had to vote off Butterscotch,” Pinkie said, “But really, who cares? Good night.”

“I can’t believe everypony voted for me,” Butterscotch said, “Even Big Mac. He seemed to like me when he came to the club. Oh well, I’m sure he didn’t mean it, it’s just a game. He likes me, but he’s not going to let me stay in just because he likes me. It was the right thing.”

Chapter 115: Faust of the Rings

Rainbow Dash woke up in her fancy bedroom in her otherwise middle-class house to find that a note had been placed onto her.

“Dear Rainbow Dash, if you look under your bed, you will find two gold-plated rings ten centimetres in diameter. Twilight and Applejack have also been given two rings, and Lyra, Octavia, Scootaloo, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity have each been given one. Whoever presents the greatest number of these rings at the headquarters of our company between 23:55 today and 00:05 tomorrow will receive ten thousand bits. Literally, camerapony #2.

“Damn, that sounds fun and dangerous and awesome....”

Twilight got out of the lavatory having finished boring morning things, took the rings off her bed, and set off on the search for Spike. So basically she went to that room with the thing in the middle. You know, the thing. The big thing.

“Spike, I was looking for you. Did you read the letter like I told you to?”

“Yeah, that sounds fun and dangerous and awesome!”

“I was wondering if maybe you could help me and then I’d give you a cut of the money.”

“Can I steal all of our collected rings at the last second and get the prize for myself?”

“No. Well, you can, but good luck separating me from them.”

“Fine. So what should I do?”

“Actually, here, take them.” She gave Spike the rings. “Put them somewhere safe. I’m going to murder Scootaloo by hacking at her throat with a carving knife.”

“What?!”

“It’s an expression, Spike.”

“You know, there’s a difference between a metaphor and an—”

“I know.”

“But you of all ponies—”

“Just lock them away somewhere until I come back.”

“Okay.”

Rarity’s door got knocked. Not like that, imagine how desperate that pony would have to be.

“Sweetie Belle, could you get that? I don’t want to take any risks with the prize.”

Sweetie Belle came diagonally and answered the door.

“Hi, Applejack,” Sweetie Belle said.

Applejack picked her up and threw her against a wall with Applejack-esque strength. Sweetie Belle hit the wall and fell both unconscious and to the floor. The noise convinced Rarity to come there herself.

“Applejack, what did you just do to Sweetie Belle?”

“Ah threw her against a wall ta knock ‘er out.”

“I’m the one with the ring, what made that necessary? She probably has a concussion at best!”

“Just gimme the ring, it’ll be a lot shorter an’ more bone-preservin’ that way.”

“Over my dead body!”

“If those’re your terms, that’s what Ah’ll do.”

Rarity went bipedal, giving Applejack an easy shot at her chest. Rarity fell onto her back and Applejack got over her. No, not like that, Faust. Applejack stood directly above Rarity, looking down at her, and put a hoof onto her head, keeping a good amount of pressure on it. No, not like that, Faust.

“Where’s mah ring?”

“It’s upstairs, I’ll get it.”

“Ah’m followin’ ya.”

Rarity also had the ring on the bed it was placed under, and as it happened, Opal was sleeping on it. She levitated her to a different part of the bed, waking her up, and held the ring in front of Applejack. She took it in her mouth and ran out.

“If I can just find a way to look away from Opal,” Rarity said, “I can get Sweetie Belle to the hospital.”

Scootaloo saw Twilight suddenly teleport in front of her.

“Hi, Twilight,” Scootaloo said. Twilight held her firmly via magic.

“I know you have a ring, so give it to me.”

Scootaloo didn’t give it to her. Despite the fact that she could have easily taken the ring with the same magic, she strangled her instead, and then did it. Next stop was Rarity, so she did another teleportation and knocked the door, but nothing happened.

“Not answering the door. Interesting tactic....”

Rainbow did not knock Fluttershy’s door like that.

“I’m very busy,” an easily visible Fluttershy yelled (i.e., spoke at normal volume) from across the room, “I can’t get to you right now.”

“Fluttershy, I can see you through the door windows. You’re not doing anything.”

“So? I don’t want anypony else in my house at the moment.”

“Fluttershy, hoof over the ring or I’m gonna break your fucking door down.”

“You wouldn’t do that....”

“Yes, I would. Just give it to me, it’s not like you’re gonna do anythin’ to win this.”

“I understand what you’re saying, but I’m not going to give it away. And besides, you could hurt yourself if it doesn’t work.”

“Fluttershy, I’m seriously gonna do it. Then when I win, I’ll pay for a new door, maybe.”

“Rainbow, you’ll hurt—”

Rainbow flew a small distance away from Fluttershy’s house, then circled back to fly at high speed at her door. She dramatically shattered it, but couldn’t slow down quickly enough and flew headlong into the back wall, which held up much better and knocked her unconscious. Also, she isn’t bleeding since she’s animated, but do necks bend that way? That looks bad.

“I don’t care much for the idea,” Octavia said.

“But it’s fun and dangerous and awesome,” Lyra said, thinking that Octavia liked any of these things.

“The ring they gave me is still under the bed. You can have it if you want.”

“For Faust’s sakes, Octavia, there’s a surprise game of Hunger Games meets starchips and you’re all... not fun.”

“Sorry, but this is a blatantly life-threatening thing to do.”

“And fun and awesome! Seriously, lighten up a little!”

“I thought you loved me because that’s exactly the kind of thing I never do. Do you even like me anymore?”

“I love you, you know that. I just wish you could be more like a clone of me sometimes.”

“If you really want to join in, I won’t stop you. Just don’t blame me when you die.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. Now I’m going to use my magic skills to murder Pinkie Pie.”

“What?”

“You know, that baker, she saved—”

“I meant the murder part.”

“It’s an expression. For Faust’s sakes....”

And so Lyra walked all the way to Sugarcube Corner, too inconfident in her teleportation skills to teleport there.

“Hi, Lyra!”

“I don’t know where you’re keeping your ring, but give it to me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do. Give it to me or I’ll—”

“No, I seriously don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. If you don’t give yours to me, I’ll—”

“Lyra, I don’t know what you’re talking ab—”

Lyra began the magical asphyxiation. It wasn’t as easy as Twilight made it look, but it wasn’t hard. Pinkie tried to say she surrendered multiple times, but failed for obvious reasons.

“Now, where would she hide it...” Lyra thought, and said, to herself.

“We’ve got some new information on Sweetie Belle,” Generic Doctor Even Though a Doctor Character Exists said.

“Yes?” Rarity said.

“It’s hard for me to tell anypony this, but... it’s as I’d feared.”

“You don’t mean....”

“She’s not with us anymore.”

Ooh, Rarity’s gonna cry, we can’t miss this!

“She’s been transferred to room 141.”

“What?”

“Room 141.”

“So she’s not dead?”

“She’s alive and well. Well, not well, she’s still unconscious. But she’s alive.”

“Where is room 141?”

“Just head that way, it’s on the right.”

“Thank you.”

“What?”

“I said ‘thank you’.”

“What does that mean?”

“Sweetie Belle?” Rarity said as if she was going to get an answer. She walked up to Sweetie Belle’s bed. “Sweetie Belle, I’m so sorry, I was so selfish... you could have died and it’s my fault. You never did anything to deserve this, the only reason this happened is because I was so selfish and cowardly and many more negative adjectives.”

Having seen a hoof and knowing that seeing just a part of them would bug her for the rest of the week, Rarity went to see who Sweetie Belle’s roommate was.

“Rainbow Dash...?” Rarity said as if she would get an answer from her.

“She has a remarkably similar injury to Sweetie Belle,” Nursy said. “It’s a good day for me to be a specialist in head and neck injuries caused by heavy aerial contact with walls.”

“Who brought her in?”

“Fluttershy. She left shortly after, I don’t know why, but at least she didn’t dramatically cry.”

Meanwhile, Fluttershy went into Rainbow’s house, which wasn’t locked, to look for her rings.

“I never dramatically cried,” Rarity said. “And there isn’t anything wrong with it anyway.”

“I didn’t say you did.”

“You implied I did.”

“I didn’t imply anything.”

“But that sounded like an insult directed at me.”

“That’s not how I meant it.”

“Fine. I’m going to stare at Sweetie Belle until she wakes up.”

“Okay.”

“The twelve rings are currently held in even number by four ponies,” Poorly-Lit Chocolate announced to the lobby of Programme Productions, pointing to no particular spot on a giant television. “Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Lyra. It’ll be high noon momentarily. It is now high noon. In twelve hours—”

“We know the rules,” Soymilk Chocolate said.

“Right. So Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Lyra, then. Looks like Twilight is heading for Fluttershy’s house, but of course, we know that Fluttershy is actually hiding out at Rainbow’s. I wonder how she’ll react to the broken door.”

Twilight went up to Fluttershy’s house and didn’t knock the door because it was broken into what were now ordinary wood fragments strewn across the floor.

“That’s weird.” She went inside. “Fluttershy? Where are you?”

Meanwhile at the place of Twilight, camerapony #3 and Spike were watching television.

“Are you sure under the sink is the best place for them?” camerapony #3 said.

“It’ll be fine. By the time somepony comes in, I can get there and scratch them up like a cat.”

“Sure.”

“Are you sayin’ I couldn’t? ‘Cause I could prove it on you right now, mothaf—austa.”

“I mean when you meet a pony with actual combat skills like, say, Applejack.”

“Oh. Well, I could still beat her.”

“I guess we’ll find out.”

Applejack went into Fluttershy’s house.

“Hey, how’d this happen?” she said.

“Applejack?”

“Twahlaht?”

Twilight magically restrained her.

“Y’know, Ah can still twitch a li’l’ even if you do this. An’ you still hafta concentrate.”

“So?”

“Ah could stay here all day.”

“Tell me where you keep your rings.”

“Ah don’ ‘ave any, Ah lost ‘em all ta Rainbow.”

“I don’t believe you.” Twilight cut off her air for a few seconds.

“They’re in the purposeless base.”

She teleported away.

“Ah thought Ah had this....”

“When do you plan to go back out?” Octavia said.

“I told you, after I finish this sandwich.”

“I know, but we’re on.”

Lyra looked at the camera for a moment. “Oh. Sorry. So, on a different subject, I think I still need to assault you today.”

“Could you not do it whilst you’re eating?”

“Yeah, I’ll do it sometime tonight. I don’t know why, but I sort of feel like petting you right now.”

“Like petting my mane to comfort me? Because I don’t feel nervous about the elevated chance of armed robbery at the moment.”

“Really? That’s what you think it is?” She gave her a moment, but she didn’t answer. “It’s sexual, you caudex.”

“Big Mac?” Applejack said because she was back at Sweet Apple Acres.

“Eeyup?”

“Ah got somethin’ Ah gotta tell ya.”

“Eeyup?”

“Ah lost all the rings to Twahlaht.”

“I have an idea, so we’ll need to wait until we’re off camera.”

Silence.

“So until then,” Applejack said, “Anythin’ you wanna talk about?”

Big Mac didn’t respond.

“Yeah, Ah know you’re not really one for small talk.”

Big Mac didn’t respond.

“It’s ridiculous,” Lyra said. “If one pony makes a grammar mistake, then it’s a mistake, but if everypony does it, then it’s just ‘corruption’.”

Knock-knock!

“You remembered to lock it this time, right, Octavia?”

“Yes.”

Twilight sent the door to the fifth dimension.

“You’ll never take them!” Lyra said before charging at Twilight without actually thinking of a plan. Twilight sidestepped just as Lyra was about to reach her and she ran into the doorway. She didn’t fall unconscious, instead clutching her head in pain. Twilight walked up to Octavia.

“They’re under the sink,” Octavia said, pointing towards the lavatory. Twilight got them and came back.

“I hope your house gets described sometime,” Twilight said.

“Thank you.”

And so Twilight left for her (tree)house.

“Octavia...” Lyra said.

“Yes?”

“Can you get me to a hospital...?”

“Yes.”

“I’m about to pass... paaass....” And then she fell unconscious.

Twilight put another three rings under the lavatory sink. “There. As long I can keep these, nopony can possibly catch up to me. I should probably tell Spike.”

Spike and camerapony #3 were watching a mini-golf tournament when Twilight walked in looking extremely proud of herself.

“Hey, Twilight,” Spike said.

“What are you so happy about?” camerapony #3 said. “You look more proud than Rarity.”

“There are nine rings under the sink now,” Twilight said. “Just have to keep them and I win.”

“You?” Spike said. “What about me? I helped.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“I made the hiding spot.”

“I could’ve found a place just as good. You’re not getting any of the money.”

“Fine. I don’t need money anyway.”

“What would you use money for? You’d probably waste it on a bunch of food.”

“You can’t prove that. Unless you give me money, of course.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway, because you’re not getting any.”

“Fine.”

It was two hours to midnight, and Twilight was still sure she had it all wrapped up in tacky Faustmas wrapping paper with a cute pink bow. But a knock of the door was heard!

“Don’t answer it,” Twilight said.

Applejack taekwondoed Twilight’s (unlocked) door open.

“Just a second,” Twilight said. She teleported into the lavatory and got the rings. “Now, how’ll I get out of here discreetly... oh, wait, yeah.” She took the screen out of one of the windows and climbed out.

Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Scootaloo all funnelled into the room with Spike and camerapony #3.

“Hi,” Spike said.

“Do you know where Twilight is?” Pinkie said with a tone like they were at a party.

“Why should I tell you?”

“If you don’t,” Applejack said, “Then Ah’ll cause ya severe limb damage.”

“She’s in the lavatory. You should probably wait until she gets out.”

“Can’ Ah just kick the door down?” Applejack said.

“That would be incredibly rude.”

Twilight went through the revolving door of Programme Productions feeling that emotion that’s slightly happier than content where you’re not excited, but damn, are you enjoying your life. The front right corner of the lobby, unlike the rest of the room whose only adjectives were “white” and “tiled”, was just what she was hoping for, with a few suspiciously soft and comfortable chairs around a few tables with magazines, all on a carpet with a complex pattern that no one ever stopped to appreciate. They didn’t forget the telly in the corner of the ceiling, but they did forget the potted plant.

“It’s not 23:55 yet,” said Cacao Butter, the concierge.

“I know, I’m just hanging out here until it is.”

“There’s no rule against it, so okay.”

“Ah’m breakin’ in,” Applejack said. She punched the door really hard. “Hmm. Either ah you got any ahdeas?”

“Maybe if you asked politely,” Pinkie said.

“Hmm. Hey, Twahlaht, can you open the door?” She didn’t answer. “Nope.”

“Try the opposite of asking politely,” Scootaloo said.

“Didn’t Ah do that?”

“Ask meanly. Like make a threat.”

“Hey, Twahlaht. Let us in or Ah’ll snap one ah your books.” She didn’t answer. “Ah’m serious, Ah’m really gonna do it.” She didn’t answer. “Fahne, Ah ain’t actually.”

“This is hard,” Pinkie said.

At the stroke of 23:55, Twilight was standing right in front of the desk, and she put the rings on.

“Here, nine rings. I win.”

Cacao Butter counted the rings. “Looks good. We’ll send you a cheque tomorrow.”

“Thanks.”

“np”

Chapter 116: I Can Do Anything I Want, So I’ll Choose an Appledash Scene

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Applejack said.

“Rainbow,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Rainbow who?”

“Rainbow Dash, pony famous primarily for saving the world.”

Applejack opened the door. “Hi, Rainbow.”

“Hi. They made me come over here, but I was gonna do it anyway.”

“Cool. Ah was plannin’ to go out and sell some apples in a few minutes, though.”

“You can push it back a bit, right?”

“If it means Ah can talk about how sad Ah was when you were gone again again again.”

“Are we havin’ wild sex or not?”

“‘Course we are. Come on, we can do it in the secret base.”

And so they went into the base and had sex on the laminate that was very obviously laminate but everyone still fucking asked, oh my fucking God, you do not even know. Can they really not tell? I guess it looks okay up close, but the tiling of the pattern is so fucking obvious, they should be able to tell.

“Are you gonna clean me up?” Rainbow said.

“Ah lahke ya better lahke this.”

“I cleaned you up.”

“Eat me out and Ah can talk about mah sadness and we can be havin’ sex an’ you can feel kahnda submissive to me all at once. Again.”

“I want that, don’t I?”

“Only you know the answer.”

The answer was yes. It didn’t help with Rainbow’s cleanliness problem, or it helped with her cleanliness problem, depending on what you feel like. Applejack didn’t say anything you couldn’t already guess.

“You know, we can’t just come out of here with me covered in your cum.”

“Whah not?”

“You know why not. I’m good, so can you lick me and we can leave?”

“Then you’ll just be covered in a different thing you shouldn’t.”

“Your girlfriend wants you to do it, so be soppy and do it.”

“What if Ah told ya to cut off your wings ta prove your love to me? Would you do it? No, you’d break up with me ‘cause Ah was a fuckin’ crazy pony.”

“Yeah, but that’s way more than what I’m asking you to do.”

“Fahne. If it’s over anyway.”

That happened, boring the transcriber so much that

“Get up,” camerapony #1 said.

“Mmm...?”

“They’re leaving, you need to transcribe.”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep....”

“Well, I didn’t mean to break that pony’s window when I was ten, but I was still held accountable for it. Come on.”

Everyone went out of the base, ready for talking that simply could not be done underground, but there was another reason.

“So I have to do some stuff in Cloudsdale.”

“You have to do some stuff in Cloudsdale?”

“I’m a pegasus who lives near Chill Edge.”

“You’re an earth pony.”

“What are you talking about? I’m Rainbow Dash, future greatest race flyer in the world.”

“You’re Applejack.”

“I don’t—” she broke into a short coughing fit. “Ah can’t handle any more ah sounds.”

“But you’re Rainbow Dash.”

“Ah’m actually me and not you, but all right.”

Chapter 117: The Octavia-asking Portion of Compiling a List of Rarity’s Flaws

“Hello,” Lyra said to the Twilight at the door.

“Hi, Lyra,” Twilight said. “Where’s Octavia? I was supposed to do a scene with her.”

“She left for your house.”

“Hi,” Spike said to the Octavia at the door.

“Hello, Spike,” Octavia said. “Where’s Twilight? I was supposed to do a scene with her.”

“She left for your house.”

“Then I’ll head ba—” Octavia stopped talking when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see who, or what, this could be. “Oh, it’s you.”

“Hi, Octavia. I just teleported here.”

“You didn’t have to tap my shoulder like that. A simple hello would’ve sufficed.”

“I also don’t have to eat food, a few cubes of nutrients would suffice. So what should we do for the scene?”

“I don’t know. Do you have any ideas?”

“No. Do you have any ideas, Spike?”

“No.”

“Do we have any common interests?” Octavia said.

“Not off the top of my head. No, wait.”

“Yes?”

“You like Rarity?”

“That’s correct.”

“Why? How?”

“She’s fancy.”

“Yeah, but she’s a jerk.”

“She’s been polite and interesting when I’ve talked with her.”

“Are we talking about the same Rarity? White fur, purple mane, unicorn, saved the world?”

“Is it wrong of me to like somepony?”

“So you’re in love?”

“No, we’re just friends because we have similar opinions on how to live.”

“So if you had dissident opinions, you would be in love?”

“You know what I mean.”

“You can’t be friends because of one personality trait.”

“We feel rich even though we both barely make enough money to feed ourselves.”

“What about if you both didn’t have ponies leeching off you?”

“I wouldn’t be that negative about it. Rarity’s a guardian, and I could force Lyra to leave if I wanted to, such as the time I did.”

“Ugh....”

“What?”

“It’s just that you’re like Rarity without all the flaws. Wait a second, you’re like Rarity without all the flaws!” Twilight hugged Octavia for a few seconds. She stood there and accepted the hug, but didn’t do anything. “Come on, don’t be so shy about it. Don’t you want a hug, new Rarity?”

“Sorry, but... no....”

“That’s okay. So how about that Lyra? You love her.”

“Yes, although she isn’t quite acting the way she was when I fell in love with her. She hasn’t become rude or anything, she’s still friendly, but... that’s all a different story. Are you actually replacing Rarity with me or not? Because I’d feel incredibly out of place....”

“I’ll see what the others think. Should we go inside?”

“Okay.”

“So you’re actually giving this idea of replacing Rarity serious consideration?”

“Why not? You’re her, but better.”

“I wouldn’t say that. Rarity’s a good pony.”

“Oh, yeah, that reminds me. We wanted Rarity to fix herself and I was going to ask you which things you thought were problems, but I never actually got around to it.”

“Why would you want to ask me about that?”

“So that she can fix all the problems without changing the good parts of her personality.”

“Okay, but I might be a little biased for this since I like her.”

“It’ll be fine. I can’t think of an actual reason it’ll be fine, but it will be. First question: Rarity hates everypony who doesn’t share all of her moral values. Is this a bad thing?”

“I think the question should be ‘Does Rarity hate everypony—”

“Just answer the question.”

“But I don’t think she thinks that.”

“Well, she does, you just don’t know her well enough. So answer the question.”

“If she really is intolerant, then I suppose that’s a bad thing.”

“Thank you. Next question: Rarity is prudish. Is this a bad thing?”

“I don’t think there’s really any problem with being prudish.”

“So you think she’s all mature or something.”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being prudish.”

“Okay. Next question: Rarity is a clean freak.”

“Just because you clean your house every day doesn’t mean you’re crazy.”

“Interesting. Next question: Rarity is boring.”

“I disagree, Rarity is nice to talk with. Just because you don’t have similar interests or morals to her, that doesn’t make her a bad pony.”

“If you say so. Next question: Rarity is constantly bugging her friends for favours that require staying in one place for two hours whilst she uses your body to test clothes.”

“You could always decline to help her.”

“But she pressures you into doing it because ‘you’re her friend’.”

“You could still decline to help her.”

“I’ll try that sometime. Next question: Rarity is vain.”

“I have to admit, I agree with that one.”

“Okay. So Rarity is intolerant and egotistical.”

“Yes. The other things you brought up are actually signs of maturity.”

“I see. I’ll report the results to her.”

“Okay. So are we done?”

“I guess so.”

“I just feel silly coming here for only a minute or two.”

“Well, what are we supposed to do? Eat something?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Neither am I.”

Silence.

“I haven’t had sex with Rainbow in a week and I’m going crazy,” Twilight said.

“A week and you’re going crazy?”

“Uh-huh. Do you have any idea what I was like when she was gone for three weeks?”

“I heard about the cardboard cutout.”

“You were the only one who didn’t laugh at me. Besides one of my pillows.”

“I was more disturbed than amused.”

“So you still didn’t like me for it?”

“I don’t dislike you for it, that seems bigoted, but I won’t lie. I thought it was strange.”

“I’m going to see if Spike’s hungry. Where is he?”

“I’ve been right there the whole time,” Spike said.

“Oh,” Twilight said. “Good. Are you hungry?”

“No.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Silence.

“I guess we can end the chapter, then,” Twilight said. “Can I get paid yet? Because... well, it isn’t important why we need to need to end it right now. I know you know, but don’t tell them, Spike.”

“Why not?”

“I’ll give you whatever fatty food you want, just don’t say it in front of the cameras.”

She was behind on a subject in her studies.

Chapter 118: What Happened When I Tried to Write Scootalove (Don’t Worry, It’s Not Porn)

Somewhere at Octavia’s kitchen table...

“So,” Lyra said.

“What?” Scootaloo responded pertinently.

“We have to do a chapter together.”

“I know. Is there a problem with that?”

“No. I mean, we like each other, don’t we?”

“Yeah. It’s not like I idolise you so much I wish you were my sister, but you seem nice.”

“Everypony wishes you were sisters.”

“I know, but especially me. I wish I could just spend a day talking with her, you know?”

“I know. When did you first decide you liked Fluttershy?”

“What?”

“You know, Rainbow Dash.”

“You just said Fluttershy.”

“Oh. I meant to say Rainbow Dash.”

“We could arrange that meeting, you know,” camerapony #1 said.

“In general or right now?” Scootaloo said.

“I was thinking in general, but we can do it right now if you want.”

“What about me?”

“Octavia’s finished with her chapter and she’s coming here right now. Do stuff with her.”

The event recording crew and Scootaloo exited the house, meaning the transcriber had to transcribe what it looked like outside. Or did she?

“The vehicle should be here any minute,” camerapony #1 said. “Put this blindfold on.”

“Where did you get this?”

“Put it on.”

She put the blindfold on. Don’t ask.

“Put this hearing retardant on.”

She put the headphones on. You can ask about that if you want.

“Do you see or hear this comical object?”

“All I see is light green and all I hear are the shrieks of departed souls.”

“Excellent.”

After a few minutes during which Scootaloo tried to figure out what the hell an astericks was since Apple Bloom had mentioned one yesterday, a pickup truck arrived. She was thrown into the bed of the F-151, because I know this will shock you but Mew does, in fact, exist, the staff got in, and the transport could begin.

“Did you have to throw her in that steep an arc?” transcriber #3 said.

“She only fell maybe a metre. And the leg-flailing was hilarious!”

“Well, that’s true.”

They set off for the helipad, camerapony #1 making “neeeooo” sounds and unnecessary opposite lock the whole way there.

“Screeeech!” camerapony #1 said as they arrived.

“I wish I was the one with the headphones.”

“Come on.”

They got out of the pickup truck and Scootaloo was magicarried into the helicopter.

“We’re here,” camerapony #1 said.

The pilot looked back at them. “Okay. Could one of you close the door?”

Transcriber #3, being the one with less dialogue, closed the door. The pilot put the key in the ignition and turned it, but the helicopter wouldn’t start.

“You better get it started before the axe murderer comes,” camerapony #1 said. “I hear he’s killed four axes already.”

“I’m trying.” He took the key halfway out, put it back in, took it halfway out, put it back in, and turned it. The helicopter’s engines revved, he pulled a lever down, and the helicopter went up, leaving a huge trail of smoke behind it.

The helicopter landed just metres from the edge of Cloudsdale and the staff got out, Scootaloo on camerapony #1’s back. The helicopter went back down, and a minute of waiting for the other to say something first later, a lorry backed into the heaven-like empty tract of cloud from behind a tree. The driver got out and went up to them.

“Is that Scootaloo?”

“Yep,” camerapony #1 said.

“Didn’t know she was into that kinda thing.”

“Oh, we’re not having sex with her. We just wanted to deliver her to Rainbow Dash’s house.”

“Well, there’s plenty o’ room in the back.”

They went into the cargo area, whatever it’s called, and he closed the door, or whatever it’s called, leaving them in darkness that wasn’t perfect, but it tried, and that’s what counts. The tyres struggled to find grip on the cloud, but the lorry was still able to get going with some cool tyre tracks being the only real consequence. Nothing happened on the way to their destination, not even a mouse, and the lorry stopped so abruptly they flew, not rolled, into the door.

“What was that?” Scootaloo said. “Am I in a vehicle with a wall?”

“Does she expect us to answer her?” transcriber #3 said.

The driver opened the door. Then their driver opened the door to the cargo bay.

“Ah reckon yous can all exit the loading area nowz0rz,” he said.

They stood up, transcriber #3 put Scootaloo on her back, and they left without a word.

“Crap,” camerapony #1 said. Navigating the grid between tall buildings-type thing Cloudsdale had going on was easy, assuming you didn’t forget any directions, but that goes for everything ever so I don’t know what my point is. Wait, it’s that they forgot a direction. “Did he say Wright Street, Right Street, or Rite Street?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Well, we’re on Rite now, and we’re supposed to turn here, right?”

“I think it’s Wright.”

“I think we have to turn here too, but I’m not sure. But... I think he said Wright.”

“Right, that’s what I think.”

“Really? Now I’m even less sure. You should call him.”

She called him.

“Hello?”

“This is transcriber #3. We’re at the Right-Wright intersection, which way is it?”

“Right.”

“Okay, thanks.” She hung up. “He said right.”

“Then we’ll do that.”

They went right onto Wright Street. After they walked for a few minutes, dialogue happened.

“If this is right, we should be there by now,” transcriber #3 said.

“Maybe it’s Right.”

“No, we’ve definitely gone too far.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“Do you want to turn around or not?”

“Yes.”

They went back to Right, and after walking for a couple minutes, they saw their golf cart right by the entrance to Awning Hotel.

“There it is,” camerapony #1 said.

“Yep, I see it.”

Luckily, they were both talking about the golf cart, so they went halfway to it, then went halfway to it, then went halfway to it, then went halfway to it, then got in and began the final leg of their journey. Not that metaphorical life journey, the literal one they’re on right now. Well, they’re always on the life one, but you know what I mean. They drove to Rainbow Dash’s house without getting lost like a player of a video game you like where navigation can be hard.

“Screeeech!” camerapony #1 said as he stopped the cart. They went onto the porch and transcriber #3 dropped Scootaloo from her magic.

“Ow,” Scootaloo said. “Hey, this feels like wood. Motorised vehicles don’t have that on their surfaces in my home culture.”

Transcriber #3 took the blindfold and headphones off.

“Holy crap,” Scootaloo said. “Is that a doorbell?”

She rang the doorbell and told herself she was doing things for thirty seconds before Rainbow got the door.

“ohai Scootaloo!”

“Hi, Rainbow Dash. I wanted to see your fancy new house.”

“Well, it’s pretty middle-class, and it’s two hundred years old. It is mine and a house, though.”

“Two hundred years isn’t that old for a house. It’s not new, but—”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Not new. Come on, come inside.”

And so she did.

“Wow...” Scootaloo said.

“What? Are you still not over the doorbell?”

“I’ve never seen a house so indescribable before....”

“So should I show you around?”

“Sure.”

“So first, this room. Obviously it’s the living room. Well, in practice, it’s a lying on the couch watching telly room, but ponies can use it to live too if they want.”

“Is this entire chapter going to be jokes about rooms?”

“We can just clock wipe it if you want.”

“That’s probably what we should do.”

It clock wiped to them in the fancy bedroom.

“Why would you need a bed that big?” Scootaloo said.

“Oh, you know, no reason. Impulse buy.”

“It’s a bed.”

“Well, I... roll around in my sleep a lot....”

“Have you secretly been dating Applejack or something?”

“Um... well, I guess you should know. I’ve been with Applejack since December. Only a small group of ponies know.”

“Shocker. You know, you should tell everypony. We, as in all intelligent life, have been waiting for you to get together and everypony would be really happy to hear that it’s already been happening for months.”

“Well, yeah, but... they’d feel betrayed that they’ve been lied to so long.”

“It’s gonna get out sometime, and it’s best if it’s from you. Or Applejack. Doesn’t really matter, the point is that you admit it.”

“I’ll run it by AJ and see what she wants to do right now. But as long as you know this, there’s something else you should know.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m also in a relationship with Twilight.”

“What.”

“Yeah.”

“How did that happen?”

“Because we were spending way too much time together for me being Rainbow and her being Twilight and we had to admit it eventually.”

“But... but....”

“Yeah.”

“But Twilight’s just like, like, a second girlfriend, right?”

“Yeah. AJ’s my primary.”

“Good. So what long hours did you spend with Applejack before you admitted it?”

“Uh....”

“What?”

“We didn’t really talk that much. We do now, of course, but....”

“Okay. So anyway, you should tell everypony. They’d be happy to hear it once they got over the whole being lied to for months thing.”

“Like I said, I’ll see what AJ thinks.”

“Okay.”

The conversation ended.

“Still trying to process everything?”

“No.”

“Anything you want?”

“A random Scootalove cuddle would be nice. I mean, that’s what everypony’s been waiting through the entire chapter for.”

“Sure.”

“Well, we can’t just randomly cuddle, it has to come naturally.”

The conversation got delayed for a second.

“You’re awesome, Scootaloo,” Rainbow said. They went on the bed and, through a series of awkward position changes, got to a point where Scootaloo was nestled cutely between her chest and legs. Rainbow pulled her ear with her tee—wait, no, that’s from something else.

Chapter 119: Disturbing Revelation Day

“Come on, Twilight!” Spike said. “Aren’t you excited for Disturbing Revelation Day?”

“There aren’t any disturbing revelations about my life, Spike.”

“You probably have a lot of Applejack’s saliva most of the time.”

“Huh?”

“Through Rainbow. She kisses her and then you.”

“That is a little disturbing....”

Knock-knock.

“I delegate the answering of the door to you,” Twilight said.

And so Spike got the door.

“You’re not Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Why isn’t anypony ever looking for me?”

“I can so relate to that,” Rarity said, watching this chapter live with her popcorn.

Rainbow pushed Spike out of the way and went in. He slammed the door with anger.

“Rainbow!” Twilight said. She ran over and tackled and sexually assaulted her right in front of the door. She expected this by now and would really have been annoyed at the prospect of having to go all the way to her just to snog for a few minutes, so that happened, but Twilight could only be satisfied by such light fare for so long.

“We need to have sex,” Twilight said, “Right now.”

“Why?”

“Do you know how long it’s been? I’m going crazy.”

“You’ve been clopping, right?”

“That doesn’t involve holding my girlfriend so tightly she can barely breathe with her begging me to stop.”

“You know, I wasn’t trying to be hot, I actually wanted you to stop. I thought I made that pretty clear.”

“Yeah, I know. Remember when you started bargaining?”

“Why do I love you?”

She teleported them into the bedroom and they had sex by pure force of habit.

“Ah thought ah somethin’ for Disturbin’ Revelation Day,” Apple Bloom told Applejack via real life.

“It’s about tahme, what is it?”

“You prolly have a lotta Twahlaht’s salahva.”

“Whadya mean?”

“Well, Rainbow gets sexually assaulted bah Twahlaht, then later you ponies snog, an’....”

“Yeah, but usually it happens on separate days.”

“An’ when it doesn’t....”

Applejack thought for a moment. “Well, she’s prolly cleaner than Ah am anyway. If Rainbow can snog for an hour with me and not get anythin’....”

Apple Bloom could still taste the apple she had for breakfast. It tasted like apples.

“Ah can still taste the apple Ah had for breakfast,” Apple Bloom said.

“You can still taste the apple you had for breakfast?”

“Ah can still taste the apple Ah had for breakfast.”

“Does the aftertaste taste lahke apples?”

“The aftertaste does taste lahke apples.”

Chapter 120: The Secret Base Actually Gets Used For a Meeting

“It does?” Applejack said. “Cool.”

The official Sweet Apple Acres phone rang.

“Ah’ll get it,” Applejack said even though there was no one else in the room. She picked the phone up.

“Hello?”

“This is Agent D███. Your immediate presence is requested at base.”

“Understood. Ah’ll be there in three minutes.”

“You better.”

Π minutes later, Applejack arrived at the purposefulness-confused secret base. Rainbow Dash and Twilight were there.

“You’re late,” Rainbow said.

“Yeah, yeah, what’m Ah here for?”

“I’m thinking about admitting the huge love secret.”

“What? What made you turn around on this all of a sudden?”

“Scootaloo presented an extremely convincing argument.”

“What’d she say?”

“It’s gonna get out sometime, so it should be from us. And the rest of the world would be happy to hear that we’re finally together anyway.”

“Yeah, but there are two things they won’t be happy to hear.”

“Praytell such matters, fairest Applejack.”

“One, that they’ve been lahed ta forever. Two, that you an’ Twahlaht are together.”

“Ye fyrſt ſhalt happenen in eventuals. It will be best should we tell them ourselves. I admit that the second could be quite a shock to them, but we have a good explanation for it and I need not repeat it to you.”

“‘Kay, but what makes this a particularly good tahme ta tell ‘em?”

“As you apparently need to be reminded, tomorrow is the inaugural Secret Admission Day.”

“What?”

“Secret Admission Day and its opposite, General Lachrymosy Absence Day, were part of a solution proposed by a schoolteacher to fix Ponyville’s appallingly flat happiness curve. So, quat say you regarding ye proposal?”

“Ah think we shoulda admitted it a long tahme ago.”

“Twilight, quat ist thy vote?”

“I just don’t know when the right time is...” Twilight said.

“I just talked about how this time is right.”

“I don’t know... can’t we wait until August? Ponies will be happy to see anything at all happen in August.”

“Fine, then. We shalt begin on August the... um... eighth. On the eighth of August, all ye world shalt knoweth.”

“Why are you talking like that?”

“Talking like what?”

“With all the faux Old and Middle English stuff.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You know what you’re doing.”

“Seriously, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Whatever, it doesn’t matter. So the eighth day of August?”

“Verily.”

“Sure,” Applejack said.

“So should we leave now?” Twilight said. “This is the first time this has ever happened.”

“If either of you want to have sex with me or somethin’, I’m good with that,” Rainbow said.

“Sure,” Applejack and Twilight said in unison, “I don’t have anything to do.”

“Hey!” Applejack said.

“It’s been three days since I’ve had sex with her.”

“You know she loves me more.”

“It’s been longer, that’s what matters.”

“Ah have an idea.”

“What?”

“Ask Rainbow.”

They turned to Rainbow.

“I want AJ,” Rainbow said.

“Come on! It’s been three days for me!”

“One, AJ’s my first girlfriend. Second, I don’t feel like you today.”

“Come on!” Twilight went down and held Rainbow’s leg. “I need this, Rainbow!”

“Seriously, you need to go to a clinic or something.”

“I’ll do something for you.”

“That would be prostitution.”

“So? It’s not like it’s illegal. This is Equestria, summer home of freedom. And all we have is a transcriber in the corner there. That’s our only witness, and she’s not even going to say or release anything.”

“I’m not gonna do this.”

“Fine. I’ll just rape you, then.”

“You’ll have to get off the floor first. And I’m going to have sex with Applejack, not you.”

“Did you just call her Applejack?”

“Didn’t mean to. Anyway, go away.”

“Fine.”

She teleported away. Without a Twilight to view, Rainbow and Applejack looked at each other.

“‘Applejack’?” Applejack said.

“I’m sorry.”

“Ah’ll forgive ya.”

“I don’t have to beg?”

“Don’t. So wanna have sex now?”

“Sure.”

Chapter 121: U-17 Hoofball Match

“I guess we’re done with the class,” Cheerilee said. “Normally the bell rings whilst I’m still talking about something, but I finished quite early and you’ve all submitted your answers with five minutes still to spare.” She paused to collect her thoughts in a wicker basket. “Class is dismissed, then.”

The class exited the class, Sweetie Belle and Diamond Tiara doing so with great class, and did boring school day termination stuff. The CMC and Group Whose Sole Purpose in Life is to Annoy Apple Bloom walked out of the building within seconds of each other.

“We challenge ya ponies ta a game ah hoofball,” Apple Bloom said.

“Who, us?” Diamond Tiara said.

“Yeah, you ponies.”

“It won’t be fair if we only have two players.”

Silver Spoon tapped Diamond Tiara’s shoulder.

“What?”

Silver Spoon pointed to Twist, who was leaving the vicinity of the school.

“Good idea, go and get her.”

Silver Spoon ran out of the frame, then dialogue ensued. It is provided here for your perusal.

“Is Twist really gonna play for you ponies?” said Apple Bloom, who had started to develop a minor leadership complex that would turn serious if untreated.

“She turned to the dark side, remember?”

“Ah yeah, ever since she got her cutie mark....”

Silver Spoon came back with Twist.

“Do we even have a hoofball?” Scootaloo said.

“No,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah’ll get one.”

Apple Bloom left, leaving silence behind her.

“So...” Scootaloo said.

“What?” Diamond said.

“...Nothing.”

“Then what did you say that for?”

“I was... um... talking to Sweetie Belle.”

Silence.

“Would you like to say something to me?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Um.... How’s your magic going?”

“It’s fine. I can do simple spells pretty well, but I’m behind the curve on levitating things.”

“That’s... good.”

“I know, for most foals levitation is the first thing they get used to, but... I’m a not a moron. I can already do some things. Specific things, though, not easy things like teleportation. Like, a learned a freakin’ combat spell and I can’t teleport two metres. What if I never figure it out? I can’t just live without... well, that turned racist.”

Apple Bloom returned, kicking the hoofball because she couldn’t hold it in her mouth. And that would be really unsanitary anyway.

“So where are the goals?” Apple Bloom said.

“How about that bush,” Sweetie Belle pointed to a bush, “And that bush?” Sweetie Belle pointed to a bush.

“I am, like, so down with that,” Diamond said. “Which goal will each team take?”

“We’ll take that one,” Sweetie Belle pointed to a bush, “And you’ll be that one,” Sweetie Belle pointed to a bush.

“Sounds good. Silver? Twist?”

Silver Spoon and Twist were already facing her.

“Huddle.”

“They’re huddling,” Scootaloo said, “Should we?”

“Prolly,” Apple Bloom said.

The CMC huddled.

After nine minutes of huddling, the teams set themselves up.

“What’s your team name?” Apple Bloom screamed across the dying brown grass of the school’s lawn. “We can just be the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but what about you ponies?”

“We’re the Cocleares Argentorum,” Diamond yelled back. “Silver Spoon came up with it, I don’t know what it means.”

“Ahkay,” Apple Bloom said in a raised voice. “When are we sta—”

Silver Spoon kicked the ball right between Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, but Apple Bloom easily saved it and kicked it back to Scootaloo. The remainder of the chapter was a text commentary of a hoofball game.

And so after one period of ninety minutes with no stoppage time, which does annoy me, a church bell signalled the end of the game. The six all congregated in a random spot on the field.

“Ah can’t believe it ended one ta one,” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah,” Scootaloo said, “That sucked.”

“I thought it was fun,” Twist said.

“It was a fun game,” Scootaloo said, “But the outcome was just kind of anticlimactic.”

“I should go home now,” Diamond said.

“We all prolly should,” Apple Bloom said. “Should we do this again sometahme?”

“Yes,” Diamond Tiara, spokespony for the Cocleares Argentorum, said, “We should.”

“I can’t wait to explain this to Rarity,” Sweetie Belle said.

Everyone went their separate ways.

Chapter 122: Journey of the Soul: Enigma

“Hey, you know something we should have, Octavia?”

“Yes?”

“Oh.”

“No, ‘yes’ as in ‘what’.”

“Oh. A chapter that chronicles a conversation.”

“Lyra, your voice seems a little off.”

“I—” she put her hoof over her mouth and unsuccessfully tried to stifle a cough.

“Are you okay, Lyra?” Octavia looked at her. “Apple Bloom?”

“Yeah?”

“Get out of my house.”

“Ahkay....” And so Apple Bloom left her house.

“Where’s Lyra?” Octavia said to herself.

Right then, Lyra walked into the room, coming off an unsuccessful experiment involving porting heavy metal music to lyres.

“There you are, Lyra. You’re late, the chapter’s already started.”

“As long as I don’t get sacked, right?”

“Is that the sort of conduct you apply to your actual job?”

“No, but this is a pornographic reality show. Should I sit down since you’re sitting at the table and I’m not?”

“If you want. I don’t have a preference.”

“I won’t. Hey, did I hear Apple Bloom in here a minute ago?”

“Yes. She was imponiating you.”

“How did you catch her?”

“She coughed after saying a long I.”

“Great job, Octavia.”

“What?”

“Your tale of use of everyday basic logic just made me want to go on a detective adventure.”

“What would you try to solve?”

“Uh... if there are any mysteries in Ponyville.”

“Well, there’s at least one.”

“What?”

“Whether there are any mysteries in Ponyville.”

“Then mystery solved: there are.”

“But now your mystery’s solved, so we don’t know again.”

“Then I’ll find out.”

“Well, I know of at least one.”

Eight hours later, Lyra woke up on the kitchen floor. She rubbed her eyes, moaned, and stood up in that order. She saw that Octavia was still fainted on the row of two chairs she was on, but at least she was okay. Either that or she had died. The last time Lyra tried to check for a pony’s pulse, Zecora told her she was wrong, so she wasn’t as confident in that as she used to be. But whether she trusted pulses anymore or not, it was time to play everyone’s favourite game, wait or bring her to the hospital. You can play it too; just go outside and bash your knee against the ground until you get an open wound! She chose wait, specifically wait in her computer room, and a couple more hours later, Octavia woke up. She got up and the faint noise suggestive of walking made Lyra ran back to the kitchen.

“Octavia! I’m so glad you’re okay. You’re not mad at me for choosing wait, are you?”

“I’m okay with it. What were we—”

It was hard to talk being forcibly kissed.

“Lyra, you don’t have to do it for—”

“Just one time, I wish you’d slowly close your eyes, give in to desires, put a leg behind my neck, and kiss your girlfriend. This isn’t the third dimension where everypony’s as impassionate and prudish as you are.”

“I’m not going to do that, Lyra.”

“So can’t kiss you for more than five seconds without asking you first?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to say.”

“Well, that’s what I’m getting from you.”

“You know what? Fine. Today... tonight... being fainted for what I assume has been hours has made everything a bit strange. But until midnight, you can do whatever you want to me. I’ll even join in like you always want me to.”

“Are you sure you want to let your girlfriend kiss you? That can lead to all sorts of fun and happiness, you know.”

“I’ll be fine, L—”

Lyra kissed her again to see. Octavia actually participated, and just like that they were kissing like a normal couple. But as fantastic as it was, it had to end, if for no other reason than falling levels in stuff and other science meant the planet was unable to support multicellular life. That wasn’t the reason, though, Lyra just decided she was convinced.

“Octavia, you look like you’re smiling. Why are you smiling?”

“I liked it.”

“See? It’s good once you try it.”

“I’m sorry I was so ridiculous about it.”

“It’s okay, I still love you. So are you just being impulsive and crazy or are you sure you’ll let your girlfriend kiss you now?”

“I know what I’m saying, Lyra.”

“Okay. This doesn’t mean you’ll stop being fancy, right? I wouldn’t want this to become one of those relationships where the fancy pony stops being fancy.”

“I won’t.”

“Good.”

“I can’t believe I was rejecting forced kisses from my girlfriend.”

“You were just being prissy like you always are. So do you want to have hour-long snogging times like a normal couple?”

“You don’t have to ask anymore.”

Chapter 123: A Rarity Chapter

“‘Prissy’,” Rarity said. “It’s such a dumb word.”

“Why?” Sweetie Belle said.

“It’s supposed to mean ‘overly proper’, but that can’t happen. It’s like saying you scored too many runs in your last game of cricket.”

“Maybe you declared too late and if—”

“You what I mean, Sweetie Belle. Prissy is a dumb word and nopony should ever use it.”

“I think it’s possible to be too proper.”

“I suppose we just disagree.”

“Fine.”

They looked away from each other with crossed forelegs.

“Sweetie Belle?” Rarity said, deciding to look towards her.

“What?”

“Is this why nopony likes me?”

Sweetie Belle decided to look towards Rarity. “Ponies like you.”

“Name a couple.”

“I do. And Octavia.”

“Why do most ponies hate me?”

“Because you’re vain and boring.”

“I’m not boring.”

“You can be conversationally boring sometimes.”

“I can?”

“Yes, you can. Most ponies really don’t like talking with you.”

“Why? You still like me, don’t you?”

“I don’t think you’re boring to talk with, but a lot of other ponies do. Sometimes it’s just a common interests thing, and sometimes it’s because the only experience they have of it is you going on about yourself for hours, and sometimes it’s because you’re never able to take criticism, and sometimes it’s because you never have anything interesting or new or insightful to say about anything, but usually it’s at least two of those at once.”

“Am I just wrong about myself? Should I accept that I’m terrible?”

“I still think you’re a good pony. Everypony else is exaggerating your flaws and ignoring all the positive things about you.”

“Maybe you’re right... I’m not horrible, everypony else just likes to make fun of me because they think they understand my entire personality from a couple times they’ve talked with me.”

“Well, I don’t like that point, but yeah. You don’t suck.”

Camerapony #4 got down and pushed a sleeping camerapony #3 gently.

“Camerapony #3, wake up.”

“Wha...?”

“The scene’s still going on, you have to get up.”

“But I don’t wanna. It’s so boring.”

“Come on, camerapony #3.”

“Fine....”

“And that’s how I’m going to arbitrage my way into riches,” Sweetie Belle said.

“But how do you plan to get to the fourth dimension and back?”

“Yeah, that’s really the only chink in the plan, but I’ll work it out somehow. Maybe Twilight can help. Anyway, we were talking about how everypony thinks you suck except me?”

“I think we covered that pretty well. I suppose I’ll try to work on my image of myself....”

“That’s good.”

Silence.

“So...” Rarity said, “What do you plan to do on the Sunday?”

“There’s going to be a CMC playdate and/or sleepover event. I don’t know where—”

The phone rang.

“I’ll get it,” Rarity said. She subsequently got it. “Hello?”

“We’re ‘avin’ a sleepover tomorrah at your house.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

“This phone will self-destruct in five... four... three—” that female voice phones talk in said. Rarity hung up and wondered why her phone kept doing that.

“It’s at our house,” Rarity said.

“You mean your house?”

“That isn’t the point. The playdate sleepover is going to happen here.”

“Are we going to air it?”

“No,” camerapony #4 said. “We have an Appledash scene to do.”

“As in the shipping, or...” Rarity said.

“No, as in the pie,” Sweetie Belle said. “Yes, the ship.”

“Well, I don’t live on the Internet like you do.”

Chapter 124: Appledash Investigation Agency

“So what particular kind of apple pie is this?” Rainbow said. “Since last time you yelled at me when I said a pie made with one kind of apple was the same kind of food as an apparently different one you made.”

“It’s Appledash,” Applejack said, “‘Cause it’s apple an’ it has a lotta mahnor ingredients.”

“Cool. Are we on yet?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Oh. For how long?”

“Since you said ‘so what particular kahnda apple pah is this’.”

“How do you even make that weird mix of I and ah sound? I can’t even do it on purpose.”

“It’s just mah accent....”

“There should be an IPA symbol for it.”

“You’re a fucking idiot, Rainbow,” Twilight said.

“Why?” Spike said

“Because there is an IPA symbol for it. It’s ä.”

“There’s a letter for screaming?”

“No, like A with an umlaut.”

“Oh. That’s pronounced ‘AAAAH!’?”

“In some languages. But shorter and quieter.”

“All the things I’ve been saying wrong in my head... depending on the language....”

“And the word.”

“Really? I hate letters.”

“Whah would you, Rainbow Dash, have heard ah that?”

“What, IPA?”

“Yeah.”

“Being around Twilight.”

Silence.

“It’s your turn to talk, Rainbow.”

“I know. Don’t pressure me.”

Silence.

“I don’t remember why she mentioned it.”

“How fascinatin’.”

Silence.

“Oh, there’s something I’ve been wondering since the fanciness contest,” Rainbow said.

“What?”

“Why did Octavia know the chemical name of crack? What would she need it for?”

“Maybe she was studyin’ for the contest an’ it was from that?”

“But she said she didn’t actually care about the contest that much.”

“Hmm....”

Silence.

“Wanna go over to her house and harass her?” Rainbow said.

“Sure.”

Rainbow, wearing sunglasses, knocked on the door of Octavia’s house. Lyra answered it.

“Hello, Rainbow Dash, hello, Applejack.”

“AIA,” Rainbow said, showing a card clearly made with a template. “We’re looking for Octavia No Family Name Specified.”

“Octavia is at a rehearsal and is not available right now. Please leave a message after the tone.”

“We need to search this house.”

“Get a warrant.”

“Well, maybe we will.”

Lyra slammed the door.

Rainbow looked towards Applejack. “What do we do now? We can’t actually get a warrant.”

“Sneak in durin’ the naht?”

“How?”

“You can dramatically break down doors, right?”

“Last time I tried, I ended up in hospital. And that wouldn’t really be sneaking in.”

“Well, we could definitely take ‘em in a fight. Then we take ‘em somewhere all secret an’ question ‘em.”

“That sounds illegal....”

“Yeah. But we have to find out some’ow.”

“I can’t think of anything legal, though.”

“We could wait ‘ere ‘til she comes back an’ interview ‘er.”

“But she’ll just lie about everything.”

“Hmm... maybe we should get some actual policeponies to investigate.”

“But then what’ll happen to the AIA if they give up on a case like this?”

“Maybe we should just stop the AIA.”

“But we have a contract with the managing director!”

“You’re the managin’ director.”

“Right. So what paperwork do I have to go through to officially abolish the agency?”

“You never made anythin’ official in the first place, you just made up the name last week and ordered a buncha cards. Nopony else even knows about it.”

“So are we investigating this juicy secret or not?”

“Y’know, Twahlaht prolly knows the full name ah crack. Does that mean she has some?”

“Yes.”

The next hour, Rainbow was enjoying some quality television when her phone rang.

“I’ll get it,” Rainbow said, even though nobody else was there to get it. She got it. “Hello?”

“This is your evil twin Spectrum Hyphen. I have placed a pipe bomb due to go off in five minutes somewhere in your house.”

“Why are you telling me about the bomb?”

“You’ll see.”

They both hung up.

“I guess I should look for it.”

Five minutes of panic later, Rainbow, or Dash as she’s known in the sporting context in which many ponies talk of her nowadays, was outside her house and nothing happened.

“It’s been five minutes, right?” Rainbow said to camerapony #5.

“Yeah.”

A tumbleweed rolled across Rainbow’s “lawn” and off the edge of Cloudsdale.

“I should probably catch that or something.” She chased it down and easily caught it before it came anywhere close to the ground. Then she brought it down herself so it would never terrorise anypony again.

“Whah do you know the full chemical name for cocaine?” Applejack said with shades on.

“How did you get into my living room?” Octavia said.

“Whah do you know it?”

“I was on a wiki walk.”

“But it’s a pretty complicated name. Whah did you remember it? Or more to the point, what did you need it for?”

“So because I have a good memory, I’m using cocaine?”

“Yes.”

“This is ridiculous, Ap—”

“Quit skirtin’ the issue. Now, where do you keep it?”

“I don’t have any—”

“Where is it?”

“I don’t have any.”

“You want me to get the real police on this?”

“They wouldn’t find anything.”

“Ah guess we’ll see who’s raht.”

“Can you get out of my house?”

“That’s rather rude ah you to ask me that.”

“It’s rather rude of you to suggest I’ve been using cocaine.”

“Fahne, Ah’ll leave. Enjoy your last couple days outside ah prison.”

“I will.”

Applejack left the building.

Chapter 125: Consolas

I don’t know how many times I’ve narrated a door being knocked in the last fiscal year alone, but it happened again, and this time it was Octavia’s.

“Hello,” Octavia said with a worried voice and accompanying nervous smile to the two oppositely-sexed and oppositely-personalitied policeponies at her door.

“We’ve received a report that you have cocaine inside your house,” the male policepony, Enforcy, said in the same voice that every other policepony possesses.

“Come in,” Octavia said. She got out of the doorway’s presence so that they could actually come in. She was still noticeably nervous despite the fact that she couldn’t think of anything illegal she had done.

Lyra came in because she heard hoofsteps and wondered what was going on. She went up to Octavia.

“Hello, Lyra.”

“Octavia? Why are there police in our—well, your—house?”

“Applejack thinks I’m keeping and using cocaine here.”

“That’s strange. Why would she think that?”

“Because I knew its chemical name in that fanciness contest with Rarity.”

“The one where you almost won the provincial youth title?”

“No, the last one.”

“Oh. Right, I remember that. How did you know it, anyway?”

“I learnt it on a wiki walk and just happened to remember it.”

“I see. Is that what you told her?”

“Yes. She didn’t believe me.”

“That’s strange. Why wouldn’t she believe you?”

“I don’t know. She’s typically pretty trusting of other ponies.”

“Yes. I wonder how that happened... are you crying? Why are you crying?”

“You made me think of how I lost the provincial youth title.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to....”

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t mean to remind me of anything.”

“But I did. I need to be more careful.”

“It’s my fault anyway, I shouldn’t be crying about it, especially this long after it happened.”

“I would support you, but I actually agree that that’s kind of pathetic of you sometimes.”

“Thank you for being honest....”

“I’m sorry, but... I really don’t want to lie to you.”

“No, I like that if you have a problem with me, you’re the type to say so.”

“That’s good, since it’s what I’ve been assuming for years.”

“I’m trying to find a way to say how much I love everything about you that’s not horribly cliché, but I can’t find anything.”

“It’s okay. Hey, you’re still crying a little.” Lyra wiped the tears from her face. “Do you need to snog? Yes, you do.”

It only lasted for five minutes, which is obviously really short, but okay.

“Te amo,” Lyra said in an attempt to be fancy.

“Je t’aime,” Octavia said.

“Was that French? That sounded like French.”

“Yes, that was French.”

“I hate you.”

“If you hate me, we can break up.”

They kissed again for a minute, which was pretty much the opposite.

“You know what we need for this?” Lyra said.

“What?”

“We need to be on the floor. Everything’s hotter when you’re not standing.”

“It doesn’t sound hazardous to our health, we should try it at least once.”

“It’s not like the floor’s dirty with how obsessed with cleaning you are.”

“I like things to be clean, is that so wrong of me?”

“No. I told you once, I like mocking you for things I like. Come on.”

And so they snogged for a couple minutes lying on the floor.

“This is all I want to do, all day,” Lyra said.

“Seriously all day?”

“I don’t want to eat or drink or anything. I just want to kiss you all day.”

“I think you’re only saying that because the pink mist descended on you.”

Lyra forced Octavia into another depressingly short kiss.

“You’re probably right and being all level-headed or something,” Lyra said.

“Thank you, I suppose.”

“I’m going to kiss you for at least five minutes straight,” she seriously thought this was a long time, “And I’m not going to let you go even if you need to breathe.”

“So you’ll let me pass out to show how much you love me.”

“That’s right.”

“Are you actually not going to let me—”

Lyra didn’t give Octavia a chance to finish her sentence before she resumed, which went on for a few minutes and in which they almost had sex by accident.

“I’m sorry I never let you kiss me,” Octavia said.

“It’s okay, you fixed that. Also, I think we should stop doing this, because we almost had sex there. That would’ve been really awkward.”

“I agree, we shouldn’t do this.”

“You only needed to say one of those, but anyway, should we get up?”

“I think we should.”

They got up.

“Do you have any idea how great of a pony you are, Octavia?”

“You’re better than I am.”

“No, you’re better.”

“I like you more.”

“You’re better.”

“No, you are better.”

“You’re way more sophisticated and classy than I am. Everypony could take something from you.”

“Well, you’re willing to actually have a little fun sometimes. I’m just this uptight stick in the mud.”

“Oh, way to make sophistication and properness sound bad. You’re better than me and you know it.”

“You can be too proper if you end up acting intolerant of less crazy ponies like I am.”

“Maybe we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

“I suppose we will.”

They stared each other down for a few seconds.

“You’ll never want to have sex with me, will you?” Lyra said. “Because I actually have been wanting that for about a month now. Sorry if this seems a bit sudden, but just saying it without thinking too much is the only way I was able to tell you.”

“Do you have a problem with me not wanting sex?”

“No. But you better want it sometime or I won’t leave you because it’ll just make you more fancy.”

“So you don’t really care?”

“Why would I? There are no right or wrong answers for that sort of thing.”

“You just said—”

“I know. Hey, how long do you think this search will take?”

THE NEXT DAY!

Octavia was nomming on a sandwich when the female policepony, Denuntia, came into the kitchen.

“We’ve finished searching your house,” Denuntia said.

“How did it go?”

“We don’t have any evidence that the call was based on anything.”

“I see.”

“The caller will be given a two-hour prison sentence for wasting our time.”

“Sounds like justice.”

And so everyone realised that nothing actually happened.

Chapter 126: Why You Don’t Mix Balloons and Bricks

The door of Twilight’s (tree)house was the direct object of a knocking, but it wasn’t Rainbow.

“Hi, Scootaloo!” Twilight said in a fun upbeat greeting voice.

“Hi. We wanted to invade your house for the day.”

“Sounds good. I see Apple Bloom, but where’s Sweetie Belle?”

“We’re not actually invading your house yet, we just came here to warn you of our impending invasion.”

“Okay, that... actually doesn’t make sense. Why would you warn me of an invasion?”

“You’re taking it too literally. The invasion is a self-deprecating metaphor for us ungratefully using your house.”

“Oh. So when are you coming?”

“Low noon.”

“Wouldn’t that be midnight?”

“That’s not what Apple Bloom told me.” She looked towards Apple Bloom. “Where did you read that again?”

“Ah forget.”

“Sure you do.” She looked back towards Twilight. “Anyway, we’ll be here at normal noon.”

“But it’s 11:55.”

“Exactly. We’ll be here in five minutes.”

“That’s not much warning.”

“Well, that sounds like your problem, not mine.”

“But the politeness of a warning is greatly reduced when you—”

“We’re coming here in four minutes whether you want us to or not.”

“It’s still a little rude—”

“Well, you’re a rapist.”

“But it’s not gritty rape, it’s fun rape.”

“It’s still rape.”

“This isn’t the third dimension where rape has to be bad, you know.”

“We’re getting off topic. We’ll be coming in four minutes.”

“Fine.”

Scootaloo turned to Apple Bloom.

“Can we get Sweetie Belle in four minutes?”

“No,” Apple Bloom said Hotel Mario-style.

“Can we get Sweetie Belle in fourteen minutes?”

“I don’t think so....”

“Can we get Sweetie Belle in forty minutes?”

“Eeyup,” Apple Bloom does not do a good Big Mac impression.

“You know, generally you’re pretty good at impressions, but there’s something about Big Mac.”

“He’s Big Mac. His voice is practically copy-protected.”

“You know, anypony at all could’ve said that line at any point, but it happened to be you.”

“Eeyup.”

“Seriously, stop that.”

Four minutes later!

“Where are they?” Twilight said.

“How should I know?” Spike said. “Besides, they’re only ten seconds late so far.”

“But Scootaloo said noon.”

“It’s still twelve. When it’s 12:01, then you can freak out about how they probably all got stabbed or whatever you decide you should be worried about.”

“I will.”

One minute later...

“Fuck on a bed,” Twilight said. “Where are the CMC?”

“Am I supposed to rhyme that?” Spike said. “It sounds like I am.”

“No.”

“I don’t know.”

“Trust me, you’re not.”

“No, as in I don’t know where they are.”

It was 12:21 when the door was finally knocked.

“You get it,” Twilight said.

“You get it.”

“You should get it, seeing as your entire purpose in life is to serve me.”

“You should get it, because you can teleport.”

“Fine.”

And so Twilight got it.

“Hi,” Twilight said.

“Hi,” Scootaloo said. “We have Sweetie Belle.”

“I see. Please, come in.”

It was a tough decision, but they did.

“So do we actually know what we’re doing?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Eat grapes and play Verenhimo!?” Scootaloo said.

“Only if you’re prepared ta lose this tahme,” Apple Bloom said.

“We all know I’m the best at Verenhimo!,” Scootaloo said.

“The only reason you won last time’s ‘cause ya got a buncha survahval on limited resources questions.”

“That’s like saying studying water polo history is cheating.”

“No, it’s lahke sayin’ comin’ from a culture that lahkes water polo’s cheatin’. But the point is that you’re gonna lose today.”

“Oh yeah? Well, I bet Sweetie Belle will win. She’s the one who gets all the good grades.”

“Well, do they teach ya survahval techniques an’ water polo history in school?”

“Not sure whether to bring thread back on topic or sit back and enjoy the debate,” Sweetie Belle thought. She quickly chose the latter.

Eventually, the game of Verenhimo! actually started. Verenhimo! traditionally came packed with ten score-tracking pawns, but the more recent versions have left out orange, purple, cyan, and lime and only left the four primary colours and black and white. This was an older set, though, so even Scootaloo got to pick her fur colour.

“Wait,” Twilight said, “Will the entire chapter just be a game of Verenhimo!?”

“The viewers can’t actually know the rules or it’ll ruin the joke,” Spike said.

“I know. We have to do something interesting, quick.”

“Well, what can we do?”

“Is the chapter long enough yet?”

“Yeah,” transcriber #5 said.

“Then we can just end it now, can’t we?”

“There’s just one problem.”

“What?”

“Nothing even vaguely sexual has happened yet.”

“I’ll fix it,” camerapony #3 said. “Hey, camerapony #4?”

“What?”

“Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

“No.”

“:(”

“I guess that’s the closest we’ll get this time,” transcriber #5 said.

Chapter 127: The Auxiliary Club

“Uh-huh,” Spike said, on the phone with a mystery pony.

“Yeah, I understand,” he said in response to a mystery statement.

“I might be there, I’ll have to check with Twilight first.”

“No, I won’t tell her.”

“I swear, I won’t tell her!”

“I will.”

“Bye.”

Spike hung up the phone.

“‘Won’t tell her’?” Twilight, who was behind Spike the whole time, said. “Won’t tell whom what?”

Spike turned around. “Um, nothing. Silver Spoon wants me to meet her somewhere, do you think it’s a trap?”

“If it was Diamond Tiara, I might be worried. Then again, she’s probably working for her right now.”

“She said it was just her there.”

“She could just be lying.”

“But what would Diamond Tiara want with me?”

“I don’t know, but she’s evil, you know that. We can’t take any chances.”

“But what if it really is just her?”

“We can’t take any chances, Spike.”

“But if we don’t take any chances, then what will the chapter be about?”

“That’s actually a good point.”

“What?” camerapony #3 said into her radio.

“I was saying he makes a—”

“They’re switching the chapter to an Appledash conversation,” camerapony #3 said.

“Ah like how you have a real big bed even though Ah show up at Cloudsdale maybe once a year.”

“Well, you know. I won it. On a radio contest.”

“You don’t have a radio.”

“Yes, I do. I won one on a radio contest.”

Silence.

“Oh,” Rainbow said. “Okay, so what if I put in an ace-size bed?”

“It’s a lotta money.”

“But now we can finally experience what non-bondage bed sex is like!”

“We coulda done that with a smaller bed.”

“Yeah, and you can finally experience... cereal... with stale cereal.”

“Ah’m ready for the next room.”

Meanwhile, Fluttershy was having a sexual fantasy.

“What? I was just imagining Rainbow romantically holding me.”

It’s a fantasy and it’s sexual. Sounds like a sexual fantasy to me.

“But it’s not—”

“That’s a really big shower,” Applejack said. “Is everythin’ on this floor about sex?”

“Well, you know. I had to pick a place out somehow.”

“Is the computer room gonna be a ballpit?”

“No.”

The other bedroom was noticeably different to the master. Its floor, walls, and ceiling were wood covered by paint nor wallpaper, and the only features were a lightbulb hanging from a wire in the centre of the ceiling and a mattress in the far corner.

“And so this is the guest bedroom,” Rainbow said.

“Whah would you invahte Rarity into your house overnaht?”

“So she can sleep here. And it doesn’t have to be Rarity.”

“Who else do you know that deserves this kahnda thing?”

“I dunno. Hey, can you go inside the room for a minute?”

“Okay....”

She stepped inside and heard a turny locking sound, then looked behind her and saw that there was no lock on her side of the door.

“It locks from the outsahde?”

“Yep.”

“Y’know, if you really wanted to be mean, you wouldn’t even have the laht an’ mattress.”

“Yeah, but that’s not as funny. So I’m gonna go to the Crème, maybe see Scootaloo, see you in a bit.”

“Lemme out.”

“Meh.”

“You’re mah bitch, lemme out.”

She let her out. “Isn’t that fun?”

“Ah feel lahke you’d get off on me leavin’ you in there.”

“I might.”

“So this room’s about sex too?”

“Yeah.”

She went out and looked at the doorknob. “Ah never thought much ah that lock....”

“Not only is it about sex, it’s another good thing for if Rarity comes.”

“She’s a unicorn, y’know.”

“So the final room....”

The computer room didn’t have anything sexual about it, and all comments anyone ever made about it amounted to “wow, this exists”.

“Wow...” Applejack said, “This exists.”

“I know, it’s not very exciting. So do you like the house?”

“Besahdes the fact that you got a sexy house without a torture basement, yeah.”

“The thing I really wanted was a pool for sexy pool parties, but it’s Cloudsdale, so....”

“Who’d we have at a sexy pool party anyway?”

“I dunno, that’s a good point. So wanna have sex?”

“Ah’m not in the mood.”

“Are we snogging?”

“No.”

“Are you beating me up?”

“No.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to do anything sexual?”

“Yup.”

“Fine. I’ll just go over to Twilight after.”

After they said bye to each other then talked for thirty more minutes, they left by balloon and flying. I wonder where Applejack’s plane was parked.

“Hi, Rainbow!”

“Don’t you ever get tired of seeing me?”

“Come in.”

She came in. “You know, it’s weird, I’m not on the floor begging for you to stop yet.”

“Well, I apologise for not committing any sexual assault today.”

“It’s just that usually it starts automatically and I don’t have to do anything.”

“Oh, you want to snog right now?”

“Only if you want to. So yes.”

“It’s just that a lot of the time we kiss, you don’t really want to.”

“It’s not really that I don’t wanna, it’s more like I don’t have a preference. Except when I’m begging for you to stop, of course.”

Twilight hugged Rainbow and closed her eyes.

“What?”

“I am trying so hard not to rape you right now.”

“If you wanna rape me, we can go to the bedroom.”

“But I’m trying to fight my addiction.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“It feels like I have an addiction.”

“Why do you have to be concerned now?”

“For you. Sometimes you don’t seem to like it when I rape you.”

“Well, I want you to right now, so come on.”

They went to the bedroom. The following sentence is false.

“I went to a book burning this morning,” Twilight said.

“So Twilight?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I clop you?”

“I feel that enough already.”

“Please?”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to clop you?”

“I’m sure.”

“If you want, we can do it.”

And so they got down and began doing that.

“Holy Faust, Rainbow, that’s—Rainbow, stop.”

She stopped. “Sorry. What did I do that I’m sorry for?”

“Why did you stop?”

“Because you told me to stop.”

“I thought that meant I liked it. That’s what it usually means from you, right?”

“How was I supposed to know?”

“I don’t know. It’s fine, just keep going.”

“We should have an actual safeword.”

“Um... octagon.”

“Octagon?”

“I was thinking of stop, and that made me think of stop signs.”

“Okay, sure.”

Not that it ever ended up mattering. Twilight’s orgasm scream made one of the cameraponies deaf for the rest of the day, but there’s already an episode about that. Twilight licked some cum off of Rainbow’s hoof, and possibly her leg, it’s kind of hard to tell.

“Okay, I did like that,” Twilight said. “What now?”

“What do you want?”

“Now I feel like forcing you to snog with me.”

“If you’re gonna do that, don’t be mild, rape me.”

“No.”

It wasn’t exciting, so the transcribers gave themselves another well-deserved break.

“I love you, Rainbow,” Twilight said.

“That’s generic.”

“I thought you liked that. Why do you have to be Rainbow Dash all of a sudden?”

“I dunno. I have something to tell you.”

“What?”

“I might not keep the house I bought.”

“But it’s so awesome.”

“I’m gonna sell it at a ridiculous price.”

“How?”

“Because I lived in it, it should be way more valuable. Right?”

“I don’t think that’ll work.”

“Then with all my money, I’ll buy another house, and so on.”

“You can’t upgrade houses by being Rainbow Dash.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah.”

“It’ll work.”

“No, it won’t.”

“Why not?”

“I just gave a reason.”

“Well, I’m gonna try it.”

“That’s fine, I don’t mind being proven right.” There was no response given. “Do you have anything to say?”

“No.”

“Then eat me out.”

“Okay.”

Chapter 128: Epistular Dread

“Octavia?” Lyra said.

She climbed from the lower floor of the boiler room and walked briskly to the voice she hoped she wasn’t just imagining because that would be really annoying. “What is it?”

“I got a letter from Programme Productions.”

“Oh....”

“And I can only think of one thing that means.”

“Yes....”

Lyra tore open the envelope and took out the letter.

“Dear Lyra Heartstrings and Octavia Get a Family Name,

We got you, didn’t we? trololol!

Like a boss, cheesy74.”

“That’s better than what I expected,” Octavia said. Lyra kissed her and it still looks really weird when they kiss like that, can’t they sit or lie down like normal ponies?

“I’m still getting used to you actually doing things,” Lyra said.

“What response am I supposed to give to that?”

“I don’t know. You can go back to whatever you were doing if you want.”

An alarm went off from the boiler room.

“I suppose I should.”

“Hi, Derpy Hooves,” Scootaloo said, because Derpy Hooves appeared. She was hooved a letter.

“Thanks.”

And so she went off to the next house.

“Who’s this letter from... fuck, it’s Programme Productions.” She opened the letter.

“Dear Scootaloo Get a Surname,

We just sent this letter to freak you out.

Eating French toast, Kumara O’MacSon.”

Scootaloo ate the letter and the envelope.

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Twilight said.

Derpy didn’t answer.

“Oh, it’s you, Fluttershy.” Twilight opened the door. “You’re not Fluttershy.”

Derpy hooved her a letter.

“Thank you.”

There was a septagon wipe starting from the outside of the screen and going in to Twilight opening the envelope.

“Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Your performances have been monotonous and disappointing, and we feel there is nothing more we can do with you. As such, you have been dropped from our roster, effective at the end of the current chapter. See the opposite side for more information.

Sorrily, civslave250.”

Twilight looked at the other side of the paper.

“yby abg ernyyl,” it read.

“Looks like Welsh,” Twilight said. “I’ll put it into Google.”

“yby ABG ernyyl,” Google Translate said.

“That’s strange,” Twilight said. “SPIKE!”

Spike ran over from reading second-person clopfic. Wait, it... looks kinda familiar. “How may I help you?”

“You’re good with Internet languages, what does this say?”

“It says... ‘lol not really’.”

“Oh.”

“What is it about?”

“Programme Productions said they were sacking me, but I guess not.”

“Oh. Well, that’s good, I guess.”

“I wonder why they even sent the letter.”

“‘Cause they thought it would be funny?”

“Probably. But why do they even send letters anymore? It’s the twenty-first century.”

“Because letters are more dramatic than emails?”

“How are you beating me in an argument?”

“This is an argument?”

“Yes.” Twilight fell onto the floor like a heavy cat. “I’m losing an argument to Spike.”

“Is that supposed to mean I’m dumb?”

“No. Well, you are dumb, but the point is that I’m smart. I’m used to winning arguments.”

“Well, you have to lose sometimes, right?”

“Yeah, but I’d expect to lose to somepony who’s smart.”

“You’ll live.”

“You can say that, but it doesn’t make it true.”

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Big Mac said.

Derpy didn’t answer.

“Fluttershy?” He opened the door. “There’s something I—oh, you’re Derpy Hooves.”

She mouthed him a letter.

“Applejack!” Big Mac said. “There’s a letter for you!”

Applejack ran down from arguing on the Internet and Big Mac hooved her the letter.

“Aw crap, Programme Productions?”

“Eeyup.”

Applejack opened the letter.

“Dear Applejack Apple,

The Twidash plotline is way more interesting than the Appledash one. Since that’s all you’re good for, we’ve sacked you to be replaced with a human turned pony. See back for more information.

It wasn’t my decision, acutedanger.”

Applejack looked at the opposite side of the letter.

“wx,” it read.

“What’s that mean, Big Mac?”

“It says ‘jk’.”

“Oh. Ah guess Ah’m fahne, then.”

Knock-knock!

“Who is it?” Rainbow said.

Derpy didn’t answer.

“Must be Fluttershy.” She opened the door. “ohai Derpy!”

She hooved her the letter and went off to an adjacent house.

“From Programme Productions?” Rainbow said. “It must be about that raise I’ve been asking them for!”

“Dear Rainbow Dash,

You’ve been sacked. See back panel for further information.

Please just say no so I can know, cheesy74.”

Rainbow looked at the opposite side of the paper.

“No, not really, we’re not insane,” it read.

She went outside and tossed the letter off the edge of Cloudsdale.

Chapter 129: Fluttershy’s Love Confession

“So you’re sure this whole house scheme will work?” Applejack said.

“It’s foolproof.”

“But what if it doesn’t work?”

“Then I’m how I was before. It’s not like my situation worsens if it fails. Now on to our next order of business....”

“Which is?”

“I dunno. Wanna have sex?”

“Not now.”

“Well, we had our conversation, I don’t know what you expect us to do.”

“Ah’m supposed to be apple-buckin’ in a couple ah minutes. Talk to somepony else if you’re so lonely.”

“Fine, I will. Goodbye.”

“Bye. You can come back tonaht if you want.”

“I will.”

Twilight opened the door to her house.

“Hi, Rainbow!”

“You know,” Spike said, “Opening the door and saying ‘hi, Rainbow’ won’t make her there.”

Rainbow flew down in front of the doorway.

“Hi, Rainbow!”

“Hey, Twilight. AJ’s apple-bucking and you’re my backup girlfriend.”

“Cool. Just a second. Actually, come in, then just a second.”

“Spike?” Twilight said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have anything you want to say to me?”

“You’re a lucky bitch?”

“Spike. You do not call your legal guardian a bitch.”

“Even though it’s true?”

“Yes.”

“Why are you so strict all of a sudden?”

“Am I?”

“Read the transcript.”

One transcript-reading later...

“Holy Faust,” Twilight said, “It’s like I turned into Rarity or something. I am so sorry, Spike, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It’s okay, Twilight. You were just trying to be parenty.”

“Still. I’m sorry. Now if you don’t mind, I have some sex to have.”

They had sex. Not her and Spike. You know what I mean.

Rainbow Dash left Twilight’s place, and decided to fly up to a cloud because she felt like it.

“Let’s see...” Rainbow said to herself or maybe the cameras, “AJ, Twilight... Fluttershy always wants to see me. Do I feel like sleeping?” She looked down and put a hoof under her chin. “Nah. Fluttershy it is, then.”

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Fluttershy said in a scared, nervous voice, as if there was a murderer on the loose or something.

“It’s Rainbow.”

“Rainbow who?”

“Rainbow Dash.”

Fluttershy opened the door. “Hi, Rainbow Dash.”

“I felt lonely despite being Rainbow Dash and I was wondering if I could hang out with you. You know, if you’re not doin’ anything.”

“No. Come on, come inside.”

She thought about refusing, but didn’t.

“Look, Rainbow. There’s something I need to confess.”

“sit love”

“y”

“rly”

“rly”

“wut”

“ik”

“were still friends”

“omg <3”

Okay, fine.

“Look, Rainbow. There’s something I need to confess.”

“Did you jaywalk?”

“No. How would I—”

“What do you need to tell me?”

“Well... I’ve felt this for a couple years, I’ve just been too shy to admit it....”

“You don’t feel like you can tell me anything?”

“Well... I’m just afraid you’ll never be able to see me the same way again.”

“If there’s a reason I should be seeing you differently, you should tell me.”

“Rainbow Dash?”

“I’m listening.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Fluttershy. There’s nothing you could ever tell me that would change that. Well, technically that’s not true, but like you’re gonna do anything unforgivable, ever.”

“No, I mean... in a romantic way.”

“What.”

“I’m sorry... you probably think something is seriously wrong with me.”

“Look, Fluttershy. I... don’t have any feelings for you. But if you do, that’s fine, we can still be friends. I don’t have a problem with you loving me.”

“So we can still be friends?”

“We’re still friends. I won’t think of you any differently ‘cause ah this.”

“Thank you, Rainbow.” Fluttershy hugged her. “You don’t know what that means to me.”

Rainbow hugged her back. “Has it really been a couple years?”

Hugging stopped, not that it ever began. “Almost. I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t tell anypony, you’re the only one who knows.”

“It’s okay. We’re still friends.”

“Thank you so much....”

“You don’t need to thank me for anything.”

“If you say so....”

“Are you gonna cry if I give you a normal hug?”

“Yes.”

For the first time in a long time, Rainbow grabbed a pony and violently sent them to the ground or floor in a non-sexual, non-violent context.

Chapter 130: Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Episode 4: Reluctant Consumption

“Last time,” Pinkie Pie screamed into the atmosphere, “On Withstander: Corvidae Islands! The puzzle challenge happened, and Twilight won it for CMTR. Jambalaya were forced to vote somepony off, but it was an easy decision, with Butterscotch being kicked out of the game never to be seen again. Only nine are left! Who will be deemed unnecessary this two days on Withstander: Corvidae Islands?!”

“So I have smarts...” Twilight said.

“Yes,” Rainbow said.

“You have speed/strength-type stuff...”

“Uh-huh.”

“Apple Bloom has been good with camp stuff recently...”

“Yeah?”

“And Rarity is...”

“Yeah?”

“Prepared to... um... well, she really has no special skills that are useful when you’re stranded on an island.”

“Well, easy vote if we lose.”

“Yep.”

“Everything’s been much quieter since we lost Butterscotch,” Lyra said.

“Quite,” Octavia said. “I’ll admit, I like it better without her.”

“That’s not something you have to ‘admit’.”

“Well, Butterscotch has emotions just like the rest of us.”

“Why do you have to be so respectful of everypony? Faust.”

“Everything’s been much less annoying since we lost Butterscotch,” Big Mac said.

“Yup,” Applejack said. “Ah lahke the place better without ‘er.”

“Eeyup.”

Camerapony #3 laid down in the attempt at a shelter.

“foreveralone.jpg,” she said.

“Welcome, withstanders,” Pinkie said, “To the mandatory eating disgusting food challenge! How it works is, each member of your team will be presented with food, and if even one of your team members eats it, you get a run! First to three wins! Jambalaya, who are you sitting out?”

Jambalaya huddled.

“Camerapony #3,” Applejack said.

“Okay! We’ll ‘draw’ for spots, then we’ll get started!”

It wasn’t actually random, of course.

“Unlid your dishes!” Pinkie said. The contestants all took whatever silver service lids are called off their plates.

“First item!” Pinkie said. “Brussels sprouts!”

Applejack and Big Mac turned to Octavia and Lyra.

“We never eat these,” Octavia said.

“Do I have to touch it with my hooves?” Rarity said.

“No,” Apple Bloom said. “Ya got magic.”

“Right....” Rarity magicked the brussels sprout into her mouth and ate it.

“CMTR get the first run!”

“Unlid your dishes!”

They did.

“Soy sausage! It’s completely vegetarian, but still somewhat unsettling for herbivores!”

Apple Bloom and Applejack were looked at by the rest of their respective teams.

“Ahkay,” Applejack said. “Ah can do this.” She picked up the sausage and ate it successfully.

“Jambalaya get the second run!”

“Unlid your dishes!”

They did, then “eww”s ensued.

“Plain milk!” Pinkie said.

“This is objectionable!” Rarity said.

“This ain’t raht,” Apple Bloom said.

Twilight and Rainbow looked :/ly at the glasses of milk.

“Octavia?” Lyra said. “Why are you smiling? What’s wrong?”

Octavia took the milk in one sip and put the glass down shot glass-style.

“Ja—did you just down that entire glass in one drinking?” Pinkie said.

“Yes,” Octavia said. “I happen to like plain milk.”

“What kinda sicko are you?”

“Is it wrong to like plain milk?”

Pinkie looked at the other contestants. “Is this just me?”

They shook their heads.

“That’s what I thought. Jambalaya win the run, so it’s them at two and CMTR at one.”

“Unlid your dishes!”

The drill, then interjections of disgust.

“Two litres of aerosol cheese!”

Octavia put a hoof over her mouth.

“Are you okay, Octavia?” Lyra said. Octavia looked at her and nodded, keeping the hoof on her mouth.

“Well...” Apple Bloom said, “It ain’t much worse than the food at school.” She breathed in and slowly ate, using her hooves, all two litres of the cheese whilst all the contestants and Pinkie watched in horror.

“Wow, Apple Bloom,” Pinkie said. “It’s two–two now. Down to the final round!”

“You’ve done this four times before, you understand what to do now.”

Indeed they did.

“The brown chips from Chex Mix!”

“We ain’t Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom said.

“Can you do this, Rainbow?” Twilight said.

“I wish I could,” Rainbow said, shaking her head slightly.

“I’m not a fan,” Lyra said.

“I’m sorry,” Octavia said, “But I can’t do this.”

Applejack looked at Big Mac.

“It’s all on you, buddy,” Applejack said. She patted his back a couple times.

Big Mac shrugged, took the bowl in his hooves, and drank the chips down.

“Jambalaya win rice, water, and invulnerability!” Pinkie said. Jambalaya generically cheered.

Apple Bloom was watching some rice when Rarity walked up to her.

“Hello, Apple Bloom.”

“Hey, Rarity.”

“I’ve noticed that Twilight and Rainbow Dash have been scheming together a lot....”

“Yeah. So?”

“So they obviously have some sort of alliance. And we were the only ones who helped in that challenge. If we teamed together, we could at least tie them.”

“Well, who should we vote off?”

“I’m not sure... I’m thinking Twilight will be more useful, seeing as she’s smarter and better with camp-related things. Of course, Rainbow Dash has physical skills, so they would both be a threat in challenges, but I would ponially keep Twilight for the camp work she actually does....”

“So we’re votin’ off Rainbow, then.”

“That’s my initial instinct, yes....”

“Then Ah’ll do that. Come back ta me if you change your mahnd.”

“I will.”

“Welcome to Teamal Council,” Pinkie said. “There are only four of you left. And only three of you will leave here with your lives. Twilight, what do you think is the most important thing for a pony to have for their team?”

“Definitely intelligence is the most important trait,” Twilight said.

“I see. Rainbow, what’s your opinion?”

“I think speed and precision and sportsy stuff is most important.”

“Apple Bloom?”

“Ah think it’s important ta have a little ah everythin’. Ponies should be judged bah their worst trait, not their best.”

“And Rarity?”

“I agree with Twilight, being intelligent is the most important thing.”

“I see. Well, it’s time to vote. Apple Bloom, you’re first.”

Voting ensued, and Twilight came back from Voting Path to the main part of Teamal Council.

“I’ll tally the votes,” Pinkie claimed. She retrieved the votes and brought them back. “The pony with the most votes gets kicked out. If there’s a tie, whoever can light the other’s mane on fire first gets to stay.” She took the lid off the vote container.

“First vote: Rarity.”

“Obviously Rainbow Dash’s vote,” Rarity thought.

“Second vote: Rainbow.”

“Rarity,” Rainbow thought, unworried.

“Third vote: Rarity.”

“Okay,” Rarity thought, “That was Twilight. I still have Apple Bloom.”

“That’s two votes Rarity, one vote Rainbow.”

“We can count,” Rainbow said.

“Sure you can,” Pinkie said. “Fourth pony voted off Withstander: Corvidae Islands—”

“What?!” Rarity stood up.

“—Rarity.”

“Apple Bloom?” Rarity said with great disbelief, looking down at Apple Bloom.

“Rarity, come over here,” Pinkie said. She did. “Rarity, all your friends hate you.”

She took a look back at Apple Bloom and left for Sequestria.

“Well, it took three Teamal Councils,” Pinkie said, “But you finally voted off Rarity. Good night.”

“Okay, I didn’t expect to have Twilight’s vote, but I honestly thought I had Apple Bloom’s. She seemed so on board with the plan. And how does she expect to win now? I explicitly explained to her that they have an alliance. It was her only reasonable option if she wanted a chance at victory. I really have no idea where her logic was coming from, but that’s what happens when you pick the wrong allies, I guess.”

Chapter 133: CMC-CA Series Leg 2

“You’re not going to win this game,” Diamond claimed without any sources.

“We don’t even have ta,” Apple Bloom said. “As long as we tah ya, we’ll still win overall.”

“You’ll be pretty lucky if that happens. You know deep down we’re going to win, so why foal yourself?”

“Well, you know deep down that Silver Spoon doesn’t like ya.”

“Hey, Silver,” said Diamond Tiara to Silver Spoon who was next to her the whole time but unmentioned, “You like me, don’t you?”

Silver Spoon nodded.

“Doesn’t matter anyway,” Apple Bloom said. “We’re gonna win.”

“We will win.”

“Ah guess we’ll fahnd out.”

“We certainly will.”

One of those matches with a bunch of dramatic shots but few actual successes later, the Cocleares Argentorum won 1–0. The six gathered near the centre of the field.

“Ah can’t believe it was a tah again,” Apple Bloom said. “Even after we played two games.”

“I told you we would win,” Diamond said. “And if we did away goals, we would’ve actually won too. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Ah was wrong. But what really matters is the fahnal score, which was a tah.”

“I know. It sucks that neither of us can gloat at the other that they’re better.”

“Ah know, rait? Anyway, can Ah ask Silver Spoon somethin’?”

“No.”

“What if Ah say it anyway?”

“What if I physically keep your mouth shut?”

“Then Sweetie Belle an’ Scootaloo won’t let ya.”

“Then Silver and Twist won’t let them.”

“Well, ya can’ ‘old me lahke that forever.”

“Are you saying Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo would lose in a fight to Silver and Twist?”

“No. Silver Spoon an’ Twist are fuckin’ weaklin’s.”

“You want to have a little fight?”

“Maybe Ah do.”

“Um, Apple Bloom?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to fight anypony.”

“I don’t want a fight either,” Scootaloo said.

“I don’t want this to turn into a fight,” Twist said as if anyone cared about her opinion.

“Well, Silver still wants to beat all of you up.”

Silver Spoon tapped Diamond Tiara’s leg.

“What?” she looked towards Silver Spoon.

Silver Spoon shook her head.

“You don’t want to fight either? For Faust’s sakes, are Apple Bloom and I really the ones here who want to kill somepony?”

“We’ll jus’ faht each other,” Apple Bloom said.

Twilight teleported there from three metres away. “Don’t fight.”

“Is it so bad ta have a friendly li’l’ fight to the unconsciousness?”

“Yes. There are ways to resolve your differences other than violence.”

“Lahke?”

“You could talk.”

“Meh.”

“I don’t think that would work,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Well, if can’t sort out your problems, you could at least not kill each other. I mean, would you rather be alive with unresolved issues or dead with unresolved issues?”

“I suppose you have a point.” “Ah guess.”

“Good.”

Silence.

“You can leave now,” Diamond said.

“Hey, Silver Spoon,” Apple Bloom said.

“Don’t answer her.”

“Whah does Dahmond not let ya talk?”

Silver Spoon didn’t answer.

“You are required to leave now.”

“Make us.”

“Doesn’t everypony except you have to leave?” Twilight said. “I actually want to leave, I have to feed Spike.”

“Yeah, Ah should be home,” Apple Bloom said.

“Rarity’s probably getting melodramatically worried about me,” Sweetie Belle said.

“I could stay,” Scootaloo said.

“I should go,” Twist said.

“Fine,” Diamond TR said. “Leave. All of you. I hate all of you. Except Silver since she’s my only true friend, and also my only false friend, except maybe Twist, but anyway, you should all leave.”

And so they all left.

Chapter 134: Author’s Cube

Scootaloo ate a doughnut. Scootaloo had a fight with a transcriber about caring about problems. Scootaloo went to school. Scootaloo laid in a cardboard box for an hour.

“And that’s why we need to replace Scootaloo,” camerapony #1 said. “Her entire life is the same thing every day.”

“Speaking for myself, that was a very convincing presentation,” dispatcher of cameraponies and transcribers Brominecraft said. “I’ll present the idea to Usergname.”

You hear a door being knocked!

“Who’s there?” Ugncreative Usergname said.

“It’s Brominecraft.”

“Brominecraft who?”

“Brominecraft. You know, the pony you hired to manage the placement of all the cameraponies and transcribers.”

“Oh.” He opened the door. “You know, you’re a unicorn, you can teleport in here.”

“Last time I tried, you freaked out because you thought I was an ‘unsolicited visitor’, direct quote.”

“Fine. Are you here to suggest the replacement of Scootaloo?”

“Camerapony #1 thinks we’ve run out of things to do with her.”

“But who’ll replace her?”

“Sweetie Belle’s improved recently.”

“Yeah, but I can’t rehire ponies.”

“Wynaut?”

“Because... um... look at all the promising ponies that haven’t had a chance yet.”

“Camerapony #3 and Butterscotch seem particularly interested, but neither of them have shown they’re good enough.”

“Tell you what. I’ll give Scootaloo a couple chapters to do some things and if she sucks, we get somepony else.”

“But who would we replace her with? Or I suppose we could just have five mane—”

“Five mane characters?! Are you fucking crazy? We need six mane characters.”

“Okay, then who should replace her?”

“Um... we’ll have a quiz show to decide.”

“Should we get a permanent studio for the quiz show so we don’t have to set it up in Sweet Apple Acres every time we need it?”

“Sure, whatever. Now get some staff over to Scootaloo.”

Scootaloo nonchalantly took a bite of her vegetable doughnut.

“Hey, transcriber #1,” camerapony #1 said.

“Shh!” transcriber #1 said. “Something might happen and I don’t need you to talk over it.”

Scootaloo took another bite of the doughnut.

“I got so—”

“Shh.”

“Can you stop talking about me like I’m an animal?” Scootaloo said. She didn’t get any answers, and so took another bite of doughnut, chewing and swallowing it successfully. “Am I allowed to talk to the cameras this chapter?”

“AFFIRMATIVE!”

“Okay. Well, I have something to say. This doughnut sucks. I’ve had some doughnuts that I didn’t like before, like the flavour with the butter filling or that powdered sugar one that made me hallucinate, but this one is definitely the worst I’ve ever had. The very concept of a veggie doughnut doesn’t work at all.” She took another bite of it and there was an awkward silence whilst she ate it. “I wish this wasn’t my only food or I just wouldn’t eat it. I’d probably give it to some starving street foal who’d appreciate having food at all.” She took another bite. “I fucking hate this doughnut flavour.”

Silence.

“Are you sure you can’t take me somewhere?” Scootaloo said. “Why can’t I just mooch off ponies’ private property like Rainbow Dash? Why is it okay when she does it?”

“Is that doughnut making you angry?” transcriber #1 said.

“No.”

“Not you, camerapony #1, I meant Scootaloo.”

“A little... look, I know why it is, it’s because Rainbow pays for her own food and I don’t, but... come on, I’m a street foal. And I’m cute. Why won’t anypony adopt ol’ Scootaloo? Well, young Scootaloo. Nopony would adopt some 80-year-old pony they found on a street corner, but you know what I mean. So am I interesting enough to have my job?”

“The ratings will let us know soon enough,” transcriber #1 said.

“At least I know I won’t starve for a while if I just use the money when I need it.”

“Where do you have your money?”

“Underground.”

“Underground?”

“I bury it like a dog.”

“Okay....”

Silence.

“You know why the executives don’t like me? It’s because I don’t have anypony I’m paired up with. There are the Appledash and Twidash and Octavia/Lyra scenes, but I’m just by myself. That’s the problem. What are you supposed to do with one character? It’s not like I have any psychological problems to explore or anything. I don’t adventure, either....” She sighed. “I’m going to bed.” She curled up in her box like a cat.

Silence.

“Can I tell you my important information now?” camerapony #1 said.

“‘Important information’?” transcriber #1 said.

“Information.”

“What?”

“I said ‘information’.”

“No, I mean what’s the information?”

“Oh. I got drunk with the other cameraponies last—”

“Cameraponies 3 and 4 don’t drink, and camerapony #2 hates you.”

“Really? I remember them being there....”

“Maybe it was from the alcohol.”

“Maybe....”

Silence.

“I have an idea,” camerapony #1 said.

“What?”

“Let’s do a Rarity chapter next!”

“What.”

“Yeah! Have we ever actually given her a chance?”

“Not really....”

“Exactly! So you wanna watch Scootaloo sleep or that?”

“Fine. She gets one chance.”

“Then let’s go!”

Chapter 135: Chapter CXXIII-2

The door of Rarity’s house was knocked by camerapony #1.

“Who is it?”

“What are the chances it’s some sort of serial killer?”

“Who is it?”

“Camerapony #1 and transcriber #1.”

“Camerapony #1 who and transcriber #1 who?”

“We’re making a show with Sapphire Shores.”

Rarity opened the door with the force of a slamming.

“Whereisshe?”

“She’s not here,” camerapony #1 said, “We just decided that you should get a scene.”

“Well, you could have just told me that. Come in.”

They came in.

“Is there anything specific you wanted me to talk about?”

“No,” camerapony #1 said. “However, you should be informed that rants about large companies are so in right now.”

“But I like large companies.”

“Evil companies.”

“But I like McWalBP and Applesoft—”

“You mean Applejack’s third cousin i times removed?”

“No, the company.”

“You mean Apple and Microsoft? Those are two separate companies.”

“But McWalBP—”

“Keep listing evil companies you like.”

“I like Zynga.”

“Gasp! Why? How?”

“Well, I like games where you’re only allowed to do something exactly four to eight hours after the last thing you do.”

“But there are games where you can only do a certain number of things each day and they’re really fun.”

“Yes, but I like it when you don’t get to choose when to do everything.”

“Anyway, enough Zynga bashing. Anything you wanna tell the viewers about?”

“I’m not interested in anything your target audience is.”

“Our target audience is many things. Males 18–25. Voyeurs. People and ponies who play Minecraft. Most of them are all three. Surely you’re interested in males 18–25?”

“Twenty-five might be a bit too old for me, but....”

“Right. But you are very desperate.”

“I am not desperate.”

“Yes, you are.”

“I know... but the only reason you said that was to get me to cry on camera. You don’t actually want to help me.”

“I’m sure there are a few desperate sixteen-year-old colts in Ponyville.”

“You still don’t want to help me.”

“You should visit desperatesingles.com.”

“Can I actually do something for my scene instead of just talking?”

Camerapony #1 and transcriber #1 talked for a moment.

“Get Sweetie Belle,” camerapony #1 said.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Sweetie Belle!”

Sweetie Belle ran diagonally to the place that was just inside the door. “Yes, Rarity?”

“We’re apparently meant to do a scene together.”

“But I have homework to do.”

Transcriber #1 glanced at her laptop. “We should go back to Scootaloo.”

“Okay,” camerapony #1 said. “Bye, ponies.”

“Bye,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Goodbye,” Rarity said.

“Farewell.”

“Adieu.”

Sweetie Belle looked downward in shame. “It’s not really a fair fight when I’m going against the world fanciness champion.”

Something probably happened after that, but they were already gone, so if something did happen, I don’t know what it was. They went back to Scootaloo.

“She’s still asleep,” transcriber #1 said.

“No shit,” camerapony #1 said.

Silence.

“Any idea how the game show studio’s going?” transcriber #1 said.

“No.”

Silence.

“I don’t think we should keep Scootaloo if we tell her ‘do better or you’re sacked’ and then she goes to sleep in the middle of a chapter.”

“Maybe.”

Chapter 136: Mane Character For a Foreseeable Future Alpha Plus Platinum Premium Unrated with Nuts in Space Deluxe

“Hello, greetings, and salutations,” Pinkie Pie said, “And welcome to Mane Character For a Foreseeable Future Alpha Plus Platinum Premium Unrated with Nuts in Space Deluxe, the game where if you actually know the answer, you should put down the laptop and stop cheating!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“Here are our contestants! From Ponyville, Ponyprovince, one of the few ponies so awesome he has a sizable religion based around him, Big Mac!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“From Ponyville, Ponyprovince, the assistant of Twilight Sparkle, Spike!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“And from Ponyville, Ponyprovince, our defending champion, Big Mac fangirl Butterscotch!”

The crowd cheered.

“Now, here’s how the game works. There’ll be seven questions, each worth a thousand points, except the last, which is worth fifteen hundred. Whoever has the most points at the end wins! Now are you READAY?!”

“Yeah!” the audience said.

“I said are YOU READAY?!”

“YEAH!” said the audience.

“Good! For one thousand points, and also one thousand bits if you win the game but lose the bonus round, here’s the first question. According to a study conducted by the Equestrian Census Bureau, raisins were most commonly traded with what food among fillies ten and under?”

A ding ensued, and Butterscotch’s podium turned a pale yellow colour.

“Yes, Butterscotch!”

“Bubble gum!”

“Wrong! Anypony else?”

There was no answer.

“Come on!” Pinkie said. “There’s no penalty for getting it wrong!”

Butterscotch rang in.

“Butterscotch, you can’t answer the same question twice. And time’s up! The correct answer is adolescent carrots. Next question: what do I want to do?”

Butterscotch’s podium turned a pale green.

“Yes, Butterscotch!”

“Be the very best?”

“No.”

Big Mac rang in.

“Yes, Big Mac!”

“Know what love is.”

“Correct!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“After two questions, Big Mac leads with a thousand points, but the points also represent money, so it’s okay for them to be in large numbers! Last question before our first commercial: this whey-containing nineteenth-century sweet officially became kosher in 2009.”

Nobody answered.

“Come on! No penalty!”

Butterscotch’s podium acquired some pale red polka dots.

“Yes, Butterscotch!”

“Butterscotch!”

“Wrong! Anypony else?” She waited for a literal second. “Time’s up! The correct answer is Tootsie Rolls. Well, that’s three questions, and so far Big Mac leads by a thousand. We’ll see you after these extremely important messages!”

If you don’t save a puppy, we’re going to keep running this commercial and making you feel vaguely guilty or something for a moment!

“Hello and welcome back to Mane Character For a Foreseeable Future Alpha Plus Platinum Premium Unrated with Nuts in Space Deluxe! When we last left off, Big Mac was in the lead with one thousand points. Now here’s question #4: how can palm trees be blue?”

Big Mac rang in.

“Yes, Big Mac!”

“Paint.”

“Correct! Big Mac has two thousand points!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“Okay, question number five: how many times has Twilight clopped today?”

Spike rang in.

“Yes, Spike!”

“Three!”

“Correct!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“That’s 2,000 points for Big Mac, 1,000 for Spike, and none for Butterscotch. Next question: what is Big Mac’s favourite yoke?”

Butterscotch rang in.

“Yes, Butterscotch?”

“The only one he has!”

“Correct! Whoever gets the next question right wins! Or if nopony gets it, Big Mac wins! So for the game, here is the final question.” Pinkie deliberately took the card at a slow rate to increase the tension. “Final question: by the way, I—hey, who wrote this?” Pinkie took the next card on the deck. “Final question: who are the official suppliers of Applejack’s duct tape which Rainbow still hasn’t gotten off?”

Butterscotch rang in.

“Yes, Butterscotch!”

“3M!”

“Correct! Butterscotch wins!”

The audience cheered mildly as Butterscotch went to the centre of the stage.

“So, Butterscotch,” Pinkie read off a card, “How does it feel to win without exploiting a loophole?”

“Legitimate! I just wish I didn’t have to beat Big Mac to do it.”

“It’s not Survivor, you can give him some of your prize money.”

“Really? That’s awesome!”

“Now it’s time for the bonus round. If you get this question right, you dectuple your winnings! Ready?!”

“Yeah!”

“Okay! For an additional... um... that minus 2,500... 22,500 bits, here’s the question! The Bread and Cheese Revolt began in what year?!”

“Um... 1492?”

“That... iiiiis... wrong. The correct answer is 1491.”

“I can’t believe I was that close.”

“Neither can anypony! See you next time a street foal gets sacked from a reality show on...”

“MANE CHARACTER FOR A FORESEEABLE FUTURE ALPHA PLUS PLATINUM PREMIUM UNRATED WITH NUTS IN SPACE DELUXE!” the audience, contestants, and Pinkie Pie said.

Chapter 137: In Which the Characters Are Paired Off with Other Characters They Vaguely Dislike

A Sweet Apple Acres housebarn door knocking incident occurred, but after a literal minute, it went unanswered.

“Is anypony home?” Butterscotch said into the door. There was no answer. She looked up at the sun. Not directly into the sun, just enough to see its rough position in the sky. “I wish I remembered to bring my copyright-friendly iPad or I wouldn’t have to be using this weird sun time I heard about... but it looks like Apple Bloom’s at school, Applejack and Big Mac are apple-bucking, and Granny Smith is asleep. So I guess that makes sense. I guess I’ll stalk Big Mac.”

She looked for Big Mac and spotted him apple-bucking in exactly the position she predicted.

“I found him,” Butterscotch whispered into camerapony sqrt(2)’s camera. “He’s exactly where I predicted him to be. The trick is getting close without having him—or Applejack—notice....”

There was a stealth mission that would’ve been totally exciting if this wasn’t text, then Butterscotch managing to get herself nicely situated behind a hedge I may or may not have made up. I seem to remember one existed.

“Hi, Stalk,” Butterscotch whispered.

“Oh, hi, Butterscotch,” Wheat Stalk said in just as quiet a voice.

“How long have you been here?”

The wheat brown Wheat Stalk checked her product-placed iPad. “About an hour.”

“Cool. You get any good viewing done?”

“Yeah. Definitely better than usual.”

“Cool.” Butterscotch did some strategic scooting ten centimetres over and got a hoof in some strangely squishy dirt. “Um, why does this dirt feel moist?”

“Oh, well, I was clopping around there and....”

“Ew!” Butterscotch took her hoof off the ground. “Holy Faust....”

“Come on, is it really that bad?”

“Yes. I need to wash this off somehow, because this is....”

“This isn’t my fault, you’ve done the exact same thing. Another pony just happened to come here after I did it.”

“It’s still your fault. I think what you’re actually trying to do is call me hypocritical.”

“Why have you gotten so sane recently?”

“I’m pretty normal when I’m not around Big Mac.”

“But you are right now.”

“Look, I need at the very least a towel or something, because this... is that Applejack over there?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I need to do a scene with her. It’s my contract with the show.”

Just as Applejack was about to open the Sweet Apple Acres door, Butterscotch grabbed her opening leg.

“What the f—” Applejack quickly looked to her right. “Oh, it’s you. Whah did they hafta pair me up with you?”

“I like you. You’ve had sex with Big Mac. Don’t you realise what means to us? Not us us, like my community us, but you know.”

“Ah don’t care. Name one thing we ‘ave in common.”

“Um... we both wear a hat all the time. I sleep in this cap. Not like I constantly wear this or anything, I have more than one so I don’t have to wear a dirty one, and I take it off in the shower....”

“Ah need to go insahde for an unspecifahed reason.”

“I need to follow you.”

“You can’t come in.”

Butterscotch pushed Applejack and ran into the house. Applejack followed.

“Ah’ll just beat you to the knockout and throw ya outsahde.”

“You’re too moral to do that.”

“You sayin’ Ah couldn’t do it?”

“I’m saying you wouldn’t do it, because you’re Applejack and the only reasons you beat ponies up are if one, they really deserve it, or two, they’re Rainbow Dash.”

“Ah do lahke how she lahkes that. Big Mac doesn’t, and Ah really wish he did... uh, sorry, that was weird to put in the middle of a conversation lahke that.”

“So what are you inside for?”

“You don’t need to know.”

“Fine. So... any news?”

Apple Bloom should be here soon.”

“Why do you need to be inside for that?”

“You jus—”

Big Mac barged in.

“Hey, Big Mac.” “Can I touch you, Big Mac?”

“I caught a fangirl stalker,” Big Mac said. “She’s a fangirl and a stalker, not a pony who stalks fangirls. Well, she could be for all I know. But I put her in the dungeon.”

“Ah’ll go an’ see ‘er,” Applejack said.

“Dungeon?” Butterscotch said.

“We—well, we told Twilaht to, and she put a few cells in the purposeless base,” Applejack said.

“That sounds illegal.”

“It is.”

They went to the dungeon together. If you’re wondering how Butterscotch resisted touching Big Mac, he told her to again. Wheat Stalk banged on the bars of the roughly-cut cell. “Butterscotch, you’re here! Get me out!”

“How?” Butterscotch said. She looked towards Applejack and Big Mac. “Can I bail her out or something?”

Applejack and Big Mac whispered to each other for several seconds.

“Four bits,” Applejack said.

“Two bits,” Butterscotch said.

“Butterscotch?” Wheat Stalk said.

“Yeah?”

“I’m not worth four bits?”

“Shut up, I’m negotiating.”

Applejack and Big Mac whispered to each other for several seconds.

“It’s four bits,” Applejack said, “Take it or leave it.”

“What, so I can’t haggle a bail price? Fine. I’ll take the four bi... where did my bag go? Fuck, I don’t have it.”

“You can get ‘er when you have the money,” Applejack said. “Until then, she gets to stare at that soil an’ eat apples.”

“I know what prison is. I’ll run to my house and come right back, okay, Stalk?”

“Okay.”

Rainbow knocked on the door of the house of Octavia. Octavia proceeded to answer said door.

“Hello, Rainbow Dash.”

“Look, I’m just here ‘cause ah the fic, I don’t wanna be with you.”

“I like you. What don’t you like about me?”

“I never said I didn’t like you. You’re good Rarity, I love that. It’s just that you’re not really a friend of mine, so....”

“Sorry. You want to come in?”

“Sure.”

She came in.

“Your house is like Rarity levels of clean.”

“Um, Rainbow?”

“Yeah?”

“Lyra doesn’t want anypony to describe the house. And I don’t have a preference, so don’t describe the house.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“No, it’s okay, you didn’t know. Come on, sit down on the—um. Well, you see it.”

“Yeah.”

They sat down on opposite ends of the television-facing couch.

“So do we have any common interests?” Rainbow said. “At all?”

“Not that I can immediately think of....”

“So... you hate Vinyl Scratch?”

“I don’t hate her, I just hate her taste. And her personality. And her moral values. I guess I do hate her.”

“You’re just stuck-up.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “You’re... I don’t want to get into an insult fight.”

“I hate your music. Well, I don’t hate it, I hate the genre. But I still hate it.”

“You can’t make me angry, I’m Octavia.”

“I could kill Lyra, that would make you pretty angry.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Oh, I would.”

“That wasn’t ‘you wouldn’t’, I meant an eye-rolling ‘no, you wouldn’t’.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“I wonder how Twilight’s doing with Lyra,” Rainbow thought.

“I wonder how Lyra’s doing with Twilight,” Octavia thought.

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Spike said.

“It’s Lyra for the pairing up thing.”

“Lyra for the pairing up thing who?”

“Lyra is an employee at Bon Bon’s—”

Spike opened the door.

“Welcome to Twilight’s,” Spike said, “Tonight we have a—”

“Did she tell you to do any of this?”

“No.”

“Where is she?”

“Copyright-friendly Facebooking.”

And so Lyra went up to the bedroom.

“Twilight?” Lyra said. Twilight looked to her left.

“You’re here.”

“Yes. They want us together in a scene.”

“I know. I wish they’d stop interfering with our lives and just go back to documenting Rainbow and Applejack having sex.”

“I know, right? We should write a strongly worded letter.”

“No, it needs to be something classy and polite. We need a calmly worded epistle.”

“We should write one.”

“We will.”

“So how should it start?” Lyra said, sitting with Twilight, at a desk, in front of a blank piece of paper, strategically placed on the desk.

“Dear Programme Productions?” Twilight said.

“I thought that much was implied, I meant....”

“Oh. Yeah, I’m not sure.”

“We...?”

“...Want...”

“...A? Or do we want something uncountable? Well, let’s think about it. We... want... a...”

“Rock.”

TWO DAYS LATER!

“Calmly,” Twilight said as she wrote it, “Twilight and Lyra.”

“Hey! Why do you get to be first?”

“Because I wrote most of the epistle.”

“So? ‘Lyra and Twilight’ sounds better, and it’s alphabetical.”

Twilight magicked an envelope. “I’m sending it like this.”

“You know what? I’ll write my own epistle, with myself as the sole author.”

“Fine. Ours will be way more persuasive, though.”

Chapter 138: Meal of Love

“So how did the letter go?” Rainbow Dash said.

“It was an epistle.”

“What are you doing here, Apple Bloom?”

“Ah’m not Apple Bloom,” she said, “Ah’m ‘er explodin’ second cousin Apple Boom.” She then exploded, spreading organs and blood all over the walls and Rainbow.

Twilight walked into the room. “Rainbow?”

“Yeah?”

“What happened in here?”

“Apple Boom finally exploded.”

“Oh. That’s kinda sad.”

After a week of cleanup, the chapter continued.

“So how’s the house thing going?”

“Not well, nopony wants to buy it.”

“Oh. I was hoping for the opposite answer.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Don’t be like that, Rainbow.”

“When did you get so strict?”

“Yesterday.”

Silence.

“Wanna randomly go out on a romantic dinner?” Rainbow said.

“Really?”

“Yeah. ‘Cause I feel like it.”

“But I’m your backup girlfriend. Did you just do this with Applejack?”

“No.”

“Did you have plans to?”

“No. Don’t be so paranoid, you know I love you.”

“But this is so... romantic. Won’t she be pissed?”

“She can be pissed if she wants to.”

Apple Bloom ran upstairs to Applejack’s room and gave its door a sound knock in the... um....

“Who’s there?” Applejack said.

“It’s Apple Bloom.”

“Apple Bloom who?”

“Ah’m the only pony with a voice remotely close ta this, AJ.”

Applejack opened the door.

“Ah’ve got some bad news,” Apple Bloom said.

“Ah heard.”

“Oh....”

“Ah can’t believe we lost ta Water-on-sea.”

“Not that, it’s even more important.”

“If it’s not about hoofball or Rainbow, then don’t lah.”

“Apple Boom dahed.”

“Aww, that’s kinda sad.”

“Ah know. Can we ‘ave a sad parent-foal talk about death?”

“You already know how death works.”

“Ah know....”

Silence.

“After we learned she had Pineco’s, we knew it wouldn’t be long...” Applejack said.

“Yeah....”

Silence.

“Ah’ll tell Big Mac,” Applejack said. “Ah don’t know what it is, but there’s just somethin’ about you an’ Big Mac talkin’ that seems weird.”

“Ah think it’s just you.”

Meanlater at Focaccia Shack, Twilight and Rainbow Dash had been seated.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Octavia said.

“I—” Rainbow said, “Wait, you’re Octavia. You work here?”

“Yes. Is there a problem with that?”

“No. I just expected your job to be more... musicy... al. Musical.”

“Before I got this job, my only source of income was playing at unnecessary galas run by Celestia or fashion magnates, but I wanted to have something a bit... steadier, I suppose.” She was going to say a few sentences about how painful and character-building the waiter training was and how she gained a lot of respect for what she once regarded as a chumpy job, but Rainbow said something.

“That reminds me, Twilight,” Rainbow turned to Twilight, “I forgot to make fun of you for being worried about Celestia with the whole love thing.”

“Well, it seems like logically she would’ve been... um... there are foals here,” Twilight said.

Rainbow looked around. “No, there aren’t. What would tons of foals be doing at a medium-high-class focacceria?”

“Whatever, I don’t want to swear.”

“She was really happy after she got over the initial shock. Same as everypony.”

“I know, but still, I was justified in being worried.”

“Can I get you anything to drink?”

“Water,” Twilight said.

“The fancy lemonade,” Rainbow said.

“I’ll get those for you.” She went to the next table.

“I wish we had gone to a place that was cooler with public displays of affection,” Rainbow said.

“I know, right? I mean, I’m not saying they should let us have sex or anything, but just a little kissing....”

“Exactly.”

Silence.

“I wonder what was so important to AJ today that she didn’t want me over,” Rainbow said.

“I don’t know. You know, with all this weird shit she does, I should be upgraded from backup to secondary.”

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t really need you. I need AJ or I’ll get depressed, but you’re lucky to even have me.”

“You don’t need me? I’m unnecessary? Even though you honestly love me? We’re not pure just fuckbuddies, you know, I thought that was the point of this. So could I just end this right now and you wouldn’t feel anything?”

“You’re just something extra I have, AJ’s my main girlfriend.”

“Fine. Then I’ll just treat you as a hobby too.”

“Go ahead.”

Rainbow waited.

“I’m sorry,” Twilight said, deciding that crying and putting her head face-down on the table was well-advised. “I shouldn’t be so pushy and demanding and ridiculous about it. If you don’t want to be with me as often, I shouldn’t try to force you into anything. You can do whatever you want with your love life, and if I’m not good enough for you, that’s my fault. I’m sorry I was thinking so highly of myself. You’re right, I don’t even deserve you, and I am really fortunate to even have you in any way whatsoever....”

“I feel romantic love for you, you do deserve me.”

“Then why am I ‘something extra’?”

“‘Cause I wanted to see how you’d react.”

“I hate you.”

“You know, it’s funny how easily a lotta ponies around here seem to cry.”

“We’re breaking up.”

“Okay. It was really nice being with you, and I still love you if you wanna get back together.”

They ate some bread and made a bunch of in-jokes. Eventually Octavia came by with drinks and they ordered things, but it wasn’t exciting.

“Well, American English is easier,” Rainbow said. “You can just call everything raisins.”

“Sure, but British English is more specific. You have better information and it’s just as concise.”

“Well, yeah, but American English is easier. And for some things, I can understand, but when will you ever need to differentiate between raisins and sultanas? Honestly, when would it ever make a difference? When would anypony even care?”

“How did we start talking about this?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Maybe we should move on to something less emotionally charged.”

“Probably, we’re never gonna agree on this anyway.”

Silence.

“So...” Twilight said.

“What?”

“How about those....”

“Yeah?”

“Those....”

“Stop pretending you have something to say.”

“Look, I just want to have sex with you, all right? Normally I would just clop or rape you, but I’m in a semiformal restaurant....”

“Can you stop raping me?”

“Why? You like it, don’t you?”

“Well, usually.”

“I’m know it’s annoying sometimes, but what am I supposed to do? Control my urges like a normal pony?”

“Do whatever you want with your urges, but don’t rape me.”

“But you’ve said before that you liked it. Why have you suddenly changed your mind?”

“It’s rape. I should probably be breaking up over it.”

“I’m sorry, Rainbow, I’ve been so inconsiderate of—no, I don’t feel like it. Why are you messing with me so much?”

“It’s only been twice.”

“That’s a lot of times for how long the times were.”

“Fine. I won’t do it again today, I swear.”

“You can’t just ‘swear’ and expect it to be meaningful. You have to swear on something like the enclosed instruction book or spaghetti.”

“I swear on my religion’s holy texts.”

“You’re an atheist.”

“Well, um... I won’t do it. You trust me, right?”

“Not without something to swear on.”

“Then you’ll just have to realise when I’m messing with you better. By the way, I’m not sure if we can have wild sex tonight.”

“Can we have a different kind of sex?”

“You’re not very good at this.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

With the flow stopped yet again, Rainbow took another slice of delicious Focaccia Shack sourdough and put a disgusting amount of butter on it.

“That’s a disgusting amount of butter,” Twilight said.

“Don’t tell me how to live my life.”

“The lack of effort you put into spreading it makes it even worse.”

She finished her bite before responding, giving her extra time to come up with something cutting and witty. “Don’t tell me how to live my life.”

“I’m tempted to have a piece just to show you how to do it properly.”

“You already had one and I saw you. And I didn’t tell you you were doing food wrong.”

“Because I was doing it right.”

“When did you suddenly turn into Rarity?”

“I’m not acting like Rarity.”

“You’re acting exactly like Rarity.”

“This isn’t going anywhere, so can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Why did you win so much money for a race with celebrities? Shouldn’t you at least have won a bunch of money for your chosen charity?”

“Only a few ponies showed up for the last one, so that was their solution. Not that it worked.”

“I see.”

“They’re not having another one next year.”

“That’s sad.”

Rainbow took another bite of butter. “So how’re the foals?”

“Um... Spike’s fine.”

“Are they getting good grades and eating healthy breakfasts?”

“He has a way of getting food, he doesn’t need school.”

“Are they eating—”

“Yeah, he’s fine.”

Octavia came by, and let me tell you, if you think waiting looks hard for bipeds, you should see what she’s doing.

“Thank you.” “Thanks.”

“Can I get you anything else?”

“No, thanks.” “I’m good.”

“All right. Pleasurable consumption!”

Octavia went away forever and they looked at the food they had ordered. Twilight had focaccia and a weird salad I’ll explain later, and Rainbow had focaccia and kyselo. Okay, so the salad—look, you can JFGI if you don’t know what kyselo is, all right? So it didn’t have anything green in it. Purple leaves, olives (also featured in the focaccia), tomatoes, but nothing green. And the weird is, they didn’t design it that way at all, it’s just pure coincidence that it happened. Though once they realised what the designer had done, they decided to market it like they were creative. They ate their food for a minute, then it was time to ask each other if they liked said food.

“Do you like your food?” Twilight said.

“It’s pretty good, I don’t have anything to complain about. Yours?”

“I have the exact same comment.”

“I wonder if the transcribers have described what it’s like in here yet.”

Ponies were talking and there were tables.

“I don’t know. How’s the... flying?”

“Still winnin’ everything.”

“You know, Rainbow.”

“There are a lot of Rainbows. You mean Rainbow Dash? I know of her.”

“You know, Rainbow.”

“Of course I know her—”

“Rainbow.”

“What? For Faust’s sakes, Twilight....”

“Sometimes I say things just to break awkward silences, but I don’t actually have anything to say and then it gets more awkward. Do you think I should just stop trying or what?”

“I think you should let your girlfriends finish their Star Wars references.”

“Girlfriend... s?”

“You know what I mean. And to answer your question, you should stop trying. Awkwardness is a social construct anyway.”

“Well, I know, but....”

“Look, if you weren’t doin’ it anyway, why did you ask me?”

“I don’t know... to get through the awkward silence. Sometimes I say things just to—”

“I know.”

They suddenly remembered they were at a restaurant and ate their food. It tasted so not exciting but nothing screwed up about it that they nearly burst with contentment.

“That food was so well-executed,” Rainbow said.

“This was a somewhat better than adequate way to spend my time and hunger,” Twilight said.

“If this restaurant was a hoofball club and they played against an average club, they would somehow come away with two points.”

“I don’t know if it’s that good....”

Octavia came by. “It looks like you’re done with those?”

“Yes,” they both said.

“Okay.” She took the dishes. Don’t ask. Don’t ask how waiting is simultaneously an easy and hard job either. “Are either of you getting dessert?”

“No.”

“Okay. I’ll get the bill.”

As quickly as she came, she was gone. Then someone had to talk.

“So what can I do to be upgraded to secondary girlfriend?”

“Nothing.”

“So I already am?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I know.”

“So were are we going, just back to your house?”

“That’s what I figured. Should I just teleport us there?”

“But I like moving.”

“Okay, then we’ll walk.”

Octavia dropped off the bill, but there was a problem.

“You pay for it,” Rainbow said.

“You have more money.”

“You have that job.”

“Okay.” She signed it and didn’t have trouble figuring out the tip since it was a percentage and she lived in a decimal society. Seriously, unless you need to split it between seven people or something, there’s no reason why you should have any trouble. And why are they using decimal anyway? They should use base four or hexadecimal. Am I the only one who cares? Maybe it was dragons. But then it would be eight. So anyway, they left the building and went to a different building. They were both so unwilling to say something first that they never talked at all.

“You know what time it is?” Rainbow said. She knocked the door.

“I don’t know. The sun just set.”

“Twilight.”

Spike got the door. “You have a house, Rainbow Dash.”

“Hi,” Rainbow said.

“We don’t want to have sex in public, so just let us in,” Twilight said.

“What if I don’t?”

“Then I’ll knock you out.”

“Then how can I ‘let’ you in?”

“Let us in.”

“Uh... you can come in.”

Today was the day they really went in. No frills, just the pure essence of entering a building through its front door pervading their minds.

“Should we go to the bedroom or should I just rape you here?”

“First, I agree to have sex with you, and I’m still agreeing, so don’t call it rape. Second, we should go to the bedroom.”

They walked up there. Feel free to use that sentence in your own fanfic.

“How do you keep bugs out of here?”

“Magic.”

“That’s it?”

“Yes.”

“Now I’m bored.”

“I know a way to fix that.”

“Play games on Nintendo hoofhelds?”

“Well, yeah, but something more... you know what I meant, I don’t know why I’m even doing this.”

“I don’t either.” She laid down on the floor. “So do whatever you want to me. Ow, okay, not—ow. Ow! Stop. Seriously, stop. Please. Octagon. Kakistocracy. Beryllium. Please.”

Chapter 140: The Final Organised Meetup

Butterscotch knocked the Sweet Apple Acres door, an experience few ever got.

“Who’s there?” said Applejack, who was right by the door.

“Butterscotch.”

Hoofstep sounds could be heard going away from the door.

“Wait! I have a good explanation!”

Meanwhile, Applejack was in the kitchen wondering if apple pie every other breakfast was really a good idea.

“Is this even locked?” Butterscotch tried to open the door. “Okay, so it is locked. But if you can still hear me, let me in! I have a legitimate reason for coming here!”

Applejack commenced the production of an apple sandwich.

“I swear I won’t do anything to Big Mac if that’s what you’re worried about! Let me in!”

Applejack continued the aforementioned production.

“Okay, so I’ve voyeured on your brother before, maybe you think that’s a little creepy. But if don’t let me in, then bad stuff will happen like... um... I’ll break in! With an axe!”

Applejack thought about how slicing an apple like a tomato, like she was doing now, was slightly unusual.

“Okay, I don’t own an axe and I don’t know where I’d get one. And I wouldn’t destroy something Big Mac wouldn’t want me to. But this is the last scene where they artificially put characters together! And it’s us! You wouldn’t want to miss that, would you?”

Applejack wondered how much of her teachings, as they were, made it to Twilight unmodified.

“The last scene?” Twilight said, watching this chapter live on television. “So they did listen! Either that or it’s a coincidence.”

“You should ask which letter they liked better,” Spike said.

“I’ll do that right now.”

“Come on! Sure, I’m a creepy stalker, but I’m still your friend, right?”

Applejack finished up the sandwich.

“Okay, so I’m like every other Big Mac fangirl around here... okay, I’ll say it, stalker, except I’ve been on a game show, but come on! Big Mac likes me... okay, he dislikes me a bit, but Apple Bloom... um... I don’t know how she feels about me, so let me in!”

Applejack began sandwich consumption.

“What about Granny Smith? She’s still alive, right? She must care about me.”

Applejack continued sandwich consumption.

“I don’t know what you’re doing in there, but you should be letting me in.”

Moar nomming happened.

“You’re losing lines by not answering me, you know.”

Applejack got a strainer because they were out of plates, put her sandwich in it, and answered the door.

“What do you want?”

“I said, it’s our contracts.”

“Well, Ah’ve been in the scene, so can Ah finish what Ah’m doin’ now?”

“Technically, I guess, but I was thinking—”

Applejack slammed the door and returned to the kitchen. Butterscotch came in anyway, as she forgot to lock it. She went into the kitchen.

“Applejack?”

“Mmyeh?” Applejack tried to say “yeah” with sandwich in her mouth.

“Is it okay if I make physical contact with Big Mac?”

Applejack swallowed the sandwich bite. “That’s up to him.”

“Okay.”

And so Butterscotch walked up some stairs to Big Mac’s room. She tried opening the door, but it was locked, so she knocked. Big Mac paused Minecraft and answered it.

“Hi, Big Mac. Can I touch you?”

“Why?”

“Because... um... I actually expected you to say no and slam the door. It’s because I was here anyway and Applejack won’t do a scene, so I was wondering—”

Big Mac put a leg behind Butterscotch’s neck and forced her into a passionate kiss lasting a few seconds. He pulled her into the room and closed the door.

“I always knew you were different from the others—”

“Butterscotch?” Applejack said.

“Huh?”

“You gonna go over there or are you just gonna stand there lookin’ lost in thought?”

“Um, yeah, I’m gonna go over there.”

And so Butterscotch walked up some stairs to Big Mac’s room. She tried opening the door, but it was locked, so she knocked. Big Mac paused Minecraft and answered it.

“Hi, Big Mac. Can I touch you?”

“Why?”

“Because... um... I actually expected you to say no and slam the door. It’s because I was here anyway and Applejack won’t do a scene, so I was wondering—”

“I’m busy.”

Butterscotch tilted her head. “You’re playing Minecraft.”

“And? So?”

“Not that I’m insulting your judgment of—never mind, I am—but that’s not work.”

Big Mac stared into her eyes in the scary way and not the romantic way. “Do you dare question the judgment of Big Macintosh Apple?”

Butterscotch inhaled heavily and curled up into a ball. “I’m sorry, Big Mac... don’t kill me, I know you’re infallible, killing me won’t help anypony....”

Big Mac put his hoof about twenty centimetres above Butterscotch’s head.

“Look, I know what I did was wrong, I know why it was wrong, so if you could spare my life, that’d be pretty cool....”

Big Mac stood normally and looked at her normally. “I’m just messing with you, Butterscotch.”

Hearing Big Mac use her name like that nearly made her faint. “Really?”

“Eeyup.”

Hearing that compounded what she already felt and did make her faint. In the meantime, Big Mac did nothing, as that was the extent of what he could do until he finally chose a block. The sound of Butterscotch standing up made him come back over.

“You’re, like, one level below Fluttershy. What kind of a bastard am I that Big Mac messes with me? Really.”

“You’re just another fangirl to me. I don’t think of you as any different from all the other ones.”

“I know, but if—”

Big Mac slammed the door.

“How can I get him to like me? I don’t know, Butterscotch, why would I know that? I don’t know, I thought you might know something I don’t. But I’m you. Anyway, there has to be some way I can get him to like and/or physically be in contact with me. There was that time with the hoofshake where he touched me, but obviously he would’ve done that with anypony, and there’s that time he carried me that he would’ve done with anypony... I don’t know, I can’t find a pattern.

“Let’s see, why does he hate me? Well, I secretly watch and clop to him apple-bucking. I’m sure that’s one thing. Well, he’s never said he doesn’t like it. But if he doesn’t like that, that can’t be the only thing anyway....”

Meanwhile downstairs, Applejack was still eating.

“This apple sandwich idea wasn’t very good,” Applejack said to herself.

“Maybe you should trah some different kahnds ah apples,” Apple Bloom said, also to Applejack.

“Apple Bloom? Ah thought you were upstairs.”

“That was the old Apple Bloom, AJ. Ah’m a different pony now.”

“Ahkay....”

Butterscotch entered.

“Hi, Butterscotch,” they said.

“Big Mac doesn’t like me. I mean, I knew that before, but I can’t think of any ways to make him not not like me.”

“Stop bein’ creepy?” Applejack said.

“Okay, but seriously.”

“Well, Ah dunno what Ah can tell ya. That’s what he hates ya for, so stop doin’ that.”

“Well, if he wouldn’t want me to do it... but it’s so tempting and irresistible and stuff.”

“So? Ah can resist stuff just fine, you can too.”

“You rape your girlfriend sometimes, are you really the best model for that?”

“Yes.”

“I disagree.”

“Then Apple Bloom can decahde.”

They both turned to Apple Bloom.

“This is gonna sound weird, but Ah think Butterscotch is raht.”

“Seriously?” Applejack said.

“Seriously,” Apple Bloom said.

“If you don’ agree with me, you can spend the naht with Scootaloo.”

“Ah’ll ask Big Mac how he feels about that.”

“Hey, remember when Granny Smith did anythin’? Ever?”

“Yeah. Good tahmes.”

Silence.

“I’m good,” Butterscotch said, “So I’ll just be going now....”

Applejack and Apple Bloom momentarily turned into sheep.

Chapter 141: Opal Dies

“You made that up, Rainbow,” Twilight said in a location you’ll never be able to guess.

“It’s true!”

“DirecTV was not founded by ‘William Direc’.”

“It’s true!”

“Rainbow, you know that it’s not true.”

“It’s true!”

“Rainbow.”

“It’s true!”

“Knock-knock.”

“It’s—um, who’s there?”

“Shut up about William Direc.”

“Fine. If the truth is too much for you to handle....”

“The truth is too much for Fluttershy to handle.”

“Oh, she doesn’t use CAEB Amnesia Juice anymore if that’s what you’re talking about.”

“She doesn’t?”

“That’s what I said.”

“...Then never mind, I guess.”

A knocking occurred.

“I’ll get it,” Twilight said, then she did. Unlike politicians, am I right? I’m so funny.

“Hi, Applejack.”

“Hi. Um, Rainbow’s here, raht?”

“Yeah, she’s here. Why, do you need her for something?”

“Ah’m gonna force ‘er inta havin’ sex.”

“Sorry, but you can’t have her.”

“What’re you usin’ ‘er for?”

“Sex.”

“Ah have priority over you, she’s said so before.”

“So?”

“So get Rainbow an’ ask which one ah us she’d rather be with right now.”

“Fine.”

Twilight ran, but they ran back.

“Oh, AJ!” Rainbow said. “You’re here!”

“Rainbow,” Twilight said, “That’s not what I—”

Rainbow stepped outside and turned around. “Bye, Twilight!”

“But we were going—”

“Bye!” Rainbow closed the door.

Twilight managed not to cry. “Now how am I going to get rid of my loneliness? I could do stuff with Spike, but what will that do for my sex addiction? Unless I did have sex with Spi.... wait, what? Did I just say that? For fuck’s sakes, no! Why would I even think that? I need help. I need help? To Zecora!”

Instead of an arduous journey full of ardues, Twilight opted to teleport. Not directly inside the hut, just barely outside of it for knocking purposes. Zecora opened the door.

“Hello, Twilight, I can’t quite think of a rhyme. What makes you cry to me this time?”

“That’s the first mean thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“I didn’t mean to be so rude. I’ve been in sort of a bad mood.”

“Can you make a rhyme where you don’t stress everything all weird?”

“Not right now, I sadly fear. What fact made you come over here?”

“Well, I just had a sexual thought involving myself and Spike and I was wondering if I went insane.”

“You’re just a little creepy, I guess. Wait, did you think it after an unless?”

“Yes. Is that bad?”

“If it was after ‘unless’, then you’re just fine. I can’t think of another line.”

“So I’m not turning creepy?”

“Not any more than you already are.”

Twilight was silent.

“I’m not rhyming just to make you happy.”

“Fine. I’ll just leave, then.”

“Good.”

And so she left on an arduous but ultimately uneventful journey.

Chapter 142: withstander s1e5

“Last time,” Pinkie Pie said into a heavy crosswind, “On Withstander: Corvidae Islands! The eat gross stuff challenge happened, CMTR lost, and they finally voted off Rarity! How badly will CMTR lose their next challenge? What will Apple Bloom do to avoid getting voted off? Both of these questions will be answered in a very roundabout way tonight on Withstander: Corvidae Islands!”

“So how’re we on the food and water?” Rainbow said to Twilight.

“We’re good on water, but we’re almost out of rice.”

“Can’t we just not give Apple Bloom any?”

“No. What if she’s useful in a challenge?”

“Nopony’s gonna be useful in a challenge if they don’t ‘ave enough food.”

“We’ll be fine, Rainbow.”

“Fine....”

“Yes, fine.”

“So how’re we on the food and water?” everyone said to Lyra, who was cooking rice with magic.

“Not good. Or we could just not give camerapony #3 any since she hasn’t been useful to us.”

“Ah suggest that,” Applejack said.

“+1,” Big Mac said.

“Sounds good,” Octavia said.

“What if I die of starvation?”

“That sounds like your problem,” Lyra said, “Not mine.”

“Twahlaht! Rainbow!” Apple Bloom said, running out of the forest at moderate speed.

“What?”

“We got mail.”

“Then let’s hear it,” they still said at once.

Apple Bloom unnecessarily cleared her throat. “Come ta Raven Ahsland.”

“Yeah?”

“That’s all it says.”

“Hello, Withstanders,” Pinkie said. “Did you hear that? ‘Hello’. It’s so fancy for me. Anyway, you’re merging! Your new home is at the Jambalaysland, but first, the invulnerability challenge!”

“Can we get over the shock of merging first?” Lyra said.

“No. Here’s the challenge: you will compete in a tournament of plastic lightsabre duelling. The lightsabres are plastic, not the duelling. Whoever wins the tournament wins invulnerability. The matchups will be based upon—see, upon. That’s another word I would never use if I wasn’t on a script. Anyway, upon romantic relationships. Twilight and Rainbow, you’re up first.”

After about a twentieth of a second, Rainbow pwned Twilight with amazing dexterity speed powers.

“Rainbow Dash wins! Next up: Applejack and Big Mac!”

“Hidoi nihongo ni honyaku!” Applejack said, making an attempt at blocking which involved holding the lightsabre diagonally and not much else. Big Mac tapped her on the head.

“Big Mac wins! Next up, Octavia and Lyra!”

Lyra took Big Mac’s lightsabre and poked Octavia before the match started.

“That doesn’t count.”

Five seconds later...

“Go!” Pinkie said. Lyra poked Octavia on the leg. “Lyra wins! Next up will be Apple Bloom and camerapony #3.”

Five seconds later...

“Go!” Pinkie said. Apple Bloom jumped into the air, getting whacked across the chest by camerapony #3 during the jump. She came down from her jump unspectacularly, unhurt since it was like a metre tall if that and onto some particularly soft sand.

“There will be a two-hour break for the competitors to recover,” Pinkie said. “The semifinals will be contested between Rainbow and Big Mac, and Lyra and camerapony #3.”

TWO HOURS LATER!

“Start!” Pinkie said. Rainbow flew high into the air.

“How will you hit me from there?” Big Mac said. Rainbow threw the lightsabre downwards and it hit his back.

“Rainbow wins! Lyra and camerapony #3!”

“Is it cheating to—” Lyra was halfway through her question when camerapony #3 poked her in the leg.

“Camerapony #3 wins! There will be a two-hour break before the finals.”

Two hours and five seconds later!

“Commence!” Rainbow flew up into the air once again. Camerapony #3 tried to throw her lightsabre in the air, but she was too high up. A leisurely nosedive won her the round.

“Rainbow Dash wins invulnerability! Your newly merged team will also receive some boxes of Zatarain’s yellow rice and some nearly brackish water!”

“So who’re we votin’ off?” Applejack said.

“I’ll ask Rainbow Dash,” Lyra said. She walked a bit. “Hey, Rainbow Dash.”

“Yeah?”

“Should we vote off Twilight or Apple Bloom?”

“Twilight’s better at camp stuff.”

“Okay.” She walked a bit. “Twilight’s apparently better with camp stuff, so we’re voting for Apple Bloom.”

“Sounds good,” Octavia said.

“lolk,” Applejack said.

“Sounds good,” Big Mac said.

“lolk,” camerapony #3 said.

“Welcome to Teamal Council,” Pinkie said. “Only eight of you are left. Even though that’s two thirds, it’s still only anyway. I don’t feel like all this question stuff, so just vote. We’re going by size tonight, so Apple Bloom, you’re up first.”

Voting ensued. And there’s actually a reason not to give details this time.

“I’ll tally the votes,” Pinkie said, if by “tally” she meant “retrieve”. I’m still annoyed by that. “If you get more votes than anypony else, you lose. First vote: Apple Bloom.”

There was a shot of Apple Bloom looking content.

“Second vote: Twilight.”

Twilight looked indifferent.

“Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom’s expression changed from contentment to worry.

“Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom would’ve started biting her nails if she had any.

“Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom looked sad instead of content.

“Fifth pony voted out of Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Apple Bloom.”

Apple Bloom walked up to Pinkie.

“Apple Bloom, all your friends hate you.”

She left the island forever.

“Will Twilight and Rainbow somehow be able to withstand?” Pinkie said. “There’re only three ways to find out. Good night.”

Chapter 143: Butterscotch Needs a Two-way Ship, But Who the Fuck is Going To Be With Butterscotch

“Wait, I’m on?” Butterscotch said, taking a break from her extremely cherry-flavoured lollipop.

“Yeah,” camerapony #2 said.

“Did Big Mac get over his Fluttershy crush yet?”

“He just mentioned it on his Twitter which you’re supposed to be stalking two minutes ago.”

“Well, excuse me, but I’ve been eating this lollipop.”

“And you can’t check Twitter at the same time?”

“I was about to, but then you interrupted me with this whole ‘you’re on telly’ thing.”

“And you can’t check Twitter at the same time?”

“You can’t just assume all of your Western values apply to my life.”

“But the culture you’re in is—”

“I’m checking it right now, okay? Faust... okay, so he’s over it. That’s good for him, and Fluttershy, and me. How can I make him love me?”

“Stop stalking him?”

“Why?”

“It’s what he’d want you to do.”

“It’s for his own good. And he’s never explicitly said he doesn’t like the stalkers.”

“How does stalking benefit him?”

“Well, we’re making him money. Like all the merchandise we buy.”

“And if you didn’t stalk him, you wouldn’t do that?”

“No. But he has never said anything about not liking being stalked. So there. Your entire point of ‘it’s what he’d want you to do’ isn’t even based on any facts anyway.”

“Yes, he has.”

“Once he explicitly says ‘don’t stalk me’ on somewhere recorded, I’ll stop.”

“You should ask him. Or do you not want to since he’ll say no and then you won’t be able to do it again?”

“I will. Hey, do ponies still use email or are the only forms of communication Facebook and speech?”

Knock-knock!

“I’ll get it,” Butterscotch said. Then she got it. “ohai Derpy!”

Derpy Hooves mouthed her a letter.

“thx Derpy!”

Butterscotch looked at the envelope and came back to her room, which still contained camerapony #2.

“Hey,” Butterscotch said, “Who’s Klondike?”

“That’s me,” camerapony #2 claimed without any evidence.

“Oh. Then here.”

“Dear camerapony #2,” he read it aloud, “There’s a third one. It’s this. Signed, AmtrakFan.”

“How....”

“I don’t know. Oh, and ponies still use email. At least he does, which is all that’s important.”

“kewl.”

THE NEXT MORNING...

“Huh,” Big Mac said, still in his robe. He took a sip of his heavily steaming coffee. “It seems I’ve got an email from Butterscotch. I don’t want to make her feel special, but the subject is spelt correctly, so she sort of is....”

The rule he set for himself some time ago was that he would only look at fanemail if it had proper grammar, always moving on to the next at the first mistake. It was the fairest way he could think of to go through it with so many hours in the day. As he says, most failed on the subject line and were never looked at at all, but there were usually a few that made it.

“I was wondering how much you really hated all the stalking that’s done to you and if you wanted everypony to stop doing ti,” it read.

“Well, I can’t answer it.”

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Applejack.”

He skipped the rest of the formalities. “What is it?”

“Ah heard you talkin’ ta yourself.”

“So?”

“So you don’t do that. Also, where’d you get that robe? And that mug on your desk?”

“It all started last Tuesday....”

“It’s almost twelve,” Butterscotch said. “If he wanted to dignify it with an answer, he would’ve by now.”

“I guess you can’t voyeur on him anymore.”

“No, I asked him and he didn’t give an opinion, so he doesn’t care.”

“That’s not how I would interpret it.”

“Well, you’re not the one whose interpretation matters here.”

“Fine by me, if you get thrown in a prison, that’s your problem. So you still need a regular pony to have hilarious conversations with.”

“Big Mac would do that with me if I could just convince him Applejack’s not worth his time....”

“How?”

“I don’t know. But if I can, he’ll need a different pony to have sex with, and he’ll pick me.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m special. I’ve talked with him multiple times.”

“And he doesn’t like you. If anything, you’re a worse bet than everypony else.”

“Well, if I really need a partner to be on the show more, I can get on a matchmaker site.”

“Good luck with that.”

“Thanks.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

“Oh.”

Chapter 50: Instead of a Milestone Party, Sex and Violence

“Aww,” Rainbow said. “I wanted a party.” No one else was there to respond to her. “I’m bored of sleeping, but I’m not awake enough to fly. To AJ!”

And so she flew at a relaxed pace over to Sweet Apple Acres. Despite the very clear knock-knock, Apple Bloom opened the door without asking her identity.

“AJ’s apple-buckin’.”

“I see. Thank you for the information, Apple Bloom Apple.”

“You’re welcome.” She closed the door.

“To Twilight!”

She travelled to Twilight’s and knocked her door in both ways. She answered it in one.

“Hi, Rainbow. Look, I’m sorry, but I have studies....”

“Oh. Can I just hang out?”

“I really have to concentrate, so I want to be alone. Sorry....”

Rainbow flew away. It didn’t matter where, all she wanted to do was pick a diagonally up direction and go there and feel sad. She found a really nice cloud, which almost cheered her up, but it was so nice she fell asleep, which made her not any emotion.

Rainbow woke up to find herself in the middle of the floor of a bar strikingly similar in appearance to whatever is currently in the first picture on Wikipedia’s article on bars. It was very quiet since the only one there was Apple Bloom, who was behind the bar polishing a glass mug using the tried and true breathe on it then wipe it with a rag method.

She got up off the floor. “Apple Bloom? What are you doing at a bar?” Rainbow looked out the large glass front windows which took up pretty much the entire wall they were on. It was nighttime out in the flat, completely snow-covered area stretching beyond the horizon in which the bar was apparently located.

“Oh, good,” Apple Bloom said, “You’re awake. You should be goin’ now, we’re closed.”

“That doesn’t answer my question. Also, I have a second question of where am I and why. I guess that’s two questions, but whatever.”

“Ah’m here ‘cause Ah’m the bartender. And as for the second question, you’re still sleepin’ at your cloud.”

“What? That’s where I was when I fell asleep, but now I’m here.”

“You’re dreamin’, Rainbow.”

Rainbow woke up.

“Dammit! Why do you always wake up when that happens?” She paused for a moment. “Well, I don’t feel like I wanna go right back to sleep, but what do I do? I’m still a horny teenager, but both my girlfriends have work to do, so what am I supposed to do? Clop? I’ve never clopped before unless they told me to.... I guess I could try clopping, but... that’s for ponies with no self-control. I have self-control. And I don’t need sexual feelingness every single day. But today is one of the days I do. Who am I talking to?” She noticed she had sunk into the cloud slightly and, now that she was thinking about it, adjusted herself slightly to be even more snug. The way her head was squeezed in there like that looked weird from the outside.

After some sleep, Rainbow woke up on the same cloud from before. It was now nighttime.

“It’s night? How long did I sleep?”

“You’re still sleeping,” camerapony #2 said.

“Huh?”

“You’re in a dream.”

“Oh.” She paused. “Hey, I’m not wakin’ up! What should I do? It should be something that would have repercussions in real life. Like... goin’ on a massive killing spree! But who would I kill? I know everypony here, I wouldn’t wanna kill any of them. I guess Rarity would go first, then prolly Diamond Tiara. Or maybe Diamond Tiara should die first. I dunno. I’m sure there are a couple other ponies I’m forgetting that I’d be fine with killing too. But what if I’m not actually in a dream? What if this is real life, and camerapony #2 just told me it was a dream? Wait a second, I know for sure this is a dream because—”

Rainbow woke up.

“Dammit! So I can’t get to sleep, I’m not alert enough to fly without dying, neither of my girlfriends wanna have sex... but that’s all I do. What’s left? No work, no Cloudsdale stuff... what am I supposed to do, have an interesting life? Well, I do already, just not to other ponies. You know what I mean, Rainbow. But I don’t mind doing the same five things over and over again. And... um... and... actually, that’s my point.”

Camerapony #2 was playing iPad Tetris and not actually working the camera at all.

“Hey, transcriber #4?” camerapony #2 said.

“What?” transcriber #4 said.

“I’ll give you five bits if you don’t transcribe me playing iPad Tetris on the job.”

“No, I think I’d rather keep it in.”

“Ten bits?”

“No.”

“Eleven?”

“I’m not blackmailing you.”

“Fine. Can I give you ten bits to leave out the bribery I tried to do?”

“No.”

“So when’re the sex and violence?” Rainbow said.

“We plant for the sex to be first,” camerapony #2 said, “But obviously that didn’t work, so you should kill some stuff now.”

“Are there any ponies I wanna kill? I think I discussed that with myself in that dream I had... maybe Diamond Tiara. I mean, there are other bitch characters, but they’re all just one-time. I’m not sure I wanna disrupt the war system with the CMC, though. But then who’s gonna commit the violence? Or the sex?”

Lyra and Octavia were idly watching one of those documentaries that doesn’t actually document or study stuff and just pushes an agenda. That’s not the interesting part, the interesting part is when Lyra randomly slapped Octavia in the cheek.

“Ow!” Octavia said, as you do, putting a hoof on her cheek, as you do. “What was that for?”

“Just to get the violence out of the way to make sure it doesn’t involve death or something.”

“You could’ve told me about that before you hit me....”

“That’s not really in the spirit of violence.”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

“I don’t feel like begging.”

“We’re back together.”

“Yay.”

Silence barring the television showing the “document”ary, but it was commercials so whether it was really showing it is up for debate.

“I know what we should do if we’re back together,” Lyra said.

“No.”

“But the contract....”

“Fine.”

“Why did I say that? Now I have to wait again.”

“I still don’t really want to do it.”

“Hopefully that works for them.”

They got into it a bit and missed a few minutes of the film.

“The ‘document’ary’s back on,” Octavia said. “I think we missed a few minutes of it kissing.”

“How would a documentary kiss?”

“Lyra.”

“Sorry. ‘Document’ary.”

“Lyra.”

“Sorry. Who cares anyway, it’s just a ‘document’ary, not a documentary.”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“I couldn’t think of anything to say.”

“Then you’re supposed to sexually assault me.”

“But I’m Octavia.”

“Why am I girlfriends with you?”

“You want to break up?”

Lyra instantly cried like she saw a kitten die and hugged her. “I didn’t mean to say anything like that, I know I’m not perfect, but I’ll change. And don’t tell me you want me to stay how I am. You’re a better pony than me, so logically if I change to be like you or what you want I’ll be better.”

“I want to be with you, Lyra. You don’t need to insult yourself.”

“You don’t want me to be dramatic all the time?”

“I don’t like it when you’re dramatic.”

“And you like ice-cream, too. Why am I your girlfriend again? I know, you don’t have to tell me your personality, don’t answer that. And it’s not as if food is like works or something where there’s actually a correct answer to how good it is anyway.”

“You should probably have a comma after ‘something’.”

“That sounds like something you should bring up with the transcribers.”

“But they read your mind, so they know you imagined it without a comma.”

“What do you mean? I don’t imagine my sentences in text when I say them.”

“I imagine my moderate-strength punctuation like semicolons.”

“Well, commas aren’t that. So there.”

Meanwhile, Twilight had just left her treehouse. Spike followed her for the screen time.

“Rainbow!” she said into the overcast sky not quite loudly enough for allcaps. Nothing happened.

“Rainbow Dash!”

Nothing happened for four to six seconds.

“RAAAIIINBOOOW!”

Nothing happened for four microfortnights.

“Where is she? She’s not directly above me, so what’s left? The rest of the world, I guess, but she should be directly above me.”

“We’ll call her over,” a camerapony who wishes to remain anonymous said.

“Wasn’t there a thing about how there wouldn’t be any more artificially organised chapters?”

“Yeah, because she has something better to do.”

A staff was radioed.

“Hey, Rainbow?” camerapony #2 said.

“What? I’m tryin’ to sleep.”

“Twilight wants you. In two senses of the word.”

“I’ll be there faster than Rainbow Dash. And don’t correct my grammar.”

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Twilight said. Rainbow looked to her left and saw her.

“You’re outside.”

“Uh-huh.”

“We’re not having sex outside.”

“Come on, don’t you want something different?”

“I don’t want something unsanitary.”

“You do it with AJ all the time.”

“But I don’t have an outside or ground fetish or anything like that. I mean, it’s not a turn-off, but... you know. I feel like inside tonight.”

“You’re just scared that somepony’ll see us.”

“I don’t have any outside-related fetishes.”

“Fine, we can be inside if you’re going to be that insistent about it.”

They went inside.

“So have you reconsidered the whole backup girlfriend thing yet?”

“I prefer AJ over you and that’s all there is to it.”

“But you want some variety, right? Sometimes you want Twilight because she’s more interesting and cleaner and more likely to rape you than Applejack?”

“No. Hey, you got somethin’ on your leg.”

Twilight coincidentally looked at the correct leg and found a key on it. She tried to push it off with minimal effort, failing. She decided against doing it too hard and taking part of her fur with it.

“How did that get there?” Twilight said as if Rainbow would know.

“i dunno lol”

“I’ll get some water around it and see if I can get it off then.”

“k”

Twilight went to the lavatory.

Twilight looked at the camera. “Seriously? I’m just seeing if I can get this key off, Rainbow and Spike are probably having some hilarious conversation right now.”

“It’s not fair,” Rainbow said. “You get arms and fingers and stuff and I don’t.”

“Would you rather be a dragon?”

“Well, no, but... sometimes I want thumbs is all.”

Wait, is this ten minutes of Twilight trying to get something off her fur? I thought I sacked Jerry months ago. Anyway, she did it and put the key on the sink.

“You’re back,” Rainbow said as if this wasn’t obvious.

“Come on, we need to have sex in another room or Spike’ll be traumatised.”

“I’d be fine,” Spike said. “Not that I want to watch you have sex, but I’d live.”

“Come on,” Twilight said.

“Fine.”

“‘Fine’? If you don’t want to have sex, that’s okay.”

“What else would I come over here for?”

“I don’t know... if you randomly felt lonely?”

“I’m Rainbow Dash.”

“It could happen. It did for a while.”

“Yeah, and Octavia could decide to become a monster truck driver.”

“Look, do you want to have sex or not?”

“Yes.”

“So we have three options,” camerapony #151,943 said, “End the chapter, Twidash sex, or watch Spike do stand-up comedy.”

“End the chapter,” camerapony #2 said.

Chapter 145: Nothing Happens, Part 145

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Applejack was sleeping. This was normal. She was tied to her bed and blindfolded, which was also normal. However, these things simultaneously was not a normal occurrence.

“This is gonna be great when she wakes up,” Rainbow said for the cameras. “Hopefully she doesn’t need the lavatory or something.”

By complete coincidence, Applejack woke up. She tried to roll over, then noticed her ropedness.

“Rainbow?” Applejack said.

“You can’t even see me. You don’t know I’m here.”

“Ah just heard you. Also, who else would do this?”

“Rainbow ain’t ‘ere, Ah’m Apple Bloom.”

“That ain’t what she sounds lahke.”

“So?”

“Just untah me, Rainbow.”

“But I spent over three minutes doing this!”

Project Wonderful: your ad here for only $1.41

“Rainbow, Ah have borin’ mornin’ things to do.”

“Well, you’re getting raped first.”

“No.”

“It’s rape. The entire point is that you say no and I do it anyway.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Rainbow.”

“You’re getting raped and you’re gonna like it.”

“Fahne....”

Instead of transcribing the sex, the transcribers decided to have lunch.

“This sandwich is, in my opinion, very delicious,” transcriber #4 said.

“Rainbow’s doing forced kissing,” transcriber #5 wrote, “But I just saw forced sex so it’s kinda like... meh.”

“I understand what you’re saying, and I’m not trying to call you a wimp, but I was never affected at all.”

“I think ‘affected’ is kind of a strong word for how I felt.”

“Either way, it hasn’t stopped you from clopping.”

“Just a little.”

“Still, you’re clopping as you talk with me.”

“Is there a problem with that?”

“You’re inside.”

“Okay, but—” Applejack started eating instead of making, so she increased her rubbing speed.

“Could—”

“Shut up.” She clopped to the very relaxed sex in a very unrelaxed way and closed her laptop a second before she came. She licked some cum off her hoof, rubbed some of the saliva off on her other foreleg, and opened the laptop. “Could I what?”

“Never mind.”

“You know what we should do?”

“Look for other, more high-paying, jobs we would be good at?”

“No, I like this job. But what I was thinking was that since we’re not transcribing the sex, we should take our best dialogue and put some of it in the chapter.”

“I haven’t been typing any of it since I’m supposed to be taking a break.”

“Well, I have. I’ll put some of it in the stead of the sex. I saw that word and felt a strange burning desire to use it somewhere.”

“Okay, now we’re done.”

“Can ya untah me? Ah have to do borin’ mornin’ stuff sometahme.”

“Fine.”

And so Applejack finally got to do her boring morning stuff. It was boring, then she opened the door to find that Rainbow had been standing in front of it for minutes. She didn’t find out about the minutes, but you know.

“Go to Twahlaht,” Applejack said.

“What else do you have to do?”

“Go away.”

And so Rainbow decided to fly and stuff.

“You see that?” Twilight, watching this chapter live on television, said to no one. “She’s not even checking me! She just went straight to flying! She probably doesn’t like me anymore. Is it because of how we got together? Or maybe she just doesn’t need a backup girlfriend anymore. She’s happy with Applejack. She doesn’t need me. I don’t even want to watch her anymore. But if I turn to a different channel, then ten seconds later she’ll use the show to tell me something. Wait, why is it showing me? It’s been showing me talking about this. Maybe she just wants to fly and she still likes me. But then why did she go to... I thought she loved me.”

Knock-knock, Octavia! Lyra just answered the door normally.

“You doin’ stuff we could film?” camerapony #2 said.

“We’re both musicing at the moment, so no.”

“Plan D,” camerapony #2 said into his radio.

“Plan D,” transcriber #1 heard from her radio. She rang Butterscotch’s house’s doorbell, but after π minutes, it went unanswered.

“Plan E,” transcriber #1 said into her radio.

Chapter 146: Out of Ideas

It was a typical mid-September morning, and everyone was asking themselves the big question of the day: whose property would Rainbow Dash invade tonight? The answer, of course, was Applejack’s. But that comes up later, because right now, it’s time for...

...MANE CHARACTER FOR AN INDEFINITE PERIOD OF TIME!

Let’s give a brief description of the jobs of meet today’s contestants.

A potion, stew, and general strangely effective folk remedy maker from a section of forest which may or may not be incorporated inside any municipality, Zecora.

A pastry chef from Ponyville, Ponyprovince, Pinkie Pie.

And our returning champion, a standard fangirl from Ponyville, Ponyprovince, Butterscotch, whose π-day total combined aggregated winnings total is something I didn’t bother to look up.

And now here is the host of MCFIPT, the only one who could ever hope to pronounce all the words in the questions, Twilight Sparkle!

“Hello and welcome to Mane Character For an Indefinite Period of Time, the game where if you actually know the answer, you’re probably cheating. Here’s how the game works: there are six questions worth 1,000 points, which are also bits, and one worth 1,500 points which are also bits. Most points at the end wins.”

“All right,” Twilight said, “First question. Penistone Grammar School was founded in what year?”

Butterscotch’s podium turned tye-dye-patterned rainbow.

“Butterscotch?”

“1492!”

“Wrong. Anypony else?”

The answer was no.

“The correct answer is 1392. Are we ready for the next question?”

Crickets could be heard chirping.

“ARE WE READAY?!”

“YEAH!” said the contestants and audience.

“Good. This second question must be answered in Jeopardy form: he was the first person ever to score OVER NINE THOUSAND points in the decathlon.”

Butterscotch’s podium turned a Rainbowish cyan.

“Yes, Butterscotch.”

“1492!”

“I’m sorry, that’s incorrect.”

Pinkie Pie rang in.

“Pinkie?”

“Who is 1492.”

“No.”

Time expired.

“The correct answer is either Yang Chuan-kwang or Roman Šebrle. Both are acceptable. After two questions, the score is 0 to 0 to 0.”

Awkward silence.

“Next question.” Twilight magicked a card up because she felt lazy. “This body of water, often described as the second smallest of Earth’s oceans, doesn’t actually exist.”

Zecora’s podium turned grey.

“Zecora.”

“What is?”

“It’s not necessary.”

“The Southern Ocean.”

“Correct! One thousand points for Zecora, and that’s our first commercial break!”

The audience clapped.

“And we’re back!” Twilight said, despite not knowing what the first part of the and was. “Question #4: what was I gone for during the break?”

“Yes, Butterscotch!”

“Clopping!”

“Nope, sorry. Pinkie, you rang in half a second later?”

“Sex?”

“No. Rainbow’s been in the audience the whole time. Zecora, do you have any ideas?”

“You needed the lavatory?”

“Correct! That’s two thousand for Zecora!”

The audience cheered.

“Question five! If Zecora gets this one, Butterscotch doesn’t win!”

The audience cheered wildly.

“Girolamo Savonarola was executed in what year?”

14.92 seconds later, no one had answered.

“1498.” Twilight got the next card. “Okay, if nopony gets this one, not Butterscotch wins. Question six: who do you love?”

Butterscotch rang in.

“Butterscotch!”

“Big Mac!”

“That’s correct! A thousand points for Butterscotch!”

The audience made “boo” and “fuck” noises.

“Here’s the final question. If Zecora or Butterscotch gets this, then they win. If Pinkie gets it, then Zecora wins. Are you ready?”

“Yeah!” screamed the contestants and audience.

“Well, too bad, because it’s time for a commercial break!”

“And we’re back,” Twilight said after some fast-forwarded-through commercials. “It’s Zecora on 2,000 and Butterscotch on 1,000 as we go into the final question. For 1,500 points, here is the question, which must be answered Jeopardy-style: this settlement in Sermersooq was formerly known as Fiskenæsset.”

Five seconds later...

“Come on,” Twilight said, probably sarcastically but who knows, “Nopony knows this?”

Five seconds later...

“The answer is Qeqertarsuatsiaat. But more importantly, the last question is over, and the winner is Zecora!”

The audience cheered wildly.

“Come on down to the central stage-type area, Zecora!”

Zecora obeyed Twilight’s order. Wait, is that for the other thing? No, that’s right.

“Are you ready for the bonus question?”

“Yes.”

“‘Yes’? You’re on a game show, you need to be more enthusiastic.”

“Yes!”

“Good. Now, for an extra 18,000 bits, here is the question. Ranking all the mountains on Earth—”

“I’m sorry, but I have a question.”

“Yes?”

“Why are there so many questions about the history of another planet?”

“Well, duh, it would be too easy if all the questions were about here. Anyway, what place is K2 in for prominence?”

“Prominence?”

“You know. Topographic prominence.”

“I’ve never heard of that.”

“Then you lose. The answer is 22nd.”

“Okay....”

“See you next time on...”

“MANE CHARACTER FOR AN INDEFINITE PERIOD OF TIME!”

Chapter 147: Lime Time Rejuiced

For approximately the trillionth time, Rainbow went to Applejack’s house. Wait, knock-knock joke.

Knock-knock.

“Who’s there?” Applejack said.

“Your girlfriend.”

“Can’t you go a day without havin’ sex?”

“No.”

Applejack opened the door. “Ah got a question.”

Rainbow came in and closed the door. “What?”

“You know how when we do any dominance, it’s always me>you?”

“And now you feel like being tied down tonight.”

“Yeah.”

“When we tried that a couple weeks ago, we both woke up in a hospital.”

“You sayin’ you’re not a good dominatrix?”

“Yes. We almost died and it was my fault.”

“Fine, Ah have a backup plan.”

“Yeah?”

“Outsahde fetish.”

“Really? ‘Cause there was this thing just a few chapters ago where—”

“You wanna do it or not?”

“But it’s nighttime out.”

“Fine, we’ll do somethin’ safe. Faust.”

“You know, you’re supposed to be the smart, reasonable one and I’m the moron.”

“We don’t ‘ave that kinda thing, though.”

“I know, but when one of us needs to be smart for some reason, it’s usually you.”

“Look, you didn’t come here ‘cause we needed to talk about this, you came here because you were horny.”

“And because I love you....”

“Ah love you more.”

“Are you trying to say I don’t appreciate you or something? We love each other equally.”

“It ain’t like that. Ah’m all soppy an’ sentimental about love an’ stuff an’ you’re not.”

“Don’t try to say I don’t love you enough or something like that.”

“No, Ah mean you’re all tough an’ stuff an’ Ah’m not. It was a poorly-phrased compliment.”

“I guess....”

“Look, this’s been goin’ on for like a page, you wanna fuck or not?”

“I like talking with you.”

“Yeah, but Ah don’t wanna talk for no reason. An’ if we wait any longer, Ah’ll prolly rape ya.”

“You can do that, it’s okay.”

“Ah know, but Ah already explained, Ah wanna get raped tanight.”

“‘Kay. Should we go upstairs now?”

“Eeyup,” Applejack said in a terrible impression of Big Mac.

They got to Applejack’s room by means of either monorail, teleportation, or walking, and Lime Time happened again. No, seriously, that’s pretty much what happened. I mean, the dialogue was a bit different, but... fine, I’ll show you.

“Look at the time,” Rainbow said, forcing Applejack’s head, and particularly her mouth, to her genitalia. “The lime time.”

The studio audience (i.e., the cameraponies and transcribers) laughed wildly.

“You feel so good, AJ,” Rainbow said. “Way better than Twilight. Not that Twilight’s bad or anything, but... okay, she is, but I think she has potential. She’ll get better, you know?”

Applejack tried to raise her head, but Rainbow kept her from doing such.

“You can stop when I let you stop. And do you mind me talking while you do this? jk, I don’t care. You know, a thing with Twilight is—” Rainbow rested her head on the side of the bed she was sitting against and shut her eyes before she got to say something interesting. “That feels great, AJ. I seriously love you so much right now. Actually, I love you the same amount as always, but only because it’s always at that sort of elevated amount. Oh fuck, keep doing that, keep-doing-that, keepdoingtha....” Rainbow silently yet still melodramatically came. Applejack tried to get up, but Rainbow wouldn’t let her.

“You’re done when I say you’re done. Just because I came doesn’t mean you’re finished, so keep at it.”

Applejack made a vaguely disapproving noise, but that was it.

“Do you mind if I talk?” Rainbow said. “Actually, I don’t really care. You know, a thing with Twilight is—that feels great, AJ. Keep doing that. Keep doing that, keepdoingthat....” Rainbow silently yet still melodramatically came. She released Applejack and they both got up.

“Ah hate you,” Applejack said.

“Then we’ll break up.”

“If you actually break up with me, Ah’m gonna kill mahself.”

“No, you won’t. Suicide is dramatic, not funny.”

“Ahkay, you won that conversation.”

Silence.

“You can do stuff to me now if you want,” Rainbow said.

“Get on the floor.”

“The floor or the bed?”

Applejack took Rainbow and sent them both to the floor.

“You could’ve just said the floor.”

“Ah did. You got a problem wi’ the floor?”

“Yeah. It’s all... firm and stuff.”

They started snogging. Without either of them really thinking about it, it quickly turned to sex.

“AJ,” Rainbow said.

“Yeah?”

“How’d the thing with Big Mac and the recipe turn out?”

“Oh, Ah forgot to ask him.”

“Good job.” Rainbow patted her on the back.

“Ah’m sorry, okay? It’s not like it makes a difference for anythin’.”

“I still love you.”

“Is there anythin’ Ah could do that you wouldn’t love me?”

“Not really.”

“Really? Nothin’?”

“Well, I guess there’s a felony or two that would make me hate you, but not all of them.”

“‘Not all of ‘em’? Like which ones?”

“Well, I meant the minor ones like copyright infringement.”

“Oh. So not like murder?”

“Not like murder.”

“Cool.”

In place of an awkward silence, they kissed for π minutes. I know, I’m exciting. Look, you didn’t come here to see long descriptions of snogging, except you did since since this is mature-rated, but by now, you came here to see boring dialogue.

“Rainbow,” Applejack said.

“Yeah?”

“Could we do less ah all this talkin’ and more long periods ah snoggin’ tonight?”

“Can’t we have long periods ah sex instead?”

“‘Kay.”

And the rest, as they say, was monotonous sex times.

Chapter 148: The Mirror World

“But what would I be at Zecora’s for?” Twilight said.

“Because if you’re not, you’ll be sacked,” camerapony #5 said.

“But why, in-universe, am I going there? I thought artificially bringing characters together was gone.”

Spike, who is now there, scratched Twilight on her leg as if he was a cat, giving her some very cat-induced-looking scratches.

“Fuck, Spike!” Twilight said. “What the fuck did I fucking do to fucking deserve that?”

“It’s for your own good, Twilight. Just teleport to Zecora. Besides, I had an urge to kill.”

“That fucking hurts.”

“It’s for your own good.”

Twilight appeared inside Zecora’s hut thing, incredibly without knocking anything over.

“What?” Zecora said.

“Spike scratched me.”

“What?!”

“Spike scratched me!”

“Holy f—aust, why?”

“Because I needed a chapter with you and I didn’t want to go so Spike scratched me and said it was for my own good which it was and just heal me!”

Zecora grabbed some random bottle and hooved it to Twilight. She drank it without incident and her wounds were instantly healed. Correction: she drank the liquid in the bottle.

“Thanks. I’m sorry I’m getting hurt so much.”

“You saved the world without a scratch, but with dragon care you met your match.”

“Apparently. So I guess I’ll go now... don’t you ever get lonely?”

“No.”

“Just being by yourself making potions all day?”

“Go away.”

“Faust, fine.”

And so she teleported back to her house.

“Hi, Twilight,” Spike said.

“Look at the transcript,” Twilight said. “What’s wrong with Zecora?”

Spike looked at the transcript. “She’s in a bad mood?”

“I was thinking something more dramatic, but you’re probably right.”

“Wait, I was right about something?”

“Yes.”

“w000000000—”

We interrupt this programme to give you Lyra and Octavia. Wait, they’re not doing anything interesting. Back to Spike!

“—000000000t!”

A phone rang.

“I will answer the telephone,” Spike said. And so he did.

“Is this Spike?” Silver Spoon said.

“Yeah.”

“This is Silver Spoon.”

“Is this the same trap from last time?”

“It’s not a tra—”

“Who was it?” Twilight said.

“Silver Spoon.”

“Oh.” Spike didn’t say anything. “I’m going to clop.”

“No, I’m going to clop.”

An epic race to the lavatory was interrupted by the door being knocked.

“I’ll get it,” they said in unison.

An epic race to the door resulted in six deaths and twelve injuries. Wait, that was something else. Twilight got the door.

“Hi, Rainbow,” Twilight said.

“I told you,” Spike told Twilight.

“Well, sex beats clopping, so I have a better life than you.”

“That’s a subjective opinion.”

“Are we having sex or not?” Rainbow Dash said.

“We could just talk for a couple hours.”

“Unless we eat or something, then I don’t see the point.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

Rainbow curled up on the floor into a ball.

“What’s wrong?”

“I missed a sarcasm.”

“It’s okay....”

“It’s not okay.”

“Get up.”

“Why?”

“So we can have sex.”

“Why?”

“It’ll be fun.”

“Why?”

“You don’t need me to explain why sex is fun.”

“Why?”

“Because you already know.”

“Why?”

“Because you’ve had sex before.”

“Why?”

“Because you and Applejack love each other and you’re both horny teenager types.”

“Why?”

“You don’t need me to explain why Appledash makes sense, and because that’s your personality.”

“Why?”

“Just get up.”

“You said that because you can’t think of anything.”

“Get up.”

“Make me.”

Twilight started asphyxiating her and she got up. And then she stopped.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Rainbow said, even though she totally did.

“You liked it.”

“I know. Hey, what’s Spike doing with a half-empty bucket of popcorn?”

Twilight looked at Spike for a moment. “I don’t know, we don’t have any popcorn. We have opcorn for the mods, but no popcorn. Where did you get that, Spike?”

“It’s pop secret.”

Therefore, Twilight and Rainbow went to the bedroom and had sex. You think you want more detail, but trust me, you don’t.

Chapter 150: CASHEWS!

silver spoon: scootaloo i have a confesion to make

scootlaoo: what

silver spoon: ive always loved youyoure so serious but laid-back like yu dont fuck around but you have feelings as well

scootaloo: ive always loved you youre like the sofistication off rarity & the politeness of everypony else

silver spoon: so like octavia

scootaloo: lol yeah with some nuances off course

silver spoon: omf thank you

scootaloo: lets have sex

silver spoon: totaly

(scootaloo and silver spoon have sex)

silver spoon: omf that was the best sex ever

scootaloo: ya

silver spoon: not that ive had any other sex but you know

scootaloo: ya i know

“I know what you mean,” Rainbow said, hugging Applejack tightly.

“Ah’m glad you understand me,” Applejack said, hugging Rainbow just as tightly. They knew it had been coming for two days now, and they decided that on the bed in Applejack’s room was where they were always happiest.

“Twenty-five seconds until armageddon,” Applejack’s radio which only exists in this one chapter which isn’t even canon said.

“Rainbow?” Applejack said.

“Yeah?”

“Ah love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Ah’m so glad we arranged this.”

“I feel the same way.” Rainbow did a stroke down Applejack’s mane.

“One last kiss, Rainbow?”

“Why shouldn’t we have sex?”

“‘Cause it’s cliche to dah havin’ sex.”

Rainbow giggled. “I love you, AJ.”

Half the moon of Hasbro suddenly but expectedly disappeared into about a dozen bright orange particles—they were gigantic, of course, but from such a long distance away they were barely visible—and a circle of intensely bright, slightly yellow light appeared in front of the moon, seemingly expanding just from perspective until it reached the planet....

“Everything you write has such a dark tone,” Scootaloo told Sweetie Belle, “Which is fine, except you can’t write dark. Remember that time you tried writing a slice of life and it worked?”

“Yes.”

“You should write more of that.”

“But I didn’t like doing that. I think it’s more fun to write dark things.”

“Foals?” Cheerilee said. “You should really be going now.”

“Oh,” Sweetie Belle said. “Sorry.”

And so they went into the hallway.

“Where’s Apple Bloom?” Sweetie Belle said.

“She’s in hospital,” Scootaloo said. “She fractured her pancreas playing bocce.”

“Naturally,” Diamond Tiara, suddenly and unexpectedly stepping in their views, said. “Did you expect anything else from Apple Bloom?”

“Hey,” Sweetie Belle said. “I bet if you played bocce, you would fracture both your pancrea.”

Silver Spoon tapped Scootaloo’s shoulder.

“Holy crap.” Scootaloo turned around. “Sorry, you scared me. What is it?”

“Should we tell them?”

“I think it’s the right thing to do.”

“You’re a humungous wombat,” Diamond Tiara said at Apple Boom.

“Well, you’re a super-duper melonhead,” Apple Boom said.

“Diamond,” Silver Spoon said, “Apple Boom.”

“What?” they said simultaneously.

“We have a confession to make,” Silver Spoon said. “Scootaloo?”

“Well...” Scootaloo said, if you consider “Well...” to have any content in it, “We had sex.”

“What?!”

Then the ceiling collapsed and everyone died.

“Wow,” Spike said whilst showering. “I need to tell everypony about this right away!”

“Twilight!” Spike said, running out of the bathroom in a wet state.

“Spike, I’m studying,” Twilight said whilst clopping to printed rainbow porn on the balcony.

“This bottle of right away has 20% more—”

“That’s nice,” Twilight said. “Now go away.”

“Fine,” Spike said. he regurgitated a circular saw and cut a hole in the balcony, which he jumped through onto a windowsill below.

Rainbow woke up tied to Applejack’s bed.

“You’re awake,” Applejack said as if someone in the room needed to be told. “Welcome to the rest ah your day.”

“Can’t I get up to go to the lavatory or somethin’?”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Fine. But don’ ask too often.”

“I won’t.”

Three minutes later, Rainbow entered the room.

“I’m back,” Rainbow said as if someone in the room needed to be told.

“Oh,” Applejack said, “You actually came back.”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Ah thought you wouldn’t wanna be tahed to a bed all day.”

“Well, if it’s the only way I can be with you....”

“Awww. But don’tcha have some cloudin’ tah do or somethin’?”

“Nope. I got nothin’ to do today.”

“kewl. Now you ready for an entahre day ah bein’ raped bah me?”

“But I agreed to—”

“Ah know, but even if you’re all lahke ‘stop’, Ah won’t stop.”

“What if I’m like ‘peroxide’?”

“Seriously, Ah’m gonna rape ya.”

“Sounds good.” Rainbow laid down on the bed. “You can tie—”

The door was knocked.

“Ah’ll get it,” Applejack said, which she did.

“Breakfast,” Big Mac said.

Applejack sighed. “Since Granny Smith dahed ah that fractured pancreas, things’ve never been the same.”

One breakfast later...

“Ah’m back,” Applejack said as if anyone in the room needed to know. She closed and locked the door behind her. “Now we can fahnally start.”

Applejack routinely tied Rainbow up, and then I had to write the sex. OR DID I?!

Chapter 151: Zecora Poisons Ponyville’s Water Supply and Kills Everyone

“What?” Zecora said. “No, I don’t!”

“Sure.”

“I heard somepony say a line. The weird thing is, it wasn’t mine.”

“It was me,” Apple Bloom said. “Wan’ a Pop-Tart®?” She held a Pop-Tart® out to Zecora.

“How did you carry that?”

“It’s pop secret.”

“Should I be disgusted?”

“If ya want.”

“I think I will be.”

“‘Kay.”

Silence.

“So you don’t want it?”

“How did you get here?”

“It’s pop secret.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause you ain’t supposed ta know.”

“Why?”

“That’s pop secret.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause you ain’t supposed ta know.”

“Why?”

“It’s pop secret.”

“GTFO.”

“Fahne, swearypants. A simple GO woulda suffahced.” Apple Bloom dramatically exited, and by dramatically, I mean she slammed the door.

“I could mix something up and put it into the water supply...” Zecora thought and notably did not speak. “Maybe if I had even the vaguest strand of evil, I would consider that. Really, who’s less evil than me? Okay, smartarse, Fluttershy is less evil than me. You know, maybe Twilight’s right, maybe I should be a bit more mellow. I was so friendly before.”

“Um, Zecora?” camerapony #6 said.

“What?”

“You’re not rhyming.”

“I have to rhyme in my thoughts?”

“Yes.”

We interrupt this programme to bring you Apple Bloom.

“Ah made it here just fahne,” Apple Bloom said to herself as she ambulated, “So Ah should be able ta—”

Apple Bloom brushed the end of a vine-type construct coming out of the ground (come to think of it, it looked a lot like asparagus), which wrapped tightly around her leg.

“TENTACLE RAPE!” Apple Bloom said. She generically flailed around, managing nothing to escape the plant’s moderately irritating grasp.

“Is this vahne-tahpe thing actually gonna do anythin’?” Apple Bloom said as if someone was around to answer. “Ah feel mah leg slowly bein’ const... oh.” The plant’s grasp was gradually going from irritating to blood flow-threatening. “ZECORA!”

“ZECORA!” Zecora heard from the direction of Apple Bloom.

“That sounded much like Apple Bloom,” Zecora said. “Perhaps she touched a plant of doom.”

Zecora grabbed a bottle of possibly magical liquid and made the grueling 50-metre run to Apple Bloom.

“I see what happened, Apple Bloom: you ran into a plant of doom.”

“Ah can tell, just get me out!”

Zecora dumped the mayhap magical liquid on the asparagus constrictor and it dissolved into nothing, violating conservation of energy.

Apple Bloom felt like she should brush her forelegs off or something, but she didn’t. “Thanks for savin’ mah lahfe, Zecora. Do Ah hafta be your slave now?”

“I know I saved you from the grave, but you don’t have to be my slave.”

“C’mon, don’tcha need some help sometahmes?”

“The answer to that question’s no. Don’t you have somewhere to go?”

“Mah family’re prolly wonderin’ where Ah am....”

“You should go.”

“Ah will. Bye.”

“Goodbye.” Zecora turned and left.

Apple Bloom took a step and touched another asparagus constrictor.

“Zecora?”

Zecora looked behind her and rolled her eyes. “I’ll be back.”

Chapter 153: How’s Everyone Doing?

“I get this cycle’s Rainbow chapter!” Twilight said all in Applejack’s face.

“No, Ah should get this cycle’s Rainbow chapter,” Applejack said all in Twilight’s face.

“I have better grammar.”

“Well, Rainbow likes me more.”

“Then I guess it’s a draw.”

“Ah think it’s a tah too, Raritypants.”

“I guess there’s only one way left to decide.”

“Ask Rainbow.”

“I was thinking a fight to the hospitalisation, but your idea sounds safer.”

“Ain’t you supposed to be a smart ideay pony?”

“I am, but they don’t make chapters of me reading for eight hours.”

“Where is Rainbow?”

“I think she’s cloud-pwning.”

“Ah.”

Silence.

“I guess I can do more repetitive magic practice,” Twilight said.

“Does that mean cloppin’ or actual magic practice?”

“Seriously, magic practice.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“Bye,” Twilight said.

“Bye.”

And so they both took off for their respective houses from wherever they were.

Rainbow Dash pwned a strangely bowl-shaped cloud from below, causing a pony curled up in it to get pissed off at her. Wait, that was something else. Rainbow Dash pwned a strangely bowl-shaped cloud from above. Then she pwned another cloud. And another. Hey, what’s Fluttershy up to?

Fluttershy heard a typing sound coming from a corner of her living/entry-type room. You’ve seen it. Due to curiosity and suspicion, she went over to the noise, and found a transcriber. The transcriber looked up from her laptop.

“Hi,” the transcriber, transcriber #3, said.

“Hello.”

Awkward silence.

“I didn’t know I had a transcriber in my house,” Fluttershy said.

“We’re everywhere.”

“Everywhere?”

Meanwhile, some random trivial pony walking down a minor avenue got a strange feeling he was being watched.

“Except for Leskov Island in the South Sandwich Islands and Hardys Reservoir in Wyoming, pretty much.”

“So everywhere except a couple locations on a completely different planet?”

“Eeyup,” transcriber #3 said in a horrible Big Mac impression.

“That’s... invasive.”

“Eeyup,” transcriber #3 said in a horrible Big Mac impression.

“I like my privacy.”

“I’m not leaving.”

Fluttershy took her laptop, gently placed on it on the floor, and grabbed her by the appendix.

“Leave.” She stopped holding her. “You know, if you don’t have any better ideas....”

“Make me.”

Fluttershy took transcriber #3 and pulled her to the door.

“You can escort me outside now,” transcriber #3 said. Fluttershy literally kicked her out and literally slammed the door. “Can I have my laptop?” Fluttershy opened the door, hooved her the laptop, and literally slammed the door again.

Butterscotch was oh she’s clopping. We’ll come back to her.

“Let’s see,” camerapony #4 said to camerapony #3 on a picnic which the latter intended to turn into a date, “We’ve done Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow, Fluttershy, Butterscotch....”

“Zecora?” camerapony #3 said.

“We did just did Octavia, Lyra, and Zecora,” camerapony #4 said, “And Apple Bloom. Scootaloo, maybe?”

Scootaloo was napping in her cardboard box. OR WAS SHE?!

“Scootaloo,” transcriber #2 said, nudging Scootaloo gently, “Get up.”

She did not awaken.

“Scootaloo,” transcriber #2 said a bit more impatiently, “Wake up.”

She did not awaken.

“Wake up, bitch!”

“Huh?” Scootaloo rubbed her eyes. “I just had the strangest dream. And... actually, you weren’t in it.”

“You’re on.”

“What did I challenge you to?”

“No, I mean you’re live on telly. Right now.”

“What?”

“You’re live on—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Scootaloo stretched out and yawned in a very feline manner. “Obviously, I didn’t expect this.”

“Do something.”

“But I’m tired....”

“You have another chance at reality show glory.”

“I know....”

“We’ll come back to you, I guess.”

“Okay....”

Pinkie Pie was doing boring baking-related things.

“It’s not boring,” Pinkie claimed without any evidence.

“Perhaps not to you,” camerapony #1 said, “But to the viewers.”

“Fine. Annoy somepony else if it’s so boring to you. You fucking bitches.”

“We will.”

“You’re on,” camerapony #5 said to Rarity in an ambiguously-gendered voice.

“All I’m doing is sewing,” Rarity said. “You should see what Sweetie Belle is up to.”

Camerapony #5 went on a route which may or may not have involved stairs to Sweetie Belle.

“You’re on,” camerapony #5 said to Sweetie Belle in an ambiguously-gendered voice.

Sweetie Belle turned from Minecraft to see the camerapony and associated equipment. “Oh. Well, I’m just playing Minecraft....”

“A likely story. Come on, get off the computer and go outside.”

“Make me.”

“Fine, stay in here.”

And so the rest of the chapter was a camcorder let’s play.

Butterscotch exited her (well, not her, it wasn’t her house, but you know) lavatory.

“You wanna do something?” camerapony #2 said.

“Meh.”

“Nothing?”

“Meh.”

And so with Scootaloo still asleep, it was determined that nothing had wait what holy Faust! Rainbow touched down right near Applejack’s house, the Sweet Apple Acres house, whatever it’s called, and by “right near”, I mean directly in front of the door, such that if the door somehow opened outward, she would get hit with it. Knocking ensued and, after millions of years of erosion, Applejack answered the knocking.

“You’re here,” Applejack said.

“I think you mean ‘hah’,” Rainbow said in a rude but quite good impression of her.

“Come in.”

“What if I don’t?”

“What purpose would you be here for that doesn’t involve sex, which you would come insahde for?”

“There are tons of other reasons I’d need to be here. Like... um... okay, maybe you’re right. Are you gonna judge me?”

“No. In fact, if you don’t come in right now, Ah’m gonna rape ya right here.”

“That sounds more like me.”

“Five...”

“Uh-huh.”

“...22...”

“Sure.”

“...Π...”

“You’re not really like that.”

“...√5...”

“You’d be surprised how many ponies mispronounce focaccia.”

“...√2...”

“Why is this such a big deal to you?”

“...ln(3)...”

“You can rape me if you want, it’s okay.”

“...ln(2)...”

“Seriously, it’s fine. We’re not in the third dimension.”

“...ln(1½)...”

“Is this countdown just an asymptotic curve or does it actually end?”

“...The ratio of the ratio of mane six characters not named Rainbow Dash to those that are to its square...”

Rainbow put one hoof over the doorway.

“...Twahce the fat content of whole milk...”

Rainbow put another hoof and part of her torso over the doorway, leaving her about halfway inside.

“...e^iπ + 1.”

Applejack used Tackle! It’s... um... actually, Tackle is Normal-type, so... never mind. Sex and kissing ensued right in front of the door, which was fun and slightly repetitive, then Big Mac came there. Applejack and Rainbow stopped moving and looked up at him.

“Get a room,” Big Mac said, “Literally.”

“Ain’t that usually literal anyway?” Applejack said.

“Get a room.”

Rainbow and Applejack got up and went to Applejack’s room. Because sex is the one event you’re usually supposed to tell and not show, we bring you the next programme.

Chapter 156: Worried Carambola Sandwiches

“Rainbow,” Twilight said, “I don’t think sliced bread was invented by ‘Robert Sliced’.”

“It’s true!”

“It’s called sliced bread because of the word sliced describing the bread.”

“It’s true!”

“No, it’s not.”

“It’s true!”

“If you don’t stop, I’ll start making a bunch of geography puns.”

“It’s true!”

“It’s false.”

“It’s true!”

“Rainbow.” Twilight stamped her hoof for effect. “Shut up.”

“Fine....”

“Now, what is true is the word ‘rohwed’, meaning to slice bread.”

“You made that up.”

“It’s real.”

“Whatever. What’s important is when you’re raping me.”

“I can lodge you without raping you.”

“You can what?”

“I can lodge—”

“What the hell does that mean in that context?”

“I’m not explaining it to you.”

“Anyway, whatever it is, I’d like to see you try.”

“Lucky for you, you will see me try.”

Rainbow took a feather from one of her wings and held it out to Twilight.

“I’m stronger than that,” Twilight said.

“I won’t judge you.”

“I don’t need your fucking feather.” Twilight took the feather and tried to throw it on the floor, but it floated gently since it was a feather.

“You sure you’re stronger than that?”

“Yes.”

“I guess we’ll see.”

Two seconds later...

Twilight clutched her head, consequently falling to the floor. “I can’t take it anymore!”

“Come on, Twilight, you’ve done two seconds before.”

“But it’s so hard when you’re just right there.”

“Come on, Twilight. Be strong.”

“Strength was my dump stat.”

“Not literal physical strength, like mental strength.”

“Okay. I can maybe do that. Do you mean just rape or sexual assault in general?”

“Just rape, I guess.”

Twilight got up. “I think I can do that.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“Luckily for you, you will see me try.”

“Look, I only have a finite number of feathers.”

“I know... hey, can I clop?”

“You’ve done it before.”

“May I clop under the terms of the challenge?”

“It’s not really in the spirit, I think.”

“Fine... can we still snog?”

“If you’re sure it won’t accidentally lead to sex.”

“Wait, I know! If I get Spike in the room, then I won’t do it!”

“I’m already here,” Spike said.

“Oh. Are there any other ponies... well, not necessarily ponies, but not people... you know what I mean. Anypony else here?”

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said.

“Get out of my house, Apple Bloom.”

“Fine....”

And so Apple Bloom left without a parent or legal guardian to accompany her.

“Rainbow?” Twilight said.

“I’m still here.”

“Well, I can’t just say something to you without saying your name first.”

“What is it?”

“Have you sold that house yet?”

“I have a couple interested ponies, so it’ll probably be sold soon.”

“That sounds like it’s boring to you but not to ponies with attention spans.”

“It is.”

“Do you know where Apple Bloom is?” Applejack said.

“No idea,” Big Mac said.

“Don’t you mean ‘eenope’?”

“Eenope.”

“Wait, does that mean... anyway, Ah can’t find ‘er.”

“She’s disappeared before and been fine.”

“Ah know, but she’s always back bah twenty-two.”

“And?”

“An’ it’s 22:01!”

“She’s probably okay.”

“But if it’s not now, then when do we start to get worried?!”

“What would happen to her?”

“She could be dead right now! Somepony coulda killed ‘er!”

“I don’t think we should be worried.”

“We have to find ‘er!”

“I don’t think we should be worried.”

“She could be dead right now! Somepony coulda killed ‘er!”

Eventually, the loop was broken by a knock on the door.

“Ah’ll get it,” Applejack said, and so she did. “Apple Bloom! You’re alahve!”

“Er... hi?” She walked in without tripping and causing a national ban on wooden floors.

“You’re late, Ah thought somethin’ mahta happened.”

“Ah’m fine....”

“What made you come here so late?”

“Y’know, traffic.”

Silence.

“Ah thought that was good,” Apple Bloom said. “But anyway, the chapter started kahnda later than Ah expected.”

“Well, you’re safe now, that’s what matters.”

“Did you generically worry the whole tahme or did you actually look for me?”

“Er... Ah did lookin’ for a few minutes, but then Ah didn’t really know where to look since you weren’t at here....”

“And that’s how I plan to arbitrage my way into riches,” Rainbow said. “Can you help me get to the fourth dimension and back?”

“You can’t go to the fourth dimension, Rainbow.”

“How would you know, Spike?”

“It’s true,” Twilight said, “You can’t go to the fourth dimension.”

“Are you sure? No way?”

“It’s impossible.”

“With current magic?”

“It’s impossible. Laws of thermodynamics impossible.”

“Fine.”

“So... want some carambola juice?”

“Some what juice?”

“Carambola.”

“What the fuck is carambola?”

“It’s also called starfruit.”

“Oh. That has juice?”

“Yes.”

“Weird.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t know. I’m under eighteen so my idea of ‘weird’ doesn’t really mean anything.”

“Anyway, you want some?”

“How did you get it?”

“I don’t know, they were selling it at the Price✓Rong.”

“Then I’ll go there and ask the... um... well, it’s not like it affects my life anyway.”

“Sounds like somepony’s been eating sour carambolas.”

Chapter 157: XTREEM GRAND CAÑON VAKATION!!!

“WOOOO!” Rainbow said, riding her motorcycle at 98% throttle about three metres away from Grand Cañon, a location in Equestria which is not to be confused with the Grand Canyon. Zecora was directly in Rainbow’s path, and jumped out of the way just in time to avoid being flattened into a waffle.

“I survived that moment just by a hair,” Zecora said. “I almost forgot motorcycles were everywhere!!!!”

Rainbow made a slight miscalculation and rode off the cliff, then abandoned her motorcycle since she could fly. She flew back to Applejack, Twilight, and Zecora.

“I’m not sure whether to be happy you’re not dead or consider you lucky with how dumb that was,” they all said simultaneously.

“There was a reason I couldn’t turn,” Rainbow said. “My tyres—”

She donned her sunglasses.

“—hit the cliff.”

YEEEEAAAAHHHH!

“You should’ve at least had a helmet,” Twilight said. “That would’ve protected against the over nine thousand-hoof falls.”

“Meh,” Rainbow said. “What’s important is that my motorcycle will crash to the bottom by tomorrow so I’ll never use it again.”

Meanwhile, Octavia and Lyra were at the bottom of the canyon.

“Lyra?” Octavia said.

“What?”

“Am I hallucinating or is that a falling motorcycle above us?”

Lyra looked upwards. “I know they say MOTORCYCLES ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!, but I didn’t know they meant everywhere.”

“We should move out of the way.”

“I concur.”

They moved out of the way, but the motorcycle was only going to reach the bottom tomorrow so it didn’t really matter.

“I like the way that rock is coloured,” Lyra said.

“I agree,” Rainbow, next to her, said. “It’s some—”

Rainbow donned her sunglasses.

“—stellar stone.”

YEEEEAAAAHHHH!

“I slipped off an ice edge once,” Rainbow said. “It was a bit jäääärring.”

“That sounds like a bilingual pun,” Lyra said. “If only camerapony #3 was here.”

“I am,” camerapony #3 said.

“Oh. Can you explain the pun?”

“I don’t know its other language.”

“Do you know its other language, Rainbow Dash?”

“No, I heard it from Twilight. I don’t even get it.” No one knew how to respond to that. “So I should probably fly back up now.”

“You do that.”

“Is this how we’re spending the last chapters of the series?” Twilight said.

“Eeyup,” Applejack said in an awful impression of Big Mac.

“Why, you got a problem with that?” Rainbow said.

There was a lack of sound whilst everyone waited for Zecora to say something.

“Zecora?” Twilight said. “Are you going to say anything? It’s your turn.”

“Well, since you all complain whenever I don’t rhyme....”

Content warning: I Suck At Titles, Summary Better is a PEGI 3.

“Okay, first,” Twilight said, “That’s a rating for video games, not telly. Second, I don’t think that, if this were to be a game, it would be a PEGI 3.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said. “For one thing, the show is 15+ here.”

“Sometimes it’s even 18,” Twilight said. “But yeah, the point is that it’s not for three-year-olds. So should we keep walking?”

“Sure, yeah, whatever,” the other three said.

Chapter 158: Minor Mane Six Club

STARRING

Fluttershy

Pinkoszowic Diane Pie

Rarity Belle

Apple Bloom Apple

Scootaloo

and Butterscotch Welshtape

IN

the MINOR MANE SIX CLUB

“Ah think we should dig a secret base for ourselves,” Apple Bloom said.

“Sounds great,” Pinkie Pie said, “But where would we make it?”

“Why are we in a black void of nothingness?” asked Scootaloo in an interrogative tone.

“Magic,” Butterscotch said.

Everyone looked towards Rarity.

“Where’s the secret forest clearin’ we’re supposed to be in?” Apple Bloom said.

“I think I botched the teleportation a little,” Rarity said, simultaneously embarrassed and nervous that everyone was going to try to kill her.

“No shit,” Scootaloo swore to get a PG-13, “Now bring us back to at least anywhere!”

“Okay...” Rarity said, nervous that she was going to screw up again.

She started the magical concentration spellcasting thing. The magic sphere of magic expanded to a radius of π feet, then in a literal flash, they were π metres in the air above the forest clearing where they were supposed to be. Everyone fell onto the hard, firm, stiff, inflexible, tough dirt uninjured, barring Fluttershy, who didn’t fall at all since she could fly, and instead landed onto the dirt uninjured.

“We’re alive!” Pinkie said. Just then, a pegasus dressed in a very Blue Mage-like outfit nosedived down to the clearing.

“Hello,” the pegasus said in a generic male superhero voice, “I’m Captain Obvious!”

“We know,” Butterscotch said.

“Right. Anyway, I came here to tell you that you’re all alive!”

“Yay!” said the six.

“Scoo-da-loo!” Captain Obvious said, before flying away into the sun... set... rise... well, it was pretty damn close to noon, but towards the horizon, in any case.

“Maybe he can be my love interest,” Rarity said.

“You don’t need a love interest,” Pinkie said. “Just look at me! I’m perfectly happy and I’m not in a romantic relationship.”

“But everypony either dies or gets together with somepony at the end, right?”

“No. Not even most ponies.”

Silence.

“Ah nominate mahself for leader ah the club!” Apple Bloom said.

“I nominate myself for leader of the club,” Scootaloo said.

“I’ll run too,” Pinkie said.

“Vote for Apple Bloom!” Apple Bloom said. “You’ll get free π!”

“Of all the candidates,” Rarity said, “I hate Scootaloo the least. In fact, I don’t hate her at all.”

“I think if they all ran a club, Pinkie’s would be the least doomed to failure,” Butterscotch said.

“Butterscotch makes a good point,” Fluttershy said.

“w00000t!” Pinkie said. “I’m president of this club! Or am I dictator?”

“You’re president,” said Apple Bloom.

“w00000t!” Pinkie said. “I’m president of this club! As my first order as president, I command you all to start digging the secret base!”

“That sounds more like a dictator,” Butterscotch said.

“You’ll be paid in cupcakes!”

“‘Kay,” Apple Bloom said.

“Works for me,” said Scootaloo.

“It’s probably better to give me food instead of giving me money and letting me spend it on Big Mac merch,” Butterscotch said.

“How many cupcakes?” Fluttershy said.

“Three cupcakes an hour!”

“I guess I don’t have anything better to do.”

“Why should I exhaust myself digging a hole for a ‘food’ whose primary components are fat and sugar?” Rarity said.

“Fine, we’ll replace you with somepony else. Maybe camerapony #3 or Sweetie Belle or Big Mac or a lot of other ponies would like to be in the Minor Mane Six.”

“If you expel me, then I’ll tell everypony about the secret base!”

“Fine, tell everypony. We’ll just have the club somewhere else.”

“Where?”

“I won’t tell you that easy.”

“Nice part of speech, and fine. I’m leaving the club.”

“Fine!”

And so Rarity began her journey out of the forest.

“Who are we gonna get to replace her?!” Pinkie said.

“I’m already here,” camerapony #3 said.

“Good! Then you. Get over there and dig.”

“But I’m the only camerapony here.”

“Do you wanna be a part of this or not?!”

“Can I get another camerapony here?”

“Fine, but this is coming out of your paycheque.” She looked around. “Where’s Apple Bloom?”

“She’s getting shovels,” Fluttershy said.

“Oh. Well, that’s okay.”

Tune in next week to see what will happen in the general vicinity of our heroes next time on...

the MINOR MANE SIX!

Chapter 159: Tonight Someone Dies

“Someone dies?!” Spike said. “Someone? That could be me!”

“I don’t think you’re going to die, Spike,” Twilight said, more to calm him down than out of actually knowing the odds of him dying.

“But why wouldn’t they just say somepony?”

“They always say someone whether they’re referring to ponies or not.”

“But still, how do you know it won’t be me?”

“I know because... er... you’ve had a line. They’d never kill a pony who’s actually gotten a line somewhere.”

“Why not? It’d be more dramatic.”

“Sure, but then they couldn’t use you again.”

“But what if they don’t think they need me? Maybe this is all I’m good for now!”

“If you’re really worried, then just don’t do anything dangerous. It’s not like one pony or dragon or zebra or anything is magically fated to die anyway.”

“I guess you’re right. I just won’t do anything stupid.”

“Exactly.”

“Huh,” Rainbow said, “Somepony dies.”

“That puts a damper on the clopfic tahmes we were about to have,” Applejack said.

“Yeah. But at least it won’t be either of us, right? We’re way too mane to die.”

“Who is it, though?”

“Uh... I dunno, who’s close to dying? Granny Smith?”

“Ah hate to say it, but you maht‘ve a point there....”

“I’m sorry, but....”

“Yeah... there’s no guarantee, though. Maybe somepony kills Dahmond.”

“Look, what can we do to alter it? We should just have our sex and not worry about it.”

“We could just hang out....”

Rainbow burst into lolling, but Applejack didn’t.

“lolol... Chile... why aren’t you laughing, AJ? Were you actually serious?”

“It was just a thought....”

“I came here for sex and free lodging, not friendship.”

“But that’s all we ever do. Sometimes you just get lonely, right?”

“I’m Rainbow Dash.”

“C’mon, you need companionship every once in a whahle, raht?”

“I don’t need all that soppy stuff.”

“You missed a chance to swear at ‘stuff’.”

Rainbow thought over the line. “Sorry. You still love me, right?”

“Why would Ah stop lovin’ you ‘cause you swore less?”

“I dunno....”

Applejack looked down to indicate sad thinking. “When you left for three weeks, Ah got really depressed... not lahke clinical depressed, like really sad depressed, but still.”

“I know, everypony got sad. What’s your point?”

“Ah don’t know, it’s just... Ah didn’t think Ah needed you so much. Ah just didn’t wanna do anythin’. And there was the one day Ah didn’t an’ just laid in bed.”

“Well, maybe if that didn’t happen forever ago, it would matter. You wanna have sex or do I need to rape you?”

“You’re bein’ inconsiderate.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“...Yeah, you’re right.”

“Somepony dies?” Fluttershy said to herself. “Does that really need to happen?”

No one answered, as she was the only one there.

“I hope there’s at least two lines of buildup to it, but knowing this....”

“What if I trip or something?” Lyra said to Octavia. “Then it’ll be me!”

“Why would you die from tripping?”

“It’s happened!”

“Yes, but if you just fall on the floor....”

“Death!”

“How do we even know it’ll happen? The chapter titles have been wrong before.”

“I guess you’re right... I can’t take any chances, though. I’m staying right here.”

“You’re staying in the—”

“Don’t describe the house, Octavia.”

“But otherwise—”

“No.”

“I could die, easy as pie,” Zecora said whilst stirring something undetermined. “I could... well, I’m making soup right now... I could spill it on myself, that would be easy as tau. But at worst, I’d get a burn. There are many words that rhyme with burn, but I don’t think any of them apply right now.”

“Okay, Rarity,” said Rarity, “Just don’t try to make something useful again and you should be fine.”

Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle was watching this chapter and acting in a rather unconcerned manner.

“Sweetie Belle,” said Rarity, “Did you even see the chapter title?”

“What can we do? We don’t have a bunker under our house or anything.”

“But you’re not even generically worried.”

“Like I said, what can we even do about it? Staying calm is better than getting nervous.”

“I don’t kn—what if it’s Opal? She hasn’t said anything. All the characters who have died have never said anything.”

“What good writer would let a cat die?”

“We can’t take any chances, Sweetie Belle. Do you know where Opal is?”

Opal came into the room.

“Opal!” Rarity would’ve picked her up if she was bipedal. “Say something!”

Opal rubbed Rarity’s leg with a cheek.

“SAY SOMETHING!”

“Mrm.”

“Good.”

“So because she said that, she’s immortal for the next few minutes?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Yes.”

“I’m with Sweetie Belle,” Pinkie Pie, also watching the chapter live, said. “Why get worried over some vague, unspecified event that we have no idea when it’s coming or even that it’s gonna happen?” No one was there to have a hilarious conversation with her. “I wish I had something to do right now.”

“Ah wish they could be a li’l quaheter,” Apple Bloom said. “Usually it’s okay, but tanaht it’s slahtly ridiculous. Does slahtly ridiculous make sense? What do you think, Scootaloo?”

“Saying that doesn’t make her here,” Big Mac said.

“Well, it should. Ah don’t care what laws ah physics that would break, we have magic in this world. An’ it already works with State Farm employees.”

“I wish I had a food,” Scootaloo said.

Trixie was walking on a forest path which may or may not have been the Everfree, listening to this chapter on her copyright-friendly iPod. By itself this was uninteresting, but then she said something.

“I hope my next passing off magic tricks as non-magic-related talent show at Ponyville goes better this time,” she said. “Everypony’s probably forgiven me since, right? Ponyvillians are generally pretty forgiving, so they’ll let me start again, shouldn’t they? Wait, why am I hearing my own voice in the thing?” She took her ©Fi for a moment. “I’m on? Finally, but crap, what should I do? Just keep walking like I am now? I guess that’s what got me on, but—”

She heard a moderately frightening roar coming from the forest. Well, she was in the forest, but you know.

“What was that?” she looked towards the noise. “Oh crap, is that one of those Ursa Minors? All I can do is magic tricks, not actual magic. Not literally no actual magic, I can levitate stuff and teleport and a few miscellaneous things, I’m not stupid, but you know.”

The beary scary roar happened once again.

“That’s not an Ursa Minor, that’s an Ursa Midea. I should oh crap it’s coming towards me sprinting why aren’t you sprinting....”

And so the next twenty seconds consisted of the Ursa Midea slowly but surely gaining on her.

“Wait, I can teleport.”

She teleported three kilometres away.

“I guess I’m safe.”

“It’ll be me,” Diamond Tiara said as she paced around the floor.

“You’ll be fine,” Filthy said even though he had no idea.

“I prefer Rich,” he said to transcriber #2.

“You don’t know that,” Diamond said. “Somepony’s probably about to kill me.”

“Why would anypony want to kill—”

“Because I’m a jerk. I got raped and nopony cared.”

“Who would kill you?”

“Any of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. They’re the ones that have a specific reason besides just hating me.”

“They wouldn’t kill anypony, they’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”

“Apple Bloom wouldn’t rape anypony either, but she did.”

“It’ll be me,” Silver Spoon said. She was eating her midday bowl of Torus Os in a quick manner to indicate nervousness. “They’ll kill me. Diamond’s good for scenes, but there’s no use for me.”

“Who would kill you?” Silver Spoon’s mother, Argentum Argentatus Spoon, usually known as Argentum, said. She was also eating Torus Os. “The producers? What would they do to you?”

“I don’t know. But if they suddenly pick me up for a scene, I’m not accepting it.”

“See? You know what you’re doing. You’ll be fine.”

“I’m just generically worried.”

“Being worried won’t help anything.”

“I know. I guess I’m doing all I can really do with the not accepting thing.”

“Exactly. Just be smart and don’t panic.”

“I won’t. Panic. Hey, can I describe the house?”

“Of course you can.”

“Well, first off, the obvious unusual thing is the—”

“All those ponies are so selfish,” said Butterscotch, lying in her bed. “Oh, I’m on. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you, viewers. You’re selfish. You’re all concerned about it’s gonna be me or I’m going to die. You know what? I can die. As long as it’s not Big Mac, I’m happy. That’s what’s really important to me.”

Butterscotch’s cellular telephone rang. She picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Butterscotch...” a heavily weeping voice said, “I don’t know how to tell you this....”

“Talking?”

“Oh, good idea. Well... you know your cousin Margarine Northern Irish?”

“Yeah.”

“She didn’t make it through the pancreas transplant.”

“But... but we loved her....”

The pony over the phone, specifically Clotted Cream Gibraltarian, the mother of Margarine Northern Irish, nodded, not that Butterscotch could tell. “Yes... I’m sorry, Butterscotch....”

Butterscotch cried into the phone in place of dialogue.

“I need to go, okay?”

“Okay....”

They hung up.

“Wow,” Apple Bloom said. “Maybe if Ah knew ‘er Ah’d be sad.”

“Eeyup.”

“Last.”

“Last.”

“Last.”

“Should we do this together?”

“Sure.”

“Last,” Apple Bloom and Big Mac said.

Chapter 114: Quotation Dashes

— First! Apple Bloom, jumping in front of the camera, said.

— Dammit, Apple Bloom! — said Rainbow —, treading air because she could, — You know how much I wanted that!

— That was supposed to be mine, Spike said.

Meanwhile, the transcriber bothered to describe where they were, which happened to be Near Sugarcube Corner.

— I have stuff to do, Spike said.

— Yeah, me too, Rainbow — said.

— Fine, then Ah guess Ah’ll just be here bah mahself.

And so — and Spike left for work and work, non-respectively.

— Somethin’ convenient better happen, — Apple Bloom said, — Or this is gonna be hard to do just bah mahself.

For no immediately apparent reason, Pinkie Pie walked into the shot.

— Hi, Pinkie Pie, Apple Bloom said.

— I heard there was a scene here, — Pinkie said, — So since it was so close I thought I’d come.

— Heh, Apple Bloom said.

— I know.

Silence.

— Oh craps, — Pinkie said, — I see a customer coming in.

She —ed back to Sugarcube Corner.

— Now what? Apple Bloom said. She stood in front of the CAEB-sponsored bench doing nothing for a minute. — Ah should prolly go back home.

Chapter 116: Twidash Chapter 4-1

“But Twilight’s cooking ramen!” Spike said.

“You can finish it yourself,” Twilight said, “It’s fucking ramen.”

“Nice parenting.”

“It’s called guardianing, Spike.”

“Whatever. Nice guardianing.”

Knock-knock!

“I will retrieve the door,” Twilight said.

Twilight got the door without going through the joke.

“Twahlaht!” said Rainbow in Applejack’s voice. “Ah’m in Rainbow’s body, ya need ta help me!”

“But this universe’s magic system doesn’t allow for that to happen.”

“Oh,” Rainbow said in Rainbow Dash’s voice. “Okay. Then I’m Rainbow.”

“Cool. So what did you come here for? Free lodging? To ask me a question?”

“You know why I’m here.”

“Well, I am not yesterday’s Twilight anymore. I don’t need to have sex every other day like some sort of... of... sex-addicted pony. You can take your teenage horniness somewhere else, because I don’t want it.”

“Okay.” Rainbow started to turned around and didn’t even get the apex of her first step in before Twilight pulled her back by the neck.

“Not really,” Twilight said somewhat hastily, “It was a joke, I’m sorry.”

“I know, I was just fucking with you.”

“Well, how about you literally fuck with me. Come on.”

“I haven’t done anything on Facebook in three hours, everypony’s gonna think I’m dead.”

“Fine. But make it quick.”

Eight minutes and 32.15 seconds later!

“‘Kay,” Rainbow said, “Now can you not rape me?”

“Sort of.”

“What do you mean ‘sort of’?”

“I was thinking sexual assault.”

“But I wouldn’t care if you did that.”

And as such Twilight did that. Spike was eating the ramen and watching. He said something, but he was simultaneously eating ramen so no one was able to make it out. After several minutes of snogging on the floor, Rainbow stopped, Twilight for some reason letting her even though the entire point was that she wouldn’t.

“Why am I attracted to you?” Rainbow said, her tone making it clear it was the romantic version of the phrase and not the literal, angry kind. “I get why I like AJ, but why you?”

“Because Twidash is hotter than Appledash.”

“You’re supposed to say ‘there are some things you just can’t explain’ or something, which is the opposite of what you said.”

“Because that’s so like me.”

“Well, I know, but... I thought maybe you’d wanna at least try to be all romantic.”

“I just wanna fuck.”

“No, I just wanna fuck. You have a romantic interest in me.”

“So do you.”

“Fuck, I forgot.”

“You forgot? Do you love me or not?”

“Yeah, I just forgot for a moment.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“You can always leave me if you want.”

“I’m sure how I feel about that.”

They started holding each other and kissing again and blah blah love. Hey, Spike, you got anything interesting to say?

“Hmm,” transcriber #1 said, “Maybe if I say it to him instead of typing it, he’ll answer. Hey, Spike!”

“Huh?” Spike looked to his left. “What?”

“You have anything interesting to say whilst Twilight and Rainbow have boring happiness?”

“Not really.”

“Maybe we can just end the chapter here.”

Rainbow overheard it and stopped the kissing, holding unaffected. “Before we have sex?”

“It’s not like you won’t have sex if the chapter ends before then.”

“Well, I know, but... um... okay, I’ll admit it, I want ponies to watch.”

“We’ll still watch you, don’t worry.”

“Cool.”

Chapter 117: Narration by Applejack

Ah started mah day lahke Ah start every day: bah changin’ from a state ah sleep to one of awakedom. Ah had one ah those wakin’ ups where you spend half an hour in bed before you actually get up, if you care. Anyway, Ah eventually went downstairs an’ subsequently to the lavatory and did boring mornin’ things. Anyway, Ah eventually came out, ah course, an’ then hours ah apple-buckin’ ensued. Anyway, Ah like doin’ it, but it’s a fun to play, not to watch kinda thing. Anyway, Apple Bloom eventually came up ta me an’ dialogue ensued.

“Hi, Apple Bloom,” Ah said. “You got somethin’ you need to tell me?”

“No, Ah just came ‘ere for no reason. Yeah, Ah wanna tell ya somethin’. Dahmond’s comin’ in about...” Apple Bloom looked at ‘er wrist, which didn’t’ve a watch. “2π minutes.”

“‘Kay, Ah’ll plan accordin’ly.”

“‘Kay.”

So after half an hour of apple-buckin’, Ah came over to the lawn... tahpe... place. You know what Ah mean.

“Hi, AJ,” Apple Bloom said, “They should be here in about...” she looked at ‘er nonexistent watch again, “π minutes.”

“‘They’? Ah thought you said it was just Dahmond.”

“She’s bringin’ Silver Spoon. An’ that remahnds me, Sweetie Belle’s supposed to be here....”

“What are they comin’ ‘ere for anyway?”

“Sex.”

“What?”

“Y’know. Me an’ Dahmond, Sweetie Belle an’ Silver Spoon.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Sweetie Belle an’ Silver Spoon’ve been talkin’ a bit, an’ they decahded they should at least trah each other since there might be somethin’.”

“What.”

“Nah, not really. Ah’m just fuckin’ with ya.”

Ah breathed a moderately loud sah ah relief. “Well, you got me.”

“Look!” Apple Bloom said. “Sweetie Belle!”

She didn’t just say that hopin’ Sweetie Belle would appear; she was actually there, walkin’ up to us at gently rubneck speed. Anyway, Sweetie Belle eventually made it without, Ah dunno, trippin’ or somethin’.

“Hi, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hello,” Sweetie Belle said.

“You’re so fancy. ‘Hello’.”

“Is it so wrong for me to be a little sophisticated?”

“Hey, you don’ ‘afta be lahke that, wasn’t tryin’ to insult ya.”

“I’m not going to apologise for that.”

“Fahne. Ah hate you.”

“As if I need you.”

Apple Bloom an’ Sweetie Belle turned away from each other for about a second before both turnin’ back.

“Ah’m sorry, Sweetie Belle. That was never meant ta be an insult or anythin’.”

“It’s my fault for misinterpreting it.”

Just when everythin’ was about to be okay for a minute, Dahmond an’ Silver Spoon came, previously unnoticed due to Apple Bloom an’ Sweetie Belle bein’ focussed on bah all ah us so much.

“Dahmond,” Apple Bloom said.

“Apple Bloom,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Hello, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.”

“Hello, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle.”

“Grrr,” Apple Bloom “said”.

“It’s on,” Diamond said. “By the way, what’s on?”

“Um... Ah didn’t actually come up with anythin’.”

“This was supposed to be the ultimate match to decide who’s better.”

“Ah know, but... well, what can we do without any equipment?”

“Running? Pankration? Pitching each other maths problems?”

“Ah like the fifth one.”

“So do I,” Sweetie Belle said.

Silver Spoon nodded.

“Then we’ll do that,” Diamond Tiara Rich said.

“Do Ah have to be here?” Ah said.

“No,” the non-Silver Spoon others said.

An’ so Ah decahded to continue apple-buckin’. Nothin’ really excahtin’ happened, though, so skippin’ over to when Ah went insahde the house, Ah did computery stuff. Well, Ah was doin’ computery stuff, then Ah heard a knock on the door. Figurin’ it was Rainbow, Ah got a li’l’ excited. Ah ran down the stairs an’ got the door.

“Hi, Derpy!”

Derpy mouthed me a letter.

“thx, Derpy!”

Derpy duly departed. Ah closed the door and looked to see who it was for. Since it was me, Ah opened the envelope. It read:

“Dear Applejack Apple,

If you are reading this, I am dead.”

“Well, that’s strange... whah would they bother to call me Applejack Apple?”

The door was knocked again, an’ so Ah answered it again.

“Rainbow!” Ah said, since it was Rainbow. Ah forced the kissue, but she quickly broke it. Since the entahre point was forcin’, Ah started kissin’ ‘er again, sendin’ us both to the floor an’ firmly holdin’ her head into mahne. Rainbow accepted an’ joined it that tahme. It went on for a few minutes without anythin’ really happenin’, but eventually we ended it an’ so interestin’ stuff started happenin’ again.

“For a pony who doesn’t get lonely, you sure come to mah house a lot....”

“Look, two things I really like are being with you and having sex. I’m bored of sleeping and tired of flying, so what am I supposed to do?”

“Ah don’t mind it. So should we go upstairs?”

“No, we should just have sex right here.”

“Ah don’t need your sarcasm, c’mon.”

We went upstairs into mah room.

“Um, AJ?”

“Yeah?”

“Why are you typing on a laptop like some sort of transcriber?”

“‘Cause Ah’m writin’ the narration this chapter.”

“No, seriously.”

“Ya rly.”

Rainbow walked over to see the laptop which, bah the way, was on the bed. “Why are you typing your accent?”

“Ah was told to do it.”

“Doesn’t that seem a little insulting to you?”

“Maybe a little. But they’re givin’ me so much money.”

“So why did they offer it anyway?”

“They wanted another screwy chapter lahke Quotation Dashes.”

“Why does this always Xplain the reasons for things after it does them?”

“Rainbow, ponies used X words for a week after that film came out an’ never again.”

“I don’t Xactly care what other ponies do. If I like it, then I’ll do it.”

“Ah don’t need your shoehorned moral, c’mon.” Ah took the laptop off the bed an’ patted it. The bed, not the laptop.

“You go first,” Rainbow said.

“You go first.”

“Why should I go first?”

“‘Cause Ah patted the bed.”

“Fine.”

Rainbow went onto the bed. Ah got on top ah ‘er an—

“Wait, wait, wait,” Chocolate Rain, a Programme Productions employee, said. “If we’re actually going to have a somewhat detailed sex scene, can it please not be in the first person?”

“It’s okay,” said REESE’S® Peanut Butter Cups®, who had recently renamed himself for sponsorship purposes, “It won’t actually be all detailed.”

“I’ll believe it when I taste it.”

Snoggin’ ensued. However, this particular tahme was filled with unusual techniques and innovation and no not really.

“AJ?”

“Yeah?”

“Can’t you type your little report after we have sex and not take a break every five minutes?”

“Ah guess....”

The sex was filled with unusual techniques and innovation and no not really.

Chapter 118: A Lyra/Bon Bon Chapter

“What?!” Lyra said. “You’re starting a chapter now? But I want to be with Octavia for that!”

“Maybe they think she’s a little boring now,” Bon Bon said.

“Boring? Just because she’s all formal Raritiness doesn’t mean she’s boring.”

“She’s actually okay, but I feel like I should hate her since she’s my love rival.”

“It’s okay, I’m sure she feels the same way.”

“Really?”

“No, she’s not like that at all.”

“Oh. Now I feel bad about myself.”

“Nice part of speech, Bon Bon, and I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. Okay, I did a little. I still feel kind of bad about it, though.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault I’m such a jerk.”

“Come on, you’re not the only pony like that.”

“I know, but that still doesn’t make it okay.”

“I think you’re exagg—”

A bell signalled the entrance of a consumer. The consumer was wearing an official Big Macintosh™ cap, the only thing with which they identified. Being a Big Mac fangirl, not the cap.

“Welcome to Bon Bon’s Sweet Shop,” said Bon Bon.

The fangirl who has a name but it’s not important started slowly browsing the shop.

“So, to continue the conversation,” Lyra continued the conversation, “I don’t think you’re as bad of a pony as you think you are. You’re not bitchy Bon Bon from over a year ago, you’re nice Bon Bon from over three years ago.”

“Then why won’t you give me another chance?”

“I’ve explained that to you before, Octavia was better than you even when you weren’t a bitch.”

“But what if I was never like that in the first place?”

“I would’ve left you later? I liked her more, so I would’ve eventually left you anyway....”

“So my rudeness didn’t actually do anything to change the timeline?”

“It cost you three or four months of being with me, but nothing would be different today. There was still the whole ‘you were just the best option’ thing that would’ve made me leave you, Octavia existence or not.”

“Oh. I had the impression that if I was never like that, you never would’ve left me....”

“No. Sorry, but it probably was going to eventually happen anyway, even if it would be for a different reason.”

“That’s just not the impression I had....”

“That’s what you just said.”

“I know, but... look, the point is that I feel bad about myself.”

“Why? I already told you about how you’re an okay pony again.”

“I know, but I’m not good enough for you. I can be better.”

“Don’t be like that. Just because you’re not exactly who I want doesn’t make you bad. I mean, I’m not involved with Twilight, but does that make her a bad pony?”

“No....”

“See?”

“I guess you have a point.”

“So, then... what about Octavia’s chapter?”

“Don’t ask me.”

“We have something planned,” camerapony #2 said with a >:) face.

The fangirl came up and put some sweets on the counter.

“That’ll be...” Lyra said, “Carry the ten... convert to hexadecimal... three bits ten.”

She hooved some coins over and blah purchasing. She left without tripping on any ladybirds.

“The next chapter’s probably going to be really long,” Lyra said.

“Why?”

“Because look at the lengths of the chapters so far.”

“I guess, but why that one specifically?”

“Hey, some pony at the gym told me and he can bench press 9,001 kilograms.”

Chapter 119: Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Episode 7: Twilight is Fucked

“I am?” Twilight said. “By Rainbow, right? Because otherwise that sounds traumatising.”

“It’s the metaphorical sense, like the one that means ‘doomed’,” Lyra said.

“Oh. Well, that still sucks.”

“You misunderstood something and you’re Twilight!”

“I know....”

Applejack came out of the mandatory forest. “Ah got the mail.”

“Read it or else,” camerapony #3 said.

“Or else what?”

“Or else I’ll read it.”

“Menacin’... anyway, it says ‘There are six ah you left, as you already know; Zecora can’t think up a rahme, so just go.’.”

“I guess we should go, then,” Twilight said, since even though it was obvious, someone had to say it.

“Welcome, Withstanders! Today’s challenge is the archery challenge!”

“But we’re quadrupeds,” Twilight said.

“They’re called challenges for a reason, Twilight. If they were easy, we’d call them a word for something easy. Like pieces of cakewalks or something. Since you’ll only be going one at a time, we’ve decided you can all take turns with one bow and one arrow.”

Octavia raised her hoof.

“What questions could you possibly have?”

“What if we lose the arrow?”

“Another one can be delivered within two hours. Who’s going first?”

“Wouldn’t it be more of an advantage to go last?” Octavia said.

“Um....” She put a hoof under her chin for exactly two seconds. “Then Twilight can go first for not understanding what a challenge is.”

Twilight grabbed the bow and the arrow. The target wasn’t a standard ten-ring archery target; it was the size of one, but had five rings, marked π, (10^6-1)÷142857, .11×10^2, love+1, and 4/5*antilog5(2). Twilight fired the arrow as she went bipedal, managing a (10^6-1)÷142857.

“Who’s next for round 1 of 1?” Pinkie said.

“I’ll go,” Lyra said.

The arrow was retrieved by a relative of Silver Spoon’s, Silver Retriever, who was in shiny silver armour for arrow protection.

“Okay...” said Lyra. She got bipedal and slipped as she fired the arrow, sending it straight up then straight down, for Twilight to catch it with her levitation centimetres before it hit her in the knee.

“Twilight! You saved my... well... not my life, but probably something important! You don’t secretly love me, do you?”

“So because I didn’t let you lie there and die, I’m romantically interested in you?”

“No. I was asking.”

Lyra got up and Octavia took the bow and arrow, in that order. Octavia gave Lyra a neutral but maybe a bit sad look.

“I don’t love her,” Lyra said.

Octavia turned away and looked at the bow and arrow on the ground, thinking about how she would do this.

“Honestly, I don’t!”

“I believe you.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I need to concentrate.”

“Sorry.”

Octavia went bipedal, then immediately fell down without getting a shot off.

“Is that it?” Octavia said.

“You didn’t actually fire,” Pinkie Pie said, “So you can go again.”

She fired the arrow about ten centimetres (just 4.9m short of the target—for ungulate quadrupeds with no archery experience, five metres is a long way), and immediately fell down.

“Aren’t there usually some sort of practice supplies sent before one of these challenges?” said camerapony #3.

“Next you’ll be asking for enough water to survive upon,” Pinkie said. “Real pony’s game. I would say real stallion’s, since that’s how the saying goes, but most of you aren’t stallions. In fact, Big Mac’s still a colt for a few more months and also forever. Camerapony #3, you’re next.”

Camerapony #3 got up and was able to stand for more than one second. She got a .11×10^2.

“Wow,” Pinkie said, “An actual good shot. Who’s next, Big Mac or Applejack? Hey, your names rhyme! You know, I never noticed that before.”

“Ah’ll go.” She took the bow/arrow combination pack and stood up for a whopping three seconds. During that time, since she’s a designated physically precise pony, she got a love+1.

“Holy cra... n... berries...” Pinkie said.

“You know,” Lyra said, “‘Crayon’ is a word.”

“Big Mac’s next.”

Big Mac did the exact same thing as Octavia’s second try.

“Welperdoozerwhatzits, that means AJ wins invulnerability!”

Back at Jambalaysland, logues of varying number.

“I’m fucked,” Twilight said.

“It’s okay,” lied camerapony #3, “Sixth out of twelve is good, right? And you’ll get to see Rainbow Dash.”

“Sixth out of twelve is average. It’s just as average as seventh out of twelve.”

“It’s okay for some reason I suspiciously can’t articulate.”

“I guess you have a point about Rainbow... still, though, not to insult her, but that doesn’t outweigh the being out of the game thing.”

“So I asked why a couple of the minerals at the exhibit were gone,” Lyra said, “And he said they lost them when they were rearranging some stuff. Then Rainbow appeared out of nowhere and said

‘Looks like the owners are suffering from...’

and she put on her sunglasses,

‘Loss of apatite.’.

“Then there was ‘yeeeaaahhh’ out of nowhere and then I pointed out that they didn’t lose any apatite. Then Rainbow said she didn’t even know what apatite was besides a mineral and she just learned it from being around Twilight and thought she just had to use it in a pun somewhere.”

“Continue.”

“That’s it.”

“Oh. That didn’t seem particularly ending-like.”

“I know, but after that it was boring. Well, not boring, I had fun, but you know.”

Applejack was felinely curled up on the ground, which I just thought was worth mentioning.

“Ah miss Rainbow,” she said.

“It’s been two days,” Big Mac said.

“Ah miss Rainbow.”

“You’ve been away from her for longer before.”

“Ah miss Rainbow.”

“It’s been two days.”

“Ah miss Rainbow.”

And so with everyone covered, it was time for Teamal Council. Dramatic establishing shots ensued.

“Welcome. There are six of you here. But at the end of tonight,” she held up a revolver, “There will only be five. We’re going by number of romantic partners tonight, which means camerapony #3, you’re first.”

“You don’t have to remind me.”

Voting: it’s the one thing you’re not supposed to show.

“I’ll tally the votes,” Pinkie decided right then. She got the votes. “Whoever gets the most votes loses. First vote: Twilight.”

“Second vote: Twilight. That’s two votes Twilight, four votes left. Hey, what’s this plate of marshmallows on the ground?” There was indeed a plate, perhaps a platter, of marshmallows behind the podium. She took one of the marshmallows and ate it. “Mmm, sugar. Uh, vote #3: camerapony #3.”

“Twilight.”

“Seventh pony voted off Withstander: Corvidae Islands and second member of our jury: Twilight.”

Twilight walked up to Pinkie Pie.

“Twilight, all your friends hate you.”

She walked off for Sequestria.

“Now the game gets interesting... mwahahahahaha! Good night.”

Chapter 11X: Tea Time Featuring Octeavia and Raritea

“I can’t honestly say I care that much for tea,” Rarity said.

“I enjoy it to a moderate degree.”

“IS WICKED AWSUM!” Apple Bloom said, skateboarding across the shot. She ran into a wheelie bin offscreen.

“Rarity?” Octavia said.

“Yes?”

“I have several questions. In descending importance, is Apple Bloom all right?”

“Ah’m good,” Apple Bloom said.

“What is Apple Bloom doing?”

“Doesn’t matter what she’s doing, it’s what Alesi and Schumacher are doing that matters.”

“Why is there a wheelie bin inside the studio?”

“I don’t know... security, could you be so kind as to escort Apple Bloom, her skateboard, and the wheelie bin out of the studio? And what are you doing without at least a helmet, Apple Bloom?”

A commercial break was had to deal with these things.

“Hello,” Octavia said, “And welcome back to Tea Time. Today on Tea Time, we’re discussing the concept of thyme in tea.”

“The Wikipedia article about tea states that Armenia sometimes like their tea with thyme, but it doesn’t have any sources.”

“So perhaps tea time is a good time for thyme.”

Rarity took a sip of tea. “I find tea in general to be dull and contenting simulteaneously.”

“Perhaps you should find time to try some with thyme sometime.”

“Apparentea.” Rarity took a laptop from offscreen. “I’m going to quickly Google tea with thyme to see what I get.”

Octavia would’ve said “okay” or something if she didn’t have as quiet a nature.

“All right,” Rarity said, “I looked it up, and apparently tea time is the time for thyme whether you’re in Armenia or not.”

“I suppose I should try thymed tea sometime.”

“I agree, some thyme sometime could very well be a good time.”

“Well, with that, it’s time for our second commercial break.”

“That segment lasted what, a minute?” Sweetie Belle said, lying on Rarity’s television-facing couch with Scootaloo.

“Meh,” Scootaloo said, “When you have a five-minute show....”

“I suppose.”

“It’s so weird to hear a foal saying ‘suppose’.”

“Well, I’m the sister of Rarity, what do you want?”

“Hey, I didn’t say it was a problem.”

“You think it is, though....”

“No, I don’t. Fanciness is generally a good thing.”

“Oh. I guess I’m just paranoid.”

With all of the topic’s citrusy juice squeezed out, someone had to bring up something else.

“I’m in a house,” Scootaloo said as if it wasn’t obvious.

“Uh... duh?” exactly, Sweetie Belle.

“Well, it’s important to me.”

“I know....”

Silence.

“I am so sick of doughnuts,” Scootaloo said.

“Welcome back to Tea Time,” Octavia said. “So, Rarity. Do you think drinking Earl Grey tea should count as an automatic Backyard Sports reference?”

“Quite.”

“Next on the question agenda, is it racist to dislike black tea?”

“Hmm. I don’t think so. Now, a couple questions directed at you... do you get your tea from Price✓Rong, TeaTraders.com*, or Price✓Rong’s more aggressive rival Price✔Rong?”

“Actually, I get it from this little shop called Teak Tea Shop just outside of Ponyville. Besides tea, they have a bunch of tea-related things made from teak wood.”

“I see. Next question, if you had twelve hours to live, what would you do?”

“How does this relate to tea?”

Rarity looked at the leaf of paper she was holding. “I don’t know, that is a weird question... um, finally, then, what do you think of the upcoming video game Weltering Champion ‘12?”

“I’m Octavia, I don’t play video games. Or games in general, really.”

“I see. Well, for our third and final segment, it’s time for cricket news.”

“There were no games of cricket in Equestria in the past week.”

“That’s all for this installment of Tea Time.”

* Not to be confused with porn site TeatRaiders.com

Chapter 11E: A Non-OC You Have Heard of and Who Has Said Something Before Dies

What do Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Twist, Granny Smith, Trixie, and Twilight all have in common?

“They’re all ponies?” Octavia said.

Yes, smartarse, they’re all ponies.

“They’re all female?” said Fluttershy.

Okay, look, what’s happening is they’re all going to go on an epic adventure chapter, and one of them will die. The one who will die is not predetermined and will be determined by their performance in the adventure. For example, if someone gets eaten during the adventure, then it’s them.

“Where are we adventuring to and for what reason?” Twilight said.

Someone was polishing the Holy MacGuffin and inspecting it to make sure it was the real one and not a fake one switched with it, and he accidentally broke it into 32 pieces. Thirty-one of the pieces were recovered, but his secretly evil assistant swiped one and hid it beyond a land featuring unreasonably long jumps, dragons, and other dangerous stuff. You six have to return it to the Shrine.

“That story sounds like it would’ve made a good chapter,” Twilight said.

Well, you’re wrong. Now that all of you have heard this via Twitter, congregate at Far From Sugarcube Corner and you’ll be given your first clue.

And so they all arrived without drama. A black-furred stallion wearing sunglasses and a black hoodie hooved Twilight a black envelope. She opened it, just as the bookies thought she would, and read the white-on-black text:

“Go to the tourist entrance of Mount Pyramid and talk to the white stallion. Not the white mare, the white stallion. The mare will attempt to murder you with a circular saw should you talk to her.”

And so they took the arduous half-marathon, during which nothing happened, to the base of Mount Pyramid, which featured a gate (currently open), a corresponding fence, some tourists, a staff for the tourists to give the entrance fee to, and two white ponies standing around doing nothing. The group huddled.

“Who should talk to him?” Twilight said.

“You’ve been the one doing things,” Trixie said.

And so Twilight went up to the white stallion. He seemed to ignore or not notice her, despite looking directly at her face.

“Um, hi,” Twilight said, “Do you have the second clue?”

The pony who will only ever be referred to as the white stallion reached into a parallel universe, took out an envelope, and hooved it to Twilight.

“Thanks,” Twilight said, since you thank more often when you’re nervous. It’s true. She headed back to the group.

“What does it say?” said the other five simultaneously.

“I haven’t opened it yet,” Twilight said, before opening it. “Climb to the specially marked camp—well, that’s what they call it, but it’s a gift shop—250 metres up Mount Cone.”

“We’ve already walked enough today,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Well, the nearest hotel must be in Heimville City,” Twilight said, “And we’ll probably get stabbed if we go anywhere near there. Besides, we don’t have any method of payment, and—”

“Look,” camerapony #3 said, “You can’t go back. You have do this or you all die.”

“I guess doing this would be better,” Twilight said.

“Can you teleport us there?” Twist said so she had a line.

“No.”

They walked and talked, without the talking.

“Is that a road?” Trixie said after they came to the crest of a minor hill. “I think there’s a road on Mount Cone there.”

Twilight examined Mount Cone for a minute. “Yeah, I think I see it.”

“It doesn’t look steep or anything, at least from here,” Trixie said, “So this’ll be easy.”

“Yeah.”

And so they made it to the tourist entrance of Mount Cone.

“What has it been?” Twilight said. “I don’t know how long it’s been, but I’m starting to agree with Diamond Tiara’s bitching.”

“Bitching? I mentioned it once.”

“Yeah, but it was about physical work. Maybe it’s only whinging, I don’t know.”

“Should we take a rest?” Trixie said. “As far as I know, there’s no time limit on this.”

“But where will we be by dark? We can’t go backwards.”

“Maybe we can sleep at the specially marked camp.”

“I guess. It’s only 4½ PM, but who knows where we’ll be at nightfall.”

“Exactly.”

“Twilight, our de facto leader,” Diamond Tiara said.

“What?”

“Can anypony besides you and Trixie talk?”

“No. Let the adults... well, not adults, but adolescents handle this. How old are you, Trixie?”

“Same as everypony.”

“See?”

“But what about Granny Smith?”

“Well, she’s... um... okay, she can be a part of the decision-making if she wants to.”

And so they walked up a mountain road.

“Well, this must be it,” Twilight said. But before we go on, let me describe the location. lol jk.

“Are you sure the only building on this entire mountain, which is called ‘Mount Cone Gift Shop’ and has a piece of paper taped on the window reading ‘specially marked camp’, is really the one we’re looking for?” Trixie said.

“I don’t need your sarcasm.”

They entered the building.

“Whom should we talk to?” Twilight said.

“I don’t know,” Trixie said, “You’re supposed to have the ideas.”

“I guess we could try the cashier-type pony there.”

“‘Type pony’? What makes them different from a normal cashier?”

“I don’t know.”

Twilight went to the cashier, entering the rope-delineated queue area from the wrong direction.

“Whaaaaalecawm to the Mount Cone Gift Shop!” said the nameless cashier.

“Hey, um... do you have a clue for us?”

The nameless cashier hooved Twilight an envelope the size of an envelope and she returned to the group.

“What does it say?” everyone said.

“I haven’t opened it yet.”

“We don’t have to be here for you to open it,” Trixie said.

“Suuuuure you don’t.” Twilight opened it. “Travel to Far From Sugarcube Corner to receive your final clue.”

“Seriously?” everyone said.

“Eeyup,” Twilight said in a terrible impression of Big Mac.

And so they travelled back then all simultaneously fell asleep, or possibly fainted, from exhaustion. The next morning, they all woke up at exactly the same time.

“So...” Twilight said to the black pony from before, who had been standing there throughout the night, “What’s next?”

“You must ascend to the summit of Mount Pyramid,” he said. “There you will find the Holy MacGuffin.”

“Can we do it tomorrow?”

“There’s no rule against it.”

“Cool.”

THE NEXT DAY!

“Are we ready?” Twilight said.

“I’m ready,” Trixie said.

“The Cocleares Argentorum are ready,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Eeyup,” Granny Smith said in a decent but still obvious Big Mac impression.

“Then let’s go,” Twilight said.

FOUR HOURS LATER!

“Mount Pyramid looks a lot tougher than Mount Cone,” Trixie said. “Also, I have a question.”

“Yeah?”

“Not for you, Apple Bloom, for Twilight.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you ever going to admit you like me pointing out when you say stupid things?”

“It’s annoying.”

“Mm-hmm. Hey, I’m going to teleport to the summit and get the piece and come back.”

“If you screw up either of those by a metre, you’ll die.”

“You don’t care.”

“Do you have nothing to live for?”

“Most ponies in the world would love it if I died, including you.”

“I want you to live.”

She fixated herself on the summit for a few seconds, teleported away, missed by a bit, and fell several metres to the ground. She tumbled down into a tree, her hat coming loose and tumbling down much further. She had tons of those, it didn’t matter, but she didn’t have tons of legs.

“Crap... yeah, that’s definitely broken.”

She didn’t mention the excruciating broken bone-level pain, the multiple bleeding wounds, and the missing distal half of her tail. The sadness of having a broken leg and a few possibly infected wounds was partially but by no means totally cancelled out by the sight of the shiny silver wedge stuck into the ground just a few steps above where she landed. She teleported to it and took it out with her telekinesis, and didn’t tumble at all. She was still lying down.

“Well, there’s no way I’m getting back....”

“Trixie?”

“Huh?” She rolled over. “Twilight?”

“You didn’t have to do this.”

“Somepony had to, we never could’ve climbed this. Which makes me think, why didn’t you do it? You’re better.”

“Because I’m of the opinion that we could’ve climbed it. Is your leg okay?”

“Can you take us back?”

“I’m pretty sure.”

She took them a few metres above back. She was fine, but Trixie got another broken leg.

“Fuck...” Trixie said.

“Sorry....”

“Just take us to the Shrine so they can decide I screwed up the most and kill me.”

“My magic is stronger than theirs and I won’t let them.”

And so they all went to the Shrine of the Holy MacGuffin.

“Oh, cool!” said newly appointed Guardian of the Most Divine and Coruscating MacGuffin earthhoof. “You got the piece!”

“Yep,” Twilight said.

earthhoof took the piece from Trixie. “Now to perform the reassembly spell.” He did something that was like welding but more magical to the two parts of the MacGuffin and made them one once again.

“Which one of us dies?” Twilight said.

“Well, none of you got eaten or shot with a crossbow bolt, and those are the only criteria in the rules. So with no way to decide, you all get to live!”

“Yaaaaay!” they all said.

“You know what this calls for?” Twilight said.

“A continuation of our normal lives?” Diamond Tiara said.

“That’s right!”

Chapter 120: Muffins

Rainbow Dash was doing some recreational flying. Not important. What is important is this on the figurative doorstep of Sugarcube Corner:

“Rainbow!” Pinkie Pie yelled through some clouds. “Rainbow Daaash!”

Rainbow punched through a cloud and came down to Pinkie Pie. “What is it?”

“I need you to taste test some American muffins for me!”

“What’s America?”

“I dunno! But are you interested?”

“Okay, straight up: is this a Cupcakes fic?”

“No. Come on, the muffins are waiting for you! Not like they’re literally sentient or anything, that would be weird, but you know. Also, those would have to be some pretty depressed muffins.”

“I’m nervous.”

“But you’re so good at it! I mean, if you really don’t wanna, I’ll find somepony else. Hey, you know who’d be really good is Appleja—”

“No! If it’s AJ or me, then take me!”

“Awwww,” the cameraponies said.

“Great! Then let’s go!”

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow walked into the Sugarcube Corner kitchen. There was a plate with π^3 precariously piled American muffins on it.

“Pinkie?” Rainbow said.

“Yeah?”

“Why is there .6% of a muffin there?”

“Oh. It was supposed to be 2^5 muffins, but I got hungry.”

“Nice.”

“Anyway, here.” Pinkie hooved Rainbow a crunchberry muffin. “Try this.”

Rainbow looked at the muffin with great uncertainty. “I don’t know....”

“Come on. You what you call ponies who let some work of fiction decide everything they can or can’t do are called? Religious. Just eat the muffin.”

“Okay....” Rainbow took a bite of the muffin.

“So? What do you think?”

“It tastes like a Müfintek muffin, but with less fat and more fruit and homemadeness.”

“Just what I wanted! You sure you don’t need to take a couple more bites?”

“Yep, that’s how every bite of it’ll taste. So what’s next?”

“That’s it!”

“What?”

“You can go now. Keep flying or whatever.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep!”

“Okay... then... bye.”

“Bye!”

Rainbow slowly walked backwards out of Sugarcube Corner.

“Wow,” Rainbow said to herself, and also the millions of ponies watching. “Okay. Um... I guess I’ll keep flying, then. If I start to feel funny, I’ll just land. Right? Right! ♪It’s the end of the world as we know it!♪” She paused for a second. “That came out of nowhere... wait a second, if I have a problem, I should go to Zecora!”

She flew to Zecora. Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Zecora said.

“It’s Rainbow.”

“Rainbow who?”

Rainbow sighed. “Rainbow Dash. Racing flyer and saviour of the world.”

Zecora opened the door. Trixie was on the floor in an induced coma. “What happened?”

“I took a bite of a muffin.”

“And?”

“And it was from Sugarcube Corner.”

“So?”

“I was taste testing it.”

“Oh. How long has it been?”

“I don’t know, about π minutes.”

“Then it wasn’t spiked.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not leaving until you make a rhyme.”

“If you don’t leave now, I’ll force-feed you a potion and you’ll die.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“Indeed you’re right, I really wouldn’t, because morally I really shouldn’t.”

“That was kinda crappy.”

“You told me to make a rhyme so you would go, not to put on a fucking show.”

“Is swearing really in your character?”

“Is it really in Apple Bloom’s character?”

“Good point. I guess I’ll go, then.”

She left without even saying goodbye.

Chapter 121: “My throat hurts.” –Ashleigh Ball

Applejack looked at her wrist, such as it was.

“Where is Rainbow?” she said. “Ah guess it’s only been four minutes.”

“Do we really need another Appledash chapter?” Twilight said.

“Yes,” Spike said.

“But the Twidash chapters are so much better!”

“You’re biased.”

“No, I’m not. That’s like saying teachers are biased when they say they’re underpaid.”

“No, it’s not. It’s like saying Twilight’s biased when she says there should be more Twidash chapters.”

“But it would mean more appearances for you.”

“Twilight, you know having more Appledash chapters is The Right Thing.”

“I know, but—”

There was an abrupt cut to Rainbow knocking on the Sweet Apple Acres barnhouse door. Apple Bloom opened the door with pizzzazzzz.

“I don’t need a conversation,” Rainbow said. She forced her way in.

“AJ’s where she usually is.”

Rainbow went upsteps and knocked on Applejack’s door, in both senses of the term.

“Hey, Rainbow,” Applejack said. She pulled her inside and closed and locked the door and brief kissing ensued.

“What were you doing before I got here?”

“Writin’ a fanfic.”

“About?”

“You comin’ to mah house and interruptin’ me writin’ a fanfic to have sex.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“You wrote a fanfic about what happens to you every other day anyway?”

“Ah’m addicted to you, all raht? That not a good thing?”

“You know, you have those siblings if you ever feel lonely.”

“Ah should never feel lonely in the first place. You’re all strong an’ tough and other similar adjectives, but Ah’m antonyms ah said adjectives lahke weak an’ stuff.”

“Just because you can feel lonely doesn’t make you weak or anything.”

“Ah guess...” Applejack jumped onto the bed. “C’mon.”

“You seriously need a bigger bed.”

“Well, it’s better than Twahlaht where you just use the floor half the time.”

“Yeah, but that’s different.”

“Fine, let’s just use the floor today.”

“But it’s different.”

Applejack got up and stared at her so closely that it was somehow violating personal space despite their willingness to regularly rape each other.

“You know,” Rainbow said, “It’s gonna take a lot more than lookin’ at ‘er funny to scare Rainbow Dash.”

“We’re usin’ the floor.”

“Still not scared.”

They used the floor and, I don’t know, licked each other for an hour. Not like licked random parts of each other, but you know.

“Humourous dialogue,” Rainbow said.

“Soppy dialogue.”

“Soppy dialogue.”

“Lahne nopony would ever say in real lahfe, with mention of such a quality.”

“Maybe not on Earth, but this is a different culture.”

“Is that gonna be our excuse for everythin’ from now on?”

“I dunno, I can’t just decide that by myself. I’m bored, can we lick each other more?”

“It’s been... well, okay, yeah.”

Are they—you can’t have hilarious dialogue when you do that. Fine, don’t get paid.

Chapter 122: The Minor Mane Six in Base-Digging Bind!

STARRING

PINKIE “THE ROCK” PIE

FLUTTERSHY

APPLE BLOOM APPLE

SCOOTALOO

BUTTERSCOTCH WELSHTAPE

and CAMERAPONY #3

“Work!” Pinkie said. She lashed Apple Bloom, hoping pain compliance would work on her. Wait, that sounds like something else I’m writing. No, that’s where Diamond lashed Apple Bloom, this is the right thing.

“I’m just a li’l’ filly, Ah can’t dig forever.”

“Scootaloo’s doing just fine.”

“That’s different for a reason Ah suspiciously can’t articulate.”

“Work!” She lashed her again.

“Ah thought Mahnor Mane Six was supposed ta be all upbeat an’ stuff.”

“Work!”

“I wanted to be paired with Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo said.

“It’s okay for a reason I can’t think of,” Fluttershy said.

“Big Mac ‘n’ stuff,” Butterscotch said.

“Shut up,” camerapony #3 said.

“Big Mac ‘n’ stuff.”

“Increase your cessancy.”

Butterscotch ate a granola bar in two bites. Said granola bar was of the Grayesla brand, who were currently doing a sponsorship deal with Big Mac.

“I should’ve brought food,” camerapony #3 said.

Meanwhile, back on the surface, Spike claw-macheted his way through some plants that weren’t there last episode to find the Minor Mane Six clearing, featuring a suspicious hole and piles of earth.

“This looks like the place,” Spike said to himself, “If that purposeless base-esque hole in the ground is anything to go by.”

Spike went down to investigate to see the five servants (or slaves depending upon Pinkie’s mood) digging in a row. And also Pinkie. They had cleared out an area exactly as large as the room you’re in. None of the servants or Pinkie seemed to notice him.

“Uh...” Spike said, “Hi.”

Everyone turned around, but didn’t see him because he was invisible. No, they saw him.

“What may bring you to this place?!” Pinkie said.

“I think I deserve to be here way more than camerapony #3 or Butterscotch.”

“Well, you’re wrong. But now that you know about this place, we’ll have to kill you.”

“But the first episode got aired, everypony knows—”

“Get him, Fluttershy!”

Spike ran out of the hole.

“Why aren’t you getting him?”

“I’m not getting him for you.”

“Fine! Then you’re expelled from the Minor Mane Six!”

“Whom are you getting to replace me?”

“Uh... I dunno, who do you ponies want?”

“Ah want Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said.

“Sweetie Belle’s good with me,” Scootaloo said.

“I want Big Mac,” Butterscotch said in both senses of the word.

“We should have camerapony #4,” camerapony #3 said.

“Then we’ll have Sweetie Belle. You can go now, Fluttershy. You’re expelled.”

Fluttershy left the pathetically small hole and spotted a leisurely walking through the forest Spike. She went up to him.

“Ughaweh!” Spike said. “Don’t take me! I won’t tell anypony!”

“I’m not here to capture you,” Fluttershy said. “Pinkie Pie kicked me out of the club and now I’m not allowed in the hole which is taking a while since they’re not dwarves, but anyway, I thought you might like me to walk you back or something.”

“I came here myself, and if I didn’t, I’d be with Twilight, who would walk me back. Also, that’s really fucking condescending. I don’t need your safety or whatever you’re offering. You can go.”

“Okay.”

How will Sweetie Belle perform during her first day in the group? Will Pinkie Pie ever be removed from power? Find out next time on Minor Mane Six!

Chapter 123: Realistic Dialogue

“Why are you standing in front of the, um, what’s it called, the door?” Big Mac said to Applejack, who was standing in front of the door of the Sweet Apple Acres house.

“‘Cause, Ah’m, uh, expectin’, you know, what’s her name, Rainbow, Rainbow Dash to be here, um, in a few minutes.”

“Um, okay.”

Apple Bloom walked into the scene.

“Hey, um, AJ?” Apple Bloom said.

“What?” Applejack said.

“Well, can you, you know, help me? You see, Cheerilee, you know, her, she, like, well, there was this big Greek letter on the chalkboard an’ then she started, you know, lahke, teachin’ us about logarithms, but we’re obviously, you know, not old enough for that.”

“They’re just, um, reversed, like, reversed exponents. Exponents, but reversed.”

“Ah don’t understand....”

“Like, they’re just the inverse of, um, you know, exponents.”

“Ah don’t understand....”

“Like, inverse, inverse operation... ask Big Mac, Ah’m tryin’ ta concentrate.”

“‘Kay, um, sure....”

Apple Bloom turned to Big Mac.

“If x^y = z, then, um, logx(z) = y,” Big Mac said.

“What?”

“Why were they, um, teaching you the, um, logarithms anyway?”

“Ah dunno, lahke, that’s basically they decahded since maybe they thought chronologically we were, you know, close ta bein’ old enough, but that’s not how it works.”

Knock-knock!

“Uh, who is it?” Applejack said.

“It’s, y’know, me,” Rainbow fucked up her grammar.

“Me who?”

“Er, Rainbow. Your girlfriend.”

“Oh.” Applejack opened the door. “Um, hi, Rainbow.”

“Hey, AJ. You know, since I was done with stuff and stuff, I thought, you know, since I was horny and all, I would see if you were busy or whatever, you know?”

“Yeah, um, sure, ah course.”

“Unless you had, you know, somethin’ to do, but—”

“No, no, c’mon.”

And so they went upstairs and subsequently to Applejack’s room.

“So what’re we, you know, doin’?” Rainbow said.

“lol 69.”

“Um, okay, yeah, sure, sounds good.”

Applejack laid down on the bed and Rainbow got on top of her. Boring sexual things ensued, then an unnecessarily detailed description of their orgasms ensued, which I guess could go under boring sexual things, but anyway, it was really funny and also hot because Applejack got Rainbow’s cum all over her face. It was almost as funny and hot as the time Rarity locked herself in that sauna. Rainbow got off the bed so she could look at Applejack better.

“You, um, good there?” Rainbow said. “It looks like you have my cum all over your face, and maybe a little got in your mane, maybe, yeah....”

“You wanna, um, lick it off?”

“Er, yeah, sure, I guess. I’ve never licked your head, though, that seems a little... strange....”

“Well, unless you just wanna, you know, have sex an’ stuff with me lahke this, basically this is, this is what we gotta, what we should do.”

“That actually sounds, like, kinda hot... what if you were completely covered, I think I might potentially actually really like that... stay there, I’m gonna bondage you.”

“But Ah don’t wanna be all, y’know, bondaged an’ stuff....”

“Well, too bad, it’s happenin’.”

“‘Kay, Ah guess if you really want....”

Rainbow got the rope of some kind and tied Applejack to the bed with hooves.

“So what do you, you know, plan on doin’ wit’ me?”

“I’m gonna, like, clop over you and sort of cum on you.”

“Well, you ain’t gonna, Ah guess, let me go and all or anythin’.”

And so Rainbow got in an uncomfortable position and started clopping over Applejack, in both senses of the word “over”. Applejack’s bed was, and still is, big enough for two ponies, in the same sense that a twin bed is “big enough” for two people. Anyway, transcriber #1 is getting off topic, Rainbow came onto Applejack’s chest and it was hot and stuff. She got in a different uncomfortable position and spread the cum, with her hooves, somewhat evenly onto Applejack’s body. Rainbow got off the bed and put her cum-covered hoof on her chin.

“Yeah,” Rainbow said, “We definitely need more.”

“This is gonna be fun ta clean up.”

“Hey, don’t be like that.”

“What’s the bondage really... necessary for anyway?”

“‘Cause, you know, otherwise you wouldn’t... um, you wouldn’t try, er, you wouldn’t cooperate.”

“Don’tcha, you know, maybe got, like, you have a problem with rapin’ your girlfriend?”

“Well, um, you do it too. We have, like, an agreement about this.”

“Ah know.”

“So I’m wonderin’, should I, like, get you on, or put some on your back or maybe, you know, just have more on your front?”

“Ah don’t care.”

“I think I should get some on your back. I’ll undo the bondage but then, and you know, redo it with you facedown.”

“Whah do Ah feel like agreein’ to that?”

“Because you trust your wi’l’ Wainbow.”

“Ah don’t think ah you as mah ‘wi’l’ Wainbow’.”

“Yeah, I know, I was being... you know... mockular. Mocking you or something like that.”

“Anyway, you can do that whole thing.”

“‘Kay.”

Rainbow undid the bondage, Applejack flipped herself over, and Rainbow redid the bondage. The paragraph with the clopping over happened again.

“Okay,” Rainbow said, “I think we’re ready.”

“Fahnally....”

Rainbow undid the bondage and Applejack rolled over, rolling too far and off the bed.

“Ow...” Applejack said.

“Come on, that was like 600 million nanometres. Now get back on the thing.”

Applejack went back onto the bed, Rainbow got on the bed, and really it was all just normal except for Applejack being kinda sticky and smelling cummy. The spreading idea was not a very good one.

“So, um, when should the chapter end?” Rainbow said directly in place of an orgasm scream.

“Ah dunno, it’s not our decision,” Applejack said directly in place of an orgasm scream.

“Shouldn’t it be, like, now?” transcriber #1 said to camerapony #1. “I mean, they had the sex, so, you know, unless you like, you know....”

“I guess, but it just seems like... what’s that film... like The Black Hole where it suddenly stops instead of, you know, ends.”

“Maybe, but, um, what else is there?”

“I guess....”

Chapter 124: Ponywang

Derpy Hooves knocked on the Octavia house door. After π10 seconds of waiting, nobody answered, and so she knocked on the door more loudly. After more waiting, the door was answered by Lyra.

“Hello, Derpy Hooves,” Lyra said. Derpy mouthed her an epistle. “Thanks.”

“Crap,” Lyra said the instant she looked at the envelope. “Programme Productions. Octavia!”

Octavia came into the combination entry/living room.

“What’s so important that you have to swear then interrupt my—”

“We got an epistle from Programme Productions.”

“Oh.”

Lyra opened the envelope and took out the folded paper contained within.

Dear Lyra Heartstrings and Octavia ,

We’ve been giving you chapters just because we’ve needed to, and you know how we feel about that. Due to Pinkie Pie’s constant showing up in random chapters with good performances, she will be replacing one of you for the foreseeable future. Which one of you will be decided by a game show at room i of the same studios in which Mane Character For a Foreseeable Future is held.

Copyright 2012,

Socolata.

“One of us?” Octavia said.

“That’s right, Octavia! Good job!”

“So should we get going, then?”

“No, I’m sure they meant for us to be there next Sunday.”

“Lyra.”

“Well, stop saying obvious things.”

Lyra and Octavia went to the studio located somewhere in Chill Edge.

“Hello,” Pinkie Pie said, “And welcome to Ponywang, the quiz show about which that simply everypony is talking! Today we have Lyra, who’s from Ponyville, and Octavia, who by contrast is from Ponyville. Octavia, anything interesting happening with you?”

“Yes.”

“Lyra?”

“No.”

“Let’s play Ponywang! Octavia, you go first.”

“Sweetie Belle.”

“Scootaloo.”

“Big Mac.”

“Snips.”

“Granny Smith.”

“That’s Ponywang!” Pinkie said. “Lyra?”

“Blueblood.”

“Trixie.”

“Rarity.”

“Fluttershy.”

“That’s Ponywang! Let’s go to the pony board. Octavia?”

“I’ll take Silver Spoon and... Butterscotch.”

“That’s Ponywang! Lyra?”

“Camerapony #4, Cacao Butter, and Golden Harvest.”

“That’s Ponywang! Octavia?”

“Berry Punch and Surprise.”

“Oh, that is not Ponywang. Lyra?”

“Berry Punch and Blinkie Pie.”

“That’s Ponywang! Let’s roll out the pony dolls.”

A diamond mesh cart filled with life-size plush dolls of ponies, like those you would win at a carnival, was rolled out in front of the contestant podiums.

“Octavia, you play first.”

“Apple Boom.”

“That’s Ponywang! Take a pony.”

Octavia took an Apple Bloom out of the cart.

“Snails,” Lyra said.

“That’s Ponywang! Take a pony.”

Lyra took a Greysdóttir.

“Owlicious,” Octavia said.

“That’s Ponywang! Take a pony.”

Octavia took out a Spike.

“I’m sorry, Octavia, Spike is not a type of pie, so that’s triple pony points for Lyra. As we head into the final round, Octavia is leading with six, whilst Lyra is trailing with six. It’s time for Wangpony, so let’s rotate the board!”

The board was rotated.

“Lyra, you start.”

“Gummy.”

“Bleachy.”

“Bob?”

“...Rob.”

“Bon Bon.”

“Apple Fritter.”

“That’s Wangpony! Lyra, you’ve been Wangponied. Octavia, you are today’s Ponywang. Until next time,”

“Good Ponywang!” said Pinkie, Octavia, and Lyra.

Chapter 125: Smarticle Stuffs with Twilight and Octavia

“So, Octavia,” Twilight said in the same studio as Tea Time, “How do you feel about replacing Rarity?”

“Replacing Rarity?”

“Yes. In a 3–2 vote, we decided to replace Rarity with you in the mane six.”

“I don’t know if I would fit in....”

“Of course you will! You’ll get along better than Rarity, anyway.”

“I think she’s a good pony. A lot of you seem to not like her for various reasons, but I find her company quite enjoyable.”

“Yes, I know you like Rarity. All the fancy or rich ponies seem to like her.”

“I think you just mean fancy ponies. There are rich ponies who aren’t that formal in their behaviour.”

“Like?”

“Like ponies who win the lottery.”

“And that’s it?”

“And some but not all successful athletes.”

“And that’s it?”

“And ponies who get rich from making a viral video game.”

“I see. Anyway, you’re replacing Rarity, looking forward to that. Now, the next story on the agenda is whether it’s better to be concise when you’re talking or to take really long to sound fancier.”

“Obviously, I tend to do the latter one. You seem to generally lean towards the former slightly.”

“I agree. So what’s your opinion on Perseus Bites?”

“Oh, they’re the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

“They’re even better than—I was about to say something not foal-safe. But yes, I agree, they are quite good.”

Have you tried new Perseus Bites? Here’s a short history of them. Once upon a time, in 1991 to be more specific, Palindrome Corporation made Palindrome Toroids, which consisted of oats, sugar, sea salt, and vitamin E (for freshness). In 2002, the sea salt in the recipe was replaced with synthetic salt, then the pure sugar was replaced by sorghum syrup the following year to seem fancy. In 2006 (or possibly 2008, there’s a smudge on the paper), the vitamin E was removed to cut the costs raised by the previous modification. In 2008 (or possibly 2009), they were reshaped from toroids to rectangles and renamed Palindrome Bites to prevent any future need for shape-based refaustening. Then finally, on February 21st of this year, which by the way is 2012 in case you’ve unearthed this from a time capsule or something, the oats were replaced with wheat and the cereal renamed to Perseus Bites as part of a deal with another company (the name part, not the ingredients), and that’s how we got here today. Buy Perseus Bites: they may have changed over the years, but at their core, they’re still the same classic cereal from 1991.

“Welcome back to Smarticle Stuffs,” Twilight said. “So, Octavia. Lyra, like a normal pony, would drop to her... knees...? She would drop to the floor, grab your hoof, and would with panicked haste give reasons about why you should stay with her and cry a little.”

“Why would she tell me to cry?”

“See that, fillies and colts? I missed a comma. What I meant was ‘stay with her, and cry a little’.”

“Anyway, what’s your point?”

“My point, Octavia No Family Name, is that you would not get down and beg if Lyra threatened to dump you.”

“So? Doesn’t that make me strong?”

“It’s not like the thing that I have with Rainbow where she’s clearly better than me in terms of the relationship. It’s because you don’t care about her.”

“Rainbow Dash?”

“Lyra!”

“Oh. In that case, how could you say that? I would give my life for Lyra. I don’t know what circumstances that would entail; we don’t go on adventures or anything similar, but if such a situation did arise where it would be one of us, I would pick myself.”

“Did you just use a semicolon in speech?”

“I don’t know how you would detect a semicolon in speech, but you shouldn’t mind semicolon usage anyway, should you?”

“Of course not. It’s just that whenever something remotely rare happens, I feel like I have to mention it.”

“I see.”

“That expression is offensive to blind ponies.”

Silence.

“You want to respond to what I said?” Twilight said.

“You could have said something that wasn’t as flow-breaking.”

“You’re just bad at conversing.”

“We’re getting off topic. You were insulting me for not caring about Lyra, but I do.”

“But do you care about her enough to get down and abase yourself until she realises how you deserve another chance?”

“Why would she be leaving me?”

“It’s a hypothetical situation.”

“Why would pointing out my flaws make me look better?”

Twilight sighed. “You don’t get love, do you?”

“Maybe I don’t get your relationship, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get love in general.”

“Maybe we should start a commercial before this gets ugly.”

“Why would something between Twilight and Octavia get ugly?”

“I don’t know, but we need another commercial.”

You Have (5) New Messages

[Download]         [Play Now]

“And now,” Twilight said, “For some maths jokes. Octavia, your first question: for one bit, pie is what number, rounding to the nearest hundredth?”

“8.54.”

“Correct. For ten bits, what’s Brominecraft’s favourite number?”

“35.”

“Correct. For twenty-five bits, clock dice wood paint?”

“True for non-zero values.”

“Correct. For fifty bits, what do foals take apart to show that they love maths?”

“Radios.”

“Correct! Now the final question. For one hundred bits, why did my down speed suddenly go down to 32 KB/s?”

“Because you touch yourself at night.”

“I’m sorry, the correct answer is because life’s a bitch even though I was born in a first world country and live a happy middle-class life with an awesome girlfriend and dozens of awesome platonic friends.”

“Very well, now it’s your turn. Why did... wait, this is the same card.” Octavia took a different card. “For one bit, pinecones and flowers.”

“Fibonacci numbers.”

“Correct. For ten bits, it’s twice the quantity of the food whose volume calculations involve itself.”

“Tau.”

“Correct. For twenty-five bits, the Pythagorean theorem and integers.”

“The right triangle with sides of 3, 4, and 5.”

“Correct. For fifty bits, I zoomed in but I don’t know how much I zoomed in and the mouse just broke and I’m lost in this place with no way of knowing where I am.”

“Fractals.”

“Correct. For one hundred bits, holy Faust it’s just floating there that’s really creepy.”

“...Aerogel?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, the answer is a magnet above a superconductor. So nopony won the big prize this week, but see you next time on...”

“MA—SMARTICLE STUFFS!”

Chapter 126: Pranking

“Okay, team,” Pinkie Pie said to her team. “Rainbow, AJ, you have an Appledash chapter whilst Zecora and I do something.”

“I? Careful grammatical correctness seems a bit unPinkielike of you,” Zecora said.

“DISPERSE!”

No one dispersed.

“Disperse,” Pinkie said at Rainbow Dash and Applejack.

“You ain’t dispersin’,” Applejack said.

“That’s different. Now if you don’t mind, and I’m sure you don’t, we’re gonna prank a certain pony we aren’t too fond of....”

“Rarity?” Applejack said.

“Eeyup,” Pinkie said in a terrible Big Mac impression.

“‘Kay, we’ll be back here in six jardas.”

“All right, if that’s how it’s gonna be, then we’ll be back here in seven jardas.”

“Pinkie Pie?” Zecora said.

“What?”

“Should we just go?”

“Sounds like love to me,” Rainbow said.

“STFU,” Zecora said.

“Fine.”

“Zecora?” Pinkie said whilst in the process of walking with Zecora to Rarity’s house.

“What?”

“I have a sudden craving and I want to infect you with it.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, ask Twilight if you need to know about the science of cravings for some reason.”

“That’s not the thing I wish to know. Why would you infect me so?”

“So?”

“It’s not easy writing rhymes. I do much better writing limes.”

“Come on, you’re good at rhyming!”

“I know I’m good, but it’s still tough, always coming up with stuff.”

“You would never put a break in your speech there if you weren’t going for some sort of rhythm.”

“I’d like to... no. Though that criticism does apply, I won’t get mad and be like ‘you try’.”

“What’s the problem anyway? Not enough rhymes in English? Getting your point across with only words that work with each other?”

“The problem I face is rarely to limn it; it’s working under a strict time limit. If I had unlimited time, I could do it nearly every time.”

“Generic sympathy.”

“Generic thanking.”

“So you’re not the type to be like ‘well you try, then’?”

“It’s like... yelling at a can opener... when you try to use it as a sword. You haven’t spent your entire life training to rhyme every word. I know those are two different things, but ponies complain when you repeat yourself like that.”

“That’s racist.”

“What?”

“Ponies.”

“I meant it in the everyone sense, not specifically ponies.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“is k broseph”

“No, Kay is Brosef.”

“Oh. Wait, huh?”

“I thought you were talking about the hot old soap opera The Lives of the Living.”

“I’ve never even heard of that.”

Awkward silence.

“I wanna have sex with you so badly,” Rainbow stated in a rather plain, unswearing fashion for such a statement, particularly one from her.

“I wanna have sex with you so badly,” Applejack said in the same way.

“So I guess we can just have sex?”

“Yeah.”

Rainbow used Tackle. After five seconds of escaping an unwanted kiss, Applejack said:

“Rainbow?”

“What?”

“Can we go insahde before we do this?”

“You’re right. Doing this right outside the barn is a bad idea, we should get further into the orchard part.”

“That’s not what Ah meant.”

“You’re the one with the outside fetish.”

“But Ah don’t feel like it.”

“That’s too bad.”

“Well, you cheated on me.”

“You cheated on me too.”

“You want me to decahde everythin’ and you know it.”

“Okay.”

And so they went inside and subsequently to Applejack’s room.

“And when the eggs hatch,” Pinkie said, “That’s when the marshmallows kick in!”

“Instead of referencing something to the letter,” Zecora said, “I think the spiking idea is better.”

“How?”

“Besides being original, it’ll work. I agree that your idea is more spectacular, but mine will work.”

“Fine... should we get ninja suits or something?”

“How would that help?”

“...Rhyme?”

“Well, what rhymes with help? Kelp?”

“I am not aware, laughing out loud.”

“What?”

“What?”

“Are you Rarity in a Pinkie costume or something?”

“No.”

“Are you sure you’re not on some sort of undercover operation where you yell at me when I spike Sweetie Belle’s glass of beverage?”

“That’s what you’re planning?” Pinkie tore off her costume, revealing that she had been wearing a costume of herself the entire chapter. “My word, which is fuck!”

“Pinkie.”

“Okay... but I’m glad I’m out of that costume, it was getting warm.”

And so they arrived at the Carousel Boutique/Rarity’s house. Rarity was there, which I guess is important.

“Hello, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity said, “Hello, Zecora... um, do you have a last name?”

“No,” Zecora said. “We travelled to this location for the purpose of consuming a meal and talking with you. Not meaning anypony is sharing a meal—”

“I understand what you’re trying to say. Just wait for about π minutes.”

Three minutes and ten seconds later...

“Okay,” Rarity said.

“What took you so long?!” Zecora said. “We demand to know!”

“I was under 107%, don’t get angry. I’ll teleport us to the kitchen.”

Rarity teleported them to the kitchen. This much was successful. However:

“Fudgelsticks!” Pinkie said, blood gushing from her... wrist? Well, the point is, that’s how much of her leg disappeared. “Get the first aid, Zecora!”

Zecora grabbed a brilliant beige berry from behind Rarity’s ear and hooved it to Pinkie. She (Pinkie) ate it without choking, and her lost body part was replaced along with its associated blood.

“I apologise for nearly killing you, Pinkie Pie,” Rarity said.

“Fuck you.”

She took a second to respond. “I suppose I should clean this up.”

Clock wipe!

“Well, that looks like the last of it,” Rarity said. “Now we just need to wait for Sweetie Belle....”

Sweetie Belle teleported into the room. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a perfect teleportation, and she lost her left forehoof.

“Holy fudgelsticks!” Sweetie Belle, on the floor due to sudden loss of a hoof messing up her balance, said. Zecora took a brilliant beige berry from behind Pinkie’s ear and threw it to Sweetie Belle. Sweetie Belle caught it in her mouth, which was pretty awesome. She was healed and stuff.

“By Wall,” Sweetie Belle wanted to say fuck but she was around Rarity, “That hurt.”

“I suppose I should clean this up,” Rarity said.

“Sorry,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Sorry?” said Rarity. “You lost a hoof, you hardly have something for which to be sorry. In fact, I just did the same thing to Pinkie Pie a minute ago.”

Sweetie Belle got up. “Really?”

“Really.”

Sweetie Belle looked towards Pinkie.

“It hurt,” Pinkie said.

“So what are you going to make?” Zecora, Pinkie, and Sweetie Belle all asked within four hundredths of a second.

“That was creepy,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Thanks, Corporal Clear,” Pinkie said.

“Well, you’re welcome.”

“Fine.”

“So what are you making?” Zecora said. “Or perhaps the question is what are you baking?”

“I’m making vegetable salad.”

“Sounds good.” “Cool.” “Okay.”

A montage of Rarity making salad played. Meanwhile, a pony with exactly the right combination of fetishes clopped to it. Rarity served the table.

“What is this?” Zecora said, holding up her fork, which had a piece of tomato on it.

“It’s tomato,” Rarity said in a slightly perplexed voice, which went well with her nice perplexion.

“I thought you said this was vegetable salad.”

“I don’t understand, tomato is a vegetable.”

“It’s a fruit.”

“Why is it a fruit?”

“What makes it a vegetable?”

“It’s not sweet enough to be a fruit.”

“So even though it’s an ovary with see—”

“Ponies!” Pinkie said, slamming on the table to get their attention. “Pony and zebra. Anyway, this clearly isn’t going anywhere. Nopony... or zebra... is actually going to change which side they’re on, so can we change the subject to something less emotionally charged?”

The silence that ensued for a few seconds, despite being a lack of something, felt like it physically existed.

“Okay,” Zecora said.

“Yes,” Rarity said.

Everyone quietly ate for a minute.

“I am feeling a need to drink,” Pinkie said in a slightly deep, very monotonous voice.

“Oh, of course, sorry,” Rarity said. “We have water, low-fat water, and hot ham water. What would you like?”

Zecora and Pinkie huddled, as much as you could at a table, for a few seconds.

“Water,” they said.

“Sweetie Belle?”

“Water.”

Rarity went off to unpaid labour.

“I want the low-fat water,” Zecora said, “But it’s so embarrassing to order it.”

“Not as embarrassing as high-fat water,” Pinkie said.

Rarity came back with the four cups of water. Sweetie Belle’s was shorter, forged of plastic, and had a lid with a bendy straw of frighteningly large diameter. Zecora and Pinkie huddled again.

“Sweetie Belle’s has a lid,” Zecora said. “What do we do?”

“Take it off for a moment?”

“But that’ll make noise.”

“We’ll just have to take that risk.”

They dehuddled.

“I need the bathroom,” Sweetie Belle said with a tone of pride and self-confidence. She left before anyone could say “okay” or similar.

“Hey, Zecora,” Pinkie said.

“Yes?”

“What do you think of the 1977 flag of Libya?”

Zecora nodded somewhat slowly. “It’s a work of art.”

Pinkie turned to Rarity. “Rarity?”

“Yes?”

“What’s that?” She pointed behind Rarity. Rarity turned around and Zecora took a vial of generic knockout powder out of Pinkie’s mane. Pinkie got up and walked to Rarity.

“No, see?” Pinkie put a leg on Rarity’s shoulder. “On the wall.”

“I don’t see anything.”

“Pinkie,” Zecora said.

“Never mind,” Pinkie said. “It’s not important.” They sat back down. “What is it, Zecora?”

“The powder is in the cups.”

“What?” Rarity said.

“It’s an in-joke,” Zecora said.

“Okay....”

Everyone ate for a minute, then Sweetie Belle came back.

“Hello.” “Hi!” “Hello.”

“Hello,” Sweetie Belle said. She got back in her chair. “Did you have any secret meetings whilst I was gone?”

“No,” Pinkie said. Rarity took a sip of her drink.

“You know, Sweetie Belle,” Zecora said, “You should really take a sip of your water.”

“Why?”

“Because if you don’t, you might be... thirsty... later. Actually, earlier.”

“But I’m not thirsty....”

“Well, you will be.”

“Zecora?” the Rock said.

“What?”

“Why are you being so weird about this?”

Zecora nodded somewhat slowly. “Never mind.”

Everyone was going to quietly eat for a minute, but Rarity fell off her chair due to unconsciousness.

“Uh...” Sweetie Belle got off her chair. “Rarity? Are you okay?”

“Plan B,” Zecora whispered to Pinkie. Pinkie took Sweetie Belle’s cup and went up to her.

“Hey, Sweetie Belle?” Pinkie said.

“Yes?”

“Zecora thinks she knows what happened. Here, drink this.”

“But I’m not thirsty....”

“Drink it!”

“No!”

Pinkie forced the straw into Sweetie Belle’s mouth and put a hoof on the back of her head for anti-escape purposes. It looked even more sexual than I’m making it sound. Sweetie Belle tried to teleport, but the whole relaxed concentration thing you need for teleportation was hard to do. Gravity made Sweetie Belle take the water into her mouth, not wanting her cheeks to explode made her swallow it, and it only took a few more seconds of Pinkie holding her until Sweetie Belle succumbed to the powder.

“How long do we have again?” Pinkie said.

“It should be an hour until it’s done. So we have plenty of time to run.”

“And when the eggs hatch,” Applejack said, “That’s when the marshmallows kick in!”

“That’s... depraved.”

“What do you mean? It’s totally praved. You don’t like it ‘til you trah it.”

“You haven’t even tried it.”

“Look, if you’re really against it, we can just have a normal naht.”

“Thank you.”

“Ah just thought, y’know, somethin’ different might be nahce.”

“We snog, we lick each other in strategic places, we tribadise, that’s all I need.”

“Fahne.”

Zecora and Pinkie Pie had made it all the way to directly outside the Carousel Boutique.

“Where should we go?” Zecora said. “Somewhere visible? Or should we lay low?”

“Can we stay at your place for a while? Though I know you don’t like having company for no reason.”

“But this is a good reason.”

She waited a couple seconds. “Rhyme?”

“Fuck you.”

“Hey, no need to get super hostile canopy carnage about it. Come on.”

“Okay,” Rainbow said, “I’ve never came so nonchalantly before. Maybe we do need something different.”

“So does that mean the marsh—”

“We’re not doing the marshmallow idea.”

“Fine. Ah might as well just talk to you about mah psychological problems.”

“You don’t have any psychological problems.”

“Ah know.”

Silence.

“Do you have any?” Applejack said.

“No.”

Silence.

“AJ?”

“Yeah?”

“Tie me up. Do anything you want to me.”

“Anythin’?”

“No marshmallows.”

“Fahne.”

Rarity woke up. “Huh?” she said. “What happened?”

She got up and noticed Sweetie Belle.

“Sweetie Belle! Sweetie Belle, speak to me! You’re clearly unconscious, but speak to me! Wait a minute, there’s a medical problem? To—fudgelsticks. I guess I should take her to the normal hospital.”

Rarity spent thirty seconds trying to levitate Sweetie Belle, only stopping when she woke up.

“Sweetie Belle! You’re alive!”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know, I fell unconscious, I think you saw, then I woke up just a minute ago and saw you.”

“What did they do?”

“Well, we’re not hurt as far as I know, and it doesn’t look like they stole anything....”

“Maybe they raped us.”

“What?”

“Maybe they raped us.”

“But... but I really hope they wouldn’t do that, so therefore it’s impossible!”

Sweetie Belle got up. “Maybe they didn’t do anything. It could just be a Pinkie prank since she’s been tending towards more... traumatising ones recently, but I don’t know why Zecora would want to cooperate.”

“But this isn’t like Pinkie Pie... um, tell me what happened after I lost consciousness.”

“Well, she urged me to drink my drink, but I still wouldn’t, so she forced the straw into my mouth and made me drink it. I don’t want to relive it in more detail than that.”

“Could you have taken the lid off?”

“I don’t know, maybe, maybe not, but I was panicking, all right? It was a very panic-worthy situation. With how much prejudice should we call the police?”

“Moderate to extreme.”

“High?”

“Perfect.”

“And that’s how I plan to take over the world,” Pinkie said whilst simultaneously walking. I know.

“I don’t like that plan.”

“No?”

“Not a fan.”

“Why not?”

“Because in the part where we’re walking across the bridge over the lava pit which, by the way, you would die of convection if you went near that, but anyway, it’s the part where you tell me ‘you’ve outlived your usefulness’ and push me off the bridge into the lava.”

“That doesn’t sound like me.”

“Well, that’s what you said.”

“Really? Wait, I remember, that was supposed to be when I was walking across the bridge with Rarity.”

“Oh. That makes a lot more sense.”

“I would never kill you. And question.”

“I’m not rhyming, but why you do care? Does me not rhyming lead to despair?”

“No....”

“And question.”

“What?”

“You don’t seem like the type to kill anypony for any reason ever.”

“I don’t actually wanna take over the world, that’s just what I would do if I did.”

“It wouldn’t work.”

“Has something not working ever stopped me from completing it before?”

“Yes. It’s stopped everypony who ever lived before.”

“Okay, maybe it’s not perfect,” Pinkie said before being so indecisive about which way to go around a tree that she walked into it. “Ow, my spleen!”

“You hit your forehead.”

“Yeah, and?”

“That’s not where your spleen is.”

“It’s an expression.”

“If it’s an expression, it must be pretty rare.”

Silence.

“I actually found a few rhymes,” Zecora said, “But they all involve weird word order times.”

Pinkie was looking at Zecora too focussedly and walked into another tree.

“Ow,” Pinkie said, “My spleen!”

“That’s not where your spleen is.”

“It’s an expression.”

“If it’s an expression, it must be pretty rare.”

Silence.

“I actually found a few rhymes,” Zecora said, “But they all involve weird word order times.”

Pinkie was looking at Zecora too focussedly and walked into another tree.

“Ow,” Pinkie said, “My spleen!”

“I don’t know what it is,” Rainbow said as Applejack used advanced cunnilinguistic techniques on her, not that she was educated enough to tell the difference, “Not that you usually know what it is anyway. But yeah, I just like choking on celery.”

Applejack stopped doing stuff so she could talk. “After Ah’m—”

“Less talking, more... you know... something sexual that rhymes with talking!”

“You’re the one in bondage, you don’t get to command stuff.”

“Fine.”

“After Ah’m done with this, you have to pleasure me for a while.”

Rainbow giggled. “Pleasure.”

“What?”

“I just can’t take you seriously when you use it like that.”

Knock-knock!

“Who is it?” Rarity said.

“Ponyville Police Authority Agency Force,” Enforcy said.

Rarity opened the door. “Hello.”

“We received a call from you that stuff happened and we should come over here.”

“Yes, well. What happened is, Zecora and Pinkie Pie came to our house, then they drugged us, then they left without having left evidence that they did anything.”

“We’ll see what we can find.”

After a transition which involved mentally dividing the screen into ten vertical stripes and having alternating stripes do an up-down or down-up wipe, the policeponies reached their conclusion.

“We checked the metrage from the cameraponies,” Enforcy said.

“And?” Rarity said like a boss, but one of those really easy first dungeon bosses.

“They knocked you out with generic knockout powder, then fled the scene without taking further action.”

“Oh. Well, knocking ponies out is still a crime, isn’t it?”

“Yes. They could face up to π years in prison for this.”

“I see.”

Awkward silence.

“Well, that would be extremely unfortunate for them,” Rarity said.

Awkward silence.

“And then, you won’t believe this,” Rainbow said, inadvertently suggesting that Applejack didn’t trust her, “AJ actually tried to use the word ‘pleasure’ in a completely serious context. And it wasn’t even in a set phrase like ‘business or oh Faust AJ yes no, not over there, yeah, there, keep fuuuuuuuuuuuck!”

Licking happened. It was arousing.

“<3,” Rainbow said.

“♥,” Applejack said.

“Showoff.”

“♥.”

“Stop making that—” Rainbow made a strange Arabic-like throat-clearing noise, “—I can’t even say it. That sound that’s like <3.”

“Y’mean ♥?”

“Yeah. Don’t do that.”

“Ah’m gonna get you facedown, sound good?”

“kk”

“Be at Existent Court by high noon tomorrow,” Enforcy said.

“Sorry if this is a silly question,” Rarity said in her typical style of forgetting to swear, “But when is high noon?”

“12:01.”

Rarity turned in the direction of Sweetie Belle. Which direction this was has unfortunately been lost to history. “Did you hear that, Sweetie Belle?”

“Hear what?” Sweetie Belle looked up from contemplating the infinite and noticed Enforcy. “The police are here? Look, officer, it’s true what I did to Apple Bloom, but—”

“We’re here because of the drink-spiking incident.”

“Oh.”

“We’ll need to ask both of you a few questions.”

There was an expanding from the centre of the screen diamond wipe to Enforcy and Rarity sitting at the same table from earlier.

“Tell me what happened in your own words,” Enforcy said.

“Well, Sweetie Belle and Zecora and Pinkie Pie and I were eating dinner, and everything was fine. I don’t think I ever... wait, I did look away from my drink, Pinkie told me there was something on the wall behind me. I looked for a minute but couldn’t find anything, and Pinkie was right there, I know because she was touching me, so Zecora must’ve put something in our drinks....”

“Wait a second,” Zecora said.

“What?”

“I could’ve just put it through the straw!”

“I guess so, but it turned out okay, right?”

“Yes, the whole thing turned out fine. I cannot come up with another line.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“i dunno lol”

“And when you woke up?” Enforcy said.

“I was on the floor and they were gone. They hadn’t done anything, as far as I could tell. Sweetie Belle was unconscious, but after a minute she woke up, and then I called the police. Enforcy came here and told me that I should tell him what happened in my own words, and so I did, and that’s how we got here.”

“Where did the bad ponies touch you?” Denuntia asked. Sweetie Belle was holding an anatomically correct filly unicorn doll.

“I was unconscious,” Sweetie Belle said, “And the cameras caught the entire thing. They left without doing anystuff. And one of them was a zebra.”

“You’re correct, but this is how it will appear on the test.”

“Here,” she said, touching the doll’s crotch.

“The Internet’s down so I made a poem,” Zecora said.

“To make up for your lack of rhyming before?”

“No, I just write poems when I’m bored.”

“I wanna hear it.”

“I don’t know, it’s sort of scatterbrained, just a bunch of random thoughts I had.”

“So?”

“If you insist, I’ll tell it, but it wanders all over the place. I was really struggling for rhymes, too. And it’s complete shit and I’ll kill myself after you hear it. Anyway, I call it ‘Pheau’m’.

Rumble is red,

Frenzy is blue,

Glucose is sweet,

And so are slices of blueberry pie.

A lot of poems get altered for length;

This often removes their emotional strength.

So as much as I like the concept of love,

Valentine’s Day is a curse from above.

It encourages ponies to be very impulsive,

Which is the main reason I find it so repulsive.

But that’s just one thing, it goes deeper than that.

And I’m not referring to that time with the cat.”

“Sorry to stop you for a moment, but what are you talking about?”

“It’s an in-joke, just a thing that happened in my uni years.”

“‘Uni years’?”

“We’re not all teenagers, you know.”

“Sorry. It’s just that you know the demographics of Ponyville are kinda... lopsided....”

“Yes, I’m aware, you... genial... mare. Anyway,

Which Valentine is the day even named after?

That sure makes the holiday quite a bit dafter.

It doesn’t seem like a very good thing

To not even know whom you’re celebrating!”

There was more, but then the focus cut back to Rarity’s house.

“In conclusion,” Rarity said, “There may have been better ways to approach this subject, but a less detailed version of what I already said.”

“I’ll inform the policemaster,” Enforcy said.

“And finally here,” Sweetie Belle said, touching the doll’s upper back.

“I’ll inform the policemaster,” Denuntia said.

There wasn’t any more, so the focus cut back to Zecora’s hut.

“And that is why I will always confess

To not lose to the mists who might take less.”

Pinkie was crying despite being Pinkie Pie.

“Are you okay?” Zecora said.

“Those last six lines were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard....”

“Were they? I suppose it could resonate with a pony who’s been through a bizarrely specific set of experiences, but....”

“Well, I ponially think I owe you something for that.”

“There’s no need to be so... anti... tough. Saving the world is more than enough.”

“Are you sure? That really meant a lot to me.”

“Yes, I’m sure. You saved the world.”

“Are you sure you want to decline?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t want to be reminded in two weeks?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

Rainbow was out of the bondage, now just eating Applejack out in a normal unadorned pure free of gimmicks fashion. Hey, Applejack, say something for the cameras. Wait, that doesn’t work.

“Hey, Applejack,” transcriber #2 said, “Say something for the cameras.”

“Somethin’ for the cameras.”

“Not say, something for the cameras; say something, for the cameras. Do you need me to make you a diagram?”

“Ah don’ even understand how ta use sentence diagrams.”

“Say something... for the cameras.”

“Well, not much is goin’ on, really....”

Rainbow stopped the fun clopfic times and looked up at Applejack. I mentioned Applejack was sitting, right? Well, she was.

“What?” Applejack said.

“I’m ‘not much goin’ on’?”

“Ah didn’t mean it like that.”

“You know what? Forget it. I mean fuck it, sorry. Anyway, if I mean that little to you, I’ll just leave.”

“Fine. If you’re gonna be all dramatic and ridiculous, then Ah want ya to leave.”

“Fine!” Rainbow left and slammed the door.

Silence.

“Ah never shoulda got mad at ‘er,” Applejack said.

The door was knocked.

“It’s unlocked.”

Rainbow opened the door. “I’m sorry.”

“Ah’m sorry. Ah shouldn’ta gotten mad.”

“You got mad? I was the one who said ‘I’m ‘not much goin’ on’?’. I was the one who said ‘you know what’, and so on. And yea, I was the one who stormed out angrily. You never did anything wrong, and I took what you said the wrong way and blamed you for my mistake.”

“Well... just ‘cause Ah was a dick.” She patted the bed and Rainbow got on.

“So wh—” Applejack didn’t finish her sentence before Rainbow resumed fun clopfic times. And the rest, as they say, was lemon-scented.

Chapter 127: Court Case

“Behind this desk,” said the judge, Judgaroni, in a stereotypical boxing/wrestling commentator voice, “Weighing in at a total of 500 miles, Pinkie Pie and Zecora!”

The crowd and jury cheered wildly.

“And behind this desk, weighing in at a total of 7.9 reviews, Rarity and Sweetie Belle!”

The crowd and jury cheered wildly.

“Let’s get ready to rumble!”

They cheered wildly.

“I call a surprise witness to the stand!” Pinkie said. “Camerapony #3!”

“But I’m filming.”

“To the stand!”

Camerapony #3 and Pinkie Pie went up to the stand.

“Is it true,” Pinkie said, “That Zecora and I performed injuration, theft, or any other crime on Rarity and/or Sweetie Belle?”

“Yes,” camerapony #3 said. “Spiking anything is illegal.”

“Perhaps. But is this a just law? What loss did we actually cause them? Is this the end of harmlessly knocking somepony out for a prank? The end of being able to pinch somepony without getting charged for assault? I ask you—the jury—is this the end... of fun?”

“How would you pinch with a h—”

“What kind of authoritarian world would we live in if you could do nothing to a pony without asking them first? Ponies being jailed for innocent forced kissing is just one thing we as a society would be allowing if you let them win. I rest my case.”

Pinkie walked back behind her desk.

“Your Honour,” Rarity said, “The defendants claim that they did nothing to us. Nothing illegal. This is wrong. As said by camerapony #3 earlier, spiking things is prohibited by Equestrian federal law. If you, the jury, have any sense of justice, you will jail these miscreants to the full π years permitted by law. I rest my case.”

“You’ve heard what the teams have to say,” Judgaroni said. “You should now converse in the private jury room location.”

“OBJECTION!” Zecora said, banging once on the desk.

“Your Honour,” Rarity said, “You cannot possibly allow this right as the jury are about to be sent into the private discussion room.”

“I’ll allow it.”

“Thank you, Your Honour,” Zecora said. “You see... it was for science.”

Everyone in the room except Zecora gasped.

“I’d like to raise an objection,” Rarity said. “What science was this for?”

“We were testing the effects of generic knockout powder.”

“Generic knockout powder is already quite well-understood.”

“Perhaps, but I ask the jury, does it hurt to have more data points? Let me answer my own question: no.”

Judgaroni banged the gavel. “I declare the defendant...” for some reason, he trailed off, and everyone spent several seconds staring at him waiting. “Not guilty by way of science.”

Everyone in the crowd and jury immediately started talking with someone else in the crowd or jury.

Judgaroni banged the gavel again. “Order in the court!”

Everyone stopped talking and looked at Judgaroni.

“I hereby award the defendants one full acquittal each.”

“OBJECTION!” Rarity said.

“The decision’s already been made. Court is now out of session.”

No one talked.

“Go away,” Judgaroni said. Everyone began to leave.

“This is ridiculous,” Rarity said to her chosen talking partner, Sweetie Belle. “They spike our drinks and get no punishment whatsoever! What sick, lawless world do we live in?”

“Hasbro,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Don’t get snarky with me, Sweetie Belle. This is a blatant injustice.”

“Well, I think Pinkie Pie had a good message. Yes, there should be limits, but what would this culture be if knocking out your friends was illegal?”

“You’re seriously on their side? I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

“I’m Sweetie Belle.”

“Don’t do that.”

“You’re just grumpy because you lost.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Fine. I’m gonna hang out with my friends who actually understand me.”

“Fine.”

“You saved me from π years in jail!” Pinkie said.

“So will you stop bugging me about the poem?”

“I guess, if you really want. Oh, and I should correct myself, I think I would’ve gotten something like the silver ratio in years in jail.”

“What?”

“Well, I bought this book, ‘Reduce Your Jail Time By Up To 25%’, and it’s supposed to have techniques in it to reduce your jail time by up to 25%. But anyway, what’s important is that you saved me from years in prison. I couldn’t handle prison, man!”

“Um... you’re welcome.”

The sounds of walking, not silence, ensued for them. They went outside the building with a moderate sense of love and friendship (for Pinkie, strong, but she feels like that towards everyone), and made it only a few metres past the door before dialogue ensued:

“Sugarcube Corner’s actually that way,” Pinkie said in a rather sad, “the whole world is meh” tone, “So I guess I should go.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bye.”

The credits rolled, then there was a shot of Pinkie laying on her bed doing nothing. The door to her house... type... situation in Sugarcube Corner was knocked. She walked over to the door and, surprisingly, answered it.

“Hi, Carrot Cake,” Pinkie said, rubbing an eye and sounding generally tired even though it was barely past twenty.

“Hi, Pinkie. I just wanted to tell you that per your contract you’ll have to work tomorrow, since you spent the entire day at court.”

“Sounds good. I’ve got some news for you too.”

“What is it?”

“I think Zecora might be my love interest.”

Chapter 128: Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Episode 8: What’s the Point of Withstanding When We’re All Going To Die Anyway

“Last time,” Pinkie Pie screamed into a tailwind, “On Withstander: Corvidae Islands! There was an archery challenge, and not Twilight won, so Twilight got voted off! Now with only Jambalayers left, there’s an actual mystery as to who’ll get voted out this time on Total! Wait, Withstander!”

“Longin’ for Rainbow,” Applejack said.

“Telling you to talk about something else,” Big Mac said.

“I love you and stuff,” Lyra said.

“I love you and things,” Octavia said.

“I’m lonely,” camerapony #3 said.

“Ah think camerapony #3 should get the mail since she’s got nothin’ better to do,” Applejack said.

“+1,” Big Mac said.

“Works with me,” Lyra said.

Camerapony #3 got the mail and came back.

“There are five of you. After this, there will be four. How long can you hang?”

And so they did some canoeing.

“Welcome, Withstanders!” Pinkie said into a tailwind (headwind for the Withstanders). She was behind a team game show contestant desk for hiding things behind. “Today’s challenge is simple: there are five horizontal ropes with ten wooden posts, two each, holding them up, making the overall shape Π-like. Whoever can hold on to their rope for the longest time without falling wins.”

Octavia raised a hoof.

“Octavia!”

“We have hooves.”

Pinkie sighed. “I already went over this. They’re called challenges because they’re challenging. We’ll play DEFCON for spots, then we’ll get started.”

One game later!

“Welperdoozerwhatsithoofsticks,” Pinkie said, “We’re five seconds into the challenge. You’re all doing... adequate.”

Fifty-five seconds later!

“Welperdoozerywhatsithoofsticks,” Pinkie said, “It’s time for the first bribe. I know this isn’t totally just a strength of your will challenge, but whatever. If you leave the challenge within one minute, you’ll receive this bowl of spaghetti. Just a second.” It was heavy enough to need two hooves to grab, and she was able to biped just long enough to put it on the desk. It was a strainer-sized bowl of spaghetti complete with pasta sauce and pasta cheese. “This bowl.”

Octavia let go and landed with her hindlegs, then she slipped and landed on her back.

“Nice,” Pinkie said.

“Well, we’re supposed to be quadrupeds,” Octavia said as she got up.

“Yeah, but you should be able to hold it for at least a couple seconds....”

“I had the momentum from the falling and... well, it’s not really important. Do I still get the bribe even though I let go by accident?”

“Yep.”

Octavia went to the desk and Pinkie hooved her a fork of steel.

“You should be behind the desk.”

“Why?”

“Because otherwise it looks weird with you all in front of the desk. Just get on the other side.”

Octavia went to the other side of the desk.

“Welperdoozerywhatsithoofstickeronis,” Pinkie said, “Octavia gets a huge bowl of sustenance whilst you get to watch her. She may have lost the challenge, but you know who the real winner is? Whoever wins the challenge.”

Thirty minutes later!

Camerapony #3 slipped off undramatically.

“G’job,” Pinkie said.

“Om nom,” Octavia said, entire strands of spaghetti falling out of her mouth as she did.

One hour into the challenge!

“It’s time for the last bribe,” Pinkie said. She took another strainer-sized bowl of spaghetti and put it on the desk. “This bowl!”

“Do we get the spaghetti or just the bowl?” Lyra said.

“No, you get both.”

Lyra let go by accident.

Approximately one hour later!

“And then you know what she did?” Pinkie said. “She called h Poké a Missingno..”

“Shmsh’l?” Lyra said with a mouthful of spaghetti.

“Seriously!”

Big Mac fell off.

“Oh,” Pinkie said. “Applejack wins!”

Applejack let go undramatically.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Pinkie said dramatically.

Back at camp, nothing was happening. No discussion of any kind, no cooking, no inclement weather, no killing of chickens, nothing. In fact, nothing happened so much that a tumbleweed rolled along the beach.

“What business does a tumbleweed have on the Corvidae Islands?” Octavia said.

“i dunno lol.” “I don’t know.” “I don’t know.” “I can’t say I have any idea.”

“Welcome,” Pinkie said, “To Teamal Council. So, only five of you left. The odds just get worse and worse. But this vote will really be interesting. With CMTR gone, who’s not really your friend? Who’s not as much on the inside as they think they are? We’ll find out tonight.”

“Practising your lines for tonight?” camerapony #2 said.

“What does it look like?”

“An’ that’s whah Ah miss Rainbow,” Applejack said.

“I can’t believe I took Big Mac’s trade,” said camerapony #3.

“Welcome,” Pinkie said, “To Teamal Council. So, only five of you left. The odds just get worse and worse. But this vote will really be interesting. With CMTR gone, who’s not really your friend? Who’s not as much on the inside as they think they are? We’ll find out tonight, unless it’s Applejack. We’re going by name length tonight, so Lyra, you’re first.”

Voting happened, but camerapony #3 was interesting.

“Okay,” camerapony #3 thought in French, “Applejack and Big Mac told me they would vote for Lyra, Lyra and Octavia told me they would vote for Big Mac... who do I choose? I don’t know. Stress and related emotions.”

She wrote down her vote, immediately changed it, thought for a minute, and changed it again.

“The votes,” Pinkie said. “I will tally them.”

Pinkie made vote retrieval a reality.

“Whomever gets the greater amount of vote’s looses,” Pinkie said. “First vote: Lyra.”

“Second vote: camerapony #3.”

“Wait, what?” camerapony #3 said.

“Camerapony #3.”

“Eighth pony voted off Withstander: Corvidae Islands and the third member of our jury: camerapony #3.”

Camerapony #3 hopped on one hoof over to Pinkie.

“Camerapony #3, all your friends hate you.”

And so she took the arduous journey to Sequestria.

“I hope you’re happy with yourselves,” Pinkie said, “Because you’re my friends and I like you. Good night.”

Chapter 129: A Problem and a Dilemma

“You know, Spike,” Twilight said, “I’ve been thinking....”

“That is something you do a lot.”

“Yeah, and—wait.” Twilight turned around. “Apple Bloom?”

“Uh... hi.”

“GTFO.”

Apple Bloom disappeared in a puff of overused reference. After a few seconds of nothing, the puff smoke set off a smoke detector.

“FIRE!!!” Spike said as he ran into the room. Also, he had his arms up, since that’s how scared people run.

“Spike,” Twilight said, “There’s no fire.”

Spike opened the strangely screenless and strangely circular window and jumped out, which would be fine, except it was on the first floor. He fell to the ground and probably broke a bone or something. Twilight teleported to Spike.

“Are you okay?” she chose over the many ruder options.

“My arm hurts...” Spike said whilst clutching his left arm. “It’s a good thing the rest of my body landed in this soft, smooth bush, but this arm really hurts....”

“I’ll get you to Zecora.”

“Can’t you just heal me with magic?”

“I could try, but if I mess up the spell, you’ll explode.”

“I trust you....”

“That’s adorable, but I should really take you to somep... er... zebra who knows what she’s doing.”

Twilight teleported herself and Spike directly inside Zecora’s vaja, as it will now be known.

“A jarda of p—” Zecora was cut off by seeing Twilight and Spike spontaneously appear in front of her. “Zomgnesswhat why did you have to do that?”

“Spike’s hurt,” Twilight said.

“Next time, teleport outside of the building and walk in.”

“Fine. Now fix Spike.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He hurt his arm.”

“And?”

“It might be broken.”

“Is it?”

“We don’t know.”

One clock wipe later!

“He’s fine,” Zecora said. “Now leave, I have vaguely magical plants to collect.”

“Why do we have to leave for that?” Twilight said.

“Leave.”

LATER THAT DAY!

“It’s hard getting stuff out of your teeth with hooves,” Twilight said, referencing a deleted scene in which she ate some popcorn.

“Well, it’s hard... um... I dunno, having hands is pretty cool.”

Knock-kno—

“ZOMG RAINBOW!” Twilight said. She ran to the door so excitedly that she didn’t slow down quickly enough and ran into it. Even though it wouldn’t happen in real life, she lost consciousness from the hit because it was funny. Spike walked to the door and opened it.

“Hi, Applejack,” Spike said.

“Er... Twahlight okay?”

“She just ran into the door and now she’s unconscious.”

“So... no?”

“She’ll be fine.”

“Okay... just wanted to give ‘er this.” Applejack took a green-yellow apple from a bag she had and hooved it to Spike.

“You don’t secretly love her, do you?”

“No, it’s part of an in-joke. She’ll understand. Now Ah have to leave for Rai—crap, Ah think Ah left ‘er tied to the bed. Yeah, Ah definitely left ‘er there.” Applejack took off for Sweet Apple Acres. “She’s gonna be so mad at me....”

Spike looked at the apple, threw it a few centimetres into the air and caught it a couple times for no particular reason, and closed the door.

A FEW MINUTES LATER!

Twilight woke up.

“Twilight?” Spike said. “You okay?”

Twilight got up and opened the door to find a huge, obvious lump of nobody.

“It was Applejack,” Spike spoke. Twilight turned around to face him. “She wanted you to have this.” He held out the apple and she took it.

“Greenish-yellow...” she muttered. “Dammit.” She took a bite of the apple. “It’s so hard to be mad at her when she gave me a free apple.”

“What’s this whole green-yellow apple thing about anyway?”

“It’d take forever to explain....”

“You could have a narrated flashback.”

“It’s not important.”

“Fine, don’t tell me. I’ll just have to live not knowing.”

“Good.”

“Fine.”

“Good.”

The line of “fine”s and “good”s went on for about an hour, lasting until the door got knocked again. Twilight answered it.

“zomg,” Twilight said, “Rainbow!”

“Yeah. You won’t believe what AJ did.”

“She left to do some errand but you were bondaged to her bed and she didn’t untie you so you had to wait until she came back, then you got mad and came over here?” Spike said.

“Um...” Rainbow said, “That’s....”

“The errand involved coming here,” Spike said.

“Oh,” Rainbow said, “That’s not creepy. But what is creepy is what Twilight’s about to say.”

“I want to magic off one of Scootaloo’s wings and eat it,” Twilight said.

“What?” Spike said.

“I said I want to—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but... what?”

“I know, ponies are herbivores, but—”

“No, the part about magicking off one of Scootaloo’s wings.”

“Oh. Well, I would never actually do it, it’s just... if I could feel like I was doing it....”

Silence.

“Why are you judging me?”

“If you wanted to take some random pony’s wing and eat it,” Rainbow said, “Then I would kind of understand. But Scootaloo? You know her.”

“Well, I would never actually do it because morals, but if there was some way of simulating it....”

Silence.

“So...” Twilight said, “Do you want to have sex, Rainbow?”

“No, I wanted to spend some quality time with a friend. Seriously, I wanted to have sex, but....”

“Are you ever going to get over this or are you breaking up with me?”

“I guess it’s not a big deal.”

“Okay.”

Silence.

“You sure you don’t want to do friend stuff for at least a few minutes?” Twilight said.

“I’m sure.”

Big Mac’s door was knocked. In both ways. He opened it. In one way.

“Big Mac,” Applejack said, “We need to have sex.”

“By we, you mean you, and by need, you mean want.”

“Eeyup,” Applejack said in a terrible impression of Big Mac.

Silence.

“Ah’m sorry,” Applejack said, looking downward for a moment.

“I can’t have sex right now.”

“Why not?”

“I’m playing Minecraft.”

“Come on, you’re seriously gonna choose a video game over sex?”

“Eeyup.”

“...It’s so hard to argue with that.”

Big Mac shut the door.

“Rainbow, Big Mac...” Applejack said, “That’s all two ah my sexual partners. Y’know, when Ah put it that way, two sexual partners doesn’t sound like very many. Ah know, don’ explain the joke, sorry. An’ what’s made me use all this correct grammar recently anyways? Focus, AJ. Back on topic. Ah have two options: resist urges, clop, or find another pony. But what other ponies are there for me? Apple Bloom? Oh fuck, did Ah seriously just say that? It was the first thing that came into my head and Ah just said it. Okay, so Ah have one option: resist urges or clop. But Ah don’t wanna resist urges. Ah guess that’s kinda the point, though.”

Apple Bloom exited her room.

“Hi, AJ.”

“Hey... there... sugarcube.”

“You trahin’ ta have character?”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway, whatcha doin’ just standin’ ‘ere in the hal’way?”

“Ah don’t know whether to resist mah horny adolescent urges or just clop.”

“Did you ask Big Mac?”

“He said no.”

“So? Ask ‘m again.”

“What?”

“You can’t just give up after the first try, AJ. You gotta have a li’l’ determination.”

“You know what, Applecube? You’re raht. Ah’ll trah again.”

“Good for you.” Apple Bloom sprinted down to the lavatory.

Applejack knocked on the door of Big Mac’s room once again. He opened it once again.

“What is it?”

“Can we have sex?”

“You just asked me a minute ago.”

“Ah’m not gonna give up that easily, Big Mac. Ah’ve got resolve. Determination. Resolve.”

Big Mac closed the door.

“Come on! This is absolutely necessary for mah survahval!”

Applejack sat against the wall trying to decide for a couple minutes, then Apple Bloom came back up. Not meaning Applejack made her decision.

“Ah tried again,” Applejack said. “It didn’t work.”

“That’s weird. Oh well, guess you’ll just have to resist urges.”

“:(”

Chapter 130: Faust of the Rings Team Edition

Featuring...

Rainbow, Twilight, and Applejack in Team Winners!

Octavia, Lyra, and Vinyl Scratch in Team of Music!

Pinkie Pie, Carrot Cake, and Cup Cake in Sugarcube Corner Team!

Fluttershy, Big Mac, and Zecora in The Team Who Are Antisocial!

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo are the Ring Crusaders!

Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and Twist are the Cocleares Argentorum!

And Butterscotch, Spike, and Rarity in Team Hastily Thrown Together!

Seven teams! Twenty-one rings! But only three winners!

“So...” Applejack said at Winner Base, i.e., Twilight’s house, “Does anypony on Team Winners have any plans?”

“Go around beating ponies up?” Twilight said. “We’ll take the weakest three teams and then we’ll have a majority of the rings by midnight.”

“Sounds good,” Rainbow said. “Hey, Twilight, could you back up a bit?”

“What, did I say something confusing?”

“No, physically.”

“Okay....” Twilight took a couple steps back, and so did Rainbow.

“Ring toss!” Rainbow said. She threw her ring at Twilight’s horn, successfully landing it.

“Rainbow, that’s not funny,” Twilight said.

“It’s funny,” Applejack said.

“Okay,” Twilight said, “Rainbow, you go somewhere nopony but you could ever reach and stash the rings there. We’ll wait here.”

“I hate you,” Vinyl Scratch said.

“I can’t say I’m too fond of you,” Octavia said.

“You could,” Lyra said, “But it’d be lying. Anyway, Octavia, you’re smart, come up with something.”

“Um... could we beat anypony in a fight?”

“I could, like....” Lyra paused for a second. “Wait, I don’t know any combat magic. Vinyl?”

“I can make ponies feel really itchy for a second.”

“Is that going to be our entire strategy?” Octavia said.

“Yes,” Lyra said. “Now why are we in this black void?”

“Because you fucked up the teleportation,” Vinyl Scratch said.

“Hey, let’s not point fin... um... never mind, you win.”

“Any ideas?” Pinkie said whilst trying to convince herself that that dream she had about Zecora last night meant nothing at all.

“We could beat up the Cocleares Argentorum,” Carrot Cake said.

“Sounds good.”

“Rhyming,” Big Mac said at Zecora’s vaja, the location where he was.

“I know, okay?” Zecora said. “Look, the last thing we need in The Team Who Are Antisocial is conflict. Any plans?”

“We could beat up the Cocleares Argentorum.”

“Does that work with you, Fluttershy?” Zecora said. “Because you’re really good at stuff when you, you know, actually try. Not that I’m saying you never put effort into anything, it’s nothing like that, just....”

“It sounds fine to me,” Fluttershy said.

“Who do we have the best chance against?” Scootaloo said to the other two at where they were, Sweet Apple Acres.

“Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom said. “You’re the fancy one, which means you’re the smart one, which means you hafta come up with somethin’.”

“I think we could manage Hastily Thrown Together.”

“Then we’ll do that.” “lolk”

“We’re killing the CMC,” Silver Spoon said.

“We are so killing the CMC,” Twist said.

“They’re dead,” Diamond Tiara said.

“I think we should get the evil team,” Spike said.

“The Cocleares Argentorum?” said Rarity.

“Noooo, the other evil team.”

“You’re never getting into my... pants?... if you talk like that to me.”

“I was never getting into your pants anyway.”

“Requited love must be awesome,” Butterscotch said.

“Yeah.”

Winners, Music, Sugarcube, Antisocial, and Hastily Thrown Together all travelled to the Rich mansion and arrived there at exactly the same time.

“Hi,” Twilight, spokespony of Team Winners, said, “You ponies here to beat up some innocent foals too?”

“Yes,” said Lyra, Team of Music spokespony.

“Uh-huh,” Pinkie said.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.

“Yep,” Spike said.

All fifteen of them knocked on the door at the same time. After a minute, Filthy Rich answered the door.

“Are you looking for Diamond and her unimportant friends?” he said.

“Yeah,” Pinkie, and luckily no one else, said.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know where they are. Actually, thinking about it further, I’m not sorry since I don’t want my daughter and her friends to die, but the second part of what I said remains true.”

Sweetie Belle knocked on the door of Rarity’s house. Of course, there was no answer.

“Apple Bloom?” Sweetie Belle said. “You’re good at impressions, can you do some fashion pony?”

“No.”

Diamond Tiara knocked the Sweet Apple Acres door. Naturally, there was no answer, even after a full two minutes of waiting. Diamond Tiara turned to Silver Spoon.

“Silver?” Diamond said.

“Hm?”

“First you talk, completely unprovoked, and then your suggestion doesn’t even work?”

“Sorry....”

“Do you realise what this means?”

Silver Spoon nodded.

After some seconds of silence, Filthy Rich closed the door.

“Now what?” said everyone there.

“Let’s beat up Hastily Thrown Together,” Vinyl said.

“But there are only three rings,” Twilight said. “Who doesn’t get one?”

All five teams huddled. Not all in one big huddle, five separate huddles.

“There’s no way we’re pulling out of this,” Twilight said.

“We’re Team Winners,” Rainbow said.

“We’re takin’ ‘em down,” Applejack said.

“We’re not actually powerful,” Octavia said. “We should probably leave.”

“But Vinyl can make ponies itchy!”

“Lyra, you know we’re extraordinarily weak.”

“I know....”

“Can you teleport us to not here?” Vinyl said.

“You teleport us,” Lyra said.

“You’re better at it.”

“You just don’t want any blame.”

“Fine.”

“We can take ‘em,” Pinkie said.

“We can?” Carrot Cake said. “Are you sure?”

“No, but I am sure that some other team’ll quit instead.”

“So we’re bluffing.”

“Yeah, so?”

“If we screw this up, we die.”

“Yeah, so?”

“We shouldn’t leave,” Big Mac said, “We’re kind of tough.”

“I think this might be... kind of... rough?” Zecora said.

“It should work,” Big Mac said, “We’re tough enough.”

“I can scratch ponies,” Spike said.

“I can do some magic,” Rarity deluded herself and her team.

“I can...” Butterscotch said, “Who am I foaling.”

And so Team Music teleported away.

“Well, that solves that,” Twilight said.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.

“Let’s kill us some Hastily,” Pinkie said.

“Wait!” Spike said. “I can scratch stuff! Sugarcube Corner are really the worst team when you think about it!”

“Well, that solves that,” Twilight said.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.

“Let’s kill us some oh fuck,” Pinkie said.

Twilight magicked Pinkie unconscious, Big Mac kicked Cup Cake really hard in the head and knocked her out, and Spike scratched Carrot Cake so painfully that he pretended to faint so that he wouldn’t get scratched anymore. Winners, Antisocial, and HTT all took one ring.

“Of course!” everyone conscious at Rich residence realised at the same time. “The Cocleares Argentorum probably went to Sweet Apple Acres!”

“So we’re at Octavia’s house, which is great,” Vinyl said, “But where are we gonna go next?”

“Beat up the CMC?” Lyra said with an upward inflection to seem less pushy.

“Sure.” “That works.”

“Rarity’ll answer sometime,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Ah think we should go back ta base. Maybe Dahmond & Friends trahed ta kill us.”

“Sure.” “That works.”

Winners, Antisocial, HTT, Music, and Ring Crusaders all followed wildly different paths to Sweet Apple Acres.

“Is that...” Twilight said, seeing the other teams as they came towards the housebarn.

“Is that...” Zecora said, seeing the other teams as they came towards the housebarn.

“Is that...” Rarity said, SOTTCTH.

“Is that...” all three members of Team of Music said SOTTCTH.

“Is that...” Scootaloo said.

“...Everypony?”

“Um...” Twist said, “Is that... everypony?”

“It looks like it,” Diamond confirmed that Twist wasn’t hallucinating. Either that or they were having the same hallucination. Or one or both of them was lying for some reason. But it was the first one.

The other five teams surrounded the Cocleares. Various variations of “huh” and “what” ensued.

“Um...” Fluttershy said. Everyone instantly stopped muttering and turned their attention to her.

Seeing sixteen ponies look at her expectantly, she got nervous and stepped back a couple small steps. “Never mind.”

“It’s okay,” Zecora said, putting a leg behind Fluttershy’s neck. “Go ahead. You know how good you are at things when you try them.”

“Why do you have your leg behind my neck?”

“Do I?” Zecora brought her leg back. “I didn’t even notice.”

“Do you secretly love me?”

Zecora looked somewhere else for a brief moment, then back to Fluttershy. “No. I sort of hate you, actually. You’re such a sop.”

“You love her,” Rainbow said.

Silence.

“Well?” Fluttershy said. “Do you?”

Zecora hesitated for a second. “Yes.”

Silence.

“Look...” Scootaloo said, “I understand there’s a love confession, but we’ve got some Cocleares to beat up. Which reminds me of a question. Is it the same question you had, Fluttershy?”

“Where’s Silver Spoon?”

“Exactly.”

“Oh, everypony else sees that too?” Vinyl said. “Thank Faust.”

“Yeah, I was wondering,” said Rainbow.

So there were tons of quotes like that.

“She’s guarding the rings,” Diamond Tiara said. “We don’t even have them on us, so don’t bo... aw...” she was reduced to vowels when Twilight started strangling her and Twist with magic.

“Eeeee,” Twist said.

They both fainted reasonably quickly. As it would turn out from a quick search through their manes, they didn’t have any rings. Music teleported away again, and so everyone turned to Hastily Thrown Together.

“Don’t look at us,” Rarity said, “The Cutie Mark Crusaders are fillies and they don’t have claws.”

Everyone turned to the CMC.

“Er...” Apple Bloom said, before getting grabbed by Rainbow Dash. Rainbow flew exactly ten metres into the air.

“Are you gonna drop me?” Apple Bloom said whilst Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo got magicked and kicked really hard in the head, respectively, to unconsciousness.

“No. Hey, who wants to knock Apple Bloom out? Twilight?”

“I already did Sweetie Belle,” Twilight said, “And Big Mac did Scootaloo, so Hastily Thrown Together haven’t done their share yet.”

“I don’t think any of us have the skills to knock her out,” Butterscotch said.

“Then I’ll do it,” Twilight said. “Do I have to do all the work?”

Rainbow came down and put down Apple Bloom.

“You ready?” Twilight said. Apple Bloom nodded, but Rainbow kicked her really hard in the head.

“Sorry,” Rainbow said, “I suddenly felt violent.”

“It’s okay,” Twilight said, even though getting a sudden, unexplained urge to kick intelligent creatures in the head may or may not be considered okay. “So since we got two of them, do we get Hastily Thrown Together’s ring?”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.

Winners took two, Antisocial took one, and everyone went their separate ways.

“Whahblehzerersits?” Pinkie said after she was knocked in.

“Good,” Carrot Cake said, “You’re awake.”

Pinkie got up. “How’s Cup Cake?”

“Still out.”

One second earlier...

Pinkie got up. “How’s Cup Cake?”

“Still out.”

“So should we just wait?”

“Probably.”

Some time later, at the house of tree of Twilight!

“Okay,” Twilight said, “We made it here without dying, so you ponies snog or something whilst I put the rings in the secret keeping location. And it’s not under any sink.”

Meanwhile at Zecora’s vaja, the Antisocialites were digging a hole to hide their rings in.

At the Carousel Boutique!

“Any ideas?” Rarity said.

“No,” Spike said Hotel Mario-style.

“Offer a sacrifice to Big Mac?” Butterscotch said.

“No, for the competition,” Rarity said.

“Oh. Then i dunno lol.”

“Wait, did you say offer a sacrifice?”

“To Big Mac. Your point?”

“Well, my point is here,” Rarity tapped her recently filed horn, “But offer a sacrifice?”

“Yeah. You know, if somepony said they didn’t like Rainbow or—”

“So something you’d kill them for anyway?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Never mind.”

Meanwhile at Octavia’s secret underground base in the sky! Or her house. You know, whichever is the one that exists.

“I hate you,” Vinyl informed.

“I hate you,” Octavia said.

“I’m moving our rings to the boiler room,” Lyra said.

Diamond Tiara, Twist, and the CMC all woke up at the same time. Before anyone even said anything, there was an awkward silence.

“Hey, Dahmond,” Apple Bloom said.

“What?”

“Wanna snog a bit?”

“What?” said everyone else there, including Diamond Tiara.

“Wanna snog a bit?”

Diamond Tiara put a hoof under her chin. “...Yes.”

Diamond went over to Apple Bloom and they started kissing.

“You know,” Sweetie Belle said to Scootaloo, “I don’t get this fic.”

“You don’t get a lot of things.”

“I know, but... do you get why this is happening?”

“Well... we know they think each other’s hot.”

“I know, but the... actual liking each other part that would make them want to do this isn’t there.”

“Yeah, you need to find each other hot and like each other for romance. Which makes me think, if they turn out to have secretly loved each other somehow the whole time, I’m leaving this right now. Well, not now, but when that’s revealed. I guess hate sex and stuff does happen, but I’m not sure if this is in the spirit of that or not.”

“That first sentence is what I just said.”

“I was just agreeing with you.”

The snogging continued in spite of everyone heavily wishing it would stop.

“Maybe it’s so they don’t have to go through the inevitable awkward silences like the one that just happened,” Scootaloo said whilst thinking about stealing one or two or three of the apples.

“I guess, but is it really worth having us look at this?”

“To them, I guess. They’re so selfish.”

In spite of everyone heavily wishing it would stop, the snogging continued.

“It’s wrong for them to be doing this,” Scootaloo said.

“It’s never going to work out, they don’t even like each other.”

“I bet they’re doing it just to annoy us.”

“You mean it’s not to avoid awkwardness or because they’re kind of horny despite being foals?”

“Yeah. It’s purely to annoy the fiddlesticks out of us.”

“Fiddlesticks?”

“I don’t know.”

“Tell us what to do, Twilight,” Rainbow said. “You know AJ and I can’t formulate a plan just by ourselves.”

“See?” Twilight said. “You need my leadership complex.”

“I was being sarcastic.”

“Oh.”

“Seriously, though, your leadership complex is really bad.”

“Let’s go to Rarity’s and beat up Hastily Thrown Together.”

“I know what we could do,” Fluttershy said.

“Did you say something unprovoked?” Zecora said.

“I guess. I wasn’t really thinking about it.”

“Good for you. So is it beat up HTT?”

“Eeyup,” Fluttershy said in a terrible Big Mac impression.

Big Mac looked at Fluttershy, then vice versa. Fluttershy looked at the ground.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Zecora put a leg behind Fluttershy’s neck. “You want a romantic relationship that you wouldn’t’ve gotten into if you had better self esteem at the time?”

“You’re too moral to do that.”

“I know....”

“I can’t believe you seriously think you’re a better pony than I am,” Octavia said.

“Same here.”

“I’m back from the boiler room,” Lyra said, “And I have an idea.”

“What?” they both said.

“Beat up HTT.”

Winners and Antisocial met at the Carousel Boutique entrance.

“Dammit,” Rainbow said, “We have to stop meeting.”

“Where are Music?” Zecora said.

“As if we would know.”

Zecora knocked on the door.

“I’m afraid of who it might be,” Rarity said.

“Well, what can we do?” Spike said. “Not answer it?”

Awkward silence.

“Let’s do that,” Butterscotch said.

“What do they think they’re doing, not answering the door?” Zecora said.

“I’ll fix it,” Twilight said. “Everypony take a couple steps back from the door.”

Everyone obeyed the will of Twilight. Mwahaha! Anyway, Twilight magically destructed the door into dangerously sharp shards of wood.

“Well, fuck,” Spike said.

“I agreh—eh—ehhhh—” Butterscotch fainted from lack of air.

“wear r teh ringz?” Rainbow said.

“Why should I tell you?” Rarity said.

“Because if you don’t, then one of us will kill you. Well, probably not Fluttershy, but somepony else. Or zebra. It could be Zecora.”

“By ‘kill’, you mean ‘knock out and search your house’, right?”

“Look, it’s only a matter of time, so just tell us,” Twilight said.

“No.”

“Then you leave Big Mac no choice.”

“I have to do this?” Big Mac said.

“I’ve done more than enough today.”

“So have I, AJ should do something.”

“Well, Ah’ll happily knock out Rarity,” Applejack said. She pushed Rarity down to the floor with one leg and stood over her.

“One last shot,” Applejack said.

“Over my dead oh crap.”

Applejack stomped Rarity really hard. Twilight turned to Spike.

“Where are they?”

Spike looked at Butterscotch and Rarity and realised that he didn’t have much choice. “They’re under Sweetie Belle’s mattress.”

Everyone dashed upstairs and realised that they didn’t know which door led to Sweetie Belle’s room.

“What about that one?” Applejack pointed to a door with a sign reading “SWEETIE BELLE’S ROOM”.

“We’ll try it,” Zecora said. She opened the door, revealing Sweetie Belle’s room. Everyone shuffled in and Twilight and Zecora the Spokesequids pushed the mattress off.

“Four rings,” Zecora said.

“Two each?” Twilight said.

“Deal.” They shook hooves, however that works.

“I say we separate now,” Rainbow said.

“But Rainbow,” Twilight said, “Why—”

“No, I mean the two teams. They should be in different locations.”

“Oh.”

“We’re leaving,” Big Mac said, “You ponies have shippy times or whatever.”

“‘Kay,” the Winners said.

And so Antisocial left the party.

“Can we have shippy times?” Twilight said.

“Not when I have better options,” Rainbow said. “Should we snog, AJ?”

“We have to get the rings back,” Applejack said. “Every second counts.”

“Speaking of every second counting,” Twilight said, “Let’s actually leave.”

“When’s she gonna wake up?!” Pinkie Pie said.

Team of Music made it to Rarity’s to not find a door on which to knock.

“I think somepony beat us here,” Vinyl said.

“We may as well check briefly whilst we’re here,” Octavia said.

“I suppose,” Lyra said.

“Will they be done soon?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Maybe if you encourage them a bit,” Scootaloo said.

“You go.”

“You.”

“You.”

“Not it.”

“I’m not going.”

“Fine.”

Scootaloo went up to the pair of lustbirds.

“Apple Bloom?” she chose over other options such as “Fiji white turnip party” and “we don’t actually ever observe reality unfiltered” and “eeeooomlngan”.

Apple Bloom stopped the kissing. “What?”

“Should we be trying to get more rings? Because I don’t think zero is going to cut it for us.”

“That sounds dangerous.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

Scootaloo walked back to Sweetie Belle and the snogging resumed.

“Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo said.

“Yes?”

“Should we just leave and try to get some rings ourselves?”

“Sure.”

“Hey, Twist!” Scootaloo screamed across the hills.

“Yeah?”

“You wanna just come with us and try to steal some rings?”

“I don’t know if Diamond would like that....”

“So? Come on! Do you wanna be under her for the rest of your foalhood?”

Twist thought for a couple seconds. “Okay, I’ll join.”

Butterscotch awakened.

“Butterscotch,” Spike said. “You have regained consciousness.”

“Indeed I have. What happened whilst I was sleeping with the squid?”

“They took our rings. The music team came here too, but they left after a few minutes of threatening me with a butter knife.”

“I have a relative named Butter Knife.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. She’s Butterwhisky’s sister.”

“You realise that means nothing without the appropriate context. And it’s not like the appropriate context is something I should already know.”

“Well, everypony thinks of her as ‘Butterwhisky’s sister’ since Butterwhisky has good grades and an awesome girlfriend and a driver’s licence and stuff. It’s not even like one’s all smart and one’s all cool, Butterwhisky has everything.”

“Is Butterwhisky at least a jerk or something?”

“No.”

“Well, then.”

Remember that time when Rainbow and Applejack were in the same place and they weren’t kissing? You were dreaming.

“I’m back,” Twilight said. “Rainbow?”

“What?”

“Can’t you at least give me one little anything?”

“No.”

Snogging resumed.

“What should we do?” Twilight said. They both completely ignored her.

“And that’s my opinion on the economy,” Zecora said. “Big Mac, your thoughts?”

“I don’t know anything about economics.”

“But characters are either supposed to know pretty much everything or pretty much nothing, and you’re on the everything side.”

Big Mac tried to shrug, and the only language with a word for what he did is a dying African one with fifty speakers.

“Team Winners are winning on eight,” said Milka, another employee of Programme Productions, “With Antisocial close behind with seven. Music and the Cocleares both have three, but really, Winners and Antisocial are the only two with any realistic chance left.”

“Does she usually take this long to wake up?” Pinkie said.

“I don’t know, she’s never been unconscious before.”

“Seriously? Most ponies have that happen for the first time before they’re ten.”

“I know. I remember it happened to me when I was eight.”

“It sounds like so much fun, and then when it actually happens to you, it sucks.”

“I know, right?”

“Kind of like season two.”

“This was all leading into a season two joke?”

“Yep.”

Knocking would have ensued for Rarity’s door, but since it was now debris, the team of Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Twist just walked in.

“Welcome to Carousel Boutique, home of the Quadruple Bacon Big Pig Burger,” Butterscotch said. “How may I help you today?”

“We demand all of your rings,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Here you go.”

“You didn’t give us anything.”

“We don’t have any rings, so I fulfilled your request.”

“Fine.”

They walked out.

“That worked,” Scootaloo said.

“It could’ve gone worse,” Sweetie Belle said. “We could’ve died.”

“That’s true, I guess.”

“We need to beat up the music team,” Twilight said.

“‘Kay,” Rainbow said as she petted a very relaxed-looking and possibly asleep Applejack on the television-facing couch.

“We should beat up the music team,” Big Mac said.

“Sounds good,” Zecora said, not having any other ideas.

An hour later in a different location, Vinyl was watching Lyra and Octavia snog. That makes her sound voyeury. But she just watchery.

“You know,” Vinyl said, even though her audience didn’t know and that’s why she was telling them, “I’ve had fun one-night stand times a lot, but I’ve never actually been in a relationship. Not that I have a problem with that, I don’t feel like I need that in my life, I’m not lonely or anything. I don’t feel like I ‘need to find love’ like some ponies do. Besides, if I did, then—”

Meanwhile, outside, stuff was occurring.

“Is that...” Twilight said.

“That can’t be,” said Zecora.

Winners and Antisocial met at the doorstep of Octavia’s house.

“Seriously?” they all said.

Twilight and Zecora simultaneously knocked the door.

“My teammates made me spokesequid because they hate talking,” Zecora said.

“I gradually became the leader because I was the only one who ever made any decisions.”

“We shouldn’t answer it,” Lyra said.

Octavia nodded.

“Does anypony care about my opinion?” Vinyl said.

“There’s already a majority vote, so not at the moment.”

“Well, I guess it’s another door to break down,” Twilight said. “Rainbow?”

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because you haven’t done anything today.”

“Fine.”

Rainbow kicked the door really, really hard.

“Ow...” Rainbow said.

Big Mac rolled his eyes. “I’ll do it.”

Big Mac kicked the door really, really, hard.

“Ow...” Big Mac said.

“Fine,” Twilight sighed, “I’ll do it, you incompetent pieces of moron.”

Twilight turned the door into dust.

“There,” Twilight said, “Destroyed. You incompetent pieces of moron.”

“We surrender,” Octavia said.

“Where are the rings?” Twilight said.

“They’re in the boiler room.”

“Boiler room?”

“Go to the right hallway and it’s the third door on the right.”

The competent six went to the right hallway and, subsequently, the third door on the right. It led to a staircase which made a tight 180-degree hairpin U-turn before going down straightly into a basement of sorts.

“This is pretty undramatic for a boiler room,” Rainbow said.

“It’s just a utility room,” Zecora said. “I wouldn’t really say it’s big enough to be a boiler room.”

“That’s a betterly-articulated version of what I said.”

Of course, neither of them knew about the two floors below. Twilight spotted the rings, which were laying in the middle of the floor unprotected. She telekinesised them over to herself.

“Can we have one?” Zecora said.

“No,” Twilight said.

Antisocial huddled, which Twilight used to teleport outside.

“Can’t you teleport us further?” Rainbow said.

“No.”

And so Team Winners ran back to their base.

“We have eleven rings,” Twilight said. “It’s ridiculous. It’s not even funny. All we have to do is wait here, unless somepony finds us.”

“This’s where they’d look,” Applejack said.

“Yeah, but then they’d have to beat Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash in a fight.”

“Ah suppose.”

SEVERAL HOURS LATER!

Through the powers of walking, Antisocial got to Programme Productions and subsequently entered it, catching the attention of everyone in the lobby.

“It’s still a few hours before midnight, you know,” said the current receptionist, Broseph McLee.

“We know,” Zecora said, “The rules are pretty clear. But we just wanted to stay here. I know I’m stressing wrongly again, but improv rhyming is enough of a pain.”

“k”

A FEW HOURS LATER!

“Here are the rings,” Zecora said. She got Antisocial’s seven rings and put them on the desk.

“K,” Broseph said. He put the rings into a ring containment unit, as he had been referring to the desk’s drawers all day. Exactly after this happened, Team Winners came in, Twilight carrying eleven rings.

“Did you get eleven rings?” Broseph said.

“Eeyup,” Twilight said in a horrible Big Mac impression.

“That’s ridiculous. It’s not even funny.”

A FEW SECONDS LATER!

“Silver Spoon?!” everyone in the lobby said, because Silver Spoon had arrived.

“What?” Silver Spoon said. “Did you think I was dead or something?”

“Yeah,” Applejack said.

Silver Spoon threw three rings onto the desk.

“Well, we have all twenty-one rings,” Broseph said. “The final scores are Team Winners with 11, The Team Who Are Antisocial with 7, and the Cocleares Argentorum with 3. As for the prize money, Team Winners, as the winners, get 200 bits for each ring, giving them 2,200 bits. Antisocial get 100 bits per ring for 700, and the Cocleares get 50 for 150.”

“w00t,” Rainbow said.

Everyone went home.

Chapter 131: Blatantly Unresearched Sports Chapter

“Ah dunno,” Applejack said, “We just had a competitive thing. Can’t we have an Appledash scene?”

Knock-knock.

“Who’s there?” Applejack said.

No answer.

“Must be Fluttershah.” Applejack opened the door to find Derpy Hooves, who for whatever reason was holding a letter in her mouth. Well, an envelope, in any case. There was no way of telling if there was a letter inside. She took the envelope. “Thanks, Derpy.”

And so Derpy Hooves flew, literally, off to the next household.

Applejack opened the door and closed the envelope. Or maybe it was the other way, I don’t know. For whatever reason, there was a letter inside.

“Ø,” the letter said.

“What’s with all these weird letters Ah’ve been gettin’?” Applejack said to herself. “Ah guess it’s only been two, but still.”

She thought back to the eth she had received just last month. The door was knocked again, so she answered it.

“Hi, Rainbow!”

“That doesn’t work,” Apple Bloom said.

“Ah know....”

“Ah’m gonna keep writin’ Spike an’ me’s crappy fanfic.”

“‘Kay.”

They both went upstairs.

“Gragh!” Twilight said. “Spike!”

Spike came leftwards from collabing with Apple Bloom on a crappy fanfic to the... well, there’s no better word for it. “Kitchen”. “What?”

“I can’t get this jar open with hooves.”

Spike took the plastic white jar, which was marked “FOOD” in black, bold Arial, and tried to open it, having no success.

“Isn’t there some kind of magic you can use?”

“No. Now try again.”

He tried again with identical results.

“I think this might need a jar opener,” Spike said.

“But that’s going to set me back at least 500 bits.”

“Then we can try a butter knife, but I’m not sure how well it’ll work.”

Spike took a butter knife from the appropriate drawer and tried to knife the jar open.

“I don’t know, this one’s tough.”

“What else can we do? We can’t starve!”

“Hmm... maybe if we tell it to open.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hey, jar. Open.”

The jar stayed closed.

“Maybe if we ask it nicely,” Twilight said. “Hey, jar, would you be so kind as to open for us?”

The jar refused to open.

“OPEN YOU FUCKING PATHETIC PIECE OF PLASTIC!” Spike said, before taking the jar and angrily throwing it down onto the floor, causing the lid to come loose.

“It worked!” Twilight said.

“Can I go now?”

“Yeah, you can go.”

“Hmmm,” Rainbow said with exactly three Ms, “I wonder to what AJ is up.”

And so she flew there to see that orange pony she loved so much, Scootaloo.

“Scootaloo!” Rainbow said. She landed next to her. “To what are you up?”

“Trying to steal some apples.”

“Why, is subsisting on doughnuts not working for you anymore?”

“The place is too popular now and they’re actually selling out sometimes. I’m not getting my normal intake every day. And I know I’m breaking my streak of however old I am of not stealing stuff, but oh well.”

“If this involved stealing from somepony less awesome, then maybe I’d help you. Hey, that makes me think, maybe we can take some food from Rarity!”

“But that could also mean taking food from Sweetie Belle. And how do you expect to scam food off Rarity, anyway?”

“We could knock her out and leave with some food.”

“I don’t know, I don’t think assault is really moral enough for me. I can steal a fruit or two and live with myself, but harm is so... harmful.”

“Oh, come on! What’s so wrong about knocking Rarity out and stealing some of her food?”

“Did you hear what you just said?”

Rainbow repeated it back to herself. “You’re right, that does make me sound like I don’t have morals. Which sometimes I don’t, but you know.”

“You have morals.”

“Not all the time.”

“Then do something evil right now.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?”

“There’s fruit to steal, an innocent filly to kick, a girlfriend to rape... there are always opportunities for evil if you look hard enough. Not that you have to look particularly hardly here.”

“Well, the problem with rape is you can either have fun rape, which isn’t that immoral, or gritty rape, which is way too immoral.”

“There’s fruit to steal....”

“Yeah, but that goes back to my point about Rarity. We need to steal from somepony who deserves it a bit more.”

“Diamond Tiara?”

“Yeah, but then you’re also stealing from Filthy.”

“But we don’t like him anyway, do we?”

“I don’t know, I’ll ask AJ.”

“Okay, but just ask the question and don’t get distracted and have fun Appledash times.”

“But that’s what I originally came here for.”

“Fine. I’ll wait here however long it takes.”

Knock-knock!

Applejack came downstairs. “Who’s there?”

“Your favourite girlfriend.”

Applejack opened the door. “You’re mah only girlfriend.”

“What about that one you had back a couple of years ago?”

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“I was hoping I would uncover something by saying that. It would’ve been like

‘What about that one you had back a couple of years ago?’

‘How do you know about that?!’

‘Because you told me.’

but I guess you haven’t been hiding anything from me.”

“Whah would Ah hahde somethin’ from you? Do you not trust me?”

“I trust you....”

Applejack slammed the door and almost immediately opened it again.

“Ah’m sorry. C’min.”

Rainbow came in. “There is a matter of which you should be informed....”

“Yeah?”

“I need you to tell me if I don’t like Filthy Rich or not.”

“What?”

“It’s complicated. You see...”

Rainbow summarised the previous paragraph.

“Ah see,” Applejack said. “So should Ah go outside?”

“I guess.”

“She’s having fun Appledash times, isn’t she?” Scootaloo said a few seconds before Applejack came out the door. “Hi.”

“You tron to steal some apples?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that’s okay, you’re Scootaloo.”

“Thanks for letting me steal from you, but I still have a problem.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m failing.”

“Well, Ah know that. You live on a street corner—”

“No, I mean at getting the apples.”

“Oh. Ah’ll buck some for ya.”

“Cool.”

Applejack retrieved a basket and bucked one tree’s worth of apples. They all fell perfectly into the basket. “Take as many as you want.”

Scootaloo was suspicious that this was all a test of her character and if she actually took more than two or three, something vague but gory would happen to her. She began eating.

“Ah’m gonna rape Rainbow,” Applejack said. “You have fun.”

“She wants sex, you can’t rape her.”

“Well, we’re havin’ sex, anyway.”

She ate an apple uneventfully. Afterwards, she ate another apple uneventfully. Let’s go over to Tom. Tom? ...Tom? Oh Faust, Tom! I can’t watch! Um, anyway, here’s some dialogue whilst we sort out the situation back at the studio.

“I love you,” Applejack said.

“I love you too,” Rainbow said. “Why did you suddenly say that? We don’t do that.”

“So that down the lahne when our relationship is strained an’ we’re arguin’ about whatever, you can’t say ‘when was the last tahme you said you love me’.”

“Why would our relationship ever be strained?”

“It could happen.”

“I would never stop loving you, no matter what you did. And yes, even if you went on a killing spree or something, I would still love you.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“Well, you were gonna say somethin’ like that if I didn’t say that.”

“Okay, but....”

For the purposes of avoiding a bad silence, Rainbow kissed Applejack with as much passion as you would expect a typical kiss between them to have.

“♥,” Applejack said.

“For Faust’s sakes, don’t do that. You know that annoys the fuck outta me.”

“That’s why Ah do it.”

“Well, stop.”

“No.”

“Fine. So, sex?”

“Ah dunno, it’s the middle ah the day, well, noon middle, not middle ah when you’re awake middle, an’ Ah want lunch.”

“Do you eat anything that doesn’t have apples in it?”

“Not really. Why, you got a problem with apples?”

“What I really have a problem with is HP.”

“Rainbow.”

“Just trying to be funny. If you liked ponies who were all serious all the time, you wouldn’t be with me.”

“Okay, but....”

For the purposes of avoiding a bad silence, Rainbow kissed Applejack with as much passion as you would expect a typical kiss between them to have.

“♥,” Applejack said.

“And that’s how I plan to take over the world,” Twilight said.

“Okay, but I don’t really like the part where you tell me I’ve ‘outlived my usefulness’ and throw me into the bottomless pit,” said Spike.

“What? No, that was Pinkie Pie.”

“You said me.”

“I meant Pinkie.”

“Why would you want to take over the world anyway?”

“I don’t, but the point is that I could. Well, the chances of the plan working are pretty remote, to be honest, but I could easily take over Ponyville....” She breathed heavily for a couple breaths. “The power...”

“Uh, Twilight? You okay?”

“Power... must... kill... some... thing... with... said... pow... er....”

“So no, then?”

The phone rang.

“I’ll get it,” Twilight said. She delivered on the promise.

“Purgatoryo?”

“This is Propellergirl, or Burgundy Cap Pony, as I’m known to many. I was just watching the chapter and saw that you were interested in killing something, and a couple of us were just about to get a sacrifice for Big Mac and we’re wondering if you’d like to help.”

“Sure! Where are you?”

“Gravel Road.”

“Okay. I’ll be right there.”

“Great. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Twilight hung up.

“Who was it?”

“It was burgundy cap pony. I’m going over to Gravel Road, you do whatever.”

“Great. Bye.”

“Bye.”

And so Twilight teleported there since she didn’t want them to wait for half an hour.

“Ah, there you are,” said Burgundy Cap Pony, or whatever we’re calling her.

“What?” Butterscotch said. “I don’t see her.”

“Really?” Propellergirl or whatever looked over to Butterscotch for a moment to see where she was looking. “You should be able to see her.”

“Let me relog,” Butterscotch said as if someone could stop her.

Seconds later!

“Oh,” Butterscotch said. “Hi, Twilight!”

“Hi.”

“How did you know we were on this specific spot on Gravel Road?”

“It was luck. Anyway, I assume the house of which you’re standing in front is the one of the pony we’re going to kill?”

“No. It’s the one next to us with the orange, purple, and neon green stripes.”

“Oh. Why are we killing them?”

“She bet us we couldn’t.”

“I see.”

And so they walked up onto the porch of the aforementioned house. By the way, it has a porch.

“How’ll we get in?” Twilight said.

“Ring the doorbell?” said Propellergirl “Burgundy Cap Pony” McBear.

“Doorbell?” She then noticed the doorbell. “So she’s rich too.”

“Like you would find realistic.” Propellergirl rang the doorbell. A minute of waiting later, someone answered, but didn’t actually open the door.

“Who is it?”

“It’s the ponies you apparently think can’t kill you,” Propellergirl said.

“The creepy Big Mac fangirls?”

“Yes.”

Walking away could be heard.

“Shows how confident she is,” Butterscotch said.

“There’s a window there,” Twilight said. “I could magic it broken.”

“We can’t damage any property,” Propellergirl said like it was something everyone was supposed to know by the time they were five. “Besides, the only reason you’re here is so you can help us with her incapacitation.”

“So I don’t get to kill her?”

“No, just KO her.”

“But I want to kill.”

“Too bad.”

“Back on topic,” Butterscotch said, “How are we going to infiltrate the building?”

“Maybe Twilight could teleport us in,” Propellergirl said.

“I don’t know what the inside is like, so I’d probably teleport us into some piece of furniture and we’d all lose limbs and die of blood loss.”

“Then what can we do?” said either Butterscotch or Propellergirl, it doesn’t matter.

“I don’t know, why do I have to plan everything?”

“Because you’re planny,” Butterscotch said.

Butterscotch and Propellergirl looked at Twilight hopefully, which after a few seconds started to go into creepy staring territory even though they weren’t changing how they looked at her.

“Okay, I have an idea,” Twilight said. “Get down.”

“How will dancing help?” Butterscotch said.

“No, like literally.”

“Oh.”

Butterscotch and Propellergirl jumped up and got down. Twilight rang the doorbell, so we’ll go to a commercial whilst they wait.

You flip, but they flop.

You flip, but they flop!

“Who is it?” said the pony on the inside.

“It’s Twilight,” Twilight said, “Open the door.”

“Why?”

“They’re gone. There’s something I want to give you so you can protect yourself.”

“I thought you were working with them.”

“I was a double agent. Either way, they’re going to find a way in eventually, so do you want the weapon of usefulness or not?”

“Fine.”

Whatever her name is opened the door, which was unlocked, and Twilight ran into the entry hallway. She strangled the other pony, her “ihhh” sounds proving no defence.

“Great job, Twilight!” Butterscotch said.

“I don’t know what we’d’ve done without you,” Propellergirl said.

“Thanks. Now what?”

“Now we can go to the chapel and begin the ritual,” Propellergirl said. “Can you teleport us there? Taking her with us will be a pain in the pancreas, and she might wake up.”

“Okay,” Twilight said, “Just waiting for the iron to cook.”

LATER THAT JARDA!

“Okay,” Twilight said, “Let’s... wait, I don’t know where the chapel is.”

“Then we’ll have go about this the old-fashioned way,” Propellergirl said. “Normally, that would be pulling her along the ground, but since we have you, you can levitate her!”

“Am I getting paid for this or something? Because my original motivation of violence is gone.”

“We’re not paying you.”

“Then you can do the rest on your own.”

And so Twilight dramatically walked away down the sand of Gravel Road.

“I guess we’ll have to do it the normal way,” Propellergirl said.

“Unicorns have it so easy,” Butterscotch said.

Silence.

“Did that sound racist?”

“Yes.”

Chapter 132: Pinkie Goes Upon a Walk and Has Multiple Conversations by Nissan

It was 16:02. One minute after the end of Pinkie’s Katilsday workday. But she had had enough frustration today and didn’t feel like going up to her living quarters to try to do another segment of her Rarity Healer 3 speedrun. Even if you got every single little detail perfect, it was one of those luck-based part at the end segments, and it was the cause of the only time she was irritable for more than a couple hours, so she knew starting a bunch of attempts at that when she was already feeling pissed off to begin with was a bad idea.

“You can go now, you know,” Carrot Cake said. “You’ve just been standing there for a minute.”

“I know,” Pinkie said, meaning to come off as mysterious but just being confusing.

“Is something wrong?”

“Just... had a bad day.”

“What?! You’re Pinkie Pie! You don’t have ‘bad days’!”

“It’s this video game. It’s dramatically taking away all my patience.”

“Patience? Patience isn’t a problem for you. You like ponies.”

“I know... I guess it’s just made me easily annoyed. In a bad mood all the time. I know those aren’t the same thing, but I’m in a sufficiently bad mood that I don’t care.”

“I still think it’s OOC of you to ever experience a negative emotion, but okay. I’m leaving the scene, you have fun.”

“Thanks, I will.”

And so Pinkie Pie set off for a walk, because she seriously needed the exercise after a week of eating mostly pastries. Note that this applies to most of her days.

Pinkie came up to the intersection which had become so famous. But why had Near Sugarcube Corner become so well-known? Because it was on that reality show, you know, the one she’s on and you’re watching right now. She noticed something different about the CAEB bench: there was a fully-grown tree planted behind it. The tree... guard... (you know, the little fences they have around trees) around it sported DHL sponsorship, but the main thing she was concerned about was how a tree had grown so quickly. Then she thought that maybe it was transplanted. This made her think of the word “transplant” and how it’s like a pun because transplant, lol. Then she continued on her way to an original location.

More walking which was uneventful at best and boring at worst, but before she could get to the original location to which she had planned to go (although the road she was on was already an original location), she ran into Cheerilee. As in she was looking to her left and literally walked into her. Well, not literally, since that would be phasing through her.

“Hello, Pinkie Pie,” Cheerilee V-Power, as she had recently renamed herself for sponsorship purposes, said, trying to be friendly and succeeding.

“Sorry, Cheerilee. Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I was just going to Generic Market to pick up some lemons—”

This sent Pinkie into giggling. After a second, she noticed that Cheerilee wasn’t amused and tried to stop. It took a couple of seconds.

“—As you can probably tell by the bags I’m carrying. Not so much about the lemons, but going to a store of some sort.”

“I’m going to Die.”

“What?”

“You know, Die. That little store near Dapác.”

“I’ve never been to Dapác.”

“Huh. Anyway, it’s like Generic Market except it’s a building instead of a fruit cart.”

“That doesn’t make them sound very similar.”

“Well, they sell the same kinda thing. Anyway, that’s where I’m going, and you obviously have somewhere to be too, so Scoo-da-loo.”

“Bye.”

And so Pinkie continued to Die. Along the way, the road became less urban and more forest pathy. It wasn’t exciting except for the time she came across something interesting. A few metres off the road was a large, about four-metre-diameter, hole in the ground with no visible end. It just got darker and darker until nothing was visible, as large holes do. There was a metre-high wooden fence around it, and a sign reading “West Dapác Bottomless Pit”. It really stood out against the regular dense forest and normal gravel path which took up the rest of her field of vision. She walked up to the fence and looked down into the abyss, an obvious metaphor for her feeling guilty for all the terrible things she had done in the past couple weeks.

“That’s kinda cool,” she said, again an obvious metaphor for how uncomfortable she was with enjoying all the evil she constantly did. And then she carried on with her walk, another metaphor for her never doing anything to change her ways despite her guilt.

Has this ever happened to you? Maybe if you’re a complete moron who can’t tear aluminium foil without cutting yourself, it has, but otherwise, this product is useless to you.

“I wonder how far I am away from the centre of Ponyville,” Pinkie said to herself. Just then, she summited a hill and saw a distance sign reading

“Ponyville      10

  West Dapác   5”.

“The sun is setting, so I should probably turn back now. Hopefully nothing scary happens.”

A kilometre down the road, a very bright light from diagonally above suddenly illuminated the ground around her, like you would see from a police helicopter. She turned around and looked up to see a black police helicopter.

“Cease your walking immediately,” someone in the helicopter said through a megaphone. “We have awesome machine guns and we’re not afraid to use them.”

Pinkie ceased her walking and the helicopter landed, taking up most of the width of the path. Two policeponies came out of it, one carrying two pairs of hoofcuffs in his mouth. Non-carrier pushed and subsequently held Pinkie to the ground.

“What did I do?” Pinkie said.

“Don’t play that game with me,” said hoofcuff carrier as he hoofcuffed Pinkie.

“Um, Polizetti?” non-carrier said. “I don’t think this is her.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah.” Non-carrier stopped pushing her into the ground. “Look at her eyes. This is Pinkie Pie.”

Polizetti, as his name apparently is, did. “Crap, you’re right.” He undid the hoofcuffs. “I’m so sorry, we thought you were a different pony.”

Even Pinkie Pie was not amused.

“We’ll just be going now,” Polizetti said.

And so they did, and nothing happened for the rest of that day.

Chapter 133: Zecora Rhymes All of Her Sentences

“What?” Zecora said. “I didn’t agree to this! My speech will seem weird with no time to prepare, or to be more fancy, amiss. And what’ll happen to make me talk? Will somepony come in, nearly dead? Even then, imagine if doctors rhymed every single sentence they said. It would be a huge burden to getting anything done, and for most of them, it wouldn’t even be fun.”

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?”

No answer.

“Must be Fluttershy.” Zecora opened the door, and it was Derpy Hooves, who was wearing an anklet which had a rectangular pendant on it reading “MR F”. On the same leg as this anklet was a currently bleeding cut spanning nearly the entire length of her leg. Zecora got a towel, poured some water on it, and dabbed the blood, then got a long hospital bandage from the same secret compartment and applied it to her.

“I’m not wasting any vaguely magical plants on you.”

Derpy Hooves’ expression changed from curvy but vaguely a smile to curvy but vaguely a frown.

“You can leave.”

Derpy left, not thinking to make Zecora go through the ‘I know’ ‘You may leave’ ‘I know’ ‘You should leave’ motions.

“You weren’t rhyming there,” camerapony #2 said.

“Sack me.”

“We will.”

“Fine. Then I’m not doing anything.”

“Good.”

But then there was nothing to do.

“The episode problem with which has been dealt,” Zecora said. “Now there’s nothing to do except watch that snow melt. Here.” She went outside and pointed out a lump of snow which had somehow got there despite snow not having happened yet. “That could be a good saying, I suddenly felt: ‘You know what it’s like? It’s like watching snow melt.’. It’d be a nice change from the one with the grass; mostly for winter, when there’s as not much... grass....”

She blinked.

“Okay, up which I fucked that one. But I made it quite clear that I don’t care. This thing they hold me to just isn’t fair. I know I’m rhyming now, it’s almost a habit. But I—” Zecora got distracted for a second by a bunny. “Aw, look at that cute little rabbit!”

Silence as the bunny hopped away in a vaguely cute fashion.

“I just need to stop. Not stop altogether. But if I did it less frequently, my life would be better. Anyway, I can’t think of any more rhymes, so I’ll go back inside for fun cl... I mean, potion-mixing times. Yes, that’s what I’m doing.”

And so she went back inside.

“Why did you follow me in? I’m just going to mix a potion,” she said, deliberately stressing “potion” correctly so that it wouldn’t rhyme.

“That’s not what you’re gonna do,” camerapony #2 said.

“Go away.”

“I’d like to, but my contract won’t let me.”

“I see.”

Silence.

“So,” camerapony #2 said, “You were going to make a potion?”

“Of course I was. I’ll do it right now.”

Zecora took a couple random bottles of liquid, neither of which anyone knows how to spell, a betaberry, an eszettberry, a releasecanditateberry, a Holy Leaf, and a Seed of the Sun’s Blossom, and put them all in a blender. She took the blender and poured the contents into another blender, then blended them.

“And what will this smoothie do?”

“It’s a potion, and I don’t know. I just threw a bunch of random ingredients together so that I could deliver on my lie.”

“Is there anything that’ll probably happen?”

“Well, I’d probably gain incredible Twilight-level powers for five minutes then explode, but anything could happen.”

“I guess you shouldn’t try it, then.”

Knock-knock!

Zecora decided she was tired of all this joke nonsense and opened the door.

“Captain Obvious?” Zecora said.

“You shouldn’t try it!” said Captain Obvious in a generic superhero voice, his cape waving despite the lack of wind. Zecora slammed the door.

“Is the chapter long enough yet?”

“It’s not long enough for you to not be sacked.”

“Fine. I don’t like this job anyway.”

And then, somewhere in the world, someone coughed.

“Your official letter of release will arrive momentarily,” camerapony #2 said.

The door was knocked and Zecora opened it. It was Derpy, who for some strange reason you’d have to take multiple years in calculus to understand had a letter in her mouth. Zecora took the letter, closed the door, and opened the envelope of the letter.

“Dear Zecora, according to Donald Trump, you’re fired. I mean, according to Donald Trump, I’m fired, Minecraft is fired, and my blankets are fired, but you are indeed actually fired. Eating pineapple pizza with salt and vinegar crisps, rainbowdash1.”

“How do you write and send those so quickly?” Zecora said, thinking she would get an adequate answer.

“Magic.”

“What about Derpy Hooves?”

“Magic.”

“But how—”

“Magic.”

Chapter 134: Lyra the Caretaker

Knock, Derpy, letter.

“Well, cra...” Lyra said. “...Crafting Table. Programme Productions. Octavia!”

Octavia came walking into the room. “Italicised punctuation?”

Lyra hooved her the letter.

“Oh,” Octavia said. “I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

“I still love you. You know, I’m supposed to be the one who begs to you, but you never take advantage of that.”

“Because I want us to have equal roles in the relationship.”

“Fine. Be boring like that.”

“I’m being realistic by doing that. Most relationships are equal.”

“And realism is more important than fun?”

“Yes. And sometimes realism is fun.”

“Well, I know, but not always. It mostly depends on the genre.”

“I’m going to open this envelope.”

“Okay.”

Octavia opened the envelope and found a letter inside. “Dear Lyra... it’s for you.”

The letter was transferred.

“Dear Lyra, Zecora violated her contract, and we’ve picked you to replace her. With love even though you’re obviously a second choice, ctkd.”

Lyra thought carefully and made the decision to kiss Octavia in a fit of passion and excitement.

“Well, that’s much better than I imagined it,” Octavia said after however long the kiss was.

“This makes me think about Pinkie Pie, though. She still doesn’t have a love interest.”

“So? A pony can do fine without a love interest.”

“Name one.”

“I was fine for the time you weren’t a mane character.”

“I guess you’re right.” Lyra seemed to get sadder when she said this, as if saying it had made her realise some horrible truth about herself, which it did.

“What’s wrong? You look sad all of a sudden. And you’re not like me where you look sad by default.”

“It’s just that I’ve always needed somepony to not starve. First it was Bon Bon, and now it’s you. I guess I could always go back to Bon Bon if I needed to, like I’m kind of doing now since you told me to get a job. Actually, if you want to be technical, first it was my parents, but that’s okay since I was young....”

“So? Is that a problem? It’s not like you’re mooching off anypony, except when I told you to get a job which you already mentioned, but I don’t think you’re mooching off me. By the way, is there another word for mooch?”

“Leech? That might be pushing it, but I can’t sponge with anything else.”

“I meant something that sounds more formal.”

“Then no. You’ll have to live with the repetition of mooch. Anyway, the point is that I don’t have any feeling of independence.”

“Do you want something like that?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t like to think I’m weak or something. I guess I don’t really want to live alone, though, I like being with you. I’d rather have that than not.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you enjoy the company of your girlfriend.”

“I do!” Lyra made another kiss ensue. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. Well, I do, I’d live with Bon Bon, but I’m so glad I met you.”

“Can I go back to what I was doing?”

“We do musical times enough, we should snog.”

“That’s not what I was doing, and nymphomaniac.”

“:(”

Chapter 135: Chapter 7

Rainbow Dash was doing some slightly dangerous recreational flying. Don’t worry about the details, they’re not important to the story. Not to imply there’s a story, but you know what I mean. Rainbow almost flew into the side of a brick wall—it wasn’t part of a building or anything, just a random house side-sized brick wall out in some overgrown undeveloped land—which had a plaque reading “Granny Smith Memorial Wall”. Despite the plaque, this wasn’t the wall’s official name; the official name was “7”, with quotes. Rainbow saw a camerapony (not affiliated with us) and a microphonepony on the ground, both standing on a tarp which read “DO NOT LAND HERE”. She decided to touch down on the tarp.

“Told you it work,” said a neon grey stallion with a combover. He was holding a microphone with a big 7 and a smaller “Action Newz” above the 7.

“What’s up?” Rainbow said.

“We’re here to interview you a question,” the microphonepony said.

“‘Kay, I ain’t doin’ anythin’.”

“Good. So, what’s the backstory behind your flying?”

“Backstory? Almost every pegasus flies sometimes.”

“But why do you like it even moar than most pegasi?”

“‘Cause it’s fun.”

“Really? Are you sure there’s not a tragic backstory with a friend you just barely couldn’t save?”

“Yeah. I like it because it’s fun and dangerous and awesome.”

“Are you sure there’s no melodramatic backstory?”

“I’m sure.”

“So you like flying because you like flying and not because of a friend who died?”

“Yeah.”

“But I thought we were in a bad fanfic!”

“We are. Quit denying antecedents.”

“So no tragic backstory?”

Rainbow flew off to Sweet Apple Acres.

“Applejack has a life outside of you,” Big Mac said.

“So she’s apple-bucking?”

“No.”

“Well, what else could she be doing that’s more important than me?”

“If you need sex so badly, then go to Twilight.”

“Fine.”

Rainbow flew off to Twilight’s treehouse.

“Twilight has a life outside of you,” Spike said.

“So she’s studying?”

“No.”

“Well, what else could she be doing that’s more important than me?”

“Reading.”

“But you said—”

“Recreational reading.”

“She’s seriously reading for recreation?”

“She is Twilight, y’know.”

“I’ll just rape her, then.”

Spike closed the door, so Rainbow flew up to the balcony and went inside. Twilight was so engrossed in a book she didn’t hear her.

“Hi, Twilight!”

Twilight turned around. “Rainbow?! How did you get in here?”

“The balcony.”

“Oh. Well, I don’t want anything to do with you right now.”

“I’m raping you.”

“Then I’ll magic you KOed.”

“Fine.”

Twilight magicked Rainbow KOed.

“Power...” Twilight whispered to herself. “I mean, time to go back to my reading.”

Meanwhile, Spike was watching Alpha-X Raiders, a show where a team of five ponies had episodic adventures fighting through unincorporated area to get to the next town, or sometimes the episode would be them staying at a town and solving a problem said town had. Their ultimate goal was, officially, to defeat a villain who doesn’t get any airtime but has vague plans to take over the world, but even though it had been five seasons, there was never any sign of them getting closer to anything. Twilight came into the room.

“Hi, Spike,” Twilight said. “Where’s your telly-watching chips and salsa?”

“Ran out.”

“Oh. I’ll get more next time I’m at Price✓Rong.”

“Cool.”

Twilight levitated a book titled “Why Books are Harmful to the Environment: Volume 7”.

“What’s happening in the show?” Twilight said, giving in to awkwardness.

“The booksmart analytical pony and the streetsmart tough pony are arguing and the blandly heroic and selfless leader is trying to get them to settle their differences.”

“Has the token colt done anything yet besides that one episode that was focussed around him?”

“No.”

Twilight went back to the bedroom.

“Hi, Rainbow,” Twilight said. “Look, I’m sorry, but I still don’t have time for you.”

“Fine. Then I’ll just go to the next pony down the line.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I don’t know.”

“I’m nt goin to cwy,” Fluttershy told herself through a mouthful of popcorn.

“Seriously, leave.”

“Fine. Don’t have to be so pushy about it.”

Rainbow left for something else.

Chapter 137: Pinkie Pie and Applejack: The Two Remaining Mane Characters

“No,” Applejack said whilst branch mining. “We ain’t doin’ Applepah. No matter how awesome its name is, no. The love ah mah lahfe is Rainbow. Ah guess Ah love Pinkie Pah more than Ah love, say, Rarity, but still, ew.”

“No,” Pinkie said whilst waiting for a consumer to appear so something would happen. “We’re not doing Applepie. No matter how awesome its name is, no. The love my life is Ze... I mean... I don’t have anything for Zecora. Nope. Nothing. I don’t need love anyway. But the point is that I don’t love Applejack. Well, I do, in a friendship kinda way, but in terms of romance, ew.”

“One of you’s gotta go over to the other,” camerapony #1 said. “And it’s gonna be you, due to the fact that Pinkie Pie is currently performing an actual occupation, whilst you are playing a video game. Thus, you going to Pinkie Pie would have less of an effect on society.”

“But it’s Mahnecraft.”

“Singleplayer Minecraft.”

“Fine... didn’t you ponies say no more artificial stuffs lahke this?”

“Artificial stuffs are back like CAEB Raspberry, CAEB—”

“Ah get it.”

And so she ventured off for Sugarcube Corner. After an uneventful trip during which no significant events happened, Applejack safely arrived. She made it through the door without accidentally running up it.

“Hi, Applejack,” Pinkie said in her upbeat happy voice, which was also her normal voice.

“Hi. So d’y’know what we’re actually supposed to do?”

“They didn’t tell me anything.”

“Then what’s the point?”

“i dunno lol. Wanna play Dare?”

“What’s ‘Dare’?”

“It’s like Truth or Dare, but without the Truth option.”

“That sounds awesome.”

“It is! So Dare?”

“Huh?”

“Those are your choices. Dare.”

“Oh. Ah pick dare.”

“It’s Dare, and okay. I dare you to... buy something from Sugarcube Corner.”

“What?”

“Business is slow today.”

“Er...” Applejack took a Chocoblock bar from the newly-added sweet shelves, installed as part of stage one of the Cakes’ panicking to keep the business alive, and put it on the counter.

“That’ll be one bit,” Pinkie said. Applejack took a bit and put it on the counter.

“Hmm...” Pinkie said three letters without opening her mouth.

“What?”

“If I put this in the till, then there’ll be more than fifty bits in it.”

“Then Ah Dare ya to put it in.”

“Fine.” Pinkie put it in. “There.”

A pony wearing a balaclava over his head holding a pistol in his mouth burst through the doors. Applejack tried to put her forehooves up, falling over as a result, and Pinkie laid behind the counter and put her hooves behind her head. Robert, as the balaclava pony will be called, went to the counter. He dropped the gun from his mouth and caught it in his leg.

Pinkie got up and opened the till, but Robert found difficulty grabbing the money with a hoof. After thirty seconds of him failing to get any money out, Pinkie sighed.

“I’ll get it for you,” Pinkie said. “Do you have a bank robber bag or something for the money?”

“No.”

“Well, how did you expect to carry all this money?”

“I don’t know....”

“Well, come back with something to put the money in.”

“I will.”

He left the building.

“Well, that’s the closest Ah’ve come to dahin’ since Rainbow an’ Ah had The Incident.”

“‘The incident’?”

“Yep. The Incident.”

Silence.

“You wanna explain what The Incident is?”

“No.”

Silence.

“Ah guess Ah should go now,” Applejack said.

“You can’t go yet,” camerapony #1 said.

“Well, when can Ah go?”

“When I’m told you can go.”

Robert returned, looking the same as before including the gun in his mouth.

“You got somethin’ for the good stuff, hun?” Pinkie said.

Robert took off a balaclava to reveal that he was wearing two of them.

“Cool.”

Pinkie took the baglaclava and began putting the money into it. Applejack walked up to Robert and tried to reach and take the gun out of his mouth. Applejack was perpendicular to him, so it was awkward for her to do. Robert saw Applejack because he had peripheral vision and looked at her, which just made it easier for her to swipe the gun, which she did. The fact that he was holding it in his mouth whilst Applejack was using a hoof helped a bit as well. I mean, don’t get me wrong, hooves aren’t always perfect for holding things, even with bendy legs, but they’re better than teeth. Pinkie dramatically jumped at Robert and sent them both to the floor as Applejack quickly backed up a few steps on three legs, which looked funny but wasn’t really hard.

“Now it’s time to see who you really are,” Pinkie said before taking off the balaclava.

“Old Man Jenkins?!” Pinkie and Applejack said.

Enforcy burst into the room. “We’re looking for a prison esca—hey, you found him! Awesome!” He took a pair of hoofcuffs from under his police cap and cuffed Robert F. Jenkins, as his first and last name and middle initial are.

“You’re going to be spending a long time behind the slammer house,” Enforcy said in a deeper voice than he normally had.

“That’s what you said last time you took me to jail,” Jenkins said.

“Well, shut up,” Enforcy said. “Anyway, Pinkie Pie, Applejack. You’re both true heroes.”

“But we’re already true heroes,” Pinkie said. “And what do you have to do to be a false hero?”

“Well, shut up.”

And so Robert Jenkins was dragged into a police car and sent to prison.

Chapter 138: Ha’llo’we’en Eve, As Well As the Subsequent Day, Ha’llo’we’en

“This isn’t good,” Twilight said.

“What?”

Twilight looked up from her book to confirm that it was Spike. “The prophecy states ‘On the evening of the holiday which is lesser-known than the day before it, the fillies and the colts of the world shall rise the thinking as the undead.’.”

“That sounds like Ha’llo’we’en.”

“What?” Twilight read over the prophecy again. “You’re right, it does. We’re probably fine, then. I wouldn’t know how to prepare anyway.”

“As whom shall I go?” Rainbow said panickedly to Applejack whilst they were still in bed. “I can’t go as Rainbow Factory me again!”

“Ah just woke up three seconds ago.”

“Who am I gonna go as?” Pinkie said to herself. “I can’t go as Cupcakes me again. And I don’t wanna go as some generic ghost or something. What do I do?”

“You’re not going to get scared by anything this time,” Fluttershy said whilst facing a mirror. “It’s all fake. It’s Ha’llo’we’en for Faust’s sakes! Seriously, last year it was like you were π years old. Nopony should ever honestly be scared by a π0-bit costume. And for the love of Faust, Wall, Rogers, and any other god anypony’s ever believed in, do not be that house that gives out baby carrots again. Sure, you weren’t as bad as the pony with the pencils, but there’s still a lot of room for improvement.”

“What should I do?” Rarity said to Sweetie Belle, as nopony at all had made any plans by the morning before Ha’llo’we’en. “Obviously I have to do something different this year, because all the foals hated me. I still can’t figure out what they even hated me for!”

“Just a wild guess, but maybe it was because you were the house that gave out pencils. What you need to give out is sweets.”

“What sweets? There are so many kinds, you know.”

“Well, anything’s a step up from pencils, but get Starburst GummiBursts. They have the highest demand right now, and if you give them out, ponies might actually start to like you.”

“Just in the context of Ha’llo’we’en or in general?”

“Definitely in Ha’llo’we’en, and maybe a little in general.”

“I’ll do that, then.”

Octavia was waitressing and Lyra was cashiering, making Octavia’s house empty. And you know what happens when her house is empty? Nothing, because it’s empty!

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom sat at a table.

“And that’s what I plan to do to Sweetie Belle,” Scootaloo said.

“What.”

“And that’s what I—”

“No, Ah heard, but... you sure she’ll be, y’know, non-traumatahsed after that?”

“Well, somepony has to be traumatised or it removes all the risk of Ha’llo’we’en. It’s supposed to be ‘trick or treat’, not ‘treat’.”

“Yeah, but... can’t you at least do that ta Dahmond or somethin’?”

“I guess, but it won’t work as well. There’s not the factor of betrayal of trust and friendship that it would have if I did it to Sweetie Belle.”

“If you did it to her, there maht be traumatic implications outside ah Ha’llo’we’en.”

“I guess. And it’ll still be a little scary if I do it on Diamond Tiara.”

“Eggsactly!”

“The rice balls worked last time, right?” Twilight said, sporting her typical nervous Twilightness complete with pacing. “Can I just do those again or do I need to do something different? I don’t want them to think I’m lazy or uncreative.”

“The rice balls worked fine,” Spike said, “You can do them again.”

“I hate how they changed them to popcorn balls in the dub.”

“I know, right? Anyway, those worked fine. And why are you so Twilighty about this anyway, weren’t you ever a foal?”

“Of course I was, but times have changed since then.”

“Not really....”

“Well, I guess I’m getting some rice. Perhaps in ball form if I feel lazy.”

“You’re good with sweets,” Diamond Tiara said in a location which she threatened to kill the transcriber there for mentioning, a copse about 250 metres north of her house. “So make a Ha’llo’we’en-related plan.”

“I’m not good with pranks,” Twist said. “All I can tell you about is what sweets are good, which you already know because you’re a foal.”

“Do ponies like peppermint patties this year?”

“No.”

“Then we’ll give out those.”

“What do we have to gain from that?”

“Nothing, but it’s evil.”

“But what’s the point if—”

“Evil!”

“Okay, so your mansion is giving those out, but that still leaves the question of what we’re going to go as.”

“Well, it has to be something evil.”

“That’s not very specific. It’s Ha’llo’we’en, you know. What did you go as last year?”

“Silver. And she went as me. It didn’t cause as much confusion as we had hoped.”

Twist nodded, trying desperately to look anything like professional. “In that case, I have no idea what to do. I’m trying to think of what you’d play well....”

“Are you succeeding?”

“No. I told you, I don’t know anything about non-sweets-related subjects.”

“So neither of us have any idea what to do for Ha’llo’we’en.”

“What should I do?” Butterscotch said whilst looking into a giant mirror, the kind on a stand and shaped like an oval. “Hm, what would scare Big Mac? Nothing would scare him, so I shouldn’t try to base it on that. Wait, that’s it, I’ll go as nothing! Wait, that doesn’t make any sense. But then what should I do? I don’t want to just get some cheap πty-bit costume.”

“I think you’re wearing a pretty good costume right now.”

“Shut your whorish smoking mouth, Arserscotch.”

“The question is if I go back to Ponyville, will nopony try to kill me?” Trixie said. “Well, Twilight saved my life that one time which is part of the reason I love her, but there are the... crazier ones like Rainbow Dash who’d probably—” And then she noticed she was live on television. “—Not meaning I don’t like them or anything, it’s just—”

She saw Rainbow flying towards her and laid facedown. Rainbow landed in front of her.

“so i herd u liek...” Rainbow stopped herself. “I mean, so I heard you don’t like me.”

“It wasn’t meaning I don’t like you, just that you have a rather low threshold for things you consider... death-worthy, if that’s a word.”

“I’m not gonna kill you. Maybe a... minor injury is in order.”

“The way you trailed off before saying ‘minor’ makes me suspect it’s not actually minor.”

“You might be right.”

“I might be?”

“You probably are. Now what kind of a... minor injury should I cause you? I have a few ideas....”

“Does that KA-BAR® combat knife you’ve always had in your hoof but neither of us have mentioned have anything to do with those ideas?”

“Yes. Yes, it does.”

Trixie teleported away.

“Well, fuck.”

Zecora was at Price✓Rong buying the last of the Starburst GummiBursts, probably because they’re the tastiest food overall in the world. She was walking up to a checkout at the moment, and with the time it took the transcriber to type this, she was there now. The sweets she bought included the aforementioned, plus Take 6, “fun” size Snickers, and Twixie.

“That’ll be 12 bytes,” the cashier, Doughier, who also works as a churro salespony, said. Zecora hooved over 12 bytes.

“Thank you for shopping at PriceRong,” Doughier said, forgetting to pronounce the ✓, although to be fair hardly anyone does it anyway. “Please keep your receipt out for viewing.”

“There is no ‘receipt’. What are you talking about? I didn’t get one.”

Doughier tore a receipt out of the receipt-printing thing and hooved it to Zecora. “Have a nice day or else!”

“Or else what?”

“The whereabouts of the last pony who didn’t have a nice day are unknown.”

“That doesn’t matter. What about the last zebra? What happened to them?”

“The only zebra who didn’t have a nice day was found dead in a somewhat scary if you’re young enough forest two hours from now.”

“You know what, whatever. I will not have a nice day. I’ll just leave now.”

Zecora left the building and made it about five metres before stopping.

“Well, mer fucking da,” she said. “Oh, hello there, Rarity. Bad language, I know.”

“Hello, Zecora. I was just coming here to get some ‘GummiBursts’, if I’m remembering the name correctly, since I’ve been informed that they’re popular this year.”

“Um...” Zecora was hoping the bags overflowing with GummiBursts she was carrying wouldn’t arouse any suspicion. “I took some of them, but I saw some were still there, so have fun with that.”

“All right. Do you remember where they were?”

“I don’t remember, but I know some are still there. With work, you’ll find them.”

“Okay. I should actually go in now, so good-by.”

“Bye.”

Unless you want to watch two hours of shopping, let’s go to Zecora again.

“It’s been two hours,” Zecora said. “I’m in my normal forest.” She paused for drama. “I don’t want to die....”

A wolf was heard howling to the full moon. Well, it was actually two days past the day where it’s super extra full, but it’s close enough. The sound of a zebra falling to the ground, which was much like the sound of anything else falling to the ground, was also heard, but it wasn’t Zecora. She looked towards the sound to see her oppositely-sexed evil twin, Zecoro, being pulled by a tentacle rape vine. She promptly ran over to him.

“Zecora!” Zecoro, who was also oppositely coloured from Zecora, said. “Thank Faust you’re here! Help!”

“I don’t think I will. After all you’ve done to me, you think I’d save you?”

“Yes. Look, I know I’ve done some terrible betrayful things, like that time you saved me from that chickatrice and I subsequently tried to stab you in the pancreas, but I’m not like that anymore.”

“But then with team a, the second time I saved you, what’d you try to do?”

“Stab you in the pancreas, I know. But look, I’m not evil anymore. I’ve had a change of heart. And I’m your twin brother, and you’re the good zebra. What moral reason do you have to not save me?”

“But for the third time, with the Hollywood quicksand, you gave that same speech....”

“And then I stabbed you in the pancreas and took all your stuff and you barely made it to the hospital, I know, but I’m not evil anymore. You have to trust me, you’re my twin!”

“It happened three times. I’m not getting fooled again. You can go and die.”

“But Zecora!”

“I’m not helping you. Enjoy your last few minutes. Think about your life.”

“But Zecora!”

Zecora walked away.

“Did they sell out already?” Big Mac said, looking at the place where the GummiBursts were typically located. Fluttershy came up to the spot as a result of a “coincidence” that had been carefully set up by the recording staff the whole time.

“They’re out already?” Fluttershy said in similar disbelief. She noticed Big Mac. “Oh, hello, Big Mac. I didn’t see you, I’m so sorry about that, do you still love me? It’s an expression, I don’t think you still love me, but you understand.”

“Hi, Fluttershy. Did they move them? Because I really expected....”

“So did I. I guess we could ask one of the staff.”

Fluttershy and Big Mac started the great search for an employee, but they just found someone in 8.2 seconds.

“Um...” Fluttershy said with a sufficient level of quietness as to not be heard at all, including Big Mac but not herself.

“Hey,” Big Mac exposited.

The employee turned around. “How can I help you?”

“We’re looking for GummiBursts.”

“Sorry, we’re all out.”

“Already?”

“Yeah. We had about forty or fifty bags left a couple hours ago, but somezebra came and bought them all.”

“Well, that’s just selfish.”

“Sorry... there are still a lot of other selections to select from, though.”

“I guess we—well, I, we’re not together—I’ll find something else.”

“Yeah. Sorry....”

And so Big Mac and Fluttershy went to the first of the eight confectionery aisles. Normally there weren’t that many, but you know, Ha’llo’we’en.

“Why are we still walking together?” Big Mac said.

“I don’t mind it,” Fluttershy said.

Unfortunately, the subsequent searching was surprisingly boring and non-shippy, so who’s next down the coverage line? Looks like Rainbow and Applejack.

“You can’t trick or treat, you’re too old for it,” Applejack said through a mouthful of imitation lettuce.

“Pinkie’s goin’ this year,” Rainbow said through a mouthful of Liechtensteiner chard.

“So? She’s Pinkie Pah, y’know how she is.”

“I know, but I don’t have any plans for givery of sweets.”

“You can stay ‘ere an’ do stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Well, Big Mac’s gettin’ the sweets, so... you could... er...”

“Yeah?”

“...You could hide the eggs tonaht.”

“I’m goin’ to Twilight—”

“You don’t have to go, we can have sex or somethin’. Ah ain’t doin’ anythin’.”

“Mmkay.”

“Maybe they’re in the FynnuVyeara aisle,” Rarity told herself even though she had already looked there thrice.

“Maybe they’re in the FynnuVyeara aisle,” Big Mac said about a completely different sweet.

“Hello,” said Rarity.

“Hi,” and Big Mac with a surprisingly weak answer here.

“I can’t find any GummiBursts.”

“We gave up on that a long time ago.”

“You? I mean the plural you. Stupid English. Anyway, you two are together?”

“Not romantically, but in the context of looking for Ha’llo’we’en candy.”

“I see.”

“That’s offensive to blind ponies.”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Well, you have fun knowing that you could be looking for GummiBursts.” She walked off dramatically.

“Look,” Fluttershy said, pointing towards them, “Xtreem K@ndi Skwairz!”

“lol,” Big Mac said.

And so that’s what they got. Before we go to commercial, here’s a recap.

HA’LLO’WE’EN STATUS PRESENTED BY CAEB

Following success from the previous year, Twilight will once again give out rice balls. Their graphics are expected to be changed into popcorn balls for the North American release.

Applejack is expected to give out Xtreem K@ndi Skwairz. Rainbow, working at the same house as her this Ha’llo’we’en, will be on egg hidification duty; the eggs will most likely contain the various apple-flavoured candies from last year whose spot has been taken by Xtreem K@ndi Skwairz. Decorations will presumably be put up by Applejack and Big Mac.

Fluttershy will also be giving out XKSes, a large step up from the baby carrots of last year.

Pinkie Pie will be going as something.

Octavia is not expected to participate in this year’s Ha’llo’we’en. Rumours exist that Lyra and Bon Bon will be hooving out sweets this year as an advertising ploy.

The Rich residence will field Nyew Yawks just to be annoying. Twist’s house will give out giant expensive candy cigars and feature an egg hunt likely to feature small candy canes.

The Welshtape family are having an egg hunt, with the eggs presumed to contain butterscotch sweets as last year.

Cheerilee has been carefully keeping her programme under wraps, but last year hid eggs containing fruit seeds and sunflower snacks.

Zecora will give out GummiBursts, easily making her the favourite for this year’s Ha’llo’we’en Foals’ Choice Award.

Rarity is still looking in Price✓Rong for GummiBursts.

Level 1: |

Level 2: /\

Level 3: /¯\

Level 4: |O̅|

Fortress Wars: build your empire!

Hello and welcome back to Equestrian Reality Network’s coverage of the 2012 Ha’llo’we’en period in Ponyville, brought to you by CAEB: CAEB turns you into a pegasus. Just some interviews before we end the day:

“What,” said interviewer and baker Chiffon, “Do,” she continued, “You think of the decrease in egg hunts compared to last year?”

“I don’t care,” Scootaloo said. “It’s not a big deal to me, doesn’t really make a difference. I’m really indifferent and neutral on it.”

“Your thoughts, Apple Bloom?”

“Ah kinda wish it was lahke last year. The egg hunts are the best part AhMO, so Ah’m kinda disappointed to see most of ‘em gone. The challenge was always fun, so it’s sad, and Ah kinda wish more of ‘em stayed since they were so fun.”

Chiffon travelled without incident to Rarity’s house/the Carousel Boutique for Sweetie Belle, unless you count nearly tripping off a landslide prevention wall and breaking a leg as incident.

“What do you think of the decrease in egg hunts compared to last year?”

“I am a little disappoint, but if they couldn’t come up with anything then I guess it’s better than having the same ones again. At least there are a few, so they’re not all gone, but still, it’s not as good as before.”

And so we close our broadcast with Zecora looking like the favourite for most liked this Ha’llo’we’en, at least in terms of sweets offered.

THE NEXT DAY!

The Cutie Mark Crusaders had congregated at a place they threatened to kill the transcriber there for specifying, Sweetie Belle’s room.

“Do we have any sort of plan about when to start?” said Sweetie Belle, this year going as Scootaloo.

“I’m waiting until the spaders find out what the best places are,” Scootaloo, this year going as Sweetie Belle, said. “Also, where’s Apple Bloom?”

“Ah’m here,” Apple Bloom, going as an invisible version of herself, said, “Just invisible.”

Diamond Tiara and Twist, meanwhile, were at Diamond’s house.

“When should we leave?” Diamond Tiara, going as herself, said. It was 17:30—now 17:31—and tensions were running low.

“First, we’ll need more tensions,” Twist, going as Silver Spoon, said, “But maybe in fifteen minutes.”

“Where’s your costume?” Twilight said to Spike.

“I’m going as a dragon.”

“...Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re so fucking lazy.”

“That’s not a very nice thing to say to your... well, not foal, but you know.”

“Well, you’re mature enough to be sworn to. Where’s your Ha’llo’we’en bucket?”

“I’ll get it.”

EXPANDING OCTAGON WIPE!

“Good,” Twilight said, seeing Spike with his plastic egg-shaped bucket.

“When should I go out?”

“In 9.8 minutes.”

“So... basically ten minutes?”

“If you want to be twelve seconds late, then sure.”

Meanwhile, Pinkie was in her house, or floor, or flat, or something, where she was wearing a ninja suit covering her not face, an eyepatch, and a shoulder parrot, as well as holding a katana-shaped piece of grey plastic in her mouth. She tried to say something, but ended up dropping the katana instead.

“This’ll do,” she said now that she wasn’t holding anything in her mouth.

Nine minutes and forty-six seconds later!

“You ready?” Twilight said.

“I need the lavatory.”

Afterwards!

“You ready?” Twilight said.

“Let’s do this!”

“You mean you do this? Because I’m staying back here, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Spike left for adventure and sweets, primarily sweets, and ten seconds later Twilight heard a knock on the door. She went down and opened it.

“Trick or treat!” Spike said, holding out his bucket.

“Spike.”

“Fine....”

“Mm mm mm mm-mm,” Twist said, holding about two dozen strands of spaghetti in her mouth, except they were rubber and not spaghetti.

“What?”

Twist dropped them. “I got the tensions.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah. Why, did you expect something else?”

“Don’t talk unless you have something really, really important to say.”

Twist didn’t respond.

“Exactly.”

“Oucheronis,” Apple Bloom said, “That’s mah head!”

“Well, why did you go as somepony who’s invisible?” Scootaloo said.

“‘Cause there are so many possibilities for scariness! All you did was go as Sweetie Belle! An’ Sweetie Belle ain’t scary, look at ‘er. Well, she looks lahke you right now, but you know what Ah mean. Not that you’re scary.”

“But imagine all the hilarious confusion!”

“It didn’t work for Dahmond an’ Silver Spoon.”

“There’s a first time for everything.”

“Bah that logic, the world could just spontaneously blow up, but we know it ain’t gonna.”

“Remember when Virgin blew up?”

“Yeah, but it didn’t just explode for no reason.”

“Whatever. Point is that we’re doing it better than they did.”

“Ah’ll enjoy watchin’ you fail.”

“No, you won’t, because we won’t fail.”

“You’ll see.”

“You’ll see.”

“So so far,” Spike said, looking towards the camera and walking, “I’ve gotten an Xtreem K@ndi Skwair, a Now and Fucking Forever, and a tame berry Starburst. I hope I get something other than candy squares next house.”

Spike went over to the next house without tripping. On the porch was a large silver bowl filled with Sky Squairs, next to which stood a caret-shaped piece of paper reading “TAKE ONE”. Spike walked up and, after considering pouring the entire bowl into his basket, took one.

“Fucking candy squares,” he grumbled under his breath.

“The time is now,” Diamond Tiara said. Twist considered replying with something like “Well, duh, how could it not be now?”, but remembered the no speech rule. They put on their bags and set off. Due to the aforementioned rule, there was no banter between them.

“Welperdoozerywhatsiteroniflakingtons,” Scootaloo said, “Now seems like a good time to go.”

“Based on what?” Apple Bloom said.

“Based on the fact that it’s 5:47.”

“An’?”

“If you need more of a reason than 5:47, I don’t even know who you are.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’ve never felt more content with myself in my life.”

“You ready, Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom said.

“On one condition,” Sweetie Belle said.

“What?”

“I don’t know, that felt dramatic.”

And so the CMC set off for confectionery. Usually when they set off, it was for adventure, but not this time.

Generic Pony opened the door.

“Trick or treat!” Spike said in the cutest voice he could muster.

Generic Pony put a prophecy cookie (wrapped) in the bucket.

“ty!” Spike said in the cutest voice he could muster before leaving the premises. “W00t!” he said with a capital W. “Not a candy square!”

“I can’t believe she gave you a pack of GummiBursts,” Scootaloo said.

“‘Cause Ah’m awesome,” Apple Bloom said.

“Should we go to the house on top of that really steep hill this time?” Sweetie Belle said.

“They had rice balls last tahme. What do you think, Scootaloo?”

“I think it’s worth it.”

“You always think stuff’s worth it.”

“Because it is. Whenever you don’t do something, you always wish you did after we go back home.”

“Ah guess you’re raht.”

Twist looked at Diamond Tiara for a moment, still getting used to not talking.

“And you’re still lahke ‘thank ya’ even when it’s pencils or somethin’,” Apple Bloom said. “Whah do we gotta do that?”

“Because it’s polite,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Yeah, fahne, whatever, but what would happen if Ah actually said ‘fuck you’ or somesuch lahke resemblin’ that?”

“I don’t know, but don’t do it. It’s a basic social rule.”

“Well, Ah’m gonna xkcd Freedom it up tonaht.”

“That sounds like a bad idea.”

“You sound like a bad idea.”

“What?”

“Ah dunno.”

Meanwhile at Spike, a sign on someone’s lawn stated “Seeking of egg is to be found here.”. He assumed that meant he should check the inside of every single thorn-ridden bush there for eggs, which he was currently doing, when in fact all of the eggs had already been taken by earlier trick-or-treaters.

“You’re wearing the same costume from last year?” Arserscotch said in the standard bored apathetic female teenager voice.

“It’s pretty much the same. The only thing that’s different is underneath my hat.”

“Well, what’s the point if nopony can see it?”

“It keeps the hat stabler, which helps my aerodynamics and lets me walk with less effort.”

“You’re weird....”

“True, but not for the reasons you’re thinking of.”

“Fine!” Scootaloo said to Apple Bloom, stomping on the ground, which slightly disrupted her walking for a moment. “We’ll just do a segment without you! Hey, Sweetie Belle!”

“What?”

“How’s the weather?”

“I don’t know, it feels like it’s around ten degrees. 10% chance of precipitation.”

“That’s very interesting.”

“No, it’s not.”

“I know....”

“See?” Apple Bloom said.

“Fine,” Scootaloo said, “You win. Hey, should we do the arduous journey to Zecora?”

“Ah hear she has GummiBursts.”

“Well, there’s your answer.”

“Where are they?” Spike said. “They can’t all be gone already, can they?”

“What’s with all the candy squares this year?” Diamond Tiara said.

Walking continued.

Diamond Tiara turned to Twist. “You’re good with sweets. Why are there so many candy squares this year?”

Twist didn’t answer.

Diamond sighed. “Silver picked up on this so much faster. More quickly. You’re supposed to answer me when I axe you a question.”

“I don’t know what the deal is with the candy squares, okay?”

“I thought you were supposed to know everything about sweets and sweetal history.”

“I’m eight or something.”

“Fine.”

And so with nothing happening foalwise, let’s go over to Twilight.

“Still got the same Dumbledore costume from last year?” transcriber #4 said.

“So?”

“Meh, I’ll forget to imagine it anyway.”

“You’re here.”

Let’s try Rainbow and A... oh Faust, ew, okay, let’s not try them.

“So Applejack abandoned you and now you’re stallioning the sweets?” camerapony #1 said.

“Eeyup.”

“Trick or treat!” said Pinkie Pie.

“You’re sixteen,” said Twilight.

“So? You’re never too old for trick-or-treating!”

“Yes, you are, and you’re too old for it.”

“Come on! Just give me the rice ball!”

“No.”

“Fine. Everypony else seems fine with me.”

Pinkie stormed off before Twilight could teach her the value of thinking for yourself, or whatever she was going to do.

“What?” Twilight, who had a decent view of the transcriber’s laptop, said. “I wasn’t going to do anything like that.”

“Sure you weren’t.”

“I wasn’t!”

“Suuure you’re weren’t.”

Twilight’s horn started glowing.

“If you could not kill me, that would be great for myself and your criminal record! Please.”

“Tricker-treat!” Diamond and Twist said simultaneously, as you do. Usually, this was followed by the adult trying to pick up a tiny piece of candy with a hoof for thirty seconds, but she was a unicorn, so it wasn’t a problem.

“thx!” they said simultaneously before walking off for the next house.

“So I accused her of argument from authority,” Rainbow said to a very bored-looking Applejack, “And she was like ‘no, you’re using undue weight’ so then—”

But then something more interesting happened, namely the CMC coming home. Well, it was only home for Apple Bloom, but oh well.

“Hey, bro,” Apple Bloom to said Big Mac, who was still outside.

Big Mac didn’t respond, then Apple Bloom knocked the door. Not meaning those are related or anything. But you know what is related? Think about this: As the number of wind turbines on Earth has increased, so has the average temperature. And governments still say they inhibit global warming. There’s clearly some bribery of some form going on from the wind turbine companies to the governments of major countries.

“You okay, Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo said.

“I’m fine,” Sweetie Belle said. “I know that was a huge fall, but nothing hurts.”

“Cool,” they both said. “I’m gonna see what my eggs have.”

“...You know you’re talking all synchronised, right?”

“Yeah.”

Candy dumping ensued.

Meanwhile, Diamond Tiara and Twist were going through something similar. They went up to the door and Diamond noticed something.

“The bowl of Yawks is just like it was before.”

“None of them were taken,” Filthy Rich said.

“What?!”

“None of them were taken.”

“Why would nopony come here? They’d get sweets. Foals like sweets! I can’t believe every foal in Ponyville did this.”

“One came,” Filthy Rich said before entering a flashback.

“Tri—” the colt stopped himself once he realised what was in the bowl. “Oh. Never mind.” He walked off.

“Unbelievable!” Diamond Tiara said, stomping a hoof for release.

“Sorry, but there isn’t anything I could do.”

“It’s okay,” she said, contradicting the hoof-stamping from earlier. “I still have sweets. You can’t be a foal, sad, and eating sweets all at the same time.”

“What if you got a phonecall saying Silver Spoon just died?” Twist said.

“Well, okay, but I wasn’t being literal.”

Big Mac bargèd in without knocking, holding the bowl in... uh... holding the bowl, which had one remaining sweet left in it, a mentally draining size Mystery Bar of Mysterious Flavour Mystery. MBsMFM had twenty flavours: aerosol cheese, CAEB, dummied early flavour, durian, fire, glue, lemon, mixed wild berry, MBMFM, Mylar, not strawberry, oolong, pink, poorly-cooked spinach, RageCandyBar, salt, the pain of rejection, unbuttered popcorn, victory, and water. You had a worse than even chance of getting something good, but they were still really popular for some reason. He placed the bowl on the table.

“I’m not dumb enough to like MBMFMs,” Scootaloo said, note the incorrect pluralisation, “So one of you can have it.”

“Meh,” Apple Bloom said.

“I’ll take it,” Sweetie Belle said. “Wimps.”

“Watch your language,” Apple Bloom said with extremely overdone sarcasm.

Sweetie Belle bit half the white chocolate-coated MBMFM, which turned out to be pain of rejection-flavoured. She immediately teared up.

“Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom said. “Whah are you sweatin’ through your ahs?”

“I got rejection,” Sweetie Belle said between sobs.

“It’s okay,” Scootaloo said, “You’ll find another—”

“I don’t want another chocolate bar, I want the delicious nougat and suspiciously-textured filling of MBsMFM.”

Big Mac threw a smoke bomb and disappeared.

“Look, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said, “We know you love MBsMFM, but you gotta move on from this. Maybe you’ll find somesweet else you like just as much.”

“Well... I have been feeling something for GummiBursts recently....”

“Hey!” Scootaloo said, stomping a hoof. “GummiBursts is mine. Hooves off.”

“Oh, please. She never loved you, she’s said so very clearly.”

“Did you even hear how she keeps saying it? She’s totally in denial.”

“That’s just what you’re telling yourself. You know she doesn’t have any feelings for you. Either way, you’re not officially in a relationship, so who are you to say who she can see?”

“Fine. It’s not like it matters that much since she’ll never love you.”

“We’ll see.”

“Yes, we will.”

“You have fun with your art you don’t have the talent for.”

“You have fun with your Spanish you’ll never learn.”

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo walked away in different directions.

One, two, three, four, knock-knock on Twilight’s door.

Twilight got the door; as she expected, ‘twas Spike.

“Hello,” she said, “What was your night like?”

“It was fun,” Spike said, with a full bucket. “There were three, four houses left, but I was like fuck it, I can’t carry more and I have enough. Rice balls and trauma and candy and stuff.”

“Trauma?” she said, with minor concern. “What happened to you? Let me guess, did you learn?”

“Very funny,” he said, before arrow and knee, “But it’s sad what ‘trick’’s meant since 2003. It used to be give us candy or it’ll mean drama, but now it’s the adults; we get candy or trauma. They’re supposed to be the ones threatened, not us. I know, minor thing, and I’m making a fuss....”

“You do have a point, I have to agree. I don’t like it as much since 2003. It used to be ‘trick’ meant ‘I’ll mess up your yard’, as opposed to now, where a filly is scarred. Like you said, the tricks should be at the adults, not the fillies. Just thinking what happens to some of them gives me a nervous feeling....”

“I’m glad you agree with me, but what can we do? I’m not coming up with something out of the blue.”

“Well, we have a year, so there’s hardly a rush. Hey, do you know what happened to the longish manebrush?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“Hey, Dahmond,” Apple Bloom said facing the camera, “Check this out.” She raised up a coral pink strand of rubber about sixteen centimetres long and two in diameter.

“An elevension?!” Diamond Tiara, having the chapter on during her sweets-eating, said. “That bitch! Can you believe that, Twist?”

“What’s an elevension?”

Diamond rolled her eyes. “You don’t know?”

“I’m eight or ten or something, I’m allowed to not know things.”

“It’s like a tension, but ridiculous and unfunny.”

“Wouldn’t that make tensions better?”

“No. Do you know anything about sions?”

“I know what a tension is.”

“That’s it?”

“I didn’t even know there were other kinds.”

Diamond sighed dramatically. “Why did I ever replace Silver for you....”

“Because—”

“I don’t need to be reminded, it was a rhetorical question.”

“,”  said.

“,”  said.

“.”

“?”

“.”  performed an action.

“.”

“Nom,” Spike said.

“Nom,” said Apple Bloom.

“Om nom,” Scootaloo replied.

“Maybe this would be a good time to end the chapter,” transcriber #1 told base.

“Nom,” Twist said.

Chapter 139: Battle of the Sexes

“Starting chapter 139,” transcriber #1 said in a vaguely official voice, “‘Battle of the Sexes’.”

“Not that I’m complaining,” Pinkie Pie said whilst playing Glitch Wars: Tainted Honour, known as グリッチウォーズ3~けつばんのリターン in Japan, “Okay, I am just a little, but even though it’s on my side, I have to admit that that seems a little unfair to hold in Ponyville. Can’t you do it in a different city with an evener gender ratio?”

“It doesn’t matter for you anyway, you’re not on the team.”

“That’s like saying it doesn’t matter for you who wins a sports thing because you’re not on any of the teams. Well, it doesn’t matter, but it fucking matters.”

“So what’s the plan?” Spike said over a table at a cheaper version of Focaccia Shack.

“Lose,” Big Mac said. “How can we beat AJ, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash in a fight?”

“I think we should surrender the second the fight starts to avoid any trips to the hospital,” Carrot Cake said.

“We can’t give up that easily!” Spike said, even though they totally could. “Big Mac, you can beat Applejack in a fight, right?”

“I don’t know, we’ve never fought each other.”

“Well, we’ll find out today. I’ll take on Twilight and scratch her a lot, then she’ll surrender.”

“What about Rainbow Dash?” Carrot Cake said.

“You’ll distract her,” Spike said. “So at the end of round one, it’ll be me and Big Mac up against Rainbow Dash.”

“And then?”

“...I don’t know. But it’s two against one, so we can probably wrap around... um... yeah. Fuck.”

“What’s the plan?” Rainbow and Applejack said to Twilight over a table at Focaccia Shack.

“Rainbow will fly up holding me so I can’t get hit or related events whilst I’m preparing the magic to OHKO them, then I’ll perform the magic and we’ll win.”

“What about me?” Applejack said.

“We don’t need you,” Twilight said. “As long as I can’t get hit, we’ll win.”

“We don’t need me,” Rainbow said. “You could do some fancy defensive magic if you wanted.”

“They could hit me whilst I’m casting it, which goes back to you holding me.”

The next hour, Team World-Saviours and Conglomeration Masculists met at Granny Smith Memorial Park, as Sandy River Playground had recently been renamed. It was, in many respects, an ordinary playground. Swings here, jungle gymnasium there, platforms with a slide over that way, but what we’re concerned with is the grassy open field between all those things.

“In the green corner,” Commentatory commentated, “Weighing in at three worldwide heroes, Team World-Saviours! And in the yellow corner, weighing in at however heavy two stallions and a baby dragon are, Conglomeration Masculists!”

“You ponies’re goin’ down into Hell,” Spike said, pointing downwards to illustrate his point.

“We’re going the exact opposite of that direction,” Rainbow said. “Literally.”

“Three... two... one... RUMMMMBLLLLE!”

Rainbow wrapped her forelegs around Twilight and flew upwards. Spike, Big Mac, and Carrot Cake all proceeded to mob Applejack. Spike scratched her and Applejack kicked Spike really hard in the head, KOing him. Big Mac did the same thing to Applejack, knocking her out, immediately before he and Carrot Cake got metaphorically fried by Twilight.

“One... two... three... you’re out! Team World-Saviours are the winners!”

Rainbow came down with Twilight and, unfortunately for Twilight, stopped holding her. The World-Saviours’ victory is our Staples Easy Task of the Week.

“That was fun,” Rainbow said. “What now?”

Twilight started kissing Rainbow, but Rainbow pushed her away and Twilight decided to be nice for once and let her go.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight said.

“Why would I do anything with you when AJ’s right over there?”

“Because she’s unco... oh, I see what you mean, that does sound hot. Can I watch?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“There’s one over there.” Twilight pointed to an animatronic Wynaut riding a swing.

“What’s that doing there?”

“I don’t know.”

Rainbow pulled Applejack from the pile of males who bravely gave their consciousness for a battle they knew they had no chance at, which for some reason makes it heroic and not just temeritous, got down, and started passionate holding and passionate kissing. That went on for a fun to play while, then Applejack woke up. She was ready to freak out if need be, but opened her eyes and saw it was Rainbow. She was so still that Rainbow didn’t even notice. Oh, Twilight? Um, don’t worry about her. She was staring at Sandy River. The park was actually named after the late Sandy River, but coincidentally, its eastern border is defined by Sandy River, named for the fact that it’s lined with sand. Anyway, Applejack started holding Rainbow and giving lingual feedback, which freaked her out a bit. She made a quick “aah” and got up.

“Hey, AJ,” Rainbow said.

“Did Ah scare ya?”

“I was a little surprised, maybe even startled, but not really scared.”

“You were scared.”

“No, seriously, I wasn’t. I was actually kinda relieved with my girlfriend waking up and all.”

“Oh. But Ah startled you?”

“I guess.”

“w00t!” Applejack got up. “Ah startled Rainbow Dash! Ah’m awesome!”

“You were already the awesomest pony in existence.”

“No, that’s still you.”

“You don’t have to be like that, you’re a better pony than me.”

“No, there’s a reason you think you’re better than everypony else in the world, an’ it’s ‘cause you are.”

“You’re better than me and nothing will ever make me think otherwise.”

“You’re better than me an’ what you just said.”

Silence.

“So what now?” Rainbow said.

“What about Big Mac an’ Spahke an’ Carrot Cake?”

“They’ll wake up. Let’s get Twilight.”

They walked over to Twilight.

“Hey, Twilight,” Rainbow said.

There was no response; Twilight seemed to be entranced by the river. Rainbow gently touched her, which didn’t work, then she pushed her really hard and made her fall over, which did work.

“Whaaaa...?” Twilight said. She got up. “Rainbow? Applejack? Where am... wait, I remember, we were doing the battle, then you started snogging with her, then I came to this river, then you pushed me down, then I

said—”

“Twilight!” Rainbow tried to snap.

“Right. Um, thank you. I don’t know what happened.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You’re Twilight!”

“I probably have a book about it since I have a book about everything, but I don’t know.” This was not referring to The Book About Everything, a one-volume encyclopedia in print requiring two layers of magnifying glasses to read, though she does own that.

“Well, then I guess we can go to our respective homes now.”

“What’s your respective home?”

“A cloud. Not like a specific one, just a cloud.”

Chapter 27: Mersenne Prime Shipping

“3x7,” Rainbow Dash said.

“I agree,” Twilight said. “Now fuck me so hard that I’ll regret asking you to fuck me so hard that I would regret asking you to.”

“We’re both female, but I’ll see what I can do.”

“Did you just say ‘female’? That’s an unRainbowish word.”

“So?”

“I don’t know. Why aren’t we having sex yet?”

“Just be patient, we need to talk about stuff first.”

“But we already talked about stuff. Not that I don’t like talking with you, but we need to follow the natural progression of our time together.”

“Well, we need to talk or we’ll lose our jobs.”

“I don’t think we’re on the brink of job loss.”

“Y’know, one more won’t hurt....”

“Okay, but we don’t have anything to talk about. The subject at hoof is nothing.”

“Or do we?”

“No, we don’t.”

“Then we’ll just have to swear and commit violence a lot.”

“Why can’t we have sex? That’s non-foal-friendly.”

“What’s with you tonight?”

“Usually I’d just rape you, but you complain about it sometimes so I’m trying to stop.”

“I have noticed you’ve been a little less...” Rainbow put a hoof under her chin, “Rapy... lately....”

Twilight and Rainbow were walking along a generic forest path when Twilight grabbed Rainbow and sent them both to the ground.

“I don’t want to have sex right now,” Rainbow said.

“Oh,” Twilight said. “Sorry.” She stopped holding Rainbow and they both got up.

“Rainbow?” Twilight waved a hoof in front of Rainbow’s face. “Are you okay?”

“What?” the for the previous several seconds catatonic Rainbow said. “Oh, sorry. I was having a flashback.”

“Oh. So now?”

“Be patient, okay? We need a few more minutes of filler.”

“But there’s nothing to talk about.”

“Or is there?”

“No, there isn’t.”

“Then we’ll just have to swear and commit violence a lot.”

LATER!

“Be pa—” said Rainbow.

“I’m sick and tired of this. Not meaning I’m ill and I’m tired of this—”

“I know.”

“My point is, it’s not like we’re getting anywhere.” Twilight sat down with her back against the lower bunk of the bunkbed. “Just pleasure me. Well, don’t pleasure me. Not as in I don’t want to enjoy it, but using the word ‘pleasure’ in that context makes me feel pervy.”

“But you are.”

“Do sexual things to me or I’m going to hurt you with magic.”

“That sounds immoral. I could’ve sworn you saved the world just a couple of years ago, and now you’re threatening me with violence if I don’t have sex with you?”

“Well, anypony would save the world if they had to, seeing as how an intact world would benefit them.”

“The point is you’re supposed to be good and stuff.”

Rainbow felt a light constricting feeling on her neck. Not anything breathing-threatening, but she could definitely feel it.

“I get the point,” Rainbow said. She took a couple steps over to Twilight and ██████ed her ████████.

“Fuck, that feels good,” Twilight said generically. Seriously, that could apply to anything good. Even outside of sex. She closed her eyes and put a hoof on Rainbow’s head. “Secular fuck....”

Oh, here’s a tweet from kevin20: “this has never happened before”. Okay, smarthindquarters, tell you what: you have a good point. So never mind. But it’s not like it’s my fault everyone in Ponyville does the same two things every day. Anyway, whilst that goes on, we’ll take a commercial.

Have you ever been watching a show when it suddenly or unsuddenly gets interrupted by a string of advertisements? The guys on the inside call this a “commercial break”, and believe it or not, there’s a way to completely avoid them with shows you don’t watch live. Our patent pending technology

To ask why modest Pokémon have higher Special Attack then docile ones is to ask why the leaves fall: it is in their nature. Get it? Because... and... never mind.

Have you ever been watching a show when it suddenly or unsuddenly gets interrupted by a string of advertisements? The guys on the inside call this a “commercial break”, and believe it or not, there’s a way to completely avoid them with shows you don’t watch live. Our patent pending technology known as a “DVR” wi

“Rainbow...” Twilight said, her eyes tightly closed. “I’m... going... to... AOEFUUHGOQEWIA!”

Licking ensued. Well, that’s what was going on before, but you know what I mean. During heavy breathing on both sides, Rainbow said something.

“Hey, Twilight,” Rainbow said, heavily breathing between words.

“What?” Twilight said immediately after and before taking a heavy breath.

“Remember when it was a reasonable possibility,” Rainbow took a break to breathe, “That there was life on Walmart?”

“Yeah,” Twilight breathed, “Why?”

“I dunno, just leading up to the next commercial.”

“Oh.”

Can YOU name the five, formerly six, planets of the SureFire system? [Exaggerated, blatantly fake sigh] I bet you don’t even know what that is, Earthan! SureFire is the name of the star around which Hasbro orbits. Besides Hasbro, the other five planets are Tostitos, the Mercury analogue, Walmart, the Mars analogue, Shell, the Jupiter analogue, Purina, the Uranus analogue, and Virgin, which was very similar to Pluto until it was blown up by a mad scientist in 2006. But you would’ve already known all that if you used our Crystal Ball future prediction kit! Here’s how it works: you ask it a question—like “am I going to get a puppy for Faustmas this year”—and it gives an answer!

The scene changed to a black box on a couch. The box was about thirty by fifteen centimetres and featured an electronic display and a keyboard. A colt who had been there the whole time but I was too busy describing the Crystal Ball future prediction device typed “will i get a pupy for faustmas this year”. He pressed return, and the display changed to “SYNTAX ERROR”.

It even comes with a 5×5cm picture of a bouncy ball!  So how much would you pay for the Crystal Ball future prediction kit? A hundred bits? Five hundred bits? Ten thousand bits?! Well, the actual retail price of the Crystal Ball future prediction kit is only fifty bits! Shipping and handling not included. So if your foals want to know the future, as I’m sure they do, surprise them this Faustmas with the Crystal Ball future prediction kit. The Crystal Ball future prediction kit: it’s a guarantee.™

“Y’see, Twilight,” Rainbow said whilst Twilight did a somewhat terrible job of eating her out, “I know, that’s offensive to blind ponies, but what am I supposed to say? You know? I can’t say ‘you know’ every single time. That’s ridiculous! Oh, um, you’re doing a good job. Not really, you actually kinda suck at this. That wasn’t a pun. Well, it was, but that wasn’t what I was thinking. I guess that’s why you say no pun intended. It’s a lot more literal than I first realised.”

Twilight raised her head. “Could y—”

Rainbow forced Twilight’s head back to its previous position. She didn’t have a hoof on Twilight before, but she was going to be very pushful about it now. Does someone’s head have a gender? Things have genders, but none of their individual parts do. Maybe you could consider sex-specific parts to. So if something dies, does it not have a sex anymore? That kind of makes sense, right? Am I thinking about this too much?

“Whatever you were about to say,” Rainbow said, “No, I couldn’t.”

Twilight tried to do something again, but Rainbow kept her down. Twilight’s horn started glowing. Not as in it has a mind of its own, as in she made it do that.

“Go ahead,” Rainbow said. “Hurt Rainbow Dash.”

Twilight wasn’t actually doing anything, she was just making her horn glow, and so she continued.

“You gonna do anythin’?”

Twilight stopped the glowing.

“That’s what I oh fuck,” Rainbow said, “Keep doing that. Not that, you fucking—yeah, oh fuck okay I’m gonna... not there, for fuck’s sakes, what’s wrong with you? Where you... fuck, yeah, right there, that’s—no, why—yes. Yes. Yes. That’s faaaahhhhck!”

Twilight ate the cum that was almost as delicious as Del Monte pineapples and looked up at Rainbow. Twilight looked a little tired, which she wasn’t and she just tried to fake it because it was hot, and Rainbow looked a little disappointed with her performance for the same reason.

“You heard what I was saying,” Rainbow said. “You were complete fucking shit.”

“I know....”

“I say that like I expected something different, but you know.”

“I know I know.”

“Try again.” She shoved her head back down, Twilight never to get that she actually really liked it and was just being hot. Spike entered the room.

“Twilight, I—” he said. “Oh fuck, okay.”

He left. Which was unfortunate, as something might’ve otherwise happened.

Chapter 13E: Mane Character For a Foreseeable Future Episode I Forget

From Programme Productions in Chill Edge, it’s Equestria’s game!

WHEEL!

OF!

FORESEEABLE FUTURE!

Applause happened and slowly died down.

“Yo,” Pinkie Pie said, “And welcome to Mane Character For a Foreseeable Future, the only show to officially hold the position that expressivism, whilst true, is completely useless to society! Now let’s meat our contestants!

“Behind this podium, weighing in at approximately one Lyra weight, sweet shop employee of some variety Lyra!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“And behind this podium, assistant to Twilight Sparkle Spike!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“And behind this podium, co-owner of Sugarcube Corner Carrot Cake!”

The crowd cheered.

“Now here’s how the game works: I’ll be asking seven questions. The first six will be worth one thousand bits, and the last will be worth fifteen hundred bits. Whoever has the highest score at the end wins. In the event of a draw, Butterscotch will be declared the winner. Now who’s ready for some quiz?”

The audience cheered.

“Come on, you can do better than that!”

The audience cheered wildly.

“Not you, I was asking the contestants. Anyway, here’s your first question.”

All of the studio’s lights went dark, except for a long, somewhat dim, and flickering fluorescent one which faintly illuminated the three podiums from the high studio ceiling.

“First question,” Pinkie said. “The arboretum—”

Spike rang in.

“Spike!”

“1492!”

“Correct!”

The lights all came back on, and the audience cheered wildly.

“That’s a thousand points for Spike. We’ll be back after these important messages. The important messages are that it’s time for the next question and that a dimmer switch is being installed for one of the lights in my house... type... flat... situation. Next question! This year is famous for being the subject of the popular book Robots Take Over Hasbro.”

Lyra rang in.

“Lyra!”

“2941.”

“Correct! This next question is a Video Challenge, meaning you may not use any of the letters in the word ‘video’ in your response. For 1,000 points, the play ‘Hamlet’ is named after which of its characters?”

Lyra rang in.

“Lyra!”

“Wait, um, never mind, that wouldn’t work.”

“Any other guesses?”

Time passed.

“Nopony provided a correct response,” Pinkie said. “The next qu—fuck, paper cut! Fuck, um, fuck, it’s bleeding. Just a minute.”

One technical difficulties screen later, and five minutes of awkward worrying later for everyone at the studio, and Pinkie was back with a Band-Aid® brand adhesive bandage on her hoof. Or leg. It can be hard to tell. “And we’re back. Now, question num—fuck!”

Five minutes later, Pinkie returned with another bandage on her hoof.

“Question number four...” she said, slowly and carefully taking the card, “This katakana is even happier than shi.”

Time passed.

“The answer is tsu,” Pinkie said. “I hope you’re all proud of yourselves. Okay, question five. jk, it’s commercial time.”

Have you ingested water in the past three days? If so, you could be vulnerable to HBF, also known by its full name, ‘healthy brain function’. All sufferers of HBF eventually die after contracting it. Don’t be part of the statistic that everyone will read and get sad about for one brief moment. Just remember: when you drink water, you’re drinking HBF.

“Welcome back,” Pinkie said. She had about twenty slices of American “cheese” melting on a grill. They had been there for the past couple minutes, and everyone was waiting for someone else to ask the obvious question.

“Uh, Pinkie?” Spike said.

“Yeah?”

“Whatcha got there?”

“18+ hot singles. Anyway, it’s time for round five: the Pluto Is Not Effin’ A Planet, Ponies (Like Eris), Jeez, Understanding It’s Completely Easy group flash mobbed what museum, resulting in eleven fact and two grammar corrections?”

Silence.

“No answers? Faust, you ponies, um, and dragon are idiots. Well, I shouldn’t say that. Maybe you’re like Rainbow where you’re book dumb but you’re good at other kinds of smartness like planning and stuff. Not solely short-term planning, that’s just an example. Anyway, the correct answer is Celestial Body Adventure Land. Okay, question six, you morons: If Jimmy joins Champ Car in 1992, wins the title four years later, and eventually retires then becomes the owner of a racing team, when was he born?”

Carrot Cake rang in.

“Carrot Cake?!”

“1492.”

“1492? He joined in 1992. No.”

In which Spike rang.

“Spike Donington Sparkle!”

“My name’s just Spike.”

“What’s your answer?”

“1965.”

“That’s right! It’s Spike 2,000, Lyra 1,000, Carrot Cake nil. Now who’s ready for the final question? Good! This question must be answered Jeopardy-style: if you were on Jeopardy! and the correct answer was “What Is Love”, what would be the correct response?”

Meanwhile, Appledash sex, Fluttershy collecting Bacaberries, and Scootaloo wondering how she was going to confess to the world. No, it’s not about love.

“Still nopony?” Pinkie said. “For fffaust’s sakes. Anyway, the answer is what is what is What Is Love. So at the end of round one of one, Spike wins with 2,000 bits!”

The audience cheered as balloons and confetti fell from the ceiling. Pinkie and Spike went to the centre of the game show floor.

“For an additional 18,000 bit ones,” Pinkie said, “Recite π to the 32nd digit.”

“Uhhhh...” Spike said, “Three... point... one four... um, I give up.”

“That’s okay! You still have 2,000 bits minus taxes!”

“w00t!”

“Welperwhatsiteronidoozingstickflakes, see you next time on...”

“MANE CHARACTER FOR A FORESEEABLE FUTURE!”

Chapter 140: The Octavia, and the Applejack.

“The Octavia?” Octavia said. “As far as I know, I’m the only Octavia here, but putting an article before my name is treating me like some kind of animal.”

“We are animals,” Lyra said. “Taxonomy and all.”

“You know what I mean.”

The exact same conversation happened at Sweet Apple Acres, but with Applejack, and Big Mac or Apple Bloom. Doesn’t really matter who.

“How are we going to end up meeting?” Octavia said. “I don’t plan to be going anywhere.”

“She could be coming to you.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because a staff told her to.”

“They said they weren’t doing that anymore. I know that later they said they were resuming it, but it seemed to be for just that one time.”

“Well, if you’re not going anywhere, then obviously she’s coming here.”

“What if the staff made a plan and it’s failing?”

“I guess that’s possible. I mean suppose. I suppose, not guess. Don’t break up with me.”

“I’m not going to break up with you because you said ‘guess’ instead of ‘suppose’.”

“Sure, not this once, but it’ll all pile up. A ‘guess’ here, a ‘hi’ there, a maybe instead of perhaps off the port bow, and before you know it I’ll just be a fleshy mass of slightly informal language.”

“It’s okay, Lyra. That’s not even how you normally talk.”

“But what if it is? What if I’m regressing back to my personality from then, the earlier years? I can’t be like that again!”

“You’ve always been a little vague about what exactly was wrong with you besides just being less fancy, and you’ve never actually given many examples of that.”

“Don’t leave me.” Lyra started hugging her. “I love you.”

“I’m not going to break up with you because you said ‘guess’ instead of ‘suppose’.”

“Sure, not this once, but it’ll all pile up.”

“Soooo...” Applejack said, “Ah guess she’s comin’ to us?”

“Ah guess,” Apple Bloom said.

“Why’d she come, though?”

“‘Cause a staff’d tell ‘er ta.”

“They don’t do that anymore. Well, they did once, but that was a one-tahme thing.”

“Well, you ain’t goin’ anywhere, so she must be comin’ ‘ere.”

“Ah guess. Hey, B—where’s Big Mac?”

“Ah... don’t know....”

“Did you see ‘m leave?”

“No.”

“Ah didn’t hear anythin’....”

“Me neither....”

There was a loud firm thing hitting the ground sound behind the door. Applejack opened the door and saw a package on the ground, as well as Derpy Hooves flying away, as well as the various things you’d usually see such as grass and trees. Applejack took the package in her... took the package and placed it on the thing.

“It’s for Big Mac. Prolly another sacrifahce. Ah’m gonna see if he’s in ‘is room.”

“Kayperwhatsits.”

Applejack went up the treacherous stairs of doom and knocked on the appropriate door. Big Mac answered it.

“What?” Big Mac said as if Applejack had interrupted something extremely unimportant, which was indeed the case.

“You got a sacrifice.”

Applejack and Big Mac went down the stairs.

“Do you have the package knife?” Big Mac said.

“No. Hey, Apple Bloom, get the package knife.”

“You’re the caregivers, you should do stuff.”

“Get the package knife or Ah’ll get it an’ stab you.”

“You wouldn’t stab me.”

“We’ll see.”

And so Applejack went off to get this package knife. She came back and it was time for the moment of truth.

“Hey, AJ,” Apple Bloom said. “You gonna stab me?”

“No.” Applejack cut open the box with only the power of her mind. Wait, no, that’s what Twilight does. Applejack used the knife. Inside the box were a cylindrical cast iron urn and a rolled-up piece of paper which was kept rolled up via a ribbon.

Big Mac took the note, took off the ribbon with his teeth, and read the note aloud.

“Dear Big Mac-sama,

Contained in the urn in this package are the ashes of a pony who said she hated Applejack. She spelt it with a capital A so it wasn’t the beverage, and if it was, then she made a grammatical error, and so she deserves to die anyway. I hope you can forgive me for wondering how balanced your diet is since everything you eat is apple x. I didn’t mean to imply you don’t know what you’re doing, and I’m deeply sorry.

♥, Epistulor.”

“Bitch deserved to dah,” Applejack said.

“True dat.”

“Eeyup.”

“So we gonna throw it out like usual?” Apple Bloom said.

“But it’s cast ahron,” Applejack said. “Ah feel like assaultin’ Rarity with it.”

“You can’t just randomly assault her,” Apple Bloom said. “Y’hafta carry it around an’ wait for ‘er ta do somethin’ all Rarityish.”

“Carry it around? With what? She’s gonna notice.”

“Hmm... Ah dunno, maybe you should just randomly assault her. But we’ve got iron ones before, why this one in particular?”

“‘Cause plot. Anyway, when’d be a good tahme? Ah guess now would work, right?”

“Ah don’t see why not. What do you think, Big Mac?”

“Now sounds fine.”

And so Applejack put on a pair of bags and ventured off to the Carousel Boutique with the lid of the urn. Whilst that happens, here’s the Octavia and Lyra Variety Hour.

“‘Variety hour’?” Lyra said. “We’re not good at variety show stuff. Things. Don’t leave me.”

The audience which had been brought in during the Apple segment laughed, unaware that the show hadn’t started yet.

“It’s okay, Lyra. I already said that I’m not going to end our relationship over something like that.”

“But like I said, it’ll all start to pile up. You love me because I act sophisticated and proper and so on.”

“That’s not the only reason. I’ve seen plenty of ponies who act richer than you do.”

“Then what makes me different?”

“Most of them are blandly rich or blandly formal or blandly influential, which is fine, but you have a deeper personality. You’re nice and things like that, obviously, but there’s something else I can’t define that probably has something to do with the mystery of love or whatever it is that they say. One thing is I feel comfortable around you. Even with my other friends, not that I’m trying to say I have that many, because I don’t, but I feel like I need to act proper and formal around them, and you don’t give off that impression. Not that I do relax that much around you since this is how I like to act, but I feel like if I do something dumb around one of them then they won’t like me as much, whilst you’re a bit more understanding about that sort of thing.”

“And you like like me.”

“Yes... being myself, I never thought I’d ever be attracted to anypony, but obviously I was wrong.”

Lyra started a kiss and it went on for several seconds then stopped. I’d like to talk about how exciting it was, but it wasn’t.

“I love you,” Lyra said generically.

“I love you too,” generically said Octavia.

Applejack burst through the unlocked Carousel Boutique door with great panache. However, Rarity was out shopping. Applejack started an epic adventure through the house and found Sweetie Belle in the kitchen eating a bowl of generic Cheerios. Correction: she was eating the cereal.

“Greetings, Applejack Apple. Wait, why would you be here?”

“Ah came ta assault Rarity.”

“Why would you hurt Rarity? I know why you would hurt Rarity, but why this particular point in time?”

“‘Cause Ah just got a cool new weapon to do it with. Do you know where she is?”

“She’s not here, so don’t get excited.”

“Can Ah get Xcahted?”

“If you want, but it won’t help.”

“Whah should Ah trust you?”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Don’t go all lahar’s paradox on me, you want Rarity to live. Well, she’s gonna live, but be unharmed is what Ah mean.”

“Look, my point is that she’s not here.”

“So she is here.”

Two hours of searching later...

“Where is she?!” Applejack said to Sweetie Belle, who was still eating the same bowl of cereal. Correction: she was eating the cereal. Right after Applejack said this, Rarity came through the door. She ran up to her, and before Rarity could say “Applejack?”, she got an urn lid to the head.

“Now Ah’ll take ‘er to the secret rape chamber....”

“What?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Ah dunno. Who’d wanna have sex with Rarity anyway? Ah know, she’s pretty an’ stuff, but she’d be terrible at sex. Also, dignity.”

“You don’t know that. And I meant ‘rape chamber’. I mean, isn’t it usually sex dungeon?”

“Ah don’t like euphemisms.”

Applejack left the building with Rarity on her back and Sweetie Belle called law enforcement.

“Ponyville Police.”

“Applejack just knocked out Rarity at the Carousel Boutique.”

“Some policeponies will be dispatched.”

“Cool.”

Several minutes later, Applejack was walking to Sweet Apple Acres when she noticed a couple policeponies, [name removed] and Nepojmenovaný, running towards her.

“Wonder what they’re runnin’ ta,” Applejack said, though she found out a second later when [name removed] pushed and subsequently held her down for Nepojmenovaný to hoofcuff. Rarity fell off, but she was fine. The urn lid also fell out of its bag.

“What’s goin’ on?” Applejack said. “Well, Ah know what’s goin’ on, Ah mean whah’s goin’ on.”

“You’re under arrest for assault,” Nepojmenovaný said as he finished hoofcuffing her.

“Ah demand a lawyer.”

“We gotta help ‘er!” Apple Bloom said.

“I’ll get Zecora,” Big Mac said.

Big Mac left without even saying goodbye, then Apple Bloom smoked an entire pack of Lucky Seven™ brand cigarettes.

“We can’t do that,” Nepojmenovaný said, referring to the lawyer issue.

“Ah demand a trahal.”

“We can do that.”

The door of the vaja of Zecora was knocked.

“Who killed herself this time?” Zecora said, rolling her eyes. She opened the door. “Big Mac?”

“Applejack got arrested and she needs a lawyer.”

“What did she get arrested for and why should I help her find one?”

“Assault, and you’re the lawyer.”

“So not only am I a doctor, I’m also a lawyer now.”

“Eeyup.”

“I seriously need to start charging for these things.”

“[REDACTED],” asked [name removed] as (s)he dragged Applejack along the ground.

“Fine,” Nepojmenovaný said.

Bronies, which of these ponies is Rarity’s sister?

Apple Bloom — Octavia — Butterscotch

Have you ever been watching a show when it suddenly or unsuddenly gets interrupted by a string of advertisements? The guys on the inside call this a “commercial break”, and believe it or not, there’s a way to completely avoid them with shows you don’t watch live. Our patent pending technology known as a “DVR” will actually recor

Okay, bronies, if you chose Octavia, you were right!

Knocking ensued at Sweet Apple Acres. However, it was just Apple Bloom rapping on some wood because she said something fate tempty. Then the front door was knocked. Guess who it was. If you guessed Rainbow, then congratulations: you win a free iPad. If you guessed Rainbow Dash, then congratulations: you’re not efficient. If you guessed Dash, then congratulations: do you also say Twi? If so, get fancier. But yeah, it was her.

“AJ got arrested,” Apple Bloom said.

“What?! For what?”

“Assaultin’ Rarity.”

“Apple Bloom, why are you talkin’ to yourself?”

“All right, cut!” a pony who I’ve never seen before in my life said. “That was terr—”

“Who the fuck are you?” Rainbow said.

“I’m Dr. Hector, and you need to say that again, but—”

“Um, we’re doing a reality show. Doing second takes would go against the whole ‘reality’ thing.”

“Really? Then where am I? When am I?”

“Ponyville, Equestria in November of 2012.”

“By Wall, I’ve gone too far back!” He ran into the forest.

“Um, anyway,” Rainbow said, “AJ got arrested?”

“Uh-huh. Zecora’s gonna lawyer for ‘er.”

“Can I help?”

“Prolly not.”

“Then I’ll just go over to Twilight.”

“Cool.”

Gathered at the court had a jury, Judgaroni, Zecora, Big Mac, and a newly awake Rarity.

“Any crowd?” Judgaroni said. “No? Okay, we’ll begin in five minutes.”

Within those five minutes, a crowd of Twilight, Rainbow, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom had gathered. I get Twilight and Rainbow because teleportation, but Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom weren’t within five minutes of the court.

“Court is now in session. Rarity, would you like to make an opening statement?”

“I would. Mares, stallions, intersex ponies, and those who do not wish to disclose their gender of the jury, Applejack hit me with a piece of cast iron. How can that not get any kind of punishment? I rest my case.”

“Zecora,” Judgaroni said, “Would you like to make an opening statement?”

“I would.” Zecora stepped out from behind her desk to beside it. “It is true that my client, Applejack Apple, KOed Rarity with a cast iron urn lid. However, I ask you, Judge Judgaroni, ponies of the jury, to consider this fact: Rarity is a jerk. Haven’t you ever thought ‘I wish that jerk could get an urn lid to the head’? Of course you have, and Applejack simply happened to have the proper opportunity to make this a reality and took it, something she should hardly be punished for. I rest my case.”

“I’d like to call a surprise witness to the stand!” Rarity said surprisingly. Everyone in the courtroom barring Rarity gasped. “Specifically, Sweetie Belle!”

Sweetie Belle went up to the witness stand and Rarity went in front of it.

“Is it true,” Rarity said, “That the defendant assaulted me using the lid of an urn of iron which was cast?”

“Yes.”

“See?” Rarity said. “Let me answer my own question: yes. Somepony who was probably there said it was true, and therefore it is true. I rest my case.”

Sweetie Belle returned to the crowd.

“Any closing statements?” Judgaroni said.

“Yes, your honour,” Zecora said. “Yes, there is a witness testimony. Yes, it was on camera. But Rarity, quite simply, deserved it. And if assault is becoming a serious crime in this jurisdiction, then what does that say about us? How will the Rarities of the world be properly punished? I’ll answer my own question: they won’t. Raritiness will go unpunished. I rest my case.”

“Do you wish to make a closing statement, Rarity?”

“No.”

“Very well. The jury will enter the private jury discussion room and discuss.”

“I’m not getting enough screen time,” Octavia said.

“I’m getting too much screen time,” Lyra said.

“Do you have a verdict?” Judgaroni said.

“We do, your honour,” juror #7 said. “We declare the defendant... guilty.”

Everyone excepting the judge and jury gasped and then talked.

“Order in the court!” Judgaroni said, banging the gavel three times. “The defendant will be sentenced to five years in prison as well as four hours of community service.”

“This is ridiculous,” Zecora said. “Ponies in Ponyville have been knocked out by each other hundreds of times before with no punishment whatsoever. I demand to know what makes this one so different, especially when it’s Rarity.”

“The decision has already been decided,” Judgaroni said.

Rainbow looked at Twilight—really looked at her, like staring into her eyes—with an extremely sad face, as if she was crying. Not that she was, but she had a facial expression you would typically associate with it.

“Don’t worry, Rainbow,” Twilight said with an orange voice. “I’m not going to let—”

A car with the radio turned up really loud drove by, drowning out whatever she was saying, but presumably it was about Applejack and prison.

“We’ll appeal it up to the next court,” Zecora, who was suddenly there, said. “That’s how it works, right, Twilight?”

“I don’t know. I thought you would know.”

“I’m not actually a trained lawyer, you know. Besides, you’re supposed to know everything.”

“Anyway, we’ll find a way,” Twilight said to Rainbow.

“It’ll be okay,” Zecora said.

“I know what’s going on,” Rainbow said. “Don’t talk to me like I’m a foal.”

“Well, then don’t stare into my eyes like a foal who doesn’t know what’s going on.”

“I agree with the verdict,” Rarity said to Sweetie Belle, her chosen talking partner.

“I don’t.”

“What? Why? How?”

“The verdict, because I don’t see what makes this KOing different from any of the others that’ve gone unpunished, and I don’t know, neuroscience.”

“Fine. I’m disowning you.”

“Okay.”

“Please don’t leave our family. You’re the only one who supports me.”

“Okay, first, I think you mean your family since you’re the only one in it anymore, and you already disowned me so I don’t have to come back.”

“Please? No other ponies even like me.”

“Spike, Octavia, fashion ponies....”

“Spike only likes me because I’m attractive and not for my personality, fashion ponies only like me because of my skills and not my personality, and Octavia... Octavia... fine.”

“Now if you don’t mind, I’m changing my name to Sweetie Belle Apple. Or Sweetie Apple. Is Belle part of my first name?”

“Strictly speaking, your first name is Sweetie.”

“Well, the point is, my last name’ll be Apple by the end of the day.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“But I’m a good guardian, aren’t I?”

“Not as good as Big Mac.”

“Please?”

“Wahz,” Apple Bloom cried.

“Don’t cry,” Big Mac said. “We’ll get her out.”

Apple Bloom nodded, but continued to weep dramatically.

Chapter 141: Pinkie Pie and Spike Do Nothing

“Yo Spike wazzup,” Pinkie said without any commas.

Time passed. Rivers flowed, cliffs eroded, glaciers melted.

“Huh,” Pinkie said. “Thought that would work.”

Time passed. Hydrogen hydrogenated into helium, which itself heliumised into life as we know it today. But now, Spike enters Sugarcube Corner.

“Hi, Spike!” Pinkie said.

“Low. What’s down?”

“Wait a second, what are you doing here?”

“I followed my dreams.”

“What?”

“I had a dream where I went here, then we had this exact conversation up until a part where you say ‘that’s weird’, and then I woke up.”

“Huh. That’s weird.”

Spike woke up.

“Fuck,” Spike said, “I really thought it was real life that time.”

Spike woke up.

“Okay, this is just dumb.”

“According to my calculations,” Pinkie said to herself, “Assuming they’re correct, Spike should be arriving within the hour. What to do....”

No consumers came in to give her something to do.

“Why can’t somepony just come in and order a batch of pastries? It used to happen all the time, and now it doesn’t, which is why we’re barely in business anymore. It’s all because of that rival... pastry... who am I foaling, we’re the only place in town. Cake and smaller versions of cake pretending to be completely different foods just aren’t as popular as they used to be.”

Meanwhile, Spike didn’t want to get out of bed.

“Maybe we need to diversify. We already have this sweet counter installed in the counter. I mean we converted the counter into a sweet one. Whatever. But what else could we sell? Maybe we just need to make everything better. Make it addictive. Put drugs in the—no, no, no, that’s a terrible idea. Okay, so assuming we do go under, what am I gonna do? I don’t know what other job I could get.” She abruptly stopped talking for a second. “I expected myself to talk about what other jobs I could get, but I guess that’s kinda the point of what I said.”

A tumbleweed hit the door, but didn’t open it.

“I wish I was hungry. Then at least I could be entertained by food, but I guess standing at a counter doesn’t do much energy-burningwise... I wonder what Carrot and Cup Cake are up to. That was supposed to be Carrot, and Cup Cake, not Carrot and Cup, Cake. Just ‘Cup’ sounds weird to me. It’s probably just me, I don’t know.”

“We can see what they’re doing,” camerapony #13 said. “Switching feed.”

The feed was switched.

“Oh Faust,” Pinkie said, immediately averting her eyes. “Okay, okay, okay, I’m not interested anymore.”

“Just a second, where did the button go, okay, I switched back.”

“Cool.” Pinkie looked back to the feed. The feed promptly showed her looking at the feed, which a second later updated to include both layers of looking, then Spike got out of bed.

“Ooh,” Pinkie said, “Spike’s getting out of bed! Hey, it’s me! I’m talking about Spike getting out of bed!”

ONE HOUR LATER!

Spike entered Sugarcube Corner.

“Hilo,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Hey,” Spike said, “I’m here for the thing.”

“You know Twilight’s not at the treehouse, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“I was watchin’ on my iPad and you forgot to lock the door.”

ONE HOUR LATER!

Spike entered Sugarcube Corner tired and heavily breathing, collapsing in the doorway. The door, which opened to the inside, autoclosed as shop doors do and pushed him outside.

“He’s walked three Sparkle-Pie lengths,” Pinkie said. “That’s not that much.”

ONE MINUTE LATER!

Pinkie went to the door and held it open.

“We know you’re not dead, Spike,” she said. “Come on.”

“Fine....”

Spike got up and walked inside. Pinkie went back to her post.

“So what are doin’?” Spike said.

“Y’know. The usual.”

“‘The usual’?”

“Just my job.”

“I thought somepony somewhere would have something planned.”

“Here’s a plan for you: buy a cupcake.”

“I don’t have any money.”

“Then you’ll just have to work it off.”

“Can’t I not buy a cupcake?”

“No. Your two options are one, do something interesting, or two, get replaced with Lyra.”

“And getting a cupcake is the only interesting thing I can do?”

“You could buy a different pastry.”

“But I don’t have money. Now let’s see, what do our viewers like?”

“Considering they’re fifteen or over, sex and violence.”

“Well, I don’t know what I can do about sex, but I can kill some stuff.”

“Like?”

“Y’know, a few blades of grass, maybe a dandelion... no, like ponies.”

“But whom would you kill?”

“I dunno, who in Ponyville do we not like?”

“Nopony, really. We could go to Heimville City.”

“Yeah, but then we’ll probably die too.”

“I guess you’re right. Wait, did you just beat me in an argument?”

“It wasn’t really an argument, and is that supposed to mean I’m dumb?”

“Yeah.”

“I think I know whom to kill now.”

“Bring it on, you little... er... my leg!”

Pinkie kick-uppercut Spike really hard. He flew back three metres and landed on his back.

“Owww...” Spike said. “Okay, I surrender.”

“And I need a few Band-Aid brands for my leg.”

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER!

“Welp, I’m all better,” Pinkie said. “You good, Spike?”

“Yeah. Since it’s right off the metaphorical road, I have a question.”

“What?”

“Is anypony religious anymore?”

“I think Rarity’s still Wallist.”

“Cool.”

A tumbleweed rolled across the floor.

“How did that get in here?” Pinkie said.

“As if I would know.”

She returned to her post, rolled the tumbleweed outside, opened the door, and went over to the tumbleweed in reverse order.

“Look,” transcriber #1 said, “This isn’t going anywhere. Just a minute.” She took a phone and pressed all of the buttons at once. “Stupid hooves.”

“You need help with that?” Pinkie said.

“No, I can dial a phone.” She tried again, getting it right. “See?”

“Hello?” said a tangy voice on the other end.

“Can you sack Spike?”

“I was thinking I’d do that at the end of the chapter.”

“Cool.” She hung up.

“What was that about?” Pinkie said.

“You’re getting sacked at the end of the chapter.”

“What?!” Pinkie said, banging on the counter particularly hard. “Ow.”

“Not you,” transcriber #1 said, “Spike.”

“What?!” Spike said, banging on the counter particularly hard. “Ow. What did I do?”

“Nothing. That’s why you’re getting sacked.”

“But you put me with Pinkie Pie! I only work with Twilight!”

“Well, Pinkie did fine.”

“Well, I can’t be sacked!”

“Because you quit?”

“Exactly!” He stormed out.

“What now?” Pinkie said.

“End the chapter.”

Chapter 142: Court Cases

Gathered at a court had Rarity, Zecora, Judgarini, a jury, and some other ponies who aren’t important in the context of this chapter.

“Court’s now, like, in session,” Judgarini said nonchalantly whilst doing something on her product-placed iPad. “Anypony wanna, like, make an opening statement or something?”

“Yes,” Zecora said. “You see, your honour, Applejack knocked out Rarity. Knocked out Rarity. That’s all she did. Ponies have KOed each other before and nothing has happened. I rest my case.”

“Wait,” Judgarini said, “So, like, all she did was knock out Rarity?”

“That’s correct, your honour.”

“Hey, jury, what do you think?”

The jury whispered to each other for a moment.

“We don’t see what the big deal is,” juror #3 said.

“The defendant should, like, be let out of jail,” Judgarini said. She banged the gavel. “Court’s, like, done.”

“I’m going to appeal this to the next court up,” Rarity said.

“Oh, come on,” Zecora said. “She knocked a pony unconscious. What if you couldn’t do that? Everypony would be in prison.”

“It is my choice and you will have to deal with it.”

THE NEXT DAY!

Gathered at a court had Rarity, Zecora, judge22001500, a jury, the Really Close Connection with Applejack Group (Rainbow, Big Mac, and Apple Bloom), and the Connection with Rarity Group (Sweetie Belle).

“The time is 3:13:37 PM,” judge22001500 announced. “It is time for the Equestrian national anthem.”

Twelve minutes later!

“Supreme final national unappealable because it’s the top level court is now in session,” the judge judged. “Zecora, please call the coin toss.”

“Edge.”

The judge flipped a coin, somehow. “The result is heads. Rarity, you may make an opening statement.”

“Thank you, your honour,” Rarity said. “judge22001500. Ponies of the jury. Ponies of the world. I ask you: if you go to a pony’s house and hit them with a lid of cast iron, knocking them out, should they be punished? I will answer my own question in this case: yes, they should be punished. The defendant should remain in prison. I rest my case.”

“I request permission to make a response,” Zecora said.

“I’ll allow it,” Ol’ Judgy, as his friends call him, said.

“Thank you, your honour. judge22001500 and ponies of the jury, it is true that my client, Applejack Apple, KOed Rarity with a cast iron urn lid. However, I ask you to consider this fact: ponies are knocked out by their friends every day in Ponyville, and nothing bad ever comes of it. For example, Twilight has magicked Rainbow Dash KOed dozens of times. Do we think she should be impenitentiaried for this? Allow me to provide an answer to my own question: no. Apple Bloom KOed and raped Diamond Tiara for being a jerk, and what did Applejack do? K Rarity O for being a jerk. There wasn’t even any rape. So how can you keep her in a penitentiary when ‘crimes’ of equal or greater value have been performed without being punitively punished? I rest my case.”

“I’d like to call a surprise witness to the stand,” Rarity said. “Sweetie Belle!”

Sweetie Belle went to the stand, as did Rarity.

“Is it true,” Rarity said, “That Applejack knocked me out?”

“Yes,” Sweetie Belle said.

“I rest my case.”

And so Sweetie Belle and Rarity returned to their previous locations.

“Your honour,” Zecora said, “I would like to make a statement.”

“I’ll allow it.”

“Thank you, your honour. Now, I would like to point to the case of Belle v. Pie and Error: field “familyname” has no value, in which Zecora and Pinkie Pie were brought to court for knocking out Rarity Belle and Sweetie Belle. They were not given any punitive charges, because it was not different from any of the other many KOings which were and still are taking place in Ponyville and, indeed, the majority of Equestria. This case is extremely similar: the defendant has simply knocked out Rarity and done nothing else to her. I rest my case.”

“Your honour,” Rarity said, “She did not ‘just knock me out’. She was taking me somewhere, likely to be beaten and raped, before she was caught by law enforcement. I rest my case.”

“You’ve heard both sides,” judge22001500 said to the jury. “Enter the private jury discussion room and make a decision.”

There was a spinny background and logo transition to virtually the same shot as before.

“We’ve made a decision,” juror #3 said. “We declare the defendant...”

Three seconds of silence followed.

“...Not guilty due to the jerk amendment.”

“But she was taking me somewhere,” Rarity said. “Who knows what she was planning to do?!”

“Yes, but this ignores one crucial point,” Zecora said. “You’re Rarity. And we must remember the jerk amendment: no one cares what happens to jerks.”

“Well, I’m appealing this decision to the next court. Wait....”

Three more seconds of silence.

“I’m moving to a country where they punish unprovoked acts of assault,” Rarity said.

A flood of “See ya”, “‘Kay”, and “Have fun”-type comments followed.

“Sweetie Belle?” said Rarity. “Did you just tell me to have fun?”

“Yes, I did, why?”

“But you’re coming with me.”

“But I want to stay here. I don’t have any friends in not here.”

“We’re moving to Pferdland and that’s final.”

“Fine, I’ll just live on a street corner like Scootaloo.”

“Fine! You’re a waste of money anyway!”

“I’m glad I’ll never have to see your somewhat literally fake face ever again!”

“I’m glad I’ll never have to deal with you always fucking with my fucking shit!”

“I’m glad I’ll never have to listen to you whinge to me about how much the world hates you ever again! Especially when your speech is constantly filled with comments about how awesome and genius you are. And how immature everypony... well, you know what, why you suck is well-documented. The point is that everypony hates you and won’t be sad to see you go.”

“But you’re my little sister and daughter figure! Won’t you be at least slightly sad about us separating?”

“I’m the one who wants us to be apart in the first place!”

“Fine. I’m glad I’ll never have to... well... I like you. Please don’t actually leave.”

Silence.

“Oh, um,” judge22001500 said before clearing his throat, “Court is now out of session.”

Zecora got about halfway to the door before getting tackled (not like that) by Rainbow Dash.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou,” Rainbow said, holding her in an inadvertently like that way.

“Um... you’re welcome. You know, you’re Rainbow Dash, it doesn’t seem—”

“I love you, Zecora.”

“What?”

“Now we can finally talk for long hours and snog and have sex and—”

“What?”

“Um, in a platonic way, and ‘we’ are myself and AJ.”

“Oh.”

Rainbow got off Zecora and they both got up.

“Sorry,” Rainbow apologised sorrily, a sense of regret imbued in her sorrowful, guilty words.

“It’s okay. I’ll live.”

“So I’ll just be goin’, then....”

And so everyone left the building, except for judge22001500, who still had six more cases to go through.

Chapter 142½: The Lost Episode

Scootaloo was in her box eating one of those long doughnuts. Whatever they’re called. That was all fine ‘n’ dandy until Apple Bloom came from around the corner. It was a forty-five-degree turn, not ninety, but still a corner.

“Hey, Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom said.

“Fm, Vppm Bm,” Scootaloo said. She swallowed some doughnut. “What brings you here?”

“A love confession.”

“Oh fuck, don’t tell me you love Diamon—”

“Not Dahmond Tiara, you.”

“Well, duh, of cour—”

“No, lahke... in a romantic way.”

“Are you... are you serious? This isn’t some kind of a—”

Apple Bloom put a leg behind Scootaloo’s head and kissed her for e seconds.

“Apple Bloom...” Scootaloo said.

“Ah know, you prolly think Ah’m crazy or Ah’m still doin’ this on a bet or somethin’....”

“No, I... I love you too.”

“Really?! That’s great! In fact, it’s better than great, it’s grnine! You wanna have sex?”

“Only my whole life!”

A faint cardboard-crushing sound, like the sound one hears when crushing cardboard, was heard, and the box’s ceiling caved in slightly.

“Er, Scootaloo...” Apple Bloom said. “Ya might wanna come an’ see this....”

Scootaloo stepped outside the box. On top of it was an anvil labelled “TWO JILLION KILOGRAMS”.

“Well, it’s a good thing I had that cardboard to protect me,” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah... so, sex?”

“Sure. Um, what should we do?”

“Well, first, we should get in a less public place....”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo ran away to the forest together. After ten minutes of looking for a decent clearing without banter, they found a lake. Most of said lake was bordered by densely-packed trees as if it was in a forest, but there was also a tiny beach. By “tiny”, I mean about five metres long and two wide, so tiny. Some might say that if it gets too small, it’s just some patch of sand and not a beach—a few grains of sand by a pond obviously wouldn’t count as a beach—but then it’d be like outer space or the number of items in a pile where you have to pick a completely arbitrary number, draw a line, and say “anything below this is nothing like a beach and anything equal to or greater than this automatically qualifies as a beach”, which in this case would probably be length or area. You’d probably have to set minimums for both length and width. Um, what was going on? Right, sex.

“Well, it’s not what we were imaginin’,” Apple Bloom said, “But it’s still clear ah trees.”

Rainbow Dash appeared from behind a tree. “I think it’s fine. I mean—”

“Rainbow Dash?!” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo said. “What are you doing here?!”

“AJ and I are having sex here.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked around a bunch of trees to see Applejack.

“But we were gonna have sex here,” Apple Bloom said.

“You’re finally together?!” Rainbow said. “Hey, AJ!”

Applejack came over there. “What?”

“Apple Bloom and Scootaloo are together!”

“Ah’m glad to see you’ve found an outlet that doesn’t involve makin’ Dahmond happy, Apple Bloom,” Applejack said. “An’ Ah’m glad to see you’ve found an outlet, Scootaloo.”

“Y’always say ‘bout how Ah’m ‘too young ta have sex’,” Apple Bloom said, “So Ah reckon if there ain’t a significant difference between the ages of mahself and Scootaloo, it’d be all good.”

“Too  young?”  Applejack  said.  “It’s  been  six  months  since  Ah  last  said  that,  you’re  just  fahne  now.”  She  laid  down  on  the  ground.  “C’mon,  eat  me  out.”

AppleBloomturnedtoScootaloo.”CanAhgoaheadorwouldyouthinkahthatascheatin’onyou?”

:Ur;a ijTM; aXIIRkii aUS, :u SIB;R NUBSM: AGW XIBRUBYWSM WCWB RGIYFG UR Qa vAUXkkt rgw aNW NWAAfw,

“Cool,” Apple Bloom said. She walked a short but unimpliable distance and started fun cunnilingus times.

“What am I gonna do now?” Rainbow said.

“What am I gonna do now?” said Scootaloo.

They looked towards each other.

“You’re hot,” Scootaloo said.

“You’re not too bad yourself.”

Rainbow leaned back against a tie-dyewood tree, legs outstretched and somewhat spread. Scootaloo started funnilingus times and Rainbow put a hoof on her head.

After a few mouth-wateringly delectalicious minutes of that, Twilight and Spike came to the scene, Spike on Twilight’s back.

“Um...” Twilight said.

“Hey, Twilight,” Rainbow said. “Scootaloo’s even worse at this than you are. Speakin’ of, how’s Apple Bloom, AJ?”

“She’s okay,” Applejack said. “Y’know, not good, not bad, maybe slahtly bad, but it’s still fun.”

“Twilight,” Spike said.

“What?”

“We should join the party!”

Spike hopped off Twilight, landing on his teeth. He was fine, though. Twilight picked a spot on the beach and laid down.

“Come on, Spike,” Twilight said.

“My teeth....”

“Come on, Spike.”

Spike came on over to Twilight, and thus began sex between a male and a female, just like Faust intended.

Twenty minutes into the future...

Appledash snogging was going on adjacent to the aforementioned tie-dyewood tree. On the beach, we had a >:) Apple Bloom being cunnilingised by a slightly distressed-looking Scootaloo. Twilight and Spike were idly lying on the beach, so don’t worry about them just yet. About whom you should worry were Rarity and Sweetie Belle, who arrived on the scene just now.

“What are Apple Bloom and Scootaloo doing?” Rarity said minusedly.

“It can’t be what it looks like,” Sweetie Belle said.

“It’s exactly lahke what it looks,” Apple Bloom said. “There’s still a li’l’ room left on the beach, so join the fun.”

“It can’t be what it looks like,” Sweetie Belle said. “What does it look like to you, Apple Bloom?”

“Ah just said, lahke Scootaloo’s eatin’ me out.”

Rarity was averting her eyes and trying to adjust to what she had just seen, but Sweetie Belle said more stuff:

“Is there anypony I can have sex with?”

“Twahlaht’s open. You fahne with havin’ sex with Sweetie Belle, Twahlaht?”

“Sure, to which I’d be happy.”

Sweetie Belle walked her way over to Twilight.

“So,” said Sweetie Belle said, “Should I just lie down and kind of put—”

“I’ll do you first, then you can try. You ready for your first sexual experience and probably your first orgasm?”

“Scootaloo seems like she was ready....”

“She hasn’t actually come yet,” Apple Bloom said. “She’s just been eatin’ ponies out the whole tahme.”

“Anyway,” Twilight said, “You ready?”

“I’m ready.”

Sweetie Belle didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know what it was going to feel like. Well, she had a vague idea since she knew what sex was and stuff, but you know. Also, I just read over those two sentences again, and I’m making it sound like a bad thing. It totally wasn’t, though, it felt awesome. Genital stimulation and all that. Oh, Rarity looked back! Do you feel like saying something, Rarity?

“Does anypony want to have sex with me?” Rarity said. “Surely you do, Spike.”

“Can’t. I just fucked Twilight half an hour ago.”

“Okay, I understand that some ponies hate me,” Rarity said, “But do I need to have bad luck as well now?”

“Eeyup,” Spike said in a terrible Big Mac impression.

For Spike and Rarity, an awkward silence ensued. Luckily, it was stopped after a couple seconds by Apple Bloom.

“Scootaloo...” Apple Bloom said. “Ah’m... Ah’m... mmmmmmmmmn!” she said with exactly 9½ Ms as she came.

“Can I have a turn now?” Scootaloo said. Apple Bloom forced her head back down in response.

“Well, it looks like the shoe’s on the other foot!” Spike said.

All the characters except Scootaloo and Twilight laughed as an iris wipe zeroed in on a random tree, then closed.

That's all, folks!

Chapter 143: Appledash: The Reckoning

“Reckonin’?” Applejack said whilst walking to a tree, as it was apple-bucking times. “Ah reckon Appledash is a good thing.”

Meanwhile, Apple Bloom just answered the phone!

“Hello?”

“Is this Big Mac?”

“No.”

“Can you get him?”

“No.”

“Dammit.”

The mystery pony hung up.

“Well, that was worth comin’ down ‘ere for,” Apple Bloom said.

Meanwhile, Twilight was reading, Rainbow Dash was sleeping, Pinkie Pie was baking, Octavia was waitressing and hating how she had to smile, and Lyra was doing something vaguely music-related but also involving folding laundry and eating ampersands made of lettuce. In fact, no one in Ponyville was doing anything even vaguely fun to watch. Not even Zecora, who was in unincorporated area, was doing anything fun to watch. Thus, the sponsors were forced to be unhappy for a day.

THE NEXT DAY!

“So, Big Mac,” Applejack said over some store brand Apple Jacks which were endorsed by her.

“What?”

“So we’re eatin’ breakfast, an’... y’know... where’s Apple Bloom?”

“I don’t know.”

Apple Bloom woke up to find she was blindfolded, mutetaped, and had her legs and head firmly bound to a table. Using this information along with previous statistics, she figured the most likely scenario was that Diamond Tiara had her somewhere.

“Mm,” Apple Bloom said.

“Should we execute action Tape Removal?” Twist said.

“Yes,” Diamond Tiara said.

Twist tore the tape off Apple Bloom’s mouth as quickly and painfully as possible.

“Ow,” Apple Bloom said.

“No shit,” Diamond Tiara said.

Twist pointed to the blindfold and looked at Diamond.

“I don’t know anything sexual I can do with her eyes,” Diamond said.

“But you don’t care about blindfolds,” Twist said.

“That’s what you would think, because it’s correct. But it’s not actually a turnoff for me either, and any sense I can take away from Apple Bloom is good, so keep it on.”

“What about smell and taste?”

“I don’t know of any hot ways to take those away. On a note not failing to lack in non-undisantiirregardlessocity, are you ready, Apple Bloom?”

“What’re you askin’ me for?”

“Confirmation that you’re ready.”

“Why’re you askin’ me for?”

“Psychological purposes.”

“I don’t feel nervous or anythin’.”

“That’s only what you’re telling yourself,” Diamond Tiara said as she climbed onto the table.

“But Ah—”

Diamond Tiara cut her off with an extended kiss. Without any form of holding taking place, it looked a little awkward.

“Does Filthy Rich know where you are?” Apple Bloom said.

“No. Why does it matter to you?”

“Why does it matter to you?”

“I never said it did.”

“Uh... fahne.”

“Wait a minute,” Applejack said. “We have a telly! Maybe they’re coverin’ Apple Bloom!”

Applejack ran into the room with the television in it and turned it on. The television, not the room.

“Me?” Applejack said. “What am Ah doin’ that’s worth showin’ nationwahde?”

She ran back to the table. “Big Mac, do you know what Ah’m doin’ that’s worth showin’ nationwahde?”

“No.”

“Don’tcha mean—” then her voice changed from her normal one to that one people make when they try to imitate a deep-voiced person, “—‘Eenope’?”

“...”

She looked downward. “Sorry.”

Rainbow rolled off a cloud she was sleeping on. This woke her up and she calmly fluttered to the ground without coming even close to injury. She then got on a different cloud and tried to get back to sleep.

“Hm,” Fluttershy giggled with a mouth full of popcorn. “Fvr.”

“You ain’t doin’ a very good job,” Apple Bloom said.

“How do you know? You don’t know anything about sex.”

“Neither do you.”

“So?”

“So... y’know....”

“Yes?”

“Stuff.”

Diamond resumed the ol’ 1-2.

“She’s at NRBT!” Applejack said. “An’ now it’s back to us for some reason!”

“How could we help her?” Big Mac, who was there now, said.

“Not sure. But what Ah am sure of is the delicious taste ah new Price✓Rong Apple Rings!”

Silence.

“How am I supposed to respond to that?”

“Ah thought, y’know, the camera would go over to somepony else.”

“An’ that’s whah Ah suppor—” Apple Bloom said.

“Shut up. All of your talking that doesn’t involve saying ‘please, no’ or deciding you like it is really annoying.”

“You’re the rapist, you can’t complain about anythin’.”

“You started it.”

“You started it.”

“You were the one who raped me first.”

“Well, you were the one who was bein’ all bitchy.”

“I called you a couple of names and tricked Cheerilee into scolding you a few times, but that’s not enough to justify rape.”

“Ah guess that’s where we disagree.”

“I suppose it is. Now will you shut up?”

“Never.”

“Why am I even doing this to you anyway? You should be making me come.”

“It’s what Ah did ta you, so it’s tradition. Fuck, now Ah want Chex Mix.”

“I guess I’ll let you come once, then you have to do something to me. Is that good?”

“Sounds well.”

Bbrring! Um, that was onomapteiay for a phone. Applejack went to it and picked it up.

“Yello?”

There was an unconvincing talking over phone clipsound.

“It’s for you,” Applejack said. She passed the phone twelve yards to Big Mac.

“Blu?”

There was an unconvincing talking over phone clipsound.

“I’m... busy.”

There was another clipsound and Big Mac hung up.

“Who was it?”

“Just another prayer.”

“Oh.”

The sound of silence ensued. You know that high-pitched noise that happens sometimes when you’re in a really quiet room? That’s the sound of silence.

“Wanna fuck?” Applejack said.

“I’d rather play Minecraft.”

“C’mon.”

“No.”

“Don’tcha me—er, Ah mean, whah?”

“If you want to have sex so badly, then yell into the sky.”

“Ah will.”

She went outside.

“Rainbow!” She screamed towards the heavens.

After a few seconds, there was no answer.

“Rainbow!”

Nothing.

“Rainbow DaaaaaAAAAASSSHHH!”

No answer.

“She must be too far away. What’m Ah gonna do?”

A sudden 5m/s wind picked up, sending a herd of tumbleweeds Applejack’s way. She managed to get inside and close the door just before they trampled her.

“That was close.”

Meanwhile, nothing significant was happening with Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara. Octavia... Lyra... Twilight... Pinkie... nope. No one.

“Where are Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara?” Cheerilee said. Sweetie Belle raised her hoof.

“Sweetie Belle?”

“I’m pretty sure they’re raping each other again.”

“I can’t believe they—well, whoever started it this time—skipped school to do that. Anyway, we should begin.”

Sweetie Belle raised her hoof.

“Sweetie Belle?”

“Why is there a bell curve on the chalkboard?”

A few hours later, Apple Bloom was happily unbondaged and unhappily facing Diamond Tiara.

“Okay,” Diamond said, “I think we’re done.”

Apple Bloom forced a kiss unto Diamond, but she took it anyway, so the forcing never really happened. Instead of forgetting about the existence of the rest of the universe and enjoying each other for an hour, it only lasted for a few seconds.

“Ah thought you said we were done. You didn’t push me or somethin’.”

“I’m not going to deny a kiss from my girlenemy. Why did even you do that anyway? I’m the one who raped you.”

“Well, Ah got into it. And Ah don’t know about you, but Ah’m hungry.”

“So am I. Do you eat anything without apples in it?”

“Just yesterday Ah... er....” Apple Bloom paused. “Does the ‘food’ you get at school count?”

“Hmm... I don’t see why not.”

“Then Ah do remember the last tahme Ah had somethin’ without apples.”

“Well, I guess we should go. You have the key, right, Twist?”

Twist held up the key like Jarno Trulli.

“Good.”

Twist then unlocked the door using only her wits and a key. They walked out of the storage locker together.

“I do suppose that this is where our paths part,” Apple Bloom said.

“What?” Diamond said. “Are you Octavia in a... um... that wouldn’t fit. Never mind.”

“Well, Scoo-da-loo.”

“Good-by.”

And then Rainbow woke up. She yawned, making half the viewing audience yawn. “So do I brush my teeth and stuff or, like, what? Wait, yeah, I do.”

So whilst she wakes up, here’s a commercial.

Buy our product!

She hasn’t woken up yet? Maybe we should’ve run a longer commercial. Anyway, here’s Applejack watching television.

“Wait, what?” Applejack said. “Me again?”

Okay, let’s go to Octavia.

What?! Octavia’s gone too?

“That’s right,” Lyra said. “She’s musicing at a superfluous gala.”

“Don’t respond to the narration,” transcriber #3 said.

Well, this just sucks. So the ponies who can’t do stuff are Twilight, Rainbow, Applejack, Octavia, Zecora, Pinkie, Big Mac, every foal with a name, Cheerilee... okay, who do we have? Rarity’s busy... hey, Fluttershy and Lyra! I should probably tell Brominecraft or something instead of just typing it in the narration.

KA-PHONE!

“Guten Tag?”

“Hey, Brominecraft!”

“What is it?”

“Fluttershy and Lyra!”

“I’ve heard worse ships, but that’s still bad.”

“No, no, I mean they can do stuff!”

“I know, there are cameraponies there for both of them, but I don’t know why they’d meet each other so something could happen.”

“Oh. Well, one of them could... um....”

There were a couple seconds of silence, then transcriber #3 hung up.

“I wish I hadn’t done that,” she said. Meanwhile in an alternate universe where she never started the call, everything was the same.

AT SEVENTEEN OF THE CLOCK!

“Welperstickerwhatsitdoozeroniflakingtonhooves,” Pinkie said, “Shift ending times. Guess I’ll play some video games and go to bed in that order.”

“You could do something good for the show instead,” said a random camerapony.

“I guess, but what would I do?” Pinkie turned to her right in preparation for walking in that direction. “Holy fuck, it’s snowing! I’m gonna tell everypony I know!”

She ran upstairs and got on Facebook to find that Applejack had beaten her to it.

“Fuckaroni,” Pinkie said. “Now what’ll I do for the next minute of my life?”

One minute later...

“Well, nothing was a boring choice. I know, I’ll talk about the weather! It’s snowing! But Applejack already told everypony about it. Now what’ll I do for the next minute of my life?”

Chapter 144: Miniature Golf Episode

“So lahke ‘some ponies golfed, the end’,” Apple Bloom said.

“Not miniature, golf episode,” camerapony #4 said, “Miniature golf, episode.”

“Oh. That sounds better. Ah wonder if that letter that wasn’t there yesterday has anythin’ to do with it....”

For reasons of plot, Applejack walked into the room. I don’t know which room “the room” is, but it’s not important anyway.

“Hey... sugar... cube....” said Applejack.

“Trahin’ to have character again?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah wouldn’t worry about it.”

“Hey, was that letter there before?”

“No.”

Applejack picked up the letter. “It says it’s for... ‘Applemac’.”

“That’s a pretty bad ship.”

“What’s your problem with me an’ Big Mac havin’ sex?”

“Incest.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Whatever.” She tore the envelope open with her teeth and took out the letter. “Dear Applejack Apple, you’ve been invahted to the first Programme Productions Miniature Golf Cup Series Championship at Snails Memorial Miniature Golf Course at Dapác. Sahned, your front door.”

“That sounds golftacular,” Apple Bloom said.

“Ah’ll look up directions an’ subsequently go.”

“Look,” Twilight said. “A letter for Rainbow.”

“I like how I get so many collateral appearances out of your contract,” Spike said.

“When she gets up, um... actually, I don’t know what would make her particularly excited about this letter—well, envelope, we don’t know what’s in it—so never mind.” Silence filled the air with catlike precision. “Do you feel like setting something on fire?”

“No. Why, do you?”

“Is that a problem?”

“What’s ‘something’?”

“I was mainly thinking of trees and other ponies.”

“Then yes.”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with the occasional urge to kill.”

“Well, if you carefully choose which ponies you’re killing like Big Mac fangirls do, that’s one thing, but just killing random ponies is another.”

“I disagree. It’s a political opinion so you can’t challenge it.”

Rainbow woke up and did boring morning things and went to the room with Twilight in it.

“Hi, –––––,” Twilight said. “There’s a letter for you.”

“Cool.” Rainbow took the envelope out of Twilight’s hoof and opened it without the use of a grapefruit. Inside the envelope was a letter, which Rainbow read aloud:

“Dear Rainbow Dash, you’ve been invited to the first Programme Productions Miniature Golf Cup Series Championship at Snails Memorial Miniature Golf Course at Dapác. Signed, you from the future.”

“That sounds golftacular,” Twilight said.

“Why would they bring me and not you, though?”

“I don’t know, but they must have something planned, right?”

“Yeah, but it just seems weird. Oh well.”

And so Applejack made it to the golf course with skill, strength, strategy, nerve, and just a pinch of love. She got her club and ball, waited for Rainbow, Rainbow arrived in the same way, said hi to Applejack, and did the same things. You know, I thought seeing all this extra footage previously hidden by commercials would be exciting.

“Ah don’ understand how we’re gonna do this with hooves an’ quadrupedalness,” Applejack said.

“Yeah... you know, Twilight didn’t get invited.”

“Really?”

“No, Rainbow Dash is lying to Applejack.”

“Well, you didn’t tell me about Twahlaht.”

“You didn’t think Big Mac was important.”

“Maybe we should just break up.”

“Fine. ...Please take me back.”

“Ah’m sorry Ah ever left you.”

They snogged for thirty minutes.

“Hey,” the pony in the little building said, “You can’t have sex on the property.”

“Is there a rule that says that?” Rainbow said. “No swearing, no hitting ponies with clubs, but nothing about sex.”

“There’s the generic ‘management may expel you for any reason’ rule.”

“Fine. Can you get off me, AJ?”

“Yeah.” She got up. “Where’s everypony else? Are we it?”

“It seems like there would be more ponies here.”

“That’s what Ah just said.”

“I was just agreeing with you.”

“Wanna get up?”

“Sure.” Rainbow stood up. “Everypony who they would’ve invited is close enough.”

“Yeah, so it seems lahke....” Then she realised it. “They set us up. There’s no mini-golf tournament, they just wanted us to do an Appledash chapter.”

“Well, there’s no way we’re doing that any more today.”

Silence.

“Ah’ll see ya for crazy passionate sex tomorrow,” Applejack said.

“I’ll see you for calm, passionate sex tomorrow.”

“Really? Ah mean, Ah know ponies’ sexual preferences don’t matter with the rest ah their personality, but... really?”

“What makes this a special case?”

“Fine, but you know it’s not as fun.”

“Well, sometimes I want something different.”

“We don’t do the same thing every tahme. Unlike what Ah’ve heard from you about Twahlaht....”

“That’s it, we’re throwin’ down.”

“Ah heard it from you.”

Rainbow slapped Applejack in the left cheek, which was countered with nothing.

“It’s your turn,” Rainbow said.

“Ah’m not gonna resort to vahlence to solve mah problems.”

“Fine. Bad day.”

“Adequate riddance.”

Rainbow flew away, whilst Applejack decided she might as well play a round of mini-golf.

Chapter 145: Octavia and Pinkie Pie: Ultimate Friction

“HmmmmmmMMMMMMmmmmmmMMM*MMM*,” Pinkie said. “I have an idea: visit Octavia! But you’re working. And why would you want to visit her anyway? Because we deserve the screen time. But you’re working. So I’ll just wait, then. I’m not a moron, you know.” She sighed. “This is the sort of thing I have to resort to when nothing happens here.”

The scene is Ponyville, a decent-size town somewhat near Canterlot, in 2012. Two ponies, one moderately prissy and one extremely prissy, are lying on a television-facing couch, having just come out of a rather standard kiss.

“You’re getting pretty good at kissing,” Lyra said like she actually had any idea. Also, what is she, a fucking teenager? If your partner enjoys it, then you’re good at it, there’s no “technique”.

“That’s good, I suppose,” Octavia said, “But to be honest, I don’t really care.”

“You need more commas.”

“You don’t need to be sarcastic.”

“I don’t need it in the same way that I don’t need everything that’s not food, water, or shelter.”

“Could you get off me and stop holding me lovingly?”

Lyra changed from a state of lying down of one of lying up, less commonly known as sitting.

“Thank you.” Octavia laid up.

“What are you going to do with your newfound freedom?”

“Get water.”

Meanwhile, Rainbow and Applejack had calm, passionate sex for a few minutes, then decided it was boring and had crazy passionate sex.

“Welpers,” Pinkie said, “It’s π^2 PM. Time to execute my plan! Wait, I can be cooler than that. Xecute. No, nopony does that anymore. Remember when ponies used to say kead? Or even keat! Good times. What was I doing? Right, execution. There was a chapter with Twilight, then Appledash times, so I need to complete the cycle.”

And so she walked to Octavia’s house. Knockeronis!

Lyra answered the door. “Hello, Pinkie Pie.”

“Hi, Lyra! I’m looking for...” Pinkie looked at her right foreleg, which had nothing on it or written on it. “Octavia.”

“She’s drinking water at the moment.”

“Oh. I’ll come back later.”

And so she walked a lap around Octavia’s house. Knockeronis!

Lyra answered the door. “Hello, Pinkie Pie.”

“Hi, Lyra! I’m looking for...” Pinkie looked at her right foreleg, which had nothing on it or written on it. “Octavia.”

“One second.”

“‘Kay.”

Lyra left off for something. One second later, Pinkie changed from her default Pinkiese happiness to annoyedness and dissatisfaction. Eight seconds later, Octavia came to the doorway.

“That took 900% as long as you ponies said it would,” Pinkie said.

“What do we have to do?”

“Well, first, approach it with more cheerfulness than that. Anyway, we need to do something to complete the cycle of mane characters.”

“What do we have to do?”

“Well, first, approach it with more cheerfulness than that. Anyway, we need to do something to complete the cycle of mane characters.”

“What should we do?”

“You could buy some delicious, nutritious—well, delicious—food from Sugarcube Corner!”

“If I was in that kind of mood, I would get something from Bon Bon’s Sweet Shop since it’s closer.”

“But we don’t just have sweets! We have pastries! That’s oor thing, dont’cha know, eh! And the extra walking will compensate for the fact that you’re eating pastries!”

“I would rather donate the money to Scootaloo.”

“But Scootaloo... is... very... very...”

“I know you’re trying to help a business you work for in a well-intentioned way, but we need to do something good for television.”

“Fine. Maybe we can... hmm... is there anything we mutually like?”

Nothing happened for fifteen seconds.

“I can’t think of anything,” Octavia said.

“Welps, then I’ll see if I can get Rainbow Dash. I have an idea involving her.”

“Okay. Good-by.”

“Adequate bye.”

Octavia closed the door, but Pinkie had anything worth showing at all planned.

Pinkie Pie walked back to right outside Sugarcube Corner. She planned to wait for Rainbow there, but quickly decided that there were no clouds and it was too cold, so she was obviously never going to find her. Thus, she decided to play some Glitch Wars. Glitch Wars 3 had several minor glitches, which caused intense debate when it came out over whether these glitches were intentional or not. The “debating” (mostly name-calling, but the smarter fans would occasionally dip into making the same point over and over again) continues on even to this day, which isn’t saying much considering the game was released last month, but that’s fine.

THE NEXT DAY!

Pinkie woke up. Which was unfortunate as far as she was concerned, as she was having a really erotic dream about Zecora. She was actually physically aroused for the first time in her life, and she wasn’t sure whether she really did or really didn’t want to do something about it. She would decide not to, but the mental arousal would annoy her for the rest of the day. She did boring morning things.

“I feel like I’m forgetting something... wait, I’m not. Time to walk down some stairs!”

“She’s heading downstairs not having read the note,” camerapony #1 said into his two-way radio.

“Understood,” said a race engineer-esque voice. Meaning someone with that voice, not an actual disembodied voice.

Pinkie went downstairs, almost running into incident by tripping and falling down the stairs. Fortunately, she was able to catch herself. As she went into the main store room (room which is a store, not storeroom) of Sugarcube Corner, she saw Derpy Hooves putting a package down through the giant glass windows and walking away. Pinkie did the obvious thing and got the package. By “got”, I mean pushed it with her leg into the building, but still got.

The package claimed it was for a “Pinkie Pie” from 0x2A Verizon Rd., Ponyville, Ponyprovince. She went to the kitchen, got a knife, went back, cut the tape, and opened the box. Inside was a bunch of packing peanuts. She overturned the box, causing a pile of packing peanuts to be on the floor of the main room of Sugarcube Corner, then dug through the pile, spreading the peanuts in the process, and eventually found a small piece of paper. It read, without doing any fancy formatting here: “Dear Pinkie Pie, Apple Bloom is a mane character again. Do stuff with her. –Programme Productions”.

“Hmm,” Pinkie said. “I wonder if she knows about this yet.”

Meanwhile, Derpy was on her way to Sweet Apple Acres to deliver two letters to Apple Bloom.

“I would totally go there anyway,” Pinkie said to herself, “But I have to stay here on the off chance we get any business.”

The year: 2012. The month: November. The weather: cold but tolerable, around five degrees. Location: Sweet Apple Acres. A mailpony who goes by “Derpy Hooves”, because that is her name, is delivering two letters. Update: the aforementioned mailpony is knocking the door right now. However, Big Mac and Applejack are apple-bucking and Apple Bloom is at school. The mailpony slips the envelopes containing the letters under the door and carries on. No, I don’t know why the Equestrian government hates mailboxes either.

LATER THAT DAY!

“Shouldn’t Apple Bloom be back by now?” Applejack said to Big Mac, or so she thought. After 3.2 seconds of not hearing a response, she looked up from her apple strudel to see that he wasn’t at the table. “Where is he?”

Applejack went upstairs and knocked on the door of Big Mac’s room. If you’re reading this in a reasonably-sized room, press escape and go over to a door. That’s how long it took for him to answer.

“Explain yourself,” Applejack said.

“Minecraft.”

“For fuck’s sakes, Ah like Minecraft as much as the next pony, but come on.”

“I finished my food.”

“Yeah, but you could at least trah to be social. You’ve done it before, so Ah know you can.”

“I don’t need to.”

Knocking: it was heard.

“Ah’ll get it,” Applejack said.

Applejack went back down the stairs and opened the door. It was Apple Bloom.

“Hi.”

“Hey. Can Ah bitch about school ta you?”

“No.”

“‘Kay.”

Apple Bloom went to her room. That makes it sound like she was being punished, but you know. Applejack went back up and knocked Big Mac’s door again.

“What?” Big Mac said.

“We need to start shoppin’ for Up Wood Day.”

“But—”

“Ah don’t care. We need ta start now or it’ll never get done in tahme.”

“Why do you need me for this?”

“We’ve always done it together.”

“That’s appeal to tradition.”

“No, you’re appealin’ to novelty. Okay, you’re not. But come with me or Ah’ll tell everypony ‘bout the tahme in the kitchen.”

“You were the one who did that.”

“Look, at the very least you’ll need to carry stuff.”

“Okay.”

“I guess now would be a good time to do stuff with Apple Bloom,” Pinkie talked to herself once again. “Just have to say something funny then walk out the door.”

Five minutes later...

“You know what, fuck it, I’ll just go over there.”

Knock, knock-knock, knock knock, knock-knock!

“Hi,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi. Did you get the news?”

“About Rainbow Dash dahin’?”

“What?! Holy crap, are you... but....”

“She’s fahne, Ah made it up. ‘Bout me bein’ a mane character?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, Ah know about that.”

“We have to do stuff.”

“Ah know.”

“Soooo... I have an idea.”

“What?”

“You could go over to Suga—”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Silence.

“Yeah, you have fun,” Apple Bloom said.

“Wait! We—”

Apple Bloom closed the door.

“Fuck,” Pinkie said. “I’m so angry I could just pick up some dirt and throw it.”

She tried to pick up some dirt, but it didn’t work with hooves.

“Fuck.”

“Umumum,” Twilight said, “Okay, she doesn’t have a pulse, but you know. Don’t panic. All you did was choke Rainbow Dash to death. Um, okay, focus. If I can get her to Zecora, she’ll be fine, just need to concentrate... concentrate on the spell....”

She miscast the spell, causing them both to end up three metres directly under Zecora’s vaja and suffocate, ending the universe.

THE END

She performed the spell correctly and barged into the vaja without knocking.

“I see you’re dragging Rainbow Dash,” Zecora said. “Did she have a little crash?”

“You’re rhyming again?”

“No. That was a coincidence.”

“Anyway, more importantly, I was strangling Rainbow to rape her, as you do, but she doesn’t have any signs of life.”

“So she’s just out of air, I see? I’ll fix her... for a fee.” She laughed in a deep voice and lightning struck nearby.

“Just make her not die.”

“Seriously, this’ll cost you money.”

“I’ll pay whatever you want, just make her live.”

“You realise that if she’s dead, there’s nothing I can do.”

“She’s not dead, she’s way too important to die. Besides, she’s tied to an element, so if she died, then we’d know because the universe wouldn’t exist.”

“You have a point.”

Zecora mixed some liquid or something and poured it into Rainbow’s mouth. After a few seconds of tense silence, Rainbow opened her eyes.

“I’m laid down at Zecora’s place,” she said. “You know what, Twilight?”

“I’m really glad you’re alive and I’m sorry?”

“I’m sick of you almost killing me.” Rainbow got up. “I think we should break up.”

“But this is so sudden!”

“Okay, how about this. You do one more stupid thing and then I’m leaving you.”

“Who’s going to be your new backup girlfriend?”

“Hmm...”

Ten seconds later...

“Yes?” Twilight said.

“I’m thinking, okay? It’s an important decision.”

“How much is it, Zecora?”

“Um... I don’t know, how much does the hospital charge?”

“It’s free, it’s a hospital.”

“Right. Um, I don’t know, I’ll see what all the ingredients are worth....”

LATER!

“Did you decide yet, Rainbow?”

“For the hundredth time, stop asking me that.”

“I have the results,” Zecora said. “You owe me exactly one hundred bits.”

“A hundred bits?”

“I’m not worth two copies of Rarity Healer 3?” Rainbow said.

“Just a second.” She teleported to the treehouse and back. “Here.”

“Thank you. Now get out of my house.”

Twilight teleported herself and Rainbow back to the treehouse bedroom.

“I’m sorry I almost killed you,” Twilight said.

“Like I said, do that one more time and we’re through. And I decided who’ll be replacing you.”

“You’ll be fine. Who is it?”

“Only the cutest, sweetest pegasus I know.”

“What?!” Fluttershy said. She took one of the two pillows on her television-facing couch and gripped it in excitement. Yes, excitement. “Does she finally...?”

“We are thinking of the same pony, right?” Twilight said. “Just to be sure this isn’t a comical misunderstanding that’ll really fuck things up down the line.”

“She’s felt an unrequited love for me for a long time, and I told her I didn’t love her, but now that I’ve thought about it for a while, I’d definitely be willing to see how a requited love would go.”

“Finally!” Fluttershy said. She held the pillow tightly to her chest. “I’m so excited I could talk at a normal volume!”

“Of course, the only pony I could be talking about is Spitfire.”

Fluttershy let the pillow go. Sacked the pillow, rather. We don’t use euphemisms around here. Her face flooded with tears in a matter of seconds, and she laid roughly facedown on the couch, put her hooves over her eyes, and cried like she saw a kitten die for eight minutes. During that time, dialogue happened at the treehouse.

“Okay,” Twilight said, “That’s who I thought it was. So I know you had that one night with her way back when FiM was on.”

“Yeah, there’s not much I can really say about it. It was the first time I had sex, I guess.”

“That seems important enough to be something to say to me. Oh, and so is there a timeframe on the next stupid thing I do? Like, is it okay if I go a month or whatever before I do something?”

“Sure, but I’m putting it at three months.”

“What? Actually, you know what, it doesn’t matter. I won’t do anything stupid.”

“Good.”

“So what now? Should we snog or something?”

“No, I won’t be over how you almost killed me until tomorrow. In fact, I’m so mad at you that I’ll sleep on a cloud instead of here.”

“Fine.”

She flew off to whiter pastures.

Chapter 146: Up Wood Day ‘012

“Welperdoozerwhatsitaronihoovingstickflaketons,” Pinkie said, “The one regularly-occurring party of the year that I don’t plan: the Up Wood Day party at Sweet Apple Acres.” She picked up a card on the Sugarcube Corner counter. “Our Earthen viewers are probably wondering what the darn Up Wood Day is. Welps, the main traditions of Up Wood Day are overeating, much like Ha’llo’we’en and Faustmas, and smashing pieces of wood of the up tree with loved ones. It celebrates some religious thing I don’t remember, but hardly anypony cares about it anymore anyway. Pinkie Pie makes—wait a minute....”

Transcriber #2 giggled.

“That’s not funny,” Pinkie said, looking towards transcriber #2. “Well, actually, it is kinda funny, but it’s insulting. Anyway, I better get ready. Wait, ‘get ready’? What would I do? Guess I’m ready, so time to head over there.”

Averagewhile, Applejack was doing cooking-related stuff whilst Big Mac watched an ashleighball game. Then came the part where Apple Bloom walked into the scene, then came the part where dialogue ensued.

“Hey, mum,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi, sweetie pie,” Applejack said with a smile on her face.

“Worst ship ever.”

Apple Bloom headed into the room with Big Mac in it. I still don’t know where a television would go in their house and I wish you would stop asking me.

“Wazzup in da house, daddy-O?”

“It’s tied nil–nil.”

“Cool. Ah’m gonna go back upstairs, leavin’ it a mystery as ta why Ah ever came down ‘ere.”

“Cool.”

“I’m not a member of the mane six anymore,” Rarity said, “So am I still invited?”

It was more silent than Rarity expected. She circumspectated the room.

“Sweetie Belle?” she said. “Where are you?”

Transcriber #1 knows where she is, but she’s not going to say (i.e., type) in case Rarity looks over at the laptop.

“She’s probably in her room.”

And so Rarity went in the direction of Sweetie Belle’s room, commonly known as “sweb”. When she finally made it, which believe me wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, she found a closed door. She briefly considered opening the door, but ultimately decided to knock on it. Sweetie Belle answered.

“I’m trying to make a crappy drawing that’ll be universally loved by my peers because they make drawings that are crappy in the same way so they think mine is good,” Sweetie Belle said, “So what is it?”

“Do you know if we’re still invited to Applejack’s Up Wood Day party?”

“Have you considered asking her?”

No response.

“So try that.”

“I will, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Rarity left for a communicative device, whether it be a phone or Facebook or whatever.

“What?” Twilight said. “It’s our turn? But Spike’s not here. Where is he, anyway? Crap, I don’t know where he is!”

Twilight searched for Spike and found him under the mattress.

“Spike?” Twilight said somewhat softly, applying pressure to him somewhat gently. “Are you awake?”

No answer.

“Spike,” Twilight said with a somewhat raised voice, pushing him almost but not quite enough for him to roll slightly. “Wake up.”

No answer.

“WAKE UP!” Twilight said, before picking Spike up and throwing him against a wall.

“Mweh...?” Spike said. “Why am I against a wall...? Why does my head hurt...?”

“Because I threw you against it so you would wake up.”

“Why do I need to wake uuup....”

“Because we have to get to the Up Wood Day party.”

“Mmmmmm....”

“Do you need me to throw you at another wall?”

“No....”

“Then get up.”

Meanwhile, Rainbow was flying and thinking about stuff. Fluttershy was... um... walking... okay, so they’re not doing anything interesting.

“You’re technically invited to the Up Wood Day party stroke celebration,” Lyra said over a cup of water that, like all tap water in Equestria, had secretly been spiked with lead by the state. Or was that publicly, and fluoride? I forget sometimes.

“I know I’m supposed to be part of the mane six, but I never really talk or do anything with them. I’d feel strange showing up there.”

“They’ll be expecting you to be there, you know.”

“I know.”

“Then what’s the problem? You don’t have to ‘feel strange showing up there’. They want you to be there.”

“Perhaps you have a point.”

“Exactly. So get over there before they start wondering where you are.”

“You mean I should just leave this second?”

“Yes.”

Octavia got up and started to walk for the door.

“Bye,” Lyra said.

Octavia kept walking and eventually left the building.

In completely random order, Rarity, Spike, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Octavia, and Sweetie Belle arrived at a Sweet Apple Acres entry point at exactly the same time. They were also carrying exactly the same amount of thyme, none.

“Last one to the door is a rotten pancreas,” Rainbow said. Twilight teleported inside, Rainbow flew to the door, Pinkie and Spike ran really fast, and the other four didn’t care.

Applejack looked in the direction of the door and saw Twilight and Rainbow.

“Straw,” Applejack said.

With two his, the response was clear.

“Come over here, Rainbow.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause we need to snog.”

“You look like you’re doing stuff.”

“Nah, Ah’m just kinda here.”

“‘Kay.”

Rainbow went to Applejack and snogging and blah blah blah love. Then Pinkie Pie and Spike entered the building.

“Yo wazzuparonist—”

Twilight put a hoof over Pinkie’s mouth, then didn’t.

“I’m doing fine,” Twilight said.

“Well, I’m doing finer.”

“I’m glad to hear you’re happy.”

“Fuck you.”

“What did I ever do?”

“You said... um... well, you said positive words, but in a very sarcastic smug-type tone. You could just hear the Rarityish satisfaction with yourself when you said ‘I’m glad to hear you’re happy’.”

“Well, I’m going to go and beg Rainbow for anything remotely sexual, only to get rejected because Applejack is near her.”

“Good.”

Twilight went over to Rainbow and Applejack, who looked like they were having fun with their kissing lying on the floor times.

“Rainbow?” Twilight said.

Rainbow shattered the kiss to ribbons, looked up at Twilight, said “no”, then resumed her business.

The scene was ready to get boring, but the 4mal 4 had just arrived 4 seconds ago, meaning it had to continue. Or you could say it did end and the portion with them was another scene. Either way, they all noticed Rainbow and Applejack.

“They could’ve at least waited 4 us be4 starting that,” Rarity said.

No response.

“What? Am I wrong?”

“We’re too quiet to respond,” Octavia said.

“Ah. Well, I expected a proper greeting and I’m going to get one.” She went to them. “Applejack? Rainbow Dash?”

They snapped out of their snogging and looked up at Rarity.

“What?” Applejack said.

“I expected a proper greeting and I’m going to get one.”

“Hey.”

“That’s it?”

Applejack noticed Fluttershy, Octavia, and Sweetie Belle.

“Hey, ponies.”

No response.

“Well, Ah’m gonna snog with Rainbow for a couple more minutes then maybe check on cookin’y stuff or somethin’. Ah dunno. lol.”

“What do we do now?” Sweetie Belle said to no one in particular, fully expecting an answer.

“There’s no food to overeat,” Fluttershy said.

“I’m going to say hi to Apple Bloom,” Sweetie Belle said. “Maybe hello if I’m feeling ambitious.”

So she was off. Instead of nothing happening, Fluttershy and Octavia looked at each other. They didn’t say anything, just looked into each other’s eyes. Rarity was going to go back to them, but thought she would be interrupting something. That makes it sound like she had some mystical fuzzy inexplicable feeling about it, but you know. She saw they were looking at each other and thought a conversation was going to happen.

“I don’t want to say anything for sure yet,” Fluttershy said, “But I think I love you.”

“Excuse me?” Octavia said, confused both about the love and that Fluttershy said something reasonably unprovoked.

“I think if we spent some time together, we would realise that we love each other.”

“What? Look, I’m already in a closed relationship with Lyra.”

“No, I mean in a platonic way. Why, did that sound like I meant it romantically?”

“Yes.”

Fluttershy thought over what she said. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. But yes, we could, perhaps, become good friends. I’m not trying to say things like ‘perhaps’ to imply that we probably wouldn’t like each other, just to agree with you that it has a small but still existent chance of not working.”

“I know.”

Rarity went to them since the interrupting no longer seemed to apply.

“Octavia?” she said.

“Yes?”

“Can we talk so I can feel like I have friends?”

“I’m sorry, I know you’re a good pony, but I’m already committed to Fluttershy.”

“Okay....”

And so Rarity exploded. Or maybe she didn’t. Yeah, she didn’t.

“Is there anything we both have an interest in?” to Fluttershy said Octavia.

“Not that I know of....”

“Does that mean you’ll talk with me instead and make me feel wanted and loved?” Rarity said.

“Sure,” Octavia said.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, why would you ask me that?”

“You said ‘sure’. That’s not nearly formal enough. Are you really Octavia?”

“If I say yes, you won’t believe me, and if I say no, you’ll just be confused.”

“That sounds like your problem, not mine.”

“Fluttershy, do you like documentaries with agendae?”

“I like documentaries with morals. Why?”

“Because taste in television or films is the best way to tell if somepony can a friend of another pony. Why, do you not know that?”

“Of course I do.”

“Does this mean you’ll talk with me instead and make me feel wanted and loved?” Rarity said.

“Sure,” Octavia said.

“Okay, so Applejack is doing cooking stuff for a minute,” Twilight said, “So now can we do something? At least for a minute?”

“Will you not nearly kill me?”

“I swear I won’t hurt you. You can kill me or something if I do.”

“Death sounds like a harsh punishment for injury.”

“You know what I mean.”

“And you want me to do stuff to you.”

“Not right now. So do you want to snog or not?”

“I’ve been more feeling more like AJ.”

“Please?”

“No.”

“Beautiful please?”

“No.”

“I love you....”

“No.”

“I know I’m not all perfect like you think AJ is even though I’m obviously a better pony than her, I mean—”

“Twilight.”

“Sorry... I know Appledash is the right thing, it’s just that I’m her love rival, so....”

“It’s okay.”

“Please?”

“Be more dramatic about it.”

“I don’t feel like begging, though.”

“Fine. Then you’re not getting anything.”

“Fine!”

They turned away from each other.

“This is where you beg and stuff,” Rainbow said.

“No.”

“Fine. Then you’re not getting anything.”

“Fine!”

Okay, so we have Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, Appledash, and Rarity and Octavia, for which leaves Fluttershy, Twilight, Spike, and Pinkie Pie unaccounted. So Twilight went to Fluttershy.

“Gehennao,” Fluttershy said.

“So... antisocial stuffs?”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“Why?”

“Why would you walk up to me like that if you were antisocial?”

“I’m so bad with social stuff that I don’t understand why that doesn’t make sense.”

“Um... that doesn’t... don’t you have Spike to talk with?”

“I guess you’re right.”

Twilight made the journey to Spike. This left Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie the fantastic rhyming duo, not to be confused with the time Scootaloo and Zecora wrote a song together, to talk about something. What would it be? Religion? Shipping? Politics? Something less emotionally charged? There’s only one way to find out!

“Howdy, Fluttershy,” Pinkie said in a severely overdone impression of Applejack.

“Hello.”

“You what we need to talk about? Shipping and religion.”

“Are you sure—”

“Yes, I’m sure of whatever you were about to say. We’re the two friendliest ponies evar, how could we possibly get in an argument? I mean, try to imagine that. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy arguing. Doesn’t make sense, does it?”

“What can we even—”

“You like documentaries that document things everypony already knows, right?”

“I like documentaries with morals.”

“Oh.”

The awkwardness was measurable by awkrometers fifteen hundred kilometres away.

“We’re actually pretty much opposites,” Pinkie said, and even though everyone knows the pairs of oppositely-personalitied mane six ponies are Rainbow/Fluttershy, Applejack/Rarity, and Twilight/Pinkie, she does kind of have a point. There was no response. “Am I boring you?”

“No.”

“Be honest.”

“Slightly....”

“Why do you feel like you have to lie to me?”

“It’s the polite thing to do. You always say that your friend looks nice or a present is good even when it’s not true.”

“Yeah. I guess you have a point.”

Another silence.

“This isn’t working out,” Pinkie said.

Breathe. You’ve been reading this way too quickly. Just breathe in... haaaaa... breathe out... haaaaa. There. Doesn’t that feel nice?

“Foodstuffs!” Applejack said.

“Foodstuffs?!” Pinkie Pie, Rainbow, Twilight, and Spike said.

“Foodstuffs?” Fluttershy, Rarity, Octavia, and Big Mac said.

“Big Mac,” Applejack said, “Can you get Apple Bloom an’ Sweetie Belle?”

“Eeyup.”

And so Big Mac went off to do that. Laid out on the table were most of the traditional Up Wood Day foodstuffs, which will now be listed (what was on the table, not the set of traditional Up Wood foodstuffs): cranberry sauce, cranberry “sauce”, cranberry πe, cranberry bread, rolls, cranberry jam, trail mix (dried cranberries, dried blueberries, peanuts), and cranberry juice.

“So yeah,” Applejack said, “Foodstuffs.”

“It looks crantastic,” Pinkie said.

Silence.

“Twilight?” Pinkie said.

“What?”

“If you have an urge to kill or something, you can go ahead on me.”

“You can live.”

“Thanks.”

And so everypony, including Big Mac, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle, sat down for the first part of traditional Up Wood Day festivities, the second and last part of which is the stuff with the wood. You have to do it in order. Like, you don’t unwrap your birthday presents before you eat the cake, right? Well, maybe you do, but normal people don’t. Replace “do” with “did” depending upon your age. Anyway, everyone got their initial food, then some dialogue happened.

“Nom,” Apple Bloom said.

“Om nom,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Om Shanti Nom.”

“I’m one thirty-seventh Vietnomese.”

“Ah got nominated for an obscure but prestigious science award.”

“Do you know about a NOM for Cooking Nomma?”

“There’s one at pahracytahmes.nom.”

Silence.

“You give up?” Apple Bloom said with a smug, slightly pouted face.

“My effort was pretty nominal anyway.”

“Ah’m still gonna nominate.”

“What if I like to nom on nominy?”

“Ah’m still the more nomulent pony.”

“Don’t give me any of that nomsense.”

“You’re the one with the intelligence of a nombat.”

“Well, you... um....”

“Give up now?”

“Yeah. You win.”

“This’s suddenly turned inta a pretty nombre day for ya.”

“Shut up, you already won.”

Apple Bloom took a sporkful of cranberry sauce... and ate it! However, all that happened after that was boring dialogue, or sometimes storytelling monologue. Occasionally, everyone at the table would laugh (except Big Mac, because I can’t imagine what him laughing would sound like without being traumatised for a week), implying something funny was said, but all of the things they laughed at were either in-jokes I don’t understand, cliché self-deprecation, or terrible puns.

Eventually, everyone had all their food, someone made a cliché comment about how they ate too much on Up Wood Day again, someone else made a cliché response about how that’s the point of the holiday, moderate dispersion ensued, and it was time for the second part of the traditions to begin. Rainbow walked up to Applejack. Actually, there was barely any change in her z-position. Why is height y in Minecraft? That doesn’t make any sense! Normally it’s z, and even x would sort of make sense, but having y as height is like writing a date and putting the year in the middle. Or the day, I guess. The point is, what culture would be dumb enough to write dates with the day in the middle?

“AJ?” Rainbow said to Applejack, who was standing around doing nothing. There was no response, so she waved her hoof in front of Applejack’s face. “You okay?” There was no response, so Rainbow slapped her in the cheek.

“Huh?” Applejack said. “Oh, hi, Rainbow. How long’ve you been there?”

“Just a few seconds. I came up to you and you were just kinda... vacant.”

“Sorry. Um, did you wanna tell me somethin’?”

“Yeah. Um, look—” Rainbow stopped herself for a second. “Actually, I’m not sure if I wanna tell you this yet.”

“What? You can tell me anythin’, we’re us.”

“Well, it’s just, it’s going to seem really sudden... I don’t even know if I’m ready for it yet, but I know it’s the right thing to do.”

“What? This’s ahbviously somethin’ Ah need to know, so tell me.”

“Well... I think we should break up.”

“What... but... whah...? What did Ah do?” Applejack tried to hold back tears, succeeding.

“You’ve been a really awesome pony to me, so—”

“You don’t need to soften the blow, just tell me whah you’re doin’ this.”

“Because we love each other and it’s, y’know, the standard thing for ponies who love each other to do today.”

“What?” She sniffled. “Ah was really shocked an’ sad, but now Ah’m confused.”

“Do I need to draw you some fanart? We should get some planks of wood—”

“Ohhhh. Okay. Yeah, Ah see. Ah thought you meant break up lahke end our relationship....”

“No. Why would I ever leave you?”

“Well, it could happen....”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “No, it couldn’t. Anyway, you wanna do that stuff?”

“Ah course Ah do, Ah’ll go an’ get the wood.”

“I’ll change a word of my fanfic and call it a productive day.”

“Cool.”

Which left the question of what everyone else was going to do. We have Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, Octavia and Rarity, Twilight and Spike, and Fluttershy and Pinkie. Relations between the last two are deteriorating, though. No, we can’t have more than two in a group, are you crazy? We’ll put Fluttershy with Big Mac.

“Fluttershy,” Fluttershy said to herself, “This standing around thing isn’t working. You’re not talking with anypony or even overeating. You need to get a designated friend.” She looked through a conveniently existent straight line, much like the one from Verdanturf to Mauville Beach—um, transcriber #2?

“What?”

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s a Pokémon reference.”

“Okay, but it’s kinda... in your face, you know?”

“Maybe if we lampshade it really well. And then lampshade the lampshading! And then lampshade that lampshading. And then—”

“No amount of self-reference will let me forgive you.”

“So if I mentioned that no matter how much—”

“No.”

She saw Big Mac idly watching television. She decided that, you know, they shared some personality traits, and she went over to him. Big Mac did a brief wave, which just made her more nervous than if he had talked.

“Hi,” Fluttershy said quietly even for her.

“Is there a reason you came over here?”

“We need to talk.”

“About?”

“No, just in general.”

“Why?”

“Because I got lonely.”

“You’re Fluttershy. Do you secretly love me?”

“No. I openly love Rainbow Dash.”

“But she’s never going to be with you.”

“I know, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love her.”

“Why do we need to talk?”

“Because standing around doing nothing didn’t work for me and I don’t want to overeat.”

“That’s your problem.”

“Come on, you’re not like that. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. What happened to Pinkie Pie?”

“We couldn’t really find a reason to talk.”

She didn’t respond.

“Are you sure you don’t secretly love me?” Big Mac said.

“Yes.”

“I believe you, but you’re acting like....”

“I know.” She slowly backed away.

“Ah got the wood,” Applejack said. She was wearing a couple bags full of up boards.

“Cool.”

“Whah do you care, Apple Bloom?”

“Ah don’t, really.”

“Where’s Rainbow?”

“She’s outsahde.”

“What?”

“She’s—”

“Yeah, Ah know what you said.”

Applejack opened the door and looked outside to find Rainbow sitting against the front wall.

“Did Ah walk right bah you?”

“Yes.”

She went fully outside and closed the door. “Sorry.”

“I still love you.”

“♥.”

“Now I don’t love you.”

“Fine, let’s break up.”

“That’s exactly what we don’t be doing, because we’re not together anymore.”

“Ah’ll just break up with Big Mac, then.”

“Fine!”

Applejack didn’t go anywhere.

“Take me back,” Applejack said.

“I’m sorry I ever left you.”

They walked in a random direction for a bit.

“What do you think of here?” Rainbow said. “Nice secluded clearing.”

“How did we get into this forest?”

“I don’t know.” She looked around. “Do you remember where we came from?”

“Ah think it was that way....”

“Are we lost?”

“Yeah, we’re lost.”

They had sex.

“Male stuff,” Spike said, presumably to Big Mac. The transcriber looked up from her laptop. Yeah, it was Big Mac.

“Ashleighball stuff,” Big Mac said.

“Pretending I know anything about the subject.”

“Antisocial stuff?” Fluttershy said to Twilight.

“Antisocial stuff.”

“How do I make Rainbow love me more?”

“Ask Applejack.”

“Fancy stuff,” Rarity said.

“We’ve already gone over that,” Octavia said.

“Okay,” Pinkie said, “How am I the lonely one? Rarity and Fluttershy and Big Mac and Octavia are all here and Pinkie Pie is the lonely one? That’s just not right.” She made her way over to Spike and, by the transitive property of equality, Big Mac.

“Spike,” Pinkie said, interrupting something Big Mac was saying.

“What?” spoke Spike, turning his head to Pinkie.

“We need to talk about immature stuffs or something. I can’t be the lonely one, I’m Pinkie Pie.”

“I’m already busy pretending to know about sports stuff.”

“But how can I be the lonely one when Rarity, Fluttershy, Big Mac, and Octavia are all at the same party?! It doesn’t make sense!”

“Well, you know what else doesn’t make sense? Dark energy. But it still exists.”

“Fine. I’ll just hijack a different pony. Well, you’re a dragon, but you know.”

“Like?”

“Like I could... um... I don’t know, everypony seems happy. But I’ll find a way. You’ll see.”

Pinkie slowly backed away towards the table, then ate something to make it seem like there was a non-awkward purpose to her movement.

“Ah was really imaginin’ somewhere more hill cresty,” Applejack said, “Since, y’know, that’d be romantic ‘n’ stuff.”

“Yeah, I see what you mean.”

“That’s offensive.”

“You’re politically correct.”

“Maybe we ain’t so perfect for each other.”

“Fine. I’ll fly a... fly away... I could fly up to tell where we are! Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Well, do it!”

“Is that Rainbow Dash?” Sweetie Belle said, looking out a window which never needed to be mentioned before.

“No,” Apple Bloom said as she wrote an unpunctuated rant about an update to some game that made it more balanced.

“Come over here, I swear.”

Rainbow went back down just before Apple Bloom turned around. She went over to the window.

“Are you gonna tell me she just left?” Apple Bloom said.

“Yep. But it’s all on camera, so you’ll see.”

“Ah would say about how Ah’m all sceptical or whatever, but Ah’m actually kinda not.”

Sweetie Belle wrapped a leg around Apple Bloom’s neck and pulled her closer, and by “closer” I mean “to physical contact”. Then someone mentioned atoms and how you can’t actually touch things or something like that, but you know what I mean. Well, I shouldn’t complain, I’m one of those people who hates it when people call Mount Everest anything more than the mountain with the highest peak above sea level. Anyway, Sweetie Belle gave her a “hug”.

“I love you,” Sweetie Belle said.

“What?”

“In a platonic way.”

“Then Ah love ya too.”

“Really?!”

“Yeah... you know Ah meant in a platonic way too, raht?”

“Uh, yeah, obviously. Don’t be so condescending, Faust.”

“Ah’m goin’ back to rantin’.”

“Okay.”

“So where are we?” Applejack said.

“If we go straight that way,” Rainbow pointed in a direction, “We can get back to the barn, and if we go that way,” she pointed in a direction, “There’s a good hill.”

“Let’s go the hill way.”

“Cool.”

“So you two are on the market?” Pinkie said.

“Big Mac kicked me out once he realised everything I was saying was just jokes insulting myself for how little I knew,” Spike said.

“All I did was talk about my fashion achievements a little,” Rarity said. “I don’t see what’s wrong with being proud of yourself.”

“I’ll take Spike.”

“What?!” Rarity said, stamping her hoof once. “Wait, what about us, Spike? We should just be together.”

“Be together?”

“Not like that, like talk with each other. After all, you like me for my personality, don’t you? Not just because I’m attractive?”

“Yeeeaaah... you see, I don’t like you as much as you think....”

“What? But I thought you honestly liked me!”

“I don’t think you’re a terrible pony, I just don’t think you’re completely perfect like you think.”

“Wait. Do you, overall, love me or not?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

“So, Spike?” Pinkie said.

“Relaxed fun informal stuffs?” Spike said.

“Excited fun informal stuffs.”

“Now what?” Rarity said to herself. “My only options are Octavia, who just picked me under loneliness, and Big Mac, and I don’t even like him. He’s so... well... actually, he doesn’t have a lot of the same traits as Applejack and Apple Bloom. I could go on for hours about why I hate Applejack. Not Apple Bloom since she’s sufficiently young that I would feel bad for hating her, but Big Mac... I should at least talk to him to see for sure whether I should hate him or not.”

And so Rarity walked over to him.

“Hello, Big Macintosh,” Rarity wait, intosh?

“‘Macintosh’?” exactly, Big Mac.

“Sorry. Anyway, I was wondering if I could talk to you about something.”

“What?”

“Not anything specific, just... something.”

“Do you secretly love me?”

“Well, that’s what I’m trying to find out. You see, you don’t have a few of the things I hate your siblings for, so I was wondering to myself how good of a pony I should think of you as.”

“I still hate you.”

“Fine. I hate you too.”

“I don’t care about your opinions.”

“I don’t care about your opinions.”

And that’s how she walked away from the only pony who would ever support her. Okay, he wouldn’t support her.

“This is a nahce place,” Applejack said. “Ah like the view with the slightly rollin’ hills for sunset-watchin’. The drop’s a bit steeper an’ haher than Ah imagined, though. Ah mean, it ain’t a cliff, but fallin’ down it would still hurt.”

“Why, did you wanna roll down it or something?”

“Yeah....”

“That’s for ponies who’re still realising they’re in love. I mean, when you see two ponies romantically rolling down a hill, do you think ‘wow, they’ve prolly been in a relationship for a while now’? No.”

“Ah guess.”

“Look, you’re not going to get the nice, gradual hill of your dreams without going way over your budget.”

“This’ll do. You’re raht anyway, we’re way past stuff like that.”

“Do you really mean that or is that just what you’re tellin’ yourself?”

“Well... Ah wanna roll down a hill with you.”

Rainbow sighed and Applejack took her bags off.

“Let’s just do this,” Applejack said.

“Hey, not if you’re gonna be like that. We’re only doing this once a year, so I want you to have fun.”

“Whah do you care about all this soppy love stuff anyway? An’ don’t rant again.”

“I care about you being happy. Come on, sit down.”

Rainbow sat down with her lower legs over the edge of the feature, Applejack doing the same.

“You okay?” Rainbow said.

“Ah’m fahne, all raht?”

“Look, it’s not the nice somewhat gradual hill you wanted, but you’re still doing stuff with me, right? You like that.”

“Ah guess.” Applejack hugged Rainbow, which was a lot less awkward than normal with them sitting. “Can’t we just go over to the hills there in the background?”

“Why is the location so important to you in the first place?”

“Slaht hills are romantic. Am Ah the only one that thinks that?”

“I just don’t really care where we do this.”

“Well, it makes a difference to me, so come on.”

“Um...” said Octavia. Big Mac looked at her. “We’re both alone and Rarity and myself and Rarity and you didn’t work out, so this was the logical thing to do, but... it’s not that I don’t like you....”

“You don’t have to like me.”

“I know, but... take Applejack. I know she dislikes me, but I don’t have a problem with her. I respect the way she lives. So we could like each other.”

“Lyra’s associated with you enough to be invited.”

“She is?”

“Eeyup.”

“I wish I knew, then—”

Lyra appeared out of thin air directly in front of Octavia.

“Lyra?” Octavia said.

“I was watching ERN’s live coverage of Up Wood Day ‘012 and I saw you were lonely. Come on, let’s find a furniture to snog on.”

“I didn’t know there was live coverage.”

“You’re coming with me.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack were sitting at the summit of a moderately rolling hill. It was immediately surrounded by other rolling hills much like it. Off to their left and part of their forward was the forest from whence they came, whilst off to their forward, backward, and right were mountains. The mountains were devoid of snow but absolutely covered in trees, which sounds normal, but in the second dimension it’s usually the opposite.

“Feel better now?” Rainbow said.

“Yeah,” said Applejack before hugging her. “Ah’m sorry. Ah know it’s about the fun an’ romance ah breakin’ up an’ not picture-perfect hills, but Ah still wanted everythin’ to be perfect, ‘cause lahke you said, it only ‘appens once a year, so....”

“It’s okay.” Rainbow hugged her. “I mean, to be honest, I thought you were being ridiculous and I still do, but it’s okay.”

“Whah’s it okay, then?”

“‘Cause I love and respect you and stuff. You just wanted to make the most out of your time with your wi’l’ Wainbow.”

Applejack pushed her away. “Ah already told ya not to say that.”

“Whatever.” Rainbow took a plank of up and held it out to Applejack. “Here, take out your anger on the entire point we came out here.”

“Ah’m not really mad, just slahtly irritated.”

Rainbow punched Applejack in the cheek.

“Hey!” Applejack said, briefly rubbing her cheek. “The hell was that for?!”

“Tryin’ to make you mad.”

“Well, it didn’t work, but the fact that you would want me mad makes me mad.” She took the board and smashed it against the ground, breaking it in two. Applejack looked at the wood for a couple seconds in pure emotion. None of the transcribers were sure whether it was anger or satisfaction or what, but she definitely felt very strongly. She turned to Rainbow.

“Is that just what you planned?” Applejack said.

“No, but it worked, so whatever.”

“That’s not what Ah wanted you to say.”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not completely predictable and easy to manipulate. What did you want me to say?”

“What did Ah absolutely most want ya to say?”

“Yeah.”

“We should fuck right here, right now,” Applejack said in an uncanny impression of her.

“Well, if you wanna have sex, you can just say so, you don’t need to be all builduppy about it. The ground might be a bit unsanitary, though.”

Applejack threw off her hat, grabbed and started kissing Rainbow, and Rainbow pushed her a bit or bit her tongue or did something to make her stop.

“What?” Applejack said. Then it got windy.

“This ground thing is a serious problem.”

“You’re fuckin’ with me. We’ve spontaneously stopped in random places before and had sex. Not as much as you an’ Twahlaht from what Ah understand, but it’s still happened.”

“I think we should be more careful.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I was talking with Rarity—”

“Okay, you’re makin’ this up. Just fuck me.”

“Why are you suddenly so Twilighty?”

“Fahne.” Applejack took a plank from the bags. “C’mon, you haven’t broken a piece yet.”

Rainbow took it, looked at it for a moment, and put it down.  “I don’t know, I’m just not in the mood.”

“Well, if you don’t wanna have sex or break up, then Ah have no ahdea whah we’re even here.”

“Just a second. This is gonna seem weird, but just don’t talk for a few seconds.”

Several seconds later...

“Okay,” Rainbow said, “I feel normal again.”

“What was that about?”

“I don’t know, I just got into this weird mode where I didn’t feel like anything. Not feeling like sleeping or anything like that, just didn’t feel like... anything.”

“But you’re better now?”

“Yeah.”

“So you’re ready to break up?”

“So we can have sex now.”

“Okay.”

And so they started laid-down holding each other kissing, but thirty seconds in there was a critical leaning error and they broke apart and rolled down the hill. They got up and went to each other.

“You okay?” Applejack said.

“I’m fine, you?”

“Yeah. Wanna trah again down ‘ere?”

“Sure.”

“There has to be somepony to make me feel cared about,” Rarity told herself. “Let’s see, Pinkie Pie and Spike, we all know how that went, Octavia and Lyra look pretty, well... comfortable with each other, Big Mac didn’t work out, but Twilight or Fluttershy....”

And so Rarity went over to Twilight and Fluttershy, who were snogging on a surprisingly bottom-heavy chair. No, not really. The thing about the bottom-heavy chairs is true, though.

“Um...” Rarity said like she was Fluttershy, interrupting what must’ve been a very interesting conversation. Okay, so Fluttershy was eating some cranberry bread and Twilight was leaning back with her eyes closed having a sex fantasy, but I can dream. Twilight opened her eyes when she heard Rarity.

“Look,” Twilight said, “We’re having a good time together. Can’t you just let a couple of friends hang out without having to—”

“Fine,” Rarity said. “Like I need you anyway.” She walked off to somewhere else.

“You know, Fluttershy,” Twilight said, “We’re supposed to be good friends, but this is the first time we’ve seen each other in a while now.”

“You and Rarity? I—”

“No, us. Look, Fluttershy, I know I never get to spend much time with you, but I want you to know that I still love you.”

“I never thought you didn’t.”

“Thank you.”

“Um... I’m sorry if this is none of my business, but just to avoid silence, what were you doing when you were just on the chair with your eyes closed for a couple minutes? Were you tired?”

“I was thinking. About something very... very...”

“If you’d rather not talk—”

“No, no, I don’t want you to think it’s anything creepy.”

“If you want to keep it to yourself, that’s fine.”

“I guess, it’s just that I don’t want you to think it’s something insane or....”

“No, I wouldn’t think that.”

“Okay....”

Twilight took a bite of cranberry “sauce” in a vain attempt to make the silence less awkward.

They’re still having sex? Dammit, there’s nothing else to show!

“You know,” Sweetie Belle said, “I could help with—crap, we’re on.”

“What?”

“Um, I was just talking to Apple Bloom about... fanfiction... that we... were writing.”

“Exactly,” Apple Bloom said. “Creepy fanfiction. Definitely not somethin’ you’d wanna hear about!”

“Nope. Because that’s what we were talking about: creepy fanfiction.”

“Eeeeexactly.”

“I’d be willing to experiment,” Pinkie said. “Never tried it with a dragon, of course, but—”

“Um, Pinkie?”

“What? Oh, um, crap. It’s not what it looks like. You know on that show when the kid heard part of a conversation her parents were having out of context and she thought they hated her? It’s like that.”

“You don’t need to see our identification.”

“Move along.”

Octavia and Lyra were still snogging and in no position to do anything, whilst Big Mac was watching television and eating bread.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash lying next to each other. IN SPACE! No, not really. But you know what should be in space? Pancakes. Okay, I just looked up the ISS menu, and apparently there are pancakes in space. I mean, how awesome is that? Pancakes in space!

“Rainbow?” Applejack said.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe this is a bad tahme to ask, but Ah think we should break up.”

Rainbow didn’t respond.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Break up? Why would you think now is a good time to tell me that? Why do you even want to break up with me anyway?”

“Well, duh, we’re in love an’ stuff.”

“What?”

“We’ve only done, lahke, one today.”

“I don’t under... oh, you mean like break some up.”

“Yeah. What did you think Ah meant?”

“Like you were leaving me.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

Rainbow kissed Applejack briefly to make the next line feel relevant. “Don’t leave me.”

“Ah would never do that.”

“What if I killed somepony?”

“Well, it depends on who.”

“You know what, let’s just break up already.”

“But Ah thought—”

“With the height difference we’re working with?” Pinkie said. “You’re not seriously—um, again, it’s not what it sounds like.”

“We’d explain it to you, but it’s a secret,” Spike said.

“Exactly. So go away.”

“Are you sure you can hold ‘er down?” Apple Bloom said.

“Unless you—um, Apple Bloom?”

“What?” She looked towards the camera. “Oh. We’re not plannin’ anythin’ illegal.”

“Why would two innocent foals plan something so illegal?”

“We’re nahce.”

“Not rape,” Fluttershy said. “But if she would just force me into a kiss, I would really like that.”

“I see,” Twilight said.

“More than anything in the world, I just wish she would... how should I put this....”

“Make you her bitch?”

“Well, yes, but a milder version of that.”

“In terms of swearing or the actual message?”

“Both.”

“Okay,” Rainbow said. “We’ve been through a lot today, and by a lot I mean bad timing and sex—the sex wasn’t bad, just the timing—but we’re finally ready to break up.”

“Wh—”

“Wood. Break some up wood.”

“Got it. Yeah, Ah agree.”

“Okay.” Rainbow took a slab and threw it Frisbee®-style. It hit a tree and shattered into hundreds of pieces.

Applejack grabbed a piece. “Ahkay. It’s all in the... wrist...?”

“Yeah, that doesn’t apply to us.”

“Fuck it.” She threw it flying disc-style. It bounced off the ground and uppercut her opponent, causing it 62 (+5) damage.

“Yeah, but then the whole ‘no lubricant’—” Spike noticed they were on, “Oh, for fuck’s sakes.”

“So then there’s nothing stopping you from putting the knife in her heart or throat or wherever and we’re done,” Sweetie Belle said.

“That’s a great plan for the video game,” Apple Bloom said.

“Oh, yes. The video game. Which we are making plans for.”

“Yes. That video game.”

“Maybe mix it up a bit,” Rainbow said. She threw it with the large side in front of her, but it didn’t even reach halfway down the hill before it hit the ground, staying completely intact. “Fuck.”

“There’s a reason you throw it like you do,” Applejack said. She took a piece and threw it like a normal pony, for it to curve horribly and land more right than it did forwards.

“Nice distance, at least...” Rainbow said.

“C’mon, you don’t have to be so positive.”

“You are fucking terrible at this. The sloppiness in the way you throw is only exceeded by that in the way you eat or—”

“You know what Ah mean.”

“That doesn’t mean I have to do it.”

“Just throw a fuckin’ block. It’s your turn.”

“Hey, this is what delayed us for so long before. I want you to be happy.”

“Actually, what really delayed us was all the sex we had.”

“Yeah, well, what can you do about that.”

“Have any self-control at all. Ah mean, we just dropped everythin’—which, to be fair, was only some up an’ mah hat—wait, Ah should get that.” Applejack turned around. “Er, Rainbow?”

Rainbow turned around. “It’s gone.”

“Yep.”

Silence.

“Do you remember which way the wind was goin’ when you put your hat—” Rainbow said.

“Ah think that way, but it’s prolly forever away now.”

“‘Forever away’?”

“Well, you say stuff’s lahke ‘fifteen minutes away’, so y’know....”

“Fair enough. Um, I’m gonna at least go over there for a couple minutes, not too long, and see what I can do.”

“Okay.”

Rainbow flew up and away.

“Okay,” Rainbow said, “Super serious searchy ti—” she saw the hat behind a hill that was the only reason they didn’t just see it immediately. “Oh, it’s right there.”

She went down, got the hat, and came back.

“It wasn’t too far.”

“Yeah, Ah saw ya the whole tahme.”

“Cool. So whose turn was it?”

“...Uh....”

“Look at the transcript?”

“Yeah.”

“I swear, if you do that I will go absolutely crazy,” Pinkie said.

“How fast so I should I do it, though?”

“Spike.”

“There aren’t any stupid questions when we’re working with something like this.”

“As fast as you can possibly do it.”

“Okay.”

“And that’s my argument against those conversation starter cards,” Twilight said.

“You should say it all over again.”

“Why? Oh, cameras. Okay, well, basically, cutting all the minor details and swearing out, how hateful disconnectedness does your family or whatever have to be that you actually need a deck of conversation-starters to start a conversation?”

“What about the other point you made?”

“Is that major enough? Okay. And how would you introduce the cards? Would you just walk up to your family whilst they were eating their nuclear family Up Wood dinner and say ‘hey, I bought a bunch of cards with conversation-starters on them’? It would be the most awkward thing ever. Or maybe you could stay up in the middle of the night, put them somewhere prominent, and then the next day deny you had anything to do with them, just like everypony else will.”

Fluttershy succeeded in suppressing her laughter, but still smiled.

“Okay, we’re on again,” Rainbow said, holding a piece of up. What do you mean “how big are the up boards”? It’s not important. “So, it’s my turn, and....”

She threw it and it hit the same tree as before, smashing in a more large-pieced, splintery fashion than the earlier one.

“You lahke that tree,” Applejack said.

“You don’t have enough data points.”

Applejack took a piece and threw it and it hit the ground and broke a little. It wasn’t a good one.

“Good aim,” Rainbow said.

“What did Ah say about positivity?”

“I’m just trying to be nice.”

“Ah don’t like you ‘cause you’re unconditionally nice. Just be Rainbow Dash.”

“You’re biased.”

“Havin’ extreme feelin’s ain’t the same as bias.”

“Fine.” Rainbow took a block and threw it. It hit the same tree.

“You got anythin’ to say, Rainbow?”

“Data points.”

The cameras “caught” Fluttershy taking a sip of water, because apparently people like to see that sort of thing.

“So,” Twilight said, “This is the part where I say something I know you won’t understand because saying obscure stuff is cool.”

“Okay....”

“I like how technetium and promethium are all backwards cap rebellious, you know?”

“No.”

“Exactly.”

“Should we get some food?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Are we hungry?”

“Yes.”

“How do you know if Ah’m hungry?”

“I’m psychic.”

“You can’t read mahnds.”

“I’m a unicorn and I’m psychic.”

“‘Kay... what number am Ah thinkin’ of?”

“14.16.”

“What.”

“I got it?”

“Yeah, that’s what Ah was thinkin’ of.”

“I can’t actually do that kind of thing, I just picked a random number.”

“Well, it was the same one Ah did....”

“You’re trolling me.”

“Ah swear Ah’m not.”

“You are.”

“Ah swear on mah mother’s grave. ...It’s depressin’ Ah can do that already.”

“I know how it feels. And Scootaloo... you know, did it ever occur to you that all six of our parents are dead?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Why are your throws so boring?” Rainbow said.

“Ah dunno. Anyway, it’s your turn.”

Rainbow took a piece of up and threw it on the ground. Not really, she Frisbee®d it. It went wide of the tree and hit a different one.

“So there.”

“Good for you.”

“Rarity?” said Fluttershy, now at Rarity.

“Hm?” Rarity looked up from a bowl of cranberry sauce. “Oh, you actually want to talk to me about something?”

“Twilight got mad at me when I misused ‘begs the question’. I tried to tell her I knew what it meant and it was a mistake, but she didn’t seem to care.” She took a seat. “Has anything changed with you?”

“Not really. I’m still just barely making enough money to survive on not fast food. What did I do to deserve this, Fluttershy?”

She shrugged.

“Okay,” Applejack said, “This has to be interestin’.” She threw a plank up vertically. It wasn’t perfectly vertical, though; it was clearly going to land a few metres behind them, and so they turned around. Well, Applejack turned around. Rainbow was lazy and just looked behind her. But either way, they watched it shatter like the things in Sumotori Dreams.

“Good effort,” Rainbow said.

“Shut up.”

“I don’t know how I’d do that unless I had a door made of up or something.”

“Just grab a board.”

Rainbow took a board and threw it on the ground a couple metres in front of her as hard as she could. It wasn’t as dramatic as she had hoped.

“Good effort,” Applejack said.

“Shut up.”

“Ah don’t know how Ah’d—”

“Just grab a board.”

Applejack threw a board a couple metres up in the air and karate chopped it on the way down, causing herself a minor cut on her knee when a shard of wood scraped it. She put a hoof on it, as you do.

“Owwv,” she said with 2½ Ws.

“You okay?”

“No. Um, fuck, it’s bleedin’,” she said as if Rainbow couldn’t tell.

“I’ll go back to the house, will you be okay for a few minutes?”

“No.”

“Too bad, there’s no other choice.”

And so Rainbow flew off.

“Can you believe they rejected that, Fluttershy?” Rarity said.

“I don’t know anything about fashion, so yes.”

Rainbow burst through the unlocked door, went into the lavatory, wet a towel and took a couple bandages, went outfrom the lavatory, and burst through the doorway.

“I wonder what that could be about,” Rarity said.

“Who could’ve gotten hurt?”

“Her or Applejack, one would think.”

“I hope they’re okay.”

“Are there ponies you wouldn’t hope were okay?”

“That just felt like the right thing to say.”

“You rhymed.”

“So?”

“So it’s mildly embarrassing.”

Fluttershy shrugged.

“Hey, Rainbow,” said Big Mac’s youngest sibling’s sister.

She cleaned up the blood, bandaged the wound, and rode a Ferris wheel.

“You feel okay?” Rainbow said, thinking she could do anything with the information. Or maybe she just wanted to know if her girlfriend felt okay.

“It stings a little, but Ah’ll live.”

“You wanna keep breakin’ up?”

“Sure. Ah won’t do anythin’ stupid again.”

“‘Kay.”

“And insert one of the long rods into hole B,” Pinkie said, “If you get the metaphor.”

“Um....”

“What? Oh. How long has that been happening?”

“Since you said ‘and insert’.”

“Seriously? For fuck’s sakes, why did it have to start at that exact point?”

“What should we do about the other two?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Well, we’d only expect one of ‘em to be there, an’ luckily it’s the one who needs to dah if we’re killin’ ‘er—” Apple Bloom noticed she was on air, “—In the video game. Which we will be playin’.”

“What real life ponies would we be talking about, anyway? They don’t match up to anypony, and besides, we’re nice foals.”

“Exactly. Ah mean, whah would Sweetie Belle be a part ah somethin’ lahke that? Come on.”

Rainbow threw a slab, and it crashed into a tree, uneventfully.

“My hopes weren’t met there,” Rainbow said. “I wanted more excitement, something vaguely fun.”

“It’s just how maths works. Can’t all be above average, you know what Ah mean?”

“I’m not a moron, I know how averages work. It’s your turn, you know.”

Applejack got up and tossed it as far as she could, but not exactly as straight.

“Ah’m supposed to be good at physical stuffs,” she said.

“It’s not about being good, it’s about getting lost in a conversation that suddenly turns romantic and having sex.”

“Rainbow, you know more than anypony that bein’ good at somethin’ is always important. It don’t matter if it don’t matter, it’s embarrassin’ to be bad at stuff.”

“Well, it’s okay. I still love you.”

“With all your ♥?”

“Don’t do that.”

“Ah guess you just don’t ♥ it like Ah do.”

“Stop it.”

“Fahne.”

But then there was nothing to say.

“It’s your turn, you know,” Applejack said.

“Oh.”

Applejack gave up. Rainbow’s throw went right of the trees that she normally hit, but was otherwise normal.

“My hopes weren’t met there,” Rainbow said. “I wanted more excitement, something vaguely fun.”

“It’s just how maths works. Can’t all be above average, you know what Ah mean?”

“That would be a great idea if it was physically possible,” Pinkie said.

“We could try....”

“It would just be an embarrassing trip to the hospital.”

“This is the last one,” Rainbow said. “Better make it count, I guess. Or, you know, something.”

She threw it like normal and it landed in the leafy canopy part of a tree without breaking.

“Uh...” Rainbow said.

“We can’t leaf until it breaks.”

“Did you say ‘leaf’?”

“Yeah.”

“That was terrible. It’s not only a bad pun, I’ve heard it before.”

“Sorry.”

They walked over to the tree where it had lodged itself. And by “it”, I mean physics, and by “itself”, I mean the wood.

“We can’t mess with it,” Rainbow said.

“Ah know how it works, Rainbow.”

“What can we do, though?”

“Wait for wind, Ah guess....”

The plank slipped by a small but encouraging amount.

“Did you see that?” Rainbow said.

“Uh-huh, Ah saw it.”

The plank slipped by a moderate amount which, when combined with the small amount, was very encouraging.

“Come on,” Rainbow said, “It’s so close.”

“You can do it, plank board thing.”

It made a well-timed fall out of the tree and shattered on the ground.

“Yaaay!” they said. “We should go now.”

“It’s just that once we do this, we can’t change it back,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Ah know. We planned it all out, it’ll be fahne.”

Rainbow and Applejack were Rainbow and Appleback.

“Valhallao,” Rarity said. “How was it?”

“We went to some undeveloped land and threw up all over the place,” Rainbow said.

“Oh. Are you all right now?”

“Yeah, did I make us sound hurt?”

“Rainbow?” Applejack said.

“What?”

“‘Threw up’.”

“Oh. Yeah. Anyway, let’s see some ponies we care about.”

And so they went to the next room, Fluttershy knowing what Rainbow meant but still feeling somewhat uncared about.

“Oh, you’re back,” Twilight said. “Did you have fun?”

“It was as fun as throwing up together can be,” Rainbow said.

“Huh?”

“You know, up. Throwing it.”

“Oh.”

Pinkie appeared.

“Ohai!” she said. “I was just coming to get a food and this happened!”

“Yo,” Rainbow said.

“How’d the whole breaking up thing go?”

“We never broke up.”

“Then what were you doing the whole time?”

Blah blah corrections. Everyone else went pretty much the same way. Eating happened, talking ensued, and eventually everyone who wasn’t part of the Apple family or a certain pegasus had left the building. That pegasus, of course, being Fluttershy. Okay, you know who it was.

“So, AJ,” Rainbow said seconds after the last pony had left.

“You thinkin’ about the same primal urge Ah am?”

“Yep.”

“Then let’s eat some cranberry stuffs.”

“What? I meant sex.”

“Oh.”

Not only was it awkward, they didn’t know what to do about it.

“Well, I’ll be upstairs,” Rainbow said.

“You do that.”

And so Rainbow went upstairs, Applejack ate some cranberry product (product with cranberries, not “cheese product” product), and then Applejack went upstairs. A candle also mysteriously melted halfway as they had sex despite never being used.

Chapter 147: Trapped!

Everyone was happy. Rainbow was flying, Twilight was reading, Octavia was eating a tea biscuit, Lyra was trying to use magic to make things hot up more quickly, Applejack and Big Mac were that kind of happy, and Sugarcube Corner actually had a line for once. So you may then be wondering what made this time so interesting. Well, it’s simple: literally every pony in Ponyville was happy. How amazing is that?

But besides records, Scootaloo was shortly going to be somewhat dead unless something happened. Why, you ask? The answer is simple: snow. Normally, when snow ensued, Scootaloo could just turn her box floor side up and hope it didn’t collapse. This occasionally resulted in the minor problem that the solidness of the cardboard and the pressure of the snow would leave her trapped. Now, you may think that there would rarely ever be enough snow to cover the box that much, but you haven’t seen what Ponyvillian snow can be like. Yes, there was an episode or two with snow, but that’s like two data points, so shut up.

Anyway, regarding the trapping, she had tried opening the bottom/ceiling twice. The first time she did, it turned out she was trapped in ice. The second time she did, it was snow, and the instant she dug a bit of it out, it collapsed and she died of asphyxiation, which dissuaded her from trying that particular strategy again. What did work sometimes was banging on the side of the box until someone was curious (or if they lived near her, felt badly) enough to dig her out. Leaving the open side of the box sideways like normal instead of on the bottom was disfavoured for reasons of warmth. All of this was, of course, itself disfavoured to being in an actual building, but nobody cared or had money quite enough to keep her all the time, and some sort of rotation would just be weird.

Anyway, now was one of the caved-in times, however rare or not they were—we’re only doing one episode on this so it doesn’t really matter anyway—and Scootaloo had gone twenty-four hours without food and, more importantly, water. She had some really good night vision going, though. The reason we’re joining her now is Fluttershy came for her. She was wearing standard wintry clothes as well as carrying a set of wintry clothes for Scootaloo. She thought about what a great idea it would’ve been to bring a shovel.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy said. “What are you doing here?”

Unfortunately, it didn’t work. Twilight wasn’t even watching. In fact, no one was watching, because the chapter wasn’t being broadcast live.

“Wait,” a Programme Productions pony said to another Programme Productions pony, “So this is what you meant when you said we should film a Fluttershy/Scootaloo chapter?”

“Yeah.”

“This makes much more sense than what I thought you were saying.”

And so after getting a shovel, Fluttershy dug her way to the top of the box. We wanted to get a shot of Scootaloo inside the box, but obviously that wasn’t possible. The transcribers weren’t even able to tell what she was thinking. If only she was wearing one of those aluminium hats. Some ponies say that those make it harder to read the wearer’s mind, but a study at MIT showed that wearing them actually made it easier. Of course, there’s the idea that they were bribed by the state to tell everyone that, but that’s just what they want you to think. It involves admitting bribery, sure, but it’s better than having everyone know the truth. After dusting off the top and clearing a couple sides a little, Fluttershy was able to pull the box out of the snow. Scootaloo wasn’t willing to compromise her curled position to look up at her.

“Scootaloo?” Fluttershy said softly even for her.

In response, Scootaloo continued to shiver and be curled up with her eyes closed.

“It’s Fluttershy.”

In response, Scootaloo continued to shiver and be curled up with her eyes closed.

“I have clothes.”

She opened her eyes and looked up at Fluttershy. “Where are they?”

“I had to not be carrying them whilst I was digging you out.” She reached behind some snow to grab all the clothes at once with one hoof. “Here.”

“Thanks.” She put the clothes on. “This is really going to help, so thank you.”

As awkward silences went, it was a pretty bad one.

“I guess I’ll find a place,” Scootaloo said.

“I was hoping you would come back to my house so I could feed you.”

“Oh. You know, you don’t need to do that.”

“I do need to do that or you’ll die of hypothermia, starvation, or dehydration. I’m not sure which, but you’ll die.”

“I’ve been fine before.”

“Look, I’m helping you and you’re eventually liking me more than you like Rainbow.”

“Fine, give me food and shelter. See if I care.”

Drink CAEB

And so they went to Fluttershy’s house, if you know what I mean. No dialogue happened along the way.

“You know how awesome you are, right?” Scootaloo said.

“No.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t. But you are.”

“Well... thank you.”

“What?”

“Thank you.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard that before.”

“You’ve never heard ‘thank you’ before?”

“Yeah. Why, should I have?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you don’t get Pokémon references.”

“True.”

Fluttershy went through the secretly revolving wall to her kitchen and took a cube from the pantry. The cube was a pale orange and about five centimetres on a side. She went back to Scootaloo in the entry/living room.

“Have a cheese cube,” she said, holding the cube which may or may not be cheese out to Scootaloo. Despite the uncertainty, Scootaloo took the cube and a bite.

“It tastes like cheese,” Scootaloo said.

“Is there a reason it wouldn’t?”

“I didn’t have anything to say. Not that this isn’t good, but do you have anything more traditional?”

“Yes, but I’ve been looking for a way to get rid of that.”

“So you gave it to me.”

“Well... yes....”

She took another bite. “I’m happy you chose me.”

“Oh. Thank you. So this needs a bit of a story, but—”

“So does this cube.”

“That isn’t important. But I was eating soup, and I realised that the part I liked best was the end when I drank the broth that was left.”

“That reminds me of something Rainbow Dash told me once.”

“So I was talkin’ to Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said, “And she was like

‘Hey, Rainbow?’,

and I was like ‘I’m right here.’.

‘You know how the best part of soup is eating the big chunks of stuff?’

‘Yeah.’

‘So I thought why not just make a vegetable platter, and I did, but it wasn’t the same.’

‘That sucks.’

so then later I was having some ice cream and I thought the same thing but with peanut butter, but I can’t try it ‘cause it makes me feel like I’m eight.”

“I see. I’ve been meaning to make some heated-up broth sometime, but now I’m not so sure.”

“You should do it.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”

They both went in the kitchen. Fluttershy got the pot that happened to be clean, saving her innumerable seconds of work, and the broth that happened to be clean, saving her innumerable years of life, and began the easiest dish anyone can possibly cook. Frozen burritos you put in the microwave for two minutes don’t count.

“Something,” Scootaloo said.

“Something funny.”

“Observational comedy.”

“Humourous response.”

“Normal phrase.”

“Downbeat punchline.”

Scootaloo ate her cube as the broth hotted up like Earth’s atmosphere. Fluttershy’s kitchen, though not as pathetic as Twilight’s, wasn’t anything to brag about. The transcriber’s combined fuzzy readings and lack of cheese knowledge made her uncertain of what cheese the cheese cube was.

“This is good,” Scootaloo said, “But the edges hurt.”

“I know,” Fluttershy said. It was a “yeah, I know what it’s like”, not an “I know, don’t be so fucking condescending”, if you didn’t pick that up from her being Fluttershy. “It’s been a while, I should see if the broth’s done.”

She took a ladle of the broth and sipped a tiny bit. Suffice to say she had that feeling you get on your tongue with hot liquids. I don’t know what it is, but you know it.

“Okay, it’s done.” She turned off the burner. “It needs to cool down a bit, actually. Do you have anything else to talk about?”

“No. Neither of our lives are really built for that.”

“I thought you might at least have some opinions you needed to say.”

“So might you considering how many opinions you’ve said so far.”

“I haven’t said any opinions, so I don’t do that.”

“No, it means you haven’t reached your opinion quota today.”

“I don’t want to be constantly saying opinions.”

“Well, too bad. It’s not a limit quota, it’s a requirement quota.”

“What happens if I don’t meet it? There’ve been plenty of other days where I haven’t said a single opinion and nothing has happened, at least that I noticed.”

“Nothing, just guilt and embarrassment. It means you’re lazy, basically.”

“I don’t think it’s a moral obligation to express some number of opinions every day.”

“I know, that’s why I’m trying to help you.”

“I’m not going to do it.”

“Fine. Then you’ll just have to feel bad. Or don’t, since apparently you have no morals and only care about yourself.”

“As much I like feeling bad about myself, I’m not going to force it.”

“Fine. Be... content.”

They didn’t talk to each other until Fluttershy judged the broth to be at the right temperature, then they still didn’t talk until they went to the invisible table.

“Would this make more sense for a cup?” Scootaloo said.

“I thought about it, but the strangeness didn’t seem like it would be worth it.”

“I see. So are you really doing this to make me like you more than Rainbow Dash?”

“I’m doing it so you don’t die.”

Scootaloo tried a spoonful of the broth. “Hm. It’s not that exciting without the flavours of other things in it.”

“I think so too.”

“Don’t be so condescending.”

“I agree.”

“It was worth trying, at least.”

“I think so too.”

“You know, Rainbow,” Rainbow said whilst lying on a cloud, some of its cloud pulled over her for a blanket, “I should probably get some clothes. Where do I have my clothes again? At AJ’s? Did I put them in my house I haven’t sold yet? I can’t remember. Come on, think... okay, I don’t have anything in the house, I generally don’t have stuff at Twilight’s... wait, didn’t AJ say they were in the prison? Yeah. But I don’t wanna get up.”

“And that’s how we’ll fix the economy,” Scootaloo said.

“Your ‘ponies working for no pay due to debt’ sound a lot like slaves. Also, that wouldn’t fix the economy anyway.”

“I think that’s for the economy to decide.”

“Do you understand anything about economics?”

“You don’t, so you’re in no position to complain.”

“I don’t think that’s how arguments work.”

“Well, I’m starving so you can’t make fun of me.”

“That’s true.”

“It’s not fair,” Rainbow said. “Why do I get my chapter for this cycle when I’m barely awake? I guess I have to get up sometime anyway. The last pony who thought she could sleep for her appearances was Scootaloo, and she’s not getting chapters anymore.”

She flew off to the house of Applejack. And Big Mac. And Apple Bloom? Who owns the place now anyway? Is it owned? What does this all mean for things like property taxes? Anyway, by the house I mean the base.

Down there, there were eight cells, four on each side, one of which had a pony in it. She was white and earth, with a red, as in literally red and not orange, mane in a style very similar to Twilight’s. Very generic-looking. She had a purple and yellow cousin, a reference no one will get.

“Rainbow Dash?” this pony said. “Did they send you to execute me?”

“Who are you?”

“All I did was take one bite of one apple. You see, Big Mac took a bite of—”

“So you’re a crazy Big Mac fangirl?”

“Yeah, but—”

“That’s cool.” Rainbow went to the end of what was now considered a hall and began to put her clothes on.

“Please,” said the fangirl who couldn’t be called a mare and couldn’t really be called a filly without having to say an entire sentence of clarification that she was a teenager. “If you just listen—”

“Don’t care.”

“They’re going to kill—”

“You deserve it.”

“I know that’s what it’s like here, but all I did—”

“Think about this: Big Mac thinks you should die.”

And all she did for literally the rest of her life was cry.

“I’ve got some sleepin’ to do,” Rainbow said after she put on the last item, a hat with a fuzzy ball on it. “You have fun.”

And so she left to find a nice cloud. Transcriber #64 could spend all day typing about what properties make a cloud “nice”, but doesn’t feel like it.

“Do you have anything bigger than that?” Scootaloo said.

“Yes. I just had a spare cheese cube, so I thought you would like it.”

“I know, but why did you have a spare cheese cube?”

“It’s a long story...

“...One day, I was going to Generic Market when a cube of cheese fell from the sky and I caught it. I put in my bag and carried on.”

“I thought you said it was a long story.”

“It seemed dramatic.”

“And where does the ‘spare’ part come in?”

“One of the things I was going there for were some cheese cubes.”

“And you didn’t account for the fact that you got one from the sky when you were buying them?”

“It wasn’t the kind I wanted.”

“This must be a side appearance,” Rainbow said. “I haven’t said enough stuff. Right? Right. ♪It’s the♪—I don’t know why I ever started doing that.” She stopped next to a cloud, patted it firmly a couple times, and kept going.

“This food tastes well,” Scootaloo said.

“I am glad that you like the food,” Fluttershy said.

A klaxon was heard for three “wa”s.

“The fuck?” Scootaloo said.

“What the....”

“That sound means we’re out of time,” a disembodied voice in the ceiling said. “Join us same time tomorrow for the epic conclusion to this game of...”

Fluttershy nor Scootaloo said anything.

Chapter 148: Twidash Conversation #I Don’t Know, a Lot

Here’s a hypothetical for you: Rainbow goes to Twilight’s treehouse to have sex. Wait, that’s not a hypothetical, she’s on her way right now. Here’s a hypothetical: say you’re reading a bad fanfic and, near the very beginning of a chapter, the narration pitches you a hypothetical. What do you do? Well, you’re about to find out.

Meanwhile, Spike was sleeping. Wait, that’s not the interesting thing. Twilight was looking at porn with Netscape. Okay, no, but doesn’t that sound creepy? Maybe it’s just me. But before things could get too interesting, someone knocked on the door. Here’s a hint: her name has seven letters and she’s hot. No, not Jessica from social studies, why the hell would she be in this? Anyway, it was Rainbow. Dash. The first. And only. So far. And forever? Probably.

“If that’s actually Rainbow,” Twilight said, “I’m not going to be surprised at all, because statistically it’s probably her.”

Twilight went down to the door. It was indeed Rainbow Dash, not to be confused with the numerous other ponies named Rainbow because they have polycoloured manes.

“Hi, Rainbow.”

“Hi, Twilight,” responded the cyan pegasus.

“Come in.”

Rainbow came in.

“Anything different?” Twilight said.

“Not with me, you?”

“Nothing much. Learned a few spells like usual, but nothing you’d be interested in.”

“Can any of them be used to help make fun clopfic times funner?”

“‘But nothing you’d be interested in’.”

“Sorry. So before we decide what we’re doing, should we make it all the way to the bedroom or go outside or be right here or what?”

“Well, it’s a bit dark outside, and I like to think I could make it to the bedroom before I gave in and raped you. Why do we even go there anyway? We hardly ever use the bed.”

“Because bedrooms are still hot. More than other rooms, anyway.”

“Yeah, you have a point. Should we actually go over there now?”

“Why not.”

And so they went over there. Rainbow noticed the folder which was still open.

“Nice porn,” Rainbow said.

“What?” Twilight looked at the monitor. “I thought I closed that.”

“lol.”

Twilight went over, closed that, and went back. “My sexual preferences aren’t funny.”

“You leaving that open is, I couldn’t care less what’s in it.”

“Thanks...?”

“So you wanna snog or not?”

“Can’t we just go straight to the making me cum?”

“Sure, if you want. 59?”

“59?”

“Yeah. Don’t you know what that is?”

“No.”

“I can’t believe you’ve never heard of 59ing.”

“I’m supposed to know scholarly booksmart stuff. So what is it?”

“It’s like 69ing, but ten worse.”

“Then why would we do it? And ten of what unit?”

“Because we haven’t done it before, and centifuts.”

“What do futs measure?”

“It’s complicated and hard to explain. Anyway, fine, we’ll 69. Fuck, that rhymed. So lay yourself on the bed or the floor or wherever.”

“I want to be on top.”

“Well, so do I.”

“You like submissive stuffs.”

“I know, but that’s not what I want to do all the time.”

“Fine, I’ll just restrict you with magic.”

“You’re the one with your girlfriendship hanging by a thread.”

“Fine.” Twilight got on the bed. “Get on me.”

Rainbow got on her, and then it got boring. Well, if you’re Rainbow or Twilight, then it got fun, but the chance of that are slim to none.

Okay, so that’s going on, anyone want a secondary appearance? Applejack’s busy, so’s Octavia, Lyra’s doing stuff, you look free, Pinkie!

“Welperonisticks,” Pinkie said, “At least the lack of business of Sugarcube Corner’s gotten me this appearance... that I was getting anyway later in the cycle... come on, Pinkie, think positive. Ly. You’re Pinkie Pie for Faust’s sakes. There must be some positive side to this. Okay, maybe there isn’t. I mean, just ‘cause I’m hard to get down and stuff doesn’t mean I have to foal myself about my problems. Okay, so continuing, I may or may not lose my job soon. Well, I have the show job, but that’s not exactly stable. Well, if you’re Rainbow or Twilight or Applejack, I guess it’s pretty stable. What if Rainbow and Twilight break up? Will that mean more Twilight/Spike chapters? Would they replace her? Who would they replace her with? And why am I asking myself? Why would I know the answers to questions I’m posing? Unless I was hosting a game show or something. That would be weird.”

So that was a diversion, now here’s named background character Lightning Shock with the weather. Lightning? ...Lightning? Where are y—oh Faust, Lightning! I can’t watch!

Dammit, neither of them can talk. Stupid 69ing. You know what’s better than 69ing? 70ing. I don’t know what that would be, but it would leave at least one partner’s mouth unoccupied. Well, maybe I shouldn’t make fun of 69ing too much. I mean, you know what else doesn’t leave your mouth unoccupied? Pancakes. And really, wouldn’t we love to see that? Either way, pancakes segway nicely into this commercial.

Gold is at its highest price in years and its value continues to rise! Ponies are hoarding gold like crazy! So logically what you should do is sell all your gold to us! So come on down to Gold Leaf’s Gold Traders at 42 Rode Street in Ponyville, opposite Starbucks and next to Starbucks!

Twilight and Rainbow were snogging, which is cool and all, but it still has the same problem as before. If one of them would stop for a minute to say something romantic, that would be pretty cool. It would also be pretty cool if I randomly acquired a bunch of pancakes, but that doesn’t mean it’ll happen.

“You know, Twilight,” Rainbow said.

“I don’t care, more kissing.”

“Even though I say—”

Twilight forced Rainbow to keep kissing her via physical force, shocking some pony who was watching this “I Suck At Titles, Summary Better” his friends had been bugging him about for the first time, thinking he could just jump in after the first episode. More snogging happened and it was boring, again unless you’re that pony, then someone said something.

“Rainbow,” Twilight said.

“Yeah?”

“More sex?”

“All you ever do is read and have sex with me.”

“All you do is fly and have sex with Applejack.”

“Are our lives boring?”

“No, we just love our jobs. It’s a good thing.”

Rainbow didn’t respond.

“Something wrong?” Twilight said.

“No, I just... it was weird, I couldn’t think of anything to say.”

“That’s what ‘lol’ is for. I mean, look:

‘Are our lives boring?’

‘No, we just love our jobs. It’s a good thing.’

‘lol’

‘So can we have sex now?’

‘Yep, and I’m making you my primary girlfriend.’.”

During the time Twilight was saying that, Rainbow laid up next to her, since for the entire time before it was Twilight lying down with Rainbow on top of her and it felt slightly strange. Not, you know, for sexual things, but for talking.

“I don’t think I would’ve said that last line.”

“I can dream. Literally, I had a dream about it last night.”

“That’s good. So what are we doing?”

“Sex.”

“That’s not specific enough.”

“Do you still feel dominaty?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you have to feel dominaty now?”

“Why do you have to feel dominaty now?”

“Well, like I already said, usually you like submissive stuffs.”

“But like I already said, that’s not what I want every single time.”

“What are we doing anyway? Maybe it won’t matter that much.”

“I don’t know. I’d like something where I’m conscious for the entire thing.”

“My plan involves that.”

“What’s the plan?”

“You do whatever I tell you.”

“What if I disobey you?”

“I promise I won’t hurt you.”

“I have an idea too.”

“What is it?”

Rainbow unfolded one of her wings.

“I don’t feel like that,” Twilight said.

“Come on.”

“Seriously, I don’t feel like that.”

“If I just did it whilst we were randomly together for some non-sexual purpose, you would be all over it.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Yes, you would.”

“It’s not what I feel like doing, all right?”

“Fine.” She refolded it. “So what do you want me to do?”

“Just eat me out so I can have lines.”

“Why can’t you do that?”

“You do it.”

“You do it.”

TWO MINUTES LATER!

“You...” Rainbow said before doubling over and fainting from lack of air.

Twilight breathed in heavily, then exhaled less heavily but still pretty heavily, then did the same thing a couple more times but reduced in intensity. “Are you okay, Rainbow? Rainbow? Crap, did she faint? Will she be okay or should I take her to Zecora? I don’t want to spend another hundred bits... wait, doesn’t Ponyville have a normal hospital? Yeah, it does!”

Twilight teleported her and Rainbow to the normal hospital.

“He—”

“I just need somepony to tell if she’s going to die or not,” Twilight said.

“Just drag her to room 255. It’s on the first floor next to the Starbucks.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Just as Twilight got to the bottom of the stairs, Rainbow woke up.

“Twilight?”

“Rainbow!”

She got off Twilight. “Where am I? Not like ‘ehhh I just woke up’ where am I, like I seriously don’t know.”

“We’re in the normal hospital. You ran out of oxygen after two minutes of ‘you do it’.”

“Is that really what happened?”

“I know I’ve hypnotised you once and knocked you out to rape you dozens of times, but I would never lie to you.”

“Can we just go back?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Twilight took them back.

“I can’t believe that happened and it wasn’t your fault,” Rainbow said.

“Gee, thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You’re porlycome.”

“How are we deciding the whole sex thing?”

“You fainted, which means I won the argument.”

“Fine.”

Chapter 42: Cue HGG Reference

Apple Bloom was at a table—the table—eating Apple Jacks. Then Applejack came down.

“Mornin’, sugarcube,” Applejack said, sounding slightly tired but not too bad.

“Hey.”

Applejack went into the lavatory, then Apple Bloom noticed a misplaced hoof mirror on the table and masticated to herself. Big Mac came down.

“Hey, Big Mac,” Apple Bloom said through no Apple Jacks because she bothered not to talk with her mouth full.

“Hi.”

“AJ beat ya to the bathroom bah seventeen minutes an’ four seconds.”

“That’s exact.”

“Don’ explain the joke.”

Eight minutes and thirty-two seconds later, Applejack left the bathroom, then Big Mac entered it. By this time, Apple Bloom had left for school. In fact, she left for school so hard that the narrative followed her.

Apple Bloom was contently walking to school when suddenly she tripped on a particularly dense dome of air. This had little effect on her due to her quadrupedness and she carried on, making it to Ponyville Primary Place of Pedagogy without further incident. Skipping to the dialogue, this happened.

“My day’s been a lot harder to plan ever since they started using irrational numbers for the periods,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Word dat, sista,” Apple Bloom said.

“What?”

“Dunno. What do you think ah the somewhat new switch to irrational numbers, Scootaloo?”

“It’s annoying and I can’t see why they did it, but what can you do.”

“That’s offensive ta ponies without saht.”

No one knew what to say do that.

“Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom said, “Ah’ve been tryin’ to avoid it, but Ah have ta ask... what’s with the long hospital-stahle bandages on your leg?”

“I was practising teleportation and I got the edge of my leg into a tree branch.”

“Why did Rarity have hospital-stahle bandages?”

“She didn’t, we went to the hospital.”

“Ah.”

Silence again.

“Doesn’t the bell usually ring when our conversations end?” Scootaloo said.

“Yeah,” ⅔ of the CMC said.

“Did you say ‘yeah’, Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom said. “Just ‘cause you’ve been more of a yes pony recently.”

“Yeah. I’m doing it to annoy Rarity.”

“Not even you like ‘er anymore?”

“I do, but I wish she’d stop trying to push her fanciness on me. That’s not who I am.”

The bell rang.

“Order is restored,” Scootaloo seriously thought that was funny.

And so the CMC all went to science class. There were those posters on the walls making bad geology puns, but the science currently in question was in fact biology. Since “school is boring” is one of the basic rules of life, Applejack got the focus again.

“What?” Applejack, at her computer, said, quickly turning her head to the camera. “Ah’m busy.”

“Minecraft isn’t ‘busy’,” camerapony #8 said.

“Have you played Mahnecraft?”

“No, but—”

“Then don’t go tellin’ me whether it’s work or not.”

“But then—”

“Stop being a dick,” transcriber #3 said.

Meanwhile at Sugarcube Corner!

“Yeah,” Pinkie said, “We’re goin’ under. What other baking-type jobs are available in Ponyville? Maybe I should actually look sometime instead of just talking to myself about it. Talking to myself... that’s something I’ve been doing a lot of lately. I need a talking buddy like the other mane characters. But you know who wouldn’t make a good talking buddy for me? Zecora. Mostly because I hate her and want her to burn in Hell. I mean, she’s so... so... see, that’s why I love her—completely platonically—because every single bit of her personality is so... what’s a good adverb... unwaveringly? No. The point is that I’m goin’ down the Applejack-style ‘doesn’t have flaws’ route.”

Silence.

“Faust, I wish something would happen.”

“So dividing by bacteria—” said the teacher, before being interrupted by the bell ringing. “Um, there’re supposed to be ten minutes left in the class, but just remember to write your 5,000-word reports on RNA to turn in tomorrow.”

Everyone packed up their supplies and travelled to their lockers, or however classes end.

“Ah almost feel as bad for you as Ah perpetually do for Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom said.

“With my leg? It’s just a flesh wound.”

“No, with the cereal you had today. Ah can’t believe it went stale so quick. Yeah, your fuckin’ leg. You sure you’ll be all raht?”

“I’ll be fine. If you need something to worry about, like you said, there’s always Scootaloo.”

“Ah don’t ‘need somethin’ to worry about’. If anythin’, it’s you who needs somethin’ to worry about.”

“Why would I—”

“Ah dunno. lol.”

“I’m just glad we were able to become friends again,” Bon Bon said regarding her relationship with Lyra, if the transcribers are to be believed. Which they are, because they’re perfectly trustworthy both inside of transcribing things and out.

“Mm-hmm,” said Lyra. “You’re a good pony.”

“What?”

“What?”

“You sounded a little dishonest there.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“I guess I was just being crazy. Anyway, I was thinking this would be a good time to ask you—”

“I’m Octavia’s.”

“Okay.”

“And that should just about conclude today’s literary studies,” said Strawberryvine. “Wait, I actually got to finish a class? Um, anyway, submit your 5-word persuasive papers supporting or attacking the continued use of paper tomorrow. Remember, that’s a maximum, not a minimum.”

Boring school stuff happened, then there was a lunch table scene.

“You went for apply stuff again?” Sweetie Belle said. “Don’t you ever get sick of apples since—”

“The fuck is your fuckin’ problem with apples?”

“I like apples—”

“Just ‘cause you’d get sick ah apples, that don’t mean anypony else would, okay? So Ah really lahke apples, you got a fuckin’ problem with that?”

“No, it’s just that you eat them every single day—”

“Ah wish Ah could quit walkin’ an’ sleepin’ since Ah do those every day too. You know—”

“Apple Bloom,” said Scootaloo, who was in a chair adjacent to Apple Bloom. She put a leg around her neck.

Apple Bloom looked at Scootaloo. “What?” her angry tone hadn’t worn off.

“Calm down.”

Apple Bloom took a couple somewhat heavy breaths, glanced briefly to Sweetie Belle then back to Scootaloo, and looked at her food. Scootaloo withdrew her leg.

“You good?” Scootaloo said.

“No.”

“Just be good by the square root of third period.”

“Ah will.”

The rest of their eatery carried on without incident, and so √3rd period, for them maths, begun undramatically, went undramatically, and ended undramatically. Which sucks, because that’s where we were hoping to get most of our footage. So here’s Pinkie to close out the chapter.

“Suuueee,” Pinkie said, “I was just thinking about Zecora. And, you know, how much I hate her. I hope she gets killed by a somewhat slow, extremely painful poison, but not before she loses all of her legs in a circular saw accident and both her eyes to something pointy. That would be so awesome.” She paused for a second. “Yep, that’s all there is to it: I hate Zecora.”

Chapter 14X: A Room with a View

“And that’s why you should be happy,” Lyra said.

“Because it’s the first day of December?” Octavia said.

“Yes. December is the happiest month of the year, and you need to act like it.”

“Do I not seem happy to you?”

“You never seem happy.”

“I’m usually content. Also, you always seem to complain whenever I so much as smile.”

“That’s because you look all weird when you smile. It creeps me out.”

“So do you want me to seem happy or not?”

“You need to be happy, just not show it.”

“But that’s how I usually am anyway.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“The idea that I was never okay was something you completely fabricated.”

“All right.”

Meanwhile, all the CMC were still asleep from the wild partay they had.

“You have to say something or we’re all getting sacked,” Lyra said.

“There’s nothing to say.”

“Come on, you’re ignoring all the... things with....”

“Yes?”

“We’re losing our jobs.”

“We probably are, yes.”

“It’s a good thing we got those stable jobs.”

“Quite. ...Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“You want to kiss me? Saying that makes me feel like a ten-year-old colt, but it’s true.”

“Well, I don’t want it to be that one-sided. I want us to kiss. Each other.”

“Is this something you actually want to do or is it just your last effort to be interesting to the audience?”

“Why are you so reluctant to snog with your girlfriend a little?”

“Why are you being so pushy about this?”

“Because I have nothing better to do right now.”

“You could be doing generic computer things.”

“You could be doing generic computer things.”

“I think I will.”

“Fine!”

And so they both got sacked.

“Who should we get to put in the game show?” I said, wondering whether I was here or in the Programme Productions headquarters or what.

“We could just have four mane characters,” said an advisor whom I never listen to since I’m evil.

“Are you crazy?! We need six mane characters.”

“Well, given that, isn’t there a better way to choose them than a trivia contest?”

“Are you suggesting that there’s no correlation between amount of useless knowledge and interestingness for a reality show?”

“Yes.”

“Why did I even hire you?”

“You were impressed with my knowledge of geography.”

“Well, find some ponies who’ve been appearing too much and put them in the game show.”

KA-ORGANISATION!

“Hecko,” Pinkie Pie said, “And welcome to Mane Character 4 a 4seeable Future Lambda Turbo Rhodium Masters’ Edition Xtended Plus!”

The audience applauded.

“On this hour-long special edition, we’ll have twelve one thousand-bit questions and two fifteen hundred-bit questions, for a total maximum prize of 150,000 bits!”

The audience applauded.

“Now it’s time to introduce the six—yes, six—contestants!

“First, we have a younger sibling of a saviour of the world, Apple Bloom!

“An older sibling of a saviour of the world, Big Mac!

“Some cook or chemist or doctor or something, Zecora!

“A crazy fangirl, Butterscotch!

“A sibling of a saviour of the world, Sweetie Belle!”

“And last and possibly least, a live-in servant of a saviour of the world, Spike!”

The audience applauded.

“But wait, it gets even better! Not one, not three, but the top two of our contestants get to be mane characters!” They cheered again. “Let’s get ready to rumble! Preparation for rumbling takes a while, so first, here’s a commercial!”

I’M NOT GONNA BE A PR ROBOT ANYMORE

WAAAAAT

Bleu de Chanel

“And we’re back. The score is currently tied at 0–0–0–0–0–0. First question.” Pinkie took a card, the corners of which were now rounded. “Fluffernutter has three raisins, which he trades with Whiskers for six craisins. If craisins are one third raisin, what is the ratio of the value of cranberries to that of raisins?”

Fifteen seconds later...

“TIMES UP ! The correct answer is one fourth. Question #2: this pairing would often be referred to as InHidingShipping if anypony ever talked about it.”

Apple Bloom rang in.

“What is... are... who are... what is... Carmen Sandiego and Wally.”

“Apple Bloom is correct!”

The audience cheered.

“Okay, three: what is the slope of the line which passes through (40, 2) and (0xC4, 8)? Please give your answer in decimals.”

Fifteen seconds of silence.

“The correct answer is .0, then 384615 with a bar over it. Caudices. 4 the 4th question, we have a Video Challenge: what is the capital of Uruguay?”

Nobody answered.

“Now it’s time for the lightning round. The time limit is three seconds, and each question counts as a fifth of a normal question. Why are there still horses? Where are the transitional forms for the transitional forms for the transitional forms? Why am I confusing evolution and abiogenesis? How can you prove I’m wrong? How can evolution be true when I think trees are pretty?”

Zecora rang in. “It’s a tree, not an arrow, we can’t find every single fossil ever, you’re an idiot, I can’t so it’s based on nothing, and that’s not even relevant.”

“Correct! A thousand points for Zecora. Question five is also a lightning round, meaning the question pertains to lightning. Explain the etymology of the word lightning.”

No one could. Correction: no one playing could.

“It’s lighten and -ing, with the E removed to make it not sound stupid. Sixth question: the third square pyramidal number times one hundred plus twice the atomic number of the element in today’s broadcast’s name.”

Apple Bloom rang in. “1492?”

“No.”

Silence.

“It’s 1490. Faust, don’t you ponies and dragon and zebra know anything? The answer is yes, because how can you know literally nothing, and don’t get all philosophical on me with your unfalsifiable brain in a jar hypotheses or your Pyrrhonism. Question seven: When was an arbitrary sport at its best?”

In which Apple Bloom rang. “When the asker was eleven.”

“Correct! KoL reference! Line attempting to soften the blow of a commercial break!”

One time, I was walking along in Ponyville, going by this restaurant where most of the tables were outside even though said outside wasn’t particularly scenic or anything. Anyway, sitting there on one of the tables unattended was a sunflower sandwich. Being the law-abiding pony I am, I sat down at the table and started to eat the sandwich. When I was about half done with it, a staff came out of the building and saw me.

“You don’t look like the pony who ordered that,” the staff said.

“I’m... his boyfriend. He got it for me.”

“It was a mare....”

I dropped the sandwich and ran.

“And we’re back. The score is Apple Bloom 2,000, Zecora 1,000, everypony... one else 0. Next question. What does the ‘aster’ in ‘asterisk’ mean?”

No responses.

“It’s ‘star’, you morons. Aster. Idiots. Anyway, question nine, you imbeciles: if it’s six o’clock when our fictional holiday, Soldesant, starts, and it ends at six o’clock tomorrow, how long does it last?”

Zecora rang in. “Are we using 24-hour time?”

“No.”

“Insufficient information.”

“Correct! It’s Apple Bloom and Zecora up front with everypony and zebra and dragon else being idiots at the back. Ten: Sunflower Seed starts cycling north from Canterlot—”

Zecora rang in.

“What?” Pinkie said.

“Isn’t there a huge cliff north of—”

“At 200 km/h. At the same time, Self-insert OC jumps into his Lotughirrari and starts driving east from Ponyville at 800 km/h.”

Zecora rang in. “I don’t think they would meet.”

“Correct! A thousand points for Zecora. Question 11: a nationwide poll of ponies aged eighteen or over voted this the most confusing thing of the second millenium.”

Zecora buzzed in. “A band the author doesn’t like’s popularity?”

“Wrong. Anypony else?”

Apple Bloom buzzed in like a bee into a... beehive... or something. “A band the author lahke’s unpopularity?”

“Wrong. Anypony else?”

Ten seconds later!

Big Mac pressed the gigantic dome buzzer on the contestant podium. “Quantum mechanics.”

“The opposite of your other right! It’s Zecora 3,000, Apple Bloom 2K0, and Big Mac ten caret three as we go into question twelve. This province of an Earthen country is known for having nothing whatsoever in its northern half other than two or three eerily circular lakes.”

Nothing.

“It’s Quebec. Or Québec, if you’re one of those ponies who spells Brazil with an S. Now, for fifteen hundred points stroke bits, what was the second question about?”

No one.

“It was the InHidingShipping one. So as we go into the final question, Zecora is definitely becoming a mane character along with one of Apple Bloom and Big Mac. So, for one thousand five hundred and zero points, it was the year the Bishopric of Regensburg was founded.”

Crickets chirped. Are there crickets on Hasbro? The answer is apparently.

“It’s 739. Morons. So with that, Zecora wins and Apple Bloom also wins a little!”

The audience applauded.

“We’ll play some commercials, then it’ll be thyme for the bonus round!”

A sure to be hit new comedy that’ll make you laugh, cry, and laugh! Features include the guy with no character, the guy with a fetish everyone repeatedly makes jokes about, that stereotypical adolescent female who says “whatever” all the time, the inexplicably mature five-year-old, the abrasive but compassionate deep down adolescent male, the writers occasionally thinking they can do drama, toilet humour, shoehorned-in slang, copying Seinfeld, politically incorrect jokes, and by “politically incorrect”, we mean homophobic, and pathetic misunderstanding of Internet culture! Generic New Comedy, coming this May on the ECC.

“So, Zecora,” Pinkie Pie said, “After much hardship, and by hardship I mean coincidentally having the questions be things you know about, you’ve got to here. To the bonus question. For 27,000 bits, aaaaare yooouuu readaaaaay?”

“No.”

“No? What do you mean ‘no’?”

“Now I’m ready.”

“Good. Now, for twenty-seven thooouuusand bits: due to the boring grid layout of the streets, all of its municipalities look like waffles.”

“i dunno lol”

“Well, it’s Argentina. Anywayserwhatsits, Zecora and Apple Bloom are mane characters now, even though Apple Bloom had enough appearances to effectively be a mane character anyway. But with irregard, that’s it for this episode of:”

“MANE CHARACTER FOR A FORESEEABLE FUTURE LAMBDA TURBO RHODIUM MASTERS’ EDITION XTENDED PLUS!”

Chapter 14E: The Zecorapie Chronicle

This chapter is dedicated to Doctor Whooves.

1971–1965

He will have been a great pony.

“What?” Pinkie said. “I’m on? Um, as you can see here, unless you’re reading the text version, in which case you can’t see here, I’m playing an online game called 4tress 4mers. I’m 4tifying my 4t 4 attacks from lastusername’s 4est. Did you know that 4tify 4 and 4tify against mean the same thing? Choices 4tw!”

“That’s in4mative and all,” camerapony #4 said, “But your contract says you need to do stuff 4 us.”

“Fine. I guess I’ll confess to Zecora.”

“Didn’t you say you were over her? And you said it with so much finality, too. It would be alienating to the viewers if you loved her again.”

“Well, you know what they say: all toasters toast toast. Um, I mean love works in mysterious ways. Yeah, that’s the 1 I was looking 4. That really took me 2 long. Can I just tell her, though? I feel like it would be better to deceive her into doing something with me. If the point of this is to be interesting so I can keep my job—” Pinkie suddenly froze for four seconds. “Um, sorry, I just had a flashback to chapter 7. Anyway, if the point is to be entertaining, I need to trick her into something, then break down and confess later on. But make it look real. Wait a minute, I’ll feel so bad about doing it to her that I’ll feel guilty anyway! There’s no way this can go wrong! Fuck, now it’ll go wrong. Oh well, I’m doin’ it anyway. But b4 I do anything else, I 4most need to injure myself so it’ll seem like that’s why I came there.”

Pinkie went downstairs. It was 4:44 PM on December 4, which meant nothing special. She went into the kitchen 2 c Cup Cake.

“Hi,” Pinkie said.

“Hello.”

“What type of actions are you currently per4ming?”

“Baking some cupcakes.”

“That’s, like, all you eat. How do you not gain weight?”

“I don’t know....”

“And even if you don’t gain weight, that’s not a very balanced diet.”

“It’s not important.” Although it will become important when (spoilers) she dies of a heart attack when she’s forty-four.

“Anyway, do you have a reasonably sharp knife?”

“There’s a cake one there, why?”

“I need to stab myself.”

“What?”

“I need to stab myself.”

Cup Cake walked more closely to Pinkie to make the conversation more dramatic. Well, I don’t know if she meant 4 that 2 h4ppen, but that’s the effect it had. “Why do you feel like you need to do that?”

“Because I need to go to Zecora’s 4 something.”

“Oh. I thought you were depressed or something. Can’t you just walk over there?”

“I don’t want her to feel like I’m coming over there 4 no reason. She generally likes to be alone.”

“Well, you shouldn’t hurt yourself.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?”

“Just go over there and do whatever it is you need to do. You shouldn’t hurt yourself.”

“Okay, if you think she won’t be mad at me....”

“You’ll be fine.”

And so Pinkie did the arduous journey to Zecora. Knock-knock!

“Who is it?”

“Pinkie Pie.”

Zecora opened the door. “How are you hurt?”

“I’m not.”

Zecora slammed the door, only for Pinkie to open it again.

“There’s something I want to ask you,” Pinkie said.

“What?”

“Are you hungry?”

“No. Why would you ask me that?”

“Because I got a couple coupons 4 25% off at Amicable’s and they’re going to exπre today. It doesn’t matter, though, I 4got them anyway.”

“You came over here to tell me you forgot a couple coupons?”

“No. I came here and then realised it.”

“Why would you want to bring me anyway? Do you secretly love me?”

Pinkie froze up for a second. “Noooooooooooooooo... why would you even suggest that? That’s just ↓→ creepy.”

“Maybe in a couple hours, we can go.”

“Really? That’s awesome! I mean, um, why would you want to go with me when you just asked about why I’d want to go with you? You’re going to drug my drink and rape me.”

“I just want to know how you chose me for this.”

“Because... obviously... I don’t get to spend enough time with you. I’d like to be with—well, not be with, but see—you in a situation that doesn’t involve me with three fourths of my legs.”

“Okay.”

“That’s it? Why are you so happy to do this? Don’t you like being alone?”

“I don’t have anything to do, so I might as well.”

“Do you secretly love me? Maybe you’re just attracted to me. I mean, the only reason you’d do this is to—”

“Pinkie Pie, if I wanted to drug and rape you, I would’ve done it a long time ago.”

“But I obviously wouldn’t remember and you wouldn’t get caught by anypony, so I bet you’ve done it already.”

“You know, if you think that’s what I’m going to do, then we don’t have to go.”

“No, no, we should. We will. I’ll go and get the coupons right now.”

“Okay. I’ll meet you at Sugarcube Corner in a couple of hours.”

“Sounds well. See you then.”

“Bye.”

Pinkie went back to Sugarcube Corner. Un4tunately 4 her, she had completely made up the coupons, and so she went to the Amicable’s site (she tried amicables.com, which turned out to be a Japanese wire company, then she looked it up on Google), desperately hoping there was something resembling coupons on it. There was not, however, so after four minutes of panickedly trying to think of something, she thought to look in the newspaper. Then she remembered that all of the newspapers that ever served Ponyville went out of business years ago and the mail workload was reduced so much that the mailpony got replaced with a retarded mentally challenged pony who was willing (and now able) to do the job for lower wages.

“Okay, Pinkie,” she told herself, “Don’t panic. Panicking never improves anything. Remember that time you panicked because you thought the best way to persuade Zecora to do something was to lie to her and she found out and you lost her forever? Wait, that’s now! Shit! Um, okay, focus. Focus. Focus....” She took a few deep breaths. “Okay. That was calming down instead of focussing, but it still worked. What to do, what to do....” Even after saying that, she didn’t come up with anything. “Um... I don’t know what to do. What sources of coupons could possibly be left?”

Of course, this wouldn’t’ve been a problem if Pinkie used Groupon! Groupon: it’s groupalicious.

“I don’t know what to do. I’ll have to tell her. She’s going to kill me. I’m going to die. She could brew something up and kill me if she wanted to. I should just tell her. It’s the right thing to do.”

Two uneventful hours passed until Zecora entered Sugarcube Corner. Well, she tried to enter, but it was closed.

“Well, this is inconvenient,” Zecora said. She banged loudly on the doors.

“L-fuculokinase,” Pinkie said. “That’s probably Zecora. I’ll have to tell her. Fuckminsterfullerene.”

She ran downstairs and 4wards to the door.

“I’ll be back,” Pinkie said. “Wait here.”

That time she wasn’t lying, as came back with a key in her mouth, and subsequently applied said key in order to unlock the door.

“Hello,” Zecora said.

“Hi. Look, I’m sorry, I mean I’m really sorry, but I lied to you. There are no coupons.”

“Why would you lie to me?”

“Because I love you.”

“You love everybody, what’s y—”

“No, in a romantic way. I was trying to trick you into a date. I’m so sorry, I should’ve just told you, but I was afraid that you’d just reject me immediately and I’d need to trick you for me to get an actual chance. I’m sorry, I wish I hadn’t done any of that, and I know that’s what sorry means, but I’m sorry.”

“I can’t believe you’d do that.”

“I know, I’m sorry, I feel really bad. I mean, I love you, and this is how I treated you. If there’s anything I can do 4 you to 4give me, I’ll do it.”

“You said you were over me.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said... I lied. So to summarise, I love you, I lied to you, and I really regret lying to you and I’ll do anything.”

“Well, love can make you do stupid things, and I like to tell myself I’m forgiving....”

“I was trying to not lose my job again. Like I’ve said before, I’m really not that confident in Sugarcube Corner’s ability to not metaphorically explode right now, so that sort of swayed my decision away from just telling you... so... will you give me a chance?”

“No.”

“Come on, we can still go. I’ll pay for everything. Free food!”

“May I abuse this promise by ordering more expensive food than what I would normally get?”

“Anything you want.”

“I thought you were in reasonably dire straits with your money.”

“That’s one of the points, I love you so much that I’m doing it anyway.”

“Well, I suppose I won’t turn down an offer of free food if I can abuse it.”

“You’ll be too moral to abuse it anyway.”

“We’ll see.”

So if we just skip to right outside the res—the fic is not under acceleration for Faust’s sakes! Um, okay, right outside the restaurant, when stuff started happening again....

“Are you all right?” Zecora said, saying “all right” instead of “okay” to seem sophisticated even though her company was Pinkie Pie.

“Yeah, do I not look like it?”

“You seem content, which by your standards is melancholic.”

“I’m fine.”

Pinkie was so distracted by talking that she walked into the door.

“Fuck,” Pinkie said.

“We’re going into a restaurant with a high concentration of foals, you know.”

“I know.”

“So just be care—”

“I will.”

And so they made it to the front thing and got seated. You want detail? Too bad. You know, back in my day, if we wanted detail, we had to walk ten kilometres uphill through snow, get the detail ourselves, then walk ten kilometres back uphill to get back home. We lived on Penrose stairs. But kids these days just get spoon-fed detail without havin’ to work for it. Um, anyway, they got seated. I think they ordered water, too, I was paying more attention to my rant.

“I wish I had had the 4sight to 4mulate a plan that didn’t involve lying to you,” Pinkie said.

“It’s okay, we’re still friends.”

“Seriously, I’m sorry.”

“You’ve already apologised and subsequently been forgiven.”

“I have been? I didn’t sound very 4given b4.”

“Well, you are. It’s okay that you were a little shy about telling me, I just wish you didn’t lie.”

“I know, that was stupid... I just really want to spend some time with you so I can know about whether I should make a big deal of pursuing you or not.”

“Like you said, you wish you had done something else. You don’t have to keep apologising for it.”

“Why do you have to be so nice about it? You’re making me feel guilty.”

“I thought that’s what the abusable food offer was for.”

“That was to get you to come here. I still feel like a jerk.”

“Well, don’t. I understand that you didn’t want to just come up to me and say you loved me.”

“That’s what I should’ve done, though. It would’ve been sudden and awkward, sure, but it would’ve been better than lying to you.”

“Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

“I will beat myself up over it.” Pinkie took her butter knife and poked herself in the spleen.

“If you really want to punish yourself, I can make something for you later.”

“Thanks.”

Other ponies talking in the background, during which a waitress came by to deliver water and pose a very important question:

“Are you ponies—um, pony and zebra ready to order?”

“We haven’t even looked at our menus yet,” Pinkie said.

“Okay. I’ll get back to you in another couple of minutes.”

“thx”

And so she left for the next table.

“Should we actually look at the menus?” Zecora said.

“It’ll seem weird if she comes by again and we still haven’t decided.”

“That’s why we should decide what food we want?”

“Yes.”

They looked at their menus, and their menus looked at them. Everything went quiet as they calmly went over one of the hardest, not to be confused with most important, decisions in both of their lives. Remember that time you wanted to see a couple of the characters read restaurant menus for five minutes? Then let’s move on.

“I decided,” Pinkie said, “So now we can talk again.”

“We could’ve talked anyway.”

“Well, that’s behind us. We have to look toward the future.”

“I haven’t decided yet, so if it really takes that much concentration, we still can’t talk.”

“Fine. It’s not like I can go back on it now.”

Meanwhile, Spike was sleeping and Twilight was watching him. Wait, by Spike, I mean Rainbow. And by him, I mean her, obviously. Spike was sleeping, though, that much is still true.

“You’re getting that really expensive thing in the corner, aren’t you?” Pinkie said.

“That saffron bread soup?”

“Yeah.”

“Good idea.”

“I h8 you.”

“Then I guess the whole finding out whether you love me thing is settled.”

“You know what I mean, it’s meta4ical. I just didn’t expect you to actually get the una4dable stuff.”

“So you don’t actually—”

“No, I do love you enough to spend a bunch of money on you, I just didn’t expect you to actually make me do it.”

“But you are still willing to do it.”

“Yeah.”

“Even though I’m obviously not interested in you?”

“I’ll take that risk.”

After another conversation, mostly involving agreeing with each other about politics, the waitress came by just as Pinkie was about to say something unintentionally racist.

“hav u decided on ur orderz” said the waitress, different from the previous one.

“im geting the grillt cheese,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Terrible choice. And you?”

“The Xtreme Saffron Bread Soup® with Xtra generic Xpensive Xotic plant.”

“Mediocre. I’ll be back with half the table’s food in a slightly long time.”

“Coolioseroni,” Pinkie said.

And so the waitress disappeared into thin air since she was a unicorn.

“I like pie,” Pinkie said.

“I like tau.”

“You’re a tauist?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t believe I ever thought I liked you.”

“Call me about that when you can’t remember if that formula was π or 2π.”

“Call me when you have to work with half τ. I mean, two is much less troublesome to work with than half.”

“I’m not saying we have to exclusively use pi or tau, I’m just saying we replace 2π with τ.”

“And leave single pi alone?”

“Yes.”

Pinkie didn’t respond.

“Is there anything you want to say?” Zecora said.

“Appeal to tradition.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Pinkie’s food was delivered.

“So now that you tricked me into this date—” Zecora said.

“I didn’t trick you. I lied to you, I confessed, I apologised and offered apology food, and you took it. When did I trick you?”

“When you lied to me. Our entire relationship is based upon a lie.”

“Maybe I’ll just leave right now.”

“Amicable’s isn’t expensive enough for you to storm out of it and look like the mature one.”

“Dammit, you’re right.”

Silence but for the clinks of stainless steel on... plate.

“You should actually eat your food,” Zecora said.

Pinkie took a bite of her clichély triangular grilled cheese sandwich.

“Cheer up,” Zecora commanded.

“No.”

“You’re Pinkie Pie. It’s OOC of you to be unhappy.”

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not constantly on massive amounts of antidepressants so I can be what my friends expect me to be.”

An ellipsis from Zecora! This could be it!

“Anything you wanna say?” Pinkie said.

“You win.”

Pinkie triumphantly took a bite of her sandwich.

After an acrimonious argument about an aviation academy arguably (accordingly, actualising an argument) acting amateurish and amoral, Zecora’s food arrived. Was delivered, rather. It didn’t get there itself.

“That appears as an amazing aliment,” Pinkie said.

“You know that word?”

“It’s actually a... an atypical... anecdote.”

“You’re making me feel like I should rhyme again.”

“You should.”

Zecora ate a spoonful of the soup.

“That’s not a response.”

“I don’t know, rhyming is so much trouble. I still do it when I’m working on ponies I don’t know that well.”

“Yeah, but that’s the only reason you’re loved. I mean, sure, you’ve saved all our lives and stuff, but the rhyming is what’s really memorable about you.”

“So is that why you love me?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

Pinkie took a bite of her sandwich.

“You don’t know, do you?”

“Mm-mm.”

“You can’t think of any reason.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Nothing.”

Pinkie swallowed her food. “I think it’s for around the same reason you love Fluttershy.”

“Then why can’t you just love Fluttershy?”

Beat.

“Oh Faust,” Zecora said, “That’s weird.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, I’m flattered, but I don’t love you.”

“Just wait until dessert when you get another expensive thing.”

And so some eating, including Pinkie Pie using the soup which came with her grilled cheese, something which she got a creepily high level of satisfaction out of.

“i don’t have much 2 say,” Pinkie said, about two thirds of the way through her sandwich, “But I feel like I should say something just ‘cause it’s been a while since we’ve talked.”

“Is there any more alliteration you’d like to do?”

“I think I’ll 4go that 4 the rest of the night.”

“Sounds good.”

“What if I didn’t 4go it?”

“That would also sound good.”

“So it really doesn’t matter to you.”

“It really doesn’t matter. Should it?”

“Well, no, but... y’know... it just seems like a cool thing to do something like that.”

“You’re not suddenly about to use some gimmick in your speech, are you?”

“Well, maybe, if you want me to....”

“Why would I want you to?”

“Well, I want to impress you.”

“You mean I’m shallow? Is that what you’re telling me? I’m quite insulted.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, I just... I’ll do anything to make you love me. And don’t say it’s cliché to be willing to do anything. It’s required to be a good dramatic lover. That’d be like saying it’s cliché to have an engine in a car.”

“I never said it was.”

“Sorry. I just anticipated you would.”

“No.”

She took a moment. “I’m sorry,” Pinkie said, sounding confident and satisfied with herself.

“Don’t be.”

More eating ensued, then some lines that really weren’t interesting, then the first waitress came by. “Are you ponies—pony and zebra—having dessert tonight?”

“I’ll have the Gritty Bittersweet Ending Sundae,” Pinkie said.

“Gr8. And you?”

“Um, the Rhodium Leaf Octuple Designer Chocolate Ice Cream with the Stop Pronouncing Acai Wrongly Smoothie,” Zecora said.

“Decent choice, I’ll get those out for you.”

She went off to do that.

“So do you love me yet?” Pinkie said as if the answer was going to be positive.

“No.”

“Come on. You know how much this is goin’ to cost, you can’t tell me I did all this for nothing.”

“You said you were willing to take that risk.”

“I know....”

“So shut up.”

“Fine.”

Pinkie shut up for about one minute. “Is there anything I can say to make you love me?”

“‘I have the same opinions as you, just more extreme.’.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I know what you mean, but that’s not to say I care.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“I thought you were haikuing.”

“No.”

“Oh. So... why do you love Fluttershy so much?”

“She’s sweet and stuff.”

“Exactly. She’s such a generic pony to love. You should love somepony fun and energetic and exciting and social.”

“That’s the opposite of Fluttershy.”

“No, the opposite of Fluttershy is Rainbow Dash. Is she fun and... wait, shit, she is those. Does that mean we should be together? Pinkiedash can’t be true.”

“I’m not saying I support it, but why not?”

“Because it would involve me changing my worldview.”

“Why does that relate to—”

“I don’t know, okay? I just... I like Rainbow, she’s a really good friend, but I don’t love her.”

“You should ask why she doesn’t love you later.”

“Well, that solves why we shouldn’t be together, but that doesn’t solve why I shouldn’t love her. There’s even kinda evidence with the pranking episode.”

“When did FiM ships care about evidence? They’re all about personalities matching up logic.”

“Still, our personalities match up. However you cut the pie, it seems like I should love her.”

“Then love her.”

“Well, I can’t just suddenly decide that I love her.”

“Why not?”

“Because it would involve a massive, sudden shift in my worldview.”

“Why does that relate to—”

“I don’t know, okay?”

The second waitress appeared with the desserts.

“ty,” Pinkie said.

“Thank you,” Zecora said.

“aisle git hte bil 4 u in a min”

“Okay,” Zecora said.

“wut”

“ok,” Pinkie said.

“o”

She went off to do that.

“Your thing looks like fancy chocolate ice cream with gold leaf on top of it,” Pinkie said.

“Your thing looks like unspecified flavour ice cream with unspecified topping,” Zecora said.

“Should we make obvious statements or eat some ice cream?”

Zecora took a sip of her smoothie.

“Fuck you.”

“I’m never going to love you when you have that attitude.”

“You weren’t going to love me anyway.”

Pinkie took a mostly whipped cream, at least by volume, bite of her sundae.

“This whole you loving me thing isn’t really working out,” she said, “But I’m still having a nice time with you. And, you know, maybe something will happen with Rainbow Dash.”

“I still like you as a friend. Really, how could anyone have any opinion on you other than ‘she’s a good friend’?”

“I guess. I just wish somepony, and by pony I mean zebra, really loved me, but the same time I like how nopony really hates me.”

“I just don’t want you to take my rejection of you to mean that I don’t like you.”

“No, I understand.”

After that, I think it went nomming, uninteresting talk, nomming, references to obscure anime, nomming, then they had finished the desserts.

“Do you want to look at the bill?” Zecora said. “I know you’ve been deliberately ignoring it the whole time.”

“I guess I have to see sometime.” Pinkie looked at the paper of ultimate destiny. “Oh. Is that it?”

“Yes.”

“That’s a lot less than I expected.”

“So you won’t starve, then?”

“I won’t starve.”

And so the relational status of Pinkie Pie and Zecora didn’t change.

But wait, there’s more! For only four easy payments of... wrong thing. Pinkie still had to go to Rainbow Dash about the love thing. Of course, she had no idea where Rainbow was, but she realised that it was nighttime so three places were possible: Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight’s house, and a cloud. She travelled to Twilight’s house under the surprisingly bright moonlight and knocked the door.

“Pinkie Pie?” Twilight said as if she was slightly confused, since she was. “You’re not Rainbow, why are you at my door?”

“Do you know where Rainbow Dash is?”

“She’s here, but she’s asleep.”

“Well, I’m waiting here until she wakes up.”

“Right there or inside?”

“...Right here.”

Twilight closed the door. Five minutes later, the clouds started raining. This caused Pinkie to knock on the door again, which caused Twilight to answer it.

“Did you change your mind?” Twilight said.

“Yepperoni.”

“Well, if you make any noise, you might wake her up. And you’re all wet, so try not to touch the floor either.”

“Fine. I’ll take my business elsewhere.”

“Good.”

Twilight closed the door and Pinkie went over to a nearby tree for cover. She stayed there longer than she expected, by which I mean she stayed there for five hours, fell asleep, then woke up to find herself in Twilight’s bed. She got up and headed for the lavatory, being spotted by Twilight along the way, who got in a “hi” which was completely ignored. After lavatory stuff, she went back to Twilight.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said, not bothering to get off her monitor-facing chair.

“Where’s Rainbow?”

“She’s not with us anymore.”

“What?”

“She went to the big race flying course in the sky.”

“I can’t tell if she’s dead or not.”

“She’s alive last time I saw her.”

“Good. But she’s not here. I wanted to ask her something.”

“There’s always Facebook.”

“I guess, but it’s dramatic, so I need to do a letter at a minimum.”

“Then make a letter out to her.”

“Where’ll it get sent?”

“Sweet Apple Acres.”

“How do you know?”

“Because it’s happened.”

“Sounds good. I should, um, probably go to Sugarcube Corner now.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Bivalve.”

Chapter 150: Around the World

“More,” transcriber #2 said.

Wait, wrong tab. So it was time for another Appledash chapter. They were all the same, but they kept making money so it didn’t really matter. Rainbow flew to Sweet Apple Acres, specifically the barn, specifically the front door. She knocked the door with her hoof.

“AJ already has plans,” Big Mac said.

“Like?”

“With me.”

“Fine.”

“Before you go, there’s a letter for you.”

“Can’t you get it?”

“Eenope.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that.” She went inside, took the epistle, and got out. “Bye.”

Big Mac closed the door.

“From Pinkie Pie...” Rainbow said to herself. She sat against the wall, opened the envelope, and took the letter. “Dear Rainbow Dash, give me a reason you don’t love me. I’m not saying I love you, I just need a reason to hate Pinkiedash I can put into words. With a strong, burning, passionate platonic love, Pinkie Pie. Hmm... I think I’ll give her a reason in pony for the drama.”

And so Rainbow went over to Sugarcube Corner.

“Hi,” Pinkie Pie said.

“I read your letter.”

“Cool! Did it make you want to buy something from Sugarcube Corner?”

“No, but it filled me with this incredible urge to give you a reason why Pinkiedash doesn’t work.”

“That’s good too.”

“Anyway, just off the top of my head, you’re too friendly nice positive like Fluttershy.”

“So I’m not the exact polar opposite of Fluttershy.”

“Of course not.”

“Okay, you can go now.”

“That’s all you needed?”

“Unless you want to purchase—”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Rainbow left to do flying or something.

“We’re so going under,” Pinkie 4casted.

The flying or something turned out to be to Twilight, since otherwise the chapter would be boring. Did you know that this fic has a higher concentration of the “knock” lexeme than any other FiM fic on the Internet? I made it up, but it could be true.

“She’s studying,” Spike said.

“So? What happens if she doesn’t?”

“She’s studying.”

“So?”

Spike slammed the door.

“AJ, Twilight... that’s everypony. I guess I’ll fly or something.”

So, uh... you have anything to say, Pinkie?

“Are Apple Bloom’s schooly adventures interesting?”

“No,” transcriber #3,735,928,559 said.

“So it’s just me again.”

“Yep.”

“Fuckeroni. Well, I don’t have anything to talk about, so what can we do?”

“Pinkie... Rainbow... Twilight... Zecora?... Applejack, Apple Bloom... Applemac sex scene... Zecora vlogging... second option’s probably better.”

“You’re on,” camerapony #255 said.

“What?” Zecora turned around in a circle. “Where are you?”

“We’re everywhere.”

“I know, but where are you?”

“Follow my voice.”

“But you sound like you’re in this opaque plastic bottle that I don’t remember ever having.”

“Exactly.”

Zecora unlidded the bottle and found a two-way radio inside.

“I think I’ll dispose of this via fire,” Zecora said.

“Do you want me to die?”

“You’re just speaking through this.”

“No, I’m a walkie-talkie. Do you really want to kill me?”

“You’re a pony speaking through—”

“I’m a walkie-talkie, for realsies!”

Zecora went outside, got a few sticks and stones, made a cute little campfire, and went back inside.

“What were you doing out there?” camerapony #255 said.

“I was only gone for a few minutes.”

“What were you doing?”

Zecora took the bottle with her mouth and brought it outside.

“Please! How do you know I’m not a sentient walkie-talkie? You could be killing an innocent being!”

Zecora threw the two-way radio-containing bottle into the fire.

“Noooo!”

Zecora went back inside to leave camerapony #255 to its fiery doom, but mostly to get some fire-ending water. She unexcitedly watched the fire, and eventually put it out once the radio looked sufficiently melted.

“That didn’t go according to plan,” camerapony #255, the camerapony talking to Zecora through the radio named camerapony #255, said.

Chapter 151: You Can Ignore This One, It’s Just Like All the Other Appledash Chapters

Rainbow came over to Sweet Apple Acres then she and Applejack talked about stuff.

THE END

Chapter 151½: Chapter 151 Director’s Cut

Rainbow Dash wasn’t having sex with Applejack when she suddenly realised something: she could be having sex with Applejack. And so she flew from that place everyone knows of but never talks about to Sweet Apple Acres, more specifically the housebarn, more specifically just outside it, more specifically right in front of its front door. She knocked the door using her hoof.  Notably, she couldn’t see the pony who opened it.

“Uh...” she said, “Anypony?”

Apple Bloom came out from behind the door.

“Hi, Apple Bloom.”

“Yoseph.”

“I need to ask you a question.”

“No, ya don’t.”

“I know.”

A slight wind picked up, sending a haggle of tumbleweeds Rainbow’s way.

“You best be gettin’ in, Ah do reckon, those tumbleweeds can be a weed in the spleen.”

Rainbow stepped inside, closing the door behind her. “What did you say?”

“You best be—”

“I know, but... what did you say?”

“What about it?”

“It’s all... y’know... I guess it sounds like you’re making fun of AJ. Is that what you’re doing? ‘Cause the one thing I have in common with Big Mac fangirls is being willing to kill ponies for makin’ fun of AJ.”

“That’s not what Ah was trahin’ to do, now get up there an’ do one ah the three things you do.”

“Fine. I was about to anyway.”

And so Rainbow went upstairs. She tried barging into Applejack’s room without knocking, only to find her efforts completely and utterly successful.

“Rainbow!” Applejack said so loudly two of the walls of the barn fell, yet so quietly that not even she could hear herself.

Rainbow closed another door behind her and locked it. Locking stuff isn’t trivial with hooves, so appreciate it.

“Get off your chair and your Minecraft and let’s fuck,” Rainbow said.

“You think you can just storm inta mah house not knowin’ what mah situation’s lahke an’ suddenly ask me to drop Mahnecraft jus’ so Ah can satisfah your nymphomaniacal urges?”

“Yes.”

“You’re supposed to be the one who bends to mah will all submissive lahke. Y’know, ever since you cheated on me.”

“You didn’t seem to think Big Mac was a big deal.”

“Yeah, well... that’s different.”

“Why?”

“‘Cause. We weren’t... in... a romantic relationship. An’ still aren’t.”

“So?”

“So... er... Vahnyl! Yeah, you never mentioned her. Remember waaay back when we unairedly agreed to tell each other about any new sexual or romantic-tahpe situations?”

“Of course I do.”

“So see? Ah’m still ahead.”

“Well, maybe I’ll leave you if you don’t let me be equal.”

“Maybe that’s a really obvious bluff an’ your position is just imaginary an’ has never actually affected the relationship outside ah the sex anyway.”

“I knew all of those things.”

“Well, Ah knew ‘em too. Do you really wanna leave me?”

“No.”

“That’s what Ah thought.” Applejack transitioned from sitting on a chair to sitting on a bed. “Now come over here so Ah can romantically hold you.”

Rainbow walked to the bed and climbed onto Applejack so that she was basically in the same position but facing her. Applejack turned her around and held her softly.

“Do you love your precious wi’l’ AJ?” said Wainbow’s pwecious wi’l’ AJ.

“I love you.”

“Ah ♥ you too.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Ah’m gonna keep doin’ that.”

“Fuck you.”

“Ah love ya too.”

It was silent except for the swirly sound of wind. Rainbow enjoyed the comfy lovetastic warmth of Applejack as Applejack enjoyed romantically holding her. Note that Applejack’s eyes were open whilst Rainbow’s were closed, just for the petty dominance.

“I could coze like this for hours,” Rainbow said.

“lol”

“In reality, I’d probably fall asleep before I got anywhere near that far, though....”

A couple more seconds of nothing passed by, then Rainbow opened her eyes and turned just enough of her body around for eye contact with Applejack.

“Now you’re just actin’ like a foal,” Applejack said.

“But this is the part where we have sex....”

Applejack sighed. “Ah ain’t gonna make ya plead for it.” She let go of Rainbow, who stood on the floor instead of falling or something, and got under a couple blankets.

“Do we have to be under stuff?”

“It’s too cold, Rainbow.”

“It’s not too cold. We’re not wearing clothes. We’re inside. It’s fine.”

“Jus’ get under the covers.”

“I refuse.”

“Fahne. Then get off ah mah property.”

“Whose property is this anyway?”

“It ain’t important. Just go.”

“If you anticipate me going, you can get out of that bed now.”

“Ah don’t anticipate you goin’.”

Rainbow postponed her response a couple seconds. “You’re right.” She got on the bed with Applejack and under the covers, also with Applejack. “I still don’t think this is necessary.”

“Ah still don’t think you’re necessary.”

“Would your life be happy without me?”

Applejack postponed her response a couple seconds. “No....”

“That’s what I thought. Maybe my random visits are a bit awkward and inconvenient sometimes, but you could live without ‘em?”

“No....”

Rainbow took Applejack and pulled her closer. “That’s what I thought.”

Even though the scene would’ve been okay as it was, there was a sex scene that still felt tacked on even though it happened regardless of whether it was shown or not.

Chapter 152: Married For Service

‘Twas the night before... um... well, no important eves were going on, but what was going on was Apple Bloom realising she had to talk with Twilight for contractual reasons.

“What am Ah gonna do?” Apple Bloom said to herself. “Ah can’t just walk over there, it’s dark. Ah’ll either trip over somethin’ or get raped.”

Meanwhile, Twilight was wondering what she was going to do.

“I can teleport,” she said to Spike, not because he needed to know or cared, but just so that she wasn’t talking to herself, “But that still doesn’t solve the problem of what I’ll actually talk about.”

“Pancakes?”

“Pancakes?”

“I don’t know.”

“I need to think of something.”

Meanwhile at the midpoint of the line segment which starts at Twilight’s treehouse and ends at Sweet Apple Acres, a pony tripped over an errant rock in the darkness and, before she could get up, got pulled into an even darker alley and raped.

“Fuck it,” Twilight said. “I’m going over there and saying something.”

“Shouldn’t you be all Twilighty nervousness caution?”

“Well, that’s not working, is it?”

And so Twilight teleported into the entry/living room of the housebarn. She went up to the upstairs hallway equally undramatically and punched Apple Bloom’s door in its face.

“Yogos,” Apple Bloom said.

“Open the door.”

Apple Bloom opened the door. “Yogos.”

“Hi.”

Twilight came in.

“Ah hate the new update even though all it does is add stuff you can completely ignore,” Apple Bloom informed the masses and infromed 7ox News. You know, I must be the first to ever come up with that joke.

“I’d rather be violently raping my sexual partner than talking to you right now.”

“Me too.”

The conversation ended.

“Ah have some money Ah stole from the new foal, wanna do stuff?”

“You’re a bully?”

“He came in an’ decahded to be a generic school bully for a couple weeks, then Ah clichély defeated ‘im an’ that’s how Ah got the money.”

“Cool. Shouldn’t you save the money or something?”

“Well, Ah’m never gonna use it. Ah mean, what’ll three bits do to get me ahead in lahfe?”

The door could be heard being knocked. It could also not be heard if you were, for example, deaf or covering your ears really well. But either way, Twilight and Apple Bloom and Applejack all stepped a step outside their respective rooms to get the door and noticed each other. Well, Twilight and Apple Bloom had already noticed each other, but you know.

“Ah’ll get it,” Applejack said. She went downstairs.

After going said downstairs, she opened the door to find a pony with infrared-coloured fur wearing a balaclava covering his not mouth, including the eyes. Not that those features were really important, they were just funny, but what was important was the hoofgun he had in his mouth. Before Applejack could even think “oh crap gunpony-tahpe situation”, he put the mouth, I think it’s called—the shooty end of the gun—to one side of her forehead and his other forehoof to the other, able to stay up because a unicorn behind a wall was using magic.

“TWAH—” Applejack said as loudly as possible, choosing Twilight since she was powerful, smart, and other things important for getting out of sticky situations. Not to be confused with the kind of sticky situation I got into when I mispoured some syrup for my pancakes.

“Don’t talk,” the gunpony said in that really firm voice you hear in films when someone’s stressed and there’s a critical situation going on.

Twilight and Apple Bloom heard them, of course.

“So should you...” Apple Bloom said, “Go over there, or....”

“Probably.”

Twilight teleported down there. The gunpony changed from staring at Applejack to staring at her.

“Don’t move or I’ll blow her fuckin’ brains out!” used a cliché expression the gunpony. “I am sufficiently insane to perform such a manoeuvre!”

“What can I do to make you not do this?” Twilight said.

“Money!”

“What quantity of money do you desire?”

“Three bits!”

“I’ll get that for you in just a minute.”

Twilight teleported back to Apple Bloom, hoping that teleportation wouldn’t count as movement.

“Apple—”

“Ah heard.” She took the aforementioned three bits out of her thing that she was carrying them in when she brought the money from school. “‘Ere.”

“Thanks,” Twilight said before teleporting once more.

“I have the money,” Twilight said, hovering said money to within reach of the gunpony. He took the coins in his mouth, as in his mouth was closed with them inside, put the gun back in his mouth, and stood like a normal pony. Just as he started to turn around to leave, Applejack snatched the gun from his mouth and gave him a taste of his own holding. Twilight, realising what she was doing, kept her up.

“Hey,” the unnamed unicorn partnering the unnamed gunpony said, peeking through the doorway, “What’s—” at seeing what was going on, he teleported away to safety.

“Anyway,” Twilight said, walking slowly to the gunpony, “Let’s see who’s under this mask.”

She took off the balaclava.

“Old Man Jenkins?!” she and Applejack said.

“And I would’ve gotten away with it too,” Jenkins said, “If it weren’t for you meddling foals.”

“So...” Twilight said, “What do we do now?”

“Ah dunno, you’re the smartest pony ever.”

“I think we should take him to a prison that’s not made of cookie dough.”

“Good ahdea.”

Twilight sent him a knockout bolt. “Do you know any good prisons?”

“No.”

And so they Googled for prisons near Ponyville, eventually finding Boron Nitride Maximum Security Facility of Correction, which specialised in the holding of gunponies over the age of fifty.

“So what do we do now?” Applejack said.

“I don’t know. Do we just turn him in and tell them to take him there? It doesn’t seem like that’s something you could do.”

“Maybe we could just bring ‘m to the prison? If you zoom out the map, you could see how far away it is....”

“I’ve never been there and it’s sort of far away, so we’d probably end up in a tree.”

“Then what are we gonna do?”

“I guess just call police and ask them to take him there. I mean, the worst that happens is they say no and we feel embarrassed for a few seconds.”

“Ah guess.”

As such, they called police. Jenkins woke up once as the police were coming, but was quickly knocked out again. Really, it wasn’t exciting. But eventually after much small talk, the police arrived and Twilight and Applejack were outside waiting there for them. One thing they both couldn’t help but notice was the fact that the police arrived in a car.

“Our police get cars now?” Twilight said.

“Yep,” Policestallion With Car said. “So what—is that Old Man Jenkins?”

“Yes. And can you take him to—uh, what was it called, AJ?”

“Boron Nahtrahde Maximum Security Facility ah Correction?”

“Yeah, there.”

“Good idea,” Policestallion With Car said.

“Yeah!” Policemare With Car said.

And so the policeponies put Old Man Jenkins in the boot and drove off.

Chapter 153: .08(3)

Apple Bloom woke up. She then rolled over and did nothing for the following thirty-five minutes, followed by a trip to the lavatory for boring morning things. After said boring morning things, she was excited, because she knew it was twelve, twelve, TWELVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Unless we suddenly switch to a different calendar,” she said for the camera, “We ain’t gettin’ another one ah these for a looong tahme. Ah feel so ready for tahday!”

Apple Bloom grabbed her bags, put necessary school-type stuff in them, and headed off for a day that was sure to be filled with adventure and fun! She walked happily to school, by some metaphorically divine coincidence seeing Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo just as they were also entering the front school property. They merged themselves into one big happy group of classmate friends and walked together.

“You know what day it is?” Scootaloo said, thinking about how she really only spent about seventy or seventy-five per cent of her time without shelter, so her life really wasn’t that bad.

“Ah know what day it is,” Apple Bloom said, sounding just as excited and happy as Scootaloo, who by the way sounded fairly excited.

“Do you know?” Scootaloo said to Sweetie Belle.

“It’s the twelfth of December on 2012, but—”

“Twelve, twelve, TWELVE!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The CMC did locker stuff and before long, it was time for the day’s first class.

“Well,” Cheerilee said, “It’s time to start the class.” The chalkboard, notably, did not have a giant Greek letter on it. “Are we sure Shortbread isn’t here?”

“He didn’t scream ‘here’ when you called ‘is name,” Apple Bloom said, “An’ Ah don’t see ‘m ‘ere.”

“Very twelve. Now, if you’ll get unit 12 of The Compendium of All Numbers and turn to page 144—”

A colt whose fur had the palish yellowy sand-like colour of shortbread rushed into the room, looking slightly stressed and rushed and such. “Am I late?”

“By twelve seconds,” Cheerilee said.

“I’m sorry, I got stuck behind Andrea and he wouldn’t let me through, then—”

“It’s okay, I won’t dock you the twelve points. Take your seat and we can get started.”

He took the remaining seat.

After a mathematics class whose fun was proportionate to how much you liked maths, some more dialogue ensued.

“How are you gonna celebrate 12-12-12?” Scootaloo said.

“Ah dunno, maybe we can jus’ do a sleepover.”

“But it’s 12-12-12! We have to do something special!”

“Ah know, but what can we do that’s related ta twelve?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do we have to do anything?” Sweetie Belle said. “It shouldn’t be such a big deal anyway.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at each other for a moment, then to Sweetie Belle.

“What the fuck is your prahblem with 12-12-12?” Apple Bloom said.

“Why should it be such a major day?”

“‘Cause it’s a repetitive date, you morahn!”

“I know, but what’s the big deal about that?”

Apple Bloom looked at Scootaloo.

“I don’t know what her problem is,” Scootaloo said.

“I wanna kill ‘er.”

“We can beat her after school.”

“Cool.”

The next class, an art-psychology-sex education hybrid, went well, followed by some in-joke-filled talk followed by a class about the history of geography followed by a typography class focussing mostly on avoiding things like rivers and widows and orphans and stuff. After at least one of these classes and perhaps some outside of what were listed, the CMC got some lunch and a table. Not like they got a free table to take home, that was only for the student with the highest grades at the end of the year.

“Do you ponies really want to beat me repeatedly?” Sweetie Belle said, ready for a revelation that either her friends were jerks who wanted to hurt her or jerks who wanted to make her think they were jerks who wanted to hurt her.

“Yeah,” Apple Bloom said. “Ah was completely serious about it. Weren’t you, Scootaloo?”

“Yeah.”

“We’re gonna beatcha up after school.”

“But I’m your friend, why would you do that to me?”

“‘Cause you said you didn’t care about repetitive dates.”

“Isn’t that against free speech or something like that?” Sweetie Belle said, seriously thinking she was going to get something like “oh shit, you’re right, we shouldn’t beat you up”.

“So what, are you sayin’ it’s okay to, lahke, say you hate AJ?”

“Well, no, but how much you like a holiday is an opinion like food or sports, not a fact like books and shows and, you know, works.”

“Well, yeah, but... you know....”

Everyone in the cafeteria stopped talking just in time for Billy to mention his rash cream.

“Maybe you got a point,” Apple Bloom said. “What do you think, Scootaloo?”

“I think beating her is a bad idea.”

“Then we won’t do it.”

Sweetie Belle bit into a pear.

“You could at least say ty,” Apple Bloom said.

“For what, not beating me?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Fahne.” Apple Bloom bit into an apple.

“...Should I be eating something?” Scootaloo said.

“M mw mw,” Apple Bloom said.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Sweetie Belle.

And so with the last scene of the episode suddenly cancelled, the chapter was forced to end with the best sleepover ever! Tequila was playing from a radio in Apple Bloom’s room as the CMC played Verenhimo!.

“7 and pink,” Sweetie Belle said.

“I can see,” said Scootaloo. “I’ll bet you... two of my fruit carts on Arctic Street.”

“Ah think Ah’ll stay outta this one,” Apple Bloom said.

“I’ll put a corn plantation in the pot,” Sweetie Belle said. “You good with that?”

“Yep, I’m good.”

Someone knocked Apple Bloom’s door.

“Enter,” Apple Bloom said.

Big Mac opened the door. “Do you want fruit kick or uppercut?”

“Uppercut,” Scootaloo said.

“It doesn’t matter because Sweetie Belle has to get it because she’s a unicorn,” Big Mac said.

“That’s racist,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Last time you didn’t carry them—”

“I know, but you’re not Apple Bloom.”

“No promises,” Big Mac said. He closed the door.

“Okay,” Scootaloo said. She drew a card out of the card containment unit that quiz-based board games tend to have. “In the famous single Every Single Song, what were the three things Jilefeaun’s character said she ‘loved like water’?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never heard that song.”

“Love, life, and a good rotten pancreas.”

“Okay....”

“Think you’ll live without your corn?”

“I’ll be fine.”

Even though it would’ve been convenient for the plot, Big Mac wasn’t there yet.

“Your turn,” a disembodied voice coming from the ceiling said.

“Ah know,” Apple Bloom said

“You know what?” Scootaloo said.

“Respondin’ ta the voice comin’ from the ceilin’ that said it was mah turn.”

“What are you talking about?”

“There was a voice from... did you hear it, Sweetie Belle?”

“No.”

“That’s weird that you ponies didn’t hear it....”

“Could somepony open the door?” Big Mac said.

Sweetie Belle opened the door with only the power of her mind and subsequently took the cups or juice boxes or whatever was being carried, again with only the power of her mind, and distributed them appropriately. The rest of the chapter was about a game of Verenhimo!.

Chapter 154: The Show That Only Gets Watched Because It’s Next to Withstander

It was a dark and snowstormy night in Ponyville, and Twilight was arguing on a forum about copyright-friendly Harry Potter. Or was it pancakes? No, it was the first thing. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Rainbow Dash arrives, dialogue then sex ensues. Well, that’s what Twilight thought too when she heard the door being knocked.

“Zed oh em jay,” Twilight said, “That’s probably Rainbow!”

Twilight ran eagerly to the door and opened it to see Derpy Hooves. Immediately after she opened the door, a wind picked up which blew a bunch of snow onto her and into the house. She took the envelope from Derpy’s mouth.

“Thank you,” Twilight said for a change.

Derpy Hooves then went off to somewhere else.

Twilight closed the door, tore the envelope with magic, and found an advertisement.

“Come to Forest Frontiers,” she read to herself, “Featuring Roller Coaster 1. Also, the shuttle loop shouldn’t kill ponies anymore. 40 Forest Drive, FrontierVille, Ponyprovince.” She was going to throw it out, then realised magically burning it would be more fun. She was also about to do it inside until she realised that burning things inside a treehouse was a bad idea, so she went outside, lit it, and watched as it undramatically burned in midair. It wasn’t as cool as she had hoped and she went back inside wondering what to do. For the sake of lines, she decided to go to that room where a television could fit to talk with Spike. The first thing she noticed was that Spike looked vaguely unhappy, and the second thing she was noticed was that he was wearing a pancake on his head.

“Spike?” Twilight said. “I have a couple of questions.”

“Yeah?”

“First, where did you get that pancake?”

“What pancake?”

“The one you’re wearing like a hat.”

“Huh?” Spike grabbed the pancake. “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I mean I don’t. Know.”

“How do you not know how you got a pancake on your head?”

“I don’t know.”

“Anyway, my other question is that you seem a little unhappy.”

“The news made me sad.”

“Why were you watching the news? You’re Spike.”

“I can’t find the remote.”

“Did you check in the pillows?”

“Of course I checked under—”

“No, in the pillows.”

Spike unzipped one of the two pillows on the couch. He reached aimlessly into it, which didn’t look sexual at all, and after a couple seconds felt something remote-like. He pulled it out to find that it was, in fact, a remote.

“Why was it in a pillow?” Spike said.

“For the same reason you had a pancake on your head.” Twilight levitated the pancake out of Spike’s hand. “I’m going to burn this outside.”

“Why?”

“It’ll be fun.”

“Why?”

“Okay, I can tell where this is going.”

“Why?”

Twilight left the room.

“Why?”

Because... wait, you can’t read this from there!

“Why?”

“Are you just saying ‘why’ at random but conveniently lucky intervals?” transcriber #26 said.

“Yeah.”

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was flying in some wintry clothes.

“Is that a floating fire next to the treehouse?” she thought. “Oh, there’s Twilight. Now it makes sense. You know, it’s cold and I’m not having fun, I should go over there.”

Rainbow landed reasonably next to her.

“zomg Rainbow!”

“Hi. Hey, is there anything you get excited about anymore besides me randomly showing up at your house and demanding sex?”

“I have a life outside of you. I read stuff.”

“And?”

“And we’ve been over this before. Your life outside of sex is just flying.”

“Fair enough. What was with that fire?”

“Just burning a pancake.”

“Why...?”

“Because I needed to dispose of it somehow.”

“Okay, then why didn’t you just throw it away?”

“Because burning things is more fun.”

“Sure. Anyway, should we go inside?”

“Unless you want to fuck in -5° weather.”

They went on in, only to be stopped by the sudden nonexistence of the universe. Wait, that didn’t happen. Not that it matters when the universe will eventually be one giant black hole anyway.

“Do you feel like taking off your clothes?” Twilight said.

“Can I wait at least a minute?”

“Well, what am I supposed to do for a minute?”

“What were you doing before I got here?”

“Arguing on the Internet.”

“You realise that nopony’ll actually change their view, so there’s really no point.”

“Yeah, it’s a circular thing.”

“What? Like circular logic? A vicious cycle? Whatever the opposite of a symbiotic relationship is called? None of those really....”

“There’s no point.”

“Twilight?”

“What?”

Rainbow punched her in the cheek.

“Ow! That wasn’t like a friendly little slap, that was like a coarse, moderate punch.”

“Well, don’t make bad puns.”

“Don’t physically abuse your girlfriend.”

“I think we should break up.”

“So do I.”

Rainbow turned around and got tackled by Twilight.

“Don’t leave me,” Twilight said.

“Get off me.”

Twilight got off her, allowing her to stand up.

“Thank you,” Rainbow said.

“Did you just say that?”

“Uh... yes?”

“In a place where nopony says stuff like that, you say something like that?”

“Sorry?”

“Don’t say that.”

“I’m just trying to be polite....”

“It wasn’t even your fault. I was the one who caused it.”

“I’m just trying to be polite....”

“It wasn’t even—”

Three hours later...

“I’m just... try...” Rainbow fell asleep.

“I wanna... watch her... but also... sex...” Twilight said before falling asleep.

One hour later...

“Hi, Twilight...” Rainbow said.

“Wanna wake up a bit and then have sex and then fall asleep again...?”

“Fuck yeah....”

After some waking up which involved soft music, dull films, and soporifics, the Twidash pair were ready for action in at least three senses of the word. They made it halfway to the bedroom only for Rainbow to trip on a book. No, not really. I mean, first Twilight or Spike has to leave a book randomly on the floor, which they’re not going to do, then Rainbow Dash has to trip. But they made it to the bedroom to see that Spike was there rearranging some books.

“Spike?” Twilight said.

Spike turned around to see them. “Oh.” He scurried out of the room.

“You know,” Rainbow said, “He’s said he won’t be traumatised.”

“I know, but we still want privacy, right?”

Rainbow pointed at one of the three cameras currently in the room.

“Still, when somepony’s in the room with us... I don’t know, I guess it’s just me.”

They both laid on Twilight’s bed, which is perfectly possible, but what’s not perfectly possible is having sex on it.

“Wait a second,” Rainbow said, “We’re on your bed.”

“Crap in a litterbox, you’re right.”

They both went and laid on the floor instead.

“So what should we actually do?” Rainbow said.

“Have sex.”

“Well, I know that, but—”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t know what to do, you came here.”

“How would you come to me?”

“I don’t know.” Twilight sat against the side of the bed. “But lick my clitoris.”

“I don’t like extreme Urban Dictionary-level slang, but you don’t have to be like that.”

“You don’t like extreme Urban Dictionary-level slang?”

“Well, I fucking apologise.”

“I don’t know, it’s just... you’re Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Do I talk like that?”

“I’m sorry....”

“I’ll still do sexual things to you.”

“Thanks.”

So Rainbow started sexual things, leaving Twilight to come up with the closing lines.

“Um... here’s an end-of-chapter haiku. The chapter is done, I’m having sex with Rainbow, so nothing that strange.”

Twilight decided to focus on the fun clopfic times, so no talking besides “fuuuck” happened for the rest of the night.

Chapter 155: Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Episode 9: Double-length Final Episode

“LAST TIME,” Pinkie Pie, clinging onto a tree, said into an 80-km/h crosswind, “ON WITHSTANDER: CORVIDAE FUCKING ISLANDS!”

She was going to continue, but closed her eyes in preparation for a massive wave. The wave destructinated the tree she was clinging onto and she was swept away into the ocean, powerless against the metaphorical will of the current. After a few minutes of being pulled away from the island and intermittently having waves crash over her, a medical crew helicopter ladder was descended to her and she grabbed on and climbed it, only for a wave to knock her off when she was halfway there. She was able to catch it just a few rungs down, and then she actually made it into the helicopter.

“Are you okay?” one of the three non-her ponies on the helicopter said, the other two being the transcriber and the pilot.

Pinkie breathed heavily for several breathing cycles before giving a response. “There’s a scratch on my left hindleg from a branch that scraped me and this flesh wound on my left foreleg from a branch that hit me, and I think I swallowed a mouthful of the ocean water, so if you could fix any of that, that’d be great.”

“We have some fancy hospital bandages in here, so I can do that.”

“Thanks.”

“Grrr,” Applejack said, standing next to Big Mac.

“You’re going down,” Lyra said, standing next to Octavia.

“We’re goin’ down? Are you serious?”

“I’m serious.”

“We’ll just fuckin’ see about that.”

“We will see.”

The remaining Withstanders canoed to Raven Island. There were four wooden pillars coming out of the water about two metres wide and long and ten metres high. And by about, I mean exactly.

“Welcome, Withstanders,” Pinkie said. “As you can see, it’s the standing on a pole for as long as you can challenge! Don’t you wish the Earthen versions of Survivor still had this? They do too, but it was completely impractical and they had to stop it eventually. Anyway, you’ll be airlifted to a randomly-selected pole and we’ll get started.”

Cut-out minutes passed.

“Withstanders ready?” Pinkie said.

“We’re already on the pillars,” Applejack said.

“Go!”

Thirty minutes later...

“Deeeyam,” Pinkie said, “You ponies really want to win The Prize.”

“What is the prize anyway?” Lyra said.

“The satisfaction of a job well done.”

“Seriously, though.”

“Eight thousand bits.”

“Isn’t Survivor a lot more?”

“Yeah, but we’re one of those countries that has to be reasonable with game show prizes.”

“I don’t watch game shows, so I wouldn’t know.”

Thirty minutes later...

“Welperdoozerwhatsitaronihoofingtonstickflakes,” Pinkie said, “It’s been an hour, so it’s thyme for the first bribe.” She went to a table that had always been there, featuring a bunch of plates with silver service lids on them, and took one of the lids off. “Folkachia, brushetta, and our famous just say nocchi.”

“Ah ain’t never gonna be gettin’ off for ain’t nothin’,” Applejack said.

“So bribes might work for you?” Pinkie said. “‘Cause you—”

“Shut up.”

“Faust, you don’t have to be so rude about it. Anyway, anypony coming off? No? There’s no way of telling when the next bribe is.”

A tumbleweed rolled across the beach.

“Very well.”

One hour later!

“This pizza is really good,” Pinkie said in between bites of plain cheese pizza. “I bet you ponies wish you had some Italian food besides that Italian rice you have to repeatedly eat. I think it’s Italian, anyway. Who cares. I don’t need to dot my js and cross my fs. I know that expression doesn’t work here, I just wanted to make that joke.”

One hour later!

“It’s thyme for the second bribe!” She uncovered another one of the plates to reveal three pancakes stacked on top of each other like flapjacks. “Three pancakes!”

No reaction.

“Nopony? You sure? Is eight thousand bits really that important to you? Sheesheronis.”

One hour later!

“These pancakes are really good,” Pinkie said in between bites of the pancakes from earlier. “If only I had some pancake toppings like butter or syrup and stuff. But that’s life, I guess. Well, how your pancakes taste isn’t important enough to qualify for that expression, but I don’t need to dot my js and cross my fs.”

Two hours later!

“It’s 18⅔:00 and time for the third bribe,” Pinkie said. She took off another one of the lids. “The previous two bribes doubled and a cheese cube.”

No reaction.

“Nothing? You sure? This could be the last one. You never know. And you don’t know how long you’ll have to be up there....”

No reaction.

“Fine.”

Four hours later!

“It’s 22:39:58, which means it’s time for bribe #4.” Once again, she took off one of the silvery dome coverings. “The previous bribe and a kilogram each of freedom toast, liberty chocolate cake, and independence delight!”

Lyra fell asleep, consequently falling off her pillar, and hit the water sidefirst.

“And Lyra takes it! Um, Lyra? You okay? You’re not getting overwater.”

A couple medical crew ponies appeared out of nowhere and dragged her out of the water.

“You can do quick healy magic without stuff exploding, right?” Soaringe said.

“Yeah,” said Imminent Sunrise, the unicorn who made the appearing out of nowhere possible.

One overlong florid description of casting a spell later, Lyra was okay and stuff.

“Do you feel okay and stuff?” Sunrise said.

Lyra got up. “I feel fine. What happened?”

“You fell asleep, fell in the water, and we had to pull you out.”

“Oh.” Lyra looked towards Pinkie. “Did I hear something about the next bribe?”

“Yep, and you won it!”

“Cool.”

Lyra went over and ate stuff.

188½ minutes later!

Octavia fell asleep, causing the same thing as Lyra to happen but without winning food.

“Welpers,” Pinkie said, “Only Applejack and Big Mac the rhyming siblings left! Who will win? Who shall prevail in this epic competition? Who will end up emerging victorious inside of a competitive activity as long, gruelling, emotional, and monumentally important as this one?”

Twenty minutes into the future!

“Okay,” Pinkie said, “This is the first time I’m ever going to drink coffee. How do I grab this mug? I have hooves. Should I use the handle? Should I use it like a normal cup? They wouldn’t put a handle there for no reason....” She tried to grab the handle and her hoof slipped, spilling a very small amount of coffee. “Fuck. Um, I’ll just try to... see, you can’t easily not grab the handle. Maybe if I have it perpendicular like this....” She managed to get a sip off this time. “Fuck, that tastes terrible. Maybe I’d just like a different kind, I don’t know, but I definitely don’t like this.”

Twenty-four minutes and seven seconds later!

Applejack fell asleep and fell into the water.

“Big Mac wins invulnerability! Wait, Big Mac? Okay, sure, I guess. Big Mac wins. Not that there’s something wrong with Big Mac winning, but I had four bits on AJ. Anyway, I’ll see all of you at Teamal Council, probably tomorrow night.”

Back at the island!

“Who are we voting for?” Big Mac said.

“Big Mac?” Applejack said.

Big Mac looked behind him. “What?”

“That’s a caterpillar.”

The remaining third, the ones who had made it to the tail end of the game, the few withstanders left, travelled to Teamal Council by helicopter. Was it by helicopter? I can’t remember.

“Come well,” Pinkie said, “Or el... se. WOJI. We’re going by position on the visible spectrum, so I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing with you, Octavia.”

Everybody voted.

“I’ll tally the votes,” Pinkie said, her perfect face perfectly reflecting the trees. After taking the votes and rearranging them so they could be revealed in a dramatic order, she came back with the container. “If you get a plurality of the votes, you lose. First vote: Applejack.”

“Duh,” Applejack thought.

“Applejack.”

“Duh,” thought Applejack.

“Octavia.”

“FUCKIN SHITBALLS D:,” Octavia thought.

“Octavia. It’s a tie, which means it’s time for a fire challenge!”

After some cut-out setup time, Applejack and Octavia were both standing behind some sticks. Above both sets of sticks were one rope each.

“You have to burn the rope,” Pinkie said. “GO!”

Applejack scraped a couple sticks together and burnt the rope in π seconds as Octavia realised why they didn’t vote for Lyra.

“Octavia loses!” Pinkie Pie said. “Come over here!”

Octavia came over there.

“Octavia, half your friends hate you.”

Octavia walked away whilst feeling sad about losing, except put dramatically.

“Only three of you remain,” Pinkie said. “I’d say something witty about the situation, but I can’t think of anything.”

‘Tis the season to be jolly! Or for some ponies, the season to rant about how Faustmas sucks because it’s all commercialised or whatever and for the ponies who already agree with them to agree and for the ponies who don’t to ignore them! But whether you’re going with Faustmas, Festivus, or that thing that’s like Hanukkah but in April and more important, buy stuff from us!

“A few minutes ago,” Pinkie said in no wind whatsoever, “On Withstander: Corvidae Islands! Big Mac won the challenge, and the inevitably tied vote brought it down to Applejack and Octavia in a fire challenge. Obviously, AJ won, so Octavia was eliminated, never to be seen again except for on the jury. Who will be the last voted out in the penultimate episode or maybe middle of the final episode on Withstander: Corvidae Islands?!”

Big Mac and Applejack stared at Lyra really hard.

“I get it,” Lyra said for the millionth time, “I’m screwed.”

“You can be more sweary about it,” Applejack said.

“I’m Lyra.”

“It’s time for the three challenges strung together challenge!” Pinkie said.

“They’re not here yet,” camerapony #2 said.

“I know.”

They came like Action 52.

“It’s time for the three challenges strung together challenge!” Pinkie said.

“What’re the three challenges?” Applejack said a randomly-generated phrase which by coincidence made sense.

“Swimming, digging, and puzzling! You swim out to there and back, dig inside one of the duct tape-delineated squares for a bag of jigsaw puzzle pieces, then climb out of the hole and solve the 500-piece jigsaw puzzle!”

“What does that have to do with survival?” Lyra said.

“One more rule: this challenge is not for invulnerability. If you come in the top two, you make it to the final jury vote thing, and if you come in last, you’re out of the entire game. Oh, and no magic. I think that’s it.”

“What does that have to do with survival?”

“Go!”

They ran into the water.

“So now what do I do now?” Pinkoszowic “Pinkie” “the Rock” Diane Pie-Lieberhausen said. “Just scream about what just happened when somepony gets overtaken?”

A question got asked, but not answered, violating conservation of energy.

“AJ’s in the lead,” Pinkie Pie commentated, “But what really matters is Lyra’s lastness.”

Due to the asymmetricalities present in our inherent quantum fields, pretty much all of the swimming was edited out.

“And Applejack is in the lead!” Pinkie Pie said. “She’s just coming out of the water now,” she continued in Murray Walker’s voice, “There she is. Now for the digging portion of the contest, and it’ll be interesting to see if Big Mac can make up time, or more importantly, if Lyra can make up time on Big Mac.”

After digging six hooves under, Applejack and Big Mac got their puzzle piece bags at exactly the same frame. They climbed out without issue with the bags in their mouths and got to work.

“I’m no 4tune teller,” Pinkie said, “But I think Lyra is 4ked.”

Big Mac and Applejack looked at each other in disbelief for a moment, then both completed the puzzle just as Lyra started hers.

“AJ done! Big Mac done! Lyra is out of here like Pioneer 10!”

“Why couldn’t you do something intelligence-related?” Lyra said.

“AJ and Big Mac are smart anyway.”

“Fuck, you’re right. So I guess I just suck.”

“Yep! You’ll now be escorted by helicopter to Sequestria.”

A helicopter appeared from behind some trees and landed. Lyra got in, and the helicopter took off without anyone thinking of anything dramatic to say.

“Welps,” Pinkie said, “Final two. It’s all outta your hooves now, bitches. Remember in the first competition when the whole jury thing was a massive twist? It was, right? I haven’t actually seen it. But good times, if that’s the case.”

“Hole drilled through the ground to reach a water supplah,” Applejack said back at the teamal island, “Guess there’s only one thing Ah can really say.”

Big Mac tilted his head down slightly.

“Ah miss Rainbow.”

After eating some rice, the two withstanding members of the game went to Teamal Council.

“As you can see by the jury members on that bench,” Pinkie Pie said, “It’s time for the jury persuasion portion of the game. Rainbow, Twilight, camerapony #3, Octavia, and Lyra will all sceptically listen to your desperate pleading for their votes and then proceed to ask you loaded questions and then sceptically listen some more. Who wants to go first?”

“Big Mac,” Applejack said.

“Big Mac, please make your opening statement.”

“You should vote for me because I didn’t constantly make your conversations hard to hear by whinging about Rainbow Dash.”

“Applejack, please make your opening statement.”

“Ah won a buncha stuff.”

“The corntestants have made their opening statements. The period of questioning will now begin, starting with the jury member who was eliminated firstly.”

Rainbow Dash got off the bench. “Okay, everypony knows I’m votin’ for AJ. I mean, really. So all I have to say is WOJI.”

Twilight’s turn. “Do either of you have any accusations of lying to make about the other?”

“Eenope.”

“Nup.”

Twilight went on the bench, but camerapony #3 went off.

“Do you have any boasts of achievement in the game involving challenges or deception?”

“You took my trade.”

“Ah won stuff.”

“Can I ask a better question?” camerapony #3 asked a question which was already better.

“Noperonis.”

Next up was Octavia.

“What arguments can you make to gain sympathy votes?” she said.

“I had to listen to ‘I miss Rainbow’ for half the game,” Big Mac said.

“Ah had to go without Rainbow,” said Applejack.

Finally, Lyra. But is that what really happened? Maybe all of this is made up and the camera footage is just actors. Kind of like the moon landing.

“What’s your favourite brand of frozen waffle fry?” Lyra said.

“Frozen waffle fry?” Big Mac said.

“Ah lahke Rivera,” Applejack said.

“Thank you.” Lyra laid back up on the bench.

“Welperdoozers, you’ve herd from the two remaining ponies, so now it’s time for the most important vote of all: the election for Prime Minister of Equestria. Or the vote to decide the winner of a reality show. Whichever’s more important to you ponially.”

And so after all that Withstander stuff which happened over a period of like three weeks and an agonisingly long wait lasting from whenever the first Withstander episode aired to December, it was time to reveal the winner.

“Welcome to the Withstander winner vote reveal!” Pinkie said. “As you know but I feel like telling you anyway, Applejack and Big Mac, see how nice and shaven they look now? They look so different. Wait, aren’t we ponies? Maybe I shouldn’t’ve eaten that free mushroom. Uh, anyway, they’re here because they’re really good at stuff Withstander has like swimming and convincing everypony to join their alliance then ultimately betraying them, which the ponies they were convincing were also planning to do, but they executed it betterly. But before we get to the vote, I’m going to ask them what the hardest part of the game was. So, what was the hardest part of the game?”

“The challenges were challenging,” Big Mac said.

“Ah missed Rainbow,” Applejack said.

“Well, we’ve done the filler,” Pinkie said, “So now it’s time for the vote reveal!”

Applause ensued as Pinkie walked from in front of some chairs to behind the vote receptacle.

“Whoever gets the most votes wins,” Pinkie said. “I know. So let’s do this thang.”

She took the lid off to more applause, then read the first vote:

“Applejack.”

The applause drowned out someone dropping a block of fudge on the floor.

“Big Mac.”

The applause drowned out the sound of a generic insect walking outside the building.

“Applejack.”

The applause was so loud that the pony in seat E8-13 literally went deaf.

“Winner of Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Applejack.”

The applause caused the temporary deafness of three ponies.

“Colon D!” Applejack said, literally jumping out of her chair onto the stage. “Ah’d lahke to thank the four ponies who voted for me, ‘cause they’re awesome. That’s pretty much all Ah’d lahke to do, though.”

“Wiiiii L,” Surprise’s twin sister said, “That’s all for this season of Withstander. But if we get kept on for another series, be sure to join us for said series! Either way, we hope you enjoyed...”

“WITHSTANDER: CORVIDAE ISLANDS!” everyone in the building except for the ponies who had recently gone deaf said.

Chapter 156: I Suck At Titles, Summary Better

There are a lot of questions you have to repeatedly ask yourself in life. Are you happy? Are you satisfied? How long can you stand the heat? Some smartarses like to ask “How hot is said heat?”, even though it’s, you know, a fucking metaphor. And they know it’s a metaphor, too. If they didn’t, then they’d be dumbarses taking a metaphor literally. Like those idiots who take that section of that holy book which you think is metaphorical literally. Morons. Anyway, most peoples’ answers to these questions are yes, yes, and yes, even though the real answers are usually yes/yes/no. Some might answer no to the first two even though the answers are yes. People with bad lives, by contrast, will often answer no to the first two because it’s the correct answer. Of course, this all assumes someone’s going around asking a bunch of people those three questions, which would be weird. What meaningful data would they collect? You know, I hate it when people treat “data” like a singular noun. So nothing’s going on, but the first half of Jingle Bell Rock, looping after “one-horse sleigh”, was playing from the ceiling.

“Octavia?” Lyra said, lying up on the television-facing couch, holding Octavia with one leg and petting her with the other.

“Yes?”

“I have a question.”

“I don’t know whether the television has picture-in-picture and, if so, how to activate it.”

“It’s not about that. I was just thinking about a line from the song.”

“What?”

“I keep thinking about ‘one-horse sleigh’, because... well... what’s a horse?”

“...I don’t know.”

“You should ask Twilight.”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“Because you’re part of the mane six.”

“Fair enough. I’ll ask her after the chapter.”

“That reminds me,” Rainbow said on Twilight’s television-facing couch, “AJ never got back to me about the Big Mac virgin thing!”

“Kritt,” Spike bit a tortilla chip.

“I bet somepony’s going to use that as evidence for Spikedash,” Lyra said.

“Somepony will try to use that as evidence for Spikedash.”

“Did you say something vaguely humourous?”

“I... suppose I did, why?”

“But you hate fun.”

“I ‘hate fun’?”

“Well, that’s why I like you. You’re so serious without acting all Filthy Richy or abrasive. I know it’s an insult the way I phrase it, but it’s a good way to describe it.”

“What about ‘serious without being snooty or abrasive’?”

“That’s not brief.”

“You’re not insulting your girlfriend that way.”

“...It’s not brief.”

“It’s not impractically long or awkward. You could use it.”

“I know, I’m just trying to win the argument.”

Lyra stopped petting Octavia from her leg getting tired.

“Arguments aren’t supposed to be about winning.”

“They are, though.”

Octavia didn’t say anything.

“What?”

“It’s just that I don’t know what to say to that.”

“That’s when you use ‘lol’.”

“Can you imagine me saying that?”

“No.”

“So see?”

“I guess you’re right. Hey, is that the show?”

It was indeed the show, causing Lyra to unmute the television.

“Total Recall will return shortly.” Total Recall was, incidentally, a documentary about the 2005 Equestrian peanut butter salmonella outbreak.

“Sad emoticon,” Lyra said. “What do we talk about now?”

“I don’t know.”

Lyra hugged Octavia and pulled her closer, which was quite close seeing as she could already hug her.

“Is there something you want to tell me?” Octavia said.

“I love you.”

Octavia hugged Lyra. Or as you’d say in an OVS language, a less fucked-up language to learn need I. “I love you too.”

“You’re the best pony in the world and I’ll love you for the rest of time.”

“That’s what you thought—”

“Why do you always have to bring up Bon Bon?”

“Well, it’s a legitimate point. You don’t know we’ll be together forever.”

“This is different, though, because I didn’t settle for you. I didn’t think, you know, ‘I want love, I’ll take you’, I thought ‘I want you, I’ll... take... love’... um, I don’t know if that makes any sense.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Okay.”

Since Lyra and Octavia stopped saying stuff, Applejack and whoever she talked with got some screen time.

“You’re watchin’ hoofellipsoid?” Applejack said to Big Mac, who was lying on a television-facing couch watching hoofellipsoid. He was watching it, not the couch.

“So?”

“So bah watchin’ hoofellipsoid, you’re perpetuatin’ male stereotypes.”

“I disagree.”

“Ah disagree.”

“Then we’re on the same page.”

“No, Ah disagree with you.”

“I don’t care.”

“You can’t just not care when somepony disagrees with ya!”

“Why not?”

“‘Cause then they maht stay wrong!”

“How many ponies have you convinced to be right?”

“About... none.”

Big Mac didn’t respond.

“Ah’m a morahn.”

“No, you’re not.”

“But... okay, even if Ah’m smart, then Ah at least need somepony to soppily tell me it’s okay.”

“Come here.”

Applejack came there and they hugged. It made her feel calmed down even though she was already calm.

“You feel better?” Big Mac said.

“Yeah. And so you know, Ah have every intention ah turnin’ this into sex.”

“Right here?”

“Yeah.”

“When there’s a sport going on?”

“It’s just hoofellipsoid.”

“Well...” the 44–3 score wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world. “Okay.”

Applejack planted a kiss on Big Mac’s mouth. Over ninety years, it grew to be tall enough that it blended in with the rest of the kisses in the forest. It took ninety years, but it was worth it for people to eventually not notice it and say “hey, that’s a pretty short kiss”. After ninety hard years, constantly photosynthesising as hard as it could, it didn’t have to perpetually feel ridiculed, and it could finally be what it always wanted to be and not just “that short one”. Then it got deforested for a soybean farm.

Apple Bloom came down. “Hey, AJ, Ah need ta—” she saw they were snogging. “Whah does this need ta be a thing...?”

Chapter 157: Bon Bon is in a Bad Mood

Eight o’ clock sharp. Ow, fuck, that is sharp. Fuck, that hurts, it’s like a fucking paper cut. Hey, can you take over, transcriber #1? Yeah, I know I could just talk to you instead of telling you like this, but this is more fun. So can you? Thanks. Lyra came into Bon Bon’s Sweet Shop. Bon Bon was behind the counter, polishing it like a bartender.

“Hello,” Bon Bon said.

“Hi. Anything new?”

“I still haven’t gotten over the time you made me cry.”

“It’s been years—”

“No, the recent one.”

“Oh. Do you feel like giving me a speech?”

“Yes. I understand why you left me, though. If you left for somepony you didn’t have to tell yourself you loved, that’s good for you.”

“You’re not very subtle at this.”

“It’s just that I never felt that way about you.”

“At the time, I thought....”

“Yes, I know you tricked yourself into thinking you loved me.”

“I can tell you what—”

“You tricked me too.”

“I can—”

“There’s nothing you could say. I hate you.”

“But you still loved me last night.”

“I hate you.”

“You were on the floor begging for—”

“That was the past. Now I hate you.”

“If you just let me tell you what I think, maybe we can be friends again.”

“Fine. I’ll hear your case.”

“Thank you.” She went behind the counter. “Hey, should the door be locked?”

“We’re both here. It’ll be fine.”

“We’re not officially open, though....”

“It’ll be fine.”

“Okay. It’s your place. So when I first met you, it wasn’t like you were the first pony I ever met in my adult life or anything, so it wasn’t like that. But you were, not trying to insult anypony, much better than any of my other friends. You were always—”

“I know how we fell in love. Why do you feel like you settled for me?”

“Well, it’s just because you didn’t, I guess, feel absolutely perfect like Octavia does. You were just my best friend by a large margin once I stopped making friends. Still, it wasn’t just that, you did have something special about you... I guess the normal mystical love feeling most ponies have for ponies they love. I don’t know how much I actually felt that way and how much I just told myself that since I wanted somepony I loved, but you know what happened, you made your dramatic Valentine’s love confession and I loved you too and we got together.... So then I told you about the money and you offered me the job, so—”

“I already know all of this.”

“Well, I’m trying to exposit for the show, so shut up, please. So as you know, I took the job, then you said that I should move in with you, and I sort of thought I wasn’t getting enough of you either, so that happened especially since what you had was better than that terrible little flat. But all of this that happened strengthened the idea that I was with you and we were inseparable and my life would collapse without you.... Which was true, I don’t know what I would’ve done if it wasn’t for you, especially after I moved in.

“So that helped the idea that I really loved you too, just the mentality I had that we were going through life together. As we got to know each other really well, though, I realised that I didn’t love every single detail about you like I initially thought I did, but I just told myself that that was because nopony’s perfect and, again, I felt like I wanted to be with somepony. Besides, I still really liked even if I didn’t love you, and I still probably needed you for stability in my life, so I kept with it....”

“If you had doubts, why didn’t you just tell me? I would’ve been sad for a while, sure, but we could’ve just been friends living together. That would’ve worked.”

“Like I said, I still thought I loved you. Maybe really deep in the back of my mind I thought you weren’t the storybook perfect pony for me, but I didn’t give that much concentrated thought, and even when I did think about it, there was always the ‘this is real life and nopony’s perfect’ thing.

“So I wasn’t constantly thinking about it. We were in love and, I know I keep saying this but it was a major thing, going through life together, and that’s how things were and there wasn’t any reason to question it since most of the time, you were great. There was no one huge moment or thing about you to make me think that hey, I should reconsider whether or not I really love you.

“Then came the time when we decided to first have sex.... That really helped to reinforce the ideas I already had. I won’t repeat the ideas again, but you get what I’m saying. So I was really happy being around you and all that, that’s how it was until you started getting a little more rude.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I ever got like that....”

“Does that mean we’re even and I can stop explaining?”

“No.”

“So that’s what really opened my eyes and made me think more about the whole imperfection thing. Now it wasn’t even small things that rarely came up, it was medium things that frequently came up. It made me look back on the earlier times more, really think about it, and realise that you were never really perfect in the first place and I just needed somepony.”

“Okay, that was all very melodramatic, but I still feel mad at you.”

“That’s what I expected. Not that I’m saying I deserve better, but that’s how I thought you’d react.”

Then a gamma-ray burst hit Hasbro and everyone died. Wait, no, that was Benetton.

“What if I reacted by glassing you with that glass that just mysteriously appeared?”

“Then that would a bit of an—hey, it’s gone!”

“What? Hey, you’re right!”

“That was weird.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway, I’m sorry I actually settled for you this entire time.”

“We’re still not friends.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I’m glad you’re sad.”

“That’s mean.”

“Well, you were subconsciously settling for me for years.”

“Fine.”

And so they did sweet shop stuff. A lot of things happened during that time, but none of them were interesting. Things did happen when she went back to Octavia’s house. Though I don’t know the date, the time was 88:88 according to the analogue clock set up on a wall.

“Hello,” Octavia said.

“Hello, my love.”

“What do you mean? You’re not Lyra.”

“I’m not?”

“You aren’t.”

“But then who am I?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”

“I really thought I was... I mean... I remember the time on the romantic canal-facing bench.”

“It was facing away from the canal.”

“But... no. That’s wrong!” She clutched her head and fell on the stone path, which added a broken tooth to her worries. “I remember it!”

“I am the pony you’re thinking of, aren’t I? Octavia?”

“Yes. I just... I’m Lyra.”

“You can’t be her.”

“But... I am.”

“You do look a lot like her except that your fur is white.”

“What?” She looked at her leg. “But... holy Faust....”

“Why did you—” Octavia stepped back after she made an expanding sphere of magic. Mostly out of shock, Octavia couldn’t think of anything to say or do, and when she finished the spell, the white pony died of heart implosion. “Are you okay?”

She went to her phone, which was really big and on a weird stand, and called the police.

“PPD, how may I help you?”

“I think a mare just killed herself on my doorstep.”

“We’ll get a policepony out on that.”

“Thank you.”

She continued reading Generic Mediocre Obscure Novel until she heard a car pulling up to her house, a sound she only recognised from television. She went to the door and pre-opened it for the arrival of the policepony.

“Now I understand what they meant by ‘body at the doorstep’,” the policepony said. “So are you sure it wasn’t you?”

“Yes.”

He turned the body over. “Yep, looks like a case of suicide by magic to me. I’ll take her to the hospital. You will be informed of any further details.”

“Okay.”

“I know this is a scary time for you. Don’t worry. It’ll be all right.”

“I never said—”

“It’s okay. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I don’t feel—”

“I have to go now. Bye-bye.”

“Goodbye....”

He dragged the body back to the police rally car, put it in the passenger seat, and drove for the hospital. Octavia went back to her book.

A few hours later, another pony who looked like Lyra knocked the door. It was Lyra.

“Hello,” Octavia said.

“Hello, my love.” She came in and put her business fedora on the hatrack.

“How was your day at the sweet shop?”

“I felt guilty about my relationship with Bon Bon some more.”

“They aired it today, I saw. I have a question related to that.”

“Yes?”

“I’m a little concerned about the ‘perfection’ idea you had.”

“What about it?”

“Is it supposed to mean that if a pony has one personality trait slightly tweaked the wrong way or talks in slightly the wrong wording in one phrase, then you can never possibly be in love with them, and if you think you are then you’re just foaling yourself because you want love?”

“Yes.”

“Then I don’t know what to say. Part of me says I shouldn’t judge ponies based upon their love criteria—as long as the criteria aren’t racist or anything, but you know what I mean—but another part of me says that you’re being ridiculous.”

“So now I have to explain stuff to you.”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to the bedroom and hating myself. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Chapter 158: Mobile Lemon Shavings

Applejack answered her door. “Hi, Rainbow!”

“Hey, AJ. You called me, I didn’t have anything to do, and I was kinda horny, so there you go.”

“You never ‘ave anythin’ to do.”

“You know that I do flying stuff. Don’t tell me you’re one of those ponies who thinks that sports stuff isn't a real job.”

“Ah didn’t mean it literally. Ah know it takes work an’ dedication an’ stuff.”

“It’s okay.” Which sucked, because the conversation stopped. “So....”

“So?”

“So I want you to tie me up.”

“With hooves?”

“You’ve done it a bunch of times before.”

“Yeah, Ah know. Just get on the bed.”

Rainbow obliged. Applejack got the rope from the wardrobe and put it on the bed. “I promise I won’t move my head around a bunch this time,” Rainbow said.

“What about—”

“I won’t spread my wings either.”

Applejack was quite reliable at tying things by now, averaging 2.6 tries per knot in the last sixty knots. Knot bad if you ask me. “So you won that flahin’ tahtle?”

“I won every race except the one I crashed in and the one I couldn’t be in ‘cause of the broken leg from the crash.”

“Ah remember... fuckin’ hooves. Ah remember seein’ that. The lower half ah your leg breakin’ inta nothin’ looks pretty painful.”

“It is. So, um, about winning, I have something really sad to tell you. Should you know after we have sex?”

“We ain’ ‘avin’ sex.”

“What?”

“Ah ain’t horny, Ah just wanna hang out. Ah’m foalnappin’ ya here until Ah’ve had as much ah you as Ah want.”

“Well, I’m sorry I have a life outside of bein’ your sex slave.”

“It’s okay. So feel free ta... fuckin’ hooves. To tell me about the sad thing.”

“Well, I haven’t got the call from any of the teams yet, but since I won, I should be moving up to a new series....”

“That’s bad?”

“Well, the higher levels are serious professional things, I can’t just show up for a weekend and do whatever, I have to be with the team and stuff, so....”

Applejack stood up from kneeling on the floor. Which arguably is more standing up than normal, but you get the point. “So Ah won’t see ya?”

“In the first half of the year when they have the races on this continent, I’ll be able to drop by often enough, but from July to October, I’ll pretty much be gone.”

“Ah was a fuckin’ wreck after a couple ah weeks, what’m Ah supposed to do for four months?”

“I dunno... a lot of ponies’ve gone through it, you’ll be fine, right?”

“It’s just... are you really gonna have more fun with your flahin’ than you would with me?”

“Well....”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Yeah.”

“How could you leave me for somethin’ lahke that?”

“It’s what every sports pony does, it isn’t some massive immoral betrayal. How lame would it be if some bright young sports hope stayed at home with their loved ones instead ah doin’ shit?”

“Well... okay, but you’re still a dick.”

“You knew this could happen going into the relationship.”

“Yeah, you don’t think about that sorta shit when you’re hah on a love confession. Ah don’t think ah you as a racin’ flaher Ah love, Ah think ah you as Rainbow Dash.”

“You’re being selfish.”

“You’re bein’ selfish.”

“I’m having a life and you’re liking it.”

“Fahne. Ah’ll enjoy ya whilst you’re here.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Once you leave, then Ah’ll get sad.”

“Sounds good. Do you still love me?”

“You’ll hafta beg a lot, but yeah.”

“But you’re the crazy one in the argument.”

“Do you not wanna beg?”

“Okay.”

Applejack continued tying her up. Before Rainbow would beg for her love, whenever she planned to do that, she was going to beg for sex, right after Applejack finished tying her. Which was in a few more seconds. Almost right now.

“Fuckin’ hooves,” Applejack said.

Okay, so it’ll be a few more seconds. But not very long.

“There. So what do you wanna talk about?”

“Can we please have sex?”

“No.” She turned the computer chair to face the bed and sat in it with her hooves together on her lap. “How’ve you been lately?”

“Great. After a year of mediocrity and a year of ‘y’know, this foal’s got potential, she just needs to mature a bit’, I won my flying championship I’m in a few weeks ago and finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend what it probably means for our relationship.”

“What’d she say?”

“She’s pissed, but I think she understands. She isn’t so selfish that she wants me to give up my career just so she can fuck me more often.”

“Ah see. Look, Ah said Ah wouldn’t have sex with you already, but seein’ you lahke that is really makin’ me horny.”

“So you’re fucking me?”

“Ah’m gonna clop.”

Applejack clopped and Rainbow watched her. Some of her cum got onto the wooden floor, which could be hard to clean so let’s hope the best for that. She did something to give the sentence two fragments and got off the chair.

“Whatcha feel lahke?”

“That’s a terrible rendition ah my accident.”

“You’re Rainbow Dash.”

“Actually, you’re Rainbow Dash.”

“Who’re you talkin’ ta?”

“Rainbow Dash.”

“Y’know that ya can’t keep this up forever.”

“Keep what up?”

“♥.”

“Fuck.”

“Whatcha feel lahke?”

“Sex.”

“‘Kay.”

She rubbed her genitalia against her body part and it felt good.

“That felt good,” Rainbow said.

“It was good, but Ah wish you were more distressed.”

“Don’t hurt me.”

“That doesn’t feel very real.”

“So what are you gonna do? Walk out and come back in hoping I’ll act helplesser?”

“Maybe Ah will.”

Applejack walked out, counted to four, and went back in.

“Let me go,” Rainbow said in a moderately meek voice.

“Whah would Ah do that raht after Ah just foalnapped ya?”

“It was worth asking.”

“Raht. Anyway, Ah’m makin’ you cum an’ you’re gonna lahke it.”

“Wait, are you a stranger or are you you?”

“An’ we need a safeword.”

“So what do we do?”

“Ah dunno. Wanna just not do a bondage RP?”

“We could do a bondage non-RP. That’s what I was thinking of originally anyway.”

“‘Kay. What about the safeword thing?”

“Maybe ‘fuck’ or ‘no’ or ‘AJ’.”

“Seriously.”

“Turbine.”

“‘Kay. You ready?”

“Yeah.”

“Where’m Ah gonna be on the bed?”

“I dunno, you can just go on the end.”

“‘Kay.”

Applejack kneeled on the foot end of the bed and commenced eating her out.

“Um, AJ?”

She raised up her head. “What?”

“Could you—”

“You’re the one in bondage.”

“Fine.”

Applejack continued. Not much happened for a minute.

“AJ?” Rainbow said after exactly one minute.

She raised her head again. “What?”

“This is getting boring.”

“Don’ complain or Ah’ll tape ya too.”

“So I came up with ‘turbine’ for nothing?”

“Don’t talk an’ you don’ hafta worry about it.”

“So whatever happens, I’m not allowed to talk.”

“That’s right.”

“I love you.”

“We're gonna 69. Y’know, Ah wish there was a name for that that didn’t sound so Urban Dictionary.”

“lol”

Applejack got on top of her and, to be poetic, the sex began. Applejack derived pleasure from the sensations she was experiencing from Rainbow eating her out, as well as doing the same to her even if the first was really more important, whilst Rainbow was enjoying Applejack’s genitalia in her face and being vaguely forced to eat her out, as well as the genital stimulation Applejack was giving her even if the first was really more important.

“Ah neh,” Applejack tried to simultaneously talk and perform cunnilingus.

Rainbow figured the best thing to do was to completely ignore her, only to find almost immediately that she was trying to announce an orgasm. She drank all of the ejaculate, probably thinking about how good it tasted or something.

“Mwm,” Rainbow said.

“What?”

“Can you work more on—”

“No.”

“But I wanna—”

“No.”

The same paragraph happened again.

“Mwm,” Rainbow said.

“What?” Applejack said.

“Please?”

Applejack got off the bed. “You’re the slave, you don’t tell me to do stuff.”

“It was worth a shot.”

Applejack took a few seconds to admire her. “You’re so hot in bondage. Ah mean, you’re the hottest pony ever anyway, but... well, not that Ah’d want every tahme Ah had sex with you to be with you in bondage. Wait, Ah guess Ah usually do.”

“Thanks?”

“Jus’ givin’ mah opinion when nopony asked for it. Anyway, Ah’m gonna whip you now.”

“I don’t feel like it.”

“Too bad.”

Applejack went to the wardrobe again, took just one of its one whips, and finally got rid of her hat, in both senses of “finally”. I forgot about it too.

“You ready for somethin’ dramatic-soundin’?” Applejack said.

“No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’?”

“I mean no.”

“But....”

“No.”

“Then do you have an ahdea?”

“I wanna cum.”

“Fahne.”

Applejack licked Rainbow Dash right in the clitoris for a minute or two, eventually causing Rainbow to orgasm. I know you’re wondering what Rainbow said during said licking, but it was all “oh fuck”, “yes”, and stuff like that. The real juicy stuff was the cider Big Mac was drinking.

“What about now?” Applejack said.

“You mean the whipping? I already said no.”

“Whah can’t you feel lahke it?”

“What are you gonna do, laser surge my brain so I do?”

“No, but... Ah jus’ really wanna whip you. An’ you actually don’ want it so it’s lahke actual rape. It’d be so hot, but Ah can’t do it ‘cause morality.”

“You’re better than Twilight....”

“Yeah, but that’s different.”

“She still forces me to have sex, whereas you don’t.”

“Ah guess.”

“lol”

“lol”

“lol”

“Ah’m undoin’ the bondage.”

“That was a quick turnaround.”

“Yeah, well, the whole ‘kidnap an’/or rape ponies ‘cause you love ‘em’ thing... meh.”

“Then why’d you do it in the first place?”

“You wanted me to tah you up an’ do somethin’ evil to ya.”

“Okay... keep me like this, though, I like it.”

“Then we talk.”

“About?”

“We jus’ talk. Ah don’t feel lahke we’ve done anythin’ for a whahle ‘cept have sex.”

“We can’t just talk artificially. There has to be some reason for it. Like when you spend the first ninety per cent of a phonecall talking about something completely irrelevant to what the call is about.”

“Well, we can’t agree on what sorta sex to do, so what are you gonna do?”

“I’ll sleep somewhere else just to make you angry.”

“Please don’t.”

“Why can’t I? Besides the fact that I’m bondaged?”

“‘Cause Ah want company.”

“So to make you feel not lonely?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re my primary girlfriend, so that sounds good. But... just talk. For no reason.”

“Lahke Ah said, we can’ agree on the sex.”

“But I don’t care about this soppy talkin’ stuff.”

“You already said you would do it.”

“Well, look, let’s back up a bit, here’s the problem. I’ll do anything for you, which is staying here so you’re not bored, but you’ll do anything for me, which is letting me leave. So one of us has to be selfish or nothing will get done.”

“But we’re both doin’ the selfish option raht now.”

“Then one of us needs to be not selfish, and since Applejack is less self-important than Rainbow Dash, I should be allowed to leave.”

“Y’know what? If you wanna be away from me so much, then fahne. Just go.”

“Thank you.” Applejack didn’t do anything. “You wanna let me go?”

“You thought Ah was actually gonna do it.”

“Well, yeah....”

“Nope. You’re stayin’ ‘ere. Overnaht.”

“What if I need the toilet or something?”

“Okay, but if you don’t come back here, Ah’m gonna do the same thing next tahme you come but without lettin’ you go.”

“Don’t worry.”

Applejack got on the bed and hugged her. “So what’s new?”

“I told ya. What’s new with you?”

“Nothin’’s really changed.”

“I’m bored.”

“Fahne. You still ain’t leavin’, though.”

They snogged.

Chapter 159: Pinkie Pie Goes on Another Adventure

“You know what?” Pinkie said to nobody in particular. “Sugarcube Corner’s recorded losses for the past two months and it doesn’t look like it’s turning around. Wait, ‘recorded losses’? I’m Pinkie Pie, I don’t say stuff like that. What’s happening to me?! The same thing that’s been happening to everypony in Ponyville for the past two years? Seriously, everypony’s the same now. Um, yeah, we’re losing money. The Cakes are losing money. But I don’t know what to do. What else would I be good at? I can bake... and bake... and save the world... bake... but there’s no demand for world saviours at the momen—at the moment? I’m Pinkie Pie! What the cruddy fuck is wrong with me? But I should be able to find another baking job. There’s a combination bakery/flat just... you know... over... well, I could always live separately. I should be able to find another job, though. I mean, I’m pretty marketable outside of Ponyville. They’d be like “Hey, one of our pastry chefs is one of those six ponies who saved the world!”. That’d draw ponies in. And I’m sure they’d pay me enough. I’m pretty—yeah, we went over that. Not meaning they’d like me because I’m pretty. Am I pretty? That reminds me, I haven’t convinced myself that I don’t love Rainbow Dash. There needs to be something about her that annoys me. No there doesn’t, I like everypony, I’m Pinkie Pie. There has to be a warm, fuzzy, special feeling like with Zecora. Um, anyway, I should do a walky chapter again since... I... well, because it’s lighter out than last time, so I’ll actually make it. Right, camerapony #1?”

“It’s winter solstice.”

“Well, shut up.”

And so she set off for potentially perilous adventure, but most likely not perilous. I mean, when you’re going to the Price✓Rong, do you expect to get ambushed by bears along the way? That’s what it would be like. But as she was peacefully walking in some normal forest path land with nothing obvious to worry about, a crazy mare jumped at her from behind a bush.

“RA—” was all a now on the ground Pinkie could say before being hit in the head eight times with a pipe.

Pinkie Pie woke up in the boot of a currently moving car, mutetaped with both sets of hooves duct taped together. She instinctively banged on the door like it was going to open, then realised that revealing her awakeness was probably a bad idea.

“Are we there yet?” a filly said.

“We’re pretty close,” said a stallion who sounded a little hoarse.

Right then and there, Pinkie Pie realised the truth and accepted Brian Goldner as her lord and saviour. Okay, not really. What really happened was a bump so bad that she got thrown into the boot’s ceiling and knocked out again.

The next time she woke up, she was bondaged to a bed in a bedroom featuring a door, a window, beautiful mahogany flooring, and other things but they’re not important to the plot. Also important to the plot was the same mare from before, named Mary, standing next to her.

“Is she...” Mary mumbled. “Are you awake?” she didn’t mumble.

“Um... no....”

“You’re lying, aren’t you?”

“I’m always lying.”

“Can’t you choose a less cliché paradox?”

“I’m too asleep for that.”

“I’m getting him whether you’re asleep or not.”

Mary left the room.

“Is this the kind of thing I’d go through every day if you had a car?” Rainbow said to Twilight, who was holding her on the couch.

“Why would I need a car?”

“Answer my question.”

“Seriously, can you imagine me driving? Like, you driving is okay, but me? That looks weird.”

“Answer my question.”

“No.”

“Answer the fu—”

“My answer’s no.”

“Oh.” Twilight didn’t say anything. “I’m sorry.”

Twilight held her more tightly in response.

“I don’t feel like it.”

Twilight slid her hoof up to the back of Rainbow’s head.

“I don’t feel like it.”

Twilight forced her into a kiss anyway and was almost immediately pushed away, cartoonily falling to laid downness on the couch.

“What’s your problem?” Twilight said.

“Don’t rape me.”

“I wan’t gonna.”

“Rape in the any kind of sexual assault sense.”

“You never mind when Applejack rapes you.”

“Yeah, but that’s diff—”

Twilight laid back up. “It’s a double standard and it’s more evidence that you only like her more than me because you think she’s hot.”

“Twilight, you know that’s not true.”

“I know, but hope if I tell myself hard enough, then I’ll believe it.”

“Is this gonna be a joke about religion?”

“Yep.”

“You can fuck me as violently as you want after the show, okay?”

“I’ll be patient.”

“Feh,” said a policepony who was part of the police force of the town Pinkie was in through a mouthful of doughnut, “Fid wi do smfn but Finki Buh?”

“Fe’ll b fwinn,” another policepony said through a mouthful of doughnut.

Meanwhile during the commercial break, Pinkie had one of those times where you freak out about global warming or peak oil for a few seconds then go back to thinking about whether you remembered to put that connection on your love quiver.

A stallion came through the door of the room of Pinkie of Pie. He was grey with a somewhat feminine, long, dark grey mane, the kind of manestyle you might see on a stereotypical noble cavalry knight storybook hero. If you were on Earth or a dragon. Cavalry isn’t a very common theme in quadruped-produced works, obviously.

“The name’s Rapy McFoalnap,” he said. He kicked the door closed behind him.

“Is that your pre- or post-cutie mark name? Either way, it doesn’t really make sense. Unless that’s what the cucumber of your cutie mark is about.”

“It’s zucchini, and it’s about farming.”

“Sorry. So can you let me go and then you won’t have to be arrested and I won’t have to be traumatised and pregnant?”

“Act more distressed.”

“I’m Pinkie Pie.”

“Act more distressed.”

Pinkie Pie tried for a few seconds to do fake tears, but it didn’t work. There were plenty of sad things to get distressed about—Zecora, starving ponies in Afrinstar, the probability that she was going to be raped in the next several minutes—but she was Pinkie Pie, and nothing would get her down.

“Please don’t hurt me,” she settled for.

He put his hooves on her forelegs and stared at her to seem intimidating, seemingly forgetting the point I just made in the previous paragraph. “You’ll have to do better than that if you don’t want me to—”

Someone knocked the front door.

“I’ll get it.”

He went down, or more like forwards, to the door and opened it to see an angry-looking Fluttershy, who was holding a piece of cardstock. She swung the cardstock to give him a really bad paper cut in his leg, to which he responded by putting his hoof over the wound and falling over in pain. Fluttershy flew into the hallway of the room shaped like a T with a really wide horizontal part and began randomly opening doors until she found the bedroom Pinkie was in.

“Fluttershy?!” Pinkie said.

Fluttershy dropped the cardstock and started to undo Pinkie, having the right hooves left to do when Mary came through the door. She turned around and picked up the cardstock.

“Why are you holding that piece of paper so threateningly?” Mary said. “It’s paper.”

Fluttershy gave the answer, causing Mary to say “Oh fff...”, put her hoof over the wound, and fall over in pain. Fluttershy did the last two with even more implied haste than before and Pinkie got up on the floor.

“What about the foal?” Pinkie said.

“Come on.”

They ran outside the room, hilariously trampling Mary, but running into a standing up and front door-guarding Rapy. He took so long to decide who to attack that Pinkie made the first move, an uppercut that left him with an at least dislocated lower jaw, causing him to fall over in pain. They ran outside and went two metres away from the front door.

“What about the foal?” Pinkie said.

“She’s, um... well....”

“Yeah?”

“She’s dead.”

“Do you know for sure? Maybe she looked dead to you, but do you know?”

“She was decapitated.”

Pinkie looked around for a few seconds. The place was one of those dozen houses between some farmland towns.

“Do you know where we are?” she said.

“We’re about thirty kilometres south of Ponyville.”

“How’d you find me?”

“There was a graphic on the telly.”

“And nopony else cared enough to rescue me?”

“What would you have done if you saw me in that situation?”

Pinkie looked downward. “...I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t think badly of yourself. Everypony else—”

“I know what everypony else would do. You rescued me and I wouldn’t’ve done anything.”

“I’m a special case—”

“I know, it’s not their job, nopony else, blah. I’m just sorry, okay?”

“But it’s not a normal thing to—”

“Sorry.”

“You’re not expected—”

“Sorry.”

The 18:85 light, or lack thereof, was all that accompanied the silence.

“Can you see okay?” Fluttershy said.

“Yeah.”

“I remember I came from that way, so... should we start walking back? Call poli—”

Rapy opened the door, holding the cardstock in his mouth, reducing their immediate options to either run or run. They chose run. It was a short chase, however, with Rapy slipping on some ice in his first ten metres, his quadrupedness not being of any use as he fell to the ground and stayed there. They slowed to undramatic walking pace.

“It’ll probably be past three before we get to Ponyville,” Fluttershy said at an unspecified distance along the road. “Where will we sleep?”

“We saved the world, I’m sure ponies’ll give us stuff.”

“I think we’re too near Ponyville for that.”

“Do you know what towns this road goes through?”

“No.”

“‘Kay. Should we call police or something? Or, you know, go over to police and tell them?”

“I’m too worried about them chasing us. Not the police, the... you know. Besides, these things happen all the time and they get sorted out, right?”

“I just feel like....”

“I know, me too, but I’m worried.”

“Maybe she has a point,” some policepony said. “I should go out there and do police stuff.”

Many policeponies had this mentality, and within minutes police stuff was going well at the house that’s no longer important.

“Should we sleep or should we just try to stay up?” Pinkie said.

“I don’t know. I guess we should try to stay up as long as we can, but if you have a reason to sleep, then....”

“What if we fall asleep in some ditch, though? Anything could happen to us.”

“I guess we’ll just have to take that chance.”

Due to the darkness, Pinkie fell off a steep slope and broke her neck, dying in under two minutes. No, not really. Exactly an hour later, this conversation happened.

“You feel okay?” Pinkie Pie said.

“We can keep going.”

They pressed on past a couple more pathetically small towns, passing by Pitjantjatjara’s Flower Shop without fainting in their tracks at the low, low prices. Pitjantjatjara’s Flower Shop: it has really low prices.

“You feel okay?” Pinkie Pie said.

“We can keep going.”

A couple more hours of nothing later, they came up to a sudden one-metre drop. They looked at each other sleepily.

“What you lookin’ me that like?” Pinkie said, sounding slightly drunk.

“Why you... looking... me....”

“We’re gonna... fall slope... break... neck....”

They both fell asleep.

They woke up on Twilight’s bunkbed, Fluttershy on the top bunk and Pinkie on the bottom one. Not that they woke up at the exact same time, Fluttershy got up first.

“I’m at Twilight’s?” she thought in words. “Thank Faust....”

She got out of the bed and out of the bedroom. Spike was standing right outside the bedroom doing nothing.

“Hello, Spike,” Fluttershy acknowledged his existence.

“Hi. I’ll get Twilight.”

“Okay.”

Ten thousand years later, what was formerly Ponyville was now an archeological dig site in a barren, slightly snowy tundra.

“Ma,” a stallion wearing some pretty standard wintry clothes said, “Bidda hereme.”

A mare wearing some pretty standard wintry clothes, except for her hat which had a propeller on top, came over there. “Quhm?”

“Glard tiso.” He held up a triangle of clay that was coloured stereotypical clay orange.

“odm!”

“Quhm cogu?”

“Seeta!”

Wait, um, that’s a little too far forward. So Twilight came into that room with the books.

“Hi, Fluttershy.”

“Hello... Spike told me he was ‘getting you’, so....”

“Well, I’m glad to see you’re alive, obviously. You feel okay?”

“I feel fine.”

“How’s Pinkie Pie?”

“She’s still asleep, but she’s breathing, and I only looked at her for a moment but I don’t think she’s hurt.”

“I’ll take a closer look at her.”

“What if you wake her up?”

“I won’t because magic.”

Twilight went up to the bedroom, Fluttershy following her because it felt right. Twilight then stared at Pinkie Pie for a moment, rolled her over, and stared at her a bit more.

“Yeah, she’s fine,” Twilight said.

“That’s good.”

“Really?”

“Don’t be sarcastic, bad things happened too recently.”

Eventually, Pinkie woke up, but it wasn’t as interesting. But what was as interesting was what I had for dinner. Get it? Dinner? Anyway, nothing happened. Wait!

“How did you find us?” Fluttershy said.

“I recognised where you were from an epic adventure I had once.”

Okay, that’s it.

Chapter 15X: ‘012 Faustmas SpeciaI

‘Twas old Faustmas Eve in Twilight’s treehouse;

No sounds were sounding but the click of a mouse.

She was feeling, as Pinkie might say, 4lorn,

And so she was looking at a site full of corn.

The setup was basic, just albums and filters,

But Zecora was working on some crazy new philters.

“Philters...” she muttered, “Doesn’t actually rhyme. But they’ll be too distracted since, hey, Faustmas time. That’s what I’m hoping will take place, anyway. No, no, they won’t like crap just for Faustmas Day.”

She really felt like doing something, but all there was to do was waiting for things to cook.

“I’m making these things for science, I swear. I would never do anything to such a nice mare. But I’m sure she’s not paranoid, she’s that kind of pony. My time on this show is sponsored by Sony.”

At Sweet Apple Acres, where the Apples had dwelt—

Oh Faust, let’s go back to anything else.

I was about to tell you how long that barn was around,

But the paper was eaten by a vicious greyhound.

Big Mac and Applejack were having sex, as well,

But that’s not what I mea—he’s back up, oh hell.

“And then the poem ends,” Rainbow Dash said whilst existing at Sugarcube Corner.

“That poem ending is a great reason for you—” Pinkie Pie said.

“I already bought a cupcake, what more do you want?”

“Buy another one? Don’t just loiter here.”

“C’mon, I’m your friend. Sure, we don’t do stuff like we used to, but....”

“Yeah, I guess I do like seeing you. Well, I’m sure I like seeing you.”

“Have you found a reason to not love me yet?”

“Like I said, I like pretty much everypony, but Zecora’s all special and you’re not.”

“I’m not special?”

“lol you know what i mean”

“Yeah.”

Silence.

“You’re hot,” Pinkie said.

“Um... thanks?”

“Sorry, I just... think that, okay? Sorry.”

“It’s okay, it’s not like I mind.”

“Thanks, I just... I had to confess that.”

“I already thought since you were seriously considering loving me—”

“I know, I just had to explicitly say it to you.”

“You’re Pinkie Pie, why are you so insecure?”

“I don’t know. I’m not.”

Silence.

“Please buy something.”

“No.”

“At least it’s being held at Graevl Pak instead of trying to squeeze everything into Sugarcube Corner,” Rarity changed the subject from expensive champagne.

“That never worked out smoothly any time they did it,” Sweetie Belle said.

But as usual, Rarity is a boring pony with no reason to be cared about, so Fluttershy was hanging some decorations.

“I can’t believe I forgot these ones,” Fluttershy said. “Everypony in Ponyville is going to be at Graevl Pak anyway, but I can’t be the only one who doesn’t do it, right?”

Okay, how’s about Octavia and/or Lyra?

“Do you have to go there?” Lyra said.

“If we don’t want to starve....”

“But I can’t spend Faustmas without you. You wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Look, Lyra, I know you’ll be really sad without me, but it’s just one day, and in the long term—”

“Don’t you have any sense of love or emotions or anything?”

“I’m just not sentimental. I’d like to be with you just as much, but we... I, rather... except... well, the point is that the money is needed. By the way, should we tell the viewers what’s going on?”

Lyra turned to the camera. “There’s a superfluous gala for Faustmas and there’s reasonably big monies in it for Octavia.” Then she turned back. “But don’t you have emotions? At all?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“If you don’t spend Faustmas with me, then what are we doing together?”

“We’re together all the time, one day isn’t a big deal.”

“But it’s a special day and you’re choosing money over your girlfriend.”

“If I thought the best thing for us would be to stay here, then that’s what I would do.”

“So you won’t spend Faustmas with me. You’re seriously going to spend the entirely of Faustmas away from your girlfriend so you can have a bunch of money.”

“We probably won’t have any money, and thus food, in three months if I don’t do my job.”

“We both have jobs that pay okay, there’s no reason we won’t be fine.”

“We’d be eating LCD food. I know you really want to spend Faustmas with me, and I really want to spend it with you too, but you’re wrong. There’s no guarantee that we’ll ‘be fine’, so I’m going there against your judgment.”

“You’re a bitch.”

Octavia tilted her head forward like “what”. “What did you just say?”

“You’re a bitch.”

Octavia got off the whatever she was sitting on and went over to some minor table to take some bags with a couple things in them.

“Where are you going?” Lyra said.

“I’m leaving. I’ll see you the day after Faustmas.”

“Good. Then I’ll be at the big Faustmas party everypony in town goes to without you.”

“That’s what I planned.”

Octavia left the building with no byes, good or otherwise, taking place.

“Seriously?” Pinkie said. “That place in Austria is pronounced ‘fking’? With no ‘uh’ sound?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said. “It rhymes with ‘looking’.”

“Well, that’s even better. It’s like you’re censoring yourself.”

“It fucking sucks.”

“I know....”

“So what about Košice?”

“That’s still Košice. But if you’re using it, you should be Košis....”

No response.

“Sorry.”

“I want to hit you with something blunt.”

Who else wants a section? Spike? Oh, you’re Minecrafting. Well, no one else is major enough to get a Faustmas Eve paragraph, so see you same time tomorrow.

CAEB FAUSTMAS STATUS

Twilight and Spike are doing computery stuffs at the moment. They’ll be coming to the Graevl Pak Faustmis Padi, which succeeds the Sugarcube Corner Faustmas party as the main huge Faustmas party of Ponyville.

Zecora is making a philter which she says is for science and not about Fluttershy. But do we believe her? Really?

Ooh, Applejack’s gonna feel that in the morning.

Pinkiedashness! Except that Pinkie Pie was explicitly like no. Except that telling Rainbow she was hot didn’t really help. Except that it doesn’t matter because whether PP→RD or not, RD!→PP.

Rarity is a vain prude and there’s no reason for anyone to like her.

Ly!↔Oc?! The bookies say that’ll make for quite the less boring than usual chapter.

DT→AB. Obviously. That’s why she’s mean to her. Or it could be that she’s one of those ponies who hates Applejackish ponies. But I think it’s—um, yeah, I’m totally authorised. What are you doing with that taser?

So with the tragic death of transcriber #5 by greyhound and the tragic fining of some pony who found a transcriber’s laptop unattended, let’s do some Faustmas!

Applejack woke up. Big Mac wasn’t there; she fell asleep first, so he must’ve gone back to his room. So she figured. Even though there were other explanations. The second thing she noticed was that she could still feel the pain from that time with the floor. It wasn’t traumatic or anything, but she had a flashback anyway.

“Don’t stop!”

“Don’t, stop?”

It didn’t end well. It ended a lot better than the time it was the other way round, but still. Not well. She stayed in bed and did nothing for a few minutes, then went downstairs and okay does someone want to be interesting? Twilight... Rainbow... d’awww, that’s cute, look at them. Hey, Pinkie Pie’s doing preparation stuff!

“Badachow, badachow, badachow, badachow, bow, bow, chow!” Pinkie repeatedly said whilst circular sawing some wood. Note her lack of any safety equipment.

“Yo P-Mare,” Kindle Fire said to Pinkie Pie.

She set the saw to autopilot and turned to face him. “Yeah?”

“We got drink ishes widda T.”

“I’ll take a look.”

They both went over to a table with transparent plastic cups and bowls of fruit block and pineapple juice on it.

“What’s the problem?”

“Check the block, P.”

She looked at the bowl of fruit block, noticing its assorted leaves and bird urine. The adjacent pineapple juice was completely unaffected. “You get replacement beverage, and maybe use plastic or foil or purpose-built lids or something.”

“Copy.”

They went back to their respective jobs.

“It’s just a site with a bunch of pictures of maize?” Spike’s parents’ only son said.

“You got a prahblem wi’ that?”

Spike looked to his right. “Apple Bloom?”

“Uh....”

“Get out of here.”

Apple Bloom ran down and out. At the same time as she left, Twilight entered the room.

“Apple Bloom invaded your house again,” Spike said.

“Oh well. If she didn’t break anything, I don’t care.”

“So it’s just a site with a bunch of pictures of maize?”

“Is there a problem with that?”

“I was just wondering what you specifically would need it for.”

“It’s compli—”

“You have a maize fetish, don’t you?”

“No, it’s a complicated in-joke.”

“You have a maize fetish.”

“Honestly, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I swear... look, if you really care, then I’ll explain it. Once upon a time, Rainbow accused me of being bad at finding good pictures of maize.”

“Why?”

“Because she was looking for one and—”

“Why?”

“You’d have to ask her, I don’t know.”

Pinkie Pie noticed something moving towards her in her peripheral vision. She turned her head and, as a result of not looking, accidentally sawed one of her hooves off. But seriously, it was Lyra. Pinkie switched it to autopilot again and turned the rest of her body.

“Hey, Lyra!”

“Hello.”

“You’re here early, aren’t ya?”

“Yes, but I don’t really have anything to do....”

“Hey, what’s with the trailing off and fake smiling? Is something wrong?”

“Well, um... I’m a jerk.”

“Why?”

“Well, Octavia and I were arguing yesterday, you see, she wanted to go to this Faustmas gala because it was her job, but I really wanted her to stay. She said we might end up needing the money, and she’s totally right, we might and it’s really the best practical thing to go there, but... at the time, I felt a little differently, like she was being a jerk for abandoning me over money for Faustmas, which like I said she wasn’t, she was right, but I....”

“Yeah?”

“I called her a bitch. Right to her face.”

“Oh....”

“And now I just... I feel really bad. That was a really stupid thing to say.”

“What did she say to you?”

“She just said she’d see me the day after Faustmas and left.”

“Well, you can explain everything to her when she gets back.”

“I know, but... I feel really bad.”

“It’s okay. You know what you said was wrong, so just apologise and beg for forgiveness.”

“But what if she doesn’t forgive me? I could see this being a semipermanent decline in our relationship.”

“Well....”

“What?”

“I don’t know. I’m not really... qualified to give you love advice....”

“That’s okay, you made me feel sort of better. I’ll tell her when she gets back and everything will probably be fine.”

“But now I feel sad. I don’t have any relationships.”

“Well, it’s okay, right? You’re not the type to hate yourself over things like that.”

“I know, but—”

There was the sound of a running circular saw hitting gravel, followed by the sound of a circular saw running on gravel. Pinkie turned around.

“Uh, crap,” she said. She ran over and turned it off, but not before losing one of her hooves. Not really, it went okay. Then she went back to Lyra.

“Sorry. But, uh, what was I saying?” Pinkie said.

“You don’t hate yourself over things like that.”

“Right, yeah, but I still feel sad. Everypony needs to have some sort of problems in their life, right? I mean, what would they have otherwise, a happy life?”

“Seriously, don’t stress over not having a relationship.”

ろ ろ ろ your boat

“Come on,” Twilight said. “You know you like it. What do you even have to do?”

“Practising for when Rainbow rejects your sex offers?” Spike said.

“Yep.”

“Don’t you ever think that maybe that’s a bit jerky?”

“Well, I’m sorry I think about what I say before I say it.”

“But it’s not like—”

“I’m doing this and you’re not going to stop me.”

After a minute of her repeating the phrase over and over, Rainbow Dash came through the doorway. Except there was no door, so it was just a way. If you put some plants in a Π shape, it’d be a way of life.

“Hi, Rainbow.”

“Hey, Twilight.”

“Can you drop whatever you plan to do and snog with me for a while?”

“You need to go to a therapist or something.”

“Please?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Come on, you know you like it. What do you even have to do?”

“I’m going to Graevl Pak. You should be there too.”

“I doubt anything’s put up there yet.”

“If literally nothing is put up, then I’ll be back here in an hour.”

“And then I get to do unspeakable things to you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

She flew over to Graevl Pak so quickly that it was ten thousand years later and Ponyville was now barren tundra. Wait, no. She touched down on the gravel (and a tiny bit of sand) uneventfully, making Pinkie look to her left once again.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash!”

“Hey, Pinkie Pie. Shouldn’t you be looking at that saw?”

“Um...” she turned the circular saw off, then faced Rainbow in general, “There.”

“Cool. So what’s goin’ on? Am I being annoying and intrudy and delaying your work?”

“Nope, I’m always happy to see you.”

“Seriously, though—”

“No, it’s fine. If I needed to do stuff, I’d say so.”

“Cool. So what are you sawing stuff for?”

“We need planks for planker.”

“We’re doing that this year?”

“Yeah. BallX too.”

“That’ll be awesome.”

“I know, right?”

“Well, I’m gonna tell AJ about the BallX so we can practise and beat everypony.”

“Cool.”

Rainbow flew over to SwApAcres, not to be confused with swapacres.eq, a site that wishes it was eBay.

“FBI ANALOGUE!” Rainbow said as loudly as her vocal chords would allow her.

Applejack ran down and opened the door. “Rainbow? What’s with the FBAh Ah heard?”

“That was me.”

“Fuck you, Ah got real nervous.”

“They’re doing BallX at the Faustmas party this year, so I thought we should practise.”

“‘Kay. But seriously, Faust.”

“I regret nothing.”

Applejack went inside (she was already inside, but you know), nothing happened, and she came out kicking a Nerf-type black ball about twenty centimetres in diameter.

“Cool,” Rainbow said.

They went out to some reasonably clear area. Imagine whatever you want. Okay, ew, you’re not allowed to imagine that.

“So...” Applejack said, “What should we do?”

“Well, we should practise kicking stuff first, since the fighty parts....”

“Yeah, ‘kay.”

Meanwhile in Directly West of DEoDF Forest, someone was racistly insulting the residents of Directly East of DWoDF Forest. But in addition, 4+8=12. Really, is nothing going on on Faustmas? Where even are you, Lyra?

“Hasbro,” Lyra said.

Okay, I see you, you’re back at Octavia’s house.

“Hey,” camerapony #O8 threw his hat into the ring, if you get my drift, “You could hate yourself some more. Our audience likes that.”

“But I already explained why I suck. I don’t want to do it again.”

“Fine.”

CAEB is healthy

ONCE MORE PONIES STARTED SHOWING UP TO GRAEVL PAK!

“‘Kayseronis,” Pinkie said whilst looking over a clipboard, “Lyra and Rainbow... well, that’s a terrible ship. But they’re back here... Twilight, Spike, Apples, Fluttershy, Sweetie Belle... so we’ve got normal mane six and show mane six... wait, where’s Pinkie Pie? I don’t have her on here. I’ll ask Twilight, she knows everything.”

She put the clipboard down on a rectangular prism of planks like you see and walked over to Twilight, who was looking rather lonely and unoccupied, almost like she was Rarity.

“Bendy straw,” Pinkie said. “Whatcha doin’ all alone like?”

“I was talking with Rainbow and barely not sexually assaulting her, then Applejack came and she just dumped me.”

“You need help, seriously. But what I came to ask you was that I was looking over the list of arrived ponies and I wasn’t on it.”

“So?”

“So I’m supposed to be here and I was wondering if you knew where I was.”

“You’re talking to me right now.”

“No, I’m talking—wait, um, oh. Yeah, okay.”

She ran embarrassedly back to the block of planks and resumed looking over the clipboard.

“Still need Scootaloo since she’s Scootaloo,” talked she to herself, “And Zecora in case somepony dies, which if we’re doing a massive BallX tournament is bound to happen at least a couple times... who else do we want? Meh, nopony else is major enough. I mean, Scootaloo’s not major enough, but if anypony else wants to come, they’ll just be here. I mean, look at that pony, I’ve never seen him before, but he’s here. Wait, is that two stallions in the same field of vision in Ponyville? Huh.” She brothe in. “COME OVER HERE FOR BALLX SIGNUPS!”

Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle all ran over.

“You see that?” Diamond Tiara said to Twist.

“No....”

“If Apple Bloom’s doing something competitive, we have to be there to beat her at it.”

“Do we even know how to play BallX?”

“We’ll learn.”

“So I assume you’re having Scootaloo, right?” Pinkie said to Apple Bloom.

“Yeah.”

“Who’s your third pony, Appledash ponies?”

“Uh...” Rainbow looked at Applejack.

“Ah’ll ask Twahlaht.”

Applejack made the tedious, soul-destroying journey to Twilight.

“Twi—” she coughed, “Li—” she coughed.

“Hi.”

“You wanna be ahn our BallX team?”

“I don’t know how to play BallX.”

“Do y’know somepony who does?”

“Um, let me get Spike.”

Twilight made the soul-destroying, tedious journey to Spike, who was conversing with an extremely happy to be cared about Rarity.

“Straweronis.” “Hello.”

“Sorry to interrupt, but I need to ask you something, Spike.”

“Yeah?”

“Rainbow and Applejack are signing up for the BallX thing and they need a third member for their team, and you’re puerile so I figured you might know how to play it.”

“What do you have against BallX?”

“Nothing, really, I just really wanted to use that word. So do you know?”

“I’ve never actually played it, but to which I know how.”

“Well, hopefully that’s good enough for them.”

“Do I have to be there to sign up?”

“I don’t know, I’d assume so.”

“I’ll go over there.”

Twilight and Spike made the perilous journey back to the desk. Well, it’s not a desk, but it is.

“Can I be on the Appledash BallX team?” Spike asked with quenched thirst and without that 4:30 feeling, all thanks to 5-hour CAEB. 5-hour CAEB is a healthy drink for anyone needing a quick shot of energy.

“Sure, I just need your name.”

“You’re looking at me. You know who I am.”

“Do you have a surname?”

“Unless Twilight actually named me Spike Sparkle and never told me about it, then no.”

“Okay, so so far we have a Rainbow/AJ/Spike team and the CMC. Hopefully we can get at least four teams in since brackets are fun.”

The next interesting conversation was between Applejack and Rainbow Dash at a circular umbrella table. They were just sitting there like they hadn’t just fucked behind that bush, which everyone close pretty much knew they had, but it’s not like they were going to say anything.

“Ah’m thirsty,” Applejack said.

“Well, they’re hardly running out of drinks. Just don’t have anything all alcoholic, I want you sober for the BallX.”

“Yeah, Ah’ll be all respahnsible.”

Applejack went to the nearest table and came back with some water.It’s almost as healthy as CAEB.

“Ah thought you trusted me,” she said after putting down the cup she had been precariously holding with her teeth.

“Where’s that comin’ from?”

“Bein’ all respahnsible. Do you think Ah’m a fuckin’ idiot?”

“You seemed to take it as a nice friendly reminder before, why are you all bitchy about it now?”

She took a sip. “‘Cause Ah was feelin’ nahce before an’ now Ah realise that you were treatin’ me lahke Ah was fuckin’ two years old.”

“You’re supposed to yell at ponies and then apologise, not the other way round.”

“Well, Ah’m not gonna let you off all easy.”

She drank the rest of the cup, which did nothing to prevent the ensuing short silence.

“Ah’m sorry Ah was such a bitch about the drink thing,” Applejack said.

“It’s okay, I still love you.”

“No, really....”

“I don’t feel like being melodramatic right now.”

Immediately after that conversation ended, the Cocleares Argentorum drew attention for a moment by appearing. They went up to the signup desk with purpose and srs bsnssness.

“We’d like to sign up for the BallX competition,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Fine,” Pinkie accepted the fact that Diamond and her minions were doing something. “At least your existence will be worth it if we get one more team.”

“Come on,” Diamond Tiara said, “We’re going to harass the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Especially Apple Bloom.”

The CA did indeed travel to the CMC.

“Hey, Dahmond,” Apple Bloom accepted the fact that they knew each other on a shortened name basis, “Ya come ‘ere ta harass me?”

“Yes.”

“Well, you’ll ½ ta get through Sweetie Belle an’ Scootaloo first.”

“Well, they must get through Twist and Silver first.”

The four brave soldiers stood around without doing anything.

“Do something,” Diamond said.

“Sweetie Belle?” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah?”

“Can you use your magic for somethin’?”

“Um... wait, yeah. Okay, here’s a threat for you ponies: surrender or I’ll light you on fire.”

Silver Spoon stepped back.

“What are you doing?” Twist said at Silver Spoon.

“Surrendering.”

“Well, I shall not be such a coward for our master.”

Sweetie Belle focussed really hard or something for a second, then, like magic, Twist’s mane was on fire. Twist immediately turned and went for the nearest drink table.

“Goshcruddamnsodshitfuck,” Twist said as she ran for a table, watched by dozens of ponies, and subsequently got to the table. She hastily poured some water on herself. It stopped the fire, but she had already lost her mane and most of the fur on her scalp, and had a minor burn on said scalp. Everyone lost interest and she walked back to the battlefield.

“I surrender too,” she said.

“Do you surrender?” Sweetie Belle said, looking at Diamond Tiara.

Diamond checked out Twist’s head for a moment. “Yes.”

A second of nothing passed.

“We’ll go and see what Zecora can do,” Diamond said primarily to Twist.

Twist nodded and the CA were off.

“Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo said.

“What?”

“That was awesome.”

“I don’t know, I feel all guilty.”

“Why? She’s Twist.”

“I know, but... violence is wrong and stuff.”

“It’s self-defence. And it’s Twist.”

“I know, but...”

“Ah already said,” Applejack said, “Ah ain’t gonna tell you.”

“Come on.”

“Did you even get anythin’ for anypony?”

“Yeah, I got stuff for the mane six. And Scootaloo. She’s gonna be so excited....”

“What’d you get ‘er, a buncha random objects you scribbled your name on?”

“I’m not that much of a Rarity. It’s something totally unrelated to me. Everypony else can get ‘er the Rainbow Dash merch, I got somethin’ else.”

“Food?”

“She’ll like it, okay? Don’t you trust me?”

“Ah trust you in the squishy love kinda way. Mostly in general too, but there’re some things.”

“Like what, piloting spaceships to New Virgin?”

“No, normal stuff too. Lahke—”

“How do you decide ‘normal stuff’?”

“Lahke stuff you’re not good at.”

“So that would be normal stuff.”

“Ah don’t feel like explainin’.”

“What?” Fluttershy said. “It’s my turn? I get a turn? Um, well, I’m not doing much. I’m not even talking with anypony.” She dramatically paused. “I feel kind of lonely, actually.”

“SIGNUPS FOR PLANKER!” Pinkie said.

Big Mac, Applejack, Philip the Background Character, Carrot Cake, Butterscotch’s rude cousin Asserscotch, and Silver Spoon all travelled to the desk.

“Wait,” Apple Bloom said, watching the ponies coming up to Pinkie Pie because movement is entertaining, “Silver Spoon’s sahnin’ up?”

“That’s what it looks like,” Scootaloo said.

“Then Ah gotta sahn up too.”

“Do you even know how it works?”

“Well, no....”

“Then don’t worry about it.”

“But Silver Spoon.”

“So? At least it’s not Diamond Tiara. And like I just said, what are you going to do if you do play it?”

“Y’know.”

“No.”

“Uh... stuff.”

“Nothing’s happening,” Pinkie said, “So does anypony wanna be a fourth BallX team?”

A tumbleweed came onto the scene. Everyone stared at it for a couple seconds as it rolled across the gravel, then Twilight brought it over to herself with her levitation.

“What are you gonna do with a tumbleweed?” Spike said.

“Burn it. What else would I do?”

“You know, there was a time when you were sane.”

Twilight lit the tumbleweed and watched as it slowly burnt into nothing, violating conservation of energy.

“Twilight?” Spike said after the tumbleweed fully burnt away.

“What?” She looked to Spike and noticed he was being magically pulled away.

“Rape.”

“Look behind you.”

Spike looked behind him, which was actually in front of him because of the direction he was being pulled, and saw it was Rarity.

“Are you gonna rape me?” Spike said.

“No.”

“Come on.”

“I know I’m boring, but I assure you that this will be worth your frankly cheap time.”

“I don’t think you’re boring....”

“Well, he’s getting creepily pulled away by somepony I know,” Twilight said. “And as we all know, you’re more likely to get raped by a random pony walking down the street than somepony you trust.”

“So what did you creepily pull me to this umbrella table for?” Spike said. “Are you sure you don’t want to rape me?”

“I would never do that to you, it’s just that we need to resume our talking.”

“‘Resume our talking’? That’s not very Rarityish.”

“Resume our... conversation? It doesn’t matter. Now, you were telling me about—”

“BALLX TIIIME!” Pinkie Pie said through a megaphone.

“Well, I have to go over there,” Spike said, stressing the “to” heavily.

“Who will I be with? Nopony else likes me.”

“I don’t have time to say stuff, so bye.”

And so Rarity’s only shot at being entertaining left to play BallX.

“Oooookayseronirolls,” Pinkie said. “Our four teams are... um, what’s your team name, Appledash and Spike?”

“We’re Team Purina,” Applejack said. “Rainbow?”

“Yeah?”

“Should Ah make mah middle name Purina?”

“How much money are they giv—”

“Our four teams,” Pinkie said, “If nopony will interrupt me, are Team Purina, the CMC, the CA, and the Ktery Triplets!”

She pointed to a group of three ponies: a burnt orange stallion, a mare who was either orange or pink, and another burnt orange stallion who looked identical to the first one except for two black stripes running across his head and his back and the giant black 4s on his sides.

“Who?” Apple Bloom said.

“Team Purina—”

“No, Ah know, but... am Ah the only one who don’t reco’nahse ‘em?”

“No,” the other eight said.

“Well, they came here and they signed up.”

“Yeah, fahne,” Apple Bloom said, “But who are they?”

“The Ktery Triplets. The first round will be the CMC and CA and Purina and Ktery.”

“Oh, so they’re losin’ anyway.”

“Well, they’re not against Team Unstoppable, you know, Rainbow Dash and Applejack and Twilight. So they have something of a chance. Anyway, TP and the KT are first, so the rest of you do whatever.”

Pinkie (Pie), T(eam) P(urina), and the K(tery) T(riplets) went off to the tesseract that was the BallX field. Wait, no, it had half as many dimensions. Back at the desk, Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara looked at each other, both planning to complain about the other looking at them.

“No,” Scootaloo said as she took Apple Bloom by the neck. “That’s disgusting and you’re not doing it.”

“You’ll never stop our... well, not love, but sexual attraction. You’ll never stop that!”

“All you can think of when you’re even somewhat alone with her is sex. You’re way too young for that. What happened to all the hatred?”

Apple Bloom pushed Scootaloo to the ground and walked halfway to the Cocleares.

“You shouldn’t—” Twist managed to say before being pushed over by Diamond. Diamond herself made her way to Apple Bloom.

“If we win the game,” Apple Bloom said, “You are so gonna be mah bitch for the day.”

“If we win, you’ll be my bitch.”

“You ponies? Win? Have y’ever even played before?”

“...Yes.”

“Well, we’re gonna pwn you with our superior physical an’ mental attributes.”

“I’ll love watching you try.”

“Well, it’ll be all right,” Fluttershy said like she had a fucking crystal ball. “She probably thinks you were just mad, and you can explain and apologise when she gets back.”

“I can comfort myself all I want,” Lyra said, “But I’m a jerk.”

“Don’t say that, everypony loses their head sometimes. She’d be silly to hold this against you forever.”

“But it’s never going to change—have you been here the whole time, Rarity?”

“Rarity’s here?” Fluttershy looked in a couple random directions. “Oh. Hello, Rarity.”

“I was hoping one of you would be lonely so I wouldn’t have to spend another party alone. I definitely didn’t expect to see you both at once.”

“Well, there’s only room for two at this umbrella table,” Lyra said.

“There are two empty seats,” Rarity said.

“It’s metaphorical.”

“If you don’t want me here, you can just say so.”

“Leave.”

Rarity departed for another world. I wish.

“But it’s never going to change the fact that I called her that,” Lyra said.

“Like I said, you’ll explain and she’ll forgive you. It’ll all work out fine.”

“I see,” Zecora said, seeing Twist. “I can heal the burn with some magical lime, but the only thing that’ll fix your mane is time. Not that cures don’t exist; indeed, there are plenty. It’s just that, put simply, I didn’t bring any.”

“You didn’t? Really?”

“I didn’t have anything in the first place.”

“Oh. But you can fix the burn?”

Zecora threw a lime at Twist so hard that it broke into two pieces.

“Ow,” Twist said as the burn disappeared and the fur grew back. “What was that about?”

“You’re better,” Diamond said.

“What?” Twist rubbed her head. “Oh. Thanks, Zecora!”

“Of course.”

“Anypony else want a section before the three-hour skip?” camerapony # -1 said through a megaphone. “We need some refreshing tertiary characters.”

Spitfire flew up in the air and waved.

“Okay, we’re coming over.”

A couple cameraponies and a transcriber came over.

“I’m here at the traditional annual somewhat Sugarcube Corner-sponsored Ponyville Faustmas party with Soarin’,” Spitfire said. “You could also say Soarin’’s at the traditional annual vaguely sponsored by Sugarcube Corner Ponyville Faustmas party with me. Or you could say—”

Soarin slapped Spitfire in the cheek, causing her to put her hoof on it for a moment.

“Thanks,” she said. “Sorry, I do that sometimes. But we were just talking about how this party doesn’t really have any Faustmas themes to it. It doesn’t really matter that much to me as long as it has fruit parry, but I could see how some other ponies wouldn’t like it. In fact, there’s not much partyish about it either, it’s all talking and eating stuff and no stuff like clumsily sexified versions of children’s party games or getting drunk. Wait, that’s a partay. Yeah, this is about right, then, I guess.”

“Your thoughts, Soarin’?” camerapony #1+3 asked for Soarin’’s thoughts.

“Um...” said Soarin’, who was being festive and wearing his second favourite earmuffs, “I dunno, I think the same as Spitfire.”

“Well, we’ll go to commercial after a quick word from our sponsors.”

I Suck At Titles, Summary Better is brought to you in part by CAEB. It turns you into a pegasus.

What do you get when you cross mouth-watering pineapple, still-sizzling mushrooms, cheese you’d be able to identify if you were good at that, tomato sauce made with real tomatoes, and crust that actually tastes like anything? A slice of pizza from Isosceles’ Pizzeria at 42 Manor Road, Cracuf.

“And we’re back with our live coverage of the 2012 Sugarcube Corner Ponyville Faustmas Party at Graevl Pak,” Shiny Teeth Anchor said. “It’s been three hours, and a bit has changed. Of course, if you’re reading the text version, you didn’t have to wait three hours for the next part, having to wait even more time for all the parts. But the first BallX game is over and Team Purina have beaten the Ktery Triplets 12–0.” BallX scores are hockey-like, to give you an idea. “The second BallX game will begin in just a few minutes. Now, Ktery B is here with me now. What was wrong with your game today?”

Ktery B, the orange/pink one, who was missing most of her fur and had scratches all across her body, wiped a bit of dripping mucus with what remained of her coat’s sleeve and sniffled. “Well, for one, we had only played two BallX games in our lives and that was like seven years ago. Then there’s the problem that we were up against Rainbow Dash and Applejack. I mean, I don’t fuckin’ know how often they play BallX, but it’s gotta be more than us, and they’re, like, athletic as shit, obviously. So the problem was pretty much that we just, like, came in without any, you know, experience or anything, without any fucking plans, and expected to just really beat a third of the ponies who saved the bloody world.”

“So the problem with your overall strategy was that you didn’t actually make one.”

“Yep, that bloody well sums it up.”

“Thanks. Anything to add to that, Ktery A?”

“Uh...” said Ktery A, the stallion without the stripes, who had multiple lacerations on each of his forelegs and a large hole where you’d expect a left cheek, “We played greatly and I hope Zecora is able to heal us. We had not much experience, but... it was a great day for what we did.”

“Well, that’s it for the BallX report. Will the two conscious Ktery Triplets literally live to see another day? Stay tuned.”

“You see the pink one, Spike?” Rainbow said.

“What ‘pink one’?” Applejack said. They’re all orange.”

“Nuh-uh, the mare’s pink.”

“She’s orange. See? Look at ‘er. That colour’s called oran—”

“She’s pink, you fucking moron.”

“Ah’m the fuckin’ morahn? You’re the one callin’ an orange thin—”

“She’s fucking pink!”

“Ponies?” Spike said. They both looked at him. “Calm down.”

They looked back, and the staring slowly changed from angry back to its normal romantic.

“You’re not a moron,” Rainbow said.

“It’s okay.” Applejack moved within grabbing for a hug distance.

“Really, I’m a—”

“Don’t start one ah those, Ah love you. You’re not a terrible pony—”

“Ponies?” Spike said. “Rainbow Dash? You were saying something?”

“Yeah. So you see her there?”

“Yeah, what about her?”

“You scratched ‘er up nice.”

“Thanks. Um, was I okay at the game?”

“You’re not very good at the ball-moving parts, but you’re a great fighter. And I’m sure you’ll get better at the ball-moving parts with practice, since you said you’d never played before, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, so you’ll get better.”

Shiny Teeth Anchor jumped in the middle of them from behind a bush.

“Rainbow Dash,” he said, “What comments do you have about the game today?”

“It was so easy,” Rainbow, who along with Applejack had no injuries whatsoever, though Spike had an easy for Zecora broken arm, said, “It was like they hadn’t played BallX in seven years or something. But we basically decided that we’d play it really conservative an’ if we screwed up then panic and go really offensive, but they could barely get the simplest fundamentals done and once we hit ‘em with anything more complex than running directly forward, they were hopeless.”

“Anything you have to say, Applejack?”

“Like Rainbow said, they didn’t even know basic BallX strategy. Ah mean, a third ah our team didn’t either, but at least he knew basic clawin’ stuff to death strategy. We didn’ really use ‘im much until after the first half, but once we saw that we were gonna win, we let ‘im do more offensive stuff for practice instead ah just hangin’ out in defence. So yeah, it was real easy since they sucked at every aspect ah BallX ‘cept for runnin’ fast.”

“Well, that’s your analysis from Team Purina,” he said before flying away because he was a pegasus. You assumed he was an earth pony, didn’t you? Racist.

“That’s really what you’d do?” Twilight said.

“The Internet said there’s a spell for it,” Pinkie said, “So why wouldn’t I wanna do it?”

“Wait, we’re on. Um, should I...?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“There’s a spell you can cast and it makes the BrodyQuest music play around you whenever you walk. There. So as I was saying, you’d get sick of it after five minutes.”

“So? I’ll just turn it off if I ever ‘get sick of it’, as if I would.”

“It lasts twelve hours. You can’t shorten it or lengthen it, it’s twelve hours then you can cast it again if you want.”

“Is that twelve hours of walking or just twelve hours?”

“Just twelve hours.”

“See? So it’s not like it wouldn’t spring up when you weren’t in the mood for it or anything. There are no disadvantages.”

“Okay, well, even if you wouldn’t get sick of it, what about all the ponies around you?”

“Well, I’d like i—”

“Yeah, but not everypony is you. What about all the ponies around you?”

“I won’t run into anypony on random walks, who goes outside anymore? You just wouldn’t like it and you’re projecting that onto me.”

“Sure.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack came up to the desk.

“Yeah?” Pinkie said.

“When’s the BallX fahnal?” Applejack said.

“Oh, we’re saving that for the New Year’s party.”

“‘Kay.” She turned to Rainbow. “So will y’ let me drink mahself ta death now?”

“Yep.”

“Cool.”

“Hey,” Spike said, as Twilight had just teleported in and took a seat at the umbrella table he had stationed himself at.

“Hi, Spike.” She noticed his arm and her face changed from fun party happiness to sad party concern. “Your arm looks a bit....”

“Yeah, I broke it in the BallX game. Zecora’ll fix it once she’s done with the other team, though.”

“That’s good. Are you sure you won’t die in the next game?”

“I’ll be fine. You won’t be a parent and not let me play, will you?”

“Of course you can play, I just don’t want you seriously hurt or killed.”

“Well, it’s BallX, I’m gonna get seriously hurt, but they can just bring me to Zecora if it looks like I’m about to die.”

“Yeah. I guess I’m just worried for no reason.”

“‘Cause that never happens.”

“Shut up.”

The Appledash pair were back at their table for a really, really short scene.

“So how much are they payin’ you?” Rainbow said. “You never told me and I want you to be able to tell me before you get drunk.”

“Ah can’t tell ya anyway.”

“Well, if you’re not sure, then don’t do it.”

“Yeah, Ah don’ think Ah will.”

Does Big Mac want a part? He’s the only one major enough left, then we can call the chapter finished. Actually, I don’t care, he’s getting one.

“So that’s why I came to you,” Fluttershy said.

“You should say that again.”

“Why—oh, I see. Lyra didn’t have anything to talk about other than the incident with Octavia.”

“But why did you come to me?”

“Well, I saw you were alone and you’re a nice pony, you don’t deserve to be alone, so....”

“I’m fine with being alone.”

“But it’s a party. You need to do something other than just eat. Party things like games, talking with relatives or friends you never see, finding a love interest....”

“Finding a love interest?”

“Well, I don’t know why I said that one. But the other two... and I’m not saying those are the only things, just examples.”

“I know.”

“Well, when you’re back at Sweet Apple Acres, you’ll have your family to look forward to, right?”

“AJ’ll be passed out or doing things with Rainbow Dash, and Apple Bloom will be with her normal friends, so I won’t have anything to do.”

“Oh. Well....” She suddenly stopped talking and looked downward for a second. She had a nervous and scared and such facial expression, was breathing a bit strangely, and was generally not doing a good job of hiding that she was nervous. She randomly swallowed and looked back up. “Well, you could—I could....”

“Is something wrong?”

“Not me, but somepony could organise a thing where you, me... Lyra, Rarity... anypony who’d otherwise, who would otherwise be alone can come. Do you—is that a stupid idea?”

“I’ll tell it to Pinkie Pie.”

“Okay, sure, you... you do that.”

Big Mac got up and left the table. You assumed they were at an umbrella table, right? Good. In related news, Fluttershy became conscious of her breathing and put her knees on the table and her head in her hooves.

“Yo waz up, Big Mac!” Pinkie Pie said, trying make the two fingers diagonally downward symbol with a hoof.

“Fluttershy thinks there should a party for ponies like her and Lyra who would otherwise be alone for late night Faustmas.”

“Everypony gets kicked out of the park when everypony gets kicked out, but maybe if we went somewhere else like... Saend Pak? Is that too far?”

“It’s too small.”

“Yeah... I don’t know. Everywhere is just too small or unlit. So I guess I do know and it’s no.”

“Okay.”

He went back.

“It was a stupid idea,” he said.

Fluttershy nodded. “Well, we—no, never mind.”

“What?”

“I don’t... I don’t even have... never mind.”

Buy CAEB

And so with their part done, it was time to see the injuries from the CMC/CA game and then end the chapter. For real this time.

“Aaand amazingly,” Pinkie said through a megaphone, “It’s another twelve to nil win, with the Crusaders from Cutie Mark raping and killing the Argentorum from Cocleares. Now it’s time for the best part of any BallX game, the end-of-game injury report! Looks like Twist has no tail, maybe about a third of her fur, and around twenty, twenty-five cuts, bite tears, and general injuries on her body. Rich’s suffered a wound going right to the bone on her left foreleg, a broken jaw, three broken ribs, a broken right hindleg, and bruises all across her body. Spoon’s escaped with a nearly severed right foreleg from an injury right behind the shoulder, some more bite tears, and both her hindlegs are bending completely the wrong way. As for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Sweetie Belle has a broken leg and Scootaloo has scratches all over her chest.”

Okay, now the chapter’s over. For real. You’re probably really tired anyway, like you started reading this right before you were about to go to bed at your normal two o’clock bedtime, and now you’re like Faaauuust let it be ooover. Well, now it is over. See you tomorrow.

Chapter 15E: Lyra’s Got Some ‘Splainin’ to Do (Again)

It was Faustmas night, at least in Ponyville’s time zone, and Lyra is about to come back to her house riiight... now.

“Okay...” she, like many others, had made a habit of talking to herself for the cameras, “Well, that was fun. I guess. I spent most of it self-loathing, but... okay, who am I foaling, this is the worst Faustmas of my life. Besides when my brother died, but I don’t need to go back to that....”

We’ll be back right after this short break.

There once was a man, his name was Fred! He lived in a very old red shed! He hiked through the wilderness and found a cane, a cane just lying there soaked and plain! He picked up the cane, and it had a message: “over in Equestria, do they have dressage?”. And he thought “Of course not, why would that be, but who can disprove it? Surely not me.”.

“Maybe lyring will make me feel better,” a doing nothing in the living room Lyra told herself. “It’s worth a shot.” She went to the bedroom and clopped—wait, that’s from something else I’m writing. She went to the bedroom and opened the chest at the foot of the bed, because that’s just the kind of pony Octavia was, opened the chest that contained her primary lyre, magicked it out of the soft dome-lined inside, and closed both chests. She sat on the bed and started randomly strumming, hoping she would eventually be inspired by one particular broooom and make it into a whole thing.

She spent literally a minute just doing that, then decided something else was in order. She wondered whether playing sad or happy music would let her deal with her emotions better, or if the music should not be overly emotional instead, which made her question if music-playing was even a good idea at all, then she wondered what piece of music didn’t show any kind of emotion anyway, and that sounds like a short summary, but that’s how quickly she went through it. She thought about the idea of playing already-written music for about a second then realised that would miss the point.

She even more briefly thought about making lyrics too, then remembered the lyrics she had previously written in her life. She put the lyre on the floor, laid down on the bed, and pulled a blanket over her entire body. “I made that,” she said. She wondered what it was about words, since when she saw a crappy drawing or Lego build or whatever, it was like “What charming effort! Keep on trying.”, but when she saw crappy things made of text, it was like “You’re a pathetic, incompetent, deluded somehow not killed by a fanmare moron.”.

“Okay, Lyra. Just get up and make some sad music. That’ll make you feel better.” She did all the things she did to get under the blanket in reverse down to the atom and began strumming the lyre a little less randomly. Broooom? No. Broooom. Maybe. Broooom. Ooh. Broooom? Okay, no, that sounds weird. The point is that she developed a slow, sad tune, although in China it would’ve been seen as calming, and it let her look at her problems from a cold, logical angle to effectively deal with them. Wait, it did the opposite.

“I love you, Octavia,” she said like she was never going to see her again. She hadn’t cried so much since that time she was born. “And I have something to say to you, too, Lyra. This isn’t helping. What’s the problem anyway? I know what I’m going to do. I should just calm down and have a normal night. Let’s see, what do I do besides music and things that are necessary for survival? Sweet shop... television... um... that’s it, really. Is my life really that monotonous? But aren’t most lives like that? Anyway, I need to get my mind off what I said. Maybe watching an obscure mediocre film will help.”

She turned to Netflix and, incredibly, actually managed to pick something. It’s pretty incredible to me, anyway. She chose a film which the transcriber can’t say because they don’t want her to give any free advertising, but it was so slightly bad that she fell asleep an hour into it. Here’s a Twidash conversation.

“And don’t use any magic or I’ll think about breaking up even more.”

“You’re never actually going to leave me.”

“I might sometime.”

Twilight would’ve went to the bed, but she was already there, so she could skip directly to the clopping Rainbow step. Rainbow closed her eyes because it felt right.

“Twilight,” Rainbow said in the “oh fuck” way, not the “stop” way.

“Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay,” the token earth pony of the Programme Productions headquarters said, “We get it, the writer’s horny. He’s always like that, nothing’s changed, so can we please move on?”

The next morning, Lyra woke up, on the couch as expected. What she didn’t expect was that all the walls had been painted pink. Luckily, this didn’t happen.

“Didn’t mean fall asleep couch,” Lyra said, her drowsiness allowing her to access extra brainpower and eliminate superfluous words from her sentences.

She got up and did morning things so boring that four suicides were reported. The reports all turned out to be hoaxes. Once she was done with that, she went to the kitchen and got herself some cereal made of soy and a milk-like beverage made from rice. Or maybe it was the other way round, it’s been so long. But what she should be using to give additional flavour to and/or soften her cereal is CAEB. Anyway, we all know this is just padding for the eventual arrival of Octavia, so as said Octavia would say, lezza go. Okay, she probably wouldn’t say that.

Octavia’s door got a right knocking.

“Maybe it’ll be Derpy Hooves,” Lyra wishfully thought. “Have to think positive. Ly.”

She went to the door and subsequently opened it. It was Octavia.

“Hello, Octavia.”

“Hello.”

“Come in.” She did.

“Was Faustmas all right for you?”

“Look...” Lyra closed the door, “I didn’t mean to call you that. You were right, we might end up needing the money to live and I was being overly sentimental. And I know, I just said it, but I’m sorry I said that. You did the right thing and—I’m already saying the same things again. What can I do to make it up to you?”

“A couple minutes after I left and I soaked it in and got over it, I realised that you were, in all likelihood, going to come to your senses and, whether or not you agreed with the decision, at least feel bad about calling me by a swear. You don’t have to do anything for me, all that’s important to me is that you realise what you did.”

“I know it was wrong, and I’m really sorry. I was mad and I was wrong and I can’t believe I said that to you and I feel really bad... I just... I’m sorry, okay?”

“I understand how you felt, and I would’ve loved to be with you on Faustmas too, but I had to do it. You were wrong and distressed and that was fine, but what you said....”

“Okay, we’re not getting anywhere. So how can I make it up to you?”

“Everypony does things that are dumb sometimes and it’s just an isolated incident, so I won’t hold a grudge. If it happens again, though, I might have to think less of you....”

“Well, it’ll never happen again, I promise. Are you sure I don’t have to do anything? Because I can’t just shake this off.”

“I won’t hold a grudge and I still love you. Just one thing, though.”

“Yes?”

“I hope this does something for your ‘perfection’ idea.”

“Yeah, um... I’ll look at that. Reconsider it. Not be ridiculous.”

“Good.”

Lyra’s face looked kind of red even though she had fur, because that’s just how sad she was.

“Do you need a hug?” Octavia said.

“Yes.”

They hugged embracingly. Except they didn’t even do that because they were quadrupeds.

“It’s worth repeating that I still love you,” Octavia said.

“But I’m a terrible pony.”

“You just lost your temper. This is the only time something like this has ever happened, and you know what you did, so get over it, all right?”

Lyra inhaled and exhaled. “All right.”

“Is there anything you planned to do with me or do you want to be alone?”

“Accept that you’re in control of the relationship because of what I just did, if we ever break up it’s obviously going to be you leaving me, the fact that you’re the one bringing most of the money even if I’m able to support myself with no rent and LCD food, and you’re way out of my league?”

“Lyra, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: we’re equals. I don’t want it to be one of those relationships. And do you seriously care about ‘leagues’?”

“No, I’m just being melodramatic. Because I love you and don’t want you to leave me. But if you feel like I’m not who you want, then don’t tell yourself... well... I’ve already said enough about that.”

“I love you, Lyra. Don’t worry about it.”

And so they watched a documentary about how evil Company is with their Product.

Chapter160ZeroPunctuation

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THEEND

Chapter 161: Comfort Zone

In Zecora’s vaja, things were happening. Or were they?! Let’s find out. One... two... three... nom. How many licks does it take to get to the iron and nickel centre of a Tootsie Pop? I sure don’t have the patience to find out.

“Hiiighway, to, the, com-fort zone!” Scootaloo sang. “I don’t know, it’s not as dramatic.”

“You’re probably right,” Zecora said. “We might need to... to....”

“...Yyyeeeaaahhh?”

“I can’t think of anything.”

“It’s okay—”

“It’s not okay, I used to rhyme all the time. I’ve been yelling at ponies because I can’t come up with anything and they rightfully complain about it.”

“Come on. Nopony... or zebra... else does it, so why should you have to?”

“Because I’m supposed to. I rhyme, that’s my thing. I can’t just....”

“...Yeah?”

“I can’t think of anything.”

“It’s okay—”

Meanwhile, Applejack had just woken up. She opened her eyes, got out of bed, blah blah blah, then she said something.

“Rainbow,” she said, seeing her on the bed. She giggled for one “hm”. “Never gets up before me....”

She went downstairs into the lavatory and brushed her teeth. Immediately after finishing, i.e., doing the spitty part, she realised something.

“Wait a minute...” she said to her reflection. “Ah didn’t ‘ave Rainbow over last naht.”

She had a super sexy shower and that was fun, then she went back up to her room.

“Rainbow,” she said softly, nudging Rainbow Dash slightly.

No response.

“Wake up,” she said firmly, applying a moderate amount of pressure to her.

No response.

“RAINBOW DASH!”

Rainbow rolled over. “What?”

“You weren’ here last naht.”

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“Ah mean you weren’t here, and now you’re in mah bed.”

“I was here. You probably just don’t remember shit ‘cause of all the drinkin’ you did. Now lemme sleep.”

“Did Ah do any stupid drunk stuff?”

“I saw you unconscious on the floor, so I got to Twilight so she could get you to Zecora and then everything was fine. Now lemme sleep.”

“Scootaloo?” Zecora said to a rather fainted-looking Scootaloo. “You drank the healing thing, right?”

She looked at a couple fun magical alchemy potions and noticed that the bottle with the clear liquid was full instead of the bottle with the clear liquid.

“Crap.”

Zecora carried Scootaloo uphill through the snow to the normal hospital.

“Holy Magikarp, Zecora?”

“Can you fix the Scootaloo on my back?”

“I can tell a doctor to do it.”

“That’s what I mean.”

MEANWHILE AT SWEET APPLE ACRES!

“Do ya realahse what this means?” Apple Bloom said to Sweetie Belle between sips of soft (hopefully) cider.

“Scootaloo might be dead or something and we should be worried? Because we already covered that.”

“Exactly, but how are we gonna do the BallX game without ‘er?”

“Can we bring in a different pony?”

“No.”

“Then what can we do? Lose by default?”

“There’s not much Ah can—”

The phone rang and Applejack immediately bolted down the stairs. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle continued to stare at each other, each expecting the other to say something.

“Apple Bloom,” Applejack said. Interestingly, Apple Bloom came down and got the phone.

“Hello?” Apple Bloom said.

“Hey, Apple Bloom,” said Pinkie Pie. “You should know that since the BallX field’s gonna be snowed over for a while and with all the unicorns and shovel-owners in Ponyville having more important things to do, the game’s gonna be postponed until the snow melts.”

“Really? That’s awe—er, Ah mean aww, that sucks.”

“Welps, unless somepony decides they care about a random BallX game in the next before the snow melts, that’s how it is. Bye!”

“Bah.”

They both hung up.

“Ah need to know all the details ah your lahfe,” Applejack said.

“The BallX game’s gettin’ delayed.”

“Ah know, Rainbow told me.”

“Whah di’int y’ tell me?”

“‘Cause Ah ain’t gonna give the enemy all that information.”

“‘Kay... Ah’mma go back upstairs now.”

“Me too.”

“Will she be all right?” Zecora said to a random nurse.

“She should be out in two weeks.”

“All right.”

“Aren’t ya usually gone bah this tahme?”

“But I love you and I wanna do anythin’ you want.”

“Marshmallows?”

“No.”

“But that’s all ah feel lahke.”

“So do you want me to leave or not?”

“Go.”

Rainbow left the building and Applejack slammed her door in both ways.

“Ah regret mah decision.”

Big Mac knocked Applejack’s door. Not like that.

“What?” Applejack said.

“I gave the prisoners soup—”

“You what?! Big Mac, Ah can’—”

“Listen. I gave the prisoners soup, but it was cold. Not cooled down, I had it in the fridge.”

“Oh, that’s what that was about... ‘kay.”

“You could see how confused and surprised and saddened each one of them was when they took their first bite and it was fridge-cold... I feel sort of evil, actually.”

“You can’t let yourself think that, Big Mac. They trespass an’ clop to you, so we keep ‘em in ‘til we feel lahke it.”

“I just feel sometimes we’re overreacting a little.”

“Don’ be ridiculous....”

Big Mac went to his room and spent the rest of the day watching Minecraft videos.

“Need ta end ahn somethin’ all climactic...” Applejack said. “Ah know, Ah can talk about the weather! Wait, that’s climatic. But, uh... this show’s mane characters don’ ‘ave very good criminal records. Twahlaht’s a rapist, Rainbow’s a thief, Ah’m a foalnapper, some ah Pinkie’s pranks haven’ been so legal... so there you go.”

Chapter 162: The Penultimate Chapter

“So,” I detect you are wondering, “Will this chapter’s dialogue be effusive or very effusive? I will read it and discover the answer!”

Well, reader, I can tell you that the answer is effusive, because it’s a Zecora/Apple Bloom chapter, and they don’t have a relationship in this. Apple Bloom was about to take her first step down the Sweet Apple Acres stairs when she got a sudden feeling of dread and pessimism.

“Mmmmkay,” Apple Bloom said, “Ah know Ah’m gonna fall down these stairs, so Ah gotta minimahse the damage as much as possible. So if Ah step lahke this....”

She slowly stepped on the centre of the top stair and didn’t fall.

“‘Kay, so then this....”

She took her second step and didn’t fall.

“An’ this... an’ this....”

It literally took a minute, but she made it all the way down the stairs without injury.

“Ah... Ah did it! w00taronis! Take that, fate! Tahme ta get mah breakfast without dahin’.”

She made her way to the kitchen and grabbed an apple from a random basket which, despite being animated, was orange. The apple was orange, not the basket.

“Wm,” Apple Bloom said because she was carrying an apple in her mouth. She went back to the bottom of the stairs and put the apple down on the floor.

“Ah get it now,” she said. “This is where Ah’m gonna fall. Y’know, Ah think Ah’ll just eat the apple raht here, then go back upstairs. ‘Cause Ah’ll be able ta cahncentrate without the apple in mah mouth an’ then Ah’ll win. Yeah.”

She sat down against a wall and started eating the apple. About halfway through, a mystery pony knocked the front door.

“Nope,” Apple Bloom said, “Not gonna answer it.”

Applejack went to the top of the stairs and saw Apple Bloom.

“Hey, you wanna get the door?” Applejack said.

“Fahne.” She put the apple down and opened the door. It was Diamond Tiara, who hit her with an asymmetrically-weighted bar made of a sophisticated iron-chrome-carbon alloy.

“Big Mac!” Applejack said as she ran down the stairs, not tripping and dying.

Diamond Tiara hit Applejack in the knee, causing her to back up a couple steps. Big Mac came down some of the steps but stopped near the bottom.

“You’re good at maths,” Applejack said, “Think of a plan.”

“Charge.”

Diamond put the bar in her mouth and ran for it, but two healthy ponies in their late teens were somehow faster than a foal who only ever walked to go to and from school. Big Mac fairly effortlessly, even with a hoof, grabbed her right hindleg, causing her to stop moving and her knee to be dislocated from the sudden stoppage. Applejack tore the bar from her mouth and knocked her out before she could even try to beg for mercy. Big Mac stopped holding her.

“What should we do ‘bout Apple Bloom?” Applejack said.

“She’s hurt in any way, so take her to Zecora.”

“You take ‘er to Zecora, Ah’ll take out one ah Dahmond’s teeth.”

“Why?”

“Jus’ ‘cause it’s a small permanent injury. Good li’l’ warnin’.”

“Zecora has things for new teeth.”

“Really? Dammit....”

Big Mac set off for Zecora.

“Hmm...” Applejack said. “If she can get ‘em back....”

She took all of Diamond’s teeth out with a few hits from the bar, also giving her a broken jaw purely by accident from her wild swinging. With her now bleeding heavily from the mouth plus the whole knee thing, Applejack decided to take her to Zecora since it would be really lame if not one of the CMC killed her.

The journeys began to be had, and the interesting part was Applejack catching up to Big Mac halfway there.

“AJ?” Big Mac said. “What are—oh, because of the leg—what happened to her face?”

“Yeah, Ah kinda... er... Ah figured if she could get her teeth back, then....”

Big Mac didn’t respond.

They made it there uneventfully. Not my fault.

“Knock the door,” Applejack said.

“You do it.”

“You knock it.”

Big Mac gazed at her with wide, serious eyes. If that doesn’t sound so bad, imagine him next to you doing that right now.

“Crap, okay, Ah’ll do it.”

She did the bog standard double-knock, but there was no answer.

“Mellow yellow?” Applejack said.

Silence.

“What should we do?” she said to Big Mac since apparently she can’t make decisions today.

“Wait.”

“That’s uncreative.”

“So is baking a cake without plutonium.”

“Hey, that was tasty.”

Ten minutes later...

“An’ the fence fell over!” Applejack said. Big Mac laughed for a few seconds.

“I picked the right time to restart buying Amnesia Juice™,” Fluttershy said. She took a bottle by the couch and drank about two hundred millilitres of it. The drink inside, not the bottle.

Zecora came into view and within seconds was within talking without raised voices distance.

“Another Apple Bloom/Diamond Tiara battle, I see?”

“Not really,” Applejack said, “Apple Bloom lost then we beat the shit outta ‘er.”

“Apple Bloom?”

“Dahmond Tiara.”

“Oh. Come in.”

They all went in.

“Now drop the fillies on the ground and leave. Did either of you bring any mon... eyve...?”

They dropped the fillies on the ground.

“Ah sure didn’t,” said Applejack. “Big Mac?”

“Eenope.”

“Well, one of you bring a few hundred bits and come back.”

Applejack looked at Big Mac.

“Do I have to do everything today?” he said. “Catch Diamond, carry Apple Bloom, be uncreative, now this....”

“It’ll make ya look good in front ah Fluttershah,” Applejack made up just then. “Y’know, prolly.”

“That was just a crush.”

“Well, now you can make it a mutual crush.”

“That doesn’t make any—”

“Somepony go,” Zecora said.

Big Mac rolled his eyes and left.

“I got this from S-tonia,” Zecora said about some random bottle. We wanted to show Big Mac at the housebarn, but he wasn’t saying stuff due to being Big Mac.

“You’ve been there?” Applejack said.

“It isn’t far. Haven’t you ever been outside of Equestria?”

“No.”

Zecora didn’t respond.

“Sorry, but Ah’ve jus’ never needed to.”

“I once went to another country without needing to from a family holiday.”

“So you’re all travelled, big deal, you don’t need to be a Rarity about it.”

“I’m not, I just—”

“Well, some of us have families to feed. Or somethin’. Ah don’t care.”

Eventually, after some nervous sweat-inducing surgery but mostly magic plants, Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara were fully healed but unconscious.

“They gonna wake up any tahme soon?”

“In a few minutes. If Big Mac doesn’t come back here, though, I’ll rip his—”

There was a knock, answered by Applejack.

“Hey, Big Mac.”

Big Mac was wearing a bag thing. “I have the money.”

“Excellent,” Zecora said.

They spent a few minutes just waiting.

“You ponies took me to Zecora?” Diamond Tiara said.

“The agreement’s that you don’t kill each other, raht?” Applejack said.

“Not until the other two teammates are dead.”

“So we di’nt wanna kill you.”

“But you’re not really going to escort me safely back to my house.”

“Yeah, we are.”

“I’m sceptical.”

“Well, it’s your only choice.”

They set off.

“I remain sceptical,” Diamond Tiara said ten metres later.

“You won’ need to be if you shut up,” Applejack said.

After many moons, and by after many moons, I mean we should fuck, they made it to the Rich courtyard with zero notable things happening.

“Now you’re about to hurt me.”

They made it to the front door.

“Ah hate the colour ah this door,” Applejack said.

Big Mac kicked the door so hard it made an audible noise. They heard hoofsteps coming towards the door, but who would it be? Scootaloo? An axe-murderer? Scootaloo, who had recently become an axe-murderer? Rainbow Dash? Triple Treat? Jeremy from science? Filthy Rich? Actually, it was none of those.

“Welcome,” Filthetta Rich said. “I see you’ve returned, Diamond.”

“The attack didn’t go as I planned.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Please, come in.”

Diamond came in.

“Good-bye,” Filthetta said.

“Bye,” all three of the Apples said in perfect harmony.

And the door was shut.

“Guess we go back now,” Apple Bloom said.

“It’s tahmes lahke this Ah wish Ah was a unicorn,” Applejack said. “Also when Ah’m tired an’ apple-buckin’.”

“Do you wish you were a unicorn?” Big Mac said.

“Well, no, it’s just... sometahmes magic seems so convenient an’ easy an’ stuff.”

They all went back together on Segways.

Chapter 162: VAGUELY UNSETTLING ALLCAPS QUESTION?

“Iz teh FINAL COUNTDOWNZ!” Spike badly karaoked. There is some context to this: Pinkie Pie, Spike, and Apple Bloom were at Pinkie Pie’s flat-esque group of rooms having a party exclusive to anyone who had no strands of fanciness. There is some context to this: the party was for New Year’s Eve. It was actually the 30th, but they planned to sleep then restart the party at whenever they felt like it on the actual New Year’s Eve when they got tired.

“It’s not gonna be the real final countdown until almost thirty hours later,” Pinkie said.

“Yeah, but you know what they say,” Apple Bloom said.

“All toasters toast toast?”

“Well, they do say that, but that’s not really what Ah meant.”

“Who are they?”

“Cue PnF reference.”

“Good point.”

“When does the fahnal countdown actually start?”

“Uhhh....”

“Y’ don’ ‘no’?”

“I do not know.”

“Do either of you know any of the lyrics besides ‘it’s the final countdown’?” Spike said.

“Nuppers,” Pinkie said.

“There’re other lyrics?” Apple Bloom said.

Meanwhile, Appledash sex, with Rainbow thinking about how she didn’t even have sex without at least some D/S element anymore. People who only play modded Minecraft understand. What’s up, Twilight?

“I heard Sugarcube Corner is going to get a ‘savoury delivery’.”

“And where did you hear this from?”

“A commercial for the episode.”

“I see.”

“Hey, voice coming from the ceiling?”

“Yes?”

“Who are you?”

“I am Lauren Faust.”

“You sound more masculine than I’d expect.”

“Fine, I’m camerapony #1.”

“So that’s basically whah Ah think we shouldn’t ‘ave any social welfare,” Apple Bloom said.

“Uh...” Pinkie said, “Yeah... no....”

Silence.

“Syue...” Apple Bloom said, “Politics....”

“I’m gonna get more food stroke beverages,” Spike outformed. see what i did there lololololol

“You and your freakin’ arms,” Pinkie said.

“And thumbs.”

“Fuck you and fuck anything with arms or opposable thumbs.”

“That’s racist.”

“Get the fuckin’ nourishment.”

“I feel like doing something I don’t want to for my girlfriend,” Zecora said. “If only I had a girlfriend... and that girlfriend was Fluttershy... then she wouldn’t be the type to force me to do things... fuck. So whatever happens, that won’t happen.” She sighed. “Rainbow Dash, now Big Mac... but not me. I feel depressed and unloved. Wait a minute, if I feel depressed and unloved, I can write songs and poetry really well! But now I’m happy. That makes me sad. Wait a minute, if I’m sad—”

“I’m gonna teleport over there and knock some sense into ‘er,” Pinkie said.

“You’re an earth pony,” Spike said.

“That’s what you think, isn’t it?”

“‘Cause it’s true.”

“Oh yeah?”

Pinkie breathed in, tightly closed her eyes, and contracted her leg muscles.

“What are you doing?”

Pinkie undid all of those things. “I thought maybe if I concentrated hard enough, I could teleport.”

“Have you been watching too much Beta-Y Forayers?”

“You know, that reminds me of my 4st 4ay into 4tress 4mers when I had just 4med my original 4t. It was the fourth of April and right off the bat, I rather 4tuitously found a 4t of someone so n00bish that even I, with my paltry sixteen soldiers, could beat them. I was so awesome that they rage4feited halfway through the battle, and I 4ged all sorts of things from their re4ces. Then some pony who’d been playing 4 like four years just happened upon my two 4ts and pwned me.”

“That sucks,” Apple Bloom said.

“It was a 4filling four hours even if statistically it was a 4gettable per4mance. My second emπre is the one I still have today.”

“Maybe Ah should trah it out sometahme.”

“You should. You’ll either play it 4 four days or get addicted 4 life, you don’t know ‘til you try.”

“Y’mean four days after Ah trah?”

“Don’t be all smart. Hey, where’s Spike?”

“He left a fourth ah the way through your speech ta get the drinks ‘n’ stuff.”

“Oh. What’s taking him so longly?”

“Ah guess he’s gettin’ more ResinPow.”

“Oh yeah, you must be right. That’s way in the back of the fridge.”

“Carry the half...” Zecora said, “Power of 5i+2... subtract zero, take the fourth root... okay, so I need ten more Lunar Needles. But I don’t have time to go to Barillan Imports. But then how am I supposed to make Lunar Needle Stew without Lunar Needles? I could just substitute—no, no, I have to have some fucking standards. Some standards. I won’t attract Fluttershy by swearing.”

“Faw...” Fluttershy said whilst eating some Exclusive Disjunctionville brand popcorn. “Fe gares abou’ meh obinions. T’ wa—weh—” she took a bottle of Amnesia Juice she had by the couch and drank some of it to aid not choking, which thankfully worked, then she took a few seconds to breathe. “What was I talking about?”

“And he said ‘oh, the left hose’!” Spike said.

Pinkie Pie and Apple Bloom broke into hysterical laughter for several seconds.

“Okay, I’ve got one,” Pinkie asserted without evidence. “A swan in a duck pond swims over to a pigeon at the shore...”

There was a loud thump from downstairs.

“I’ll get it,” Pinkie said, “You have sex or something.”

She went out to the stairs.

“You’re, lahke, the exact oppahsite ah who Ah wanna ‘ave sex with,” Apple Bloom said.

“Right back at ya.”

Downstairs existed a package, Derpy Hooves, and a clipboard with a pen on top of the package. There were only so many things that could mean, and so Pinkie and signed there, there, and put her surname there. Derpy put the clipboard and pen into a bag and left.

“SpiiiIIIiiike!” Pinkie said.

Spike ran down the stairs so quickly that he tripped and broke seventeen bones, except what actually happened was him not tripping and he was fine.

“What?”

“There’s a box and I’m not a unicorn and you have arms.”

“Fine.”

They went upstairs with Spike carrying the box, as opposed to Opal or her evil twin Jade. They entered the entry/living room of Pinkie’s place.

“Needle,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi,” Pinkie and Spike said.

“How are we gonna open this?” Pinkie said. “It’s all taped and I don’t have scissors because I have hooves. Actually, I have a knife in the kitchen that might—”

Spike cut it open with a claw.

“That’s cool too.”

He opened the box. Inside was another box, this second box more of a light, cardboard-esque brown as opposed to the hot pink of the outside box. It featured the same tape challenge, which Spike met with the same solution. Inside the box was a plastic container, exactly sixteen centimetres long and wide and four deep. The interesting part was the contents, what looked like some tightly-packed pulled meat, because that’s what it was. Also important were a jaggedly-cut piece of paper taped to the container and a plastic fork.

Spike took the tape off and unfolded the paper which, by the way, was folded in half.

“Dear Spike (Not Spike? Log in as a different user here), I along with some of my friends were working together to kill a particularly pesky pony who said Big Mac sucked. I’ll spare you the details, but we decided that the best method of execution was to slow cook her alive. Most of the body was donated to Zecora since she had informed us she needed a ‘mostly intact’ dead pony for something, but we decided to gift a little bit to you for your consumption. I know it’s cold, but pony meat is apparently okay cold according to some site I found. Also, our burnt cyan’s been terrible and I got the place, which is cool. I just hope I don’t get overly obsessed with the club and forget that Big Mac is what’s really important, it’s happened to a lot of ponies. Platonic love, Butterscotch,” he read.

“That’s kinda strange,” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah...” Pinkie said.

Spike tried to open the lid, but rolled a 1 and scratched himself in the forehead.

“Um...” Pinkie said, “I’ll get some bandages.”

She ran to the bathroom, wet a towel, got a box of Band-Aid® brand adhesive bandages and the wet towel in her mouth, and ran back.

“Uh... this, uh,” she said as she cleaned up the blood, “Band-Aids... hooves....”

“I can do it,” Spike said, “I’m not four.”

He opened the box with the power of digits, unwrapped a Band-Aid® with the power of digits, and applied the bandage without incident.

“You good?” Pinkie said.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll put this stuff back—well, I won’t put the towel in the same place—but you open the box.”

“Yeah.”

He took off the lid without Pinkie Pie there to watch and took the fork.

“I don’t know...” he said, looking at the fork for a second before turning back to the food. “I’m not sure how I feel about eating pony... ponies are intelligent enough that eating them would feel kinda wrong. And I’ve only eaten meat three times in my whole life anyway.”

Pinkie came back just in time for the list.

“What three tahmes?” Apple Bloom said.

“What three times?” Pinkie said.

“Spahke’s eaten meat three tahmes ever.”

“The first was the chicken accident, but I’m not supposed to go into detail about that. Then there was this time I was on a minor adventure with Twilight to get a thing for Zecora. You know, that was the only time Zecora ever gave us anything in return for getting stuff for her... uh, besides repeatedly saving our lives, of course. Anyway, we got lost at night and I got hungry—”

“Ah know Ah’m interruptin’,” Apple Bloom said, “But this all seems lahke it’d make a good narrated flashback.”

“Fine.”

“I still need five and a quarter beigeberries,” Zecora said.

“Can’t you go on the quest yourself?” Twilight said.

“I’ll give you a life-size cardboard cutout of Rainbow Dash I’ve been meaning to get rid of.”

“Where should we go?”

“Go in the same direction you came from—forwards, not back—until you see a tie-dye bush. It’ll take about an hour there and back if you don’t get lost.”

“Will any spooky creatures of the night attack us?”

“Not if you don’t get lost.”

MAYBE AROUND FORTY-FIVISH MINUTES LATER!

“It’s been at least half an hour,” Twilight said. “Do you think we went the wrong way?”

“All we have to do is go straight, right?” Spike said.

“Have we been going straight, though?”

“I dunno... wait, I dunno? Shit, we are lost.”

“When do we think we deviated?”

“I don’t know.”

“Let’s try to retrace our steps and maybe we’ll find out.”

They tried that for a few minutes, it wasn’t exciting, until Twilight recognised a thing.

“I remember that,” Twilight said, pointing to a littered I Grew Up with Cards What the Fuck is This Life Tile Shit wrapper. “And then before that we went around that stream and... oh, okay, so let’s go back there and go straight.”

“RAWRZ!” the lion of a chimaera said, jumping in front of them from behind a bush and looking all threatening and scary.

“Baaa!” the goat part said.

Twilight responded by teleporting her and Spike away to the stream she mentioned. Besides the stream, it looked just like the rest of the forest.

“Sigh of relief,” Twilight said.

“Twilight?” Spike said.

“What?” She turned around to face Spike. “What’s wrong?”

“Look.”

He extended his left arm out and Twilight looked at his hand for a moment. The main thing to notice was the claws, which all had their distal halves missing.

“Your claws?” Twilight said.

“Yeah.”

“Sorry. I was doing it a bit hastily since....”

“I still hate you.”

“Fine. I hate you too.”

River flowing sound.

“I want you to like me,” Twilight said.

“We can like each other again.”

“Thank you.”

And so after that, they made it to the beigeberry bush just fine.

“And that’s six,” Twilight said.

“And now you can teleport us back,” Spike said whilst doing a handstand.

“We have to walk back.”

“We do? Fuck a bacterium.”

TWENTY MINUTES LATER!

“You know what, Twilight?”

“Why are you talking to yourself?”

“I don’t recognise this place at all.”

“Are you trying to tell me or....”

“What do you think, Spike? Are we lost again?”

Spike looked in a few random directions. “I don’t know, you know everything betterly then i do.”

“Baaa!” a process yellow-wooled sheep said.

“Huh?” Twilight and Spike both said, both looking behind them, then at each other.

“What’s your opinion on this sheep?” Twilight said.

“Opinion?” He paused for a second. “Um, I’m kinda hungry.”

“I’ll kill the sheep for you.”

“Baaa?”

Twilight killed the sheep by electrocution.

“I bet she didn’t expect that,” Spike said.

“What? Wait, oh. I hate you.”

“Okay,” Pinkie said, “So we get how it happened. Two questions: what was the third time and why were you talking in third person the entire time?”

“The third time was this time where I was trying to show how tough and willpowery I was....”

“Oh yeah?” said a stallion with an unkempt beard, who sounded a little hoarse as he gazed widely down at Spike. “If you’re so tough, then kill and eat that bunny.”

“I see,” Pinkie said. “So is this gonna be the fourth time or not?”

“Um...” Spike took the container. “Well, I have to try it before I decide I don’t like it, right?”

“You don’t have to eat it.”

“But then I’ll feel all ungrateful for a gift.”

“Then eat it.”

Spike scooped a bit of the pulled pony and took a bite.

“Holy crap,” Spike didn’t give any real information.

“Ya just ate pony an’ ya feel awful?” Apple Bloom said.

“That’s really good.”

“Oh.”

“You know, I think I should go down a slippery slope and take up killing stuff for fun.”

“Well, who’s a pony we don’ lahke? ‘Sahdes Rarity since the universe’ll explode if she dahs.”

“I like Rarity....”

“Ah think you should kill Twist or Silver Spoon.”

“Why not Diamond Tiara?”

“‘Cause we agreed ta not kill each other.”

“Why does that prevent me from—”

“‘Cause Ah’ll kill ya. But seriously, you should kill one of ‘em. Or both. Whichever.”

“We should ask them a series of trivia questions and kill the loser.”

“Sounds good to me. Who’s gonna ask the questions, and bah ‘who’, Ah mean ‘Pinkie Pah’.”

“I’d be happy,” Pinkie said.

“Then we’ll do it tomorrow. You’ll feel lahke it tomorrow, right, Spahke?”

“Why would I know?”

“Never mahnd. We’ll do it when we both feel lahke it.”

“Well, I’m gonna eat the rest of this. I don’t care if you ponies get freaked out.”

A longer silence happened, then there was just some Verenhimo!, so here’s Appledash dialogue.

“Rainbow?” Applejack, lying on the bed, said to an unconscious/dead-looking Rainbow Dash on the floor. “You okay? Did Ah throw ya too hard there?”

She continued being immobile.

“Er....” Applejack got off the bed and took a closer look at her. “Rainbow? Ah’m serious, lahke, completely outta character for a moment, are you okay.”

She still didn’t answer her, which was rude.

“Fuck. Uh... guess Ah can... fuck. Well, she’ll wake up, that’s what always happens. Should prolly put ‘er on the bed....”

Being a ungulate quadruped, lifting something of equal weight to her was trivial.

“Well, that was easy. Uh, should Ah put the blanket over ‘er? No, then Ah’ll get carried away an’ start puttin’ all sorts ah shit on... no, Ah won’t. Ah have self-control. Not like, uh... Twahlaht. Yeah, lahke her.”

THE NEXT DAY!

Pinkie woke up on the living room floor, got up, and noticed that Spike was also asleep on a different part of the same floor. After morning stuff, she was awake enough to notice something strange: it was raining pancakes. It wasn’t actually happening, she was just awake enough to notice it if it did. Curious as to where Apple Bloom was but forgetting to talk to herself about it, she opened the bedroom door and saw Apple Bloom sitting on the bed eating an apple.

“Hey, Pinkie,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi. Where’d you get that apple?”

“Around.”

“Where did you get that apple?”

“Y’know, round.”

“Just a second.”

Pinkie went to her room she called a kitchen, though we both know that’s being pretty generous, grabbed the single most threatening-looking weapon in her possession, a KitchenAid® steak knife, held it with her teeth so she could walk, and went back, all in one sentence.

“Straw,” Apple Bloom said. “Whatcha got that ‘nife for?”

Pinkie walked up to the bed and took the knife with a hoof. “If you don’t tell me where you got that apple, I’m gonna stab you.”

“You’re way too nahce to go around stabbin’ fillies.”

“Remember the big prank of November 2011?”

“Fluttershah prolly don’t.”

“lol. But seriously, tell me.”

“Ah stole it from your, er... ‘kitchen’.”

“See? That wasn’t so hard.”

Pinkie left the room, put the knife back, made sure the transcriber hadn’t written any specifics about her kitchen, and wondered what to do now.

A few minutes later, something rare happened: Rainbow Dash woke up before Applejack.

“Something feels wrong...” Rainbow said immediately after she woke up. She rolled over. “Oh. Well, that’s weird.”

The morning went by with nothing of note happening, because do you care about New Year’s Eve until a few hours before the new year? Exactly. So Appledash, Twilight’s by herself, Pinkie/Spike/Apple Bloom... the only mane character left is Zecora. Speaking of Twilight’s by herself, what is she doing? I bet she’s clopping. Oh, she is clopping? Damn, okay. What about you, Zecora?

“What about you, Zecora?” camerapony #1 said.

“These philters are still for science. I swear on my left legs. Besides, if I wanted to be evil and do something to Fluttershy, I could’ve already. In fact, I could do something to pretty much... anyone....” She paused for a second. “They’re all at my mercy... the power....”

She grabbed a random bottle and stared at it with a rape face for a couple seconds, then shook her head and went back to normal and put the bottle back.

“Just a minute,” she said, “I need to kill something.”

She went outside and scanned along the ground for something. It was kind of like using a metal detector, except it only took three seconds and it was motivated by bloodlust instead of money. Anyway, she crushed a firefly on the ground.

“That should do.”

Big Mac knocked the famous Door of the Room of Applejack Apple, as its official name was. He didn’t get a response.

“I’m leaving,” he said, his creamy voice somehow able to break through the door.

Applejack came for the door. Of course, for all he knew, it could’ve been his evil twin Fleetwood Mac, who got in the room without him knowing. Until the door was opened, of course.

“What’re you leavin’ for?”

“Flutter—”

“You can’t go on another Fluttershah crush at the same tahme she’s goin’ on a you crush! You’ll get together!”

“So?”

“So it’ll either last two days an’ it’ll be the worst relationship ever or it’ll last two years ah foalin’ yourselves an’ it’ll be the worst relationship ever.”

“It’s possible it’ll just work.”

“It won’t work ‘cause ah what Ah just said. You’re just both feelin’ temporary short-lived stuff at the same tahme.”

“I’m going there and you can’t stop me.”

“Ah could totally stop you.”

“Then do it.”

“But Ah’ve got a Rainbow to fuck.”

“Then I’m leaving.”

“Good. Ah was only with ya for the sex anyway.”

“We were never—”

Applejack slammed the door.

“Okay....”

“Hope that didn’t annoy you too much,” Applejack said.

“Can I dominate for once?”

“No.”

“You sort of cheated on me with Big Mac and I was the one who made the confession.”

“Still no.”

“It’s been forever since—”

“Ah don’t care.”

“I don’t care.”

“We could just do equal stuffs. Been forever since we’ done that.”

“I guess....”

Rangewhile, Big Mac was walking uphill in 42cm-deep snow. He had a coat and a cap, but nothing to protect his legs. Besides the fur, of course. You know, that reminds me of a joke: what do FIFA, the phrase “finger-lickin’ good”, and invisible zeppelins all have in common? They’re in this joke. But after much hardship, and by hardship I mean occasionally having to be careful on ice, he made it to Fluttershy’s.

“Hello,” and it’s a very conservative opening from Fluttershy here.

“Hi. I was thinking about how at Faustmas we were wishing we could do something, and the same thing is happening here, and you’ve been doing a terrible job of hiding that you love me, so I came over here.”

“Well... I didn’t expect this....”

“Then I’ll leave.”

“No, I didn’t mean I don’t want you here, I’m just... surprised. In a good way, not a bad way. Did I make it sound like it was in a bad way?”

“Eeyup.”

“Well, come in.”

Big Mac left and Fluttershy forgot to close the door.

“You shouldn’t have gone out of your way to do this,” Fluttershy gets into the self-abasement quite early.

“I know this seems random, but we need to formally resolve whether or not we love each other.”

“We could just do this as friends.”

“Lonely friends looking for love who have everything in common.”

“But friends.”

“Did you just make a joke?”

“I guess I did... you know, it felt kind of odd....”

“Should we sit?”

“I didn’t plan to be standing all day—I’m trying to be funny again. Should I stop? Is it weird?”

“I could get used to it. Assuming you actually be funny.”

They went on the television-facing couch together.

“So to what will we be up for the next few hours?” Pinkie Pie said to her partymates over some Cyrillic letter-shaped pasta.

“Wiiing,” Spike said. “We’re juvenile, we like video games. Crap, I said a dumb stereotype.”

“But you ‘ave fingers,” Apple Bloom said. “That’s an unfair advantage.”

“Did you just say ‘unfair advantage’?” Pinkie said.

“Yeah, so?”

“So that’s weirder than superconductors.”

“Well, if it’s any consolation—”

“Consolation? You’re Apple Bloom!”

“But anyway, if it makes up for anythin’, Ah don’t get that superconductor thing ya just said.”

Pinkie rolled her eyes and looked over to Spike. “Do you get it?”

“I’m Spike.”

Pinkie sighed.

“Rainbow has better things to do than me,” Twilight said. “Even Spike has better things to do than me... even Fluttershy has better things to do than me... hey, I wonder how Scootaloo’s doing. And having her for a day would make me feel all moral! It’s a win... win-win? Or just a win? Well, Scootaloo wins too. So two wins.”

Twilight thought about walking, then decided that she didn’t want to deal with the snow that no one had bothered to shovel, vehicle, or magic somewhere else.

“Scootaloo?”

Scootaloo, in her box on top of the snow, overturned it and took her head out of her curled for warmth position. “Twilight?”

“Rainbow won’t be with me for New Year’s and Spike won’t be with me either, so I was wondering if you wanted to be with me.”

“I’ll be with anypony if they’ll give me shelter.”

“Sounds good.”

Twilight teleported herself, Scootaloo, and Scootaloo’s friend Caramel Corn who’s been alongside her in all her appearances but never mentioned, accidentally deexisting Caramel Corn in the process.

“What are you typing about?” transcriber #1 said. “There was never any ‘Caramel Corn’.”

“Uh...” transcriber #2 said, “I have a... you know... thing.”

“Next you’re going to tell me you’re the one who’s been putting all that shit in about pancakes.”

“Uhhh....”

“Oh, for... can’t you just narrate like a normal pony?”

“That thing with the pancake on Spike’s head happened, though.”

“I know, I’m asking you what all the random irrelevant references are about.”

“Well, somepony has to make the comedy fic funny. And fail, but still, at least I’m trying.”

“You think I don’t try to be funny? They didn’t hire me for no reason, you know.”

“They hired you because you were willing to work for less than anypony else.”

“And because I had that closed captioning experience.”

“Hey,” Twilight said, “We’re about to have some dialogue here.”

“They still wouldn’t’ve taken you without the wage thing.”

“They wouldn’t have taken me with no résumé.”

They were in the entry place, incidentally.

“I assume you want food or something?” Twilight said.

“Something warm and some water.”

“I’ll make some gNeric soup, sound good?”

“How is that different from generic soup?”

“It has noodles.”

“I see. But yeah, that’s good.”

“You’re not sick of it?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“No, I have bad grammar.”

“Okay.”

“Whatcha lookin’ in there for?” Applejack said as Rainbow opened the wardrobe door.

“I’m gonna whip you and you’re gonna like it.”

“Don’ do it.”

“But—”

“Come back ‘ere.”

“Fine.” Rainbow went back on the bed. “Just won’t rape you.”

“You can force mah head into your genitals, how’s about that.”

“By force, do you mean force, like I can rape you?”

“Sure.”

“Okay.”

“I wonder what would happen if I drank this and looked at myself via a sufficiently reflective surface,” Zecora said. “But one thing I can know without testing is that nothing would happen to Rarity.”

There was no dialogue between Big Mac and Fluttershy, shippy or otherwise, although Fluttershy did have a kind of “I want to physically contact you but I’m too shy” look. Still, it wasn’t enough of a reason to not just skip to Party In4mal’s turn.

“Wait, In4mal?” Apple Bloom said. “Y’said this was Party Informal. F-O-R.”

“Well, what I definitely didn’t do was bribe one of the transcribers,” Pinkie said.

“Lemme guess, ya paid transcrahber #4 four bits?”

“I’m not tellin’ you who it was. Wait, tellin’? Are you infectin’ me?”

“Ah dunno, maybe. But if you ain’t gonna tell me who it was, Ah’ll just kill ‘em all.”

“How?”

“With a weapon.”

“You do know that transcriber #3 can kill you with magic, right?”

“Tell me who it was.”

“Never.”

“Then the hahest-numbered transcrahber here’s gonna dah. Ah’ll be back from your ‘kitchen’ in just a minute.”

Apple Bloom left for the kitchen-esque area.

“Typy?” transcriber #ω1 said, looking at transcriber #3 in sort of a wide-eyed pleading way.

“Yeah?” said transcriber #3, who kept looking at her laptop.

“You’re gonna defend me, right?”

“Yeah.”

Apple Bloom came back with a different but still good as weaponry steak knife in her mouth.

“Fn,” she threatened. “F—”

She dropped the knife, letting transcriber #3 magic it to herself.

“Y’know what?” Apple Bloom said with a rare adverb. “This ain’t workin’. Maybe Ah just won’ be an insane hostage-killin’-esque-tahpe pony.”

“Good 4 you,” Pinkie said.

“I can’t believe you ate the entire pot already,” Twilight said. “The soup in it, rather, not the actual pot. That would be crazy.”

“I might eat the pot. It’s got iron.”

“lol. So do you like the book room?”

“I guess this applies to the rest of your house too, but you overbooked.”

“We’ll manage.”

“Ah love how ya raped me an’ stuff,” Applejack said.

“I can’t believe you actually thought I was gonna let you go there.”

“Well, you knew Ah was gonna like it.”

“Yeah. Um, sorry if this is a stupid question, but how are you standing on the ceiling?”

After much (more boring) talking, eating, Verenhimo!, and exclusive to the Appledash times, sex, it was time for the big awesome minute before 2013 final paragraphs ever. Really, don’t worry about it.

“It’s fifty-nine—fifty-eight seconds before 2013!” Pinkie said. “Okay, there are a bunch of time zones where it’s already 2013, and even after this there’ll still be a bunch where it’s not, but for us, 2013!”

“Ah’m gettin’ excahted whether it means tahme zones or the arbitrariness of when a year starts or whatever,” Apple Bloom said.

“Did you just say ‘arbitrariness’?”

“So?”

“Ar... bi... trar... i... ness... that’s five syllables.”

“An’?”

“You’re Apple Bloom.”

“Y’meanin’ to say that Ah talk lahke some sorta idiot?”

“Yes.”

“No matter how admittedly funny mah accent is, Ah don’t talk lahke an idiot.”

“That’s not what your English grades say.”

“Whah would ya know that?”

“Word gets round. Mwahahaha!”

“So what should we do for our final appearance?” Twilight said.

“Shm,” Scootaloo said as she ate some “low-budget pizza”, an Equestrian food which comprises a slice of bread topped with tomato slices and cheese curds.

“We can’t kill Rarity, the universe will explode.”

“I don’t want Rarity to die anyway, that’d be bad for Sweetie Belle.”

“She’d find somepony and they’d be a better guardian anyway.”

“‘Cause that happened for me when my parents died.”

“Fine, you win this round.”

“Maybe I could get Twilight,” Zecora tried to be interesting as she waited for some magic pasta to cook. “Then we could easily take over Ponyville. But how would we take over Ponyville? If there are any ponies to kill because they’re disliked by society, the Big Mac fangirls take care of that, we don’t have the money to just buy everything in the city that’s privately owned, and... um... one of us could run for mayor, I guess, but that isn’t the point. We have to own or control everyone and everything in Ponyville. I’ll see what she thinks.”

“I can’t believe that awesome fight where we slayed that rabid wolf,” Rainbow said.

“An’ when we walked on our front hooves for lahke a minute.”

“We’re amazing that we did those things.”

“Yeah.”

“So it’s the last scene ever.”

“Yep.”

“Who’s gettin’ the last line?”

“Both of us. Ah mean, we trust an’ lahke each other an’ stuff. You’d do anythin’ for me an’ vahce versa, which raht now is givin’ the last lahne.”

“Yeah.”

Silence.

“Anythin’ you wanna contribute?” Applejack said.

“No, I agree with you.”

Silence.

“What should we say?” Applejack said.

“‘Last’?”

“It needs to be somethin’ creative at all.”

“You and Big Mac—”

“You an’ Twahlaht.”

“What?”

“Sorry.”

“We’re both the type to cheat like that.”

“We’re so perfect for each other.”

They hugged.

“What about final?” Rainbow said.

“Ultimate.”

“Postpenultimate.”

“Yeah. Okay, three, two, one...”

“Postpenultimate,” they both said.

CONGLATURATION !!!

YOU HAVE COMPLETED A GREAT FANFIC.

AND PROOVED THE LONELINESS OF ITS WRITER.

NOW GO OUTSIDE !

THE END

Snails’ hoof broke through the ground in front of a gravestone.

THE END...?

Chapter 5: this part

It was a weatherful and sounding day in Placeland, and it was also Pinkie Pie and Rarity’s turn to have a scene.

“Look at this!” Rarity said, showing the script for the next chapter to Pinkie Pie. “Applejack finally gets her appearance, but we still don’t get any screen time!”

“How could they do that?!” Pinkie said.

“I know. We don’t get anything!”

“Wait, look at this!” Pinkie said. She pointed to a spot on the paper which, incidentally, the artist responsible just filled with wavy lines. “It looks like we get time in this part!”

“Well, yes, but it’s pretty short, don’t you think? Compared to what the other four get....”

“Yeah, but it’s something.”

Rarity looked at the next line of the script. It read “You know what? I’m not going to follow whatever this little piece of paper tells me to do.”.

“You know what?” Rarity said. “I’m not going to follow whatever this little piece of paper tells me to do.” She then crumpled up the paper and stomped it into the ground, just as it had predicted.

“You know, the paper thought you were going to try and rebel against it.”

“It did?” She levitated the paper and uncrumpled it to find that Pinkie was right. She had an annoyed look as she read a line reading “[Rarity makes annoyed face at script]”.

“That ‘little piece of paper’ makes you do whatever it wants,” Pinkie said. “You’ll just have to accept it.”

“Do I... do I even have free will, then?”

“Of course you do, offscreen.”

Chapter 1: “It Was a Dark and Stormy Night”, Parentheticals, and More

(Google Docs version)

Never upon a time, because this is fiction and it never actually happened, Rarity was sewing and thinking about the general state of her life. She wished she was more financially secure, and it didn’t go much deeper than that. She loved her job, she loved taking care of her sister, she just wished one poor month with the store didn’t always leave her begging to Applejack. It wasn’t, honestly, a complex web of problems worthy of deep discussion, which she supposed was a good thing. Meanwhile, Twilight was reading a book, and the rest of the group were sleeping.

Starting the first episode of the new show on a dark and stormy night was not the best idea.

Chapter 2: In Which the Characters are Paired Off

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were doing some things in Cloudsdale which were quite routine and not worth going into, when Fluttershy suddenly had a thought. Not anything important, but one of those thoughts you just had to tell someone or you would be incapable of focussing on anything else. However, it was so boring that the transcriber for the text release of the show forgot it midway through typing it and pretended it didn’t happen. Instead, she forged the following conversation, according to Rainbow and Fluttershy.

“Rainbow?”

“Uh-huh?”

“You know how Pinkie Pie and I were the only two who went to the thing yesterday.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, she complained it was too hot. I’ve met her in much worse heat and she’s never said that before.”

“So?”

“So I don’t get why she would do it now.”

“Maybe she was just a bit grumpy. Do you really think it was an impostor or something?”

“No, it was just... weird.”

“Seriously, you’re overanalysing.”

“I know....”

After that conversation came the Twilight/Pinkie Pie segment, which consisted primarily of Twilight telling her to focus for six minutes. It was repetitive. Lastly were Applejack and Rarity, featuring the same fancy and not fancy joke already done in Look Before You Sleep. It was quite monotonous as well.

Chapter 3: This is the Best Chapter, It’s Downhill From Here

On clear nights, Rainbow Dash typically went to Twilight’s for a place to sleep, an arrangement both of them were happy with. They did love spending time with each other, although if either of them admitted just how much to the other, it would potentially mark a significant change in the relationship. Rainbow was chewing a piece of gum, which would be the first and last time she was mentioned to be chewing gum or not in the entire story.

As Rainbow was lying on the lower bunk of the bunkbed, Twilight was sitting on the floor and facing her, in principle because they were talking, although they actually weren’t, with Twilight reading and Rainbow Dash not doing much of anything.

“You got anything to say?” Rainbow said. “For the show?”

“Huh?” She looked up from the book. “No.”

“‘Cause it’s been half an hour since we said anything to each other.”

“You can go if you want.”

“You’re the only one who isn’t busy. And who’s supposed to be making some television material.”

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you. There are no problems in Ponyville to solve.”

“You’re the smart one. You figure it out.”

“You’re the one with nothing to do.”

“Fine. If you want me to leave so badly, I will.”

“Won’t you crash into something? And if not, where will you sleep? That’s why you’re here.”

“I’ll find a place. I have more ponies than you in my life.”

“And I don’t want you to leave anyway.”

“Well, stop acting like it.”

That was the only thing even vaguely usable. After four days, things weren’t looking good.

Chapter 8: Search For Rarity

“Not in her house,” Twilight said. “Well, I give up.”

And so everyone continued the discussion about how many of Pinkie Pie’s legs to chop off.

“Well, Ah think one would be best for a first offence,” Applejack said.

“I was thinking one myself,” Twilight said.

“I would prefer two, but if everypony else wants one, I’m cool with that,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Do we have to chop off any of her legs?” Fluttershy said, questioning if chopping off any of Pinkie Pie’s legs was actually necessary.

“Yes,” Twilight said without really thinking about it.

“Wait, won’t we need some kind of tool to chop her legs off with?” Rainbow said. Pinkie slowly started to sneak away from the group.

“Already covered,” said Applejack as she pulled a circular saw out of hammerspace.

“Hey!” Twilight stated on 8 December 2011. “She’s getting away!”

Hearing this, Pinkie abandoned all effort to be stealthy and started running. Applejack easily caught up and tackled her. Twilight held her down with magic, and Applejack got off and started the saw.

“Wait!” Pinkie said. “Look, I didn’t want to do this! I know it was wrong, but I seriously need the job! Like I was cut off, Sugarcube Corner is going through a rough... patch, maybe... time, and they’ve had to make cuts including my pay, and had I to do something ‘crazy’ to stay on the show. Rainbow was never actually gonna get hurt, and I’m really sorry if she’s traumatised. I know it was bad, but I had to do it, so it was like a... chain of forcing from the executives down to Fluttershy. It’s not my fault.”

Applejack quit her attempts to start the saw. “Well... how traumatahsed are ya, Rainbow Dash?”

“I’m okay. I guess we really don’t have to do anything.”

“Ah’m sawrry we just tried to cut off one of your legs, Pinkie,” Applejack said. “Maybe that’s overreactin’ a bit.”

“No, I’m sorry I tried that. I went way too far, and there are other ways I can be interesting.”

“Hey, Twilight,” Applejack said.

“Yeah?” Twilight said.

“Ah dunno... with an asterisk.”

Twilight broke out into hysterical laughter.

Chapter 12: Pinkie Pie’s Pointless Puerile Pranks Produce Petty Piques

Pinkie Pie preferred one thing to producing pals: putting them off again with practical jokes, particularly passing experiences of paltry pain. The powerfully provoking projects she played on Ponyville were pointedly potent compared to the parallel unproficient pretenders, not that her particular pattern of impropriety was especially prolific. But once every year or so, some pompous pony would appear and put in a predictably pathetic performance.

Today would not be one of those days, just a typical one of Pinkie being “fun”, “wacky”, or “a bit of a prick”, depending on the particular prankee’s personality and perspective. The first part of the programme was to be a pint of pear juice perpetrated on Fluttershy, and at the very point she came outside, it went precisely as planned.

“Is that it?”

“I presume you don’t appreciate the perilous properties of this prank’s production.”

“What do—”

“I had to teach myself to carry and hold cups for extended lengths of time. Just for this. And what do you say? ‘Is that it’. That isn’t it, that’s only the beginning of a glorious new era of liquid-based pranks. Now that I can hold cups without the aid of any tool, just imagine what you’ll be in for.”

“A ponial period of paranoia?”

“Probably.”

“Well, I have to—”

“Procedure purple.”

“What did—” It became apparent that she did indeed say “procedure purple” when fifteen litres of pear juice hit Fluttershy’s head and a bit of her back. She looked up and saw Rainbow Dash with a bucket of the appropriate size. “I just took a shower.”

“Yeah. That’s the whole reason we did it in the morning.”

She looked back at Pinkie Pie. “This isn’t fun.”

“Well, you passed on participating. Remember last week when I asked for help with a prank?”

“Yes.”

“Well, this is your punishment. Next up is Rarity, and she’ll need much more than a shower.”

“What did she do that I didn’t?”

“I dunno, maybe act like Rarity her whole life. Can you really feel—”

Twilight appeared with a magical teleportation sound. “Rarity’s awake.”

“Already? Crap, we better get these refilled. Bye, Fluttershy.”

Twilight teleported herself and the other two somewhere else, and Fluttershy went back inside.

Even without any decent evidence that a prank on her was being planned, Rarity already had a question the instant she turned on her shower.

“Do you have to film me showering?”

“There’s a curtain,” the camerapony said.

“It still feels uncomfortable.”

“You’re acting like you’re from a country where ponies wear clothes all the time.”

“You’re acting like you’re not from a country where showering is something private. I’m in my bathroom so I want some privacy.”

“There’s a curtain.”

“It still feels uncomfortable.”

After a few more cycles, Rarity proceeded with her shower. Unlike the other two subspecies, her experience didn’t involve a dozen different awkward positions and swearwords, and unlike everyone else, it didn’t involve a haunted mirror sending a beam of light into her eyes. She opened the curtain slightly and saw the transcriber levitating it.

“Why are you holding my hoof mirror?”

“I need to see what you’re doing in case something interesting happens.”

“You’ve been watching me?”

“Yeah.”

“But I said—”

“I’m not filming you. It’s just some notes like the kind of shampoo you use and a description of that weird thing you apparently do with a brush.”

She looked at the screen. “Please don’t tell the world about that....”

“I don’t accept bribes.”

“Anyway, you’re making me uncomfortable.”

“You should’ve looked over your contract better.”

“You can’t just take away my right to bathroom privacy—”

“You should’ve looked over Article 6-41.1b and the Reality Show Privacy Act 2009.”

Rarity realised where this was going and continued her shower.

It was finally time. Rarity was about to come outside to take a “closed” sign off the door. She opened the door inwards, took off the sign, and closed it.

“Er...” Pinkie said. “It’s okay, I have a plan.”

She knocked on the door and took a few steps back. Rarity came back and opened it.

“What is it?”

“Over here.”

“Okay....” She came closer. “I have a store to run.”

“Well, maybe you’ve noticed, but I’m holding a cup. Pretty cool, huh?”

“I suppose, but—what was that for?”

“Remember last week when I asked for help with a prank?”

“Yes.”

“Feel pretty stupid now, don’tcha?”

“Is that it?”

She made the speech about the glorious new era again.

“Slightly larger cup-based pranks?”

“Probably.”

“Well, I have to—”

“Procedure purple.”

“What did—” The part of the prank was performed as previously, complete with the victim looking up. “I just took a shower.”

“Yeah. That’s the whole reason we did it in the morning.”

She looked back at Pinkie Pie. “This isn’t fun.”

“Well, this is your partial punishment for not participating in my pranking party this... this... like, a... this... time.”

“Partial?”

“Oh, it’ll get worse.”

“Okay....”

Sweetie Belle was usually home from school by 4:30. It had been an hour since then without her appearing, and Rarity was somewhat worried. She didn’t have any way to know where she was, yet a missing pony report after one hour would be a little extreme. She could call everyone she knew in Ponyville, but Sweetie Belle said she wasn’t going anywhere. That left two possibilities: broken leg and abduction. She heard her phone and went to get it.

“This is the Carousel Boutique.”

“Your sister is Sweetie Belle, right?” said a male voice she didn’t recognise. “White unicorn, filly, pink and purple mane?”

“Yes.”

“I have her.”

“What happened?”

“I foalnapped her.”

“Where are you?”

“Do you have a spare ten thousand bits?”

“No.”

“I stop feeding her in a week. And I think it’s obvious what’ll happen if this makes the news.”

“How will I raise the money without—”

He hung up. Without really having any more information than before, she had to resort to calling everyone she knew.

“Twilight?”

“Yes, this is Twilight—”

“Do you know anything about Sweetie Belle being abducted?”

“No.”

She swiftly moved on to the next pony, and the next, with the same thing every time. No one knew anything, except Pinkie Pie, whose “no” was a complete lie.

In reality, Sweetie Belle was at Pinkie’s flat doing a colouring chapter book. Pinkie was in the living room with her, and despite it already happening, she still hadn’t decided a large aspect of the prank.

“Hey, is there a time you need to be back at Rarity’s? Because I was thinking you’d stay here tonight then go back after school, but I don’t know if that’s okay.”

“That’s good with me.”

“Okay.”

“Twilight?” Rarity said.

“Yes, this is—”

“He wants ten thousand bits for Sweetie Belle, and I can’t—”

“If we give ransomers their money and let them go, that’ll just encourage it.”

“But—”

“Your foal isn’t special.”

Twilight hung up, and Rarity called Applejack, which resulted in the same response word-for-word. Rainbow Dash was homeless and she knew Pinkie Pie wasn’t well off, so they were out, which was fortunate for the prank, since the same sentences in the same tone a third time probably would’ve made her suspicious. But whether it was “well, I don’t really have any money” or an honest “we can’t be enablers”, no one outside of the prank was willing to give a single bit, and Rarity went back to the shop with only the hope that someone rich would come in and buy everything in the store. And even if she did give all her money to this pony, what would keep him from doing the same thing again? Even if she obviously didn’t have money, whoever this pony was clearly liked killing foals. What if he didn’t give her back anyway? No, there are only so many hours in the day, he would just move on to the next one if it was his thing. Right?

“I wish I knew more about what it was like to be a foalnapper,” Rarity said to herself as someone came into the store. “Oh, sorry, there’s context to that.”

The pony didn’t seem to care and started browsing.

Rarity was having breakfast when she got the next call from the mystery pony.

“This is the Carousel Boutique.”

“Do you have ten thousand bits yet?”

“I told you, I don’t have any money. I just spent it all on clothing supplies.”

“You don’t die if you have zero bits.”

“I know. I don’t have ten thousand bits for you.”

He hung up. But Rarity knew what her mission was: to sell enough clothes by next Wednesday to save her sister. Which was always her mission anyway, but she needed some really good sales specifically right now. Over the next several hours, a few ponies came through, but she was having a bad day even by normal standards. But then at 4:34, the most important customer of all came through, and after a while he put a pile of clothes on the desk.

“That’ll be 1,580 bits,” Rarity said after counting the prices up for a minute.

Then after she said that, there was a truly special moment she would never forget: she saw someone use a 500-bit note.

“Fourteen, fifteen, five-six-seven-eight... it looks good. I give you my gramercy for shopping at the Carousel Boutique!”

Shortly after he left, Pinkie Pie entered the store with another pony who was much more important to Rarity at that time: Sweetie Belle.

“Sweetie Belle!” She vaulted over the desk and went down on the floor to give her a proper cuddle of a hug. “Oh, Sweetie Belle, I’m so glad you’re okay. He didn’t do anything to you, did he?”

“Well, there is one thing you should know....”

She pushed Sweetie Belle back a bit. “What?”

“Can you tell her, Pinkie Pie?”

Rarity looked up at Pinkie. “What happened?”

“You got Pinkie pranked!”

She stood up, as did Sweetie Belle. “What?”

“Yep! She was with me the whole time. ‘Cept she went to school today, of course. But yeah, she never got foalnapped.”

“I... you mean....”

“I meant what I said.”

“So this was all a prank? She was never in any danger?”

“That’s right.”

“You... I... can’t... you... ccc....”

“I’m glad you—” she managed to get out before Rarity hit her in the head hard enough for her to lose consciousness.

“Did you have to—”

“I’ll see you outside of the living space forty-eight hours from now.”

Sweetie Belle accepted her punishment and went away. Rarity also had to leave for a minute to drag Pinkie away, since an unconscious pony just inside the door was bad for sales. It was weird that the book even mentioned that, now that she thought about it.

Chapter 15: Verse 10

It was a somewhat dim and overcast night in Applejack’s bedroom, as well as the rest of Ponyville. The rest of the Sweet Apple Acres residents were asleep, but Applejack was awake, and had a horny Rainbow Dash tied to her bed.

“Now are you gonna do what Ah say or not?” Applejack said.

“But your orders sound worse than the actual punishment!” Rainbow said. “You’re basically giving me a choice between the two, and I like the punishment better!”

“Ah... er... y’do?”

“Please, just let me go! I swear I won’t do anything!”

“Let you go? You’d tell everypony! Ah finally have you right where Ah need you ta be, an’ if anypony found out about this, Ah’d be jailed for lahfe. Did you really think that was gonna work? Just askin’ me?” She slapped her cheek. “Now, are you gonna listen or will Ah make you listen?”

Someone knocked the door.

“Um, AJ,” Rainbow said.

“Ah already explained Ah’m not gonna just let you go like—”

“Peroxide.”

“What? What did Ah—”

The door was knocked again. Applejack went to the door, unlocked it, and opened it.

“Twilight! Hey!”

“Hi, Applejack.” Twilight looked towards the bed for a moment. “Why is Rainbow Dash—”

“Makes sense in context. Too long to explain. What’d you come here for?”

“Well, I noticed a slight—”

“That’s good.” Applejack slammed the door in Twilight’s face. Undeterred, she knocked on the door again. Applejack answered it.

“Is this about savin’ the world or somethin’?” Applejack said.

“No. I just thought you—”

“We’re busy.”

“It’ll only take a minute to explain—”

Applejack slammed and locked the door again.

“What could be so important?” Twilight said to herself, despite knowing.

Applejack looked back towards Rainbow. “Now where were we?”

“You already forgot?”

“Nah, that just seemed like somethin’ Ah should say.”

Chapter 17

“Hm,” Rainbow said as she treaded air. “I should really tell Twilight that Applejack actually loves me back. I wonder if she bought that lie anyway. Wait, Applejack lied? Yeah. She did. Things have been all sorts of weird this week.”

She flew to Twilight’s treehouse, killing several bugs along the way. Twilight answered the door.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash.”

“Hey. Can I come in and talk about something random, then half an hour later get to what I actually came here for?”

“Sure.”

Rainbow came inside, closed the door behind her, and continued to breathe.

“So what are you actually doing here?” Twilight said.

“I can’t tell you yet, we have to talk about something irrelevant first. Were you even listening?”

“But why?”

“It’s more polite to talk about something random for an hour than just suddenly ask a question.”

“Why?”

“Because... um... you know, I don’t know.”

“All social rules do is make everything inefficient. Everypony should just lose their sense of awkwardness and gain a sense of... well... not gain anything, but then things could get done.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Because I think you’re basing it all off this one thing which, although you have a point, is just one thing, so social obligations are still a good thing to have.”

“Why?”

“If you’re gonna be like that, I don’t need to be here.”

“You’re the one who came to me.”

“Fine. Look, I just wanted to tell you that... well....”

“Well?”

“It’s a big thing, okay? But... you see... it worked out with Applejack! She’s always loved me too!”

“Really? That’s wei, I mean great!”

“I know! I’m so glad you finally got me to do it!”

“I, um....”

“Be honest,” Twilight’s conscience told her. “It’s the right thing to do. Honesty.”

“Yeah?” Rainbow said.

“Sorry. I just can’t believe that went so well!”

“Isn’t it awesome? Oh, and by the way, something you should know.”

“What?”

“We want to keep the relationship a secret, so be prepared to lie to everypony about that if it comes up. That’s what a couple days ago was about.”

“With the rope?”

“Yeah.”

“It was four days ago.”

“So?”

“So you apparently don’t know what ‘couple’ means.”

“I’m Rainbow Dash, I’m don’t care about that shit.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “So is that it?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, why don’t you stay a bit now that I got my statement about society out? Unless you have something to do or....”

“No, I’d actually like to talk with you for a while.”

A conversation which hinted that they both secretly loved each other ensued, but copyrighted music was playing in the background so we can’t show it.

Chapter 23: Circumstances Prevent Sex

At the outside side of the front door of the Sweet Apple Acres housebarn, Rainbow Dash existed. She knocked the door and waited about a minute, but nobody was there; Applejack and Big Mac were apple-bucking and Apple Bloom was trying to figure out why a primary school chalkboard had a huge sigma on it.

“Anypony home?” Rainbow said in a slightly raised voice. “Literally?” She waited for a few more seconds. “Okay, obviously nopony’s home. I’ll fly around for a bit and come back.”

Around an hour into her leisurely session of flying, she noticed another fight going on in an open space in Cloudsdale. “That reminds me,” she said, “I haven’t used the bouncy ball I won yet.” This did not lead to her using the bouncy ball.

Back at Sweet Apple Acres, she knocked the door again. After some reassuring hoofstep sounds, Applejack answered it.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said.

“I’m horny and I wanna fuck you.”

“You’re very poetic.”

“Thanks. So will you?”

“Ah dunno, mah family’s here an’ all.”

“So we can’t have sex.”

“Ah wish we could too, but... don’ matter how heavily they sleep when they’re awake....”

“Well, we can still do something that won’t make suspicious noises, right?”

“If you come over too often whatever reason we give, it’s gonna seem weird.”

“Then how often can we do it?”

“Ah’m not sure, but now’s a bad tahme anyway.”

“Then I guess I’ll just play video games with Pinkie Pie.”

“Cool.”

Chapter 24: Personal Trinity/Pinkie Pie Gets Meta

“Personal Trinity”

Twilight had just finished reading a particularly confusing passage for the fifth time, and she felt she was now able to summon fatal amperages of electricity at will. All she needed was a good way to test it. As she thought about this, Spike came into the room.

“Hi, Twilight.”

“You have outlived your usefulness!”

“Okay.” He dropped the sheets on the floor and turned around.

“Spike? Spike, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Twilight followed him down every flight of stairs in the house, saying his name every few seconds, until he finally turned to face her when he made it to the front door.

“I had just finished reading about a lightning spell and I want to test it.”

“So it doesn’t bother you that you’ve done literally nothing somepony would consider work since you’ve moved in here.”

“Oh yeah? When was the last time you prepared any food?”

“This morning when I made you the sunflower sandwich.”

Twilight took a moment to consider her next move. “I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t like you anymore.”

“You were going to go outside?”

“Yes.”

Spike got out of the way and she opened the door. “I don’t know when I’ll be back. It shouldn’t be too long.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

She went a couple kilometres to a grass field it was clear no one cared about. There was a road in the distance and some trees the other way, but she was in the centre of one square kilometre of nothing. She cast the spell, and after a flash of white discharge bolts, a hoof-sized area of grass was on fire. “Okay, good,” she said. “Now where’s the water bucket?” She looked to her right, then her left, then turned around. “Crap.”

She teleported back to the bedroom in the treehouse and didn’t see the bucket.

“Spiiiiike!”

“I’m behind you.”

She turned around. “Do you know where I put a bucket of water?”

“Look to your left.”

She did. “Oh, okay.”

She went back to the test site. The heat of her hooves made her immediately jump, as the fire was now twenty metres in radius. She teleported outside the fire department ten kilometres north of Ponyville, a place she had gone to many times just in case she needed to judge the teleportation correctly for an emergency, as was a common thing to do. A white stallion opened one of the front windows.

“There’s a wildfire south of Ponyville.”

In regions without motor vehicles such as Equestria, fire departments were normal houses with a bunch of unicorns who knew water spells playing card games. “Guys, we’ve got something south of Ponyville!”

Ten unicorns, incidentally all male, teleported to an intersection in the centre of Ponyville.

“I see the fire,” one of them said in a quite casual tone. “It’s the moving orange thing in the distance against a cyan backdrop.”

They teleported to the test site and, working from the outside in, all took out a wedge of the fire without any drama, and appeared back in the department exactly as they were.

“We put it out,” the same unicorn that answered Twilight said in a very normal tone, as if he was hoofing her scissors.

“Okay. Thank you.”

Twilight went back to the treehouse. She had previously decided that if the first test worked, she would then try an area four or five times the size.

“Spiiiiike!”

He came down. “Yeah?”

“Get me ‘Outdoor Wilderness Camping’.”

He ran off, and in a couple minutes came back with the book. “Here.”

“Thanks.” In the table of contents, she found there was a section called “How to Make Safe Campfires”. “That’s what I was looking for....”

“Pinkie Pie Gets Meta”

SUGARCUBE CORNER

20XX-XX-X1, 08:X2

“Hmm,” Pinkie Pie said, standing behind the familiar acrylic counter, “You know, I just realised why we haven’t got any business today: we’re not open yet.”

It was true: she had been standing there for two hours for no good reason.

“And to think I could’ve spent all that time trying to figure out how to stop talking to myself.”

Unfortunately, it was too late to do anything before opening time, as it was just X8 minutes before the X:X0 opening they had on Saturday.

“Is that voice that comes from the ceiling sometimes trying to have a conversation with me?”

Even worse than being two hours early to work, she was also under the impression that there was a disembodied voice in the ceiling trying to talk with her.

“Yeah, that’s what I just said! And you’re real, I can hear you right now! Are you trying to deny your own existence?!”

Cup Cake came into the room. “Pinkie?” she said. “Who are you talking to?”

“There’s a voice coming from the ceiling that keeps telling me things I already know.”

“What are you talking about? A voice? From the ceiling?”

“Yeah!”

“I don’t—”

“Shh.”

The voice, which only ever referred to itself in the third person, spoke up again and talked about how it was saying something.

“See?” Pinkie said. “Didn’t you hear that?”

“No... look, I don’t have time for an elaborate awkwardly-executed joke, so I’ll just go back to the kitchen now.”

“It’s real!”

Cup Cake turned around and left.

Chapter 25: Spike Discovers Twilight’s Porn Stash

It was nighttime in Twilight’s bedroom, as well as many other places. Spike walked into the room and noticed something he wasn’t expecting.

“Can anyone here explain the Rainbow Dash porn on Twilight’s computer?” Spike said to himself, genuinely thinking it was funny. He sat on the lower bunk. Half an hour later, Twilight arrived, having been gone for most of the day for community service.

“Spike? You’re awake?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s one in the morning.” She saw the monitor. “Oh. Did I... leave that open?”

“Yeah.”

“So you saw that?”

“Yeah.”

“I know what it looks like, but I’m doing a paper. It’s about....”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, fine, I clop. Do you have a problem with that?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, me too. It’s just that... because....” She waited a second hoping Spike would interrupt her, but it didn’t happen. “I’m sorry. This is what your guardian does sometimes.”

“I also notice it’s of Rainbow Dash. Do you secretly love her?”

“Just because I’m attracted to her doesn’t mean I love her.”

“But you do.”

“Yeah....”

“Why don’t you tell her something?”

“I’m scared about what she’ll say and what’ll happen to our friendship.”

“Why would she actually not like you for that?”

“Can’t you imagine all the weird, awkward looks and trying not to do weird, awkward looks that would happen every time we ever met each other again?”

“No.”

“Well, I’m not making a love confession. And don’t tell anypony about this.”

“What’ll you do if I do?”

“Ship you to Afrinstar.”

“You wouldn’t do that.”

“The point is it’s a secret and you’d be betraying my trust so I’d hate you. And then I’d probably do something. Now go to bed.”

“I am in bed.”

“Go to sleep.”

“I’m not gonna lie if the subject comes up.”

“You will lie. Lie or die.”

“I guess we’ll find out.”

“You’re replaceable, you know.” Spike made himself comfortable. “I can tell them I’m giving you back for a different one and they’ll do it.”

“Good night.”

“Good night, my trustworthy assistant.”

Chapter 27: Dash Gets an Ouchie

“Rainbow Dash was flying low in Ponyville,” Piña Colada typed, “Regularly avoiding buildings by less than a hoof. Surely she had to crash eventually, and she did, right into the window of Piña Colada’s room.”

Rainbow Dash was flying low in Ponyville, regularly avoiding buildings by less than a hoof. Surely she had to crash eventually, and she did, right into the window of Piña Colada’s room.

“Holy crap! Um... ‘she was miraculously unhurt and, having found Piña Colada irresistibly attractive, knocked on the window’—”

“Rainbow Dash?!” she heard from outside. “Thoth, is there a unicorn around?!”

Piña went up to the window and saw Rainbow unconscious, with her head so covered in blood it was hard to tell where it was coming from. “Well, that sucks.”

Rainbow woke up in a Cloudsdalese hospital, her head above her eyes covered in gauze. It happened to be Pinkie Pie’s shift to watch her. “She’s awake!”, she said, and the other three in the room came to look at her too.

“How do you feel?” Twilight said.

“Hi,” Applejack said.

“Uh... I didn’t even expect to be in a hospital. The last thing I remember doesn’t have anything to do with a crash. You ponies probably know more than I do.” She paused for a second. “All are my bones intact?”

“Yes,” Twilight said.

“That’s good to hear. Like I said, I have no idea what happened.”

“You crashed into a first-floor window.”

“Then I’m surprised nothing’s broken, considering I fell that far.” She paused again. “Where’s Rarity?”

“None of us told her about this.”

“I love you ponies.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“So can’t you just heal me, Twilight?”

“We’re in a universe where healing magic is hard.”

“Fuck.”

The following hour was largely Rainbow and Applejack having a normal conversation, leaving Twilight and Pinkie Pie feeling left out and Fluttershy thankful that she hadn’t had to say anything yet, although Pinkie did get some time in the last few minutes.

“And that is why the state should ban nut-filled muffins,” she said.

“When you introduced it as a rant against nut muffins, I thought you were crazy, but now I think I agree with you,” Rainbow said. “Now I really need some sleep, so all of you leave.”

“Okay. Bye,” all four of them said at the same time and it was really kind of creepy.

“Bye.”

Chapter 53: The Next Day at School

As they made their way to school, it became increasingly obvious to Silver Spoon that something wasn’t right in the world of Diamond Tiara. Diamond was looking around a lot, not ranting to her about anything, and generally seemed to be trying to avoid her only friend. She couldn’t speak unless spoken to and she wasn’t going to, but something was clearly wrong.

As the Cutie Mark Crusaders loitered by their lockers between classes, Scootaloo suddenly thought of something really important she meant to ask.

“So did you do it?”

“Yeah, Ah made the apple—”

“No, not your cooking progress I don’t give a shit about, the rape.”

“Oh. Wait, you don’t give a shit about mah cookin’ progress?”

“I really don’t.”

She managed not to cry. “But yeah, Ah raped ‘er.”

“You feel like you got your revenge?”

“Yep. Hasn’t trahed to pull anything on me today, so that’s good. Obviously it hasn’t even been a single day yet, but Ah don’t think she’ll regress ta—”

“Did you say ‘regress’?”

“What, Ah can’t say somethin’ multisyllabic just ‘cause Ah’m Apple Bloom?”

“Yeah. That sounded really weird.”

As they were walking back home, Silver Spoon couldn’t take it anymore, and if she didn’t say something, she would have to take it for at least another day.

“Diamond? Be honest with me, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, I’m being dramatic.”

“I can tell something’s wrong.”

“Well....” She stopped and looked around. “Do you see anypony?”

Silver Spoon took her own quick look around and shook her head.

“Okay, but you won’t believe me.”

“You wouldn’t lie to me.”

“Well....” She “hugged” Silver Spoon as well as a standing quadruped could. “Apple Bloom raped me.”

“What?”

“Apple Bloom raped me to get back at me—to get back at me for....” She failed not to cry. “You know. Everything at school.”

“I can’t... I’m so sorry.”

She put a leg behind Diamond’s neck, completing the hug. They held the hug for a minute, during which another foal walked past and considered making fun of their emotions but didn’t, then broke it to talk.

“I don’t know what I should say,” Silver Spoon said, proving she did know.

“Well, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just obviously something you should know.”

“Could Zecora help with the trauma?”

“Probably, but it’s dangerous, and who’s going to take us there? Nopony I know knows how to get there safely, teleportation or otherwise.”

“I don’t know anypony either. I just thought it was worth asking.”

“Yeah, it was.”

Chapter 63: No Angle Brackets For You Lol

“Spiiike!” Twilight said. Spike came in with a gun. “I need you to... um... nothing, actually, you’re just supposed to be in the scene.”

“What am I supposed to do? I didn’t know I was supposed to be doing this, but they wouldn’t just put me in a scene for no reason.”

“Why not?”

“You just missed an easy Pokémon reference.”

“Why not?”

“Because there’s obviously a plot point they’re using me for, otherwise I wouldn’t be in it.”

“Plot?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Are you sure you don’t have any contractual things?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I wonder what they expected us to do....”

Spike shrugged.

“Find out camerapony #3’s real name?” Twilight said.

“Then we can call her that and sound like we’re close friends with her!”

“I don’t mind being called camerapony #3,” she said.

“You wouldn’t rather be called by your real name?” Twilight said.

“Camerapony #3 is the name everypony knows me by, and I don’t dislike it.”

“Come on, you’d like it better.”

“I’m not telling everypony my real name just so the series can have even more pointless trivia.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Make me.”

“Just a second.” Twilight went out of the room. After an awkward silence, she came back in levitating a steak knife.

“Um, question for Twilight Sparkle,” camerapony #3 said.

“Yeah?”

“What would you ever use a steak knife for?”

“Oh, you know. Steak.”

“You’re a pony.”

“Spike eats meat sometimes.”

“No, I d—”

“Stay out of this, Spike.”

“Spike?” camerapony #3 said. “Do you know why she got it?”

“Steak knives were on sale at the Big Stopmart, so she got one, I guess thinking she would find a use for it.”

“Has she?”

“No.”

“Look, this isn’t what we came here to talk about,” Twilight said, “We came here to talk about camerapony #3’s real name. Remember a minute ago when you said ‘make me’?”

“Yes,” camerapony #3 said.

“I was going to use this steak knife to threaten you.”

“Oh. But you’re too moral to actually kill me. Right? You saved the world. Please.”

“I wouldn’t have to kill you, just hurt you a bit.”

“To which you’re not going.”

“Are you saying this entire steak knife thing is just a huge bluff?”

“Yes.”

“Well, this isn’t the friendly Twilight you’re used to. This is the evil Twilight you’re used to.”

“Do you really want to seriously injure a pony because she wouldn’t tell you her name? Isn’t that a bit disproportionate?”

“We’ll put it to a vote.”

“Yes,” camerapony #3 said.

“No,” Twilight said.

“Stop.”

“Go, go, go.”

“What do you think, Spike?” Twilight said. “Would stabbing her be justified or would it be okay?”

“Those are my choices?”

“You also have overreacting,” camerapony #3 said.

“I pick overreacting.”

“Why won’t you support me, Spike?” Twilight said, slamming the ground at the “pport”.

“Are you okay, Twilight? This is really OOC of you.”

“I’m fine.”

“Are you drunk on cider again?”

“What the....”

“You were at Sweet Apple Acres this morning.”

“I’m not drunk, Spike.”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

“You don’t have fingers, you’re a pony.”

Spike didn’t say anything.

“Oh. Yeah, I’ll go to bed.”

Chapter 65: Dramatic Scene

“So what’s this with us in the same chapter?” Rainbow said to Spitfire on a cloud that was small now, but with hard work, it could get really big. They were sitting with their lower hindlegs hanging off the edge, Rainbow Dash on Spitfire’s left, watching a particularly good sunset together. Good as in golden, not stripy.

“Rainbow, there is no ‘us’,” Spitfire said. “Look, I know you may still have feelings from that night, but—”

“Um, Spitfire?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s not about that. And by the way, I don’t have feelings from that night.”

“Have you met other ponies? No, never mind, you would’ve told me, right?”

“Yeah. I would’ve told you.”

Spitfire looked at Rainbow, so Rainbow did the same. Looking at the other one, she didn’t look at her leg or something.

“What is it?” Rainbow said.

“I have something to confess.”

“It’s love, isn’t it?”

Spitfire closed her eyes and slowly moved in for a kiss. Rainbow quickly got a hoof over Spitfire’s mouth and she backed out of it.

“What are you doing?!” Rainbow said. “Also, I was right!”

“I guess you don’t feel the same way....”

“No, I don’t. Seriously, Spitfire, you could’ve just said something.”

“I’m sorry....”

“Holy Faust, you’re just....”

“I’m sorry....”

“You could’ve just said you loved me.”

“I know....”

“If you love me, that’s fine, we’re still friends and I appreciate the compliment of you thinking I’m hot. It’s just... I don’t love you, okay?”

“I understand....”

“Look, I’m sorry if you were really looking forward to this, but....”

“You have nothing to apologise for.” She tried not to cry, and didn’t do a very good job. “If you don’t want me, that’s fine.”

“You still have Soarin’, right?”

“We were together for about a month, but that’s all it lasted for.”

“You broke up?”

“He dumped me.” Spitfire wiped her eyes.

“Aww....” Rainbow hugged her, and Spitfire hugged Rainbow since it seemed to her like she should. “Spitfire....”

“No, don’t feel sorry for me. Remember what I just did to you? You should hate me.”

“Just because I’m not attracted to you or anything doesn’t mean I hate you. We’re still friends.”

“Thanks, Rainbow. And I’m really sorry I did that....”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind if you like me like that,” Rainbow ended the hug, “I was just mad because you tried to kiss me.”

“You don’t mind? Will you still be able to be around me knowing I have this thing for you?”

“Yeah. We’re still friends.”

“I still don’t feel like I’ve apologised enough....”

“It’s fine. We can still be friends whether you love me or not.”

“You do realise that if you ever give me an opportunity, I’m going to take it....”

“I know, that’s fine.”

“I just don’t want you to think—”

“Spitfire. It’s fine. We can still be friends, it won’t be awkward for me being around you.”

“Okay, if you say so....”

“I won’t think of you as anything more or less than a friend. Don’t worry.”

Chapter 96: Twilight Informs Everyone About the Death of Owlyiches

It was a beautiful mourning in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, it was beautiful. Sure, Owlyiches was dead, but pshhh. Twilight woke up, did boring morning things, dug Owlyiches’ grave with a spade when she could’ve easily done it with magic to show how much she cared about her, called the mane characters, and waited for them all to arrive. One by one, they arrove. It was all very tedious. Well, not one by one, there were a couple pairs.

“Now þat we are all congregated here,” spoketh, “nuntiis vos narrare possum.”

“quid?” Lyra said. “Literally nopony speaks Latin, Twilight. And what’s so important and/or dramatic you needed to tell us in pony, anyway?”

“Sorry. What I got you here to tell you is... well....”

“It’s hard to take your ellipses seriously,” Rainbow said.

“Owlyiches is dead.”

“What?!” everyone said in offputting unison.

“But we loved ‘er!” Applejack said.

“scio. sed—”

“Seriously, cut it out with the Latin,” Lyra said.

“Sorry, I’ll stop. She choked on a bone last... er... day/night transition period.”

“Sunset?” Octavia said.

“That’s it, sunset. So back on topic, Owlyiches is dead. I just thought you should all know.”

“That’s so sad,” Applejack said as if everyone else in the room needed to be told.

“Well, she’s in a better place now,” Apple Bloom went for the religious angle.

“She never got a chance to do what she loved,” Lyra said, even though helping Twilight was what she loved.

“I never knew her, but I’ll be generically hearing about a death sad,” Octavia said.

“That’s terrible,” Rainbow said in a similar manner to Applejack.

“Red eight, standing by,” Pinkie Pie, behind the counter of Sugarcube Corner, said for no apparent reason.

“I’m gladepressed you’re as sad about this as I am,” Twilight said, even though she was clearly the saddest one there by cheek wetness. No one said anything. “I should probably hold a wake or something.”

“Ah’ll get Pinkie Pah to help ya,” Applejack said.

No one said anything.

“You can go if you have things to do,” Twilight said.

“kk,” everyone else said.

Chapter 107: Scootaloo Cares About Others’ Problems Some More

On a day which was in fact not the same one, Scootaloo was nonchalantly eating a doughnut for “brunch”, when nothing happened. She wondered when the cameraponies and/or transcribers would arrive, as she was supposed to have a chapter. She also thought excitedly about show commitments letting her see Rainbow Dash all the time. She wasn’t excited about the heavy rain pouring down like a video film, but somebody was.

Yesterday...

“I bet you ten bits it won’t rain tomorrow,” Sun Ray said.

“You’re on,” said Moonlight.

Scootaloo looked behind her for a moment, finding the “back wall” of her cardboard box. “Could’ve sworn I heard typing or something... yeah, there it is again.”

She went behind the box, and there was a transcriber there wearing a plastic rain poncho. She waved to her without looking up from her laptop that was waterproof because scientists built it and they used science.

“Hi,” Scootaloo said. The transcriber didn’t answer. “Is it weird having to refer to yourself in the third pony all the time?” she said to get her to say something.

“Shouldn’t you be in your box? It’s raining.”

“It’s not that bad.” It was. “It’s just water, right?”

“Stop talking to me.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You think I have something wrong? You’re the street foal in a cardboard box.”

“I’m just being concerned about your problem.”

“Go back into your box and think about stuff.”

“No. I need to know what the problem is.”

“When did you become an amateur therapist and life coach?”

“I just want to help you....”

“Apple Bloom just went over that.”

“Fine, I won’t help you with your problems.”

“Good. You’re overanalysing anyway, I don’t have a problem right now.”

“Sure.”

And so Scootaloo went back into her street orphan box and thought about something graphic just to annoy the transcriber.

Chapter 110: Apple Bloom and Rainbow Dash

“So remahnd me whah you’re here again?”

“There’s something I need to tell you. And everypony.”

“Twee—”

“I can’t just use Twitter. This is really important and emotionally impactful news, so I need to go door-to-door to tell everypony I know about it individually.”

“Whatever. So what’s this news?”

“Well, they’re not filming another chapter in two weeks...”

“Ah know this.”

“...So I decided it would be a good time to leave Equestria.”

“You’re movin’ ta a different country?!”

“No, I’m just going away for two, three weeks to be in an invitational celebrity race. Then I’ll get rich from the prize money and get my own house in Cloudsdale.”

“Shouldn’t you win money for your favourite charity or somethin’?”

“Nope.”

“Also, you won’t win now that ya just told it front ah the cameras.”

“Why would I fail?”

“You could lose the race.”

“I’m goin’ up against a buncha celebrities.”

“Shouldn’t they, lahke, not let you in since you’re a real racin’ flaher?”

“Well, I’m in a thing anypony can just join, so it... doesn’t really count.”

“You do realahse that just ‘cause there’s no chapters don’t mean we all go unconscious.”

“Everypony can handle me going away for a couple weeks.”

“Ah guess.”

“You guess? Why, do you particularly like me or somethin’?”

“Nah, but everypony loves you. Ponyville without you’ll be... rainy, mostly. But seriously, we all love ya, a lotta us romantically.”

“Your time’s up, I need to go to the next door.”

And so she left for the next house.

Chapter 131: 2012-08-08

“We said we’d do it today,” Rainbow said in the purposefulness-confused secret base, because that’s where she was.

“But how should we do it?” Twilight said. “Social network posts? Dramatic town hall announcement?”

“I like dramatic town hall announcement. If everypony in Ponyville hears it at the same time and can make physical contact with us, they’ll probably panic less.”

“Does that sound good to you, Applejack?” Apple Bloom said

“Apple Bloom,” Applejack said, “What’re you doin’ ‘ere?”

“Er....” She ran out.

“Anyway, that sounds good.”

“Okay,” Twilight said, “Then we’ll do that. Now how do we plan to get town hall?”

“Let’s see...” Rainbow said, “You’ve saved the world and Celestia’s ponially endorsed you as smartest pony ever, I’ve saved the world, and AJ’s saved the world. I think that’s how we plan to get town hall.”

“I just don’t want to seem needy....”

“Hey, Fluttershy, let me remind you of something: we saved the world and everypony loves us. I don’t think this is too much to ask.”

“But you complain about Rarity always bugging you for your time.”

“Well, yeah, but this is one thing, and we saved the world.”

“Rarity saved the world too.”

“Yeah, but we both saved the world, so we’re even. Do you even understand the concept of what I’m saying?”

“Yes—”

“Good. Now let’s get a reservation or however it works. I don’t know, you do it.”

There was a lazy writing wipe to our three heroes behind a podium in a room which wasn’t nearly big enough for everypony in Ponyville.

“Hey, don’t these usually happen outside?” Rainbow said.

“Yeah,” Twilight said, “You’re right. Hey, Mayory, can we move to where you usually make your announcements?”

“It’s ‘Mayor’,” The Mayor said, “And yes, we can do that. And by we, I really just mean myself, I have... all the power... but, er, you know how it is.”

“You have delusions of grandeur?”

“No. I mean, there are other ponies who do things, it’s just that I can’t really be overruled....”

“Why? Don’t we have a council?”

“Well, that’s the thing, I’m the only one who’s interested, so only I ever run, so... I am the council.”

“Oh. Well, you seem benevolent. So are we moving this to the outside stage place?”

“We can do that.”

And so they moved to Announcement Place, as it was officially named. They were greeted by the cheers of four ponies who had arrived early.

“Hey, early ponies,” Rainbow said. “Are you ready to learn a love-related secret we’ve been hiding from almost everypony we know for months and months and months?”

“Yeah!” said the “crowd”.

“Well, you’ll have to wait until six.”

“What?!”

“Er, PM. Eighteen.”

“Oh.”

“What do we do for two hours?” Rainbow said to the other two.

“I don’t know.” “ah dunno lol.”

“Any ah you wanna be a character?” Rainbow said to the “crowd”. “Just come up here and state your name!”

Nothing really happened.

“Come on! Don’ any ah you wanna be characters?”

They apparently didn’t.

“What do we do for an hour and fifty-nine minutes?”

“I still haven’t thought of anything.” “ah dunno lol”

“Twilight?”

“What?”

“Why can’t you think of anything? You’re supposed to be the smartest pony in existence ever!”

“You should be complaining about Applejack just as much right now as long as she can’t come up with anything. And you’re being hypocritical anyway.”

“Well, I don’t think... actually, that’s a good point.”

Silence.

“Did you hear about that hoofball game?” Rainbow said. Everyone there said yes.

“You mean the one with Aquaville and Canterlot South-South-West?” Twilight said.

“No, that one with the CMC and stuff.”

“Oh. Yeah, I heard about that too.”

Silence.

“Can’t we just do a clock wipe or something?”

After a time card, the crowd was a genuine crowd. Many in the crowd were eating strawberries and cream, a detail which would not become important later.

“Who’s gonna say stuff?” Rainbow whispered, but in front of the microphone so everyone could hear her anyway.

“You’ve been the one talking to them the whole time,” Twilight whispered; however, in front the microphone, with the result that everyone was able to hear what she was saying regardless.

Rainbow tapped the microphone a couple times because it felt like she should.

“Welcome,” Rainbow said, “To our massive earth-shattering confession!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“Look... for about a year now, we’ve been keeping a huge love-centred secret from almost everypony we know. Now, I know what you’re thinking: Rainbow and Applejack have secretly been dating, why is Twilight up there. We’ll get to that. The reason we didn’t want to tell anypony is because we were worried it would ruin the whole equality and balance the mane six had and/or everypony would just hate us because that happens sometimes. But then we realised that August was coming up, and it was a good window of opportunity to confess, since nothing ever happens in August and ponies would be happy to hear anything at all. So the first of our two huge shocking confessions is... for six, seventeen months, AJ and I have been in a romantic relationship.”

There was thunderous applause from the crowd. Pinkie Pie ran up to the stage and shoved Rainbow out of the microphone’s zone.

“This is gr* with a capital 8!” Pinkie said. “We’ve been waiting and waiting for you ponies to get together for years now and to know it’s already been going on for so long is great! AM AH RIIIIIGHT?!”

The crowd cheered loudly.

“Now, I’m one of the ponies they told,” Pinkie said, “So lemme ask ‘em a few questions. I mean, I could say everything, but drama, right? So... do you have sex?”

“Yes,” Rainbow said. “Usually a couple times a week.”

“That’s great! Why did you think everypony would hate to hear this?”

“We thought you’d be mad ‘cause we were keeping stuff from you.”

“Come on, Rainbow, we’re Ponyvillians. We’re understanding and forgiving and stuff. AM AH RIIIIIGHT?!”

The crowd cheered even more loudly.

“You know, Pinkie,” Rainbow said, “This’d be less awkward with a pony who didn’t know.”

“So? The point is that we’re all really happy to hear this! You need to tell us everything that’s happened between you ponies!”

“Uh... hey, you know the new reality show we’re in?”

The crowd cheered.

“It’s airing next week!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“Great! So we’re fine with that, what’s the other big secret?”

“Um... well....” Rainbow tapped the microphone a couple more times. “Let’s go to a commercial.”

(That Diamond Shreddies picture)

“And we’re back,” Rainbow said. “Anyway, the other big secret is... Twilight and I are together.”

The crowd went silent.

“What,” Pinkie said.

“I wanted a backup girlfriend and we liked each other.”

“Oh. Well, that’s a reasonable explanation. AM AH RIIIIIGHT?!”

They made more noise than a really big plane!

“See?” Pinkie said. “Those are both good ships. Those aren’t ‘earth-shattering’.”

“But we’ve been hiding this from you for so long. We thought you’d be wicked mad at us.”

“Well, you have good explanations. We all still love you and Twilight and Applejack. Except camerapony #3, she doesn’t love you, but everypony else.”

“I have an idea,” Twilight said. “We should get everypony up here and compile a list of what ponies love each other. Then we could make one of those huge love quivers.”

“They’re called ‘heart charts’,” Rainbow said. “It rhymes.”

“I think you made that up.”

Over minutes and minutes, all the named ponies who held affections stated their affections.

“Okay, are we ready to hear the list?” Twilight said.

“Yeah!” the crowd said.

“Okay, here goes... Rainbow loves Applejack and me, I love Rainbow, AJ loves Rainbow and... AJ, did you say Big Mac? Because I put it on the list here.”

“Yeah,” Applejack said. “Ah don’t love ‘m romantically, but we’re fuckbuddies. Whah, you got a problem with incest?”

“Actually, yeah... I do. But that’s a politics fight. So AJ loves Rainbow and Big Mac, Fluttershy loves Rainbow, Big Mac loves AJ and... Fluttershy...? Okay, Bon Bon loves Lyra, Butterscotch loves Big Mac, you didn’t really need to come up for that, by the way, Lyra and Octavia love each other, Spitfire loves Soarin’, Spike loves Rarity, Spitfire loves Rainbow, Trixie loves me, some married ponies who obviously love each other, and apparently Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara like each other sexually but not platonically too, so that’s—wait, Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara? Is that right? That’s definitely a mistake.”

“Nope,” Apple Bloom said.

“No,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Okay, so you’re not attracted to each other,” Twilight said. “Mov—”

“No as in you didn’t make a mistake,” Apple Bloom said. “We do lahke each other lahke that. Raht, Dahmond?”

“Yes,” Diamond Tiara said.

“Okay, you ponies are funny,” Twilight said, “But anyway—”

Apple Bloom ran over to Diamond Tiara and kissed her. She accepted the offer. All the other ponies looked at them in stunned silence, everybody wanting it to be broken up but feeling nervous about doing it themselves.

“Applejack?” Twilight said. She nudged a catatonic Applejack. “Are you okay?”

“She hasn’t even blinked,” Rainbow said. “Do you have a spell to fix her?”

“Making ponies better is hard. Making them worse is easy, and I try not to think about all the power I have because it makes me want to go on an insane killing spree, but I don’t think I can help her right now.”

“It makes you what?”

“I don’t know, sometimes I just get this random urge to kill.”

“We all get that, Twilight, you’re not special. Anyway, how can we wake up AJ?”

“I don’t know, nothing’s coming to me.”

Rainbow looked into Applejack’s eyes. “Do I have a catatonia fetish?”

“I don’t know, do you?”

“Not as far as I know. But it might wake ‘er up....”

Rainbow put a leg behind Applejack’s neck, Applejack’s mouth open due to her jaw dropping, and got to kiss her for about a tenth of a second before she regained movement abilities and took a couple steps back.

“Holy Fau—” Applejack said. “Oh, it’s just you. Ah thought some random pony had their tongue in mah mouth.”

“No,” Rainbow said. “Um, Big Mac got Apple Bloom and Diamond Tiara to stop.”

“Ah just thought they were bein’ funny or somethin’....”

“No, they really love each other. Well, they hate each other, but you know. And it’s not one of those things where they say they hate each other but they don’t, they really—”

“Ah know.”

“Sorry.”

They noticed that the crowd had been watching them the whole time.

“You ponies wanna see some Appledash snogging?” Rainbow said.

“Yeah!” said the crowd.

“You wanna see some Twidash snogging?” Twilight said.

“Meh.”

Appledash snogging ensued. The crowd cheered wildly.

“You know, the announcement’s over,” Twilight said. “You can go now.”

“No!”

“Come on. Do you really want to watch a thief and a... um... well, I can’t think of anything bad that Applejack’s done, but do you really wanna watch them just kiss for an hour?”

“Yeah!”

“You know, you’ve been lied to by half of your greatest heroes since last year. Aren’t you angry?”

“No!”

“Come on! It’s been a year! Not that times change or we age or anything, but over a year!”

“We’re! Not! Mad! We’re! Not! Mad!”

“Fine, don’t be mad. You should be. You’ve had this big secret hidden from you for months, you have every right to be angry at us.”

“We! Un-der! Stand! We! Un-der! Stand!”

“Come on! Aren’t our reputations seriously damaged now?!”

“No!”

Rainbow stopped the kissing and turned to the microphone.

“I’d just like to thank Scootaloo for a moment,” Rainbow said. “Others tried, but she was the one who convinced me that we should reveal our huge earth-shattering secrets.”

Scootaloo was sitting next to Apple Bloom eating an apple. Everyone in the crowd focussed their attention on her. She nervously smiled and waved, then they looked back to the stage. Rainbow and Applejack went back to kissing.

“So is that the chapter?” Twilight said.

“Yeah!”

Chapter 132: CMC-CA Series Leg 1

“When did they say they would get here?” Scootaloo said to Apple Bloom, which was only going to make Apple Bloom’s leadership complex worse.

“They should be ‘ere any minute now,” Apple Bloom said.

Applejack went outside the house and met the CMC and Twilight.

“Hi, Applejack,” Scootaloo said.

“Hi, AJ,” Apple Bloom said.

“Hi. Ah expected to see you ponies here, but Twahlaht?”

“I’m refereeing,” Twilight said. “So Apple Bloom?”

“Yeah?”

“When’s the other game?”

“The one at Dahmond’s is tomorrow at hah noon.”

Applejack went off to do some apple-bucking.

“Ah was gonna talk ta Scootaloo,” Apple Bloom said, “But Scootaloo an’ Sweetie Belle are already talkin’! Are they talkin’ about me? Ah bet they are.”

“They’re not talking about you, Apple Bloom,” Twilight said despite having no idea whether they were.

“Ah bet they are.”

“You know what? I’ll ask them.”

Twilight walked the three metres over to Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. They stopped talking and looked at her.

“What are you talking about?” Twilight said.

“Why would you need to know that?” Scootaloo said, partly because it was a legitimate question, partly because Twilight could be part of a conspiracy working against her, and partly because we have a contractual obligation to give her lines.

“Apple Bloom thinks you’re talking about her.”

“We are.”

Twilight walked the three metres back to Apple Bloom. “Scootaloo said they’re talking about you.”

“See? Ah told ya.”

“You should go over there.”

“Ah will.”

And so Apple Bloom went over there.

“Hi, Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo said.

“Whah are you talkin’ about me?”

“We were insulting you behind your back.”

“Whah would you do that ta me?”

“You do the same thing.”

“Ah don’t make fun ah mahself.”

“You know what I mean, Apple Bloom. We all complain about each other.”

“Ah know....”

“Ahem,” Diamond Tiara said. The CMC all turned to her.

“Hi,” they said in highlarious unison.

“Do you have the hoofball?” Diamond said.

Scootaloo grabbed a hoofball from behind Sweetie Belle’s ear.

“Good,” Diamond said. “Where are the goals?”

“There,” Apple Bloom pointed to a bush, “An’ there,” she pointed to another bush, “An’ there,” she pointed to another bush.

“What?” Scootaloo said.

“Oh. Yeah, jus’ there an’ there.”

Hoofball ensued. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were noticeably happy ponies at their 2–1 win against the Cocleares Argentorum, very talkative and energetic and positive and stuff.

“It’s not over yet,” Diamond Tiara said. “You’re still going to lose.”

“You’re just sayin’ that ta make us feel all inconfident.”

“You’ll see,” Diamond failed at being dramatic. “Now, if you don’t mind, we have to leave.”

“Ah do mahnd. There’s somethin’ Ah’ve been meanin’ ta ask Silver Spoon.”

“What could you possibly have to ask her?” Diamond Tiara was apparently amazed at the concept of her best friend having any personality.

“Come over here, Silver Spoon,” Apple Bloom said.

Silver Spoon looked at Diamond Tiara.

“We’re leaving,” Diamond said. She and Twist started to walk away. Silver Spoon took a look back at the CMC, waved to them, and followed Diamond.

“Can Ah explain the point ah what just happened so the LCDs can understand the next plot point?” Apple Bloom said.

“No,” Scootaloo said.

Chapter 139: Events

“Lyra?”

“Yes?”

“How did the competing letters you wrote go?”

“We never got a response, so I think they just disregarded them completely.”

“I see.”

“That expression is offensive to blind ponies.”

“Spike?”

“What?”

“Lyra would never say that.”

“Apple Bloom?”

“What?”

“Why did we start RPing as Octavia and Lyra? And why are you even here?”

“Uh....” She ran out of the building.

“Lyra?” Octavia said in a place of no description, her house.

“Yes?”

“How did the competing letters you wrote go?”

“We never got a response, so I think they just disregarded them completely.”

“I see.”

“I mean, I can understand why they rejected Twilight’s, but mine was so well-written.”

“I didn’t see it, of course, but I believe you.”

“Well, it was really good.” It wasn’t.

“So that means you both lost, then?”

“Yes.”

“That’s too bad. That you lost, I mean. I don’t care how Twilight did. Not that I don’t like—”

“I understand your point.”

“Okay.”

Lyra kissed her for a minute.

“You didn’t join,” Lyra said. “I mean, that’s what I expected, but....”

“I thought it was just for the contractual obligation.”

“I guess it does that, but that isn’t what I was doing it for.”

Silence.

“Can I let my urges take over me for a moment?”

“You didn’t ask a minute ago.”

“That was because I couldn’t because of the contractual obligation. Isn’t that what I said?”

“You said the opposite of that.”

“Can I please let my urges take over me?”

“I’ll still love you.”

They kissed.

Chapter 152: Lyra and Octavia: the Sitcom

“Do you think we’d make a good sitcom pairing?” Lyra said over tea to make conversation.

“No.”

“But you could be the boring branch in the dirt and I could be the fun one!”

“So all of the episodes would be the same joke repeated fifty times?”

“Yeah!”

“‘Yeah’?”

“Yes.” Lyra looked at the table. “Don’t break up with me again. I got really sad.”

“I’m not going to break up with you based on how you say yes.” Octavia remembered camerapony #1. “I have to be honest, there are a couple obvious exceptions, but nothing a normal pony would ever do.”

Lyra put her head in her hooves. “You’re so forgiving, Octavia....”

“Not really, particularly if you remember the time I kicked you out....”

Lyra returned to a more normal position. “But I like fawning over you....”

“Why?”

“You’re supposed to constantly tell your romantic partners how awesome they are, you know. I mean, look at Twilight. She isn’t very good at it, but she gets the idea better than any other pony in the world.”

“So I’m supposed to stroke your ego?”

“It’s not about making ponies feel better about themselves, it’s about being soppy, which is itself about fun.”

“I’m not very sentimental, though. You know that.”

“I know, and that’s something I like you for. It’s not a moral obligation or anything.”

“You made it sound like it was.”

“Sorry. Hey, come over here.”

Octavia got out of her chair and went to Lyra. Lyra grabbed Octavia by the neck and kissed her, all without getting out of her own chair.

“You tricked me,” Octavia said, smiling.

“Wait, did you just say something funny and smile and you’re happy about that? You’re still smiling. Stop smiling!”

“Don’t you like seeing me happy?”

“More than anything in the world, but don’t smile. It’s not disturbing like when Perry smiles, but it’s just... kind of weird.”

“‘More than anything in the world’? I told you you don’t have to flatter me.”

“I mean it. Your happiness is more important than anything else to me.”

“Awwww.”

“It’s OOC for you to be sarcastic.”

“What C? I’m a background character.”

“The C you’ve shown over the many chapters you’ve been in.”

“I C.”

“This is Criously kind of dumb.”

“I’m sorry I started it.”

“It’s okay, we can stop.”

Silence.

“You’re supposed to kiss to stop awkward silences,” Lyra said.

“I didn’t think it was awkward enough. And besides, you didn’t do anything.”

“Sure, blame everything on me. You didn’t do anything either.”

“I’m not the one who’s supposed to start romantic things in this relationship, you know that.”

“Yeah, but... you’re right. Why does everything you say make so much sense?”

“I’m... sorry?”

“Why do you have to be so perfect?”

“Stop complimenting me.”

“No. You’re awesome, well, not like Rainbow awesome, you know, and I’m going to talk about it.”

“Honestly, I think you’re better.”

“Didn’t we have this argument before?”

“Yes.”

Instead of an awkward silence, they kissed.

Chapter 154: Withstander: Corvidae Islands: Episode 6: The Middle Episode

“Last time,” Pinkie Pie said, her mane and, to a lesser extent, her tail blowing in the strong 35-kph breeze, “On Withstander: Corvidae Islands! Seven plastic lightsabre fights determined that invulnerability should belong to Rainbow Dash. Due to the Jambalayance, Apple Bloom was voted off. Who will be the next to metaphorically die on Withstander: Corvidae Islands?!”

“So, Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo said over some black tea. “Should I be happy to see you because I missed you or sad because you’re out?”

“Ah want ya ta be happy....”

“Then I’ll be happy to see you.”

“Sounds good.”

“Do you think the transcriber is bothering to describe what the building is like?”

“Ah doubt it.”

“I love you triply, Rainbow,” Twilight said.

“I love you doubly, Twilight.”

“I love you triply, Octavia,” Lyra said.

“I’m trying to think about strategy, Lyra. Don’t make off-topic posts.”

“Ah love you in a platonic way, an’ Ah think you’re hot, but they don’t mix inta romance,” Applejack said. “Y’know how it is.”

“Eeyup.”

Meanwhile, camerapony #3 laid down in the excuse for a shelter trying not to cry. “I guess I’ll get the mail.”

She walked down the path of forestedness to the holy mail compartment, retrieved the mail, and left without triggering any alarms.

“I have the mail,” camerapony #3 said.

“kewl,” everyone barring Octavia said.

Camerapony #3 unravelled the paper. “It’s... blank.”

“What?” everyone said.

“Look.”

Everyone crowded uncomfortably behind the paper. It was blank.

“Huh,” Applejack said very constructively.

“I guess we should go to Raven Island,” Twilight said.

And so they canoed to Raven Island.

“Hallo,” Pinkie said, “End walcoma to todey’s invulnarebility chellanga. Todey, tha chellanga is dividad into four perts. Ni eht tsrif, uoy lliw nur dnuora ni a elcric. Yllaretil, eht esruoc si a elcric dna uoy evah ot nur dnuora ti. Eliminated gets last in comes whoever. Ydaar uoy ara?”

“Yeah!” everybody except for Octavia said.

“Than lets git starded!”

Everyone was escorted to the start line of the Holy Running Circle. Short story bite-sized, Octavia lost because she’s fancy and therefore slow.

“The next challenge,” Pinkie said in a slow and condescending voice, “Is called swimming. All of you except Octavia will swim to that buoy and back and whoever gets last place is eliminated. Understand?”

“Yeah!” they said.

“Challenge starts now!”

Lyra lost because she’s unathletic.

“Fiveofyouleft. Thenextchallengeistheeatdisgustingthingschallengetowinyoumustconsumeaduria

nyoualsomustremovetheskinhusktypethingyourselfnomagicwhoeverfinishesthetasklastiseliminated.”

They took their marks in front of a side table (one each) with a durian on it (one each).

“Withstandersready?!”

“Yeah!”

“Go!”

Rainbow and camerapony #3 immediately cut themselves on their durians, whilst the others actually took their time to think about what to do. Applejack, remembering a video she saw on YouTube, threw her durian on the ground, but the exceptionally deep, soft sand typical of the Corvidae Islands did nothing to break it. Applejack also got a very minor stab wound from firmly holding the durian. Twilight got an idea from this (the throwing, not the injury) and slowly rolled her durian over to a rock, which she picked up and threw at it. This made a small crack in it, which she exploited to fully open it. Everyone else would copy her.

Twilight easily made it through the next round having gotten her durian open seconds before her competitors, and the rest came down to actual eating speed. Since Rainbow, Applejack, and Big Mac were reasonably adept at such things, camerapony #3 came last and was eliminated from the challenge.

“Okay,” Pinkie said after a two-hour break, during which a 35-km/h wind brewed up. “Final round will be the quiz round! There’ll be one question, and whoever gets the most right wins! Withstanders ready?!”

“Yeah!”

“Signed in 1494 to divide the—”

“The Treaty of Tordesillas!” Twilight said reasonably quickly, as if another pony was going to know the answer.

“That’s right! Twilight wins invulnerability!”

“Fuck,” Rainbow said.

“You also get a refill on rice and water, and Twilight gets a huge bowl of salad all to herself!”

“What if I spill it on the canoe?”

“Then that’s your problem!”

After an uneventful canoe back to Jambalaysland, the normal pair and camerapony #3 dynamic resumed, but with more rice-cookery.

“I can’t believe I didn’t spill anything,” Twilight said.

“We know, okay?!” Rainbow said, starving from the hunger of food deprivation much like everyone else. “You have salad, you’re awesome, you’re a winner, shut the fuck up! We don’t wanna hear about your fuckin’ salad!”

“Rainbow?” Lyra said.

“What?”

“I hate her salad as much as anypony else here, but... chill.”

Rainbow took a few deep breaths, everyone watching her since there was nothing better to look at. “I think I feel better. I mean, I should be happy for her, right?”

“Well, just don’t get crazy,” Lyra said. “You can think it, just don’t yell at her for succeeding at something.”

“Okay. I think I can do that.”

“Good.”

“Wellkm t Timl Kaunsl,” Pinkie said. “Ther ar onli sevvin uv yu lefft, but aftr tnait ther will bi sikks, bicuz that izz hau tha sho works. Twailait, hau du yu fil inn yr cumfdrbl, scyr, innvunrabl stet?”

“Self-esteemed,” Twilight said.

“Xtremely Xcellent Xplanation. We’re ordering it by weight, so Big Mac goes first.”

“Are you calling me fat?”

“No, I’m calling you male. Now go and vote.”

Voting ensued!

“Ah’ll tally up ‘em votes,” Pinkie said.

“First vote: Octavia.”

Octavia had no reaction.

“Second vote: Rainbow Dash. Okay, who wrote Rainbow Dash? Was it you, Octavia?”

Octavia nodded.

“Do you call Lyra Lyra Heartstrings? Don’t answer that. Anyway, Rainbow. That’s two votes Rainbow, one vote Octavia.”

“Rainbow. That’s three votes Rainbow, one vote Octavia.”

“Sixth pony voted off Withstander: Corvidae Islands and first member of our jury: Rainbow.”

“Twilight?” Rainbow said. “Even you voted for me?”

“I’m sorry....”

“You ponies can all go fuck yourselves with... fucking devices.”

“You mean like sex toys or—” Lyra didn’t get to finish.

“I hope you all die in completely separate stabbing incidents,” Rainbow said before running off towards Sequestria.

“Welperdoozerwhatsits, half of you left,” Pinkie said. “How long will Twilight last? Find out in the next series of I Suck At Titles, Summary Better!”

“Fuck Octavia and her fucking Raritiness, fuck Lyra and her fucking Raritiness, fuck Twilight and her pathetic beggary, fuck camerapony #3 and her hatred of fucking Rainbow Dash, fuck Big Mac and his... um... unwillingness to form complex sentences, and fuck... don’t fuck AJ,” Rainbow said. “There’s nothing wrong with her.”

Chapter 60: Sumer

“D’awwww,” Applejack said, having just seen the sixth episode of Withstander with Rainbow Dash, Big Mac, and Apple Bloom. She leaned against Rainbow and turned her head to her.

“Well, it’s true,” Rainbow said. “You don’t have flaws.”

“Ah have a couple.”

“Like what?”

“Lahke how unsanitary Ah am.”

“That’s not a flaw, AJ.”

Applejack hugged her. “Ah love you, Rainbow.”

“If this gonna turn into a fic with soft on the inside Rainbow, I’m leaving right now.”

Applejack made the hug tighter. “Wouldn’t want ya any other way.”

“What made you think you have flaws, AJ?”

“Well, Ah honestly do have a couple. Or a few. Couple means two.”

Rainbow started hugging Applejack. “I would talk all soppy about how I’m always happy when I’m with you, but Rainbow and soppy hate each other.”

“Ah expected an argument about how much a couple is.”

“Why would I ever love somepony who thought a couple could mean not two? I have standards, you know.”

Applejack hugged Rainbow even more tightly. “Ah’m sorry, Ah didn’t mean to insult ya....”

“AJ?”

“Seriously, that’s not how Ah thought of it.”

“Don’t hold me so tight.”

Applejack loosened her grip to the original level. “That better?”

“Eeyup,” Rainbow said in a terrible impression of Big Mac, who looked at her with a rather neutral expression.

“Sorry.”

Applejack started petting Rainbow. “What should we do now that the show’s over?”

“Well, we could do the obvious thing....”

“Let’s go upstairs, then.”

“What? I meant Apologies!.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“I mean, we can do that if you want...” Rainbow said.

“No, no, whatever you want.”

“Seriously....”

“No, no....”

Silence.

“We’ll do rock-paper to decide,” Rainbow said.

“Sounds good.”

“Rock, paper, shoot!”

They both picked paper.

“Rock-paper is a stupid game,” Rainbow said.

“Yeah.”

Silence.

“I’m just kinda bored of sex,” said Rainbow Dash.

“lol”

“Seriously, a little. I wanna take a little break from it.”

“Fahne, but you’ll have to fahnd another pony to play Apologies! with.”

“Fine. I’m leaving right now.”

“Go. Ah don’t need you.”

“I don’t need you.” Rainbow walked to the door angrily, angrily opened it, angrily went through the doorway, and angrily slammed it shut.

“So...” Applejack said, “What now?”

Chapter 115: An Applejack/Zecora Chapter

“What?” Applejack said. “Are you crazy?! An’ Ah thought you said no more artificial meetin’’s anyway. An’, how would that even happen anyway?”

Applejack, about to go down the stairs, tripped and fell down them instead.

“Ow...” she said as if this wasn’t obvious.

Big Mac came out of his room, and subsequently to the top of the stairs, to see WTF was up.

“Are you okay?”

“Ah think Ah need to go to Zecora....”

“Wouldn’t it be easier if we went to the normal hospital?”

“No....”

“If you say so, I just don’t see how—”

“Zecora.”

And so Big Mac carried Applejack through the no longer considered arduous journey to Zecora.

Knock-knock!

“Who’s there?” Zecora said.

“It’s Big Mac.”

“What if you’re lying?”

“Eeyup.”

Zecora opened the door. “Oh. It is you.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be rhyming?”

“I notice you have Applejack. What’s she doing on your back?”

“She fell down the stairs and thinks she got hurt.”

“Ah did get hurt.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Two hours later!

“I really hate to be this curt, but I have to say that you’re not hurt.”

“What?!” Applejack said. “Are you sure?”

“I ran all the tests I know, so I’m afraid I can’t say no.”

“Know an’ no don’t rahme.”

“You asked if you’re hurt, and I said no. Now it’s time for you to go.”

“C’mon, AJ.”

“But Ah thought Ah was hurt.”

“Well, you weren’t, so come on.”

“Fahne....”

Apple Bloom knockèd on the door of the housebarn of Sweet Apple Acres of Ponyville, which is not to be confused with a similar orchard managed by different members of the Apple family also called Sweet Apple Acres. She waited a minute, then there was a minor flood and she waded a minute, but nobody answered.

“Hello?” Apple Bloom said into the door. “Anypony home?”

No answer, obviously.

“It’s Apple Bloom. Ah’m back from Near Sugarcube Corner.”

No answer, obviously.

“Anypony? Where are they?”

Apple Bloom tried to open the door, but it was locked.

“Maybe Ah can get in through the secret entrance,” she said, hoping that saying this would make a secret entrance exist.

Big Mac and Applejack went through the no longer considered arduous journey back to Sweet Apple Acres to see Apple Bloom sleeping outside the house.

“Er....” Applejack nudged Apple Bloom softly. “Apple Bloom? Wake up, Apple Bloom.” Apple Bloom didn’t wake up, and so Applejack nudged her slightly more firmly. “Wake up!”

Apple Bloom woke up, made an irritated, M-like sound, and opened her eyes, in that order.

“What are you doin’ out here?”

“Ah was at Near Sugarcube Corner, then Ah came back here but the door was locked....”

“Really? Sorry... you have the key, Big Mac?”

“I thought you had it.”

“Er... crap, did we leave it at Zecora’s?”

“Probably.”

Two hours later!

“We’re back,” Applejack said as if this was not readily apparent.

“Just open the door,” Apple Bloom said.

And so nothing happened for the rest of the day.

Chapter 12X: The Chapter Won’t End Until Someone Dies

“Twist and Granny Smith!” Commentatory commentated. “Two enter the octagon, one leaves!”

“That fight’s gonna take a while,” Rainbow Dash said. “And Twilight?”

“What?”

“Why are we floating in this black void of nothingness?”

“Because I fucked up the teleportation.”

“Well, fix it.”

Twilight teleported the three to the treehouse.

“We’re supposed to be at the octagon,” Commentatory commentated.

“I don’t know where it is.”

Three hours of walking later!

Commentatory, Twilight, and Rainbow all entered the arena via the front door. It was a lot like CAEB Stadium Cloudsdale, as the Tripling-Off Arena had recently been renamed, except it had a roof and the arena was a bunch of cagefighting octagons. Other than that, and the refreshment menu, it was basically identical.

“Hello and—” the staff noticed who she was talking to. “Oh, you’re famous, go ahead. Luxury box 1 is reserved for you. Here’s the map.”

“Is that Rainbow Dash and Twilight?” a random passerby said.

“zomg!” another pony said around the middle of the previous line.

Rainbow and Twilight got mobbed for autographs by forty ponies. They got mobbed by 40 ponies. That’s as many as four tens. And that’s terrible.

“You’re smart,” Rainbow said, “Think of a plan!”

“Um...” Twilight started whispering the plan to Rainbow, getting halfway through before Rainbow got tackled under four of the ponies.

“Rainbow!” Twilight said. She started an expanding ball of magic. “Listen up,” she said in a moderately loud and moderately firm tone, “You know what this ball of magic is for? If you don’t let us go, I’m going to kill you all. All two scores of you will be reduced to very dramatic ashes. So do you want to let us get to our seats or not?”

“That’s not what you’re doing,” one pony said in a rolling eyes tone of voice.

“You’re way too moralness for that,” another said.

“You have five seconds,” Twilight said. None of them went anywhere.

“π...”

Nothing.

“...Two...”

Nothing.

“√2... one... two thirds... one third....”

Twilight finished the spell and the ponies all fell unconscious, but correlation doesn’t imply causation.

“Thanks, Tw—”

“Fly us to the box.” She breathed a couple quick breaths. “They’ll only be out for a few seconds.”

Rainbow put her legs around Twilight’s torso and flew them through the halls, almost hitting a bunch of walls but not actually doing anything notable, to luxury box 2.

“Holy crap,” some moderately rich pony said, “Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle?!”

“I don’t think—” Twilight said.

“I know.” She turned around and flew down some more halls to luxury box 1, then fell onto the floor from exhaustion.

“Hi,” Applejack said.

“Hello,” Octavia said.

“Hello,” Zecora acknowledged welcomingly.

“Wazzup bitches,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Twilight used all her energy, casting a spell, so I had to use, all my energy to, make a getaway.”

“For what?” Applejack said.

“Because... Twilight, can you... talk....”

Twilight had been panting ever since Rainbow picked her up. “No....”

They laid there catching their breath, earning weird looks from the others.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Applejack said.

Twilight nodded, and Rainbow’s attempt to talk made her pass out.

“The fight to the death will begin in ten minutes,” Commentatory commentated. “Hungry? You sure are! Get some popcorn or a thing of candy beans at the refreshment stand under the giant Santander banner.”

“Are there any ponies rootin’ for Twist?” Applejack said.

“Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, and Twist’s relatives,” Zecora said.

“Are they here?”

“No, at least I wouldn’t think so, but I imagine they’ll be watching the broadcast.”

“Right.”

“Why would they not be watching?”

“That wasn’t supposed to be sarcasm.”

“Oh.”

Silence.

“Hey, Zecora?” Pinkie said.

“Yes? Come over here, you’re on the other side of the box.”

Pinkie went to the corner which contained Zecora, which is now called the Zecorner.

“First, you’re not rhym—”

“I KNOW I’M NOT RHYMING, I DON’T FUCKING CARE, OKAY? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIENDS, I DON’T HAVE AN IMAGE I HAVE TO KEEP WITH YOU.”

Silence.

“Is everything okay?” Pinkie said.

Zecora sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I won’t bug you about that anymore.”

“It’s the least you could do. Remember that time I saved your life?”

“Yeah.”

“And that time?”

“Yeah.”

“And that time?”

“I get the point. I know you’ve been getting annoyed with how we keep coming back to you all the time, but we really do appreciate all your life-saving.”

“Well, some of you did save the world. That’s a lot of lives you’re still up on.”

“Yeah, but not with you.”

Zecora didn’t have anything to say after that.

“So you know how I love you, right? In a romantic way?”

“No.”

“Weird, it was all over every site ever. Anyway, a week ago I said I had feelings for you.”

“I see... Pink... ie. I’m sorry, but—”

“No, that’s the thing, I got over it like Big Mac with Fluttershy.”

“Oh. So I don’t have to worry about anything?”

“Yep.”

“Okay.”

“Twilight?” Rainbow said.

“You’re awake.”

“Yeah. Can you still not stand up?”

“I can if you want, but you know, why bother.”

“I command you to stand up.”

She did. “I have something to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I ranted to you so much about Fi2e last night.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, seriously.”

“Stop apologising.”

“Sorry.”

Nothing happened for a few minutes until the commentating speakers spurred interestingness.

“Five minutes until the fight begins. Since you’re thirsty, buy a refreshing bottle of Diacetylmorphine-Cola from the refreshment stand underneath the Santander banner.”

“Have any of you ever had Diacetylmorphine-Cola?” Rainbow said.

“No.” “Nope.” “Nopermajigs.” “No.”

“I had some homemade once,” Zecora said. “It’s really easy to make yourself.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe I should actually try some sometime so I know what you’re talking about.”

Silence.

“So...” Applejack said, “How do you like them apples?”

“They’re pretty good,” Twilight said.

“Your cum tastes like apples sometimes,” Rainbow said.

“I like apples,” Pinkie said. “But really, I like most food.”

“I like apples on Facebook,” Zecora said.

“I wonder what percentage of things you could suffix with ‘on Facebook’,” Rainbow said.

“We should try it on Facebook.”

“Sounds good on Facebook,” Applejack said.

“This sounds like a dumb idea,” Twilight said.

“It’s gonna work on Facebook,” Pinkie said.

“Except in bed is better on Facebook,” Rainbow said. “I know it’s only been a few lines, but I think this was a bad idea on Facebook.”

Silence.

“So...” Applejack said, “How about them apples?”

“We’re not going through this again,” Rainbow said.

But then no one knew what to talk about.

“Hey, Rainbow,” Applejack said.

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk all soppily about how much we love each other?”

“I don’t really see a reason for it.”

“Then what are we supposed to talk about?”

“I don’t wanna talk. I’m just gonna be antisocial until the fight starts.”

“You could at least be antisocial standin’ up.”

“Fine.”

“Four minutes until the fight starts. You need a souvenir, and you can get one just outside gate 3 at the Santander Souvenir Shop.”

“Twilight,” Rainbow said.

“What?”

“Can you hurt me?”

“Yes.”

“Will you?”

She slapped her in the cheek.

“Ow,” Zecora said.

Twilight slapped Rainbow in the cheek.

“I barely felt that.”

A spell that needed an expanding sphere of magic was the next step up, and Rainbow felt all of the pain of electrocution with none of the death. She fell down and wibbled around like a tasering victim.

“Will she be all right?” Octavia said, doing a word-by-word replacement of “fuck, is she okay”.

“She’ll be fine in a minute.”

“Only π minutes until the fight. Sick of π? Then go to the concession stand under the Santander banner for some pie. Available in apple, lemon, and cherry flavours.”

Pinkie giggled.

“What’s so funny?” everyone else except Rainbow said.

“Lemon.”

“Oh,” they said. Applejack smiled, clearly trying not to laugh. Twilight, Octavia, and Zecora seemed less entertained.

“C’mon,” Applejack said, “It’s funny.”

“This is the mature side of the luxury box,” Twilight said.

“Fahne. Then this is the fun sahde.”

“Does anypony have something to draw a line with?” Pinkie said.

“We don’t have an infinite amount of marker,” Twilight said.

“Twilight,” Zecora said, “Can you make a portal into another dimension for a moment?”

“Which one?”

“The first.”

“Yeah.” She magicked up a circle which looked into the first or fifth dimension depending on the side you were looking at and Zecora reached in and took out a roll of duct tape. She closed the portal and Zecora made a widthwise line across the middle of the box.

“Only З minutes until the fight. Due to the fact that you’re thirsty, you should buy a can of CAEB from the concession stand under the Santander banner.”

Rainbow got up. “AJ?”

“The tape’s—”

“No, I know. I was just wondering if you wanted to be sad with me that we can’t do anything sexual since we’re in a public indoor place.”

“You say that lahke we should be able to.”

“I think we should. It’s a political view so you can’t argue with me about it.”

“What I’m saying,” Twilight said, “Is that the other side is death.”

“No,” Zecora said, “The other side is getting high.”

“The other side is the immature side of this luxury box,” Octavia said.

“Those aren’t as big a difference as living and dead,” Twilight said.

Her opponents stood in stunned silence.

“You have a point,” Octavia said.

“I guess you’re right,” Zecora said.

“Two minutes until the fight begins. If you feel anything at all, the best course of action is to buy a can of CAEB. Randomly selected cans come with CAEB inside them!”

“I’ve had CAEB,” Rainbow said. “It’s really good and you should all try it.”

“You hate it,” Applejack said. “You’ve told me.”

“No, I love it. I drink it all the time.”

“Ah’ve never seen that happen.”

“You’ve never been to Felt, Oklahoma, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.”

“Illerbrun, Saskatchewan actually don’t exist.”

“That’s not the point, the point is that I love CAEB.”

“Uh-huh.”

— The transcribers should mark this quote with a quotation dash, Pinkie said.

“Look at them,” Twilight said. “They’re just having a contradiction and Pinkie Pie isn’t even doing anything. Surely we can do something maturer than that.”

“Be quiet and wait for the fight to start?” Octavia said.

“You know what? That’s barely insufficiently sane to fail.”

“One minute until the fight begins. If you have a thirsty foal, and if you have a foal, then I can guarantee that they’re thirsty, to go the concession stand under the Santander banner and get them a can of CAEB Jr.. It’s all the delicious taste of CAEB without the caffeine.”

“Should we sit down?” Rainbow said.

“Good idea,” Pinkie said.

The mature side continued to stick to Octavia’s plan.

“Let’s get ready to ruuuuumbllllle! In this corner, weighing in at 27 jardas, Twiiiiist!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“And in this corner, weighing in at 72 adrajes, Graaaaanny Smiiiiith!”

The crowd cheered wildly.

“Let’s ruuuuumble!”

Granny Smith and Twist slowly walked to meet each other at the centre of the octagon. Granny Smith did a kick-uppercut on Twist.

“Ouch!” Twist said. “That is my chin!”

Twist countered by doing a move so impressive, so difficult, that she failed and just kicked Granny Smith’s leg a little. She countered by doing another kick-uppercut, KOing Twist.

“Do I win?” Granny Smith said.

The referee felt Twist for a moment. Not like that, Faust. “She’s not dead. Fight’s not over until one of you is dead.”

Granny Smith kick-uppercutted Twist a few more times. “Is she dead now?”

The referee felt Twist for a moment. Not like that, Faust. “She’s not dead.”

“This fight’s gonna take a while,” Rainbow said.

“I wish we had food,” Pinkie said.

“2+3=5,” Applejack added.

“I don’t know why,” Octavia said, “But I find watching two innocent ponies having to fight for their lives strangely unenjoyable.”

“Come on,” Zecora said, “Who doesn’t like watching a good fight to the death?”

“It happened in ancient Rome so it’s realistic,” Twilight said.

Fifteen minutes later!

“It’s been fifteen minutes,” the referee said. “There’ll be a rest period of three minutes, then round two will start.”

Twilight stepped one hoof across the tape.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Pinkie said.

“Get back over to your side,” Rainbow said.

“Leave,” Applejack said.

“We’re attacking you to gain territory,” Twilight said. This prompted Rainbow to hit her so hard and swiftly and stuff that she lost consciousness.

“We surrender!” Zecora said.

“Very well,” Rainbow said. “You and AJ will talk over the terms over which you’ll be enslaved.”

“It’s time for round two,” Commentatory commentated. “Literally!”

“Mmmmm...?” Twist said as she got up at exactly the same time the round started.

“It seems to be going a lot like round one,” Twilight said.

“I couldn’t tell,” Zecora said.

“Somepony had to mention it.”

“Why? What was going to happen if no one mentioned it?”

“Awkwardness.”

“Anything more measurable or objective?”

“No.”

“Um, Twahlaht?” Applejack said.

“Yeah?”

“Can we get back to the negotiations?”

“Oh, sure. So what were your opening terms again?”

“You’re Rainbow’s sex slave an’ Zecora and Octavia are mah normal slaves.”

“I don’t agree to these terms!” Pinkie said, walking over to the tape.

“But you’re on our side.”

“I want a slave too!”

“Fine, you can have Octavia.”

“Excuse me,” Octavia said, walking to the tape, “But is that supposed to imply that I’d be a worse slave than Zecora?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Look,” Twilight said, “I’m not going to let that happen to them.”

“Then we’ll hafta kill you,” Applejack said.

“What do you think?” Twilight said to Octavia. “Death or enslavement?”

“I would pick enslavement,” she said, disrespecting the memories of every slave who’s committed suicide.

“Then we’ll go with that.”

Clock wipe!

“But why can’t we have sex?” Twilight said even though Rainbow had told her the answer a million times.

“Because we’re in a public place,” Rainbow said for the 1,000,001st time.

“We’ve had sex in public before!”

“I know, but this is a public building. It’s different.”

“So if it’s outside and public, that’s okay, but if it’s inside and public, that doesn’t work?”

“Yeah.”

“But what’s the point of having a sex slave if you’re never going to have sex with them?”

Rainbow kissed Twilight, which was happy times for a couple seconds.

“Rainbow?” Applejack said.

Rainbow stopped kissing Twilight. “What? Oh, sorry, I forgot that you’re here.”

Appledashness ensued.

“I’s a sad,” Twilight said. No one responded. “Does somepony want to tell me it’s okay?”

“Well, it’s not okay,” Pinkie said, “Your girlfriend just stopped kissing you so she could snog with your love rival instead.”

“I guess I’ll just depressedly sit in this chair. At least watching the fight’ll be fun.”

“Time’s up! Round two is over!”

“Really?” Twilight said.

“Noooo,” Zecora said, “This is all just a dream.”

“Shut up....”

Silence.

“Are you sure you want me to shut up for three minutes?” Zecora said.

“Yes.”

And so everyone except Rainbow and Applejack was lonely for three minutes.

“It’s time for round three! For round three, the combatants will be given KA-BAR® combat knives. KA-BAR combat knives: they’re pointy.”

A staff went into the octagon, gave a knife each to Twist and Granny Smith, and went out of the very same octagon he had entered.

“Three...” the referee, who by the way was not Refereey, said, “Two... one... RUMBLE!”

“Yaaaa!” Twist said. She jumped at Granny Smith and stabbed the knife with a surprising level of accuracy through the centre of her throat. Granny Smith countered by falling over and dying.

“Do I win?” Twist said.

“When she stops twitching and making ‘et’ sounds in attempts to breathe, then you win.”

“Dammit,” Rainbow said. “Stupid evil wins ending.”

Applejack, meanwhile, was crying since she had just seen her grandmother die. Everyone wanted to go and comfort her, but was too afraid they’d just say something that’d make it worse. Even Pinkie, with all her Pinkieish optimism, was too worried she’d say something stupid. Even Rainbow, with all her being Applejack’s girlfriendness, was too worried she’d say something stupid. Thus everyone, including a few dozen ponies in the audience, watched Applejack weep for a minute. Literally one whole minute. Zecora tapped Pinkie’s leg.

“What?” Pinkie whispered.

“You’re supposed to be the character that tries to comfort her.”

“I know, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“I don’t know... something about how you can’t change the past or your dead relative/friend wouldn’t want you to be sad tends to work well.”

“Well, if you have so many good ideas, then why don’t you do it?”

Zecora said nothing for a few seconds, seriously considering the possibility of saying “fine”. “No, you’re definitely better at it.”

“Fine.”

Pinkie walked to up to Applejack.

“Applejack?” and Pinkie Pie does a safe, reliable opening.

“Just leave me alone,” Applejack said.

“Okay.” Pinkie Pie walks away, and I have to say, I don’t think that went quite as well as she had planned. “See?”

“You never said you didn’t think you should do this because it’d be better to leave her alone, you said you couldn’t think of anything to say.”

“The medical staff have confirmed it!” Commentatory commentated. “Twist is the winner!”

The crowd cheered.

“Should we leave?” Twilight said.

“If we leave first, it’ll look like we have short attention spans,” Rainbow said. “We should leave once about half the others have left.”

Everyone in the stadium had this mentality, and an hour went by with only two per cent of the crowd leaving.

“It’s been an hour,” Twilight said. “Should we leave now?”

With an I guess, two yeses and two yeahs, the answer was clear.

“Can you teleport us?” Rainbow said.

“No.”

They all made it out without getting mobbed for autographs or, you know, having something interesting happen. There was a beautiful mane six-coloured sunset.

“I forgot we’re three hours away from Ponyville,” Twilight said.

“Can you teleport us now?” Pinkie said.

“No.”

Meanwhile at Programme Productions!

“How should we finish the chapter in three hours?” Chocolate Rain said to no one in particular.

“I have an answer,” said Soymilk Chocolate, “But I’m trying to think of a motorsport-based pun for it.”

One minute later...

“I know!” Soymilk Chocolate said. “Let’s Ceccon Scootaloo!”

Three hours later!

Scootaloo saw camerapony #1 and transcriber #2 in a golf cart and sighed. A camerapony and a transcriber driving to her in a golf cart was completely normal to her.

“Did you get that sigh?” transcriber #2 said.

“Yeah,” camerapony #1 said. “It’s hard having to drive with one leg and camera with the other. Why did I have to drive?”

“Because typing with one hoof, not hand, a fucking hoof and driving with the other would be even harder.”

“Maybe we should do a wacky job switch.”

“That’s okay.”

Even after that exchange, they were still dozens of metres away from Scootaloo. Camerapony #1 looked at transcriber #2’s laptop for a moment.

“Hey,” he said, “I’ve got it floored here.”

“I was insulting golf carts, not you. Like you said, you’ve got it floored here.”

Eventually, after many hardships, the two smart, beautiful staff members did reach Scootaloo.

“I’m not either of those,” camerapony #1 said.

“Don’t mention it.”

“Too late.”

“Hi,” Scootaloo said.

“Hi,” said the strong, quick, wise, slightly underweight transcriber #2.

“Yo,” camerapony #1 said in a futile attempt to convince anybody, anywhere, that he was cool.

“Why are you covering me?” Scootaloo looked a gift... wait for it... walrus in the mouth.

“Because we ♥ you,” transcriber #2 said.

“I still can’t figure out how they do that,” Scootaloo said.

“What, you mean the ♥ sound?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s simple. Just swallow your tongue, then vocalise an L as you unswallow it and it’s going through your throat.”

“That sounds impossible.”

“It’s easy.”

Silence.

“Your life is boring,” transcriber #2 said.

“Yeah, what’s your point?”

“We’re going to somepony else.”

“Cool.”

Once they left, Scootaloo smoked an entire pack of Lucky Seven™ brand cigarettes.

Chapter 12E: An Octavia-Zecora Chapter

“What?” Octavia said. “How would that happen?” Just then, by coincidence, she spilled a boiling pot of spaghetti on herself.

“Fff... aust!”

Lyra came running into the kitchen. “Octavia, I heard—Holy Faust!”

“Get me to Zecora!”

“Why can’t we use the normal—”

“Zecora!”

And so Lyra teleported them to in front of Zecora’s. She fucked up the teleportation a bit and put them three metres above the ground.

“Ow...” Octavia said, as if it wasn’t obvious. Lyra dragged her and knocked the door.

“Come in,” Zecora said, not opening the door or going anywhere.

Lyra came in with Octavia. Zecora was applying a bandage to Rainbow’s head. Rainbow also had bandages on her forelegs, if it matters to you.

“Oh,” Lyra said. “I see you’re busy.”

“No, I just finished. You can leave now, Rainbow Dash.”

Lyra made a space and Rainbow left for a good cloud, but not so good that she would keep falling asleep and dreaming about being a butterfly in a bar tended by Apple Bloom.

“Can you fix Octavia?” Lyra said.

“Is that a φth-degree burn on her right everywhere?”

“I should be asking you that.”

“I’ll need 3 Mottled Leaves, 5 Orange Herbs, and 10 Eyes of Everfree. Luckily, I have them all here. Making the appropriate magical version of tea will take about three hours.”

“Three hours?”

“Unless you can find me a Sprig of Wall.”

“What should we do, Octavia?”

“We should just wait.”

Three hours later!

“Here,” Zecora said, carefully hooving Octavia the tea. Octavia drank it and was instantly healed of all burn-related wounds.

“Thanks,” Lyra said.

“Thank you,” said Octavia.

“I... thank... you,” Lyra said.

“I must thank you so much, I am truly—”

“Leave,” Zecora said.

They left. Zecora looked at a random shelf.

“I need to start charging for these things.”

Chapter 136: Spike is Clopping Throughout This Chapter

“I love you,” Lyra said.

“I love you,” Octavia said.

They snogged.

“I’m sorry about how unfancy I’ve been recently,” Lyra said.

“It hasn’t been that bad.”

“No, seriously, I’m sorry. I’ll change. I mean I won’t change. I’ll act rich.”

“Lyra, it’s okay. I’m not thinking about ending our relationship.”

“But I’ve been terrible. I’ve been a terrible pony. I have been acting in a manner which is terrible.”

“You’ve been fine.”

“But you’ve been so unwaveringly fancy, especially all those times off-camera.”

“I don’t want you to act exactly like me. I love you because you’re Lyra, not because you’re me.”

“Are you sure I haven’t been terrible?”

“Yes.”

“So this was a short chapter.”

“What if some outside circumstance elongates it?”

“What are the chances of that?”

The door was knocked.

“I’ll get it,” Octavia said.

She did. There was nobody there, even after she turned her head left and right.

“Nopony,” said Octavia.

“That’s unusual.”

“What?” Octavia stepped outside a few steps, turned around, and saw Apple Bloom on her roof. “Was that knocking you? How did you get up there?”

“No. A ladder.”

Octavia went around a corner of her house, conveniently the correct one, and saw a retractable ladder leaning against the side of the house. The house is only one storey, so it’s not as bad as it sounds, but still.

“Who was it? And where did you get a ladder?”

“It was Scootaloo. And as for the ladder question, we got it from AJ.”

“And you carried it all the way here?”

“Yeah. We got a couple weird looks, but it went okay.”

“Where’s Scootaloo?”

“Ah dunno,” she lied.

“What’s the point of this? Why do you need to be here?”

“So many questions....”

“What’s the point of this? Why do you need to be here?”

So you can see where that went. In the meantime, here’s Fluttershy with the weather.

“It’s cloudy with a chance of pancakes hitting your face,” Fluttershy, in front of a greenscreen in a studio, said.

“Ah guess Ah should get down now,” Apple Bloom said. Just then, the ladder slipped, such that before it was like this: /|, and now it’s like this: _|.

“Er...” said Apple Bloom, “Help?”

Octavia put the ladder back up. It was a little tricky with quadrupedalness, but not that bad.

“Thanks.” Apple Bloom came down the ladder with hooves.

“What was the point of this?”

“So Ah could be a mane character again. With Zecora gone an’ Lahra’s place just temporary an’ unstable an’ stuff, it’s good enough ta be our Honda Opportunity ah the Week.”

“Okay... but then what was Scootaloo’s motivation? To annoy me?”

“Gave ‘er an apple.”

Chapter 152½: the food irradiation crisis

“Aaaah!” Rainbow Dash, a cyan pegasus who likes flying and stuff, said. Ironically, she had a leg, which had its base on her back.

“What?” Scootaloo, an orange filly pegasus, who idolised Rainbow Dash and stuff, said.

“I ate some irradiated lettuce and now I have a fifth leg!”

“Holy fuckeroni!”

“I know! Eating irradiated food make’s you radioactive!”

“Holy fuckeroni!”

Suddenly Scootaloo fell off the Cloud which they were conversiong on.

“Aaaah!” Scootaloo said.

“I’ll catch you,” Dash said. She flew down so fast she did a sonic rainboom by accident and wasn’t able to save Scootaloo who hit the ground at 63.692 mph. Breaking her skull in the process.

“No” Dash said flying down to Scootaloo “I have failed!”

now its time for a commercia lbreak

zZz ZzZ

Z: hey z

z: hey Z

Z: we need to talk z

z: about what Z

Z: your college fund z

z: why Z

Z: i gambled it away trying to win cocaine z

z: :(

“This is not the outcome I was hoping for” Dash said.

“Its ok,” the dashing smart and heroic winged unicorn or horned pegasus stallion Brightsword said. his fur was cream and he had a mane ob brown. “Because I can heal the dead!!!”

“Let me see Can you fix Scootaloo”

“I hope...” he said hoping he could revive Scootaloo He cast a spell the glowing ball of magic appearing as always.

“What” Scootaloo said “I’m alive?”

“Your alive!” Dash said. “Whoever this brilliant pony his, he revived you to life again!”

“My name is Brightdword,” Brightsword said. “This maybe a strange Question Rainbow Dash but do you have a spouse”

“No but I woudl like to be yours”

“Excellent”

THE END