DEATH

by Ruffian In A Jacket

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy, Adventure, Tragedy
Length: 4873

A man by the name of Markham Keen seeks to complete a now unclear task. Along they way, he meets some unlikely team mates...

Were you expecting a nice relaxing story? Did you want to to read something that has no foul language whatsoever? Are you Bob Ross? If so, than FUCK YOU, THIS IS DEATH!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-21 11:58:24 UTC

Chapter 1: Rebirth and Revenge

   Blue. All I see is an aurora of blue blurs. I feel nothing. All I hear is the beating of my own heart. I hear a humming noise ringing in my ear. A heavenly noise, it is. I see myself lying down. In my attempt to get up, I feel a sharp cutting slithering up my spinal cord.

   I wake up, and what I see is more frightening that anything I could imagine.

   I see myself laying down on a hospital bed. My leg looks like that of bloodied, ground hamburger meat. And there are what looks to be two paramedics on both sides of me. I scream a blood curdling scream that could be heard from across the universe. My hearing is a bit blurry, but I think one of them said "Quick! Get the anesthetics!"

   "Wha? Whaz goin' oh?" I mumble. I get no answer. Another doctor comes up with a needle. I grab his arm.

   I surprisingly strong grip, considering I broke his wrist when I grabbed the arm.  I then grabbed the needle and injected it into him.  He fell over, blood gushing put his mouth. The other two  doctors run off. I look out a window to see how tall the building I'm in is. It's uh...um...too damn high. So I crawl around the building to see what I can find. I find a doctor's suit and a gas mask. I don't think people here care much about fashion, so I put it on.

   The same two doctors run up to me. "Doktor!" he says, "Das Thema ist entkommen! Wissen Sie, wo er ist?" Jesus fuck. Of course they just happened to be German. I know some German, but considering I was just hospitalized, I can't remember too much of it.

   "Weiner schnitzel," I reply. They looked surprised.

   "Tötet ihn!"he cried, "Töte es mit Feuer!" I had no idea what that meant, but from the looks of the gun he was pointing at me, it didn't look good. So I did what I did before, snapped his wrist. But I missed and got him in the neck. I then grabbed the gun.

   "Auf Wiedersehen," I quip, "...you shit bag." I then blew both of their heads sky high.

   I go through the building trying to find my way out, then I came across a couple of files. They were the names of test subjects, including mine. I read through more of them, and I found out that there was a man by the name of Mortimar Khan that was reanimating bodies for research. Not for world domination or anything, but to see if he could find a successful way to reanimate his dead parents. And I was one of his subjects.

   I felt a bit guilty. But then I remembered how dysfunctional I was back there and question his work. Then I heard a groan. And it wasn't from my stomach. Then there were more groans, and each one louder than the last. I found out that they were failed test subjects. I didn't know which was scarier: that I was surrounded by zombies, or that I could've been one of those ugly motherfuckers. I just grabbed a bunch of files and ran off. I didn't have the time or ammo.

   I managed to get outside. While I was running out of the building, I scavenged some ammo, so I was able to kill some baddies. I continued to read the files. It turns out he grew up during an economic slump, so he didn't have much. But he did have a love for science. He had a very interesting life. I read on. But I stopped after finding out this one piece of information: We supposedly were both fighting in World War 2. And he kidnapped and tortured me.

   That was it.

   Now I had a goal: to stop Mortimar's plans and to kill that bastard. But first, I needed some gear...

Chapter 3: I Hate Myself for Being Human

   I can't believe what I see. I'm staring right into the face of a talking horse. I sit up. No stabbing feeling this time. "So..." I said, "where am I?"

   "Oh, you're in ponyville!” the yellow horse replies. I notice that she also has wings, pink air, and very light blue eyes. I also noticed she had a quiet voice. Very passive, too.

   I look around. Everything looks so…”girly”. I mean...REALLY girly. Like Tinker Belle having a tea Party with the Care Bears girly. I then remembered the pain in my leg. “AAGH!” I screamed, “You got a doctor in this world?”

   “Oh, of course” the pony replies, “why do you need one?” i then show her my leg. She faints. Fuck.

   “Hey, you!” I hear a scratchy voice shout. I turn around and see a blue Pegasus with rainbow mane in front of me.

   “This day can not get any weirder,” I exclaim. I then see her pet turtle. “Scratch that,” I exclaim.

   “What are you?” she asks.

   “A human," I reply, “and a very confused one at that.” She looks surprised.

   “A human?” she repeats, “I’ve heard those in fairy tales.”

   “Yeah, yeah, yeah, fairy tales, whatever, just get me to a doctor before my wound gets infected,” I command. She looks at my wound with a disgusted look.

   “Yeah, you might want that checked out,” she says, “Hop on.” She turns her ass towards me.

   “Well, I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going,” I joke. The pony doesn’t find it all that funny. I stare awkwardly. “Yeah, sorry,” I apologize.

   We then rode majestically to the hospital. Or, at least, I though we were. "We're going to somepony I know," said the pony.

   "He better be a fuckin' doctor," I reply.

   "She is...kinda", she stammers.

   Oh, it's a she.

   "What's your name, anyway?" I ask.

   "Rainbow Dash," she said, "But you can call me Dash if you want."

   "Fine by me," I reply.

   Dash stopped in the middle of a forest. A fucking forest. "IS this guy a witch doctor or something?" I cockily ask.

    "Well..." Dash answers, "...yeah." Awkward. I then notice a big ass tree with a wooden door on it. The door creaks open very fast. A zebra with jewelery pops out. I'm not even going to fucking ask.

   "So, this is my friend, Zecora," Dash says.

   "Nice to meet you," I say, "now fix my leg so I can get back to my mission." Zecora and Dash look at me with a queer look.

   "What is this mission you speak of, young one?" Zecora asks, "Does it involve vengeance, a badge, and a gun?"

   I reply with a firm "That is none of your business, and it's my fault for blurting that out."

   "Can you at least tell us your name?" Dash asked.

   "Markham," I said, "Markham Keen".

   "So Markham Keen is what you go by," Zecora said,  "Tell me how you got here, when, and why." While she was operating on my leg, I told her everything.  The machine, the leg (of course), and me shooting Nazis. I don't think it was the dumbest thing to say considering that I was shooting...well, Nazis. But I don't think they have Nazis here, so me saying that was probably like saying "I killed a fuck ton of people." Or ponies. Whatever.

   Everything stopped except for a quiet gust of air. "So..." Dash said, "...are you evil?" I stopped to think for a moment.

   "I don't know," I replied, "Then again, some questions are better left unanswered."

Chapter 4: ...All in the Name of Science

   I didn't get any anesthetics for my leg, so my early healing process was anything but pleasant. Zecora, Dash, and I had a couple of chats here and there, but nothing much.  We were pretty quiet because of what I just said. I guess I should've said "No," but I'm a very honest and upfront person. I didn't tell them about my plan. Wasn't THAT stupid.

   Zecora then later brought some sort of wooden bottle. It had a funnel tube and a gourd-like bottom. It's scent was very strong, but relaxing. "Here, Mr. Keen, drink this potion," Zecora said "this drink will forever keep you in motion. So take off the mask and-"

   "No fuckin' way," I interrupt.

   "Well, then how are you gonna drink this?" Dash asked. I thought about it for a while (but it was about a second to be %100 honest), and got an idea.

   "A needle."

   Zecora and Dash looked at each other. "You got anything, Zecora?" Dash asked. Zecora was thinking hard. I could tell from her expression.

   She then said, "Stay right here, I'll see what I can find, but my closet is quite a wreck, bear in mind".

   "That's fine, just try to get it as fast as you can," I said.

   Zecora walked off and went into a different room (possibly the closet). "So..." Dash said, "you're a human, right?"

   "Yeah, what about it?" I ask in an unintentionally rude way.

   "Well, what are humans like?" Dash asked. I thought about how I could put it in the best way possible.

   "You've heard of a yin yang, right?" I ask.

   "Yeah," Dash replies.

   "Well, humans aren't like that. Some aren't just evil or just good. There is no hero nor villain. Some do evil things with good intention. It's just how life itself is really. It's all about what the public eye sees. And that's unfortunate, because sometimes that means giving up how you want to express yourself. We are barricaded by moral value; what we THINK is right, not what we know is right. I guess that's why I hated myself for a while, because people cause nothing but trouble."

   Zecora came back with a needle. "Now don't move, young one, this will only take a second, and you shall be as good as new I reckon," Zecora rhymed. I then took the needle and jabbed it into my leg. My leg felt like a million dollars.

   "Sorry, I just really want to get better," I explained.

   "It's fine," Dash said, "If my leg was that bad, I'd do the same."

   I smiled. I then stood up and looked around the room. It was a very tribal heavy atmosphere, with potions, voodoo dolls, and spell books as far as the eye could see. I looked through some of the books, and I saw these things called "hexens", which is what is an experimental fluid to help living organisms without magic gain magic. But there were some magic spells I was more interested in: fire, ice, horse fly swarm, and many more which were supposedly made on accident.

   "Excuse me, Mr. Keen, but do you know those aren't supposed to be seen?" Zecora said. Does she always have to speak in rhyme?

   "Actually, no, no I didn't," I reply.

   "Do you promise, then, to never touch it again?" Zecora asked.

   "Oh, alright," I reply.

   Now I had a promise to keep. But this promise meant I had to find out more about hexens somewhere else. And I had one idea.

   "Hey, Dash!" I yelled as she quickly darts a look towards me, "You know where a library is?"

   "Yeah!" Dash said excitedly, "In fact, I have a friend that is a total book worm! She might find what you need." My eyes widen.

   "Awesome," I say, "Let's go" And in almost no time at all, we were off to her friends place. Dash and I had a small conversation. Apparently her friend's name is Twilight Sparkle.

   We soon stopped at another tree with a door. Except this one looked a lot less decayed. And the door opened much faster. "I heard had a human," possibly Twilight said.

   "Here I am," I said.

   "Oh this is great!" said Twilight, "I've never seen one in pony before!"

   "Well..." I said, "I'm glad I'm appreciated around here". Twilight had a big smile on her face.

   "I'l just leave you two alone," Dash said as she went away.

   "So, you've heard of hexens, right?" I asked.

   "Oh!" Twilight said excitedly, "You want to be hexidized?" I just gave a blank start through my mask. Twilight gave a "You serious?" type of look. "Never mind, just come inside," she said.

   The whole room was filled to the brim with books of all kind. Dictionaries, Thesauruses, Atlases, and, my favorite at the moment, Hexen books. I pointed towards the book with the title "Hexens: A Hoofheld Guide" and said "That one."

   "Oh! I've never tried to Hexedize a human, but it sounds fun," Twilight said, "What Hexen would you like? Growing wings, animal transformation..."

   I thought for a moment and said, "Anything that I can use to destroy things" I replied.

   Twilight looked puzzled. "Why would you ever want anything like that?" I told her my goal. Except a little..."edited".

   This is what I decided to tell her: "I was killed and tourtured in World War 2. I was brought back to life only to be tortured some more, and now I want to bring the murderer to justice." Twilight looked like I just killed her mood for the day.

   Now, don't be mistaken, I hate lying. But this was I lie I needed to tell.

   She gave me potions and needles I requested earlier, and I fuel myself up. First was "Ride the Lightning". my pores were open, sweat was coming out of my hands, and electricity was traveling through it. Next was on called "Jump in the Fire". My skin was burning. Then I started to suffer 5th degree burns, but quickly healed. Then I took "Tornado of Souls". Then "Whiplash". Then "Winter Rose", then "Scout", then "Painkiller", "Seek and Destroy", and many, many more.

   "How do you feel?" Twilight asked. I just but a floating ball of fire above my hand and said

   "Good...Can I get a mirror?" Twilight rolled her eyes and gave me a mirror.

   Then my reflection spoke. It said, "Hello me, meet the REAL me..." My reflection faded away, and I never saw it again.

Chapter 5: The Beginning of Markham's Militia

   I got my hexens. Great, now all I had to do was go to Mortimar’s place. I then heard a door slam open. It was Dash.

   “Twilight!” yelled Dash, “Come quick! It’s an emergency!”

   And we did just that.

   I had no idea what was going on. I rode on Dash while Twilight walked. We went to a school yard around noon with a bunch of ponies standing around staring at...whatever. I wasn’t able to see what was going on, so I moved through the crowd. I heard many gasps because I was a different creature than them. Bit judgemental, aren’t they? I was then stopped by what looked like a police man. Pony. Whatever.

   “Are you a medic?” he asked.

   I then remembered I was a medic in World War 2. “Yes” I reply, “I was one in World War 2. Now let me through.” The cop hesitated for a minute and said, “Well, alrighty then.”

   “Hey, Markham,” Dash said floating over me, “Don’t do it, what’s there can not be unseen.” “Dash,” I replied, “I’ve seen many things that I wish I’ve never even heard of.” Dash floated lower to ground level. “So just stay here,” I said, “I’ll be fine.” “Okay,” Dash whispered.

   I went through the audience and saw something so shocking I regret not listening to Dash.

   There were two ponies lying dead; one orange one and one sky blue one. Their heads were decapitated. Their eyes were impaled on stakes and there was a little walkie talkies on the side of them. I picked it up. It had a note on it.

   “To: Markham Keen”

  Yeah, I’m sure only good things can happen here. I speak into it. “Hello?” I ask.

    “”Yes!” a voice said, “You finally picked up! I’ve missed you all these years, you war-hungry pig, you! How are things?

   “Listen, whoever you are,” I say, “I don’t know why you're doing this, but you better stop or shit’s gonna fly fanwards.”

   “Hmph,” he laughed, “still got that smart-ass sense pf humor, huh? You really haven’t changed a single bit…”

   “Why are you doing this?” I asked assertively.

   “I heard that you’ve escaped,” he explained, “and I wanted to bring you back home.” Home? No fuckin’ way. “Oh, and I heard of your big plan”\

   “Who told you?”, I asked.

   “Oh, just a friend of yours that you’ve left unattended…”

   “Zecora,” I whisper.

   “That’s right!” he sang under his sinister voice.

   I don’t know if Dash overheard, but she had a worried look on her face.

   “What have you done with her?!?!” I said angrily.

   “Well…” he said sluggishly, “let’s just say she was great when we were having her over for dinner. She gave us some of her pie for dessert.” He then laughed maniacally.

   That was it. This is where I put my foot down. You can do whatever you want with me, but after what he did here is going too far.

   “I’m going to hunt you down and rip you a new asshole, you shit eating cock head!” I threaten.

   “Good!” he excitedly said, “See you at the Devil’s Playground!” He then hung up the walkie talkie.

   Now I was puzzled. What the hell just happened? This guy was fucking crazy. Now I needed directions to the Devil’s Playground.

   I then saw a little colt crying by my side. He was grey with orange mane. It was a bit spiky. And raggedy. Hard to explain. “They were my best friends…” said the little colt. It then gave me a hug. I then hugged him back. “Hey,” he said trying to hold back tears, “I don’t have a dad. Can you be mine? I’m going to be so lonely without my best friends around me. Please, just for a few days?”

   "Don't you have a mother?" I asked.

   "Yeah," he said, "but it's not the same without a dad around." I sighed.

   "Alright," I said, "You know where you're mom is?"

   "She's at home doing paperwork," he replies, "She rules the underworld."

   Holy shit, that is cool.

   "Hey, Mr. Keen!" Twilight yelled, "Hurry up!"

   "I need to go somewhere!" I said, "You'll have to go on with your day without me!"

   Twilight looked worried. "But I don't know if those hexens are stable!" said Twilight.

   "Well," I said, "then at least it was fun while it lasted!" And that was it. I then walked away. Nothing else was said between me and her.

   "So, show me where your mom is," I order.

   "Alight!" he said excitedly, "I can't believe I got a new dad! I bet we're going to have so much fun together! Oh, thank Celestia for this gift!"

   I don't know who Celestia is, so I don't question it. We wonder off and pass by some houses that are just trees with doors. Or, at least, that's how I see it. How they even make those things? They must be a pain in the ass to make.

   We then come across a basement deep in the forest. "Your mom lives in a basement?" I ask, "That's kinda sad." The colt pouted.

   "No!" he said, "It's a secret lair. Look!" He then opened the door.  There was a long staircase leading down to where  I saw a throne.

   “Wow,” I said, “Holy balls.”

   “Hey!” a woman’s voice shouted, “Don’t curse around my child! Why are you even here?”

   “He’s gonna be our new daddy!”, said the colt.

   “Um,” I say, “I’m starting to have second thoughts on this whole thing.”

   “What are you?” she said.

   “A human,” I say, “and a very enraged one, too.”

   “A human, huh?” she said, “How...exotic…”

   “Yeah, listen,” I say, “I need directions to this place called ‘the Devil’s Playground’, so if you could navigate or escort me there, that would be much appreciated.”

   “No!” she denied, “At least, not until you give me your name…”

   Oh, I know where this is going. I think for a moment about what I'm getting myself into. I could just go back to Twilight's place, but she isn't the God of the underworld, and if the Devil's Playground is there, she's gonna know it better than me. "How about you tell me yours?" I ask.

   "Fine then," she says, "My name is Deus Umbra, and that's my kid right there, Firefly."

   "But my REAL name is Commander Firefly," he corrects.

   "That's nice," I reply, "I'm Markham."

   "Well," said Umbra, "Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'll escort you to the Devil's Playground."

   Fuckin' finally. Deus Umbra then goes up to a magical portal. "Awesome!" I say, "This should take us right to the Devil's Playground!"

   "Actually," said Umbra, "I don't have enough magic to go straight to there, so the closest we will get is about 5 miles from the destination."

   There's always a catch, isn't there? But then I remember something. "Can we use that to go back it=n time?" I ask.

   "You could," she said, " but with the amount of magic we have, we can only go back to three weeks ago."

   "Never mind, then," I say.

   "I'm sick of all this talking! I want to go on an adventure!" whined Firefly as he did multiple poses.  I laughed a little bit.

   "Sounds fine to me," I add. We then all proceed to jump into the portal.

   When we jumped in, our cells were being scattered across time and space. It felt very cold. Firefly would've probably whined again at this point.

   We then all ended up in a rocky terrain. "Five miles to go..." I said to myself, "And I ain't got all day." And thus Umbra, Firefly, and I were known as Markham's Militia.

Chapter 6: Time to Kill 'Em All

   I look around and see a deserted wasteland. It looks a lot like a rock farm, but who the hell farms rocks? The pace also looked covered in snow, the rocks only barely showing. "Where are we?" I ask to anyone.

   "You're at a rock farm," a monochrome voice said. I turned to see where the voice came from (expecting Bella from "Twilight"), and see a grey pony with a dull shade of purple for her hair color. She was as plain as computer paper. But she was pretty, so it was fine, I guess. Her dress was also dull. It was a faded shade of blue with a black belt around her.

   "Oh," I say, "Well, I figured that. You know where the Devil's Playground is?" She looked confused.

   "You mean Fort Diablo?" she corrected. I look at her blankly.

   "Yeah, that sounds about right," I say, "What's the directions?"

   "Five miles north," the pony said.

   "Thanks," I say as I help up Umbra and Firefly, "C'mon guys, we got an adventure ahead of us."

   "Yeah!" the kid shouts, "I love adventures!" We then go through the snow filled, rocky tundra. The air pressure was really low. I didn't have anything to measure the air pressure, but I saw my own breath, so I assumed it was low. And I saw three others' breath. Wait, three?

   "Everyone get down!" I yell as quietly as I can. Everyone then ducked, and I saw the breath trail coming toward us. I heard a faint chuckling. I then saw a second breath trail behind it. "Stay right here," I whisper.

   "Wait," Firefly whisper back, "I wanna come!"

   "No," I reply, "You stay there! I can't risk you!"

   I then heard a faint "Warten Sie, ich habe etwas gehört!"

   Nazis. It's always Nazis. I assumed they saw us, as they came near us. They then pointed their guns to us and said "Es! Jetzt fick sie auf!"

But before they could shoot us, Firefly used his horn to shoot them.

   "Holy fuckin' shit!" I yell, "That was awesome!"

   "What did I tell you about cursing around my kid?" Umbra asked.

   "Oh, sorry," I reply.

   I checked their bodies for loot. One of them had a candy bar and a gun. Another had a knife and a rifle; the same one as his comrade. I gave Firefly the candy bar. He deserved it. "Alright, guys," I said, "let's get a move on." And we did just that. I remembered I still had the walkie talkie from Mortimar. I talked into the microphone of the walkie talkie.

   "Hey, Mortimar!" I say, "I hope you know that we just robbed and killed two of your men already!"

   "Is that so?" he replies "Then try and see if you can get out of THIS!"

   I then heard a static noise at the end of he rambling. Then machine guns came from the ground and started firing. We all ducked behind a giant rock. The rock looked like it would barely hold. So I then used my lightning hexen. It worked, but I felt empty. Like, literally. "Hey," I say, "Do you know about hexens, Umbra?"

   "Yeah," Umbra said, "If you need a recharge, you need to suck up blood." I looked around and saw the two dead Germans on the ground. I decided to walk over there and steal their blood.

   I felt so full. So great. So...energetic. Now that I got everything down, we just needed to go straight to the Devil's Playground. Look out Mortimar, because you're about to have your ass handed to you.

Chapter 2: Oh Shit...

   I look around. It looks like I'm in America, but I can't be sure. Maybe those guys were just Neo-Nazis or something. But now I need bigger guns, and better clothes. I looked at the police station for wanted baddies. I was now a certified vigilante. So now I was going after Jack "Bruno" Mars. 5' 6", leather jacket, steel toe boots, jeans, white shirt. Sounds like clothes I'd like to wear. It's gross, but it's either that or Nazi attire.

   So I walk around for a couple of hours, and sure enough, there he was. "Hey, buddy," I said. He flipped out.

   "Oh shit!" he yelled.

   I shot him in the head, made sure not to get blood on the clothes. I took him in a dark alley and got his clothes. They fit like a charm. The jacket was a bit big, but I'll grow into it. I remember the files I had read earlier. I had read earlier. I read them again. Apparently he has a time machine. That gave me an idea. If I'm able to go back to where he tortured me, I'll get to kill his sorry ass.

   Sounded like a plan.

   I hurried back to the building I was previously in. I had to find the directory to try and find the device. But then I remembered I was in an abandoned building, so there was no directory to  be found. So I then went on an Easter egg hunt. I found a room that said "alternativen Universum reisen Maschine". I'd assume that meant "time traveling machine", but I wouldn't know. I went in and saw the contraption.

   It was tubular, and had multiple TV screens inside it. It was also a bit rusted. Looked safe enough to me.

   I went it and saw a screen that said "Reiseziel: Pferd Hahn Britannien". I then threw up my hands and said "Fuck it!" and started pulling leavers. All it did was make farting buzzing noises. Then I saw one big red button. I decided to press it out of curiosity.

   The lights started to flicker, the room was trembling, it felt like the whole fucking room was going to blow up. Wonder how awesome it would look on camera. But then red, transparent, typewriter-style numbers started floating around. Then a sudden flash came. My life was flashing before my very eyes, color was being lost, everything looked like a pencil sketch. Then, all of a sudden, there was nothing. I was fast asleep. Knocked out. I was then woken up by a soft voice

   "Oh my...are...you okay?"