Beep boop, son, beep boop
SIGNAL TO HOME BASE
Wheel Axle 3 Inoperative. Wheel Axle 3 holding position. Please advise.
==>Your wheel is trapped under something. Get it out from under.
Standby.
Status: Wheel is KEYWORD ENTANGLED in NO CODE. Sending visual.
==>Okay, that looks like a vine. Use your cutting laser on that thing. "Jack, I thought these things were programmed to solve basic problems?"
Standby.
Activating Laser Cutting Arm.
Aiming at NO CODE.
Cutting.... please standby.
"Yeah, but cutting itself out of a vine isn't a simple problem."
"How the hell is it not a simple problem? You're trapped in a vine. You have a cutting tool. One plus one equals two."
"Does it know the vine can be cut? No. Does it have enough cognition to try pointing the cutting tool at itself? No. That would be stupidly dangerous in any other situation!"
Motion detected. Cutting ceased.
Orienting Camera One toward motion.
Standby.
"Oh, what?! Come on."
"What?"
"It stopped cutting!"
New NO CODE spotted. Labeling NO CODE TWO.
NO CODE TWO is creating sound.
NO CODE TWO is approaching.
Please advise.
==>Send image of NO CODE 2.
Photographing NO CODE 2. Sending image. Standby.
NO CODE 2 is creating sound.
NO CODE 2 is accessing NO CODE.
Wheel Axle 3 is no longer KEYWORD ENTANGLED.
"Would you look at that, the robot's free."
"Nice. Hey, what is that thing?"
"Oh, just some animal that walked up to the thing--"
NO CODE 2 is accessing with unit.
Unit is in unpropelled motion. Ceasing all action until unpropelled motion ends.
"What?! Aargh."
"What?"
"Hold on." ==>Activate video recording of your journey.
Activating Video Recorders. Standby.
"Holy crap, is it flying?"
"What?"
"Look at that shadow, it's moving in lockstep with the video!"
"Uh..." ==>Ground contact status?
Ground Contact at zero percent.
"Yep, it's flying. What the hell is going on?"
"Maybe that animal is taking it to its den or something."
"Well, darn. A few thousand dollars, and it's going to be eaten first thing. I knew we should have gone with the flying robots."
NO CODE 2 is creating sound.
"Yeah, yeah, sure...."
Ground Contact now at seventy five percent. Initiating diagnostics.
Central Computer Casing undamaged. All Computer components functional.
Wheel Axle One undamaged. Wheel Axle Two undamaged. Wheel Axle Three mildly damaged. Wheel Axle Four undamaged. Wheel Axle five undamaged. Wheel Axle Six undamaged.
Primary Camera Undamaged. Secondary Camera Undamaged. Primary Microphone Undamaged. Secondary Microphone Undamaged.
Solar Panels Undamaged.
Manipulator One Undamaged. Manipulator Two Undamaged.
Laser Cutting Arm Undamaged.
Liquid Analysis Arm Undamaged.
Diagnostics complete. Re initializing primary programming.
"Look at that. Quick check up and it's back to its duties."
SIGNAL TO HOME BASE
NO CODE 2 is continuing to access unit. Activate Native Interaction Program?
"What?" ==>Negative. Label NO CODE 2 as WILD ANIMAL.
Filing....
NO CODE 2 is now WILD ANIMAL. WILD ANIMAL is continuing to attempt access. Activating Flail Wildly program.
"Yeah, that should scare the thing off."
WILD ANIMAL is creating sound. WILD ANIMAL continues accessing unit.
Error. WILD ANIMAL has activated FRIENDLY status.
Deactivating Flail Wildly program.
"What?" ==>Reactivate Flail Wildly program!
Reactivating Flail Wildly Program.
Error. WILD ANIMAL has activated FRIENDLY status.
Deactivating Flail Wildly program.
"Oh for the love of...." ==>Send image of WILD ANIMAL. Determine cause of FRIENDLY status.
Sending image.
Cause of Friendly Status: Audio pattern recognized as FRIENDLY.
"What?!" ==>Send Recording of Audio Pattern.
Sending....
"Dua pimo, dua lih pimu, vufen vo karnil gahah petovo..."
"Is that singing? Are you listening to Asian music on duty?"
"I don't know, it's just something the animal used to get the robot to stop attacking it!"
"...dude. Those are words it's saying."
"No, it's just random noises. Maybe it's just declaring its territory."
FRIENDLY WILD ANIMAL is signalling location.
Following protocol: "Come here!"
"Oh geeze. You're supposed to be taking soil samples, not following strange animals into their den!"
"Relax, we'll learn a lot more this way!"
"Yeah, like how good a nest material our robot is."
"Ooooor maybe this critter has adopted our little mechanical friend."
"Oh, come on, what's the likelyhood of that?"
Error: Location determined as INTERIOR.
Error: Numerous NO CODES in area.
All NO CODES are behaving as WILD ANIMALS.
Labeling all NO CODES as WILD ANIMALS.
Activating Flail Wildly program.
Error: WILD ANIMAL is reactivating FRIENDLY status.
WILD ANIMAL is accessing unit.
Terminating Flail Wildly program.
WILD ANIMAL is creating sound.
WILD ANIMALS are ceasing motion. Please advise.
"Oh what now?"
"Sounds like our new friend has a lot of pets!"
"That makes no sense, why would a random animal have pets?! Or an interior environment for that matter?"
"Here's a crazy idea, it's an intelligent alien being."
"What, suddenly there's intelligent beings on a planet that had no signs of intelligence three months ago?"
"Hey, planets are big. And we were looking for radio signals. They might be pre-industrial."
Lack of communication from home base. Probable cause: Interior interference.
Locating exit.
Error: Exit is elevated.
WILD ANIMAL is creating sound.
WILD ANIMAL has created exit.
Exiting.
Home Base, please respond.
==>We're here. Your orders are to hoighso;dklvnfvn;sdfknvfldkjb;
Error. Code hoighso;dklvnfvn;sdfknvfldkjb; not found.
"What the hell Jack?!"
"This is first contact! First contact! Come on, let the robot stay with whatever that thing is!"
"What?! Why would I do that?! It's meant to sample the soil and plant life for eventual colonization--"
"Dude, do you really think anybody is going to sign off on colonizing a planet with a society already on it?"
"You are just SPECULATING. The creature isn't intelligent--"
"It has a HOUSE! It has PETS! It can SING!"
"Fine, you know what? Fine." ==>Conduct sapience test. "There, see? It'll fail."
Initiating Basic Math Test.
First Response: Positive.
Second Response: Positive.
Third Response: Positive.
Derived fourth response.
Initiating Mathmatical Function test.
First Response: Positive.
Second Response: Positive.
Third response anticipated.
Final Response Derived.
Processsing...
Full Math test succeeded. Initiating Identification protocol.
WILD ANIMAL has successfully identified Unit.
WILD ANIMAL has provided identification: I Lih La’irsai.
WILD ANIMAL has redefined idenification: La’irsai.
WILD ANIMAL is now labeled La’irsai and filed under Native.
"...WHAT?!"
"Hahahahaha! First contact!"
"That's it. I quit. I'm not paid enough to deal with crazy aliens."
"Oh come on!"
"No, sorry, this isn't my war or whatever."
"Who said anything about war?! Come on...."
"I'm getting a drink."
