THANKS, TWILIGHT!

by MrMattimation

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 2634

Equestria's economy is in the toilet, and Twilight Sparkle is to blame.

A month after Tirek's attempt to rule Equestria, the kingdom deals with its largest financial crisis in years. Equestria's economy is in the toilet, and why blame yourself, when you COULD blame somebody of higher authority?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-17 17:50:04 UTC

Prologue: At the Wal-Mart

Crowds were gathered all up and down Mane Street for the momentous occasion occurring on this day. The town had finally finished reconstruction after the disastrous events of the previous month, and it got a few new additions, as well. Ponies were all lined up for something they had all been waiting for since the last decade. Finally, once and for all, earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi all over Ponyville could do convenience shopping at an affordable and competitive price.

“That's right, Tom, a new Wal-Mart has just opened up in our fine town,” said the field reporter whose name was probably some sort of a pun on his profession. “Ponies have gathered from the farthest reaches of Ponyville to do their shopping at an establishment which claims, 'always low prices'. Among those who have arrived to get great deals on groceries, clothing, and work supplies is recently crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle. Hello there, Ms. Sparkle.”

The lavender alicorn was surprised that she had been approached, but nonetheless smiled and nodded. She turned her attention back towards the line.

“Yes Tom, even royalty is showing up at the new Wal-Mart. But the question remains; are the prices really what they're cracked up to be? Ms. Sparkle, what do you think about this claim?”

Twilight was again surprised. “Well, um, I don't know what to think. I won't pass judgment until I see the prices myself.”

The reporter nodded. “Tell us, Ms. Sparkle, how does it feel knowing you are entirely responsible for the economic downturn faced by this nation?”

This confused Twilight. “Uh, I, what?”

“Oh, you know, businesses are closing, houses are being foreclosed, ponies can't find jobs.”

“Well, these are all very unfortunate happenings, and it is true that times are tough, but-”

“Is it also true that you are a lizard, as some ponies say?”

Twilight didn't know how to respond to that. “...what?!”

“Or are you a Muslim? Ponies are also saying that as well. Tell me, are you affiliated with the terrorist organization Al-Qaeda?”

Twilight was sounding a little frustrated now. “Listen, I'm not entirely sure what all of this has to do with Wal-Mart's low prices, so can we-”

“What's your stance on abortion? Fox News is telling us you intend to kill babies.”

“First of all, I think a mare should have the right to choose what happens to their body. This includes what to do if they have an unplanned pregnancy. I believe they should have the choice. Second of all, why-”

“You heard it here first, folks. Twilight Sparkle condones the killing of fetuses.”

Twilight was beyond irritated, now. “What? That's not at all what I said! I'm just saying, a mare should have the choice to abort a foal should she be unable to care for it, or if carrying the baby to term could endanger the mother's life, or in cases of rape and incest. At no point did I say we should start needlessly killing fetus-”

The reporter didn't stop. “Do you know how many teenage stallions jack off to pictures of you?”

“Excuse me?!”

“What is your stance on homosexuality?”

“It's none of my business!”

“Is it true that the ESA is spying on our telecommunications?”

“Well-”

“What do you intend to do about the FCC's recent ruling on Net Neutrality?”

“I-”

“Is it true that you smoke marijuana?”

“One time! It was one time in high school, and I never touched the stuff again!”

The reporter was relentless. Question after question, he continuously scrutinized the poor lavender mare. Finally, she had enough.

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! For the love of Celestia, can you stop talking for three goddamned seconds? Jeez!” The mare practically exploded. She ran off, leaving the shocked reporter to stand alone.

“Tom, this is a very confused reporter, wondering what exactly he did wrong." The reporter was silent for a few minutes. "Now, about those low, low prices at the new Wal-Mart! Tom, I'm getting reports that the Target in Appaloosa is claiming to match any prices that may be lower at Wal-Mart, clearly we're seeing some competition here Tom. I will keep you updated."

Back at the news station, Tom nodded to his reporter.

"Thanks for keeping us updated, and thank you for capturing the princess's temper tantrum live. This is Tom Hiddleston for NBC Canterlot, signing off."

Twilight ran home. She ran all the way to the crystal castle which she now resided in, opened the door, ran all the way up like five flights of stairs, opened the door to her bedroom, and collapsed on her bed. Her tantrum was probably all over the news, now. She hoped to Celestia that none of her friends saw it, but she knew this was just wishful thinking. Right now, she just wanted to stop existing. Since the incident with Tirek, Twilight had been hounded nonstop by the press, all of whom were blaming her and her alone for the economic depression that Equestria was in. This incident was not the first incident, and it most certainly will not be the last.

Pulling out her new smartphone (which she was also criticized for owning, as it had recently surfaced that the product was produced using slave labor in impoverished countries), she checked social media websites. Sure enough, everypony was already talking about her tantrum and claiming she was an unfit leader. Conspiracy theorists were even talking about how she intended to turn Equestria into a communist regime. Locking her phone and placing it on her nightstand, she groaned in frustration and plopped her face onto her pillow. After several minutes, slumber took the princess. But the scrutiny did not leave her. For in her dreams - her nightmares, more like - the press was with her, as well. She would never be at peace, it seemed. When she wanted more responsibility, she didn't mean this.

Chapter 1

Twilicare. It seemed like such a good idea, at first.

The Reasonably Priced Healthcare Act, as it was officially called, was a bill passed by Twilight Sparkle to federally regulate healthcare. The Caneighdians had a similar act in place, and it worked just fine, so how was Twilight to know that this plan would be such a flop? The plan was simple; business owners would be forced to provide their employees with healthcare benefits, and if they decided not to comply, they would pay a fine. The opposition to this plan, mostly conservatives, claimed this plan was "targeting the upper-class". Fox News even compared it to "New Coke", and said they'd much prefer Coke Classic.

The first major problem arose when the website associated with this plan, healthcare.eq, was launched. The site itself was very, very buggy. A freelance programmer living in his mother's basement could probably code a better website. But that wasn't Twilight's fault, was it?

According to critics, yes it was.

"The Twilicare website," claimed several on internet forums, "was created, approved, and launched with Princess Twilight Sparkle knowing full well that there were technical problems."

Twilight sat at her desk, staring at a laptop, which she was criticized for owning because, like her cell phone, it was produced using slave labor in impoverished countries. She was simply scrolling down the page, manipulating the mouse itself with her magic, reading everything that everypony had to say about her healthcare plan. Besides the Twilicare website, ponies also criticized that those without healthcare were also fined simply for not having healthcare - or not being able to afford it.

Spike, Twilight's faithful dragon assistant, walked into the room.

"Twilight?"

Twilight quickly closed the lid with her hooves and spun around. "Ah, um, yes Spike? What is it?"

Spike looked at the laptop. "You're looking at internet forum comments again, aren't you?"

"Whaaaaat? No, of course not!" Her purple friend was not convinced. She sighed. "Yes, I was looking at internet forum comments again."

Spike shook his head. "Twilight, you can't keep worrying about what other ponies think of you. Now that you're in the public eye, ponies are GOING to say mean things, and there's not really much you can do about that."

He was right, of course. It happened to everyone. Celestia still receives criticism every day. Luna is not trusted by anypony, even four years after her return. Cadence was accused of having sexual relations with her guards. Of course, that particular theory ended up becoming true, only after her wedding.

Then Twilight realized she didn't have any guards assigned to her. Like, seriously, what the fuck?

Sighing, Twilight got out of her chair at the desk and started downstairs. It was almost noon, and she hadn't even had breakfast yet. Unfortunately, she wasn't exactly paying attention to where she was trotting. Tripping over her own hooves, she fell down the stairs... and fell... and fell... and fell...

Five flights of stairs later, Twilight had finally landed. Her injuries were mostly comical, but that still hurt like a bitch. A few seconds later, Spike made it down to the bottom.

"Whoa, Twilight, are you ok?"

"Fine, Spike..." she responded. Getting back up, she walked gloomily over to the kitchen. Grabbing a box of Froot Loops and turning on the flatscreen she had in the wall (which was produced using slave labor in impoverished countries), she sat down at the table. TMZ was on; they were reporting something or other about a celebrity diva who had relapsed into drug use. Twilight shook her head; the mare was such an admirable filly, back when she had her own sketch comedy show. She fondly remembered watching it on Nickelodeon. She was so lost in memories, that she almost didn't notice when the show turned its attention to another subject. Almost.

"...light Sparkle, beloved Princess of Friendship, was seen outside a new Wal-Mart in Ponyville yesterday evening."

Twilight snapped back to attention upon hearing her name. "...what?"

The announcer continued talking. "She was approached by a reporter, who after simply attempting to ask her what her thoughts were on the low prices offered by the establishment, was met with the kindness and elegance you would expect from a member of the royal family."

Twilight was met with an image of herself, shouting at the reporter from yesterday.

"But the question remains; are the prices really what they're cracked up to be? Ms. Sparkle, what do you think about this claim?”

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" the mare shouted, almost before the reporter could finish his sentence.

The present day Twilight gasped. "Hey, that's not what happened! They cut out a bunch of stuff!"

Spike scoffed, "Are you surprised? TMZ isn't real news, they just prey on celebrities because it's easy to manipulate things they said and make them look bad."

Twilight thought for a bit. "...Spike? That reporter told me that teenagers... um... pleasure themselves to photographs of me. You don't do that, right?"

Spike was out of the room already.

Twilight turned back to the TV and turned it off in disgust. She began eating her Froot Loops, which at this point were quite soggy. She wondered how badly today would go...

* * * *

"Aw, come on, Twi, not EVERYPONY hates you," said Rainbow Dash as Twilight sat gloomily at a table in Sugarcube Corner, surrounded by five of her other best friends. "We still like you!"

"Well, I know YOU girls do," Twilight began, "but it sucks, you know? I can't get any damn peace these days. It's always 'Princess Twilight! Your healthcare website sucks,' or 'Princess Twilight! Your cellphone was made using slave labor in impoverished countries,' or 'Princess Twilight! Teenagers jack off to photos of you!'"

The yellow pegasus next to her shrank a bit. "Um, can you, maybe, watch your language a little bit? Please?"

Twilight sighed. "I'm sorry, Fluttershy, you know I don't normally swear so openly. I'm just really stressed out is all. Another day, another crazy crack-pot conspiracy theorist talking about how I flew an airplane into the twin towers." Twilight's analogy made Fluttershy shrink even more. Because 9/11 jokes aren't funny.

Looking out the window, Twilight noticed a Seven-Eleven across the street. Unfortunately, the stress had driven Twilight to drink, and she was really craving a relaxer right now. She turned back to her friends. Applejack knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Twilight, it wouldn't do well for your image to be caught drunk," she warned. She then turned and looked at you. "You see this? This is how you're supposed to write my dialogue. Gettin' real tired of fanfiction writers typing 'ah' every time I say something with the letter 'I' in it."

Twilight groaned. "I know, Applejack, but I REALLY need one right now."

"Listen to me, Twi," Applejack began, "you DON'T need it. You need to stop now before you become an alcoholic. Like Rainbow Dash."

"Dude, Applejack, fuck you."

Applejack was right, of course. Twilight was on a downhill slope, and drinking would only make it worse. "You're right. I... I don't know what I was thinking. God, I'm really stressed out."

Rarity suggested, "Perhaps a vacation would do wonders for your emotional health, hmm?"

"And have all my critics complain about how I'm using federal funds to treat myself to a fun time? Yeah, no thanks."

"Hey, Twilight, don't look now, but that stallion over there is totally checking you out," Rainbow Dash interrupted abruptly.

"What?"

"I said don't look."

Of course, Twilight just had to look. Looking over, she saw a young-looking stallion, probably no older than 25, staring. Noticing that he'd gotten her attention, he blushed and quickly looked away. It was only then that she realized...

"Hey, wait, you were staring at my flank!"

The stallion got up. "Sorry princess, won't happen again, bye!" He ran out.

Rainbow Dash smacked Twilight in the back of the head. "Ow! Hey, what gives?"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "You egg head, you totally blew it!"

Twilight scoffed. "Sorry Dash, but I'm not interested in dating ponies whose attraction to me is only physical. I want someone who likes me for my smarts, for my personality, someone who enjoys a good book as much as I do! Not somepony who has the nerve to stare at my butt in public."

"Being fair, it's not such a bad butt..." said Fluttershy quietly. Suddenly, all eyes were on her. "...meep!"

They all looked at her for another few minutes, before returning to normal conversation.

"So, anyways," Twilight said, "I have this big princess summit in the Crystal Empire next week. And I'm really not thrilled about it."

"Aren't you excited to see Cadence again?" asked Pinkie.

"Well, yes, of course I am, but there's going to be a press meeting. And we all know how bad I am at those nowadays. I don't understand. Before I was given actual responsibility, I was just a pretty face to sit there while Celestia and Luna and Cadence did their thing. The moment I was declared 'princess of friendship', suddenly I'm public enemy number one! I don't even have that much power!"

"Maybe everyone's butthurt because it destroys their headcanon," said Rainbow.

Twilight sighed. "Do you girls think I'm ungrateful?"

"What do you mean?" asked Applejack.

"Well, just last month I was complaining about my lack of responsibility around Equestria. Now that I actually DO have responsibility, it's too much! I don't know. I just feel like I complain too much." Looking both ways, she sneakily pulled out a flask with her magic and took a long gulp. Yeah, maybe Applejack was right. Maybe she did have a problem. Applejack evidently noticed, as she was staring at her. Aw, shit, I really need to be more discreet...