Panzie's eyes crept open inside his helmet. A blinding light shone directly into his visor. It was the sun, bright and yellow through a high topped window set in a thick purple-pink stone wall. With a grunt, panzie rolled onto his stomach and pushed himself up from the floor. He was in some kind of throne room. The floor and walls were made of a violet stone, and a large red carpet stretched from one end of the massive hall to the other, connecting the strong wooden doors on one end to an ornate gold platform with water running from it’s middle step into small pools that emptied into some unseen plumbing system. at the crest of the platform a large flat bottomed throne sat, flanked by two deep blue tapestries displaying both a tree and some large cresting waves.
A quiet flapping from above brought panzie’s attention from his surroundings to a figure floating overhead. It was a white horse-like creature with a large pair of feathery wings and a long horn. From his position, panzie could tell the creature was female.
“uh...hello” panzie said to the creature regarding him with a rather odd smile. The flying horse creature didn’t respond, rather, it continued to smile with her eyes hidden under a bang of flowing multicolor hair that seemed to float on a nonexistent breeze.
“why...hello there” The pony said in a sexy...but very scary sounding voice. She lifted her head just enough for the sweep of bangs to fall from her eyes, revealing a pair of pupils the size of a pen head set in a pair of large round eyes. “My name is princess mo- Celestia.” She ceased flapping her luxurious wings and landed on the stone floor with a heavy plop.
Panzie wanted to step back after seeing those eyes of hers, but decided against it. For all he knew this was how every creature looked in this place.
“and uh..my name’s panzie” he said, eyeing the creature suspiciously. “might I ask if you know how I got here?”
Celestia’s smile crept a little wider, almost uncomfortably so.
“Oh, don’t you worry your pretty little head. I’ll get right on it...and you as well..”
Panzie smiled from under his helmet. Having not heard Celestia’s tiny aside.
“Well thank you Mrs Celestia, but I really need to-” he was interrupted as Celestia put her hoof to where his mouth was covered by armor.
“shhhhhhh” she mused playfully.
“uhh...what are you doing...” panzie said, staring at the outstretched hoof.
“oh, we’re going to be having a little fun, that’s why I brought you here after all.” She said.
“wait! YOU brought me here?!” Panzie roared, stepping toward the towering alicorn. She smiled dangerously, horn glowing. “Oh yes I did, now, you can either stay here and take what is about to come... or you can run.” Her face darkened “I would prefer you run.”
Suddenly from behind her, a large wooden rod with “the violator” etched between the haft and a tip studded with several iron bolts floated into view, wrapped in the same colored aura as that surrounding her horn.
“now,” she continued while twirling the small wooden shaft overhead, “how about you bend over so violator and I can get to work.”
Panzie looked at the stick, obviously designed for maximum pain during sodomizing, then back to Celestia. He took a step back.
“Y-you brought me here so you could...” he trailed off, seeing Celestia's eyes brighten mid sentence.
She began stepping toward Panzie, nodding and smiling wider with each step.
“Y-you...your crazy!” Panzie cried, picking up speed as he continued stepping backward.
Celestia lifted an eyebrow, then a stereotypical tan tipped plunger appeared in a puff of smoke, also surrounded by a pinkish aura.
“Well if you want crazy, I’m sure I can be more than accommodating.” The large alicorn said casually.
Panzie’s eyes widened. he whirled and sprinted toward the large doors that led into the throne room, only to be knocked to the ground with a large “sploonk” as Celestia mercilessly worked the plunger on the smooth white armor covering panzie’s butt as she squealed in glee. Panzie suspected that had he not been wearing his armor, “getting the crap plunged out of him”, would have been much more literal.
“GAH, GET OFF GET OFF!” Panzie screamed in vain.
Celestia gasped,”You can help me do that later!” She cheered in glee, sitting on top of the downed armor-wearer for increased leverage in her mad plunging.
Celestia continued plunging until sweat dripped off her head in sheets and her chest heaved with the exertion of so much physical magic. Sensing a lull in her incessant plunging, Panzie searched frantically for a means to escape. he groped his surrounding feverishly for several seconds. Celestia expelled a final breath and raised the plunger for another round. A light tap on the end of Panzie’s hand sent Celestia's abandoned “violator” on a short roll. As Celestia continued her attempt at plumbing the solid metal butt-plate on panzie’s ass, panzie slowly pulled himself toward the knobby, wooden stick.
The spelunking sound of the plunger mixing with Celestia's squeals of joy marked the passage of seconds as panzie desperately tried to grab the sodomizing stick. he stretch his arm to it’s limit on Celestia's downpush of the plunger, then was pulled back as she magically gripped it and pulled upward. She pushed down and again, panzie nearly got his hand around the small object before she pulled him away again. Once more and he gripped the stick just in time to be pulled away and deposited a foot away. he waited for Celestia to pull again then whirled and jabbed the end of the stick upward.
Celestia tensed and immediately dropped her plunger with a squeak of pain and surprise. leaving just enough time for panzie to jump to his feet and sprint to the large set of primary throne room doors, the plunger waggled behind, still stuck to his assplate like a short wooden tail. He didn’t bother looking back to see Celestia pull the stick from her butt with an only half sane smile.
Panzie slammed his way through the doors, only to find himself in a smaller(but still gigantic) hallway leading in either direction of the doorway. Panzie decided to take the left hall, sprinting in a mad dash for anything that resembled an exit. Minutes passed and there was no sign of Celestia, save for possible glimpses of those mad, mad eyes. Finally, another set of high rising double doors caught his eyes as he rounded a corner. They opened rather easily, as if they had been freshly greased at the hinges. The room beyond was dark, too dark. Pitch black, save for A hard shaft of hallway light cutting into the room like a golden knife. Panzie hesitated to creep in, but knowing Celestia was probably quickly approaching from behind, he gulped down his apprehension and sprinted inside the room.
As soon as he ran into the room, the doors swung shut with a resounding slam, echoing through the room for the ghost of a second. The darkness inside was absolute now, but a strange sort of purple glow was beginning to increase the further in he stepped. Eventually the light became bright enough inside for the armored protagonist to just barely clamber around purple tinted cushy chairs and gilded coffee tables. The glow increased slightly more, and the room itself became clear.
It was a circular room with a high rising ceiling. thick purple-tinged tapestries hung on the walls from ceiling to floor concealing the majority of the stonework underneath. several velvet padded chairs and shiny gold tables. On the far side of the room a spiral staircase that clearly led into some sort of under-croft. regardless, Celestia was probably just outside the door. panzie decided to keep moving and headed down the staircase. Once out of the room the darkness was absolute again, but like above, the further he walked the brighter it got. This time a more pinkish glow. Panzie groaned, this castle’s color scheme was beginning to really annoy him. fortunately, the light increased enough for panzie to make it to the bottom of the stairs rather quickly. At the bottom, only a very old door blocked progress. Panzie gripped a small lever on the door he assumed was the handle and began to pull lightly. the door didn’t budge. He pulled a little harder, nothing. It suddenly occurred to him that it might be locked. he set his jaw and grabbed the latch with both hands, then violently pulled.
The door swung open, a tad faster tan panzie expected, nearly tripping him up. He managed to catch his footing again and peer inside the door. Unlike the staircase the room inside was filled with light. rather than the pink decor of the castle proper, this room was almost stark white. Gold gilt ran the height of several two story tall columns. Spread around the room were several small gizmo’s and gadgets. Each seemed to be designed as a weapon, or possibly torture devices. There were several of them, but each had straps and various metal bibs and bobs. Panzie looked either direction, then lifted the closest one up. It was obviously some sort of torture device designed for a pony, actually it seemed more like a...
Panzie tensed and dropped the suit just in time for a very disturbing chuckle echoed through the room. Panzie whirled and was immediately wrapped in an aura of...magic?... He fought violently as an invisible Celestia slowly appeared from thin air with a large insane grin.
“So...you like them.” she said, lifting up the suit. “Good, let’s try them on.”
The very powerful alicorn stilled panzie’s struggling with a burst of magic, then lifted the suit to put it on him. Unfortunately, the suit was indeed made for a pony. The design simply did not allow for Celestia to force more Panzie’s foot or arm inside the rubbery black material. meanwhile panzie began working out a plan. After a few unsuccessful attempts Celestia tossed the suit aside in a heap. She tried it with several others only to get similar results. She began to pout.
“You’re no fun you know that.” She said in mock sadness.
“Why don’t you try that REALLY heavy one over there!” panzie said, feigning cooperation.
Celestia smiled. “Glad to see you’re finally coming around, we’re really going to have some fun now.”
With that she focused on a heavy metal set of straps and metal braces leaning against the farthest wall, Unfortunately for her she hadn’t realized just how heavy it was. She strained her magic a bit harder and her horn began to glow slightly brighter. She didn’t drop panzie from her grip, but the focus shift was enough for panzie to reach a strap on a nearby table. With the long leather strip in hand he pulled the strip back and threw it forward like a whip. It slapped Celestia on the flank with a loud crack. Her concentration broke and sent the floating panzie on the floor with a thump. Before she could react panzie was on her.
Within seconds Panzie jumped away to reveal a hogtied Celestia wrestling with her leather restraint. As quickly as she realized her predicament, her surprised expression changed to a disturbing smile.
“Oh dear, I’m helpless and tied up. Whatever shall happen to me.” she said, feigning distress. A small plunger appeared from the air in a puff of smoke. It fell lightly into panzie’s hand.
“Oh no!, I’m in a compromising position. I dare say this ruffian is going to keep my backside busier than the punch bowl at the grand galloping gala!” As if to prove her point, she positioned her rump toward panzie.
The armored protagonist looked at the plunger, then back to Celestia in confusion. As it dawned on him what she was insinuating, Panzie threw the plunger at Celestia's face and sprinted toward one of several official-looking doors. He left the room and Celestia groaned. With a quick snap she broke the restraint with little trouble. She lifted her head with a smile.
“OOOOOH SISTER!” She sang.
In seconds a bluish mist began to form from the air, then a loud crack of thunder blasted through the room and in a flash a shorter, blue-violet alicorn appeared. A flowing indigo mane with sparkling stars framed a face that was much unlike her sister’s. Namely, she appeared quite sane...and annoyed.
“Yes, dear sister” The younger alicorn said a bit dejectedly.
Celestia gave her sister a loving smile, which was met with a cringe.
“Fetch my hunting gear please” She said happily.
The younger of the two rolled her eyes and disappeared in a puff of indigo smoke.
Panzie continued sprinting down a hall filled with small wooden doors. Each one could be an exit, but he also knew the fastest way away would be the complete opposite direction. He heard a loud bang from inside the “torture chamber” and immediately decided it would probably be better to be out of sight than further away. Panzie quickly ducked into one of the doorways.
Unlike most of the rooms he had seen before, this one was decidedly average. Probably a maid’s quarters. It was rather small, having only a bed and a couple desks, A very shiny pot held a lone green flower. Which was immediately knocked off as Celestia appeared in a rainbow explosion through the wall.
“HEEEEERE’S TIA!” she cried, now wearing a safari hat and vest and brandishing what could only be described a massive plunger crossbow, the words “the plungifier 10,000.5 lovingly painted on the side.
Panzie immediately sprinted back out the door as a pair of plungers sailed past and each stuck to the wall behind him with a loud palunk. A crazed Celestia blasted through the wall in a cloud of curtaining dust, flying just behind the armored protagonist. A large door at the end of the hall appeared to be the only exit available. Panzie pushed himself harder to keep ahead of the flying monarch, occasionally jumping or rolling out of the way to avoid flying plungers. Celestia laughed maniacally as she made pursuit. He just reached the door when a plunger smacked him square in the back, pushing him forward and opening the big doors. Knocked off balance by the powerful plunger, panzie stumbled out onto the ledge of a balcony overlooking a huge forest and a cliffside. High above, the castle proper could be seen glowing like a torch in the mid-morning light. Unfortunately for panzie, his combined speed and momentum sent him tumbling over the edge.
Celestia watched as her quarry fell over the edge and plummeted into the treeline below. She gave an audible curse and lifted herself from the stones of the balcony, her powerful wings quickly carrying her to the bottom of the large drop. She searched frantically, but no sign of her prey could be found except a few broken branches. She even tried finding him with her magic, a self-created spell made to find naughty ponies who strayed too far from her bedchambers, but to no avail. She left, grumbling.
Several hours passed before Panzie decided the coast was clear and fell from a very scraggly tree with a loud thump. After dusting himself off, he scanned his eyes about his surroundings for a way out of these woods. He would have to be speedy, high above the sun was starting do tip toward the horizon. Creeping fingers of dark blue slowly overtaking the sky.
By nightfall panzie made it to a road, and to the nearby village of Foalington. Foalington was a small village made up of squat built buildings and dirt paths. The village had a quaint feel, with most of the houses emitting cheery light from open windows. Apparently security wasn’t much of an issue in this country. On the farthest edge of town, a large tavern called to him with happy pink and brown colored wood and light filled windows. Panzie entered the establishment, gathering a few confused stares from the many ponies enjoying the warm air and happy mood. Most of them turned back to whatever they were doing, being taught from a young age not to gawk at those different from them. The tavern owner was one of those that did not.
He was a brown earth pony with a deep red mane and a tattoo of what appeared to be a pillow on his rump? The brown pony eyed him suspiciously, until panzie convinced him he worked for the princess. Not only did the lie earn a reprieve from several watchful eyes, it also earned him a free room at the tavern owner’s (who’s name was apparently watchful eye) insistence. Panzie finished talking to watchful eye and pulled a chair up to the warm hearth surrounded by several happy ponies. He stared at the fire and It only danced with glee. was everything here so cheerful?
As firelight flickered on his visor, he began formulating a plan to go home.
The next day panzie found himself wandering into Celestia’s sister luna’s castle. Unlike Celestia’s high topped white and gold castle, Luna’s had deep purple walls and spires tipped with iron grey caps. Panzie noticed it was also much smaller as he stepped through the large empty halls of indigo. After minutes of searching the high ceilinged hall, he discovered his goal. A pair of high reaching indigo doors, mirroring Celestia's throne room doors in all but color. He pushed through them.
The throne room was comparable to Celestia's, with high vaulting windows made of stained glass murals, sweeping tapestries, and a large purple carpet leading to a more modest throne. Overall though, everything was noticeably smaller. The locals had said that Luna was a blue-purple alicorn, so it came as no surprise that the alicorn sitting on the throne with a flowing indigo mane filled with the glints of stars was the pony he came to see. Her piercing eyes watched him close in with x-ray intensity. Panzie had no experience with royalty(other than in the company of the plunger wielding Celestia.) So he did the only thing he knew.
Panzie kneeled before the throne. “Princess Luna of the land of Equestria” He said, putting as much respect in it as possible. “I humbly ask your assistance with a rather personal matter.”
The Indigo alicorn glared at him for a fraction of a second, then she softened noticeably. “Figures the first person to ask for me to do my duties would be someone who knows nothing about me.”
She smiled sadly, “Where are my manners. What, may I ask, do you need help with?”
“Well, it has to deal with your sis-” Panzie began before Luna held up a hoof, anger beginning to contort her face.
“Celestia this, Celestia that. DAMN IT does everypony have to make everything about her?” She roared.
“Whoa, calm down there Gorgeous” he said, trying to ooze in a little southern charm. “Why don’t you tell me what the big deal is.”
Luna calmed down and began relaying the event’s that led to her imprisonment on the moon, and how she was treated after being released. Namely, completely alone. Panzie patiently listened while she told the story. When she finished, it appeared as if some great weight had been pulled from her shoulders.
“Seems to me you didn’t deserve to go to the moon for a thousand years, I bet a good ass kicking would have sufficed.” panzie said, having heard the last of the story.
“That’s what I said!” Luna moaned.
Panzie gave a soft sigh, then decided it was best he ask her now.
“Now for the reason I came here. Your sister brought me to this world for reasons I’m not even going to try figure out. I’d like you to send me back home, if you can that is.”
Luna frowned, “I wish I could, but I couldn’t while my sister is in charge. She’ll never let me do that to you, because I assume she brought you here for her own enjoyment. The crap she does in the sack makes what I do to corpses seem tame.”
Panzie frowned, “wait..you do wha-”
“The only way I can think that she would send you back is if you beat her in combat. Which given your lack of magic isn’t going to happen.” She said, then began tapping her chin. “Aha!, I have just the thing.”
With that, she jumped from her seat and disappeared in a puff of indigo smoke. Her return several seconds later came as a surprise, She pulled a small box behind her with magic.
“She gave me this when she was drunk one day, You may be able to use it to defeat her.”
Luna opened the box to reveal a very large silver ladle.
“I’m not sure why she got it, but it has some of her magic in it. You should be able to cancel any magic she uses on you.”
Panzie grabbed the ladle and nodded. “Thank you Luna, I’ll always remember this.”
“Just remember your ass is mine after you die.” She said quickly with a glint in her eye.
“Wha-” He began, before he was surrounded in a cloud of indigo smoke.
Celestia sighed as a small puff of smoke appeared in front of here. She grabbed the small scroll that fell from it with a small vestige of her magic. She unfurled the scroll and began reading with a smile. Apparently Applejack needed a good spanking. After finishing it, she burned it with her magic until only crisps of ash remained. When it disappeared she was surprised to be met by a familiar armor-wearing man appearing from an indigo cloud.
“Can’t live without me eh?” Celestia said, her smile beginning to stretch into the evil one he remembered.
“I only want to go home. If that means I have to beat you in the face with a silver ladle, then so be it.”
Celestia frowned, “If you wanted to go home, all you had to do was ask.”
Panzie lowered his ladle. “You serious?”
Celestia returned to her odd smile. “NOPE!, AVAST YE SCURVY DOG!” She cried, four metal handled plunger appearing from thin air.
Panzie stumbled backward just fast enough to avoid four lightning quick plunger swings. He returned with a slash of the large ladle, only for it to be blocked by one of Celestia's plunger handles. The other three magic wrapped plungers swung in, hoping to take advantage of the gap in defense. Panzie jumped back, dodging the triple blow, The fourth one however, smashed into his leg. The small rubberized plunging tip slapping him off balance. The other three came crashing down while he tried to regain his footing. Panzie slammed to the ground, being hit from every angle by countless rubbery plunging tips. Celestia laughed in mad glee as the sound of constant plunger slaps echoed through the throne room chambers. She inhaled a large breath to prepare for another long chain of laughing and smacking, she gasped as a heavy blow knocked the air from her lungs. The four plungers lightly fell to the stone throne room floor.
Panzie pushed himself up and grabbed the thrown ladle off the floor. Celestia stopped coughing and picked the four plungers from the floor. Her facade of superiority shattered in an instant, Celestia was set on the defensive as panzie charged her, slashing out with the ladle and avoiding glancing plunger slashes. He pulled the heavy ladle back and slammed it into a blocking pair of plungers, sending them flying into Celestia's face with a “thunk”.
Celestia roared in anger and swung back with her remaining pair of plungers, determined to thoroughly whoop the little bastard’s ass. Panzie sidestepped, sending the much larger alicorn stumbling forward. Panzie slammed the heavy ladle into the back of her skull. Celestia hit the ground like a sack of potatoes, then disappeared with a flash. She re-appeared above him holding a BIG ASS SWORD and swung it down with the force a befitting a demi-god.
Panzie dodged the massive blow before he became part of a massive gouge cut into the solid stone floor..
“You cheating nugget muncher!” He yelled as she swung the giant(now flaming) sword at him. the crimson blade slashed through the air and slammed into a huge purple column, sending it crumbling into another one. What followed was an ear smashing domino effect as gigantic columns brought the entire building down around them. Celestia roared and swooped toward panzie with murder in her eyes. The armored protagonist instinctively raised his arms in defense as she lifted the gigantic crimson blade overhead. Panzie closes his eyes and awaited the crushing blow, but it never came. He opened his eyes to a Celestia half buried in the rubble of falling roofing stone. She was barely breathing. Panzie ignored the alicorn and frantically searched for an exit. Unfortunately, the door had fallen in under a mass of crumbling stone, and the window’s were smashed labyrinths of broken glass and sharp metal. Panzie noticed that the water from Celestia's throne flowed into some kind of underground plumbing system. A loud groan filled the throne room as the roof sagged, threatening to fall. Panzie, slammed his armored boots into the stone floor and sprinted toward the throne, but stopped short. Celestia still remained trapped under a smashed roof truss. Panzie hesitated, if he didn’t help her, he might never get home, then again, she might kill him when she woke up. With a crunch, the only remaining column snapped and the roof roared down. Panzie sprinted with every ounce of his speed and grabbed celestia, pulling her from the pile of rubble. She was heavy, but he managed to get her beside a large slab of fallen roof just as the world went dark in a cloud of white dust and stone.
When the dust cleared, panzie was surprised to find the both of them completely fine. Most of the castle however, had fallen into the thick forest canopy below. In the choked mass, Panzie swore he saw several ponies crawl from the stone wreckage bound and gagged in only the most hilarious of fashions. Celestia stirred. The white alicorn stood and regarded the armored protagonist with scathing stare.
“Do you have ANY idea how much money that castle cost! How many years it took to hide all the ponies in my secret quarters!” She roared at him. Her horn began to glow with magic, then slowly fade away.
“no, just...no, I’m done with this. You are going home now. I never want to see you back here again.”
Panzie smiled under his helmet. “So, do I just jump or-”
Before panzie could even finish the sentence, Celestia slammed a plunger tip to his head. She lifted him with a combination of suction and magic, then spun the plunger at blinding speeds. Meanwhile, the dizzying spins combined to make panzie barf up the previous night’s dinner of oranges and carrots.
With one mighty swing, Celestia threw the spinning plunger, sending it into a newly formed wormhole, carrying the sickly panzie behind.
Panzie felt air flow against his armor, then slammed against some kind of very soft wall. A few tugs on the plunger and it slipped off with a loud pop. He was on a large white plain.Any sound that was made seemed to echo in eternity around him, as if it had nowhere to go. Above him, a breathtaking pallet of stars speckled the sky in an endless living night. It was the clearest view he had ever seen. Panzie’s eyes froze on a gigantic orb in the sky, one covered in clouds and blue and green.
It was earth, and Panzie had been sent to the moon.
“DAMN YOU CELESTIA!!!!”
-fin
