Twilight was flipping through TV channels on her new Castle's television. She was completely bored out of her mind.
"AGH, there's nothing good on TV," she said flipping past my little human and Celestia's weekly address. Today was her only day off from working the Equestrian Pony meat factory and there was absolutely nothing on T.V. Even though the ponies she was slaughtering were all clones it still took quite a toll on her mind watching her friends ground up into meat paddies. At least the Equestrian Meat Factory had saved the Equestrian Economy otherwise it wouldn't be worth it.
"Wait a second, didn't Pinkie Pie say she was going to start her new cooking show today?" she said to herself flipping to the cooking channel.
The commercials were just ending. The theme song came on. With an image of Pinkie Pie using a mixing bowl in the background
***
Yum ways to die
So many yum ways to die
Yum ways to dieeee
So many yum
So many yum ways to die
"Hellloooo every pony and everybody for those watching this from the human world!" Pinkie said happily. "I'm Pinkie Pie and welcome to the first cooking with Pinkie Pie show. Its a huge honor to be chosen to host this show. I've been cooking ponies for years, but now I have the chance to do it for the whole universe. I'll share with you the many techniques that i've developed to kill, prepare and cook ponies, oh and also eat too." Pinkie Pie said quickly.
"Here to help me today, and to be the ingredients is Applejack and Appleboom!"
The camera focused on Applejack and Applebloom who were both slightly to the right of Pinkie Pie. Applejack, who looked only slightly worried, gave a nervous wave. "Happy to be here." Appleboom waved excitedly at the camera. "Look sis we're on TV! We're gonna be famous." Unlike her sister she didn't seem worried at all.
"You betcha." said Pinkie Pie. "Everyone is gonna want one of you guys now."
Pinkie turned back to the camera. "Today we're going to be baking these two into what I like to call... "APPLE FAMILY PIE!" she threw up her hooves and confetti flew everywhere.
"This recipe can be done with any member of the Apple family-"
"Even yourself Pinkie?" Applebloom asked.
"Oh, of course! That's called a Pinkie Pie Pot Pie, but thats for another episode!" Pinkie said.
She turned to face the camera again. "Anyway the first rule of eating a pony is not to let them eat for at least three days. This way their intestines will be clean of all that icky stuff that can sometimes be poisonous and is always not tasty. You can give them water but not 3 hours before.
Ok now thats out of the way lets go over the ingredients:
1 recipe pastry for a 27 inch double crust pie
1 and 1/2 cup unsalted butter
9 tablespoons super all-purpose flour
3/4's cups of water
1 1/2 cups of sugar
1 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
And last but not least
1 member of the Apple family per pie.
"In this case we are using Applejack and Applebloom."
Applejack looked uncomfortably at the the kitchen knifes on the table and took a gulp of air. "So why exactly do we need two of us Pinkie? Isn't one pony enough to make a pie?
Pinkie Pie licked Applejack's flank which made her flinch. "I'm using two of you, because I'm demonstrating the difference between a sweet apple family pie and a bitter apple family pie."
"Wait, don't all us Apples taste like apples?" Applebloom asked.
"For the most part that's true Applebloom, but generally the fillies like you and Babs are a little more sweet then the adult mares like your sis and Big Mac. And there is a bunch of different little tricks that you can do to alter the bitterness."
"Uh, what kind of "tricks" are you talking about Pinkie?" Applejack asked.
"We'll get to that later. First thing's first. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (or as some silly people say 220 degrees C). Melt the butter in a saucepan. Stir in flour to form a paste. Add water, white sugar and then the brown sugar, and bring to a boil. Reduce temperature and let simmer for a bit" As she talked Pinkie Pie did as she said, humming all the while.
***
The best thing about TVs in Equestria was that they had smellavision. That meant Twilight could smell the melted butter filling the room.
***
"Ok, while we wait for the oven to heat up we can start preparing the meat!" she said bouncing up and down. There was a transition and suddenly the 3 ponies were in the meat section of the kitchen. This room was a giant freezer full of meat hooks giant knives that looked like they could saw through bones, needles, a super sharp apple-peeler, and all sorts of grinding devices.
Hanging upside down from the ceiling were Applejack and Applebloom. Applejack was gagged with a red ball gag and firmly locked in place with ropes, but Applebloom was free to talk. Below them was a drain to collect all their blood from when they were eventually butchered.
"Now there are three way ways to prepare the meat for this type of project." Pinkie Pie said. "The long boring "Humane" way"
She rolled her eyes at the very notion "The 'laughing' way and the 'fun' way. Applejack shall do it the fun way and Applebloom should show you how to do it the laughing way. Both of which have their own pros and cons The first method is just to shoot them in the head to kill them right away, but thats boring so we are skipping it."
"Is it going to hurt, Pinkie?" Appleblom asked.
"Don't worry Applebloom, not your method. All I got to do is give you a little shot." Pinkie said with a smile as she pulled out a syringe and pushed it into Appleblooms neck.
"Ow." Applebloom said. "That hurt!"
"Its not that bad, besides thats the last pain your ever going to feel so enjoy it while you can. That was a mixture of Aceclofenac Acemetacin Amfenac Amfenac Aminophenazone Aminophenazone Amprioxicam Amtolmetin guacil Asprin Azapropazone Bendazac Benorilate Benzydamine Bromfenac Bufexamac Carbasalate Clonixin Dexibuprofen Diclofenac Diethylamine Saliclate Diflunisal Epirizole Ethenzamide Etofenamate Felbinac Fenbufen Fenoprofen Fentiazac Fepradinol Feprazone Floctafenie Flufenamic acid Flurbiprofen Glucametcin Rainbows Ibuprofen Imidazole salicylate Indometacin Isonixin Coka-Cola Mountain dew Kebuzone Ketoprofen Ketorolac Loroxicam red white blue Spectra Happness Lornoxicam Loxoprofen Magnesium salicylate Meclofenamic acid Mefenamic acid Mofezoac gay people Mornifumate Nabumetone Naproxen Nepafenac Niflumic acid Smiles Oxaprozin Oxyphenbutazone Phenazone Phenylbutazone Australium Piketoprofen Piroxicam LSD Proglumetacin Proquazone Pranoprofen Salamidacetic acid Salicylamide Salol Salsalate Sodium salicylate Sulindac Suxibuzone Tenoxicam Tetidamine Tiaprofenic acid Tiaramide Tinoridine Ziconotide Propacetamol PregabalinPenacetin Paracetamol Nefopam Gabapentin. And other drugs. It can be picked up at your local CVS."
"Is that ok for me to have in my system?" Applebloom asked. "Is it going to kill me?"
"No, but It doesn't matter you'll be dead before it kills you anyway so enjoy your trip. The medication makes it so that she doesn't struggle when I begin to skin and gut her." said Pinkie Pie to the camera.
"Oh ok..." said Applebloom starting to trip out.
"Now while we wait for your drugs to kick in, onto Applejack. This one is called the fun method because of the squirming." Pinkie Pie said. Applejack struggled against her restraints but her powerful muscles were no match for them.
"Now some ponies you are prepping, even if they are willing to be cooked before you start prepping them, are going to fight back against you while you cut into them. They haven't been disciplined enough by their masters and may want on some level not to die, but as long as you have the proper harness they shouldn't escape. I leave my victims alive so that the heart can pump their blood out of them faster. Saves hours of time."
Pinkie Pie reached for one of the knifes and rested it on Applejacks gut.
Applejack's eyes began to widen in fear and she shook her head no, as if she didn't want to be cooked anymore.
"After seeing the pony is secure begin by coring your apple."
Pinkie Pie stuck her knife into Applejacks crotch. Applejack's eyes rolled back in her head from pain and attempted to thresh around, but the restraints were too tight. She would have screamed if it wasn't for the gag which caused it to be a muffled scream instead.
"Make sure you don't cut into the intestines, that could be messy. Work your way up from the pelvis upward. Its kinda like cutting their slit hehehe. If its a boy you want to start from where the penis is. If its a girl start where her vagina is. Of course if you want to save those for later you do something different entirely " She jerked the knife upward towards Applejacks ribs. Applejack continued to make sounds with her mouth which was frothing slightly, tears rolled down her face.
"See how she's panicking? This allows for her muscles to create Latic Acid from the struggle. It gives her the bitter taste I was mentioned earlier. Doing this to her alive helps create this bitter taste." While Pinkie talked, Applejack's blood flowed down the drain.
"OOOO looks like fun! Whens it going to be my turn?" Applebloom yelled, stoned out of her mind.
"Give me a minute we'll get to you. Now you have to pull the organs out of the body." Pinkie reached into Applejacks body and began to pull out her organs. Applejack's struggling calmed down a little bit as she began to bleed out. Applebloom was singing songs as her sister bled to death.
"Don't pull out the intestines yet though. You'll contaminate the meat." Pinkie Pie said. "Its an amateur's mistake even though it can be fun."
Applejack took a final breath and her heart stopped.
"She didn't last as long as most Applejacks I've skinned. Well I guess she won't need these anymore." Pinkie said pulling out the heart and lungs.
"Now its time to do the anus and intestines." Pinkie said.
"HA you mean her butt? Your gonna touch your cousin's butt Pinkie Pie thats kinda weird. Haha." Applebloom said.
Pinkie Pie gave her a smile and continued her work. With her knife she cut about an inch around Applejacks anus and then put a rubber band on it. She then began to pull her rectum and the attached intestine out of the body cavity.
"Now its time to peel the Apple's skin." Pinkie Pie said grabbing the potato peeler.
"HA I get it its cuz we're apples right? heheh good one." Applebloom said.
"Remove the hooves at the elbow cuz they aren't really edible. I don't cut the head because I like to save them as trophies, but you're more than welcome to.
Pinkie Pie expertly cut off Applejacks worn orange skin from her body and put in a bucket. She worked her way from the rear to the front of Applejack. When she reached the head she carefully removed her head and placed it in the bucket along with the organs she wasn't using. When she was done she hung Applejacks neck on a meat hook and turned her attention to Applebloom.
"Now its your turn."
"Woo." She said spinning in circles on her rope.
"Now to demonstrate that, if you wish, you could do the skinning first before the gutting I'll be skinning Applebloom before I gut her.
"YAYAY YOU TELL THEM PINKIE DRAGON." Applebloom told her.
"As you can see at home the meds have her in a state where she couldn't feel anything. Her nerves are dead and she feels no pain or fear. She won't struggle or tense up therefore she'll produce no Lactic Acid and will have the 'sweet' flavor. Are you ready Applebloom?"
"Yes sir." giggled Applebloom.
Pinkie Pie took the potato peeler to Applebloom's skin. Yellow bits of skin fell off of Applebloom as she giggled in glee. "HAHA it tickles like bubbles." Pinkie Pie removed her hooves at the elbow but she didn't seem to mind. Instead she continued to hum happily to herself as her life blood drained from her body. Pinkie threw the lower part of her legs into the bins.
Applebloom hardly moved around while Pinkie Pie removed her skin from her body into the bins with Applejacks. Blood drained away from her body in massive amount but not as fast as the struggling Applejack. Pinkie removed the skin from her flank, stomach, and head leaving nothing but muscle in all parts of her body but her head. However because she wasn't struggling she wasn't dead yet.
"This is so much fun!" said the meat sack formerly known as Applebloom throwing her stumpy bleeding legs into the air.
"Its almost over now though."
"Awwww."
Pinkie Pie again cut Applebloom from crotch (she giggled as the knife cut through her young clit) to chest and removed her organs. Kidneys, livers, and other vital organs fell out of her abdominal cavity into the bucket. Applebloom's playful giggles got weaker and weaker until finally it was time to pull out her lungs and heart.
"It was fun while it lasted Applebloom. Thanks for being a good girl for us. Give her a hand every pony!" The sound of an audience clapping filled the TV.
"Anytime ya want." she said and with that last breath she breathed no more. Pinkie Pie removed her heart and lungs. She cut away the area around her anus and pulled the intestine out just like with Applejack. And then beheaded her and hung her up to Applejack.
"Now we got to let them hang a week to let their meat age for the more tender taste." said Pinkie Pie. "BUT we don't want to wait that long, right? Nope I don't think so."
Pinkie Pie walked to the left and on the screen appeared the butchered bodies of a filly and an older pony.
"Thats why I prepared this pre-aged Applejack and Applebloom meat sacks." She said poking the dead lump of ponies. "See these are just the right amount of squishiness you need for cooking a pie! Now lets get the meat off these bones."
***
Just then the real Applejack bust down the door to Twilights TV den.
"AM I LATE FOR THE SHOW?"
"Yes about 10 mins in."
"Darn. Did you record it?"
"No." said Twilight.
"Double darn I heard they were making me and Applebloom into pies today on Pinkie's cooking show and I wanted to see how it turned out. I bet my clone didn't even wince when Pinkie Pie cut into me right?"
Twilight knew lying was wrong, but if Applejack found out her clone was a wimp on universal television she would be devastated.
"Yep she didn't even shed a single tear." Twilight lied.
"Good, well at least I'll get to watch the rest and see how the pies turn out." Said Applejack making herself comfortable. "I would have brought Applebloom, but all this blood isn't good for a young filly to see.
Meanwhile on the TV Pinkie was almost done getting the meat off the bones...
***
"And be very careful you don't chip the ribs." Pinkie said. "Theres nothing more embarrassing then when you are eating a piece of pie and then all of a sudden there is something crunchy in your pie. Yuck."
Pinkie stood before a bunch of bones that had been almost completely cleaned of muscle and fat.
"Now lets get back to the kitchen so we can finish this pie!"
(Commercial break)
Hi there are you tired of disobedient pony slaves? Get the new pony slave shock collar! It comes with 3 settings. Painful, mildly painful and fatal! Never have to worry about your slaves rebelling against you again. Buy now for the low low price of 19.99! Order now!
Tired of your pony slaves running away? Try our new legless pony! Thats right 0x more leg! All the fun of having a normal pony with twice as a little risk of rebellion. Ask your local equestrian meat factory for prices.
(And now we are back)
"Welcome Welcome Welcome back every pony and every human. Today we are making Apple-family pies! We just finished our Applebloom and Applejack meat butchering and now its time to finish the pie!. Looks like the oven is heated up!"
"Do after me everyone, place the bottom crust in your pan. Take the apple family meat of your choice and fill it in. Mound it slightly and cover it with a latticework crust. Now smother it in that sugar and butter we melted earlier. Don't go too fast otherwise its gonna run off.
She put the chunky remains of Applejack and Applebloom into two separate pies.
***
"Which one is me?" asked Applejack.
"The one on the right I think."
**
"And now we set it to 350 degrees F and bake it from 35 to 45 mins depending how well done you want it. but we aren't going to wait that long. Instead I have a couple of pre-made ones."
She opened one of the ovens revealing five different pies.
***
"Mmm those sure smell good." said Applejack.
***
"I made these out of Babs, Applebloom, Pinkie Pie, Applejack and Big Mac." Said Pinkie Pie. And boy If you don't have a smellavision TV you should get one because mmm they smell good. Pinkie Pie stuck out her tongue and ate one of the pies. She ate them one at a time
"Applejack's tastes just the right amount of bitter."
"MMMM Big Mac. Kinda tough, but still good. Not the first time I tasted you if you know what I mean."
"I made Bab's pie with a perfect bittersweet taste."
"Applebloom you're so so sweet."
"And of course who doesn't love a Pinkie Pie?" She giggled.
"Ok thats enough for today's show! The total prep time is one week two hours and 45 mins. Enjoy your Pies. Next time we do rainbow cupcakes! And remember stay tasty!"
Yum ways to die
So many yum ways to die
Yum ways to dieeee
So many yum
So many yum ways to die
***
"Boy did those Applebloom pies smell good. I'll have to try that recipe sometime." said Applejack.
Twilight gave Applejack a startled look.
"U-using regular apples of course. Jeez Twilight I'm not a cannibal. Anyway if you see Pinkie tell her good job on her show. Anyway I got to go. See you later Twi." And with that Applejack left the castle.
Twilight sighed. Now that that was over she was bored again.
She stared at the TV for a few mins.
"I wonder what Rainbow Dash's reaction was to being turned into cupcakes..." she wondered as she turned it back to the cooking channel.
Author's Note
Got a recipe or pony you want Pinkie to cook? Leave it in the comments and she'll consider it. additional do you want to pitch your pony food/slave related product? tell us so we can put it in the commercials
Sources of reference:
http://www.wikihow.com/Dress-a-Deer
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/apple-pie-by-grandma-ople/?scale=8&ismetric=0
"Don't you frown now, cooking with Pinkie Pie will be back after these messages." said Pinkie Pie from Twilight's tv.
Twilight sighed and braced herself for the onslaught of commercials. She crossed her hooves for no catchy jingles.
-BZZZZZT-
The TV showed Rainbow Dash walking down an abandoned street of Manehattan. It was dimly lit with brink roads and a few street lamps casting what little light there was onto Rainbow Dash's brightly colored mane... and the bipedal stalker creeping up behind her. The figure was larger than Rainbow Dash by a considerable margin. In his hand he has a large butcher knife similar to the one Pinkie Pie uses to prepare pony meat. His mouth salivated as he approached his meal.
As the stalker tiptoed behind the unsuspecting Dash, a jingle began to play.
She thought murder was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for her.
Hee was out to get her (dum dum dum dum dum)
Like a fresh cut of meat (dum dum dum dum dum)
bronies hunting her in her dreams.
The Human raises a knife, prepared to plunge it into her and cut her flank into juicy pony strips.
And then he saw her mace
Rainbow Dash turned around with a smile and pulled out a can of green mace simply labeled "Get Shreked" and proceeded to spray it in the eyes of the would be rapist/murder. The murder clutched his eyes and dropped his knife to the pavement and screamed. He clutched at his eyes as if that could undo the damage.
"GAH MY EYES! I THOUGHT WE WERE USING WATER PEPPER SPRAY YOU FUCKERS AHAHAHAHHH!"
The song continues ignoring him.
Now he's gone blind.
Not a trace
Of light in his eyes.
he's gone blind
(oooooo)
He couldn't see her,
he couldn't stab he If he tried
Suddenly Shrek appears on screen dressed in his best suit and tie. He began reading off a script.
"Getting eaten by a hungry human and other animals is one of the leading causes of death for the unprotected pony. Protect yourself from the unwanted pony predator with my new patent pending Swamp Mace order now."
The number to call shows up on the screen and a donkey reads it quickly. "Swamp Mace contains ogre sweat and urine. Keep away from small children and away from the face and eyes."
Twilight made a note to pick some up for Fluttershy.
-BZZZZZT-
The TV screen showed a stage with Trixie, who was dressed in her usual get up. Bound up in the corner was Fluttershy looking very scared, tied to a chair shaking.
"Come one and come all to see the latest and greatest sex toys brought to you by the EQPMB. Tell me viewer. Has your slave been disobedient?" said Trixie "Do you want to remove their fertility so that their hopes and dreams of having a foal someday is forever crushed? Well we have the product for you!" she paused as if waiting for the answer.
"Of course you do! Introducing the Pussy Ripper Dildo! The newest EPMB product for torturing your pet pony when they misbehave." From out of her hat Trixie pulled what looked like a shinny aluminum dildo. However instead of being smooth and rubbery it covered with little bumps similar to a cheese grater, but instead of grating cheese, this sex toy was designed to rip into pony flesh.
Fluttershy's eyes got wide looking at the huge vaginal ripping dildo.
"T-trixie please, I-I want to have foals some day. Please don't put that in me." Stammered Fluttershy
"The slave will be quiet during the rest of the demonstration or else it'll be going up her rear next. Trixie said matter-of-factly to the Fluttershy clone.
"Y-yes master Trixie."
Trixie put a bucket underneath Fluttershy's chair and lifted The Ripper to Fluttershy's cunt and with a smile began ramming it into her. Fluttershy let out a small "meep" as her eyes glazed over in shock from the first impact, the skin and soft flesh from her vaginal wall was ripped off. Even if Trixie stopped now there would be permanent damage.
Of course Trixie didn't stop there, she continued to slide it in and out of Fluttershy turning her soft tender pussy into a bleeding pulp. There was no way she'd bare foals now. The access blood, ovaries flesh emptied into the bucket which Trixie took the liberty of sampling.
Trixie took a break to admire what was left of her marehood. Fluttershy was breathing heavily
"Behold, The Ripper has completely devastated this slave."
"Please Trixie no more." Fluttershy begged.
"WHAT DID TRIXIE SAY ABOUT TALKING!" She forced a ball gag into Fluttershy's mouth to shut her up.
Trixie re-positioned The Ripper dildo to enter her anus.
Fluttershy shook her head violently begging with her eyes. However this Trixie clone was a professional psychopath and was not swayed by her pleading eyes.
She began to force the tool into Fluttershy's rump hole, slowly and deliberately ripping and cutting into the sphincter as it went in and out, fluttershy letting out small moans of pain. Then Trixie sped up her magic letting out blood and shit. Fluttershy drooled slightly leaking out of her mouth onto the floor beginning to go into shock. going into shock. If left untreated, these injuries would kill her. However Trixie had no intention of treating her pet.
After Trxie showed off her most recent handy work to the camera she removed Fluttershy's gag. She was unable to say anything at this point, her mind was far too deep in shock.
"Behold the The Ripper has turned this piece of meat into a sobbing bag of beat up flesh. now for my next trick I'm going to make this Ripper disappear."
Trixie opened Fluttershy's mouth and rammed the death dildo down her throat causing her to deep throat. There was a gurgling sound as the dildo's bulge went up and down in her throat as her windpipe, arteries' and she began to choke to death on her own blood. Eventually Fluttershy went limp and moved no more. true to her word, Trixie had made the cheese grater dildo disappear down Flutteshy's wind pipe.
"As you can see the ripper is one of the best slave disciplinary devices on the market. Call now and we'll throw in another free."
-BZZZZZT-
An ad for Applejack cereal came on next. It was normal in every way with the cinnamon and the apple racing to the bowl of Applejack cereal. In fact, there wasn't even any apple in it. Nope no apples at all. Which begs the question; why do they call it Applejack cereal?
Twilight pondered this mystery as Pinkie announced that Cooking with Pinkie Pie was back.
"And now back to the show."
