Jake Mare's Mystical Testicle Book 1

by Steampunknarwhal

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Princess Luna, Thriller, Drama, Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Adventure, Princess Celestia
Length: 3795

Jake Mare goes on a sexy road trip across Equestia, having intercourse with everyone in his wake.

This is the story of Jake Mare, the boner bumping mareman. He is on a quest to nut inside everyone and everything in Equestria, no matter the cost. Book 2 will be up eventually.

WARNING, CONTAINS: gore, scat, extremely gay sex, crazy hardcore regular sex, drugs, nightmare fuel. Parental advisory not recommended.

THIS PROJECT HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

Published 2014-07-12 05:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-12 05:20:04 UTC

Book 1

Jake Mare’s Mystical Testicle, an autobiography by MareMan69me

Chapter 1: The Morning after
Jake Mare awoke, still feeling soreness on his blue horse cock after a night of hard work. His stallion partner Blike was running around excitedly with Jake’s love from last night spilling out of his brown horse anus. Jake and Blike had been roommates for at least a year now, after Jake literally became the cream of Blike’s crap. Jake cringed in disgust as he turned on his side, only to see the crudely penis-shaped chocolate stain on the mattress.

“Today’s the big day!” said Blike abruptly. “The Summer Sun Celebration is going to be in only a few hours. We better get going.” Blike tenderly tossed a calendar to Jake. Jake quickly scanned for today’s date, April 20th.

“Ok, ok, just let me catch my mare-ings…” Jake joked as he rolled out of bed with his condom still wedged in his own butt cheeks. Jake oegemiomed. Together Blike and Jake packed up, grabbed a quick bite, and headed out the door. They were now trotting to Cunterlot in search of the sex, for both somepony always gets to bone the Princess on this day.

Upon arrival in the capitol, Blike had to take a fat ogre shit and so he clopped toward the potty. The residents of the capital, AKA the stable population, were in a particularly good mood for this was the 2,000th anniversary of the Summer Sun Celebration, meaning that, (for the eighth time in forever), Princess Celestionk would sex the shit out of some lucky-duck-motherfucking-horse. Jake was determined to nut inside the fabled queen. He had been practicing for weeks now and had almost mastered the art of boner bumping. He practiced boner bumping at breakfast, lunch, and even at din-din with his parents and infidel sister. One might even say that he could boner bump a horseshoe straight through a cement wall.

On that thought, Jake Mare accidentally popped a massive chub when walking down the streets of Canterclop. Jake struggled to tame his raging dragon of the southern realm but found little success. At this point, several small fillies had taken a gander at both his discomforted face and then his erected grand-daddy-tree-stump. The awkwardness had intensified to the point where Jake’s anoose clenched so hard it could’ve juiced a ripe lemon. That’s when the crowd of ponies had turned to the Princess’s balcony, she was about to give her speech. This was it, the perfect chance for Jake to get selected for the sexing. All the princess had to do was draw his name from the choosing-fedora. The princess addressed her subjects and then turned to the classy hat and reached inside. What she had pulled out was a used tampon with the name ‘Jake Mare’ inscribed in a mix of mucus and dried semen…

Chapter 2: A Mare’s gotta Do What a Mare’s Gotta Poo
Of the two princesses, Jake could choose either one to sex in the b-hole. Jake chose Princess Luna naturally, for he prefers them young and tight… but not in an illegal way. After a few minutes of boring formalities, the princess and Jake turned to the feast table and hopped aboard.

“Put your love sausage deep in my mare-square.” The princess whispered into Jakes blue, soon to be squart-filled, ear. Jake had been boner bumping the princess on the Mane Hall table for at least twelve minutes.

“I’m gonna poke yeh with me b0ynr!” grunted the Mare man. His ballcock was now thrusting like a retard trying to hump a doorknob.

“That’s it, fuck my asspussy until I squart. That’s a royal command.” The princess managed. Jake’s eyes were now filled with a mad lust that only snickers could satisfy. He oegemiomed so hard he pulled a nut.

“HOLY HORSE SHIT, LEFT NUT DOWN.” Jake squealed, now grasping his ball bag in blunt pain.

“Are you not pleased with my heavenly vag, if you wish I can get the royal vibratio-staff?” Said the princess in an alluring tone. Jake ignored the suggestion and continued to fuck the princess, his Wonderbolt now at full-throttle.

“Wait… I’m ready to bust a nut!” Jake, ready to sploooooj, knelt steadily as his wein essentially became a weighty fire hose.

“Oh my goodness, I’m about to climax!” screeched the princess, now being soaked in Jake’s love seed. At that exact moment Jake truly became a Mare-man, he evolved to a new level of intercourse-horse. You might even say that the last time an explosion that big happened, Japan had surrendered. Together they had done the sex for at least another hour before they both hit the hay, exhausted.

“Gr8 vag!” Jake complimented, pulling out so fast that his throbbing horse cock slapped him in the face with a wet flop. “Ouchkabibbles, that really hurt.” Jake said, rubbing his face and penis simultaneously.

“Want me to kiss it and make it better?” asked the princess seductively.

“I have a better idea…” Jake insisted. Jake grabbed the helmet off a nearby suit of shining armor. He then fastened the helmet on his head and rammed his plated cranium up the Princesses’ puckered smacker. The Princess immediately wailed at the excruciating pain of the sheer size of the plated helm. Jake rammed his head deeper and deeper into the Princess. The diameter of the helmet is so large that the anguished Princess had a turdgasm then and there on Jake’s horse back. The warm, soapy brown liquid trickled down Jake’s back and eventually into his ass crack. Jake savored the creamy texture of the poop as it wiggle-waggled it’s was down into his asshole.

“Code brown, clean up on isle mare.” Joked the Princess as she exerted another juicy shit on Jake’s chest. Jake saw his blue and brown crap-covered chest and oegemiomed. “I’ve not seen a colt with this level of stamina in an epoch. We must inform our sister of this fabulous find!” The Princess spoke cheerfully, standing up and squeezing the helmet out of her pirate cove. Jake as well stood up, barely able to walk, said farewell to the Princess, and left for home. Jake was satisfied, for this is what he imagined his life would en-TAIL.

Chapter 3: Its only gay if the turds touch
Jake dukied in his lover’s mouth, knowing fully that his partner Cheese Sandwich enjoys the taste of it. Jake and Cheese Sandwich had been having gay sex in the Ponyville stables for a good few minutes now, it’s getting pretty intense.

" I love sheit.” Cheese squeaked as he squeezed out a massive crap on the floor. Cheese looked at the fresh turd he had just dropped. “I love the taste of it, the shmell of it, the texture…” Cheese said. To be frank, Jake didn’t much enjoy the smell of poop, 3-4 rounds of hot sex was more Jake’s kind of thing. Cheese Sandwich savored the flavor of Jake’s freshly steaming turd, only finding himself drawn to it and eventually penetrating it. Cheese Sandwich proceeded to penetrate the feces, his incoherent screech raised in volume until it filled the stable room. “Aeiou” Cheese screeched as he turned the brown turd yellow with cheese cum. He was now on top of the turd, forcing himself down into it.

“Punk fucking rock!” Jake cheered, watching Cheese literally fuck his shit.

“It feels just like mom told me it would,” Squeaked Cheese. “Feels like a bowl full of squishy peas!” Cheese pinched off a sweaty rose bud at the thought of it. Jake grabbed a heaping hoof-full of the shit and wiped it on his chest, making a satanic pentagram with the brown mush. Jake was now fairly exhausted after a long day of recreational shit-sex.

“I’m pooped.” Jake laughed, now removing his flaccid cock from Cheese’s shit-filled anus. After a glance at the clock, Jake decides that pulling out now would be the best option. He did have to have tea with Rarity at three, being late would not be very NEIGH-borly. “Hey cheese, I gotta go. You can keep fucking that turd if you want though.” Jake said as he walked out the stable door.

“Do you really have to go? We started only like, a half-hour ago.” Cheese protested.

“I’m sorry Cheese. I’ve got to do it, it’s my DOODY!” Jake said proudly as Cheese lost interest and returned to fuckin’ the turd.

“Mmphhh” Cheese replied, now stuffing his face with shit and making a lumpy brown smile at Jake. Jake oegemiomed at the sight of his shit-filled gabber. Jake then proceeded out the door. Now having exited the, now brown, Ponyville stables, it’s only a short walk to Rarity’s.

Chapter 4: I have to admit, I did knot see that coming.
“Hey, could I have a glass of water? My throat is a little HORSE!” Jake joked to Rarity, as she got even hornier by his joking. Jake knew that the ladies couldn’t resist a colt that made awkwardly not-funny jokes to get their partner aroused. No mare could resist his charismatic personality, let alone his well-renowned mystical cock. He had been attempting to bang every pony in Ponyville in a specific order. He’d already sexed the majority of the east-side of town, but now he had arrived at Rarity’s, making her the next to be due some Jake penis.

“Take me now, you silly Mare-Man.” Rarity squealed, trotting toward Jake, and jumping into Jake’s arms but accidentally tripping and falling face-first into her operational sewing machine. The machine violently began to shred her face into several bloody strips of red and white flesh. “WAIT, TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF, TURNT IT OFF!” Rarity had shrieked as the machine destroyed her bloody face. Jake quickly ran to the machine attempting to shut it off. He managed to turn it off, but it was too late… Rarity was dead, her face now distorted.

“Hey Rarity, can you stop HORSING around down there? What even was that noise?” asked a young Sweetie Bell from upstairs. Jake panicked, if Sweety Bell saw Rarity’s mangled body it would crush her. Jake Mare couldn’t let Sweetie Bell see the dead carcass. Jake acted quickly. He grabbed the large cloth bag off a nearby shelf and quickly stuffed the body inside, preventing the young mare from seeing the mangled body. Sweetie Bell came trotting in only to briefly see a curly purple tail get pushed into the bag. “What’s that you’ve got thurr laddy?” Sweetie Bell squeaked. Jake began to sweat nervously.

“It’s just some… uh… house plants! Rarity told me to bring her some plants to brighten up her house. You haven’t seen her have you?” Jake lied cleverly, he was never particularly good at lying, but now was very important.

Sweetie Bell looked a bit confused. “I thought she was here with you. Didn’t she come downstairs?” Sweetie asked inquisitively. “I haven’t seen her… she must still be upstairs making that pink fedora that Pinkie requested. Oh, I’ll go get her then. Sorry to keep you waiting.” Sweetie Bell ran quickly to get Rarity. Jake heard that she was now out of earshot.

“Phew, that was close. But what do I do with you?” Jake looked in the large bag to see an empty bloody face staring blankly at him. “I know! Blike can bury your body under his dog house… and I’ll take the liberty of cramming your severed head into the post office mail box.” Jake laughed to comfort himself; he knew that this would scar him for a while so joking was a good escape. Jake exits through the window. Jake oegemiomed.

Chapter 5: Crank up the Dank
Jake stirred in his alcohol-induced slumber. The previous day was a bit slow so Jake had procured some intensely strong alcohol from his banana-cottage/portable-meat-fridge, Joe Poloni. Joe Poloni was Jake’s previous roommate. Joe had left when he had gotten so mad at Jake for sploojing in his Pb&j that he came in all of Jake’s socks, and then came in his breakfast cereal without telling him. Jake ate the cereal. And Jake liked it. He loved it like a brother. Loved it…. Loved. Back to the subject, Jake had awoke and crawled slowly out of his bed. The package that he had ordered from Joe was sitting on the table in a small brown box. Jake opened the package only to find the ‘shrekreational’ Mare-a-Juana he bought from Joe.

Jake grabbed the green plant out of the box and stuffed it in his mouth, for Jake had discovered the secret of how to eat drugs and still get high… it’s all in the diaphragm. Jake began to feel woozy as his vision blurred. “Whoa, this never gets any easier.” Jake said almost falling after being exposed to such a powerful amount of marijuana. Jake looked out his window to see all the ponies in the street walking as usual and then for a split second they all turned brown… brown like poop. The grayness turnt back to color but the color was more then it usually was. All the colors he saw seemed to be… just… more. They were juicier somehow, like all the colors of the color spectrum were amplified. “Well this is new…” Jake said in a semi-amazed tone. Jake suddenly heard a thump on his door. He walked to it slowly and opened it only to see himself. His reflection, holding a spoon, began ramming his face into to the upward-facing spoon, spilling his blood all ogre himself.

The reflection, having now stabbed itself at least eight times, looked into jakes eyes as its head split off from its neck. The Reflection’s neck split in two, causing the swarm of spiders that were residing in the throat to spill out.

“OH MY FUCKIN’ GOD! THAT’S FUCKIN’ WACK!” Jake screamed, watching this horror unfold. In a split second the image had disappeared in a PURPLE HAZE. Jake fell to the floor that was now made of snakes. Jake cringed in fear as the ceiling began to melt into a puddle of fire on the floor. Jake screaked as the largest of the snakes lunged toward him. Jake lashed out, only to have his fist meet the shattered remains of a broken vase.

“I’M SO FUCKIN’ HIGH I’M GONG 2 SHEIIIIIT!” Jake screeched, beginning to accept his place in this trembling drug-induced world. Jake looked at his hooves, but they seemed to extend in length and stretch across the room.

“Stop blowin’ holes in my ship!” Said a mystical voice in the room that Jake couldn’t identify. Jake tried to stop his legs from growing but found no such success. His legs strained in size until they began to curl and fill up the room with their sheer mass.

This was it; the only thing Jake could do to stop his legs from growing was to suck his now inflating dick until it bled blue blood blee blagh. Jake hrookied to the shrush and began to boygle.

“This is getting froickin’ dink. I don’t thunk I can hnadndle this.” Jake said, now twitching and thrashing like a wild man. Jake eyes were bloodshot and he was shaking like a tree branch.

“Druuuuuuuuuuuuughsssssss are great maty!” Said the same mystical voice from nowhere. The voice was that of Captain Jack Sparrow from ‘Stallions of the Caribbean’. “These here drugs seem to be giving’ ye a knuckled buckler.” Spoke Jack in a hardy tone, dropping from the ceiling while simultaneously kicking over a lamp with his eyebrows. Captain Jacklemore walked across the room toward Jake with a banana in his chicken han. Jack, after walking half way across the room, trips and falls down antlers-first into the ceiling. “Well that just reminds me of the time that I drank so much rum that me bum turned inside-reverse over itself.” Jack laughed as he was sucked into the deep darkness of space. “…Ah no! All me rums gone!”

Jake oegemiomed, he was tripping some mad balls. “But captain, you have to find the dead man’s chest…” Jake said as he faded back into reality, finding himself lying on the semen and rum stained carpet of his living room. The only thing that remained intact in Jake’s pad was the strong scent of rum and the Black Pearl. Jake oegemiomed again, only this time he squarted so hard his bum ruptured and he was hospitalized for several months.

Chapter 6: ‘It’s A Long Way to The Clop If You Wanna ROCK and Bowl.’
Jake lay on his couch, wondering what he would do until Maud Pie came over. He had asked her if she wanted to come over to his house. After all it was sa-TURD-day, why knot hang out? Jake just lay motionless on his sofa until he heard a knock on the door… It wasn’t Maud, it was someone completely different.

“I’ve got the books you wanted to borrow from Twilight” Spike said from the other side of the door. Jake sighed slowly and opened the door only to see little spike standing there with the two books Jake had ordered: ‘Fifty Shades of Rainbow’ and ‘Game of Moans’. Jake took the books from Spike, eagerly awaiting the fun time he would have with them tonight. Jake thanked Spike for the delivery and turned back to his house. “Hey wait, don’t I get a tip for the outstanding delivery I just made?” Spike joked before Jake closed his door.

Jake, astonished, turned back to the small dragon and spoke: “Oh sorry, I just thought that I was just borrowing them.” Jake said.

Spike laughed. “I’m only joking. They’re free of charge… unless you can reward me in a different way…” Spike said, now making a slight smile at Jake. Jake looked down at Spike, noticing his scaled cock begin to unfold slowly.

“Want to cum in and horse around?” Jake questioned gaily, opening his door and letting the little dragon inside. Spike, now very excited, ran inside and jumped up on the couch. Jake locked the door and turned to Spike, he was now bouncing on the couch.

“I hope you’re ready…. Because herr cums the Pain train!” Jake grunted as he pounced on the dragon in a, ‘quick dash’, as one might say. Jake, now poised for some sweet action, grabbed Spike by his head and jammed his bright blue horse cock in the little dragon’s mouth. “TIME TO EAT SOME MEAT YA FUCKIN’ PUSSAAAY!” Jake wailed ferociously as he fucked the tiny lizard. Jake face-fucked the dragon as hard as he could, for he was waiting all day for some juicy action. Spike, now being boned in the mouth with a throbbing horse cock, sucked and slurped on the Mare Man’s wein, enjoying the sweet love juices.

“Are yeh ready for another Poke on the Water?” Jake joked as he came furiously. Spike wanted Jake inside him, and now was a picture-perfect opportunity.

“I want you to fuck me in the ASSSSS!” Pleaded Spike, his eyes fixated on Jake’s blazing middle nut.

“Alright, but you better get ready. It’s gonna be RUFF.” Jake bowed Spike on his back and slowly inserted his wedding tackle into Spike’s beef curtains. Jake quickly found himself enjoying the feeling of the reptile’s clenched butthole on his family heirloom and increased the rate at which he was thrusting. The speed that Jake was thrusting resembled that of Speed Racer giving The Fifty-Million Dollar Man a hand job. “Come on Spike, Booty Booty Booty Booty rockin’ everywhere.” Jake moaned as he squarted in the tight dragon arsehole. Jake and Spike continued to do the gay sex until the door received a stern knock.

“Jake, open your door. It’s Maud. We were going to play camouflage today, remember?” The foal said from beyond the door. “Oohhhhhhh… shit.”

Chapter 7: The Colts Are Back In Town
Jake gasped nervously; He quickly pulled out of Spike ass, picked him up, and flung him out the window. After cleaning himself up, Jake went to the door and invited Maud Pie in. “Sorry to keep you waiting. I’m also sorry about the mess.” Jake gestured toward the dirty couch. “I had a long night. I think someone SPIKED my drink.” Jake laughed uncomfortably, wondering if the tiny dragon died on impact.

“That’s an adequate response. Let’s go out and play camouflage with boulder.” Maud said in a monotone voice. Jake changed his expression from being awkward to being confused.

“Who the shit’s boulder?” Jake said in a half-amused tone. Maud stopped looking around the room and focused on Jake.

“He’s this! NOW IT’S PASTURE BED-TIME” Maud took the small rock out of her jacket and drove it at Jake’s head. The Mare, rock in hand, mercilessly beat the life out of Jake’s broken face. Maud Pie smacked Jake over and over again, each face-spank becoming a new page in this seemingly endless book of pain.

“PLEASE STOP. WHAT’D I EVEN DO?” Jake squealed as his face became bloody in a mix of red and purple. Maud smacked Jake’s horse head straight through the living room coffee table and into the floor.

“That’s for not calling Pinkie back after your romantic night of debauchery!” Maud heaved as she placed the blood-soaked rock back in her jacket. She quickly shidded on Jake’s now mangled face, then proceeds to leave.

“Oh… well… That actually makes a lot of sense.” Jake thought as he quietly wept into the bloody carpet. The footsteps of the Mare disappeared slowly before being replaced by those of a smaller creature. A bruised and battered Spike entered the doorway, and with him a deep hunger resided in his eyes.

“So you think it’s funny to throw a dragon out a window do ya? Because I’m about to stirrup your emotions! And now that you’ve made me mad, I’m gonna make you not glad!” Spike walked slowly over to Jake, now curled up on the floor with a look of absolute fear in his eyes. Spike groped his bad dragon and shoved it violently into Jake’s hickory smoked horse butthole. Spike penetrated Jake’s butt ogre and ogre until he was ready, and then truly released the kraken.

“SPIKE WANT.” The dragon roared as he came in Jake’s ass. Jake sobbed slowly against the force of the reptilian-dick. Spike, now thoroughly satisfied, exits through the window. “It’s all Orge now.”
{End of book 1}

Horse Puns a-Philly-ated with,
The Adventures of Blake Stone. 6th Vers. Vol. 5. Detrot: Penis Bagel, 19 BCE.
Days like this can really stirrup the emotions.
Well, it won’t be there furlong
Common mate, I’ll bale you out of studying
You’re never pasture prime
The stuff night mares are made of