Celestia visits the Colbert Report
“This is so exciting!” said Pinkie. “I’ve never been inside a TV before!”
“We’re not inside the television, Pinkie,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes. “I keep telling you, this is just a filming studio.” The unicorn and her friends had traveled to New York to attend the day’s taping. They had gotten seats in the front row of the audience.
“Ah never heard of this Colbert fella before,” said Applejack. “Comedy Central ain’t on my channel lineup.”
“That’s because you only have the cheap package,” said Rainbow.
“Cable TV only came to Equestria a couple ‘a years ago,” Applejack reminded her. “Bet you don’t get much signal at all in Cloudsdale.”
Over Rainbow’s grumbling, Pinkie pointed a hoof. “There he is!”
Stephen Colbert walked out from backstage. The suit he wore was dark, with a medium blue shirt underneath and a striped tie. The muted colors were offset by the red band he wore on one wrist. His trademark glasses were present and polished. Beneath them, his dark eyes twinkled mischievously and he smiled when the audience erupted in applause.
Colbert raised his hands. “I know you’re all happy to see me, but keep that enthusiasm on a tight leash. You have to save some for the cameras. When the “on air” light comes on, I want you to be as excited as possible.” He did a little jig to show exactly how excited.
“Some improvements to his outfit could be made,” mused Rarity as she analyzed the man’s clothes, “but against this set, it’s hardly noticeable.”
The Colbert Report studio was a work of art. On the walls surrounding the stage were projection screens, with slick wood paneling filling in the rest of the space. It was a blend of modern and rustic that somehow managed to work. All the angles and geometery had been calculated to draw the eye to the center where the desk sat. It was shaped like the letter C and had been clad with lights and liquid crystal displays.
A technician helped Colbert get set up. A few lighting tests were run with him sitting at the desk.
When everything was ready, the producer ordered the show to begin. The intro music started and the video screens against the back wall displayed the animated clip that would be shown on TV.
On cue, the crowd broke into thunderous applause and cheering as the cameras went live and began panning around the set.
At his desk, Colbert smiled and waved. “Hello! Good evening and welcome to the Colbert Report!” He dropped the t's off the end of the last two words.
The crowd began chanting “Steph-en! Steph-en!”
Colbert tolerated it for a moment. “Thank you all. Glad you could make it.” The audience got the hint and quieted down.
The comedian cleared his throat and glanced at one of the cameras. “Tonight, on the Report: Food and you. Where you put it; what happens when it gets there.”
He whipped his head around to face another camera. “Obamacare? More like NObamacare! I'll be detailing the details on why this vital, much-needed health stimulus should fail.”
Turning back to face the audience, Colbert smiled an infectious grin. “And joining us tonight is Princess Celestia of Equestria!”
The audience applauded and cheered wildly. The pony leader had become well-known on Earth since the dimensional doorways between worlds had opened more than a decade earlier.
The covert Royal Guard sitting next to Twilight shifted a little. She knew that the security forces went a little crazy every time the Princess visited Earth. Other guards wearing the traditional armor were out of sight backstage.
Colbert launched into the show with his typical maniac energy. Rainbow leaned over to Twilight and whispered, “When does the Princess get here?”
“They usually bring the guest on after the second commercial break,” Twilight said.
“How long is that?”
Twilight didn’t answer, too preoccupied listening to the show. She didn’t keep up on matters of the U.S. government very well, and wanted to take the opportunity to learn, even if it was from a comedian.
Fluttershy squealed happily as Colbert took out a cute puppy to demonstrate how members of congress were chasing their tails and not getting anything done. The rest of the audience echoed her sentiments.
Colbert continued to stroke the puppy until the commercial break. He got up from behind his desk and let a few people in the front row of the audience pet it as the technicians adjusted a few things for the next scene. When it came time to resume filming, the puppy was handed off to a stage hand.
The music came up, and the show resumed. Colbert started talking about some new Liberal conspiracy that may have involved either Bernie Madoff or Snoop Dogg. Sensing that she wouldn’t learn much of value, Twilight let her mind wander just a little.
She didn’t know exactly what the Princess would be discussing. A bare outline of the interview had been sent to Celestia several days before. Twilight had seen it while the ponies had been on the airplane to New York. Even if watching the Report wasn’t her cup of tea, accepting the invitation was worth it just for a ride in Celestia’s private jet.
Colbert finished up the segment and the cameras went dark again. A stage technician led the Princess from backstage over to the interview area located to the right of Colbert’s desk. As she came into view, the audience applauded. She responded with a nod and a dazzling smile.
Celestia’s stature was larger than that of Twilight and her friends. A normal seat wouldn’t cut it, so a compact settee had been brought out for her to lounge on. The lights and cameras had already been calibrated to accommodate for her pale coat and flowing pastel mane.
Once she was situated, the music played once more and the cameras focused on Colbert at his desk.
“Welcome back! With us tonight is an accomplished statespony, the leader of Equestria, Princess Celestia!” He jumped up from his chair and scurried the short distance over to the interview table.
Colbert settled into his seat across from Celestia as the applause died down.
“Thank you so much for coming,” he said.
“It’s my pleasure.”
“I have to say, you’re the first Princess I’ve ever had on the show. How’s that working out for you?”
“Running a country takes effort. Every day is something new,” answered Celestia modestly.
Colbert nodded. “Well enough about you, let’s talk about the rest of the universe.”
The guard next to Twilight seemed irritated. While she knew that it was Colbert’s job to insult heads of state for comedy, the stallion might not. Celestia wouldn’t have agreed to be on the show if she couldn’t take a joke.
“How are the diplomatic talks with the United Nations going?” asked Colbert.
“I believe good progress has been made,” said Celestia.
“Is that like okay-good or great-good?”
“It’s as good as you’d like it to be, and gradually getting better.”
“What if I’d like it to be a joygasm?” he asked with a straight face.
Celestia shrugged. “What you do in your spare time is your own business.” The crowd erupted in laughter.
Colbert couldn’t help but crack a conservative smile, which he pointed out. “I’m even smiling conservatively. No liberal emotions here.” He shuffled the blue pages his notes were printed on. “So where do you see dimensional politics five years from now?”
“I think Equestria will become a larger influence on the affairs of both worlds.”
“Large and in charge, huh?”
“That’s not exactly the expression we use.”
“Oh really? What do you call it?” Colbert leaned forward, eager to hear what the Princess would say.
“We use the phrase, ‘spreading love and tolerance to all corners of the universe’.”
“Is that code for 'conquer new places and build your empire'?” said Colbert, accusingly.
“Oh no, just visiting. We’re boldly going where nopony has gone before.”
There were a few laughs at the reference to Star Trek. Colbert asked, “So I take it you watch a lot of TV?”
“Well, only select programs, preferably with some informational content. Some seem a bit idiotic and lowbrow, although I think they mean well.”
“I have news for you,” said the comedian. “Here on the Colbert Report, we are the most well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiots on television.” The audience cheered.
“I don’t doubt that," said the Princess, smiling. With more than a thousand years of experience, she had a comeback for nearly anything.
“Getting back to foreign policy,” said Colbert, “what would you say is the biggest challenge in communicating with Earth leaders?”
“Probably species. Some are so concerned about our differences that they can’t see the similarities.”
“Either that or they’re blinded by how cute you are,” said Colbert. “Seriously, you look amazing for your age.”
“Thank you.”
“Oh, and I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Where can I get my own little ponies?”
“Well, it starts out when a mommy pony and a daddy pony…actually, I think you might be a bit young for this talk, Stephen.” Celestia smirked.
Colbert’s reply was drowned out by the crowd roaring with laughter. When they calmed down, he nodded seriously and a faraway look came to his eyes. “It’s true. I lied about my age to enlist in the News Anchor Corps of America. I saw things there that no young boy should ever see.”
Snapping his gaze back to Celestia, Colbert said, “But it’s all right now. I hardly ever have flashbacks." He shuffled his notes. “Moving on. You’ve become a bit of a celebrity here on Earth. How does that affect the internal affairs of Equestria?”
“I admit that having a whole other dimension to coordinate with does leave less time for matters at home. My sister and I are doing our best, however, and we have ambassadors and local leaders to assist us.”
“Well, I promise to support you as long as it’s the cool thing to do,” said Colbert. He raised one finger. “I have just one more question for you.”
He pointed at her dramatically. “How do you get your mane to look so fabulous?”
“I could teach you, but mixing magic and political commentary is rarely a good idea.”
Amid the laughter and applause of the crowd, Colbert stood up, bumping the pony leader's outstretched hoof with his fist. “Princess Celestia, everyone! Thank you, and good night!”
Author note:
If you’re a regular reader of my stuff, please note that this story is only loosely based on anything else I’ve written and shouldn’t be treated as part of the series.
Thanks for reading.
Celestia visits the Colbert Report
The Show Must Go On (by Eagle)
“Are you serious!? You aren’t joking, are you?” Celestia gasped, choking a bit from the water she had gulped from the bottle of water.
“No joke; I’m taking Letterman’s place next year,” Colbert smiled from across the desk
“Oh congratulations Stephen!” the princess replied, wrapping him in a hug over the middle of the desk. “I’m so happy for you!”
Celestia calmed down a bit and released him, letting the comedian catch his breath.
“Yea, I’m excited too,” he replied, standing and straightening his suit. “Can you imagine it? The Late Show with Stephen Colbert; it’s a dream.”
“Well, you certainly earned it.”
“Thanks, though there’s another problem I wanted to talk about,” Colbert replied, his face changing from happy to more serious, though not in a deadly way.
“What is it?” Celestia asked, quickly drinking the rest of the bottle so as not to repeat her previous mistake in case of more surprises.
Colbert looked down and put a hand to his chin, thinking of the best way to put it. He had never really had to ask someone to do something quite like this before. He figured Celestia to be the best, or at least most reasonable, host to do it, which was why he called her to his office in his show’s building. Still, he wanted to be careful so as not to drop it so suddenly.
“Well Princess I’m sure you know that when you try to do something new, even when it’s good and successful, other problems will pop up,” he tried to explain, moving his hands from one side to the other. “How there are good and bad parts of everything.”
“Of course, plenty of times,” she replied. “I had that problem when I started my show, but I adapted well.”
“Right, and do you know what it’s like to make something and just cherish it,” he asked. “Like it was your child?”
“Oh, I see,” she realized, turning to her motherly tone. “You are scared to leave your own show.”
“That’s the problem,” Colbert admitted, leaning back heavily in a leather chair.
“I can understand it must be hard ending it so,” she comforted him. “It has been around since…”
“2005.”
“My, that is longer than I thought,” she said. “It will be a shame to end it after such a successful run.”
“Exactly; that’s why I don’t want it to end, technically,” the human replied. “That’s the main reason why I came to talk to you.”
“I am afraid I don’t really understand,” she replied. “Nor do I see what it has to do with me.”
“Of course I would have to leave for the new job, along with my crew, but The Late Show itself is still relatively the same; just with a different host,” Colbert explained the example. “I want to do the same thing with the Report; give it a new host, but let its existence continue.”
Celestia was smart enough to see where this was going, and did not need any more explaining.
“You want me to take your spot!?”
“That’s right, I’ve got a good deal of faith in you” Stephen confirmed. “It’d be easy to keep the big ‘C’ logo.”
“My, that is a big offer. I’ll… have to think a bit.”
In truth, there was not too much to think about. She had already attained plenty of experience during the years of her own show, as well as her own little following. Beyond that, ‘The Celestia Report’ did have a nice ring to its name. To be totally honest, she could hardly refuse such an offer.
“It is a very tempting offer, Mr. Colbert,” the princess replied, reverting into a more official tone. “I’m just a bit afraid of switching to a new show, especially so suddenly. It has a very different… tone to it.”
“Don’t worry,” Colbert replied with a devious little grin, crossing his arms. “I’ll train you.”
“You really think this will work?” Celestia asked Colbert from the back left half of the stage.
“I think so,” he replied, taking a minute to wipe his glasses on his shirt. “Why wouldn’t it? I’m ready, I’m pretty sure the people will like it. You’re ready, aren’t you?”
“Oh, of course, of course,” she replied quickly. “I suppose it’s just nerves.”
“Well don’t worry about it; you’ve got the whole first half of the show to relax.”
“I would much rather finish it now,” she replied.
Before the conversation could continue, Stephen was given the call that the show was starting, leaving Celestia to her own thoughts. It puzzled her a bit as to why she felt nervous; she usually was not, and she was not sure why it was happening now. Her brain quickly came to the conclusion that thinking on it would just make it worse.
Her own thoughts were soon drowned out by the loud, pompous play of the show’s theme, and the wild cheers that followed as Colbert ran out to his desk. The cheer continued in its usual fashion of chanting Stephen’s name as he took his seat. The chant continued, picking up in speed until the crowd erupted into a second applause.
"Thank you all, folks!” he replied as the noise temporarily drew down. “Nation, if it weren’t for your fanatical shouts, I might forget my own name.”
Whatever he wanted to continue with was drowned in another sea of applause.
“Trust me, I could listen to it all night, but we’ve got to get to it,” he said with a smile. “So, let’s get to it!”
He turned in his chair to a new camera’s angle and looked into it.
“Nation, you know the world’s always embroiled in war, and that’s just as clear now as ever. The North and South Koreans are still at each-other’s throats, Russia and The Ukraine are ready to start fighting, and CNN continues its uphill battle for people to take them seriously again.”
He paused to let the noise die down before continuing.
“It’s been burning, since the world’s been turning, and nowhere is that more evident than in Syria, where their brutal slog of a Civil War has been dragging on longer than our own brutal slog of Transformers movies,” he continued. “Most recently, the Government forces captured the city of Homs after three years of fighting with a cease-fire and the rebel's retreat.”
“Now this war’s been all over the new through the years from the use of chemical weapons to the vast destruction to the country’s fertile sand fields. Everyone here on Earth has been trying to solve the problem through the various means; we’ve tried taking Assad’s guns, others have tried giving him guns, so that’s clearly all we can do to try and bring the peace.”
He turned to a new camera angle as a new picture appeared on to the top left of him on the screen.
“Interestingly enough, someone wants humanity’s virtual suicide to continue, and not surprisingly, he’s not human,” Stephen explained. “The Equestrian God of Chaos and product of Dr. Seuss’s fever dreams Discord has recently been expressing his joy like a teen girl falling in love with whichever trendy pop group is currently ‘hip’ on the market.”
“To quote from an interview earlier this week,” he continued. “It’s wonderful because my world is far less violent and more controlled. Earth on the other hand has enough insanity to make it seem anarchist by comparison. I can’t help but love every bit of it, and I’ve become giddy every time I hear about someone attacking someone else as it brings forth so many chaotic possibilities.”
“He gets excited about the mayhem that war causes? He’s clearly never been to a KISS concert, lived in Eastern Europe, or gone shopping on Black Friday,” Colbert continued as a picture of each event popped up on the left. “Leaders around the globe are condemning this… I’m gonna say bad acid trip figure? Unfortunately, we don’t have any kind of rehab for rowdiness and my evil British nanny is busy watching Charlie Sheen this week, which leaves us to deal with this problem ourselves, and that brings us to tonight’s Word.”
He turned back to the first camera as the segment’s logo flew across the screen to its place on his right.
“Chaos Control,” he said. “Now this isn’t going to be an easy one, folks. We can’t really change ourselves all that much since violence and other troubles are a staple part of the human being. We can’t help wanting to murder everyone, it’s just in our nature.”
“Nature Vs. Nurture, now with more bombs!” the bold white words stated on the screen under the logo, still hanging on the right.
“So how do we rid ourselves of people’s violent desires? We get rid of people,” he explained. “I’d try getting rid of the more disturbing ones first. Warmongers, criminals, that irritating kid who plays games with his friends outside my studio; I’m talking about you, Billy!”
“Your hopscotch days are numbered!”
“And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just have to resort to special suicide,” Colbert continued, jokingly taking his theory to an even larger extreme. “I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. We just get everyone on Earth to pop the C-pill, and this ‘God’ will be starving more than a Canadian in a Kraft famine.”
“Our Final Solution is actually final!”
Before the segment could continue, there was an audible phone ringing that interrupted his campaign.
“Oh, sorry guys; I’ll take care of this,” he said, picking up a large, black, wired phone from under his desk. “Hello. Yes? Uh… alright. Are you sure? I thought it would work. A-alright, sorry. Thanks.”
He hung up and put the phone back under his desk.
“Sorry, Nation, but ‘The Man’ has just asked me to stop telling you to kill yourselves,” he informed the audience. “They said that telling the entire human race to destroy itself might have adverse effects on everything, but I think they’re just tweaking the numbers again.”
“Well, I guess I’ll have to use plan B,” Colbert announced. “Break out the Holy Water, because this guy is ugly as sin.”
“His parents chose… poorly.”
“And that’s The Word, we’ll be right back!”
The show returned from its commercial breaks to the usual bout of music and wild cheering from the audience members. The front camera zoomed back in on Colbert to its normal view. From the beginning of the shot, Colbert put on a rather serious, solemn face, and kept in going until the noise died down and he got his chance to start speaking.
“Nation you know I love you, and you know I love this show just as much,” he started off. “You’ve been so nice to me, helping me get back on my feet from that last destructive relationship I was in.”
A rather old picture of Colbert on The Daily Show as a reporter appeared on the screen.
“And… well… if you’ve been keeping up, you might have heard that I’ll be moving on to a new show later this year,” he explained.
He paused for a moment to allow the crowd to release their sadness in the form of sighs and other unhappy tones.
“Look it’s not you, it’s me,” he claimed. “And I mean it this time because I found a job that’ll pay way more. Now why would I lie about that?”
“But Nation, do not fear,” Stephen continued, turning to one of the side cameras. “For even when I leave, I will leave you with someone to continue my work. But who can I trust to take over my show? Here to tell me if she’s ready to take over my show, please welcome Princess Celestia!”
He turned in his chair over to the right of the desk where the Princess was sitting, while the audience let out their own yells that lasted almost a full minute.
“So Princess, do you think you have what it takes to run this show? You’re stepping into some pretty big pair of shoes you’re stepping into; sixteen and a half, actually.”
Celestia blushed only slightly and chuckled; it was admittedly easier than what she feared earlier.
“Yes Stephen, I think I can do it,” she replied.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am very sure.”
“Very well then,” he said, changing his look to one of determination and judgment. “Then I must train you in the ways of the politically badass and morally righteous. Are you ready?”
“Yes.”
“Very well then; let it begin!”
The screen went black and shifted to a picture of the two in white karate gis, standing in front of two stands of concrete blocks, respectively labeled ‘Democrats’ and ‘people who wear fedoras wrong’, respectively. Colbert, with his black belt around his waist, easily broke through the first stack. Celestia, with her belt tied at the base of her horn, picked up her stack with her magic and hurled it at a picture and hurled it at a picture of the Vice President in the corner and shattering both, much to Colbert’s delight.
“My quest for a replacement began on this world, but after defeating Sylvester Stallone’s high score on Galaga, I quickly realized that this world had no suitable replacement for my powerful position,” Colbert’s voice narrated over a video playing. “So I decided to start looking at applications in the next world.”
“So why do you think you’re the best replacement for me on the Report?” Stephen asked from his seat in a simple, official looking room.
“Well I’m really good at throwing parties and everypony I meet says I’m a real great host,” Pinkie Pie responded from the chair across form him. “So I think a TV show would be really fun to do because it’s all about laughing! And I love to make ponies laugh, and people too! And animals too; most think they can’t laugh, but Fluttershy said they can. And my pet alligator Gummy seems to-”
“Uh, that’s really nice, but I think if I give you command over everything there it’ll turn into a seizure fest,” Colbert responded, cutting her off.
“Many of my other interviews went the same way as I struggled to find anyone, anything to continue the Report’s legacy.”
“I’m really excited to get a chance to teach Earth about Equestria!” Twilight said. “I could talk about our similarities and differences and our histories, sciences, and all sorts of interesting things!”
“Are you sure you’re at the right interview? You know I don’t broadcast on the Discovery Channel, right?”
“With each passing interview my hope faded.”
“I’m the best, fastest flier in all of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash boasted.
“Talk to MTV; maybe you’ll get a reality show,” Colbert replied.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie’s Report will have more than enough tricks to keep the audience amazed!”
“Yea well I can usually jut get a pack of sparklers and that tends to keep my kids busy for the day,” Colbert said. “Or even just a full lighter, that’s usually cheaper; gives them something to experiment with.”
“Each had some horrible fault that could not be overlooked.”
“I just love everything about you guys, you’re so amazing!” Lyra gushed in her chair. “I moved there and learned everything about the country and got a job and-”
“You’re stealing our jobs?” Colbert asked, pretending to write on a clipboard. “Sorry, I can’t allow that.”
“What?”
“I mean we’ve already got to deal with so many illegals from Mexico and Asia and all over the world, and you’re world’s just making it worse,” Colbert explained. “That’s two times the amount of immigrants we have to deal with, and that’s double the number of jobless Americans.”
“I really don’t think that’s right,” Lyra replied.
“Math doesn’t lie,” Colbert replied.
“But I’m a legal resident!”
Look, I know the government said a couple things and… poof, now you’re legal overnight, but-”
“It took me forever to finish all the qualifications!”
“Eh, time is relative,” Stephen said. “Next!”
“Nothing seemed to go the way it had to.”
“Well, I like everything I see so far,” the reporter said, looking over Vinyl Scratch’s profile. “You’re good with entertaining, have surprisingly good knowledge of our politics, and you’re… a musician too?”
“Yea, I love being a DJ!” she replied. “I kinda wish some of your tunes were the same though.”
“Wait, what?”
“I just think you guys need more dubstep,” she said. “And that early stuff wasn’t all that great; at least I don’t see what the big deal was. Like Elvis or those Beatle guys, they’re kinda over-hyped-”
“Get the hell out of my office.”
“I felt like there was nothing I could do,” the narration continued, showing a downtrodden Stephen walking slowly down the street. “But then I remember someone important, someone who thought just like me, someone who operated her own show just down the street from mine.”
“I would be honored to take the role of hosting the Report, Mr. Colbert,” Celestia said cheerfully.
“Excellent,” Colbert replied with a smug grin.
“I had finally found her, the one who would continue my work, and ensure the future,” the narration went on as the scenes changed. “But first, I had to train her fully.”
“What do you think about the government keeping tabs on everyone for security purposes?” Colbert asked.
“It’s a gross invasion of every American’s privacy, and it should be stopped fully and immediately,” Celestia replied, trying to sound as over-the-top as she could.
“That’s right, but you should go further,” Stephen said. “Tell them about how they’ll be watching all the time, like when you’re going to the bathroom, or having sex with your spouse!”
“I had to make her better, smarter, and… smetter.”
“Maybe there shouldn’t be any of restrictions on mari- ah!”
“No! No you fool!” Colbert yelled, spraying her with her water as if she were a cat. “You cannot show weakness!”
“And with time, she became the mold I envisioned; the representation of the classical American spirit.”
“Why don’t we just invade someone to fix the economy?” she suggested. “The economy always goes up during wartime. So all we need to do to keep a good economy is be in a never-ending state of war.”
“That’s brilliant!” Stephen jumped.
“I wouldn’t have to worry about my show dying without me, she would be the perfect replacement,” the narration ended, as the final scene of the two staring off into the distance with the background of a massive American flag.
The video ended and it turned back to the studio, with the two still there. Both were out in front of the stage, with Celestia kneeling down as Colbert stood over her. Stephen held a sword in his hand, the same sword he had gotten as a gift from his love of Lord of the Rings; the hero’s sword, Narsil, or at least one of the swords that had portrayed it.
“Princess Celestia, do you accept this show, and all its responsibilities, and promise to use them to uphold America’s values?” Colbert asked.
“I do accept them,” she replied.
“Very well,” he replied, lowering the sword along her shoulders as if to knight her. “I, Her Excellency The Rev. Sir Doctor Stephen Tyrone ‘Mos Def’ Colbert, D.F.A., Heavyweight Champion of the World✱✱ featuring Flo Rida, La Premiere Dame De France, do herby pass the hosting of the Report, to you.”
Celestia rose back to her four hooves as the crowd cheered. The two turned to the audience and smiled warmly, waving to the gathering of people, who continued to applaud. Celestia had secretly been terrified over their reaction, but now she could not feel prouder. Colbert also had to admit he felt content; Celestia would make a good host. Everything would turn out alright.
“Thanks for watching, Nation!” Colbert yelled over the crowd. “From the newly founded Celestia Report, I’m Stephen Colbert, signing off! Goodnight!”
Author's Note
By Eagle, who is doing a thing like this at some point in the future.
