My Kingdom, My Kingdom for Love!
"Roses are red and cute are puppies, and mine boasts heads three, oh how wondrous his diabolical pedigree, my little Cerberus and Me." I read out, allowing myself a snigger of amusement as I cradled my choice of late morning reading, a big pink frilly book titled 'From Tartarus With Love, Musings upon Friendship by bound hands, a poetry anthology by Tirek'.
"Challenge accepted, old friend. It is on." I chortled with glee, rubbing my hooves together as I raised my emerald-green quill in my trademark bluish white glow of magic. With another burst of magic from my horn I raised a sheet of parchment into the dancing light of the merry fire I had going in my crystalline fireplace. There was a frail flicker of failing magic before my sheet of parchment fell onto my open book. A little frown ruined my stunningly good features for but the briefest moment as I eyed the parchment warily. I didn't like being reminded of how my own magic is about as reliable as a chocolate phoenix.
Still, not letting such petty frivolities stop me, I tapped into my bottomless well of inspiration, that very same infinite genius from whence Equestria gained airships, the seven axioms of magic, sliced bread, condoms and organized clopnography. I allowed my endless muse to flow onto paper as I crafted my next work of literary brilliance to impress my old friend with. "My Little Crystal Heart, by His Royal Epicness, King Sombra. Hmmm....Eenie meenie pony mo, how fat doth Crystal Heart's plot grows....." I mused aloud, losing myself in every soft stroke of the quill.
"Still short of the plot hole from whence all your verbal diarrhoea doles, Master." A voice at the door muttered, darkly. A dark silhouette eclipsed the opening into the little den I had hidden myself in, casting a dark shadow across my comfy velvet armchair "You should write that down. I made a rhyme. And it is superior to yours."
"Great galloping boners!" I gasped, throwing a hoof over where my heart would be underneath my long purple cloak. "Crystal Heart, couldn't you at least knock on the door?! I almost had a heart attack!" I panted, snapping my pink frilly book shut with a burst of telekinesis as I rounded on the figure blotting out the doorway.
"Tsk." My loyal assistant, Crystal Heart, clicked her tongue, as if regretting my apparent survival. "A heart attack requires a heart, Master." She said as if stating the obvious, rolling her eyes up towards her long flowing silver white mane. "I am quite sure that in her commendable zeal in repeatedly attempting to murder you your faithful student Sunset Shimmer has proven without a shadow of a doubt that you are, in fact, heartless."
"I do too have a heart! And it does hurt when you're being mean to me." I muttered in a hurt voice. "Pinions! Crystal Heart is being mean to me again! Bring me Woona!" I wailed. A flock of miniature ponies borne on glittering gossamer wings fluttered up in a little chorus of chirpy cheerfulness. They trailed glitter and light in their wake within which was bound a little midnight-blue alicorn plushie with a mane of a slightly lighter hue.
"What was that you've decided to call the breezies today?" Crystal Heart asked. "Not that it matters, considering you will call them something else entirely tomorrow."
"Pony minions, Pinions for short. Every evil genius must have minions." I said, matter-of-factly, before grabbing the proffered plushie in my hooves. I cleared my throat dramatically before wailing most profusely. "W-Woona, Crystal Heart is being mean to meeeee!" I whined, hugging the plushie tight against my grieving man-chest as I man-cried man-tears into it. I paused just a moment amidst my wailing to push a little bowl of sugar cubes towards my pinions upon which they quickly descended to a chorus of happy little giggles.
Crystal Heart rolled her eyes so hard it hurt. "I thought the last of those Luna plushies were destroyed when I accidentally set fire to your 'references library no.34'."
"This isn't Luna, you silly filly. It's Woona, and she's nice to me~" I sighed in contentment, "Look, she talks!" I gave the plushie a squeeze of her soft flank.
"Woona is here! The fun hath been doubled!" The Woona plushie squeaked, its wings flapping slowly as a little dark blue glow twinkled on its horn. I gave it another squeeze, "Thy backside is still whole! Why hath none yet gobbled it?"
"Suddenly this makes the fact that you have done nothing but wallow in self-pity for 1000 years ever since your first and last marefriend dumped you entirely alright, Master." Crystal Heart said, deadpan. "Suddenly you are no longer the sad pitiful waste of plot you were for the last millenia."
I gave the plushie another squeeze in response. "Crystal Heart is a sex-deprived big meanie mean-butt with a giant plot to match who wishes she was even a quarter as amazingful and awesomeriffic and epictastic as her Master and my beloved King Sammy the magnificentest!"
"King Sammy?" Crystal Heart's voice could have probably froze my balls off. "Really?"
"Woona calls me that....when we're alone." I muttered, defensively. "....in my dreams..."
The long blank stare I received in reply was one entirely devoid of hope.
"Anyhow, in short, do knock next time." I cleared my throat to break the silence.
"Sorry, Master Sombra. The act of knocking requires a door." Crystal Heart nodded at the massive hole in the crystalline wall that currently served as a door into the den. The jagged singed edges suggested the door's last user had been rather emotional in her exit from the room and had not taken half-measures in showing it. The fact that the hole was now perfectly symmetrical was a testament to an entire afternoon's labour to evening out every single edge and shard to angular precision, courtesy of yours truly. Never has wanton destruction looked so perfect. Orderly and perfect down to the last detail, just like my entire Crystal Empire.
A reflection of my evil genius, of course.
"Your faithful student blowing open the door and thus your privacy has given me the privilege of intruding upon your private moments of bromance whenever I feel like amusing myself with the thought of how far your personal life has devolved after you were dumped by your ex girlfriend 1000 years ago." Crystal Heart said in one breath.
"What did you say?" I asked, blinking as I was rudely snapped out of revelling at how perfect I was.
"I said you've got mail." She brought out a pile of postcards. "I am surprised anypony in the universe cares enough to write to you, even if it is hate mail. Oh, wait, it all came by dragon fire mail. Somepony actually had to vomit their guts out to give you any attention."
"I absolutely love your adorable personality, Crystal Heart. Entirely befitting of the ultimate crystallization of love and hope I created you to be." I said, accepting the letters in a burst of telekinetic magic. Dragon fire mail? That could only be one mare. Insert groan here.
"And whose fault, pray tell, is that?" Crystal Heart snapped back, "My design specifications incorporated changeling technology that I remind you was stolen from Queen Chrysallis, the power to generate magic from emotions, specifically 'love'."
"Yes, I like to be reminded of my own stellar ingenuity sometimes." I smiled, "Your point?"
"Well, you made me both the battery and operating system of this entire Empire. And I ask you now, Master..." With a burst of her own magic she threw open the heavy curtains protecting my little refuge to reveal the harsh daylight outside the wall-length crystal windows. "Where is all the love, let alone the sex?!" She pointed a hoof out at the desolate, abandoned cityscape, completely devoid of life.
"Right here." I grinned, gesturing at my entire glorious self.
"And we know exactly how that turned out." She muttered, nodding at Woona. Before I could whine in protest she went on, "It is rather difficult for ponies to maintain healthy romantic sex lives when their king broadcasts his incessant whining over his most epic breakup." Crystal Heart pointed out. "I think you putting ursa traps in everypony's Hearts and Hooves day chocolates just to spite everypony who had a date when you didn't was the last straw on their backs. Or was it you printing your ex's face on every bit of toilet paper in the Empire?"
"They might not all have left enmasse if you hadn't spiked their sugar with that experimental drug you developed....what was it you called it? Viagra? Prozac? Both?" I shot back.
We both knew it wasn't true. We just bickered for the sake of it. It was either that or slump into 1000 years-worth of cabin fever. True, I had sort of counted on my little royal engagement to the most eligible bachellorette in Equestria to provide all the power Crystal Heart would need to keep our Empire alive. Unfortunately the epic breakup did cause a significant slump in the love energy supply, and my sympathetic citizens feeling sorry for me didn't help. But none of that mattered much in the face of the sudden sub-zero drop in temperature in the Crystal Mountains. It was as if the sun itself had given up on us. Try as we might, Crystal Heart simply didn't have the strength to keep the Empire warm enough to allow us to grow our crops and keep our people fed. When the last granary emptied we had no choice but to help our people move away to find greener pastures.
Me? I made like a mule and remained stubborn, refusing to budge, no matter how much my subjects pleaded me to come with them. I don't know what it was, but after millenia of tending a garden, you grow roots, you get attached. And Crystal Heart? She was about as stubborn as me, though she maintains that her core operating functions requires proximity to me for regular maintenance and system updates. Cute, considering I designed her to be entirely independent from the moment I flipped the 'on' switch.
I sighed as I peered down at the first postcard in my hooves. "Let me guess, more adoring fan mail from the countless broken hearts I have left in my wake." I sighed, airily, earning myself yet another eye-roll from my loyal Crystal Heart. "I can barely read this." I squinted at the furious scrawling that looked more like some sort of arcane curse than a letter. Seriously, I expected the letters to suddenly pull bunnies out of my soul or turn me into a megalomaniac with a boner for enslaving crystal ponies or something weird like that.
"No surprise with how much reality lags in your mind." Crystal Heart snapped the postcards out of my hooves with a flicker of magic and regarded the first one, lifting it up enough for me to see the photo on the back. It was a very charming picture of what looked like the front gates to my Empire, blown apart by either a Cerberus or Hormones. Even the flaming smoke flickered with pink juvenile rebellion.
I could feel a frazzled hair twang out of my perfect mane at the sight of my poor gate reduced to such horrific asymmetry. Must schedule another afternoon to rectify that...
Crystal Heart took a deep breath before reading it out...
Dear Master,
Buck you.
I'm trying hard to decide whether I hate that ugly and disgusting stain you call a mural of yourself you painted on my bedroom ceiling or your poetry-pooping guts more. I am leaving on a journey of self-discovery to make up my mind.
Oh, wait, epic moment of revelation. I hate you and everything about your inert plot. So I guess it's just a journey then. Away, far far away, from you and your royal reject pile.
The sun actually shines here. The grass is greener. The locals are more miserable than me. I didn't even think that was physically possible. But it makes me feel great. Best part is? You're. Not. HERE.
I'll bring back a souvenir, maybe a venereal disease or two, something your virgin plot has probably never even heard of. Hope that gives you some wet dreams to write about.
Your faithful student,
Sunset Shimmer
PS from Cottonball: Sorry about the gate, Master. I'll help fix the symmetry when we get back.
Good ol' Cottonball. At least somepony....or was it 'somedragon'...made up for all the lack of sense in this place. For one thing, nopony else here had enough sense to understand perfection, symmetry. I could rest assured Sunny wouldn't go end the world, at least not with good little Cottonball watching.
"Is it just me..." I began, frowning, "...or has Sunny developed a rather bad case of hormones?"
"Yes, because being lovesick for 1000 years isn't a matter of hormones." Crystal Heart said, airily, "It's just a lot of horny-moans."
"Oh, your puns are killing me, Crystal Heart." I mutter darkly.
"Good. Tell me when they succeed." She replied, flipping over the next postcard to show me the picture. This one bore a picture of what looked like roadkill on a hot summer day. With a resigned sigh she began reading it out.
Dear Master,
Buck you and your lazy plot.
I met a Mare today, something you haven't done in 1000 years. She's organizing this year's Summer Sun Celebration here in Ponyville. You should hurry up and die so I can organize something too, maybe your funeral or a massive party or both. I don't think anypony can ever be as obsessed with themselves as you, but this mare comes close. Got her tail stuck up all the way up her plot right to her horn or something. Anyway, get this, despite her having her own tail for her brain she's the personal student to Empress Celestia. Let me spell that out for your clop-marinated brain. She's got the all-powerful goddess Empress Celestia as a personal mentor.
Oh, I should take this opportunity to remind you, I guess, seeing as you've probably forgotten in the past 30 seconds. I am your 'faithful student', the amazing and supremely intelligent Sunset Shimmer. And I'm stuck with your apathetic flank as my personal mentor. Even cow droppings have more to teach me, and probably stink less too. But that's besides the point. The point is -
Buck you. So much. Master.
I know of only two things that will get your plot moving again - the apocalypse or your ex-mareriend. And I'm not even sure about the former. Well, guess what? I've decided to bring around both for lunch tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow, the summer sun celebration in Ponyville. Go ahead and put two and two together. If you're lucky you might get the answer by the time the rainbow hits the windmill.
Why am I telling you where? Because I want you to know which way to face when your personal Armageddon comes knocking on your plot.
Enjoy the fireworks, you lazy bastard.
Your faithful student,
Sunset Shimmer
PS from Cottonball: She's serious. Sorry, Master.
My spit-take almost put the fire out in its epicness. It was made even more epic by the fact that I wasn't even drinking anything at the time. Darnit, I spoke too soon. I tore the postcard out of Crystal Heart's hooves and eyed Cottonball's ever-helpful time stamps. It was dated yesterday. As in the day before the promised ex-pocalypse. "Crystal Heart?!" I shrieked in absolute pansy panic, "Why did you bring me this letter today?! And all the other letters?!"
"Simple, Master. If I gave it to you yesterday I wouldn't have seen your reaction today." Crystal Heart, replied, deadpan. "Replay....replay....replay...." She stared out into the middle distance as if reviewing something in her mind's eye.
"Buck you too, Crystal Heart." I muttered. "The world hasn't ended yet. Please tell me the next letter is Sunny's obituary or something."
"Oh, it's another postcard. From her." Crystal Heart said, lifting the postcard up. This one bore a picture of...
.....oh by my glorious balls, it's the apocalypse. It's her, returned, in the flesh. And by the looks of it, screaming horrified out of her wits.
By Harmony, she's brain-bucking beautiful, even when she's screaming at me....
My brain barely registered Crystal Heart reading out the last postcard.
Dear Master,
Buck you! This is all your hoofing fault! This mare, I can see why she's your ex. She's an absolutely horsin' alicorn lunatic! And her sister, don't get me started on her sister! She's got her horn jammed in all the way through into her plot as badly as you do! And she's shouting and threatening to sun-blast Ponyville into Tartarus in the name of perfection and harmony just because her sister escaped here. Even you wouldn't do that, I think, and you're the biggest psychopath I know. Wow, only now just as I'm about to be reduced to sun dust that I find that you might not be the biggest ass in Equestria. I'm sure that when I get instantly vapourized at a sub-harmonic level the thought will make me feel all warm, like everything else trying to burn me to a crisp.
Oh, and we're in Ponyville in case you haven't guessed. Which I'm sure you haven't because you're an epic-level gob-on-your-face idiot. This might be my last chance to say anything to you, so here goes....
Buck buckity buck buck bucketful of bucks buck you, Master.
In case I die today, I want you to know, Master, that I will forever and ever....
HATE YOUR BUCKIN' GUTS
Your faithful student,
Sunset Shimmer
PS from Cottonball: Help, please?
I gulp. "...is it just me or is the sun a little bright today?" I asked, looking up from my postcard and peering out the nearby crystal window, shading my eyes with a hoof against the blinding daylight.
"No, I am sure it is only you forgetting what the sun looks like after shutting yourself in for so long." Crystal Heart said, a pair of shades sitting astride her snout as she munched on a bag of popcorn by my side.
"Crystal Heart!" I suddenly gasp, "She....Sheneeds my help!"
"You need help." Crystal Heart muttered.
"Lun-....Errr, I mean, Sunny, needs our help." I clear my throat. "Oh...godly googly wang balls! Luna! Luna will be there! I....err, Crystal Heart, how do I look?" I asked, quickly running a hoof through my mane.
"Like an ass." Crystal Heart muttered.
"Perfect." I said, "Quick, Crystal Heart, to the Crystal Centre!" I declare, stomping a hoof imperiously.
"....do we have to?" Crystal Heart sighed, looking the very picture of apathy.
"Beam me up!" I snapped. As if responding to my command a magical circle erupted under my hooves. "Oh, shades." I asked, holding a hoof out to Crystal Heart who was standing on a magic circle of her own. She gave me another sigh and a pair of shades. "Let's hoof." I grin, placing the shades on my snout as two beams of light consumed us both in a blast of teleportation magic.
A flash of very fancy special effects later I stood on a star-shaped crystal platform descending towards a hub of purposeful chaos, the Crystal Centre, my great evil lair of evil. The gigantic underground chamber yawned beneath me filled with all manner of my greatest and most epic creations. Everything from the humble 'Instant-Kingdom-in-a-Box' (Just add Friendship!) to the magnificent Crystal airship, the Crusader, everything lay ready to serve the whims of the world's most magnificent evil genius (The one and only Me!).
More Pinions flew up enthusiastically to welcome me in my descent towards my lair.
"Awesome me, Pinions!" I ordered with a massive grin. As if going through a well orchestrated dance the Pinions brought me my Emperor's cape and pulled it about my shoulders before securing it in place with my gleaming silver armour. One helpful pinion polished my horn while an entire squadron wrestled a comb through my rebellious bedhair. I raised my forehooves into the air, allowing another contingent of Pinions to float up to secure my crystalline hoof pads. "Crystal Heart! Prepare experimental crystal magic circle code Buck-the-Moon L42!" I instructed as another group of helpful pinions brought my helmet down into a violent clash with my unruly hair. It took another moment of wrestling with the comb to get the helmet to at least not bounce like a googly doll on my head.
"....The long-distance-teleportation-and-combined-aphrodisiac-pheromone spell aimed at the moon, Master?" Crystal Heart's scepticism managed to transmit quite well through the crystal communicator planted in my helmet. "Yes, I can see how launching yourself into the moon with a hyper-charged 'Want-It-Need-It' spell cast on yourself will stop Celestia from nuking your student and your ex. In fact from the relative strength you have built into the spell over the past 1000 years, I extrapolate that it will likely not only stop Celestia, it will stop the entire world."
"No, replace crystal node no. 9 with a cupcake, switch out the 7th canticle with twenty five songbirds and lots of duct tape." I instructed, "That will hopefully make it mostly a teleportation spell....mostly." I stepped off the hovering platform and onto the polished floor of the grand crystalline chamber, striding straight for a long corridor at one end. On either side of the corridor blast-proof windows looked out into my many evil laboratories that bore all the fruits of my unparalleled brilliance.
Sure, despite being what I am, my magic had all the power and impact of a flying pie. But I had made up for this with my inventive prowess as well as gemcraft magic, the very same art that gave birth to my Empire and Crystal Heart herself. As I strode through the corridor flanked by my pinion escorts I gazed fondly upon the reminders of my greatness - there was the sliced bread, crop rotation, the clock, the toaster, the pony-friendly tea cup, the steam engine, the condom, the printing press, even the the best-selling playcolt magazine. But the prize surely went to my line of gemcraft armours...or was it dresses? Same thing, to me at least. I prided myself in being Equestria's expert on combat fashion. There was the Rainbow Power line of gemcraft armours, packed with so much glitter and rainbows it was enough to make even Tirek look absolutely fabulous.
And there, in my master laboratory, was my masterpiece, the Nightmare Moon armour, an armour piece so powerful it couldn't be constrained to a single physical form. I placed a fond hoof upon the glass that kept the amorphous haze-like hole in reality contained. It whirled around within, writhing and bashing against the window, as if it had a mind of its own. But that's not possible, because I never designed it to be so, and I say so, no matter what my paranoid little Crystal Heart says.
It was meant to bring out the latent power of anypony wearing it, turning them into avatars of absolute godlike power. Originally designed for myself, I decided at one point to fit it for Luna, to help the young regent of the moon finally stand equal to her sun-goddess sister...or at least give her the confidence to do so, for in my eyes she had always been that and more, even if she didn't believe it herself. Well, seeing as the armour's stuck here in my lab and Luna's stuck on the moon, we know what became of that.
Oh flying wang balls, she's not on the moon anymore, is she? Gotta see her while she's still in town, or, hay, in Equestria.
"How are we doing on the magic circle?" I asked, striding into 'Testing Chamber 1' where I had expected Crystal Heart to have loaded up the magic circle I asked for. "I don't see any cupcakes." I point out the complete lack of diabetes-risks in my immediate vicinity.
"Sorry, *chomp* we're all *nom* out of *gulp* cupcakes." The sound of something that suspiciously sounded like cupcakes being vigorously munched transmitted through my helmet with perfect clarity.
"That was not you eating the last cupcake, was it?" I asked, raising an eyebrow high enough to risk causing my helmet to pop off my unruly bedhair once more.
"Oh, no, this was a muffin. Big difference." Crystal Heart replied.
"Well then, there goes that plan. Now how am I supposed to get my bum from point A to point Doom?" I demanded, turning my brain.
"You can use experimental aeronautics project code The-Moon-Boner L34." Crystal Heart suggested, "Remember the party-cle accelerator you were going to fire yourself at the moon with?"
"Oh, yes, the one based on cake physics scaled to orbital cannon size, the 'party cannon'." I thought out loud, "Wait! No, we haven't ironed out all the bugs yet!" By bugs I meant everything exploding leaving violent stains all over the walls and everyone's minds.
"I took the liberty of completing the project for you and our simulations predict a 100% chance of success." Crystal Heart said, suddenly sounding suspiciously reassuring.
"Err....right."
"....and 0% chance of payload survival." I could have sworn I heard her say.
"What did you say?" I demanded.
"I said the cannon is now locked, loaded and awaiting its most precious payload, Master." Crystal Heart said as a pair of blast doors on the floor of the testing chamber opened up to reveal an immense cannon propped up on a pair of wooden wheels. One wheel even rolled off and disappeared down the long corridor. A few pinions decided to chase after it, giggling madly at the spectacle.
"Who thought of this idea again?" I demanded, nervously.
"Why, you did, Master." Crystal Heart said, innocently. "Only you could come up with a plan this brilliant. Your ingenuity never ceases to amaze me." She said, digitally syphoning out all her sarcasm.
"Oh....okay." I said. If it was my idea it had to be not just good but super awesome. Couldn't argue with myself (I tried once, I lost). I climbed up the ladder to the mouth of the cannon and climbed in. "Err...Crystal Heart, my rump is kind of jammed." I said feeling my the metal barrel tighten around my plot. Up above at the end of a long straight crystalline tunnel to the surface another set of blast doors slowly slid open to the blast of warning sirens and flashing red crystal lights. Harsh daylight and frigid snowy air poured into the long underground tunnel.
"That's the cannon chambering its round. You." Crystal Heart said. "Now, please keep all appendages inside the ride at all times. Please keep your tray tables stowed and your plot back up in upright position. This is a non-screaming flight. Be advised that screaming carries the risk of tongue-biting. In case of an emergency, pray. We hope you have a pleasant flight with Air Moron today."
"Wait, I think I need the loo before we go. I'm having second thoughts abou-..." I began, suddenly realizing what it was I had agreed to in my sudden mad rush to get to Lu-....I mean, Sunny's side. I am sitting in the barrel of an orbital party-cle accelerator designed to fling stuff in the general direction of the moon. It was built on cake physics I discovered during one of my rather frequent sugar highs (apparently cake and pies in comical motion will remain in motion until it is opposed by an equally comical force, e.g. an unsuspecting face). And now I'm trying to aim it at a ground target several hundred miles away. And as if all that didn't spell trouble already, I'm the projectile.
This is starting to sound like one of my less good ideas.
"Launch in T-minus 10-9-....Now." Crystal Heart announced with a sudden manic relish.
"Wait whoaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Suffice to say I did not have to worry about my bladder anymore. With a quaking rumble, what felt like a hydra's bowel motion propelled me from 0 to hissy-fit-screaming in less than a second. There was an explosive pop as my plot was flung out of the barrel of the gun trailing frosting, almonds, strawberries, confetti and streamers. The long tunnel to the surface suddenly did not seem all that long. My eyes watered as cold air suddenly threatened to inflate my eye sockets and tear out my cheeks.
I achieved sub-orbital flight, racing along the edge of the atmosphere, with all the grace of a hysterical whoopee cushion. I swore deep down that if I survived this I would use Crystal Heart's horn as a paper hole-puncher for a week.
"C-Crystal Heart...?" I coughed, finally managing to cough out the unlucky duck that had strayed into my flight path. It gave me a very angry quack as it dropped away to friendlier skies. "You....are so....sitting in the corner for a week for this."
"That's all I have done for the past 1000 years." Crystal Heart pointed out, "Now, you will want to actually pay attention to the in-flight entertainment, Master." She said, using my helmet to project a holographic image onto my shades for me to see. "This is the aerial view from the Sombra-1 stalker saddlelite."
It was an aerial view of what looked like a fair or festival of some sort in a small country town. A number of what looked like ponies were gathered in the square in a wide semi-circle around a central figure. What was left of my stomach dropped at the sight of her. The image zoomed in and confirmed my dread. It was the solar Empress, Celestia....better known as Sunflare Eclipse. Audio began to patch through. "...NEED I REPEAT MYSELF, LIEUTENANT?!" The Royal Canterlot voice exploded over the headphones built into my helmet. Hay, the voice actually managed to carry all the way up here. "I WANT YOU TO PURGE THIS TOWN AND ALL WHO WITNESSED HER RETURN."
"Your highness, they are but innocent civilians!" A female voice replied. "We cannot strike down unarmed ponies!"
"I would ask if thou hath indeed lost thy senses, sister of mine, but that would be but superfluous rhetoric." That voice! It was her! It could only be her! My Lu-...ahem....it was Luna, the former regent of the moon, ironically dubbed 'Nightmare Moon' by many for her alleged betrayal of the Solar Empress. I saw her step towards the figure at the centre of the square, striding with regal purpose. "Banish me once more. Strike me down now if that would sate thee. But prithee harm not our little ponies!"
"I AM HARMONY! I AM ALL THAT IS GOOD! I AM PERFECTION! I SHALL NOT ALLOW ANY WHO DOUBT ME IN THE SLIGHTEST STAND. THE MERE SIGHT OF YOU AND YOUR RETURN IS ENOUGH TO CAST DOUBT IN THE MINDS OF EVEN MY MOST STEADFAST! IF ANYONE IS TO BLAME FOR THE PURGING OF THESE INNOCENTS, IT IS YOU, THE ONE I ONCE CALLED SISTER!" Celestia sure was talkative today. I couldn't help but feel a niggle of anger rise. "YOU....YOU WHO I ONCE CALLED SISTER....YOU HAD EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING I DIDN'T! BUT NO! NOT ANYMORE! I WOULD NOT ALLOW YOU TO LAY YOUR HOOVES UPON HIM, OR EQUESTRIA, OR ANYTHING, EVER AGAIN!"
"I refuse to raise my hooves against the very ponies I am sworn to protect!" The guard lieutenant protested with enough balls to sink a shark.
"YOU ARE SWORN TO PROTECT ME, LIEUTENANT! I SHALL NOT REPEAT MYSELF!"
"Then that is an oath I shall have to break. Tartarus take me before I draw the blood of innocents!" This guard's practically flooding the festival with testosterone, and she hasn't even ripped her shirt off yet. "Aaaaaah!" She cried. I watched through the aerial view as her body was sent flying into the crowd by a blast of magic from Celestia. The crowd seemed to part in a wide circle around her.
"Spitfire!" Only one pony dared approach the downed lieutenant. "P-Princess, p-please, stop!"
"ET TU, TWILIGHT, MY FAITHFUL STUDENT?!" Celestia's voice boomed as she strode down the path cleared by the guard lieutenant's flight. The path only widened at her approach. "FINE. TO TARTARUS WITH BOTH OF YOU. ALL OF YOU."
At that point the image zapped out of my shades. "Hey, Crystal Heart, it was just getting good!" I protested.
"Then you will like what comes next, Master." Crystal Heart said. "Fasten your ego and prepare for landing."
The holographic image faded out to reveal the approaching ground. Oh, right, almost forgot about that. Deciding I wasn't quite flying fast enough gravity seemed to decide to accelerate me further as I fell plot-first. My flanks were beginning to blur as light itself seemed to refract around my shapely plot. Ah, I must be reaching the rainbow barrier, which means I will soon be...
BOOOOOOOOOOOM...
An explosive blast of prismatic light exploded forth from my bum. Yes, I have just farted a ring of rainbow light from my rear as my plot broke the rainbow barrier, producing a sonic rainboom. My plot has never been this hot, literally. It was trailing actual smoke. And it wouldn't be the last insult, not if my arch-nemesis, the ground, had anything to say about it.
"Oh, Crystal Heart, take note, I have found a flaw in our plan." I shouted over the sound of rushing air. Thankfully, my panic would not rise fast enough for me to suffer much ere the end. "We forgot to think about the landi-..."
BWOOOOOOOOOOMPH....
An explosive dust cloud erupted over the little town of Ponyville like a tombstone, a brief but grand monument to my absolute ingenuity.
"Of course not, Master. This entire plan was prepared with the landing in mind." Crystal Heart said.
"I swear..." I coughed up smoke and dust, "No clop...for a month...for you..." Even bits of me I didn't know I had was screaming in pain. Ouch, is that the bit they call the spleen? Cause it's buckin' hurting like one!
"Oh, by the way, Master? The teleportation spell is now ready. One of the Pinions kindly baked us a new batch of cupcakes. With sprinkles." Crystal Heart added, helpfully.
"That's it...hole-punching duty...for a whole...year..." I grunted.
"...Master...?" A voice brought my attention back to my surroundings, which at the time consisted of a massive impact crater in the image of my glorious self, limbs akimbo in what may or may not have been absolute bit-grinding panic.
"Oh, hi, Sunny." I coughed up another plume of smoke as I looked up at the flaming red and yellow figure poking her head over the edge of the crater, "I'm here to...."
"...die?" The familiar form of Sunset Shimmer asked, raising an eyebrow. "Oh, good, that's my entire bucket list fulfilled before I bite the hay too."
"Sunny, I'd remind you that this, all of this, is your fault. But that would be a waste of breath as absolutely everything is your fault. Even the dinosaurs being wiped out must be in some way your fault." I muttered, slowly picking myself up, discovering more bits of me who'd rather not be bits of me at the moment.
"SOMBRA?!" I felt the air sizzle. The very water in my pores threatened to vapourize in the superheated air. The familiar form that used to radiate fierce flaming solar winds and sisterly disapproval whenever I used to come over to pick up her younger sister appeared over the crest of the crater, her solar aura flaring as violently as ever. I almost withered to a crisp under the intensity of her burning gaze glowing ominously within the purplish green miasma curling about her eyes.
"Oh, err....long time no see, Celestia, like 1000 years long." I smiled nervously. Good thing the world's ending soon. Nobody will live to remember how quickly the superheated air vapourized the contents of my bladder. "You're.....much much brighter than when I last saw you....and hotter..." I squeaked.
"I THOUGHT I FROZE THE ENTIRE CRYSTAL MOUNTAINS TEN TIMES OVER." She roared.
"Err, yeah, you did." I muttered, realizing bitterly for the first time why my Empire had frozen over. I had suspected it at the back of my mind as the most logical explanation, but I never brought myself to believe she had the gall. Galloping boners, I thought of her as a sister once! "But you never got my balls." I said in a pathetic attempt at defiance.
"Because nobody could ever find them." Sunny muttered.
"Sshhhh, she doesn't need to know that!" I hissed.
"THEN I SHALL HAVE YOUR BALLS TODAY."
"See, what'd I tell you?!" I snapped at Sunny.
"My Lord! Why art thou here?" Flaming wang balls! They had me surrounded! If it wasn't my hormonal student or the elder sister with serious sisterly issues, it's my ex! And...and...oh, she looked ever so divinely gorgeous, with her rather worn and frazzled sky-blue mane, her soft if mildly dusty fur the colour of soft summer nights, the beautiful sapphire thou rather disapproving stars she had for eyes....everything about her gave me candy apples...
And then she reminded me why we broke up. She opened her mouth. "My Lord, thou lookest absolutely miserably. When did thou last sleep? Or bathe? Or ate for that matter? Art thou even taking care of thyself?"
"We'll talk when you learn how to." I muttered, snapping out of the foul witch's charming enchantment.
"I see 1000 years hath done naught to wear away thy charm." Luna sighed, shaking her head, her oh so beautiful midnight-blue mane rustling melodiously in the summer breeze. "I shalt agree that we may talk later once more pressing matters are attended to appropriately."
"ROYAL GUARD! PUT THEM ALL TO THE SWORD!" Celestia roared.
The guard lieutenant limped over to face Celestia, standing as tall and proud as her one limp hoof allowed her to. "I declare myself a deserter to the Royal Guard! Any guard or civilian who would stand with me to protect these innocents, I would welcome you as a sibling-in-arms!" She shouted.
Rage finally overtook me. We are both royals, she and I, she an empress, me an emperor. We had our own ways of running our kingdoms, even if mine was but a 1000 year old husk of one. We had our flaws, nopony's perfect, not even me, but there was a line no ruler should ever cross. And she not only crossed it, she doused it in oil before setting it on fire behind her.
"You can paint the streets pink...." I muttered, anger rising like a thunder cloud, "....make cupcakes the national dessert, broadcast your whining to all your subjects, even ban all distribution of toilet paper...." I raised my voice to a rumbling roar as I climbed out of my crater and stood before the Solar Tyrant, Sunflare Eclipse. "We can be as annoying as we like and get away with it! That is our privelege granted to us by our followers! But in turn we owe them their rights! Above all we owe them our protection! And never, ever, shall we turn them against their own! All of us swore this a long long time ago, Celestia!" I stomped my hoof, leaving a miniature crater in the earth. "If this is how you manage your internal disputes, I as a neighbouring sovereign have no choice but to intervene in your domestic affairs, Celestia!"
"HOW...AMUSING. YOU, THE WASHED-UP LITTLE WHELP WHO ALLOWED HIS OWN KINGDOM TO WITHER AWAY INTO THE FROST, PLAYING KING IN A SAND CASTLE, YOU WILL STOP ME, SUNFLARE ECLIPSE, EMPRESS OF THE SUN, RULER OF THE MOST POWERFUL EMPIRE ON EQUUS?!"
"Watch me...." I glowered, "I may not have much of an Empire left, I may have nothing in fact, but I will not stand by and allow you to kill your own people, even if I have to give everything I have left to stop you and your madness! Your people deserve that much!" I turned to face the crowds of frightened ponies, "Ponies of Equestria! Your Empress would see you unjustly wiped out in her wrath! But not if I can help it! I, King Sombra of the Crystal Empire, promise you all your safety! Take shelter! Protect the foals and the elderly! And those of you willing to fight, protect everypony else!"
The remainder of Celestia's royal guard seemed to finally overcome their hesitation. They quickly rallied behind me and the guard lieutenant, forming a defensive line between the retreating civilians and Celestia.
"Your name, brave guard?" I asked the lieutenant.
"Spitfire, your majesty." She said, giving me a nod. "Thanks for standing with us. Hope your crater doesn't end up our grave."
"It's gonna get crowded reaaaal fast." A mint-green unicorn giggled, stepping up next to me before rearing up on her rearhooves and strumming her lyre like a guitar. "Let's hear it for Lyra Heartstrings' laaaaaast concert!"
"Move over. This is my concert." Another mare, this one a sleek gray with a trestles of lustrous black for a mane stepped up, unholstering a gigantic...is that a cello....off her back. An earth pony just brought a cello to a sun fight. Alright, we've won. "Octavia Philharmonica. My strings are at your service."
"Somepony called for the soundtrack to this epic? DJ-PON3, in the house." A pure white unicorn with a fray of flaming blue and white hair for a mane announced as she dropped a big black box on the frontlines. "Time for some Vinyl Scratch brand wubs, to the face, oh yeaaaah!"
"Ah ain't got no fancy music ta offer yah, just the sweet sound of a good honest buckin' to the face." A cowmare hat bobbed up to our ranks, borne by the cutest blonde I ever did see....and I've lived for a good few millenia, mind you. "Name's Applejack. Let's see what I can do ye for, 'kay?"
"I hope you're all hungry cause I brought the cake! And it's cupcakes too! There's tabasco mixed in with some of them so tell me if you find one, okay? Oooh, I know, it can be, like, a little party game! Which is great, cause this is gonna be the best. Party. EVER!" A pink pony of, well, just, pink, bounded up balancing trays upon trays of cupcakes on her head. "Oh, my name's Pinkie Pie, by the way. And this is my party, so you're all going to EAT my cupcakes!"
"U-umm....w-we just h-have to s-stand n-next to you, r-right?" A voice that shouldn't belong anywhere near a drop of blood let alone a battle spoke up. A butter-yellow figure hiding behind the giant unholstered cello peaked out, "I-I'm...Fl-Flutershy, b-by the way...I-I'll stand wi-with you...if that's alright..."
"Behold! The great and powerful Trixie shall be the one to vanquish the very sun!" A big star-spangled wizard hat made its way to our battle line. Under it was a mane of silver that flowed over a midnight-blue cape similarly sewn with an entire galaxy of stars.
"Oh, so the rest of us can just go home now, can we, darling?" A stunningly gorgeous pure white unicorn with waves of sleek lilac hair for a mane trotted up, "Oh, I do hope this doesn't get too messy. I just did my hair this morning too."
"Ms. Sunfire Eclipse, I have letters for you!" A young pegasus panted, floating up with two satchels of letters, shedding mail in her wake. "O-oh...is there a queue? Oh, my bad. I'll join in. Uuhhh, hi, everypony, I'm Ditzy Doo."
"I'll be right behind you all." Another mare, a marshmallow-creamy one with a rolling candy-purple-and-pink mane, said. "Like, 100 hooves behind you all. You all take care of the evil shadow things, Bon Bon has your backsides."
"Me too." another pure white mare bearing a shapely white nurse's cap atop her candy-floss mane said, "With all the suppositories in Equestria should any of you get hurt. Nurse Redheart, stat." The nurse announced, slamming a large medikit-saddlebag into the ground before her.
Looks like an entire herd of mares had gathered to form the frontline. And I wasn't even trying. The colt's still got it, baby.
"Hello, Master." A little claw patted my right forehoof. I looked down and found a little ruby-red serpentine figure, Cottonball, my favourite baby dragon and Sunny's number one assistant. "Sorry, didn't quite manage to stop Sunny. But I'll help clean up."
"Eh, nothing we haven't had to clean up before." I shrugged.
"Have you ever had to clean up dark shadow spawn before?" Sunny asked, nodding at where Celestia stood, horn shining brilliantly as a dark haze floated forth around her like holes in reality itself.
"I've seen worse in your diapers." I said, though I frowned at what I saw. It was eerily...familiar. No...it can't be...
"Master, I detect a gemcraft magic signature from that magical aura." Crystal Heart's voice sounded grave and serious for the first time over my helmet communicator. She projected another holographic display on my shades, showing me the familiar image of a certain piece of Armour I had sworn I had locked way safely in the bowels of my Crystal Center. "Pattern match. That's the Nightmare Moon Armour prototype, codename Nightmare Eclipse."
"You...." My eyes narrowed, "You stole the Nightmare prototype..."
"Called it." Sunny muttered as she too joined the frontlines, "We're all bucked."
"I WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ONE THING, SOMBRA. YOU ARE A FOOL, BUT A BRILLIANT ONE." Celestia smiled as the haze coalesced to form ranks upon ranks of shadowy ponies in sleek dark armour all around her. "ALL THE MORE REASON I MUST HAVE YOU WIPED OFF THE FACE OF EQUUS."
"Beware, Master." Crystal Heart said as the heads-up-display projected onto my shades indicated the many shadowy figures now surrounding Celestia. "Those dark constructs are not only sentient, they are likely to assimilate anypony they come into prolonged contact with. We will codify these constructs as 'Nightmares' from now on."
"Don't let those things touch you for too long." I warned those by my side.
"What'll happen if we do?" The guard lieutenant, Spitfire, asked.
"I'd rather not find out. I suggest you all do the same." I said, grimly.
"Sombra, what did I tell thee about inventing deadly weapons of mass destruction?" My wonderfully beautiful ex asked, testily.
"I should always clean them up after I finish playing with them and should not leave them lying around within reach of other children." I recited with a sigh, "It was supposed to be a surprise for you!"
"Did you honestly believe my deranged sister wasn't deadly enough with her sun powers alone? That on top of that she would need a dark shadow army of doom?" She eyed the shadows forming. A few gigantic ones the size of hydras were forming in the rear ranks, "I am very much surprised indeed, by thy absolute lunacy that is!" Luna snapped.
"You realize the word 'Lunacy' was derived from you and your name?" I muttered.
"We are going to have to fight our way through all of them to get to my sister." Luna said, ignoring me as always as she eyed the horde warily.
"No horseapples, Marelock Holmes." I muttered back.
"Yet another mare thou hath fooled around with behind my back no doubt." Luna muttered. Before I could even retort she spoke over me, just like always, "Thou art still as impotent as a banana at magic, art thee not?" Luna asked. Not giving me a chance to reply again she went on, "And I have very little magic after my sealing. We have but one hope. Thou must use thy elements."
"I....must have left them all under my bed somewhere?" I said, suddenly shifting uncomfortably.
"You're an alicorn. You can make anypony your element." Luna pointed out.
"Well, shucks, girl, I didn't know that. I only just became an alicorn....15 millenia ago, give or take a few centuries?" I replied, irritably. Yes, I'm an alicorn, all horny and feathery and stuff. Why'd I allow my pride to suffer the indignity of crashing plot-first earlier? I'd rather not talk about it, not now anyway.
"I thought I would mention it, considering there be only one thing thou art fast at." Luna retorted.
"Hey, hey, it was just that one game of chess, and I had hoof cramps." I was quick to point out.
"Enough with thy prattle. Hasten thy plot and make me thy element, now!" Luna commanded.
"Wait, you?" I squeaked, uncertain. "It's just....err...you're sure about this?" I fidgeted nervously, "You...remember what my Elements are, right?"
"It is still 'Passion', is it not?" Luna asked.
"Well...uhh...it wasn't exactly that. That's just one of my elements." I sighed. 15 millenia did nothing to make this any less awkward. So I opted to just whisper it into her ear.
Her eyes shot wide open at this. "By Tartarus! How art thee a noble alicorn?!"
"By being horny and having wing boners." I muttered in reply. "Thanks, you're giving me all the confidence I need, by the way."
"Just....get it over with..." Luna muttered, as if resigning herself to life in Tartarus or a boarding school or something.
"Hey, are you giving out sweet magical rainbow voodoo?" The mint-green one, Lyra I think, asked. "I was gonna bash'em in the nuts with my lyre and sing them their dirges but if you can gimme something that'd tickle'em a little harder that'd be, like, awesome!"
"Not one to rely on glitter'n'magic myself, but Ah think a little help would go a long way today." The one called Applejack said, tilting her hat forwards as she eyed the amassed army of shadows.
"I just polished my cello today. I'd love to spare it any dents and scrapes if we could." The cellist, Octavia, said.
"Right, get in line and take a number..." I said, eyeing the enemy ranks. Celestia had a veritable army now. She must be almost done. "Actually....buck it. Crystal Heart, everypony here, elements, now. Load up the armour gems while you're at it."
"Everypony?" Crystal Heart didn't sound too happy, "We are on auxiliary magic reserves. We are running on empty as it is, Master."
"Do it. Everypony here will walk away from this alive, so help me, me." I declared.
"Very well. Designating elements. Loading Crystal Armoury." Crystal Heart announced. "Should you not at least select each element? Perhaps have some sort of ceremony or backstory to how each of them deserve each element?"
"No time. Just do it." I said. "You can make Luna the element of blue balls if you like, I don't care."
"Hey! I heard thee!" Luna snapped.
"Good." I replied.
"PURGE THEM ALL!" I heard Celestia roar. A wave of black charged forth towards us, shaking the entire town square under their thundering hooves.
"Oh balls! Now, Crystal Heart, now!" I shouted.
Magic circles gleaming with arcane runes erupted underneath every pony standing on the frontlines, bathing each and every one of them with a bright cyan light. Their manes and tails flowed with the magical updraft, almost lifting them all off their hooves. Magical tendrils blazed across their bodies, wrapping them in the finest of my gemcraft armour, arming them with an array of my deadliest gemcraft weaponry.
And not a moment too soon, for the first of the Nightmares had descended upon the frontline, hoof-mounted blades glinting in the fierce light of Celestia's setting sun.
A shockwave of prismatic light erupted forth from each new element-bearer, blasting the Nightmare frontline backwards. An array of weapons flew out to meet the second wave, crushing them mercilessly. Gemcraft armour gleamed threateningly upon glittering sleek crystal fur as my newly appointed crystal Elements stood proud and....wait, why are they all breaking into giggles and laughter?
"I....am sparkly." The cellist muttered, simply, eyeing her sparkling fur with a glare of disapproval.
"Bon Bon, you look like a gum drop, all shiny and sparkly!" The one called Lyra giggled uncontrollably.
"Says the one who looks like a mint cough drop." The one named Bon Bon muttered.
"Oh, this gleam simply does not work in sunset light." The one named Rarity sighed, eyeing herself in a compact mirror, "This sparkling fur would work better if highlighted by silver sequins, perhaps, or maybe something black for contrast"
"This dress is gonna get dirty real fast." Applejack kicked her rearhooves free of the gleaming jasper armour draped over her flanks.
"Groovy, baby! Let's go, disco ball rejects!" The DJ cackled. "Get'em while they're dazzled by how fabulous we are!"
Oh, right, I just made a horde of young and hormonal mares my Elements. Oh joy. Actually, now that I've sat and thought about it, I couldn't help but wonder, why did a hoof-ful of mares volunteer to fight when all the rest were content to retreat? It certainly was not some flaw in the thinking of those who ran off. Anypony in their right minds would rather run than face the wrath of the sun itself. Which led me to a rather obvious conclusion - these mares weren't in their right minds. And I had just made them all my elements.
Wonderful.
"Elements!" I shouted at the fabulous if rather disorganized frontline, "Keep the line! Protect the retreating civilians! Know that your weapons will fight for you, that your armour will protect you, that I would rather burn away the last of my magic before I allow you to be harmed!"
"Nonsense! We must strike at the heart of the enemy!" Luna roared, pointing a hoof at Celestia. "All forces, take the enemy queen! CHARGE!" She was the first to charge out of the defender line, wielding a pair of crescent-moon blades with her telekinesis, dressed in a long flowing silver armour-dress. Applejack swiftly followed, fiery golden lasso swinging Nightmares about like yoyos, clearing the enemy crowd almost effortlessly. The rest formed up behind the two, all similarly dressed to kill and armed to the teeth. The mailmare, Ditzy, followed up the rear, flitting about in panic as she shed what looked like exploding postcards from her satchels.
"Horsefeathers! Luna! They aren't soldiers!" I shouted after her. I knew it'd be useless, Luna was like a locomotive when she fixates upon something, one-tracked, unstoppable, and unbelievably hot. Still, those ponies, sure, they were now elements, bound in my armour. Their powers, however, weren't quite of the level I would expect from element-wielders. Together they should have been able to fire a cleansing aura of magic that would wipe out the shadows in one blast. Perhaps it was the result of randomly tossing out elements and seeing what stuck. It wasn't like we had a chance to sit down and examine their affinities one by one.
"Crystal Heart, what about the royal guards?" I asked, looking around at the actual soldiers following after the element-bearers, all quite devoid of any extra rainbows or glitter.
"We don't have enough magic left without completely sacrificing what's left of the Empire! I prioritized protecting the unarmed civilians brave enough to foolishly stand by your side. At least this way they won't just be mere meat shields." Crystal Heart explained quickly.
"Fine." I muttered, biting my lip. "Lieutenant Spitfire! Order your guards to reform the battleline, skirmish only. Tell them to prioritize covering the retreat!" I shouted up at the pegasus mare now trailing fire in the wake of her wings.
"You heard the man!" Spitfire barked at her soldiers, "Form a line, rank and file!"
"Luna, Spitfire I leave those....giant things to you two!" I shouted, pointing a hoof at the lumbering collosi swatting at Luna, Spitfire and the mailmare, Ditzy, while trying to stomp the Elements on the ground.
"No need....to tell me that!" Luna gritted her teeth as she dive-bombed the towering giant, her crescent blades held aloft as she struck the giant creature's head.
"Gotcha now!" Spitfire roared, diving in a cross-formation to Luna, before suddenly breaking into a flat-spin, her flaming wings becoming a tornado of flames that tore straight through the collosus' neck.
"Pinkie, Trixie and Vinyl, focus fire on the left of the enemy ranks!" I shouted at the two unicorns bombarding the approaching shadows with magic. The downed colossus collapsing upon their left flank was already forcing them to veer to the right.
"Okie dokie lokie!" Pinkie giggled, aiming her own back-mounted Party-cle accelerator cannons at the charging enemy.
"That's stupid! It'll make them charge for us here on the right instead!" Trixie pointed out, "You don't give the great and powerful Trixie orders!"
"Octavia, Applejack, defend the artillery on the right!" I ordered, rolling my eyes, "Lyra, Rarity, Bon Bon, form a flying column from the left! Attack them in the flank when they go for the artillery!"
"Haha, that's funny, cause you said 'flank'." Bon Bon muttered, bashing a shadow in the face with her oversized candy-coloured power-hooves.
"Here! Eat Harmony, shadow-face!" Lyra laughed manically as she slammed a rather over-sized and rather sharp-looking giant lyre into the charging enemy's flanks. "Pow! Kapow! Crunch! Yeah, that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life!" She cackled, bashing one hapless shadow into the ground.
"Oh, dear, such poor choice in colouring...." Rarity declared, stomping her hoof gauntlets into the ground. Shards of crystal burst forth from the ground, impaling the shadows above them. "Such unrefined tastes..." She summoned up more gems from the ground in the charging horde's path. There was a painful scrunch as Nightmares smashed and piled-up against the little forest of gems. "I wouldn't even call that ghast-couture!" She cried, swinging her hooves, causing the crystal to shatter and fragment before exploding and impaling the surrounding hordes with crystal shards.
The battle seemed to be going well. My strategy was one of the simplest tactics in the book, but often the machine with the fewest moving parts are the most likely to work. With such an impromptu fighting force a simple and easy tactic was best. It helped that the enemy was acting as one uncoordinated mob. Even with their numbers they would never stand a chance against my superior tactical intellect. That said, where was their leader? If she was content to allow her forces to work as an unruly mob then she must have something more important to do...
....like killing me, for example.
"Master, there is a spike in the magical energy readings, and it wasn't the elements. It's coming from...Celestia." Crystal Heart said, urgently.
Celestia was nowhere to be seen in the town-square-turned-battlefield. I looked up. There she was, a radiant glow rivaling her own sun. Orbiting her were 6 orbs of brilliant light. "She's charging up her Elements of Perfection. She must be using her army to keep us busy while she prepares to simply wipe this town off the map." I surmised. I did some very, very quick thinking. I have one teleportation magic circle charged up, but it was a single target spell. I wouldn't be able to move everypony here with it. I had a spell I could convert into a mass teleportation spell but it would take time to charge.
Hmmm....
"Crystal Heart. Power up experimental magic circle code Luna L-69." I said.
"Oh, the magic circle for the spell that would allow you to summon a living breathing sex doll in the likeness of your ex-marefriend Lu-...." Crystal Heart began.
"Just swap out blood rune no. 21 with a Play-Colt magazine, run mana circuit 8 backwards, and river dance instead of chant the 2nd verse of the canticle." I instructed, interrupting her as quickly as I could, "That will turn it into a mass transportation spell....without too many side effects. Meanwhile, I want you to arm the 'Buck-The-Moon' teleportation spell we have charged on my horn. And don't eat the cupcake this time, please."
"....I am not river dancing." Crystal Heart muttered.
"Crystal Heart, do this and I promise I'll get engaged or something." I said, panic rising in my voice as the radiant orb in the sky grew brighter and brighter.
"I will dance for you the dance of my people." Crystal Heart said, suddenly full of enthusiasm. "Arming the Buck-The-Moon spell now." She announced. My horn glowed as the remote magic casting circle began to transmit through my armour and into me. I could feel the electric tingles run up my spine and into my spiral horn as the spell armed and loaded itself. The overwhelming stress and pressure of so much magic coursing through my magic-defunct body bore down upon me, but I gritted my teeth and stood my ground. "Spell armed. Ready to fire." Crystal Heart's announcement was music to my ears.
And not a moment too soon either, for Celestia chose that very moment to unleash an explosive beam of pure white sunlight down upon the town square. A shockwave of light ripped through the air around her, flattening trees and ripping off roofs for miles around. Everypony present stopped to stare at their approaching doom. There wasn't even time for horrified screaming, just enough for a quiet prayer.
"Aimmmm...." I levelled my horn at the blaze barrelling down towards us, taking careful aim.. "FIRE!" Hoof-crafted gem magic erupted forth from my horn. The horrific pain of using myself to channel magic tore through my body, but I held my aim true. An expanding ring of eerie cyan light burst forth in the beam's path, swallowing it whole. Blinding sparks of light filled the air. An unearthly noise like a million screaming cats shook the little town. The stench of burnt tin and sulfur was rife.
Everypony had flattened themselves against the violently shaking ground. All but me, for I continued to stand, channeling the spell through my horn. I could feel the spell waning as the gemcraft magic circle back at the Empire slowly burnt out. Please, please outlast her, just last long enough, I prayed.
Finally, the light dimmed to a glare. The noise died away. A few flickers of light, even a few small lightning discharges from the superheated air, were all that remained of the meeting of the two immense spells.
Well, almost all.
The moon, just about visible in the gathering twilight, looked quite distorted as if consumed by some vicious prismatic glow. Everypony present slowly looked up to follow my gaze. Luna, in particular, looked quite horrified. Her eyes widened dangerously to eye-popping size as the violent storm of light slowly cleared off the moon's surface.
It would appear the spell had succesfully teleported Celestia's beam spell away. Unfortunately it teleported the beam to where the teleportation spell was originally aimed at, the moon. And now I finally remembered what I had laced the teleportation spell with, a hypercharged 'want-it-need-it' spell aimed at myself. Now, I have no idea what it was exactly Celestia fired at us, but whatever it was, the result of it mixing with my spell was quite interesting. The full glory of the resulting chaos revealed itself to us. It was...
"My face...?" I panted breathlessly, looking up at my own glorious visage winking down at me from where the moon once was.
"MY MOOOOON!" Luna shrieked in absolute horror.
"I SHALL NOT SUFFER SUCH IMPUDENCE TWICE!" Celestia shrieked. Looks like there was no time to celebrate/mourn the new man-in-the-moon. "BEGONE WITH YOU ALL" Her elements began spinning around rapidly once more as she charged up her beam a second time.
"What! Hey, no fair!" Pinkie whined.
"Hey, funny hat guy, can you do that funky light show again?" Lyra asked.
"I've been violated! Ruined for marriage!" Luna wailed helpfully.
"Would be mighty helpful, yeah." Applejack nodded. "The magic thing, not ruining her for marriage." She added, pointing at Luna.
"As long as you don't turn the sun into your face too. Can you imagine seeing your face all day as well as all night?" The one named Bon Bon said.
"Wait...if the moon is his face, wouldn't the sun be his plot?" The pink one, Pinkie Pie, pointed out helpfully.
"Heavens help us." Sunny muttered in horror at the mental image, "Cannot. Unsee."
"Thou shalt not desecrate my moon again!" Luna continued to wail hysterically.
"No, but I have the next best thing." I said. "Arm spell codename Luna L-69, target - all living beings in this area. Destination - the Crystal Empire." I said. "Crystal Heart, start river-dancing!"
"Already on the second Morris jig." Crystal Heart announced. "I have a suspicion this dance was not designed to be safely done by quadrupeds...or bipeds...or anything with legs." Her voice turned grave once more, "Just one last warning, Master."
I sighed, knowing what she was probably about to say, "Go ahead."
"This will collapse what's left of our Empire. That is to say, our Citadel, our home." She said.
"....then so be it." I said with a little smile, looking around at Luna. There I found all the reassurance I needed. "That's a small price to pay. Just make sure you and the pinions get out safely."
"Very well. Spell armed and ready." She announced. My horn glowed with the final shred of magic my Empire had left. If this would be my last act as Emperor, then it would be my most glorious.
"Hey, Celestia!" I shouted over the sound of her whizzing elements. "Gotcha." I gave her a wink.
"SOMBRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Celestia bellowed, firing her phallic beam of doom once more. Yep, makin' the ladies scream my name, just how I roll.
Cyan magical circles expanded beneath our hooves. A brief burst of teleportation magic spirited away everypony within range of the town. And just a moment later, the divine solar beam struck and changed the map of Equestria forever. A flaming dust cloud as tall and magnificent as Cloudsdale filled the sky borne on superheated plasma. It was said that the shockwave was felt as far Gryphonia, that the ring of prismatic light left aurora burning through the night as far as Windfrostia. The dust would blanket the skies over Equestria and most of Gryphonia and Draconia for the next 2 weeks, turning the sky a bloody red.
Little did we know at the time that the event would later be recorded in the history books as the 'Bloody Summer Sun Incident'. It would be the first shot of the Equestrian Civil War, a war between the two goddess sisters and their followers. And amidst all this the many enemies of Equestria Celestia had made over the centuries took the opportunity to strike while Equestria was divided and weak, leading to the second Equian World War.
But that was another story for another day.
A few hundred miles from the heartlands of Equestria, an entire town's population of ponies plus an entire contingent of royal guards plopped out of thin air into cold yet thankfully soft snow. They found themselves abruptly thrown out of the height of their summer into a dark, frosty wasteland. Darkness and an approaching snow storm were beginning to take over what remained of the waning daylight. And as if it to complete the shock of their abrupt welcome to the Crystal Mountains, the ground rumbled violently underhoof. About 3000 heads turned to face the epicentre of the tremors, the crumbling crystal citadel in the distance.
Cries and shrieks of panic filled the air as the ponies, still disoriented from their sudden teleportation, watched in horror at the alien crystal structure collapse in on itself.
I picked myself up out of the snow just in time to see the peak of the citadel implode upon the central superstructure. A deep pang of horror struck me. I cared not for the citadel, only for what was inside. "Crystal Heart!" I gasped, struggling to push my weary body up onto my hooves. But my weakened legs would not carry me, instead letting me crash down and eat snow once more. "Crystal Heart!" I cried, sputtering out snow as I struggled once more. "CRYSTAL HEART!"
"M-Master...." A weak voice came over my helmet communicator, almost drowned in the noise of shattering crystal and crumbling ruins. "I-I'm sorry...I tried...to make it last...but...not even my magic...was enough..."
"NO!" I gasped, "Crystal Heart! Get out of there!" I cried. Luna's figure quickly approached, hooves skidding to a halt in the snow as she knelt down to help me up.
"What's wrong?" She demanded, pushing the nape of her neck under my chin and pulling me up onto my unsteady hooves. "Speak, man!"
"Crystal Heart! She used up all the stored up love magic, including her own!" I explained quickly, "The Empire's collapsing, and she's still inside!" I panicked. For the first time in an entire millenia, I truly and earnestly panicked.
"Citadel...structural integrity...compromised....too weak...to escape...cannot comply with...your order, Master...I am...sorry....I failed you..." Crystal Heart's faint whisper drowned out everything else, "...I'm sorry...so sorry..."
"NO!" I roared. "Crystal Heart! Hold on! I'm coming!" I stomped a hoof into the ground, "Beam me up! Beam me up, dammit! Take me to Crystal Heart! Take me there now!" I roared at the stormy sky.
Nothing but the wailing of the oncoming storm responded. I could feel Luna's look of concern upon my face. But my mind, my heart, everything, was upon Crystal Heart at that moment. "My kingdom..." I cried, pleading, "My kingdom for....for...for just a little bit of love..." My voice trailed away.
I was suddenly silenced.
It was a kiss.
A kiss so warm it felt like a wildfire spreading all throughout my body. My eyes shot open as the fiery electric tingle filled every bit of me.
I felt the warmth radiate off me into the air, melt the very snow under my hooves. The very sky above us exploded open, parting to in a burst of aurora light that lit up the heavens. A pink halo of light erupted forth above us, embracing the heavens in a dome of warmth.
The earth calmed under our hooves, as if soothed by the warmth and light. The crystal citadel's rumbling came to a peaceful halt, leaving the lower half the citadel intact.
And just as suddenly as it began, the kiss ended.
I found two deep, glistening pools of sapphire blue peer back at me. I couldn't help but gaze back, dumbfounded. Much to my surprise, the two beautiful glimmering pools were quickly filling, watering up with crystalline droplets. Then, very abruptly, their owner tore her gaze away from me, turning and galloping off. Under her hooves the snow seemed to dissolve away to reveal soft, velvety grass. Evening primroses and moon flowers bloomed and glowed in the dark in her wake as her hooves kicked up dandelion dust into the warm night air.
I could only watch, stupefied. So did 3000 other pairs of eyes surrounding us.
"Hello? Equus to Master?" Sunny's voice was like a vinyl scratch upon my spinning mind. "Don't you have more important matters to attend to?"
"Oh?" I blink, stupidly. "Oh, right! Crystal Heart!" I gasped. I could sense the Empire's love reserves were filled up stronger than ever before. With a stomp of my hoof I powered up the teleportation spell that would take me to Crystal Heart's location. "Beam me up!" I demanded. I was never happier to see a magical circle light up the grass beneath me.
Sunny only shook her head as the beam of light rushed me away to Crystal Heart's side. "That Master of mine..." I heard her mutter as I disappeared.
I reappeared in the command centre in a flash of magic, just as power was restored to the crystal lighting. The crystalline light lit up the mess left behind by the partial collapse. The walls and ceiling bore stress fractures, as if ready to give in and collapse at any moment were it not for the magical leylines now coursing through them, their magic stabilizing the fragile structure. Part of the ceiling had indeed collapse, right on top of the central command console, Crystal Heart's own docking station. What's left of me sank at the hopeless sight.
"Crystal Heart!" I rushed over to her docking station, now buried under a mound of crystalline rubble. With a burst of my magic I threw aside the massive crystal shards with wild abandon. "Please! Please be alright!" I pleaded, breathlessly, pouring all I had left into my horn. "Don't you dare! Don't you dare die on me!" I ordered in desperation, finally pulling aside the last shard. There, underneath, was the prone form of Crystal Heart, caught in a very narrow gap in between the rubble but otherwise seemingly whole at least. "Crystal Heart....?" I whispered, hoarsely, "Please...speak to me...." I pleaded, placing a hoof on her cheeks. "Please...."
"So...noisy..." The little cyan figure muttered.
"C-Crystal Heart..." I gasped, relief flooding me.
"Oh...Master....you're alive?" She blinked blearily up at me, "Or...are we both dead?" She muttered, "By heavens, I do not want to spend an eternity in Tartarus with you...Oh, wait, is that the very definition of Tartarus? It is, isn't it?"
"Y-you're awake." I sighed.
"Kinda...sleepy..." She murmured, drowsily.
"Wait, no, don't go back to sleep!" I cried, "Stay with me! Crystal Heart!"
"Mmnn....oh....plots at the end of the tunnel..." She whispered, dreamily.
"NO! DON'T GO INTO THE PLOT!" I cried, "CRYSTAL HEAAART!" I gasped as she went limp in my arms. "NOOOOO!"
"Seriously, you send all the mares to sleep, Master." Sunny's familiar voice huffed as its owner trotted out of a flash of teleportation magic. "Here, allow the all-powerful Sunset Shimmer to flex her greatness." She leaned down close to Crystal Heart. "Master had sex with Luna. That's what restored the Empire's power." Sunny whispered in Crystal Heart's ear.
Crystal Heart's eyes flew open "SEX WHERE?!" She gasped, rising so quickly she jabbed my eye with her horn.
"AAAAAAAAARGH!" I screeched, rolling about in absolute agony, clutching my poor violated eye.
"See, she's alright." Sunny pointed out.
"I'M NOT!" I cried.
About an hour later saw me standing on the balcony of my little den. My royal bed chambers had collapsed with the citadel's summit so I had to make do with my thankfully intact den. I peered out into the gathering darkness over my Empire, now awash with a faint but warm breeze, lit up by the brilliant curtain of aurora light upon a backdrop of a galaxy of stars above. Crystal torches glowed in the darkness as the former royal guards and my loyal pinions combed the city ruins for any possible stragglers. The rest of the survivors had been invited to take shelter in the only standing structure left, the citadel's base.
I had left organizing the shelters and the search parties to Luna, Spitfire and Sunny. I avoided dealing with crowds whenever I could. I knew I would have to, and soon, but why do now what you can do tomorrow?
Oh yeah, last time I did that, my faithful student walked out and started the Marepocalypse.
I sighed. It's been 1000 years. Even if it was just as a temporary shelter to a group of refugees, was I still up to governing ponies? Maybe I could leave it all to Luna...?
"You're certainly not leaving it all to me, are you, my lord?" A familiar voice asked. She rarely used to address me so formally in private. It was as if she was keeping her distance. I had expected it. I still felt the sting, however.
"You don't want to be inside my mind. I haven't cleaned it out in 1000 years." I said, turning to face Luna as she descended upon my balcony, wings flapping gracefully. Everything about her was beauty in motion, from her regal posture to her most pleasing plo-....pleasing voice.
"I don't need to be. I could read thee like a book, though I profess it would be one of those rather mature books you used to make that I would not touch with a ten-hoof-long-pike." She said, folding her wings neatly by her sides, shaking her lustrous midnight-blue mane out of her face.
"I still make them." I said with a little smile. "Well, some publisher somewhere's taken over, but they are still as popular as ever."
"Huh, I suppose stallions will remain the same no matter the millennium." She sighed, stepping up to join me at the balcony railing as she gazed out into the distance. "I must thank thee, my lord, for rescuing my subjects today."
"Yeah, gotta admit, I was quite awesome" I gave a little grin, earning myself a soft shake of her head and a smile from her. "Still, a lot of the rescuing today was your work. Even after 1000 years up there you think of others first. You haven't changed at all." I said, "I was expecting some kind of evil megalomaniac bent on bringing eternal night to return."
"Is that what she's told everypony?" Luna asked, her voice quivering just the teeniest bit.
"That is the general consensus, yes." I nodded. "But I would not worry about it too much. Actions speak louder, and your actions today was a rock concert unto itself." I said reassuringly.
"I could only hope." Luna nodded, glumly.
"Your next course of action will be the deciding factor." I said, gravely, deciding not to skirt around the issue. It had to be brought up. Might as well do so now. "Will you start a civil war with your sister?"
"...I..." She sighed, letting her head droop, "I...I don't know." She whispered. "You said so yourself, no leader should ever turn their people against their own."
"True, but, above and beyond that, no leader should ever turn their backs upon their own people. Those under our protection come first." I said, "As leaders we must be the ones to bear the burden of our choices. If you're ready to fight your sister then the Crystal Empire is ready to fight by your side. At least then it will not be a civil war, at least not in name."
There was silence as Luna looked up at the stars, as if searching for her answer. "You're a good leader, you know that, my lord?" Luna suddenly said.
"Because I can say a lot of pretty words?" I gave a sardonic grin.
"Everything you do, everything you create, is for the sake of others." She said, "Your empire, your armour and weapons that burn your magic to protect their bearers, even...Crystal Heart."
It's not like that. I'm not that noble. It's all only because I myself am...
"Thou art not a failure of an alicorn." Luna snapped, seemingly reading my mind once more, "Perish thy foolish thoughts. Thy magic may be mild, but thy mind and will has bent magic stronger than any Equestria hath ever seen today. Thou lack confidence in thyself, believing others to be more reliable. Hence the armours, the weapons, even Crystal Heart." She sighed, "But know this, I believe in thee, my lord. Many today hath come to believe in thee. Many more shall come to in the future. And the future is nearer than ever now."
That was another thing I hate about her. Whenever she opens her mouth, she sounds so right no matter how much I wanted her to be wrong. But what I hated more than anything then was how right she made me feel right there and then, how much I wished I could hold her and tell her that.
Godly googly wang balls, I sound so pathetic.
I must have worn my feelings on my face for her to easily read again. "I...came to make one matter clear to thee, my lord." She muttered, her dainty hooves shifting uncomfortably.
"It's alright....I'm ready." I replied, giving her an encouraging smile, one a little warmer than I really felt.
"I feel...I must explain why I left thee 1000 years ago." She murmured, "I suppose with what happened after, I never got the chance." She chuckled bitterly. Yes, getting banished to the moon can get in the way of a lot of things. "I owe thee that much, especially after what thou didst for me and my subjects."
"You owe me nothing, Luna." I said, "But....I would welcome that explanation." I said. Selfish as it sounded, it was something I had was dying to hear, even after 1000 years. I had to know why she suddenly left.
"I...I truly desired thy love." Luna said, her eyes brimming with earnest feelings. Her words took me by surprise and more. "And....and I was ready to give thee all that I was."
"My love, my heart, everything would have been yours, Luna." I was quick to blurt out, almost tripping over myself as I turned to face her. "It was...it was already yours, if anything."
"No. Not your heart." She sighed, looking back at the windows into my little den. I followed her gaze to find her looking at Crystal Heart who had come into the den with Sunny at her heels, the two seemingly bickering heatedly over something again, as per usual. "I know the truth, Sombra." She turned back to give me a sad gaze. I could only hope that was also one of longing. "You gave away your heart to create her, for the sake of your empire."
Silence followed, one I couldn't fill. For the briefest moment I saw what may have been a glimmer of hope in her eyes, a wish, perhaps for me to tell her it wasn't true. But I could not lie, not to her. Neither could I tell her the truth, not to her face.
Taking my silence for an answer, she gave a little bow. "...sorry, my lord. That was out of line. Please, forgive this insolent mare." She muttered.
How I wanted to tell her, that she was right, that I had given away my heart to create Crystal Heart, who would become the core of the Empire that we would rule together, to give it the magic and power I could never give it by myself. But more than that, I wanted to tell her that I believed, that I believed in her love for me, that it would be more than enough for the both of us. That now even without my own heart my love for her continued to beat in its place. That without her love and my love for her, the act would have long since consumed me, perhaps even warped me into some dark, empty husk capable of nothing but hatred and contempt for all that is good, one bent on bringing ruin to the Empire and the world beyond.
But I couldn't find the words.
"It's...it's alright." Was all my pathetic self managed to say. "I'm....I'm sorry too." I turned to look at Crystal Heart who was raising a hoof to knock on the doors to the balcony, "Rise now, Luna. I think Crystal Heart's coming."
Luna gave a little nod, rising and turning away, ready to take her leave as Crystal Heart entered.
"Oh, your highness princess Luna." Crystal Heart gave Luna a little bow of her head, "I beg you stay a while. I owe you a word of thanks for saving our empire."
"No, I did no such thing." Luna said, shaking her head humbly. "Now, if thou wouldst excuse me..."
"But everypony downstairs is talking about how the gallant and dashing knight saved the quintessential damsel-in-distress." Crystal Heart said, not budging from the balcony door.
"Is that so?" I allowed myself a little smile. Knight, huh? Well, it was a far cry from evil genius, but it had a nice ring to it.
"Indeed. Princess Luna makes quite the dashing knight." Crystal Heart said, nodding. I saw Sunny roll her eyes behind her before trotting off with a huff.
"Then the damsel-in-distress...." Luna looked around at me, before stiffling a little giggle. I could only frown in response.
"Everypony is asking when the royal engagement will be. I told them it will be tomorrow." Crystal Heart went on, calmly, as if commenting on the weather. "I have never felt such an overwhelming surge of love and hope. Love energy production rate is now nearing sustainable levels to maintain life in the Empire."
"W-wait, r-royal e-engagement?!" I blinked.
"Yes. You did promise, Master." Crystal Heart pointed out.
"L-Love power...?" Luna stammered. The two of us shared a look of absolute horror as the implications dawned upon us both. If there was ever a a damned-if-we-do, damned-if-we-don't moment, it would be then.
"Yes, with this much power our Empire, no, even all of Equestria can be saved." Crystal Heart nodded confidently. "I have thus taken the liberty of taking the most pragmatic course of action and begun preparing the ceremony and the feast. You have both done the deed, after all. I am quite sure you two lovebirds wouldn't mind rushing making matters official for the sake of our Empire's survival?" She asked, hopefully.
"Wait! You can't just....Sombra! Say something!" Luna sputtered, suddenly using my name in her panic.
"Oh, we can talk about this later, I'm sure." I sighed, dreamily, barely registering anything anymore.
"Later?!" Luna gasped. "S-Sombra!"
"Yes, for now, I must...err...go beddy-bye." I gave a loud sigh before keeling over and blacking out peacefully.
Little did I know, we weren't the only ones awake upon the Crystal plains that night.
"Your highness Queen Chrysallis." A dark shadow peeled itself out of the gloom to report to a tall, stately figure silhouetted against the stars. "We've found the civilian settlement. We spotted a small garrison of Equestrian guards patrolling the perimeter."
"Equestrian...?" The tall figure smacked her lips, as if tasting the word, "Hah! I wouldn't put it past the treacherous colt to make an alliance with Celestia." She laughed, surprisingly cheerily. "Ah, Sombra, you never fail to give me a challenge. Captain, mobilize the troops we managed to slip in while the Empire's shield was down. Scatter them amongst the populace. We attack tomorrow. Until then, you have command."
"Doing some scouting, your highness?" The dark shadow before her asked.
"Visiting an old friend...." The Queen grinned, peering up at the distant twinkle of the Crystal Citadel. "Sombra, tomorrow Crystal Heart will be mine. It is on..."
Needless to say, I shivered fitfully in my sleep.
