Am Ah Ready?
Mac looked down into the crib at the small bundle that lay there. It was wrapped in blue blankets, much like the ones it was wrapped in the first time Mac had ever set his eyes upon the small object, and Mac felt his heart fill with a love he could never describe. The blanket was decorated with green apples of his own and rainbow thunderbolts of the mare he loved, keeping the small yellow colt warm and snug. His breaths were so shallow, Mac found it hard to believe that his was the same foal that could be heard across the orchard.
His son seemed to have gotten all the positive traits of both Pegasus and Earth ponies, only a few months old but his wings were already so strong that he could lift himself into the air a few inches. That he was already getting sturdy on his legs at such a young age made Mac’s heart swell with pride. Everything about his son seemed so perfect, so amazing, and just so impossibly right.
It scared him.
It scared Mac to no end. Was he ready to be a father? He thought he was. For eleven months he read everything he could get his hooves on about being one. He had gone to Mr. Cake for tips about how to be a good father. He laughed at him, saying he could never a picture a stallion more suited for fatherhood.
Everypony thought he must be, for he had raised Applejack and Apple Bloom mostly by himself while Granny suffered from depression for losing her son and daughter-in-law. He was just doing what he thought a brother should be doing, not a father. There was a difference between looking after your sisters, who felt the same pain he did after losing a father and a mother, and raising a foal that came from his own flesh and blood.
Mac looked down at the colt, his son, his Zap Apple. He was born a completely healthy Pegasus, flapping his wings and trying to fly almost from the moment he was born. He craved he sky as much as his mother, Rainbow Dash, did.
She seemed more ready to be a mother than he was to be a father, already calling their son a future Wonderbolt, and seeming to get into the swing of being a mother easily. Meanwhile, he was still struggling to deal with the concept of being a father.
He loved his Pa more than anything in the world, and knew he was a strong and honorable Earth Pony that taught his son everything he ever needed to know about farming and being a gentlecolt. But, he never taught Mac about how to be a dad, how to raise something that was created out of love, something that was to inherit different traits from him and his mother.
What was he to do? He felt alone in the world with this problem. It seemed like everyday a pony would comment to him and Dash about how Mac always seemed destined to be the perfect dad. How he looked so at home with a small Zap sleeping on his back while he and Rainbow took a evening walk, or while he plowed the fields. How could he possibly confide any of his fear into a pony when they all saw him as the perfect dad already.
Resting his hooves on the crib, he leaned closer to the small foal, watching him as he breathed, a small miracle it seemed with every breath. He looked so comfortable, so at peace, unlike his father, who was panicking at the very sight of his son.
“You know you can hold him, right?” Mac gave a start as he whipped around to the entrance of his son’s room.
Standing there with such an easy grin, that Mac could not help but feel jealous of, was his sister, Applejack. She was not wearing her traditional hat, for it was late at night and she must have just woken up. Her mane and tail were a mess and knotted and her eyes were half closed, obviously still waking up.
“Ah know, just lookin’ at em,” Mac said, trying to force a smile as he looked at her, before looking back down at his son. “Ah’ll be goin’ back ta bed in just a few.”
“Ya got somethhin’ on yer mind don’t ya?” Applejack walked beside Mac and joined him at looking down at the young colt. “You’ve always done yer thinkin’ at night. Either goin’ into the living room and watch the embers die in the fireplace, or goin’ out into the orchard to watch stars. More recently, you’ve been comin in here.”
“Have ya been spyin on me?”
“Of course Ah have. Ah’m yer little sister; it’s what Ah’m supposed ta do. So spill it, Mac. What’s got ya thinkin tonight?” Mac looked into the green eyes he shared with Applejack. They looked a bit more awake now and seemed to be looking right at Mac’s soul. Shaking his head, he resumed his vigil over Zap.
“Ain’t nothin’ to worry yerself about, A.J. You go on back ta bed ya hear?”
“Horseapples.”
“Applejack!” Mac hissed in a whisper, looking down at his son, to see him just sleeping as peacefully as ever. “Dash already swears too much in front of him, Ah don’t need ya to do the same thing. Don’t want his first word ta be a swear. Ya understand?” Mac said in a low growl, to which Applejack only chuckled. Between his sister, his wife, the rest of his family and friends, Mac seemed to be the only one concerned about what his son’s first word might be.
“Aww come off it,Mac,” Applejack laughed still as she patted him on the back. “Ya can tell me, Mac. Don’t got to keep it all bottled up.” she said in such an easy tone, that Mac felt like pushing her away. To him, she sounded like his problem was going to be minor, that it was a quick fix of some kind. He knew better than that, though, his sister was just there to help.
“Gotta promise me ya won’t tell nopony else, even Rainbow, ” Mac said, his voice low and his eyes never leaving his son. He sat there waiting for a reply, never looking up to see what his sister’s reaction was to this. He had never been a secretive pony, but this issue was so close to his heart he didn’t want it go get around.
“Alright, Mac,” Applejack said, after a moment of silence. She started to rub her brother’s back as he looked down at his son. “What is it that’s got ya actin like this?” Mac looked down at his son, watching as that tiny chest rise up and down so peacefully, how his lips were slightly parted as he slept, and how his right ear kept twitching. His son was too perfect for him.
“Ah don’t think Ah can be a good pa,” Mac said, in a voice barely above a whisper. “Ah just don’t think Ah can take care of em the way Ah’m supposed to.” Mac felt his eyes burning as he kept looking at Zap. He really was a useless father, doubting himself when he was supposed to be his son’s rock, the pony he could come to, a good pa.
“Mac, Ah don’t understand. Yer goin to be a great pa, everypony knows that. Why, ya practically raised Bloom and I,” Applejack whispered back, running her hoof up and down Mac’s back, but he pulled away.
“That’s what everypony keeps sayin’; that Ah’m gonna be some kind of super dad. That Ah got all of the answers, that Ah raised the two of ya. Applejack, Ah got no answers, Ah don’t know what Ah’m supposed to do, and Ah didn’t raise you two.” Mac turned to his sister for the first time, and she was shocked at what she saw.
While his face seemed as stoic as ever, Applejack could see deep into Mac’s eyes showing a deep and unseen sadness, a look she had never seen in the eyes of her brother. He was always so strong, their rock, the one pony they could always count on when the goings go tough. But there was a defeat in her eyes, a look of some kind that almost made her skin crawl almost.
“Ah was just a brother lookin out fer ya. Hell A.J, by the time you could walk and talk ya didn’t need anypony’s help to do nothin’. You just knew what to do. And Bloom? Just look at her. Never did Ah see a filly so in tune with herself, that could do impossible feats like her. All ya need from me is ta plant the seeds and bring in the apples. You two never needed ma help with anythin’ else.” Mac sobbed, as he covered his eyes with his hoof, too ashamed to look at his sister or his son, the pony that should never hear or see their father cry.
“A colt is supposed to look at his father to be strong, independent, and able to do anythin. All ma son is goin’ to see is a slow, dull, farmer that only knows how to buck trees and pull a plow. His mother, Rainbow, is going to be the one that he always looks up to. Then there's you and Apple Bloom. He is gonna see ya two as more useful than his father. His father is just gonna be a joke.” Mac was unable to stop himself. He had only talked this much a few times in his life. He wanted to stop, he wanted to just stop talking and take it all back, but he couldn't. It was all spilling out into the open.
“A dull, slow, farmer, that’s only accomplishment in life is bein’ good at math and marrying the mare of his dreams. Face it Applejack, Ah’m just a jo-” Mac was unable to finish, for he felt a stinging pain in the side of his face. Looking over at Applejack, she saw that she had tears running down her face, her hoof outstretched from where she slapped him.
“Applejack wh-”
“Never talk about yerself that way again!” Applejack hissed as she took a step forward and started to poke Mac in the chest, angry tears still running down her face. “You think yer gonna be some lousy father because there are better ponies around you? Because you don’t think ya measure up? Ah got news fer you, Mac, your goin to be the best dang father there is because you are a natural at it already!”
“Ah don’t know how ta be father. What is that colt gonna see in-”
“You don’t know how to be a father? Do ya think Bloom and Ah just came out knowin what we know? Buck no! You taught us everythin, Mac! Who taught me to buck apples?”
“Ah did but that what a-”
“Father is supposed to do! Pa died before he could teach me how ta buck apples. He taught you, and you taught, not just me, but Bloom as well! Also, who taught Apple Bloom how to talk? Ah sure as hell didn’t and Granny was still too upset by the deaths of our parents. You taught her how to talk when you weren't plowing the fields, getting me ready fer school, makin’ breakfast, and handing me ma lunch fer the day.” Applejack’s face was turning red as she scolded her brother, who just hung his head.
“Remember what her first word was? What was it, Mac? What was the first word she said?” she poked him harder, and harder in the chest as she glared at him. Mac mumbled something, which only made Applejack poke him harder. “What was that?”
“Eeyup.”
“That’s right! And she learned that from you! You taught me how ta be honest, to be hard workin’, and ta be the best pony Ah can be. You were there fer Bloom and Ah all our lives. When Bloom has a nightmare, she doesn’t call out to Granny or me to comfort her, she calls fer you. And that’s what Zap is gonna do as well, he’s gonna call fer his pa to save him from the monster under his bed and in his closet.
“You really think you’re just gonna be some joke to him? You're the strongest pony in all of Equestria, the number one farmer in these parts, best apple bucker in this family, and, above all else, yer gonna be his dad.” Applejack, placed her forelegs around Mac’s neck and pulled him into a tight hug, tears still falling. “Somepony that he can talk to when everypony else is off doing somethin amazing, yer gonna be right here for him, always. Like a real dad should be.” Mac could only sit there in astonishment as his sister vented to him, hugging him tightly.
“Thank ya, A.J.” Mac finally said, returning the hug. “Ah just don’t know still, Ah guess its just so new to me to be a real dad.” Mac looked over at the crib to see that the bundle inside was stirring a bit. Letting go of Applejack, he walked over to the crib and lifted Zap out of his crib, as the tiny colt started to wake up. At once, Mac started to rock the small foal in his arms, keeping him against his chest to keep the little colt warm.
“Shh...shh, don’t cry now, ya hear? Ah don’t need yer mama wakin up now, she will be grumpy all tomorrow if you start to cry, and we both don’t want that, now do we?” Mac whispered to his son, rocking him gently in his arms. As he did this, Applejack watched him, wiping a few of the stray tears from her face. For a pony that didn’t know if he could be a dad, he didn’t hesitate to lift that foal up to comfort him.
Little Zap looked up at Mac, with a set of bright green eyes that he had gotten from his father, and giggled slightly as he extended a hoof and booped him on the nose like Derpy always did when she came to visit. Mac laughed at this as he pressed his nose against his son’s and rubbed against it.
“Yer a clever little pony, arn’t ya?” Mac asked his son, as Zap just giggled as he looked at his dad. “Can ya say mama? Ma-Ma. Can ya do that yet, Zap?” Mac asked, as he rocked the small colt in his arms, hoping to lull him back to sleep.
Zap just looked up at his father, cocking his head to the side to the bit as he did so. Mac just chuckled at his son’s expression, he didn’t expect him to start talking anytime soon. Kissing him on the forehead, Mac put him back into the crib, and continued to look down at him.
“A.J, can ya go downstairs and get em’ a bottle of warm milk? Ah’d do it maself, but Ah’m afraid he’ll start cryin if Ah left. He always seems to do that when Dash or Ah-”
“Bu-Bu-Buck!” Mac’s eyes went wide, along with Applejack’s as they both looked into the crib and the giggling colt, who was just looking up at them. The siblings exchanged a look of confusion and a bit of uncertainty.
“Did he just?”
“Ah don’t know, but surely he wouldn't-”
“Buck!” Mac and Applejack looked down at Zap again to see him giggling more now, apparently finding the looks on his father’s and aunt’s faces funny. “Buck! Buck! Buck!” he shouted, over and over again as he looked up at the two.
“He’s, he’s talking.” Applejack said in astonishment, as she looked over at Mac. His face was contorted in confusion as he looked down at his son. She could see a smile twitching on his lips, but his eyes told a story of pure confusion.
“Ma son’s first word is a swear,” Mac said softly, as his son kept on giggling. “Ma son’s first word...” he said again as Applejack watched him.
“Now Mac, it ain’t all that bad. Ah’m sure ya can-”
“Ma son’s first word!” Mac shouted joyously, leaning into the crib and picking up his son and hugging him tightly. “Ma son is talkin’ already!” he laughed, as he held his son who kept saying ‘buck’ over and over. “Quick! A.J.! Go get Dashie! She wouldn't want to miss this!” he laughed.
Applejack just nodded, as she ran out of the room towards the room where Mac and Rainbow shared a bit down the hall. As she did so, Mac just held his son close to his chest.
So what if his son’s first word was a swear. At that moment he couldn't care less. He felt his pride swelling in his chest as he looked down at the small Zap Apple, who was just laughing and giggling as he said his first word.
Maybe no father was ever fully ready to take on the responsibility of being a father, or have a full understanding of what being a father meant. But moments like this, where all he could do was think of how proud and how much he loved his son, Mac could not help but feel that at that moment he could take on the entire world for his son.
He would make his son proud to call him his pa. To make sure to love his son as much as a father could, and teach him everything he knew about being a farmer, a gentlecolt, an Apple, and to be the best pony he could be. Big Mac was his father, and he was always going to be there for him.
Author's Note
Thank you to jzellmer for all the edits, CptBrony and Bad_Seed_72 for all the moral support, KarmaDash for just dealing with me, Mr Bronius Maximus for the edits and improvements and all you other fantastic people out there!
