It was a normal, happy, sunny day in Equestria. Obviously this meant something terrible would happen. And terrible, terrible things did happen. To Celestia and Luna at least. Everypony else were perfectly fine.
Celestia sat in her chambers, relaxing by drinking her favorite tea out of her favorite mug, when she realized something absolutely incredible.
She had absolutely nothing to do today.
For the first time in over a thousand years, absolutely nothing demended her attation. She had not received any rude letters for the insufferably snooty aristocrats, ~~like Blueblood~~, about putting more hours in a day, or other things as stupid as that, it was a summer afternoon, so she didn't have no lower the sun for hours, there was no Discord, or Tirek, or whoever else destroying Equestria. Celestia noticed that she never felt the full effects of boredom.
She HATED it.
"Well, I could send Twilight a letter," she said to herself. "Oh yeah, she and her friends are spending the week in Saddle Arabia for diplomatic reasons," She thought to herself for a few minutes, trying to think of something to do. Everything she thought of was either already done, or too way much effort. Suddenly she had a brilliant idea! "I know, I will go to the royal library. There are still interesting books from long, long ago I still haven't read fully,"
So she wandered down the marble hallways to the library, humming "You'll Play your Part". As she turned a corner, now full out singing, she met two mildly surprised guards outside the royal library doors.
"Your highness, may I inquire what has put you in such a good mood?" one of them asked.
"Absolutely nothing," Celestia replied with a small smile as she walked on, leaving behind two very confused guards.
"What was up with that song?" one asked the other.
"I don't know, it was pretty weird," the other one replied.
"Don't insult the song, it's a really good song," they heard Celestia say from in the royal library.
"Of course, your highness" said the guards simultaneously, getting back into their stance.
One hour later, a mildly frustrated Celestia was going through the oldest and least visited library wing, the 12th century wing, going through all the books, to see if there was one she had not read yet.
As she flipped through the books she muttered to herself, "Read it, read it, read it, read it, read it severally times, read it, read it, Oh boy, I should really get rid of this one, read it, read it, read it, Oh, what is this here?"
She had found a cream-colored hardback book that only had the word 'EXCALIBUR' written on it. It had no author or publication date, but other than that, it seemed like a perfectly legit book.
So Celestia sat down and started reading the book. The longer she read, the more interested she became. The book told of a legendary weapon called Excalibur, also know as the Holy Sword, and anypony that is able to draw the sword from the ground will be hailed as a hero and shall receive everlasting glory and fame. Also, the wielder will be given wings of light and granted the ability to soar through the sky. The sword can cut through space with a single swing and is the most powerful weapon in the world.
Celestia's thoughts ran wild with the idea of obtaining the Holy Sword Excalibur. She didn't care much for the everlasting fame or glory, she had enough of that as an immortal princess, but the sword's power could be used to stop any new and inevitably threat that comes to Equestria, especially with the Elements of harmony gone in the tree of harmony.
As she raced out of the library and back to her chambers to study the book a little closer and make the necessary preparations, she ran into Luna.
"Hello, dear sister, how art thou this lovely day?"
"Good, good, but Luna, I have something very important to show you!" exclaimed Celestia.
"Pray tell, sister, what is thou so excited about?" replied Luna.
"I have found a book about a powerful and legendary sword that might protect us from the way-too-common villain attacks," Celestia explained, "and it also tells us where to find it,".
"But how are thou sure the legend is true, or that this 'holy' sword is still there?"
"I don't, but there is no harm in trying, do you want to come along with me to find Excalibur?"
"Well sister, that is entirely true, we could be crushed to death by falling rocks, or mauled by wild beasts, or simply get lost in-"
"Do you want to come with me to find the Holy Sword or not Luna?"
"Fine, I shall accompany thou, but if we are killed, you shall resume full responsibility."
"If I'm dead how will I resume responsibility?"
"Thou art aware of what thy means."
"Of course I am Luna, now go make the necessary preparations and meet me inf front of the castle gates in one hour,"
"Of course sister," Luna said, she then turned and walked calmly down the hallway, seemingly bored. However, as soon as she turned the corner Celestia heard:
"Huzzah! An adventure!" Celestia just rolled her eyes as she heard Luna gallop away to her chambers to prepare. She would never change.
One hour later, Celestia and Luna were leaving the castle, when they were approached by another guard.
"Princesses, may I pleases know where your location is?"
"Thou does not really need to know that" coldly replied a slightly annoyed Luna. Why would this noisy guard want to know that?
"Its just for security reasons, your highness,"
"We are just going for a small walk"
"Then why do you have saddle-packs filled with food?"
"We are going for a picnic, Noble Charge, we will be back by the end of the day" interjected Celestia.
"Alright then, have a good picnic then Princesses," he said as he sank into a bow.
As they started to leave Canterlot, Luna angrily burst out "Why was thy royal guard so pushy? Back when thy was here, no Guard dealt that high amount of cheek,"
"Luna, haven't you learned yet we live in a different world, then we did 1,000 years ago? The guards are just doing their job, trying to protect us"
Luna ignored Celestia and started grumbling. A few minutes later, she asked "Tia, where is this sword located anyways?"
"It is in a cave to the east, we should be there in a hour or so,"
Luna groaned. She didn't think that obtaining the most powerful weapon in Equestria would be that difficult.
Author's Note
This chapter is kinda short, but upcoming chapter(s?) will be longer. Please point out any mistakes so I can fix them.
One long, hour long trek later, with much grumbling and complaints from Luna, the royal alicorn sisters arrived at a 50-foot tall waterfall, with what seemed to be a cave at the top.
"Are we there yet now?" groaned Luna for just about the four-hundredth time.
"Actually, we are here," said Celestia in a patient tone, barley concealing her frustration.
"Huzzah, let us go forth then!" exclaimed a newly energized Luna, not paying attention and galloping straight into the cliff wall.
"Lulu, it would probably be easier to fly over the cliff that into it," Celestia said with a giggle, slightly feeling that this was pay back from her incessant griping the entire way here.
"Thou shall stop talking to thyself with that unsavory level of sarcasm now, Tia," Luna threatened, more that a little annoyed that Celestia was amused by her blunder.
"Of course Luna dear, now lets get going, the sword is up in that cave up there, it shouldn't be much longer after that,"
So they two alicorn sisters spread their wings and glided over the waterfall to find a truly spectacular sight. It was a cave with blue walls and pillars. As they traveled further down the pristine river inside the cave, the blue turned into yellow, and beautiful stalactites spiraled down from the ceiling, and just as inspiring stalagmites pointed up through the glistening waters.
They continued on for several more minutes, only to encounter a strange being. It was bipedal and it was only about 6 inches tall and flew around with gossamer wings made out of seems to be morning dew. It was dressed in a white dress and hat, with holes in it for the creature's antenna. Celestia and Luna just stared at the creature for a second, they had seen nothing like it before. The strange life-form stared back with equal intensity.
"Hi!' it suddenly greeted it just about the highest voice known to ponykind.
"Ummmm.....Hello?" squeaked a some-what shocked Celestia "Do you know if the Holy Sword Excalibur is here? Are we going the right way?"
Suddenly the fairy made a very strange reaction. Instead of answering Celestia's questions, she squinted her eyes, and scrunched up her face in a sneer of absolute and total anguish, disgust, and disdain. the intriguing creature merely flew away after that show of interesting behavior.
"What the buck was that Tia?" implored a confused Luna
"I believe that we have just witnessed what is called a 'fairy'. There are only a few texts about analyze this ancient and magical race, however, still is undiscovered and unknown about this mysterious species" replied Celestia, quickly getting over her shock, "Although why it made that facial expression, I honestly have no idea about,"
"Well as thou said Tia, maybe it is just a strange quirk, or in their respective culture it is considered a greeting, or otherwise," responded Luna. "But never mind that, let us move forward!" she shouted as she raced onward.
After a few more minutes of rushing through the river cave, Luna instantaneously found herself in a huge circular chamber, with a huge stone uplift in the middle of the room. There it was. Mounted right into a pedestal on top of the uplift, the Holy Sword Excalibur stood in all of its epic glory.
At this point, Celestia had finally caught up to Luna, and was panting as she pleaded, "Please.....Luna........slow.....down....im ...winded.....," Celestia looked at Luna's face to see that she was soaking in the eminence of the sword.
"Its.....................................beautiful," Luna said simply.
The two slowly approached the pedestal, with every step, sensing more and more magic in the air. As they neared the sword, they nodded at each other. Both took one handle on either side of the blade with their hooves and pulled it up. Suddenly a masculine voice boomed.
"Welcome to my cave young ones!" it shouted as the sword lifted its self out the the flabbergasted alicorn's hooves and was enveloped in a blinding ball of light. It was so bright that Luna, and even Celesta had to look away and cove their eyes in fear of blowing out their retinas.
When the light faded, there stood a peculiar.......thing. It was only two feet tall, had slender arms and legs, with feet like a rabbit's, and was completely white. It had big, bulbous eyes, a prominent upturn nose. It wore a white top hat almost as tall as the creature itself with a cane. It also sported a matching vest with a frill, though it wore a disturbing lack of pants. This bizarre combination made it appear to be a failed arts and crafts project.
"How in-in-incredibly.................," Luna stammered as she tried to find the perfect word, finally deciding on "lame!"
"Hello, young ones, may I inquire your names?" it implored.
"Oh" Celestia, uttered a quick gasp of surprise, but not wanting to be rude stated, "I am Celestia, and this is-"
"FOOL! My legend dates all the way back to the 12th century. That was very a long time ago," interrupted the strange thing as it waved it's cane straight at Celestia's face. "I am Excalibur, the ancient Holy Sword, compared to me, you are nothing,"
"Why did thou ask our names if you-" Luna tried to exclaim, but to no avail.
"FOOL! Where did you come from?" Excalibur asked as he pointed its cane at Luna.
"We came from Canter-" Celestia started.
"I know that already. Tell me, what is your favorite number between 1 and 12?"
Put off by the extremely off-topic question, the alicorn sisters just stared at him before answering
"Mine is 12," replied the white alicorn.
"And mine is 1," added the dark blue alicorn
"Who are you to choose a number? My legend dates back to the 12th century," and for good measure, he added, "fools".
Luna was starting to get really annoyed by this thing. "I don't think I'm a fool, mister, I'll have you know I am an immortal princess an I-"
"FOOL! You have no need for that exclusive information," Once again changing topic at the speed of light he asked, "Do you know what this hat is?"
Celestia, who while was getting fed-up like Luna, found it more hilarious than annoying, replied "While it looks to be of excellent 11th century craftsmanship, if that's what you are getting at,"
"FOOL! If you don't know I'll inform you. The taller the chef's hat, the greater the chef!" He said as he struck a little pose.
"So thou art saying thou is an esteemed chef?"
"Who ever said I was a chef?"
At this, Luna collapsed in a fit of annoyance, and said without emotion, "Tia, you deal with him for a while, I need a break from this cane-waving freak,"
As Celestia turned back to Excalibur, he was humming to himself. As soon as Celestia attempted to open her mouth to say something, she received a face full of cane.
"FOOL! This is the first provision of 1,000, provision #58, don't talk to me while I am humming to myself,"
"Sorry, I wasn't aware of that," replied a wary Celestia, expecting at any second for him to shout 'fool' again.
"Would you like to hear the tale of me?"
"Yes please, knowing your history will help when-"
"FOOL!" was all he said this time. Excalibur just stood there for a minute, and then started walking very slowly to the other side of the island, stood there for a second, then walk back just as slowly. "And thus this brings me to provision #679, always keep at dehumidifier in your room,"
"But that was completely unrelated to-"
"FOOL!" as he once again thrust his cane into Celestia's face.
Celestia just facehoofed, she understood that she walked right into that one. She was seriously considering joining Luna on the floor.
"My days begin at the cafe with a cup of coffee with cream. My afternoons begin at the cafe with a cup of hot tea. In the evenings, I change into my pajamas,"
"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay," said Celestia nervously, anticipating the awful cane.
"Thus provision #778, Never mail your mail without a return address and proper postage," "And don't call collect," he added threateningly. "Here, have this," as he handed Celestia at huge stack of double-sided papers, and putting another stack next to the quivering form of Luna. "This is a complete list of the 1,000 provisions, and don't forget provision #452, the daily 5-hour story telling party, for this is the most important provision of all,"
At this point Luna finally regained her sanity enough to stand up and asked Excalibur "If we do follow there provisions, how exactly will you benefit us?"
"As a gesture of respect for your interest and inquiry, I shall sing you a song,"
"Bu-bu-bu-but-" Luna stuttered as she immediately regretted getting off the floor.
"FOOL! You don't have the power to deny a singer his song," So he began.
Excalibur~! Excalibur~!
From the United K!
I'm looking for heaven!
I'm going to California~!
Excalibur~! Excalibur~!
This was the breaking point. Both Luna and Celestia looked at each other, nodded, and used their alicorn magic to force Excalibur into sword form, and shoved him back into he pedestal, and started to walk away.
"Wait, wait, where are you going? Don't you want the fame and glory?"
"Forget it, your not worth it," said a recovering Luna.
"No, don't go! I can change the 1,000 provisions down to 800! As long as we keep the story-telling party!" He pleaded, but the sisters walked away without a glance back.
When they started to near the exit, the again bumped into the fairy.
"So, did you find the Holy Sword Excalibur?" it inquired.
Celestia and Luna didn't respond but just made this face:
"They meet him alright," sighed the fairy to it's self in it's excruciatingly high voice as it watched the two royal alicorn sisters fly away, never to speak of this adventure again.
Author's Note
Fun tip! Don't write a fan fiction at 2am! S tuff like this happens! Seriously though, thanks for all the support on my first ever story. Also please point out any mistakes so I can fix them up.
