Garry's Mod Vs. Equestria: ASDFMovie is Awesome!

by Fussan

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 13217

ASDFMovie invades Equestria. Stupidity ensues.

Because Gmod wasn't silly enough as it was. Because "too far" is never far enough. Because finding the most insane ways to cause harm to somebody is the greatest goal of man. Because we can. Because internet.
All of these are reasons as to why this happened. Of course, none of them are very good, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that these ponies will never know what hit them... Heck, even I'm not too sure...

I DO NOT OWN THIS MOD, ASDFMOVIE, OR GMOD!!!!! Cover art by the mod maker.
I did not put any ponies in the character selector because I'm going to include most--if not all--of them in the story. Plus none of them are much else besides helpless victims.

Published 2014-05-19 02:30:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-10 05:56:23 UTC

Edward (Twilight Sparkle)

Twilight was lounging around her new castle, just pondering what it is she really ruled over. Was she the princess of all friendship, or just friendship in general? Did she have some kind of power to rule over that friendship? Did she have some sort of role to play? Was she even important as a princess? Was she even relevant to friendship; as friendship isn't really something that can be controlled, and trying to would be impossible.

...

"... Am I irrelevant to Equestria?" she wondered aloud. "Am I really not needed? Is being the princess of friendship really as pointless as it sounds?" Her eyes widened in shock and horror. "Am I... worthless...?!" she gasped, her voice trembling with the sheer weight of the revelation.

A knock came from the door to the castle.

The (now-irrelevant) princess of friendship, Twilight Sparkle, raised her eyes to look towards the noise. "It's open!" she called down the lengthy hall.

Another knock came from the door.

"It's open!" she called again, this time louder.

Another knock came from the door.

Twilight furrowed her brow in irritation. "It's not looked for Celestia's sake! Just open the door!" she shouted at the unknown imbecile who was disturbing her train of thought into her existential crisis.

...

"..."

...

"..."

Another knock came from the castle door.

Twilight glared at the door in anger, clearly not happy that somepony so idiotic would be disturbing her. Most likely not even for a good reason, either. "For pony's sake," she growled under her breath as she rose from her--comparatively small--throne, making her way down the long hallway to open the door for whoever it was that saw fit to anger a princess, worth and relevance not standing.

There was another knock from the door.

She glared just a little bit harder at the crystalline structure, almost wishing the box that she ignored (and admittedly had forgotten about) until it was relevant to the current situation had installed a vat of boiling oil above the door, so she could just shoo the one disturbing her away.

Another knock sounded from the door.

Her glare intensified tenfold, her pace becoming that much more swift. Whoever was at the door was going to pay dearly for interrupting her midlife crisis.

Another knock echoed through the hall, bouncing off of the walls, amplifying the sound to near-deafening volumes.

Twilight was nearly jogging to the door now, her breaths heavy and her teeth grinding in anger. Her temper was rising to dangerous levels, and whoever was behind that door only meters in front of her was going to be sorry for knocking before they entered a room!

A knock came from the door.

Twilight was literally fuming now, small traces of steam rising from her head as the rage boiled inside of her. She finally reached the door, raising her hoof to open it when...

"Knock, knock!" said a muffled voice. A voice that she almost recognized.

Out of curiosity, she asked, "Who's there?"

The door slammed inward, crushing her against the wall of her castle that she neither needed nor was practical. "The door!" yelled the voice.

Just before Twilight blacked out from pain and a mild concussion, she heard a sickeningly familiar laugh echoing around the room and reverberating in her ears.

Annoying One (Pinkie Pie)

It was a sunny, pretty, super-wonderific afternoon in Ponyville! The birds were singing! The ponies were smiling! And everything was absolutely perfect!

Ahem...

Pinkie Pie was trotting blissfully down one of the many streets of Ponyville, humming the tune to her favorite song and thinking about the parties she was planning for later that day, as nearly every day was a party with her. She was thinking whether balloons, streamers, or confetti would be more appropriate for the occasion. After a few seconds she decided that all three would be the most logical choice.

But who needs logic when you have Pinkie Sense?! Nopony, that's who! Pinkie snortled to herself as she thought this, thinking it to be very, very funny.

Yes, Pinkie was a certain sort of mare... The kind that sees everything through rose colored glasses, and does everything she possibly can to make everything around her happy and fun. Even if it's the opposite of fun, it must be made fun. Nopony can be left untouched by her influence. Nopony must be allowed to remain unfunned by Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie waved to a pair of passing ponies as she made her way to wherever it was she was going.

They looked to her with slightly glazed over eyes, and smiles that seemed just a tiny bit too wide to be normal. They waved back to her in perfect unison, stopped waving in perfect unison, looked forward in perfect unison, and proceeded to walk off in perfect unison.

Pinkie smiled to herself, thinking how much of a good job she had done here in Ponyville with spreading her happiness around to everypony... Everypony...

She put her hoof to her chin in thought, squinting her eyes and humming to herself. "Do I need any more ingredients for my cupcakes...?"

A passing pony accidentally bumped into her during her thinking, almost knocking her over in doing so. "Hey, pay attention, would ya?!" shouted the offending stallion as he plodded along the path towards a conveniently secluded spot in Ponyville.

Pinkie was stunned for only a second before letting her eyes follow the stallion. She smiled. "Guess I'm running low after all," she said to herself, uncharacteristically quiet, and with a smile she reserved only for those who worked in the same line of work as she did.

But just as she was about to follow him, a small sign post fell from the sky and stuck in the ground just in front of her, prompting a surprised yelp from her. When she was calmed down thanks to a few seconds of deep breathing, she closely inspected the sign. "Aha!" she declared loudly. "I knew it!" she yelled, throwing her hoof in the air, then leveling it in accusation at the sign. "It's a sign!"

Somewhere far off, an invisible audience was clapping in admiration and only Pinkie Pie could hear them.

She pulled a detective hat and a bubble pipe from somewhere unknown to all but Pinkie and applied them to the proper places on her body as she inspected the sign closely. It had words on it... Of course! Slowly, she read the words out loud. "I want to be a pie..." She rubbed her chin with a hoof while blowing bubbles from the pipe in the corner of her mouth. What's that supposed to mean? she asked herself. Only... she didn't. Huh? Where's my voice? Did it run away again?

Pinkie reached up to her mouth to try to find her voice. But she didn't. Her mouth wasn't there. Neither was her hoof, or anything for that matter. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak, she couldn't even think! Oh no, wait, yes she could.

She tried to look around, but soon discovered that she could see nothing but the sign no matter how hard she looked anywhere else. Nothing worked! Nothing except only the most basic of senses. She could smell apples. Apples and cinnamon, and possibly vanilla. She could hear the ponies going about their daily business. She could see the sign. She could taste apple pie for some reason. But the strangest thing of all was that she could feel something cold and circular on her bottom half.

Wait a second... Apples and cinnamon and vanilla... something round under me... apple pie flooding my taste buds... that sign in front of me... Pinkie gasped, or, at least gasped in her thoughts. I'm a pie! she exclaimed in her mind. That's hilarious! A Pie is actually a pie! She thought this was funny.

A large thud resounded behind her. "Aw boy! A pie! I can't believe my luck!" said a voice from somewhere Pinkie Pie pie couldn't see.

Pinkie was picked up by an unknown pony making slavering noises and humming in delight. Once she was lifted up, she could see the pony perfectly; it was Soarin.

Soarin was drooling and eyeing Pinkie with an insane hunger in his eyes.

Pinkie tried to yell out to him, to convey some kind of message that it was her and not a delicious baked pastry like he thought she was. It didn't work. It was a good thing Pinkie was unable to vocalize her thoughts, otherwise the screams would have given everypony in town nightmares for the rest of their natural lives.

Soarin starting eating the pie with gusto, slobbering and slavering everywhere. Soarin was so busy with his pie that he didn't even notice the wheezing, dying laughter coming from a nearby bush.

Whiny One (Rarity)

It was a fine day in Ponyville; the sun shone perfectly throne the Boutique windows to warm the shop/home for the pony that lived there. It was days like this that seemed almost too good to waste staying cooped up inside, working on projects that seemed insignificant compared to the grander scheme of things, such as family and friends...

Although Rarity had none of these things at the moment, as Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were currently not talking to her due to her saying something not particularly polite to a certain someone that was left there when another, much worse, certain someone left. To add on to that, her sister had been suspiciously closed-mouthed about the whole situation and opted for spending time with her friends in every free moment she had. So Rarity had nopony at the time, but that suited her just fine; she could finally finish her backlogged work orders that she'd been putting off.

So she was in the Boutique, enjoying the rays of sunshine as they draped her in a golden glow, warming her coat and calming her fraying nerves. "Hmm... I wonder if purple will still be in next season..." she thought aloud. "No... I think not. Perhaps maroon? Or even violet...?" Her nose scrunched up in mild disgust at the thought of violet ever being "in". "Ugh! What am I thinking?! Of course violet won't be in! It will never be in, as long as I have something to say about it."

She unconsciously looked over her shoulder to make sure Twilight wasn't silently watching her. She had said things like this in the past and it had very nearly permanently damaged her relationship with her closest friends.

But seeing that nopony was behind her she returned to work. That's when she screamed. Her hair shot up in every direction, her coat bristled up, her pupils shrunk down to pinpricks, and her eyes went so wide that the eyeballs nearly fell from their sockets. Her breathing was heavy and labored, inane mumbling coming from her mouth in place of proper words. She had no idea how to comprehend what she was seeing in front of her.

There, sitting on the ponnequin with an unnatural smile on its little face, was a turtle. But it wasn't a normal turtle in any way, except that it was in fact, a turtle. It was plain white with thick black outlines, its eyes were just two small dots, its shell was only a misshapen half-circle with a large button on top of it... But the strangest thing about it was that it was completely two dimensional, unlike the rest of the world around it.

Rarity stared at the thing in shock, almost not believing that it was actually in front of her. It seemed impossible that such a thing could even exist in her world. To be completely honest, she wasn't sure she wanted something like that in her world.

After regaining a little bit of her former composure, her took a deep breath and waved her hoof that the strange turtle-like creature. "S- shoo! Shoo! Get off of there!" she scolded the thing.

The turtle stared at her, unflinching. Unblinking. Its smile still as wide as before.

She bit her bottom lip, unsure of what to do in a situation like this. She wished Fluttershy were there. "Um... Please shoo?"

The turtle continued to stare at her, its eyes like dark, soulless pits of malice and hate; its smile that of a deranged serial killer. Its very aura was that of murderous intent and a desire to destroy all life on Equus.

Rarity blinked at the thoughts that had just passed through her mind. "Perhaps it is me who can't handle a conversation with him after all..." Gently shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she looked back at the turtle. It was still sitting there, still being a turtle. She decided to try something. "Uh... Hello?"

The turtle responded with a happy, "Hello!" Then it proceeded to leap off of the ponnequin with a slight sproing noise--not unlike when Pinkie Pie jumps into the air--and landed on its back, square on the button.

There was a loud click sound.

***

Thunderlane was slowly making his way to his destination, sweat on his brow and a nervous tick in his wings. He felt his legs shaking and his skin prickling from anxiousness. His breathing picked up with every step he took, soon becoming more of a gasping wheeze than normal breaths. Anypony who looked upon him would easily mistake him for being deathly ill, or even having some sort of seizure by the way he was acting. But in truth he what he was experiencing was much, much worse. He had cold hooves.

Today was the day he was finally going to ask his crush out on a date. He was finally going to ask Rarity to go out with him.

Finally, after a walk that normally took ten minutes but had been stretched into an hour and a half, he was standing in front of Rarity's home, the Carousel Boutique. He swallowed hard, the lump stuck in his throat nearly choking him and his mouth as dry as the desert sand. He was standing there, sweating like a pig, a manic look in his eyes from nerves, and shaking like a leaf in a storm. Not exactly how he pictured it, but it would have to do.

He slowly raised his hoof up to the door and held it there, not quite ready to knock. Once again he swallowed a lump down, closed his eyes and took a deep breath... Counting to ten, he opened them again and steeled himself.

He touched his hoof to the door... and the Carousel Boutique exploded into a giant blazing inferno of destruction and death. The explosion was ear-splitting, the blast vaporizing everything in its radius. Ponies could feel the heat of the fire from nearly a quarter mile away, and see and hear the explosion for ten times that distance.

After the explosion subsided nothing was left of the Carousel Boutique except a crater nearly ten feet deep... and a very singed Thunderlane standing on a charred and blackened doorstep. His mane, tail, coat, and feathers were all gone. His eyebrows too. Slowly, he blinked. "Does... Does this mean you won't go out with me...?"

Everypony around was too deaf from the explosion to hear the screaming laughter from a nearby tree.

The Hillbilly (Applejack)

There was a loud bang as two powerful lightly shaded orange hooves connected with the trunk of an apple tree. Following the sound, came the falling of dozens of apples into large baskets beneath the now-bucked tree. The apples landed perfectly, their red skins glinting in the sun brightly as the celestial body of the day shone down on the humble little farm. The breeze going through the trees whispered around the farmer as she sweat, wiping her brow with a hoof. The trees rustled gently, the leaves speaking through the wind to one another; the trees communion sounding near-musical to those who knew how to listen. The creaking and the groaning of the limbs of wood and bark, the tiny splashes of sound coming from small pebbles and dirt crunching underhoof as the farmer trotted to the next tree.

Everything was peaceful. Everything was serene.

There was a loud bang as two powerful lightly shaded orange hooves connected with the trunk of an apple tree.

Applejack let out a sigh, her muscles sore and her back beginning to ache. Even a lifetime of bucking trees doesn't make it any less difficult. "Nearly there AJ," Applejack said to herself. "Just a few more trees to go." She stood in front of another tree, planting her hooves firmly in the ground before her. With a grunt of effort, she lifted her back hooves from the ground, pulled them in, and gave the tree a might buck. Following the loud bang, the apples fell into the baskets below the tree, just like the tens of thousands of times she'd done it before.

She pulled in her hooves, going back to standing on four legs instead of just her front two. She lifted her hat up and wiped away another collection of sweat from her brow. She was just about to move to the next tree when a voice stopped her.

"Hey! Applejack!"

Applejack looked to where the voice was coming from, a smile on her face. She knew the voice; one of her favorite voices. "Hey Apple Bloom!" Applejack called back, waving a hoof at the quickly approaching filly.

The little yellow filly, Apple Bloom, Applejack's little sister, pumped her tiny little legs, quickly closing the distance between the two of them. Apple Bloom reached her sister, smiling at her. But as the seconds passed, her smile began to falter. "Hey sis, can ya talk fer a minute?" she asked. "It's... kinda important."

Applejack's smile died on her lips. The last time she heard her sister use that tone of voice her pet goldfish, Guppy, had just died. "What's up, sis?" the older Apple sibling asked, a worried frown on her face.

Apple Bloom shuffled her hooves for a few seconds, mentally debating whether or not to say anything. Finally though, she spoke. "Do... Do ya remember that feller that came through here? He was real mean and a little... off?"

Applejack glared at the memory of that particular "person", if he could be called that. "Yep, I reckon I do," she said, an angry tint in her voice. "Why do ya ask? Is something wrong?" She gasped suddenly. "Is he back?!" she shrieked, looking around frantically for any sign of his presence.

"No!" Apple Bloom told her sister, calming her down. Her little body shook visibly at the memories she had of that time. "He ain't back, but..." She bit her lip, thinking of how to phrase the words she was trying to say. "I- is... Is it okay ta go back on yer word, even if you swore you wouldn't?" she asked carefully.

Applejack raised a brow at her sister. "Normally, no, but... Did... he say somethin' to ya? Or any of yer friends?"

Apple Bloom looked away, a blush on her face, shuffling her hooves again. "N- no... Ah... Ah just... wanted ta talk... about... things..." Her blush spread from her cheeks to almost her whole face. "Ah jus'... Well... I had some questions, is all."

Applejack looked at her sister, worry spread across her face. What could she want to talk about that would make her act like this? Why was she worried about talking about it? What could have happened with that psychopath and her little sister? She decided that she'd better talk with Apple Bloom sooner, rather than later. However, the open orchard was no place to have this conversation. "Okay Apple Bloom, get back to the house an' wait fer me there. I'll be along soon."

Apple Bloom nodded slowly, turning around and slowly plodding away down the rows of apples trees.

"Wait!" called Applejack, reaching her hoof out to her.

Apple Bloom turned, her face a mixture of a grimace and a question. "Yeah?"

Applejack looked up into the scorching sun and wiped her brow of the sweat that had collected there. Looking back to Apple Bloom she said, "Toss me one of those apples there," she told her, gesturing towards a basket full of juicy red apples near Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom nodded once, reaching into the basket and throwing the apple into the air. "Catch!" she said to her sister.

"I got it! I got it!" Applejack said back.

Then the giant boulder fell on her, making a loud and deep booming noise as it hit the ground, sinking into the soft dirt almost a full two feet deep.

As Apple Bloom stared in shock and horror at the huge chunk of rock, she was oblivious to the malicious laughter that echoed throughout the orchard.

Author's Note

I don't really like how this one turned out, and I may redo it before the end of the story.

Butch (Rainbow Dash)

Rainbow Dash was sitting patiently in the small room, sitting in the awkwardly shaped chairs that they had placed there for any patrons that would come through. The blue-white walls, the sterile smell of cleaners and disinfectants, the low buzzing hum of the lights above her, the ticking of the clock on the wall, the hollow echo of the pure nothingness around her; all of these things seeped into her mind, her very soul. These things made her wings ruffled, her eyes twitch, her skin crawl. The small amount of sweat running down her spine chilled her, making her muscles spasm and her bones itch. The droplets of salty sweat made her feel sticky, dirty, made her... uncomfortable. She was nervous. Nervous... and worried. Nervous... and worried... and... tense...

Rainbow Dash was sitting impatiently in the claustrophobic-panic-inducing tiny room, hyperventilating as she clutched her hoof over her heart in the painfully shaped chairs that made her back and flanks ache and always left them sore. She shot a wide-eyed glance at the clock on the wall, hoping against hope that she wasn't late for her appointment.

2:17

The exact same time she got when she checked last time. But that felt like hours ago! Was the clock broken?! Was she late and nopony told her?! Were they laughing at her for being a loser?! WHAT WAS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!

The clock ticked. It was now 2:18

Rainbow Dash let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding in. The clock wasn't broken, she wasn't late, the doctor would still see her.

Rainbow Dash was sitting semi-patiently in the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room of the Wonderbolts' personal clinic, waiting to be examined and get her physical so she could be registered to join the team whenever she finished her practice in the academy. If she qualified, all she had to do was keep up her hard work for the rest of the year and she'll officially be a Wonderbolt. Of course, she won't be flying right away; she still needed to prove herself worthy. (Though how they still didn't find her "worthy" was beyond her).

So she sat, alone with only her thoughts and the ticking of the clock. Well... not completely alone...

In the far corner of the room, barely noticeable in the shadows being cast, sat a lone colt reading a book. A rather large book, without a cover. His face was a strange mixture of anger and boredom, but there was an edge to it from how focused he was on his book.

With a small amount of embarrassment, Dash realized that he probably saw her minor freak out a few seconds ago. Also, she noticed, that for some reason having another pony so close to her, but not saying anything, was just a bit awkward.

She decided to ignore the awkward feeling and refocus her attention on the front desk, staring at the reflection of the room in the polarized glass used for the reception desk window. This lasted for about ten seconds before she had to blink and look away. Next was the clock. She stared at it, watching the small red pin tick in what seemed to be slow motion. After staring at it for exactly seven and one half seconds, she had to look away from the building anxiety it caused her. She tried the potted plant in the corner, but her eyes were constantly drawn to the colt and his book. Just what was it that he was reading? Was it Daring Do? Was it a comic? Dash's mind wondered about what he could be reading. It could be anything; a mystery, an adventure, an action series, a romance...
The clock ticked. It was 2:19.

Dash realized she was staring holes into the colt, but thankfully he either hadn't noticed her or didn't really care. She looked away with a quiet cough. Then she coughed again. Her throat was really dry, because she just kept on cough, louder and louder every time she did so. After what seemed like an hour of coughing... "If you're dying, can you please do it quietly?" growled the colt in an annoyed voice, clearly peeved that Dash was making a racket.

Rainbow Dash smiled inwardly, achieving her goal. She rose from her seat and made her way over to the colt and sat next to him. Up close, she could make out his features without the shadows hindering her. He had a dusty brown coat, a dark blue-ish mane with streaks of red running through it, and golden eyes. His mane and tail looked messy, like he had just gotten out of bed; the same could be said with his coat. He also had particularly large wings, for a colt, that is. However the most notable feature was the large chunk of his left ear that was missing.

Dash smiled at him, attempting to show some kind of friendliness towards the young colt.

He continued to read his book, completely ignoring her and her gesture of kindness.

Her smile faltered at this. "So, uh, busy day huh?" she said jokingly.

The colt ignored her still, preferring his book to her words.

She stopped smiling all together at this. "So... wha'cha reading?" she asked, trying to spark some kind of conversation up.

"A book," he said flatly, not even glancing at her as he spoke.

Dash frowned at him. "Well, duh. What else would you be reading?" She laughed at her own wit, looking to see if he would too.

He didn't.

With an inward groan, she asked, "What kind of book are you reading?"

"The good kind," he told her.

Her eye twitched in agitation. "It must be, for you to be ignoring me." She got no response from the colt. "What's the name of the book?" she tried.

The colt closed his eyes slowly, letting out a sigh through his nose. He sat there for a few seconds in silence before snapping the book shut and looking at Rainbow Dash. "The book is called Fifty Shades of Hay, since you have to know."

Dash looked at the colt oddly. "That sounds... familiar..." She tapped her chin with a hoof, the memory of where she heard that name before slowly coming to her. Then like a switch, it was there. Her face lit up a bright red as she stared wide-eyed at the young colt. "You can't be reading that! You're a colt!"

He simply rolled his eyes at her. "This book is kinda boring compared to some of the other ones I found in the library. But I figured the trilogy would keep me busy for a few days."

Rainbow glared at the book he held in his little hooves. "What dumb, irresponsible, sicko librarian would let you check that kind of book out?!" she fumed, her mind set on pummeling the idiot who gave a colt a book about that.

"Princess Twilight Sparkle, the librarian that works in the Golden Oaks library in Ponyville," he said.

"Well, I'm going to have to go to Ponyville and teach this Twilight Sparkle a less--wait, did you say Twilight Sparkle?"

The colt nodded. "Yeah. She gives me all my books."

Rainbow Dash felt a mixture of anger, frustration, disappointment, calm, and more anger hit her all at once. Her friend, the princess of friendship, one of the most reputable ponies in Equestria, had been supplying a colt with porn. Good porn too, if she remembered correctly...

Deciding to abandon the idea of beating on her best friend, she changed the topic with no large amount of grace. "So... uh... why are... Why are you hear?" she asked him.

He rolled his eyes again and opened his book back up, picking up where he had left off. "To get a physical," he told her. "The Wonderbolts said I had potential, so I'm here."

With a small blush--the idea that he could be reading about sex and holding a conversation with her at the same time bothered her a little--she continued the conversation. "They did huh? So, what's your air speed record on the track?" she asked him, her mind wondering to her own record. "I have a pretty good one: eleven point sex--I mean six, uh... p- point six-seven seconds," she finished lamely, her blush spreading.

He didn't respond.

She cleared her throat. "I bet with wings like yours you have a pretty good one too. What is it? Twenty? Eighteen? C'mon, we're both pegasi, you can-"

"Fourteen point two seconds."

She blinked. Did... Did she hear him right? "Fourteen point two...?"

He only nodded once.

Her face went a little pale. Fourteen point two was an amazing score. Soarin had a score of twelve point nine-five, and he had been training for his whole life. "Fourteen point two," she repeated.

"Rainbow Dash?!"

The mentioned pegasus jumped from her chair with a start, a loud yelp escaping her mouth.

The colt didn't even blink.

Dash climbed off the chair, looking over her shoulder at the brown colt. For only a split second, she could have sworn she thought she saw him crack a dark grin at her. Then she was ushered inside the back hallways of the private clinic to be examined.

***

After a long and tedious (and mostly boring) process of being examined...

***

Rainbow Dash sat on the stiff, uncomfortable foldable bed, the weird paper stuff that was covering it crinkling and ruffling loudly, even when she thought she was remaining absolutely still. She had been sitting there for almost an hour before the doctor had shown up. "So, did I pass?" she asked with anxiousness clear in her voice.

The doctor didn't smile at her. In fact, he looked worried... almost... saddened...

Dash's face fell. "W- well? Did I pass? Am I fit to join the Wonderbolts? Am I okay?"

The doctor looked to the clipboard that her was carrying, staring at it for a long time with a pained expression on his face.

Dash's eyes went wide. "D- did I... fail...?" she whispered.

He looked up at her, opened his mouth... and closed it again. Once again, he looked back at the clipboard, mumbling something to himself and shaking his head. His eyes were wild and his mane was getting frazzled by him just standing there. Even his coat was beginning to stand on end.

"Doc," Dash croaked out, her voice thick, "Did I pass, or not?"

He slowly looked back up at her, his lower lip between his teeth. "Miss Dash... I..." He stopped, once again glancing at his clipboard before going on. "I... I think I have some bad news..."

Dash's eyes started to blur, her breathing becoming heavy. "What?" She couldn't trust her voice more than that.

He looked her straight in the eye. "Miss Dash, according to the tests we took... I think you might be a homosexual."

She blinked. "What?"

He only nodded sadly.

She frowned at him. "How... How can you even test for that?" she asked, annoyed.

He opened his mouth, and a tsunami of rainbow vomit flooded forth, spraying her in the face and covering her from head to hoof. All that could be heard was the heaving of the doctor and the word, "RAINBOWS!!!!!!"

Those two combined sounds were enough to mask the sound of screaming laughter coming from under the table.

Author's Note

Ten points if you can guess who the colt was and why he was there.

Fluttershy

Fluttershy sat in her homely cottage, sipping on a warm cup of herbal tea. The late afternoon sun shone through her windows, draping her form in a warm embrace. The soft sounds of the animals in her home lazing about, the large clock giving off deep ticks and tocks, the wind chimes she had hung up above her doors and windows giving off their beautiful sounds... All of these things sang a melody like no other; one of peace, and tranquility.

Fluttershy took in a deep breath of her fragrant tea, letting her eyes drift closed and a smile to to spread wide across her face. She loved times like these; when absolutely nothing was bothering her, and the only thing she needed to worry about was herself. She took another sip of her tea, letting the hot drink wash over her tongue, the taste of rich herbs from her garden and the Everfree swirling around her mouth, dancing over her taste buds, before finally flowing down her throat. Her tea was delicious. It reminded her of a simpler time, before all the monsters and evil conquerors and aliens from other dimensions. Before... him. Not that she didn't like him--because she did, like, a lot--it's just that he made her life... complicated.

Fluttershy swished her tea around in her hooves as she thought about him, staring into the depths of her steaming beverage. She did like him. Actually... she more than liked him. She would never admit it to anypony, but she felt... things... for him. Things that she'd never felt for anypony else in her life. He makes her smile, he makes her laugh, he makes her unbelievably angry at times, but then he's immediately cheering her up and making her feel better right after. He makes her feel excited in a way that's almost dangerous, but she knows that there's literally nowhere safer than right there next to him. Not even Celestia, Luna, and all her friends combined could make her feel half as safe as she does when she's sitting next to him, or being held by him, or...

Fluttershy blushed from the thought of the times she spent with him, all those late nights watching movies from his old world, or eating things she's never tried before... But her favorite times were when she blinked and they were somewhere completely memorizing and magical, where the animals seemed bizarre and the very earth around them was surreal; laying in the cool grass and looking up at unfamiliar skies, gazing at strange stars and planets and constellations.

She took another sip of her tea, a smile gracing her lips. As good as it was having him around though, she almost liked it when he was called away on assignments. As much as she... felt things... for him, having him around was worse than Discord, and without him she could enjoy the peace.

A knock came from her door, disrupting the serenity of the day.

With a sigh of mild annoyance, she took one last sip of her delicious tea before setting it down and trotting slowly to the door. She wasn't angry at whoever it was, of course, but she was a bit annoyed that her day of relaxation was being interrupted. But no matter, it would be rude to whomever it was, and she wouldn't want to do that. After all, it could be an emergency.

Reaching the door, she quickly checked to make sure there weren't any parts of her mane or coat sticking up embarrassingly, and seeing that there weren't opened the door.

No one was there.

She blinked in surprise. "Hello?" she called, sticking her head out the door and looking around. Still, she saw nopony there.

She did hear someone though.

"Kitten fight!"

Then she was hit in the face--moderately painfully--with something soft and furry. Screaming in shock and fear, she recoiled, falling back inside and letting the door slam shut as she did so. Once she hit the floor in her home though, the fear was knocked from her body, replaced by sharp pain. "Ooh... that's going to bruise..." she moaned to herself, rubbing her side gently with a hoof.

She then reached up and gripped whatever it was that had assaulted her face with its warmth and fluffiness. Pulling it away from her, she could see what it was: it was a kitten. A very adorable kitten, with striped grey fur, big fuzzy ears, and enormous eyes that seemed to stare into her being.

She let out an excited squee and hugged the small feline close to her chest. "Oh, aren't you just the cutest thing!" she cooed into the baby cat's ears, nuzzling it tenderly.

The kitten mewed loudly, covering up the sounds of retreated chuckles.

Author's Note

This took way too long to do. I blame the government!

The Tyrannical Overlords (Celestia and Luna)

It was a bright and sunny day in Canterlot. The sun was shining, the clouds were drifting lazily by, and the two royal sisters were enjoying a nice afternoon tea with each other. The sun shone through the windows in the dining hall (one of the only rooms in the castle that didn't have stained glass windows) basking the entire room and its inhabitants in its glorious golden light. The room's walls, made of only the finest marble, glistened like water, frozen in time; the carpeted floors complimented this with their rich red hue, and their softness.

The room was quiet, save for the talking of two particular alicorn princesses. Those two princesses just happened to be Celestia and Luna, the rulers of Equestria and its borders. The twos' chatter filled the room like a gentle music, ringing from the walls and rising high to the ceiling; reverberating from the surfaces of the room in a way that made it peaceful to listen to.

Celestia tilted back her glass, taking a small sip of the twelve hundred year old brandy. "So..." she breathed, letting the caramel-like liquid flow down her throat. "How has it been, Luna?" the elder sibling asked. "Is all well in your night? No trouble coming from the Dreamscape?"

Luna swirled her glass in her magic, watching the rich fluid within to form a funnel-like structure. "Nothing too unusual, sister. Calm, sweet, and boring, as always." She went in for a sip of her drink, but paused. "However..." she started, a pained look on her face.

Celestia took a deep breath, followed by a deep drink of her brandy. "What's wrong with him now?" she moaned, putting a hoof to her head to stem a creeping headache.

Luna sighed and set her glass down. "Lizards," she said, looking at her sister.

Celestia raised a brow. "Lizards?"

Luna nodded. "Talking lizards."

The headache was starting to grow stronger. "Talking lizards... Somehow, I have a worse feeling about this than I did about the screaming head..."

Luna cringed at the mention of that. "Yes, well... it is somewhat... worse." She shook her head, thinking of the dream. "The lizards were laughing at the market patrons while they were... eating them... Eating them... alive..."

Celestia groaned.

Luna continued, "Then he fought them with a pillow case filled with ice..."

Celestia groaned more painfully.

Luna still continued, "Then the lizards said they were sorry... Then they all exploded into a mess of-"

"Stop!" Celestia shouted. "I believe I've heard enough..."

The two sat there in silence for a few minutes, Luna looking confused and disturbed, while Celestia mostly just looked tired, and a little bit sick. Eventually though, Luna broke the silence. "On a more... natural, note..." she said, clearing her throat. "I believe one of your guards has quite the crush on you."

Celestia quirked a brow at this. "Really?" she asked, looking much less sick now that her mind was off of talking lizards and pillow cases.

Luna nodded, "Yes, and if his dreams are anything to go by..." She trailed off, giggling with a small blush crossing her cheeks.

It took Celestia about half a second before she caught on, soon after blushing as well. "So, who is this guard?"

Luna giggled again and tilted her head towards the door, where a lone guard was standing at attention. Unlike most other guards, he had a rough, light tan coat and a long brown mane that looked as though he never brushed it once in his life, as well as light blue eyes. The most notable thing about him though was his Cutie mark, which was a peace sign with a large red X through it. He seemed to be doing a bad job at pretending not to stare at Celestia, as they both noticed.

Luna looked to Celestia with a smirk, a suggestive look in her eyes. "Why sister," she said, quite loudly, "I had no idea you partake in such activities with your guards."

Celestia's eyes went wide. "Don't you dare!" she mouthed.

Luna's smirk got more devious. "I had no idea you were so... devoted, to getting the love of your subjects. Why, if I didn't know better, I'd say there was a hint of pleasure mixed in with business."

With a look of anger and embarrassment on her face, Celestia ignited her horn and teleported away to her room. She landed on the softness of her bed, letting the warm covers wrap around her, calming her down. This lasted about a second before a knock came from the door. "Luna, please leave me alone," she said with irritation clear in her voice.

"It's not Luna, my princess," came a voice she didn't recognize. "Are you all right, my princess?" The voice sounded worried, concerned for her. The door opened slowly, revealing the odd guard from before. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Celestia groaned inwardly, but displayed her eternal smile for him nevertheless. "Yes, I'm fine." Though in her mind she was burning up with annoyance.

The guard pushed open the door fully, and slowly walked into the room. He came straight to the side of Celestia's bed and stood there, gazing at the porcelain coat; her gentle, flowing mane; her radiant, brilliant eyes, that showed so much kindness, and so much intelligence. "You don't look fine, my princess."

Celestia groaned inwardly once again, wishing that he would simply leave her alone. "I am," she insisted, but still, the guard came closer.

"You're a terrible liar, my princess--if you don't mind me saying..." He was standing at the side of the bed, unmoving, his face emotionless, staring directly into her beautiful eyes. "I haven't been here long, but I know when you're having a hard time."

Celestia dropped her smile finally, choosing instead to show her displeasure with the guard. "Yes, I'm sure you can," she said, sarcasm lacing her tone.

The guard nodded once. "Yes, I can."

"I was being sarcastic," Celestia said.

"Well I stole your face," the guard countered.

Celestia put a hoof up to her now-blank, faceless head. Unfortunately for her, with no mouth or nose, breathing was fairly difficult to do. In the next two minutes her not-face turned from white to pink to red to purple, then to white again. She also fell off of her bed, unmoving, laying sprawled on the floor.

That's when the door opened and Luna came into the room holding two glasses and a bottle of dark wine. "Sister, I must apologize for what I..." She trailed off, staring at the lone guard in her sister's room, but no Celestia in sight.

The guard turned to face the lunar princess, a small smile on his face. "Greetings, princess Luna."

Luna looked around the room, but only confirmed what she already knew: Celestia wasn't there. "Tell me, guard," she started, letting a glare form on her face. "Where is my sister?"

The guard shrugged. "She said something about meeting you on the moon."

Luna gasped, her eyes wide and her jaw hanging low. "Y- you cannot be serious! It would be a long time indeed before I ever tread on the surface of the moon again!"

The guard smirked. "Why wait?"

Luna froze for only a second, but a second too late. The hoof came at her so fast she heard the air crack from the force of it. The next thing she knew, everything was pain and weightlessness, then, a solid surface greeted her. It took her a few moments to fight away the pain so she could open her eyes, but when she did... "Nnnooooooo!!!" She was staring at a grey expanse of nothingness, craters, and low gravity dust particles.

She was on the moon.

Author's Note

I actually had a dream about talking lizards eating people in a market not too long ago. It was very interesting.

It

He walked the halls of the castle with his head held high, and his nose even higher. His hair had more products in it than a beauty supply store. His coat was groomed only with the finest of brushes, and washed only with the purest of waters and the most luxurious of soaps. His teeth were so white they would make the brightest of pearls jealous. His bow tie was on just tight enough to remind him to keep his head held high, and his nose higher.

He was the envy of all the nobles in Canterlot; the most beautiful of stallions; the most eligible bachelor in Equestria. He... was Prince Blueblood. Yes, the p in prince is capitalized. Why? Because he's just that cool.

"Where, oh where, is the land of which I was promised?" he complained to himself. "Still, another day without my own kingdom to rule," he sighed, frowning in distaste of his aunts' empty promises. "One of these days, they'll be the ones bowing down to me..."

"Yes, your majesty."

Blueblood stopped in his tracks, glaring back hatefully at the one who had spoken without permission. "Did I allow you to speak, underling?!" Blueblood fumed.

The small, timid stallion following behind Blueblood flinched at the angry tone and the harsh words. "No, your majesty."

"Then how in Equestria did you think it would be an appropriate time to speak?!" the prince roared.

"Forgive me, your majesty," the underling earth stallion moaned pitifully.

Prince Blueblood turned fully and stomped right up to the lanky pony who served him, getting mere inches from his face. "You will not tell me what to do, you commoner filth!" Blueblood screamed at him.

The stallion cowered away from the larger, more impressive stallion, a fearful look on his face. "F- forgive m- me, you-"

Blueblood raised his hoof high, cutting off the flow of words from the servant stallion. "You will learn your place, you wretch!" he screamed, then he swung his hoof downwards, directly into the face of his servant.

The servant stallion tumbled backwards multiple feet from the force of the blow, whimpering like a scared dog as he came to a stop. He covered his face with his hooves and curled into a small ball, shaking with pain and fright.

Blueblood slowly made his way over to him, a smug look on his face. He was taller than him, much taller; and very much more built as well. He dwarfed the smaller stallion like a castle does a tool shed. "So, whelp," the prince sneered, "have you learned what it feels like to speak out of turn?" His sneer turned into a cocky grin. "Again?"

"Actually..." a voice said from behind them. "I think it's time you learned what it feels like."

Blueblood turned and the servant lifted a hoof from his eyes to see. What they saw was... unexpected. A strange looking figure stood before them, standing over six feet tall, and almost completely wrapped in ragged clothing and stained red cloth. The only things they could see of it were the black, hateful eyes and the twisted smile it wore, under a mask stained red. "And what exactly are you?" Blueblood asked the creature pompously.

It laughed in a way that made the fur on their spines stand on end. "I used to know somebody like you, y'know. Full of themselves, talking down to everybody, thought they could get away with anything; a real barrel of fun..."

Blueblood would have been insulted, had he not been petrified by the shine in its eyes and the tone it spoke in. For some reason, it reminded him of a snake and a mouse. He could tell that he wasn't the snake in this situation. "W- what are-"

"Do you know why we feel pain?" the thing asked him, nearly in a purr.

Blueblood opened his mouth, but no sound came out.

"Well, I'll tell you," it said. "Pain is our body's way of telling us we're in danger, or to not do something that could hurt us."

As it spoke, Blueblood could feel a sensation of cold creeping in on him from all sides.

"Would you like to know how we can live life, free of all pain?" it asked, smiling even wider.

Blueblood was frozen, unable to speak, blink, or even breathe.

The figure reached into a fold of stained cloth, pulling out a long, rusted and dinged saw. "Well, the first step is to know how much we can take before it overwhelms us," it said, looking at the saw lovingly. It ran a gloved appendage over the crooked blade, before looking at Blueblood with a stare that made his blood freeze."I'm only supposed to be pranking them, but I think you deserve... more... Let's begin."

The Weird Unicorn and Her Friend (Lyra and Bon Bon)

"So, did you hear about those three fillies?" the cream colored earth mare asked her unicorn companion, after taking a bite of her daisy and hay sandwich. It was delicious; crispy bread, rich, flavorful flowers, and fried hay--just a bit moist from the mayonnaise.

The mint green unicorn didn't answer. Nor did she blink, breathe, or even register that she had just been asked a question. She only stared off into the distance with a lost expression clouding her features. "They were here..." she whispered, her eyes beginning to glisten in the afternoon sun shining down on the pair. "They exist..."

Bon Bon stared in confusion at her friend across the table they were sitting at. "Uh... Lyra?"

Lyra only stared off into oblivion, oblivious to the hoof waving in front of her face and the shouting mare across the table. All she could think about was her dream of finally seeing one... maybe even meeting one. Talking to one... Touching one... Maybe even... No, that was simply wishful thinking. But still, the idea lingered.

Bon Bon waved her hoof more frantically. "Lyra? Lyra?! Can you hear me?! Lyra, c'mon, say something!" But despite even shouting at her friend, she was completely ignored, drowned out by the fanciful daydreams of the minty unicorn.

Lyra gazed at nothing and everything at once, her vision filled with the wild imaginations and lucid dreamings of a madmare. But a madmare with a purpose on this world of hers. "There were Humans... and they were right here in Ponyville..." She sighed dreamily, letting a wistful smile spread across her muzzle. "They were here... They're really, really real..."

Bon Bon let out an exasperated sigh, giving up on trying to get her friend's attention. "Lyra, if you don't answer me, I'm going to eat your sandwich," she threatened her friend.

Lyra gazed off into the distance, mumbling to herself about Humans and hands and feet and shoes and all kinds of things that shouldn't exist but did.

Bon Bon picked up Lyra's sunflower sandwich slowly, making sure she was as obvious as she could be. "I'm taking your sandwich now, Lyra," she told her friend.

Lyra only stared into the distance, lost in her own little world. One filled with Humans with hands that were only meant for her. Petting her, stroking her mane, giving her massages, making her feel... fulfilled...

Bon Bon raised the sandwich to her mouth, opening her mouth in preparation of eating it. "I'm about to eat your sandwich now, Lyra. You'd better stop me."

Lyra closed her eyes as her imagination took her to places that only she dared to go. Places that common ponies feared to even imagine, and gods dreaded the existence of. She felt the highs of frolicking with Humans, living amongst them and their hands, and all of their tools and devices and contraptions made for hands.

The sandwich entered Bon Bon's waiting mouth and her teeth gently closed on the bread. "I'm gonna eat it!" she said around the food item.

Lyra let out a throaty moan as her imagination took her farther down the darkest of paths.

Bon Bon glared at her friend, deciding enough was enough. "Fine then, have it your way," she said in a dangerous whisper. With a moment of mental preparation, she did it. She bit down on the sandwich.

Lyra's eyes blinked open. "Bon Bon?" she asked, looking across the table at her friend. She saw the sunflower sandwich half eaten hanging from her mouth. "Bon Bon, did you eat my sandwich?" she asked, clearly annoyed.

Bon Bon smiled widely, the sandwich falling from her mouth and her eyes going as wide as diner plates. "I am your sandwich," she said in an eerie voice.

What happened next would give anyone within viewing distance nightmares for months it was so horrible. Just as the cream colored earth mare said the words, she climbed over the table and forced her friend's mouth open, climbing into her gullet and wrenched her way down her throat. The noises were enough to induce projectile vomiting from many of the ponies, and the screams of pain and alarm from the minty unicorn was enough to cause a hardened stallion to cry like an infant.

The screams of pain also happened to work very well in covering up the loud laughter coming from a nearby pile of old tablecloths.

Author's Note

Those last bits are only as dirty as you let your mind make them.

The Little Girl Lizard (Spike)

The sound of chomping and crunching echoed through the large crystal room. This sound, much like the sound of slobbering and contented moaning, was originating from a small purple dragon. This small purple dragon was none other than princess Twilight Sparkle's number one assistant, Spike.

The small dragon lounged on a large couch in his new room in the castle the towered over Ponyville. The very same one that princess Twilight now resided in, ruled from, and did all of her royal and official duties in. He was lounging on the couch as he happily munched on a bucket filled with huge gems of all sorts. Rubies, sapphires, emeralds, amethyst, and at least a dozen different kinds of crystals.

Today was his day to relax and enjoy himself, free from any and all distractions and interruptions, completely and totally and utterly unobliged to do anything at all, nothing holding him down and only freedom in sight for the foreseeable future. Today was a day he had been waiting for for long, long time. Almost as long as Twilight had been a princess, in fact. For ever since she had become a princess, she had been even more obsessed with making sure everything was absolutely perfect. No, not just perfect, but perfectly perfect. And on Twilight's quest to make everything perfectly perfect she had worked him to the point of exhaustion. But today there would be none of that. None of Twilight's perfectionist attitude, none of the bossiness, or annoyance, or anything that made his little dragon head spin. No, today was the day that Twilight had promised he could have off to do whatever it was that his little dragon heart wanted, and what he wanted to do more than anything else was laze around his room all day and unwind with a comic book or two, or maybe letting his imagination run wild and take him to a land where he was a huge, fearsome dragon with a giant horde of gems, all for him. Well... him and Rarity, of course...

Spike let out a sigh as he imagined Rarity. A nice purple dress with her mane done into something extravagant that only she could pull off. Her coat groomed in a way that made it gleam in the light shining down from above. Her perfectly shaped body. Her perfect face. Her perfect lips... "Oh Rarity..." Spike sighed, a smile on his face and a blush on his cheeks. She was the most perfect mare in all of Equestria and one day... one day she would be his.

Spike, his imagination taking him completely, allowed the Rarity in his mind to take the place of the Rarity in reality. "Oh Rarity, I've always loved you. I just never had the courage to say so."

Rarity, her gleaming white coat and her brilliant blue eyes, stood in front of a suited Spike, cane in claw and a tall top hat on his head. She opened her perfect, velvet soft lips and spoke in a voice that would make angels weep in joy. "Oh Spike, I wish you had said something sooner! I... I..." She drew in a sharp breath. "Oh Spike, I love you too! Since the first moment I saw you, I knew that my heart would belong to you, and you alone!"

Spike's smiled wider than he ever had in his life, his curly mustache moving with his lips in an almost comedic manner. "Rarity..."

Rarity's eyes drooped and her lips curled into a sultry smile, one promising a happy ending for the both of them. "Spike..."

The two of them closed their eyes and pursed their lips. Rarity craning her neck to meet Spike half way, Spike standing on the tips of his toes to meet her half way.

Just before their lips met, Rarity whispered to Spike. "Spike...?"

"Yes, my love?" Spike whispered back to her.

"Ding dong!"

Spike's eyes snapped open, a snort escaping his nose and the string of drool that had formed a pool snapped. He looked around the semi-dark room, seeing neither Rarity or the source of what had awoken him. The only thing in the room with him was an empty bucket of gems and the furniture.

Ding dong!

Spike jumped from the sound and let out a loud yell of surprise--and a little bit of fear. His eyes shot to the door to his room, where the sound was coming from. "What the...?

Ding dong! Ding dong!

Spike glared at the door hatefully. "This better be important," he grumbled to himself angrily. He hopped off the couch he had been sleeping on and began to waddle his way to the door.

Ding dong! Ding... dong!

His glare intensified tenfold at the sound of somepony interrupting him right in the middle of his extremely important business. "Yeah, yeah! I heard you! I'm coming!"

He reached the door and grasped the handle with a claw, pulling it open to reveal a rather large and burly stallion. He looked up at the stallions face, his glare still in place, but less intense in the face of someone bigger than him. "Yeah? What is it?" he asked.

The stallion's face scrunched up into one of the deepest scowls Spike had ever seen. The stallion was completely grey, except for a large patch of light brown that covered his face. His piercing eyes were blue like ice, and just as cold. He wore a large thick vest made of rough material on his upper body with what seemed like too many pockets, and atop his large head was a bowler hat. From what Spike could see, his Cutie mark was an ironclad hoof and an explosion.

Spike dropped his glare completely as the burly stallion only continued to stare menacingly at him. "Uh... can I, uh, help... you...?" he said nervously.

The stallion slowly opened a corner of his mouth. "I gots a message fer ya," he said in a booming, gravelly voice with a thick Manehatten accept.

Spike gulped nervously.

The stallion took in a breath before speaking. "Ya gots sumthin' on ya face," he said.

Spike raised a claw to his face and rubbed around. "I do?"

The stallion nodded. "Yup." After he spoke, faster than Spike could react, he rose to his hind legs and pulled back his hoof as far as it would go, and with the force of a speeding freight train, smashed that hoof directly into Spike's wide eyed face. "It was pain!"

Spike flew across the room faster than a Wonderbolt can fly, crashed through the solid crystal wall of his room, and began the free fall of nearly one hundred feet to a very hard, very unforgiving ground.

With Spike falling to his death and nopony else around the two voices roaring with laughter went unheard.

Author's Note

I know you won't believe this, but I already hate where the GMvE2 story is going. I think I might finish this one before working any more on that.

Those Kids (CMC)

The orchard was beautiful in the late afternoon sun, its radiance and serenity painting a picture of peace, quiet, and Summer relaxation. The sun was hanging in the sky lazily, the clouds drifted by without a care in the world, the light breeze that rustled the leaves and made the branches sway cooled the air in the most pleasant of ways. It was a beautiful day in Ponyville, or, more specifically, the outskirts near the Everfree forest. Yes, the Everfree forest of legend; the very same one that housed beasts aplenty and countless ancient mysteries that lay waiting, still undiscovered. This is were the new and improved Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse was located, and also where we will be focusing for now.

The clubhouse, still located in a tree, but now far larger and far more "awesome", as a certain young pegasus would call it. It required no less than six trees to hold it up, as well as a large central pillar with its own foundation for extra support. The clubhouse--more like a country club now--is larger than most of the homes in Ponyville, and was far more impressive than any. Even that brat Diamond Tiara's home. Large bay windows, dark cherry doors with engravings, walls painted in the highest quality paint, carpeting as soft as the wind, all this and more, and all with seven floors and a grand total of twenty eight rooms.

Normally they wouldn't be able to afford anything even close to this in their wildest dreams, but when the ponies from the bank showed up and told Apple Bloom that her and her friends had thousands of bits in their name, and because she worked on the farm and Sweetie Belle helped out in the Boutique and Scootaloo sometimes went out with Rainbow Dash to deal with the clouds, they would start to get an allowance. Of course, the first thing they did was go to Sugar Cube Corner and eat sweets until they were sick, but after that they began to use their money wisely. Scootaloo started flying lessons in the Wonderbolt's Young Fliers Academy, Sweetie Belle started looking into her own business opportunities in fashion and all things fabulous, and Apple Bloom was thinking of starting up her own business, or maybe another farm in the Apple family name. They had more money than they knew what to do with, and at the current rate they were receiving it, they would be rich well into their life.

But that's the future, and this is the now. And in the now, the three friends decided they wanted the coolest clubhouse Equestria had ever seen. And considering the hot tub and the pool table, they definitely had it. And it was in this hot tub, next to the pool table that the three friends relaxed. The hot water and bubbles made them feel like they were the princesses of the world.

Scootaloo took a long sip from her fruity beverage, swirling the tiny umbrella and sighing happily. "Yep, this is the life."

Apple Bloom nodded, also taking a sip from her fruity beverage with a tiny umbrella and sighing happily. "Yep, this is the life."

Sweetie Belle gulped down her drink--the fourth one she's had--and nodded woozily. "Eeeeyyup! Zzis is da lyife!" she slurred, nearly slipping from the railing and falling completely into the bubbling water.

Both of her friends gave her annoyed looks. "Sweetie Belle," Scootaloo moaned. "How many times have we told you not to go so hard on the sugar?"

Sweetie Belle giggled and blushed. "Hmmmm... Dis many!" she shouted, holding up two wobbly hooves.

Apple Bloom gave her a flat look. "We've told ya more than two times, Sweetie Belle," she deadpanned.

Sweetie Belle stuck her tongue out at her friends and crossed her hooves over her chest. "You two are no fun," she said to them, half whining and no longer in a seemingly drunken state. "We have all of this and all you want to do is sit in this hot tub! Why don't we take the boat out for a spin around the lake? Or maybe go explore the gem mines we bought the rights to from those Diamond Dogs? Heck! Why don't we use those flying machines our company invented and go visit Canterlot or Trottingham?!"

Apple Bloom sighed at her friend. "Well one, because we nearly drowned the last time we took the boat out. Two because those flyin' contraptions are outta fuel. And three, because Trottingham and Canterlot's a no-fly zone on unofficial business ever since the Changelin' invasion."

Scootaloo scratched her chin with a hoof. "We own a gem mine?"

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes at Scootaloo before continuing with Sweetie Belle. "Sweetie Belle, I know y'all're achin' fer another adventure, but until we can figure out how to invest the few hundred remaining bits of this month's allowance, we agreed to take things easy fer a while."

Scootaloo spoke up again. "Wait, which company made those flying things again?" she asked.

Sweetie Belle tapped her chin with a hoof in wondering. "Airnet? No... Cloudnet...?" She shrugged. "I know it has something to do with the sky and nets."

Apple Bloom raised a brow at her. "Are ya sure?"

Sweetie Belle nodded. "Definitely! The only other companies we own is that place named after some kind of fruit that makes new technologies, that one that makes those things you hold in your hoof that shoot things at stuff, and that giant building with the tanks and tubes everywhere that refines crude resources into usable sources of energy."

Apple Bloom nodded at her. "Oh yeah, I forgot 'bout those..."

"Maybe we can go sky diving?" Scootaloo suggested.

Both of her friends looked at her oddly. "What?" they both asked in unison.

"Skydiving," Scootaloo repeated. "When we were thinking about stuff to do? I was saying that maybe we could go skydiving. It could be fun."

Just as they were all about to agree to Scootaloo's plans, a knock came from the door.

"Don't trouble yourselves, madams, I'll see who it is," said the tinny voice of their new robotic butler.

Sweetie Belle smiled at the robot pony. "Thank you, Gizmo."

"Do not mention it, madam. It is my pleasure to serve you," Gizmo said as he buzzed off on his underproportioned wheels.

Apple Bloom scratched at her head in confusion. "When did we get a robot butler?"

Sweetie Belle shrugged. "The ponies that gave us the flying things sent him over last week," she said nonchalantly.

The sound of a robotic shriek of fear pierced the air, followed soon by the sound of two loud bangs and that of metal being destroyed.

The three of them froze at the sound, and gasped at the steps slowly ascending the stairs to the floor they were on. As the steps grew closer and louder, their breath came shorter and quicker. They couldn't speak, they couldn't move, they couldn't even blink as they watched the stairway that they knew the intruder would be coming up.

Then they saw who it was that was in their clubhouse. They looked up at him, and up, and up some more. He was bigger than they remembered him. "Nice place you've got here," he said with a sneer. "Real homey."

The silence was broken by Apple Bloom's happy squee. "It's you!" she exclaimed with a smile, leaping out of the hot tub and running up to him to hug his leg.

He chuckled dryly. "Yeah, it's me." He looked down at the small filly with a glint in his eyes. "I just couldn't forgive myself if I came back and didn't pop in for a quick visit."

Apple Bloom nuzzled his leg affectionately. "We missed ya, y'know! Why'd ya hafta leave without sayin' goodbye?"

He chuckled once more, but it was far less humorous than before. "Grown up reasons, kid. But enough about that," he said, crouching down to the yellow filly's level. "You look good kid. Real good." He flashed her a smile that seemed empty, even for him. "I'm probably going to have to leave soon, but I wanted to make sure you three were okay."

Apple Bloom smiled up at him. "We're better than okay, we're great thanks to all this money the bank gave us!"

He nodded slowly. "That's good kid," he said slowly, taking in a deep breath. "That's real good..." He rubbed Apple Bloom's head gently, almost as if he was scared that he'd hurt her. His smile seemed more and more forced the longer he remained there, looking into her bright, shinning eyes. Even his eyes looked empty, like two dull, glass orbs.

Apple Bloom noticed this. "What's wrong?" she asked, nosing his hand worriedly.

He looked from her, to her friends, then back to her. He sighed in a way that someone does when they're defeated. "Nothing," he said, not looking into her eyes. "But I have to go. My time's almost up, and I still have things I need to do before I leave." He stood upright again and turned to leave. "It's good to see you three again," he said, still with his back turned. "Especially you Apple Bloom," he said, too quiet for anyone but him to hear. And with that, he was gone.

Sweetie Belle sighed. "Did he have to break the robot butler?" she moaned. "I wanted him to make me another drink..."

Author's Note

Damn, why was he so... somber?
Because reasons dude. Because reasons.

The Plan

The early evening sun was the only light that illuminated the dreary scene, full of ponies with ailments, injuries, scratches, bruises, cuts, scrapes, broken bones, ruptured organs, flayed limbs, and one with a bad cough. In the back of the room a small purple dragon lay on a cot with an IV hooked to his wrist and a breathing aid on his mangled face. To the side, an orange earth mare with a flattened body lay unconscious on a bed, and next to her was a quivering wreck of a once awesome cyan pegasus, now reduced to a babbling mess and constantly whispering the word rainbows. Oddly enough there was also an empty pie tin hooked up to a saline drip next to princess Twilight Sparkle, the horn of which was bent crooked, along with most of her face.

The air was filled with the sounds of coughing, moaning, groaning, and the scent of disinfectant and bleach. The cries for help and the quiet whispers for mercy rang throughout the room like a buzzing insect. One could almost feel the suffering drifting through the room like a maleficent specter feeding from the last reserves of the strength that the ponies had.

There had to be at least thirty ponies in the room of all shapes, sizes and sorts, and all of them were here for the same reason: him.

"This is ridiculous!" Twilight shouted as best she could with her face the way it was. "How can he think he can get away with this?! Who does he think he is?!" Twilight was furious, and she wouldn't rest until she knew that the one that did this to them was brought to justice! And by Celestia's glorious Sun, justice is what shall be dealt! Or, at least, that's what she said.

"Oh be quiet!" grouched a pony from across the room. Twilight recognized the voice instantly, as she had heard it nearly every day since coming to Ponyville. "You're not the only one who's here 'cause of this insanity." Berry Punch crossed her hooves over her chest with a harrumph and a narrowing of her eyes. "Other ponies have been hurt too, y'know!"

Twilight growled in anger at the mare across from here. "Berry, why are you even here? You don't look hurt to me."

Berry glared at the ground in anger and hatred. "I need my stomach pumped," she growled out. "Somepony swapped my booze for nitroglycerin, and it could explode at any moment..."

Twilight's one good eye widened in shock. "Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

The two of them sat there at a loss for words awkwardly until the door opened for the umpteenth time that day. The pony that walked in though was far different from the others that they had seen.

Twilight gasped. "Big Mac?!"

The large red farm pony nodded, wincing from the enormous swollen black welt on his face. "Eeyup," he said tiredly.

"What happened to you big guy?" Berry Punch asked the large red stallion, scooting over on her cot to make room for him to sit down.

He slowly made his way over and took the spot with a nod of thanks to the booze hound of a mare. "Ah don't really know," he said. "One minute Ah'm plowin' the field, then Ah heard somepony yell 'Worldstar' and everythin' went black." He rubbed his blackened and swollen injury with one of his hooves. "Ah woke up, and this was here. Figured Ah should see a doctor."

Twilight could only shake her head in disbelief. "I can't believe this... First me, then my friends, now innocent ponies from the town! Who's next, the school fillies?!" Just as she had that thought a cold shiver ran up her spine. "Oh no..."

Once again the door opened, and Twilight was shocked to see the mare that walked in. Especially in the state she was in.

"Cheerilee?" Twilight said. "What are you doing in here?"

Cheerilee, usually happy and perky and always full of joy, was messy, shaking, and looked as if she had witnessed the end of the world two times over. "I'm here for a checkup," she said, though her voice was haunted.

Twilight waved her over with a hoof and sat her down next to her. "Cheerilee, what's wrong?" she asked the shaking mare sitting next to her. "What happened?"

"I'm just here for a checkup, that's all." She sounded as if she were in a far away place and didn't make eye contact with Twilight.

Twilight grabbed her tighter and made Cheerilee look at her. "What happened to you?" she demanded.

"I'm just... I..." Her mouth opened and closed repeatedly, yet no sound came out. After a few minutes of this tears began to run down Cheerilee's cheeks; they came fast and it alarming amounts. "I... I'm... just here... for... I... I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It wasn't me! It's not my fault! I'm sorry!" She broke down into tears, screaming in Twilight's hooves, covering her face as she sobbed.

Twilight was scared now. "What happened to you? What did he do?!"

"There was so much cheese! He threw all the cheese!" she screamed into Twilight's chest.

Twilight made a face at this. "He... threw cheese at you? That's it?"

Cheerilee shook her head, smearing her tears and saliva and mucus into Twilight's chest, most likely staining her fur. "He... he found out that... that I'm a teacher..." She took a long breath before sobbing some more as she continued. "He started screaming... He said it was my fault... It was the school's fault... Everything was the teachers' fault... It was my fault..." She wrapped her hooves around Twilight's middle with crushing force. "He... He... He did... held me down... made me... beg... I didn't want it! I didn't want it! He made me do it! He made me!"

Twilight's fear had escalated into near-terror from what she was hearing. "What did he make you do?" she asked, placing her hoof on Cheerilee's leg in an attempt to comfort her. She was met with a violent reaction.

"Don't touch me! Not again! Never! Nonononononono!" Cheerilee swatted away Twilight's hoof and fell to the floor, where she proceeded to curl up into a ball and sob hysterically. "Please no! No! I can't! Not again! Please! Please!"

Her screaming and sobbing was cut short when a team of nurses rushed into the room and quickly carried her out.

Twilight grabbed one of them by the tail to stop her. "Nurse, what happened to her?!" she asked worriedly. Cheerilee was one of her best friends, and she couldn't stand to see her like this.

The nurse took on a look of disgust and shook her head. "All I can say is that when she was found she needed a really good bath." With that the nurse rushed from the room to rejoin the others in calming down the very frazzled Cheerilee.

It was then and there that Twilight knew she had to do something. "It's now and here that I have to do something," Twilight said dramatically, as the black bars closed in from the top and bottom to highlight her eyes as her mane blew in a mysterious wind and a single cord played excessively loudly just above her.

Then Nurse Redheart came through the door with a very angry look on her face. "Somepony infected the staffs' coffee maker with Gonorrhea. We're all infected."

Author's Note

Sorry for the extremely long wait. I've been going all over the country with my dog for a vacation, and I recently found out that I may have a very severe disease and my headaches have gotten really bad lately. I'll try to write more, but I can barely focus anymore with how bad the headaches have gotten.