Platoon 42

by Strongbolt Stonewing

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 2999

Journey back to a time before Hasbro ran out of ideas, when Equestria was under threat and the ponies call on the most useless group of heroes in the land.

Journey back to a time before Hasbro ran out of ideas, when Equestria was under threat and the ponies call on the most useless group of heroes in the land.

For Shining Armor and the rest of Platoon 42, it's the start of an adventure that will no doubt put them all in a heap of trouble. But for us, it's another bout of comedic entertainment.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-20 21:10:03 UTC

The Decision

The Canterlot Castle Throne Room. 10:36 A.M, 8th October.

"With all due respect, you're highness, this is never going to work!" The lieutenant pleaded.

Celestia studied her.

"I'm not saying I don't totally and utterly support you're judgement, believe me, I do, but I think this plan is a bit too far fetched."

Celestia examined her.

"I mean, we're talking about putting the fate of all Equestria into the hooves of a group of amateurs."

Celestia analysed her.

"We'd be much better off if we sent in a properly trained, experienced platoon."

Celestia inspected her.

"Ma'am?"

Celestia investigated her.

"You haven't said a word so far, and we're running out of synonyms for 'studied'."

Celestia looked up and shook her head slightly. "What? Oh, were you still talking? Sorry, I blanked out after the word 'with'."

"That was the first word I said."

"You're point being?"

Both ponies stared at each other for a while.

The lieutenant sighed. "I don't think you're quite understanding where I'm coming from."

Celestia shook her head. "Start from the beginning again, I'll try to listen this time."

"I was saying that-"

"Nope, you've lost me."

"Oh, for the love of lemmings... This. Will. Not. Work!"

"To be honest, I don't understand where the concern is."

"Well, let's start with-"

"Sorry, you've lost me again."

The lieutenant put her head in her hooves. "Why am I even here, anyway?"

"I was beginning to ask myself the same question. But as a princess, unfortunately it's my job to listen to everyone's opinion."

"Thank you, your majes-"

"Even if their voice is horrifically aggravating."

"Yes, that's all good but-"

"And your's is pretty annoying-"

"Would you be quiet for five minutes?" The lieutenant yelled.

Celestia studied her again. "Are you trying to tell me something, by any chance?"

The lieutenant paused for a moment. "For the sake of our friendship and mainly the fact that attacking a princess is punishable by death, I'm going to ignore everything that has just happened." She began walking towards the door. "Let's pretend I've only just arrived." Disappearing behind the door, she called in: "Let's take it from the top."

The lieutenant trotted into the throne room. "You called for me, your majesty?"

"Yes, I need to speak with you urgently." Celestia replied.

"About what, ma'am?" The lieutenant asked.

Celestia looked up. "Hang on, I've forgotten it now."

"Oh, for goodness sake..."

"One moment." The princess reassured her, pulling out a script. "What line are we at?"

"I've just said: 'About what ma'am?'"

"Hang on." She said, scrolling through the pages. "Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Here we are. Wait, no, hang on..."

The lieutenant examined her watch.

"Hang on, nearly got it. Ah, here it is!" She cleared her throat. "I'm afraid Equestria may be in grave danger!"

"May be? As in there's a chance it isn't?"

"Well, I say 'may be', I mean I'm ninety five percent sure it is in danger."

"What about the other five percent?"

"Budget cuts."

"Oh, I see."

"Let's just pretend that we are definitely in danger right now."

"But, your majesty, what could possibly pose a threat towards us? I mean, we've already survived four seasons!"

"Didn't you read the introduction? This story's about Shining Armour and his friends in their early days as royal guards."

"Wait a minute, are you telling me that Platoon 42 are the heroes you choose to save Equestria?" The lieutenant asked, somewhat mortified.

"Apparently so." Celestia replied, scrolling through the script again.

"With all due respect, your highness, this isn't-"

"Wait, we've done this already." The princess interrupted.

"Oh, yeah, true."

"The point is, in three days, an apocalypse will come, and Equestria will be under attack."

"You're making this up as you go along, aren't you?"

"Yep. Anyhow, I know that Shining Armour and Platoon 42 are the perfect candidates to step up and protect us. They will all take on important roles and discover who they really are inside, what they're meant to do, who they're meant to be."

"But, Princess. How do you know this?"

"Because I've read the script! Now, mysterious lieutenant who's name has not yet been revealed..."

"My name is Scarlet."

"Oh, really? Wow, that's so much easier than writing 'the lieutenant' every time you speak. Literallyt, I must have Googled it at least seven times by now. What was I saying? Oh, yes! Now, Scarlet, I have a very important task for you. I believe that you are the one who shall train these ponies to perfection."

"But, how do you-"

"Script."

"Of course."

"Remember : three days, end of the world, milk."

"Milk?"

"Yes, we're out of milk, could you pick some up from the grocery on your way back?"

"Fine."

"Now, leave me, I have other important matters to attend to!"

"Yes, your majesty. I accept this role with honour. I hope that one day I can look back at this moment in pride, knowing that I was selected for such an-"

"Yeah, whatever, would you hurry up? Clock's ticking."

"Oh, right." She galloped to the door.  "I won't let you down, your highness!" And with that, she was gone.

Celestia stared at the space where Scarlet had been for a moment, then pulled a small metallic object out from her mane.

"Just dropped super-important task on bunch of noobs, lol xD." She typed. "#FIMFiction, #Platoon42, #Let'sDoThis."

The Description

Shining Armour's Diary JOURNAL.

Entry 001:

Hello, my name is Shining Armour. A few weeks ago, a few of my friends and I were accepted into the royal guard. We're currently serving under the name 'Platoon 42'.  We haven't really done much other than training exercises so far, but although we've scored the lowest overall fitness rating for any platoon in the guard ever, I think we're ready to take on whatever the world has to throw at us! That said, we've still got a few flaws, a couple of rough edges to smooth. Actually, considering two out of our five members still sleep with a stuffed animal, myself included, I'm not entirely sure we can handle it.

My buddy, Rock, always says that if we keep our chins up, we'll do great. Then again, Rock is an idiot. It's not that I don't like him, we've been friends for as long as I can remember, but he doesn't half say and do some stupid stuff. A couple days ago he spotted a spider on one of the drapes in the throne room. Convinced it was trying to eat him, he proceeded to remove it... with a blowtorch. He only got out of hospital yesterday, and the palace tailors still haven't repaired the damage yet. So, yeah, he's not overly bright, but he's a good guy at heart and especially loyal. He looks out for his friends and family, even if his methods are just blatantly idiotic. As he always says: "I like hitting things with bricks." It's got nothing to do with his character, but it highlights his idiocy.

So Rock isn't exactly the brains of our group, that'd be Sparks, our only female member. Dropped out of high school before she'd even reached sixteen, probably because she already had every qualification from Saddle Arabian Textiles Design to Royal Family Genealogy. She's one of the smartest ponies I know, and for some obscure reason, she's wasting her talent with us. I mean, why would any pony step out of college or university or whatever with every A grade under the sun and say: "You know what? I'm gonna get a low wage job with a high chance of death!" I'm exaggerating a little, of course, I doubt she's got all the qualifications, that'd be absurd, but if you ever need a pony to build you a bomb, tell you the history of the Changeling empire or solve a crossword, she's the mare. And for the record, she's help me with two out of three of those things. And I still haven't solved that crossword...

Well, looks like this most of this chapter has already gone in to describing my team, so I might as well finish it. Next up, we've got Ace. In high school, he was voted 'most likely to succeed', 'most likely to become a millionaire' and 'vainest stallion going'. They literally had to invent a whole new yearbook section dedicated to how much he loves himself. Don't get me wrong, it's not like he's bigheaded or arrogant. He just looks good, and he knows it. And he makes sure everyone else knows it too. Can't go a day without him gazing into his hoof-held pocket mirror, ruffling his hair and saying: "Woah... I look good today." If I'm being totally honest, he does. No clue why he joined the guard, he says it's to prove that he's 'not just a pretty face'. So far, he has not proven this. I remember one time we were doing an assault course, and he stopped halfway through because he 'chipped a hoofnail', he then paused abruptly because he was distracted by his own reflection in a nearby puddle. In all honesty, Ace is alright, we wouldn't be a team without him. I think the only thing holding him from getting a girlfriend is the fact that he'd probably rather go out with himself if he could.

Last but not least is Peter. What? Were you expecting a more imaginative name like 'Glitter Dust' or 'Rainbow Surprise' or whatever the stereotypical demographic for a pony name is? Newsflash: this is the twenty first century, I don't care what names the five-year-olds that ran Hasbro in the eighties gave us. Anyhow, Peter's not exactly what I'd call 'cool' or 'hip' or 'down-with-the-kids', and yes he has used all of the above to describe himself at some point. He's a twenty seven year old who still lives with his mom, he can't sleep without 'Mr. Snuffles', his toy bear and his lunch box has a picture of a princess on it. I think you're probably getting an idea of what kind of person Peter is. And yes, he has never had a girlfriend. He's got a fear of just about anything that scuttles or makes a squeaky noise, but he's bearable.

I guess that leaves me, Shining Armor. Yeah, I'm not too sure what my parents were thinking when they named me. I mean, 'Shining Armor'? Really? How long-winded is that? You can't even pull a nickname from that! And what's worse is that nobody knows whether to spell it as 'Armor' or 'Armour'. Heck, even I don't know! My sister's name is Twilight Sparkle. You can do pretty much anything with that! 'Twi', 'Twily', 'Sparkler', the list of possible abbreviations is infinite! What have I got? 'Shiny', maybe? That's practically a girl's name! Anyhow, name ranting aside, I'm the captain, well the closest thing we've got to a captain. It's a group effort overall, but honestly, I do most of the planning... and the fighting... and just about everything else that the job requires.

It's not that I'm not grateful for my team, I am; but they really can be quite useless sometimes. That said, we all can be. The only thing that's keeping me in this job is the fact that the next few seasons of the show and the remainder of this story are dependant on it. None of us are perfect, not even close, but we're a team, a unit. We are Platoon 42, and I guarantee that this speech will be reused at the end of this story just to add effect.

The Designation

The Royal Guard Academy. 11:43 A.M, 8th October.

Shining Armor pushed aside the double doors that led to Classroom 14. He gazed inside and spotted a lone teacher, sleeping contently at the back of the room. He slowly entered, still examining his surroundings. The walls were lined with bookshelves and those posters that they put up in schools to make it look like the students put in effort. There was a collection of empty desks and chairs ordered in rows and columns, forming a grid pattern across the room.

The front door creaked open slightly, and a stallion with a pale yellow coat and short brown hair peaked in, he smiled with his mouth half-open for know discernible reason. Beside him, another stallion with shining white fur and a glossy, blonde main appeared. "Psst." He whispered.

Shining Armor glared at him for a moment.

"Shiny! Is it safe?" He hissed.

"Sh! Rock, Ace, get back outside!" Shining Armor replied quietly. "And I thought I told you not to call me Shiny in the last chapter!"

"It's easier than writing out 'Shining Armor' every time you're referred to!"

The teacher mumbled slightly and shifted, he opened his eyes and yelled, "Ah! Baboons!" His eyes darted around wildly and rested on Shining Armor. "Sorry, night terrors. Now, what can I help you with?"

"You're Professor Gilbins? Right?" Shining Armor asked warily.

"In-deed I am!" The professor replied eccentrically. "And who are you, exactly?"

"I am Shining Armor."

"Are those ponies with you?" He gestured to Rock and Ace, who waved back innocently.

Shining Armor sighed. "Unfortunately."

"Well! Do come in! Please, take a seat!" The professor yelled exuberantly.

Rock and Ace glanced at each other, then trotted towards Shining Armor.

Gilbins examined the trio. "You would be Platoon 42, yes?"

Shining Armor cleared his throat. "Yes, sir."

"Where are your other members?"

"Sparks is on her way and I'm pretty sure Peter is-"

There was a sharp bang, a "whoops, sorry" and a thud like someone smacking into a door from outside.

"Oh, there's Peter."

"Sorry I'm late." Said the nasally voice of a colt with a light grey body and short, messy black hair.

"About time, Peter." Said Ace. "Where are your glasses?"

Peter felt his face. "Oh, dang, I knew I'd forgotten something. No wonder I couldn't see where I was going."

Suddenly, an orange-bodied mare with frizzy purple hair appeared through a blast of violet magic. She held a spanner in her mouth, wore laboratory goggles over her forehead and was covered in what appeared to be motor oil. She spat the spanner onto the floor. "Did I miss anything?"

"Sparks, you look even worse than usual." Ace grimaced. "What on earth is going on with your mane?"

"This is how I always have my mane."

"Oh, yes. I just forgot how terrible it looked." Ace smirked.

"Hilarious." Sparks said, utterly emotionless. "Oh, by the way, I think you chipped a hoof."

"Wait, what?" Ace asked urgently, checking his hooves, causing Sparks to giggle.

"Are you all quite done?" Gilbins asked, twisting his head around to stare at them all.

"Yes, sir." Sparks cleared her throat.

"I suppose you're all wondering why you've been summoned here."

The five ponies nodded simultaneously.

"Well, actually, so am I."

"But I thought you called us here?" Peter asked.

"No. I did." Said Scarlet, appearing from the shadows.

All ponies turned to face her, then Ace said, "How long have you been standing there?"

Scarlet looked at her watch. "Fifty four minutes. But that's not important. I have good news for you."

"We're getting promoted?" Shining Armor asked.

"No."

"We're getting a raise?" Sparks wondered.

"No."

"They're doing half price on pedicures at the castle spa?" Ace suggested.

"No."

"Carrot." Said Rock.

"Carrot?"

"Carrot." Rock repeated.

Shining Armor rolled his eyes. "Rock can be a little... away with the stars. If you know what I mean."

"I like the green rabbits." Rock said gleefully.

"Yeah, most of the time he's got no idea what's going on."

Scarlet shook her head. "It matters not. I'm here to tell you that Princess Celestia has selected your platoon to be entered into more advanced training courses."

"Really?" Shining Armor asked. "Are you sure you've got the right platoon?"

"Yes, I couldn't believe it at first either."

"But, why us?" Peter wondered.

"We've gotta have some sort of storyline, right? Anyhow, as of this moment, you all officially begin training. Myself and Professor Gilbins will be your mentors now."

"Hello!" Gilbins yelled.

"Wow, this is amazing. Almost as amazing as my hair." Ace remarked, stroking his mane.

"You seriously want us?" Sparks asked, still grinning.

"Of course I don't want you!" Scarlet exclaimed. "But the Princess insists."

"Does that mean we get to hang out with the cool kids?" Peter asked nobody in particular.

"Have you seen yourselves? Nobody will want to 'hang out' with you. You're a rag-tag group of moronic buffoons... and Sparks."

Sparks bowed.

Shining Armor smiled and to the rest of the platoon said: "This is it guys. This is our big break. We're finally in."

"We're real guards now!" Peter squealed.

"As if I wasn't good enough before!" Said Ace.

"Finally, we can be seen as something more than a group of amateurs." Sparks gazed upwards in wonder.

"Carrot." Rock insisted.

The others stared at Rock. "Yes, Rock." Shining Armor agreed. "Carrot."

Rock nodded and smiled knowingly. "Carrot."

"Woah, woah, woah!" Scarlet yelled. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. You're not real guards yet, you have to pass your certification exam."

"And when will that be?" Shining Armor asked.

"Three days." Scarlet confirmed.

"Three days?" The ponies yelled.

"Only three days to learn everything about being royal guards?" Ace asked, dumbfounded.

"We have to wait three days?" Sparks moaned. "I could do that exam with my eyes closed!"

"Hey!" Ace exclaimed. "It's my job to me smug, stuck up and generally arrogant."

"With all due respect, ma'am. That isn't enough time!" Shining Armor protested.

Scarlet shrugged. "Not my orders, kid. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a stubborn princess to speak with, good day... and good luck." She said, as she disappeared behind the door.

"Don't worry, everypony!" Gilbins reassured them. "I'm sure you'll have great fun! Even if you don't pass. Which is very likely."