A Cook and a Griffon

by ArtColter

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance, Original Character, Sex, Gilda
Length: 4489

Equestria has discovered Earth. And though the ponies may be vegetarian, they aren't the only species to come through the portal. But what happens when one king of predators likes human cooking a little too much.

What's a chef in New York if you don't know how to cook a good Strip or T-Bone or Ribeye, am I right? Well I do, and I'm good at it. I had everything in the bag, everything that I really wanted.

Then came the portals, then came the ponies, and then came even stranger creatures.

Apparently these Griffons know a good steak when they eat one, and I don't mind because it means more business for me. Unfortunately, gaining popularity amongst them wasn't the best thing in the world, as it led me to meeting their king. And then their king wanted me to be the private chef for his daughter. And he wouldn't exactly take 'no' for an answer.

So now I'm stuck in Equestria, in the Griffon Kingdom, serving meals at all times of day for the harshest food critic this side of the portal. What did I do to deserve this? And, more importantly, how can I get back home?

Published 2014-05-18 21:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-20 20:19:56 UTC

Chapter 1: Overcooked

For the majority of my lifetime, everything was as it should be. Sure, you sometimes didn't understand everything that happened, but at least the cause-and-effect system generally worked out.

Then came those damn portals.

You know the ones I mean, the ones that suddenly opened up all over the United States, and the rest of the world. The ones that gave us human beings our first encounter with those magical, mystical, pastel equines, or Ponies, as they preferred to be called.

I remember, I was in the back room of the restaurant, watching the news on my break, when the first contact happened. A small horse, bright purple in color, with a horn and a set of wings, came out of seemingly nowhere, right in the middle of Times Square. Now, being a New Yorker myself, and working in the city, I knew this was going to catch wildfire. Within minutes, every news outlet in the city descended on the business epicenter to try to get a word in with this pony. All she was available to say was that her name was Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria, and that some kind of magic spell that she had been trying to perfect had gone wrong. Not an hour after she first arrived, she disappeared again, through the same invisible, to us anyway, apparently she could see it, portal that she had come out of.

For awhile, nobody was sure what to make of the whole situation. There were way too many witnesses to call it a hoax, but none of what she said made any sense. I mean, can you expect rational, logical human beings to believe that there was a land out there somewhere that was home to sentient, talking, horses? Yeah, I didn't quite buy it either.'

That was, until two weeks later, when the same pony, accompanied by two others, stepped through the same portal. The other two were called Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, and they were the actual rulers of this Equestria. They had decided that the portal accident was a good thing, and could be used to the advantage of both of our civilizations. Celestia actually made quite a convincing argument. Enough that quite a few people wondered if they could actually visit Equestria. The princesses said that this was indeed possible, but there had to be some legal and political finangling to do first.

It took a couple of months, but eventually everything fell into place. At first, it was only humans visiting Equestria. But when they came back and told everyone how great the Equestrian ponies were, people started to actually move there permanently. I thought this was crazy. Equestria was about a hundred years behind in technology, and while they had magic at their disposal, it seemed a bit of a stretch to leave the comforts of Earth for there.

However, business wasn't as good on the other side. The ponies, though they weren't necessarily afraid of humans, just didn't like Earth that much. Something about greed, corruption, and war, things that are almost unheard of to them. However, that didn't mean that there weren't any Equestrians who came through the portal. I'm talking, of course, about Griffons.

Griffons, as any student of mythology knows, are animals that are kind of half-eagle, half-lion, and all-dangerous. They were much more used to the ills that mankind experienced, and they were quite happy to meet fellow sentient meat-eaters.

So, as one can expect, when you are the head chef at a steakhouse in Manhattan and there is a portal right in Times Square, you start getting a lot of Griffons come through the door. It didn't hurt that Griffons were really easy to cook for. They were used to eating food raw, and most of them preferred it that way. And the Griffons ate my stuff up, literally and figuratively. There would be some nights where there would be more Griffons in my place than humans, it was a little scary.

Then, one night, everything changed.

"Man, you won't believe who's here," it was Harry, one of the waiters.

"Who," I asked, not looking up from my pan.

"King Geraldo, leader of the fucking Griffon Kingdom!"

I did stop and look up from my work, but only for a second, "You're right, I don't believe it."

"And apparently, he's looking for you."

"Well that's not my problem," I said, tossing the pan in such a way and watching the fire from the stovetop flare up.

"Hey, Alex," another voice called from behind Harry.

"Yeah, Tony," I responded, Tony was the head waiter, so if he was looking for me it must be something important.

"King Geraldo from the Griffon Kingdom just came in, and he's looking for you."

I stopped everything and looked at Tony with a sigh, "Are you serious?"

"Told ya, man," Harry said with a little chuckle.

"Alright, fine, I'm coming." I quickly wiped my hands on a near-by towel and followed Tony out onto the main floor.

The steakhouse is fairly large, at least by NYC standards. The floor was bustling with servers, and patrons, both human and Griffon. As was becoming the usual, there were about equal numbers of both species.

Tony led me straight to one particular Griffon who was flanked by two guards. Of course, the guards weren't brandishing weapons, but you could still tell by their get-ups. The Griffon they were flanking was about the same size as an average Griffon, meaning his head came to about my chest. He had the trademark white-and-brown feathering pattern, though some of his head feathers were beginning to gray, a sign of age. On top of his head sat a golden crown.

"Am I to assume that you are the head chef?" he said with a tone that told me he already knew the answer.

"That would be me," I responded, "and am I to assume that you are King Geraldo?"

"Yes. I have heard a lot about you and your resturant from members of my court. It is a pleasure to meet you."

He stuck out a clawed hand. And, though I had never actually shook a Griffon claw before, I gladly accepted it.

"So," I continued, "are you here to talk, or are you here to eat?"

"Talk first, eat after. First off, I have come to procure your services."

I tilted my head, "If you mean you've come to eat my food, then you've come to the right place."

Geraldo laughed, "No, that's not exactly what I meant. You see, I've been searching all over for a personal chef, and I think you may just be it."

"You want me to be your personal chef!?"

"Well, not mine, my daughter's."

"Has she ever eaten here before?"

"She's never been to Earth, so no. But judging what my subjects tell me, and what I'm about to experience myself, I would say you fit the ticket pretty well."

"Should I be afraid to ask what happened to her last one?"

"What made you think she had one before?"

"Just a guess."

"Well, she got rid of him. She said, and I quote, 'He wouldn't know good food if it kicked him in the balls.'"

"I see. Well, your majesty, while I am honored by the invitation, I'm afraid I will have to respectfully decline. I've got a kitchen to run here."

"Would you please reconsider?" he was almost pleading at this point, "It's a tough job keeping my daughter happy, and if you can do it, I will reward you most handsomely."

"I'm sorry, your majesty, I just can't do it."

"One meal. Cook one meal for us at the palace. You can botch it up on purpose for all I care. If she doesn't like it, you don't have to stay, if she does, then you do."

"OK," I conceded, "on one condition."

"Name it."

"I get to choose what I make."

"Deal."

And that, my friends, is how I got suckered into going to the Griffon Kingdom.

Chapter 2: Burned

"May I see your ID please?"

I passed my state ID to the human female who was stationed at the Times Square portal the next morning. Thanks to some magic from Celestia, the portals were now completely visible, and there were various booths and stations on both sides of the portals to assist travelers.

"And what is your business in Equestria?"

"I'm visiting the Griffon Kingdom as a special guest of King Geraldo."

"Oh, not many humans go to the Griffon Kingdom. Do you know how to get there?"

"Yes, the king gave me directions. Just get on a train in Canterlot and some of his men will receive me when I get to his capital."

"Very good sir. OK, you're all set, have a pleasant trip to Equestria."

"Thank you."

I stepped through the magical portal for the very first time. It didn't feel magical. Really, it just felt like walking through the sliding doors at the supermarket. On the other side, sat similar booths and stations, all of these manned by ponies. I walked up to the first available station I saw, where a green female pony, one without a horn or wings, or an Earth pony as I had learned they were called, was stationed.

"May I see your ID please," she asked. I still don't know why they asked for it twice, since it was impossible to go from one side to the other without one. Of course, I forked it over anyway.

"Very good, are you going to be exchanging your currency for Bits?" Bits, the base currency of Equestria, including the Griffon Kingdom, were small, round, gold coins.

"Not today," I answered, "this is only a brief visit, I don't think I'll need them."

"Very good, sir. Would you care for a map of Equestria or Canterlot?"

"No, I don't need that either, I know exactly where I'm going."

"Very good, sir. Well, you're all set then, enjoy your visit to Equestria."

I headed to the train station, which was a straight shot from the portal. Fortunately, I wouldn't need to spend money on a ticket, since King Geraldo had already made my travel arrangements. I simply told my name to the pony at the ticket counter, got my ticket, and went on my way.

I didn't have to wait long for the train bound for the Griffon Kingdom. After quickly flashing the ticket to the conductor, who happened to be a griffon, I settled down in a seat in coach. There didn't seem to be many other passengers aboard, which suited me just fine. I didn't want to have to answer too many questions about why a human was going to the kingdom. All I wanted was a smooth train ride, and to get out of here as soon as possible. Not that I had any problems with Equestria or any of its residents, I just liked where I was living more.

"Coffee, soda, paper," I heard a female voice coming down the aisle. Turning to look, I saw a female griffon pushing a cart. Of course, I had seen my fair share of female griffons by this point, and for some reason, I found them more interesting than female ponies. It probably has to do with how they all have colored feathers around their eyes giving them permanent eye shadow. Maybe I'm just a sucker for a girl who knows a good steak.

"What newspapers do you have," I asked when she reached where I was sitting.

"Oh, we have them from all over. Canterlot, Manehattan, Baltimare, the Crystal Empire..."

"Does the Griffon Kingdom have a paper."

"I can give you the one from the capital," she reached down and pulled out a slim newspaper before handing it to me. The typeface read The Talonclaw Tribune, I could only assume that Talonclaw was the name of the capital city.

"Thank you very much," I said.

"Now wouldn't it be ironic if you were the human their talking about on the front page."

Curious as to what she meant, I looked down at the paper's top headline. It read: "King Geraldo Invites Human Chef to Palace." Reading the first paragraph or two, it seemed that the paper had wondered what prompted the king to make a trip to Earth, and he told them it was for a particular restaurant and a particular chef, meaning me.

"Can't say that I am," I lied, "but whomever he is, he must be some cook for the king to make a special invitation."

"That's true. Well, I'll be on my way now, I'll be back around in awhile."

"OK," I responded before thinking of something else, "Oh, one more thing, how long is this trip going to take?"

"About four hours," she said with a cheerful smile.

"Thank you."

And so I wiled away the hours, reading the paper and looking out the window at the Equestrian scenery.

I also thought about dinner. If I made a dinner to the standards that I usually set, I would almost certainly be hired. But Geraldo had given me the option to completely botch the whole thing. I was torn. I had no real want to stay in the Griffon Kingdom, or Equestria for that matter, but I also had my professional reputation to think about. If word got out that I had served a terrible dinner to the king, my business with the griffons would suffer. Eventually, I decided to leave the matter for later, and just enjoy my trip.

As the attendant had said, four hours later the train reached Talonclaw. I got off the train and proceeded to stick out like a sore thumb, being the tallest creature around. Soon after grabbing the small bag I brought with me, I was approached by two griffons clad in golden armor, obviously guards of some sort.

"Good day, sir," one of them said, "we are here to escort you to the Royal Palace."

"Lead the way."

I followed the two guards off the train platform and to a golden carriage. It was topless and reminded me of those horse-drawn carriages tourists take around Central Park. The guards quickly hooked themselves to the front and began to pull as I took a seat and got comfortable.

The ride was enjoyable enough, and the city was like any other city in Equestria I suppose. I did find it a bit uncomfortable that most, if not all, of the citizens we passed gawked at me like I was in a circus parade, but I could live with it. After all, it was just one day here, and then I would go back home and everything would return to normal.

When we reached the palace, I had to admit that I was impressed. In comparison to the castle in Canterlot, which had been in pictures on the news, this one seemed much more substantial. Sure, the castle of Celestia and Luna was bigger, but the white marble of it made it look like something that would be built at the Magic Kingdom. The solid stone and wood construction of this palace gave it a much more medieval feel, which was much more pleasing to my eye.

Once we reached the main gates, I was told to head inside. As I did so, the guards left with the carriage again, much to my confusion. However, as soon as I was inside, I was greeted by a maid, or at least I assumed she was judging by her outfit.

"Good afternoon, sir," she greeted, "I was asked to escort you to the dining hall. King Geraldo is just in the middle of lunch, but I'm sure he won't mind knowing you have arrived."

I followed the maid down a couple of hallways until we reached the royal dining hall. Inside, Geraldo was sitting, alone, at the head, eating what looked to be ham. He immediately saw me and silently beckoned me to sit down.

"Yes, your majesty," I said, holding up my single bag, "but what should I do with this?"

"I'll take it for you," the maid said, grabbing it out of my hand with her beak before walking back out of the room.

With that question answered, I took a seat next to Geraldo. Soon, a staff brought out a tray stacked with ham for me. I asked for some bread, which he quickly retrieved. I was going to make myself a sandwich.

"So," the king finally spoke up after a spell, "how was your trip."

"It was fine. Had time to read the local paper."

"So I presume you saw the front-page piece."

"Yes I did. Is it really that big of news?"

"Unlike the lands dominated by ponies, the Griffon Kingdom doesn't get many visitors from your world. And it was my first trek to the other side, so it was headline-making event."

"Fair enough," I replied, taking a bite of my sandwich before realizing that something was missing. "Excuse me, your highness, but are your wife and daughter not joining us for lunch?"

"Gilda is always late for lunch," he sighed, "and unfortunately, my wife left this world many years ago."

I quickly swallowed the food in my mouth, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't worry about it," he said with a smile, "there's no way you would have known."

Right then, the doors to the hall, the same that I had come through in the first place, slammed open. Spinning around to look, I saw a female griffon standing there. She seemed a bit bulkier than most female griffons, especiallly around her chest and shoulders. She was a little bit taller than average as well. Her eye feathers were a soft purple color, giving almost the appearance of a smokey eye, which brought out her golden eyes. The tips of her longest head feathers were the same color, though I suspected this was a dye job, as I had never seen that feature before.

"Ah, Gilda," the king said pleasantly, "good of you to join us."

"Us?" she said, locking her eyes onto me, "Who the fuck is this meatbag?"

That took me aback a fair bit. I had yet to hear any Equestrian curse, not even a griffon with a few shots in him. And to hear it from the king's daughter was the last thing I expected.

"This," Geraldo said as calmly as possible and pointing to me with a talon, "is Mr. Alex Austin, a well-known chef in New York."

I smiled and nodded my head in a kind of greeting.

"What is he doing here," Gilda sneered, obviously unimpressed.

"He's agreed to cook for us tonight," the king explained.

"Hmph, well let's just hope he's better than the last guy."

Gilda completed her walk around the table, behind her father, to take her own seat across from me. Soon she was served her own plate, which she promptly began to wolf, I mean griffon, down.

"So chef," the king turned his attention back to me, "what are you going to make for us this evening?"

"I'm afraid I have to keep that a secret," I replied. In reality, I still hadn't decided. "Would you mind if I took a look in the kitchen?"

"By all means."

I rose from my seat and went toward the swinging double-doors which all the staff seemed to go in and out of, assuming that was the way to the kitchen. Fortunately I was correct, and I soon found myself in my element. The palace kitchen was very impressive, with just about eveything a chef could ask for. My eyes ran all over, taking a mental inventory of the area.

"Hey, who gave you permission to be back here?"

I turned and saw a shortish male griffon. I could immediately tell by his outfit that he was a cook, if not the head chef.

"King Geraldo did," I calmly explained.

"King...wait, are you that human I read about in the paper?"

"That I would be."

"Well it's a pleasure to meet a human chef then."

"Thank you. I would shake hands, but mine aren't washed."

"Of course. Now, what can I do for you?"

"Just getting the lay of the land. If you didn't know, I'm the one doing the cooking tonight."

"Really? And what exactly are you making?"

"I'm not sure yet, but I'll come up with something. I hoped that taking a tour of the kitchen would give me an idea.

Then I got one.

"Say, you would know this. If I wanted to make something that Gilda absolutely hated, what would I do?"

"Pray to whatever god you believe in, that's what," the griffon chef joked, "But seriously, make her anything spicy. She can't stand spicy foods, something about hot sauce and vanilla-lemon drops."

An almost evil smirk crossed my face, "I know exactly what I'm going to make."

"Splendid. What are you going to need?"

"Just get me two whole frozen chickens, and I'll take care of the rest. By the way, I don't think we were properly introduced, I'm Chef Alex."

"Chef Ferdinand."

*--*--*--*--*

After a brief trip to find the room where they had put my bag and retrieving the uniform I had personally brought, I returned to the kitchen. It was going to take a few hours to get this right, and I wasn't planning on screwing it up.

Ferdinand had gotten me the chickens I requested, and so the cooking process could begin. I had to decided to put a spin on roasted chicken, usually a safe and harmless dish, but I was going to make it anything but.

I started with two bowls, and started mixing all kinds of spices and things of the like in each. Above each bowl I stuck a small piece of tape to the table, one marked 'K', the other marked 'G'. As I was working, Ferdinand was unsurprisingly confused.

"What's with the tape?"

"So I don't get the bowls mixed up."

"You're fixing each chicken differently?"

"Not exactly, just going to make them taste different. Like I said, can't afford to mix them up."

"I hope you know what you're doing."

I ignored him and continued my work. Once all the necessary ingredients were in the bowls, I started to reduce them into a liquid state. When that was finished, I took the chickens and brushed the entire outside of each with the spices, making sure to keep track of which one was which. Once that was done, it was to the roaster, which was a classic turn roaster. A few hours on that, and they would be done and ready to serve.

Before I knew it, it was dinnertime and Geraldo and Gilda had been seated. Fortunately for me, Ferdinand had taken it upon himself to make them a small first course. When it was time for the main course, I elected to carry the chickens out myself, so that there would be no confusion. Placing each whole chicken in front of each of them, I stood behind Geraldo and waited.

The king went first, picking up a fork and knife, much to my surprise, and carving a nice slice for himself. Popping into his mouth without a second thought, chewed, and swallowed.

"Delicious," he said after a brief moment of silence.

I smiled, I knew he would like it. His chicken had just enough spice to give it a kick and some heat, but not enough to be overbearing. However, I was really waiting for Gilda. Her chicken was marinated in the hottest stuff they had in the pantry, with the full intention of setting her mouth on fire. I could only hope that Ferdinand was right. She would hate it, probably bark at me to leave, maybe even threaten me, but at least I would be able to go home.

Gilda sliced off a wing with her talons and took a big bite. Big mistake, as her eyes immediately went askew, one pupil becoming bigger than the other. She immediately grabbed her glass of water and downed it in one gulp. I believe I literally saw steam coming out of her nostrils. I tightly gripped my hands behind my back. It was all I could do to keep from laughing at the spectacle, though in hindsight, that may have helped my case.  She started to pant in an attempt to purge the fire from her mouth.

"Are you alright, Gilda?" Geraldo asked, concerned.

"Yeah," she snapped, "fine."

"Are you enjoying your meal?"

Gilda then looked past her father to me, wearing the biggest, and most devilish smile I've ever seen.

"Oh, yes," she said, trying her hardest to mask her sarcasm, "I think I ate too much at lunch, I'm not really that hungry."

With that, she got up from her seat and left the room. A waitstaff took her plate away from the table. Then the king turned around in his seat to face me.

"Well," he said with a genuine smile, "you heard her. I knew she would like your cooking. Seems like you've got the job."

"What!?" I exclaimed, finally able to say something after holding my tounge for so long, "She hated it! She hates spicy food!"

"Maybe she just enjoyed a nice kick for a change," the king turned back around and continued his meal, "Feel free to make something for yourself, have a good evening."

I stood there in stunned silence for a time. With nothing I could really say, I left the dining hall and walked very purposefully back to my room.

However, after turning the last corner, I came face-to-beak with the griffon who I had tried so hard to make hate me: Gilda. She was facing me, tail flicking back and forth, bearing the same look on her face that you see on a female lion before she attacks an antelope. I was a dead man.

"Hey human," she took a few steps toward me before reaching up with her right claw and pulling me down to be at her eye level, "I know what you did. And I'm very angry."

"Well, if you're so angry, why would you lie about liking the chicken?"

"Because," she said, surprisingly calm, "dad told me about the deal he made with you. And, quite frankly, I don't like you, so I was going to let you go. But then you served me that fire-smothered chicken, and I changed my mind. You see," her voice began to raise in ire, "now dad will make you stay here, and I can make your life a living Tartarus!"

She proceeded to throw me into the wall back first. Not paying me another mind, she continued on her way, chuckling to herself the whole way.

"Oh, crap," I muttered.