The Black Flames

The days went by like a breeze on a warm summer's day. Ironic, it was actually setting into fall. I had been two weeks before I decided to head back to Canterlot, and an eventful two weeks they were. I will get into details later, but first I need to tell you this. Celestia is extremely overprotective. With that in mind, here's the events of the last two weeks...

"Daddy wake up!!!"

Garnet's voice grated on my ears. Alarms are my worst enemy no matter where I go. Time to get up.

"I'm really hungry and the mean lady is making my food! What if she tries to poison me? Or worse, poison YOU!!!"  Garnet yelled at me from the edge of my bed. I groggily get up from my bed and trudge to the "kitchen." Garnet followed me pleading that I stop Celestia from making breakfast.

I see Celestia frying up some eggs and hashbrowns on the small stove, easily managing the two dishes with her magic.

"Morning, Celestia." I say and yawn.

"Ah ah ah, my name is Sunflower remember?" Celestia said with a playful wink. Despite the complete lack of need to do so, Celestia had insisted she stay "in character" while in Ponyville. She had covered her cutie mark with a sticker depicting the same flower as her persona's name as well as keeping only her horn, rendering her wings invisible. I had commented on the lack of creativity when she had named her disguise. She had  responded with a simple "shut up."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say 'Sunflower'. When will breakfast be ready?" I ask sitting down at the table.

"Now!" Celestia cheerfully said, the plate popping into existence in front of me.

"Thanks" I say simply and begin to chow-down. Then I noticed little Garnet was sitting staring at her food with a look that could kill a manticore. I was amazed the eggs hadn't caught fire yet.

"If it was poisoned I would be dead on the floor Garnet." I say in an emotionless voice, I did not want to deal with Garnet's attitude today.

Garnet let off a small sigh, "Fine..."

The rest of breakfast went off without a hitch. Garnet and I eating our food at the table quietly while Celestia ate her part while standing, using her magic to levitate the food to her mouth. When we had finished our food I got up from the table and went to the bathroom to finish getting ready for the day, you know, showering and stuff.

I took a look at myself in the mirror. For some reason I just looked darker. I couldn't explain it. Maybe it was because I wasn't as bright and cheery as my surroundings, but I looked physically darker. The shadows on my face were deeper, my light brown eyes weren't that light, even my black hair had seemed to get darker.

"Are you leaving that room anytime soon? You aren't the only one who needs to use the shower you know?" Celestia's voice said from behind the door.

"Yes your Highness." I say, my voice gushing sarcasm.

Suddenly the door (which I could have sworn was locked) was thrust open and I was telekineticlly thrown out of the bathroom and onto the floor ass first. Celestia sauntered in with a smug smile on her face. Once the door had closed I heard the shower turn on and I smiled at my coincidential revenge. I had used all but the tiniest bit of the water in my shower. Celestia had maybe three minutes of hot water before she would be hit by an icy cold barrage of concentrated, liquid revenge. All I  had to do now was not be here when that happened.

"Garnet you have any plans for today?" I ask the small ruby dragon.

"No, why?" She responded.

"We're going to Twilight's"

"Bwahahahahahahahahaha!"

Spike was rolling on the floor in laughter. I had told him what my "room-mate" Sunflower would be going through about now. While Twilight was giving me a un-amused look, Spike and Garnet couldn't hold their laughter as they rolled on the floor.  I chuckled a little at their amusement. That's when we heard a high-pitched shriek, shocking even the two drakes rolling on the floor from their laughter.

"DAAAAAAVVIIIIIIIIIIDD!!!!"

I only had one thing to say, "Well that took longer than I thought."

I looked at the other occupants before we all hit the floor laughing, even Twilight couldn't resist how hilarious the situation was.

Then the door burst open.

Celestia stood at the door, soaking wet and using eyes that contain the fury unrivaled by any other woman I have ever known. No, wait. It just intensified by about ten million when she looked at me. I took all kinds of self control to keep from laughing.

"This. Means. WAR!!!"

She then slammed the door hard enough to knock over a couple books from their shelves and left the room in a deathly silence.

"What in the name of the Sun Goddess did you do, David?" Twilight asked getting up from the floor. "I haven't seen anyone that angry since that time Applejack broke a Pinkie Promise."

"I just used up all the hot water..." I mutter.

"I know right? I can't say I'm surprised though. Mares always seem to over-react." Spike said matter-of-factly.

He received an intense glare from Twilight. "What?"

He looked in my direction for either support or explanation. The best I could give him was my finger sliding across my neck. He gulped and returned his gaze to Twilight with a small yelp. Similar to Sun-Bun a minute before, Twilight's glare had intensified. Then without warning she gripped the small dragon in a halo of purple magic and winked him to somewhere not here.

I bowed my head for my brother's naivety.

Twilight then turned to me wearing a haughty look on her face before she grabbed me in her magical grip as well. "Now I believe you should go apologize to Ms. Sunflower for being immature." Twilight said as she carried me to and out to the door, "I will continue to teach Garnet the perks of civilization while you are gone. Now, shoo!" And like that I was left in the street.

Deciding not to invoke the wrath of two magical divas I set back out to the small house I currently kept at the edge of Ponyville. I said hi to a few residents that caught my eye: Rarity (who was looking at some new fashion catalougues), Applejack (ever present over her apple stand), Fluttershy (buying more feed for her animals), and even Derpy as she went about her duties as mailmare. Despite her handicap, Derpy could deliver mail with surprising accuracy. From what I have heard she has never delivered the mail late or to the wrong person. Who knew.

At long last I arrived before my door. I gave it a gentle push and asked, "Cell-Bell? You in here?"

I had approximately three seconds to react to the banana cream pie that collided with my face with the force of a cannonball fired from space. I did a flawless double back-flip before landing flat on my back, the sweet weapon of mass destruction still adhered to my face. I wiped the broken remnants of pastry to find a smug Sunflower with two more pies floating at the ready beside her.

"Wajus happin?" I mumbled incoherently. Celestia's smirk turned into a full fledged smile filled with dastardly evil.

"You, my sweet boy-toy you, were just shown first hand the dangers of pranking a thousands of years old sun goddess," Celestia said in a voice that dripped poisoned honey, "It has been too long since I have been able to 'let loose' my skills upon a mortal. Thank you for presenting this excellent oppurtunity."

The other two pies then suddenly found their targets, my face and crotch.

"Let this be a lesson you shain't  soon forget, David. No one punks Celestia." And with her point sorely made she waltzed right back into the small house as I lay motionless upon the ground.

The couch proved to be pretty darn comfortable. Made better by the little draconic bundle of fun lying on my chest. I woke in a peaceful manner, blinking the tiredness away. Using my magic, I gently moved Garnet to her basket so I could get up and start my day. I had planned to beat her Royal Highny at her own game. She may have years of experience on her side but she lives in a world full of sweet, loving ponies. Their ideas of pranks were mediocre compared to what the devious stuff me and my friends cooked up in high school and college. She may have won yesterday's battle and, in her mind, the war, but I have a couple tricks up my sleeve. Everything was already set, after her display of power the day before I was quick to prepare. I prepared a cup of tea for Celestia. I made sure to add my own "special" ingredient.

Two little sprigs of dried poison joke.

I set the cup down and poured myself a cup of a separate brew that she has promised to never partake in. Coffee, the sweet nectar of the gods. Celestia walked in to the room shortly afterwards, bleary eyed and suffering from a serious case of bedhead. Without a word she sat on the couch and lifted the cup to her lips with her hooves, to tired to focus for magic so soon after waking. I silently thanked years of practicing self-control in situations such as this as I munched a muffin and rank my coffee. Once Celestia had finished her tea she got up, noticeably more cheerful and peppy now that she has had her tea.

"Nothing like a cup of tea to get you up in the morning. Don't you think so,David?" Celestia let out giving me a bright smile. She was the only person I knew who could be this happy in the morning. I let loose a small grunt and finished off my muffin, a pumpkin spice miracle of Pinkie's. "Oh!" She continued with a sly smile, "Is someone still feeling sore from the beat-down they received yesterday? I didn't think you were so sensitive Davy-Wavy."

"Don't start." I say gruffly.

"Ah-Hah! I knew it! You can't hide anything from me David. Your a lot less subtle than you think." Celestia said as she trotted off to the bathroom to take a shower, whipping me with her tail along the way. I smirked as I heard the shower start up. She had fallen right into my deception. No man can take the punishment I took yesterday without a wounded pride.

Not unless they had already planned some sort of revenge.

My little hussy fit had tricked her into thinking I have given up and would just sit here and lick my wounds like a beaten pup, but once she saw what my little concoction had done to her she will learn that I am more than a worthy adversary in her little Prank War.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Celeatia's scream was music to my ears.

She ran into back into the room screaming her head off. "My fur! My beautiful, white, immaculate fur!" She wailed. The Poison Joke worked through her illusion turning all the fur on her body an ashen gray. Her new, black hair hung limply from her head with all the life of a rock. She had been turned into a goth.

"EEEEEEEKK!!" Celestia's screams had woken Garnet, who apparently was as distraught with Celestia's new look as Cell-Bell was. She made a beeline for my legs peering out at the dark, dead pony in the living room. "Daddy, I think someone killed the mean lady and now she's haunting us!"

Celestia broke into tears at Garnet's comment. I couldn't hold back anymore. I hit the deck laughing my ass off. The other two gave me bewildered looks as I rolled on the ground in mirth. The hilarity of the whole thing was too much. As I calmed down I couldn't help but think this couldn't be funnier.

The Rarity walked in, "Daavvvyyy! I have a new jacket for yo-" She cut off upon seeing Celestia's predicament and fainting on the spot.

Celestia gave me a look that would have sent most colts running. All I could do was resume my merry-making.