"Shooters to the line!"

by Pointman

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 2852

A young Stallion transfers from the Royal Guard to an outpost on the Zebra border in search of camraiderie and glory on the frontier...boy is HE dumb

In a relic of a war long forgotten lies a group of equestrian soldiers stationed to hold the first wave of any potential attack….however the Stallions of "Berry's Bastards", 2nd Battalion, 17th Border Regiment are not your average Troopers, nor are they good troopers…or sober ones for that matter. But they may just be our only hope in the face of Zebra aggression…or sobriety, they get those mixed up sometimes….

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-03 04:42:21 UTC

The Bloody New Guy

October 3rd, 1421 hours

Tombstone valley

Equestria's southern boarder

Private Silver Star could feel the train lurch to a stop, the conductor entered the single train car and acknowledged him

"This is your stop Private, why you would request transfer here...well, lets just say that I'd kill to be stationed in Canterlot" the Conductor complained  as he shifted in his light armor.

Silver Star simply gathered his gear, nodded to the conductor and stepped off the train into the hot desert sun onto an old rickety station platform where he was met by a light taupe colored Earth pony with First Sergeant's stripes in his shoulders. The Private quickly dropped his bags and gave the Sergeant a crisp salute. The Sergeant stood there for a moment and gave a rather nonchalant salute in response.

"They ever tell you about saluting protocols in a border outpost, Private?" The Top Sergeant asked with a smile

"Um.... sorry First Sergeant, i forgot that protocol sit-"

"Don't even worry about it" The Sergeant replied in a tone that Silver Star wasn't used to hearing from Senior NCO's

The Sergeant extended his hoof "Names Cufflink, welcome to Outpost Bastard"

Hesitantly Silver Star extended his hoof to the seemingly relaxed platoon sergeant "I'm afraid i don't understand"

"What? about the shake? well lets just say that shits a bit more lax around here than you're used to" The Sergeant threw the young guard's rucksack over his own shoulder "Besides, there aint no one around here to inspect ya or tell ya that y'er a failure for missing a spot on your armor"The Sergeant began walking back to the walls of the outpost "Ya might want to join me Mister Star, desert gets awfully cold at night"

After letting out a long sigh, Silver Star followed the Sergeant up the hill to the rear personnel entrance of Firebase Bastard. The base itself was nothing special, just a perfectly symmetrical ring that dominated a 10000 square yard area atop the highest plateau along the border with the Zebra Republics. Ringed with guns and comm lines, the station was meant to warn of any incursion from the Equestrian South, Hold off any incursion until reinforcements arrived and provide protection to its defenders...in that order.

"You know? During the Zebra wars, this little outpost was the back bone of our 'Sidewinder' line, outposts further ahead would call out targets and the guns would hammer away, one battalion held off a nation with nothing but heavy guns, a bit of magic and a lot of luck" The Sergeant said recounting the bases history "Granted the Battalion suffered up to 500 percent casualties during the war, now that's counting replacements, attached rifle platoons and the supply train operators, the ponies stationed here were under constant fire, but the geography forces the Zebra's through this canyon and by extension into the rest of Equestria. That's why this base is referred to as "Outpost Bastard": because no father would want his son out on the hard edge...now we relay wire messages to and from the interior, hell we even send the occasional wire to the Republics....not the exciting duty you were expecting, eh Silver Star?"

"Huh?" The Private sounded out as they reached the gate and were waved through by the Corporal on duty

"For the adventure, yeah? Can't see why a good young soldier like you would want to transfer out here when you have your whole career ahead of you"

"I have my reasons, First Sergeant, and i would appreciate it if they stayed that way, respectfully"

The taupe sergeant analyzed his new subordinate for a moment, shrugged and kept walking "I'm gonna go report to the Lieutenant, and I'd advise that you come with me, we need to finalize your transfer after all" he noted with a wiry smile on his face.

With that, the young soldier followed his new Sergeant as he began to give him a bit of a tour

"To the left there is the gun pits, we got four of them here all standard 150 millimeter bore, I'm sure you know all about them, and just beyond that is the latrine and the showers are set up next to them, mess hall is inside the left wall of the structure as is barracks, and the observation and command post is right at the front, the rest will just sort of fall into place from there" he assured as he entered the command post. The Silver Star entered to the most retched stench of old whiskey and....Pizza? he asked himself. Looking down at  his hooves he confirmed that there were empty whiskey bottles and pizza boxes all over the floor

"What in Celestia's name have I gotten myself into?"

Cufflink began walking up and down the command post, stepping over piles of bottles and murmuring to himself about cleaning the place up.

"Wrench! Wreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeench! Where the fuck are you hiding?"

Suddenly a figure rose up from a pile of empty bottles "The FUCK! Whats with all this early morning yelling Sergeant?"

"Its 1430, LT, the FNG got here and i need you to officialize his transfer"

"That's not even a real word! The spell check says so" the brown coated, blonde-maned Lieutenant noted, completely missing the point

Cufflink pulled a stack of papers out of his saddlebag and placed them in front of the Lieutenant, then he turned back to Silver Star

"This is 1st Lieutenant Allen Wrench, he's the commanding officer around here"

Upon hearing this Silver Star stood up a little straighter at the presence of an officer in the room, even one as....unorthodox as this one

The Lieutenant took notice of the young stallion as he finished signing the papers "Welcome to the "Bastards" Private, I am as my...indignant First Sergeant has so helpfully informed you, Lieutenant Wrench, i am top Bastard around here, what i say goes and that's that. If i tell you to run, you sprint, if i ask you to shoot, you will shoot...if i ask you to have a glass with your commanding officer you will sit down and hold out your cup....am i clear?"

"Sir! Yes, Sir!" he snapped off

"Apart from that, so long as you don't bother no one you're free to do whatever the hell you please so long as it doesn't compromise the base or our whiskey stores, clear?"

"Yes, Sir!"

"Celestia's beard that gets annoying" Wrench mumbled "First Sergeant Cufflink!"

"What do you want?" he snapped back after finishing his hip flask

"Get this guy settled and then get the maintenance teams on the guns"

"With pleasure, LT!" He snapped off as he spun on his heel towards the door "Follow me Private".

Silver Star simply followed the sergeant back out into the hot afternoon sun and towards the barracks. Cufflink spoke up "You'll have to forgive Allen's  behavior, he's bright, he really is, perhaps the best I've served with he's just...off kilter ya see" Silver Star raised his eyebrows, he'd  only met the guys in charge, only 2 of the roughly dozen and a half stallions that made up the unit...dear Celestia what had he gotten himself into?

Just as he began questioning his decision to transfer he felt a rather large object crash into him, disorienting him and sending him to the ground in a big fuzzy heap, by the time he came to he noticed a bear crouched over him,their eye meeting and just as Silver Star's life began flashing before his eyes the bear licked his face several times covering his face in slobber; the Sergeant incredibly grabbed the bear around the neck and forced it to the ground

"Cuddles, NO! No tackling the new guy! You'll give him a heart attack, bad bear, VERY bad bear!"

The bear simply whimpered as Cufflink released his grip "Now, go say you're sorry"

With that the bear stood up on his hind legs revealing its full height to Silver Star, it then held out its massive clawed hand. Pensively, Silver Star took it with his hoof and shook it. With that the bear got back on all fours and entered the barracks.

"Permission to speak freely, Sergeant?"

"Go ahead"

"WHAT IN TARTARUS NAME IS THAT THING?!"

"Well, that is Sergeant Cuddles, he's a bear"

"I KNOW HE'S A BEAR!"

"Then you are quite astute indeed young one"

"WHAT IS IT DOING ON BA...DID YOU CALL IT A SERGEANT?"

"Yup, he's your section commander, now don't let the fact that he's  a bear fool you, he learned how to fire the guns by eye"

"What?"  The Private asked flatly

"Well ya see? we figure that he was probably raised around the base and that he watched our test firings, one day the previous section leader was trying to get firing solutions on the ranges, but the guy was a moron and couldn't factor in wind-age correctly but he insisted on doing it himself, so anyway one night he leaves his notes out in the gun pit and we returned to find them miraculously corrected and finished with the distinct paw prints of a bear...we also found the bear in the gun pit with a pencil in his hand. So on a hunch the LT waited for the bear to wake up and handed him a bottle of booze reasoning that a creature smart enough to do math involved in firing 150 millimeters must also be smart enough to enjoy getting smashed"

"How did that work out?"

"The old guy is now on a desk somewhere in the wastes outside of the Applossa, the LT didn't get eaten by a bear, we had one hell of a party that night, and now Cuddles is in command of half of the guns at this outpost"

"And High command was...accepting of this?" Silver Star asked trying to find some sanity in this situation

"Pfft, we list him as Local Indigenous personnel and he collects a sergeants pay...so High com is none the wiser"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, besides, they honestly don't give a shit, come on i still have to introduce you to the rest of the boys" the Sergeant noted as he entered the barracks. Silver Star simply shook his head and followed Cufflink inside. He was met by roughly a half dozen stallions all lounging about in their off time. There was a light blue earth pony brushing his teeth off in the corner while three others: a pale white unicorn, a Dark red and brown earth pony and a pale yellow earth pony playing cards on a cot with what appeared to be empty shot glasses strewn around them.

Drinking this early? Silver Star thought What kind of chicken shit outfit have i gotten myself into

"TEEEEEEEEEEEEENCH-HUT!" Cufflink yelled bringing the ponies...and the bear to attention, he continued

"At Ease! i want you all to welcome the newest member of your section, Private Silver Star, he is your new loader,  make him feel welcome" he paused at the light blue earth pony wearing a standard slouch and grinning ear to ear "But not THAT welcome, am i clear Corporal Popcorn?"

The corporal frowned slightly "Come on 'Top' when have i ever caused trouble?" he asked coyly

Cufflink looked him square in the eye "Are we clear, Corporal?"

The smirk on the Corporals face faded but didn't disappear completely "Like water, First Sergeant"

And with that Cufflink turned around "Diane!?"

The pale white unicorn answered "Yes First Sergeant?!"

"Get Private Silver Star squared away, he's your responsibility until then am i clear, Specialist?"

"Understood, First Sergeant"

"Then ill leave you to it, if you need me I'll be in my bunk" And with that the platoon sergeant left the barracks and back out into the light of the desert. A hoof smacked Silver Star on the back.

"Welcome to the 'Bastards' young buck"

Silver Star turned to see the pale unicorn that Cufflink had addressed earlier

Diane continued "My name is Diane, the resident nurse, you need medical aid, aspirins or if your legs have been blown clean off I'm the stallion that you want to see" he said with a chuckle "I assume that Cufflink told you where everything was on his way in?"

Silver Star nodded

"Very cool my colt, you have any questions for me at all?"

Silver Star scratched his chin "If you don't mind my asking"

Diane shrugged

"What is with the Lieutenant? i walked into his office and the floor was covered with empty bottles, I've known officers who were booze hounds but that was ridiculous"

"No can do amigo, Lt won't tell us squat....scuttlebutt is that the Sarge knows but he's not talking"

Star continued "Yeah, but i mean if he's like that all the time then surely Central Command (CentCom) should have pulled him out by now right? i mean this is the potential front-line of any incursion, an-"

"Whoa, whoa, lemme stop you there" the nurse pony interrupted "Yeah he's got his troubles, we all do really, but the guy keeps everything out here from going 'brokedick' on us, gets his reports in on time and he's always up for muster....no idea how he does it but he works out here and thats good enough for us"

Silver Star shook his head, if the Lieutenant really did ensure that all his duties were taken care of then who was he to question it. Diane continued

"Any more questions?"

"Many, but none i want to ask now"

Diane smiled  "Then you're pretty much squared away, here lemme introduce ya to the rest of the crew. I guess that the Sarge introduced himself"

"Yeah, i almost shit myself"

"Haha, how do you think we felt when we found him in the gun pit, i swear that sergeant Turncoat, the uh...stallion

who used to run this section, was gonna shit himself"

"I'm still not convinced that he didn't" yelled the dark red earth pony

Smiling to himself, Diane motioned for Silver Star to follow him "So this tall slacker is Private Hightower, he's

our rangefinder"

The large stallion gave a rather casual salute and turned his attention back to his cards.

"Over here is the lovely and rather unstable Candy, she is the ammo carrier."

The pale yellow earth pony gave a disapproving growl at the medics description of her before turning her head to

acknowledge Silver Star "don't touch my stuff" she ordered before turning her attention  back to trying to fish a card out of her

sleeve.

Diane then pointed Star to the stallion that Cufflink had the exchange with when they entered.

"And this here bastard is Popcorn Kernel, he's the gunner, just don't get too close, he might try something"

The light blue earth pony threw up his hooves in frustration " Come on, can't a guy try to have a bit of fun every now and

then?"

"Every time you try and 'have fun' with the new guy either i have to burn through my hepatitis  prevention supplies or we get

another sexual harassment seminar, and I'm not going to sit through five hours of that shit again" Diane shot back, he then turned back to Star "He can't seem to keep his libido in check, but he's the best damn gunner in the rim, he can hit damn near anything he aims for"

"That's what your mother said!" Popcorn yelled from under his sleeping bag. Diane then kicked over his cot, which drew a slight groan from Popcorn as he flipped the cot over him like another layer of cover. Diane then turned back to a rather confused Star

"SO.....uh...what now?" Star asked Diane

"Now?....it's happy hour in about five minutes, come one, lets hit the enlisted club and get ourselves a drink"

"Um, i should probably get unpacked actually, but thank you nurse, i appreciate it"

"Oh no" the pale stallion corrected "Its not a suggestion, everyone on the duty roster goes to happy hour, Lt's orders"

Star looked around for a clock "Isn't it a little early to be drinking? And shouldn't someone be on duty so we don't get over run

in an emergency?"

"Colt, we have scopes on every approach to our position for miles, this position can't be snuck up on....and besides its 5 o'clock....um....somewhere, i think"

Before Silver Star could protest the public announcement (PA) system came to life "Attention, Attention all personnel, first shift is to report to happy hour"

Silver Star shook his head in disbelief: How could this be a military base? What the hell kind of outfit was this? What the hell had he gotten himself into? And did he really have to go?"

The PA continued "Yes, even you have to go Private Silver Star"

"....What?" Star asked almost expecting a response from the PA system, Diane clasped him on the back and half dragged him out the door of the bivouac "Oh that's Sonar, don't worry about it, he does that, any way what are ya drinkin' buddy?"

"Um, I don't drink" replied Silver Star

Diane let out a  soft chuckle "Oh, trust me, after a few days here....you will"