The Strange Cider Conundrum

by Shyaway

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Random, Dark, Comedy
Length: 980

A cautionary tale of ponies and alcoholism. (HARSH LANGUAGE WARNING!)

After binging on a stock of forgotten cider, Pinkie Pie starts hurting her friends in efforts to obtain more alcoholic cider which is for most intents and purposes, an undiscovered process in Equestria. (Updates Later)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-19 09:44:03 UTC

Chapter 1 The Saga Begins...

The sun shone brightly this beautiful Equestrian morning. Twilight yawned and mushed her head between her bed and pillow. Last night had been all kinds of crazy. Then again, Pinkie Pie’s parties had become notorious in recent weeks, following her discovery of fermenting apples.

Twilight gagged and ran to the nearest window. With no time to open it, she smashed her head through and began vomiting furiously. Her head pounded like the bass from Rainbow Dash’s new favorite song, which was set on ‘repeat’ for more than the latter half of the party. Little to her knowledge, Spike had been outside gardening while she slept, right under her bedroom window.

          “AAWWW!!!!! WHAT IN THE GODDAMN FUCK, TWILIGHT?” Spike shouted, whilst having cupcake and hard cider puke dripping off of his scales. “What did you do that for? Did you not see me right here?!?!?” he asked, face red with anger.

“Sorry, Spi-“ Twilight managed to say before promptly throwing up once more. Spike stepped to the side to avoid the incoming projectiles. He shook the unicorn’s previous meal off of himself, and stared at Twilight disapprovingly, hands on his hips.

“You really need to control yourself at Pinkie Pie’s parties, Twilight.” He said. “Just because some ponies can drink a lot of Pinkie’s weird new apple cider doesn’t mean you can too.” He added.

Twilight dry heaved, and then choked out: “No shit.” Spike started picking up the pieces of glass from the broken window, and grumbled incoherently about how Pinkie Pie was turning everypony into a drunken party ditz.

Meanwhile, feeling much better, Twilight Sparkle turned from the window and rinsed out her mouth. She then set up a nice, hot, relaxing bath and hopped in, hoping to sooth her well-earned headache.

Then, SMASH! Pinkie Pie burst through the door peppy and hoppy as usual. Something was different about her though. Her eyes looked lifeless, she was shaking, and she had horrible dark circles under her eyes.

“I’m all out of that apple cider I've been drinking! I need more!”

She cried, pressing up against Twilight’s face.

“Why?” Twilight groaned.

“Because, because because!!!” Pinkie wailed.

“I’ve had it for all my parties, at least all the recent ones, and the most recent ones have been the absolute BEST!!!! You drink some of that old apple cider, and everything gets all happy and warm and silly and dizzy, and everypony loves it!”

Pinkie’s crazed, glazed over eyes bore down into Twilight’s soul. Finding Pinkie’s mesmerizing glare just a little bit too creepy, Twilight tried to politely reject her offer.

“B-But…” Pinkie stammered. “We need it. Parties aren’t the same without it. It makes everything delightful, and fun.” She stated.

“I just finished puking up your fun.” Twilight mused sarcastically.

“I’m not doing anything today.”

Pinkie’s demented smile slowly turned into an extremely hateful grimace. “You don’t want to party?” She growled fiercely at Twilight. “No, Pinkie, I don’t.” was the reply. Pinkie looked awestruck and shocked. No pony rejected her party. Without another word she bounced off to see Applejack, hoping her friend had more old cider somewhere she could have.

Pinkie bounced up the path to Applejack’s barn, her teeth gnashing with excitement.

“Applejaaack!!” she screeched.

The barn doors flew open, crashing off of their hinges.

“What in the manner of fuck’s sake do you want so damn badly Pinkie?” Applejack said angrily, obviously fighting off a hangover like most other ponies were today.

“Why are you seeping in the barn, silly? Ponies sleep in beds, not barns.” Pinkie said full of her usual eagerness.

Applejack stared straight, not moving a muscle, at Pinkie Pie’s overly wide grin, then said with obvious irritation,

“I passed out here. What do you want?”

Pinkie did not move for a couple seconds, then exploded.

“I neeeed your old apple cider. If you have any left.” Pinkie shrieked.

“Why, Pinkie?” Applejack replied.

“Because!” Pinkie shouted. “I need more so we can all party and have fun and drink the stuff and…”

Applejack cut Pinkie off by hoofing her in the snout.

“CHILL THE FUCK OUT, YOU PINK RETARD! Why do you want to party all the goddamn time?”

She shouted at the drooling pink pony. Pinkie looked like all her dreams had been crushed in an instant.

“Just give me some apples.” Pinkie growled, as if she was possessed. Applejack replied, “Go buck ‘em yourself,” and slammed the door in Pinkie Pie’s poor face.

What had she done to make everypony angry with her? All she wanted to do was party, and laugh, and have fun. At least she had gotten permission to get some apples. Things were starting to look up.

Pinkie Pie happily trotted off into the orchard to pick some of those amazing apples. She bounced tree to tree, picking the best ones she could find. After picking a large basketful, she skipped down the road towards Twilight’s house. “Twilight MUST be feeling better by now” she thought.

“Oh, Twiiiilliiiigght?”

Pinkie Pie’s voice rang out in Ponyville. Birds scattered, doors and windows slammed shut, and Twilight, who had just finished drying off, stared into the void in horror, Pinkie’s call to her echoing through her head, like a nightmare that just wouldn’t end.

“Oh, no, no, no!” Twilight said to herself.

“Why are you talking to yourself Twilight?” Spike asked.

“YEAAAHHHRRGGG!!!” Twilight screamed and jumped.

“Don’t sneak up on me like that!” She sniveled.

“You know I fucking hate it when you do that!”

Spike looked at her and shook his head disapprovingly.

“You know, you really shouldn’t swear at someone who helps you all the time. Plus, you threw up on me today, and only the best of friends, like me, would stay friends with someone who pukes on them.” Spike said.

“Besides,” he added. “...I think Pinkie Pie is looking for you.”